Category: Relationships

Posted on

That Look She Gave Me Hurt

Do you remember when your mother, or some other important adult in your life, would give you a “look” that might make your heart sink to the floor?

She doesn’t like me! I did something wrong! I’m cast out of favor!

In my adult life, one interesting place I’ve noticed stressful beliefs multiplying and producing conflict is when someone close to me thinks that I am the one with the “look”, and then they react or look worried, and then I think THEY have a “look”, and then I have a “look” that says “I Didn’t Have A Look–What’s Wrong With You!”

Did you follow that?

It all happens in the split second of an eye blinking.

My daughter who is 15 cares very much what I think, hears what I say, and takes in a great deal of what I do, even when I think she doesn’t notice (and maybe she doesn’t).

This morning I exclaimed “Oh look at the time! You might be late!” and it appears she thought I was critical of her. Then I WAS critical of her because she “over-reacted”. Hilarious! Fortunately we were laughing about it later.

It’s amazing how often we assume, based on small conversation, or a look, or a gesture, or the absence of conversation, or silence, what is going on with someone….and that it’s BAD.

If we don’t like it when other people object to something we’re doing…we have to be very careful NOT to do anything that might cause objection.

I used to walk around with a lot of fear about other peoples’ criticism. It still is something that enters my psyche. Especially with people I admire.

Those people who are “famous” in my mind I might feel shy around. I might be watching, hold back, have an attitude of wanting to take in all they are saying and doing, and not fully engage.

Then, on top of wanting them to approve of me, I also think I shouldn’t be caring about that, so there’s a voice that is instantly criticizing the one who wants approval.

GAWD, stop being so sensitive! Stop caring what others think of you!

“I want them to like me, but I really shouldn’t want that.”

And of course, I sometimes assume that other people want ME to like THEM (and want to hide the fact that they want me to). So I might make sure I’m nice, or draw them out, so theyknow I like them, if I do.

It’s a lot of work and gets very complicated.

But let’s get to the core underlying belief…no matter how much I’ve told myself I shouldn’t care, sometimes I do. So let’s take a look.

Do I really want people to like me? That seems like such an old story, an ancient assumption.

Of course I want that! It would be terrible to be disliked, ignored, shunned, or kicked out! I love having a special, loving, fun, easy connection with someone! I love joking around! I can’t do that unless they like me! Why would I give that up, are you nuts?!

When I have questioned my thinking and done The Work, I realize that I want people to like what they like, and NOT like what they don’t like.

That’s what I want for myself. It’s total freedom. At this moment I like, then the next moment I don’t like. No “have-to” about liking anything.

I notice that “likes” come and go. They change quickly. Preferences shift. Today I like salami, another day it grosses me out.

This person I joke around with, that other person we have serious conversations.

When I relax completely and allow the world to be what it is, with all the personalities within it, life is very easy.

Without the thought that I want anyone to like me, I do not have to be afraid that I’ll be unpleasant, brusk, unlikable and rejected.

In fact, I’m very authentic. I’m deeply happy. I’m like a truly free person, coming and going as I please and allowing other people to come and go as they please.

Someone thinks I don’t like them, and it’s not a big deal. No need to rush in and “fix” or “correct” their perception, unless that’s the kind thing to do and the way it goes.

“How do you react when you think you need people’s love? Do you become a slave for their approval? Do you live an inauthentic life because you can’t bear the thought that they might disapprove of you? Do you try to figure out how they would like you to be, and then try to become that, like a chameleon? In fact, you never really get their love. You turn into someone you aren’t, and then when they say “I love you,” you can’t believe it, because they’re loving a facade. They’re loving someone who doesn’t even exist, the person you’re pretending to be. It’s difficult to seek other people’s love. It’s deadly. In seeking it, you lose what is genuine. This is the prison we create for ourselves as we seek what we already have.” ~ Byron Katie

Even if you do the opposite and instead of being a chameleon, you act defiant all the time, making sure you DON’T CARE if people like you (ha)…you still can’t believe people like the real, honest you, since you haven’t shown them.

My favorite way of breaking down this ancient story of caring what other people think is to find genuine examples of what the advantages are when people haven’t liked me.

  • I don’t have to talk with them, I have more free time
  • I get more alone time to talk with myself (my favorite)!
  • They get what they need or want from someone else
  • I don’t have to “work” at changing their impression of me
  • They show me where I still care or feel “hurt” and I can question my thinking
  • I get to live in a world where not everyone likes, needs, or wants me…phew

“It’s not your job to like me, it’s mine.”~Byron Katie

Love, Grace

P.S. Look at all the teleclasses and in-person retreats below! Join me in questioning the amazing mind, I love your presence.

Learn About All Teleclasses Here 

Click here to register for the Pain, Sickness and Death Class!

  • Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Tuesday, March 26 – May 14, 2013, 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. 
  • Pain, Sickness and Death: Making Friends With The Worst That Happens In Life. Thursdays, March 7 – April 11, 2013. 5:15-6:45 pm. 6 weeks $295. 
  • Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven: Working With Painful Hate, Anger, Fury, Despair, Grief, or Disappointment With Someone You Know; Spouse, Mother, Sibling, Father, Daughter, Son, Boss, Neighbor, Friend. Fridays, March 29 – May 17, 2013 8:00 am – 9:30 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.  
  • Horrible Food Wonderful Food: Investigating the Love/Hate Relationship with Eating And Food. Tuesdays, June 11 – July 30, 2013 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. 
  • Our Wonderful Sexuality: A Safe Place For Inquiry on Painful Thoughts About Sexuality. Fridays, July 5 – August 23, 2013 Noon – 1:30 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.    

In Person workshops:

  •  Mini Retreat Seattle. Saturday, April 6, 2013, 1:30-5:30 pm. Goldilocks Cottage. $70 includes intensive, handouts, tea and snacks.
  •  Mini Retreat Seattle. Saturday, May 18, 2013, 1:30-5:30 pm  Goldilocks Cottage. $70 includes intensive, handouts, tea and snacks.
  • SIGN UP FOR BOTH SATURDAY MINI RETREATS FOR $125
  • One-Day Retreat: Question Your Thinking, Change Your Life. Saturday, June 15, 2013, Thunder Bay, Ontario, CANADA. $175 includes workshop, snacks, wonderful catered lunch. Please click HERE learn more and to register. 
  • Loving Your Body As Is Breitenbush Hot Springs Retreat. June 26-30, 2013.For all the information please click HERE.

If you like this article, forward it to friends, family or colleagues. To get on the list to receive these directly via email, go to www.workwithgrace.com and enter your email in the sidebar. Your email will not be sold or used for any other purpose than these Grace Notes articles and announcements. You can Unsubscribe at any time by clicking at the bottom of any newsletter.  

Posted on

I Hate Those Complainers

Only nine days until the Pain, Sickness and Death 6-week teleclass starts on 3/7. If you would love signing up for this class if it started at 5:15 pm Pacific time on Thursdays, instead of 6:15 pm PT, running for 90 minutes, then write me at grace@workwithgrace.com. I ask because I’ve had several inquiries for an earlier time. There’s only room for 3 more participants.

If you’d like to read more about the Pain class, click here.

Physical maladies, trauma, injury or threats produce a great deal of painful thinking in the human experience.

I was working with a sweet client who has had a chronic pain from a back injury for several years.

She said to me “I have so many complaints.” Her discouragement was deep. The list seemed long and overwhelming.

The very definition of “complaint” in Webster’s dictionary is “an expression of grief, pain, or dissatisfaction”. Complaining can happen silently, to oneself, or out in the open to people around us.

Byron Katie offers a great exercise to root out complaining, see its cause, investigate it. She says you can write out a list, just let yourself go nuts, with the prompt “I complain about____ because____.”

Don’t worry about how long the list is or how ridiculous your complaints actually are. There is nothing wrong with this Complaining Voice. You are giving it a voice so that you can look more closely.

  • I complain about clutter in my house because it looks ugly, I want it to go away
  • I complain about my left leg hurting because I want to stop sitting in that chair and stop working at the computer and I want it to stop hurting
  • I complain about my dry skin because I always need lotion to soothe it and I want someone to get me some lotion
  • I complain about the dishes being undone because I want someone else to do them
  • I complain about those other annoying complainers because they bring me down

In fact, my biggest, most repetitive complaint has been about other people who complain.

Caught in the act!

It is absolutely fascinating to see why I think there is a need to complain, to express grief, pain or dissatisfaction with this situation or person, with what I am hearing.

I want those complainers to shut up! Stop their talking on and on about negativity!

And why do I want it to end? Seriously? What is the actual problem? Why do I think their complaints “bring me down”?

Well…that complaining person wants me, or someone, obviously, to do something about their complaint! They want me to fix their disturbance. They are unhappy. I SHOULD HELP THEM.

Is that true? Are they really unhappy and wanting me to help? Am I as sure, as they are, that they can’t do it themselves?

“You think if you complain enough, something magical is going to happen….Any time you complain, notice what you want us to do. “~Byron Katie 

It’s as if I believe that if I say what I don’t like (complain) enough then I will eventually get what I want. Someone will do the dishes, someone will straighten up the house, someone will stop telling me their irritating complaints!

The wonderful Marshall Rosenburg, founder of non-violent communication, suggests that people learn to make direct requests, instead of complain. He says that it works so much better when we recognize that we need something, and then ask for what we need!

Do I really need those complainers to quit complaining? Can I make a specific direct request to someone, can I tell them the truth, can I have a genuine conversation?

I could say something like this; “when you are complaining, I feel sad because I think you want me to fix it, or God to fix it. You sound powerless, instead of the strong person I know you to be. You sound like you won’t ever be happy, and you feel helpless, and I know that’s a hard place to be. I love you.”

And then….they can get excited about what you’ve said, or not.

“When another person suffers, there’s nothing I can do about that, except maybe to put my arms around them or bring them a cup of tea and let them know that I’m totally available. But that’s where it must end. The rest is up to them. And because I made it through, I know that they can do it. I am NOT special.”~Byron Katie

I discovered that the real reason I’ve complained about other people complaining is that I want them to be happy and powerful. Because if they are happy and powerful, then I don’t have to try to help them. I can be free to be happy and powerful myself.

I can only be happy if they are happy, and so I have to try to help them get happy….is it true?

Wow! I can be happy even if other people are complaining? I don’t HAVE to help them? Even someone very close to me?

“She who is centered in the Tao can go where she wishes, without danger. She perceives the universal harmony, even amid great pain, because she has found peace in her heart.”~Tao Te Ching #35

If you’d like to zoom in on your deepest complaints, how to be around pain whether yours or others, and your feelings about the biggie….death….come join the six-week teleclass starting next week.

Love, Grace

Posted on

We Have A Situation Here

When something happens in life that feels frightening, whether very small or very big, it’s amazing to watch the mind and body react.

The inner all-about-me mind will say that this is the most important thing to think about, this frightening situation. It will return to it over and over.

If the mind is NOT thinking about the troubling situation over and over, then some other voices may come in and say, “Hey! Pay attention! This is worrisome, you need to watch out!”

Its as if this all-about-me mind is a president sitting in a grand office, working on important things….and then OUT THERE in the regular world something threatening happens.

The president is busy, but the police force and other military officials come running and knock on the door and shout, “WE’VE GOT A SITUATION HERE!”.

And then all forces are enlisted to figure out how to handle this “situation”. The underlying assumption is that this situation needs to change, to go away, to adjust, to get resolved.

There are extremely painful situations, that seem to be agreed upon somehow in the human condition, that feel bad, terrible and important to avoid or fix…

Losing all our money, getting a terrible disease, getting physically hurt, someone close dying or leaving, our house burning down, not having enough of something, like love.

The Work is a way to question our assumptions about what happens in life. Every “situation” can be examined and investigated.

Just because I’m afraid, or upset, or sad, or angry, or disappointed….doesn’t mean it really is Bad. 

That’s quite an amazing first step, to stop, and ask Is it really true that this situation is wrong, or shouldn’t be happening, or is terrifying, or is permanent, or devastating, or dreadful?

The situation IS happening, but if we open to it happening, allow it to be as it is, then there might be a calmer response to it.

This doesn’t mean being passive, like swinging to the opposite of ATTACK-MODE and doing nothing. Calmness does not mean being mute, or extremely cautious.

Sometimes a bigger response is what is called for in a moment…with strength, love, and kindness.

If there was a toddler walking towards a huge freeway with cars speeding by, and any one of us saw the child, we would run (if we had legs) and call out (if we had a voice).

That would simply be the way of it. We would not say, “I am practicing allowing everything to be as it is, so I am going to lie here and do nothing”.

Recently I was thinking about leaders like Martin Luther King, Jr, Mahatma Gandhi, Aretha Franklin, Desmond Tutu, Byron Katie, Marshall Rosenburg…people who speak about what other new vision they have for difficult situations, an alternative to suffering.

I don’t like conflict much. I don’t like arguments with people, or shouting, or name-calling. I hardly ever have had situations that even look like this, I’ve avoided them.

The urge to withdraw or not speak up is very interesting, very subtle.

I find there are thoughts dancing about that make it more difficult to respond to a situation, to be truly honest. These are thoughts like:

  • that person will hate me if I say “no” or if I say what I think
  • if I don’t explain why I am saying “no” then she will get angry
  • if I speak up about this situation, to authority, to others, they will get mad
  • I should make people feel happy at all times, not upset
  • if I tell the truth for myself, as I see it, I will be rejected
  • people will think I’m stupid, mean, cold, immature, aggressive, mistaken
  • I will be shunned, left, abandoned
  • I better be NICE!

But after doing The Work on troubling situations, I find that my responses to new situations that arise are different.

I am not afraid of breaking the rules like “only say nice things”….because a deeper, more penetrating love comes alive, where I don’t have to constantly worry about if I said the wrong thing or that I MIGHT say the wrong thing.

I find the turnarounds coming alive from all these painful stressful beliefs about what nice-ness or kindness is supposed to look like.

  • if that person is upset when I say “no” everyone is still OK and this is an amazing opportunity
  • if someone is angry, it is safe, I am safe, no need to explain
  • if I speak up they will get excited
  • I can’t “make” anyone feel happy at all times
  • if I am rejected, all is still very well
  • people will think all kinds of things, and it’s their business
  • I will be loved, cared for, set free
  • I better be honest!

People come, people go, that’s the way of life. People certainly all won’t like what I am saying in every moment.

“…The path of the warrior is a lot more daring: you are cultivating a fearless heart, a heart that doesn’t close down in any circumstance; it is always totally open, so that you could be touched by anything.”~Pema Chodron

Today, after doing The Work and contemplating how I am so human when I feel afraid of other peoples’ reactions, I have such joyful energy towards those feisty, outspoken, action-oriented humans who have shown what its like to speak up.

Even if the words they speak are not favorable to me, how incredible to hear the honesty, the willingness to be courageous and SAY IT.

As I see beauty in ALL the people who speak…I see how it can be done with skill, with loving kindness, with trust….I can watch the great leaders and see how they did it.

“Know the male, yet keep to the female: receive the world in your arms. If you receive the world, the Tao will never leave you and you will be like a little child.”~Tao Te Ching #28 

Today, I’ve questioned my thinking about that difficult person and un-doing my beliefs, the president calls off the troops, the situation is really not that important.

We have a situation here? Not anymore.

Love, Grace

Posted on

Trust Your Struggle

I will never forget one time when I was at a Byron Katie event, I can’t remember which, and I raised my hand.

“Katie, I am doing The Work on the same person over and over again. I’ve done The Work so many times on this person, and I’m still very angry. I wish I wasn’t angry!”

Katie replied “How do you know you’re supposed to be angry, Grace? You are!”

We may have spoken a bit longer, those conversations with microphones and hundreds of people watching and listening make me blank out a little (sometimes). It’s a bit…public.

But that comment from Katie was so incredibly powerful for me, because in it I recognized what a ginormous goal I had of making myself “not angry”.

Anger, in my opinion, was bad. Anger caused suffering, it caused other people to harm themselves or hit others, it started wars, it caused tension, heart-attacks, violence. It made people break things.

Anger had to be controlled and squelched. Otherwise…..very bad things could happen.

And I was angry. So I had to “work” on my anger until I was a nice person.

If I had stayed in that framework towards anger, I would still be working on it and hating it, and wishing I didn’t have it inside of me. I would still be afraid of people who seemed angry.

Well, loud shouting or screaming, throwing something, rage…that is all still alarming. They are BIG expressions. But I’m not so scared now that I’ve done the work on anger.

I had many thoughts about anger. I felt so upset about anger that when I even had one tiny little speck of a sensation of anger, something in me got scared.

I even realized that in my twenties, when I suffered so terribly from bulimic binge-eating and vomiting, I was filled with rage. I was livid.

And I was determined to smash my anger to the ground and push it down, like holding my hands over the geysers at Yellowstone National Park. It took a lot of work and a lot of running around, just to keep the geysers from spouting.

Of course, they spouted anyway, and then I would feel horribly guilty and filled with self-hate.

But back at that time that I recognized all the anger inside me and how I was judging it, I went to work doing The Work. It was like a lightbulb went off, and it was time to let anger be free to exist, without my condemnation of it.

“Something terrible will happen if I or anyone else is angry”….is that true?

No. Not at all.

There is an energy that is rising up to say NO. There is passion, creativity, determination.

Marshall Rosenberg created non-violent communication, out of his great desire to express anger clearly and cleanly, with respect.

Anger brings on clarity, laser energy, awareness, brilliance, sharp thinking.

Who would I be without the thought that what I am feeling, this energy I am calling “anger,” should be obliterated rather than expressed? Who would I be without the thought that something terrible will happen if I express anger?

What if something wonderful could happen!?

I turned the thought around and began to find examples of amazing expressions of anger, and how wonderful things happened out of these expressions.

Gandhi, Martin Luther King, Aretha Franklin.

And I knew, as a turnaround example for myself, that it was wonderful to be angry with respect to that very person I kept feeling angry about, because my anger was a message that I was believing a bunch of conflicting thoughts that were not true.

I did not need that person to be close with me, I did not have to push myself to like everything about that person, I did not “have” to do anything towards that person I did not feel comfortable doing.

I could have preferences, like allowing myself the same basic respect to eat if hungry and NOT eat if NOT hungry!

I could say yes or no, and attend to the inner answer at the center of myself.

Doing The Work does not always result in peace, flowers, dancing and love songs.

Sometimes the truth is that under the first level of concepts about that awful person you’re doing The Work on, there lies fear about what might happen next.

If I really question this person’s presence in my life, they will leave and I’ll be alone. But I don’t want to be alone, so I will attack that person with my anger and not question my terrifying beliefs about being alone.

Anger is one of the greatest gifts I have ever experienced. An arrow of zinging power that says “hear me now!” Warrior energy. And it is part of reality. I loved discovering that!

The funny thing is, once I didn’t judge my own anger so harshly, and then questioned all my beliefs about that person…I could allow them to be who they were, and I didn’t have to ever talk with them again.

I think of that person now, who I haven’t seen in years, and smile so widely. I absolutely love what I learned in being connected back then. What grand, broad, sweeping learning. Smacking down the walls, breaking apart the beliefs I had about how people are supposed to behave.

Dissolving my angst, rage, and urge to attack what was “out there” (a person).

Dissolving my need to feel division with anyone.

“Life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness. How do you know this is the experience you need? Because this is the experience you are having at this moment.”~Eckhart Tolle

Let yourself be as angry as you are, and write it all on paper. Now you have your work, your amazing personal project that anger is helping you understand….and as you look, the anger will not be necessary anymore.

“Trust your struggle.” ~ Adyashanti

Love, Grace

Learn About All Teleclasses Here 

Click here to register for the Pain, Sickness and Death Class!

  • Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Mondays, February 4-April 1, 2013, 7:30 – 9:00 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. No class March 4th.
  • Pain, Sickness and Death: Making Friends With The Worst That Happens In Life. Thursdays, March 7 – April 11, 2013. 6:15 – 7:45 pm. 6 weeks $295. 
  • Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven: Working With Painful Hate, Anger, Fury, Despair, Grief, or Disappointment With Someone You Know; Spouse, Mother, Sibling, Father, Daughter, Son, Boss, Neighbor, Friend. Fridays, March 29-May 17, 2013 8:00 am – 9:30 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.     
Posted on

Peace-Torment-Now Rollercoaster

Yesterday and today I had the amazing opportunity to do The Work on a very stressful situation storming inside myself.

Something troubling happened, I got some strange and unexpected news. The information hit my mind, and *KABOOM*! Emotions, stress, sadness, anxiety all resulted.

Its like the time I went into the doctor’s office to get four stitches out from a mole that was biopsied, and when the doctor came into the examining room….her face didn’t look so good. Adrenaline rush.

The thought and the feeling practically happen simultaneously.

Bad News. Uncomfortable Feeling. Mind Starts Thinking.

After I had this troubling news, in the middle of my day, going from here to there, I noticed my mind working VERY hard to know. It wanted an answer!

Why? Why is this happening? Something has gone wrong! Someone has misunderstood something, someone is hurting out there, someone is unnecessarily frightened.

I felt so excruciatingly anxious, then surprisingly peaceful, then mind would kick in again and go back to sad…then open and watching, then wondering.

The mind LOVES the two thoughts together: 1)”I wonder what’s going on!? 2) “Oh, I KNOW!”

The little mind hates when it doesn’t have the “I KNOW” part covered.

So, after doing many other activities and watching a roller coaster ride go pretty crazy on the inside of myself for awhile…I knew to do The Work.

Is it true? Can I absolutely know that this is true?

Can I be sure that the way I’m seeing it is accurate? Do I really know? Do I even need to know?

No.

I had a wonderful facilitator asked me the four questions. When I sit with another person, on the phone or skype or live, and they are there witnessing me and my frantic mind…it’s like the most beautiful gift I could receive.

No hiding. No sweeping this situation under the rug. No avoiding, or wishing it away.

Here it is. Reality.

Who would I be without the thought that something terrible is happening?

Like even in that moment in the doctor’s office when the doctor said, “you’ve got cancer”.  Who was I without the belief that its terrible?

This is not trying to think positively, or trying to get rid of scary thoughts and delete them. This is noticing who I would be without the thought at that moment?

Empty, watching the air in the room feel richer, taking a deep breath. Seeing colors all around me. Body relaxing.

Lighter, lighter, lighter. Free.

Could it be possible that this is a wonderful thing that is happening? Could there be advantages?

What if I could say, when something difficult occurs in my world, “OH GOOD! This is going to be really interesting!”

What if I really didn’t need my life to go a certain way today in order for it to be a “good” life? What if I roll with however it goes…open, unlimited, exciting.

What if I can feel love, even here, right now, in this moment where I feel great fear or sadness. Is this terrible moment ALL stress? What else is here?

Peace is here. Remembering who I am without stressful thoughts. When I answer that question, who I WOULD BE without the idea that something terrible has occurred…then I see beyond the terrible. I enter the DON’T KNOW mind in a much more wonderful way.

I don’t know why this happened, I don’t know why I’m experiencing this, I don’t know why it hurts so much, I don’t know why I believe it loss, trauma, or pain so often.

I don’t know what any of it is really for….and that is absolutely OK. This situation apparently exists, without my opinion that it shouldn’t.

And when I turn it around, I discover that I’m not so sure this “bad” thing shouldn’t be happening.

Something good is happening.

Really? Exciting! Something is shifting, something is coming into form, something is helping things move in that direction, not in this one. There is no reasoning, there is no point that I need to know about.

I received this beautiful poem today from an author and teacher, Mary O’Malley, in her newsletter.

Aimless Love

This morning as I walked along the lakeshore,
I fell in love with a wren
and later in the day with a mouse
the cat had dropped under the dining room table.

In the shadows of an autumn evening,
I fell for a seamstress
still at her machine in the tailor’s window,
and later for a bowl of broth,
steam rising like smoke from a naval battle.

This is the best kind of love, I thought,
without recompense, without gifts,
or unkind words, without suspicion,
or silence on the telephone…

~ Billy Collins ~

This is the best kind of love….without the thought that there is anything dangerous or misunderstood going on. No suspicion, no lack of kindness.

Just silence and noticing.

You can do it, too.

Love, Grace

Posted on

Underestimating Your Enemies Means Losing

For all of you who have written with interest about the upcoming Year For The Addictive Mind….stay tuned. I will have many details on both my website and also it will be posted on Byron Katie’s website by the end of this coming weekend.

Even with so many details to finalize, when I awoke this morning, I was thinking, as usual, about the meaning of life, along with when I was going to repair the tear in my coat. Such a rascally rascal, that voice that enjoys figuring things out. As if.

I read a passage the day before where a very old woman who had experienced a truly wonderful and rich life, discovered that at the end of her long days on the planet, she really hadn’t figured out anything yet.

DOH!

All this seeking, learning, analyzing, ruminating, wondering, fascination…it comes and goes in waves of happiness and sadness, despair, grief, ecstasy, joy, peace, fear….all kinds of feelings about everything, coming and going hither and thither.

That big question that Einstein posed…is the universe friendly, or NOT?

Was the little old lady talking about THAT question? I don’t know for sure, but that’s what I was thinking about this morning:

Do I now know, or do I now NOT know, if the universe is friendly?

The usual way of life, for me so far, has been that things are hummin’ along and then something happens, and it gets categorized into Friendly/Not Friendly.

There’s all the reaction, and response, and the A-Teams checking out the casualties (or births), thumbs up, disappointments, up or down…but in the back of the mind a little note-taker who is cataloguing and recording the friendly and not friendly experiences.

I had a Not Friendly experience recently. According to the One Who is Recording In The Catalogue.

And I had to ask myself, as someone who knows the beauty of self-inquiry, what could be the advantage in this situation? I found one, and then another.

It was quite startling, to find advantages so quickly, almost immediately after the Not Friendly occurred.

But then I noticed, it still felt like an emotional blow, like getting hit really hard, injured, damaged, misunderstood. I felt sad.

I felt so very sad, that I had sudden immense, deep doubt in the Friendliness of the Universe.

And then I noticed….in this situation I’m really invested in getting back to positive, to not have to feel so incredibly sad, to manage my wounds.

Positive thinking, finding turnarounds, quickly asking “who would I be without this thought?!” is not The Work if I do it in order to find a good outcome, or get happy.

It’s not The Work if I’m all “QUICK! Remember that it’s a Friendly Universe! OMG Hurry, Hurry, Hurry!”

Trying to make the best of a situation is OK, but it’s not exactly always REAL. It’s not theTruth. It’s trying to impose a positive slant on Reality.

Oops. Remember that quote by Katie..”Argue with reality, and you lose, but only 100% of the time.” 

This includes arguments that say that surely, the universe is friendly, when you’re really NOT sure at that particular moment.

I once again realized, when feeling a strong emotional feeling of great grief, that I was judging the actual feeling as bad to feel. The situation, with bad feelings in it, was BAD.

I was trying to draw conclusions from my experience, too, maybe a little too fast. Like a strategy for handling this very terrible situation.

“Gosh golly, this will be a really amazing learning opportunity, this will allow me to practice acceptance of endings/death!”….OR…. “This doesn’t really bother me, I can force myself, surely, into forgetting all about this!”

If someone gets hit by a car, and is lying in the street, we don’t run over to them with blood flowing around them and look into their eyes and say “would you like to do The Work right now?”

This morning, I didn’t do that to myself either.

But now, later in the day….I will. Everything in perfect timing.

“There is no greater misfortune than underestimating your enemy. Underestimating your enemy means thinking that he is evil. Thus you destroy yoru three treasures and become an enemy yourself. When two great forces oppose each other, the victory will go to the one that knows how to yield.”~Tao Te Ching #69

My suffering and grief is not my enemy, that person who did something that hurt is not my enemy, this situation is not my enemy.

Are there ways that this is true? Not lets-get-positive ways. Real ways. Is there anything friendly here? Can you find it?

That’s what I’m talkin’ about!

Love, Grace

Posted on

Getting Crucified Has Its Advantages

The concept of “decisions” and how we make them is very complex and seems to have many underlying beliefs, often stressful, for many people.

A little child sees a huge store window full of toys and her grandma says “let’s go inside and choose one”.  But every single toy looks so fabulous!

Have you ever been with a kid who was taking too long to decide?

One of my good friends used to be very upset with all the people in lines waiting at the sandwich shop. If they got to the counter, after all that waiting, and hesitated or had questions about the menu, ARRRRGGGHH.

Just pick something! Choose!

The thing is, decisions only become “critical” when there seems to be a lot at stake. I am going to choose this action, and there will be consequences that don’t really matter in the big scheme of things…..

OR, I am going to choose this other action, and there will be BIG changes afterwards.

The more there seems to be at stake, the bigger the worry, fear, anxiety, frustration….the more we write lists of pros and cons and wring our hands.

Should I stay here or should I move to another country? More thinking about it.

Should I order the salmon or the pasta? Less thinking about it.

Should I try to quit smoking again? Should I take my coat with me? Should I say I want a divorce? Should I buy the brown couch or the gray couch? Should I ask her out?

When I was a teenager, after I became aware that sometimes humans do odd things that appear to be out of their usual kind nature, I remember wondering what Peter or Judas were thinking when they decided to “betray” Jesus in the stories in the bible.

Both these men spent a ton of time with Jesus and admired him, loved him, appreciated him…as the story goes.

And then something happened. Whether it was hunger for wealth, or fear of being associated with that radical guy, or jealousy, or misunderstanding Jesus’ message or words, or competition…..whatever it was that was bothering them drove them to make decisions that would change the course of the lives of everyone involved.

Loss, suffering, death, goin’ down in history as the ones who dissed their buddy.

But did they personally actually make those decisions?

It’s not like they planned out the future and said, “there’s going to come a time when I will throw Jesus under a bus”.

It just worked out that way. They didn’t enjoy it. In fact, it was quite agonizing, so the story goes. They surprised themselves with their own behavior.

Who would you rather be, the guy who got betrayed, or the betrayer? As Byron Katie asks sometimes, who would you rather be, the perpetrator, or the victim?

When something bad happens that we think is because someone else was wrong, someone else betrayed us, abandoned us, lied, embellished, tricked, made up rumors, gossiped, was abusive, violent, manipulated the situation….the Threatened Mind Committee can have a field day.

When something difficult happens that appears to be caused by someone else, the first level of reaction is usually to think that the person who took action against someone else is crazy, twisted, wrong, very confused, or has some kind of disorder.

Often, people have this kind of feeling towards a lover or spouse who leaves them.

That person who ditched their partner is judged as fearful, a bit mixed up, unskilled, immature, unhappy, full of distrust, suspicious. Maybe they are an addict, maybe they don’t know any better based on their family background.

The trouble with looking at the other person as if they have a major problem is that the Threatened Mind Committee will involve YOU in the attack. Some of the voices will think it’s YOUR fault, that YOU are the stupid, ignorant, unlovable, unworthy, messed up, victimized, weak, gullible person.

And more importantly, the trouble with looking at the other person with any anger or sadness or fear AT ALL, is that it puts you in prison internally…..ready to defend, get justice, fight, return the blow.

But I notice as that if I stop and wait, and open myself to the possibility of questioning every painful thought that streaks through my consciousness, then I have a chance to be free.

“Defense is the first act of war”~Byron Katie

What happens when you center yourself and start to question your stressful thinking?

You don’t defend yourself. You don’t get all riled up (as much). You may even remember right in the moment when someone leaves you, betrays you, or makes statements against you, that this it is OK that this is happening.

You may find the part of you that’s like Jesus. Willing, able, fearless, innocent, and totally accepting of the outcome. Ready to live in peace, without an ego-centered point of reference.

Who would you be without the thought that you have ever been betrayed?

“My safety lies in my defenselessness”~A Course In Miracles

Without the thought that I have been betrayed, I am not afraid. I trust. I have the courage to let go. I let life have me, there is no struggle, there is just movement here or there.

I turn the thought around that I was betrayed, that its possible for bad decisions to get made by other people.

My thinking is betraying me, I am betraying myself, I am betraying this person who I believe is doing the betraying, with my thoughts of fear and anger. 

Is there any possible way this thing that happened is a good thing?

Wow. There is a complete turnaround, an opportunity, of momentous power here. What I have always asked for, as I live and breathe each day, is that love engulfs me, and my urge to BE IMPORTANT dies, and that I surrender to the universe instead of arguing with it. That happens when I find turnarounds to stressful thoughts.

What did I get when my former husband left?

Silent time alone in the house, playing the piano for more hours than I had in 15 years, picking up the guitar again to learn new songs, signing up for classes in Qigong and meditation, new friends, new work.

What I have always asked for is to be with God/ Source/ Chaos/ Death/ Endings/ Beginnings/ Mystery without a ME controlling it all, or trying to, and using a lot of energy.

Yes, I wanted the upheaval, the new connections, to drop the old ways, to change. That is what it took.

 “Believe me, there cannot be too much destruction.”~Nisargadatta

Who would I be without the thought that anybody ever did me wrong?

 “You can get out by simply by letting everyday life take down the walls you hold around yourself. You simply don’t participate in supporting, maintaining, and defending your fortress.”~Michael Singer

Everyday life is gifting me with freedom…even if it scares me to the bones. That person who left, who betrayed, who challenged me, who incited my anger, who blamed me, who criticized me….they are the most amazing assistants for knocking out that tight little identity I think is me.

Getting crucified may hurt, but what comes after is life without a story. And pure gratitude.

Love, Grace

Posted on

Are You Trying To Handle The Master Carpenter’s Tools?

I have had many questions recently about how the teleclasses work and what it’s like to participate logistically. Like, “do I need my computer and do I need to watch something online?!”

The good news: all you need is a telephone. Any kind of phone will do. I haven’t gotten fancy yet with webinars or slides or something actually online…although that’s probably coming. But this option is quite simple. You dial in to a regular 9-digit US phone number and then enter a code, and we’re all on the phone together!

Many people like to use Skype as it is then free from their foreign location. This DOES require a computer and the use of the free software by Skype. I am amazed at all the wonderful people calling from Australia, Japan, Germany, Spain, Peru, Mexico. Truly incredible!

And speaking of technology….MY HARD DRIVE CRASHED! ARRRRGGGGH!

What was that? Did you say I might want to do The Work on this situation?

Oh, now that you mention it…I DID notice a moment of exploding thoughts about gizmos and gadgets and hard drives not working. I WOULD call that stressful, yes.

In my Friday Horrible Food Wonderful Food teleclass, the effort to establish the group forum initially didn’t work either. Arrrgghh again.

These moments are so fascinating for watching the mind that wants control, or believes it HAS control, or believes it NEEDS control.

It has such a hissy fit. It should be going THAT way, not THIS way.

This is the landing place of angst, frustration, resentment, suffering. I want it to look like that, I think it should look like that, I need it to look like that…in order to be happy.

I will NOT be happy until it looks the way I think it should look.

  • my hard drive shouldn’t break
  • all data needs to be retrieved
  • this program should work
  • this shouldn’t take so long
  • I should understand this. Yesterday.
  • whose fault is this? Attack them now.

With computers and technology, I find the frustration is so minor, my mind brushes it off as inconsequential. Unimportant, not necessary for investigation. I quickly find that the data I thought I needed is not needed at all.

However, this is absolutely fantastic training ground for awareness of the thought process, since there is not so much invested, according to my mind. The feelings are not very strong, so I can see how the mind works when it’s incredibly self-oriented and all about ME.

Busy finding fault with those people out there who are doing it wrong. Those hard-drive builders, that data-retrieval company, my teenager who dropped the thing in the first place, the people at google or apple who are updating everything so freakin’ fast I can’t keep up.

This mind will do the same thing on seemingly much bigger issues, the ones I care about a lot more.

Like…my body should be like THAT, not like THIS. My girlfriend should be like THAT, not like THIS. My job should be like THAT, not like THIS. The political scene, the corporations, money, traffic, my child, my mother, my father, time, energy, my health, my job, my living situation, that other country, the government, chocolate, the weather.

One of my favorite things Byron Katie says is “who needs God, when we have your opinion?” 

But. I can’t be mistaken, could I? That would be alarming. Confusing. Weird. I mean, wouldn’t I lose all my volition, my energy, my push, my drive? If I am not 100% RIGHT then what will I do? I won’t know what to say, think, feel, dream!

I won’t be able to come up with my PLAN for this situation and how it should be handled and managed. I’ll be too passive!

[We interrupt this Grace Notes post to let you know that right in the middle of writing it, half of it suddenly disappeared from the screen with a message about unusual technical difficulty right here in this moment].

I am now laughing!

What are the advantages of having things vanish, break, disappear, get lost, become unretrievable?

I notice that suffering occurs, on some level, every time I think things should be different than they actually are. I also have believed that if I accept WHAT IS, then I myself will become nothing, mean nothing, and not matter. And nothing will ever change (and it needs to, remember?)

What are the advantages for losing my work, losing my hard drive, losing my memory, my former husband, my childhood, my family the way it once was? What are the advantages for losing my health, my youth, my job, my house, my money, my hard drive?

I am here, now, in the present. I notice there is now, and a new thing to think of or do. I notice I don’t need all my recordings on that hard drive, I don’t need the wedding pictures (there are plenty more from other people), I don’t need it to run my classes, I get to buy a new laptop that is new instead of very old.

I notice everything is moving and changing. Nothing is stagnant.

“Our life’s work is to use what we have been given to wake up. If there were two people who were exactly the same—same body, same speech, same mind, same mother, same father, same house, same food, everything the same—one of them could use what he has to wake up and the other could use it to become more resentful, bitter, and sour. It doesn’t matter what you’re given, whether it’s physical deformity or enormous wealth or poverty, beauty or ugliness, mental stability or mental instability, life in the middle of a madhouse or life it he middle of a peaceful, silent desert. Whatever you’re given can wake you up or put you to sleep.”~Pema Chodron

For me, I am nodding off when I start in on those people, that technology, or this situation that is BAD and needs to be FIXED.

There she goes, falling asleep into the irritable, intolerant, anxious, sad, all-about-me mind!

I remember, at some point, to question my thinking.

Because I find over and over again that without making war on a situation, amazingly, it seems that it’s actually MORE likely to change.

Well, it usually does anyway, whether I’m trying to get it to change or not.

“If you realize that all things change, there is nothing you will try to hold on to. If you aren’t afraid of dying, there is nothing you can’t achieve. Trying to control the future is like trying to take the master carpenter’s place. When you handle the master carpenter’s tools, chances are that you’ll cut your hand.”~ Tao Te Ching #74

I used to cut my hands over and over again. They were a bloody mess. OUCH. Just so unhappy and so full of thoughts about my predicament being terrible. Life seemed sooooo hard.

But with The Work, letting go of the outcome, turning my thinking around to the opposite, finding advantages for my present situation….my hands only appear to have little nicks and scratches on them.

And today, with this technology “break down” thing, I notice my “hands” are pain-free. In fact, they look pretty lovely. They look fascinating! Who made these hands? What made these hands? Who or what do they belong to?! Freakin’ Incredible!

Love, Grace

Posted on

How Shocking! He’s Not Attracted To Me!

Wow, I got so many notes and emails from people responding to my Grace Note yesterday on Fearing Desire. WONDERFUL comments!

One of the most interesting things I have noticed, in all the teleclasses I teach but ESPECIALLY in the Sexuality class, is people noticing at some point in the process of inquiring into their thinking is that this is about so much more than sex.

This work is about feeling fear when someone does something, or asks for something, or wants something, or says they need something, especially from YOU…whether that looks like physical contact or not.

This work is about feeling the stress that flows through you when someone says they are attracted to you, or when you are attracted to them…or perhaps when they DON’T like you and they don’t want anything from you.

Human connection and communication, relationships, asking for what you want, responding to others when they ask for what they want…this dynamic shows up in almost every relationship.

It is far beyond the experience of sexuality, but the arena of sexuality is so wonderful, so filled with mood, emotion, arousal, disappointment, pleasure, demand, intrigue, hope…that it is one of the most powerful exchanges to study.

We get to find out what we really, really think we want. We get to see what the moment is like, what we are believing when we are disturbed or uncomfortable.

As Byron Katie suggests, we are looking here at the stressful thoughts, not the relaxing, peaceful ones. Those loving ones we may as well keep. They are kind and gentle.

The tougher, nervy ones go like this:

  • If I move towards that person, I could get hurt
  • If that person moves towards me, I need to run away
  • If I like that person, I will hurt someone else
  • If that person likes me, they are wrong/confused/pushy
  • I have to do something with this feeling of attraction
  • That person (those people) are out of control with their feelings
  • I must get satisfied!
  • When that person does THAT, says THAT, moves that way…it’s freaky
  • I need to be liked, I need people to think I’m attractive

We assume things constantly, with a tiny gesture, with a facial expression. We wonder what it means. We stay quiet and don’t ask, because it’s frightening to think of speaking up. Or we may be boisterous and loud, but still full of assumptions that may not be spot on. We keep secrets.

This expression within sexuality can contain what is uncomfortable in human interaction, and what we’re most afraid of. It’s about how we perceive desire, wanting, emptiness, dischord, anxiety.

When my mind used to be so full of all these kinds of thoughts about what that other person might mean, what I should or shouldn’t be doing or feeling, and believing that what I want, say, or think could be bad…it was paralyzing.

I discovered that I could take one single situation that involved physical touch, attraction, or affection, and see a whole box full of stressful ideas from that one single moment.

Once a man I was on a date with said to me after spending a whole day together, having a great time talking (I thought) “you know, you really aren’t my type.”

It was like a knife went through my gut. I had to control myself from crying (must not show that I’m affected by his words–an additional stressful thought of course).

Oh the agony that one human man on the planet didn’t think I was his type!!!

Now, while I look at that moment as somewhat surprising…..I can say DANG, that was direct and blunt! That was awesome! No guessing where I stood, that’s for sure.

It was an amazing moment in not taking something personally. Although…heh heh. I took it sooooo personally (remember the knife) there was not even a half-second before my reaction.

Boy, the seething viciousness of my own mind later was incredible. All because of someone saying they were not attracted to me.

But I did The Work. I investigated what the heck was happening in that moment, for me. I dove into that terrible blistering moment like my life depended on it.

I turned that thought around…”he should have said that, he should not be attracted to me (if he’s not, I mean…duh), he should tell me the truth straight up, he should not pull any punches, I do not need flattery, I am not rejected, I am still attractive—to myself and to other men”.

I realized that all of those were just as true. I realized all the importance and power I gave those words from his mouth.

I even realized he didn’t necessarily mean them to be hurtful to me! He knew I could handle it!

“Who would you be in people’s presence without, for example, the story that anyone should care about you, ever? You would be love itself. When you believe the myth that people should care, you’re too needy to care about people or about yourself. The experience of love can’t come from anyone else; it can come only from inside you.”~Byron Katie

Every time there is a jolt in me that puts up a shield, or something inside that starts to gather rocks, I know I’ve got attack-mode engaged. Not really that useful or fun.

Who would I be without my story that this whole sexuality business is a sensitive topic, that we have to be careful and delicate, that it’s weird, or private, or personal….or really all that important? What if I gave up moving towards, moving away, and just noticed?

I’d start a teleclass on the topic.

“Ego is the movement of the mind toward objects of perception in the form of grasping, and away from objects in the form of aversion. This fundamentally is all the ego is.”~Adyashanti

The Our Wonderful Sexuality starts on Tuesday 1/22. Join us if you’d like to look at love, attraction, anger, first kiss, your longest-term relationship….and question what happened.

Love, Grace

Posted on

Fearing Desire

Sexuality is a pretty sensitive topic, in most cultures. There are delicate nuances to become aware of, from quite young, about what is right or wrong, acceptable, or condemned.

We learn through flashes of conversation, or words, or gestures what people might be doing or not doing. Some of us have more exposure than others. It seems the adults are involved in something that children aren’t quite in tune with yet.

Many of us learn in a more direct manner about the biology and physiology of human sexuality in school, or from books.

The dictionary defines sexuality as the capacity to have responses or feelings that are filled with desire.

And yet so many people grapple with conflict around their own desires or other peoples’ desires.

We think “I don’t WANT to be capable of having desires! I want to STOP all feelings of desire! And while we’re at it….I want those disgusting other people to stop THEIR feelings of desire! Someone could get hurt!”

DESIRE. There is either too much or not enough of it. Plus it’s dangerous to even mention.

We think bad things happen when there is too much desire, like overeating. Like there is a phantom or ghost who wants to eat and eat and doesn’t get satiated. It’s obsessive, over-heated, crazed, powerful.

Bad things happen when there is too little desire, like numbness, lack of feeling, lack of fun, like loss of appetite, carefulness, fear, solitude.

Socrates said, “Life contains but two tragedies. One is not to get your heart’s desire; the other is to get it.” 

This study of desire and attraction grows the awareness of the flashlight beam pointing towards THAT THING OVER THERE. The feelings surrounding it all can be incredibly fascinating when we look, without so much judgment.

The first time I wrote a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet on someone with whom I was in a love relationship including physical contact, I edited myself the whole way through. I skipped the specific moments that brought out the most rage because those moments happened in intimate situations.

Then I realized that I had done this, and I wrote it freely, with all my petty, mean, vicious, angry judgments pouring forth. I thought to myself, I will just keep this to myself and do The Work on these thoughts ALL BY MYSELF. I will NEVER get facilitated on this.

But then I heard Byron Katie working with people on moments of physical or sexual contact with other people that were very troubling, and I remembered that when I first read Loving What Is, I almost gasped out loud when reading about a woman who was sexually abused as a child with an adult.

I thought, “Wait….you mean Katie is talking about even looking at THIS when it comes to our relationship with reality? But this IS terrible and horrifying and damaging for life, I could NEVER accept it!”

I wrote down my most foul, caustic, violent thoughts about those terrible abusers that mixed sexuality up with power and fear. I wanted to know the truth, for myself.

One day, I was driving by the strip club that is about a mile from my little cottage. I wrote down my thoughts later on this horrible place, that I hoped my children didn’t notice, even though there is a gigantic pair of women’s legs flashing in neon light 24 hours a day.

Then it occurred to me that I had never actually been inside the place, or any place like it, and I was scared of it. My ideas were all based on movies, hearsay and fear. I was mad at the sign…but what was that about?

A couple of weeks later, I went inside.

I looked, with open eyes, and had a very wide range of thoughts and feelings about all of it. I noted my most stressful thoughts. I had thoughts about the dancers, the men, the people who worked there, the person taking tickets…I mean, everyone there had so many problems!

Wow. I also saw beauty, and I saw that I didn’t really know what was going on.

By doing The Work this experience, I got the opportunity to ask more people about their experiences of attraction, romance, lust, and the differences between all of them. I asked people, if I could find them, why they liked going to such places, what they got out of it. It was so fascinating.

I got to facilitate many people through their beliefs about situations they felt disturbed by in their own lives that were similar.

I went for it and got facilitated by actual people on my own interests, attractions, lust, desires…by questioning awkward moments, scary moments, uncomfortable weird moments with other humans, I have grown beyond any boundaries I ever had around this topic.

To get that everyone is doing the best they can, is truly amazing. To get how fear brings on this huge wall of resistance and pain is such a relief.

I’ve never been interested in returning to the strip club, but I also notice, I’ve never thought the sign shouldn’t be there flashing itself anymore. Right now in this moment as I write, I discover I forgot all about it.

Next week there is still space in the teleclass Our Wonderful Sexuality class starting on Tuesday evenings 1/22 Pacific time (6:30-8:00 pm). If you’ve had the thought that you would never want to expose, or write about, or do the work “publicly” on this topic relating to sexuality or anything like it….this is a super safe, open container for questioning your most painful beliefs about it.

We have eight sessions and eight different exercises designed to help you write about those uncomfortable or disturbing situations that you want to investigate. Then we take the stressful thoughts to inquiry!

“We do not know what is outside the walls of the prison of our mind, because we have never ventured there. While our fear projects what is there, it cannot know. Fear cannot leave the prison because it must always guard its inmates. But, if the self collapses, if the walls come down, is it fear that remains, or is it freedom?” ~ Steven Harrison in Doing Nothing.

Love, Grace

Learn About Teleclasses Here