Category: Relationships

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Stepping Backwards When A Relationship Ends

When I was traveling half way around the world recently with my beloved partner, after almost three weeks of 24/7 time together….at one point I thought suddenly “it’s easier to be single”.

So many advantages, for an introvert like me. Although I couldn’t believe the thought for more than 15 seconds.

But there was a flash, a vision of the benefits, all in an instant. Quiet, silence, space, no deciding what we’re doing next, no talking….fortunately, all I needed to do was to say “could we have no talking?” and my husband lovingly agreed.

And it was really hilarious that I even jumped to that thought in the first place, because I used to think the opposite: “it’s better to be partnered.”

The belief that it’s better to be in partnership, dating, have a girlfriend or boyfriend is really common. And often stressful.

“I can’t get what I really want, need, desire, enjoy…unless I have a partner”. 

Many people are single when they say or think this thought. At least, I said it when I myself was single.

I would be having a wonderful time, and then have the thought “this would be BETTER if I had a partner here with me!”

Now, I’m not saying that being married to the amazing and sweet man I am married to is difficult. It is, in fact, the easiest, most kind, loving, simple relationship I’ve ever known.

But I swear….it seems like this current relationship appeared when I came to stand in a place where I really did not care if I ever got married again. Or care if I ever lived with anyone again. Or care if I was “in a relationship” again.

I did The Work a LOT on relationships….especially after my first marriage of 15 years ended.

Fortunately, I had The Work.

Fortunately, I stopped “trying” to go get something different. I stopped trying to move forward into that new state of relationship that would be better.

I stopped, and questioned my thinking.

When a relationship “ends” (we’ll talk about what that means in a minute) then it is very common for human beings to feel a great variety of feelings…feelings that HURT!!

I was not only hurting, I felt physically sick. I could not sleep well, I had a low-level anxiety running at all times, and my future looked bleak.

I thought that “ending” meant a lot of things. BAD THINGS.

My thoughts about myself were the most excruciating. They went something like this:

  • I am worthy of being broken up with
  • if I was good enough, this wouldn’t be happening
  • I can’t make it financially on my own
  • I can’t handle house repairs or car repairs by myself
  • My life will never be the same, it is over
  • I will never risk being this hurt again
  • The rest of my life, I will be lonely
  • I need someone else to pow-wow with, to converse with, to be intimate with emotionally and physically

As I looked at the beliefs and the whole system of thinking about Relationships: The Pros and The Cons.…I realized that many of the primary core beliefs broke apart and didn’t even make sense once I began to investigate them.

Could I really know that it was true, that this relationship “ending” meant that I wasn’t good enough? That if someone was breaking up with me, it meant BAD THINGS about me?

Could I really know that I couldn’t make it financially on my own? Or handle daily life tasks?

Was it really true that my life changing drastically was a TERRIBLE thing?

Was I really, really, really as hurt as I thought I was? Or lonely?

Was I SURE I could only get the intimacy I craved from a primary relationship?

No! I had no idea, really, that what was happening was a dreadful, horrible, terrible thing.

When I believed that it was a bad thing….life was rough. I was scared, confused, closed, nervous, and unhappy. I wasn’t interested in other people, or I was TOO interested in people who actually did NOT REALLY interest me. A knot of tension and dishonesty.

And then I asked the amazing question….“who would I be without the thought that breaking up or ending a relationship is a bad thing”?

What if it was a good thing?

“How do I know I don’t need a boyfriend? Simple: I don’t have one. ” ~ Byron Katie

Ending an important relationship brings so much opportunity to question stress and pain…I found the turnarounds to be amazingly true.

A relationship ending could give you the opportunity to enjoy your own company, to enjoy yourself as worthy, to notice how you are good enough, to make it financially on your own, to handle house and car repairs yourself, to notice life was already not ever going to be the same (always changing), to laugh, to see how intimate you can be with anyone, in every way.

I mean, you could ROCK, without needing anyone!

And here’s the funniest thing of all: the relationship didn’t actually “end”.

There is communication, conversation, ideas, response, memories, laughing….they continue.

Even my father, who is long gone, I can remember, think about, talk to…it did not “end”.

“The forward step is always moving ahead, always trying to attain what you want, whether it’s a material possession or inner peace. The forward step is very familiar: seeking and more seeking, striving and more striving, always looking for peace, always looking for happiness, looking for love. To take the backward step means to just turn around, reverse the whole process of looking for satisfaction on the outside, and look at precisely the place where you are standing. See if what you are looking for isn’t already present in your experience.” ~ Adyashanti

I say, question your thinking, change everything you know about relationships.

It’s worth it.

And if I can do it….lordy…you can do it too.

Much Love, Grace

  • Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Thursdays, July 11 – August 29, 2013, 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. Register Here. 
  • Our Wonderful Sexuality: A Safe Place For Inquiry on Painful Thoughts About Sexuality. Fridays, July 12 – August 30, 2013 Noon – 1:30 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. Register Here. 
  • Mini Retreats Seattle. Saturdays, 8/10, 10/12, 11/30, 2013, 1:30-5:30 pm. Goldilocks Cottage. $70 includes intensive, handouts, tea and snacks, $55 repeater rate.  Click here to register for mini-retreats:
  • Loving Your Body Breitenbush Hot Springs Retreat. June 26-30, 2013. For all the information please click HERE.
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Needing Love

Every so often, I think of the movie Castaway starring Tom Hanks.

If you haven’t seen it, it’s about a man who is in a cargo plane crash (almost no people, just fed ex packages on board). He lands on a tiny tropical island awash with fed ex boxes and letters, but no people.

He lives there for four years before being rescued.

Can you imagine finding yourself on a tiny island, no inhabitants except you, yourself and I?

Many monks would do this on purpose in caves or in monasteries, spending time with only themselves, no one else. Just their own minds.

One of the deepest questions that appears to come forward in this aloneness, in feeling separate or empty or far away (like on an island) is lack of loving contact….whatever that looks like.

“I need love”.

It seems like it’s at the core of so many situations……as a very stressful belief.

The belief system all related to “I need love” looks like this:

Something happens, someone says something, someone gives you a look, someone makes a gesture…and there is a worry, a fear, a terror of being alone, being cut off, being bereft, falling, becoming nothing, feeling meaningless, being unworthy….

*my partner left me…I need his love
*she gave me an irritated look…I need her love
*my house burned down….I need other peoples’ love
*he said he hates my dress…I need him to like it
*she broke up with me…I need her attention
*my boss criticized my work…I need his appreciation
*my daughter is angry because I said no…I need her love
*my father raged at all the kids…we needed his approval
*my mother couldn’t stop criticizing…I needed her love
*I am suffering, sad, disappointed, angry, frightened…I need God’s love
*I have cancer….I need love
*I need more money…I need more self-love

I need his love, her love, their love, our love, your love, God’s love, and my own love!

When this feels absolutely true, that love in some form or another is missing, then yes, it’s sad. It’s terrible for some. Heart-breaking, desperate, clinging, awful.

And the mind just knows there is a solution: get love!

If only I was rescued from this desert island in the middle of the ocean, things would begin looking up!!!

If only I was filled with ecstasy, bliss and joy every second of every minute of every hour THEN I would be TRULY happy!

But I love questioning this thought that I need love, ever.

Is it true?

YES OH YES, OMG let me play the violin and sing the song, and tell you of my story.

I make fun of myself in all this….believe me, it’s not like I’m cured of thinking ever that I need love. Ha!

But can I absolutely know that I need it? Or that I have to do something about needing it? Or manage it or make plans or work out strategies to cope with needing it?

I know that the way I react when I believe the thought “I need love” in whatever tiny little way that shows up, is that I am careful. I don’t feel free. I worry. I freak out. I cry. I panic. I hunt for relief.

Who would I really be without that thought? Goodness, it’s almost hard to imagine.

At first, I wait. It’s an empty feeling without the thought “I need love”. It’s very quiet. Nothing really to do or say. Nowhere to go. Observing.

It can feel uncaring. Yet free. Liberating.

Who would you be, walking down the street today, without the thought that you need love?

It makes me break out in laughter! I start to notice things more freshly around me somehow, or not notice. It’s so open, so relaxed. It’s like the way teenagers say WHATEVER!

There’s something very funny about this. In fact, there’s something hysterical about the drama of thinking about all those times I thought I needed love.

All those times when I have been so grabby and nervous, so trying to calm down, or make an effort, or work hard, or be nice, or be healthy, or do the right thing…whatever those are.

“The truth of your being doesn’t crave happiness; it could actually care less. It doesn’t crave love, not because you are so full of love, but because it just doesn’t crave love. It’s very simple. It doesn’t seek to be known, regarded highly, or understood. When you’re living what you are in an awakened way, there’s no ideal for you anymore. You’ve stepped off the entire cycle of suffering, of becoming; you’re not interested.” ~ Adyashanti

The turnaround: I do not need love.

Doesn’t that sound exciting? Right in the middle of the situation where you thought you needed it most? Could that be truer that you do not, in fact, need any more love than you already have? Not one drop more of attention, approval, appreciation? From anyone, or anything?

Even if you’re on an island, or in a monastery, or all alone in your house, or someone just said something unpleasant, or you learned something troubling?

YES! WOW!

“If I had a prayer, it would be this: ‘God, spare me from the desire for love, approval, or appreciation. Amen.'” ~ Byron Katie

Much Love, Grace

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Amends With That Scary Person–In Your Mind First

If you’re in Seattle, there are spots for Saturday afternoon inquiry. 1:30 – 5:30 to dive deep, practice, learn. Write me if you need any scholarship help. Click below at the end of this post if you want to attend.

The other evening on skype, working with a dear client in another time zone 8 hours away, she said she ran into someone from her past in a crowded theater.

She felt panic! She wanted to leave the show at intermission!

It reminded me of going to a show myself some time ago, and having the THOUGHT that I could run into a certain individual from my past at that very show.

With a small shot of adrenaline zapping through my system, I had scanned the audience when her face entered my mind.

Oh dear, she attends shows like this….she could be here! How will I act if she’s here!?

Fortunately, I chuckled at my mind coming up with ideas like this, as it seems to do.

I already knew that running into that person would be fantastic.

The emotional experience might be uncomfortable, because of my own beliefs about her thoughts about me, and the misunderstandings that occurred in our relationship, and my imagination that something went wrong between us.

But it would offer a shift, a new opportunity.

So even in the thought about running into that person, there was a tiny shift, and a new opportunity.

Who would you be afraid to run into out in the world?

What if you even imagined running into someone you know who has died, maybe long ago?

Perhaps you turn the corner in a big city and BOOM there they are. Perhaps you notice them in a moving car when you’re driving. Or in a restaurant or grocery store.

Strange how the world moves, and you are in the same dimension, same place, same time (apparently) as that one person who brings up a lot of emotion.

Byron Katie speaks of these sometimes stunning coincidences as beautiful opportunities to connect with the truth for yourself…and perhaps to make amends.

In the dictionary, “amends” is defined as altering, modifying, rephrasing….compensating for injury or loss.

So this dear woman was speaking of seeing a former boss of hers in the crowded theater, and feeling fear. She didn’t approach him or talk with him.

But she hadn’t thought of him in ages, and just seeing him brought forth troubling memories.

Whether in the flesh or only in our minds, the pictures and the feelings can be vivid.

And I speak from experience….you can face the person, whether the person is there or not, whether they are alive or not.

Sometimes, imagining the person is the best place to start. Doing it there, internally from within, with all your heart and soul exposed to yourself, can feel safer.

Just safe enough to bring it into greater clarity.

Making amends doesn’t mean scampering off to apologize and hoping to receive favor from that person who is upset with you.

Making amends doesn’t mean pushing yourself beyond what feels deeply right for you.

You may know that it is most peaceful and loving to make NO contact with that person.

But you can still make peace with that situation, that person, within your heart and mind. In fact, starting with yourself is the most wonderful place.

You sit down and write out your most difficult, excruciating, sad, angry, frustrated thoughts and feelings. On paper.

Then have someone ask you the Four Questions.

You may be closer to feeling the joy of amends or forgiveness than you realized.

You may find that the feeling of fear that courses through you when you run into someone coincidentally without plans is really just excitement, love, joy, adventure.

Even if you feel nauseated, you may know that you are recovering from a deep sickness of looking at this person in a twisted way, a hateful or unforgiving way.

“Go somewhere where its really quiet, and get very still. With your eyes closed, imagine [that person] sitting across from you and do it…get it done, from that inside place of you. And then to make it right, just live it out with the rest of us…with other men in your life, and women and cats and dogs and trees.”~Byron Katie

You do not ever “have to” make amends to someone.

In fact, if you feel like this is a “have to” then it probably isn’t time.

The universe will arrange the right place and the right time. If you run into someone out there, and you feel fear or trepidation, or sadness….

…then you know its because you can handle it.

Much love, Grace

P.S. Stay tuned for additional upcoming information about the One Year program starting in June. A fabulous, in-depth, comprehensive way to question your reality with like-minded people on the journey, addressing all the people and situations we’ve ever been afraid of.

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A Good Story: Enemy Turns To Friend

Sitting on my couch yesterday morning in my little cottage, with lilac blooms in the air and sun (imagine that in Seattle) streaming through the blinds, I felt such gratitude as the current RH2H teleclass did The Work together on the phone.

RH2H stands for Relationship Hell To Heaven.

Yes, that means ANY relationship. Even that really awful one that feels like fiery hell, frustration, sadness or pain when you think about it and remember it, even if it’s long over.

Or maybe its a relationship that feels rocky….good some moments, bad others, not easy somehow, not pleasant.

Many people as they look at the course of their lives can see relationships that went sour, something happened and things changed course, there was conflict, there was a situation, fear entered the scene, lack of love permeated the communication.

Maybe something surprising was revealed, or the way you thought you knew someone turned out to be inaccurate.

Some people would say “if those are friends, who needs enemies?!” 

In the past couple of years, I had two of those kinds of relationships where I had the thought “Wow….really?” and felt enormous disappointment and near shock.

Now the funny thing is….all great dramas are full of relationship surprises. It’s what makes Shakespeare so famous. And soap operas.

As Eckhart Tolle said….any great movie has the following element:

Something goes wrong.

The thing is, if we get stuck in the part of the story where something went wrong, and give up, resent forever, rage against, or attack the person who became an enemy….then things stay trapped in the dark places and….. it gets kind of boring.

No one wants to continue reading the story, or watching the movie.

The good part is when there is a great battle, something is now set right, something is overcome, and Great Peace prevails over the land.

In fact many of the most famous and wonderful tales open where the world has been dominated by a long period of dark chaos….but we’re about to enter the part of the story where light returns, awareness, adventure, and glory!

The light and glory and love and beauty, you can see, come out of sorrow, unconsciousness, desperation and dischord. In the great stories, at least.

So maybe, those people who have caused trouble are giving you the chance for brilliance and love beyond what you’ve ever known.

Perhaps there could be no adventure, no breaking free from blindness, without them.

I know this is true for me.

“If I see an enemy, I need to take another look…because that is my friend, not my enemy. Enemies enlighten me to myself. That makes them friends. In the world of the personality, friends are people who agree with you. You say ‘look at him, he is a terrible person’ and friends agree ‘yes he is a terrible person’…so now you have the people who believe like YOU do. The cult of people that preach The Universe Is Mean And Unfriendly. And if one of those friends says….’is it true, are you sure, is he really a terrible person?’ then your cult is threatened and you have to kick them out of the Who-Agrees-With-You Cult, because they dared to question what you believe about the nature of the universe. So, look to enemies as friends, and friends and friends.”~Byron Katie

I may tell the story of how I was hurt by that person in my life, or shocked, or scared, or terribly sad….but if I tell that story, I notice that then my job is to do The Work and question my thoughts, question my story.

I find, and continue to find, goodness that comes out of that troubling experience I had with that person.

I find real, genuine examples of how without that challenging person, I would not be where I am today.

In the two relationships I thought of, that felt really off, I find many examples for it being really good that it went the way it went. They offered the following awareness, and I honestly might not have such deep, deep appreciation for these without those “enemies”.

  • I’m more confident than ever about my amazing career working with people all over the world to find freedom from stressful thinking
  • I have great appreciation for all my colleagues, grad-school professors, and mentors in counseling who are a part of my professional life
  • I adore my darling husband and his many easy and loving, mature qualities
  • I love my life of freedom from extreme addictive behavior including co-dependency
  • I love the lack of alcohol, drugs, using, overeating, and craving in my life
  • I get more than ever what genuine open and free friendship really means
  • I take care of myself very well, especially my health and well-being
  • I say “no” when I feel it much sooner, and “yes” sooner as well

I see my part in the dramas that occurred. I say into the universe, to the image of that person in my mind (it is not necessary to contact that person unless you realize its the right thing for you to do):

“Thank you for doing that—thank you for being yourself”. 

Interacting with those “difficult” people gave me some of the biggest lessons, growth and joy of my life.

What are examples of good things that came out of your troubling relationships? See if you can find at least three.

This is your time for making it a GREAT STORY!

And, if your tough relationships have been with FOOD or MONEY….join the teleclass that starts in June and spend eight weeks in discovery around these sometimes VERY troubling relationships.

Horrible Food Wonderful Food meets on Tuesdays starting June 11th from 5:15-6:45 pm Pacific time and Earning Money meets on Thursdays starting June 13th also from 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time.

Both teleclasses already have people enrolled, and they are limited to 10 people max, so come on board if it’s right for you this time around, if its time to question that painful story.

Much love, Grace

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The Prison of Waiting For A Phone Call

Recently I facilitated a wonderful inquirer on the belief that someone should call her back. I remember well having that thought myself.

Picture that situation….you’ve left a voice mail. You’ve emailed. Perhaps you’ve sent a card or a hand-written note.

You’re pretty sure you have the correct address, the correct phone number, the correct email.

No response. Nothing comes back. Phone doesn’t ring. No email from that person. No text message. Nada.

“In human intercourse the tragedy begins, not when there is misunderstanding about words, but when silence is not understood.”~ Henry David Thoreau 

Without a mind that questions what it is thinking….the unquestioned assuming mind comes up with many scenarios for what might be going on.

  • he is too busy with other people to call me back (he doesn’t care about me)
  • she doesn’t like me anymore (I did something wrong)
  • he is rejecting me
  • she is ignoring me
  • I am hurt
  • they are hurt
  • it would be better if they made contact, I know this is true
  • that unresponsive person is an addict on a binge, out of control, has entered the “using” zone and they are avoiding me
  • he is not safe
  • I need to explain myself, something has been misunderstood

And of course, the mind will try to obsessively find out WHAT has been misunderstood and WHY and HOW.

I loved discovering at some point in the process of growing up, through inquiry, that all these assumptions are totally unknown.

I want it to fall into the “things are good with that person and me” zone for my own personal ego. That may sound harsh. But really, the only reason I want them to call back is so that me-myself-and-I can feel better.

I want to feel better, and the way that will happen is THEY WILL CONTACT ME.

Is that actually true? Really? Are you sure you will feel better? Are you sure that contact with that person is a good thing….better than No Contact?

The first time I did The Work on this concept….I had taken my cell phone into the bathroom with me “just in case I missed that person’s phone call”.

I was in the BATHROOM.

I saw myself in the mirror, holding the phone and barely able to put it down, checking to make sure the volume was turned up, ready to speed through my shower “just in case I missed that person’s phone call”.

My entire psyche was focused on waiting, wanting, getting, hoping for that incoming phone call.

And something inside me said “this is prison”.

I wanted freedom. I wanted to question the belief that “I need, want, hope, would love that person to make contact”.

Did I need it?

No. I was living my life, having a beautiful amazing day. I was with myself, in an empty little cottage. There was silence, beautiful silence (except for my screaming thoughts). I was alive, awake, noticing the air, the colors, the temperature.

Without the thought that I need, want, hope for a call or think it would be better to get one….then this moment here, without a call in it, is just as fun as any moment with a call in it.

Without the thought that I want a phone call, or that just one text or email would make things better, I notice how incredibly fabulous this is, right here and now.

I get to take nice long, hot pleasant shower, without interruption.

By questioning my belief that someone should contact me…I found out the following startling turnarounds were truer than my original thoughts:

  • I AM too busy with other people to call myself back into sanity in the present moment
  • I don’t care about myself when I’m busy thinking that person doesn’t care about me
  • I am not liking myself in that moment, I’m thinking I’m deficient (I need that call!)
  • I did something right! I left a message, I emailed, I texted, I made the attempts to contact…and now I move on into more fun and love
  • I am rejecting myself, I am not exactly loving my own company in that moment when desperately waiting for a call
  • I am ignoring my own self and how interesting and fun I can be
  • I am not actually hurt…people come, people go, I love them coming and going
  • if they are hurt, that’s up to them to work through that, and they can let me know on their own time (and when and if they do, I can handle it)
  • it would NOT be better if they made contact, because this moment rocks by itself
  • that person has their life to live, it’s not my life. If they are off obsessing or being an addict, or being righteous or angry or unhappy….that’s their path
  • I don’t need to explain, fix, adjust, control or manipulate anything, I can relax and just love

To stop waiting for something is so radical, it’s like breaking out of prison.

Who would you be without your story that you want that thing to happen, that person to call?

“Nobody can hurt me without my permission.”~ Mahatma Gandhi 

Today in that moment, that one where you wanted contact (maybe you want it right now) look around and find examples of how you can handle this moment, without that person or that phone call in it.

Find how you are not missing love….love is right there with you, it doesn’t have to come in the form of that person or that thing you want.

Find out how you are supported, how your own company is awesome.

“It’s not your job to like me—it’s mine.”~Byron Katie

Love, Grace

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They Might Reject Me

Close, connected, real, honest conversation is one of the most joyful or energizing experiences humans can have.

People speaking what they really think and feel, and asking questions of another, and saying what is hard to reveal or what’s actually going on in their lives can be life-shifting.

Really….one conversation can have such a powerful affect on someone, they may decide to change something big in their lives, or feel inspired to move in a direction only previously imagined.

This essence of genuine, vulnerable sharing has been something human beings do with each other perhaps since they first came into existence.

And humans also hold back what they are thinking, feeling, wondering. They hold back asking questions or bringing up hard topics.

For me, when I’ve had a difficult time saying something to someone that I really do want to say, or asking a question I’d really love to know the answer to….it’s usually got something to do with these beliefs:

  1. I could be rejected
  2. I could hurt the other person’s feelings
  3. If I hurt the other person’s feelings, they might leave or hate me—see #1.

Oh horrors! I might produce anger, disappointment, sadness, frustration or fear in that other person! They might produce the same inside of me!

I jest….but it feels like a gigantic risk when these big troubling feelings could happen and BECAUSE of these feelings, you could be rejected.

One of my favorite authors and wise-guys, Anthony DeMello, said that he discovered inside himself that he had this kind of relationship with God (whatever God was for him).

He wanted God’s love, attention, care…and thought there was a risk of losing these things.

But being the defiant and interesting Jesuit priest he was, he decided to talk with God and tell him that he didn’t need him. Even though this was the opposite approach he had grown up with and always been taught.

“If I need you to make me happy, I’ve got to use you, I’ve got to manipulate you, I’ve got to find ways and means of winning you. I cannot let you be free. I can only love people when I have emptied my life of people. When I die to the need for people, then I’m right in the desert. In the beginning it feels awful, it feels lonely, but if you can take it for a while, you’ll suddenly discover that it isn’t lonely at all. Is is solitude, it is aloneness, and the desert begins to flower.”~ Tony DeMello

So I question the belief “being rejected is terrible” first of all….and then the belief “I am being rejected”. I mean, I have to assume I’m being rejected first, and THEN that it’s a bad thing, a terrible thing, and something to avoid!

It’s terrible if someone doesn’t like me, rages at me, attacks me, is rude….it’s terrible if they become scared of me and run away, or feel ashamed because of some interaction with me, or vanish.

Is that true? Am I sure it’s terrible? Am I sure that they are indeed rejecting ME?

No. Their strong emotions may show that they are challenged by something that has nothing to do with me. They might be too freaked out to hear what I’m saying, they might be upset by something that has occurred in their past, they might feel defensive because they are uncertain and insecure.

How they are acting MEANS something bad…rejection, non-acceptance, abandonment, danger.

How about the Universe? If upsetting, difficult things happen in the world, surrounding me, does it mean I am bad, wrong, rejected, abandoned?

Is it true that I need God (or the Universe, if you prefer) to love me, and that I need to earn this love and make sure I’m not rejected? OR ELSE.

Pema Chodron speaks of this huge desire to be loved and not rejected. In Buddism, it is called “shenpa”.

“Somebody says a mean word to you and then something in you tightens – that’s the shenpa. Then it starts to spiral into low self-esteem, or blaming them, or anger at them, denigrating yourself. And maybe if you have strong addictions, you just go right for your addiction to cover over the bad feeling that arose when that person said that mean word to you. This is a mean word that gets you, hooks you. Another mean word may not affect you but we’re talking about where it touches that sore place – that’s a shenpa.” ~Pema Chodron

The freedom that can come forth by questioning the belief that you need acceptance, or that you’re not getting it, is astonishing.

Who would you be without the thought that you need anyone else’s love, including God’s love?

What if you already have all the love you need?

You may enjoy those beautiful, deep, authentic, loving conversations even more. The people who can really have them with you, in this moment in time, may appear with open arms.

If someone runs for the hills….it’s not personal. Love is everywhere. It is in them leaving, it is in their strong caustic-sounding words, it is alive and passionate in every moment.

Even this quiet one, with no one else in the room.

“If you realize that you have enough, you are truly rich. If you stay in the center and embrace death with your whole heart, you will endure forever.”~Tao Te Ching #33

Love, Grace

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Cure Jealousy: Have A Love Affair With Yourself

The other day a reader wrote to ask about how to deal with her jealousy of a close friend.

Funny, this experience of jealousy also came up with a client during an individual session this past week.

Jealousy is torturous to feel for the people who feel it. They’ll admit this openly, but oh that mind keeps fixating on the person out there who seems more perfect, fun, rich, beautiful, confident, athletic, lucky.

The greatest Shakespearean scenes are developed out of the Great Green Eyed Monster: JEALOUSY!

Green, the color of sickness, rot, mold, decay.

Jealousy is described as a most dreadful, terrible insecurity…it feels insane. It seems to drive people into vicious behavior, or taking action that is vengeful, not peaceful at all.

But who would we be without the story that other people shouldn’t do all the things we get jealous of in life?

What if everyone is being just as they are, so amazing, attractive, beautiful, successful….and it is fabulous that they are in our lives, being that way.

What is underneath this jealous feeling? For me, it’s “I am not enough“. Always.

Are you truly sure that you are not enough? Not enough for what? To keep your lover monogamous? Are you sure it’s got something to do with you?

What if you were absolutely 100% enough? What if you had enough, did enough, lived enough, accomplished enough? What if it is just right, the amount you are?

What if you can look at your situation and ask who you would be without the thought that you are not enough? Or that THEY are not enough?

The thing is, everyone already deeply knows that they themselves are the most fascinating, curious, fabulous person they’ve ever known!

Yes, you read that correctly.

But we’re not supposed to think of ourselves as sooooo wonderful! That would be egotistical! That would be narcissistic! Self-centered! Evil! Narrow-minded!

And yet, we KNOW we are the ones who are the most interesting of any people we’ve ever encountered. We ourselves are the only ones who have been here through everything we’ve ever been through. We’re the only ones we can truly depend on.

If you really sink into this self, this interesting entity that lives who you seem to embody…and you follow your curiosity about who you really are…you can sense a gratefulness for being alive, a core joy, an excitement about the mystery of ALL THIS…..

It’s unfathomable, amazing.

It doesn’t matter if other people come, go, stay, flirt, leave, achieve, or look different than YOU.

You don’t care, because you are the love of your life! No one else can do anything to change that!

“I have this amazing love affair with myself going on, because I realize what that Self is. There just cannot be another!” ~ Byron Katie

If this seems like a far stretch, and you are caught in the pain of jealousy or envy, or fear that you are not enough…then write down what is not enough about you, and inquire.

Too old, too saggy, too slow, too poor, too boring, too out of shape, too dull, too plain. Why are these bad things? Why would it be better to be young, firm, quick, rich, exciting, in shape, sharp, and gorgeous?

When you begin to see the crazy thinking, the absurdity, the way you’ve believed that you could miss out on something or not “get there”….when you turn your jealous thoughts around…

…you’ll be free!

Have an amazing love affair with yourself! I highly recommend it! It will be the best love affair you’ve ever ever had!

Love, Grace

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Furniture Assembly Wars

I’ve been living with my adorable husband for 4 years now, and known for five, but never had the opportunity to assembly a piece of IKEA furniture together.

If you haven’t put IKEA furniture together before….you’re in for an adventure in analysis, patience, deciphering code, and victory.

We put a wardrobe together for 5 hours….well, ALMOST put it together.

Was that worth the cost of the reduced fee for a sturdy pine wardrobe, I ask? And let’s define sturdy, by the way…

But I digress!

The most important thing I found very intriguing was my inner thought patterns that flowed out towards this person I know very well, my team mate on this project. Goal = get wardrobe built.

During that goal….oh look. Gosh, was that ME who was thinking such things?

  • I could do this by myself faster
  • Lining up the screws in perfectly spaced order is totally unnecessary
  • Don’t step there with your dirty shoe!
  • Did I say faster? That this should be going faster?
  • Who moved the hammer?
  • If I had more money, I would have paid for an already-built wardrobe
  • Why don’t you know how to do this kind of thing blind-folded?
  • Where is the FLAT HEAD screw driver?
  • Give me the directions!
  • What time is it…I thought this would be done faster

The whole thing was hysterically funny, really.

I was like a dog holding a bone and you would have to kill me to get it. I was not leaving that room until that thing was put together, come hell or high water.

At midnight, we turned in. With the doors not yet assembled.

AAARRRRGHGHGHGHG!

Heh heh, not that I would take a little furniture assembly seriously or anything.

The Work can be applied on any stressful situation.

Even if the stress is mild. Even if you have NO investment and it’s totally and completely 100% fine with you that things are going EXACTLY the way they are and it’s NO BIG DEAL, and who cares…it’s only a piece of furniture!

This should go faster. Is that true?

Can I absolutely know that everything would be BETTER if this thing went faster? Am I sure that this is not fun? And that HE should know how to put this together without even looking at the directions? Is it really annoying when someone else does it differently?

What are the advantages of doing this little mini project in life?

Who would I be without the thought that this task is irritating, time-consuming, or unimportant? Or that I can do it better alone?

What daily tasks do you find irritating or less-than-pleasurable? What’s the payoff in finding them unpleasant?

The thing is, even small teensy little incidents or tasks can be experienced joyfully or with attack.

Like driving in traffic, picking up groceries, going to the library, vacuuming, mowing the lawn, going to the gym.

These are the things we do most repeatedly in our lives, after all. What if they were not just ho-hum, and not irritating, but WONDERFUL?

The way I know out of the idea that something is unpleasant is to question it. The sooner the better.

No. It should not go faster. No, it should not go as I command. No, I do not know how to do this but I can follow directions and so can my companion. Everything is OK. In fact, this is quite magical. There are only pictures on the directions, but we are doing it without words. It’s a game. The hammer moves, the screw driver appears, someone explains what they just figured out, hands all operate together to lift, turn, create. 

It should go exactly the speed it is going. This wardrobe, this traffic, that appointment, that phone call, this day, that taxi ride, this road-service phone call, that ambulance, this test, that shopping trip….this life.

This experience should go exactly as it is going.

In fact, it’s beyond me to think about ordering moments, space, knowledge and time around. And wardrobes.

That’s the job of Something Else.

“Rushing into action, you fail. Trying to grasp things, you lose them. Forcing a project to completion, you ruin what was almost ripe. Therefore the Master takes action by letting things take their course. He remains as calm at the end as at the beginning. He has nothing, thus has nothing to lose.”~Tao Te Ching #64

Love, Grace

Learn About All Teleclasses Here 

  • A Year Of Inquiry For The Addictive Mind: Life Support For The Compulsive Thinker. June 2013 – May 2014, Tuesday teleclasses * 2 in-person retreats * Powerful Group work. Click here to read all about it.
  • Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Tuesday, March 26 – May 14, 2013, 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. 
  • Pain, Sickness and Death: Making Friends With The Worst That Happens In Life. Thursdays, March 7 – April 11, 2013. 5:15-6:45 pm. 6 weeks $295. 
  • Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven: Working With Painful Hate, Anger, Fury, Despair, Grief, or Disappointment With Someone You Know; Spouse, Mother, Sibling, Father, Daughter, Son, Boss, Neighbor, Friend. Fridays, March 29 – May 17, 2013 8:00 am – 9:30 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.  
  • Horrible Food Wonderful Food: Investigating the Love/Hate Relationship with Eating And Food. Tuesdays, June 11 – July 30, 2013 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. 
  • Our Wonderful Sexuality: A Safe Place For Inquiry on Painful Thoughts About Sexuality. Fridays, July 5 – August 23, 2013 Noon – 1:30 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.    

In Person workshops:

  •  Mini Retreat Seattle. Saturday, April 6, 2013, 1:30-5:30 pm. Goldilocks Cottage. $70 includes intensive, handouts, tea and snacks.
  •  Mini Retreat Seattle. Saturday, May 18, 2013, 1:30-5:30 pm  Goldilocks Cottage. $70 includes intensive, handouts, tea and snacks.
  • SIGN UP FOR BOTH SATURDAY MINI RETREATS FOR $125 – Click here to register for one or both mini-retreats:
  • One-Day Retreat: Question Your Thinking, Change Your Life. Saturday, June 15, 2013, Thunder Bay, Ontario, CANADA. $175 includes workshop, snacks, wonderful catered lunch. Please click HERE learn more and to register. 
  • Loving Your Body As Is Breitenbush Hot Springs Retreat. June 26-30, 2013. For all the information please click HERE.

If you like this article, forward it to friends, family or colleagues. To get on the list to receive these directly via email, go to www.workwithgrace.com and enter your email in the sidebar. Your email will not be sold or used for any other purpose than these Grace Notes articles and announcements. You can Unsubscribe at any time by clicking at the bottom of any newsletter.  

 
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Knock ‘Em Down Off Their Pedestals

Have you ever noticed how people you admire greatly often become more “human” as time goes by and you get to know them better?

This may not mean that you no longer admire them….but your appreciation has got a different flavor to it. The admiration isn’t unrealistic. The admiration isn’t worship.

It isn’t you in comparison to them, with them being “better” than you, even in the most subtle way.

When I’ve admired someone, I’m looking at a human quality that makes my heart sing. I’m seeing what I love in humanity. I see what’s possible, that I may not have been sure of before.

I admire teachers with integrity, and powerful speakers, and great athletes, and life-changing authors.

Throughout human history, there are great stories of people who admired someone, but then discovered a shocking quality, or a behavior, or something that this accomplished person did that is not admirable.

A beloved leader who turns out to be embezzling funds, or a brilliant scientist who turns out to be schizophrenic, or a best friend who was bitter, jealous and conniving, or a spiritual leader who is having relationships with students, or a sibling who was having an affair with his brother’s wife, or a psychologist who has disdain for her clients.

So disappointing, such betrayal, surprise, terrible grief.

But is it true that this person should have remained so perfect in our eyes? Should they have stayed up on a pedestal, with no flaws?

What could possibly be the advantage of eyes getting opened like that?

If it’s ever happened to you…you may know.

For me, I stopped clinging, wondering, feeling anxious, or being over there in that person’s business instead of my own.

It shook me into standing on my own, without an imaginary comparison of what I thought of as someone “better” than me or someone who could “help” me.

I no longer had someone supportive to lean on (that wasn’t myself). I no longer had wishy-washy opinions. I had to accept my own personal authority, not someone else’s.

These qualities are what I actually always admired in other people. And now, since there wasn’t anyone who was 100% perfect….I could see myself as alone, independent, capable, clear, loving, and laser-sharp.

I also knew who not to hang out with anymore.

Who would I be without the thought that its HORRIBLE when someone crashes and burns in my eyes, has faults, does something super alarming, turns out to be untrustworthy or a total farce?

I’d be me watching a storm happen, but not be in the middle of it. I’d be myself….free, with only mystery as my guide. No leader necessary. No teacher, no guru, no method.

I’d be filled with compassion for that other struggling person who has done that unconscionable thing.

I’d be open-minded, full of love….and saying goodbye.

“…take full responsibility for your life and never forfeit it over to someone else.” ~ Adyashanti

What are the advantages you’ve experienced to someone you admired getting blown off the rails, getting revealed, getting taken down a notch or two or three?

Write and tell me, I’d love to hear your examples below in the comments.

Love, Grace

P.S. If you’re pretty upset with someone in your life revealing their true colors…come to Seattle for a Saturday afternoon and we’ll do The Work 4/6 and 5/18. Free yourself!

Learn About All Teleclasses Here 

  • Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Tuesday, March 26 – May 14, 2013, 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. 
  • Pain, Sickness and Death: Making Friends With The Worst That Happens In Life. Thursdays, March 7 – April 11, 2013. 5:15-6:45 pm. 6 weeks $295. 
  • Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven: Working With Painful Hate, Anger, Fury, Despair, Grief, or Disappointment With Someone You Know; Spouse, Mother, Sibling, Father, Daughter, Son, Boss, Neighbor, Friend. Fridays, March 29 – May 17, 2013 8:00 am – 9:30 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.  
  • Horrible Food Wonderful Food: Investigating the Love/Hate Relationship with Eating And Food. Tuesdays, June 11 – July 30, 2013 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. 
  • Our Wonderful Sexuality: A Safe Place For Inquiry on Painful Thoughts About Sexuality. Fridays, July 5 – August 23, 2013 Noon – 1:30 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.    

In Person workshops:

  •  Mini Retreat Seattle. Saturday, April 6, 2013, 1:30-5:30 pm. Goldilocks Cottage. $70 includes intensive, handouts, tea and snacks.
  •  Mini Retreat Seattle. Saturday, May 18, 2013, 1:30-5:30 pm  Goldilocks Cottage. $70 includes intensive, handouts, tea and snacks.
  • SIGN UP FOR BOTH SATURDAY MINI RETREATS FOR $125
  • One-Day Retreat: Question Your Thinking, Change Your Life. Saturday, June 15, 2013, Thunder Bay, Ontario, CANADA. $175 includes workshop, snacks, wonderful catered lunch. Please click HERE learn more and to register. 
  • Loving Your Body As Is Breitenbush Hot Springs Retreat. June 26-30, 2013.For all the information please click HERE.

If you like this article, forward it to friends, family or colleagues. To get on the list to receive these directly via email, go to www.workwithgrace.com and enter your email in the sidebar. Your email will not be sold or used for any other purpose than these Grace Notes articles and announcements. You can Unsubscribe at any time by clicking at the bottom of any newsletter.  

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Being My Own Perfect Partner

One of the greatest all-time teachings for me, that booted me into maturity (but not before diving into being a total baby) was my divorce.

Ahhhh, the list of “shoulds” and “shouldn’ts” about relationships was magnificently long. I had a whole book, documented with evidence and case notes from other people’s situations and my own, about what long-term relationships are supposed to look like.

Since this one didn’t look like MY ideal, I thought it was a tragedy.

I also thought that SINCE I didn’t have a “good” relationship, and what I had was ending, I would be going down in terms of money, livelihood, having a home, supporting myself, and having connection, a best friend, and fun.

I believed that none of those things could now happen….now that my marriage appeared over. I was stunned.

I had no idea my sense of myself was so small. That I did not feel I could manage, or support myself, or succeed, or thrive, or take care of my children and my home.

Good thing that marriage ended, because I had to learn the fast and hard way (or maybe it was the quick and easy way, now that I think about it) how to truly love my own company and believe in myself, as someone who didn’t need outside support.

It was in the end, the gift of a lifetime.

If anyone could have given me the most precious, amazing, life-changing event that would require me to become fierce, strong and powerful….it would have been my marriage ending just the way it did.

Relationships are said to be, for many, the heart of where we learn about ourselves and grow up and awaken.

We can clearly see where we grovel for love, approval and appreciation. We can see where we are dependent, or untrustworthy, or fake, or ingratiating. We can see clearly how critical we are, or impatient.

If we use these experiences with someone else to open and learn….there’s no stopping us from growing in deep wisdom. The most important thing is to stay, be present with the strong feelings, and remain connected to ourselves, as imperfect as we are.

Back then, during my divorce, I realized for the first time how strongly I held the belief “I am worthy of being left, I am worthy of being abandoned”.

That’s why it was happening, obviously! Otherwise, it wouldn’t be happening.

But that is the twisty-turvy logic of the little mind that is very critical and doesn’t want to sit with FEAR.

Truly, the turnaround was truer for me. I was worthy of never being left and never being abandoned, because I myself am here, with me, through all of it.

There is something actually beyond this little bitty separate self, that has always been here, watching and observing. Always rooted in love and power. Like a mysterious current, an electromagnetic kind of force field. Presence, aliveness.

This powerful energy seems to know so deeply that all is very, very well, and that some little relationship change is nothing in the great scheme of things.

What-ever, it says. There is simply no problem.

In a couple of weeks on March 29, we’ll start the teleclass Turning Relationship Hell to Heaven on Fridays 8-9:30 am Pacific time. This certainly does not have to be a romantic or committed partnership…this can be dedicated time for The Work on your mother, father, sibling, co-worker, boss, neighbor, friend.

This work is about looking at the judgments and pain and suffering we feel most acutely, that seems to be coming from OVER THERE, from that other person’s actions, and understanding the meaning we create about ourselves. The meaning that hurts.

“Failure is an opportunity. If you blame someone else, there is no end to the blame. Therefore the Master fulfills her own obligations and corrects her own mistakes. She does what she needs to do and demands nothing of others.”~Tao Te Ching #79

I question my thinking about myself when someone does or says something surprising in my life. When I am scared, or sad, or angry, or disappointed and I think THEY need to change so that I can be happy, I KNOW there is no end to waiting, and to blame.

Now I am so grateful for the experience of something ending or changing with someone I know, its mind-blowing. That’s what it took for me to find out how powerful, strong and steady I am, how I am the perfect partner for myself.

Now, every relationship in my life is icing on the cake. Until it isn’t, and then I do The Work!

Love, Grace

P.S. The next Horrible Food Wonderful Food begins June 11th.