Category: Relationships

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Those Upsetting People Should Stop

Yesterday the current One Year group resumed our telecalls (we always meet three times per month).

We are in our third month together, and we change topics each month, for the whole year.

(By the way, this is so successful that a second one-year group will begin Thursday, Sept 13, 5:15 pm Pacific). Click here to read about it.

This month, we’re looking at Those People who…..ARGG….

….the ones who bug us, who are dangerous, who should change, often lumped in as a group to a “type” of person.

In the past I’ve noticed my mind judging whole cultures, countries, caricatures, neighborhoods.

Those Americans, those drunks, those starlets, those Nazis, those construction workers, those corporations, those rich people, those narcissists, those prejudiced people, those New Age Non-Dualists (tee hee, had to throw that one in)…

…you get the idea.

Then, as you consider that collection of human “types” and the energy around any one of them, situations come to mind where you personally were involved with someone from that group and you felt uncomfortable, or you heard about it.

I never met Anne Frank or any Nazi, for example, but the image of those terrible soldiers was in my mind vividly when I read Anne’s famous and incredible autobiography when I was 14.

From this vision, I answer all the questions on the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet. I think about the most stressful moment, the most annoying, difficult, bothersome piece, and write my judgments about that one situation.

Today it was so moving to hear of peoples’ anger, rage, fury, irritation, sadness or jealousy about Those Other People.

Teenagers with boom boxes, parents who don’t control their children, complainers, avoiders, arrogant people, even beautiful parents with easy lives, intolerant people, or just bad music.

We all laughed together as we exposed our judgments, fears, and our strong belief that “I need that person/people to STOP”.

Can I really know that my life would be better, easier, happier if that person quit doing what they did?

Am I sure that the noise should stop, the words, the behavior, the sound, the questions, the complaints….is it true that it needs to stop for me to be comfortable, content, or peaceful?

I notice when I believe that someone needs to be shut down, or I need to get something from someone, or even, I need to be more like those people….

….I don’t feel peaceful. I feel conflicted, confused, upset.

I might even feel like I HATE them.

Who would I be without the thought that I need them to stop it?

As we all sat with this question in group inquiry, feeling the sensations in the body without the thought that they should stop, looking at those people doing what they are doing, hearing the sound that was so objectionable….

…many people noticed the body becoming open, warm, full of energy, even full of acceptance, love, compassion for those people.

Turning the thought around we all burst into laughter as we found “I need those people to keep doing what they do, I don’t need them to stop, I need me to stop; I need me to stop ruminating, concentrating, focusing and being so at war with them, or even with ME.” 

What if I actually moved towards those people, rather than away from them?

What if I turned and faced them, rather than resisted them?

“Let go an open to your world. Realize that trying to protect your territory, trying to keep your territory enclosed and safe, is fraught with misery and suffering. It keeps you in a very small, dank, smelly, introverted world that gets more and more claustrophobic and more and more misery-producing as you get older.” ~ Pema Chodron

Living the turnaround for me doesn’t mean I have to move in with the Nazis, or enter arenas where I know not to go….

….but I might find something beautiful as I allow them to be as they are.

I might find gratitude for what is present, now.

“No one has to question their thoughts. It can be very difficult to get that still. But it’s even more difficult NOT to get that still, and answer these questions. It is the way out of hell. We’re not used to that. It can be very uncomfortable, just the idea of being happy.” ~ Byron Katie 

The next One Year Group starts on Thursdays, Sept 13, 5:15-6:45 pm. You can choose to enroll in the telecalls only, or add 4 solo sessions and/or the two in-person weekend retreats in Seattle (these will be so much fun, and powerful). We meet until August 2014.

I Like This Restaurant
“Doing the work over the years without training or knowing anybody actually doing the work, (I found people willing to talk about the work but none willing to put it on paper), I craved association with others actually doing the work. In taking this class and associating with you all is even more satisfying than I had anticipated. I so enjoy spending time with anybody willing to question their thoughts, willing to face the discomfort that comes with believing that thought and then move into joy. Very real, I like this restaurant and want to come back again & again.” S, Year Of Inquiry Group  

Come enjoy the intimate, caring experience of making a year of appointments with Self-Inquiry….a small group (limited to 14) to hear you and support your work, and the power of noticing what is Real and what is not.

Love, Grace

 

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The Goodness That Came From That Trouble

Relationships that are rocky, difficult, or troubling can last long after the actual relationship is over.

The memory of that worrisome person can bring up fresh feelings of confusion, analysis, heartache….all of the sudden maybe, when you’re walking to the store.

You may not have seen or talked with that person in five, ten, or twenty years….but BOOM, you’re thinking of them and you immediately feel puzzled, or unhappy.

Most of us have had at least a few painful relationships in our lives…the ones where connecting with that other person seemed (or still seems) to result in stress, sadness, anger, fear, dishonesty, angst.

Maybe there are very difficult memories of violence, sharp words, yelling, lying, addiction, or betrayal.

Sometimes there may be memories or images that are very positive, thrilling, or joyful with another person….and then sadness because that relationship no longer exists.

Any of these memories can appear to offer you pain, if you believe your thinking without questioning any of your stressful thoughts.

This week, a client I was facilitating was remembering her former marriage with longing.

Another client was remembering her former marriage with rage.

Both of these kind women said “I wish I had never met that man”.

Ouch.

Time to inquire.

“I would be better if I had never known that person”.

Is that true? Are you sure that if you had the option, you would delete and erase all memory and contact of that person…forever?

Are you sure that your life would be better NOW without having ever known that person, even the person who seemed to do great damage, the person who was scary or abusive?

Are you sure that your life would be better if you hadn’t had those wonderful, amazing, exciting times in the past (that seem to no longer exist NOW)?

Who would you be without the thought that you would truly be better off if you had never known them?

Wait.

You mean…it’s good that I had that relationship and then it ended? You mean Iwouldn’t be better off now without that person having been in my life?

But I couldn’t possibly admit that my life might actually be better BECAUSE I had that relationship, and that it lasted just the right amount of time, and that it went the way it did for good reasons.

Is that what you’re suggesting?

Because that relationship was TERRIBLE. It was fraught with darkness, criticism, worry, and deep pain.

Are you sure?

What if you turned that belief around and considered the opposite: I am better off now because I knew that person.

This isn’t about saying that the relationship didn’t hurt, wasn’t destructive, or wasn’t completely whacked.

But it is spending some time acknowledging what you received from that experience with that person, with compassion.

Could it be possible that you are better off now because of your contact with that human being?

Both people I worked with found genuine examples of how they were positively affected by the past relationship they remembered with fear or sadness.

I look at my own past relationships that seemed fraught with ups and down, obsessive thinking, or nervousness and worry…

….I can find how I am more relaxed now, more able to handle people with those traits, more able to love without needing anything from others.

Every relationship has been like going to School. The School of my life. The School of the way I think and see the world.

The stressful relationships have been the ones that have taught me the greatest lessons, in many ways.

They are the relationships that made me change course in my ship as it sailed across the ocean.

“The person who turns inner violence around, the person who finds peace inside and lives it, is the one who teaches what true peace is. We are waiting for just one teacher. You’re the one.” ~ Byron Katie

Your invitation in this life is to make peace with what is, with every person you’ve ever known and encountered.

Even those tough cookies.

It doesn’t mean you ever have to contact them, or see them, or live with them, or talk with them again.

“You do not become good by trying to be good, but by finding the goodness that is already within you, and allowing that goodness to emerge…..Acknowledging the good that you already have in your life is the foundation for all abundance.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

All you need to do is notice the advantages, the goodness in the NOW, because of having known those difficult people you’ve known. Then see what happens.

It’s not scary as you think.

Love, Grace

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Regretting The Past Hurts – Until You Question Your Thinking

A very painful human experience is the feeling of regret.

I know this because not only have I felt it myself, but also worked with so many people who felt very burdened by regret.

There is that situation I remember, and the present thoughts in the mind look like this:

  • I regret I didn’t spend more time with him/her
  • I regret that I said “yes”
  • I regret that I said “no”
  • I regret that my actions caused pain for other people
  • I regret that I stole, lied, hated, judged

The origin of the word “regret” partly comes from an old Norse word “grata” which means to groan.

Such a terrible feeling as I remember what happened that I silently groan with sorrow, wishing the outcome was better….replaying how it could have gone differently, full of lament.

And always, regret involves looking backwards, at memories, at the past.

It can be immensely powerful to look at what you regret in your life with a mind open to investigation of your painful situation…..rather than certainty that what you did was wrong.

When you recall a situation where you are sure you did something wrong, and you feel sick to your stomach, sorry, tainted for life, rotten, inadequate or deserving punishment….

….even in the middle of having the confusing, conflicted, desperate, despairing feelings….

….can you absolutely know that the way it went was truly 100% awful?

Can you know that you were wrong?

Yes, yes! I shouldn’t have done that. Everyone would agree.

A client I worked with was so upset with himself for being so angry with his father, for having the feeling of anger instead of love.

How do we react when we believe that we did it wrong?

I berate myself, I say I was stupid. I think about the other people involved or those who were distressed and either wish I had never met them, or wish they would go away forever. I criticize those people.

I criticize all of us.

When I believe that something, someone, did it wrong….then I feel anger, punishment, fear.

I say “I can’t believe I did that.”

Well who would I be without the thought that I did it wrong, or they did it wrong, or that the entire thing was wrong?

Without the thought that it went badly, that it was a disaster, that if only it went differently then it would have been much better?

I am immediately here in the present moment.

The memory I see of the past discretion, is only a picture in the mind. It came and went. It’s complete.

it’s over.

I feel excited about NOW.

“Nothing ever happened in the past that can prevent you from being present now; and if the past cannot prevent you from being present now, what power does it have?” ~ Eckhart Tolle 

Then I turn the thought around to the opposite: I did it right.

Really?

Naw. Not possible.

Hmmmm.

What if I stop being such a dictator towards myself, and I open up to the idea that I CAN believe I did that?

What if something about how it went was just right for that situation, that time and place?

What if I stop having such high, extreme, perfectionist, cutting expectations of myself…and I join the human race?

I did it right.

I take a deep breath, and begin to look how this may also be as true, or truer, than my original condemning thought that I did it wrong.

Yes, I did it right.

(It doesn’t mean I will ever do it that way again, which would be impossible anyway).

  • I spent exactly the right amount of time with him/her, I received all I needed, they received all they needed
  • I accept that I said “yes”, I see what I learned, I see what didn’t work and I made adjustments
  • I am content that I said “no”, I have infinite other options now
  • It was powerful that my actions caused pain for other people, and I notice that everyone is actually fine
  • When I stole, lied, hated, judged it showed me what I thought was real at the time, but wasn’t…it showed me how stuck I felt, how trapped

“Resist anything with regret, judgment or blame and you’re resisting your own full awakening, the embodiment of your realization of truth. Truth leaves nothing out, no one out, it includes everything and everyone, and every shitty thing that ever happened, and every shitty person you’ve ever known. Everything and everyone is serving your full awakening.  Deny this truth, and you are back in suffering.” ~ Adyashanti

Today, see if you can find an example of how it really is OK that you did that regretful thing, that it served your awakening in some way, that it taught you some piece of Truth for yourself.

See if you can feel how gentle it is that it’s OK that you are the human being who did that, that you were not perfect.

“…it could be that you’re believing something that you don’t believe. It could be that you’re trying very, very hard to believe what you don’t believe. You question what you’re trying to believe and give yourself a break. Cut yourself free and open up to life.” ~ Byron Katie

Love, Grace

P.S. If you notice many regretful or stressful thoughts about past relationships, then you may love joining the 8 week telecourse starting in September: Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven. A fabulous way to do the work with a small group. Question your thinking, change your relationships!

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I Must Try To Be A Good Person

One of the most interesting areas of investigation of my own behavior has been around understanding my beliefs of the way I think people “should” behave if we are all supposed to be civilized, nice, generous, kind human beings.

If we’re good people, we act like “this” (make a list). And if everyone acted like that, then things would go well.

We’ll say that someone is a really “good” person. But why?

We like them. We want to be around them. We’re inspired by them. They’re safe. They’re responsible. They’re genuine. They’re honest. They care!

It’s easy to see how people should NOT behave.

That’s a bad person over there, saying those rude words, doing that appalling thing, thinking their mean, nasty thoughts, expressing difficult feelings, and acting horrible.

We almost instantly know when there is someone who is not falling into the category of “normal” or “nice” or “acceptable” or “loving”.

They are not being good.

It seems there is an internal list of the RIGHT ways to behave, to speak, to be, to do, and to think.

When people are not acting “right” according to us, then this is of course an incredible place for self-inquiry, in opening to that person’s behavior, in understanding our objections.

But what about this urge to be perfect, good, appealing and attractive in the world….the opposite of bad?

From a very early age, I noticed a lot of stories and lessons about Good People and Bad People.

Good People who were all-good and non-threatening were sweet, unobtrusive, gentle, forgiving, helpful, supportive, easy-going and patient.

Then there were the Good People who raised some objections….not everyone thought of them as safe….they were pushing the boundaries, ruffling a few feathers…. like Jesus or Martin Luther King.

Those kinds of Good People challenged the accepted way to be. They were Good and also Powerful….I had such admiration! They were brave!

I can’t do that! Scary!

Then….there are those that cross the line. They behave badly. They become “bad” people.

The stories read to me were full of Good People and Bad People. The rules on how to tell if someone was good or bad formed early.

It seemed very important to be considered by others to be Good.

Even if I had judgmental thoughts, or noticed that I really didn’t like someone, or was very angry, or wanted to say “no”….I worked very hard to show an image of GOOD.

Being Good is MUCH BETTER than being Bad!

Better memorize the Good Features, so you know how to act, to think and to be!

I started to feel sick to my stomach with tension because I knew I wasn’t 100% Good.

It never occurred to me that nobody can be 100% Good, according to the “laws” I was learning, many of them delivered in fairy tales.

When being Good means that the person you’re interacting with needs to feel happy, safe, open and comfortable in your presence….oh boy.

The situation can be VERY stressful….and, unfortunately, hopeless.

Who would you be without the thought that you need to hold up an image of goodness? That you need to be kind and nice in your delivery?

Who would you be without the thought that you shouldn’t ever, ever offend anyone?

Who would you be without the thought that other people need to be encouraged by your loving behavior to be comfortable around you?

That people could go off and be critical, or violent, unless you’re Good?

Oh no! I have to care about other people and their comfort! I have to help them feel happy, relaxed, loved!

Some people are creepy or judge super easily….I have to worry about those people!

Don’t I?

What if you didn’t have that belief?

Who would you be without the thought that you need them to feel happy and loved and that you are the one to make that happen?

This was so strange, to even imagine how I would be and what it would be like, to not need to help other people feel comfortable, that it was like entering a foreign land at first.

If I really do not worry about what other people are feeling around me….then I do not have to be falsely encouraging.

I do not have to keep a Good Persona intact, I do not have to be nice, friendly, sweet and compliant, unless these ways of being are truly genuine and loving and real in that situation.

Who would you be without the thought that you need to make yourself act Good?

Maybe you’d relax.

Maybe you’d notice that you have a deep, loving kindness and patience that comes easily, beyond following any list. And sometimes not.

Sometimes, you get up and walk out of the party, the lecture, the movie, the date.

Without the thought that you need to act good, you might say “the emperor has no clothes” with innocence, without malice or rage, simply expressing what you see.

I notice for me, I say “no, thank you” without an explanation much more easily.

The turnaround: I do not need to try all the time to be a “good” person to others. 

I do not have to consider the list of what “Good” is and then follow it as best I can. I do not have to think about everyone else and how they feel when they are around me.

I do not even have to try to be a good person to myself.

I would find out what it’s like to live without having a more perfect, better image to live up to or try to achieve.

If I really unhitch myself from any beliefs about who I should or should not be in the presence of others, so that I am projecting a safe, good, loving “image”…

….then who knows what mysterious amazing person this is, this person who is me.

“When you truly love yourself, it’s not possible to project that other people don’t love you. I like to say, ‘When I walk into a room, I know that everyone in it loves me. I just don’t expect them to realize it yet.’ This gets a big laugh from audiences. People seem to be delighted at how easy it is to feel completely loved, and they see, if only for a moment, that it doesn’t depend on anyone outside.” ~ Byron Katie

Not expecting or looking for or wanting or dreaming of being perceived of as a Good Person by anyone out there…..ever?

Wow!

“Don’t be careful. You could hurt yourself.” ~ Byron Katie

Love, Grace

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Question Authority, Get A Kinder Reality

This month the One Year Group that began in June together to practice self-inquiry for a whole year began our second month’s module…on Authority.

Authority brings up all kinds of images and ideas for people….and the key here with self-inquiry is to look at what is stressful.

The immediate image that popped in my head when considering my latest mental forays with “authority” was the bumper sticker QUESTION AUTHORITY.

I saw it when I was a teenager in the 1970s.

There seemed to be something exciting about the idea of questioning authority (whatever it was) but also a little frightening.

The dictionary defines authority in several ways as having the power to do something: make a final decision, to enforce laws, exact obedience, judge or command other people.

Benjamin Franklin is famous for saying “It is the first responsibility of every citizen to question authority”.  

 So there was our Inquiry Group, ready to share their situations of objecting to those authority figures in their lives….OR…those people who might be pushing against our authority (like in parenting).

I love what came forward: bosses, fathers, doctors, government departments, teenagers, head-of-committees, volunteer managers.

 Those dastardly people who are making us do something! So bossy! Or neglectful! So sharp, humorless, critical, or non-communicative!

 Not long ago, I entered a facility where I was facilitating a dance class. I had rented the dance studio, and been there many times before at the exact same time on the exact same day.

There was a completely different person behind the front desk, with a frown on her face as we approached.

“Who are you? I do not have a record of your reservation. I cannot take responsibility for your being here. I will have to make some calls. I cannot take responsibility for this if I don’t know what’s going on. Please wait outside. I am responsible for the center this morning. You can have your dance group, but the door into the building will need to remain locked.”

Her hand went up in the STOP gesture.

She looked really nervous and my mind immediately went to these kinds of thoughts:

  • she is so dang uptight!
  • she should relax, we’re OBVIOUSLY not trying to fake-rent this place
  • she should STOP REPEATING herself
  • if she says that she is responsible one more time, I will scream
  • who put this nervous ninny in authority here?
  • this should not be happening
  • she’s making us wait, and keep the door locked??!! How will people attending our dance get in fer cryin’ out loud?!

It was like a sensation in my body of being totally against this other human rose within 5 seconds. Her manner somehow hit the right buttons, inside me.

Sigh.

It is strange….the urge to defend, hit back, blast through the irritant, and consider an encounter a pain-in-the-butt.

It is not peaceful.

The part of me watching all this, the Observer who actually is entirely able to see and hear with non-freaked-out eyes and ears, said…in its usual, calm way “careful there… temper… temper.”

There were other people there with me, including my incredibly calm husband, and he began to interact with her.

I hung back, watching and nervous. It was bizarre how strong the energy was inside my body to say…um, er, I mean SCREAM…“Are you kidding me??!!”

I zipped it, took a deep breath, and allowed the other more friendly people around me to handle the “authority” figure in this situation.

Later, on the dance floor, as I moved and danced to fantastic music that seemed to fit my mood, I noticed the questioning mind, the observer, began to have a little more say about the situation.

Who would I be without the thought that she was wrong, she had made us wait, she was controlling us, or that she should have stopped talking and unlocked the door?

Even now, who am I without the thought that she was trying to manage, force, push, or hinder us in some way?

I saw her face in my mind, so worried, trying very hard to make sure all was well.

By the end of the dance, as I had looked, I realized this was a situation that was perfect for inquiry.

Even though my sensation of irritation had shifted, I hadn’t actually written anything down or worked through the concepts slowly, looking as I went at all my assumptions.

I definitely wasn’t bothered anymore, because all had gone well (I got what I wanted) and after fifteen minutes of waiting…she had opened the door and we had run our dance in the beautiful studio, just like always.

So even though I was much less upset…I wrote. I noticed that I still believed she shouldn’t have been so FREAKED OUT!

“Who would I be without the thought that the woman behind the desk had been too uptight, scared, freaked out, nervous?”

What if she was just right, the way she was? What if it made sense that she was so concerned? What if she was really caring for this facility, taking her job very seriously? What if having a little humor wasn’t accessible to her, because she was too afraid? What if she doesn’t like surprises?

Oh. That’s how I am….I sometimes don’t like big surprises. Actually, come to think of it…that’s how I was myself, right in that same situation!

Who was so uptight in that situation?

That would be ME.

If I think she shouldn’t be nervous, maybe I could try doing what I’m telling her to do! Ha!

  • I am so dang uptight! About that woman! And about the “emergency” of potentially not having a studio and having to cancel dance.
  • I should relax, I know we have rented this place but she doesn’t
  • I should stop repeating myself, saying internally how this shouldn’t be happening
  • if I tell myself that I am responsible (to all the people who are coming to dance)…
  • who put this nervous ninny in authority here? The nervous ninny being MOI.
  • this should be happening, because it is, and actually…its fine
  • she barely made us wait, and even though the door was locked, we were allowed to let people in, and the dance played on

“If you meet a person who’s rude to you, for example, your thoughts automatically are, ‘You shouldn’t behave like that!’ But of course, these thoughts conflict with reality, because the person is behaving like that.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

I know that when I argue with what is happening, when I am against it, then I lose the battle.

For me, in this situation, it was wonderful to question authority…to soften, relax, trust the way things unfolded, notice that was very smooth.

Perhaps even if that woman had bolted the doors, shut us out, and we were not able to have dance that morning…that still would have been most interesting, and just what the doctor ordered for greater clarity, ease, and happiness.

Actually, we had been meaning to take a look at other rental venues, less expensive ones, with better sound systems.

Funny how that works…

“Reality is always kinder than the story we tell about it.” ~ Byron Katie

Love,  Grace

P.S. To comment on this post, click HERE. I love responding!

P.P.S. The second group of Inquirers in a One Year Program will start together on Thursdays, September 5, 2013 5:15-6:45 pm. For all the wonderful information about the One Year Program, click HERE.

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Question Your Love Story, Discover Stillness

I was having a gentle walk last weekend in the sunny afternoon, green summer leaves swishing above, when I passed an outdoor cafe and suddenly a huge rush of adrenaline zapped through me, like a lazer beam of energy aimed for the heart.

I thought I saw an old boyfriend, sitting in a chair, facing away from me. The hair was almost exactly the same. I had to stare as I walked by, checking to see “is that him?”

Now why the heck did that produce a shot of adrenaline like I saw a house explode into fire all of the sudden?

I mean really, I thought (as I felt my facing heart slowing down).

Isn’t this a bit dramatic of a reaction?

But sometimes… BAM…there is a cascade of beliefs all at once, all stuck to each other like velcro, that show up and it only takes the mind 2 seconds to compute and execute.

RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!

Oh. Not him. Wow, that really looked like him. (Turn back and check again). No, definitely not him. What would he be doing up here? But it’s not him. So that wouldn’t happen. Not him.

And then the next ten minutes were spent remembering, seeing images zip through the mind.

It’s like the Mind is dressed up in a business suit, with a huge deck of cards. On each card is a moving picture (idea stolen from Harry Potter stories) with moments from MY LIFE.

This corporate-looking business man (the mind thinks of itself with such importance doesn’t it?) is throwing down one card after the next after the next, saying “here, remember THAT moment? what about this one? oooh, that was a particularly gruelling moment, oh and that one was pretty good, and this one was absolutely horrendous, oh, and when he said that…”

All with that person!

Who wasn’t even actually here.

Talk about stories. JEEZ!

Now, before inquiry, I would have made a lot of effort to forget about that guy. Or say something under my breath like “wanka!”

And I might feel slightly anxious off and on for the rest of the day, or look over my shoulder sometimes.

Maybe I’d even think about doing something comforting, like eating ice cream or drinking a beer (as if those worked).

The thing that’s wonderful about self-inquiry is maybe escapist thoughts still pass through my mind, but they don’t feel very serious.

The more interesting thoughts are the ones that created the fear energy through the system. I love finding out what those are, writing them down, using this as an educational, adventurous moment.

Let’s see, if I really let it rip, childish, petty, judgmental, honest….this is what my thinking looked like, slowed way down into a list:

  • he hates me
  • he wants to hurt me
  • he was hurt by ME
  • he didn’t understand me
  • he thought I was mean, judgmental, critical and closed
  • he was lying, selfish, weak, rude
  • connecting him was not, is not, and will not be safe

I had to chuckle when I asked myself “what’s the worst that could happen?”

I had the image of this old boyfriend jumping up and screaming and running after me down the street yelling “you witch! get away from me! you ruined my life!”

Did I mention that the mind can be a real Drama Queen?

So if that DID happen….would it really be unmanageable, horrible, unsafe?

Am I SURE he wants to hurt me, he was hurt by me, he hates me, and he thinks of me as a terrible person?

No. Not at all.

I turn these thoughts around and find my own very stressful thoughts….about ME…are the ones that really hurt.

  • I hated myself (in the way I was with him)—true, I was dishonest, nervous, and always worried about his feelings and not mine
  • I wanted to hurt him, I wanted to hurt myself—both true, I felt defensive, I attacked, I was always looking at the world like it wasn’t good enough, and neither was I
  • he was healed by me, I was healed by him—could be just as possible, there was a lot of love expressed between us
  • he did understand me, I didn’t understand myself—both true
  • I thought of myself as mean, judgmental, critical and closed—that’s for sure! And yes, he also thought of me as kind, accepting, discerning and open
  • I was totally lying, selfish, weak and rude—um, yeah, that was true. And, he told the truth, was generous, strong and nice.
  • connecting with him was completely safe, is currently safe (in this moment of thinking about him even) and will always be safe in the future—yes, true.

I realize there is nothing dangerous in the memories, the feelings that welled up, the images that passed through my mind, the story.

It’s just a story.

“Hurt feelings or discomfort of any kind cannot be cause by another person. No one outside me can hurt me. That’s not a possibility. It’s only when I believe a stressful thought that I get hurt. And I’m the one who’s hurting me by believing what I think. This is very good news, because it means that I don’t have to get someone else to stop hurting me. I’m the one who can stop hurting me. It’s within my power.” ~ Byron Katie 

Later, after inquiring and looking and wondering….I notice I feel much calmer, more neutral when I think of that man.

I think of him as a character in a great and profound epic story…he actually had a pretty dang short part, truth be told. But an important one.

“For love to flourish, the light of your presence needs to be strong enough so that you no longer get taken over by the thinker or the pain-body and mistake them for who you are. To know yourself as the Being underneath the thinker, the stillness underneath the mental noise, the love and joy underneath the pain, is freedom, salvation, enlightenment.” ~ Eckhart Tolle 

Love flourishes with every moment, whether another human is here, or not here, or memories are present, or not present, whether I am “with” a person or not “with” a person….all shining under the story.

Who would you be without your former love story?

Love, Grace

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That Untrustworthy Person Healed Me

This week one of the wonderful inquirers I got to work with had a problem: an untrustworthy person in her life. 

That person seemed to be tricky. The identified party, the one who couldn’t be trusted, could apparently make the wrong move at any moment.

He withheld information, he had lied to other people, he had suspicious activity going on his cell phone…..texts and various conversations. Maybe ulterior motives. Something untoward.

All kinds of images came to the inquirer’s mind when she thought about this man.

She was deep into the thought that this person needed to change their behavior, become trustworthy.

And even if this happened and there was a big shift in what appeared to be sneaky moves…she wouldn’t relax until this man (a former employee) demonstrated “normal” or easy-going behavior. Not until there was a long space of time when he “proved” he wouldn’t do or say anything threatening.

This inquirer found a lot of stress present when she thought about this man. It was a pretty nervous way to be. Sort of waiting for a shoe to drop. Watching like a hawk, ready for the error, the mistake, the surprise back-stab.

This state of mind is what horror movies are made for! Anticipation! WHAT-IF….(!)

Often, this stressful state of anxiety in the mind only comes after something uncomfortable happened in the past…and the mind will come up with all kinds of ways to make sure it never happens again.

That painful situation must be prevented.

I could get hurt.

One of the most interesting ways to investigate the pain when someone in the present could potentially cause trouble….is to go back to the original situation where something difficult happened, something that was threatening, sad, shocking, scary.

Imagine that original terrible moment with full force, like you’re in a 3D movie, replaying the “worst” three minutes of the event.

In the inquiry process this week, this woman who was feeling scared and angry about her former employee’s presence called up the scene of the “crime” in the past.

I remembered my own past scene, a fearful memory where I was reading a letter, and discovered that someone I loved very much had been involved in activities I had no idea of, until that moment of reading the letter…and the activities appeared to involve quite a substantial and strange betrayal, involving me.

I had done The Work and questioned my thoughts about this moment already in the past, in fact several worksheets over time.

But I got to revisit the situation again, as I facilitated this wonderful inquirer on her own situation.

A core underlying belief that rose to the surface:

“I was very hurt….and I could get hurt again.”

Is that true?

YES! It was AWFUL when that happened! I NEVER want to go through that again! It was sooooo terrifying!

I lost a friend, I lost my innocence, I lost trust, it made me nauseated, I couldn’t sleep. That person was in danger, I was in danger, it was sick.

The inquirer found that when she believed this thought, she felt practically the same stress level as in the original situation. She had images flash through her mind of the events, the person doing and saying what they said. Her whole body reacted with panic, then anger.

A big stressful traumatic situation can be difficult to see without the thought that you were hurt, and you could get hurt again.

Without believing that you were hurt? How could that be? It seems like I was HURT!

One of my favorite ways of entering this question is to imagine if the entire scene was on pause, and I could walk around the scene looking at it from every angle, looking at the faces of everyone involved.

Or imagining myself to be dropped into that terrible scene from another planet, where they don’t believe in reviewing over and over again how hurt you were, or that you WERE hurt permanently.

Who would you be if you didn’t think that thought? If you didn’t believe what you’re believing? if you couldn’t think that you were hurt and that you could get hurt again?

This is NOT about pretending that you were not physically hurt or that something very critical and serious happened. It is not denial. The event happened.

But are you sure it could be repeated, in a similar way? Are you sure you were so hurt that you are not capable of having joy, love and kindness in your own life?

Are you sure you are not safe?

Who would I be in this moment, right now, without the thought that I couldn’t take that terrible scene ever happening again, that I couldn’t handle it, that I must brace against it ever repeating itself? Who would I be without the idea that this person means TROUBLE?

I’d notice that I am very safe and supported right now.

I am sitting on a chair, which is being supported by a floor, which is being supported by walls and a foundation, which is being supported by the earth.

Without the thought, I notice that I healed. I only lost two nights of sleep. I learned a HUMONGOUS TON from that experience. I see my own part, the times I didn’t say “no”, the insecurity I felt, the judgments I had towards that person before the difficult situation ever even happened.

Without the thought that I was permanently hurt and must make sure it doesn’t happen again, I start to remember what incredible things came out of that experience.

The inquirer working with me could see how her past difficult event led to her getting management training, and learning about legal matters with restraining orders, and noticing how powerful she was and what a great leader, and that she was open to the world with detachment and appreciation.

As the inquirer did The Work, she moved naturally into the turnaround: I was not hurt, I was healed….and I could heal again.

In that situation she could see how she evolved into a new, more powerful version of herself.

It may even have been one of the most important experiences, she confessed, to move her into a new way of being, bringing out her courage and confidence.

I was reminded through the inquiry that nothing is 100% disaster. Something comes out of everything that speaks of love.

“If you don’t realize the source, you stumble in confusion and sorrow. When you realize where you come from, you naturally become tolerant, disinterested, amused, kindhearted as a grandmother, dignified as a king. Immersed in the wonder of the Tao, you can deal with whatever life brings you, and when death comes, you are ready.” ~ Tao Te Ching #16 

Love, Grace

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I Need To Look Good

Yesterday in our One Year of Inquiry Telegroup everyone looked at the stressful belief “I Need To Look Good.” 

As I sat with these thoughtful inquirers, all investigating situations in which needing to look good might bring about stressful feelings, I was suddenly stunned by how far this thought reaches…touching on so many relationships and experiences.

When needing to look good is stressful, it can be excruciating and paralyzing, or provoke just a wee bit of anxiety.

But in any case, NOT looking good is dangerous. That’s the belief, that’s what the mind is shouting.

Look Good! Do The Right Thing! There Are People Watching! Careful!!

I could see places in which I felt it crucial that others perceive me well. And it had never occurred to me that maybe it was not important at all.

My dictator mind will formulate the need to look good like this:

  • I need the students to see me as capable, personable, and intuitive….if they don’t, there will be chaos, they will complain, they’ll think I’m worthless, they will replace me
  • I need the children to see me as a wise, loving, and strong leader…if they don’t, they will be lost, frightened, insecure and dislike being with me
  • I need that organization to see me as supportive, vital and creative…if they don’t they will fire me, they will dismiss me, they will ignore me
  • I need that man to see me as kind, intelligent and attractive….if he doesn’t, he’ll get interested in a different woman, he’ll leave, he’ll abandon me
  • I need that woman to see me as honest, full of integrity, accepting…if she doesn’t, she will disgrace me, criticize me, betray me
  • I need those friends to see me as real, caring, and fun….if they don’t, they will forget about me, give up on me, think of me as unimportant
  • I need the world to think well of me, to think I’m worthy, spiritual, safe, attentive….if they don’t bad things will happen: rejection, abandonment, attack, hurt, separation, loneliness.

It is amazing how deeply we can go into Other Peoples’ Business. In other words, as Byron Katie puts it, we become very concerned with what other people are thinking of us.

Amazing to sit with this incredible, fourth question of The Work: Who would you be without the thought, that you need to look good?

Without the thought that I need to look good, that I need to clean up my presentation, that I need to be great on stage, that I need to be thought of as kind but firm, that I need to be clear, powerful, graceful, creative, secure, wise, loving, special, pretty, fascinating….

….Wow. It is so unusual to consider not having this thought and what that would be like, it’s almost unimaginable.

Not care at all what I looked like? Not care at all what other people thought? Ever? Not believing that there is anything to risk? No worry about appearing BAD?

That is freedom beyond belief. Totally and completely untethered. Empty and mysterious.

It stops time.

Sitting without this thought goes far beyond where I thought it would go.

Suddenly, I became aware of how, without believing I have to look “good” (whatever I am thinking good is) then there is no future…because there is no planning for what could happen and how to prevent it, no stressful concern for how I’m being perceived.

The entire body relaxes. Open to whatever comes.

All I have to attend to is all the reality around me, this thing apparently called me, this energy that is unbounded and actually doesn’t even need to be a “me” and yet seems to be here, pulsing with life.

The turnaround comes alive…”I do not need to look good to others”.

Not only do I not need this, as I notice the love that is present in the core of myself looking outward, I even realize that all in this instant, I actually need to look bad (if I do). 

Those moments of looking bad to someone else, to a group, to others….as someone said this morning in our telegroup out loud….”didn’t every single one of those times I was perceived as looking bad teach me something incredible?”

“In many ways we were drugged when we were young. We were brought up to need people. For what? For acceptance, approval, appreciation, applause—for what they called success…..An attachment is a belief that without something you are not going to be happy. ‘How could I be happy unless I have good health?’ you say. But I’ll tell you something. I have met people dying of cancer who were happy.” ~ Anthony De Mello

You may think the thought, “How will I ever be happy, or be motivated to do a good job, or be successful…unless I believe I need to look good? I’ll go around looking bad right and left, and fail, say stupid things, lose, be disliked…”

Are you sure that is true?

I notice how beautiful the world looks, how safe and intriguing and full of wonder…amazed at the next minute, and the next, without the thought that I have to look like anything.

Without the thought that it is TERRIBLE if someone thinks of me as worthless, incapable, weak, hateful, a poor leader, uncaring, boring, dishonest, stupid, ugly, unsupportive….it is not a brushed off I-Don’t-Care defiant freedom….it is a deep, open, expansive freedom, full of all the feelings, full of joy.

Everyone allowed to think whatever they think, without me getting involved.

“Don’t look for it outside yourself. You are the source of milk. Don’t milk others! There is a milk fountain inside you. Don’t walk around with an empty bucket. You have a channel into the ocean, and yet you ask for water from a little pool. Beg for that love expansion. Meditate only on THAT. The Qur’an says, And He is with you.” ~ Rumi

How would you live your life today, driving your car, walking down the street, at the gym, buying groceries, going to work….without the thought that you ever needed to be better, look good, or generate positive feelings in anyone else at any point in time so far in your life, including now?

Love, Grace

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The Kindness In Not Being Understood

Last week in the One Year of Inquiry group, we looked at the belief “that person should understand me.”

As happens sometimes, I then found myself working with several different people during the week who had this belief, for years, at such a deep, penetrating level that the very thought of letting go of it induced anger and frustration.

That person really should have understood! They should have taken the time to hear me out. They should have understood that I was afraid, sad, distressed, in need.

They should have been compassionate, attendant, forgiving, curious.

The mind can bump up against this belief like a brick wall.

How could it be possible that I would be fabulously OK with that person never, ever, ever understanding me…with that person not caring, listening, opening to me, with that person not even TRYING to understand me?

Without this thought, I would be lost in the void, totally alone, no desire to connect, hopeless, depressed.

I need this thought so that I keep on trying to connect. I need this thought so that I keep on trying to figure out how it went wrong, what went wrong, and how to prevent it from happening again with someone else.

Feeling the grief or depression or hopelessness of not being understood is worse than at least having the hope that they COULD understand, that I can assert myself, I can explain myself better, that I can defend myself, that I have SOME kind of power here.

The fear of being in that hopeless place, where I am not believing the thought that this person should understand me, and they still do not understand and probably will NEVER understand, seems terrible.

Yet, can I absolutely know that it is TRUE that they should understand me? What is happening in reality?

They do not understand.

Is there any inkling of possibility, no matter how small, that this person should not understand, cannot understand, will not understand, and must not understand….for your benefit?

Could there be any advantage, at all, no matter how small and seemingly low an advantage, to their lack of understanding?

I did this work, and then repeated it on the same person several times.

Every time, I had new insight and awareness of the advantages of that person not understanding me.

  • I don’t have to listen to really long explanations of that person’s family life anymore–she decided I did not understand, so she takes these stories elsewhere
  • I won’t be invited to a conference I didn’t want to attend anyway, next year
  • I can talk about meditation with others who like it more
  • I don’t need to worry about my social inadequacies or low income (by comparison)
  • she offered me an awesome feeling of my own trustworthiness, integrity, and patience
  • I won’t find myself in over-priced bars for meeting venues

I realize that after the “misunderstanding” I felt more confident, more free, clearer about my profession and more relaxed in some areas than ever before.

I discover, I actually am open to not knowing all the benefits for me, personally, around this person not understanding me….but trusting that the way it went was a good thing.

When I am believing it’s a terrible, upsetting thing that she or he did not understand me…then I expend TONS of energy fighting for understanding. I talk, plead, explain, justify. I am not silent. I ruminate on the whole relationship and where the misunderstanding occurred over and over again.

When I do not believe that anyone should understand me, my mind is quiet. It has no project. I am in the present moment. I feel rooted, peaceful.

“I questioned my thoughts and my world changed, it put me in a kind universe…and that’s how I decided that the universe is kind. I kept coming back to that kind universe and all of the proof. I couldn’t prove the unkind universe, that’s what keeps mind busy, proving the universe is unkind, that’s the mind’s job; to show us the universe is unkind, but when we begin to question that then all the real evidence is; the world is kind and I invite people to test it.”~ Byron Katie

 

Perhaps just the right amount of understanding or lack of understanding is happening, at just the right moment, in just the right way…for awareness to blossom, for the mind to end it’s struggle…for my own enlightenment.

“Without opening your door, you can open your heart to the world. Without looking out your window, you can see the essence of the Tao. The more you know, the less you understand. The Master arrives without leaving, sees the light without looking, achieves without doing a thing.” ~ Tao Te Ching #47

Let yourself not know why that relationship went the way it did.

You may feel your heart open to the whole world, with them in it.

Love, Grace

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When You Make Demands You Suffer

I once worked years ago with a woman on a project whose voice really bothered me.

I would hear her speaking to another person, or addressing a meeting where I was present, or talking on her phone, and inside feel like the sound of her voice was like fingers on a chalk board.

Such a squeaky, false, high-pitched, minnie-mouse, fake-syrup voice! Arggh! How can anyone STAND IT! I’m gonna kill myself if I have to listen one more second!

Quite recently, I met someone who had the very same kind of voice. I had a little jolt inside..”oh no, not THAT kind of voice”.

I had to laugh.

Even in that small, tiny moment, encountering someone I might never speak to again, I wanted to NOT hear what I was hearing.

I was against that sound.

That constriction inside the mind or gut that says “no” offers a most amazing opportunity for awareness.

This is what questioning your thinking is all about, really.

Questioning what hurts, what feels uncomfortable, annoying, smelly, disturbing, and IRRITATING AS HELL….and finding out what is going on, what you really think is bad about that thing.

So having the reminder of the woman’s voice from long ago, I went back in time and asked myself what did I believe was wrong with that voice?

  • she’s trying to over-compliment people for personal gain
  • she’s pretending enthusiasm, happiness, cuteness
  • she complains a lot, so she is needy for attention
  • she could burn me, betray me or others
  • something about her is not genuine, she’s a fake!

I realized once I got into it, that I was believing a whole humongous amount of beliefs that I had absolutely NO idea if they were true.

And what was the danger of her being a fake, or pretending, or winning peoples’ favor?

She might hurt me, when I didn’t expect it.

I was scared about getting stabbed in the back. It had happened before. With someone who looked all sweet and kind, complimentary and inviting on the outside.

Ouch. I suddenly realized that I thought people shouldn’t lie, and people shouldn’t surprise other people (er, that would be ME) with anger, or pain or jealousy or opinions.

Even though I had a small level of stress about a VOICE and what the tone was like….there was a demand present, as there always is when I say “should” or “shouldn’t”.

“I demand you be different than you are.” 

This can be just a little bit different, or a LOT different. Doesn’t matter.

So was it really, really true that this woman should be different than she was being? Should her voice really change, so that I could be happier (and trust her more)?

Should she, or anyone else, never do that thing that I call getting surprised, hurt, accused, criticized, snubbed, attacked, pushed away?

No. I can’t know that it’s true.

Am I sure that I was hurt? Am I positive those people who do something surprising should be different than they are, for my sake?

You might say “yes, yes, yes”! You might feel wretchedly hurt by someone. You might have the scars to prove it.

Keep going with your inquiry anyway.

Notice how you react when you believe the thought “that person should be different” whether in the past or the present, or in the future.

It sucks. It’s so painful. You can’t stop thinking about them and wondering what you did wrong and perhaps becoming furious all over again, or very sad.

Who would you be without the thought that they should be different? Ever?

It’s an amazing question.

“…when someone criticizes you, blames you, or calls you names, instead of immediately retaliating or defending yourself—do nothing. Allow the self-image to remain diminished and become alert to what that feels like deep inside you. For a few seconds, it may feel uncomfortable, as if you had shrunk in size. Then you may sense an inner spaciousness that feels intensely alive. You haven’t been diminished at all. In fact, you’ve expanded.” ~Eckhart Tolle

What if that person is supposed to be exactly as they are, or were, in that very moment? This does not mean that what they did was right, or wonderful.

It just means that it’s not about you. They are living their life, being themselves with all their experiences and their beliefs and ways of thinking, and it’s not in your control to have them change.

What is in your control is stepping out of the way, and relaxing, and taking care of yourself, and noticing what’s actually true.

Not demanding that they change so you can feel happier, at peace, or calm.

“The Work reveals that what you think shouldn’t have happened should have happened. It should happened because it did, and no thinking in the world can change it. This doesn’t mean that you condone it or approve of it. It just means that you can see things without resistance and without the confusion of your inner struggle. No one wants their children to get sick, no one wants to be in a car accident; but when these things happen, how can it be helpful to mentally argue with them? We know better than to do that, yet we do it, because we don’t know how to stop.” ~ Byron Katie

The turnarounds for me: I should not be how I am, especially when it comes to how I think about that person’s plastic voice!

I should not be so nervous, worried about being “tricked” again, worried about being lied to or accused falsely.

I myself have been over-complimentary, inauthentic, and a fake, by hiding my true feelings!

I myself have pretended I was happy, when I wasn’t!

That person should be exactly as they are! 

Her voice helps me let go, reminds me to relax, to not take things so seriously, that I do not really have a handle on what is or is not true, or dangerous, or in my control in this situation.

I also notice that any time I’ve ever been criticized, or accused, or pushed away, I have been absolutely OK.

In fact, I must admit, I have come out better in the end every timethan before I got surprised, or tricked, or confronted, or attacked or called names.

“Failure is an opportunity. If you blame someone else, there is no end to the blame. Therefore the Master fulfills her own obligations and corrects her own mistakes. She does what she need to do and demands nothing of others.” ~ Tao Te Ching #79 

Much Love, Grace