Category: Relationships

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The Problem With Being A Good Person

The feelings of guilt and shame are dark and disabling for many people.

I shouldn’t have done that, if only I had seen it coming, I wish I would have been more aware at the time, I didn’t pay attention to the clues, that person was too much for me, I handled that so poorly, I must have done something wrong, I made a mistake, I tried to help but it didn’t work, I guess I’m not good enough…

It’s a sick feeling in the stomach. Or for some people, pure terror coursing through the body.

At least that’s what I’ve discovered so far, when I’ve felt guilty…

…it’s a sense that I want to “fix” it, become re-connected with someone, know that all is well and everyone feels happy.

Even if there is nothing to actually FIX.

“Guilt. Punishing yourself before God doesn’t.” ~ Alan Cohen

Several years ago I was a part of a project where a woman made a speech at a meeting about all the sneaky, lying people who smoked cigarettes but said they were non-smokers.

It was so weird…I was walking after the meeting and thought I saw her on the street, and suddenly panicked and felt like she was boring her eyes into me to find that secret cigarette behind my back, even though I hadn’t smoked in 25 years.

The definition of guilt in the dictionary means criminal, morally delinquent, wicked, charged, responsible for. 

Have you ever felt like it was your fault that someone got upset? That someone is suffering, and you had something to do with it?

“I have never smuggled anything in my life. Why, then, do I feel an uneasy sense of guilt on approaching a customs barrier?” ~ John Steinbeck 

Troubling beliefs producing guilt are tricky, and a really, really, really good ones to question.

I need to do everything I possibly can to help that suffering person, fix it, make amends, bring peace, make up for it, ease the pain. I need to prove that I am one of the GOOD people.

When I was in a very vulnerable period of life transition (divorce) I befriended two different people who every time I got together with them, afterwards I’d feel lousy.

I did The Work many times on both. They were incredible teachers.

They were also both suffering deeply. One with mental illness, one with having an affair and questioning their marriage.

I was such a good listener. I was THERE for them. I found them fascinating, really. Brilliant people, a little crazy, exciting. We laughed hard.

But I realized there was one person I was not actually listening to well at all, one person I was disrespecting and ignoring.

Me.

Only a couple of years ago, I did it again very briefly: I played the role of the good, kind, easy-going, all-accepting human….to a raving alcoholic addict.

In all of these relationships, I’d feel very uneasy, like I couldn’t speak up, or have a truly vulnerable, direct conversation.

These people all had secrets.

I’d also feel pumped up with pride at my amazing people-skills….the kind of people-skills that make Someone Else, NOT ME, feel good when they are around me, when they are in my presence.

Isn’t that what good, kind, loving people do? Don’t they help others feel better, ease the pain of the world, offer safe-haven? Aren’t they positive lights for everyone they encounter?

Let’s question this one.

I need to be positive, help, support, fix, ease the pain, offer love, bring happiness…and this means not speaking up, not saying I don’t support what they’re doing.

Is that true?

Yes, I grew up with the Sound of Music, Jesus, angels and church and learning not to be “selfish”.

Of course that’s my goal, of course I need to be kind, helpful, supportive, loving!

When I’m not, I feel guilty and I need get to work on it immediately and get an attitude adjustment!

But can you absolutely know that its true?

Do you really need or even want to be helpful, positive, supportive, fix problems, ease the pain, offer love, and bring happiness to those around you…and are you sure it looks the way you think it looks? 

Are you sure you have to WORK at this, do the “right thing”? Are you sure you’re not OK all by yourself, without being some kind of awesome super-human being?

Perfectionism is not about striving for excellence, it’s a cognitive behavioral process, a way of thinking and feeling that says this: If I look perfect, do it perfect, work perfect, and live perfect, I can avoid or minimize shame, blame and judgment.” ~ Brene Brown

I know that how I react when I believe that I need to be super-loving-supporter good brilliant friend is that I don’t say no, I smile, I stay on the phone longer than I want, I feel doubt and worry.

And who would I be without the thought that I need to ease peoples’ pain, offer support, be loving…and that this means not saying what I really think out loud?

Who would I really be without the thought that I need to be a Good Person?

Dang, it’s *F*A*N*T*A*S*T*I*C*.

It’s vulnerable, but real. I feel alive, excited, free and so very honest and authentic.

I could die tomorrow, I have such intimacy with what is here today. I am including the voice inside me that knows what true love really is…it does not have to be careful. 

I turn the thought around that I have to be supportive, loving and kind (and that looks like “x”).

I do not have to help or be supportive. I do not have to listen. I do not have to be nice, kind, perfect, easy-going, self-less, or say yes. Ever.

I can notice that I’m a part of a great connected atmosphere….and that when people are yelling and looking for a criminal and they knock on my door, it’s OK that I feel big feelings of fear run through me, even if I didn’t do it.

I can question my beliefs of what is good, bad and follow integrity, true integrity.

“You know all that little ego stuff? That’s gotta go. Which is fortunate. Is wonderful. Because at least then, there is no question, there is no doubt, that when you let go of the egoic self, there’s no doubt what there is. What there IS, is what you ARE, and what you ARE, is about the most wonderful place you could fall back into. So at least you know THAT. You know that when you let go of the egoic self, what you’re getting in exchange is the whole universe, you’re getting all of existence.” ~ Adyashanti  

Thank you to the people who I encountered who pushed me to be truthful, to be a mean girl, to be powerful, to say goodbye.

Every one of them helped destroy some of that “ego stuff”. My image of myself as Good, Helpful, Support-Genius.

All that’s left here is joy, gratitude, emptiness.

Much Love, Grace

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Toleration Games

The other day I was reading a book.

(I know! Get off my back! I’m working on the whole must-gather-more-information-and-read-endlessly addiction thing! Just give me a little more time!)

Anyway.

There was a passage suggesting that when we are tolerating other people….it’s actually a very sneaky and troubling separation tactic.

So many campaigns by governments, schools, neighborhoods, groups that sound positive, reasonable, and important that use either being for or against it: “TOLERANCE” or “ZERO-TOLERANCE”.

“Tolerance is a very dull virtue. It is boring. Unlike love, it has always had a bad press. It is negative. It merely means putting up with people, being able to stand things.” ~ E.M. Forster

As I read, I could see how deciding to tolerate someone, or a group of people, looked like an effort to control ones words, or feelings, in the presence of Those People.

Tolerate actually is defined in the dictionary as to let, permit, allow, suffer.

I could see that being tolerant might be a form of keeping oneself from exploding or getting upset, or crying or fuming in frustration, or showing how scared you are.

But as I was breeezin’ past this idea like a freight train leaving the dust behind…it dawned on me…uh oh.

YOU do this, Grace. There are actually some people that you, er, “tolerate”. 

In other words, there is a part of me that is a bit nervous around them. Or, I want to plug my ears when I hear their voice. Or, I’m thinking things about them that I don’t actually SAY out loud. Ever.

Sigh.

Have you ever been in a meditation retreat and here comes the guy who already shared yesterday? Yada Yada, we already know you’re whole long story, just ask your question!

Or the other guy who always has such a bossy, commanding, pleading request for me to volunteer again for his group.

Something inside me, as I drove my car, tuned in to this very small objection to those Other People…who really are not threatening, or close, and who don’t cross paths with me very often.

Yes…time to do The Work on THEM.

Watching to see where I believe that my only option is to tolerate…not to actually love, connect, and know that I am really similar to them.

So I begin: he should stop pestering me on the phone. 

(He’s only called me 3 times in the last year…but we’ll go ahead and call itpestering, since that’s what this mind came up with).

I don’t like his tactics, he’s too pushy, if I said what I really feel I’d look mean or frightened, he creeps me out, he should take a hint and leave me alone, he should stop calling, and I need to be accepting and tolerant!

Is it true? Really?

Yes! How will we all get along in society unless we tolerate each other? I need to politely say no and go away.

Because he’s too pushy.

Are you sure you need to just be polite and exit the situation? Are you positivehe is pushy? Is that what you really want? Is that the way you really want to live?

Are you absolutely positive there’s no way to connect more deeply with this human being? 

How do I react when I believe the thought that when someone’s voice or energy bothers me, I need to tolerate them, withdraw, avoid?

I’m believing they are dangerous somehow, that I need to be careful. When I think I need to tolerate that person, or those people, I do feel superior. I feel like I am better, different.

I’m not happy. Definitely not peaceful.

Some part of me wants to be kind, nice, gentle and easy. I want to be liked.

Once, I was at a conference and shared a room with another attendee, to save money.

She invited other attendees over for cocktails. I went to sleep with a pillow over my head while they talked and drank until 2 or 3 am.

I know that I’m a very quick and deep sleeper and mostly was sleeping, but turned over many times because of laughter, lights on, noise.

I was in pure mute Tolerant Mode. Not willing to say “could you move this party?”

How do I react when I believe that I want to be liked, or someone is a little creepy or dangerous, or I don’t know them so I have to be careful?

I’m powerless, a victim, I am distrusting, stuck, surviving, looking down my nose at them, rolling my eyes…..not thriving or free!

Who would I be without the thought that my only option with someone is to tolerate them?

So much more honest. Real. Willing to speak even though my heart is beating, and my arms are shaking and I have sweaty armpits.

Without the thought that I have to be careful…I tell the truth.

Turning the thoughts around, I find that I do not need to tolerate. That’s not good enough for me.

I don’t like my tactics, I’m too pushy with myself, if I am mean or frightened it’s honest—I’m not all peaceful all the time, I creep myself out with my images of bad stuff that might happen if I’m real, I should take a hint and leave myself alone and leave him alone by stopping blaming him for my being scared, I should stop calling myself and pestering myself to be accepting and tolerant!

Who would I be without the thought that it’s not safe to speak up, that I have to tolerate the situation?

A relief, but also a little scary, pushing beyond my usual safety zone. I’m taking a step into a unknown, mysterious universe, not a terrifying one that needs to be tolerated.

 “Most people tell you they want to get out of kindergarten, but don’t believe them. Don’t believe them! All they want you to do is to mend their broken toys. ‘Give me back my wife. Give me back my job. Give me back my money. Give me back my reputation, my success.’ This is what they want; they want their toys replaced.” ~ Anthony DeMello

I am willing to give up any reputation, image, or identity I have with being nice, tolerant, kind, gentle, forgiving, easy-going. 

I am willing to expose that I am scared and nervous chicken sometimes.

I look forward to speaking up, with kindness, directly, to connect for reals, to say the hard stuff.

“I’ve heard people say that they cling to their painful thoughts because they’re afraid that without them they wouldn’t be activists for peace. ‘If I felt completely peaceful,’ they say, ‘why would I bother taking action at all?’ My answer is ‘Because that’s what love does.’ To think that we need sadness or outrage to motivate us to do what’s right is insane. As if the clearer and happier you get, the less kind you become.” ~ Byron Katie

Every single time I say it, things turn out better than I ever dreamed of, even when it didn’t seem like it at first.

“Many people would be surprised that, in fact, I’m quite shy.” ~ Desmond Tutu

Love, Grace

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You’re Too Afraid Of Anger–Is It True?

A lovely inquirer who has worked with me regularly for several years contacted me to start a new set of solo sessions.

She described a recent dilemma, a very stressful situation.

She encountered a person in the business world who she found intimidating.

This was a new project, a new character entering her life experience.

At first, this person was just a little bothersome. But quickly, her experience shifted to huge anxiety. He was contentious, pushy, trying to negotiate harshly.

She wanted to run.

We’ve all encountered people who frighten us at one time or another.

Once, I was sitting in my car, in a parking lot, in the winter. Doors and windows closed. I was finishing a short phone call to schedule a new client.

I looked up to see a man yelling orders at a little boy who appeared to be his son about age four. The boy was running right at the heals of the man, both arms straight at his side, a terrified but stern look on his little face.

The man yelled so loud, it made me look up through my windshield. He was shouting things like “closer! stay with me! NOW!”

They were gone in an instant, across my vision and then out of sight to the right. I had no contact with them, except to hear and see, for just a moment.

But it frightened me.

I left my car, looking over the parking lot. Instead of reading my latest book in the gym while I rode one of those bike machines…I did The Work.

The gym has been a fabulous place for writing worksheets, especially when my feelings are boiling or jumping.

I had a blank piece of paper and a pen, and if I didn’t, I would have asked for one.

I realized that this was a perfect motion-picture moment of my fear of rage. An adult angry with a kid; the smaller person has no equality…abuse, terror, no way out, hopelessness, lack of power.

Wow, I suddenly realized how afraid I was of anger. Afraid of someone who I thought had a lot of power, or physical strength.

I am undergoing a project with my son (age 19) to watch every Best Picture from every year since the very first Grammy Awards.

We started a couple of years ago, with the year 1931. We’ve gone backwards over time.

Last week we got to the year 1968 and watched Oliver Twist.

I suddenly remembered that when I watched that movie, at the young age of 6 or 7, it was the first time I learned that an adult could become wildly crazed with fury, and kill another person (his girlfriend)!

My jaw dropped open at the time, my stomach hurt, it was so haunting.

In fact the whole movie painted a picture of ideas about loss, death, tragedy, children with no parents, starving orphans, mean nasty bullies, and then….being SAVED.

As I reflected on the movie messages, I realized that way back before I even ever saw that movie, I already had learned that anger was dangerous, that I should be careful not to ruffle any feathers, and that the “good” people (good kids) don’t go around disturbing their parents!

I believed anger was bad.

This was the biggest piece of proof so far: violence and murder.

What a fantastic place for inquiry, looking at a very terrifying situation.

With this inquirer who called recently, I could tell she really wanted to know the truth.

She saw how she reacted when she believed the thought that the man she encountered was absolutely overpowering.

She crawled into bed and no longer answered his phone calls.

This can be a very wise reaction…

….but the part that hurt the most was her upset towards herself for not standing up to him, not being a rock star bee-och, withdrawing.

Who would you be without the thought that you should not run?

Who would I be without the thought that because I didn’t jump out of my car and do something, say something that day in the parking lot, that I was a chicken, or a failure?

Without the thought that you need to get tougher, say “No” more clearly, swoop in and be the Terminator?

“Whatever you take on, you do as well as you can. That’s your full potential. That’s how I do the dishes, its how I scrub the floor, it’s how I am with my children, with my husband. I do the best that I can, and that’s my full potential in the moment, and that’s good with me.” ~ Byron Katie

The turnaround came alive for me in the gym that day when I realized that at that particular time, place and reality, that the way it went was the best way it could have gone.

It offered a deep awareness of my fear of loud noises, yelling, and hitting.

I also realized that I had no idea, really, who that child was, or what was going on, or who the man was to the child, or what was happening next, or where they were going.

I had a huge story created in my imagination that was almost as unreal as the movie Oliver.

I noticed then too, that without the thought that anger is bad, my heart opens up to the noise that is drawing my attention (called yelling).

I see fear, panic, someone who is believing what they think, someone who is worried that the world is a dangerous place, and they need to control things or stay safe…ME.

The only reason we don’t open our hearts and minds to other people is that they trigger confusion in us that we don’t feel brave enough or sane enough to deal with. To the degree that we look clearly and compassionately at ourselves, we feel confident and fearless about looking into someone else’s eyes. ” ~ Pema Chödrön 

You’ve done the best you can. Keep inquiring.

Love, Grace

Click Here to read about or register for the 8 week teleclass Turning Relationship Hell to Heaven. Room for one last person on Thursday mornings 8 am 9/12-11/7 (no class 10/10).

YOI is full. Next one starts in January 2014!

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Groups Help When The Work Isn’t Working

Last year a woman contacted me because she felt like The Work wasn’t working for her.

She would go through the process of asking herself the four questions, and turn her thoughts around, but she was still feeling pretty rotten about her relationships with some people in her life.

She was trying to do The Work on her own, she said. She would get some light bulbs of awareness.

But then have some kind of interaction in life that was pretty stressful.

Her son was really bothering her. Still. After doing The Work on him a whole bunch of times!

The idea of taking a teleclass appealed to her, but she wasn’t sure THAT would “work” either. She thought there might not be enough time, individual attention, or relief if she worked in a group.

What do we humans mean when we’re saying that something is NOT WORKING?

For me, when I’ve thought something wasn’t working well, I’ve felt pain, stress, unhappiness, worry, danger, or disappointment around the same issue or situation or person, over and over.

In other words, I feel uncomfortable emotions. And with these feelings comes the conclusion: this isn’t working! I’m at my wits end! I have to do something different!

One of the strongest places I ever experienced this was around my addiction to binge-eating and obsessing about food, or dieting, or fixing my body.

I met a life coach once who said that when people would complain and tell about a repetitive activity or experience in their lives that led to failure or unhappiness, he asked people the question sometimes,“how’s that working for ya?”  

It was a little sarcastic. I might have rolled my eyes when I was in my twenties and knew the whole relationship I had with food was NOT working for me.

Duh!

Or so I thought.

Because here’s the funny thing. When I connected for the first time with a therapist who did not appear to think I better get over this whole bulimia and self-starvation thing ASAP….

….I had the chance to study my relationship with food in a new and deep way.

Who would you be without the thought that some relationship in your life MUST end, that it is 100% not working, that you need it fixed?

Like, yesterday!?!

You might be invited to take a second look, a deeper or closer look.

You might stick with some process, or find an ongoing support group, or keep doing The Work, or keep studying, keep questioning the way you’re perceiving it all.

You might start to see it all as a fascinating and adventurous journey, with rough patches and sweet patches.

As soon as I saw what WAS working in my relationship with food, even though it felt violent, I could slow down a bit, without a demand on the inside that it must change.

I saw benefits, advantages, and reasons why that relationship was helpful. For example, when I felt too lonely, or terrified, or angry, it would help me change the channel of my feelings.

It showed me my fears, my panic about life, my mistrust. It made me reach out for help.

It showed me that I believed in there not being enough for me, or too much for me, to deal with.

I believed that I would starve or be overwhelmed, not only with food, or decisions, but with the entire world. With everything that happened.

“If you want peace, you don’t talk to your friends. You talk to your enemies.” ~ Desmond Tutu

I thought food was my enemy, my own mind was my enemy, big feelings were my enemy, and I believed my own thoughts were something I needed to be against.

As I found The Work and captured all those mean, vicious, nasty, horrible thoughts on paper…I began to feel relief.

I began to laugh.

The woman who contacted me? She enrolled in Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven.

The structure made her sit down, even if she did it 10 minutes before our group call together, and write out a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet.

She had to share all those nasty thoughts about her own son with the group! And they didn’t dismiss her or avoid her. They listened and accepted that her thoughts were also theirs at some point or another.

She was not the worst mother ever, or the worst person.

I used to never, ever tell people that I was once someone who had bulimic episodes, had starved myself for two years. So embarrassing.

“In the story of my life as a person, something always seems to be lacking.” ~ Joan Tollifson

I received this note from the same dear woman last month:

I’d like to sign up for the Year of Inquiry group starting in September. I can’t come to the retreats, but want you to know, that I would if I lived any closer. After I took your Teleclass last year, my relationship changed not only with my son, who now speaks to me…but my brother who I had written off forever. I can hardly believe that as I did The Work and did NOT make plans to talk with my son, out of the blue he called. All I did was question my beliefs, and everything started changing. Thank you Grace, I couldn’t have done it without doing the class. Now, I just want to keep going. ~ Toronto, CANADA

If you find that you’d like the support of sinking in to this inquiry process so that it goes from your head down into your heart and your whole body (and then maybe out into the entire universe)…

…and if it appeals to you but you see that you’d like some support…

…then come on board with us for the practice of looking at and examining and understanding what you’re thinking, without pushing it away or trying to destroy it.

It might start working, you never know.

“When you believe in things that you don’t understand, then you suffer. Superstition ain’t the way.” ~ Stevie Wonder

Love, Grace

P.S. Only ONE spot left in Year of Inquiry YOI that starts on Thursday. Read about it or register here.

Click Here to read about or register for the 8 week teleclass Turning Relationship Hell to Heaven. Still room for two on Thursday mornings 8 am 9/12-11/7 (no class 10/10).

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Be Happy With Your Preferences

Not long ago I received a letter from an inquirer who had a long relationship with a lover that she thought of as volatile, like a roller coaster ride.

In fact, the writer had married the person in question not once, but twice. And divorced twice as well.

Even if this is not common to actually go through the ceremonies and the business legalities of marriage and divorce twice with one person…many of us know what its like to have what feels like a whacked relationship with someone.

Well, OK, I personally remember what it was like. In the experience, it felt like torture.

Too dramatic. The bliss, the hell, the peaks, the valleys.

The woman who wrote me set up an appointment to do The Work. She was in a new so-called “committed” relationship…and it was starting to smell like that old one.

She was feeling familiar pain, about not liking the way this partner was in certain really important areas: money, work and parenting.

I am not making fun of “committed” relationships when I say “so-called”…

….I say “so-called” because when I began to look at relationships and what we are calling one, what society is calling one, what I am calling one, what my neighbor is calling one, what the government is calling one….what defines a “relationship” becomes really murky.

It’s funny how many of us enjoy bonding with one other person (sometimes its called monogamy) and experiencing a very long exploration or journey with that one person.

It’s also true that many of us humans enjoy bonding with multiple different people.

I remember once a client came to work with me, such a sweet young man. He was living on a big college campus where polyamory was en vogue. In other words, the social rules were that the coolest people were sexual with anyone they wanted, any time, with no boundaries or objections.

This dear young man was trying really hard to be polyamorous, but he kept having trouble because he kept liking just one woman and wanting to connect and reconnect with primarily her, over and over.

I had to chuckle inside just a bit because I thought, wow, the construct for what is considered cool has swung clear over into another camp. In his mind, he wasn’t cool if he was monogamous!

But really, the suffering was not in whatever the social norm was, or what was considered cool or uncool, what you were or were not open to….the suffering came from him believing thoughts like this:

  • I shouldn’t like what I like, it’s wrong
  • I should be different than I am, my desires are bad
  • my preferences are too ____ (rigid, loose, boring, greedy, big, small)
  • the only place I could get satisfied is over there (even if over there is not available)
  • I am not satisfied here, with myself
  • that person I’m “with” should be better at: work, money, parenting, cleaning, cooking, sex, fixing household items, commitment, jokes

GOSH. What could we do with such stressful thoughts?

Of course, I found that a wonderful way to look at the process of “being” in a relationship that feels difficult, however that is defined, is to take out that Judge Your Neighbor worksheet and really read that objectionable person (NOT YOU) the riot act.

On paper. Don’t actually read it to them!

(Unless they understand the process of The Work and want to go for it with you).

Write down what you are really, really upset about. Write what you think they should do, or say, or think, or feel.

I am upset because my boyfriend is attracted to so many other women! I am upset because she is open to being sexual with multiple other partners! I am upset because he has no job! I am upset because she has no money! I am upset because I am single!

After you do The Work on this….really questioning, weeding through it, examining your ideas and beliefs in lack, unhappiness, fear….

….you may find that you wind up where you started, with your same preference for chocolate, but not against vanilla anymore.

It’s a waaaaaay different way to be with yourself, in love with yourself, in love with your own preferences and what brings you joy.

Without people who have entirely different preferences being mistaken, wrong, condemned, or bad.

Without trying to make yourself different!

Who would you be without the thought that there is something wrong with your relationship, with the person you’ve been interested in, with what has occurred so far in the learning between the two of you?

“My legs are on the coffee table, crossed at the ankles. One person may think, how unladylike; another might think, how comfortable. But with or without the thoughts, my legs are in the perfect position. And then I notice they uncross, and then they cross again, as I watch the movie of life, frame by frame: perfection, perfection, perfection, perfection. There is no frame you could freeze and look at that wouldn’t be the way of its perfect self. Only the mind that believes what it thinks is capable of creating imperfection.” ~ Byron Katie

Without the thought that something is unladylike, or something is comfortable, or something is right, something is wrong…..as I look at my relationship with that person, I watch the movie of life.

I cross paths with them, I uncross paths with them. Without stressful thoughts, my world is stunning whether with them or without them.

Without my beliefs about that Difficult Person, I found that I relaxed. I was suddenly in the present moment. Here. No past to obsess over. No argument with what happened yesterday.

I found that I could enter the turnarounds finally, with peace:

  • I should like exactly what I like, it’s right (as long as it is)
  • I shouldn’t be different than I am, my desires are wonderful
  • my preferences are just right for me, they teach me, they live for a reason
  • satisfaction is here, now, in this present moment no matter who I am with or where I am
  • I am totally satisfied with me, myself and I. I am the love of my life!
  • I should be good at: work, money, parenting, cleaning, cooking, sex, fixing household items, commitment, jokes—or notice and enjoy and hire those who are, or not.

For me, as I opened to all formats, possibilities, people and the ways they build their relationships, I noticed where I felt in integrity, out of integrity, where it was easy or not so easy for me, where was just right for my own evolution.

“I feel a surge of gratitude for my preferences. I love where they take me.” ~ Byron Katie

I love knowing that instead of being against that Other Person that I can simply question my beliefs, and move with rest and ease towards what I prefer.

There is no feeling of lack or being abandoned, or being sad (and if there is, I can question my thinking).

“Happiness is being allowed to be happy. Happiness is acknowledging it can never be wrong to be happy. Happiness is knowing you will be happy in the future. Happiness is realizing that there could never be a time when you should be unhappy.  Happiness is what is left when you stop believing you have to be unhappy. Happiness is knowing it is okay to be happy.” ~ Bruce DiMarsico

Do The Work, question your stressful beliefs, and enjoy yourself.

It may be more fun than you ever imagined.

And if there’s someone you’re having trouble with…join the Thursday 8 week class Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven. You can work on mother, father, son, daughter, boss, neighbor…doesn’t have to be a romantic partner.

Love, Grace

Click Here to read about or register for the 8 week teleclass Turning Relationship Hell to Heaven. Still room for two on Thursday mornings 8 am 9/12-11/7 (no class 10/10).

Click here to read about or register for YOI Year of Inquiry (only one spot left). You can register for telecalls only, or add the retreats and/or solo sessions. Discounted fees if you pay upfront, but monthly payment is also easy to set up.

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Competition Seen Clearly – No Win or Lose, Better or Worse

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This past weekend in the US and Canada we had a long weekend, with Monday being a holiday.

The sun was bright, the smell of the sea air rich and fabulous, seagulls calling and sweeping through the air, as my two children and husband rode off on the ferry to Victoria, British Columbia, for high tea.

I am a British Citizen and so are my two children, even though they haven’t been to England (yet).

This two day adventure was planned long ago.

One brilliant part of the journey was spending half a day (and we wanted more) in the Royal BC Museum.

There just happened to be a display, in gorgeous photography and timelines, of the sordid and dramatic tale of one of my favorite stories (for some weird reason)….humans making it to the South Pole.

The continent had been visited. But now, there was interest in getting to the actual middle of the South Pole, the very center.

A great competition unfolded. Norwegians versus the Brits. Who would get there first?

If you don’t know the brutal story of these journeys…I’m afraid I have to reveal the ending.

The Norwegians won. And the final British party made it, stuck their flag in next to the tattered Norwegian flag and tent, and on their way back to safety…perished.

Based on the diary of the leader of the Brits, I had to chuckle when he wrote “the worst has happened” as they spied the Norwegian flag flying in the distance, and they realized they had lost the race.

Competition is a fierce and sometimes desperate energy…and a little skewed from reality.

The two extreme sides of it are 1) absolute intense determination to win, an almost enraged sense of purpose, ready to destroy anything in the way (not that I’ve ever felt that before).

And, 2) a similar intensity which says “I will not play, I don’t care, I refuse to compete, I give up entirely, I am nothing, I won’t do it.” (I wouldn’t know about that one either).

Many of us have touched on both sides, or at least felt the immense yearning for the power to win or succeed, or the power to refuse to play and to be very small.

But even if you haven’t felt the extremes…the awareness of competing enters into many peoples’ minds every day.

It’s called Comparison.

I saw concepts written right in front of me, in the story of the two leaders who raced to the South Pole, with their entire countries behind them waiting for the news of their success or defeat.

They wanted to be The One. They were willing to go to any lengths.

Which turned out to be Death for several of them.

“Every ego wants to be special. If it can’t be special by being superior to others, it’s also quite happy with being especially miserable. Someone will say, ‘I have a headache,’ and another says, ‘I’ve had a headache for weeks.’ People actually compete to see who is more miserable! The ego that does that is just as big as the one that thinks it’s superior to someone else.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

The way you know you are comparing yourself to someone else and having a little competition moment is that you see them, and something clenches inside.

I’ve had thoughts like these (some are kind of embarrassing):

  • she’s made it in her business in her 30s, she’s way ahead of me, I’m running out of time
  • he’s published four books, I’ve published zero
  • she has a gazillion more followers on her Facebook page
  • she has a ton of education to still finish so she won’t be my competition any time soon
  • he hates himself too much to become ultra successful (in which case I might be jealous)
  • I can’t believe with such a goofy haircut he was on Oprah and teaches sold out retreats
  • her life story is so extreme I’ve faced nothing compared to that, it makes me look like I got stung by a bee and thought it was the end of the world

That kind of thinking, while so immature, separating and busy that you may want to dismiss it and ignore it…is wonderful to question.

It allows those thoughts of competition to live, and be honored.

Maybe the energy of the competition is there as a striving to survive, to master, to create…who knows?

So who would I be without these thoughts as I see the varied and enormous number of characters enter and exit my thoughts, my awareness, my environment?

What if I couldn’t even have the thoughts that someone is better or worse off than me? Doing well or Not-so-well? Us versus Them? Bigger vs Smaller?

The idea that there’s a perfect image of success vs what’s-actually-happening?

I had the thought that without such a furious feeling of competition, perhaps all the men racing to the South Pole would have lived, and worked together….but then the story wouldn’t be so exciting, or such a teacher, something worthy of museum display 100 years later.

And if the ultimate competition is to go beyond this life on earth…well then the British won. (Ha!)

The turnarounds to this thinking truly are “I don’t know” what is success, there is no better or worse, there is no end point to the win or the lose (something always happens next), it is impossible to measure anything absolutely.

Everything simply is the way it is…beautifully, perfectly, kindly empty or full.

The first time I went to see Adyashanti, one of my favorite spiritual teachers, I said as I came to the microphone full of questions and desperation about understanding All This.

With trembling hands and tearful voice, I took the mic. “I never heard of you before until recently, and I’m so glad to be here.”

He replied “I never heard of YOU before either.”

Love, Grace

If you’re ready to join in the company of other amazing inquirers and work together (even if you notice comparison arise) then join us:

 

Click here to read about or register for the 8 week teleclass.

Click here to read about or register for YOI!

 

Love, Grace

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If You’re Going Through Hell, Keep Inquiring

I want a romantic partner!

Have you ever had that thought, or known someone close who had that thought?

It’s almost a question that has the answer “DUH, are you nuts? A gazillion trillion people want a partner…pretty much almost everyone who is single or unpartnered WANTS a partner!”

Let’s add in the thought “I want a different partner than the one I have.”

Between the two beliefs, there’s hardly anyone left over!

(OK, not really).

But many people who are single hardly question that a romantic mate would make them happier.

Many people who are in partnerships think about improving them, changing them, or getting out of them.

They look at their world and find proof that having or changing a partner is a fabulous plan.

They’ve been immersed in the idea, perhaps, since they were born, from the people all around them.

I’ve had lots of clients who believed they needed, wanted, craved or longed for romance, who are sure it does not exist in their current circumstances.

They are sure that if they were in a great couple agreement, they would have security, comfort, financial stability, pleasure, connection, and love.

Really?

Even though it may seem true, that society, your family, your friends say its true….it is still worth questioning, if it causes you stress.

“Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.” ~ Mark Twain

I was working with a woman who was positive it was true that partnership is better than being on your own.

She was alone, unpartnered…and therefore having an unhappy, unsatisfying life.

I asked her questions about what she meant when she said “partner”. Like, what is a GOOD partner? Because that’s the one you want, right?

A BAD partner won’t do. No, no, no.

You may even have some good examples of BAD partners. Those are OUT.

How do you think she reacted in her daily life when she believed she wanted a partner, and good men were hard to come by?

How does a person react when they believe they have to be careful who they pick, because they might get hurt, it might be a hassle?

Sad, disappointed, discouraged, angry, listless, flipping between “trying” to meet people and giving up altogether.

And my own company, or what is here now, just isn’t that great. Not good enough. Not fun enough, secure enough, comforting enough.

But who would you be without the thought that first, you need a partner, and second, that its rare to find a good one, a long shot?

Without the thought that a good partner is unusual, or that I even need one….I’m suddenly aware of all the energy spent on pining over the missing partner.

I’m here now.

It’s weird, actually, because that thought has been so ingrained. It’s like I don’t even know WHAT to think or do.

Things are unknown, open, mysterious.

For me, when I deeply questioned the thought that I needed one person in my life to feel happy…..some kind of clutching, grabby thing stopped on the inside.

My empty, quiet, silent little cottage felt magical, inviting. No one there. Sweet!

And then, activity took place, without my mind getting involved.

I went out into the world ready to have a ball. I stayed home doing my favorite thing: (in my case, reading). I went out dancing. I went off to meditation retreat. I bought tickets to my favorite concert.

I went out to dinner for the first time in my life, on purpose, all by myself to one of my favorite restaurants. It was weird, but intriguing.

I wrote down my stressful thoughts while sitting at the elegant table, all by myself. I did have some.

I noticed how fabulous it was to pick whatever I wanted to do, whenever I wanted to do it.

Without the thought that I ever needed a partner I felt so content. Not missing out on anything. I could find whatever I enjoyed without “partnership”.

I began to notice that without any need for someone in my life, tons of men were everywhere and so many of them were adorable!

They weren’t rare at all.

It was a great a big, wide, fat question: who would I be without the thought that I needed? Anyone?

Without the thought that I needed, or wanted, or was separated from the whole Universe?

“When I die to the need for people, then I’m right in the desert. In the beginning it feels awful, it feels lonely, but if you can take if for awhile, you’ll suddenly discover that it isn’t lonely at all. It is solitude, it is aloneness, and the desert begins to flower. Then at last you’ll know what love is, what God is, what reality is………I was afraid to say this, but I talked to God, and I told Him that I don’t need Him. My initial reaction was this is so contrary to everything that I’ve been brought up with….Sometimes you have to get rid of God in order to find God.” ~ Anthony DeMello

I say, let yourself question the old, solid thoughts that feel like foundations of happiness, such as needing partners, or needing the one you have to change.

You may find such freedom on the other side….if you keep going.

“If you’re going through hell, keep going.” ~ Winston Churchill

Keep inquiring, it’s worth it.

Love, Grace

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Feeling Peaceful When You Hear Crude Words

It’s astonishing sometimes the speed at which the mind can move into believing a stressful thought.

Even right in the middle of doing The Work.

There you are, answering the question “who would I be if I didn’t believe this situation, or that person, was troubling?”

And in your mind you see warning images flash about what this bad or difficult situation means and how sure you are that it IS troubling.

Or you compare yourself to those Other People who are having a great time over there, without the same kinds of difficulties.

Maybe you get a little nervous about that difficult person, and you’d rather not talk, think, say or do anything about them….too scary.

The other day I was questioning my idea that someone I overheard speaking shouldn’t have said what they said.

“He is so inappropriate” I chattered away to myself. “He always brings up sexual innuendo or talks about his sexcapades, and he makes himself appear as if he’s had thousands of sexual partners, so crude…”

He wasn’t even talking to me, I just overheard him.

I felt inquiry rise in me as I drove quietly home in my car.

Who would I be in that moment when I heard this person talking about sexual contact with others that it was in poor taste, or wrong, or exasperating, or icky?

Oh no….without the thought, I wouldn’t speak up, I wouldn’t get away from him, I wouldn’t be grossed out and know who to avoid!

I realized this was one of those situations where without the belief that he is gross or crude…..I feel vulnerable, nervous. That thought feels like it’s protecting me, even if its harsh.

But can I be sure that believing I KNOW what is repulsive will protect me, and keep me safe?

Not really.

I looked at the belief “he is not safe”. 

You can think of someone right now who you feel nervous around, even just a little bit. Or maybe it’s a whole lot.

Are you sure that person isn’t safe? Are you sure you’re in danger of getting hurt if they speak, listen, have contact with you?

Yes! I need to be careful!

Suddenly I remember being on summer break at my grandparents house between fifth and sixth grade. Reunited with my best summer friend, who I hadn’t seen since the previous year.

She is now very interested in boys. She has a boyfriend. She wants us to sneak out of the house together on the hot summer night and go to a party.

I’ve never even thought about boys before. We’re eleven. I have no brothers. I’ve hardly talked with boys. It never occurred to me.

I follow her to the party in the dark hot summer night. I don’t like this idea. I’m paired with a boy and apparently everyone is supposed to “make out”.

I’m frozen. I have the thought that I’m grossed out, and then also the thought that I myself shouldn’t say anything out loud to the boy, my friend, to anyone.

In that situation, as it rises in vivid color memory…who would I be without the thought that it was terrible, that everyone was wrong, and my friend and the boys were disgusting…or that they were not safe?

I would notice that this situation was above and beyond my preference zone. I would say “I’m going home now” and leave, rather happily.

I probably would have said to my friend before we even left her house “Party? Uh, no thanks, I’m going to sleep now.”

I would save about three hours of sick anxiety caught between terror and waiting for the whole thing to be over.

Maybe I’d be curious…what on earth are these humans doing anyway?  And also notice I am not very interested, and very clear that this is not the time and place for me, yet.

Often, right under the surface of investigating who you would be without a thought, there are other powerful thoughts and beliefs that deserve exploration.

Who was not safe in that situation?

That was me. I wasn’t safe for myself. I didn’t talk. I didn’t say no. I was believing that I couldn’t rock the boat, leave, speak up, voice an opinion, or express my preferences without being in danger.

I return to my review of the current situation with the man who I was judging.

I take a look at him again, in my mind.

I notice I’m not exactly drawn to him and his words in that moment….but I am entirely safe.

He doesn’t have to change for me to be happy. I’m glad he is enjoying himself, having an exciting life.

I discover that the person who is not safe, as I am overhearing the language, the explicit sexual description, the terminology…is ME.

Without the thought that I don’t ever want to hear that kind of talk, I burst out laughing. I picture myself giving that man a light punch and saying something like “Can you take this conversation outside?”

I relax with the words and meanings I heard, and find there is a place for them and a part of life with them, and that one of my favorite topics of all time has been learning, understanding and knowing about human sexuality and what works and what doesn’t work for me personally.

“Hurt feelings or discomfort of any kind cannot be caused by another person. No one outside me can hurt me. That’s not a possibility. It’s only when I believe a stressful thought that I get hurt. And I’m the one who’s hurting me by believing what I think. This is very good news, because it means that I don’t have to get someone else to stop hurting me. I’m the one who can stop hurting me. It’s within my power.” ~ Byron Katie

In fact, after I overheard that conversation, I asked someone close what one term was that I had no idea what it meant or what it was (yes, at age 52) and learned a new thing about sexual conduct in some humans.

And I also noticed, I wasn’t really that interested.

“When you no longer perceive the world as hostile, there is no more fear, and when there is no more fear, you think, speak and act differently. Love and compassion arise, and they affect the world. Even if you find yourself in a conflict situation, there is an outflow of peace into the polarities. So then, something does change.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

Love, Grace

P.S. If you experience a lot of beliefs around sexuality, then join us in October for the next 8 week teleclass with exercises created to look at worst case scenarios and other stressful situations with inquiry.

Also, the One Year Program is a wonderful way to examine every stressful situation that appears in your world in your present life, and with partnership and support to question them using The Work.

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Obi-Wan Ken-YOU-Be, You’re Your Only Hope!

Even though I saw Star Wars when it first came out, all those years ago, and even though I’ve never seen it again, I still remember many fantastic scenes.

One of my favorite was the video message of Princess Leah saying “Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi, you’re my only hope!”

She’s strong, proud, and powerful.

It seemed in the story, to me, that perhaps….just maybe….good things were coming to the princess.

She was sending out a request, but who knows, maybe there was Other Hope alive there as well.

The adventure! It was ON!

The other day I was working with a young woman who feels entirely unsuccessful in finding a mate.

She feels good about her fun career, her capacity to earn money, her opportunities for adventure, the closeness of friends.

But darn it, that ideal relationship is elusive.

Many people consider parts of their lives like miserable failures, or disappointments.

This is an interesting exercise in questioning your thinking….to really examine that place where you feel like a dolt, like you’ve made mistakes.

Like you just don’t measure up compared to others. Maybe you’re mediocre when you hoped to rock the house.

You had dreams….but….YAWN.

Maybe you’ve completely blown it.

Take a moment right now and consider where in your life you have beenunsuccessful.

Have you been unsuccessful, or less than brilliant, in your career? In making money? In being free from addiction? In being normal weight? In finding that fabulous beloved partner? In finishing that creative project? In becoming enlightened?

Now…let’s do The Work on this idea, that you are Less Than Genius when it comes to this subject.

You know what Brilliance looks like, what Success looks like.

It’s over there…that person is successful in this area. Not me.

First of all, get really quiet and answer this question: Is it true that you are not successful in this most important, wonderful, significant area for you?

Are you sure you are not successful?

Yes Yes Yes! I know what my life would look like if I were successful! NOT LIKE THIS.

I’m a loser in this area. (I’m even a loser for thinking so self-critically, I should love myself, right?)

Hold it.

Slow it down and see, if it was only you who can give the Final Answer. (I can hear the game show host from Who Wants To Be A Millionaire and his voice saying IS THAT YOUR FINAL ANSWER?)

Is it true that you are unsuccessful in this arena you’re thinking about?

Yes or No are both fine. Just watch which one is actually true for you, it’s quite fascinating.

And now, next question….

…How do you react when you believe the thought that you are unsuccessful at “x”? What happens in that moment?

I used to feel so low, like the scum of the earth. A kind of heavy, flat weight, pulling me down to horizontal.

Acute depression. Bitter vicious stream of thought, calling myself names.

I ate food, lots of it, when I wasn’t hungry.

Then I’d feel worse. And numbly forget all about the original lack of success.

I wouldn’t even try to go succeed at whatever “x” was (for me it was having a fun, interesting job, earning money, connecting with others honestly, being real, saying “no”, finishing my book, sending my writing to publishers).

Why bother trying to change?

Look at all this evidence for my failure…..I had proof based on stories of the past.

I didn’t have The Work back then…but fortunately I had people in my life who were deeply encouraging, who reminded me of what I actually knew was really the truth….

….that I was successful in these areas.

Wait. What?

But. I don’t have a boyfriend! I don’t have a retirement account! I’m twenty pounds overweight! I binge eat! I need a job!

Yes, you read that correctly.

Who would you be if instead of thinking you are unsuccessful in this topic, that you are SUCCESSFUL.

Full of success. Capable, brilliant, sparkling, learning, growing, undefined, making course corrections, compassionate, kind to yourself, understanding, loving, waking up.

I notice that in every moment I’ve lived, I was always doing the best I could.

The critical mind tends to come in and quickly say “no you weren’t…you knew better…you should have done blah blah blah…”

But let yourself find examples of what you’ve learned, how you’ve been successful, how losing taught you something perhaps, how that intense experience supported you.

Even if you are a single person (and some part of you imagines it would be better to be in a relationship) see how you have been successful with who you are, with your experience.

How has it been of advantage to go slow, spend time alone, work extremely hard, be abandoned by that lover, not earn much money, not become a guru, be overweight, get sick, use drugs or alcohol?

Maybe when you stop riding yourself for your faults, you may find that the honest truth is that you’re peaceful with where you are in this moment with that apparently unsuccessful topic.

For me? I am so grateful for my under-earning, low, depressive, addictive, emotional reaction to life….

….because it all was a big fat wake up call.

It put me on this trajectory (the client said the same thing).

A humble learner. Someone going beyond their family traditions. Someone entering uncharted territory.

Someone living with the possibility of being joyful with What Is.

Maybe the entire way your life has gone is exactly the perfect path you’ve needed to find your freedom.

“You are your only hope, because we’re not changing until you do. Our job is to keep coming at you, as hard as we can, with everything that angers, upsets, or repulses you, until you understand. We love you that much, whether we’re aware of it or not. The whole world is about you.” ~ Byron Katie

If you have a hard time finding the advantages for past “failures”, or your current status, or your lack of freedom, or your not-quite-there yet….

….sit down and do The Work.

If it’s really hard, and you can’t imagine being your own only hope, you can join the upcoming two classes that start in September and get yourself some support to stay in inquiry: either the One Year Program (fantastic small group of genius inquirers) or the 8-week Relationship Hell To Heaven teleclass.

Love, Grace

P.S. The One Year Program is filling: choose to join the teleclass, the teleclass plus solo sessions, or the teleclass/solo sessions AND in-person retreats. You may want to decide soon! Write with questions: grace@workwithgrace.com

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Feeling Like A Victim Is Suffering In Paradise

A few weeks ago I read about someone who was falsely accused of using sexual favors to grow her consulting business by a competitor.

Ouch.

The part that impressed me the most was that this woman (the incident happened over two decades ago) had the wisdom at the time to slow down and question her thinking.

She knew revenge, rage, fear, self-criticism or being against the situation somehow did not feel entirely right.

Most of us know this.

We can feel that when we’re thinking that person is a mean, vile, nasty, personality-disordered, vicious liar….

….our bodies are filled with stress, unhappiness, terror and sadness.

When we’re sure that if they hadn’t done what they did, that we’d be better off, then we’re the victim in the situation.

There’s no end to suffering when you are positive you were the victim.

This doesn’t mean to suppress and shut down our feelings. They rise up. It’s the opposite really. They are showing us what we believe about the situation.

The troubling feelings are the lighthouse signal that says “Hey there…watch out…there are big rocks over here and if you keep moving in this stress-filled direction, you might get grounded.”

If you do get grounded, it’s not the end of the world, of course. But you may have to rebuild your ship.

But how do you stop feeling like a victim?

First. Wait. Don’t do anything.

(If someone is shooting at you, you probably won’t even think about it—you’ll run. I’m talking about when the dust is settled).

Then sit down with a pen and paper. Fill out a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet, the worksheet that captures your most painful beliefs about the situation as you look back on it.

The amazing thing about this worksheet, such a huge relief, is that you are petty, horrible, judgmental, critical, condemning right there on paper.

Say it all, say all the childish victim-y things that come to mind.

This gives them a chance to come out of you, onto the paper. Write for as long as you want. Be furious with your pen.

Then pick just one of the concepts you believe about this situation, this person, this wrongful attack, this person who is responsible for YOU being a VICTIM.

Who would you be without the thought that some person in the world has done you wrong?

Without the belief that they have made a mistake about you?

Wow, really?

But they did make a mistake! They are wrong! They should pay! It’s not fair!

Are you open to trying out the question?……Who would you be WITHOUT the belief that you are a victim in this situation?

It’s just a question.

I have found it’s a very exciting, very powerful, broad, expansive question.

And if you give yourself even a tiny drop of allowing yourself to imagine who you would be, you may begin to notice what freedom is.

At least, that’s what happened to that woman who I read about, in her difficult situation. And I’ve had the same experience myself.

When I began to just a teensy-weensy-teensy bit imagine the idea that I was not personally wronged or attacked…I notice a thrill of excitement that I did not imagine would appear.

What if that person was helping you, guiding you in a way, towards a broader, bigger, more loving and awakened life?

What if that person is showing you the direction to take? or NOT take?

I found that ultimately, the opposite was true when I thought someone hurt me…

….I actually hurt myself.

That person was helping me to see it.

That person was helping me to see how strong, capable, centered, and honest I could become.

That person showed me where I might have spoken up earlier, been kinder, been more conscious.

If you can’t see what good came out of that experience for you, even being WILLING to seeing something will bring you curiosity that you may notice is kind of exciting!

“If someone comes along and shoots an arrow into your heart, it’s fruitless to stand there and yell at the person. It would be much better to turn your attention to the fact that there’s an arrow in your heart…” ~ Pema Chodron

What I see now, with my own personal inquiry, is how that person helped me stand on the ground of forgiveness with a rebuilt ship, and sail out into the wide blue ocean of brand new things being entirely possible.

Yes, that person assisted in my personal awakening.

“As long as you think that the cause of your problem is “out there”-as long as you think that anyone or anything is responsible for your suffering-the situation is hopeless. It means that you are forever in the role of victim, that you’re suffering in paradise.” ~ Byron Katie

If you have anyone who mildly or acutely feels disturbing in your life, past or present, and if you’d like help in slowing down and investigating for yourself…consider joining the upcoming 8 week teleclass Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven starting Sept. 13th.

On the same day, in the afternoon, our One Year Group begins…if you’re ready to go long and deep, if perhaps you’re rebuilding your entire ship.

Love, Grace