Category: Relationships

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Don’t Try To Glitter Like A Jewel–Be Common

The other day a long-time reader of Grace Notes sent me an email. She said she did all the right things in life.

In her letter, she described what she meant by “right things”.

Each day, she meditates, writes out her prayers, cooks good healthy food and eats very well, exercises, reads spiritual work, listens to supportive audio like Byron Katie, and she stays sober.

She said “I’m a good girl!”

So how come things don’t always work out that well?

I have that good girl streak. The list is long about what “good” can be.

Yoga, raw food, being kind, donating money to charity, spending time with your kids, being helpful, giving your family money, doing volunteer work, cleaning, offering support to someone in need, being friendly, taking care of the elderly, cooking for your spouse…oh gosh.

It’s starting to sound a lot like Maria Syndrome!

As in Maria in the Sound of Music. Almost a nun, but instead, a fabulous dancer and musician to eight children who lost their mother.

I have come down with the Maria Syndrome ailment from time to time.

Usually when someone or something has threatened my personal Maria image.

For example…

Several years ago, a leader who was working on the same community project with me announced that it was time for “everything to come out in the open” at a big board meeting.

Everything? What’s “everything”? And why is she looking directly at me?

I was called forward, and then another woman was also called forward.

“You two need to get along!” the leader said.

“I need you to sit down, face each other, and Dee….you need to quit talking to others and tell Grace right to her face what you’re concerns are! We’re tired of hearing about it!”

Dee had things to tell me? Complaints that she was voicing to others, behind my back?

Gulp.

My face turned the deepest bright red, my heart started racing, and my armpits broke into a cold clammy sweat.

I was terrified.

It turned out that Dee thought I wasn’t doing my part, that I didn’t communicate effectively, that I ignored her, that I was not collaborating well, that I showed up late and was unreliable, and in fact she’d never had such a bad experience trying to get a community service project underway before.

Holy. Cow.

I felt myself going into shock. Then embarrassment. I was stunned.

I was fairly new to The Work at the time. But I found myself later writing out a most vicious response, on paper, once I gathered my wits about me.

She shouldn’t think that about me! She should think I’m awesome! That I’m good, reliable and kind! She shouldn’t think I’m ignoring her, or not collaborating well! She should know my intentions are pure, positive and good!

What was WRONG with her? Too sensitive! Too insecure, fussy, rigid, paranoid, confused!

She had me sized up WRONG. Wrong, wrong, wrong!

It was like Defenders of the Great Image of Grace Bell/Maria. How dare she see me other than “good”!?

Heh heh. Um. Yeah.

I discovered the power of the Maria Syndrome. Demanding that everyone see me as positively.

What a shocker that someone didn’t, with all the time, effort and energy I put into being such a freakin’ good citizen!

So, is it true that I am a good person….like Maria? Or that Dee should have seen me that way?

Yes! I KNOW I am a good, reliable, honest person! She should see this!

Are you sure? 

Deep breath. Answer from the deepest depths of your heart and mind.

No. I am not sure this is true. I have not been very excited AT ALL about this project. In fact, I was thinking it was a waste of time, ineffective, and wasn’t going to help the community.

I also had the feeling fairly often that Dee talked way too much. She chatted on about recipes or her neighbors and I considered it boring.

And I had never said one word.

Wow. She was right. I had not been honest. I had not been reliable, I had kept my thoughts to myself. I was very discouraged about this project, but I still showed up to the meetings. Late.

Who would I be without the thought that Dee should see me in the same light as Maria?

Without the thought that I was no longer a good person, or that because Dee thought I wasn’t a good person in that situation, it meant I wasn’t?

Who would I be right in that moment, when my face turned red, without the belief that I was in danger, that my image crumbling meant that I was hurt?

I might say, after taking it all in….

...”Dee, you are absolutely right. I don’t feel comfortable about this work we’re doing. I’m not happy at all working on this project. I don’t want to ever talk about recipes or the neighbors…I haven’t felt safe enough to be authentic. I apologize for making so many assumptions. I apologize for not ever speaking up.”

Yes, I wasn’t doing my part since I never TOLD THE TRUTH, yes I didn’t communicate effectively, yes I ignored her, yes I was not collaborating at ALL, yes I showed up late and was unreliable, and yes, I was responsible for a bad experience trying to get a community service project underway.

From that day forward, I was real. I showed up. It did not look all pretty and kind and sweet and adorable and dancing butterflies across the meadow.

I never pretend-talked about recipes again. I said I was sorry. I quit the project.

It was light years more efficient.

“In harmony with the Tao, the sky is clear and spacious, the earth is solid and full, all creatures flourish together, content with the way they are, endlessly repeating themselves, endlessly renewed…..The Master views the parts with compassion, because he understands the whole. His constant practice is humility. He doesn’t glitter like a jewel but lets himself be shaped by the Tao, as rugged and common as a stone.” ~ Tao Te Ching #39

Love, Grace

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Energy Sucking Needy Leeches

The other day I had a consult session with one of my favorite wise therapists.

She has forty years of experience working with human consciousness, recovery, spirituality, healing….and I trust our inspiring conversations.

We touched on a topic of deep interest: how people connect with others.

It left me contemplating human nature and all the wildly different reasons people make connection, find connection, instigate connection, resume connection or avoid connection with other people.

I love investigating whatever motivates us or inspires us to move toward or away from someone we encounter.

It may feel as simple as…”I like you!” 

(or, “I don’t like you!”)

Yet whenever I review relationships, it seems to be a lot more complicated. 

I like a LOT of people. In fact, MOST people. And every once in awhile I don’t like someone, but this is pretty rare.

I know The Work brings us tons of awareness about those irritating or creepy people we don’t like….but what about the ones we DO?

Like, what’s going on when we like someone Big Time and it doesn’t really make logical sense? Or something is slightly weird about the intensity of the contact? 

Or what about feeling sexual vibes from or towards someone, when you’re NOT actually interested in begin sexual with them?

Byron Katie has a LOT to say about seeking out love, approval and appreciation from other humans.

And how much it hurts…..sometimes.

In fact, Katie has a whole book written on this, entitled I Need Your Love–Is That True?

So….there’s someone over there, and you get a leap of energy that feels like its moving from them toward you, or vice versa, and it’s (somewhat) positive. 

Maybe physical attraction but this could be any kind of attraction. 

If it was all open, sweet, exciting and fun (like it was when I met my husband) then I think this might be called the “falling in love” phase or “creating a long and beautiful friendship” phase.

Every time we got together or interacted, we both had the feeling that getting together AGAIN was a great idea. We both felt happy, unashamed, curious and adventurous about the learning underway.

And we did NOT feel desperate. 

We had a blast getting to know each other (we still do).

One thing that was new for me at the time I met him was a deep interest in being in relationship without clingy, grabby, haunting, dramatic NEEDINESS.

Without the desire to merge.

Ewww!

I had done some serious investigation of neediness. Yowser. There were just so many needy people out there! 

They only wanted to connect with others so they could GET something from the relationship!

On my worksheets from all the men I dated, several concepts seemed to reappear, over and over:

  • he wants a mate for security
  • he needs love
  • he wants too much attention
  • he wants someone to think he’s special
  • he hates his own company
  • he wants a maid, a cook, a housekeeper (yuck)
  • he wants to have sex easily available
  • he wants money, added income, added financial benefit
  • he is needy
You know where this is going, right?

 

THE TURNAROUNDS.

I saw how I reacted when I believed these thoughts. Not pretty. Super critical.

I was even creeped out a little about who I would be without these thoughts. I was scared that I wouldn’t smell a co-dependent relationship until it was too late. 

I’d get stuck in a quagmire of two people needing each other without even knowing it! OMG! 
But oh the gold in those turnarounds. Sigh.
  • I want a mate for security
  • I need love
  • I want too much attention
  • I want someone to think I’m special
  • I hate my own company
  • I wants a handyman, an auto-mechanic, a remodeler
  • I want to have sex easily available
  • I want money, added income, added financial benefit
  • I am needy

Instead of being depressed and upset about MY OWN NEEDINESS (gasp) I found genuine examples of where these turnarounds were true, where I believed them.

Dang, I really did think very little of myself when it came to being able to earn decent money, fix my house, mow the lawn, take care of the oil changes in my car, and be attractive.
I also could feel the deep self-doubt and longing to be special.
I wanted someone ELSE to think I was special.
Only…..I knew deep down, that was not true.
When I believed the thought that I wanted someone else to think I was special, I suffered.
I was pretty ridiculously needy. And trying not to show it.
Without the thought that someone else should think I’m special?
Free as a bird. Free to be myself, totally and completely. Wildly, fabulously free.
Free to stop going down trails leading to co-dependent connections and merge-type relationships…
….free to enjoy people without stress, without clinging, without expectations.
I highly recommend it.

 

“Do this exercise for a few minutes: think of someone you are attached to, someone without whom you think you are not going to be happy….And say to this person ‘I really do not need you to be happy. I’m only deluding myself in the belief that without you I will not be happy. But I really don’t need you for my happiness; I can be happy without you. You are not my happiness, you are not my joy.’ You can say this in the secrecy of your heart. You’ll be making contact with the truth; you’ll be smashing through a fantasy. Happiness is a state of non-illusion, of dropping the illusion.” ~ Anthony DeMello

I you want to look at all the little stressful thoughts you’ve believed around connecting especially around sexuality….or the big stressful thoughts….we’re meeting for 8 weeks starting in January via telephone or skype. 

Some people are already enrolled (since I had to postpone the class due to being IN a class myself all year at that exact time, calendar confusion).

If a class isn’t for you, find a partner and get someone to facilitate you! Or sit down all by yourself and sort out your ideas. 

It’s worth it. 

Love, Grace

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True Love Doesn’t Want That Person To Change

People in the northwest near Seattle!

We have wonderful inquirers coming on Saturday afternoon for the October 19th mini retreat (next one November 30th) from 1:30-5:30 pm.

This is offered five times per year for a sweet deal….four hours of walking through a difficult situation in your life from start to finish using The Work of Byron Katie.

Everyone welcome, beginner to experienced in The Work.

Write me to see if there’s space: grace@workwithgrace.com and I’ll send you all the information, cost, registration, details.

And if you’re wondering what you would do The Work on? Maybe there is one person in your life who has kinda bugged you.

Perhaps a romantic partner, a long-term mate, or someone you once dated.

They don’t have to still be in your life for strong insights to come alive with self-inquiry.

A primary life partner and what we really think about their faults is a super crazy stressful experience for many of us.

That person does things that drive us nuts. Or they worry us. Or we feel really sad about something they repeatedly do.

Tragedy, pain, loss, anxiety….irritation!

The other day I was working with a beautiful inquirer who had a really common and very painful situation to investigate with her husband.

He drinks too much.

I’ve had people come to inquiry to look at someone they are very close to, and they don’t like that person’s smoking, their weight, their temper, their career (or lack of it), their table manners, their movie preferences, their flirtation with others, their clothing style, their friends, their home’s interior design.

I mean, this can get really petty…or it can be a Deal Breaker.

As in, if that person doesn’t change, I’m outta here!!!

The thing is, it’s rough being the one with all the opinions, looking over at that person we care about with disdain, annoyance, criticism or fear.

If that person would just change, I’d feel much better.

Uh oh.

This is a very edgy, painful, other-oriented, time and energy consuming thought.

You can feel the stress. So you know, it’s time for inquiry.

That person drinks too much. They don’t take care of themselves. They should stop.

Is it true?

Yeah. Duh. Who wants to be with an alcoholic, or a party-er, or someone who can’t be reliable, or who puts themselves in danger?

Slow it down. Can you absolutely know without a doubt that they drink too much, that you KNOW what it means about them, or that they should stop?

You might still answer “yes”. Keep going.

How do you react when you think this judgment about that person?

It takes up tons of energy. Mental space. I analyze the heck out of them. I try to figure out ways to help them.

It’s a drag.

Who would you be without the thought that they should stop? That you need to help them? That you know what’s best?

Who would you be without the thought that they drink too much? Eat too much? Need to get a job? Have poor taste in color choice?

So interesting…I noticed a long time ago for myself that I come back into the present moment, when I don’t believe that this person needs to change in order to make me happy.

I come back to taking care of MYSELF. I make myself happy.

Byron Katie says “skip the middle man”.

I notice that I don’t actually have much fun talking with someone who has had a lot of alcohol to drink. So I go talk with someone else. There’s a whole world full of interesting and fascinating people.

Without the thought, I stop the war. I am not against this person I adore. I allow them to be as they are.

I allow myself to be as I am. I ask if I can redecorate their living room. They say “yes” or “no” and I am happy with either answer. If they say “no” I don’t hang out in that room much, I notice.

I may ask them if there’s any way I can support them. There may be no way I can.

I feel joy being me, without the thought that they need to do anything in order for me to be happy.

WOW.

“To the ego, loving and wanting are the same, whereas true love has no wanting in it, no desire to possess, or for your partner to change. The ego singles someone out and makes them special. It uses that person to cover up the constant underlying feeling of discontent, of “not enough,” of anger and hate, which are closely related.” ~ Eckhart Tolle 

This does not mean that I don’t break up with someone….that might be very kind to me to do that.

I may get divorced, move out, move away.

But it’s done with such deep appreciation, gratitude that this person propelled me back to myself.

The feeling inside is gentleness, openness, acceptance, surrender.

Enjoying my own company.

If I happen to be with someone else, that’s just the icing on top of the delicious cake.

Much love, Grace

P.S. Our Wonderful Sexuality will now start in January on Tuesdays! This is an awesome topic for romantic relationships, and one we don’t talk about out loud much. It’s the VERY SAME as what I’ve just written about today…uncovering, questioning, and shifting all the judgments about how that person should change, and entering true love instead.

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Peace Requires Only One Person–You

The other day an acquaintance, who I only know from a monthly meeting we both attend, said to me while filling me in on her recent long travels “Now, I can’t even button up my pants, the food was so good, I’m such a pig, ugh.”

People say disparaging things about themselves all the time, but my ears especially hear the ones where they are self-critical about their weight.

I often feel momentarily stumped on how to respond.

If she could only see herself through my eyes! I saw someone worried yet capable, curious and interested in another way, in that moment.

Some of us know folks who say mean things out loud about themselves all the time: she’s my better half, I was such an idiot, I never remember the important things, I’m horrible at directions, get me around some chocolate cake and its absolutely gone, I can’t keep that stuff in my house….

….or what about our children? There they are with big crocodile tears rolling down their cheeks saying “I can’t do it! It’s too hard!”

There is a term “My heart goes out to her”.

I see a heart leaving my body and shooting over to that other suffering person, like the way the Jack-In-The-Box jumps out of the box.

BOINNNNGGGGG!

Then tears well up in the throat, a feeling of warmth and speed throughout the whole torso (maybe where the heart used to be, who knows).

Hand-wringing, sadness, I need to help, this person shouldn’t feel bad.

Examining that feeling, and seeing the connected thoughts, is a great exercise in understanding how to change your experience of Other People’s Pain.

Because it’s not peaceful. I’d rather my heart was back here, inside me.

Afterall, I need it to stay alive!

  • they are suffering and it’s hard, terrible, sad, agonizing
  • I need to comfort them
  • I should say something soothing
  • I should say something that gets them to calm down, stop being critical, changes their perspective
  • they should see that they are capable
  • they need support of SOME kind, if not me, they really do need help

This doesn’t mean that doing these things is not appropriate, natural or loving in those moments….

….it’s just watching yourself move into any kind of panic, nervousness, worry or sadness along with that person.

Is it true that this person, who is feeling bad, complaining, uncertain, scared, or even suicidal….is it true that they need help from me, from someone, right now ASAP?

Is it true that if they don’t get help, it will get worse, or the very worst WILL happen?

Yes! Something’s gotta give! This can’t go on! That person has been suffering on and off for most of their life!

Isn’t it obvious?

Hmm. Is it really true that they need help, or that you know what kind?

Is this person really a victim?

No. I can’t absolutely know that this is true.

So how do you react when you believe that they really need help, they should stop being so self-defeating, they must have support…or else…?

Oh the pain!

I’m sad! I think about them, even when they are not here. I might even think of them in the middle of the night.

I brainstorm solutions. I go through the list in my mind of who might be the best “helper”. I think things like “that person should do The Work!!” 

Yikes! It is very, very stressful!

Who would you be without the beliefs that they are not capable, they are a victim, there is a problem here that needs to be solved, that there suffering must be stopped…immediately!?

Watching, interested, focused, attentive. Looking at life unfolding itself, in the form of that person, in that moment.

Noticing that something comes to me to say, or not.

Aware that support is alive…everywhere. I’m not the one running things. I have no idea that this path is the “wrong” one for that person.

Without the thought, I also notice that I don’t flip to the opposite spectrum of reaction, either…the infamous “cut-off” approach….the “you’re a loser so I’m dropping you forever” approach.

I turn the thoughts around:

  • I am suffering and it’s hard, terrible, sad, agonizing as I look at them this way
  • I need to comfort myself, I do not need to comfort them
  • I should not say anything
  • I should say what is true in this present moment
  • they should not see that they are capable, I should see that they are capable
  • they have support of all the universe, they don’t need my personal help unless I can easily and peacefully give it

“True autonomy is not trying to fit in or be understood, nor is it a revolt against anything. It is an uncaused phenomenon. Consciously or unconsciously all beings aspire to it, but very few find the courage to step into that infinity of aloneness.” ~ Adyashanti

To find out who I really am without the belief that my heart goes out to someone…..in a painful, sad, stressed, desperate way.

Incredible. Mystery. Infinity of Aloneness.

All is well. Maybe not as scary as you thought.

“Peace doesn’t require two people; it requires only one. It has to be you. The problem begins and ends there.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love, Grace

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I Should Be Loving? Not True

I should….I need to….I have to….I will….

Most of us know from experience that ordering ourselves around doesn’t seem to work too well.

I’ve spoken with many people who have given up making New Year’s resolutions, or who have stopped putting themselves diets, or who have allowed more time for quiet in their lives where they make zero plans.

But one tricky, tricky little place of the shoulds, need-to’s, have-to’s, and making plans for turning over a new leaf or mapping out your goals is in Being Spiritual.

I shall explain.

After doing The Work for awhile, probably at least a couple of years, I had a major revelation.

There was one individual who I didn’t really have much trouble with. But I didn’t exactly like her or want to be her friend.

Her voice bothered me. I would describe it as “plastic”.

I would see her regularly at a board meeting. If she started talking I would get a sort of feeling inside like oh-lord-when-will-she-stop?

After doing self-inquiry on it a couple of times I found, back then, that I definitely judged her for being too cutesy, bright and smiley….

…..because I myself had been cutesy, bright and smiley sometimes when inside I felt angry, upset and like frowning.

In other words, I absolutely found the turnarounds to be as true, that as I looked at her, the fake-nice thing I perceived in her that came out in her voice was actually something I had done, many times.

And then it dawned on me that I expected myself to be drawn to her, consider her a friend, and say “yes” to her if she asked me out for tea.

I had believed for a very long time in the following shoulds/needs/have-to’s/ and that I ought to “will” myself to be more spiritual:

  • I should love everyone
  • I need to be nice, soft, unassuming, humble
  • I should say “yes” if people ask me to spend time with them
  • I have to be polite, say thank you, excuse me, and I’m sorry
  • I will pray, meditate, read spiritual books and get myself together as a loving, enlightened, good human
  • I should at LEAST accept everyone (if I can’t get it together to love them)
  • I shouldn’t be so nit-picky, mean, judgmental, rude, bossy (even on the inside)
  • I need to apologize, be sweet, kind, generous, charitable, and self-less
  • I have to be spiritual!

The bumper sticker did not say “What would Grace Bell do?”

It said “What would Jesus do?!”

Because what I would do was mundane, or stupid, not quite good enough! Or unloving! Or selfish! I must train, train, train in spiritual endeavors!

Phew!

So let’s take a look.

I need to love (or accept) everyone.

Is it true?

Yes! That would be awesome! A loving person would not hate someone’s voice. How petty is that? Jeez, get it together!

Is it true that you should not have preferences, that you shouldn’t be repulsed, or attracted to people?

Is it true that you should love everyone?

A spiritual teacher called Mooji once said during a satsang that when Jesus went into the temple where people were busy selling things, which he found disgraceful, he was not exactly there to be loving.

Word has it that Jesus knocked over the tables of the merchants.

Gandhi called for the British to withdraw from India and led a huge national protest.

Rosa Parks refused to give up her seat on the bus.

Well, now that you put it that way….

…..No, it’s not absolutely true that every moment I should love and accepteveryone.

How do I react when I believe the thought that I should?

I notice that I have a limited definition of “love” and “acceptance”.

I think it’s supposed to look sweet, kind and gentle. I think it’s supposed to mean saying “yes”.

When I believe that I should be “loving” I am thinking I should not be angry. I should not interrupt. I should send cards. I should say please and thank you.

When I believe the thought that I ought to loving and accepting, I don’t speak up, I avoid people who bring up negative feelings inside me.

I also think everyone else around me should feel happy and good, in my presence!

I get up out of my seat on the bus because that’s the way everyone has done it and I don’t want to cause a ruckus.

When I believe that I should be loving and I think I already know what loving looks like, I don’t say “No, I do not want to talk to you. No, I don’t want to go out with you” when that’s what is really true for me.

So who would I be without the thought that I should love everyone? That Ishould be accepting at all times?

I would be free to be myself….not someone different.

I would be here, today, in this body, in this personality, noticing that I really find that woman’s voice over there unpleasant.

I also don’t like heavy metal.

Without the demand that I should love everyone, I’m back over here in my own business, noticing that I like blue more than red.

I turn these thoughts around about love and acceptance, and notice, this is real, wild, open freedom:

  • I should NOT love everyone, when I don’t
  • I need to be abrasive, hard, strong, forthright, fiery
  • I should say “no” if people ask me to spend time with them and I don’t want to
  • I have to be honest, and say thank you, excuse me, and I’m sorry only when these are TRUE
  • I pray, meditate, read spiritual books because I am already a loving, enlightened, good human….and none of these things are necessary
  • I do accept everyone (if I can’t get it together to love them) and it doesn’t mean I have to hang out with them or like them
  • I should be nit-picky, mean, judgmental, rude, bossy–these qualities bring awareness, they are fascinating!
  • I only need to apologize, be sweet, kind, generous, charitable, and self-less if these things arise naturally
  • Everything I am IS spiritual!

“No one who thinks ‘I should love myself’ knows what love is. Love is what we are already. So to think that you should love yourself when you don’t is pure delusion. Isn’t the turnaround truer? ‘I shouldn’t love myself’. How do you know that you shouldn’t love yourself? You don’t! That’s it, for now. The truth is no respecter of spiritual concepts. ‘I should love myself’—ugh, on what planet? Love is not a doing. There is nothing you have to do. And when you question your mind, you can see that the only thing that keeps you from being love is a stressful thought.” ~ Byron Katie

WOW! Not trying to be spiritual? Not trying to be loving and accepting? Just seeing what the actual truth is?

Yes.

Maybe a little scary at first, but it is OK. It’s very exciting.

You might start your own little personal revolution.

You might ask yourself with loving curiosity “What Would I Do?”

Much love, Grace

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What is Happy For YOU?

If you’ve ever done The Work before, you’re familiar with the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet (check out this link HERE to get one right now).

It’s the first part of the work, where you actually identify what stressful thoughts are running in your head, and write them down.

However, there’s a pre-first-step BEFORE this one.

Before you do anything else, in order to narrow the field, weed out the thoughts, and get clearer on the jumble of stressful thinking going on in the mind….

….you bring to mind a stressful situation, a difficult time, a troubling person, a rough encounter.

Since no one has had a really constantly low-key, uneventful, peaceful life…you will remember many stressful situations, maybe hundreds.

But for this very first step? You pick just ONE.

You may have experienced loss, death, frustration at work, unbearable anxiety, a broken heart, an illness, a rough relationship, divorce, physical injury, fear about your kids….

….the list can be long, with many characters and issues and stories ofsomething being stressful.

But the best help in the world you can give yourself for deeply looking at your inner condition and getting yourself off the Stress Roller Coaster is to pick ONE TROUBLING SITUATION.

Even if it leaves out 852 other stressful topics. Just pick one for today.

Then, once you have a vision of that situation, the one that makes you frown, or feel sad, or hurt, or angry when you think about it….you fill out the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet.

Which brings me to the wonderful exploration I love: the fourth question on that Judge Your Neighbor worksheet!

What the heck would really, really, really make me happy, in that agonizing situation?

How would I have liked it to go, instead, if I got everything I needed?

The focus is on what would make YOU happy in this situation.

Not the other person, or other people, involved.

YOU.

Which brings us to the most fascinating exploration of all: what do we mean when we say “happy?”

I recently remembered something Byron Katie mentions from time to time. That we often imagine what we need or want, in difficult situations we’ve experienced, that would make us feel relief, safety.

We know what would make us happy in that difficult situation so that we would feel better.

But we don’t always consider what would make us ecstatic, life-changing, thrilled, joyful, complete, resolved, or truly happy.

I can relate.

Why go for all that wild, crazy unimaginable joy? I just want to feel OK and not so terrified, I’ll take what I can get.

If I could just feel some stress reduction, I’ll be OK. Beyond that I might never get true happiness, I might never achieve it.

I don’t want to dream of true happiness but NOT EVER get it in this situation!

It would be impossible to achieve it anyway! That situation happened in the past, it was terrible, and now its over! Happiness and that experience do not mix!

And yet….

….everyone has experienced a moment of true happiness. Just like the way we all have lived through stressful situations, we’ve lived through very happy ones.

I love remembering the joy of feeling satisfied, accepting, healthy, calm, relaxed, fulfilled, peaceful, trusting, or full of love.

On that question four on the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet, while you remember a painful situation…it’s wonderful to identify what you believe you really, really need in order to arrive at happiness.

It’s a golden key to discovering what you believe about happiness, and by comparison, see how that situation you’re thinking about didn’t match your idea of happiness.

If you’re having trouble remembering when you have felt full of happiness, watching this clip from one of my favorite all-time movies may inspire you.

Keep going, keep inquiring.

Happiness is present, here and now. Telling a joyful, happy story is possible, even when encountering the “worst” situations.

The moment of Happiness
The moment of Happiness

Much love, Grace

 

 

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Forgiveness All The Way To Thank You

Awhile ago I was out in the city and I ran into an old friend. We stood and talked awhile, traffic and noise zipping past, delighted to see each other.

She mentioned another mutual friend. Someone with whom I had experienced a great confusion and misunderstanding long ago.

From the conversation, I learned that this old friend, with whom I have not had contact in many years, is not feeling very happy.

In fact, he’s unhappy about the same things that he used to be unhappy about when I talked with him regularly.

I also learned that NO, this old friend from the past actually never mentions me, doesn’t seem concerned, and has moved on…..entirely.

I chuckled later.

What? You mean he’s not tormented inside, unresolved, wanting to address what happened, ready to make genuine amends, feeling guilty, wondering about MY life and how I’m doing?

You mean he never even thinks about what went down?!

Some people appear to be able to drop uncomfortable dynamics and let bygones be bygones.

Others of us….heh heh…might run into someone on the street one day and afterwards find ourselves thinking about some difficult and painful situation with someone we knew from twenty or thirty years ago…

….and have all the feelings well up as we recall the scene. We’re sad, angry, or frightened just remembering it, all over again.

We might not feel the full blown feelings to the same height and same intensity, but still…there’s a clench of melancholy.

That didn’t go well, that was a terrible experience, I’m glad that’s over, I could never be that person’s friend again, I don’t ever want to have a friendship end on a bad note again.

Even if the painful situation or exchange with someone was long ago, if it gives a little pinch of OUCH when you think about it, if it feels like you don’t really wish that person 100% joy, or there’s a little dig of feeling like it serves them right that they aren’t happy….

….then time for The Work.

Time for a little Mind Surgery.

As I think about that person, I call up the WORST, most awful, stressful, difficult moment with them.

When were my feelings the biggest, most shocked, most troubled? When was the hardest moment?

Here’s the funny thing. The WORST moment was when I was all alone, reading a piece of paper, when I learned something had been said about me, thought about me, believed about me.

Can I absolutely know it’s true that the moment I was having awareness that someone on the planet was not in favor of me, who I loved, that this was a TERRIBLE experience?

Can I really know that I don’t ever want to have a friendship like that ever again?

Am I sure it didn’t go well?

Amazingly, I am not sure.

It went the way it went, and I already know, from doing The Work on this before, that there were incredible advantages that came out of that experience.

I became more certain, clear and directed in my own personal life about money, friendship, commitment and saying “yes” or “no” than I had ever been in the previous forty years or so.

My personal integrity got really clean and crisp. I said goodbye to drama.

But now, revisiting this person in my mind, in my memory of them…even with all I learned from that experience, can I know that they are not worthy of my blessings, my gratitude, my acceptance?

What was that little dig inside that said “good!” when I heard he was unhappy?

Am I sure that I need to hold back my good wishes for their amazing life?

I think this is what Byron Katie means when she says “forgiveness is when you realize that what you thought happened, didn’t.” 

Who would I be without the thought that the person deserves to squirm with discomfort, or be unhappy?

I turn the thought around about how I feel NOW, in this moment, today, as I recall that person’s image in my mind.

He gave me the most incredible gift, I am grateful for that experience, he helped change my life for the better, he played a part for me so that I would make the climb to the high road, and take it.

Without that difficult person, I would never have stepped up to the plate and hit a home run.

That person and all the life circumstances line up and said “PLAY BALL!” And I did.

I learned about loss, acceptance, betrayal, forgiveness, honesty, reality, consequences, trust, and true love.

“Our nature is to love, and we’re believing these thoughts that are Horrors, so there’s opposition going, it’s duality. It’s simply how this wild ego stays identified, as ‘I am a victim of the world’…. if it’s a friendly universe, it’s gotta be a win-win, not a lose. This is tough work, and there’s only one thing tougher, and that is NOT finding resolution.” ~ Byron Katie

Thank you, amazing friend. I wish you the best life ever, I wish you joy and freedom and success and deep happiness.

I am willing to go through something like that again, I look forward to going through something like that again.

No forgiveness needed.

Only thank you.

Love, Grace

 

 

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He Called Me Ugly!

A man on a blind date once said to me “I find you ugly”.

In our society, this is generally considered soooo rude, right?

In a flash of him saying it, my stomach felt nauseated, my chest felt hot, my heart beating, my face flushed and turning red.

I felt like a caged animal. I gotta get outta here. Yet I was frozen in my chair.

I tried to control my tears with all my might.

Like this fist came in a said “whatever you do, absolutely do NOT SHOW that his statement has affected you.”

So first, the painful statement….then….I also have to deal with my own inner commander telling me not to allow him to see the pain.

I see that situation as an amazing one for understanding now. So blunt, so direct, so confusing!

Many of us aren’t around people who say caustic things very often, or make stabbing remarks, or yell, or cuss at us.

And when there are pretty uncommon and punchy words, it’s surprising!

So let’s examine this situation.

Why is it disturbing, anyway? Seriously? I mean, what’s wrong with ugly?

You would have thought from my inner immediate reaction that he was about to kill me, or that he punched me in the stomach.

But there were still two people, sitting on chairs in a coffee shop. That’s it.

He just hurt me.

Is it true?

Physically, no. Space and calm were everywhere around, air, mugs, tables, other people, floor, dust, napkins.

So is it true that he hurt me emotionally? Is it true that his words were painful?

Yes, although, hmmm. If I were deaf, or if I didn’t actually HEAR those words, then I would have remained comfortable.

My interpretation of the words was painful. I believed he was saying many other things, besides “you’re ugly”. I believed it meant a whole suitcase load of very painful truths.

So I didn’t actually really know that HE just hurt me.

No. Not absolutely true.

How did I react when I believed the thought that he hurt me?

The suitcase of stressful beliefs exploded open about other people (especially men) and their preferred opinions of me.

I thought his words meant I was unworthy, rejected, hated, disliked, worthless, unimportant, and cast aside.

I thought his words meant I was not measuring up in the attractive department, and therefore I would be single, alone, and lost for the rest of my life.

Wow, so much, so instantly, from one comment.

If he had said a piece of art on the wall was ugly, would I have had trouble breathing?

So who or what would I actually be, in that very moment, without the belief that he hurt me, or he shouldn’t have expressed his opinion, or that I am worthless?

A whole world opens up of beliefs to review. A whole world of freedom becomes possible.

Wow, all that time I thought I was supposed to be beautiful, in order to be liked! OMG!

All that time I thought I was supposed to be admired, that men were supposed to find me appealing, that I needed their approval!

Without the thought that I need him to think I’m pretty, or that I need a man, or that I will be alone, or that I am rejected and worthless in this situation….

….I hear his words, and they enter me and pass through me instead of gripping me in the chest like a piano just fell on my head (like in the cartoons).

Without the thought…I might have asked him what he sees, what makes him say that right now.

I might have learned a lot (actually I did, later, when I did The Work).

I turn the thought around.

I have not just been hurt by him….I have been hurt by my own thinking.

Being ugly to someone does not mean that I am rejected, worthless, or that I will be alone forever.

And what about my own opinion of myself? Don’t I look in the mirror and find flaws, for most of my life?

Wouldn’t I absolutely love to still adore myself, even though I find parts of myself ugly sometimes? Do I notice how I love other people even though I am sometimes repulsed or frightened by their appearance?

Isn’t it actually far truer that I do adore what is inside me, and inside others?

Can I love myself in the presence of this human, who just hacked apart my ideal fairy tale version of this situation?

Haven’t I always wanted to be free to be whatever I am, and end the War on the Body and Appearance and Striving For Perfection?

Well…I just lost. War Over.

Nice.

“Through you, I come to know myself. Without you, how can I know the places in me that are unkind and invisible? You bring me to myself. So, sweetheart, look into my eyes and tell me again. I want you to give me everything……if you say one single thing that I have the urge to defend, that thing is the very pearl waiting inside me to be discovered.” ~ Byron Katie

Much Love, Grace

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I’ll Control You By Avoiding You

When someone is described as really “controlling” we often get an image of a person being bossy, condescending, critical, snappy or sharp with their words and tone of voice.

They’re trying to run things! Order everyone around!

That person is so freakin’ rigid, pushy, domineering, opinionated! They should stop it!

But what if there’s other, more subtle forms of being controlling, that look pretty different than that obvious way?

As in, the opposite.

What if someone looks easy-going, compliant, passive and without any opinion?

Could they be controlling, too?

Um, yeah….that sounds familiar somehow.

Uh oh.

Long ago in my graduate program studying human behavior someone who is “controlling” was defined as someone attempting to do, say, act or even feel certain ways in order to make a situation safe, or to manage how people treat them, or feel about them.

This could be never looking, talking or directing attention toward someone as a way of punishing them for being mean to you, or for scaring you, or disappointing you.

Or jumping into the care-taking role to help that other upset person be comfortable ASAP, lest there be scene, or an emergency, around the corner.

Or speaking as little as possible, dressing certain ways so you look acceptable, and NOT jumping into anything just in case someone judges you.

Yikes, heh heh, gosh.

Suddenly, flashing before my eyes are all the times I descended into a fog of fear, looking down, away, folding my arms, drawing back, crossing the street, having my heart rate explode when I ran into someone.

In third grade, at age 8, a boy secretly left me a love note and a gift. How bold!

I changed my walking route every day on the way home so that I never ran into him again. It scared me half to death.

I couldn’t ask him “What the heck are you doing? Can’t we just be friends? Do you want something?”

I used to even feel nervous about entering a party, being in the room with so much noise, chaos, energy and Other Humans.

So there that person is, who you would actually really like to control. In other words, you’d prefer their behavior to be loving, smooth, and not alarming, intense, or hurtful!

It feels stressful, you feel anxious or angry, you think you could get surprised.

Perfect situation for self-inquiry. Let’s do The Work.

That person should remain calm, stay away from me, stop paying attention to me, leave me alone, be gentle, not say anything mean….

Is it true?

Yes! I’m curling myself into a ball like a sea anemone! Danger! Danger!

Can I absolutely know that it’s true? Can I know I’m in danger? Can I know I would be hurt if I’m out in the open, being judged by them?

Can I really know they’re demanding, that they want something, and that I can’t say No Thank you?

No. But I sure feel anxious.

How do I react when I believe that person is dangerous, too much, and I need to be careful around them?

Or they might hurt themselves, and I think that would be sad?

Or I’m worried about what they’ll think of me?

I clam up. I never share publicly, with lots of people listening. I don’t raise my hand. If caller ID says it’s them, I don’t answer. I hover in the back of the room.

I ruminate, I defensively think “I won’t let that person control me!” I leave and slam the door. That’ll show ’em!

Sigh. It takes a lot of energy.

So who would I be without the thought that I’m in danger in any way whatsoever or that I need to be, act, feel, speak or think a certain way to control the outcome?

Woah.

I see that person, a shot of adrenaline zaps through me, but I’m not against them, or against the past, or so sure I need to build a wall, or resist, or defend.

Without believing it’ll be bad if I make contact, I don’t feel compelled to make things easier, softer, simpler, quicker, kinder….

….I rest. My body opens, my mind opens. I might look around or look at that person and see a human trying his or her best.

I surrender, I feel willing to have whatever happens be.

I might even say “I’m really scared right now, I felt scared before around you, and I’m anxious when you approach me.”

At a party, without the thought that I need to be careful so others think well of me, I get to look around with curiosity, happiness, play.

If I have a question, I raise my hand.

I notice that without any worries about outcome, or concern for the future, I’m very present, right here in the moment. I’m having big feelings and I’m not trying to control them.

A huge major wonderful side-effect is no urge to compulsively use anything in an addictive way to stop big feelings, if I’m not worried about how others will feel if I have them.

“Inquiry appears to be a process of thinking, but actually it’s a way to undo thinking. Thoughts lose their power over us when we realize that they simply appear in the mind. They’re not personal. Through The Work, instead of escaping or suppressing our thoughts, we learn to meet them with unconditional love and understanding.” ~ Byron Katie

When I meet my thoughts with love and understanding, I meet those other troubling or Big Energy people with love and understanding…

…not escaping or suppressing my encounters with them, or with Reality.

I might say yes, I might say no, I might disengage…but that’s very different from avoiding, manipulating and planning escape routes.

“The Master does his job and then stops. He understands that the universe is forever out of control, and that trying to dominate events goes against the current of the Tao. Because he believes in himself, he doesn’t try to convince others. Because he is content with himself, he doesn’t need others’ approval. Because he accepts himself, the whole world accepts him.” ~ Tao Te Ching #30 

Turning it all around, I see that…ahem….who is the person who is full of Big Energy, feelings, judgments or fear of myself, in that situation?

Yeah, that would be me.

Much Love, Grace

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I Need Him To Feel OK

A very stressful belief, held by many at various moments on the planet, is the concept “I need that person to feel OK.”

Boy howdy, that’s a juicy, sometimes wildly painful belief.

Our Tuesday YOI (Year of Inquiry) Group examined this thought together this morning.

Wow, awesome.

There is your friend, your mom, your dad, your boyfriend, your wife, your child, your client…..and they are depressed, weeping, lying in a hospital bed, in turmoil over a loss, they are worried, angry, nervous, upset, they just got emotionally hurt.

There’s an urge to rush in, assist.

It really does seem like it would be better if that person felt OK, felt good, felt content, felt open.

Questioning this belief does not mean you are cruel, cold, or uncaring.

In fact, without this belief, you may find that you are more genuinely caring than you ever realized…but let’s take a look.

First, are you positive that you need that person to feel good, better, different than they feel in order for you to be happy?

Can you absolutely know that it’s true that if he, she, it, they felt OK you’d be better off?

The fear that enters the body and mind when a loved one gets hurt, let’s say pretty badly, can be infused with this belief.

Maybe their feelings are hurt, maybe their body is hurt…this is noticing the anxiety, panic, anger, and your own hurt that becomes present, sometimes almost simultaneously, when you learn that this person you love is hurt.

So how do you react when you believe that thought, that this situation would be better if they were OK?
When I believe this thought, I am going to find out what will resolve their “hurt” and stay on the job until I find the answer. I call them. I think about them. I read books about their condition and nod. I rush in.
I come to the rescue.
I think thoughts like “he really needs to….” or “she should get help from….”
In the past, I had a great friend who had a major huge mega-watt amount of anxiety. His story, or my story, was that he had a rough life.
How did I react when I believed that I needed him to feel OK?
First, I tried to rescue.
Then, I ditched him. I believed I couldn’t take it anymore. I quit!
But who would you be without the belief that this person needs to be OK? That they are NOT OK, even with whatever is going on?
“My beloved sister is dying of cancer now, and she is in the very painful last stages of agony. Watching my sister’s husband watch his wife in such dreadful pain would be agonizing, if not for the enlightened mind, the questioned awake-to-love mind….
 
…..Oh, how I love her, and how opposite of helpless I am. I am the power of love, and there is nothing more powerful than that as I find myself sobbing with her. Who would think that love is that grateful, that deep, that overwhelming, and tear-filled! As I sob, the joy within, the joy that is born out of my love, blind in its clarity, runs deeper than any sadness could ever begin to, and it is allowed to live at its depth, a state that fear is too shallow to explore and must always fall short in its emotion to express.” ~ Byron Katie
Without the belief that other people need to be OK in order for me to be happy…
…I am free to love, express, breathe, connect, be honest, authentic, caring, overwhelmed, untethered, real, genuine….and stay or go.
I turn the thought around that I need him to be OK, I need her to be OK.
I don’t actually need that. I am living this life over here, in this body, apparently.
I can see advantages, even, to that person not being OK as I look at them:
  • they are encountering their own fear and growing stronger through it
  • they are capable of getting through this
  • they are learning about life
  • they are freer
  • they are experiencing something profound
  • they are changing
  • they are dying (or some part of them is dying) and therefore on their way to a new dimension, new life…
And while that person is not OK, I can turn that whole entire list around to myself and find the incredible gift in that person appearing as they appear in my life:
  • I am encountering my own fear and growing stronger through it
  • I am capable of getting through this (their pain, my pain)
  • I am learning about life
  • I am freer
  • I am experiencing something profound
  • I am changing
  • I am dying (my stories or otherwise) and therefore on my way to a new dimension
“The ego creates stories to convince you that you cannot be at peace NOW, you cannot be fully yourself NOW.” ~ Eckhart Tolle  
How might you be when you are with those sweet, amazing, suffering people if you knew they were actually OK?
Much Love, Grace