Category: Relationships

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Everyone’s A Valentine

The big hand of the clock clicked in place in my kitchen, 7:00 am Pacific Time. The room was still, and my headphones were on, ready for my usual Tuesday morning session.

My laptop did it’s little sing-song ring at the top of the hour, on the dot.

This woman and I had been working together for three years. She hardly ever missed a session.

We could see each other on skype.

“I’m having the same thought again….it isn’t going away.”

I told her to tell me her stressful, sticky, painful situation….and while it was technically new, the same characters were involved as in the past.

Doing the very same things as before. Saying the same things as before.

Here was a new “situation”. New proof. Proof that her belief was true.

He is financially irresponsible.

Her boyfriend. He had debt, bills, a gambling history, had asked her for money and not paid it back, owed rent in five days, had his wages garnished, and was driving a car without a license.

Now, before you roll your eyes and say that Mr. Boyfriend is a loser….like many others in this woman’s life….notice what your own thoughts are about this situation.

She should break up with him, she’s not getting it, he is indeed irresponsible, he’s bad news, there’s something wrong with this, or with her, or with him, she is getting hurt….these thoughts of hers should go away. 

I watch how a little voice in my mind immediately comments that it knows what is best.

I know what is best for my client, my friend, my child, my parent, my neighbor, my boss, my co-worker, my spouse.

Especially when someone has a long, repetitive, difficult story where they are reporting that they are suffering.

She should move on, she should quit what she’s doing.  

I had another client once who was already broken up with a lover, yet pined for him endlessly. A year had gone by since the end of their relationship. She had entered The Work to try to get over her heart-break.

But every week, she said she felt the same way.  

I miss him, I hate being alone, I can’t go on like this, I wish I felt differently, I think about him all the time.  

That person should get over it!! Quit doing that!!

Is it true?

Of course! They should wake up, snap out of it, grow up, “get” how to inquire on this, stop hurting themselves, question their thinking, have a shift of consciousness, quit suffering.

Can I absolutely know that it’s true?

No. I do not know their timeline.

I would have loved to snap my fingers and end my eating disorder at age 18, right when it started.

I would have liked to notice that I was in a really volatile, caustic relationship the first weekend I ever went away with that man, but it went on for the rest of the summer and then stretched with several other encounters into the future for a couple of years.

I would have liked to see that one man I had been friends with was a complete raving addict in the first months of knowing him and completely 100% unavailable for any real and genuine connection.

I would have loved to see that the best choice for my kids and family was simple public school instead of being obsessed and fearful for four years about their education.

I’ve had a few repetitive, ongoing, persistent beliefs.

Could I stop them? God knows I tried.

How do I react when I believe someone should get their friggin’ act together and stop believing their repetitive thoughts?

How do I react when I think thoughts should STOP?

Pissy.

When I think I know what’s best for someone….and they aren’t doing it….I feel really irritated. Or I’m frightened, and sad.

I believe I must not be helping, which is also disappointing.

I get angry, I sulk, I threaten, I worry, I wring my hands, I’m anxious.

I see pictures of the future with them feeling horrible, suicidal, dead.

But who would I be without the belief that this person should STOP THINKING THOSE THOUGHTS!??

Without the thoughts that they should do something different than they are doing…..or faster, or smoother, or with more joy, or power?

I would feel the deep compassion of Not Knowing. The Mystery of their human condition.

And I would speak honestly. Because I would have no agenda or expectation or thought about what should happen, whatsoever.

I mean, how could I possibly know anything more than this loving connection, here in this moment, being here now.

“Have you noticed it’s hopeless to dictate peoples’ awareness or behavior?……Reality doesn’t wait for your opinion, vote, or permission, sweetheart. It just keeps being what it is and doing what it does. ‘No! Wait for my approval!’ I don’t think so! You lose, always.” ~ Byron Katie

Turning the thoughts around: she should keep thinking those thoughts, she shouldn’t change, he should suffer as long as he does, I shouldn’t think these thoughts about them, I should break up my thinking (about them)….. 

Everything relaxes in an instant. I love the sound of this person’s voice, I love her sincerity, her deep commitment. I honor her dilemma, I’m here with her.  

It’s 7:05 am. 

“If I think ‘what’s the matter with him?’ there is something the matter with ME in that moment. I’ve just put an obstacle between us. It’s only a thought, but look what my mind does with it….

…..If I don’t love you, I’ve lost my sanity.” ~ Byron Katie 

I love you dear Grace Note reader, thank you for being here and making a difference by even considering the question of who you would be without your story about yourself, about other people.

You are one amazing Valentine, no matter how many of the same thoughts you’ve had over and over.

Love, Grace

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Join Others And Let The Tao Sing In Your Life

The mini retreat is now closed for tomorrow. An employer decided to pay for all her employees to take the retreat together so we’re doing it separately with only their company.

If you had a little spark of thinking about coming…the March 8th and May 3 will be the next open Saturday afternoons of The Work in Seatown (that’s fondly for Seattle).

Whether you’re experienced or not, everyone will be welcome.

Getting together with others is not always an easy choice.

If you’re particularly introverted like me (I come out very extreme every single time I’ve taken the Meyers-Briggs test, toward the Introverted side of the scale) then your first thought about joining a group of any kind may be like mine.

Isn’t there a book somewhere on this topic? That I could read BY MYSELF? Do I have to get together with other people?

Heck, even someone on the Extraverted side of the scale might have reservations.

(As if these “scales” actually exist, but for the sake of the discussion, I will continue).

Admit it! Other people can be annoying! Or scary!

Many years ago when I had a wonderful mentor/therapist, I told her that I was invited to a party the coming weekend.

“Oh?” she replied, “How will that be for you if you don’t drink alcohol and don’t overeat any food?”

Gulp.

I told her I would have anxiety just walking into the house!

She said “Oh, I’ve had the same feeling. But remember the other people there are Human Beings. You can stand next to someone and actually say ‘I’m a little nervous about being here’. Have a real conversation.”

Wow, a real honest conversation?

What would be the worst that could happen, if you joined a workshop, event, class, group, retreat, party, gathering, trip……..with other humans?

Let’s go ahead and see what some of the stressful thoughts are:

  • someone might dominate the entire group, the conversation, or every activity with their talking on and on
  • there might be someone rude or scary present
  • I might have to talk, expose myself and have everyone hear me, or stare at me….they might think I’m an idiot
  • I could appear foolish, naive, immature, selfish, bossy, or any other quality where people won’t like me
  • someone might start crying, sobbing, freaking out, yelling, or getting really emotional….and that would make me nervous
  • somebody might be needy and start asking for attention from me or others, I might feel compelled to help them and not get what I need

Oh boy. Lots of potential dangers. It’s a jungle out there.

And I’m not kidding!

Let’s say you like the idea of learning meditation, or going to AA, or taking an art class, or going to school, or attending a party, or taking a workshop…….but you hesitate.

Is it true that there could be someone else who dominates, controls….or someone needy and desperate…either of whom might “take over” the group focus?

Is it true that when I reveal my inner world, someone might be disgusted or appalled?

Well, YEAH! I’ve been in these situations before! Very uncomfortable! I wanted to get OUTTA THERE!

But are you absolutely sure you couldn’t get what you needed? Are you positive that when people judged you, that was terrible?

Are you certain that the person who stirred things up was someone you need to run from?

No.

How do you react when you believe the thought that Other People’s needs or behavior can conflict with your own?

That you might have to “deal” with tough people and it will be hard?Oh man.

I avoid groups. I keep a low profile. I don’t sign up for that many group-ish things. I run to my car when an event is over. I don’t ask friends to go with me. I put up a shield against whoever I think of as “trouble”.

And who would I be if I didn’t even have these kinds of thoughts?

If I noticed what I enjoy, and the topics I want to learn more about, and the attraction I have towards classes or workshops…. ….and I simply follow my preferences?

Who would I be without the thought that something bad might happen with a person there? Or that IF someone were difficult that’s the last thing I want?

Woah.

Without the thought that people could make me feel uncomfortable? Without the thought that something might be awkward?

I’d be excited. I’d be ready for anything. I’d say “bring it on” and join with others all the time.

I’d come and go and leave and stay with a deep freedom, something solid, no hesitation, no worries about what should or should not happen.

Without the thought that feeling uncomfortable is something to be avoided…I’d join. I’d walk through the door. I’d sign up.

Someone difficult would be the FIRST thing I’d want.

Turning the thoughts around:

  • someone might serve the entire group, the conversation, or every activity with their talking
  • there might be someone kind or very loving present
  • I might have to talk, expose myself and have everyone hear me, or stare at me….they might think I’m normal, and awesome
  • I could appear foolish, naive, immature, selfish, bossy, or willing, honest, mature, selfless, humble…and people will think whatever they think
  • someone might start crying, sobbing, freaking out, yelling, or getting really emotional and that would make me excited
  • somebody might be needy and start asking for attention from me or others, and I might get exactly what I need by whatever happens next

When every single danger could be an opportunity it’s an adventure to join with Other People.

When every exchange, lesson or activity that is presented in a group creates potential for enlightenment of my own thinking…

…I go.

Almost everything of deep value, I notice, I’ve learned by someone or something bringing it to me. I am presented it by reality, in the form of these Other People.

By looking and being with them, I am with myself.

“Let the Tao become present in your life and you will become genuine. Let it be present in your family and your family will flourish. Let it be present in your country and your country will be an example to all the countries in the world. Let it be present in the universe and the universe will sing.” ~ Tao Teo Ching #54

This universe that I let the Tao be present in includes people and all their reactions, forms, words, behaviors, dominance, neediness…whatever form they/it takes.

Oh boy, can’t wait to show up in whatever group thing is going on next.

I’ve always enjoyed being in the background, sitting in a cafe, watching people. But now, when I sit in a cafe, sometimes people watch me. It’s a challenge. But it’s usually people who want to say ‘your book transformed my life’, or something… so then I’m joyful. One moment before, I didn’t want them to recognise me, but when they do, I’m glad. ~ Eckhart Tolle

Even if you’re very shy…or maybe BECAUSE you are very shy…you may find great joy and just the right amount of contact in the upcoming Year of Inquiry.

It’s filling up. With your peeps.

Come experience the challenge and joy of inquiry with others, even if you’re shy.

(Monthly payment plans available, we meet on Fridays for a year, 3 times per month on telephone). Write me with questions grace@workwithgrace.com.

Connections of a Lifetime in YOI (Year of Inquiry)
It is really valuable to make the personal connections/friendships that we are forming in the group. They are those lifetime, special connection, we were in it together, kinda friendships. And, like The School, it’s basis is life-giving, healing, transcending. So the friendship level is a very high vibration. Like we support each other in being the best we can be, which for me means the most peaceful/loving we can be, (rather than the most successful in society’s eyes we can be.) It reminds me of the bonds/friendships I formed in seminary.~ YOI participant, Oregon  

We start March 7th.

Love, Grace

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Best. Relationship. Ever.

The other day, a new friend shared with me that a relationship expert and mentor she very much appreciates told her if you feel attraction to anyone over a six on the richter scale….

….run the other way, fast.

In other words, if you’re getting thrown off kilter, toppled over, if the ground is moving….DANGER DANGER! 

It made me laugh.

I’ve had a couple of those off-the-charts explosive attractions.

Of course, when I look back, they were big invitations for expressing true love….and I didn’t always do that.

Let me explain.

I totally get why a relationship expert would joke that runningaway if you feel Big Crazy Love might offer a better outcome than running toward.

Thank goodness for the Tuesday Year of Inquiry group this past week. We’ve been looking at attraction, sexuality, dating, romance for the past month…

…and the power of the group connecting together to hear each other’s thoughts and work in inquiry together was soooo valuable.

I’ve had this feeling about intense feelings not only with romantic flares, but others as well.

People in our YOI could relate.

That person should settle down, not move so quick, relax, quit acting so excited, stop being so intense, stop pushing, asking, inviting, showing up, calling, emailing, texting, pestering, returning. Get a grip!

It’s too much! They should back off!

Many years ago when I was in my twenties I was in an office building at the end of the day. It was 5 pm and pitch dark. A north American winter.

I had just been getting to know a man I met in an improv theater class. We had gone out to dinner and had a great conversation for hours.

Leaving my job, I got a phone call from him at my desk.

I had told him where I worked but never given him the number. He had looked up the organization in the phone book, called the main reception, and tracked me down.

I laughed and said “no problem” but I had just a wee bit of a weird feeling, or a question, or a slight spark of alertness.

I ignored it.

The building emptied out, people waving goodbye to me as they passed my door, and soon I was the only person left.

I continued on the phone with my new friend, flirting, joking around, but then he said “Hey, I just got to your work, I’m parked out front.”

Uh. Too much. Too fast. Too intense. Not invited.

Fear raced through my veins.

I said I wasn’t done working, which was actually true, but I normally wouldn’t have stayed at my office to finish my tasks that day, I would have taken them home.

After some light conversation, he told me he was leaving.

I stayed at my desk for 2 hours, until the janitor arrived. I was frightened.

Let’s see what it would be like if back then I had The Work.

Is it true that it’s too much and therefore he should back off?

Yes. Then I wouldn’t have to say anything, or notice how much I don’t like this.

I want him to change, I want him to chill.

Can I absolutely know that it’s true that he should? Am I sure that he should be different, rather than me?

No. Rats. I thought it would be easier for the other person to change.

I don’t like where this is going.

How do I react when I believe I need to escape, it’s too much, I can’t handle it, they are too big, loud, noisy, overbearing, scary, intense…whatever that other person does TOO MUCH of?

I squirm. I get really frightened. I run. I avoid.

But who would I be without the thought that he was too forward, too pushy, too grabby, too full of assumptions, too…..too?

I love this question. So beautiful. So fun.

There that person is, being chaotic, busy, wild, excessive, extreme, surprising….and you do not have the thought that there’s no way to handle it but to run for the hills?

I’d feel clear, direct, focused, aware. I’d tell the truth.

I’m surprised you’re here. It feels strange to me. It’s odd that you tracked me down at work, I don’t want to talk with you while at my job. I can’t see you right now. I’m uncomfortable with what you’re doing. I’m not able to meet you. I hear you, and my answer is no. 

Even parents have trouble with their thoughts and a screaming child, along these lines.

Who would THEY be without the belief that it’s too much, too big, too loud for them to handle? That their kid is wrong for being the way they are being, and should stop, NOW?

“We perceive something as an enemy, when all we need to do is be present with it. It’s just love arising in a form that we haven’t understood yet…..Your enemy is the teacher who shows you what you haven’t healed yet….(and that doesn’t mean you have to invite them to dinner). No one can be my enemy until I perceive him as threatening what I believe.” ~ Byron Katie

I turn the thoughts around: they should be this way, they are not too much, I can say yes or no and be totally honest, I am receiving good information, there is no disappointment, upset, or defense needed.

I am safe, clear.

If that form is love arising then I am love arising too.

Complete freedom. No need to be against them. Honest expression. Truth.

I speak with strength from my heart, with love that is like a strong rod, rooted in the earth. I care for myself, I care for them.

“Negative feelings are in you, not in reality. Stop trying to change reality. That’s crazy! Stop trying to change the other person. We spend all our time and energy trying to change external circumstances, trying to change our spouses, our bosses, our friends, our enemies and everybody else. We don’t have to change anything. Negative feelings are in YOU.” ~ Anthony DeMello

Thank you Big Crazy Love for showing up. It showed me every time where I needed to be more real, gentle, expressive, kind…

….and to express my own big crazy love, not just for that other person, but most of all, for me. 

What would it be like if YOU were your number one biggest fan, and you held yourself, took care of yourself, loved and trusted yourself, did the kindest thing you could imagine for yourself, rescued yourself, in the presence of that tough person?

Best. Relationship. Ever.

With love, Grace

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Who’s The Boring One?

Next Saturday: Mini retreat for anyone 1:30-5:30 pm 2/1 Goldilocks Cottage Seattle. Beginners and experienced all welcome to come do The Work…your work. Question your thinking, change your life. Supplies and snacks.

*******

This is boring. 

How many times in your life have you had that thought?

Sometimes it’s got a friendly feel to it, like when a good friend leans over to you at a school lecture and whispers it, and you both smile.

Sometimes it’s got a little more punch to it.

Like when you’re at work in a meeting and fifteen employees stand up to talk about their new department reports one after the other. Yawn.

Sometimes…it’s more like “this is soooooo freakin’ boring, I’m gonna rip my eyes out!” 

Heh heh.

Not that I myself would be so impatient.

But since I notice a little, uh, aggravation accompanying this aggressive thought, let’s do The Work.

First, when does that thought rise up most of all? When does it feel the strongest, the surge of frustration, the wave of irritation?

SOOOOOOOO BORING!!

Is there a person involved?

Because for me, there’s always another person involved.

Some people think it’s boring to be sitting somewhere all alone, waiting for their turn perhaps, waiting to board the train, waiting for the forms to get filled out.

But that’s never really that boring.

In that situation, I’m always staring at all the activity, the people, the room, the furniture with a sort of fascination. I don’t mind waiting.

No, for me….the Boredom Attack comes on when I think Someone Else is extra crazy boring.

  • How can he talk endlessly about how he wants a girlfriend, for so many years?
  • She always has the same problem….her mean neighbor and other rude people
  • Him and his drunkalogues and drinking escapades….so annoying
  • He never stops mentioning his need to lose weight
  • Oh here we go again with her about her husband and how boring HE is

In that moment, the voice inside my head is “bored” with the other person’s story.

So how do I react when I believe that they are telling a boring, repetitive story?

I think they should be quiet, give it a rest, stop complaining, DO something about their “problem” for once.

Is that true that they should do something, quit bellyaching about the same thing over and over again, move on?

I have no idea. It’s not absolutely true.

The way I react is inside, I’m rolling my eyes, I pull away, zone out, tune out, think about how to get outta here, away from their moving lips.

But I don’t say anything I’m thinking.

Wouldn’t want to be rude. Or mean.

Who would I be if I didn’t believe that they should do something, stop repeating their story, and put an end to telling me about it?

Wow.

Without the belief that they are a problem?

I’d listen. I mean….actually really listen, and then move on myself.

I might say “I’ve heard you speak about this before, several times. This is really important to you and it sounds like you have no idea how to sort this out. How can I help?” 

Right in the middle of their sentence I might say “I’m going now”and go to my next interest.

Without the thought, I hear them telling their story and don’t feel serious about it.

I don’t believe their story is absolutely true, even if they think it is.

I notice where I am drawn, what I find appealing and exciting and pleasurable….and I go that way, naturally.

I turn the thoughts around:

They should not quit yakking on and on about the same thing, I should. They are not a problem for me. They are expressing themselves the best they know how. They shouldn’t do something to fix their problem, I should do something to fix MY problem—with THEM. 

If I really lived this turnaround, opened to a new way of being instead of being so positive they are boring….

….I would realize how boring I am.

I say the same thing EVERY TIME about that person.

I behave the SAME way. I go foggy and start figuring out ways to exit the conversation the way I always do.

“The human condition is characterized by a compulsive and obsessive personal relationship to thought……You must become more interested in the Unknown than in that which is known. Otherwise you will remain enslaved by the very narrow and distorted perspective of conceptual thinking. You must go so deeply into the Unknown that you are no longer referencing thought to tell you who and what you are.” ~ Adyashanti 

In that moment when I think someone is boring, who is the boring one?

Because in reality, this is the most fascinating, creative, mysterious, bizarre world, along with everyone I encounter.

When that supposedly boring person is talking, I might simply move towards something else, walk away.

Or suddenly feel like going over to them and giving them a big bear hug.

With love,

Grace

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Never Lose Love

The other day I was talking with a very close girlfriend on skype, me in my very, very familiar position now lying back on the bed, pillows propping my head, keeping the pressure off my right sits bone, ice pack under my right thigh.

I was not feeling frustrated at all….like, not one dash of annoyance or shake of irritation, about my physical condition.

I was listening, intently, with great curiosity.

We were talking about relationships, love attractions.

She said how in the past she always was attracted to the man at the party who had some kind of brooding darkness surrounding him.

Wry humor, edgy appearance, hip, the color black.

Then she said she could relate to the wonderful speaker/writer Danielle Laporte who says “I used to have a contentious relationship with joy”.

I’ve heard others speak of this before. I happen to have read The Four Man Plan seven years ago about a scientific approach to dating for women.

In her book, author Cindy Lu jokes that it’s helpful to question yourself when you haven’t had the best experiences in partnership ….“remember, you suck at love”. 

It’s not a criticism, but a mantra about not holding yourself back, about listening to your own inner voices and seeing if you really believe what they are saying.

It’s saying “now, now, remember…you’ve had some stressful beliefs running that are not exactly easy, helpful or LOVING when it comes to relationships…so don’t jump to conclusions about that man!”

As in, what I’ve done so far hasn’t exactly been the most blissed out love-filled dream.

As in, maybe your mind isn’t seeing the whole, complete picture.

Oh! Right!

Into my own mind suddenly flashed from my past, images followed by waves of interest, curiosity, attraction: black leather dude, rich independent dude, James Dean dude, alcoholic witty dude, muscled physical labor skateboarder dude, angry anti-establishment dude, depressed movie star Robert Downey Jr dude.

That man is attractive. 

Is it true?

Can I absolutely KNOW that it’s true?

Yes….Wait….No.

How do I react when I believe that thought that the dark brooding is attractive (or whatever your version of attractive is)?

I feel a magnetic pull in that direction, but I’m not sure it’s fun, or has integrity, or is peaceful or kind. It’s dramatic, searing, wild.

I forget about joy…innocent, childlike, playful joy.

Who would I be without the belief that what I’m seeing is attractive?

Nooooo! If I give this definition of “attractive” up, I won’t feel attraction ever!

I’d be bored, normal, compromising, bored…..and….bored.

Really? Are you sure?

Byron Katie writes about what happens when you believe you are calling the shots, when you’re in control…when you’re fighting reality….

….and what it would be like to question your thinking, to let go of your ideas of what is true:

“The alternative is to expect reality NOT to follow your plan. You realize that you have no idea what’s going to happen next. That way, you’re pleasantly surprised when things seem to be going your way, you’re pleasantly surprised when they don’t. In the second case, you may not have seen what the new possibilities are yet, but life quickly reveals them.” ~ Byron Katie 

My friend and I laughed, as she imagined being open to alternative ideas about men, dating, and who is attractive or not attractive.

To be open to joy, inside herself, no matter who she was looking at.

No expectations, no demands, no plans, no control.

Attraction, repulsion….if either one causes stress, doubt, anxiety….

….question your story and see who you would be without it.

“Love is a state of Being. Your love is not outside; it is deep within you. You can never lose it, and it cannot leave you. It is not dependent on some other body, some external form.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

With much love,

Grace

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Daring To Question The Great and Powerful Oz

It was a hushed, late night, pitch dark outside. The house was very quiet except for my clicking fingers on my keyboard, and the glowing light of the laptop screen.
I was writing my heart out in email.
I was sharing with a friend my response to her challenge the day before, also written in email, that I was doing something she felt uncomfortable with in my wedding preparations.
She told me she didn’t feel the celebration contained the formalities she thought important. She thought we shouldn’t call it a wedding if we weren’t going to actually get a license.
The night was quiet. It was very late, after midnight. Very unusual for me. I couldn’t sleep because I just couldn’t stop thinking about her email I had received, that I was now replying to.
My inner immediate reaction (not the email I wrote in reply) to her email was, on first read, something like this:
“She doesn’t know me at all! She doesn’t understand me! I thought she was less conservative than this! She wouldn’t bring this up if I were gay…what a hypocrit! She’s not the person I thought she was! She’s such a snob! Forget her–she can GO TO HELL!”
 
Yes, it was that mature.
My stomach tightened, my heart sped up just a little, a shot of adrenaline zinged through my arms as I grasped what she was saying and read her words that she did not agree with what I was planning for the ceremony.
She thinks I’m not being HONEST? How DARE…….
 
……Ooops. 
 
I have an automatic timer that goes off when I begin to say the word “how dare you/she/he/they/this….”
Because I know I’m being totally, completely, utterly defensive.
How dare they? Like they should be afraid? To dare question the Great and Powerful Oz Grace Bell?
As I couldn’t sleep, I knew it was time to inquire.
Stressful thoughts were multiplying. I was beginning to question the entire friendship.
Is it true that she doesn’t know me? That she should know better? That she’s too conservative? That she’s not the person I thought she was (in other words—WORSE than I thought she was)?
Is it true that she should go to hell?
Argggh! But! This is wrong! She shouldn’t be so contrary! What does it matter to her how the ceremony goes, how it’s recorded or planned, what traditions are included, whether it’s an official license or not (my husband and I weren’t sure what we even wanted at that point)?
She’s in my business!
Gulp.
Is it absolutely true? Is she not allowed to speak up? Is it true that if she says what she thinks, she’s a snob?

 

No. Deep breath.

I am in favor of people telling the truth. Whether it hurts or not. I love the truth. I adore real, passionate, heartfelt words.
Communication at the core, authentic, most truthful level is my FAVORITE THING. Um…usually.
And even when it’s not, my closest friends are people I connect with and talk with with complete openness, even if we’re afraid.
How do I react when I believe someone is speaking against me, challenging my core beliefs, threatening me in some important way?
I want to write them off, get away from them, cut them out of my life, ignore them, act nice but back out of the room slowly.
Or I might wish they die in a plane crash, off the top of my head. I mean, I want them DESTROYED.
I feel really afraid, even if my reaction appears angry on the inside. I know that what I am…..
…..is terrified.
But who would I be without the thought that she was frightening? That she was wrong, critical, too conservative, and a snob?
I would realize that she brings up excellent agonizing questions, that the whole nation is actually debating. Whether to get a marriage license or not, to declare assets together as a business/economic entity or NOT.
(And I love equal rights for everyone).
In my heart I was getting married with a deep emotional and inner value of commitment. But I KNOW emotional commitments are enormously likely to change over time.
They are more likely to change that to remain stable.
And my past experience is that when the relationship grew more distant (in my previous marriage) that the economic end of the marriage was eventually dissolved.
It’s called divorce.
So for me, there was NOTHING stable about committing to marriage on paper, with the county, the state, the nation, one other human.
My friend expressed my deepest angst and anxiety about what was true for me. I did not know. In fact, I had no idea if this whole marriage/commitment thing was good for much of anyone.
My inquiry was ultimately with the government, laws, marriage, and what I had learned socially. I was mad at my society and my conditioning. And mad at her for learning the same conditioning.
Sigh.
Who would I be without the thought that she shouldn’t speak her mind? That she isn’t expressing something important, meaningful, and loving?
I would read and re-read her email, and see that she didn’t call me names, she didn’t berate me, she was loving, kind, direct and caring.
Without the thought that this was wrong….
….I relaxed so deeply, knowing that there is no absolute answer. I have no idea what the future will be. There is no future.
And after a wonderful discussion with my soon-to-be partner that day after I received the email, I searched online for marriage licenses “just to find out what’s involved these days” with this thing I am not even sure I agree with.
Oh. The offices to get licenses just happened to be about 2 miles away from our home. And this one night of the week, only on Tuesdays (it was Tuesday) it was open later into the evening. It was open right then, for another hour.
So my partner and I said to each other “Let’s go over there and get a license. What the heck?”
So we did.
Turning my thoughts around, I saw that I was the snob, I was the conservative one, she was freer and more liberal in that she could express herself to me.
And what did it matter if she were not the person I thought she was? I wasn’t thinking well of her in that moment….so….good. I was not the kind, generous person I thought I was.
Thank you everyone who has “dared” to tell me honestly what they think. Even if it sounds mean. Even if I don’t like it, or feel quite desperately frightening by it.
That dark night, after inquiry, after my stimulating discussion with my now-husband, I wrote an email full of honest love and gratitude to my friend.
And then pushed SEND.
“When I don’t look for approval outside me, I remain as approval. And through inquiry I have come to see that I want you to approve of what you approve of, because I love you. What you approve of is what I want. That’s love—it wouldn’t change anything. It already has everything it wants. It already IS everything it wants, just the way it wants it.” ~ Byron Katie
With love,
Grace
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Could This Bad News Be Good?

It was very late on a Sunday night. My house was extremely quiet. Only the sound of the baseboard heater turning on and off occasionally filled the living room with a low hum.

I was making my second cup of tea. I was nervous, and my mind packed to the brim with thoughts of an anxious nature.

Wondering….what if? How about…? 

I was deep into the process of separation and divorce, but it all seemed fairly new. Like a sharp right turn was taken in the road when I expected the landscape to be flat and smooth.

My house was sometimes completely empty, like that Sunday, when beforethis change, on any given Sunday night there were my two children, my (former) husband, maybe even more children, nieces and nephews all sleeping in various rooms and formations throughout the house.

For the entire weekend, at that time many years ago, I had been alone in the house. And, for that entire weekend, I had been out of touch with a man I was newly dating.

I had texted, called, emailed. No response.

Unusual, I thought….and yet, I also hadn’t even been involved with this person for very long. So what was “usual”?

But I had a feeling of great unrest.

  • he’s with someone else
  • he doesn’t care about me
  • I am getting abandoned (again)
  • I can’t handle this
  • I am completely, fundamentally, alone

I slept horribly that night.

The next day, this man did indeed let me know that he had been with someone else and spent the night with her.

We had no agreement, rules, plans, expectations or conditions for this “relationship”. I couldn’t even say it WAS a relationship.

And yet….I felt nauseated, grief-stricken, exhausted and disappointed to a depth I could hardly fathom.

I also knew how to do The Work and question my thinking, and enlist support to do so.

I called in sick to my job, called up one of my dearest friends who facilitated The Work, and asked for her to facilitate me. I also arranged for 3 other people to facilitate me every two hours for that entire day.

I got to work. I wanted to know the truth for myself. I didn’t understand why my pain was so deep, despairing and intense.

Is it true, that he shouldn’t have been with someone else?

Yes, yes, yes. I felt like sobbing, I was so disappointed.

But could I absolutely know that it was true, that he shouldn’t have been with someone else? That he should have called me sooner? That he should have told me he was interested in other people?

No. I can see how I wanted the world to line up so that I wouldn’t be sad, upset, or rejected. Ever.

And I could not absolutely know what was right for me, what was best for my future. I could not know what was best for him, or for his life. I couldn’t even know that him spending a weekend doing whatever he wanted to do MEANT that he was rejecting me, that he didn’t care about me, or that I couldn’t handle it.

I mean…jeez. I had so much wrapped up in his behavior and how BAD it was for me…but I had no idea that it WAS bad for me, really.

So I didn’t know if it was true that he shouldn’t have done that.

How did I react?

Like it was the worst thing ever. Like I got punched in the stomach. I took it very, very personally.

Until I considered who I would be without the thought that he shouldn’t have spent his weekend the way he did?

Without the thought?

Holy Moly! I was sooooo free. Open, curious about whatever was next. Ready to see what happened. Clear. Noticing what works for me, and what doesn’t. Noticing my preferences with joy. Happy for him.

Excited.

I turned the thought around “he should have been with someone else this weekend”.

I got to become aware of my mind that was so damn sure I was being abandoned, not cared about, unable to handle this, and deeply, fundamentally alone.

I am set free, I am cared for and loved, I can handle this, I am not alone.

Could all these things be as true, or truer?

Yes.

In those moments of doing The Work, I was sharing intimately with the most fabulous people, I was handling my situation very well indeed, (I was surviving it for sure), I loved myself with all my heart, I had the beauty of silence and a sense of magical energy all around me, full of possibility.

If you’ve ever felt the fear and pain in heartbreak, I hope you can find this also to be true: everything is waiting for you.

The books, the dresser, the silence, the faucet with water pouring out, the telephone with friends asking powerful questions through it, The Work, the bathtub, the tea cup, the wooden floor, the roof, the air all around….

….the future is waiting for you.

That should have happened.

Because look what is here all around me, in this present moment.

Heaven.

Everything is Waiting for You

Your great mistake is to act the drama
as if you were alone. As if life
were a progressive and cunning crime
with no witness to the tiny hidden
transgressions. To feel abandoned is to deny
the intimacy of your surroundings. Surely,
even you, at times, have felt the grand array;
the swelling presence, and the chorus, crowding
out your solo voice. You must note
the way the soap dish enables you,
or the window latch grants you freedom.
Alertness is the hidden discipline of familiarity.
The stairs are your mentor of things
to come, the doors have always been there
to frighten you and invite you,
and the tiny speaker in the phone
is your dream-ladder to divinity.

Put down the weight of your aloneness and ease into
the conversation. The kettle is singing
even as it pours you a drink, the cooking pots
have left their arrogant aloofness and
seen the good in you at last. All the birds
and creatures of the world are unutterably
themselves. Everything is waiting for you.

  — David Whyte

Much love, Grace

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Listening To God

Last night the YOI Thursday group gathered together as we do on the phone to stop, and inquire.

Such a simple concept “I need him/her to be considerate”.

Oh the wrath! Annoying, frustrating….sad!

Daughters, mothers, neighbors.

One of my favorite parts of the inquiry was drilling into the meaning of consideration.

Why would I care about that person being considerate? How do I know that they aren’t being absolutely, wonderfully, whole-heartedly, brilliantly considerate?

What’s my proof?

What does it mean when someone is acting like that…whether leaving their hair in the drain, parking too close, or yelling and screaming and saying very painful things?

Finding what you believe, going in for the truth, can be the most wondrous investigation.

If that person wasn’t doing that thing (that I’m calling inconsiderate) then I would be happy, I would be safe, I would be relaxed, I would be loved, things would be easy, things would be smooth.

I wouldn’t have to face “x” if only that person were more bloody *&)$%^ considerate!!

Who would I be without the thought that she wasn’t considerate? He wasn’t considerate?

Wow. There that person is, doing this, saying that, being who they are…

….and I am here, watching it, without the thought that they are failing to consider me, or others.

Inside, without the thought, I feel open, spacious, rested, curious.

I might speak, I might move towards them, I might remain quiet, I might see what is outside the window.

I turn the thought around that I need her to be more considerate, to the opposite.

I don’t need that. She shouldn’t be, he shouldn’t be. 

I entertain this possibility. Once again, here I am again, back here with myself, feeling all the emotions, the love, the care, the concern, the draw to intimacy, the way this person has brought me alive, passionately, with energy (even if it’s rage).

I need to be considerate of myself, I need to consider her, I need to consider him. 

Yes, I need to drop this fight, I need to end this argument, I need to thank this other person, I need to move closer to them, I need to love, to trust.

“Everyone is God speaking. Why not be polite, and listen to him?” ~ Hafiz

Love, Grace

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I Should Have Helped Her

This past weekend the sky was mostly gray, the leaves were mostly gone from all the trees and in thick clumps along the street, and my mind was mostly busy with thoughts that appeared random on the surface.

When my mind is buzzing then often there is a little anxious thought or two moving around, often related to the past or the future (they always are).

In the middle of many images and ideas, plans, thinking…I remembered a young professional woman from Europe who I worked with several years ago.

She had been involved with a man who had decided it was time to marry, but not her. She wasn’t the proper type for his family and what he wanted to preserve as his tradition, so he needed to move on.

She had been devastated, even though she had known already about his beliefs and family and that she didn’t fit into his tradition as a mate.

Her story brought out difficulty for her….but what she noticed about doing The Work was really interesting to me.

We had a couple of sessions and then she said “It’s not working”.

She told me she went right back to pining, longing, desperation, isolating, curling up in bed and crying about this lost relationship….

….even after finding great internal relief through doing The Work.

It’s like it didn’t “stick”. It didn’t really make a deep, ever-present change.

I suggested she attend an in-person retreat, go to The School, immerse herself in self-inquiry.

She never came back for another session.

I wondered about how she was doing and what else had unfolded in her fascinating life….and I also wondered about what is going on that she didn’t really get The Work.

Then I realized….this is time for ME to do The Work….not her.

  • I should have helped her
  • she was too stuck in her story
  • she didn’t go deep enough
  • she wasn’t truly questioning her beliefs
  • I want her to have what I have
  • I should have explained it better
  • I was missing something

Is it true that I should have done a better job, that I should have offered it differently? That I didn’t help her, and I should have?

Yes! I want every single person to get at least a spark of insight, but preferably a massive wave of awareness, of enlightenment…

…..I want them to end their stories, and feel the relief, the change, a stunning new way of looking at the world, at their entire lives.

They should feel a shift!

Really? Seriously? Everyone?

Well…no. No.

No one I have ever known or heard of has ever touched everyone in a way that produces awareness, enlightenment, freedom, relief.

Not even the great spiritual masters.

What am I even hoping for?

It all seemed suddenly very odd, all the thoughts I’ve ever had about helping other people, providing support, hope, a shift, some kind of change, a different perspective.

All these results have nothing to do with me, actually.  

How do I react when I believe the thought that I need to support, help, or provide some kind of shift or change for someone, and they are not experiencing one?

I feel like a failure, like I’m missing something, like I should be better, like I should say the right thing at the right time.

I think about the woman’s work and her despair, her worksheets, what we did The Work on and if there was a way I could have assisted her in getting to a different core belief.

I rehash her issue, her situation.

It’s not very kind, or easy, inside my own mind.

People feel this way sometimes when they’re dating, and someone says “no thanks”. Or when they’re interviewing for a job, and the employer says “not you”. Or when they’re getting chosen for a team and they’re chosen last.

So who would I be without the thought that someone saying “no thanks” meant I should have done it different, better, that I was missing something, or a failure?

Sooooo very grateful, full of wonder, smiling as I remember that lovely young woman.

Excited to continue the journey. Noticing the incredible range of people who show up to do The Work with me….the many situations and experiences they have.

Aware that there are so many healing modalities, practitioners, ways of working, methods, teachers….

….I myself have benefitted from so many. Not only The Work. The world is full of incredible creativity and offers so many ways to unravel stories and pain.

  • I should not have helped her
  • she was NOT too stuck in her story, I was too stuck in my story that she was stuck
  • she did go deep enough, she was so honest
  • she WAS truly questioning her beliefs, I wasn’t truly questioning my beliefs
  • I do NOT want her to have what I have, I want her to have what SHE has
  • I should NOT have explained it better
  • I was not missing anything

“No one has ever been able to control their thinking, although people may tell the story of how they have. I don’t let go of my thoughts–I meet them with understanding. Then THEY let go of me.~ Byron Katie 

“Can the inner weather be seen as impersonally as the outer weather, or do we imagine that the inner weather is my doing: my fault or my triumph?” ~ Joan Tollifson 

Oh boy! Any “no thank you” simply shows me the way reality moves.

Beautifully.

Love, Grace

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Open Your Heart To Jealousy

Many years ago I found out someone didn’t like me at my job.

I kinda knew this person wasn’t exactly fond of me, even though we didn’t know each other very well. She seemed to act weird around me, like trying to one-up me or making comments that sounded a little mean.

Then I found out from someone else why.

Jealousy.

This wasn’t the first time, either.

When I was a kid I had three younger sisters. I was naturally FIRST at a bunch of stuff. I went to school first, piano lessons first, girl scouts first, roller skating first, on stage for the school holiday play first.

I also always said “I DIBS FRONT SEAT!” when everyone had to get in the family ford van to go somewhere with my mom. I was never challenged.

I won most board games, or hop scotch, or jump roap. When you have a few years’ edge on your siblings, you can’t help it.

And sometimes, my sisters got really mad. “It’s not fair! How come she gets the best bedroom in the house!” This protest came up maybe…twice. In my entire life as a kid.

It makes me cringe a little now…because of the way I made darn sure no one knocked me off my #1 place. I was sooooo bossy. My attitude towards my sisters was “Don’t mess with me! I am the leader! Oh yeah!”

Not exactly good for close, supportive, connected relationships with my sisters.

When I heard that this woman, who seemed very stressed around me, was jealous….

….part of me had this reaction:

  • what is her problem?
  • jeez, she is so insecure!
  • what a loser
  • she shouldn’t compete with me
  • she should be kind to me
  • she shouldn’t be jealous
  • she should think I’m awesome
  • she is so uptight
  • how annoying!

I was all full of attack thoughts and I practically wanted to quit my job at that moment, or do anything possible, to NEVER see her AGAIN!

And I could feel how unloving my reaction.

She shouldn’t be jealous of me. She should like me.

Is it true?

Yes. That is such a waste of energy, so uncaring, so divisive! It builds such a wall between us! She is so so mistaken! She should STOP!!

Can I absolutely know that this is true?

No. Gosh. Funny how I’m overlooking my demand that SHE needs to change in order for ME to be happy. Heh heh.

No. She should be herself. There’s something important going on inside her.

How do I react when I believe someone shouldn’t be jealous of me?

Afraid! I want to avoid them. I want to put more space between us. I’m scared of her assumptions. I don’t like her not liking me, this is terrible.

This is a Snow White emergency! That evil queen so full of jealousy made everyone’s life miserable!

In high school, if I ever had this thought and I was scared someone was rejecting me because of jealousy….I tried to act overly nice, sweet, sugary syrupy extra over-the-top pleasant. Or I was kind of frozen in their presence.

Please don’t reject me! I’m not that great! I have problems!

Lordy! So much energy directed towards this person and the fear of their not accepting me…and sad when the reason they don’t like me is because of something apparently positive.

So who would I be without the thought that she shouldn’t be jealous of me?

I would remember that everyone has their own life of feelings, thoughts, perceptions….and I am not the boss of them.

Without the thought that she should stop? She shouldn’t reject me?

I’d see her as doing the best she can.

“Do you really want to enter the room in which someone’s feelings are formed? Do you want to control his mind, to barge in and insert the thoughts and feelings YOU want him to have? Is it even possible?” ~ Byron Katie 

Wow.

I realize how I am demanding that this person NOT have the feeling they have. I discover how afraid I am of someone else being jealous.

I suddenly realize how I’ve believed my whole life that people shouldn’t be jealous, even when it’s NOT about me! Jealousy is evil!

I turn the thought around: She should be jealous of me. 

How could this be as true or truer than my original belief? What’s an example?

Weird….it’s hard to find at first. I think more about “jealousy”. What is it?

The dictionary defines it as suspicious, resentful, envious….it gives an example in the dictionary in a sentence: “she went into a jealous rage”.

Without the story that jealousy is evil and that it means people will KILL, I notice that I am OK, so is she. Everyone is fine.

I notice that as I feel more centered inside myself, and not her, I feel free to be me. She doesn’t have to like me. She doesn’t have to stop.

“Life is surrounding you with people and situations that stimulate growth. You don’t have to decide who’s right or wrong. You don’t have to worry about other people’s issues. You only have to be willing to open your heart in the face of anything and everything, and permit the purification process to take place.” ~ Michael Singer

Yes, it is good that she is jealous of me because I can practice the deepest compassion. I can open my heart.

I can un-do this story, for me.

I shouldn’t be jealous of her. I shouldn’t be jealous of myself. I shouldn’t be so concerned with jealousy, period.  

Simply stopping the incessant comparison. Stop defending. Stop protesting.

Jealousy isn’t safe…..is it true?

Oh. Maybe that’s a fairy tale.

Love, Grace