Category: Relationships

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If You Knew You Wouldn’t Suffer In The Future

I love the magnificent group of people who have signed up for Summer Camp.

One person joined even though she can’t make the three live sessions per week, just to share on the forum and listen to our inquiries.

As one camper said….I’m so excited by the idea of Camp….

….because you just show up.

Sometimes, that’s a huge step and all you need to do, to begin a movement towards something in your life that you know feels important.

Even if from the outside, it looks like a baby step.

You go to a meeting, you ride your bike on a different route, you show up at someone’s party whose house you’ve never visited, you enter a different store, you enroll in a trial dance class, you park your car in a different place in your home town and take a walk.

Only once. We’re not talking for weeks or months or years.

What’s the worst that could happen?

You may think things like “I might be disappointed, it may be a waste of time, it may be a waste of money, I won’t feel better, I won’t like it, why bother.”

These thoughts are great for self-inquiry.

This past weekend I spent a good portion of Saturday afternoon working. At 8:30 pm, feeling complete, I could have started reading a book (one of my favorite things to do) but instead, wanting to show up, my husband and I went to a friend’s gathering….

….about four hours after the appointed start time. We went anyway.

We had a ball! Good conversation, happy welcome, lovely connection with friends and stayed up until 1 am.

If you have a pull towards something, it doesn’t mean that the thing you try will be the best thing you’ve ever done in your life…but how sweet to question your thinking that would prevent you from showing up.

Is it true that you MIGHT be disappointed? That it might not be fabulous? That you would waste something (time, money) potentially, by going?

Yes! Of course that’s true! Disappointing things have happened, and they may happen again!

But are you absolutely sure?

Interesting question.

It seems impossible to know whether you would love or hate something, before it happens….

….but I notice how the thought “I might not like it” is NOT hands-down absolutely without-a-doubt true. Not at all.

And what if it’s not even a risk?

Freedom to come and go, trust myself and any process that unfolds in front of me, be there or move away, no expectations….

….ahhhhh. Now that’s more relaxing.

How do you react when you believe that thought that you may have a bad time, later?

Very, very careful about trying anything new. Suspicious. Nervous. Anxious. Afraid. Isolated. Worried about being worried later on. Good lord!

And without the belief that I might experience trouble, later?

Suddenly I’m more present. I’m here now, looking around. Noticing how free I am in this moment.

Without the belief that I might be disappointed later on, so best not rock the boat….when I look at past disappointments I can look more deeply to see if they REALLY were as bad as I think.

“Egoic consciousness is always pretending to be the most important thing that is happening. And yet there’s this thread, this sense of something other than, deeper than, more real than, more essential than this scattered and divided noise that so many human beings live in, in their minds. And right in the midst of all that, there is a presence, there is an awareness, an unconditioned awareness, an unconditioned consciousness. Right in the middle of this conditioned mind, conditioned consciousness, is this shining, unconditioned essence.” ~ Adyashanti

Turning the thoughts around: I might have a fantastic time, I will enjoy myself, I’ll like it, it’s not possible to waste money or time, I’ll feel better, I’ll learn something.

All just as true, or truer. 

In this moment right here, now, I notice that as I consider the turnarounds I’m happy, content, safe, open, curious, aware, learning, growing.

I can notice this about even the tiniest thing, the smallest proof of peace, here in this moment right now. Even if two seconds before I was remembering disappointment, or worried about things not going well tomorrow.

“Who would you be without the thought that you’re going to suffer in the future? This moment is all there is, and I can promise you that it’s all there ever will be. You’re standing in your future….You’re living your future right now. How are you doing? This is the only moment there is, everything else is imagination.” ~ Byron Katie

So today, I show up, here. This moment. Looking around and noticing how beautiful my surroundings, how fascinating, how everything just keeps getting better and better the more I relax.

The best of all, you are showing up too. You’re here, right?

That’s enough.

Much love, Grace

P.S. You can still join Summer Camp. Great people to meet and connect with for doing your work. Write grace@workwithgrace.com if you want to come on board.

 

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The Teacher You Need Is The One You’re Living With

The spring air was sweet, the rhododendrons bursting with ecstatic pink and red colors, the green everywhere all vivid and boisterous.

I went to a special event with my 17 year old daughter where someone showed up in the row in front of us who I went to college with, someone else in the same row recognized me from a long ferry ride six years ago, an old neighbor ran into me at the end in the aisle. I loved being there, the air was happy.

My daughter and I grocery-shopped and exchanged comments on how much we loved that store, everybody smiles there! So homey!

All was well!

Until…

….a little after returning home.

After happily unpacking groceries, checking emails, and doing a few other tasks, I went out to the garage looking for my husband, to say hello and see how his morning went.

When I opened the door of the garage, the loud sound of hockey on the TV, a container of friend chicken mostly eaten, an empty bottle of coke on the desk.

Instant thought: this is a waste of time and health.

Heh heh.

The moment washed through me and left as quick as a flash flood, but I remember a time when I would enter this kind of scene and act like I was under some kind of attack in the middle of a war zone, my judgment and defense was so up.

On the inside of course, I wouldn’t run screaming from the room and hide under a table. But you would think I’d been very seriously threatened, the way I was all fuming up on the inside with anti-TV and anti-junk-food commentary.

Here are some questions to ask yourself, to dissect that irritated moment and look more closely: When you see that situation, why is it bad? What’s wrong with that behavior, that scene, that person doing those things? What’s the worse that could happen, if it continues? What does it mean for you?

In my situation, it meant nothing creative is occurring, health is being jeopardized, time is being “wasted”.

Why should that person change? How would it make your life easier? Don’t immediately feel embarrassed for being selfish or hyper-critical…listen to yourself closely.

Then investigate with The Work.

The lists of needs that people have for their partners can be insanely long. People get really squirrelly about this, like even if they are seeking a mate and they are single.

I need my partner to never waste time, have good taste in music, clothes and art, eat well, maintain excellent health, be patient at all times, be creative, be successful, be wise, wealthy, unusual, spiritual, cutting edge, good conversationalist….you may have your list unconsciously placed in your mind and not even know it.

But that’s what you need…..is it true?

No.

If you answered “yes”, see if it’s absolutely 100% true beyond a shadow of a doubt.

How do you react when you think someone should be like “x” and they are not? Or you can’t even find a person who is “x”?

Annoyed, irritable, fuming, critical and vicious. Maybe even sad, disappointed and isolating.

Once I knew a woman who had complained about her husband for 15 years. Every time I talked with her, she confided in me the same complaint.

He was always passive, not romantic enough, a workaholic, bland and lacked passion.

Who would you be without the thought that the behavior you’re witnessing is bothersome, in any way whatsoever?

Yes, really.

If you never thought that was wrong, a waste, troubling or bad…for you or for them.

Pretty amazing, pretty fun. No need to control, harp, get upset, and a lightness within, a return to your own inner self.

Without the thought, I get to come back to me and simply see what I prefer in this moment. I don’t need to make anyone agree with me, I just move out of the room, or the thoughts unravel themselves and I notice how fun this game is, how playful the atmosphere.

Turning the thought around…

My thinking is a waste of time and health, not his behavior.

Yikes!

“The teacher you need is the person you’re living with.” ~ Byron Katie

The thing is, I can love with all my heart, and it doesn’t mean I need to watch hockey. But if I do, I could be surprised and curious, and enjoy it or learn something new.

Without any time and joy-wasting thoughts that I need to see certain qualities (or, I demand certain qualities) the freedom is so immense, it’s incredible.

I give up the imaginary person and notice the real one instead.

The real husband in my particular situation is one of the most happy, loving, joyful, accepting, wise people I’ve ever known. And he shows me what playing, relaxing and being looks like.

“Sanity doesn’t suffer, ever. A clear mind is beautiful and sees only its own reflection. It bows in humility to itself; it falls at its own feet. It doesn’t add anything or subtract anything; it simply knows the difference between what’s real and what’s not. And because of this, danger isn’t a possibility.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love, Grace

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Find Your Invincible Summer

Many people have been writing to me about Summer Camp for The Mind 2014……A Space Odyssey.

Just kidding about the Space Odyssey part! (Sort of!)

Because actually….being with the mind is often like entering a huge infinite space.

There are so many thoughts, perceptions, and constant incoming data and sensations all day long. The mind is logging events, information, words, pictures, feelings, ideas, assumptions, conclusions, doubts.

Trouble is…..space feels sometimes frightening (sometimes absolutely terrifying) and sometimes joyfully and wildly expansive.

But I love that venturing into this crazy frontier only needs to happen one thought at a time.

Like a meditation practice, I can sit, inquire, ponder the silence and enter the place where maybe, just maybe, its OK to Not Know.

A most wonderful, simple, step-by-step way to enter the space of the mind, full of freedom and possibilities, and love….through inquiry.

That’s what we’ll do in Summer Camp.

Here’s how Summer Camp for The Mind will work in a nutshell:

  • There will be several live dial-in options to call and do The Work with a small group of inquirers. You can be in the working hot seat, share your own answers as the inquiry progresses, or choose to listen only.
  • All calls will be recorded so if you miss, you can listen later.
  • Everyone will have access to a totally private membership site to share their work, answers, questions, comments.
  • Some live telecalls will address very common underlying beliefs. Come with an open mind, ready for exploration. You may find unexpected lightness by the end of inquiry.
  • Flat fee of $97 per month for June, July and August, you can come and go as you please. Sign up or opt-out any time.
  • Telecall times are Tuesday mornings, Thursday later mornings, and Monday late afternoons all Pacific Time. Call when it’s best for you and enter the peace of inquiry.
I’m offering Summer Camp For The Mind for you if you’re ready to try group calls without long-term commitment, if you’re interested in Year Of Inquiry but want a “taste” first of how it feels, or if you’re ready to put self-inquiry into deeper practice in your life.
Because….I didn’t do The Work once and have fireworks go off and never need or want to do it again.
Not at all. Like meditation, this has been a glorious, ongoing, steady practice.
The more I’ve played in inquiry, the easier life has become. Or, was life already easy…and I just didn’t see it that way, yet?
“In the depth of winter I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer.” ~ Albert Camus

I would love for you to join me in exploring your own invincible summer. We start online on Sunday, June 1st, and the first telecall is Monday, June 2rd. We’ll camp all summer until the end of August.

Exact telecall dates are HERE. Seven Monday late afternoons, seven Tuesday mornings, seven Thursday later mornings, all Pacific Time.

“This work is meditation. It’s like diving into yourself. Contemplate the questions, drop down into the depths of yourself, listen, and wait. The answer will find your question. The mind will join the heart, no matter how closed down or hopeless you think you are…” ~ Byron Katie

If you’ve had trouble staying steady for a period of time in inquiry. Join a tribe of fascinating fellow-investigators.

Can’t wait to meet you.

Much love, Grace

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Your Ancestors Judgments Were Perfect For You

Yesterday I gathered with many family members to share, celebrate, and uphold tradition that has been a part of our family for many generations.

Everyone’s got traditions like that. We get together (or we don’t) and it happens like this.

One thing I love about my amazing and very big family is how much they’ve changed since I began to question my thinking.

Ha ha!

I used to think they were critical, competitive and harsh. I knew they loved me, and cared about me deeply.

But I’d get sort of “prepared” when on the way to family events.

You know, kind of bolster up for probing questions, uncomfortable exchanges, annoying mannerisms.

People get hurt at those big family dinners, have you noticed?

The thing is….now, when I observe my family both in the present and in the past….they come out looking pretty freakin’ incredible.

They are generous, caring, creative, fascinating, supportive, curious, kind, direct and hilarious….just about everything I ever wanted a family to be.

And these are the SAME PEOPLE I used to feel a little frightened of, as a “group”.

Gosh. What changed?

Uh, yah. That would be me.

Family is one of the most intriguing places for inquiry ever.

People come to work with me all the time on family, and specific members of the family. These people drive them bonkers.

Here is a very common thought about family, that I used to believe, whole-heartedly 100%!

“My family judges me”…..and they shouldn’t.

“Honey, this is insanity. People should stop judging people? What planet do you think you’re on? Make yourself at home here, it’s the opposite. You come to planet earth, you judge. It’s a nice place to visit once you get the ground rules down…..who would you be without the thought that you want your parents (family) to stop judging? Playing with a full deck.” ~ Byron Katie 

Who would you be without that thought?

Stunned, it’s so different.

Not opposing what is.

There they are, being that way, being who they are and saying what they say, asking those questions, making those statements, sounding judgmental, worried, skeptical, doubtful, critical….

….without the ability to think they shouldn’t be?

Oh how exciting!

Seriously.

My family is so incredible, they have prepared me for the most perfect journey through this lifetime.

“When you find yourself being challenged, you will find yourself becoming more alert – like the light is being turned up. That’s wonderful, because then it means that whatever the challenge may be, its function is to push you into intensified Presence.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

Even my ancestor’s history, generations back, without the belief that they should be any different than they have been?

Relaxed, unencumbered, unburdened.

“Finally, you realize that you really don’t want to change anybody, not because you shouldn’t want to change them, because you just don’t. You might not want to be around everyone, but still you don’t want to change them.” ~ Adyashanti

Right now, in this moment, I turn the thoughts around: I judge my family, I judge myself….okay. 

That’s the way of it. Judging happens. Opinions happen.

Love happens….unconditionally. Once I dropped my expectations, things became better than I ever imagined possible.

And hanging out with family became a highlight of my life. They rock.

Much love,

Grace

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When Wanting More Or Less Contact Is Stressful

An inquirer wrote me recently and asked me to write about the experience of people being offended when you set a boundary.

Of course, I don’t know the exact situation and what everyone involved is thinking, feeling, assuming, wondering or feeling stress about.

But what a great situation to investigate….because I’ve got a personal example.

Let’s say you email, send letters, send gifts, call someone, make contact every so often….and you do indeed care about them, it’s not like you hate them or anything….

….but they never respond very quickly. Or at all.

Sometimes people have this experience with family members, their kids, their grandchildren, an old neighbor, someone they used to work with.

It’s a kind of dud communication. Uneventful, unsatisfying, or just nada. Nothing there.

Then let’s say….a completely different kind of communication goes on in another type of situation, where you are the RECEIVER of emails, letters, texts, phone calls, requests for coffee, how-are-you messages….

….but YOU don’t really feel moved to write back or return the call. 

I’ve had both. 

You may lean one way more often than the other, depending on your personality or preferences. 

So what’s going on when you feel trouble in either side of these scenarios?

Usually, some basic assumptions are going on….that hurt: They don’t like me, they think I have nothing to offer, he is too demanding and needy, she is too impatient, I need to tell him to stop, I need to tell her I’m giving up and won’t call again, that person is rude, they think I am rude, I need him to call me, I need her to stop calling me, scream!

So whatever your situation, whichever side of the scene you’ve been on, whether you’ve been reaching out to no avail, or someone is over-contacting you and won’t stop…..let’s do The Work.

I need to do something (speak up, set limits….something). 

Is it true? Are you sure?

Feel what is happening in your body. Are you trying to control the situation? Do you feel nervous, or afraid, or sad? Are you thinking that person isn’t safe? Are you feeling hurt?

Do you have to do something?

Well. No. I could pause. 

How do you react when you believe you have to do something about this error in communication? Whether too much or too little, for you to be happy.

Wow, all kinds of reactions. Like…FINE, I’ll stop ever ever making any attempts to contact them. FINE, I’ll delete their phone number from my cell phone. FINE, I’ll write a goodbye letter explaining how I will no longer be their friend. FINE, I’ll make myself forget about her. FINE, I’ll send an email saying Do Not Contact, No Exceptions.

But who would you be without the thought that this is not acceptable, and you needa do something about this whole communication break-down?

“True communication is communion–the realization of oneness, which is love.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

One of my favorite teachers, Anthony de Mello, speaks often of the burden of being a slave to the behavior and attitude of People. When people reject you, or praise you, notice the power they hold. Rejection may mean silence for you, praise may mean they call you back right away. 

Notice how you assess them based on their reactions, efforts, contact, appropriateness. 

Who would you be if it did not matter how others respond, or do not respond? Who would you be if you knew you were one with life, with the present moment, and within that present moment people come and they go?

Without the belief that you MUST do something to stop or start better communication……you may or may not do something, and you may enter another place of being altogether with those others. An unknown place, mysterious, clear, open to change at any moment, resting without change. 

No need for control, or being nice, or pushing, or complying.

I turn the thought around: I do not have to do anything about this communication situation. I have to do something about communicating with ME in this situation.  

There are no rules about who should communicate when, or how, or how frequently, or in which manner. 

I am moved to speak, with peace, or respond in perfect timing, or notice that I can’t actually get to all the emails I have. Nothing personal. 

“Isn’t what you really want is to meet the world, kicked back? Without the thought that you need anyone is to be open to every human being, every cat, dog and tree. And you don’t have to marry anyone just because they’ve flattered you.” ~ Byron Katie

I notice that every moment I can question my mind. I can see what my story is and see if it’s really true. Even in small (or large) communications between me and other humans. 

When I communicate with myself, with love and compassion and trust, when I care for myself so dearly and lovingly and give myself exactly what I need, I notice that I am very kind to others, very open, very interested. 

Or silent. 

If they object to how I respond to them, I might say “tell me more, I want to understand.” 

But only if I really do. 

Much love, Grace

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The Truth About Bitter Resentments

One of my favorite things about doing The Work, such a simple form of self-inquiry, is the first step.

Writing down all your vicious, nasty, mean thoughts of resentment about that other person, or that problem with food or money, or the way things are set up around here. 

You get to be a total brat. In fact, cuttin’ loose on those resentments can be quite cathartic. On paper. And it’s almost scary, even in this moment, to admit how that dark, frightened, defensive mind actually works. 

I hope that person burns in hell, I hope he fails disastrously and loses all his money and possessions, I hope she suffers and dies, I hope they get hit by a meteor, I hope they kill each other in misery, I hope they get what they deserve.

Then almost tied like a feather to the very same thoughts….sadness, grief, shame.

What’s wrong with me, that I’m so upset. I should take the high road. 

One time, early on in doing The Work and questioning my beliefs, I decided that I would write a massively, wildly, unabashedly shameful worksheet. I would tell the truth on it. 

I would write out how much I hated that person for real.

After completing a barrage of rage against the person as I held them in my memory, all written on paper, I paused as I re-read my words. Then, I suddenly realized….nothing I wrote on there was actually truly satisfying. It’s like I couldn’t really, really, really find words mean enough to describe the hatred I was feeling. 

And what I DID have written on the worksheet was questionable.  

Did I really want that person to rot in hell, burning with suffering forever for what they had done? To me?

Instead of so quickly condemning yourself for being such a mean, rotten, hurt, horrible, judgmental person….it is powerful to allow yourself to sit in those angry words and see if you really think of them as true.

People who steal, betray, or attack you (or others) are really great candidates for these kinds of raging worksheets. 

The ones whose fault it is that you’re not happy now. 

This is allowing that voice that is a total victim, who likes to blame, who wants revenge or resolution, to have it’s say. It’s there for a reason. Instead of suppressing it and feeling like a really horrible bad mean person….if you do….for even THINKING this way, why not go for it?

Because for me, it didn’t really work all that well to hold everything in and smash down my anger. I’d usually end up overeating later on. Turning and facing the actual base energy worked MUCH better, it turned out.

So let’s take a look, at a really mean thought, letting it be as it is–outraged!

He should suffer, rot in hell and die. He should never be happy. He should HURT.

Is that true?

No. Of course not. But let it be OK if YOU secretly answered “yes”. It’s called being mad. And terrified. Blowing energy outward in every direction. A big, chaotic scream. 

How do you react when you feel that extreme rage? When you have visions of that person dying, suffering, losing everything?

I know that for me….I felt HORRIBLE. I myself felt crushed, confused about where to put my anger, lost, desperate, beaten. I sat here with the feelings. I noticed they didn’t feel good. They felt like an implosion, sort of sickening, and furious.

So who would you be without that belief? Without the thought that someone else should suffer, hurt, or remain unhappy…forever?

Happy, lighter, kind…….GRATEFUL.

Turning the thought around, I see that person should heal, multiply in heaven and live! He should always be happy. He should not hurt.

Now that’s truly exciting. And true. 

“At each step and with each breath we are given the option of acting and responding, both inwardly and outwardly, from the conditioning of egoic consciousness which values control and separation above all else, or from the intuitive awareness of unity which resides in the inner silence of our being.” ~ Adyashanti 

Could it be that as I think vengeful thoughts towards someone, or others, that I feel pain towards myself?

I hope that I burn in hell, I hope I fail disastrously and lose all my money and possessions, I hope I suffer and die, I hope I get hit by a meteor, I hope I kill myself in misery, I hope I get what I deserve.

Could any of these be gifts, or absurdities, or unimportant, or not that bad after all? Just a scenario the mind is making up, with its exquisite imagination?

Ha ha, kind of crazy….but opening to these options, without terror….is funny. 

“The dark thought, the shame, the malice, meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in.” ~ Jalaluddin Rumi

Every person who ever “hurt” me taught me the most incredible things. Sitting in what they did, what I did, what happened….there is nothing but profound gratitude. Not because gratitude is the “right” thing to feel. 

It is what remains after inquiry. 

Much love, Grace

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Love Junkie Pain

Every few weeks, someone signs up to do sessions with me because they are experiencing suffering when it comes to a romantic interest.

I will never, ever be the same after doing The Work a decade ago on men. 

In a good way. 

You should have heard my original worksheet, not only on men in general (that was interesting to be so general and broad and totally prejudiced) but on men I was dating. 

One of my biggest Ah-Ha moments came when I realized….I was a total “love” addict. I mean serious junkie for that flourish of adrenaline, excitement, contact, attraction. 

Since someone I worked with recently was almost obsessively concerned with the whereabouts, the emails, texts and conversation history with a woman he knew….

….I thought I’d take a look today and these repetitive beliefs about others.

About that One Other. “My” girlfriend. “My” boyfriend. “My” spouse, partner, husband, wife, lover. 

And when they aren’t doing what you want them to do. 

My client had this Judge Your Neighbor worksheet, already filled out, when we began our session (some words and notions changed slightly just to keep everything completely anonymous):

I am outraged because she is ignoring me since we broke up. I want her to call me, text me, be open to getting together, and maintaining our friendship. She should return my calls. She shouldn’t shut me out. I need her to contact me. She is selfish, bitchy, unpredictable and cold. I don’t even want to get ditched by a potential love interest again.

He also had thrown in there a few self-critical judgments, like that he shouldn’t be thinking about her and there must be something wrong with him, for having these thoughts and feelings in the first place.

Ow. 

I then recognized, as the client was speaking, that he could be talking to me. 

A man I dated had once called me many months after our strange and volatile encounters together, kind of off and then on and then off again. He said “Hi! How are you?” and I had said “why are you calling me?” and he said “because we’re friends!” and I said “we are not friends” and hung up.

Remembering that incident, I heard the voice of this dear inquirer client, and took in his worksheet.

And then, I took a look at a quiet little stressful thought floating in my mind. This thought can cause a lot of problems, I have found, if you really believe it. 

I should be nicer.

Nice means carrying on a conversation past the point when you’re done, nice means smiling, nice means saying yes, nice means being friendly, nice means being open, nice means saying hello, please, thank you and have a good day. Nice means caring, being of service, helping, being interested.

Yikes. Ewwww.

Is it true that I should be these things?

Of course not. But it also doesn’t mean I should be against these things!

How do I react when I believe that I should be nice, and I notice that sometimes I feel these things in a genuine honest way, and sometimes I do not? How do I react when I believe I shouldn’t be nice?

Nice-ness comes and goes. 

If I believe I should be nicer or shouldn’t be too nice, then I feel stifled, nervous about falling off the Nice Wagon or climbing on it and not being able to get off! 

With these thoughts, I notice that other peoples’ feelings are super important. Other people might get hurt, other people might cry, other people might get angry….if I am not nice. Other people might get smothering, clingy, and assume I care if I am too nice. 

With these thoughts, fear and anxiety enter the room. I feel like a fake. Holding things in. 

So who would I be without the thought that I should be careful about being nice or not nice EVER?

WOOHOO! Can you feel the freedom?! 

Things become clear. Things become slow. If I don’t know what my answer is when asked a question, then I don’t answer yet. If I know, then I say “yes” or “no”. 

Without that thought, I feel very, very kind towards myself. I feel gentle to the other person as well. There is no need for niceness to happen, or not happen. There is something alive, sweet, powerful and loving, right here inside, no matter what someone else’s reaction.

“What is love? Take a look at a rose. Is it possible for the rose to say ‘I shall offer my fragrance to good people and withhold it from bad people?’ Or can you imagine a lamp that withholds its rays from a wicked person who seeks to walk in its light? It could only do that by ceasing to be a lamp….and a tree gives its shade to everyone–even those who seek to cut it down….[but] think how the rose, the tree and the lamp leave you completely free. The tree will make no effort to drag you into its shade if you are in danger of a sunstroke. The lamp will not force its light on you lest you stumble in the dark. Another word for love is freedom.” ~ Anthony De Mello

The turnarounds for me are that a code of behavior (called Nice or Not Too Nice) is not necessary. Being present feels open, unknown, yet solid. 

I love that man who challenged me, who asked to talk, and my discovery of my “no” in that moment. 

No rules, no expectations, no demands, no resistance, no pushing, no commands. The truth coming up, in that moment, out of a quiet freedom. 

Back to remembering what it’s like to not know anything. To not be addicted to love, attention, being appreciated, being praised, being liked. 

No need to be clever, full of knowledge, pious, or good. 

What a relief. 

“When the great Tao is forgotten, goodness and piety appear. When the body’s intelligence declines, cleverness and knowledge step forth. When there is no peace in the family, filial piety begins. When the country falls into chaos, patriotism is born.” ~ Tao Te Ching #18

Much love, Grace

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Complainers! Showing Us How To Love

Those people are sooooooo slow. The traffic is moving like molasses. I hate waiting. This is taking tooooo long. 

Have you ever been bugged when someone else makes these kinds of statements? 

The other day, I was working with a wonderful inquirer who had some thoughts about the way her husband complained about the traffic.

HE was the one with the stressful thoughts like the ones above. About slowness.

And he should stop saying those thoughts out loud. Boring, unnecessary thoughts.  

With frustration in her voice, she exclaimed “We didn’t even have to be anywhere soon, we were going shopping as a family! He should stop barking about something so stupid as traffic!” 

I had to chuckle to myself. Because I’ve had that thought!

That person should stop complaining, stop being so negative, get their act together, stop fussing about traffic (or whatever), calm down, chill, relax, get quiet, stop caring about “x” so much, quit being so concerned about “y”.

Really, they’d be better off. I’m sure of it.

Pause.

Are you really sure?

Yes! So annoying!

Can you be absolutely positively sure, though? Is it entirely true that they should stop complaining about that? Are you sure their life would be better, or yours?

Well…I think so, to be honest. Without all that fussin’ it seems like they’d be happier.

How do you react when you believe this thought?

Arggh. The split second their complaint is uttered I have my own, er…I guess that would be a complaint…

….oh. heh heh.

Like there’s a rush of energy that is against, resisting, defending, not wanting to HEAR those words, that noise, that tone.

But who would I be without any of these thoughts? The person utters their comment, they look distressed or flustered or upset, and I don’t have the thought that they shouldn’t be?

Hmmm. It sure does stop the mechanism of either fixing, helping, addressing or also being concerned in the same situation.

Yes, I notice a spacious feeling. A tenderness towards that person. And a detachment, a freedom from an old way of being with someone who is apparently unhappy.

I might notice, without the thought that they shouldn’t be complaining, that I listen. I wait. I hear that they wish things would go faster. They may feel afraid, worried, sad.

I may be moved to reach over and squeeze their hand. Or remain quiet. Or move away to something else.

I turn the thoughts all around: they shouldn’t stop complaining, I should stop complaining about them complaining, I should stop being so negative about them, or about myself, I should get my act together in their presence (great practice!), I should stop fussing about their fussing about traffic (or whatever), I should calm down, chill, relax, get quiet, stop caring about “x” so much, quit being so concerned about “y”.

Phew! True!

“For me, no one is too tense. They’re as tense as they need to be. Obviously, perfectly….How does it feel to give someone something without the thought that we have to please them? So we give something and our story keeps us from realizing our goodness. I hand you the cup and I tell the story ‘she’ll like me if I do that’. But if I just hand you the cup, without that story, I feel my service, my goodness and my dedication to you.” ~ Byron Katie

When I question my story that you should stop complaining so that I can feel better, I may hear your words, and serve.

Automatically. Without thought.

“How you interact with those who do not support you shows how enlightened you really are. As long as you perceive that anyone is holding you back, you have not taken full responsibility for your own liberation. Liberation means that you stand free of making demands on others and life to make you happy. When you discover yourself to be nothing but Freedom, you stop setting up conditions and requirements that need to be satisfied in order for you to be happy.” ~ Adyashanti

Thank you, complainers, for showing me the way.

Love, Grace

 

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Wiping Away That Sweet Dream In The Future

I noticed a joyful zing of excitement and happiness flash through my chest the other day when thinking about the upcoming in-person March retreat for Year of Inquiry folks.

We’ll be gathering in a month for the weekend, in Seattle.

Not everyone has met, maybe they’ve only known one another from our phone calls together, or maybe they are brand new and just starting in a few weeks on the journey.

But all of them will be coming together to question their thinking, to investigate their consciousness, their beliefs, their mindset, their complaints.

It’s intimate and vulnerable. The goal is unknown.

The hopes are sometimes huge: making it through divorce, finding a meaningful career, finding balance in the body like weight loss, quitting an addictive process, finding ease with our children and being an awesome rockin’ parent, finding a mate, making more money, eliminating anger, or fear.

People have their dreams and desires, and so does everyone in YOI. And many others.

I do too.

I’ve mentioned before that I’m a bit of an (extreme) introvert. However, I adore people. I’m good all day long without ever talking with a soul, I sort of lean that way naturally.

Nevertheless, connecting with humanity is very important to me.

Being a good facilitator of the group process, of a group organism or a family, being an effective leader, is really, really meaningful for me.

It’s my Mama Grace nature coming out.

So I have a confession to make.

I sometimes worry about my clients, my program attendees, the people in YOI, my classes….

….I want people to feel the joy of being held while they find what is just right for them on their journey, of being supported even though they are in many ways alone on their unique adventure.

I want them to feel this incredible joy of moving in their life fearlessly…even if they feel afraid sometimes (which I guess means it’s not fear-less, right?)

Sometimes this feeling has a little edge of angst.

I hope they are finding what they need, what they’re looking for. I hope they shine, I hope they take off like a rocket ship and discover who they are is dynamite!

Parents often inwardly hope this for their kids.

Best friends hope this for each other.

And what happens if the person whom you hope finds what they are looking for….doesn’t?

An excellent place for inquiry, don’t you agree?

  • I hope he feels safe, secure, comfortable, thrilled
  • I hope she feels loved, cherished, powerful, deserving
  • I hope they feel excited, bonded, content, connected
  • I hope we feel thrilled, touched, moved, evolved

How do I react when I hope for these things….and they don’t seem to be manifesting?

Humph.

Just a wee bit full of waiting. Not quite HERE.

I’m talking about the part that’s a small voice, but slightly full of wanting for these end results to occur.

Like the little kid that says “Come on everybody! I want everyone to be happy!”

A memory, an image, returns of wanting my dad to be joyful and no longer depressed, of wanting my mom to be thrilled instead of angry.

But who would I be without the these thoughts of hope?

Ahhhh….if there was no hope….

What could be wonderful about that? 

“When you become a lover of what is, there are no more decisions to make. In my life, I just wait and watch. I know that the decision will be made in its own time, so I let go of when, where, and how. I like to say I’m a woman with no future…..For forty-three years, I was always buying in to my stories about the future, buying in to my insanity.” ~ Byron Katie  

Without the thought of any hope for the future, for myself or for anyone, I enter the complete unknown.

I have a sense of happiness about the upcoming retreat, mystery, openness, and joy NOW, in this moment.

Without hope for anyone, or for me, I feel the destruction, the end of something…and the end of neediness, urgency, grabbing.

Deep breath.

This is fine, here, this reality, this now.

“Overcompensating is a way to avoid all of that and to dream a sweet dream that somewhere, someday down the road, all the pain will be wiped away.  But in that dream of getting somewhere, you avoid the pain as it arises in your experience right now or that pain or fear that might arise if you begin to see through your dream of future and your mental certainty.” ~ Scott Kiloby 

I turn the thoughts around:

  • Right now he feels unsafe, insecure, uncomfortable and frightened
  • Right now she feels unloved, dismissed, powerless, undeserving
  • Right now I myself feel bored, separate, discontent, disconnected
  • Right now we feel scared, unmotivated, unmoved, unevolved

This is what is here…can I be with this person in pain, can I be with myself in pain…without hoping it will change?

Yes.

“So the very thing you seek keeps you from the awareness of what you already have.” ~ Byron Katie 

If you’re interested in exploring, for no apparently hopeful reason, your internal world….

….join Year of Inquiry starting March 7th. I have no idea if it will solve everyone’s problems, but I do know, the journey is strange, unexpected, and magnificent.

Right now.

Much love, Grace

 

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Trapped In Thoughts For Now

A lovely inquirer at the Breitenbush 4 day retreat several years ago said she had a common “problem”.

She was single, but pining over someone.

Until this moment, I didn’t know about how much pining, longing, curiosity, and imagining had been happening in her mind.

It turned out, she had been on a sports team with the person who she dreamed of for two years.

She explained to me how she would see the Other Beloved Person running, moving, talking….and watch them. Open eyes, but quiet, from a distance, wanting more.

Two years? I perked up my ears.

That’s a long time, I thought, and a lot of opportunity to connect and get to know one another. And yet, she had never even had more than a two minute conversation with the person of interest.

Wow…I wondered what was going on?

There she was, dreaming of a potential love possibility, feeling passionate and admiring from a distance, finding pleasure at watching this “other”, but never moving towards that person to ask for more time, even a longer conversation.

Never reaching out with the question: can I spend some time with you?

And then, a wave of sadness crossed her face as she spoke with me, and she said “I tell myself I’m going to go over there and strike up a conversation…..but then I chicken out, over and over. I procrastinate. I say I’ll do it next time.”

I could see the self-criticism piled up on her back like the weight of the world.

She shared a flood of thoughts about how she never acted fast enough, she was too nervous, she put things off too much.

A great stream of self-criticism and frustration with herself came out.

I knew this is common, but tricky…because the self-attack can cover up the potential fear or discomfort we might have of actually doing something.

“We would all change if we knew how. This inquiry is how.” ~ Byron Katie 

I could feel myself agreeing with her, nodding. Yes, you should go for it. No, you shouldn’t be so careful. Yes, you should stop procrastinating. Yes, you should ask. No, you shouldn’t wait any longer.

However….what was happening, despite these kinds of ideas about getting oneself to go for it, was no action.

So was it true that this dear woman sitting with me should take action, muster up the courage to make further contact, break through her discomfort, go for it?

No. That is not what was happening.

I might think so. I might think that action would be more satisfying, that procrastinating on this further would be agonizing, that she should speak up.

But I really do not know what is best for this dear inquirer.

I remember Byron Katie talking with a woman once about similar stressful thoughts. The woman said “but Katie, I could never ask that person for attention…it would be so rude.”

Katie responded “then don’t ask”.

No prodding, pushing, cajoling, expecting.

Everyone has their own pace, their own process, their own lessons, growth, insights.

Who would I be without the thought that she would be happier asserting herself?

Who would I be without the thought that something would be better off happening, than NOT happening?

What about my own situations….when I have had the thought that I should take action, but I don’t? That I ought to raise my hand, talk, ask, make a request, speak up, offer my opinion, participate more actively?

Who would I be without the thought that I should do anything, or that it is “right” and “strong” to do so, and “wrong” or “weak” not to do so?

I relax.

Without all the ideas about who should speak up, and when, and what I think would be better…there is an open, alive, very sweet discussion.

We enter the unknown.

We suddenly can see the next layer below…the one that loves the dream, the one not wanting to risk destroying the fantasy, the one that is very simply enjoying, without further contact, a tender, sweet appreciation with nothing more required.

Without the thought that anyone, including you, is procrastinating, then this is a new moment right now.

There is no fear of failure, or a list of what should be happening. A new, empty, open moment. With an idea arising in it. A creative impulse to go THAT way, over there.

I relax commands on myself, treating myself with meanness and harshness like a dictator, and then comes a spark that I could also question the idea that I could lose.

Without one harsh thought, the next stressful thought can appear, and that one can be unearthed.

Without the thought that procrastination is happening and it is bad….this woman sees how afraid she’s been of losing this feeling in her heart of appreciation and love when gazing upon someone from afar.

I could lose something, if I ask somebody for time, attention, help, support, contact….I could receive a “no”….I could get disappointed….

….is that true?

Yes!

Absolutely 100% true?

No.

But who would I be without the thought that I could lose something, lose connection, love, kindness, appreciation by speaking up, by making a request?

Without the thought that I could lose anything….my mind is open and I’m in this present moment.

I can give you some guidance, but I can’t give you any hope. You’re hoping that it will get better at some point in the future (and I’m not saying it won’t) but it has to get better internally NOW….The situation is as it is, but one begins to form a conceptual image of oneself as failing. And as the conceptual image of yourself failing gets strengthened, you experience emotions that correspond to those mental images and thoughts….But if you were not trapped in your thoughts, you could look on this situation as an opportunity. ~ Eckhart Tolle

I love that all that is necessary (and not even necessary) is being here, present and noticing.

Instead of a risk, or a hassle, carefulness, avoidance, or worry about this situation and this thing I want….what if there is an opportunity for something to shift right NOW?

Much love,

Grace