Category: Relationships

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Calm Amidst The Stormy Thoughts

Oh so wonderful to be with Summer Campers for The Mind yesterday morning. Everyone called in from all around the world and we took a thought to inquiry that’s very common…at least it sure has been for me.

That person, place, thing, idea, feeling, or thought….SHOULD CALM DOWN. 

People on the call had the most interesting things they were choosing to look at, the things they believed should calm down.

My six-year old screaming kid, my mother when she’s locked her keys in her car, my Task Master Self that needs a clean house, my Thinking Mind, my ego, my neighbors, the rain storm, my dog, my co-worker, my boss, my suffering.

These things really should be calmer. I would be calmer if they were calmer. It’s embarrassing, depressing, discouraging, aggravating.

I don’t know what to do.

How do you feel physically when you believe something or someone should calm down…and they are really wild and riled up or busy?

It’s agonizing. My whole body is tense, clutching, terrified, or worn out. I feel like a victim of this un-calm thing I’m looking at.

Who would you be without the belief that calmness out there is required for your happiness, for your internal calm?

Woah. You mean that thing, including my mind, doesn’t have to calm down in order for me to be happy?

Yes.

It should not calm down (until it does, if it does, when it does). I should calm down. I should sink down below the flurry, the kicked up sludge on the bottom of the clear lake. I should sink into the sweet earth and find how rooted I am there.

Things are wild, then calm, then wild, then calm.

Who would you be without the belief that they really need to stay one way or the other for you to be happy?

Trusting. Giving up. Not Knowing.

“There’s never been a leaf anywhere that knows why the wind blows that way on that day at that moment. That breeze changes the orientation of your life, moment to moment to moment, simply because that’s the way life’s moving. And when you’re living in your awakened self you have no argument with the way it’s moving because it is the same as you are.” ~ Adyashanti 

So the thing isn’t calm at the moment. Can I sit and have no argument with that?

Yes. Ahhhh.

Love, Grace

 
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There Is Something Wrong

Yesterday my road trip continued. The highway stretching out, breathing in scent of pines, passing a recent accident with firetrucks flashing lights.

A big huge mountain was suddenly there in front of me rising up, with the peak covered in clouds and warm rain pattering on my windshield. Mount Shasta.

One of my teachers, Steven Bodian, once said he had many awakening moments in a silent car, lightbulb going off.

You’re traveling through space, thoughts free-floating and free-falling. Then you remember something.

Winding down the pass…I think of a family camping trip to California. I am twelve.

We are on the road for several weeks, maybe three. My dad is on summer quarter school break, my mom takes a vacation from work. My grandma is with us.

One night we are in a gorgeous campground with the Pacific Ocean stretching out below us. Tents have been set up, my grandma is in her camping chair.

My sister who is eleven and I get into some argument about where we’re sleeping…I can’t remember what it was about. But I was so angry, I take her personal suitcase full of her clothes and belongings, and dump it all over the ground and the fling the empty suitcase as far as I can.

She looks at me in shock and fury.

I run to a nearby tree and climb it, up, up, up and sit there and peek down below at the destruction.

She’s telling my parents what I did and beckoning them to come see.

Now…here’s the part that still has a tiny edgy memory of shame.

My dad starts looking for me, but I say nothing and don’t come down the tree. I feel sick.

The seriousness of this guilt was so intense, I still remember it to this day, even though I don’t remember the actual fighting part with my sister.

I can do The Work from here, from what was then the future, the Now looking at the past. I came through here today to clean this up.

I was terrible.

Find the place where you have sometime felt this to be true.

See if it was.

Can you absolutely be sure that you were terrible, guilty, bad, and should be ashamed of yourself?

Even if you say yes, keep going with contemplating this belief.

How do you react when you believe it’s your fault, you did it, and it turned out like shit?

Self-condemnation sets in. Vows to never to it again. Hiding, embarrassment, feeling mortified. “Working” on yourself to fix this problem.

But who would you be without the belief that you were terrible?

Notice the whole entire situation without the self-criticism. Look at everyone in the scene. Notice what your thoughts were about everyone you were interacting with, not just you.

Oh yeah!

Begin to identify more clearly why you were hurt. Who else might have thought you were terrible? Why? What did you really want from people at that time, in that situation?

If you don’t just stop at the I-Hate-Myself platform…what else was going on?

You get to find out when you relive that moment and investigate.

I noticed I was most worried about what my dad thought of me having a fit. I felt rage, and then terrified he wouldn’t love me because I expressed rage.

Lightbulb.

I was copying my dad. He got angry sometimes, exploded, and then appeared to feel terrible and unloved.

Same same.

Without that thought, I notice it’s just humans, expressing themselves.

“The feeling that something is wrong…that’s not a personal problem of yours, it is a universal, human condition to carry inside the feeling that something is wrong. Then the mind looks for what it can do about it…where is the thing that’s wrong? And it misinterprets situations.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

Nothing was wrong, nothing was terrible.

There was passion, energy, love, fear all swirling together. Things more things happened next. The scene moved on and became a memory. The bigness of the feelings relaxed, my sister and I were friends again, I always knew my dad loved me and I loved him.

“When you sit quiet and watch yourself, all kinds of things may come to the surface. Do nothing about them, don’t react to them; as they have come so will they go, by themselves.” ~ Nisargadatta

Love, Grace

 

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The Dreadful Mistake You May Be Making About Your Enemy

Quite some time ago, I had a very dear friend who surprised me by something she did.

In a bad way.

Like a scene from a great Shakespeare tragedy, she misunderstood something about me and assumed the worst and decided the best way to handle it was to never speak to me again, without explanation or confrontation, and then get vicious.

She shouldn’t think I’m a dishonest person.

Is that true?

Yes! Yes! I am totally honest! She is WRONG about me! She got some kind of twisted, unclear information and…

Wait.

Answer the question.

Can you absolutely know that it’s true that someone shouldn’t think poorly of you? Really?

No. People are allowed to think what they think. I have no idea why this unusual and strange situation appeared. It did.

How do you react when you believe that someone has the wrong idea about you? Or a completely distorted, maybe disturbed view of you?

I want to fix it! This is where the phrase comes from “I must clear my good name!”

I mean….people die in the movies clearing OTHER peoples’ good names, so I definitely need to prove mine. Right?

Inside, with this thought, is a feeling of deep sadness. Puzzled. Thinking “what did I do to make such a weird idea come out of her? Maybe I should have done it differently!”

Defensive, confused.

The urge to be thought well of, especially when someone appears to be saying things that aren’t even true, is strong. I feel separate from that other person, who seems to have gone a little nuts, or isn’t seeing things “right”.

Sigh.

Now the grand question….who would you be without the belief that someone shouldn’t think you are dishonest (or whatever you think they are thinking)?

As you hold that dear person’s face in your mind and heart, even if they’ve said terrible and mean things about you…who would you be right now if you couldn’t even have the thought that it’s a problem?

It’s not denial I’m talking about. It’s relaxing, in the presence of something that appears to be an attack.

Stepping to the side.

Laying down your defensive arms.

“So when you find yourself in a dark place where you’ve been countless, countless times, you can think maybe it’s time to get a little golden spade and dig myself out of this place.” ~ Pema Chodron

As Pema Chodron’s teacher, Chogyam Trungpa, Rinpoche, said to her when she said she felt angry, depressed, and unhappy one day:

“You find yourself lying on the bottom of the ocean with your face in the sand, and even though all the sand is going up your nose and into your mouth and your eyes and ears, you stand up and you begin walking again. Then the next wave comes and knocks you down. The waves just keep coming, but each time you get knocked down, you stand up and keep walking. After a while, you’ll find that the waves appear to be getting smaller.”

Without the belief that someone should think better of me than they do, I notice the waves feel smaller.

In fact, I notice that in this room, in this moment as I remember my friend, there aren’t any waves.

I can think of her with great appreciation for how much fun we used to have, our long and thorough conversations, the sweet connection we had for about four years.

Turning the thought around: “she should think I’m dishonest.”

How is that good for me, for the world, that she thinks what she thinks?

Well, partly because of her assumptions, I retraced my steps and found I had done everything perfectly, by the book (and I didn’t even know it!) when it came to my career.

I have more free time, not getting together with her. I don’t like to spend money on restaurant food very much, or be around people who drink a lot of alcohol, so that’s eliminated.

And dishonest? I’ve withheld how I truly feel a thousand times to others, I’ve pretended I was sick to get out of doing something, I’ve made myself out to be less fearful than I really am.

I shouldn’t think she’s a dishonest person.

Oh. Wow.

She’s doing the best she can. Everyone is. I don’t know what’s going on over there, with her.

My perception of her is actually inside ME. It’s ME that’s got a trigger of sadness and upset at being thought poorly of….I haven’t talked with her in ages.

“You will be surprised to find that in most situations there’s nothing to deal with except for your own fears and desires. Fear and desire make everything seem so complicated. If you don’t have fear or desire about an event, there’s really nothing to deal with. You simply allow life to unfold and interact with it in a natural and rational manner.” ~ Michael Singer

I notice that when I’m believing I know what someone else should be thinking or feeling, it’s very, very stressful.

My only project is me, and my own thoughts and feelings. And even that is not really a project.

Now that’s easier….to make an understatement.

“There is no greater misfortune than underestimating your enemy. Underestimating your enemy means thinking he is evil. Thus you destroy your three treasures (simplicity, patience and compassion) and become an enemy yourself. 

When two great forces oppose each other, the victory will go to the one that knows how to yield.” ~ Tao Te Ching #69

That person who finds you less than wonderful?

Thank them for showing you what is needed to truly love unconditionally.

You don’t have to say it out loud, or even contact them. It’s for you.

You’ll be OK, it’s safe. You’ll be more than OK. Really.

Much love, Grace

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Those Mean People? It’s Not Personal

Summer Camp July Session starts today! Come on board any time this month, it’s only $97 to join every summer camp telejam in July that you can make. Click HERE to join.

Last night on the last summer camp telesession during June, inquirers got together and looked at a couple of powerful stressful beliefs.

Someone is doing something.

You don’t like it.

You wish they didn’t want to do that. You’d prefer they had no interest.

And yet, there they are doing it.

Arrggghhhhh! Teeth grinding!

A son selling pot, a brother-in-law cheating the government, a friend being thoughtless, a volunteer team expecting too much, someone lying.

Is it true that they shouldn’t want what they want?

Yes. When they want these things, they hurt other people.

Can you absolutely know that this is true that their actions, what they want, isn’t good?

Yes. She was awful. She hurt me. She’s out to get me. She wants me to fail, suffer. She’s jealous.

She is wrong!

How do you react when you believe she shouldn’t want to do what she’s doing? When you believe a dictator shouldn’t want to ruin a whole country? When you think that person you care about shouldn’t want what they want, because their actions are causing great pain?

Soooooo angry. Enraged. Furious.

So angry, I wish that person were dead, or never existed.

Wow. Intense.

Who would you be without the thought that the person you have in mind really shouldn’t want what they appear to want?

It takes a moment.

Wait.

Without that belief of being so deeply against what they want….hmmm….

I’d notice my surroundings. I’d notice the room I’m in, the beautiful white couch near the window. My son sitting next to me playing a gameboy something.

I’m curious as I watch this person without the thought that they actually want to do harm.

Even when they apparently have.

Last night I went out to dinner with my husband, son and daughter to celebrate my son turning 20. My daughter was telling us how in history class last year she learned about some leaders who controlled entire countries and generations, and caused the death of many people.

Who would I be without the belief that those leaders throughout history shouldn’t have wanted what they wanted?

It wouldn’t mean I wouldn’t stop them, if I could. Like Hitler.

But the agonizing despair is not present, the depth of the rage and fury.

I can feel the silence and peace within, the emptiness.

Turning the thought around: those people should want what they want.

Perhaps every moment, every experience, everything they’ve ever felt in their entire lives, every encounter….has led up to them having something in them move towards the strange, violent, sick, painful action they are taking.

It may have nothing really to do with me.

How could it?

An entire lifetime happened, inside them, before I ever came along.

“Whatever happens around you, don’t take it personally…. Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves. All people live in their own dream, in their own mind; they are in a completely different world from the one we live in….Even when a situation seems so personal, even if others insult you directly, it has nothing to do with you….If you do not take it personally, you are immune in the middle of hell.” ~ Miguel Ruiz

I shouldn’t want what I want…especially when it comes to that person I’m perceiving as horrid.

Because it doesn’t feel good to hate.

“If I think that someone else is causing my problem, I’m insane.” ~ Byron Katie

Astonishing.

I can be free, open-handed, with no shields up, even if I am attacked and killed, condemned, beaten, yelled at, betrayed, stabbed in the back, lied to, abandoned.

I can pick love, no matter what.

I don’t even have to pick…I just question my thoughts, and kindness seems to begin to seep in.

Compassion grows.

It doesn’t mean I have to hang out with them, be their best friend, chat them up, or spend time at their house. I might even want them in jail.

But I don’t have to hurt myself by thinking about it and believing it’s true every second.

“They know not what they do.” ~ Jesus of Nazareth

Can you give yourself some forgiveness today?

Much Love, Grace

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Now That Was Awesome! Breitenbush Live

Last day of June Summer Camp. Which means…tomorrow July Session starts!

If you want to connect to live calls in The Work for July, check it out and sign up HERE.

You can start at 8 am Pacific time on Tuesday, July 1st! Lots of calls to choose from. I hope to meet you in Summer Camp this month!

*******

I’ve come out of the luscious green old-growth forest to write to you!

It took me six hours to drive home. There was an exciting moment along the way where the wheel fell off on a car right in front of me.

More about that soon (I saw no cars crash, although I did see sparks flying)!

Before entering freeway world….we went deep into The Work at Breitenbush Hotsprings in Oregon in the annual 4.5 day retreat, for the fourth year.

There was a misty, soft rain pattering down most of the time this year, but of course the weather doesn’t matter one bit.

Inside our gorgeous round yurt with stained glass window up above, and soft carpeted floor, we have 28 minds doing their “work” between ages 17 and 77. They’ve come from far and wide, Florida, New York, California, and all around the Pacific Northwest.

One loving inquirer volunteered to go first last Thursday morning.

His worksheet was on the frustrations in teaching someone how to drive.

I thought of teaching my own son just within the past couple of years. The nervousness. Deciding not to hit the freeway yet….

….because I am the one who is too anxious, if he is the one driving.

The wonderful thought brought to the surface in our retreat: she should stop!

Everyone could find that thought. Everyone could feel that moment in their lives, in some situation, where they might have even been saying, or shouting, STOP!!!

And it wasn’t stopping.

You know what it’s like to want something or someone to stop, and they don’t.

Sometimes it can feel like you look around in the world, in your life…..and there is so much you’d prefer stopped.

Noise, traffic, talking, the grind of working, messiness, confusion, big feelings, addiction, depressive thinking, mean people, that troubling person who keeps accusing you of crazy things.

They should stop!

It’s true! I absolutely know that it’s true!

In our retreat we did an exercise I have begun introducing in most retreats or workshops I teach that are one day or longer, as a way to really contemplate and feel what your thoughts are like inside your body, how they affect the whole of you, this life force within you.

You can do it now:

Write down a thought that is disturbing, something you believe.

Maybe you have the same thought “that person (or thing) should stop”.

Now stand up and walk about, in the room you’re in, and feel what it’s like to believe this thought. Let you mind flash images, pictures, memories.

Let yourself feel the feelings…..

…..THAT PERSON SHOULD STOP!

In our beautiful yurt here at Breitenbush, all the inquirers walked about, heads down. Some backed up against the wall, rigid. Some felt like punching the air with fists.

Feel what the room is like, what your environment is like, how you feel about other people, when you’re believing it should stop.

Now pause. Take a deep breath.

Who would you be without the belief? If you couldn’t even think it, or have it cross through your mind?

It’s not stopping…..but you’re not believing it should, either.

I know it’s bizarre, especially if the activity happening (that you’d prefer would end) feels painful and hurtful.

But how do you move, without the thinking about it? How do you feel? What’s happening right now, in this moment?

In our retreat group, people noticed they felt suddenly INSIDE their bodies, they looked up, they wanted to smile. The room burst open with living-color, they could see everyone around them.

People hugged. Felt like jumping up and down, and running. Some felt their energy could hardly be contained inside this room.

What changed?

A thought.

I am beyond words today with the sense of gratitude, awe, reverence and inspiration found in the collective gathering of a beautiful group all doing The Work together.

Every person was such a gem.

They looked the most remarkable but not uncommon thoughts: the sudden death of a spouse, the pain from terrible trauma years ago at age ten, the fear of aging, the wish for someone loved to quit drinking.

That was the best Breitenbush retreat yet. I can’t wait until next year.

“Our true nature is not some ideal that we have to live up to. It’s who we are right now, and that’s what we can make friends with and celebrate.” ~ Pema Chodron

If you’d like to see Grace Notes on Facebook so you can share them with friends (yay!) then please click here and like my page.

Much Love, Grace

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Not For Everyone, But Maybe For You: A Private, Special Retreat

I am thrilled and jumping up and down (on the inside)!

Because a dream I’ve had that others have suggested to me before, something I couldn’t imagine only a few years ago, is now coming into reality this fall.

For five+ years now, I’ve been working with people who hate their bodies, people who struggle with eating, people upset by aging, their flaws, their appearance, a difficult spouse, trying times with kids, and those frightened about money and lack of support.

As one of my favorite authors and teachers, Geneen Roth, summarizes it….

….it’s the suffering of Not Enough.

Every single workshop or class offering inquiry to those struggling with food and eating, pain or illness has offered profound teaching for me personally.

I’ve been learning how I can transmit the information I have of freedom from the prison of worrying about food, trusting my appetites, accepting this body and its flaws, allowing money to come and go freely, letting go of anxiety, feeling grateful and feeling deeply beautiful….

….to you.

I’ve loved my own journey every step of the way (well, ok, I didn’t exactly LOVE it every step of the way) and living this ever-expanding life with you means the world to me.

You may know where I came from, but if you don’t, it’s kind of embarrassing and ugly.

At least that’s how I used to feel.

I was anxious about overeating, upset when too hungry, and never, ever satisfied with the way my body looked. I went on huge binges, stuffing my face with everything in sight. I pushed myself hard with exercise.

I lost almost all my assets and money, and never had a satisfying career. My relationships were somewhat rocky, I got divorced. I yelled at my kids.

I felt flawed.

The stressful beliefs began when I was a kid, and surfaced more deeply when I was in high school. Then they got more sophisticated and I became a nutrition expert (without a degree), and bulimic, and life felt frighteningly unpredictable.

Ugh.

What I really, really wanted was total freedom from thinking about my life in such a painful way.

It’s agonizing to imagine that something is wrong with you, with your body, your mind, your feelings, and that you’re a failure when it comes to being here on planet earth.

Then, on top of feeling unacceptable, I would criticize myself for being self-critical.

I should know better! I should be nicer to myself! I’m acting like a teenager! I need to get a grip!

You can’t win, with this kind of loop-dee-loop thinking. It’s like bouncing back and forth between a rock and a hard place, like a ping pong ball on steroids, never getting any relief.

I sought many modalities of healing and all of them were excellent.

Individual therapy, group therapy, The Course in Miracles, meditation, The Work of Byron Katie, retreats, counseling, training, spiritual teachings, twelve steps.

And now I’m ready to combine them into core teachings for healing the mind’s attack on the body, on other people, on food, on money, on life, and end that war.

I find there are six areas of stressful beliefs, some that begin when you’re only a child, that contribute deeply to Not Enough-ness.

You can question them all, and shift.

They are responsible for immense suffering.

These areas are:

  • If I don’t look acceptable, people won’t like me. If people don’t like me, I’ll suffer. Therefore, find out what acceptable is, and look like that.
  • My feelings are not to be trusted, or shown to others. They upset people.
  • I am not safe in many situations. The world (full of people) is a chaotic, disturbing or terrifying place.
  • My thinking is not my friend.
  • There are many activities that can change my feelings about situations that are troubling…like eating, smoking, drinking wine, cleaning, getting a crush on someone. But they all hurt in the end.
  • I am my body, my body defines who I am.
Boy howdy, when your feelings are not trustworthy, and your thinking is not trustworthy, and the world is not trustworthy….then you are up sh*t creek, philosophically speaking.
But there is a way out, entirely, from that madness.
You can question what you learned was true, from your earliest memories all the way to now.

You can alter your beliefs, your mind, your feelings….by changing what creates discomfort for you in your own belief system.

In other words, if you don’t like the way a thought makes you feel, you can question it and find out if it’s really, really true.

When I was in my twenties, I felt desperate to find answers. I had some fantastic guidance, but I wish I had found a clear resource to look at my inner thoughts and what I was making things mean in my life.

Now, I don’t even have to “work” at it.

Don’t get me wrong, my mind still has troubling thoughts. Just the other day I saw my 53 year old wrinkles around my eyes and let out a sigh.

But then I chuckled.

And if I don’t, I’ve got The Work.

Who would you be without the belief that you are Not Enough, that people won’t like you, that you need to be liked, that there is Not Enough money, Not Enough attention, that you must protect yourself from a hard world?

Kind of amazing to consider, right?

Which brings me to why I’m so excited….

I’m offering a very deep focused immersion into self-inquiry, spiritual inquiry, The Work and experiential exercises I’ve found to be amazing to address the sense of feeling lack, disappointment, anger, fear, discouragement…..

…..to a very small group of eight people.

The Serene, Powerful, Loved, Ecstatic, Enough Retreat.

If you enroll in this unique once-in-a-lifetime retreat, offered November 10-13, 2014, you will look at the nooks and crannies where you have believed in Not Enoughness.

You will look at who you really are, what is genuinely true, and what’s gotten in the way of your freedom.

You will have access to the nurturing, care, enough-ness, beauty and wisdom that lives inside of you, that’s been here all along even through your self-defeating behaviors.

You can put down trying to solve the problem of life, money, kids, spouses, food and weight, and build your contact with unconditional love.

We’ll question painful messages of fear and hurt, of thinking there is something wrong with you.

You’ll open to truly imagining there isn’t.

I would love to support you to put down the battle, the project of self-improvement forever….and I know you can’t stop your thoughts, and you can’t control them.

(Control never works in the end).

But you can turn your attention to other truths, you can stop proving that your stressful thoughts are true, and prove the peaceful ones instead.

This is not your average, in-house retreat where I have people come to my cottage for a day or two. This particular format will appeal and be possible for only a very few.

We will be in luxuriously cared for, with special guest appearances via skype or in-person by teachers who are experts in spiritual inquiry (and maybe you’ve heard of them).

I’ve asked several important guides, and it is yet unknown who will be able to connect with us for sure. It will be a surprise!

You will be able to ask personal questions and have direct contact with them.

This experience will be different than large meditation and educational retreats attended by hundreds. You will not contend with crowds.

And I’ll offer you my own experience and strength, and my compassionate facilitation.

“The Way of Liberation is a call to action; it is something you do. It is a doing that will undo you absolutely. If you do not do the teaching, if you do not study and apply it fearlessly, it cannot effect any transformation. The Way of Liberation is not a belief system; it is something to be put into practice.” ~ Adyashanti

You can turn all of your beliefs around, and live a life of completely, utterly, unconditionally enough at every turn, around every corner, deep inside of you.

You can start practicing it now, by turning the troubling beliefs to the opposite:

  • I can look the way I look, people love me. If people don’t like me, I’ll won’t suffer. Being myself is acceptable.
  • My feelings are to be acknowledged, honored, and shown to others. They don’t upset people. Or me.
  • I am safe in every situation. The world (full of people) is a mysterious, magical, curious and loving place.
  • Thinking is my friend.
  • There are no activities that can change my feelings about situations that are troubling…except self-inquiry, self-love, allowing everything and everyone to be as they are.
  • I am not my body, my body cannot define who I am. My body is inside of me, as is everything else.
At the Serene, Powerful, Loved, Ecstatic, Enough Retreat

you will stay in five-star award-winning accommodation Willows Lodge in Woodinville, Washington. Our group will be fully catered for every meal. We will work with the abundance of beauty and food as part of our inquiry practice, and what is enough.

For many others who will not be able to do this due to cost…. ….have no fear, I’ll be presenting my teleclasses this summer starting soon in July, and YOI (Year of Inquiry) in September…and I am working on pre-recorded classes you can take on your own.

(Eating Peace will be the first class people can take online on their own, stay tuned).

“We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.” ~ Marianne Williamson

Letting yourself experience this four-day retreat of deep self-inquiry, The Work, presence, now….you may discover a new light within that is both serene and ecstatic, when you know how loved you are that no situation, person, place or thing can change this.

And who knows what can happen from there.

The Serene, Powerful, Loved, Ecstatic, Enough Retreat is by application only.

If you are interested, please click this link. I will respond to all applications on a first-come, first-serve basis. Please apply by July 4th, independence day in the US. Your payment will be due upon your acceptance into the program and confirms your participation.

Thank you universe for this incredible opportunity to be a guide along your journey.

Wherever you are, and whoever you are, you are love.

“Love is action.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love, Grace

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If That Feeling Could Talk

It’s uncanny the power of the mind to deflect, go unconscious, blank out or skip like an error in a recording, just for a quick second.

Even though it’s so brilliant, smart, and fast as lightening…..we’ll say things like “it slipped my mind” or “I don’t know what came over me” or “suddenly I felt really creeped out (or smitten) for no apparent reason” or “it makes no sense, I did it anyway”.

Unconsciousness is defined in modern psychology as a part of the mind that is inaccessible to the conscious mind but still affects how you’re acting and feeling.

If you do something unconsciously, it’s like you did it without planning it, without intent, it was being directed by some other zone in your mind rather than upfront logic or conscious awareness.

And it was odd or unusual….it’s sort of mysterious.

Sigmund Freud and Carl Jung loved studying this “unconscious” mind, they were basically the founders of using the term in this particular way we all know now.

Back stories, missing puzzle pieces of why we act weird or feel bad.

Or why we’re addicted. To craving, or wanting, or love.

One huge and powerful advantage of doing The Work for me personally has been the way it draws out unconscious dredge, maybe from long ago, and brings it to light for examination.

And as these things are seen….the process of unconscious reactions in any form falls away.

“If you’re upset and you can’t seem to find the thought behind the emotions, try this: Take some time to travel inwardly to the place where the feeling is most intense. Sink into the physical sensation of the feeling. Let yourself be upset, for your own sake, and give it a voice. If the feeling could talk, what would it say?” ~ Byron Katie

Here’s an example.

Let’s say someone sort of disturbs you, even though you don’t know them all that well. Or the reverse, you’re fascinated by someone and feel compelled to hang around them as much as possible, like a groupie crush or something.

Hold that person in your mind, and see them doing what they do that you find repulsive or mesmerizing. Sometimes, this is a flash of a picture, it goes by so fast.

Blow it up big. Let it talk.

In an exercise class I took for awhile several years ago, there was a guy who was really handsome and really quiet.

He appeared melancholy and brooding. Strong and tough looking, with sideburns.

Kinda edgy like….dangerous. I pictured going out for drinks with him, even though I hardly ever drank alcohol much anymore.

(Retroactive clue).

I wrote out my Judge Your Neighbor worksheet on the image of that man.

My Judge Your Neighbor worksheet contained these following stressful thoughts:

I am nervous around that guy because he’s intense, foreboding, dark and mysterious.

I want him to talk to me, but gently. I want to get to know him.

He should stop brooding or acting all stormy and rough. He should lighten up. He should be more open.

I need him to be interested in me. I need him to be happy. I need him to be sincere, loving, direct, spiritual, mature, and clear.

He’s been hurt, he’s cautious, a fighter, violent, funny, uptight.

I don’t ever want him to kill or hurt me, anyone else, or himself.

Yes, even though I didn’t know his name, I had feelings and thoughts popping all over the place about this man in the corner.

I noticed….I’ve had curiosity and interest about some of the same qualities in Other Men before.

Gosh, what a coincidence.

I took a look at the most disturbing qualities: brooding and dark.Like he was hungry for connection, but haunted at the same time.

He should be more open, relaxed, mature. Not haunted. 

Is it true?

Yah I’m pretty sure that would be better all around.

Can you absolutely know this is true, for sure?

No. I’m not even sure he is NOT open, relaxed and mature. I’m definitely assuming a lot.

How do you react when you think someone should be more relaxed, grown up, open? What would you have if they were like that? What would it mean?

How I react is I’m waiting, wondering, hoping, hyped-up. I think it would be awesome, when I actually have NO IDEA. I think it would mean all is well and….

….suddenly I get the picture in my head of my dad being depressed, sad, staring out the window at the sky. Not saying much.

If only he were happy, everything would be OK. A very insidious unsettled worry would finally be resolved. I wouldn’t feel so separated.

Who would I be without that belief, that he should be open, or that he isn’t?

I wouldn’t assume he isn’t approachable, or forlorn, or feeling lost or sad. How would I know? Jeezus.

Plus, it’s not exactly any of my business.

If I just landed here from another planet, and felt perfectly content and excited to explore, I would breathe deeply and relax, and notice everyone, not just the brooders in this situation.

“The truth of your being doesn’t crave happiness; it could actually care less. It doesn’t crave love, not because you are so full of love, but because it just doesn’t crave love. It’s very simple. It doesn’t seek to be known, regarded highly, or understood. When you’re living what you are in an awakened way, there’s no ideal for you anymore. You’ve stepped off the entire cycle of suffering, of becoming; you’re not interested.” ~ Adyashanti

Turning the thoughts around: I should be more open, relaxed and mature…when it comes to that man in the corner…when it comes to my dad.

Those men should be exactly as they are, nothing is absent, nothing is required, no improvement necessary.

Wow, now that is different. Very, very different.

No tendrils of energy reaching out over to there, no grasping, no waiting, no hoping, no fingers-crossed, no wishing.

“I stopped waiting for the world to give me what I wanted. I started giving it to myself instead.” ~ Byron Katie

I notice what I wanted from my dad…connection, conversation, honesty, laughter, joy, guidance, no need for addictive thinking…and I begin to discover it inside myself.

And with this work, looking clearly, looking carefully, I notice one day….oh. No more brooding, haunted, sad men in my life.

Or was it me who changed?

Much love, Grace

 

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Be A Star Without A Name

One of my all-time favorite experiences in my life is connecting with my fascinating family. I have an awesome father (who hasn’t been alive in physical form for 24 years), a dynamic, enthusiastic mother who travels the world, and three truly amazing sisters.

And there have been moments. Shall we say.

Every single person in my family of origin (FOO as we call it) has had their thoughts, little irritations, bigger arguments, concerns, sadness, and fears about other members of the family.

Dang, those people close to us, related to us, are powerful teachers.

When I’ve spent time with my family in large gatherings, I love noticing the small eddies and zaps of thought that arise inside as commentary, or sensations: I like that, I don’t like this, I want more of that, I don’t care about this, she thinks, he says, they should….

So quick the movements towards and away, back and forth, here and there, thinking, feeling.

When you go to a group event, who would you be without the belief that there was anything missing in your family or those people gathered in the room?

Without the belief that what you think about any of the people around you, if you’re thinking something stressful, is true?

“In each moment of every day, Truth is not lacking or held in abeyance for some later date; it is given in full measure, and abundantly so. Do not be afraid of what appears to be chaos or dissolution–embrace the full measure of your life at any cost. Bare your heart to the Unknown and never look back.” ~ Adyashanti

Without the belief that what I’m thinking is absolute and real and complete about the people around me, I look around with intense curiosity. What a fascinating place!

Could Truth be right here, right now, no matter what my mind has to say about it?

Yes. Oh! Of course! Wow! Sparkles!

Turning the thought around: I move away or toward in perfect timing, liking and not liking comes and goes, nothing is missing in anyone here, nothing is wrong, nothing is lacking in this moment full of many people….and that includes me.

I take a very deep breath, drinking in the environment.

So gentle, restful, and kind.

Like a point of light inside the stomach and chest, glowing, spreading through the air and the sky, and along the floor under the legs of the chairs, permeating all these bodies of my family, the people at the barbecue, the people at the party, the dancers, the music playing, like an invisible energy force.

Reality tells me when it’s time to show up somewhere, when it’s time to leave the gathering, ask, talk, sit, delight, go, watch, listen, sleep, wake up.

Without the belief that stressful thoughts are true, who would I be, who would you be?

Pure joy. Amazed.

Like a shining star playing with other twinkling stars in the heavens, recognizing all the people and life I love.

When a baby is taken from the wet nurse,

it easily forgets her

and starts eating solid food.

Seeds feed awhile on ground,

then lift up into the sun.

Taste the filtered light

and work your way toward wisdom

with no personal covering.

That’s how you came here, like a star

without a name. Move across the night sky

with those anonymous lights.

~ Rumi

Much love, Grace

 

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Becoming Blind With Love

Month Four in Year of Inquiry Mastermind is all about complaining.

We get to complain about our everyday lives, those people, those circumstances….write it down….and then begin to look at what’s going on there when we grouse.

Yesterday as the YOI group wrote out who and what they complain about, one person said “I hate complainers!”

Oh boy. I’ve thought that.

Those griping, negative, sour, gossiping whiners! Jeez!

Give it a rest!

Hey, how about doing The Work on that complainer you know?

Let’s begin.

She should stop complaining.

Is it true?

Yes! I hate being around her. Annoying! Always finding what doesn’t work, rather than what does work!

Can you absolutely know that this is true, that she should stop?

No, not really. Sometimes, squeaky wheels get the grease. Sometimes there’s a deep important reason for the so-called complaining, an expression rising up, a voice, a need.

How do you react when you believe that person should stop complaining? What happens inside? How do you act around that person?

Rats. Did you have to ask me that?

I stew about her. I judge her. I think “what’s her *%#@! problem”? Such a downer! So pessimistic!

I feel like it will drive me bonkers and I want to run away from her. I call her names in my head. Controlling, pushy, bossy, complaining, rude.

“Relationship has a built-in mirroring effect. As we move through life, other people appear to reflect back to us this core, deficient self. When this sense of deficiency is triggered in relationship, an emotional wound arises…..There’s a tendency to focus our attention outward toward others, as if they’re the source of pain. But others are just a mirror showing us what we believe about ourselves.” ~ Scott Kiloby

Gulp.

Who would I be without this belief, if I couldn’t even think the thought that she should stop being like that?

I pause and look at her, instead of getting the urge to bolt.

I watch her. She looks nervous. And concerned. She’s scared perhaps, and believing that if she speaks it will help.

Without any of these labels or evaluations….I’m back here with me, observing All This.

Rooted inside, connected to the earth. The room opens up, the sound of her voice seems quieter, and I notice other sounds as well.

I reach out to her with my hand and put it on her arm. If the complaining person isn’t in this room, I reach out in my heart with an energy that connects us.

I relax.

“We define enemies as those people who we believe caused or will cause our unhappiness. Neither anyone nor anything ever caused your unhappiness. Our belief that they had that power was the cause.” ~ Bruce Di Marsico

I turn the thoughts around: she shouldn’t stop complaining, I should stop complaining about her complaining, I should stop complaining about MYSELF.

She shouldn’t stop complaining: this is giving me something really powerful to look at. She’s expressing, just like all of creation. She’s offering something, being something.

Reality is: person saying things. She shouldn’t stop unless she does.

I should stop complaining about her: yikes, yes, I rattle on and on inside my head about her poor qualities. I avoid looking at myself while I ream her.

I should stop complaining about myself: Woah. Yes, like a deep core resistance inside, I felt upset the minute that complainer starts, like it’s too much for me, too hard, too upsetting, too too.

What if it is not too upsetting? What if I can be with it, no problem?

Yes, I could stop complaining that I can’t connect, be free, be intimate and love this person who is in my presence no matter what they do.

Because I can. It’s not so hard.

I can see how incredibly beautiful they are.

Can you?

“If you knew how important you are—and without the story you come to know it—you would fragment into a billion pieces and just be light. That’s what these misunderstood concepts are for: to keep you from the awareness of that. You’d have to be the embodiment if you knew it—just a fool, blind with love.” ~ Byron Katie in Question Your Thinking, Change The World

Much love, Grace

 

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Do You Think Someone Should Speak Up?

Yesterday morning a wonderful group of sincere inquirers called in to Summer Camp teleconference to question their stressful thinking.

The painful concept that appeared on someone’s worksheet was that someone they love should speak up.

I could relate immediately.

Have you ever had the thought that someone you care about should speak up? Say it? Stand up? Drop the quiet thing and ask for what they need?

Oh boy. I’ve had this moment with one of my kids, with a very good friend, with my dad…..and with myself.

I’ve even had people in my past say this to me, like….dang, you should give him a piece of your mind, you should tell her off, you should stand up for yourself!!!

But what every inquirer noticed in our group was that when you believe it to be true, and it’s not happening, you feel aggressive about it, frustrated, annoyed, pushy, anxious….

….and something about the whole desire for someone to speak up feels off.

You are against that person being as they are, all mute and quiet over there.

Some people feel that without the belief that speaking up should happen, then they would lose, be passive, be crushed, or be used.

It’s really helpful to ask yourself why speaking up needs to happen, from you or anyone. (And then you could ask yourself also why speaking up is frightening, if it is.)

But let’s look at that other person right now, who should speak up.

I once had a really great friend in college who was super crazy shy. Funny enough, he was also a performer, so he was on stage often. He rocked the house in theater.

But when stuff happened in his personal life, and he needed to make a request or state his point of view….he got really mumbling nervous and careful and hesitant.

He should speak up! Gawd! Spit it out!

Is it true?

Oh. Well. I’m not sure, truth be told. There could be good reasons why not talking is helpful, or waiting to speak is a calmer idea.

No, I guess it’s not true.

How do I react when I believe that thought?

Frustrated! Critical! I roll my eyes and don’t want to deal with him. I feel separate, and superior (yikes). Inside my head I’m noticing what a dorkish, weak, pathetic person he is. I think he’ll never get anywhere in life, even if he’s a good actor on stage.

Kind of intense!

But who would I be without the thought, in the presence of that person who should speak up?

A huge weight lifts off my chest, out of my heart. I feel lighter, relaxed. I notice the dearness of that person and how gentle they are, so willing to wait, be soft with words. Maybe they are confused, and yet they don’t fight or push.

I see someone doing their best, who has a different idea than me about what should be said.

I turn the thought around: he should not speak up, I should speak up to him, I should speak up to myself.

I sit with these turnarounds and look for examples.

What I wanted with this speaking up business was for him to be happy and content. Maybe he’s already happy and content, without speaking up.

Silence is pretty awesome, that’s for sure.

Oh, and perhaps since I’m the one taking notice of speaking up, I could open a conversation myself, kindly, about what I’m seeing….with my friend.

Ultimately, could I be yearning for some kind of speaking up to happen inside MOI?

Yes, I could stop speaking poorly about myself, I could stop chattering away at what I did or did not do well, I could notice how much I love that quiet non-speaking friend, child, or parent.

I could see how much happiness and contentment is present here, inside me, inside that other person, whether speaking happens or not.

Be Impeccable With Your Word. Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.~ Miguel Angel Ruiz 

Today I notice how gentle I feel towards all those sweet people who didn’t speak up confidently, and how gentle I feel towards myself for not speaking up confidently when I thought I should.

“True words aren’t eloquent; eloquent words aren’t true. Wise men don’t need to prove their point; men who need to prove their point aren’t wise….The Tao nourishes by not forcing. By not dominating, the Master leads.” ~ Tao Te Ching #81

Much love, Grace