Category: Relationships

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I’ve Been Cheated! And Other Invitations To Freedom

He cheated on me. I was betrayed. She abandoned me. 

This orientation to partnership is very common.

Many times, in working with others about romantic relationships, they will speak these words.

I love the way the word “cheated” comes up.

People use this word to describe going off diets (I cheated on my diet) or money (he cheated me out of my fair share) or love.

When you use the word “cheated”…. 

….about anything…

….you are sitting right in the center of pain.

You are shouting from the rooftops that YOU are WRONGED, that you are worthy of being cheated on, that you are damaged.

I know it hurts. I do understand. I’ve had the very same thoughts!

But inquiring and seeing, with more open eyes instead of the eyes of a victim, can be the most liberating thing ever.

People will say “I can’t let go of how hurt I was” like it means they will lose a battle.

If you say this, you may be losing already, you may be in a battle getting beaten to a pulp, so you may as well look more closely and see.

Let’s do it!

He or she cheated on you.

Is that true?

Yes! Disaster! Life story changed! The most terrible horrible thing happened! The worst that I could imagine came true!

But who would you be without the belief that it is even possible to be cheated on?

Weird, I know.

It’s such a long, abiding story of lover relationships. We guaranteed to remain true to each other, only, and never change our minds.

(Impossible to guarantee anything, have you noticed?)

But really. What if it was not cheating? What if there was no such thing?

What if there was simply human being moving from here, to over there, following their own impulses or desires or interests?

Can you really vow to never have a thought, a desire, an attraction towards more than one person….

….or even if you naturally keep this vow just because of the way you are without trying….

….can you really expect or demand that someone else sees only you 100% of the time without any smithereen of an interest in anyone else?

Who would you really be without the belief that you need that person’s attention, love, desire, commitment or vow?

Wow.

For me, the freedom was at first frightening. And then, incredible.

Natural. Soaring.

What if the thing that happened with someone else is an invitation to something even better, different?

What if you could find something brilliant in the experience, even of your own imagination moving towards someone else when you’re apparently in a committed relationship?

What if you used all this as exploration, curious development, wonder?

When I was in a committed relationship once, I watched myself get sparked by another (in horror and guilt some of the time, when I was believing the old relationship thoughts).

When I cut the control, stopped trying to hide it like it was a sin or something, I noticed the deep lack of integrity within my thinking….

….but also the joy in celebrating the beauty I saw.

For me, I brought the conversation very openly to my current partner, who I loved and adored, and as it turned out, we became closer than ever. The intimacy got deeper between us.

I mostly learned about myself and seduction, fun, romance, connection and all the variations it can take….sometimes unexpectedly.

What I noticed was I loved clarity, honesty, no secrets, including my own.

What if you were completely and totally free?

“By watching your mind, you will notice that it is engaged in the process of trying to make everything okay….When you see the mind telling you how to fix the world and everyone in it in order to suit yourself, just don’t listen….free your energies so you can free yourself. Right in the midst of your daily life, by untethering yourself from the bondage of your psyche, you actually have the ability to steal freedom for your soul. This freedom is so great it has been given a special name–liberation.” ~ Michael Singer

If you’re wanting to finding love, romance, sexuality, connecting, bonding, enmeshing, or break-ups….

….and the “problems” they’ve brought you to bring liberation instead….

….then join me in the 8 week teleclass Our Wonderful Sexuality starting next week on Thursdays. 10 am Pacific/1:00 pm Eastern/6:00 pm UK. Click HERE to register or write grace@workwithgrace.com with questions.

Much love,

Grace

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He Shouldn’t Lean Away And Other Lies About Lovers

animals-fightingI was so excited and happy, full of anticipation.

I had been seeing a man who I thought was gorgeous, smart, clever and creative.

We had quite a few dates out, a few fancy dinners. We went to see some of the latest hip bands in cool downtown venues. We went to an art opening. We had a barbecue by the water during the luscious summer months, which turned into a bonfire on the beach late into the night, just the two of us talking.

Last night he had invited me to dinner on a Saturday.

At his house.

Hand clapping, beating heart. I liked where this was going!

I had spent the night.

This very morning, I had to get up super early and head for a previous commitment. But I had been giddy with attraction, slipping out his front door at dawn after whispering goodbye in his ear.

I felt like when you drink several cups of coffee.

Only much better.

Waves of the fun night before would wash through me. And now, it was evening on Sunday, after both of us had spent the day apart after our first night together.

I was on my way back to his house for a light supper of leftovers, he said, but an early night.

Yes….I really liked what was happening. This was fun, fun, fun.

Until.

As he opened that same front door that I had softly opened and closed about 12 hours earlier at the crack of dawn, I saw a strained look.

Oh. He didn’t embrace me, or even kiss me on the cheek.

I asked how his day was.

He said a few words, I followed him into his kitchen. He chatted a little. We went to the back patio to sit until the food was ready. He sat down on wrought iron chair that looked big enough for two, I sat right next to him, very close.

He leaned away, gazed off at the neighbor’s house. As in leaning *away*. Pretty obvious.

“That was kind of weird last night” he said. “I guess we’ve now experienced friends-with-benefits.”

Thunk.

What did he just say?

My heart dove.

Later, and very fortunately, I had The Work…

…so I could take this situation to inquiry.

Even though my head was screaming “How could I have gotten this so wrong? What an idiot I am,” and other thoughts all attacking me.

But have you ever noticed when you berate yourself, you’re missing very important clarity about what you actually think is true?

What I thought was true was I was being rejected.

It hurt.

I crunched down and really looked.

Who would I be without the belief that he should think any tiny little thing between us, including my specialness (or lack of specialness), should be any different?

Without the belief I was being rejected?

Without the belief it needed to go any differently?

I realized I would be filled with gratitude about our time together….

….and also move on to focus on other interesting men, other datable men, maybe men wanting more connection and conversation and time together than this one.

Nothing wrong with this particular man, at all. I could simply notice “oh…got it…” and have fun moving on with joyful anticipation.

Wow, what a relief to find this didn’t have to mean anything about me.

Ha ha!

The heavy weight from my heart lifted like a big hot air balloon floating into the sky.

“You’re the one who believes this lie that hurts so much. I hear from you that if you didn’t believe it, you’d be happy. And when you do believe it, you pry and demand. So how can your husband [or lover] be a problem? You’re trying to alter reality. This is confusion. I’m a lover of reality. I can always count on it. And I love that it can change, too. But I’m a lover of realty just the way it is now.” ~ Byron Katie 

Turns out, I did move on to other brilliant datable men. What an adventure!

One of them, I married.

Because that was, and is, so fun for me.

If you’re stuck in painful stories about who you should, or should not, be attracted to….or who should, or should not, be attracted to you….

….then come join the fun in Our Wonderful Sexuality, the teleclass that begins January 22nd.

It’s safe. It’s honest. It’s a breath of fresh air for sure.

At least, it has been for me.

If teleclasses are not your style, just begin with identifying your troubling beliefs about getting hurt.

You may find some relief, or total liberation.

Much love,

Grace

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An Odd Thing To Do If You Know Someone Sad

Yesterday in our telegroup Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven we looked at a powerfully stressful thought that causes a lot of insanity on the planet…

She should be happy. He should be happy. Everyone should be happy!

All by itself, the idea that you want people to be happy, content, free, or peaceful is of course beautiful, true, and genuinely loving.

We love the world to be happy, all of us do.

But it’s so easy for this one to get twisted into multiple knots of confusion….

….and to bring great suffering upon yourself by wishing someone would be happy who really isn’t.

You know when the wish is stressful, because you feel pain inside your heart and an urgency that they change. You can feel the voices saying crazy mean things like “Get Happy Now, you miserable victim!” or “Snap out of it! Come on!” or “Gimme a smile!” or “Get yourself into therapy immediately!”

What if you first just slowed down this whole Race-For-Happiness thing and accepted that person’s bitter unhappiness, now.

Maybe your kid fell and cut her lip, maybe your friend is going on yet again about her awful boyfriend, maybe your dad is sitting in his chair staring out the window with a lost look, maybe another friend is going into a treatment program and acting suicidal, maybe someone you love lost someone very special.

That person cries, looks sad, sighs deeply, tells you their story. Maybe you’ve heard it before.

Then YOU feel sad, irritated, annoyed or anxious.

Stop.

Notice…who would you be without the belief they need to be happy?

Sometimes people feel guilty, just to imagine not having that belief.

I might skip along and ditch that person forever. I might be uncaring and never helpful. I might be completely self-centered. I might wind up alone, untethered, crazy. I might be abandoned. They might hate me.

I have to help other people become happy! I can’t just be happy and not care about them, that would be WEIRD.

Try it on, though….like you’re trying on a fabulous, interesting, creative new stress-free outfit.

Not having the belief that anyone else needs to be different than they are in this moment.

It doesn’t mean you don’t think they’ll be happier tomorrow, or that you hold in your heart that they arrive at happiness sooner than later, or that you want peace and awareness for them when they feel empty.

But there’s a sense of trust in this moment, here, now…that all that is being felt, including sadness, grief, rage or suicidal thoughts exist in reality….and that there is a path unfolding for everyone.

That’s life.

Without the belief that someone has to be happy in order for me to be at peace, I am free to return to my own happiness.

I can feel the wonder of Not Knowing and remain steady, my practice only to feel love, aliveness, joy in this moment now….even with that unhappy person sitting with me.

In fact, I notice I’m way more attentive, responsive, compassionate, and oddly enough, even more connected to this dear sad person.

It’s like I’m not afraid of sadness or grief or unhappiness in them. I can handle it. I know it’s temporary. I know there’s a substantive, deep pool of acceptance at the bottom of everything.

Even death, depression, failure, loss or hurt.

“Hurt feelings or discomfort of any kind cannot be caused by another person. No one outside me can hurt me. That’s not a possibility. It’s only when I believe a stressful thought that I get hurt. And I’m the one who’s hurting me by believing what I think. This is very good news, because it means that I don’t have to get someone else to stop hurting me. I’m the one who can stop hurting me. It’s within my power…..Questioning our thoughts is the kinder way. Inquiry always leaves us as more loving human beings.” ~ Byron Katie

I don’t have to feel hurt, dread, sad, terrified when someone I love is hurting. Their reactions to their life does not “hurt” me unless I believe my stressful thinking.

As I turn the thoughts around about other people and their pain, and what I think it means, I notice I trust that the universe has got this.

Not me.

I have no absolute answers. I can be here with them, joining closely with love, and not believe they should be any different.

I have no idea what their experience is for, I don’t know what it really means, I don’t know why it happened or didn’t happen.

And that’s OK. Completely.

What a bizarre and strange thing to do when someone else close to me is hurting: nothing. Except be there, without demanding they be different.

Or….maybe joining with them in their unhappiness was the really bizarre, strange move.

As an inquirer in the teleclass said as she described her family “they’re like crabs trying to climb out of a bucket–they pinch and crawl and keep pulling each other down–back into the dark bucket. No one able to get out.”

Who would I be without the thought that the bucket is sad, the crabs are unhappy, this is a terrible, desperate situation from hell?
Unknown. Open.
Who knows what will happen, next?
Much love,
Grace
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How to tell the truth to someone? Start with inquiry.

Everyone is gathered on the phone. We can hear each other’s voices, but can’t see one another. We each see the room we’re in, or the car, the street, the coffee shop, the airport.

Here we are again, ready to look closely at troubling stories in our lives.

The class title? Relationship Hell To Heaven.

And it sure does feel like hell sometimes.

Yikes!

This week, we were looking at the topic “Telling The Truth” and how that impacts or gets twisted up in relationships with others.

When do you not show what you’re really thinking? When do you withhold information? When do you speak up abruptly, or say no, or say “maybe” when you really mean “yes”?

Or vice versa? Say yes when you really mean “no”?

I used to feel like I had to hide PILES of stuff about myself.

Be nice, smile, be helpful, act polite, don’t get too high maintenance or PIA (pain in the ass). Be appealing. Be attractive.

Be OPEN!

(Note: if you scream “RELAX AND OPEN YOUR HEART!!!!” to someone who is afraid, do you think they’ll relax and open their heart? This includes screaming it to yourself.)

I used to notice from time to time I judged some other people as too nicey-nice, too fakey, untrustworthy, false, saccharin, superficial, gooey.

What’s more is, I ALSO noticed when someone was too sharp, edgy, mean, critical, negative, cold, bossy, pushy, constantly making contact and asking mega questions, or rude….it made me really nervous, or irritated.

Jeez! Such strong beliefs about how people should behave, in order to be comfortable!

Even if you think its SOOOOOOO TRUE that someone should stop being so high maintenance OR suspiciously passive…

….who would you be if you couldn’t lock in on that story?

Woah.

Without believing they need to stop being like that, or something’s “wrong” with it, I might rest so much more comfortable.

I might notice I’m worried about hurting their feelings, but I can still say “I love you deeply and I don’t want to do what you’re asking right now.”

I might say “I’ll cook and eat with you tomorrow evening, but today I’m not really into a sit-down meal.”

I wouldn’t have SHOULDS and SHOULDN’Ts hanging over the scene from past teachings, past ideas about what is wrong or right.

I might say “hey when you tease too much about my driving, I start to feel a little hurt because I’m worried you think I’m a bad driver, is that actually true?”

I could check things out, I could say no with lots of love in my heart….

….not because I should have love in my heart, but because I trust the presence of the answer “no” I’m feeling, and when that happens, I also feel love.

I can be with you even when you say (or look like) you’re disappointed about me saying “no”.

Turning the thoughts around about how I think people ought to be, I find I am the one who needs to relax and wait and pause before trying to create a big boundary with someone…..

….or, I am the one who could notice when someone asks or says something, all I need to do is respond. I don’t have to have a hissy fit because they are too fake acting. Maybe they’re scared.

I am safe in relationship to that person.

Every way of being is OK, I can be with others and their requests or contact or words or the way they act….without panicking and overriding my own values.

I can handle it all, I can delight in it all.

Who would you be if you lived the turnaround that everyone’s behavior is acceptable?

I’d be so much more excited about every interaction. I’d move towards or away, but there wouldn’t be such fury about any of my actions.

Everything more fluid.

It doesn’t mean I have to LOVE everyone’s behavior. But it wouldn’t be so dang important.

That’s relationship heaven.

“As long as you perceive that anyone is holding you back, you have not taken full responsibility for your own liberation. Liberation means that you stand free of making demands on others and life to make you happy. When you discover yourself to be nothing but Freedom, you stop setting up conditions and requirements that need to be satisfied in order for you to be happy.” ~ Adyashanti

Much love, Grace

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War Torn Home….Fighting Begins Over House Cleaning

householdchoresarefun
Could household chores be fun? Especially for you?

“I hate your storage tubs! You can’t have them in here! They’re so ugly!”

That’s what came out of my mouth when speaking to my dear husband just the other day.

I was standing in the doorway to the cute little room in our cottage that serves as a guest room, office, the room for my son when he’s home from college.

My husband had three huge rubbermaid green tubs, the size of large cardboard boxes, piled in there. Plus two actual cardboard boxes with stuff inside.

They had been in there a couple of weeks. The bedding and mattress were leaning up against the wall, covering an entire large window so the room was darkish.

I had walked past the open door to the room daily, and thought “We need to move forward with this project of changing the room around. So trashy looking! Like someone can’t finish moving in!”

The thought repeated itself every time I looked in.

Ugh. It looks like a storage closet. Unwelcoming.

It looks like a hoarder’s house. We could be on TV on that show about nut cases who keep everything piled in boxes along the hallways, who collect junk and pay for storage units.

No offense if you like keeping stuff. I tend to lean the opposite, being of the purger sort of mind, and that’s not always peaceful either.

But here’s where my mind went in a matter of maybe 24 seconds.

We aren’t compatible. This is NOT working. 

He needs his own place to live because he likes rubbermaid tubs in the house.

Heh. Heh.

How do I react when I believe someone should place objects or see household items differently than I do?

Oh boy. Such an imperfect world. These people who live around here….

They should empty the dishwasher, they should put their dishes IN the dishwasher, they should wipe the counter, they shouldn’t break my favorite mug, they should empty the garbage when its full, they should put their clothes in their bedroom, they should put their mail somewhere else besides the dining room table, they shouldn’t leave their shoes here, they should turn down that noise, they should close the shower curtain.

The other day a client said “my husband has his crap all over the dining room table, day after day, not moving it! I HATE THIS!”

She had said the same thing five years ago.

Um.

Who would you be without the belief that there is something out of order, and those people should agree?

Woah…without that belief?

Suddenly, I am laughing at the total goofiness of my extremely bizarre conclusions.

I apologize to my husband, and I mean it.

The next day, I take 90 minutes having a blast (seriously) moving the tubs into a closet, boxes into the shed, a few items into drawers, adjusting the furniture, making up the bed with clean sheets, changing lightbulbs, vacuuming, dusting, emptying garbage.

It is sooooo fun.

No one else has to participate in this wonderful activity except for me, the one who noticed it, the one who cares.

“I hate my thoughts which hold onto rigid ideas, keeping them protected in rubber storage tubs! I don’t want them in here! They’re so ugly!”

I chuckle at that little mind so interested in being a victim of other peoples’ movements. Even one man setting a box down can get that victim mind over-excited.

Missing out how much I love to clean, make things pretty, create a gorgeous environment around me. And it doesn’t have to happen yesterday (bossing my own self) either. Things can take the pace they take, the pace that’s possible.

I almost missed it!

“If I want my children to hear me, I’m insane. They’re only going to hear what they hear, not what I say. Let me see, maybe I’ll filter their hearing: ‘Don’t hear anything but what I say.’ Does that sound a little crazy to you?…’Hear what I want you to hear, hear me.’ Insane. And it just doesn’t work….I want them to hear what they hear. I’m not crazy anymore. I’ve a lover of what is.” ~ Byron Katie

If I want my husband to see exactly what I see, and my kids, and have us all agree 100% about what we see and what it means, I’m insane.

I mean really? I want them to suffer because of green storage tubs stacked up in a room, or a dish in the sink? Seriously?

The war can end with me.

Done.

Much love, Grace

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What Was Terrible Changed When I Questioned It

It’s a bright autumn day. Everyone’s bundled in winter coats, freshly taken out of the closet for the colder months ahead.

It’s a family outing to visit my son for parent’s weekend at college.

We run into a favorite professor and have a fabulous conversation, we walk past my son’s classrooms, he points out buildings, he talks about red square, the fountain that spouts water perfectly in unison with the measure of the wind, designed by engineering students, so nobody ever gets splashed by wayward drops while standing or sitting nearby.

Then my son winces.

He’s had an earache, he says, and he’s trying to ignore it.

Immediately I think “Gosh. Let’s head for the student health center!”

He agrees. He’s never been before.

He’s suffered from ear infections in the past. Good to catch it before they’re closed all weekend. Free healthcare.

The whole family, including grandma, assembles in the waiting room. We have a great time talking.

My son beckons to me to follow when his name is called in the waiting room. Just like old times when he was a kid.

Or, maybe I automatically rose out of my chair and went.

There’s a chair for me, the mom, and a chair for my son, and a chair for the nurse. This is a quick intake set-up get-you-in-the-system interview, blood pressure, other basics.

My son answers questions.

And then.

“Do you use marijuana?”

My son hesitates. He looks at me. He makes an oops hesitant smile like, uh-oh, ha-ha.

“Yes”.

“More than once a week?”

“No”.

On the outside I am cool.

Inside I’m having a heart attack.

All my fears of drugs, addiction, failure, horrors, OMG my son’s derailing into a terrible world, come screaming to the surface.

NOOOOOOOOO!

Clearing throat.

Yeah. It was that dramatic.

On the inside.

We leave, have a great evening with our family, enjoy dinner.

I have to wait to sort out how I feel about this *shocking* situation.

Later, I do The Work.

Who would I be without the belief that it is alarming, or awful, or an emergency that my son said YES to using marijuana?

Jeez. A thousand times calmer, that’s for sure.

Who would I be without the belief that this is terrible, terrible, terrible and something surely terrible, terrible, terrible will happen?

Noticing an inner silence that accepts all things, including every kind of drug created by humankind.

I turn the thought around: This is wonderful, interesting information. This is an opportunity. This is not terrible. I can be real, honest. No one is out of control (except my own dramatic thinking). I get to see what I think is so scary about the news. I get to inquire.

After inquiry, I text my son. It’s been three days. I ask if we can skype later, and as always he enthusiastically agrees.

When we’re looking at each other on screen, I say…”That was kinda awkward, right? But I’d love to talk about it with you. I got scared…and…I know you’re very adult and very awesome. I appreciated you telling the truth, that was cool. Can I ask you some questions? Do you have any questions for me?”

He says…”Oh, I almost forgot about that moment, that WAS awkward.” We laugh.

I tell him some interesting family history with drugs and alcohol.

He mentions, before I even ask (it was one of my questions) that he’s smoked pot twice this past year.

Oh.

Not quite as horrifically bad as I pictured.

Ha ha!

“What seemed terrible changes once you’ve questioned it. There is nothing terrible except your unquestioned thoughts about what you see. So whenever you suffer, inquire, look at the thoughts you’re thinking, and set yourself free. Be a child. Know nothing. Take your ignorance all the way to your freedom.” ~ Byron Katie

Even if the story went another way, and my son was experiencing pain and suffering…that would have its freedom, too.

Any situation offers innocence, peace and awareness. Just the right amount, for what I need.

Much love, Grace

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Safety Is Present Now, And Then

“I am not completely safe with that person!”

I was working with all the people enrolled in Relationship Hell to Heaven, and 8 week teleclass I teach, where we identify and question beliefs about those other people….

….especially the people we’ve been super close with.

Our topic for the class session was SHAME.

The exercise all the participants had for homework, to complete before the call, was to consider what you feel most embarrassed about, ashamed of, something you’d prefer to keep secret, when it comes to an important relationship in your life.

It didn’t have to be crazy intense disgusting, or mortifying.

It could be a small embarrassment, a wish that you had handled something differently or that you could take back the way it went down.

Rats. You want me to remember those situations?

Do I have to?

I immediately had three images of people come to mind, as the voices of these beautiful inquirers on the phone all spoke with honesty, and nervousness, in their voices.

Dang, that mind is so quick to remind me of what I consider “bad” behavior on my part, jeez!

There was one that was the worst.

I noticed the face of the person floating through my mind as these courageous inquirers answered the questions and shared their own truth, as they looked at this difficult situation they went through where they didn’t like the way they conducted themselves.

You could cut the harshness with a knife, it was so thick.

Self-criticism is intense, self-loathing vicious.

But then we looked at what we believed it meant, that this situation happened.

What was the conclusion, what did we think was true, what was so painful (besides the attack of the self)? What was the meaning we gave to that moment?

We spent some time looking at ourselves, and what we believed it meant about us that we had behaved that way….

….but THEN we looked at what it meant about the other person in that past encounter, when we thought things didn’t go so well, we didn’t act so smart, when we weren’t in our own integrity.

I wasn’t safe with them! I felt scared! He made me nervous! She made me anxious!

Let’s do The Work, just like our group did.

Is it really true that you were not safe in that situation, with that person? Even emotionally?

Are you sure?

Yes! Absolutely!

That person was pushy, grabby, leaving me, he didn’t care, she didn’t like me, he was critical, she was controlling, he was manipulative, she discounted me, he didn’t give a sh*t, she didn’t listen to me.

I was definitely not in safe territory, in their presence, in that situation.

How did you react when you believed that thought was absolutely true?

I pretended to be nice but did not speak my truth, I ran for dear life, I set rigid boundaries, I pushed him away, I avoided her, my whole body was tense, I couldn’t sleep later, I acted like it was OK when it wasn’t, I felt so sad, I ditched him, I talked about her with everyone I knew.

So who would you be without that thought that you were not safe with that person?

Like if you just pushed the pause button and froze that whole “unsafe” scene from the past and stared at the other person, stared at yourself, watched that past incident….

….without the belief in your mind that it was unsafe to be in that situation?

First, I notice I see him, doing what he did….and I feel the memory of adrenaline, even a touch of it right now, but I hold still, watching.

Without the thought that I’m not safe with that person, that it wasn’t a safe moment…

…I see nothing physically unsafe occurring.

Ha, that’s kinda funny.

I remember a gesture, him reaching out his hand, him saying some words, they were floating in the air. I heard them. Then I moved the way I did. We walked up a street. I got in my car. I drove away.

Nothing more.

No grabbing, no force, no violence. No danger.

As we did our work together in that group call, it suddenly occurred to one of the participants….

….wow, like, what is “safe” anyway?

Comfort? Relaxation? Calm? Security? Absence of dread, or images, or bad feelings? No possible imagined threat whatsoever?

And WHO is the one THINKING those threatening, alarming, worse-case scenario thoughts anyway? Who is imagining that situation was so unsafe, I freak myself out about it again even when all I’m doing is remembering the situation?

“I am not completely safe with my own mind!”

Could that be true, or truer?

“You must come out of hiding behind any superstitious beliefs and find the courage to question everything, otherwise you will continue to hold onto superstitions which distort your perception and expression of that which is only ever awake…You must want to know the truth more than you want to feel secure in order to fully awaken to the fact that you are nothing but Awakeness itself.” ~ Adyashanti

I look around and notice….how very safe I am.

Life buzzing in this body, happening now, and now, and now.

Much more than my little dramatic memories and movies playing in my head.

“The worst thing you’ll ever have to face in life is a thought, a sensation, an emotion, a sound, a smell, happening in THIS moment..” ~ Jeff Foster

There is something in here, in all of us, that is completely and totally safe.

Infinite, unmoving.

Exciting!

Much love, Grace

 

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Is Love Really Always Better Than Hate?

Yesterday I created a webinar and lots of people attended…. although I have no idea how many were still online by the end of the 90 minutes it took for me to go through my slides.

(Here’s the link to listen to the recording. Sit down with a pen and paper to take some notes….I share some of the tools I love that helped me become peaceful with food for the past several decades).

Click Here to Listen

I’d love feedback.

Really.

And have you ever noticed a part of you that doesn’t want feedback for something you’ve offered?

“No…don’t give me any feedback. I don’t wanna know, actually. I only want compliments. I don’t want REAL feedback, I want approval.”

Ha ha!

That’s the voice of the one who feels empty sometimes.

The other day, in the Year of Inquiry (YOI) group, we looked at the thought “that person should tell me where I stand!”

Oh the pain, the agony, the wondering, the hand-wringing.

What do they think of me?

I asked one wonderful inquirer in our group….if you knew that what the person thinks of you is BAD….would you still want to know where you stand?

She replied YES.

It is interesting how some part of us just wants to know, so we can make our plans, lick our wounds, move on, make a decision, envision the future, close a door on the past.

But inside, I noticed that what I REALLY REALLY would love, really really, if I were to know where I stand with someone, was that I was appreciated, loved, and accepted.

I don’t really like the idea of knowing someone’s honest belief was that I was stupid, boring, ridiculous, good-for-nothing, worthless.

At least, under the surface for me, it seems like it’d be better to find approval, love, attention, and attraction from others rather than disapproval, hate, dismissal and repulsion.

But what a great thing to question.

Receiving loving attention is better than receiving strong criticism.

Is that true?

Yes. Duh! Haven’t you studied psychology? Have you noticed what humans do when they don’t receive enough loving attention?

How about the monkeys they did experiments on in the 1970s where researchers gave some baby monkeys metal fake monkey mothers who gave them no attention, while other baby monkeys were placed in cages with real monkey mothers?

The baby monkeys with real monkey mothers were MUCH HAPPIER! I rest my case!

Are you positively sure?

Yes! Critical comments, people saying “ewww that sucked” or people saying “listening to you was a waste of my time” or metal monkeys that sit there and don’t snuggle or interact….

….these really don’t seem as fun. Heh heh.

How do I react when I believe praise and whatever-I-think-love-looks-like is MUCH better than criticism and people turning away, or saying “hurtful” things?

I want to hide. Give up.

I want to get away from people. I don’t feel connected. I question the point of living. I want to escape. I start thinking about watching the next Breaking Bad episode, or that maybe I’ll get a day job.

Many people console themselves with food, smoking, drinking, sexual stimulation of some kind, drugs, projects, work, cleaning, facebooking, distraction, avoidance.

Many people feel shame, embarrassment, like it’s their fault they’ve generated a “negative” response inside someone.

Only positive responses should be coming their way.

Otherwise…..bad bad person. Unworthy.

But who would you be if you couldn’t even think that receiving praise, attention, words or gestures of attraction, interest, love, approval, gifts, smiles….

….who would you be if you didn’t think these things were better than receiving criticism, judgment, disinterest, rejection, anger, hate, disapproval, dismissal, frowns?

Weird, right?

So hooked up to like the love stuff better than the hate stuff. Hee hee. Of course!

But without the belief that it’s truly, deeply, horrifically worse to receive “negative” feedback….

….I feel so open.

Surrendered, in a good and beautiful way.

Ready, willing, learning, aware. It’s like the juiciest gift to hear the real perceptions of people. The most fascinating thing. No need to run whatsoever. No need to hide.

It saves a lot of energy, and frantic reacting. There is peace present, a most incredible peaceful energy, glowing from the center of me.

The energy passes right through me, and out the other side. It rises like a wave, and recedes back down.

“If somebody says something that we don’t like, obviously our resistance won’t stop them from having said it. What we’re really resisting is the experience of the event passing through us. We don’t want it affecting us inside…..Eventually you’ll see that this resistance is a tremendous waste of energy. Events are not problems, they’re just events. Your resistance to them is what causes the problem.” ~ Michael Singer

Without the belief that love is better than hate in my mind, I notice love is here anyway, not hate.

There was nothing to worry about.

Even hate seems like it’s a piece of love, maybe distorted a little (or a lot). It has caring in it, interest, passion.

And I honestly notice, there is none of that flowing around me, anywhere at the moment.

Turning the thought around: Receiving strong criticism is better than receiving loving attention.

Can you find where this has been genuinely true?

I sure can. The critical words of others has changed the course of my life. From a sister saying “stop complaining and get a job!” to me about 30 years ago….to a man saying “you’re ugly!” who I was on a date with almost 7-8 years ago….

….these people made me wake up, feel the heat, eyes wide open.

They helped me on my path to freedom.

Freedom to hear anything and everything, without fear.

And go from there, with integrity.

In the end, I realize, love or hate…it doesn’t really matter. There is a neutral silence here at all times that is far beyond either one of those energies, and it is lusciously good.

“She cares for nothing but the Tao. Thus she can care for all things.” ~ Tao Te Ching #64 

If you’re ready to go on a journey of digging into where you’ve felt “hate” for yourself around food, eating, body size, movement….then we begin on Sunday. Head over HERE to sign up.

Much love, Grace 

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Are You Afraid They Done You Wrong?

NightStormThinking

Have you ever awakened after sleeping, whether it’s morning or the middle of the night, with a feeling of dread or negative anticipation?

Probably.

Everyone has had a nightmare, or felt impending doom, or been nervous about an idea that crossed their mind….and everyone’s been surprised by someone else’s behavior.

But if you feel the looming dread, it’s pretty uncomfortable. Or downright debilitating. You might have images of that mean person who hurt you floating through your psyche. Maybe even from a very long time ago….so long, you hardly remember.

Even though the present moment is fine, you’re in a room sitting or lying there and nothing threatening is actually happening (usually the case when you wake up from a bad dream) you’ve got a feeling you can’t shake.

Fear.

The thing is, that fear or sense of being haunted feels like something visiting you. It affects you. Even if all that’s going on is you’re lying in your bed…..with thoughts.

So….what to do?

What I’m about to say won’t be that surprising.

Even though I know how to do The Work and question my thoughts….I don’t always sit down, take out my pen and paper, and start to investigate.

Instead, there’s a kind of built-in impulse.

It’s called Fight or Flight.

We perceive there is a dilemma, a threat. Something hurt us, or is about to hurt us. It hurt once, it could hurt again.

So we say “I’m gonna KILL that evil person who stabbed me in the back!!!” or we say “I will never, EVER put myself in that position again!!”

Attack or Run.

And there’s nothing wrong with you if that’s where your mind goes. It’s a very natural, innocent reaction to the fear.

So how can you get out of that reactive mode when you’re really overwhelmed, and you might not exactly WANT to do The Work in that frightened moment? Here’s a suggestion that’s worked really, really well for me, that might be helpful for you, too.

Grow the fear even bigger. 

Yes, you read that right.

Clearly define your nightmare, your most terrible fear, the WORST that could happen. What is most terrifying thing you’re nervous about, in that vision, in that feeling of dread?

This can be tricky….so here’s an example from my life. A situation where fear appeared in my mind and body in the night, after I got triggered during the day.

Several years ago, I open a letter I get from the state government where I live. I am a credentialed Certified Counselor and I get mail from the Department of Health from time to time. No big deal. I’m curious. Maybe it’s about my annual fee that’s almost due.

I start to read the letter.

My heart suddenly skips a beat and my stomach flips.

The letter says that someone has made an anonymous complaint about me indicating I haven’t REALLY graduated and don’t have a master’s degree. There are a few more bullet points, a couple of them sound really bonkers and weird, like a slightly crazy person wrote them.

Huh? What the ?

I know the statements in the letter aren’t true, not a single one. So that’s not the worrisome part.

My mind goes to who on earth would do such a thing? I can’t get off combing my mind for WHO.

Why? Who? Why? Who? What have I missed? Who did this? Why would someone want to do this? Or even think this?

That first night, I can’t sleep in the middle of the night after waking. I’m thinking about this situation.

I know I have to turn and face this fear, and understand it, instead of ruminating and perseverating over who or why this has happened….because none of that is going to help me. I learned that the hard way.

I start to write.

What is the WORST that could happen?

I see made-up visions.

Police cars screech in to my driveway, men with uniforms handcuff me and push my head down as I get crammed into a police car. I am rushed to jail somewhere and there’s a newspaper story about how terrible I am….even though they got the wrong person.

I can no longer work, I am shunned, I can’t earn money, people walk away from me like I smell. I’m all alone, destitute and abandoned. No place to live, I can’t support my kids. I have to get a job doing something I don’t even like, working 9-5.

What else?

There’s a person with some kind of demented personality disorder, or a paranoid sort, someone really freaky who is also obsessed with me or angry with me for some unknown reason, who is going to jump out of the bushes, or take me down in some sneaky very creepy way…..starting with this lie.

I picture the worst with painstaking detail, I let my mind have it’s total conniption fit.

My reputation destroyed, I owe money, my current career over, and a really messed up sick person out there trying to hurt me.

Now I can feel the pain in my heart in a huge way. I see what I imagine is the most awful thing.

I am all alone, hated, rejected.

I can investigate this terrible state of aloneness, hate, banishment, rejection….and really examine the truth of it.

Being alone and betrayed is hell. And it’s someone’s fault. Not mine.

Is it true?

Yes. I can’t survive it. I’m too sad, too hurt. I am a victim of someone’s sick behavior. It’s wrong. It’s hell.

Really?

Can you absolutely know that you can’t survive? Are you sure you’re in hell? Are you positive you’re alone, and betrayed, condemned, unsafe, lost, banished?

Are you completely positive you are a victim? That this is someone else’s fault?

Wow. No.

I’m not sure of anything here. All that happened is I opened a letter. I don’t have to know why, or who. I can stand here, noticing my reality is that I am in the world where tough things happen, people get upset and do harmful things, I am still alive and breathing.

Funny how quick to jump to the I’ve-Been-Done-Wrong story.

“Why do we need to constantly define our experience? Can we not just experience each moment, as it is. Without a story?….The mind is evolved to impose, manufacture, to dream order into existence. It’s an order-creating machine, and explanation machine. Why this, why that? It tries to create order out of infinity. But when it runs amuck, it tries to create order out of EVERYTHING. It becomes a cancer. Why is there suffering, why does God let this happen, why did you look at me that way? Why is this moment the way it is? You don’t know why. Simple.” ~ Adyashanti 

Who would I be without the belief that someone can hurt me? That I have been betrayed, falsely accused? That I’m in danger? That this MEANS I’m alone?

Without the belief that I’m a victim?

Holy Smokes.

What if I’m safe? What if I could notice that reality is kind, not dangerous? What if this is an invitation…to relax into this experience without defending, without attacking, without needing to explain. A moment to feel the joy of seeing it differently.

What if….

….this is my opportunity for spiritual growth, for true forgiveness? To let go, to open my hands and stay right here, without making a punching fist. To notice that nothing is actually wrong.

What if this is my chance to not think of myself as attacked, as a victim?

“When you approach the barrier areas of your thoughts and emotions, it feels like going into an abyss. You don’t want to go near that place. But you can go there, and if you want to get out, you will go there. Eventually you will realize that darkness is not what’s really there.” ~ Michael Singer

Turning the original terrified statement around: Being alone and betrayed is not hell, it is heaven. It is uplifting. It is an invitation, an initiation. I am not alone, I am not betrayed. I am totally and completely connected. I am supported and loved. Whoever did this could be suffering and feels alone, or betrayed, confused, doing the best they can.

I turn it all around to myself, only.

I have had an inner voice that’s been really quite brutal. It criticizes, judges, pushes. Listening to that mean voice, I have betrayed myself, I have shoved myself into the dark. I have banished me, hated and criticized me, attacked myself. I have lied about myself and said crazy whacked things about me that were not true. I have thought I might not be able to really help anyone, I have thought I’m not good enough, I’ve felt less than, small, powerless. I’ve cut myself down.

“Perception is but a mirror, not a fact. What I look on is my state of mind reflected outward.” ~ A Course In Miracles

If I am not a victim, I cannot be harmed. I cannot be banished. Or permanently hurt, or damaged forever, or crushed, or destroyed.

I notice that right now, in that fearful state then and as I write this, looking back and remembering that night when I was scared….

….the sun has come up, gone down, life went on, and the silence in the center of my heart and soul has never been broken.

Sleep happened.

Exciting to notice.

No matter what strange things have befallen you, no matter what pain and terror you have experienced, or what confusion other people have created in your life….can you feel what’s here that is empty and joyful all at once?

Even if it seems like you can’t feel it….just wait.

“If you want peace, you don’t talk to your friends. Talk to your enemies.” ~ Desmond Tutu

Much love, Grace

P.S. If you’d like to see a copy of my master’s degree and all accompanying official documents…they are on my website now for all the world to see (smile).

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No Suppression, No Aggression, No Suffering

It is truly incredible to me the power of some stories (especially one I’m going to mention today experienced by moi), and how deep they run and how intensely they stick.

Especially if they haven’t been seen in the light but stay down in the underworld, half hidden from consciousness.

Today I’m talkin’ about the Story of Nicey-Nice and it’s flip sided neighbor Argh-Aggressive.

What is up with that auto-pilot Be Nice and Seethe Inside thing?

Here’s what I mean by auto-pilot.

A few examples:

Person starts talking to me. They talk, talk and talk some more about their terrible aunt who is evil. It’s the fifth or tenth time I’ve heard about the aunt. The story is the same. I remain quiet, even though my stomach hurts. I do not say “you know, I’ve heard you speak about this so often, I don’t ever want to hear it again, you complaining ninny.”

Person asks if they can enroll in the program I’m teaching for free. I don’t let them know that it actually cost me, then, to have them in the program. I would be paying for them. I say yes, even though I don’t feel good or right about it.

Person sends me gifts in the mail, leaves presents for me in my car, drops items for me into my bag at work. I don’t say “what’s with the gift-giving slightly stalker weirdness, can you please stop?”

Person tells me I’m unfriendly because I don’t smile at her and say hello in the morning. I don’t want to, I just want to focus on the project I’m hired to work on. I don’t tell her “I won’t be doing that.” I say “hi” for awhile but then give up.

Person asks me if I want to go on a boat ride with him and his dog. That sounds horrible. I don’t say “no, I get seasick and I’m not that into pets”. I feel guilty for not being into pets. I don’t answer his emails.

Person starts showing me their photos of their vacation and there are about 5000 of them. All landscapes. I don’t say “I’ve seen enough, thanks.” I keep looking and nodding but thinking when the hell will this be over.

Person asks me to teach them everything I know about marketing and promoting and growing my business over lunch. I think about the thousands of dollars I’ve invested in learning what I know for the past three years and how huge this request is. I say “sure, we can do that sometime” but I won’t ever do that.

You get the picture.

And then the worst situations for me when I’ve been Not Authentic, shall we say, have been with men on dates, in relationships, when sexual encounters were a possibility, or underway.

There’s a moment.

The feeling that I want to go more slowly, or stop, or that I don’t like something is clear. But I never spoke up!

Today, before the Sexuality class began, I was reading over the curriculum (which is awesome, by the way). I loved zoning in on this way of being, and looking again carefully, without hacking myself to bits for having done it.

The way I used to be, I frequently said nothing in situations where I felt conflict or concern.

After doing The Work on a few of these more intense situations…

…I realized that I wanted the person who did something objectionable (in my opinion) to change so that I could be more comfortable.

Otherwise, I might have to speak up, tell the truth about myself in that moment. Horror of horrors.

The truth that was “I don’t like that! No thank you! Stop! Ewww! Really? I feel afraid, I’m angry.”

I had great fear that if I did speak up, the person to whom I was speaking might feel hurt, and then hurt me back, and then I’d feel hurt.

So let’s question that thought today. The idea that it might be safer to keep quiet, or safer to speak up, and uncertainty about both.

Is that true that it’s safer to keep quiet? Or safer to speak up?

Rats. I don’t know. Wait. Yes. I actually do think this is true. It feels safer to keep quiet. Yes. But I should speak up, dang it. Help! I don’t know!

How do you react when you believe NOT telling someone to stop, or that you don’t like what’s happening, is easier and safer? How about when you believe it’s better to sock-it-to-em and tell it like it is?

I’m nervous, agonizing over right and wrong. I’m terrified.

Who would you be without the belief that speaking up is better…or keeping your opinion to yourself is safer? Without the belief that either one is right or wrong?

I’d relax and trust more. I wouldn’t be so suspicious of what’s going to happen in five minutes, or tomorrow.

Wow. There would be no future.

I’d say what I really think, with a sense of clarity, even love.

I wouldn’t believe I have to put up with things, allow things to happen without saying how I feel. I wouldn’t think I have to scream to be protected. I’d honor myself, as well as the other people. It would be exciting!

Turning the thought around: Telling the truth is safer. 

It saves a whole lot of time.

I think of how many relationships dragged on and on in a certain unsatisfying way because I didn’t tell the truth. Like I was clinging to being likable, and avoiding hurt.

What if instead I stepped out on the ice and skated, being freely who I am, and THEN saw who showed up to play with me?

That sounds much more fun, much more real. It’s more solid, genuine, deep, kind, loving.

I’d notice how much I love honesty and clarity from others, whether they are more soft-spoken or direct. I notice how openness, calm, kindness and sharpness are all beautiful elements of great conversation.

And I love myself when I’m honest with ME, not trying to pretend I like stuff I don’t like. That’s the most important of all.

“To discover our autonomy is the most challenging thing a human being can do. Because in order to discover our autonomy, we must be free from all external control or influence. This means that we must free our mind from all that it has collected, all that it clings to, all that it depends on.” ~ Adyashanti

I find there is a place beyond all turnarounds, where there is no concern for safety, but no urgency….a sort of waiting, maybe a true silence, that is deeply genuine.

Real feelings coming up in the moment. Feelings that say “get away from me” or “be quiet” or “no I don’t buy you begging me to help you mediate your arguments with other people” or “slow down” or “I’m leaving” or “quit bossing me”.

But falling back, not being silent because you’re so terrified of being disliked or hateful, but instead relaxing with the sensations….this goes beyond all strategies for what-to-do next.

“Patience has a lot to do with getting smart at that point and just waiting: not speaking or doing anything. On the other hand, it also means being completely and totally honest with yourself about the fact that you’re furious. You’re not suppressing anything–patience has nothing to do with suppression. In fact, it has everything to do with a gentle, honest relationship with yourself….This suggests the fearlessness that goes with patience. If you practice the kind of patience that leads to the de-escalation of aggression and the cessation of suffering, you will be cultivating enormous courage.” ~ Pema Chodron 

There is no safer. It’s an illusion.

Just be you, without any requirement to fix, help, appease, diminish, change, switch, improve you or anyone else.

Now that’s a wonderful practice. We can call it Beyond Safety.

Beyond Nicey-Nice and Argh-Aggressive and all that flip-flopping.

I notice that in this realm, there is no forever suffering.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. August Summer Camp For The Mind starts next week. Only $97 to join with other inquirers this final month of summer to question your thinking and change your world. Sign up this weekend.