Relationships – Page 19 – The Work of Byron Katie with Grace

March 26, 2015

A Terrifying Story Turns Funny

picturesandstories — inquiry always leaves you with less of a story…or a funnier one

I was working with a woman who had a very troubling memory.

Raging in her household, frightened times, hiding in a closet.

These dramatic experiences are difficult to remember and recall. Isn’t this the stuff worth forgetting? Don’t I prefer to get away from it, not dredge it up, shaking the bottle of settled water with sediment sitting on the bottom?

Now, the bottle is full of cloudy water! I hate this! Why do I want to look at that old memory, what good could it possibly do?!

It’s naturally human to feel resistance to remembering something difficult. And no one says you have to go over it again.

But with The Work, what I noticed for me is…..

…..the profound relief of discovering my memories getting resolved and taking their natural place.

In the past.

And sometimes, they become kind of funny, instead of horrific.

A memory.

I am in the dining room with my entire family, everyone has just taken their seat (we always sit in the same seats) and the meal is beautiful and elegant. Silverware, place mats, traditional antique grand table.

One of my sisters and I have set up a tape recorder to “PLAY” on the side board with a one-hour recording tape running. The tape recorder went missing for awhile, under someone’s bed, but now we’ve found a new blank tape and are working as spies.

Dinner is served, the meal is underway. My sister and I keep looking at each other and giggling, knowing EVERYTHING is being recorded. We are doing a great secret job.

We’re giddy with excitement. My other sisters who don’t even know we’ve got the tape recorder running both chime in with the giggling, getting in the game, and someone laughs boisterously and everyone’s snorting at once.

There’s a commotion.

Suddenly dad slams both palms down on the table, stands up, yells “I want some goddamn quiet in here!!!!”

We’re frozen and silent.

He hits his hand on the wall and shouts again “goddamnit!” and storms out of the dining room.

We hear the door slam as he leaves.

My mom gets up silently and starts clearing the plates and tells us to help.

We all clear the table to the kitchen, put dishes in the dishwasher. My mom goes upstairs with the two younger sisters. There’s empty quiet in the kitchen.

My sister and I nod to each other, and meet at the tape recorder.

Silently, I push rewind and we stare at the humming wheels, speeding back to the beginning until clunk, it hits the beginning. I slowly reach to the PLAY button, and push it. We stand, huddled over the recorder with the volume very low and we listen intently, not saying a word.

We hear the whole dinner table scene….and then….the terrible YELL from my dad.

With a panic my sister punches the STOP button and we both gasp and cover our mouths with horror. We have actually recorded a most terrible moment. Our hearts are beating.

Get that moment off the tape recorder, ASAP. I push erase and rewind.

Now, decades later, I marvel remembering that incident.

It was a “terrible” moment. My dad left the house for hours. He wasn’t even home yet when we went to bed.

And who am I now, in this moment, remembering that dinner table, and all my sisters, and the giggling and laughing and snorting, and my dad losing it?

Weird.

The coincidence of actually TAPE RECORDING one of the few times my dad absolutely lost his temper and stormed out of the house.

Who could have planned it?

I see now how ingenious reality was.

Making it double-obvious and crystal clear that an angry explosion had just happened. And reminding me so well about my terror of my dad getting angry and the absurdity of catching it on tape, I get to remember that moment with fresh eyes.

The eyes of much greater wisdom, and the heart of someone who can see something that is not frightening, now that I think about it.

Maybe this loving heart and these wiser eyes were also there all the way back then, when I felt like the whole situation was my fault and I was the oldest and shouldn’t have shaken things up like that.

Without my beliefs about anger and my father, or anyone else’s anger, I feel so much lighter.

I even feel like chuckling at that scene.

Or belly laughing.

That was HILARIOUS the way that happened. Don’t you agree?

Maybe you can see your difficult memory with different eyes and heart as well?

Even if your memory really wasn’t that funny….maybe you notice that right now, here, you are completely safe and its over, and its OK to take a look at what was going on back in that memory, to see if you missed anything.

Maybe something you thought was true, actually isn’t?

“Inquiry always leaves you with less of a story. Who would you be without your story? You never know until you inquire. There is no story that is you or that leads to you. Every story leads away from you. You are what exists before all stories. You are what remains when the story is understood.” ~ Byron Katie

Love, Grace

P.S. We’re talking about Desire in a free webinar today at 10 am Pacific. Come on over! Visit yesterday’s Grace Note for link.

March 22, 2015

You Know That Person Who Bugs You? Free Yourself Now…Here’s How

Join Grace to question stressful relationships

My daughter (who is 17) just informed me 9 years ago the very first tweet was sent.

Now, you may be saying….

….Who cares!?!

But I find technology and the internet sort of fascinating, although a little confusing.

The thing that got me a moment later after hearing this news was thinking about whomever started “twitter” and sent out that tweet.

They decided to send a very short communication out into the world, like birds.

Hello! Tweet!

The reason I’m sharing this today is….I’ve had a huge mind change on the concept of sharing, when I started Grace Notes 3 years ago.

I write them for everyone, including me.

Totally exposed, honest, kind of embarrassing.

But people can relate.

We’re all inquiring together. I can feel how incredible it is. This is not personal.

What’s this sharing like?

Its just expressing who you are and what you feel and what you desire and where you get stuck.

If you feel like protecting yourself, withholding, hiding, running away, going into a hidey hole….

….nothing terrible about having that feeling….

….but you might just consider turning around and doing the opposite instead.

I’m not suggesting tweeting, by the way. Just sharing in the best way you can the honest, unabashed truth of yourself.

This means your fears, your sadness, your love, your desires.

On Tuesday a small group of brave people will get together on the phone (some will use skype from other countries) to identify their most difficult, disturbing, fearful, mean, bratty thoughts about a very important person in their lives.

Strange, right?

But we get right down into it, with our judgments and immature ideas so we can then bring them through the self-inquiry process known as The Work to see what’s really accurate for us, and what it might feel like to turnaround these thoughts.

We’ll get to use our imagination…..for good, not evil (you can laugh like a mad scientist and wring your hands together for fun here).

It’s actually true.

You wind up taking these pestering, painful thoughts and answering four simple but profound questions about them, seeing the way they’re running your life and your behavior.

Just in the looking….you can see more clearly.

There’s one spot left in the Relationship Hell To Heaven class beginning at 5:15 pm Pacific Time on Tuesday….but you don’t have to wait until then.

Even if you can’t join the class, start today with a little inquiry session with yourself.

Download the attached Judge Your Neighbor worksheet and let it rip. Don’t hold back. Holding back has gotten you nowhere, right? So let it fly, on paper.

Then take only the very first one, and put it at the top of a One Belief At A Time worksheet. And start writing out your answers to the questions.

You may find some relief, or a whole new way of looking at your own thoughts, by the time you’re through. If you need more help, visit www.thework.com.

When you see things differently with those other troubling people, you act differently, you say different things, you make different faces, you stand and sit differently, you feel differently.

This is all the difference in the world. Really.

“Your mind has very little control over this world. It is neither omniscient nor omnipotent. It cannot control the weather and other natural forces. Nor can it control all people, places, and things around you. You have give your mind an impossible task by asking it to manipulate the world in order to fix your personal inner problems. If you want to achieve a healthy state of being, stop asking your mind to do this. Just relive your mind of the job of making sure that everyone and everything will be the way you need them to be so that you can feel better inside.” ~ Michael Singer

The Work is one of the most simple ways to stop mentally telling others how to change to make you happy. Even when you don’t say it out loud.

Come back to yourself by sharing the truth of what you’re thinking. Do The Work on those important relationships. Find out what you really need to make yourself happy, without expecting those other people to change.

You’ll feel free.

What could be better than that?

If you want to join Relationship Hell to Heaven, click HERE.

I can’t wait to work with everyone. You are awesome.

Love, Grace

March 19, 2015

Question Your Thoughts About Relationships, Have A Real Vacation

My colleague Ralf Giesen, also a Certified Facilitator of The Work of Byron Katie, was powerfully moved by The Work in 2003.

A friend facilitated him on the beach during a vacation when he was filled with agonizing, repetitive thoughts about a relationship. For his 14 day vacation, the first ten days were full of stressful thoughts, but after the work….

….he got a real 4 day vacation for the remainder of his time at the beach.

I so appreciate Ralf sharing some of his journey in The Work with us.

Click here to watch our conversation.

Does his dilemma sound familiar–having repetitive thoughts about a relationship?

I myself have had overwhelming thoughts about key relationships in my life.

Not just romantic encounters or people I’ve been attracted to. But friends who have done things I’ve found shocking, or very painful, and work mates and colleagues who have said frightening things.

These are the moments for The Work.

This is where you get to deeply face yourself and your own thinking, and find out what you DO have control over….

….not other people, not what happens “to” you….

….but your reaction, your own experience.

What would take you away from feeling unconditional love, joy and acceptance, right here, right now?

Is it true?

If you want to spend more time investigating your thoughts about love, relationships, and the turmoil you’ve believed about them, come join Relationship Hell to Heaven TeleCourse starting next week and Bring It!

Love, Grace

March 18, 2015

It Only Takes One Person To Have A Good One

question your thoughts and find relationship heaven, not hell

Getting full for the Relationship Hell To Heaven 8 week telecourse that starts next Tuesday evening Pacific Time at 5:15-6:45 pm/8:15-9:45 pm Eastern.

If you want to register, do it soon.

To commit or not commit?

Isn’t that just a perfect relationship type dilemma?

Sometimes people have huge agony about making decisions when it comes to relating to others:

Should I do it, or not do it? Should I stay or should I go? When should I give up and move on? Should I reconnect with that old flame? Do I want to respond or stay quiet? Do I need to talk about this, or relax? Should I sign up or wait?

People have these kinds of questions about primary relationships, friendships, jobs, education choices, moving, having kids.

Moving towards or away from something or someone.

So what’s actually going on when it feels difficult, torturous, like you’re making lists of pros and cons, like it’s a matter of life and death practically (even if you know it isn’t)?

Emergency. Put on the spot. Sad. Confused.

Here’s a step that might help in your process, so you relax and allow life to unfold more easily in whatever way feels most aligned.

Look first at what you think is uncomfortable about your choices.

For example….

A long-term client and big fan of The Work and my teleclasses and retreats once asked me a question.

Can I bring my new boyfriend?

The event she wanted to bring her new boyfriend to was a private retreat where everyone involved had paid a fairly big investment to participate over a long period of time in our Year of Inquiry program.

The retreat was a 3 day in-person retreat. Not everyone coming would know each other well, but one thing was shared–they all were deeply involved in YOI and a part of this special group.

This isn’t one of my workshops that’s open to everyone, which most of them are. There are other opportunities for the new boyfriend.

But the request had come with a promise that this new boyfriend loved The Work, had done long-term self-inquiry, would be an incredible asset to the group.

Oooh. Gosh.

It’s nice to have men involved. That’s a wonderful benefit. Some of my programs have 100% women!

But it may be strange for the other participants involved, who didn’t know they could bring THEIR partners and now it appears they CAN….or this might be GOOD, right? They might enjoy this new possibility!

And what about the fee? Other people have paid a lot for a whole year and this is a major event that some participants look forward to all year, the profound aliveness that can happen during an in-person gathering….but its not the whole year, it’s 3 days.

Hmmm. What to do?

If you’ve debated within about saying “yes” or saying “no” this can be really troubling, and something that even wakes you up in the night, going over the pros and cons yet again, feeling anxiety or uncertainty.

So what’s the worst that could happen if you say “no”?

What’s the worst that could happen if you say “yes”?

Notice what your mind is frightened of, in its imagination.

She won’t like me. She won’t come at all. Others will be upset with me. This will be valuable. This will be difficult.

What do you think it means if you opt-out? What about joining in?

Whatever is stressful about it….how about taking it through inquiry?

Doing The Work doesn’t mean you’ll change your mind to the other option, but you can become free, free, free about your choice potentially, if you question the danger you perceive.

Here’s how.

If I choose “x” then I will be unhappy.

How so?

I’ll be trapped. I’ll have to deal with this other person for the rest of my life. I’ll experience pain.

Or, the opposite: I’ll be lonely. I’ll be needy. I’ll be all alone and abandoned for the rest of my life.

Whatever happens, I’ll have regrets. It will be my fault. That will hurt!

Is that true? Are you sure?

Who would you be without your thought?

If you have questions….you can ASK THEM.

I myself wound up polling a few participants from the Year of Inquiry retreat and found every single person a) appreciated being asked and b) said they preferred not to open our retreat to outside participants.

These people are my peeps who I am in service to. I acknowledged their concerns and made my decision that the new boyfriend wouldn’t attend. Simple.

The participant with the request was disappointed but understanding. But even if she had not been, it felt right at the time.

This can take time and attention. You have to find out what your fears are, and check them out, investigate.

Then you can expand your view and make a mature, open-minded decision, even if it feels scary in some ways.

Who would you be if there was no way to make a mistake?

Wow.

“It only takes one clear person to have a good relationship.” ~ Byron Katie

I’d weigh my options and follow my heart and the most peaceful path, with love.

It would turn out great, or difficult. No guarantees.

But I’d be present, clear, lovable…happy. No matter what other people do.

If you find yourself experiencing pain, stress, irritation, agony around someone else in your life–parent, partner, boss, employee, neighbor–then come join us in Relationship Hell To Heaven to begin to inquire and find your freedom to be clear.

Click HERE to register.

Love, Grace

March 16, 2015

Are You Sure You Were Hurt And Might Get Hurt Again?

We need to talk.

Have you ever had someone text you, or leave a voicemail, or send you an email, or mail you a letter, or say this when you see each other….

….and you have a little voice inside that says “oh no”?

Surge of adrenaline.

Maybe the inner frightened voice takes off chattering.

What’d I do? What’s the problem now? They don’t like me.

Sometimes people think those four words “we need to talk” mean you’re about to get broken up with! Ouch.

This is one of my favorite ideas to do The Work on…..

….the story that I am about to be hurt by someone’s words, because they are not pleased with my behavior.

Whether they’re about to say I’m a jerk, or they didn’t like what I did or said, or they’re so unhappy they are leaving this relationship, it can bring up a strange sense of fear.

Let’s take a look, using The Work.

You may notice, you’ve believed this thought for years, since you were a kid even.

Here’s the Big Stressful Belief in summary:

It is possible to be hurt by other people’s words (or actions).

Dang. Doesn’t that seem true?

Is it?

Yes, yes, yes!

People are mean. People have said hard things. They’ve left me. They’ve cut me off. They’ve told me they don’t like stuff I do, or think, or say.

It’s made me cry. I’ll do anything to avoid it. It feels like a knife in my heart.

I hate when people don’t like me. It sucks.

Are you sure? Are you absolutely sure it’s true?

Wow. Really?

But wait.

Think about this answer, deeply.

Can other people really hurt you with their words, or actions? What do you mean by “hurt”?

Do they not have a right to their opinion? Is it a permanent opinion, or something changeable?

Does everyone have to like you? Does everyone have to look like someone who is kind, or loving, or caring?

I notice that people who act nice sometimes aren’t, and people who act mean sometimes aren’t.

I notice human feelings are movable, malleable, changing.

How do you react when you believe you can be hurt?

Do you stay away from people? Do you make sure not to get too close? Do you stay home, just to avoid possible rejection? Do you keep quiet in a group or a classroom? Do you act agreeable, saying “yes” when you really mean “no”? Do you smile a lot?

Phew.

Now don’t get upset with yourself for being such a pleaser. You’ve done what you needed to do, you thought, in order to survive.

This is not the time to say you’re stupid for being so worried about what other people think.

This is learning, here. You’re OK.

I was at a huge party not long ago. An acquaintance I was speaking to I realized had a few drinks. He was talking about an event next fall and telling me the dates of when it would be happening and how I had to come, and leaning in too far, repeating himself.

“Are you free those dates?”

I nodded in agreement, trying to see my escape route around the table out of the corner of my eye.

I heard myself mumble “yes, I think I’m free around that time.”

I knew I would never go to that event, even if I was free.

But something about the alcohol-breath and the loud voices all around and the party atmosphere made me not be direct. Not that I would do it any differently overall, but why on earth say that I’m even free?

Jeez!

Who would I be without the belief that people can hurt me with words or actions?

Even if he had started calling me names, or been abrupt somehow?

Even if someone said “I’m breaking up with you” (it’s happened).

Even if someone said “I don’t like the way you handled that, or said this, or acted like that” (it’s happened).

Even if someone said “I don’t want to hang out with you any more” (it’s happened).

Without the belief that these words or actions are painful, I notice there’s no defense.

The energy still comes at me and goes right through me. It feels uncomfortable for a moment.

But also exciting.

Something within feels very, very quiet and solid.

Something feels raw and exposed and vulnerable, but also like this energy is nothing to be truly afraid of.

I notice having people say things, or leave, hasn’t killed me.

Usually, it’s been eye-opening, and powerful.

Turning the belief around:

It is impossible to be hurt by other people’s words (or actions). It is possible to be healed by other people’s words or actions.

She hurt me—she healed me.

He hurt me—he healed me.

I hurt her. I hurt him. I hurt myself.

WOW. Could this all be as true, or truer?

“No thought you have ever had is true. No opinion you have ever held is right. Let them go. No idea you have of yourself, or of who or what you are, has ever corresponded to reality. Or ever will. Let them go….Let grace stop you.” ~ David Carse in Perfect Brilliant Stillness

What an adventure the “criticism” has been. What thrill.

What welcome destruction of the little “I” who thinks its so important and gets so jumpy the minute its judged.

“Don’t wish for union! There’s a closeness beyond that…Fall in love in such a way that it frees you from any connecting. Love is the soul’s light, the taste of morning; no me, no we, no claim of being…As eyes in silence, tears, face: love cannot be said.” ~ Rumi

Could it be true that I was only hurting myself with my own imagination and stories, every time I believed others could hurt me?

It doesn’t mean I don’t feel energy coursing through me when you call me names, or walk away, or do something harmful.

But the energy goes through and past, its met with understanding and love.

I feel it, completely, and cry, or laugh, or take a quick in-breath….and see that love is still right here…..always.

Love, Grace

[stextbox id=”custom”]P.S. Free webinar on Desire and The Work of Byron Katie (a happy marriage) on March 26th 10-11:30 am Pacific Time. More in tomorrow’s Grace Note. Stay tuned![/stextbox]

March 12, 2015

Rockin’ In The Free World With Inquiry

with inquiry - free world — with inquiry – free world

I remember when I first got to The School for The Work ten years ago.

My thoughts so innocently at the time were basically I had no trouble with anyone….

….or if I did, that was in the past. Done. Fini.

Any remnant thoughts of those people were MY problem and I had done “a lot of work” on those problem people already, so I was kinda over it.

Code word for “a lot of work” is many hours in therapy, in workshops, or with close friends analyzing, discussing, rehashing and talking about the people who had been problems in my life.

And finding solutions for how not to feel bad about those people, or about myself.

All of it actually really important.

I don’t dismiss the profound support I received from mentors, people in dynamic roles offering different ways to approach my predicaments.

Awesome. Some invaluable.

But I really did talk about some of those problem people ad nauseam.

When I found The Work, it was soooooo fantastic for cutting through the BS, not explaining myself, not speaking in my own defense, not trying to sound pleasant and non-jugmental while still expressing terror or rage.

No, all that pretzel-twisting was over.

I didn’t have to try to communicate what I was feeling in any particular way.

It was on the paper. Unedited. Blunt. Real.

I could then begin to explore if these judgments and complaints were actually true.

It didn’t matter how I got the judgments in the first place, or if they were justified.

The focus was truth.

I brought up every single person I felt difficulty with in my life, one by one: grandpa, grandma, mom, dad, siblings, best friend, boyfriend, husband, dog.

I went for the relationships that had hurt the most, in my opinion.

The times that felt unbearable, devastating, or shameful.

Or when I felt like hitting someone I was so angry!

I noticed how I acted now, in my daily life, when I believed my thoughts about those people, even if they had been dead for years.

Mean. Impatient. Sad.

I then got to imagine who I’d be without my thoughts….

….Noticing the air, the chair I was sitting in, the open window latch, the hum of the distant street, the color of the plate on the table.

Present.

When I turned my thoughts around about those mean, nasty people from my past…..I got surprised!

She was controlling? I was controlling–of both her, but mostly of me! He was distant? I was distant from him, hiding my real thoughts–but mostly distant from myself! They were critical of me? I was critical of them inside my head–but mostly critical of myself inside my head.

Wow.

You mean this is no one’s fault? Nobody is to blame? Everyone was doing the best they could? They were just acting the same way I already was acting with me?

I could only really get this, though, by walking slowly through each concept on my worksheets–not by flipping to the turnarounds or being speedy about the process.

Going slowly was the speediest.

That’s why every week in the Relationships teleclass (or any teleclass), we look at one thought and walk it all the way from the top to the bottom of inquiry, investigating its flavor and meaning.

“Just understand that what you see is not what is. Appearances will dissolve on investigation and the underlying reality will come to the surface. You need not burn the house to get out of it. You just walk out. It is only when you cannot come and go freely that the house becomes a jail.”~ Nisargadatta

With inquiry, over and over again what I thought was true, I realize after inquiry…..wasn’t.

All those meanies and rejecters, weren’t, and didn’t.

This is not the natural way of my mind. My thoughts will still take off after someone who says something that stings. My heart will still feel broken about someone I miss. Adrenaline will still rush through my body with a jolt when I’m about to walk out on stage in front of a whole bunch of people or have an important confrontational talk with a friend.

But these reactions really are far, far, far less. I can’t tell you how much shorter, or how I’m already laughing even as the adrenaline is coming to the end of its wave.

It has made a difference.

Now, it feels most of the time like everything and anything can be worked with.

Bring it on, even. Bring it.

Wow, it’s a free world.

So free, I could dance!

Love, Grace

February 13, 2015

Anniversary Day Story Change

Animals don't know what day it is--who would YOU be if you didn't know? — Animals don’t know what day it is–who would YOU be if you didn’t know?

Did you know that on this day, Friday the 13th, it’s estimated by the Stress Management Center and Phobia Institute that 17 to 21 million people in the United States are kinda paranoid?

It’s apparently the most feared day and date in history.

In Finland, National Accident Day is always Friday the 13th, helping to remind people to be careful. And in the Netherlands, statistics show that fewer accidents happen on Friday the 13th because everyone’s being hyper alert.

A famous 1972 accident happened on Friday the 13th: a plane crashed in the Andes. Some of the survivors, stuck in the snow but still alive, are famous for surviving because they ate some of the dead passengers.

I remember that from when I was a kid. Ew.

Wow, OMG! Friday the 13th!

Don’t you love spooky stories?

And….sometimes spooky stories are very, very spooky. As in, they are truly alarming.

But only if you believe them to be true.

So let’s inquire.

What’s creepy about a date in your life, what gives you the heebie-jeebies about an anniversary you always remember?

(My mom says heebie-jeebies).

Have you lost something or someone? Did something difficult happen? When you think about it, are you afraid of getting hurt again, emotionally or physically, or of death?

After I first got divorced, when 11/11 came along, I felt sad.

That used to be a powerful date…but now….it’s a sad date!

How do you react when you feel forgotten, lost, afraid, hurt, or terrified and you remember it because of the date?

When I have felt this way, and believed my worst fears were true, I’ve kept myself really tiny and small, I’ve stayed home, I’ve avoided speaking to people, I’ve had a hard time sleeping.

Memories crashed through my head.

But with self-inquiry, you can imagine who you’d be without your thoughts!

For some strange reason, when I was a kid I loved Friday the 13th and would say “this is a GOOD luck day!”

I’d feel kind of impish.

So without my fearful story about a date, perhaps I’d be playful and impish again!

If you didn’t have a reference for day, time, numbers, meanings….

….who would you be?

Who would be without your belief in anniversary dates, frightening days, haunted times?

For me, without the belief that 11/11 means “marriage that broke apart” I realize that 11/11 is INCREDIBLE.

I love 11! Maybe it came first, before I chose it for a marriage event in 1990 a long time ago. Ha!

I still love 11/11!

What if you turned your memory-associated difficult sad dates around to the opposite instead?

Instead of the memory of that date being all-awful…could it be that now, in this moment, it’s only a memory?

It doesn’t mean you’ll forget about that past event, or person, or place, or time….

….it just doesn’t have to be 100% tragedy and drama. It doesn’t have to FEEL bad.

It could even be a gift, a joyful moment, a hat-tip to that vision, an awareness of what is here now that is new, different, an invitation, a possibility.

It could happen, if you inquire.

“So reality and the story never match; reality’s always kinder….You move totally away from reality when you believe that there is a legitimate reason to suffer.” ~ Byron Katie

Love, Grace

February 2, 2015

Want A Do-Over In A Love Relationship?

Have you ever wanted a do-over when it comes to a relationship?

Lately I’ve done The Work with many people who have romantic partner troubles.

She left, he left, I need her, he’s gone, she shouldn’t have had other partners before me, he shouldn’t have found someone else so fast, she shouldn’t have kids with another man, I’ve been hurt, abandoned, I’ve lost the other person.

Woah, it’s a long and sad tale…..for many people, for centuries.

The funny thing is, it can even hurt when you know these thoughts aren’t actually true.

When my 16 year marriage was ending, I was shocked at the level of grief, rage and fear that sometimes surfaced.

As I did The Work carefully, investigating all my inner worries…

…I discovered that I used this experience to prove there was something wrong with me, that I had missed something, made a mistake, that I had become worthy of being left.

Ow. No wonder it hurt.

The ego-centered mind just LOVES to wind up being a victim and lash out at the world…it really gets off on it.

As I began to date people (I love close, intimate relationships, so this felt really natural) I had a brand new experience I hadn’t really been aware of before.

I twisted myself up like a pretzel trying to be pleasing!

Never again did I want anyone to decide to leave me, or even entertain the idea.

Trouble is, when you try to be sooooo easy-going, so perfect, so nice, so pleasant to be around…

…you can practically make yourself sick, literally, with the falseness of it all.

It’s so fake!

(I felt anxious, vulnerable and awful during that prezel-bending time–which just happens to be when I got a cancerous tumor on my leg).

Who would you be without the belief you need to figure out what someone else wants, and do that, in order not to be rejected or win their approval?

Who would you be without the belief that it’s possible to even be rejected or abandoned or approved of, at all?

Seriously.

What if someone breaking up with you was the same as them saying “bye honey, I’m leaving for work”!

You don’t freak out when that happens, right?

You consider it NORMAL.

It would be weird if they DIDN’T ever leave!!

What if you turned these thoughts around about yourself, or your need to please or protect yourself?

He set me free, she considered me strong and independent enough to handle it, I don’t need anyone (in a good way), she should have had every single partner and all they taught her, he should have found someone else very fast to free me up, so grateful she had kids with another man, I’ve been healed, I’ve been found, I am worthy of being set free, this was a repair (not a mistake), there is something right with me.

Woohoo!

Allow yourself to feel this, not just catch it mentally in your mind.

The joy is immense. There is no need for creating barriers or shields between yourself and others, or over-pleasing.

All you do is let yourself be right here, present, loving everyone around including yourself in this amazing moment.

And watch what happens.

Here’s an example of the total goofiness in trying to carefully calculate what might please someone else….from one of my favorite movies ever….

….Groundhogs Day….

….which is TODAY!!

Laugh and be free! You get a do-over!!

Love, Grace

January 20, 2015

Who Really Owes You An Apology?

Not long ago, an old flame wrote me a letter.

It came in the mail, the old-fashioned way. A card, and a long separate typed sheet, double-sided, with a lot of reflection on his life and his philosophies.

My first thought was how sweet to hear from him.

At first, a little jolt of adrenaline, a curiosity about what has happened in the years since we were dancing our dance.

And, since the relationship ended kinda funny (as in, he disappeared off the face of the earth involved in some kind of dark pursuit) I was reading along waiting for an apology.

Not exactly pure, open reading.

Hope reading. Like where you hope you’ll read what you wanna read.

So here I am about to begin again my teleclass on romance and pain and sexuality, questioning stress in lover relationships, and I’m noticing very clearly this little moment….

….watching myself fall right into wishing and waiting to be asked for forgiveness by a former love interest.

Interesting. Very interesting. I love how these things just arrive, for inquiry, without any planning.

My mind had speedy quick, without hardly a beat, gone to the place where I was a victim.

I was WRONGED.

You may notice you have a relationship or two (or five, or forty-three) where you have the lingering thought that you were wronged.

If you do, and it feels like a festering wound that won’t heal….

….then let’s get that belief faced full-on right now.

You may find relief, if you’ve been hurting.

First. Is it actually true that you be done wrong? Really?

YEAH! That was bunk! (Punching the air).

OK, got it. You’re really pissed.

How do you react when you believe that person messed you up, hurt you, abandoned you, shorted you, conned you, fooled you?

I feel *horrible*.

I’m mean to other possible partners, actually. Or afraid. I choose and move based on avoiding repeat pain. I lick my wounds. I don’t step out.

“As long as you think that the cause of your problem is ‘out there’–as long as you think that anyone or anything is responsible for your suffering–the situation is hopeless.” ~ Byron Katie

So who would I be without my belief that I was wronged?

I’m not saying it wasn’t hard, or brutal, or that it could be repeated, or that you deserved it.

Only who you would be without the belief you were the victim? That you are owed an apology?

Huh. Wow.

Really?

Well, I’d be lighter. I’d be moved on to other things. I’d be remembering and reflecting and allowing that situation to heal, and be as it is.

I’d notice I’m happy now, and how much I learned and grew through that process. Like, a ton.

Without the belief that I’ve been wronged, I’d be free right here, right now.

“Love until your voice trembles, and your heart pounds, and your legs shake, and your philosophies crumble to dust, and your cleverness bows its head in shame and in reverence. And you will be taken to the darkest places, and your heart will be set on fire by the ones to whom you were never able to open your heart, and you will be reminded of what you have always, secretly, known: In time, you will forget everything, except how to die, and how to love.” ~ Jeff Foster

I turn the thought around: I have not been wronged by anyone, I wronged myself (by not speaking up, by being dishonest, by clinging), I wronged others in the same way I thought they wronged me.

I do not need any apology, except for myself, from myself.

The letter had no apology written in it, but I knew what to do now.

I whispered to myself.

I am sooooo sorry honey.

I didn’t listen to you, I was confused, I forgot wholeness without chasing after other people, I didn’t listen to you, I didn’t think you were good enough. You are incredible. You never leave, no matter what I do or say, or forget. Thank you, I love you.

Now that’s the best apology ever.

If you’re up for joining an 8 week teleclass on looking for love in all the wrong places and the adventure of contact with others, then join us for Romance, Passion and Healing….

…..We’re looking at LOVE when it comes to lovers, mates, spouses, ex’s, strangers, or partners of any kind and how to end the suffering we’ve experienced in their name.

Click here to read more, or register for the class.

Much love,

Grace

January 19, 2015

Our Wonderful Romance

It has to be good, it must go the way I want, I want it to unfold like this (not that), this needs to be fun, it better be right.

Nervous about romance? Teleclass starting Thursday 1/22 to question your stressful thinking, and change your life when it comes to partners---long term, broken-up, dating, divorced, confused---every difficult situation can be lightened through The Work of Byron Katie — Nervous about romance? Teleclass starting Thursday 1/22 to question your stressful thinking, and change your life when it comes to partners—long term, broken-up, dating, divorced, confused—every difficult situation can be lightened through The Work of Byron Katie

Have you ever had these ideas about something coming up on your calendar?

Oh boy.

When it goes well, it’s awesome! Hand clapping! Yay! I must be doing something right!

And if it doesn’t.

Oh rats.

This is terrible. A sinking feeling. Depressed, disappointed, worried, unhappy. I must be doing something wrong!

Last week I had many people writing to me about the upcoming teleclass on “sexuality”, but few people committing to join.

This is the ONLY teleclass where people are so hesitant, in comparison to the other teleclasses I teach on food, parenting, relationships, illness/death and money.

People are skittish, nervous.

Do we have to say everything out loud, someone asked?

Once during the very first session, someone said they wrote in their notebook today’s date, and The “S” Teleclass.

She couldn’t write “Sexuality”.

I might need to name it something different….like The Work of Byron Katie on attraction, touch, romance and lovers.

In fact, that sounds pretty good!

Why didn’t I think of that before??!!

But even as I consider new names for the class, or new ways to offer or help on this topic, or new ways to show up as a guide on the road to the end of suffering around romance, lust and attraction…

….I can even do The Work on the idea that changing this teleclass neeeeeeeds to happen.

What if the way it is going is just right?

Who would I be without the belief that it needs to go “well”, be full of participants sooner than later, be popular, that people should get how awesome this class is, people shouldn’t feel worried about talking about *s–*?

How would I really feel without the thought that the way its going is wrong, or it could be better another way than this?

Woah.

What an eye-opener.

Suddenly…without the belief that the class should be filling sooner, people should jump at the chance to speak openly about sexual feelings, I remember how it feels to not think anything should be any different than it is.

Quite stunning really.

Not one thing out of place. Can you get a taste of it?

What if the pain, the things you don’t like, your daily routines or people you feel out of sorts with, are really allowed to be as they are?

What if you didn’t resist them, or argue about them, or complain, or fight? What if it could all be here?

Even my resistance itself, what if that was OK, too?

“It isn’t getting what we want that makes us happy. It’s being happy with whatever we experience–or perhaps I should say, being happy regardless what we experience. To some people this will sound like a defeatist attitude, settling for mediocrity rather than striving for more. Yet nothing in the statement says that we can’t strive, or create any number of activities or experiences. Simply that we are happy with whatever we experience, even the striving.” ~ Peter Ralston in The Book of Not Knowing

I turn the beliefs around to try them on: It does NOT have to be “good”, it must go the way it goes, I want it to unfold like this and no other way, this needs to NOT be fun, if it isn’t.

How could I find just a drop of openness to these thoughts, instead of their opposites that I was automatically thinking before?

Well.

I certainly notice it’s more fun to lighten up about the way this thing is going, that’s for dang sure.

The way it’s going shows me what not to pursue, what to drop, if there’s a turn needed along the path.

The way my class is going, for example, shows me there’s something not yet understood about the laughter and lightness possible when doing The Work on romance, or who-is-doing-what- in-the-bedroom…..

…..and I can express what its like more clearly, or make it safer.

Can you find examples of why the way your thing is going is just perfect (even your romantic relationship status) how there might be advantages (even if it doesn’t seem like it) or how you benefit by the way its unfolding?

Share them with me, I’d love to hear.

And meanwhile….

….if you have a broken heart, or struggle, or sadness about something that’s gone down around romance or physical touch, or your expectations about it are getting shattered….

….then you may want to consider joining a small group of journeyers along the path to deeply question your thoughts about sexuality and romance.

This includes people sleeping with you, people sleeping with other people, people making that strange move you didn’t get, you not being happy or thrilled, you feeling bereft or anxious, him acting weird, her acting weird, you feeling worried about what to say.

Anything stressful is the perfect situation for inquiry.

If you can un-do your painful beliefs (notice I said painful beliefs–you can keep the fun, exciting ones) then you may find a whole new world of possibilities when it comes to partnership and love, right in front of you.

We’re starting this coming Thursday at 10 am Pacific Time for 90 minutes. We meet 8 weeks. This class MAY be for Women Only, if enough interested women really want that boundary. I do have interested men, so speak up today (write grace@workwithgrace.com) to ask questions or find out more.

I give you time, respect and attention as a facilitator of The Work.

YOU free your mind.

Click here to read more, or register.

Much love, Grace