I was having a gentle walk last weekend in the sunny afternoon, green summer leaves swishing above, when I passed an outdoor cafe and suddenly a huge rush of adrenaline zapped through me, like a lazer beam of energy aimed for the heart.
I thought I saw an old boyfriend, sitting in a chair, facing away from me. The hair was almost exactly the same. I had to stare as I walked by, checking to see “is that him?”
Now why the heck did that produce a shot of adrenaline like I saw a house explode into fire all of the sudden?
I mean really, I thought (as I felt my facing heart slowing down).
Isn’t this a bit dramatic of a reaction?
But sometimes… BAM…there is a cascade of beliefs all at once, all stuck to each other like velcro, that show up and it only takes the mind 2 seconds to compute and execute.
RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!
Oh. Not him. Wow, that really looked like him. (Turn back and check again). No, definitely not him. What would he be doing up here? But it’s not him. So that wouldn’t happen. Not him.
And then the next ten minutes were spent remembering, seeing images zip through the mind.
It’s like the Mind is dressed up in a business suit, with a huge deck of cards. On each card is a moving picture (idea stolen from Harry Potter stories) with moments from MY LIFE.
This corporate-looking business man (the mind thinks of itself with such importance doesn’t it?) is throwing down one card after the next after the next, saying “here, remember THAT moment? what about this one? oooh, that was a particularly gruelling moment, oh and that one was pretty good, and this one was absolutely horrendous, oh, and when he said that…”
All with that person!
Who wasn’t even actually here.
Talk about stories. JEEZ!
Now, before inquiry, I would have made a lot of effort to forget about that guy. Or say something under my breath like “wanka!”
And I might feel slightly anxious off and on for the rest of the day, or look over my shoulder sometimes.
Maybe I’d even think about doing something comforting, like eating ice cream or drinking a beer (as if those worked).
The thing that’s wonderful about self-inquiry is maybe escapist thoughts still pass through my mind, but they don’t feel very serious.
The more interesting thoughts are the ones that created the fear energy through the system. I love finding out what those are, writing them down, using this as an educational, adventurous moment.
Let’s see, if I really let it rip, childish, petty, judgmental, honest….this is what my thinking looked like, slowed way down into a list:
- he hates me
- he wants to hurt me
- he was hurt by ME
- he didn’t understand me
- he thought I was mean, judgmental, critical and closed
- he was lying, selfish, weak, rude
- connecting him was not, is not, and will not be safe
I had to chuckle when I asked myself “what’s the worst that could happen?”
I had the image of this old boyfriend jumping up and screaming and running after me down the street yelling “you witch! get away from me! you ruined my life!”
Did I mention that the mind can be a real Drama Queen?
So if that DID happen….would it really be unmanageable, horrible, unsafe?
Am I SURE he wants to hurt me, he was hurt by me, he hates me, and he thinks of me as a terrible person?
No. Not at all.
I turn these thoughts around and find my own very stressful thoughts….about ME…are the ones that really hurt.
- I hated myself (in the way I was with him)—true, I was dishonest, nervous, and always worried about his feelings and not mine
- I wanted to hurt him, I wanted to hurt myself—both true, I felt defensive, I attacked, I was always looking at the world like it wasn’t good enough, and neither was I
- he was healed by me, I was healed by him—could be just as possible, there was a lot of love expressed between us
- he did understand me, I didn’t understand myself—both true
- I thought of myself as mean, judgmental, critical and closed—that’s for sure! And yes, he also thought of me as kind, accepting, discerning and open
- I was totally lying, selfish, weak and rude—um, yeah, that was true. And, he told the truth, was generous, strong and nice.
- connecting with him was completely safe, is currently safe (in this moment of thinking about him even) and will always be safe in the future—yes, true.
I realize there is nothing dangerous in the memories, the feelings that welled up, the images that passed through my mind, the story.
It’s just a story.
“Hurt feelings or discomfort of any kind cannot be cause by another person. No one outside me can hurt me. That’s not a possibility. It’s only when I believe a stressful thought that I get hurt. And I’m the one who’s hurting me by believing what I think. This is very good news, because it means that I don’t have to get someone else to stop hurting me. I’m the one who can stop hurting me. It’s within my power.” ~ Byron Katie
Later, after inquiring and looking and wondering….I notice I feel much calmer, more neutral when I think of that man.
I think of him as a character in a great and profound epic story…he actually had a pretty dang short part, truth be told. But an important one.
“For love to flourish, the light of your presence needs to be strong enough so that you no longer get taken over by the thinker or the pain-body and mistake them for who you are. To know yourself as the Being underneath the thinker, the stillness underneath the mental noise, the love and joy underneath the pain, is freedom, salvation, enlightenment.” ~ Eckhart Tolle
Love flourishes with every moment, whether another human is here, or not here, or memories are present, or not present, whether I am “with” a person or not “with” a person….all shining under the story.
Who would you be without your former love story?
Love, Grace