This week one of the wonderful inquirers I got to work with had a problem: an untrustworthy person in her life.
That person seemed to be tricky. The identified party, the one who couldn’t be trusted, could apparently make the wrong move at any moment.
He withheld information, he had lied to other people, he had suspicious activity going on his cell phone…..texts and various conversations. Maybe ulterior motives. Something untoward.
All kinds of images came to the inquirer’s mind when she thought about this man.
She was deep into the thought that this person needed to change their behavior, become trustworthy.
And even if this happened and there was a big shift in what appeared to be sneaky moves…she wouldn’t relax until this man (a former employee) demonstrated “normal” or easy-going behavior. Not until there was a long space of time when he “proved” he wouldn’t do or say anything threatening.
This inquirer found a lot of stress present when she thought about this man. It was a pretty nervous way to be. Sort of waiting for a shoe to drop. Watching like a hawk, ready for the error, the mistake, the surprise back-stab.
This state of mind is what horror movies are made for! Anticipation! WHAT-IF….(!)
Often, this stressful state of anxiety in the mind only comes after something uncomfortable happened in the past…and the mind will come up with all kinds of ways to make sure it never happens again.
That painful situation must be prevented.
I could get hurt.
One of the most interesting ways to investigate the pain when someone in the present could potentially cause trouble….is to go back to the original situation where something difficult happened, something that was threatening, sad, shocking, scary.
Imagine that original terrible moment with full force, like you’re in a 3D movie, replaying the “worst” three minutes of the event.
In the inquiry process this week, this woman who was feeling scared and angry about her former employee’s presence called up the scene of the “crime” in the past.
I remembered my own past scene, a fearful memory where I was reading a letter, and discovered that someone I loved very much had been involved in activities I had no idea of, until that moment of reading the letter…and the activities appeared to involve quite a substantial and strange betrayal, involving me.
I had done The Work and questioned my thoughts about this moment already in the past, in fact several worksheets over time.
But I got to revisit the situation again, as I facilitated this wonderful inquirer on her own situation.
A core underlying belief that rose to the surface:
“I was very hurt….and I could get hurt again.”
Is that true?
YES! It was AWFUL when that happened! I NEVER want to go through that again! It was sooooo terrifying!
I lost a friend, I lost my innocence, I lost trust, it made me nauseated, I couldn’t sleep. That person was in danger, I was in danger, it was sick.
The inquirer found that when she believed this thought, she felt practically the same stress level as in the original situation. She had images flash through her mind of the events, the person doing and saying what they said. Her whole body reacted with panic, then anger.
A big stressful traumatic situation can be difficult to see without the thought that you were hurt, and you could get hurt again.
Without believing that you were hurt? How could that be? It seems like I was HURT!
One of my favorite ways of entering this question is to imagine if the entire scene was on pause, and I could walk around the scene looking at it from every angle, looking at the faces of everyone involved.
Or imagining myself to be dropped into that terrible scene from another planet, where they don’t believe in reviewing over and over again how hurt you were, or that you WERE hurt permanently.
Who would you be if you didn’t think that thought? If you didn’t believe what you’re believing? if you couldn’t think that you were hurt and that you could get hurt again?
This is NOT about pretending that you were not physically hurt or that something very critical and serious happened. It is not denial. The event happened.
But are you sure it could be repeated, in a similar way? Are you sure you were so hurt that you are not capable of having joy, love and kindness in your own life?
Are you sure you are not safe?
Who would I be in this moment, right now, without the thought that I couldn’t take that terrible scene ever happening again, that I couldn’t handle it, that I must brace against it ever repeating itself? Who would I be without the idea that this person means TROUBLE?
I’d notice that I am very safe and supported right now.
I am sitting on a chair, which is being supported by a floor, which is being supported by walls and a foundation, which is being supported by the earth.
Without the thought, I notice that I healed. I only lost two nights of sleep. I learned a HUMONGOUS TON from that experience. I see my own part, the times I didn’t say “no”, the insecurity I felt, the judgments I had towards that person before the difficult situation ever even happened.
Without the thought that I was permanently hurt and must make sure it doesn’t happen again, I start to remember what incredible things came out of that experience.
The inquirer working with me could see how her past difficult event led to her getting management training, and learning about legal matters with restraining orders, and noticing how powerful she was and what a great leader, and that she was open to the world with detachment and appreciation.
As the inquirer did The Work, she moved naturally into the turnaround: I was not hurt, I was healed….and I could heal again.
In that situation she could see how she evolved into a new, more powerful version of herself.
It may even have been one of the most important experiences, she confessed, to move her into a new way of being, bringing out her courage and confidence.
I was reminded through the inquiry that nothing is 100% disaster. Something comes out of everything that speaks of love.
“If you don’t realize the source, you stumble in confusion and sorrow. When you realize where you come from, you naturally become tolerant, disinterested, amused, kindhearted as a grandmother, dignified as a king. Immersed in the wonder of the Tao, you can deal with whatever life brings you, and when death comes, you are ready.” ~ Tao Te Ching #16
Love, Grace