being hurt – The Work of Byron Katie with Grace

We need to talk.

Have you ever had someone text you, or leave a voicemail, or send you an email, or mail you a letter, or say this when you see each other….

….and you have a little voice inside that says “oh no”?

Surge of adrenaline.

Maybe the inner frightened voice takes off chattering.

What’d I do? What’s the problem now? They don’t like me.

Sometimes people think those four words “we need to talk” mean you’re about to get broken up with! Ouch.

This is one of my favorite ideas to do The Work on…..

….the story that I am about to be hurt by someone’s words, because they are not pleased with my behavior.

Whether they’re about to say I’m a jerk, or they didn’t like what I did or said, or they’re so unhappy they are leaving this relationship, it can bring up a strange sense of fear.

Let’s take a look, using The Work.

You may notice, you’ve believed this thought for years, since you were a kid even.

Here’s the Big Stressful Belief in summary:

It is possible to be hurt by other people’s words (or actions).

Dang. Doesn’t that seem true?

Is it?

Yes, yes, yes!

People are mean. People have said hard things. They’ve left me. They’ve cut me off. They’ve told me they don’t like stuff I do, or think, or say.

It’s made me cry. I’ll do anything to avoid it. It feels like a knife in my heart.

I hate when people don’t like me. It sucks.

Are you sure? Are you absolutely sure it’s true?

Wow. Really?

But wait.

Think about this answer, deeply.

Can other people really hurt you with their words, or actions? What do you mean by “hurt”?

Do they not have a right to their opinion? Is it a permanent opinion, or something changeable?

Does everyone have to like you? Does everyone have to look like someone who is kind, or loving, or caring?

I notice that people who act nice sometimes aren’t, and people who act mean sometimes aren’t.

I notice human feelings are movable, malleable, changing.

How do you react when you believe you can be hurt?

Do you stay away from people? Do you make sure not to get too close? Do you stay home, just to avoid possible rejection? Do you keep quiet in a group or a classroom? Do you act agreeable, saying “yes” when you really mean “no”? Do you smile a lot?

Phew.

Now don’t get upset with yourself for being such a pleaser. You’ve done what you needed to do, you thought, in order to survive.

This is not the time to say you’re stupid for being so worried about what other people think.

This is learning, here. You’re OK.

I was at a huge party not long ago. An acquaintance I was speaking to I realized had a few drinks. He was talking about an event next fall and telling me the dates of when it would be happening and how I had to come, and leaning in too far, repeating himself.

“Are you free those dates?”

I nodded in agreement, trying to see my escape route around the table out of the corner of my eye.

I heard myself mumble “yes, I think I’m free around that time.”

I knew I would never go to that event, even if I was free.

But something about the alcohol-breath and the loud voices all around and the party atmosphere made me not be direct. Not that I would do it any differently overall, but why on earth say that I’m even free?

Jeez!

Who would I be without the belief that people can hurt me with words or actions?

Even if he had started calling me names, or been abrupt somehow?

Even if someone said “I’m breaking up with you” (it’s happened).

Even if someone said “I don’t like the way you handled that, or said this, or acted like that” (it’s happened).

Even if someone said “I don’t want to hang out with you any more” (it’s happened).

Without the belief that these words or actions are painful, I notice there’s no defense.

The energy still comes at me and goes right through me. It feels uncomfortable for a moment.

But also exciting.

Something within feels very, very quiet and solid.

Something feels raw and exposed and vulnerable, but also like this energy is nothing to be truly afraid of.

I notice having people say things, or leave, hasn’t killed me.

Usually, it’s been eye-opening, and powerful.

Turning the belief around:

It is impossible to be hurt by other people’s words (or actions). It is possible to be healed by other people’s words or actions.

She hurt me—she healed me.

He hurt me—he healed me.

I hurt her. I hurt him. I hurt myself.

WOW. Could this all be as true, or truer?

“No thought you have ever had is true. No opinion you have ever held is right. Let them go. No idea you have of yourself, or of who or what you are, has ever corresponded to reality. Or ever will. Let them go….Let grace stop you.” ~ David Carse in Perfect Brilliant Stillness

What an adventure the “criticism” has been. What thrill.

What welcome destruction of the little “I” who thinks its so important and gets so jumpy the minute its judged.

“Don’t wish for union! There’s a closeness beyond that…Fall in love in such a way that it frees you from any connecting. Love is the soul’s light, the taste of morning; no me, no we, no claim of being…As eyes in silence, tears, face: love cannot be said.” ~ Rumi

Could it be true that I was only hurting myself with my own imagination and stories, every time I believed others could hurt me?

It doesn’t mean I don’t feel energy coursing through me when you call me names, or walk away, or do something harmful.

But the energy goes through and past, its met with understanding and love.

I feel it, completely, and cry, or laugh, or take a quick in-breath….and see that love is still right here…..always.

Love, Grace

[stextbox id=”custom”]P.S. Free webinar on Desire and The Work of Byron Katie (a happy marriage) on March 26th 10-11:30 am Pacific Time. More in tomorrow’s Grace Note. Stay tuned![/stextbox]

This week one of the wonderful inquirers I got to work with had a problem: an untrustworthy person in her life.

That person seemed to be tricky. The identified party, the one who couldn’t be trusted, could apparently make the wrong move at any moment.

He withheld information, he had lied to other people, he had suspicious activity going on his cell phone…..texts and various conversations. Maybe ulterior motives. Something untoward.

All kinds of images came to the inquirer’s mind when she thought about this man.

She was deep into the thought that this person needed to change their behavior, become trustworthy.

And even if this happened and there was a big shift in what appeared to be sneaky moves…she wouldn’t relax until this man (a former employee) demonstrated “normal” or easy-going behavior. Not until there was a long space of time when he “proved” he wouldn’t do or say anything threatening.

This inquirer found a lot of stress present when she thought about this man. It was a pretty nervous way to be. Sort of waiting for a shoe to drop. Watching like a hawk, ready for the error, the mistake, the surprise back-stab.

This state of mind is what horror movies are made for! Anticipation! WHAT-IF….(!)

Often, this stressful state of anxiety in the mind only comes after something uncomfortable happened in the past…and the mind will come up with all kinds of ways to make sure it never happens again.

That painful situation must be prevented.

I could get hurt.

One of the most interesting ways to investigate the pain when someone in the present could potentially cause trouble….is to go back to the original situation where something difficult happened, something that was threatening, sad, shocking, scary.

Imagine that original terrible moment with full force, like you’re in a 3D movie, replaying the “worst” three minutes of the event.

In the inquiry process this week, this woman who was feeling scared and angry about her former employee’s presence called up the scene of the “crime” in the past.

I remembered my own past scene, a fearful memory where I was reading a letter, and discovered that someone I loved very much had been involved in activities I had no idea of, until that moment of reading the letter…and the activities appeared to involve quite a substantial and strange betrayal, involving me.

I had done The Work and questioned my thoughts about this moment already in the past, in fact several worksheets over time.

But I got to revisit the situation again, as I facilitated this wonderful inquirer on her own situation.

A core underlying belief that rose to the surface:

“I was very hurt….and I could get hurt again.”

Is that true?

YES! It was AWFUL when that happened! I NEVER want to go through that again! It was sooooo terrifying!

I lost a friend, I lost my innocence, I lost trust, it made me nauseated, I couldn’t sleep. That person was in danger, I was in danger, it was sick.

The inquirer found that when she believed this thought, she felt practically the same stress level as in the original situation. She had images flash through her mind of the events, the person doing and saying what they said. Her whole body reacted with panic, then anger.

A big stressful traumatic situation can be difficult to see without the thought that you were hurt, and you could get hurt again.

Without believing that you were hurt? How could that be? It seems like I was HURT!

One of my favorite ways of entering this question is to imagine if the entire scene was on pause, and I could walk around the scene looking at it from every angle, looking at the faces of everyone involved.

Or imagining myself to be dropped into that terrible scene from another planet, where they don’t believe in reviewing over and over again how hurt you were, or that you WERE hurt permanently.

Who would you be if you didn’t think that thought? If you didn’t believe what you’re believing? if you couldn’t think that you were hurt and that you could get hurt again?

This is NOT about pretending that you were not physically hurt or that something very critical and serious happened. It is not denial. The event happened.

But are you sure it could be repeated, in a similar way? Are you sure you were so hurt that you are not capable of having joy, love and kindness in your own life?

Are you sure you are not safe?

Who would I be in this moment, right now, without the thought that I couldn’t take that terrible scene ever happening again, that I couldn’t handle it, that I must brace against it ever repeating itself? Who would I be without the idea that this person means TROUBLE?

I’d notice that I am very safe and supported right now.

I am sitting on a chair, which is being supported by a floor, which is being supported by walls and a foundation, which is being supported by the earth.

Without the thought, I notice that I healed. I only lost two nights of sleep. I learned a HUMONGOUS TON from that experience. I see my own part, the times I didn’t say “no”, the insecurity I felt, the judgments I had towards that person before the difficult situation ever even happened.

Without the thought that I was permanently hurt and must make sure it doesn’t happen again, I start to remember what incredible things came out of that experience.

The inquirer working with me could see how her past difficult event led to her getting management training, and learning about legal matters with restraining orders, and noticing how powerful she was and what a great leader, and that she was open to the world with detachment and appreciation.

As the inquirer did The Work, she moved naturally into the turnaround: I was not hurt, I was healed….and I could heal again.

In that situation she could see how she evolved into a new, more powerful version of herself.

It may even have been one of the most important experiences, she confessed, to move her into a new way of being, bringing out her courage and confidence.

I was reminded through the inquiry that nothing is 100% disaster. Something comes out of everything that speaks of love.

“If you don’t realize the source, you stumble in confusion and sorrow. When you realize where you come from, you naturally become tolerant, disinterested, amused, kindhearted as a grandmother, dignified as a king. Immersed in the wonder of the Tao, you can deal with whatever life brings you, and when death comes, you are ready.” ~ Tao Te Ching #16

Love, Grace

Tag: being hurt

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