letters yesterday from readers saying they’d like help with their thoughts about someone else lying.
Arrggh! Yes! Those lying, cheating, deceptive people!!!
OK, so after the tantrum…(you can hit a few pillows, it sometimes helps)…write down what you think it means when someone lies.
They have either withheld important information, or acted in a way that was different than you expected, or kept a secret from you, or tricked you into taking some kind of action you felt uncomfortable about…or actually said “I did not take your cookie” when there are crumbs on their lips that look exactly like your cookie.
What does this actually mean about this whole situation, that they did this LYING?
Get really close to it…what does it mean for YOU that they did this lying?
Your mind is already busy telling you what it means about THEM when they lie. You have a whole list of unpleasant traits to describe them. Conniving, selfish, thoughtless, immature, hateful, sad, mentally ill, cruel.
But what does this really mean for you, that this has occurred? What is dangerous about it? Or aggravating?
If someone else lies, then I could be hurt. I could lose something important. I could be a victim. They don’t care about me. I could have a terrible life.
I have found that the greatest stress occurs when I’m afraid. And to understand it, I have to first understand what it is I am actually afraid of, really, really, really.
Because when you think about it, the person two blocks away who is in the middle of lying right now, who you don’t even know….or the ten year old who is hiding something she took under her bed….you aren’t really upset about THOSE people lying.
No, but THIS person lying. That is REALLY UPSETTING.
I once had the thought “he shouldn’t have lied”. I was embarrassed, I felt like crying, then I felt furious, then like crying again.
When I really thought through all the pieces that were most painful, I found that the thing I feared was that I was not worth telling the truth to. Them lying meant that I was too hard, difficult, irritating, spacey, gullible, stupid, or needy.
That really hurts. And it wasn’t really that other person that created my thoughts of self-hate and self-doubt. I just started believing them. I started believing instantly that I was a victim, that I was robbed, that I was diminished.
Who would you be without the thought that that person shouldn’t have lied?
I would suddenly notice how much space was around me, how free I was, how I was standing there alone with an entire universe ready to explore.
When someone stole money from me, I discovered that I had no need for that money, and it was incredible! Another time when I got “tricked” by a stranger who pretended to be out of gas on the side of the road, I had such appreciation for learning a lesson like that in a very easy way (it only cost me $20 for that lesson).
Another time when someone lied, I discovered total and absolute appreciation for their timing, and for the sweetness of me having no idea of the truth (until I did).
When I question my thinking, I begin to see not only what it is like to be without the thought “they shouldn’t lie” but also the advantages of them lying at just the exact time, in just the way that they did, for me.
Can you really know that when someone lies, it means that you were mistaken, gullible, ignorant, needy, stupid, or that something is wrong with you?
“The Tao doesn’t take sides; it gives birth to both good and evil. The Master doesn’t take sides; she welcomes both saints and sinners. The Tao is like a bellows: it is empty yet infinitely capable. The more you use it, the more it produces; the more you talk of it, the less you understand. Hold on to the center.” ~ Tao Te Ching #5
I notice when I question my thoughts of anger and rage and those mean, nasty, lying, sneaky people…I get to let go of running the universe. I trust.
I thought them lying took away my feeling of trust….but it didn’t take it away at all. It made it bigger. Because they lied, I get to see what’s really true.
Those people SHOULD lie. Because first of all, they did. That is reality. They were scared, they were confused, they didn’t know how to do it differently.
Maybe YOU were a little scary to tell the truth to, eh?
And look at all the amazing learning that comes from them lying. I learned that I did not need them.
You also should have lied in the past, too, if you did.
My lies brought me the most incredible lessons. I became aware of how much I preferred not to lie, and how freaked out and confused I got at the time. They showed me how afraid I was of hurting other peoples’ feelings or hurting my own feelings. They helped me know even more that truth is like heaven, and I only have to worry about my own.
“To be honest is to live closer to your true nature. The way I know that it is, is that when you’re not living it, it hurts. That hurt is an opportunity to notice what stressful thought you’re believing in the moment, to question it and turn it around. That’s what all pain is about. Sanity doesn’t suffer—ever.”~ Byron Katie
Love, Grace
Horrible Food Wonderful Food Weekend In-Person Intensive Seattle January 12-13, 2013 Saturday 10 – 5:30, Sunday 1:30-5:30. $215. To register click HERE now and then send me an email grace@workwithgrace.com.
Mark your calendar for Breitenbush, the end of June 2013! We will be looking at all aspects of what we consider to be flaws in the body, and Un-doing our beliefs about them. Stay tuned if you’d like to join me and Susan Grace Beekman from June 26-30, 2013. You can change your internal beliefs about what you think bodies should be like….and change your entire experience of being in yours.
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