There’s another way to approach eating peace that climbing on and falling off the wagon
I really loved sharing how to move off the Control Wagon yesterday….that is, the tendency we have to always think we need to control or change or manage our food or ourselves in order to feel happy with eating (or any compulsion, for that matter).
It is possible for everyone to find freedom in eating.
But granted, it does take some time. And it’s a different approach when we throw out the old yo-yo methods of being “on” or “off” a plan.
Listen and watch the slide show here to find out the four steps I shared to enter peace rather than the torment of looking for the right way to eat and not finding it.
Feeling like you can’t stop something you yourself engage in, is so weird, right?
But instead of feeling angry with this part of you that wants to eat, what if it was a voice with a very important message?
Awareness of the message changes everything.
“Wisdom comes with the ability to be still. Just look and just listen. No more is needed. Being still, looking, and listening activates the non-conceptual intelligence within you. Let stillness direct your words and actions.” ~ Eckhart Tolle
If you want to set aside a 3 hour mini-retreat to explore and meet the voices that want to eat….I’ll be offering a rare session this Saturday afternoon (Pacific Time) from 2-5 pm. For a small group, we’ll be taking a deep dive into the experience of emotional eating or graze eating….the kind of eating we later feel so unhappy about and wish we’d stop doing.
We’ll visit this compulsive voice, this mindless urge, through writing and inquiry exercises that will help us speak directly with the parts of us that seem to want to eat so badly.
We’ll take a look at what’s really going on, more than just the desire to eat.
This is my favorite exploration in life….to investigate the impulse to grab, ingest, think, eat….
….and end the battle through understanding and awareness.
I hope you’ll join me! If this is something you’d like to try, sign uphere (it’s $47 for the 3 hour online retreat). You’ll need a computer or phone with a speaker phone or headphones and a quiet space for yourself. You can choose to just participate without speaking for the entire time, or do The Work out loud, either way. The program will NOT be recorded.
I hope it will make a huge difference for you on your journey to eating peace.
“I am the source of my pain, but only all of it. One hundred percent.” ~ Byron Katie
Sometimes, when people read a statement like this out of context, they say things to themselves like……
……”That’s so true. I am my worst enemy. What a schmuck I am, causing myself such turmoil. I wish I was different. It’s hopeless. My life sucks.”
But you know, of course, it’s not the intention that you feel bad about yourself and take this personally.
Often, when we feel frightened or nervous about conditions of life, we automatically get defensive, or attack something….anything.
This moment, this condition, this situation is WRONG!
And so am I!
But the more I work with people in mindful inquiry (and feeling deeply) the more I see that every time there’s a compulsive movement towards something, like binge-eating for example, or obsessive thinking, or other addictive behaviors…..
…..the thing we miss is what was so dang scary that eating felt like the better choice.
Could it be that the self-hatred or judgmental stream of thoughts or compulsive behavior actually covers up something more frightening, that we’d rather not think about at all?
What I found in my own internal excavation was….yes.
Big time.
I had a huge amount of fear, anxiety, resentments and unacknowledged grief about things that had happened in my life.
And I had never spoken of them to anyone, and certainly hadn’t done The Work on them.
No wonder I wanted to eat like a maniac sometimes (or starve myself, or smoke, or move to another town, or start making plans for something in a non-peaceful way, or spend time thinking about how to improve myself).
The other day, I read a quote that most humans would love to take the easy, fast solution to a problem that’s highly unlikely to work, than a slow, hard solution to a problem that’s guaranteed to work.
Isn’t that crazy?
We really hate the idea that something might take awhile, that something might be a practice over time.
Believe me, I tried all the fast solutions. I still lean that way at times, depending on the moment, before I realize “oh, right, there is no fast miraculous solution….time to slow down and take it one step at a time.”
If you’re wondering where to look more closely to find out what’s running below the surface, the underlying thoughts and fears you’d rather not see….
….and yet, you really DO want to see them in the end….
….then watch here today for one exercise that may help. It’s something a therapist did with me many years ago. It will slow you way down, and you may make some discoveries about what’s driving you to eat, be stuck, do that compulsive thing, avoid change.
An exercise to help you uncover underlying stressful beliefs that may be driving you to compulsive thinking or behavior
Much love, Grace
P.S. Not everyone has an eating issue, but if you do….and you want to take a closer look in this sometimes scary but profoundly life-changing way at what’s going on….come join Eating Peace Retreat. It’s in San Francisco area next month. We’ll be in a private home in Newark, and it will be wonderful, and safe.
Anger turned inward feels very depressing. You can explore your thoughts, even the ones against yourself, with The Work.
“Oh Grace….I feel so horrible today, my eyes are bloodshot, I look in the mirror and feel worried about aging, and I feel fat. I know it’s so stupid.”
One of my dearest friends, who is an amazing, loving woman, also in her fifties like me and in unbelievable physical condition (a former professional athlete) left this message on my voicemail.
She’s going through a super rough transition with her long-term partner and needs a job.
I felt touched that she could say this out loud, actually admitting these kinds of troubled self-criticisms.
Because often what happens with our inner world, is we are so tormented and in turmoil by our emotional life, and feeling scared, that we’ll begin to turn on ourselves just to let off the fire of energy somehow.
Kind of like the way a bottle of fizzy water all shaken up explodes when you pop the cap off.
All over yourself.
I remember someone sharing a story once.
A dog had been hit by a car and was dying.
The owner ran into the street, heart racing and tears choking, and the dog, lying with a broken body, bit his beloved owner.
It’s a sort of strange, natural reaction sometimes to lunge out and hurt the one you love most–even if it’s YOU.
My dear friend doesn’t have any issues with food….her compulsive patterns used to show up in other ways around drugs and alcohol and smoking and she’s been sober and clean of all that for many years now.
But even those of us who don’t go to extremes with any substances, or with food, can have a stream of thinking and feeling where anger, confusion, fear and upset are directed like knives or sharp slaps towards ourselves.
What I like to remember is, it’s energy wanting to move somewhere.
It’s the reaction to stressful thinking. We feel bad. We feel desperate, or so worried.
Good time to remember to do this one part of inquiry, if it’s hard to remember to do it all (and I encourage you to call the Help Line or get someone to facilitate you if you can)….
….and this one part of self inquiry IS….
….notice the worst thought that you’re thinking.
Just that one.
I know you may have a whole pile of them. They seem to multiply fast and have babies and one piece of criticism turns into being critical of so much more.
But find ONE difficult thought, a basic core repetitive idea running through your mind.
My friend’s was “I can’t do this.”
I’ve had the same thought.
So deflating, depressing, sad, despairing.
But what you can do once you see and feel the thought permeating you, is to question.
We’re not trying to fix it, or destroy it, or even change it.
Only to see what the truth really is.
Is it true you can’t do what appears to be required?
Are you sure?
Write down your answers, get the journal out.
How do you react when you have this thought running through your head, that you can’t…..
I personally want to cry.
I might snap at others, or make general statements about life or the world and how dumb this all is, or those other people, or the state of affairs in politics.
Nice big general grand statements of YUCK.
But who would you be without your belief, if you couldn’t have this thought running in your mind?
If suddenly, you weren’t ABLE to think “I can’t”.
This is a powerful practice.
Sometimes it takes awhile to imagine. I like noticing that the tree doesn’t think it can’t, the table I’m sitting at while writing doesn’t think it can’t, this laptop doesn’t think it can’t, and this morning I myself didn’t think I can’t get up to go to the bathroom–I just did it.
So I know what it’s like to NOT have the thought that I can’t.
Now apply that same feeling to this situation, where you think you can’t.
What would it be like?
What would you sit like, walk like, breathe like, talk like?
This isn’t about forcing yourself to do anything, either, it’s really just noticing what it would be like to not have the belief “I can’t” in this moment in time.
THEN….turn the thought around to the opposite, just to try on every angle, every possibility. It’s opening up your view and your perspective to include ALL things in duality….can and can’t.
I can.
How could this be just as true, or truer?
Turned around again: My thinking can’t.
Yes, my thinking can’t get me a job, bring me peace, allow me to relax, get me more money. Movement, action, motion is what will bring me any of this.
But I can question my stressful thinking, and open up to the exciting turnarounds, and the bigger space of thinking something like “I can” and finding examples of how this can actually be true then brings new movement, new action, new motion, new ways of being.
Think – Feel – Act – Have.
The process of creation.
So let’s begin by looking at what we think clearly.
At least when I look, I see what is NOT true, and it becomes so much easier to see what is.
TA: I can eat normally, I can feel peaceful today, I can find a new job, I can spend time with people, I can take care of myself, I can feel beautiful, I can love my body, I can move away from things I don’t really want (food, boyfriend, substances, activities), I can say no, I can say yes, I can move slowly, I can live, I can be a human being in all my imperfect glory, I can speak up, I can stay quiet, I can do what seems right in this moment, and do something else tomorrow.
If you’d like to do the deep research, practice, wondering and exploration when it comes to the basics around EATING….
….I’m opening up a new Eating Peace Core Teleclass six week program, as a foundation for doing your ongoing work on emotional and compulsive eating.
We begin Friday March 4th from 2:00 – 3:30 pm Pacific Time. All audio (no video). Join from anywhere in the world with skype.
If it’s time to dive into The Work and Eating….I’d love to have you.
Click HERE for all the information and to register.
“I did The Work because I was in a hurry.” ~ Byron Katie
Big peace,
Grace
P.S. If you prefer in-person immersion learning, join me for the Eating Peace Retreat in Newark, California April 15-17 in six weeks. Everyone who enrolls in the telecourse can register for the April retreat for a special gift rate of $297 (instead of $347).
Have you been wanting to enter the deep place within where you can see your stress or anxiety, look at it with eyes open….
….and turn your thinking around?
In honor of LEAP day (my favorite!)….let’s leap into The Work.
What’s your top repetitive stressful scenario you deal with in your life?
Some people answer this question with “my relationship!”
They’re talking about a primary person they’re coupled with in their lives, or the one they’re dating, or the one they divorced!
Other people answer this question with “money!”
Maybe a source of stressful thinking in your life is through other people close to you at work, in your family, your kids, your friends.
One of my greatest sources of suffering was my eating, body image, lack of confidence, feeling undeserving, being addicted to fear and negativity.
All of us sometimes feel anxiety, irritation, anger, sadness, or fear.
Those feelings are our inner compass.
They’re the key that says “Hello? Hello? Tension is here! You might want to slow down, see what’s really going on, and question what you’re thinking!”
Even though all these feelings are so uncomfortable, they’re awesome for pointing to what wants to be investigated.
So….good, if you feel some stress.
You’re not broken. You’re a human being with a Thought Detector (known as Feelings).
There is nothing like doing The Work for doing this investigation, at least for me (and for so many people I’ve worked with).
It’s four questions, followed by finding the “turnarounds”.
They take a little time, maybe 20 minutes.
It’s a practice, like meditation, or relaxation.
Sometimes I’ve said “but I don’t have the time, I don’t want to slow down, I don’t want to answer questions” and yet, every single time I have done so, my life has changed just a wee bit.
Or done a 180.
Complete. Turnaround.
Happy about the divorce, instead of terrified. Curious about the cancer, instead of an anxious wreck. Full of wonder about the new possibilities, instead of angry about getting fired. Relaxed about the person I’m connected to, instead of annoyed.
Safe. Inspired. Open.
In honor of this wonderful Leap Year February 29th which won’t happen for another four years….I’m opening up some options for you for guidance in The Work and this powerful form of self-inquiry that leads to awareness, and peace.
It’s only if you need a kick-starter.
I sure did.
When I first read Loving What Is, I sat down on my couch in my living room while my kids were occupied with blocks and books for awhile.
I leafed through the pages.
OK, I thought. I get it. Now I need to try it.
I answered the questions on the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet, that first step where you get to identify what you’re actually thinking without it whizzing by so fast, like a speeding bullet.
The worksheet said “Judge Your Neighbor” so I judged my neighbor. She was a little irritating, now that I thought about it.
I look back and I think to myself….really?
That’s all I could come up with?
I had a mountain of past suffering, pain, tension, grief and shock that were all running my life and very un-investigated at the time. Even though I had been in therapy. Even though I had come a long way, and was very stable and no longer suffering from an eating disorder or addictive behaviors like smoking.
It took a lot of guidance, and attending Byron Katie’s 9-Day School for me to actually buckle down and DO The Work. Until then, I was a great avoider.
After I actually questioned my beliefs, I found out it wasn’t so horrible to see them, and take them through the process of The Work.
I wasn’t so afraid of what I thought anymore.
But it took people helping me, facilitating me, for me to get there. I couldn’t have done it alone.
If you find you’re stuck-ish, or not getting to the heart of the matter with your inquiry, or persistently struggling and anxious, then maybe you’d like to try a different approach with The Work and join a class, do some one-on-one sessions, or come to retreat.
So that’s where Day of Leap comes in.
I wanted to do something special just for today, and only for today.
I’m offering a set of options. See if any one of them appeals to you if you’re wanting more clarity around your exploration of what youthink that brings on stress in your life.
This work is about how to turn what you’re thinking around and find peace in its place, new ways of thinking about your difficult situation, and brand new possibilities.
See if something here is right for you.
It’s my honor to serve you in this amazing, lazer-sharp work that has changed so many peoples’ lives for the better, including mine.
Here’s what’s on the menu:
Let’s Do The Work on Not Getting What We Desire:TeleRetreat Sunday March 6 8:30 – 11:00 am PT $37
Intro Foundation of Eating Peace Teleclass: Six Weeks of Exercises and Inquiry to help you question and shift your inner overeater. Fridays, March 4 – April 8, 2-3:30 pm PT $197
One month Eating Peace In-Person Group to identify and question what fuels crazy eating or thinking about food. Seattle Mondays March 21 – April 11 7:00 – 9:00 pm. $197
Four Individual Sessions for $375 Skype, Phone or In-Person
Special Solo Retreat: In person or via skype/phone. We spend three hours together on your work, we have time for questions, reflection, talking about your work, you create a map for your living turnaround. $197.
Spring Retreat May 15-17 Leap Day Special $325. Three Full Days of The Work on Your Stressful Situations and Finding The Living Turnarounds! For people with some experience in The Work. North Seattle Kenmore Lodge.
These special leaping-in rates….in honor of LEAPING….will only be available until tonight at midnight.
Use this unique link to sign up for your choice of leaping in.
Once you’re in the paypal page, enter the amount of your program in the “Item Price” box and click Update
Complete your payment (if you are using a credit card, follow the link that says “Don’t have a paypal account?” even if you do)
Send me a personal email confirming you’ve signed up (so we don’t miss anything!) at grace@workwithgrace.com
I’ll send you all the details including possibilities for scheduling, and instructions for dialing in if you’re joining the Desire Tele-Retreat or the Eating Peace Teleclass.
Can’t wait to spend this powerful and sacred time together.
“So, how do you get back to heaven? To begin with, just notice the thoughts that take you away from it. You don’t have to believe everything your thoughts tell you. Just become familiar with the particular thoughts you use to deprive yourself of happiness. It may seem strange at first to get to know yourself in this way, but becoming familiar with your stressful thoughts will show you the way home to everything you need.” ~ Byron Katie
Have you ever gone to an exciting, inspiring, moving, meaningful, thrilling party, or a movie, or a show, a meeting, a class….
….and someone else who went to the very same event….
….hated it?
OK, not so surprising to hear someone on the planet dislikes what they experience, or an event, or a person they meet, or their life (LOL)!
But let’s say….you thought it was in the top ten most fun things you’ve ever done.
How could there be such different viewpoints?
Your friend over there, he hated the lecture, felt angry afterwards, and posted facebook messages advising people never, ever attend a lecture of this kind….
….and you thought it was brilliant and posted facebook messages on how heart-opening it was for you.
Well, it’s no big news that there’s different strokes for different folks, as the old saying goes.
However, if you find yourself feeling stress about someone Not Agreeing it was the best party ever, or the most wonderful workshop, or a great meeting….
….it’s an awesome place to explore with The Work.
What kinds of thoughts come through your mind, if someone doesn’t share the same opinion as you, or agree with you, or like the same thing you like, or vote exactly the same as you?
She must be closed-minded, screwed up, triggered
He’s too immature, slow, frightened
He’s forceful, too opinionated, tries to stir people up
How could someone not see it the way I see it? There must be something wrong with them! (Or me).
How do you react when you think someone isn’t seeing something clearly, like you?
How do you react when you believe that person is wrong?!
I avoid them.
I don’t go to places where they hang out. I don’t call or email back. I go to the other side of the room if I see them at a gathering. I feel distant, and maybe sad. I wonder what they’re thinking but don’t go ask them questions. I talk about them to other people I know who might agree with me on how weird it is they voted for that other candidate. I feel nervous, or confused.
Some people shout when they feel anxious or confronted, send angry letters or attack their “enemies’.
So…..stick with one moment when you felt the sting of someone not agreeing with you.
It really helps to narrow it down to one specific moment.
Because, I know, there are some people when you think about them you think big global all-encompassing thoughts like, “We NEVER agree on anything, we are sooooo different, we just don’t get along!”
Picking ONE thing you don’t agree on is far easier than ALL of it.
As you notice how you react when you think “it would be better if they liked what I like” (and they clearly don’t)….
….ask yourself this helpful question:
What would you have, if they agreed with you?
Why would that be so much better, than them NOT agreeing?
Huh.
I imagine this would bring me comfort, pleasure, connection, safety, happiness, a sense of not being alone.
I wouldn’t doubt my own opinions (one secret worry in the background when someone disagrees).
If someone agrees with me, a check mark goes on the list “you’re right!”
As if I needed other peoples’ opinions, or agreement, or collusion.
Who would I be without the belief that this is what I need?
What would it be like, in this situation, if I couldn’t have the thought enter my mind that they should vote the same as me, and there’s something wrong if they aren’t?
What if a big hodge-podge of infinite opinions and possibilities….is Reality and The Way Of It?
(It is, I notice).
How could it be a good thing that this person doesn’t agree with me about that restaurant, movie, workshop, method, idea, flavor, or interest?
Turning the thoughts around:
When it comes to this person and their disagreeing with me, could I be closed-minded, screwed up, triggered?
Is my thinking is too immature, slow, frightened in this situation?…Could he be experienced, calm, comfortable enough to be expressing his opinion?
Am I forceful, too opinionated, and stirring myself up about this unnecessarily by giving myself a heart-attack because someone doesn’t see it my way?
How could it even be possible that someone sees it the SAME way I see it? That’s totally impossible, because they are not me!
It is far more true that no one will ever agree with me and see things the very same exact way I do.
That would be weird. And delusional. And boring. And limited. And unexciting, immature, controlling, and closed off.
I notice I love when I learn new things from people, and connect with them in a way beyond opinions, with love and acceptance.
Not war.
I see how incredibly fun it is to not have an enemy, but to have a fascinating friend and representative of another way to look
It’s even an invitation to connect, share, find out more about someone else and how they tick, rather than trying to get the world to agree with me.
“True humility is not thinking less of yourself, it is thinking of yourself less.” ~ C.S. Lewis
Question your belief in Not Enough….discover the truth.
I’m offering the three day Eating Peace retreat this coming Friday, Saturday and Sunday. This is a time to completely unplug from your usual ways with food and eating.
This morning I noticed a funny thought float through.
There aren’t enough people enrolled.
Not Enough.
The Not Enoughs are back, alive and well. The belief in Not Enough of something…..anything.
It’s such a common human idea.
Not enough money, not enough time, not enough love, not enough pleasure, not enough peace, not enough accomplishment.
You might have noticed this thought, even if you’ve never eaten a bite of anything compulsively.
As I sat in meditation on this upcoming retreat, something I always do before I’m about to teach, I felt the sweetness of looking forward to whoever shows up, and feeling the joy and inspiration of investigating thought….and eating very slowly together.
Yes, we practice mindful eating at the retreat.
And people attend this retreat who don’t even have intense “eating” issues, it’s so amazing to slow down in this basic human experience called eating.
In the retreat, I stay with everyone every step of the way, including when you’re eating midday and in the evening. Every bite is eaten together.
Something almost none of us do on a daily basis.
Something I never even imagined I would one day do in a retreat, where I’m the facilitator!!!
Sometimes, when people take this Eating Peace retreat, people report a life-changing HALT, almost like the brakes were put on, around the wild eating cycle of constant compulsive thinking and behavior with food.
Wild cycles of compulsive eating…..
…..that’s certainly what it used to be like for me, thirty years ago.
If someone had offered a live workshop on eating peace at the time, I would have thrown myself into it as soon as possible. I had nothing like that available to me. What was available was therapy (I am grateful and deeply appreciative to all the therapists who worked with me). I also found a group called Beyond Dieting that met weekly about freedom from compulsive thinking about food. There were books to read. There were 12 Step Meetings.
But nothing just for crazed eaters like me that would help stop the insanity for a whole day or more.
I had to go to an inpatient hospital program for that. And I did.
But not before a LOT of suffering.
When I was about 25, I moved. Again.
I had lived in dorm rooms, apartments, house-shares and lots of temporary type housing (interspersed by staying at my parent’s home) since I was 18.
But that year when I was 25 after finally graduating from college, I actually moved a long distance away, going from Washington to Colorado.
I’ll never forget the silent drive for 3 days, camping in my own tent by myself, and feeling the combined fear and excitement of being on the road and entirely free and uncertain.
It’s a wild, strange feeling.
I remember driving through Wyoming and seeing the mountains rise up in sharp, dramatic peaks. I was on small backroads for a certain length of time and I pulled my little car over and stopped and got out and stood in the wind.
A herd of antelope moved off in the distance between me, and the mountains. The wind blew loudly. It was completely silent. Not one other car in sight. Brown grass blowing chaotically like water all around.
I was on my way to Denver. I was on my way into a new life chapter.
For awhile, when I arrived, I had an excited momentum of newness surrounding me. I knew what to do each day.
Project: Get A Job. Get A Place To Live.
Basics like that can keep you very busy and concentrated.
No time for the haunting sense of failure or need to overeat or binge-eat, or smoke or drink (which were low-level things I used occasionally also at the time).
The horrible behavior had been binge-eating. I hated it and fought with it and really did not want to experience it ever again. I had seen therapists for it and learned a lot.
That was OVER now!
But after about six months of things settling down, having a basic job at the University of Denver and my own room in a beautiful Victorian house-share with 4 other people….
….one day my visitor appeared again.
The mean, bored, critical one who was also quite frightened and felt like a victim with a chip on her shoulder and wanted to eat.
She was a part of me. And she was back.
Uh-oh.
I thought I had obliterated her from the face of the earth. And locked the door and thrown away the key.
But here she was returning after my “geographical cure” of moving to a brand new city, starting to make new friends, take new classes, be a new person.
Dang it.
She was kind of angry (wouldn’t you be?) that I had ignored her and put her on hold for so long.
I found myself opening the cupboards of the kitchen in this beautiful house I lived in on Elizabeth Street, and seeing what my roommates had for food.
I stared at their boxes of cereal, or loaves of bread, or chunks of cheese on other peoples’ designated shelves in the refrigerator.
I shaved off a tiny slice, trying to make it so it wasn’t noticed, of banana bread from someone’s package.
My mind started to kick in…..
…..if I just eat a little bite from everyone’s food, they won’t notice.
I did that.
And guess what?
It wasn’t enough.
I wanted more.
I got into my car, in snow 8 inches deep on the ground in my first Denver winter, and started to drive.
I call this, now, the Searching Trance.
I would turn into a fast food restaurant, order something that sounded normal, pay for it through the cold roll down window, and start to eat it the minute I drove away.
Driving and eating and looking for the next place to buy something to eat.
My mind would spin with what sounded good and what I wasn’t allowed and where I could find it.
Is it here? Is it there? Is it around that corner?
Quick, quick, quick, quick.
The adrenaline was pumping and there was a sense of almost being about to get caught, and sneaking everything I wasn’t allowed to eat (to think).
My mind was on an escape mission.
I ate and ate from one end of town to the other, and headed back to my home.
Inside, thankfully, only one of my housemates was home and I managed to smile a big fake smile, say hello, and speed past them to head upstairs to my room. And the bathroom where I would turn on the shower so nobody could hear me, and make myself throw up food I had just eaten.
Then….I could rest.
That’s the thing about that cycle….I could finally rest and I would sleep very deeply almost like I got knocked over the head.
Nowadays I look back at that suffering and realize if only I could have discovered a way to stop, lie down, and relax….
….I could have gotten there without the food.
But I didn’t know how.
I so badly wanted to rest my MIND and my thinking, and it never worked to lock it up or try to control the thoughts by suppressing them and pushing them away or down or out of sight.
Eventually, still in Denver, I checked myself in to the hospital treatment program for addiction and eating disorders and lived there for an entire month.
Fortunately for me, my health insurance through my job at the university paid almost in full for the entire program, although it was crazy expensive.
It was a huge help for me to live my life daily without the binge-eating, and not as a geographical cure…..
…..instead I was surrounded by people who knew how I suffered.
Every hour of every day was filled with exercises, groups, activities, relaxation, therapy, conversations and intense sharing of the deep darkness I held in my heart about life.
I had to face the most sad and frustrating events from my past, and look at ways to handle my thoughts without needing or using eating or any other substances to “help” me get through life.
Now, the honest truth is…..
…..I engaged in every single addictive behavior again after a certain period of time back in “regular” life on the street after my inpatient experience.
But that was when I got really scared again and didn’t know how to be with my own feelings and thoughts.
I had no way to inquire at the time.
I just “believed” and went with it. I thought what I was thinking was true.
However, that immersion into time without binge-eating or using anything, ever, to escape gave me some solid ground to walk on.
I knew I was going to be OK.
I knew I could return to practicing the belief in “enough”.
I got myself into a group, I went to meetings, I found ways to get support and not panic with the deep belief in Not Enough.
Who would you be without your thought in Not Enough of something?
Are you sure you need it?
Are you sure it’s not possible for you to get what you need?
Are you sure you can’t handle this moment easily, without that thing you believe is missing or that you don’t have enough of?
Whether it’s money, time, love, safety or success…..
…..what if you turned the thought around, after you contemplate being without it altogether?
I DO have Enough.
That thing I don’t have enough of?
What if it needs more of ME?
More of my kindness, acceptance, attention, willingness to hang out with it.
That mean nasty one who used to come visit and want to binge-eat?
I notice she still shows up sometimes, although she never cares about eating and hasn’t binged in several decades…..
…..because she doesn’t need to scream that loudly anymore.
She’s softer. She’s not so dark and dreary.
She’s more easily amused, and her mind changes much more quickly.
I let her sit at the table with me for as long as she wants, and she can tell me all about what I’m missing and what she believes isn’t present enough in my life.
I give myself a lot of her……
……because she is me.
Because the ultimate turnaround is:
I need more of myself, in this situation.
I need to attend to me, love me, enjoy me, notice me, care for me, be in love with me, dance with me, eat with me, hug me, feel the enoughness of being alive even as life changes and moves every day.
When I feel this way, I love everyone and everything I come into contact with….
….whether it’s a small workshop full of inquirers, or a big one with 100 participants in it.
I’ve had both, and it’s a marvel either way.
This retreat has room, apparently, for more.
And it is perfectly enough as is.
Can you find it, in your life?
In my world, I can trust that exactly the people who show up are the ones who are supposed to be here, and no more or no less.
If you think you’re possibly supposed to be with me this weekend, hit reply, or join now, or call me 206-650-1230. To register, click HERE.
And meanwhile, no matter who or where you are….
….question your belief that you don’t have enough of something.
It doesn’t mean you SHOULD go without. You don’t know what will happen, with inquiry. It’s just an adventure in exploring beliefs.
You might be amazed at what you find.
“The way out of suffering is to be engaged in the process of ending suffering. The process is the outcome. In Life, the transformation occurs in the process.” ~ Cheri Huber in I Don’t Want To I Don’t Feel Like It
“The Master stays behind; that is why she is ahead. She is detached from all things; that is why she is one with them. Because she has let go of herself, she is perfectly fulfilled.” ~ Tao Te Ching #7
News Flash: Join me for a completely free Eating Peace Master Class Online on Sunday morning 8:30 am Pacific Time. You participate from the comfort of your home with any computer. You’ll receive a link to the webinar in your Inbox if you register. To sign up, click HERE.
Watch my little two minute video about it here:
You can find peace with compulsive eating (thinking). Join me on Sunday!
Why am I offering such a class?
Because I’m committed to supporting people end their misery around food, eating and body image.
To end all misery, in every area, really.
You probably know by now, my worst nightmare was living with terrible thoughts and feelings about eating, food, and how my body looked and performed athletically.
Always falling short, never good enough.
Unable to stop binge-eating and then swinging to total restriction and freaking out on heavy exercise.
You don’t have to have this experience with eating to know the pain of compulsive or “addictive” behavior.
….this state of grabbing can precede the urge to smoke, spend money, buy stuff, clean, surf the internet for hours, watch TV, drink, smoke, gamble, obsess, be sexual, think.
Addicts Anonymous….you know what I mean?
Yikes.
It’s really not a happy life in this cycle.
But if we knew what else to do, we’d do it.
The interesting trick I’ve found (and the only one that seems to hold up over time)?
Questioning Thoughts.
Wondering who I would be without them.
Noticing what’s right here, now, in front of my face and in my environment.
What I’m surrounded by that is Not Thinking.
At first, it was just puzzling.
Then….wondering who I was without thought became quite interesting.
Then….fascinating.
And then….just a feeling, a being.
Here. Present. Accounted For.
But don’t worry about all that.
We all think, we all believe, we all take ourselves very seriously, we’ve all fallen into fantasy worlds.
All it takes is practice to relax, just like walking.
As you use your imagination to experience what it’s like to be without your stressful thoughts….
….you get a glimpse of freedom.
If you’re not sure how and you’re especially interested in questioning thoughts about food and eating….
….come join me on Sunday morning for The Work of Byron Katie on food and eating.
We’ll take at least one deeply stressful core belief to inquiry, so you’ll know what to do the next time you’re suffering.
And the next.
And the next.
You can do this.
Right now….who would you be without your thoughts? What’s going on around you, in you, through you?
Are you laughing yet?
And if you aren’t, there’s nothing wrong with you.
Eating Peace January 22-24, 2016 right here in north Seattle in a gorgeous lodge is about to happen. Still room for more. Click HERE for details. Repeaters receive a reduced rate. Come have three days of discovering peace when it comes to food and eating.
********
Reducing and dissolving your stress is a golden key to ending compulsive or emotional eating.
You may think “I already know that! But I can’t stop feeling stressed out!!”
Doing The Work of Byron Katie, the powerful inquiry-based stress reduction, is the most lazer, brilliant way to work with your stress I’ve ever found.
And I spent a long time looking for answers.
It’s not a little thing to work with your own belief system, and alter it.
Questioning your thoughts brings new ideas, feelings, possibilities….
….And with new feelings and possibilities, you are more likely to actually behave differently.
At least, this has always been my own experience.
You may have thoughts like these:
I can’t stop eating
I’ll never change
there is something wrong with me
I’m just too sick (or greedy) when it comes to food
nothing works that I’ve ever tried
They are big thoughts, and very stressful, but they can all be questioned and taken to inquiry.
The fourth question in The Work is: who would you be without your thought?
What would it be like to not have the thought that you can’t stop eating, you’ll never change, or there’s something wrong with you?
Don’t just say….I have no idea. It’s too hard. I can’t see it. I don’t know what I’d be like.
You have an amazing imagination, you aren’t missing anything as a human being, you are capable of slowing down and making discoveries about this dynamic with eating.
Watch here today to get a taste of peace with food and eating, and wondering who you would be, how you’d feel, what it would be like to not think your stressful thoughts?
Try it right now.
Eating Peace: Who are you without your beliefs about You and Eating?
That’s what my youngest sister once labeled my 10th grade experience of looking at yourself in the mirror before you went to school, and feeling…..well…..
I have three younger sisters, and we all had our self-critical moments when we were young.
But one day, I was telling my little sister how the day before on my way in to school I felt awful and I didn’t want people to see me, but by the afternoon, after I had a blast at band practice and some fun joking around in the hallways, my favorite teacher commended me on a project I had done, and I pretty much forgot about it.
She nodded.
Oh I know what that’s like, she said.
“It’s just the uglies.”
She was 12.
How’d she get so smart?
Instead of actually focusing in on the details like they were true….
….like that your face was blotchy, your hair was oily and flat, your thighs were too big, you had a zit on the edge of your nose where it meets the cheek, your clothes weren’t cute, your jacket was dirty, your eyebrows were too thick, your stomach was gross…..
…..it was a way of describing a whole way of thinking.
The Uglies.
She was identifying a mood, a way of looking that made everything appear ugly, rather than believing something really WAS ugly.
Which is what happens to us sometimes, even as adults.
I’m sure you’ve noticed.
You’ve got your Uglies glasses on.
When you feel self-conscious, self-critical and dismissive towards yourself, there may be something else going on besides just a tendency to be self-critical.
Self-hate and self-criticism doesn’t just pop out of the sky into you.
You weren’t born with it.
I always find, if I get the uglies, I can ask myself…..
…..what’s going on?
What am I believing to be true right now?
What’s the inside of my head like in the moment, my perception of the world?
I know it’s a big question, but it sure is better than attacking yourself for a huge list of faults….
….and far more fruitful for digging out the root of the suffering.
When I see me as ugly, I’m almost always seeing something else as frightening, sad, confusing, or irritating.
Ugliness is in the mind.
Here’s a powerful question that I never dreamed of asking consciously when I was in tenth grade:
What am I afraid of?
You can make a list, if you like, of people you feel nervous around.
These are people you feel might be making decisions about whether you’re an attractive person, or an unattractive person.
What’s the worst that could happen, if they find you ugly?
(You might also consider what’s the worst that could happen, if they find you beautiful, if this fits for you).
When you start writing about what can happen if someone thinks you’re ugly, you might be amazed if you really allow your mind to go there.
they’ll reject me
I’ll be all alone
they’ll win, I’ll lose
she’ll fire me
I’ll never be happy, or loved
I won’t be part of the inner circle
Now you have a threat you’re more clearly aware of.
The suffering you believe occurs when you’re rejected, left, abandoned, fired, cast out, dismissed, hated.
From this point…..
…..with a clearly stressful belief about what it means if someone thinks you’re unattractive…..
…..you can inquire, and do The Work.
Guess what I noticed as I did The Work over time on everyone I was afraid of, all the people I thought were judging me and criticizing me, or abandoning me?
After doing The Work for awhile, when I glanced at myself in the mirror at the beginning of my day in the morning….
….I smiled.
I automatically saw someone cute, and supportive more of the time.
I saw an image looking at me that said “Oh Hi! There you are you absolutely adorable person!”
Seriously, I actually started thinking that, almost every time I saw myself.
I did not try to make myself see myself as kind and loving, it just happened.
It was the result of questioning my thoughts and seeing through eyes that those other harsh people in my life had not rejected, abandoned, hated, dismissed, abused, hurt, or betrayed me.
They may have said some pretty mean things, and taken some pretty dreadful actions….
….but I understand now….
….they had The Uglies.
In the Eating Peace retreat, one exercise we do is fill out the Judge Your Body worksheet.
We get to look at the parts of our bodies that we just can’t see as beautiful, and put the nastiest thoughts in our minds about the body on paper.
Some of us try so hard to be thin, have the right clothes, have the right gestures, put on the best makeup and dream of the perfect non-rejectable image.
But calming your worries and fears down by trying to make the body look right is so difficult.
And besides…..we get old, we decline, we get sick or hurt, we have imperfections.
Why not start relaxing all that effort right now….
….and put the intense energy of the Uglies into questioning your stressful beliefs, into questioning the stressful way you actually SEE?
You can do this.
Come join me January 22-24 for the next 3 Day Eating PeaceRetreat in Seattle area.
The more you question, the more you can take off those Ugly glasses.
Your natural eyes see beauty, love, kindness and acceptance.
I say this because if I can see the beauty now, anyone can.
Yes, even you.
Much love,
Grace
P.S. I am sending this note today to those of you on the Eating Peace mailing list as well as Grace Notes, as I know many people suffer from eating issues and body image concerns. The upcoming retreat is filling and I’d love to have you there, to support you healing your Uglies.
If you want to update your subscription to drop or add any Work With Grace mail, just click the tiny print below that reads Update Profile and feel free to make changes.
without your stressful story, maybe all you have is a beautiful wishing rock
You might be able to tell, there’s a theme lately going on in Grace Notes or Eating Peace videos on youtube.
Retreat.
On the inside.
But you may not be so happy about that theme if you feel like you’re not doing it right.
If you feel like you’re completely pissed off, agitated, anxious or depressed. Or on attack mode (the opposite of retreat) running forward trying to get it handled, or fixed, or done forever.
I get it.
The other day I thought a stream of thoughts, all of which were along the same vein….
….like the way there are veins in the old granite rock up near Ross Lake in the wilderness, driving distance from my home.
Up near Ross Lake, huge slabs of rock are exposed, with a highway cutting through the edge that winds up through the mountains.
College and high school classes go there for the observation and learning about geology of the region, where the under-layers of earth pushed and cracked to the surface and became exposed.
Huge veins of deep or light color run through the rock.
Like the pebbles you see on beaches that have one line running through the pebble that’s different from the rest of the rock, making the pebble appear to have a ring around it.
Since I was little, the kids all said “pick up this kind of pebble, make a wish, and throw it over your left shoulder into the water….your wish will come true.”
Wishing rocks.
Who said so?
Maybe someone many generations back, or far, far back into so many years ago we don’t even remember.
That one thread running through the rock was so solid, so beautiful, so permanent, so colorful.
As I was noticing a thread of thinking running through my own mind, I suddenly had the vision of one of these pebbles….
….or a whole side of a mountain, like near Ross Lake, that had a thick vein of color running through it in massive proportion.
My thoughts were thick and tight and strong, and repetitive, like this vein.
Sigh.
They went like this:
Life is kind of dull, like the weather. I don’t feel like (fill in the blank). Maybe I should get a different regular normal job (I always love when this thought comes in). How about a cup of coffee? Yeah, that’s it. It’s not possible to be on retreat at all times. It’s too boring, too slow, and not practical. There are too many things I want to do in life, and I need to clean. And pay bills. My cottage is too small. The carpet needs vacuuming. Nothing ever works out perfectly.
Yeah.
It was that self-piteous. Piss. Moan.
It continued.
My clients and students who are angry right now, or having a hard time, especially those who experience a contentious relationship with eating?
There’s no solution. They’re right. Life is hard. Holidays are difficult. Family is troubling. People are complicated. Addiction is not easy to overcome. Compulsion is too strong to address. It’s too hard to change one’s story.
And while we’re at it, can I mention that I hate shopping?
BEEEEEEEPPPPPP.
Did you hear the loud horn?
It was the kind that is built to scare away bears in the wilderness.
You hear it?
It means “stop now”.
Because these kinds of thoughts are strong, compelling and they have babies faster than you can say Jack Robinson.
(Which, by the way, do you know where the saying comes from “faster than you can say Jack Robinson?” From the 1600s in England. Talk about passing along ancient impressive history and old stories through phrases, like the line in the hard rock lasting for generations into the future, even if we no longer know who Jack Robinson is anymore).
Pause.
Even though everything is happening.
Even though you are getting on and off airplanes, or wishing you could and you aren’t.
Even though you are upset with the weather, and worried about global warming, and its not snowing where you live anymore, or snowing too much.
Even though you were fired, or your love of you life divorced you. Even though you lost your hearing, or your health. Even though you can’t read every amazing classic book ever written. Even though you don’t know what to get your kid for Christmas. Even though you’re sick of decorations all around you when you do not even celebrate this holiday. Even though you ate too many cookies at the office party.
Just stop.
Do you notice how you react when you think it’s hopeless?
Do you notice what happens in your body when you believe the world is a dangerous place, or disappointing?
Ow.
When I believe these kinds of thoughts, there’s a crushing weight of self-criticism, responsibility, grief.
So who would you be without these thoughts?
Without beliefs that pack tightly together and create a line inside a rock?
What if you just caught that chatter that says “I’m sick of it” and wonder who you are without the belief?
Because there are already huge parts of you without the belief.
My pinky finger on my right hand, for example, doesn’t have any of these thoughts.
I also didn’t have these thoughts yesterday when curling up in bed to go to sleep after a productive day.
I didn’t have the thought when walking into the gym, or listening to one of my best friend’s messages about her own thoughts with love and acceptance.
Or when I noticed the beauty of red car tail lights filling the night streets. I’m not kidding.
You don’t even really have to work so incredibly hard to wonder what it would be like to not have these kinds of solid, ancient thoughts.
Because there is already a great part of you, far bigger than the energy of this thinking, that doesn’t have any of these thoughts.
Who are YOU anyway, who believes it has stressful thoughts?
Are you sure YOU have them?
Where are they?
I notice they are only an energy, zipping through.
I notice they only come into vein-formation if I begin to follow them, and believe them, and take them seriously.
The other day a student wrote to me “I feel like breaking something!”
“How do you know you’re supposed to be angry? You are!” ~ Byron Katie to me when asking her about my own anger and how to get rid of it.
Just because I think it, I feel it, doesn’t mean I AM IT.
Turning the thoughts around….
Life is full of movement, like the weather. I do feel like (fill in the blank). I am not the one in charge. Nothing is required. There are no solutions to “life”. It IS possible to be on retreat at all times, it’s already actually happening, I don’t have to try. My thoughts are profuse, and that’s fun. Only my mental noise and mind believes them, not the rest of me. I will never be “done”. My mind is too small, my mind needs vacuuming. Everything works out perfectly.
Pause a moment longer, now that you’ve been pausing to consider your thoughts, and not taking them seriously.
Take a very deep breath.
Relax your entire body. Hold still a moment.
Even if your mind yells and makes noise and comments and gestures and demands you get up and do something….
…..notice how you do not have to act like it’s true.
“Practice not doing, and everything will fall into place.” ~ Tao Te Ching #3
Have you been wanting to enter the deep place within where you can see your stress or anxiety, look at it with eyes open….
Have you ever gone to an exciting, inspiring, moving, meaningful, thrilling party, or a movie, or a show, a meeting, a class….
