Recently in the Eating Peace Core Teleclass I guided everyone through filling out a Judge Your Body worksheet.
The thing about worksheets on the body, is if you pause for two seconds and think about the body, the criticism or worry or judgments of it are…..well….infinite.
For the purposes of eating peace, we look in a concentrated way at appearance and all the associations we make with needing to look a certain way and how the mind concludes that we’re doing something wrong, we’re ugly, we need to fix our eating or exercise program. Obviously.
Astonishing how quickly the mind directs attention to solving the problem. Let’s fix this! Go! Go! Go!
It races off to find a solution without even taking a look at the original concept: this is wrong.
Now, here’s where it can get even more interesting.
Take a dive into WHY you need this body to look NOT like this, but another way, and actually allow yourself to see what it is you truly want.
Why did I want a thin body (or, to be attractive)? What would it give me? What would I have, if I had that Other Better Body?
It’s OK to admit your desires without embarrassment or shame.
What do you see your mind has locked in on, without discernment, without question, without inquiring, believing the assumption hook-line-and-sinker?
You need to be thin (thinner). You are fat. That cellulite is ugly. That belly is disgusting. I need these to change because other people think these same thoughts about me when they see me. And then, I am rejected. I am not picked. I am alone. I am abandoned.
Is any of this true?
Yes, oh yes, oh yes. It would be better to have thin, smooth, flat, long, tight, strong thighs. Says the mind, the eyeballs looking with the view of “corrective lenses”.
But are you absolutely sure what you’re thinking is accurate and true?
I always found I was so convinced people would like me, find me appealing, attractive, interesting. Almost like my survival depended on it. I would be abandoned without looking amazing. My mom, my dad, my grandparents all agreed. I heard them say things when I was young. They even talked about themselves negatively. I can tell this thin-thing is important. And I want their love!
There’s a book for this, written by a sage and wise woman Byron Katie: “I Need Your Love–Is That True?”
People in the Eating Peace Core class said….but….wait a second.
If I don’t think I’m ugly, or fat, or need to do something….
….then I will never, ever change!!
It’s true, in my experience, that I’ve been drawn to look at my mind and my beliefs because of noticing that when I thought them, I suffered. I would perhaps never have done The Work without suffering, I don’t know for sure—I do see that conflict, sadness, agony, hatred, judgment and criticism felt painful, and I wanted to stop feeling like it was all unbearable, intolerable, not worth living through.
But here’s a great question:
Are you SURE you need to hate yourself, or your body, in order to assist it to change? Are you sure you need to judge, despise, and criticize yourself the second you see your thighs in a window (that’s how fast it happens, when you’re conditioned deeply)?
Are you sure you actually need what you think a great body would get you (their love and adoration)?
I thought a great body would get me romance, acceptance, attention, maybe even fame.
News Flash: it didn’t.
How do you react when you believe your body size and shape, if it were “right”, would bring you happiness?
You make sure you do everything humanly possible to keep your body in “admirable” shape. Without addressing your deepest fears and suffering, or conflicted thoughts. It’s a lot of work.
So who would you be without your belief system about thinness, fatness, needing to limit eating, needing to control yourself, needing to fix who you really are?
Hold very still as you contemplate this answer.
Who is asking this question? Who is doing the looking at the body? Have you noticed the body doesn’t look back at you? It’s just there, being itself. YOU are the one who is looking. An observer.
Can you look with the eyes of a three-year old who doesn’t have all these judgments piled on yet? How about with the eyes of someone loving, supportive, kind, attentive, and gentle? How does God look at this body? How does Reality see these thighs? Can you look, just for a second, without your bitter judgment?
You CAN. Because it’s just as possible for you as the critical way. And it feels much better. It feels secure, patient, solid, unconditional.
How do you think your eating will change more easily…..if you HATE the way you look, or LOVE the way you look?
Watch my video telling what happened for me when I did The Work on my ugly, cellulite-filled, repulsive thighs.
Are you sure if you think you’re beautiful, no matter how imperfect, and accepting….that you’ll never be thin?
Well you might as well at least try seeing with different eyes. Note to self: looking with criticism and hatred hasn’t worked so far to make you change.
Eating Agony can turn into Eating Peace….you have what it takes to quit hurting yourself with your thinking, with your eating, and change your life
The first Eating Peace course I taught was in 2010, six years ago.
I can raise my hand and say with all honesty, even though some people benefitted, I was a total beginner and it wasn’t anywhere near as good and clear as the program is now.
Ugh.
It was not actually called Eating Peace back then. It was called “Too Much Not Enough”….because what I had found in my own recovery from horrible eating was that the way I ate had to do with what I was thinking.
What I was thinking was…..there was Too Much of something OR Not Enough of something in my reality, in my world.
Or both. Usually, both.
Too Much of something right in the very moment I was eating, or wanting to eat, when I wasn’t hungry. And Not Enough of something in the very same moment.
It’s like some kind of centered internal balance was GONE. Vaporized. The pendulum was swinging out of whack.
Too Much of what, or Not Enough of WHAT….you might be asking?
A most excellent and brilliant question.
What I believed was Too Much was most often the following:
big feelings, pressure, requests from others, too many demands, advice, danger, threat, boredom, disappointment, rebellion. The biggest feelings I had the worst time dealing with were anger and fear and every variation of either one (anxiety, nerves, rage, irritation).
What I believed was Not Enough in situations where I found myself eating when not hungry were the following:
my ability to stop the cycle, my capacity to love myself, receiving unconditional love from anyone, not enough time, not enough genuine attention, not enough kindness or forgiveness, not enough willingness to let something go. The feelings I felt most unhappy with that there weren’t enough of were love and acceptance.
My whole entire view of reality was it was flawed….and unfortunately so was I. Something was missing (Not Enough) or something was present that shouldn’t be (Too Much).
One of the best ways you can begin to explore your inner world (and get ready to be shocked by how this actually affects your eating–for the better) is to honestly examine your mind.
People believe they need a mate, money, time, kindness, a bigger house, a better job, world peace, no war…..in order to be truly happy.
People believe they must eliminate sadness, poverty, violence, and their own qualities of not-enoughness in order to be truly happy.
What I know is, if you’re waiting for life to be perfectly in balance according to your definition of Just Right….
….you’ll be waiting forever.
When I ate because I was angry, terrified, bored or hurting….I didn’t have the conscious thoughts “here’s what I think is too much for me right now, or not enough of right now”.
I just started eating. The belief sped by under the surface, and I quick started eating before I could see it. My feelings ruled everything, they were wild and frightening and very big.
The only way I’ve found to get started on unraveling this deep level of how I feel about life, and how this affects the way I ate, was to start by identifying the thoughts running in my mind—the stressful, troubling, harsh ones I felt about life.
We start to do this in the Eating Peace Core TeleClass.
And like I said, after six years teaching eating peace and the improvements I’ve made, and experience I’ve had along the way working with others, I am better at working and guiding people now than I was six years ago when I first wanted to share recovery with the world.
I’ve heard the same kinds of thoughts over and over again by working with many people, and I recognize the similarities those of us who eat off-balance have about food, eating and the body.
Sure, there are variations. Some people have never been super heavy in weight because they’ve vomited or over-exercised. Some people have under-eaten most of their lives and felt extreme tension around food. Some people have been chronically overweight or even obese, or yo-yo’d up and and down and been on a thousand diets.
But even if the symptoms and the appearance looks different, they are all sides of the same coin.
The coin that says “something is wrong with reality here”. There’s too much, or not enough. I can’t handle this. I’m too scared. I’m too angry. Life is too hard.
I call the Eating Peace Core TeleClass the “core” teleclass because we dive into the basic first-level beliefs most of us carry who have eaten weirdly.
When I first started out teaching, I wanted so badly for everyone to find relief and freedom, I hardly talked about myself. I didn’t share what I really thought when someone was struggling, even though I had lots of experience. We needed to question reality, after all….this wasn’t about the food! But it was jumping over too big a canyon, and people didn’t get what I was talking about.
Wait, isn’t this about eating?
I learned along the way to move back and forth between questions of life, and questions about eating, and to listen very closely with every group and class for the unique flavors and concerns of every person present. I learned that it was never the same, but it was helpful to present the patterns I saw come forward, and share these with everyone, every time.
So, that’s what we do in this Eating Peace Core Teleclass. I’m sharing with you what I found very helpful to begin with on my road to recovery, and how to practice it in an ongoing way.
For the first two weeks (Module One) we look at our relationship to the food/eating/diet plan. Everyone shares theirs with me. We dialogue back and forth about it. You will make a commitment to explore why you eat too much when you do, or why you eat too little when you do. What takes you out of a peaceful, balanced, normal way of eating?
Weeks 3 and 4 (Module Two) we identify our judgments about bodies. This is fascinating, to write what we think about someone’s body who is “overweight” and what we think about “perfect” bodies. Where did you learn how to see this way? Finding out brings huge ah-ha’s and insight for many.
During weeks 5 and 6 (Module Three) we remember moments of eating with our family of origin. What was it like when we were young, with mom and dad, or other huge influencers in our lives? What did these people say, or model, about eating or reasons to eat?
Finally the last two weeks (Module Four) we get to really sink into what we think there’s too much of in our lives, and not enough of in our lives. What’s missing, what’s overwhelming? We get to make a list and see what our thought-system holds.
Only by identifying clearly all our beliefs can we take them to inquiry and actually QUESTION them. When we question our thinking, we can change our vision, and change our eating, and change our lives.
Everyone who takes Eating Peace Core Teleclass will get weekly exercises and then we’ll go through the actual inquiry process on our live phone calls using The Work of Byron Katie. You’ll know how to begin working with your eating in your daily life, and begin the journey of the road home to eating peace.
Peace means never eating so much you hurt yourself, and never eating so little you hurt yourself.
This Eating Peace Core Teleclass will be the last until the fall. We meet Mondays 5:30 – 7:00 pm Pacific Time for 8 weeks beginning tomorrow, May 9th. Room for 2 more people. Please write to me if you really want to enroll, but you can’t afford the fee ($395). It’s my privilege to help everyone who suffers from eating battles, food fears, body hatred and criticism, to question their beliefs and change their eating.
This course is also excellent for those wanting this support, but not ready to take the full Eating Peace Online TeleProgram offered for the past two winters. This long course, covering more than 3 months together from November through February, is a very comprehensive practice combining the best practices and spiritual principles of a mindful, feeling-full, peaceful life with food. It’s a program of transformation and everyone who joins Eating Peace Online gets access to life, so no matter where you are in your journey….you can take the time you need to come home.
And what IS eating peace anyway? What does it look like?
I know you understand the word “peace” and what it feels like. Peace is soft, kind, supportive, loving, empty and nourishing at the same time. It’s the absence of war.
Eating Peace is the absence of debate, argument, attack, violence or fighting with food or the act of eating. I used to fight with every thought I had about eating and my weight or my body.
What I was really fighting with, was my experience of my life and reality. I could not see much peace in reality, so there wasn’t much peace in my eating either.
Listen here as I share some of what eating peace is like, now, and can be for you, too. Everyone has this birthright. You are born able to eat peacefully.
If you’ve had questions about food plan, and getting one….there are many ways you can land on what really works for you. I share an introduction to this in the video today.
If you want to know more about the Eating Peace Core Teleclass, you can read all about it and sign up here ($395 for 8 weeks, and please write to me if you absolutely cannot afford the fee, I am always open to considering options with you, if you deeply want to participate). Click HERE to read about the course, and register (and there’s a short summary of the modules below, too).
Much love, Grace
Eating Peace Core TeleClass:
Module One: (weeks one and two) Underlying Beliefs that fuel eating off-balance and the Food Plan. Should you follow a food plan, or not? I’ll share when it’s a good idea, and when not. I’ll also share the most common underlying beliefs I’ve found that create eating havoc. You’ll send me your peaceful food plan and I’ll share mine with you.
Module Two: (weeks three and four) Judging Bodies. What are your thoughts about how you should look, or what those other people look like? What do you think of other perfect bodies? We’ll explore why we
Module Three: (weeks five and six) Who Taught You? Here we look at what we innocently learned from those around us, whether family of origin or society or both. We learn to disconnect our actions from what we thought was “truth” about eating.
Module Four: (weeks seven and eight) Peace Beyond Beliefs. We look even deeper at the underlying beliefs, including what we’re thinking there’s Not Enough or Too Much of in our lives that isn’t food.
In the Eating Peace Core Teleclass, we explore how the mind takes over our experience of eating and our relationship to food becomes eating war, not eating peace.
But when you travel and leave home or are faced with something different and unusual with eating, anxiety and war-like thoughts might become even MORE difficult.
When you leave home, or change something familiar….even going out to eat at a new restaurant or attending a meal at someone’s home….
….many people with eating concerns think “Oh no, what will they serve? What will I eat? Will it be OK? I might overeat! I might not get enough! I’ll probably gain weight!” and on and ond with fearful anxious thoughts.
First, take a deep breath.
(What I always love to call the “first course” of any meal….a deep breath).
Then, do this (watch the video). Nothing else required.
If you’re ready to join the next Eating Peace Core teleclass, the next one is 8 weeks (instead of 6) and we’ll meet on Mondays 5:30-7:00 pm Pacific time starting May 9th. (Yes, you can listen to the recordings if you can’t make it live….and I will also offer this course on a morning hour in the future as well Pacific Time if this works better with your schedule).
Module One: (weeks one and two) Underlying Beliefs that fuel eating off-balance and the Food Plan. Should you follow a food plan, or not? I’ll share when it’s a good idea, and when not. I’ll also share the most common underlying beliefs I’ve found that create eating havoc. You’ll send me your peaceful food plan and I’ll share mine with you.
Module Two: (weeks three and four) Judging Bodies. What are your thoughts about how you should look, or what those other people look like? What do you think of other perfect bodies? We’ll explore why we
Module Three: (weeks five and six) Who Taught You? Here we look at what we innocently learned from those around us, whether family of origin or society or both. We learn to disconnect our actions from what we thought was “truth” about eating.
Module Four: (weeks seven and eight) Peace Beyond Beliefs. We look even deeper at the underlying beliefs, including what we’re thinking there’s Not Enough or Too Much of in our lives that isn’t food.
If you’d like to come along on this journey, the core eating peace teleclass is a wonderful way to look closely at your relationship with food and what thoughts and feelings take you away from the natural peace within.
All you need to join the course is a phone, or skype, or any way to dial the number or connect to the event via computer. The course is audio only (not video). We will have only a small handful of people so I can give you personal attention on this journey.
Teaching Eating Peace Retreat recently in California was magnificent.
I always love who appears to share the freedom of slowing down, stopping, holding still on a moment and identifying the thoughts that come alive in the presence of food.
Memories from the past, the people who raised us, the experience of being with food and eating it can all be present in this moment now, when we’re eating.
Together, we went back and looked at situations and our history, and at what we projected into the future that might happen that seemed scary.
If you’re wondering how to do this….today I’m sharing my January Eating Peace talk from the Institute for The Work convention (Byron Katie and certified facilitators in the audience). I didn’t know it would be filmed when I was there, but so honored it was and so happy to share it with you now.
This is the way to begin to understand and end your experience of eating off-balance.
Knowing you can discover peace with everything, including food and your body.
While on retreat here with a beautiful assembly of those who have shown up to be together these three days, I’m struck by a thought someone mentioned our first day together.
I can’t eat whatever I want.
This tantrum shows up in so much more than food and eating.
I can’t DO whatever I want. I can’t BUY whatever I want. I can’t SEE whatever I want. I can’t TAKE whatever I want. I can’t HAVE whatever I want.
It’s like a deep cry of feeling limited, enraged, locked in by the circumstances of life or reality.
When we do it anyway, eat anyway, take anyway….even though there are consequences we don’t like….
….we may “win” just for a moment, but then we lose.
The frustration and fury and guilt gets ramped up even higher.
Yesterday, as our retreat group investigated together, someone became aware of a beautiful distinction I’ve heard before.
The body “can’t” eat everything….it’s the mind that wants to, and can.
What if you rested there?
What if, instead of following, like a zombie, the demands of mind saying you MUST eat, drink, do, have, see, take….even if there are horrible consequences (like being overweight, or going to jail, or harming something, or feeling ashamed)….
….you went ahead and let the mind have a hissy fit, and you let it run wild with imagination having everything it wants all by itself without dragging the body along?
Instead of saying “NO, don’t think about that!!” to yourself, in terror, what if you treated your thoughts like they were there for a reason, and doing the best they can (like a toddler)?
Everyone had a laugh imagining the mind getting to eat the entire box of cookies, or taking one bite of everything on display, or wolfing down the entire extra large chocolate bar.
Later as we walked around a nearby lake, in silence, as a part of a contemplative exercise during retreat, we took the question with us on our walk: who would you be, walking this path, without the belief you have an eating problem?
Who would we be, without the belief “I can’t have what I want, in this moment and it’s HORRIBLE!!?”
I notice, in this morning moment squares of bright sunlight shining through a curtain, on an avocado green wall. I hear the sound of air blowing through a vent. I see a dark magenta colored tassel hanging from a silver doorknob.
I feel the joy of the sweet day ahead in sharing with others the preciousness of inquiry, and my notes and curriculum on this little laptop.
Turning the thought around: I can have what I want, in this moment.
Could what is happening right now be good enough? Could what is present be supporting you? What if everything you ever thought you couldn’t get or have or eat or feel or be…..was available?
Is what I thought I wanted really the thing I want?
All I know is….all those times I ate and ate and ate actual food, it was never what I really wanted. I never felt satisfied, or happy, or thrilled, or joyful. It was never enough, it never hit the spot. It felt like “almost but not quite” or wildly far, to be honest, from what I really wanted.
What I really wanted was to feel “enough” and at the same time feel excited about what was unfolding….because life was indeed unfolding, constantly.
Even if this moment is filled with thoughts of “I can’t”….the body doesn’t have to take action.
I hear the words “Is It True?” and allow inquiry to fall into this moment, too.
What if I really did not know what I can or can’t have, or do, or say, or be? What if I have no clue? What if nothing is required, for this moment to be OK? What if “I can’t” is hilarious instead of hellish and frustrating? What if I can?
What if it doesn’t really ultimately matter, and I knew peace and joy were possible no matter what?
What if you left all your notions of what’s missing behind, if you left all your beliefs behind, like all these beautiful retreat attendees do at every meal, as we do The Work together on stressful beliefs like“I can’t….”?
sunny rose outside my California window this morning, on retreat
This morning I’ve awakened to huge red roses outside my California bedroom window, and bright sun shining in light blue sky.
We’re about to gather in a few hours for Eating Peace Retreat.
I love this journey.
One of my favorite questions to ask, and answer….is why I am unhappy (if I think I am) about a situation, an interaction, a condition?
I will be asking all the beautiful people attending the retreat today this question, especially about eating, weight, food, and even beyond these.
What is going on here in our lives when it comes to “(fill in the blank on someone you feel bad about)”?
This is the first question on the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet, when we’re identifying why we’re troubled.
Spending some time there, with our answers, is deeply powerful.
Wondering why, identifying why, writing it down.
Only when captured on paper, or in consciousness, can we then work with these reasons, and find out what’s really true.
“Self-inquiry is a spiritually induced form of wintertime. It’s not about looking for a right answer so much as stripping away and letting you see what is not necessary, what you can do without, what you are without your leaves.” ~ Adyashanti
So touched by my latest Peace Talk conversation with Debra Wilkinson, awakened and bright (and free from nutty eating, a freedom we share).
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eating peace
Next week I’m off to California to teach Eating Peace near Oakland, starting Friday 9:30 am. Join me if what you really want is to understand what makes you eat (or think) out-of-balance without trying to destroy your cravings, or yourself, on the way.
Why do I mention this idea about destroying cravings?
Well…..isn’t it what we’ve all wished for, or tried to do, unsuccessfully? The cravings sure don’t have to be about food. they can be for anything.
We wish we’d stop wanting or thinking about “x”, we go to war and try to kill the craving for “x”, but the image or desire for “x” keeps returning.
I got to work with a lovely inquirer just yesterday, on her cravings for potato chips. This is not the first time someone has come to a session to inquire on craving, specifically, potato chips.
But you can do this on anything: chocolate, sugar, tobacco, alcohol, sex, gambling, cleaning, internetting, working, exercising, wealth.
The feeling is “I have to do this”.
You won’t feel settled, calm, and relaxed until you get or do this thing.
I often found inside myself that this deep craving, and the activity of pursuing it and feeding it (literally, for me) was my reaction to a belief.
If you have NO IDEA what belief you’re thinking that would drive you to ingest something or do something whacked like spend $1000 on credit cards you don’t have, then take a moment to do this exercise. The inquirer working on her craving for potato chips did this with me yesterday.
Invite the craving to take a physical shape and form, like a person.
What does this being look like?
Did you hear the knock on the door? Say “come in” for once, instead of “get lost you creep!”
Have them sit down with you, like you’re doing a therapy session with them, or a special heart-to-heart conversation, or a mediated talk.
Tell the craving you’re sorry you’ve been trying to kill them all these years, and now….you’re willing to listen.
Get out your notebook, like you’re an amazing world famous journalist, and start writing.
What color is this craving? Where does it sit, in relation to you (and especially when it was around and you wound up getting overwhelmed by it)? What is its temperature? What shape is it? Where is it moving? What does it remind you of?
If this craving had a voice, what would it tell you?
Ask it why it’s here? What’s it trying to help you avoid? What’s it trying to help you get, that you think is missing right now?
When you think about the last time this craving visited you, what else were you upset about, or worried about, or thinking about….that the craving needed to come visit?
What do you believe, if anything, that you can’t handle? What do you believe is really honestly missing, in that moment where you needed to do something, or eat something?
What was wrong with that moment, that getting this thing or doing this activity would soothe?
These are some very powerful questions.
Questions that help you get curious about what’s going on, instead of remain at war.
Because what I do know about war with reality is, you lose.
And craving/grabbing/reaching/wanting is a part of your reality, right?
“Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy–the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.”
~ Brene Brown
No, this is not about giving in to your cravings and gobbling everything in sight for the rest of your life.
It’s the opposite.
This is about dealing with them once and for all.
It’s not easy, but discovering the infinite power of your light is no small thing.
