Grace – Page 149 – The Work of Byron Katie with Grace

July 6, 2013

Have Money But Still Feel Anxious

When people come to question their beliefs about Money, they usually fall into one of two categories:

no money, limited income, barely enough to buy food, utilities, rent, struggling to keep surviving, difficulty with work, trouble with earning and receiving money
huge desire to do something powerful with money, be free of the worry of it, wanting to make a difference, wanting the money flow to be meaningful

Not long ago I was working with someone who has plenty of money in her bank account.

But something bothered her deeply about her free time, the way she spent her money, her semi-retirement status.

She felt guilty, disconnected from the feeling of “drive”, lazy, pointless…maybe even slightly depressed.

She had grown children, a husband who was a super successful lawyer, and she did not want anything….

….except more meaning in her life.

She was sometimes bored.

She attended lots of spiritual conferences and retreats, meditated, did yoga, traveled extensively. But if she thought about REALLY going for it and following her interests, she pulled back, afraid that she might lose a good thing, lose the support (in the form of money) that she had.

Clearly her problem wasn’t lack of money, but, there was something about this having of it that felt out of sorts.

I actually had the thought “gosh, I’d love to have that problem….”

And then she told me about how she couldn’t talk about this “problem” with anyone in her life because they all got jealous, thought she should be appreciative of her incredibly abundant situation financially, and stop complaining.

I snapped out of it, and looked at this set of beliefs she was bringing for inquiry…a deep feeling of lack of importance, that she “should” be grateful, and worry about other peoples’ criticisms.

I loved that I got this chance to be there and inquire myself, through her honesty and intention, and find out more about money.

It’s a very painful thought to think “I’ll just keep being bored or listless, or not feel much purpose….I should be doing more, but I don’t want to risk the good amount of money that I do have.”

It adds to the pain to believe you shouldn’t be feeling the way you actually feel.

Believing we should be doing MORE than we are doing is rough, or that if we step out into doing something new and unusual, that we could lose our financial stability.

“I should be doing something more….meaningful, important, fun, supportive, interesting, passionate, eye-catching, exciting, charitable, helpful….but that would be risky.”

Is that true?

Seems true. Seems like a lot of my time is spent taking care of myself and my family, gathering my nuts and storing them, and trying not to lose any of my money.

When I have this thought….even if quite low in stress level, I have a heavy feeling in the body. I think I’m not good enough. I feel guilty. Disappointed.

I get fearful thoughts about not having money, I feel anxious when I spend money. But I still buy stuff, since I have it.

Who would you be without the thought that you should be doing MORE with your life and that it’s scary to do something unusual, out of the status-quo, radical, or that you don’t need to worry about a future?

I wouldn’t have a feeling of hurry-hurry-hurry. I wouldn’t feel lethargic or self-condemning. I’d gently take care of myself. I wouldn’t compare myself to other people and THEIR success.

I’d give more, without nervousness.

The woman I facilitated answered that without her thought that she should be doing more, she could relax.

She found that without the thought that she should do more with all her abundance and time….she was enormously relieved.

Without the thought, she noticed that there were some ideas that excited her, a creative spark that lit. She might not WANT to travel all the time, she might not WANT to host parties, there may be some very thrilling things she could become involved in.

The turnaround: I do not need to do more with my life or worry about losing my money.

What if that was as true or truer than the original thought? What if whatever was being done was just right?

What if I need to DO less with my life? No need to orchestrate, push, control, plan, invest well, keep, hold on?

What if I stopped “trying” so hard to achieve, make a difference, accomplish, protect?

I might become fearless about money coming, and money going. Respectful, moving from my hand to that other place, and other money moving into my hand again (or not).

“I’ve never seen a work or money problem that didn’t turn out to be a thinking problem. I used to believe that I needed money to be happy. Even when I had a lot, I was often sick with the fear that something terrible would happen and I would lose it. I realize now that no amount of money is worth that kind of stress.” ~ Byron Katie

Who would I be without my money story?

I keep learning about it, every day, unraveling my beliefs….so very exciting. Such freedom.

“The Master observes the world but trust his inner vision. He allows things to come and go. His heart is open as the sky”. ~Tao Te Ching #12

Love, Grace

P.S. Click right below to read all about the upcoming 8 week Money teleclass. It’s such an adventure to question all the thinking about money, service, rejection, selling, employment. Join us!

July 5, 2013

Time To Really Care About Money

Money.

What a lot of beliefs about one single topic! Where do we even begin?

This morning I was sitting on my pretty cream-colored leather sofa with my laptop, the little cottage quiet and cool in the dawn summer morning.

For many years, I sat on an ugly, torn, tan, ragged sofa in the very same spot.

It would hurt my left hip, because my butt sank so low into the crevas between the back and the seat, I practically sank through to the floor.

I grew up with that old couch. I believe my parents purchased it in the late 60s. It used to have a matching couch, but that one broke during a potluck gathering dinner about 15 years ago.

One of my friends, a guest, sat down and the couch caved in to the ground.

But I didn’t get rid of the second one! I couldn’t afford a new couch!

The gorgeous cream-colored couch I sit on now I bought six months ago.

I have carried many very painful beliefs about money, about buying things, selling things, selling services, trading money for fun, storing money, saving money, accessing money.

And over time (it’s taken a few years, ahem) I have felt myself getting lighter and lighter and freer and more thrilled and more excited about money…whether its in my hand (or my bank account) or not.

The reason it took me so very long to buy a new couch to sit on related to a huge pile of unpleasant and unquestioned and opposing beliefs.

If you had asked me, I might not have been able to even tell you these beliefs were present.

I had to undo them like peeling an onion. And yes, it made me cry. I have spent a lot of time worried, unhappy, and depressed about money.

I created for myself a lot of sadness and anxiety.

Here were many of my beliefs:

its very hard to get, earn, find, acquire money
I don’t have anything worth trading for money
I can do without….its almost easier, then no terror of losing money
when people (maybe me) get loads of money, they become selfish, greedy, sick, unspiritual, ruthless, anxious, and bossy
men like women who don’t want money or things that cost money….and since I like men, its dangerous to want money
when I have no money, I have no power
when I have no power, I don’t get to choose, decide, live, or be how I really want to be
I must work and not be picky about it
everything that is wonderful costs money
I can’t live an opulent, luxurious, rich, interesting life without lots of money
my life with money is a huge disappointment

It is very painful to believe these thoughts…it meant for me that life couldn’t be fun without money, and since money was too hard to acquire, that life couldn’t be fun.

My attitude was to make do, survive, and ignore money.

Like it was the crazy uncle who might be dangerous, so better stay away. Don’t ask too many questions.

Danger!

One of the first times I really sat with money and what it truly meant to me, I had so many images in my head I was confused.

It was like I had a huge committee screaming totally opposing ideas, solutions to this Great Problem of Money.

I began, however, with the first thought that I wrote down.

“I am upset about Money because I need more of it.”

I then asked myself the four questions, doing The Work.

Is it true that I need more money?

Are you kidding me? Have you seen my bank statement? I only have ten dollars left to my name!

But in that exact moment, sitting quietly, did I need more money?

Did I have enough food to eat? Yes. Did I have air to breathe? Yes.

I even had an old used car, a cute cottage, clothes, a whole kitchen with silverware and pots and pans and an oven.

But I need more money in order to have fun, to feel secure and safe, to feel at home, to feel comfortable, abundant, stable, peaceful, confident, powerful!

Was that actually true?

Was having more money the way to get these things?

Wow. No. I could experience any of these emotional states by questioning my thinking, by simply noticing that they were present.

All these elements were alive and breathing all around me, in most creative and interesting and mysterious ways: safety was here, security, stability, comfort, abundance, confidence, power, peace.

I could find examples of every single thing, how all of this was here, now, in this amazing moment called Now.

I began to look at the opposites of all that I believed, and try them on, just to investigate. I found concrete, genuine examples for every turnaround here, that I knew to be true already:

its very easy to get, earn, find, acquire money. Gosh, come to think of it, I’ve had about 50 jobs in my lifetime.
I have an infinite amount of ideas, service, creativity, skill, experience worth trading for money
I can do with or without, there is no fear necessary either way, I need not be concerned with any future
when people (maybe me) get loads of money, they become generous, giving, healthy, spiritual, discerning, calm, and easy-going
money has nothing to do with relationship unless you believe ancient thoughts that have been passed along for generations
when I have no money, I have lots of power: I am focused, clear, I know what my priority is, I feel determined!
when I have no power, I get set free to surrender into being how I really want to be
I do not ever have to work, and I can be picky about it in an exciting way and adjust, ask for, and explore what I like
everything that is wonderful does not have anything to do with money
I can live an opulent, luxurious, rich, interesting life without lots of money
my life with money is a huge teacher and success

Finally, I realized that I could go to a luxurious furniture store, with a lovely salesman, and smell the beautiful leather, and notice the colors, the styles, the artistic design, the beauty of all the play and energy that went into making every piece of furniture there.

I could find out how much my favorite sofa cost, and realize that I could come up with that much money because of all my ease, relaxation, inquiry and peace around every dollar that came and went through my life.

I said yes to questioning my troubling beliefs about money, and when I said yes to listening to these thoughts, and spent time with them….money started showing up much more often.

“Authentic inquiry is allowing yourself to care, to take on the weightless burden of caring. Everyone knows what it’s like to inquire out of intellectual interest–asking for the sake of asking or because you think you should. This is not caring. When you care about something, it gets inside of you. It gets inside the shell that keeps you from being affected or bothered, the shell that keeps anything really new from happening.” ~ Adyashanti

If you’re wanting support to question your beliefs about work, money, business and earning….if you want something new to happen….then come join our group next Thursday, July 11th, 5:15-6:45 pm Pacific time for 8 weeks. Click HERE to register.

If you need some scholarship help, write and ask me: grace@workwithgrace.com

Love, Grace

Dear Grace,

Thank you. A year ago you gave me a discounted place on one of your business courses. I went into it open minded but not exactly sure what (if any) impact it would have.

At the very outset of the course I remember you saying that we should deal with whatever will stop us from fully participating in the course.

That simple challenge meant it was the first course that I have taken that I completely participated in (and I have taken a lot of courses).

I am still working with my issues around money, however in terms of my business…

… it doubled within a year of taking the course.

Working with you was a major consciousness shift.

It was a brilliant and worthwhile investment on many levels.

Thank you for your valuable work – and very welcome grace notes.

~ JC, Kenya

July 4, 2013

Money and Sexuality Teleclasses Start Next Week

Next week two teleclasses begin: One on Money and many threads that relate to Money and the opposing or uncomfortable beliefs we have about it.

The other on Sexuality and all those thoughts that are most nerve-wracking or frightening or frustrating about THAT topic.

If you’re interested in either one click over to the teleclasses page. You can click on any teleclass page to read all about it.

Both Money and Sexuality are considered very sensitive issues. As in, so sensitive, you may not want to discuss them. Or hear other people discuss them.

It’s like there are certain codes socially that we may find ourselves automatically following, without even questioning whether they are true:

never say how much money you make to anyone, especially close friends or family
don’t talk about your attractions to other people, it causes trouble
don’t ask questions about sexuality, or express concerns—you’ll be embarrassed
if you’ve ever owed a lot of money, make sure to keep a lid on that information (people will judge you as a loser)
if you’ve ever had a difficult or violent sexual encounter, don’t tell anyone
if you’ve been in a troubling financial or sexual situation, there might be something wrong with you
don’t do business with friends or family, people get upset and it could ruin the relationship for life
if you make a lot of money or enjoy a lot of physical pleasure, people will get jealous, criticize you, feel envious, or think you are undeserving….so keep that under wraps
don’t talk about the details of your sexual encounters! Ewww!

I notice that people feel pretty nervous sometimes when we all gather together to identify our most troubling beliefs about Money, Work and Business OR Sexuality.

There are so many assumptions to move through, just to even be able to say your beliefs about these topics out loud! Yikes!

But as someone said recently….it’s so worth it.

Step Number One of The Work is seeing what you’re believing under the surface. These are the thoughts that you think, based on your past experience, that color how you look at your relationship with money, at how you feel about sexual feelings, attractive people, desire, or acquiring things with money, selling things, receiving money, earning money.

Step One is identifying your most upsetting beliefs. Good news: it’s not very difficult to find them.

They are there, often right in front of us in our heads (and felt in our bodies) when we have a stressful experience around one of these topics.

Something happens, and we feel worried, frustrated, anxious.

Our minds start running. These stressful thoughts are the petty, childish, embarrassing, judgmental, bitter, critical, mean, defensive, angry thoughts that are all there anyway, hanging back in the shadows.

They come out when we think we’re in danger, or threatened, or afraid that some past experience will repeat itself.

One of my most favorite discoveries in my life has been the numerous times I’ve found that telling the whole truth, asking all my questions, exposing my inner thoughts….has led to enormous freedom.

Who would you be without the thought that you shouldn’t talk about money or sex, for the danger of other people judging you, or other people behaving with uncertainty, or other people being upset, or feeling rejected?

Who would you be without the thought that you need to be quiet on these topics?

I found that when I didn’t force myself to keep thoughts about money or sexuality hidden, when I wasn’t frightened of my own thinking…..then I could use the thoughts, the issues, the beliefs I have had about these topics to become enlightened.

These areas of life offered amazing areas of investigation, for me to find out what was really true for me, to feel the peace and unconditional love available to anyone.

Who would you be without the thought that you have to hide, avoid, push away, or destroy your thinking or memories around these subjects?

You may find it’s safe to talk about them and investigate them, and a weight that has been on your mind (or physically on your body) becomes much lighter.

You may find that in your investigation and in your safety that other areas of your life, that have nothing to do with money or sexuality, become more clear, loving, and easy.

“There’s no intimacy when we’re in fear and there’s no love when we’re in fear…..it’s there, it’s just that our awareness of it is broken. So we experience this separateness. So what I invite people to do is to identify when they’re stressed out and look at their relationship, you know love and sex and what we’re all talking about here in this particular time together. We look at what we’re believing about our partner, and that either turns us off or it turns us on, physically.” ~ Byron Katie

Finding out what you’re thinking about money or sexuality, for me, has been finding out what I fear and what I love.

What turns me on, or turns me off…with working, loving, spending, giving, receiving, being, conversing, connecting…finding out what I am believing is an amazing journey!

Come join other inquirers in exploring your thoughts and beliefs, what you have learned, observed, repeated to yourself, worried about, feared…..and see what can happen.

You may be surprised.

Who would you be without your stories around money, attraction, promotion, receiving, giving?

Who would you be if you felt joy, happiness, simplicity, love, health and ease with money or with sexuality?

“Not-knowing is true knowledge. Presuming to know is a disease. First realize that you are sick; then you can move toward health. The Master is her own physician. She has healed herself of all knowing. Thus she is truly whole.” ~ Tao Te Ching #71

Money Teleclass: July 11-Aug 29, 5:15-6:45 pm PT, 8 weeks
Sexuality Teleclass: July 12-Aug 30, Noon-1:30 pm PT, 8 weeks

Freedom To Speak
“Thanks to all of you for such a wonderful teleclass and the freedom to speak about sex as if I was talking about a nose or arm, how cool that we have this time together…and thank you Grace for having the foresight to bring this topic to the open space of presence for us to question it.” ~ Tanya, teleclass participant

Marketing Became Easy
“Through Grace and her class, I confronted my issues with marketing my business with patience, ease and self-compassion. She helped me open up to all my fears and depression over this issue and move beyond that without pressure and impatience. I learned so much from this course. I highly recommend it. It helped me understand that real freedom is not a how-to-do-it job. It is through being with myself as I am that I can find all the love and enthusiasm I relish from life. Results came out of who I was being, not in doing it “right” or through effort.”- Ben, teleclass participant

Love, Grace

July 3, 2013

When Practicing Non-Doing Looks Like Picking Up Socks

This morning I had one of those smooth, no-hitch, right-on-time kind of stretches of moving here and there and accomplishing all kinds of things that has lasted, mostly, for about nine hours.

I am rocking with the completion of administrative duties and happy action!

Super early client, other clients scheduled, son to doctor, eye-glass prescription handled, kitchen fully cleaned, broken cell phone replaced, excellent gym workout including arms, iphone calendar updated and synced, green smoothie, reply emails done, photo copies for Breitenbush event completed, forms filled out, envelopes stuffed, flyer completed and sent to printer, teleclass….

….I won’t go on. But you get the idea! I’m rockin’ the house! Tasks done! Action Action Action! Hiya! I got the Powah!

So much fun.

But then…the mind looks out at the rest of the world and begins to find a few things wanting. A few things at fault, not quite right.

There are some other people who are NOT accomplishing as much as MOI!

Those other people are somehow slower, not aware, not the same as I am, they don’t care, and they don’t appear to be finding my way of doing things interesting.

They may not even be noticing my fabulous way of doing things.

All was fine…until the thought that person should git up off their hiney and go faster!

The other day I had a wonderful inquirer sharing her stressful thoughts about her partner. He was out playing golf, and had been saying he would clean out the garage for months.

She was not pleased.

Oh boy. I happen to know this stressful way of thinking.

the kids should notice the dishes need to be cleaned, and do them
everyone else should see that the carpet needs vacuuming, and vacuum of course
I should never have to ask anyone to tidy up
my spouse says he will do something, but I do not see it being done!
he’s lazy
she’s too distracted
that person should understand how much better it is to GET THINGS DONE
work first, play later

There are many visions of how it works best. Speed, clarity, energy, ticking off the list, power, peak performance, efficiency, discipline!

But I will never forget once, sitting in a meditation retreat, when a dear fellow-participant spoke with great pain in her voice describing her feeling of depression, not wanting to move, low energy, listlessness, and discouragement about being overweight.

The very dear and wise meditation teacher asked her if she could simply be, in this apparent state in the present moment, without needing to change it….

….no need to make it faster, better, different.

At Breitenbush these past five days, our group returned again and again to imagining what it would be like to be without the thought that the body needed to change.

No pressure, no pushing, no forcing, no condemnation for the current condition.

But other people should feel as awesome and psyched about running around handling the basic logistics of life as I am!

If they don’t think they need to change, they won’t, and things will stay the same, and life will be non-productive!

They should be energizer bunnies, like I have been today!

Whole books are written on this idea. They list all the things humans *should* do to make themselves powerful and successful.

If you don’t match that picture, it can be really disappointing and discouraging, and feel impossible.

But who would you be without the thought that there is someone, THAT person (you know the one I’m talkin’ about) who really should be doing things faster, or more efficiently?

I notice the second I ask myself this question, I am very simply back to me, enjoying myself and whatever energy comes out of this particular body…..which by the way, I can’t actually say has all that much to do with me.

I can’t honestly say that I am forcing myself, or making myself, or planning, or pushing or expecting. I actually had no plans for this day to go this way. I didn’t even have a to-do list written.

This energy and efficiency feels like it is not from me, or about me. If I stop labeling things “good” and “bad”…then how could I possibly know that moving slower isn’t just as fabulous?

What if the turnarounds are as true, or truer?

the kids should NOT notice the dishes need to be cleaned, unless they do. I notice I absolutely LOVE to clean the kitchen.
no one else should see that the carpet needs vacuuming, and do it, because it is so dang fun for me to see the before-and-after…I am amazed by vacuums
I should not have to ask myself to tidy up, like it’s a bad thing. I notice that without my mind getting involved, I love the simplicity of tidying up, and the easiness of it, and I don’t “have to” ask myself to do it.
I say I will do something all the time, and do not see it instantly being done….so I guess that is apparently the way of it.
my own thinking is lazy….it’s spending time looking at other people and evaluating their laziness
I am too distracted….I love simply watching where this body goes, without my mind driving everything—oh look, “it” is cleaning the toilet, how interesting. What will she (it) do next?
I should understand how much better it is FOR ME to get things done, it brings such joy to me
work is play, play is work…one is not better than the other. I have spent many hours in my life loving the movement of “working” on something, there is no need to create order or boss myself or others

“One day in 1986, after The Work was alive in me, I realized that it simply wasn’t true that my children should pick up their socks. I saw that I was the one who should pick up the socks if I wanted them picked up. My children were perfectly happy with their socks on the floor. Who had the problem? It was me. It was my thoughts about the socks on the floor that had made my life difficult, not the socks themselves. And who had the solution? Again, me. I realized that I could be right, or I could be free. It took just a few moments for me to pick up the socks, without any thought of my children. And an amazing thing began to happen. I realized that I loved picking up their socks. It was for me, not for them. It stopped being a chore in that moment, and it became a pleasure to pick them up and see the uncluttered floor. Eventually, they noticed my pleasure and began to pick up their socks on their own, without my having to say anything. I have had 21 years of sock-free floors (and my children tell me that they have too).” ~ Byron Katie

I did what was next in front of me today, and the way unfolded before me with a lot of ease and delight.

Tomorrow perhaps there will be a slower pace, a traffic jam, a broken printer, a way things move where achievement of a task is not possible…and that will be interesting too.

Relaxing completely, without being “right” that others should copy my way of doing things, or that today was a “good” day by comparison.

Can I see today that success, efficiency, accomplishment, and joy can also come alive in someone who is very still, who is resting, who has no need to be in action?

Yes.

“Practice not-doing, and everything will fall into place.” ~ Tao Te Ching #3

Love, Grace

Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Thursdays, July 11 – August 29, 2013, 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. Register Here.
Our Wonderful Sexuality: A Safe Place For Inquiry on Painful Thoughts About Sexuality. Fridays, July 12 – August 30, 2013 Noon – 1:30 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. Register Here.
Mini Retreats Seattle. Saturdays 1:30-5:30 pm. 2013: 8/10, 10/19, 11/30, 1:30-5:30 pm. 2014 Mini Retreats: 1/18, 3/8, 5/3, 10/11, 12/6/14. 4 CEUs can be earned. Goldilocks Cottage. $70 includes intensive, handouts, tea and snacks, $55 repeater rate. Click here to register for mini-retreats
Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven: Who’s Bugging You? Parent, Child, Spouse, Partner, Boss, Client…bring them. September 12 – November 7, 2013 8 – 9:30 am PT Register Here.
Pain, Sickness and Death: The Worst That Can Happen. Fridays, September 13 – October 25, 2013 10-11:30 am PT. 6 week teleclass. Register Here.
Horrible Food Wonderful Food Weekend! Seattle, December 14-15, 2013 10 am – 9 pm Sat and 10 am – 5 pm Sun. Stay tuned for details coming soon.

July 2, 2013

That Person Separated From Me

So many people lately have contacted me to work with them about a a spouse, a lover, a friend, a very close person “leaving” them.

The pain involved in a break up, especially when you believe it shouldn’t be happening (or maybe, ONLY if you think it shouldn’t be happening) is excruciating.

I can hear it in the peoples’ voices….men and women both.

She/he shouldn’t have broken up with me
It is better being in a relationship than out of one
They shouldn’t have left me a voicemail to break up!
They shouldn’t have emailed me or written me a letter to break up!
They shouldn’t have texted me to break up!
I demand face-to-face explanation, time, connection
There is a right way to say goodbye

Really?

How do I know it isn’t true that someone should NOT text their break up words?

People do it! It’s reality!

Before we jump all the way to how it might be a good thing to receive a text “I am breaking up with you. We are no longer friends. Please do not contact me again”….I love exploring, with honor and acceptance and compassion, why it feels so bad.

For me, it was because I instantly assumed a whole load of beliefs to be true, and many of them boiled down to “I know what is best for me, for them, for this situation….and it is NOT what is happening.”

Byron Katie likes to joke “who needs God, when we have your opinion?”

That may feel a little harsh, especially when you’re hurting, and it is not meant in any way to suggest that you are wrong.

But for me, it opened up the possibility that what had happened was a good thing, or something I didn’t understand (and maybe never would) and that I may want to consider not toying with the universe and demanding it go the way I want it to go.

This idea is not yet another way to add to your list of pain, that you shouldn’t be so upset, that you are mistaken, that your grief is unfounded.

Your stress and pain is in exactly the most powerful place, the most perfect level, for you to notice how deeply you are fighting reality.

There is reality…with a person texting you “goodbye”.

Right on heals of awareness of this reality, practically the second it occurs, you react.

You explode with anger, terror, pain…you rip the person to shreds, you say how rude they are, how unenlightened, how immature.

People who break up with other people abruptly, with only a few words, are mean, should have given their partners more time, more attention, more comfort, more processing.

Are you sure?

These kinds of thoughts will even appear when someone dies. Suddenly, our beloved partner is gone.

We are shocked, it feels like our world is turned inside out. We can hardly breathe.

And yet, we start to think about what they could have done differently, or what they might have tried or adjusted or considered so that this sudden shocking event of them “leaving” didn’t happen in this exact way.

They shouldn’t have signed up to be in the military in the first place! They should have been wearing their seatbelt! They should have lost weight and taken better care of themselves! They should have gotten sober! They shouldn’t have been up in the middle of the night! They should have consulted a different doctor! They should have gotten their bike fixed!

The mind has a great plan for improvement, even in the past.

But it all points back to a profoundly deep belief that we are separated now, and before, we were together.

You are separated from that person….is it true?

Right in this moment, when you are thinking about them, crying, remembering, seeing them clearly in your mind….are you 100% separated from them?

I didn’t find it to be true, once I looked.

BUT! WAIT!

That person is not IN THE ROOM with me! The future looks as if I may never have them in the same room again with me! Life with that person is OVER!

Look again and be slow about it. Even if think it’s true that you are separated from that beloved person, you may notice that you are not 100% certain.

You have memories, you can picture them perfectly, you can see their smile, you can hear their laughter.

They are in your heart.

“If we’re going to love well, then we’re going to have to stop seeing people as problems.” ~ Adyashanti

This includes them being a problem when they leave.

Perhaps there is no right way to say goodbye, except the way that it is done. That way IS the right way. I can find the advantages every time.

Perhaps you are not actually left, but you are set free…I can see this as true for me.

Perhaps you are not separate from them, or from the universe or life, from All That Is, from Source, mystery, beauty, or love.

In fact, I am sure you are not. It just looked like you were for a moment…according to you.

But it isn’t true.

“Peace doesn’t require two people; it requires only one. It has to be you. The problem begins and ends there.” ~ Byron Katie

Wouldn’t it be amazing to feel the incredible freedom that no one else on this entire planet, including the one who breaks up via text, has to follow your rules?

Love, Grace

Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Thursdays, July 11 – August 29, 2013, 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. Register Here.
Our Wonderful Sexuality: A Safe Place For Inquiry on Painful Thoughts About Sexuality. Fridays, July 12 – August 30, 2013 Noon – 1:30 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. Register Here.
Mini Retreats Seattle. Saturdays 1:30-5:30 pm. 2013: 8/10, 10/19, 11/30, 1:30-5:30 pm. 2014 Mini Retreats: 1/18, 3/8, 5/3, 10/11, 12/6/14. 4 CEUs can be earned. Goldilocks Cottage. $70 includes intensive, handouts, tea and snacks, $55 repeater rate. Click here to register for mini-retreats:

July 1, 2013

Speak The Truth, Create A Revolution

When a community of spirits comes together, a gathering of sincere individuals, it is one of the most beautiful experiences I have ever known, and most life-changing and revolutionary.

Revolutionary? That’s a pretty strong word!

What’s a revolution?

In the dictionary, it means a sudden, complete or marked change in something.

That’s what a gathering of people has sometimes created for me and for many of the members….quietly, with absolutely no violence whatsoever, no “should” or “have to”.

A revolt of the way I see things, and perhaps the way we all see things together.

My first genuine group experience, besides seminar discussions in college or meetings to accomplish a task, was long ago when I was in my twenties.

I had been to regular sessions with several different therapists over a few years, some longer than others, and learned something from every single one.

I still had a lot of self-loathing and twisted thinking.

Then, a good friend recommended a therapist. Innocently, although with some of the usual adrenaline running through my nerves, I called her to make an appointment, after thinking about it for about six months.

After meeting for only about five months every week, the therapist suggested it was time for me to enter Group.

Group? What’s that? What was she talking about?

Turned out she ran therapy groups. Oh.

This is where other people, with their own concerns and troubles, gather at the same time each week for almost 3 hours to process, connect, think creatively, support each other, look at “change” and what it means.

But wait! I have a special weird thing happening called “disordered eating” and that’s gross. I don’t want to share that with other people!

Can’t we just keep meeting one-on-one?

I was pressed for another month to join Group.

Fast forward to a moment six months down the road, when I had been showing up every week and paying money to attend this collection of individuals gathered to find freedom, to inquire into their understanding of life, to feel peace.

I had not said more than about three sentences.

The therapist, MY therapist, said at the beginning of the group circle “I have something I want to address with Grace today“.

Gulp! Me? But I’m thinking of escaping as soon as possible! I’m trying to make myself invisible. I’m not sure I even like all these people. You mean, you’ve noticed that I’m still here? YIKES!

This wise woman therapist looked me in the eyes, while everyone watched and listened.

“Are you aware of how much control and power you contain and keep for yourself when you remain silent? When you don’t share what’s in your heart, you don’t speak up, you don’t connect with all of us honestly and authentically…..you don’t tell the truth?”

My assignment was to talk. That’s it.

You would have thought I had been assigned to jump out of an airplane without a parachute.

But I started talking. I didn’t like the sound of being someone who was trying to “control” the situation. I was trying to control my life all the time, and swinging out of control with food and eating….it was clear that the way things had gone so far was not very well.

I was willing to try something different.

It was revolutionary.

My life began to change, by reflecting my thoughts and feelings, and listening to others.

And now, today, I am back from co-facilitating a powerful retreat on The Work of Byron Katie, where people gathered literally from all over the country to question their thinking.

We began with the body, identifying those thoughts we have about the body that are frustrating, sad, disappointing, vicious, critical, worrisome.

Any thought about the body.

All the ways it needs to be fixed.

We moved into connecting how this way we feel and think about the body is the same as how we feel and think about our lives, people we are close to, about our universe.

The group, through The Work, dropped into honesty, willingness, sincerity and love.

We were all learning there together, equals on the path, beginners in doing The Work and advanced practitioners of The Work…everyone having had exactly the right experiences so far in life to bring them to that moment, gathered with those exact people.

Once again we all learned that as we shared our inner worlds it melted into the outer world, loosening the boundaries between this thing I call “me” and the wide open universe.

No need to control or keep power or resist or have great fear of whatever is inside you.

“If you truly want to grow spiritually, you’ll realize that keeping your stuff is keeping you trapped. Eventually you’ll want out, at any cost. You will then realize that life is actually trying to help you. Life is surrounding you with people and situations that stimulate growth. You don’t have to decide who’s right or wrong. You don’t have to worry about other people’s issues. You only have to be willing to open your heart in the face of anything and everything, and permit the purification process to take place.” ~ Michael Singer

Tell the truth today. Gently, with kindness, with love. Even if it’s very frightening. Expose yourself.

Create a quiet revolution for your own life.

Love, Grace

June 29, 2013

Those Yakety Yak Talkative People Were My Teachers

A most interesting thought, one that appears quite often for many humans, is a judgment that someone in their world talks too much.

She is such a Chatty Cathy
He drones on and on
That kid never shuts up
She will keep me on the phone forever
He’s always dominating the conversation
Men can’t stop talking about their accomplishments
Women can’t stop talking about their complaints
I need to go, but that person needs to finish speaking first

All kinds of other subtle beliefs dance around these beliefs about those upsetting talkative blabbermouth people….but a core repetitive idea that lies at the bottom of the list is that they should STOP talking.

Then, I would be happier.

Probably everyone else in the environment would also be happier. I’m sure of it!

I see how I have reacted when I believe the thought that someone should stop talking…..

….the minute I hear their voice, or see their phone number appear on my cell as it begins to ring, I want to run. I want to get away. I cringe. I don’t answer the phone.

I feel a clenching in my stomach. Ach, not this again.

I feel trapped in the conversation.

One of my most favorite discoveries in questioning this thought has been realizing my own inability to interrupt, walk away with gentleness, say no, and notice that I am no longer moved to listen.

There I was, believing that someone should be quiet, stop communicating, stop pestering me (or everyone) with wordiness, hush up, slow down, listen, get silent….

….and there I was waiting, with fake patience, for them to figure out that it would be better if they stopped talking!

I discovered the turnaround that they should keep talking, especially as long as I waited like a victim for them to stop.

I was being invited to investigate this thing I felt so resistant to, with compassion, clarity and peace.

Just because they were talking did not mean I needed to listen.

Just because they were talking did not mean they were desperate for conversation, or that it would hurt them if I said “I am done listening now, I want/need to go do something else.”

Just because they were talking did not mean there was something wrong with them!

So as I watched myself question the belief that anyone should ever stop talking, I noticed myself joyfully interrupt, learn to say I am not available, tell a caller that I need to hang up now, and gently leave if I wanted someplace quiet.

The most true turnaround?

I should stop talking, in my mind, going on and on about that talkative person and how my happiness depended on them stopping.

I should stop saying internally “I wish they would stop” and “I need to get out of this conversation and don’t know how” and “I can’t say no” and “I can’t hang up the phone” and “it would be rude to cut them off”.

I should stop talking to myself, telling myself that I should listen when I don’t really want to.

I had the most wonderful realization recently, while facilitating our amazing group of inquirers at Breitenbush Hot Springs.

I saw that since I have done my work on this concept, and pow-wowed with others, and humbly learned that I had a huge desire in the past to never interrupt…that NOW I am GREAT at interrupting.

In fact, I don’t give it a second thought. I never had any stressful thoughts about anyone who was talking, I just knew to watch the time and hold the space as a facilitator.

I knew that it was my turn to be the leader. It was sweet and powerful.

Trusting the guidance from within that has nothing to do with being nice or not-nice. Taking action without being against anything!

“True mastery can be gained by letting things go their own way. It can’t be gained by interfering.” ~ Tao Te Ching #48

I discovered that I had actually been interfering with my own preferences in the past. I had not been letting things go their own way, allowing that person to talk, me to take care of myself, or take care of the group.

“We don’t want to take care of ourselves because that means giving up the wish to be taken care of by someone else.” ~ Cheri Huber

When no one has to change in order for me to be happy, they can be talking and talking, and I know what to do (and it may change, I may love listening, I may not).

When I take care of myself honestly, I am free. Truly free.

In the structure and the guidance is love.

Love, Grace

P.S. Next year Breitenbush! Same time of year, same place, new fabulous inquiry, new (and returning) group of amazing inquirers. June 25 – 29, 2014. Stay tuned for more information.

June 28, 2013

OK That Death Is On Your Shoulder

Here I am in the lush, earthy-smelling, dark green, damp Pacific Northwest forest of eastern Oregon.

I am sitting in my little cabin, in bed with my trusty laptop, and my newly written worksheet on The Body.

Fourteen people have come together to contemplate painful beliefs about the body, including eating, pain, accidents, mental illness, weight, aging.

“The worksheet” as you know, if you’re familiar with The Work, is the place where you write out your most despicable, vicious, frightened, depressing, nervous, unhappy thoughts about whatever it is you are thinking about.

It might be a person you know, your parents, your child, the weather, the government, that country, this world, your house, your work, money, your body.

Even if you’re not super familiar with The Work….step one on the way to discovering freedom and a life without stress is simply identifying the painful thoughts speeding through your mind.

These are thoughts you think that don’t feel good. Images you picture that don’t feel fun or sweet, that may be horrifying or extremely sad.

Memories that appear that are desperate, dreadful, or disgusting.

There are a lot of thoughts in the mind that feel downright awful when you think them.

This is the beginning of The Work…identifying these difficult, troubling, worrisome thoughts.

Then, once they are out in broad daylight, right there on the paper, they can be examined rather than avoided or brushed under the rug.

In our workshop full of people, we all wrote a Judge Your Body worksheet after considering a time when we had an objection to something going on in the body.

A situation occurred, and we saw our body as a problem, some part of our body as an irritant, or a major fear.

For me, my body grew a tumor on the right leg. Cancer! It also has a cellulite-y butt, an aching right foot, a left hip that gets stiff, and graying hair.

And yes, I know the mind is right here, close as close can be, watching the whole thing, inseparable from this body, a part of it…and yet we can so easily separate the body from whatever it is I think of as “me”.

It seems like there is my body, and then there is my mind, which notices, thinks about, critiques, and finds solutions for the body.

The mind, I notice, has had judgments, opinions and assumptions (happy ones and unhappy ones) about the body since I was very young!

So this evening, I’ve brought myself this gift of reeming the heck out of this body, telling it what I REALLY think about this situation.

No holding back…this is letting it rip to the fullest throttle.

Question One on the Judgment worksheet: What is it about your body that angers, confuses, or disappoints you, and why?

I mean REALLY, REALLY enrages you, scares you, gets you mixed up, disappoints you, freaks you out, makes you feel nauseated?

Well…since you asked….

I am frightened with this body because it’s going to die. It feels pain. It’s vulnerable. It can never be absolutely perfect.

This situation sucks! Who thought this up anyway! We come into a body, it runs into things and things bump into it, it grows and moves and operates itself somehow through some amazing and mysterious life force, and then decays either a little or a lot, and dies either sooner or later.

Stuff has happened, and will happen again, that HURTS. I don’t have control. I don’t even get how the thing actually works, or why it’s doing what it does.

And after being in the body (which I’m not exactly sure I am in, depending on what “I” is) and being here on planet earth, I have to die after all that! Jeez!

I OBJECT!

But wait.

Instead of objecting over and over again (which I notice has never worked so far to change the situation) and ask if it is really true for me that it’s upsetting that this body is going to die?

YES! If someone asked me right now, like a waiter in a restaurant: would you like death…or would you like life?

I’d say LIFE. Duh.

So can I absolutely, beyond any shadow of a doubt, know that it is upsetting to die?

Can I know that it’s final, difficult, painful, tragic, that I’ll leave all the people I love forever, that I’ll never be connected to them again, that it will hurt?

Oh, well, now that you put it that way. I can’t actually KNOW with complete absoluteness that dying is upsetting. Or separating, final, painful.

I haven’t actually done it, in this lifetime. Yet.

Come to think of it, I have NO IDEA if it’s true that death is upsetting.

I know that the way I react to the world and to my life when I believe that dying is upsetting is that I cling to this life, I think people with great health, youth, and vitality are lucky, I think signs of aging (meaning…on the way to death) are bad. I think my cancer was frightening.

The way I react to the world when I believe death is upsetting is that when someone I really love dies I feel very, very sad. I miss them.

Who would I be without this thought that death is upsetting?

What if I couldn’t believe that this situation of being alive, in a body, is disturbing (in a bad way)?

What if everything is going unimaginably well with this body? What if it was a good, good thing that it’s had the “flaws” it has appeared to have, the accidents, the distress, the injuries, the pain, the ugliness, the signs of death?

What if death is so dang awesome it’s going to be the adventure of a lifetime!

Fabulous! Can’t wait! So lucky if you find out your dying sooner than later! Woohoo!

“Each separate being in the universe returns to the common source. Returning to the source is serenity.” ~ Tao Te Ching #16

Of course you may not be thrilled about death, or life, every moment. But to begin to examine this idea called death…that we will all experience…opens up our minds to Great Investigation.

We feel fear, sorrow, angst, paranoia, impermanence, we imagine what we’ll miss in the future when we consider death, so sure it will hurt either emotionally or physically.

But not to brace against it, or resist this situation of living in All This, being here, apparently being alive just for awhile, knowing death is coming…

…what freedom. How incredible.

Joyful laughter arises. I know nothing.

“It’s good to realize you will die, that death is right there on your shoulder all the time.” ~ Pema Chodron

Love, Grace

June 27, 2013

The Kindness In Not Being Understood

Last week in the One Year of Inquiry group, we looked at the belief “that person should understand me.”

As happens sometimes, I then found myself working with several different people during the week who had this belief, for years, at such a deep, penetrating level that the very thought of letting go of it induced anger and frustration.

That person really should have understood! They should have taken the time to hear me out. They should have understood that I was afraid, sad, distressed, in need.

They should have been compassionate, attendant, forgiving, curious.

The mind can bump up against this belief like a brick wall.

How could it be possible that I would be fabulously OK with that person never, ever, ever understanding me…with that person not caring, listening, opening to me, with that person not even TRYING to understand me?

Without this thought, I would be lost in the void, totally alone, no desire to connect, hopeless, depressed.

I need this thought so that I keep on trying to connect. I need this thought so that I keep on trying to figure out how it went wrong, what went wrong, and how to prevent it from happening again with someone else.

Feeling the grief or depression or hopelessness of not being understood is worse than at least having the hope that they COULD understand, that I can assert myself, I can explain myself better, that I can defend myself, that I have SOME kind of power here.

The fear of being in that hopeless place, where I am not believing the thought that this person should understand me, and they still do not understand and probably will NEVER understand, seems terrible.

Yet, can I absolutely know that it is TRUE that they should understand me? What is happening in reality?

They do not understand.

Is there any inkling of possibility, no matter how small, that this person should not understand, cannot understand, will not understand, and must not understand….for your benefit?

Could there be any advantage, at all, no matter how small and seemingly low an advantage, to their lack of understanding?

I did this work, and then repeated it on the same person several times.

Every time, I had new insight and awareness of the advantages of that person not understanding me.

I don’t have to listen to really long explanations of that person’s family life anymore–she decided I did not understand, so she takes these stories elsewhere
I won’t be invited to a conference I didn’t want to attend anyway, next year
I can talk about meditation with others who like it more
I don’t need to worry about my social inadequacies or low income (by comparison)
she offered me an awesome feeling of my own trustworthiness, integrity, and patience
I won’t find myself in over-priced bars for meeting venues

I realize that after the “misunderstanding” I felt more confident, more free, clearer about my profession and more relaxed in some areas than ever before.

I discover, I actually am open to not knowing all the benefits for me, personally, around this person not understanding me….but trusting that the way it went was a good thing.

When I am believing it’s a terrible, upsetting thing that she or he did not understand me…then I expend TONS of energy fighting for understanding. I talk, plead, explain, justify. I am not silent. I ruminate on the whole relationship and where the misunderstanding occurred over and over again.

When I do not believe that anyone should understand me, my mind is quiet. It has no project. I am in the present moment. I feel rooted, peaceful.

“I questioned my thoughts and my world changed, it put me in a kind universe…and that’s how I decided that the universe is kind. I kept coming back to that kind universe and all of the proof. I couldn’t prove the unkind universe, that’s what keeps mind busy, proving the universe is unkind, that’s the mind’s job; to show us the universe is unkind, but when we begin to question that then all the real evidence is; the world is kind and I invite people to test it.”~ Byron Katie

Perhaps just the right amount of understanding or lack of understanding is happening, at just the right moment, in just the right way…for awareness to blossom, for the mind to end it’s struggle…for my own enlightenment.

“Without opening your door, you can open your heart to the world. Without looking out your window, you can see the essence of the Tao. The more you know, the less you understand. The Master arrives without leaving, sees the light without looking, achieves without doing a thing.” ~ Tao Te Ching #47

Let yourself not know why that relationship went the way it did.

You may feel your heart open to the whole world, with them in it.

Love, Grace

June 26, 2013

They Shouldn’t Be So Sad

One of my favorite quotes is by Ram Dass when he suggests that we can feel blissful on retreat, or in our daily lives and in our practices….but go home for a week and see what happens.

Depression, irritation, anger, sadness! Argh! I thought I was free from all this!

Forms of stress and troubling emotions can sometimes enter the scene within minutes of encountering that person we have lots of memories with, those people who disappointed us, or who are not living their lives as we might have hoped.

We know what that person is like, and it’s downright difficult to be around them!

Even as we knock on the door of their home, or call them, or answer the telephone….we may feel a clench in the gut…ready to brace against that mean, abrasive, complaining, disheartening, unhappy person.

I love when once I realized, that every time I thought about my grandma, who has been dead for almost twenty years now, I saw her face all pinched and angry, her cigarette that was constantly burning, her sad look.

She rarely spoke.

“She shouldn’t have been so sad”.

That is so sad that she was so sad! What a funny thought really…but one I believed since I was a child. Every time I thought of her, I felt a little sad myself.

I wanted to shake my head….oh the waste of a precious life. A hurt, unhappy person, never resolving her life, never finding peace.

I realize how stressful that thought was, throughout my childhood, watching my father (her son) believe the thought, watching him try to help her feel better.

Even now my mind will still make guesses for how much abuse she must have suffered (which I don’t know is true) or how much self-criticism. I never saw her smile!

My mind loves to analyze “now WHY would someone be so sad and quiet, and rarely get up from her chair”.

But as I watch the scenario in my mind, allowing myself to remember very clearly a moment when I saw my sad grandmother in her chair….I realize that I don’t know what is happening in that situation.

I’m not even entirely sure that she IS sad. But even if she is, why is that sad for me?

People around me should be happy. Not sad. IS THAT TRUE?

Yes! It’s so much more fun! It’s easier! I don’t have to think about them! No worries!

Can I absolutely know that it’s true, that people around me should be happy? That my grandma should have been happier in her life? Or that she wasn’t?

No.

The way I react when I see someone and think they are sad, and that this is a sad thing, is that I myself get sad and I want to help them. My throat gets achy, I reach out, I try to make them smile.

There’s all this effort moving towards that person, away from me. As Byron Katie would say, I am in that person’s business, and out of my own business. In other words, I am focused big time on them, not me. And I want them to change.

Whew, it’s a lot of work.

Who would I be without the thought that it’s sad when someone is sad? That people should be happy around me?

For a moment, it may feel heartless. What do you mean, NOT have that thought! I would be careless, disconnected, too detached, selfish, self-centered!

They would suffer even more, I would pay no attention, I wouldn’t CARE, they might even die!

Are you sure?

Turn the thought around: it is NOT sad when that person is sad. People should be sad around me, not happy, if that’s what they are. I myself should not be so sad when that other person I love is sad.

My grandma was just right, perfect the way she was. A human being with an entire life with huge parts in it that I had no idea about. Only a few small pictures in my mind of her really.

As I remember her, I realize that I don’t actually know if she WAS sad all the time in the first place. She lived a long, long life with tons of experiences, perhaps many of them very happy.

I’m not even sure that my dad was upset about my grandma being sad, really, or that it was a bad thing that he felt helpless and unhappy about her predicament.

I realize I know very little….I have simply assumed that the person over there with a sad look, or who is crying, must be consoled and assisted and comforted, or else.

“I’ve heard people say that they cling to their painful thoughts because they’re afraid that without them they wouldn’t be activists for peace. “If I feel peaceful,” they say, “why would I bother taking action at all?” My answer is “Because that’s what love does.” To think that we need sadness or outrage to motivate us to do what’s right is insane. As if the clearer and happier you get, the less kind you become. As if when someone finds freedom, she just sits around all day with drool running down her chin. My experience is the opposite. Love is action.” ~ Byron Katie

I love imagining living the turnaround that my clarity and happiness brings kindness, and the most easy wonderful, loving action with that sad person I know (who, by the way, I am not sure really IS sad anymore).

I don’t have to make special plans for that person, or worry about them, or anxiously hope for their mood to change. I will know what to do, with love.

You will too.

Love, Grace