Author: Grace

Grace Bell is author of Grace Notes and facilitates individuals, groups, retreats and courses in The Work of Byron Katie. She supports people with eating issues, divorce, difficult feelings and relationship trouble to find peace.
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If Only I Wasn’t A Nervous Wreck

Yesterday, I got the privilege of facilitating self-inquiry with someone who was afraid of public speaking.

What a common and excruciatingly stressful human experience.

It doesn’t have to be “public” speaking we’re afraid of….it can be “private” speaking, small group speaking, one-on-one speaking.

Any time we’re afraid of saying what we’re thinking, feeling, suggesting, stating, or even asking for something we want OUT LOUD.

As this sincere and thoughtful person questioned her belief, I remembered all the times I didn’t raise my hand in class, or voice my opinion with a group of friends as we chose a restaurant, or tell the person on a romantic date that I didn’t like the movie choice, or share something in a talking circle.

I sat through an entire feature film of Pink Floyd when I was too young to understand why someone with such a weird name would be playing guitar in the desert.

So what are the most common thoughts about speaking, especially public speaking, where many people might be looking at you and listening all at once?

  • they are judging me
  • I don’t want to be boring, ineffective, slow, confusing
  • I need to keep their attention
  • I need to be funny
  • I want them to be amazed by my wisdom, power, wit, confidence, humor, brilliance
  • they should think I’m awesome, interesting, helpful
  • I should make a difference in their lives!

The image of the Perfect Speaker Me is over there, hovering in the mind in the back of the room….and I’m hoping, waiting, and demanding myself to be like that.

Not like this…..with sweat forming in my arm pits, my stomach slightly nauseated, my voice all jittery, and my heart pounding into my ears.

So on top of what I should look like and offer the audience, I also should NOT feel nervous, anxious, unclear, or mixed up.

But I do feel these things.

I am arguing with what is reality. I am against what happens to be true, in the moment.

Together the inquirer and I investigated the idea that she should be confident, even though she wasn’t.

What do you think YOU should be, that you aren’t?

People seem to think these kinds of thoughts all the time, every single day.

I should be thin, I should be peaceful, I shouldn’t have cravings, I should be happy, I shouldn’t be depressed, I should be joyful, I should be in the now, I should be free, I should be enlightened, I shouldn’t be worried, I should be calm, I shouldn’t be nervous, I should be young, I should be pain-free, I shouldn’t be lonely….

….this can go on forever.

I know when I believe this sort of thinking, I am seeing myself as lacking something, needing an adjustment, needing to “get” something.

I seek for answers, I read, I mull, I gather information.

Who would I be without the thought that I should be confident, or strong, peaceful, or powerful…that I should make a difference to people or be engaging and entertaining and funny?

Who would I be without the thought that I need to stop being so dang nervous?

As I imagine who I would be without the thought that I need to be “x” then I find I find the whole scene pretty funny.

Really? Not thinking I should change? WOW!

You mean, in this particular moment where I am afraid of the audience and nervous as I walk onto stage and sweating as I begin my speech and deliver information….

….that this experience doesn’t need to change, in order for me to be happy?

I would simply notice: woman with beating heart, huge big energy running through the body, seeing the faces all looking this way, seeing the human eyes directed toward me.

Then I would notice that the fluttery excitement changes, and I begin to talk, or whatever happens next.

Even if I am only speaking to one person, and I am afraid to say something to them, without the thought that it could go badly, that they could judge me, that this is a terrible risk….

…..I begin. My voice trembles, feelings course through me, and then they shift.

What are the turnarounds to these ideas I think of as so very stressful about speaking?

  • I am thrilled and grateful for their judgments, and I hope they share them in great detail, so I can know the listeners and improve my message or delivery
  • It’s totally fine to be boring, ineffective, slow, confusing….it helps me learn to develop passion, effectiveness, precision, speed and clarity!
  • I need to keep my own attention
  • I don’t need to be funny (except to myself)
  • I want only to be amazed by their wisdom, power, wit, confidence, humor, brilliance, and enjoy all this in me
  • I should think I’m awesome, interesting, helpful
  • I should make a difference in my own
    life! And the audience should make a difference for me!

“Happiness is the natural state for someone who knows that there’s nothing to know and that we already have everything we need, right here now.” ~ Byron Katie

What would it be like to give a speech, go on stage, bring up that difficult topic…without believing that whatever happened before, during or after the words were spoken, was bad?

“I find that life never falls short and doesn’t require a future. Everything I need is always supplied, and I don’t have to do anything for it. There is nothing more exciting than loving what is.” ~ Byron Katie

Now go out there and speak, or be very quiet, and enjoy yourself!

Love, Grace

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Freedom From Your Own Ideas About Feeling Bad

Not long ago I had a client who said something I’ve heard many times over the years as I’ve worked with people to question their thinking:

“I feel awful. I have a heavy weight of depression, despair, anger, anxiety, unhappiness…… But I have NO IDEA what I’m thinking that would create these terrible feelings.”

This woman went on to say that she had tried The Work but wasn’t sure anything had actually changed for her.

Her mind was so troubled, and she was desperately hoping for a sudden shift, a miraculous change.

I used to think this way when I had extreme eating behavior that didn’t seem to make any sense.

There I would be, living my life…and KABOOM…I would have the thought that eating would be a good idea, even though I wasn’t actually hungry.

Eating would change the channel on my situation, alter the trajectory of feeling. Eating would shake things up or switch the plans for the next couple of hours.

But there was a basic, profoundly unhappy belief that my situation was somewhat dangerous (sometimes it was only a teensy bit alarming, sometimes TERRIBLY worrisome).

This feeling, this moment, this situation is BAD BAD BAD.

It must be stopped. I can’t handle it. I “have to” do something.

When I used to believe this thought, that my current condition was WRONG, BAD, ALARMING, OFF….then guess how I reacted to that belief?

How do you react when you think your condition, your life situation, is BAD? That your feeling is WRONG? That you’re missing something?

How I reacted is I would bring out an army of thoughts AGAINST my condition, my situation.

I’d set to solving the problem I had, my condition, as if someone had a gun to my head saying “figure this out, NOW!”

My mind’s job was to prove that what I was experiencing was indeed horrendous. It would note and summarize all the evidence that my condition was threatening.

I would visit specialists, or read their books. I would be superstitious, I would wish my mind was different than it was, I would have visions and images float through my head of my disruptive childhood or my mean boss….I would think this situation was caused by my parents, my sensitive personality, my speedy mind, my upbringing, my society, genetics, poor nutrition.

When I believed that something was wrong with me, with my situation, with my feeling of despair, then I would feel exhausted with the search for change, with the search to “fix” my predicament.

When I believed something was wrong with me or with my life, or if something scared me…I would eat, eat, eat and it would help temporarily, but then I would hate myself and start the cycle all over.

What a black hole of unhappiness. It felt like death warmed over, as my grandma would say.

Blech.

So who did I become, without the belief that my situation and condition was so horrendously bad?

Because that’s what happened.

I began to question my belief that the dark blob feeling was an enemy.

Who would you be without the thought that your troubling feelings are impossible, that you need a miracle and immediate shift?

Who would you be without the thought that your condition is dire, wrong, alarming, off, BAD?

Without that belief hanging over my head, I began to make friends with my feeling of darkness, depression, death, resistance.

Who would I be without the thought that I am against this kind of feeling? Who would I be without the thought that I must be afraid of this feeling?

“If you think it’s hell and you’re taking the cap off it….let it fly, be a volcano. It couldn’t be worse than what you’ve been living — and if it is, let’s test it.” ~ Byron Katie

Without the belief that having a feeling of fear, or anger, or rage, or despair is something to be avoided at all costs….

….I welcomed the feelings.

I allowed them to be here, generating themselves inside me, however that happened.

I stopped trying to figure out how to get rid of them.

I started seeing what I was thinking, slowing it down, so I could examine the stream of ideas running through my mind.

” ‘I don’t have a belief’ is the first belief.” ~ Byron Katie

The turnaround: this feeling is good, it should stay, I need to keep feeling this way, this is not so horrible, this has a message for me, this is important, my situation is right, helpful, accurate, good, ON. 

Do you really want to snap your fingers and feel lollipops and roses? Are you SURE you don’t ever want to crave something, or feel stress, or discouragement?

“The mark of a moderate man is freedom from his own ideas. Tolerant like the sky, all-pervading like sunlight, firm like a mountain, supple like a tree in the wind, he has no destination in view and makes use of anything life happens to bring his way.” ~ Tao Te Ching #59

Love, Grace

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No Such Thing As More Time

I WANT MORE FREE TIME!

I had this thought the other day as I thought about the stack on my front porch of boxes, knick-knacks, little kid bike, drum set, printers, doodads, books and “stuff” that needs to be sold, or given to charity.

That stuff needs to be gone.

What has to happen for that stuff to be gone? I need time.

I need time….so that I can clean things, continue to go through the shed of stored boxes, take photos of the good stuff, post it on the internet, actually have a “garage sale” (I used to think of these as a huge waste of time considering how much money could be made) and borrow a truck and go to the dump.

I think this would all take about 4 days, working most of the days, to be entirely complete, only stopping for food and water.

I barely have time to hang out with my own family, and they are definitely a priority.

And now that I’m thinking about it, I have quite a list of tasks that I KNOW I want to engage in….all of which take time time time.

I love looking at language about time.

Things “take” time, things “waste” time, things are time “sensitive”, I’m in a time “crunch”, I “spend” time, I’m “losing” time, I have “too much” time on my hands, I “don’t have much” time.

Funny to say all the quantity-amount words about something that is only a concept.

I mean, right now, in this moment, where is time? Do I have a bucket of it? Do I actually have four hours “left” before I teach my next class, and one hour before a client, and eight hours before a hair cut appointment, one month already gone of the gorgeous summer months of the Pacific Northwest?

Lots of measurements, all describing a limit, a known quantity, a set amount of something, a quota.

A beginning, middle and end.

Yeah! And I need MORE of it!

When I believe this thought…it can be supremely stressful.

Here is this thing called “time” and since there’s only so much, I have to go really, really, really FAST when I need more of it.

The body gets all hyped up, zippy, full of adrenaline, pushing, noticing those other “slow” people out there who are hindering my progress.

Have you noticed how your body feels when you are in your car, and you are on your way to something incredibly important?

You turn the car onto the freeway and suddenly, you are in very, very slow-moving almost-standstill traffic….

….you have a job interview, you have gotten a call that your child is at the hospital, you find out your house is on fire, your partner is going on stage in 12 minutes for opening night…

How do you react when you believe that you need more time! NOW!

The wave of tension is like a buzzing accumulation of energy. For me, it feels like some part of my self is out in front of me, my stomach is in knots, my chest can’t breathe, there is tight live-wire electric energy shooting out of my arms.

I’ve seen people yell out of their windows in traffic, or give people the finger or start commenting and talking to other drivers, swearing…angry, furious, frustrated, frightened.

Who would I be without the thought that when I see the pile on the porch, or in ANY situation (the length of my life, to give a deep example) I need more time?

What do I actually need more time FOR?

Can I absolutely know that its true that I should be somewhere other than where I am, in this moment? Is it really true that I need to have that thing completed, that I think needs to be complete?

Am I so certain that as things are right here in this moment…in traffic, walking by the pile of items that I want off the porch, looking at my calendar with appointments scheduled back-to-back, noticing that I’ve lived over fifty years so far in this lifetime…that I actually need more TIME?

No.

Who would I really be, right here in this situation where more time seems desireable, WITHOUT the thought that I need more time?

Without the thought….I feel an empty space, a relaxing space, glow from within. I lean back, I sit back, I breathe deeply.

If I’m in a car, other drivers appear fascinating. I see colors, hear sounds, I look up into the sky. I notice things everywhere all around me.

I feel like laughing. There is a lightness of nothing really mattering.

It doesn’t mean I won’t do anything, in fact it sounds fun to move stuff from porch to other places soon, but it doesn’t really matter exactly when that happens.

My to-do list looks much more fun.

I notice I love working with clients…my favorite. I love teaching. I love being alive. I love doing inquiry. I love watching, looking, investigating reality.

I am amazed by the world moving before me, an epic movie of amazing proportions.

“Time isn’t precious at all, because it is an illusion. What you perceive as precious is not time but the one point that is out of time: the Now. That is precious indeed. The more you are focused on time–past and future–the more you miss the Now, the most precious thing there is.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

If I don’t make it to the hospital bedside on time, if I don’t make it to the applause opening moment of the Big Show, if I’m late to the interview, if I walk in to a meeting that already began, if the pile of stuff is on the porch for “x” days….how would I know that isn’t perfect?

Can I be open to finding advantages, benefits, sweetness…for things happening in just the order they’ve happened?

What if there is always enough time?

Perhaps the more I stop believing that I need more time, the more joy I experience in this present moment….the more of the most important things will get “done” when they get done, and this body will move from Point A to Point B in just the right timing and order.

Even dying right on time.

“Patience is the training in abiding with the restlessness of our energy and letting things evolve at their own speed”….”In truth, there is enormous space in which to live our everyday lives.” ~ Pema Chodron

Love, Grace

  • Our Wonderful Sexuality: A Safe Place For Inquiry on Painful Thoughts About Sexuality. Mondays, October 21-December 9, 2013 8-9:30 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. Register Here.
  • Mini Retreats Seattle. Saturdays 1:30-5:30 pm. 2013: 8/10, 10/19, 11/30, 1:30-5:30 pm. 2014 Mini Retreats: 1/18, 3/8, 5/3, 10/11, 12/6/14. 4 CEUs can be earned. Goldilocks Cottage. $70 includes intensive, handouts, tea and snacks, $55 repeater rate.  Click here to register for mini-retreats
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  • Horrible Food Wonderful Food Weekend! Seattle, December 14-15, 2013 10 am – 9 pm Sat and 10 am – 5 pm Sun. Stay tuned for details coming soon.
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At Peace Filling Out Forms

Last night I was sitting at my desk in my quiet little living room (the same place I hold workshops) and had the plan to “quickly” look up an old email to find a contact name, so I could print something out.

That was going to happen…”quickly”.

Before dusk, so that I could have a nice late summer evening walk with my sweetie to the local store before it closed.

I inadvertently landed, for some odd reason, with an email at the top of my search list that had nothing to do with what I was originally searching for….

….however, the email was a short administrative email about a PIN number for my son’s college financial aid application.

Just glancing at this email, which I have no idea why it was at the top of the list, I suddenly had the thought “hmmmm, I wonder if his financial aid application got filed?”

Now, I am someone who usually files things like taxes, paperwork, administrative-ish items long before their deadlines. I remember the social security numbers of my kids without even trying to memorize them. I have no idea why.

In other ways, I’m a complete space cadet. Like major appointments completely forgotten, or on wrong day.

So I clicked on that email immediately, as I got the gut feeling that I better check in on this issue.

Sure enough…once logging in to the correct government account, very official-official looking, I discovered NO FORM FILED.

Taxes were filed early, just so this form could be completed early, so that my son would get first-round financial analysis attention for his sophomore year college tuition.

About an hour later, I pushed “submit” on the form and it was officially filed….about five months “late”.

The funny part (it’s quite funny to me now, the next day) is that on the walk to the store, which was well past dusk by that time, I started thinking things like this:

  • what if my son can’t go to college in the fall?
  • aren’t “they” (whoever “they” are) wondering at the university why his form isn’t in?
  • was someone supposed to notify us?
  • what is WRONG with me?
  • why do I have to include my new husband’s income, when he’s not my son’s father?
  • I’ll be in debt trying to pay college tuition!
  • he’ll have to work instead of go to school!
  • this ruined my evening
  • I’m a terrible mother!

I have no evidence of any of this occurring, or even being likely to occur, or any of it being true. In fact, I’m quite certain that at least for this next year, there will be no interruption in my son’s college career based on this late form.

But it’s like I was all the way to “he’ll get kicked out of university!” without thinking clearly.

It reminded me that feeling afraid, a little nervous, surprised, stressed…can lead to totally UNclear thinking.

Extreme thinking.

WHAT-IF thinking.

So I asked myself…that form should have been submitted in February…is that true?

Ha! No. Apparently, not at all. Because it was submitted yesterday. Reality = form got completed and sent in JULY.

I love the way the mind will say that something should go backwards in time and happen differently in the past, even though the past is completely over and now we are here in the present.

As if.

Who would I be without the thought that paperwork should have been done earlier, sooner, differently?

Without the thought that this is “bad”, that I am a forgetful or too non-detailed mom, that I should have paid more attention, that my son’s life will change forever because of the date on this form?

Good lord, so much more fun, so much lighter.

I would realize I have no idea, at all, what this means for the outcome. I would notice that it was magical that the email search revealed that particular old email, and *ping* it dawned on me to notice.

I would be excited about NOT apparently needing to remember, because somehow the form link popped up in my computer through other weird coincidences.

This has happened many times since questioning my thoughts about needing to remember EVERYTHING…coincidences, lightness, no need for lists, planning, or making sure things are scheduled and handled all the time (not that those are bad things, just not so critical).

“If powerful men and women could remain centered in the Tao, all things would be in harmony. The world would become a paradise. All people would be at peace, and the law would be written in their hearts. When you have names and forms, know that they are provisional. When you have institutions, know where their functions should end. Knowing when to stop, you can avoid any danger. All things end in the Tao as rivers flow to the sea.”~ Tao Te Ching #32

I remember today, looking with curiosity and inquiry that this form paperwork thing is provisional, that it has a function and it will end, and activity will happen or not, and life is quite fabulous whether there is college, or no college, or applications completed or not completed, acceptance occurs or does not occur.

Perhaps if the lack of the existence of the form leads to something entirely different happening…that direction will be amazing. Who knows?

Every step flowing to the sea, always.

Love, Grace

P.S. To comment on this post, click HERE. I love responding!

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Question Authority, Get A Kinder Reality

This month the One Year Group that began in June together to practice self-inquiry for a whole year began our second month’s module…on Authority.

Authority brings up all kinds of images and ideas for people….and the key here with self-inquiry is to look at what is stressful.

The immediate image that popped in my head when considering my latest mental forays with “authority” was the bumper sticker QUESTION AUTHORITY.

I saw it when I was a teenager in the 1970s.

There seemed to be something exciting about the idea of questioning authority (whatever it was) but also a little frightening.

The dictionary defines authority in several ways as having the power to do something: make a final decision, to enforce laws, exact obedience, judge or command other people.

Benjamin Franklin is famous for saying “It is the first responsibility of every citizen to question authority”.  

 So there was our Inquiry Group, ready to share their situations of objecting to those authority figures in their lives….OR…those people who might be pushing against our authority (like in parenting).

I love what came forward: bosses, fathers, doctors, government departments, teenagers, head-of-committees, volunteer managers.

 Those dastardly people who are making us do something! So bossy! Or neglectful! So sharp, humorless, critical, or non-communicative!

 Not long ago, I entered a facility where I was facilitating a dance class. I had rented the dance studio, and been there many times before at the exact same time on the exact same day.

There was a completely different person behind the front desk, with a frown on her face as we approached.

“Who are you? I do not have a record of your reservation. I cannot take responsibility for your being here. I will have to make some calls. I cannot take responsibility for this if I don’t know what’s going on. Please wait outside. I am responsible for the center this morning. You can have your dance group, but the door into the building will need to remain locked.”

Her hand went up in the STOP gesture.

She looked really nervous and my mind immediately went to these kinds of thoughts:

  • she is so dang uptight!
  • she should relax, we’re OBVIOUSLY not trying to fake-rent this place
  • she should STOP REPEATING herself
  • if she says that she is responsible one more time, I will scream
  • who put this nervous ninny in authority here?
  • this should not be happening
  • she’s making us wait, and keep the door locked??!! How will people attending our dance get in fer cryin’ out loud?!

It was like a sensation in my body of being totally against this other human rose within 5 seconds. Her manner somehow hit the right buttons, inside me.

Sigh.

It is strange….the urge to defend, hit back, blast through the irritant, and consider an encounter a pain-in-the-butt.

It is not peaceful.

The part of me watching all this, the Observer who actually is entirely able to see and hear with non-freaked-out eyes and ears, said…in its usual, calm way “careful there… temper… temper.”

There were other people there with me, including my incredibly calm husband, and he began to interact with her.

I hung back, watching and nervous. It was bizarre how strong the energy was inside my body to say…um, er, I mean SCREAM…“Are you kidding me??!!”

I zipped it, took a deep breath, and allowed the other more friendly people around me to handle the “authority” figure in this situation.

Later, on the dance floor, as I moved and danced to fantastic music that seemed to fit my mood, I noticed the questioning mind, the observer, began to have a little more say about the situation.

Who would I be without the thought that she was wrong, she had made us wait, she was controlling us, or that she should have stopped talking and unlocked the door?

Even now, who am I without the thought that she was trying to manage, force, push, or hinder us in some way?

I saw her face in my mind, so worried, trying very hard to make sure all was well.

By the end of the dance, as I had looked, I realized this was a situation that was perfect for inquiry.

Even though my sensation of irritation had shifted, I hadn’t actually written anything down or worked through the concepts slowly, looking as I went at all my assumptions.

I definitely wasn’t bothered anymore, because all had gone well (I got what I wanted) and after fifteen minutes of waiting…she had opened the door and we had run our dance in the beautiful studio, just like always.

So even though I was much less upset…I wrote. I noticed that I still believed she shouldn’t have been so FREAKED OUT!

“Who would I be without the thought that the woman behind the desk had been too uptight, scared, freaked out, nervous?”

What if she was just right, the way she was? What if it made sense that she was so concerned? What if she was really caring for this facility, taking her job very seriously? What if having a little humor wasn’t accessible to her, because she was too afraid? What if she doesn’t like surprises?

Oh. That’s how I am….I sometimes don’t like big surprises. Actually, come to think of it…that’s how I was myself, right in that same situation!

Who was so uptight in that situation?

That would be ME.

If I think she shouldn’t be nervous, maybe I could try doing what I’m telling her to do! Ha!

  • I am so dang uptight! About that woman! And about the “emergency” of potentially not having a studio and having to cancel dance.
  • I should relax, I know we have rented this place but she doesn’t
  • I should stop repeating myself, saying internally how this shouldn’t be happening
  • if I tell myself that I am responsible (to all the people who are coming to dance)…
  • who put this nervous ninny in authority here? The nervous ninny being MOI.
  • this should be happening, because it is, and actually…its fine
  • she barely made us wait, and even though the door was locked, we were allowed to let people in, and the dance played on

“If you meet a person who’s rude to you, for example, your thoughts automatically are, ‘You shouldn’t behave like that!’ But of course, these thoughts conflict with reality, because the person is behaving like that.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

I know that when I argue with what is happening, when I am against it, then I lose the battle.

For me, in this situation, it was wonderful to question authority…to soften, relax, trust the way things unfolded, notice that was very smooth.

Perhaps even if that woman had bolted the doors, shut us out, and we were not able to have dance that morning…that still would have been most interesting, and just what the doctor ordered for greater clarity, ease, and happiness.

Actually, we had been meaning to take a look at other rental venues, less expensive ones, with better sound systems.

Funny how that works…

“Reality is always kinder than the story we tell about it.” ~ Byron Katie

Love,  Grace

P.S. To comment on this post, click HERE. I love responding!

P.P.S. The second group of Inquirers in a One Year Program will start together on Thursdays, September 5, 2013 5:15-6:45 pm. For all the wonderful information about the One Year Program, click HERE.

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Question Your Love Story, Discover Stillness

I was having a gentle walk last weekend in the sunny afternoon, green summer leaves swishing above, when I passed an outdoor cafe and suddenly a huge rush of adrenaline zapped through me, like a lazer beam of energy aimed for the heart.

I thought I saw an old boyfriend, sitting in a chair, facing away from me. The hair was almost exactly the same. I had to stare as I walked by, checking to see “is that him?”

Now why the heck did that produce a shot of adrenaline like I saw a house explode into fire all of the sudden?

I mean really, I thought (as I felt my facing heart slowing down).

Isn’t this a bit dramatic of a reaction?

But sometimes… BAM…there is a cascade of beliefs all at once, all stuck to each other like velcro, that show up and it only takes the mind 2 seconds to compute and execute.

RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!

Oh. Not him. Wow, that really looked like him. (Turn back and check again). No, definitely not him. What would he be doing up here? But it’s not him. So that wouldn’t happen. Not him.

And then the next ten minutes were spent remembering, seeing images zip through the mind.

It’s like the Mind is dressed up in a business suit, with a huge deck of cards. On each card is a moving picture (idea stolen from Harry Potter stories) with moments from MY LIFE.

This corporate-looking business man (the mind thinks of itself with such importance doesn’t it?) is throwing down one card after the next after the next, saying “here, remember THAT moment? what about this one? oooh, that was a particularly gruelling moment, oh and that one was pretty good, and this one was absolutely horrendous, oh, and when he said that…”

All with that person!

Who wasn’t even actually here.

Talk about stories. JEEZ!

Now, before inquiry, I would have made a lot of effort to forget about that guy. Or say something under my breath like “wanka!”

And I might feel slightly anxious off and on for the rest of the day, or look over my shoulder sometimes.

Maybe I’d even think about doing something comforting, like eating ice cream or drinking a beer (as if those worked).

The thing that’s wonderful about self-inquiry is maybe escapist thoughts still pass through my mind, but they don’t feel very serious.

The more interesting thoughts are the ones that created the fear energy through the system. I love finding out what those are, writing them down, using this as an educational, adventurous moment.

Let’s see, if I really let it rip, childish, petty, judgmental, honest….this is what my thinking looked like, slowed way down into a list:

  • he hates me
  • he wants to hurt me
  • he was hurt by ME
  • he didn’t understand me
  • he thought I was mean, judgmental, critical and closed
  • he was lying, selfish, weak, rude
  • connecting him was not, is not, and will not be safe

I had to chuckle when I asked myself “what’s the worst that could happen?”

I had the image of this old boyfriend jumping up and screaming and running after me down the street yelling “you witch! get away from me! you ruined my life!”

Did I mention that the mind can be a real Drama Queen?

So if that DID happen….would it really be unmanageable, horrible, unsafe?

Am I SURE he wants to hurt me, he was hurt by me, he hates me, and he thinks of me as a terrible person?

No. Not at all.

I turn these thoughts around and find my own very stressful thoughts….about ME…are the ones that really hurt.

  • I hated myself (in the way I was with him)—true, I was dishonest, nervous, and always worried about his feelings and not mine
  • I wanted to hurt him, I wanted to hurt myself—both true, I felt defensive, I attacked, I was always looking at the world like it wasn’t good enough, and neither was I
  • he was healed by me, I was healed by him—could be just as possible, there was a lot of love expressed between us
  • he did understand me, I didn’t understand myself—both true
  • I thought of myself as mean, judgmental, critical and closed—that’s for sure! And yes, he also thought of me as kind, accepting, discerning and open
  • I was totally lying, selfish, weak and rude—um, yeah, that was true. And, he told the truth, was generous, strong and nice.
  • connecting with him was completely safe, is currently safe (in this moment of thinking about him even) and will always be safe in the future—yes, true.

I realize there is nothing dangerous in the memories, the feelings that welled up, the images that passed through my mind, the story.

It’s just a story.

“Hurt feelings or discomfort of any kind cannot be cause by another person. No one outside me can hurt me. That’s not a possibility. It’s only when I believe a stressful thought that I get hurt. And I’m the one who’s hurting me by believing what I think. This is very good news, because it means that I don’t have to get someone else to stop hurting me. I’m the one who can stop hurting me. It’s within my power.” ~ Byron Katie 

Later, after inquiring and looking and wondering….I notice I feel much calmer, more neutral when I think of that man.

I think of him as a character in a great and profound epic story…he actually had a pretty dang short part, truth be told. But an important one.

“For love to flourish, the light of your presence needs to be strong enough so that you no longer get taken over by the thinker or the pain-body and mistake them for who you are. To know yourself as the Being underneath the thinker, the stillness underneath the mental noise, the love and joy underneath the pain, is freedom, salvation, enlightenment.” ~ Eckhart Tolle 

Love flourishes with every moment, whether another human is here, or not here, or memories are present, or not present, whether I am “with” a person or not “with” a person….all shining under the story.

Who would you be without your former love story?

Love, Grace

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You Have Your Own Tuning Fork

This past week the Horrible Food Wonderful Food teleclass group questioned the belief that people should not be confusing.

I was struck by the way we moved from stressful beliefs about food and eating, our bodies and our relationship to food….into this thought about a human in our lives, from whom we want clarity.

But instead this person is offering confusion!

Often, this feeling permeates many peoples’ childhood.

I want clarity! I need to know! This needs to make sense! I don’t get this, and I don’t get what that confusing person is talking about!

Arrrrgggghhhhh!!!!

When it comes to trouble with food, or any compulsive feeling, there appears to be a lot of confusion present.

  • I want to eat, but I’m not hungry
  • I want to be calm, but I’m very stressed
  • I want to be close to that person I love/admire, but I don’t understand what they want or need
  • I want to be thin, but I keep eating and eating
  • I need to know what’s going on with All This, but I don’t seem to be able to truly understand
  • I feel bad, confused, lost, sad…and I don’t know why
  • other happy people are confusing

I loved thinking about this idea of confusion being painful this week, and my relationship to confusion.

When I was 18 ready to move to college, I felt very confused about my desire to eat and eat and overeat and binge and stuff food into my mouth.

It was entirely separate from normal hunger, it was a weird trance-like state of being compelled to do it, like I couldn’t help it.

Something was triggering this behavior, and I was VERY confused about what. I had no reference for even how to figure it out…I didn’t know about the inner life of emotions and reactions and beliefs.

Fortunately, I became equally as compelled to understand myself and my behavior.

I also knew that I had whatever it took to find peace. I knew I was born a whole human being, with the capacity to heal and move through life, just like anyone else.

But how did those other people make it look so easy?

I explored, went to lectures, seminars, retreats, therapy, and read many incredible books.

Every single one helped. Every one.

They all offered a little insight, a little spark of learning, a brand new idea, another way of seeing things, an alternate position.

And then one day, not very long into my journey (I was only about 22) I was sitting with a very interesting therapist.

This man said to me, after I explained that I was really a huge mess, and full of suffering, and had had these bulimic episodes of outrageous binge-eating…

….”well, in the Roman Times, you might have been considered normal, part of the crowd. I hear they had feasts and vomited afterwards.”

He wasn’t making fun of me. He had very gentle eyes and a kind face, and many books about eating issues on his shelves, and depression and the human condition.

I remember thinking later, on my quiet walk home, that maybe I wasn’t so weird.

Maybe there were more factors present here that I thought….maybe there was society, and my family, and me….all coming together to create this experience that looked like this terrible relationship with food.

Maybe there was a way out of this confusion. Maybe there was an explanation. Maybe I might find out where the misunderstanding originated.

I knew at that time, so young in life really, that it might not be so terrible and horrendous that I was confused.

Life was complicated, life was full of opposing beliefs, a vast collection of experiences, and big feelings.

Just thinking at that time, even before I ever knew about The Work, I was inquiring.

Instead of feeling completely and fundamentally overwhelmed and wrong and like there was no way out, no answers, no hope….I felt like there was.

Even though it took me many more years of exploration, failure, worry, doubt, success, comfort, learning, understanding….and I still am on the journey….I knew I wasn’t the special weirdo who was uniquely lost beyond hope.

“The education you need is within you. How can what is already within you be taught? It can only be realized. If you’re willing to go inside and wait for the truth, your inborn wisdom meets the questions, and the answer rings true as if it were a tuning fork inside your own being.”~ Byron Katie

I knew even as I felt insane with the pain of my relationship with eating that I was not born missing something.

That’s all I needed to know. I knew that was true.

You aren’t missing anything either.

Love, Grace

P.S. On Friday, September 13th I’ll be making available, after three years of working on it, an ebook on how to move from having a violent relationship with food, to having a friendly one….by doing nothing but examining and questioning your thinking. So exciting! I thought I’d tell you now.

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That Untrustworthy Person Healed Me

This week one of the wonderful inquirers I got to work with had a problem: an untrustworthy person in her life. 

That person seemed to be tricky. The identified party, the one who couldn’t be trusted, could apparently make the wrong move at any moment.

He withheld information, he had lied to other people, he had suspicious activity going on his cell phone…..texts and various conversations. Maybe ulterior motives. Something untoward.

All kinds of images came to the inquirer’s mind when she thought about this man.

She was deep into the thought that this person needed to change their behavior, become trustworthy.

And even if this happened and there was a big shift in what appeared to be sneaky moves…she wouldn’t relax until this man (a former employee) demonstrated “normal” or easy-going behavior. Not until there was a long space of time when he “proved” he wouldn’t do or say anything threatening.

This inquirer found a lot of stress present when she thought about this man. It was a pretty nervous way to be. Sort of waiting for a shoe to drop. Watching like a hawk, ready for the error, the mistake, the surprise back-stab.

This state of mind is what horror movies are made for! Anticipation! WHAT-IF….(!)

Often, this stressful state of anxiety in the mind only comes after something uncomfortable happened in the past…and the mind will come up with all kinds of ways to make sure it never happens again.

That painful situation must be prevented.

I could get hurt.

One of the most interesting ways to investigate the pain when someone in the present could potentially cause trouble….is to go back to the original situation where something difficult happened, something that was threatening, sad, shocking, scary.

Imagine that original terrible moment with full force, like you’re in a 3D movie, replaying the “worst” three minutes of the event.

In the inquiry process this week, this woman who was feeling scared and angry about her former employee’s presence called up the scene of the “crime” in the past.

I remembered my own past scene, a fearful memory where I was reading a letter, and discovered that someone I loved very much had been involved in activities I had no idea of, until that moment of reading the letter…and the activities appeared to involve quite a substantial and strange betrayal, involving me.

I had done The Work and questioned my thoughts about this moment already in the past, in fact several worksheets over time.

But I got to revisit the situation again, as I facilitated this wonderful inquirer on her own situation.

A core underlying belief that rose to the surface:

“I was very hurt….and I could get hurt again.”

Is that true?

YES! It was AWFUL when that happened! I NEVER want to go through that again! It was sooooo terrifying!

I lost a friend, I lost my innocence, I lost trust, it made me nauseated, I couldn’t sleep. That person was in danger, I was in danger, it was sick.

The inquirer found that when she believed this thought, she felt practically the same stress level as in the original situation. She had images flash through her mind of the events, the person doing and saying what they said. Her whole body reacted with panic, then anger.

A big stressful traumatic situation can be difficult to see without the thought that you were hurt, and you could get hurt again.

Without believing that you were hurt? How could that be? It seems like I was HURT!

One of my favorite ways of entering this question is to imagine if the entire scene was on pause, and I could walk around the scene looking at it from every angle, looking at the faces of everyone involved.

Or imagining myself to be dropped into that terrible scene from another planet, where they don’t believe in reviewing over and over again how hurt you were, or that you WERE hurt permanently.

Who would you be if you didn’t think that thought? If you didn’t believe what you’re believing? if you couldn’t think that you were hurt and that you could get hurt again?

This is NOT about pretending that you were not physically hurt or that something very critical and serious happened. It is not denial. The event happened.

But are you sure it could be repeated, in a similar way? Are you sure you were so hurt that you are not capable of having joy, love and kindness in your own life?

Are you sure you are not safe?

Who would I be in this moment, right now, without the thought that I couldn’t take that terrible scene ever happening again, that I couldn’t handle it, that I must brace against it ever repeating itself? Who would I be without the idea that this person means TROUBLE?

I’d notice that I am very safe and supported right now.

I am sitting on a chair, which is being supported by a floor, which is being supported by walls and a foundation, which is being supported by the earth.

Without the thought, I notice that I healed. I only lost two nights of sleep. I learned a HUMONGOUS TON from that experience. I see my own part, the times I didn’t say “no”, the insecurity I felt, the judgments I had towards that person before the difficult situation ever even happened.

Without the thought that I was permanently hurt and must make sure it doesn’t happen again, I start to remember what incredible things came out of that experience.

The inquirer working with me could see how her past difficult event led to her getting management training, and learning about legal matters with restraining orders, and noticing how powerful she was and what a great leader, and that she was open to the world with detachment and appreciation.

As the inquirer did The Work, she moved naturally into the turnaround: I was not hurt, I was healed….and I could heal again.

In that situation she could see how she evolved into a new, more powerful version of herself.

It may even have been one of the most important experiences, she confessed, to move her into a new way of being, bringing out her courage and confidence.

I was reminded through the inquiry that nothing is 100% disaster. Something comes out of everything that speaks of love.

“If you don’t realize the source, you stumble in confusion and sorrow. When you realize where you come from, you naturally become tolerant, disinterested, amused, kindhearted as a grandmother, dignified as a king. Immersed in the wonder of the Tao, you can deal with whatever life brings you, and when death comes, you are ready.” ~ Tao Te Ching #16 

Love, Grace

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Fear of Saying No

Several years ago, one of my daughter’s friends was staying with us for the weekend. They were excited for a double-night slumber party, and had many plans.

I thought they were very cute, collecting music and working out a project of some sort around preparing a dance number that would include the trampoline.

My daughter had made a list of what she wanted our family to have for dinner on one of the nights, and I had happily purchased all the groceries and a few treats.

During the second day, the two preteen girls came rushing into the house from playing outside, and the friend said “can we please have $20? We need to go to the store.”

I was so surprised by the question, I went mute and fumbled around.

“Uh…what for?”

“We’re getting a video, and we have some candy we want to buy, and we might want to buy some art supplies.”

I still said just about nothing. “Uh….uh….No, not right now.”

What the heck was going on?! I did NOT want to give them $20 to go shopping. It was a clear “no” inside.

About an hour later, I was talking to an old friend in another state far away, and I told her that this guest/friend of my daughter’s had just asked for $20, and my friend said “OMG, I absolutely cannot believe she asked you for money, that is appalling, how RUDE!”

I love that my friend had such a major reaction herself, just hearing about the request…because it helped me get a handle on why I was reacting with paralysis.

Now, I knew this girl was not rude. I knew she had no intention of being rude, or outrageous.

But I was so surprised, because it is social convention NOT to ask for money from friends, from other peoples’ parents, from your neighbors, even from people on the street.

It’s like…weird. If you ask for money (at least this was my story) then you were really down and out, it was embarrassing, it was awkward. Only desperate people ask for money.

Hadn’t this kid learned that yet?

Saying “no” to someone’s request seems very simple. Very straightforward. The sound is short, the word is quick. It’s even the same in many languages.

And yet…it will cause all sorts of thinking and mental energy to kick in…sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly.

It all depends on what you think it may mean for you or for the other person AFTER you say “no”.

Even if you can’t anticipate their reaction, you may suddenly see they have a BAD or uncomfortable reaction when you say “no”, and BOOM, you may start feeling nervous.

So there I was with a twelve year old asking her what the money was going to be for that she wanted, when I actually didn’t care what she thought the money was going to be for.

The answer was “no”. Simple. I could have also said “don’t ask me for money, I don’t like it.”

But I decided to investigate my thinking. I have noticed some very similar responses to other questions, where I also had the answer “no” inside me, but hesitated or was surprised, or became anxious.

What was that?

She shouldn’t ask me for money, because WHY?

  • when I say “no” they may think of me as selfish or self-centered
  • their feelings will be hurt
  • they will get angry, upset, sad, disappointed
  • they will compare me to other people who say “yes” and think THOSE people are better
  • they will dismiss me, leave me, slink away from me
  • they will think I’m arrogant, close-minded, cheap

I realized, once again, that I believed this person shouldn’t even ask in the first place, because then I wouldn’t have to give my genuine answer and have them get all pissed off or disappointed.

I was avoiding conflict by not answering. I was avoiding responsibility.

In a twisty-turning way, I believed THEY should not even ask, so that I would not have to answer, so that they would not have to receive the answer, so that I would not be uncomfortable or unsafe when they reacted to the answer.

Gawd, so complicated.

Who would I be without the thought that I have to protect myself from other peoples’ feelings and reactions, or that I am the CAUSE of their discomfort?

Who would I be without the thought that there is something unsafe about speaking whatever is true for me in the moment?

The fairy tale Snow White and The Seven Dwarves is a great demonstration of this moment of “the ask”…

…the powerful queen asks the mirror “who’s the fairest of them all?” and when the mirror answers honestly that it’s someone else, the queen has a major hissy fit and wants to kill, kill, kill.

She didn’t like the answer she received, and things became dangerous.

But really, without the thought that I can anticipate the reaction, that I need to be gentle, that I might get a bad reaction, that I shouldn’t be too blunt, that I need to soften the truth, that I need to let someone down slowly, that I need to go easy on someone, that I need to be careful…

…I say no. No thank you. Thanks, but no. I hear you’d like a “yes” but the answer is “no”. That won’t work for me. Nope, not interested. No, I don’t want to go out with you. No, that movie does not appeal. No, I haven’t enjoyed that restaurant in the past. No, I prefer to stay home. No, I don’t want to talk. No, I’d rather not. No, I’m not really drawn. No, and I can see you’re upset, but the answer is “no”.

There really isn’t much agonizing over any of it. I’m not saying “no” with feeling of having to build up a force inside, or a wall, or a defense, or like I’m getting ready to face big consequences, like I have to stand up for myself and FIGHT!

It’s simple, open, empty. The answer happens to be “no”. No offense, no resistance.

I smile and say “no”, it makes me feel happy, kind to myself, uncomplicated. Like I can trust myself to be here for me.

What if saying no became the opposite of what I learned, what I believed before?

  • when I say “no” they may think of me as wise and clear
  • their feelings will be peaceful, my feelings will be peaceful
  • they will get excited, clear, happy, accepting (me too)
  • they will or will not compare me, and it will be fine whatever happens
  • they will dismiss me, leave me, slink away from me—no problem!
  • they will think I’m strong, capable, open-minded, unattached, without need

“My lover is the place inside me where an honest yes and no come from. To tell you Yes when my integrity says No is to divorce that partner.” ~ Byron Katie

I love that I am always here with me, being my absolute best friend, my most loyal lover, my favorite partner (my only partner, actually).

I really do know the answer to anything asked of me in any given moment. I can feel what’s true and what’s not. The integrity of it is loud and clear.

Following that personal answer is the greatest freedom. So sweet, so exciting, so trusting.

“If you want to know me, look inside your heart.” ~ Tao Te Ching #70 

Love, Grace

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Asking Is Fun When You Don’t Expect Anything

I could take one last person in the Money Beliefs class that starts tonight….write grace@workwithgrace.com if you’re interested. We meet on the phone or skype 5:15-6:45 pm Pacific Time for 8 weeks.

We’ll question painful concepts about money and what we do with it…work, business, buying, spending, wealth, poverty, needing, marketing.

And speaking of marketing….

Wait! Before you think that “marketing” doesn’t apply to you in any way, shape, or form because you’re not someone in business…

….I’ve had an incredible time inquiring into my thoughts about marketing (making announcements, making an offer) and absolutely everything that I think it means when someone else is doing it, or when I myself am doing it.

Asking for something we want, or saying no, or negotiating a trade is more common than you may think, off the top of your head.

What I mean by marketing in this context is that fascinating space of being in this world, apparently in a body, and being sparked to make trades….to ask someone for something, to respond to someone who is asking you for something, to have expectations, to have something satisfied, to offer something, to make an exchange.

A trade in the most broad sense of the word….I give you this, you give me that.

If it’s a good trade, we are both happy and more excited than we were before (that’s the goal at least, so we think).

But oh boy, when the trade is NOT so good…it can really hurt….if you’re believing your stressful thoughts.

This arena of making a trade is the action connected to acquiring something…..anything.

For example, I feel hungry, I go to the market and buy some food, taking money with me to trade for it.

These kinds of trades are fairly simple (although they do raise some really interesting stressful thoughts inside people sometimes)….and they often have to do directly with money being moved from one person to another, in exchange for a service or a thing.

But there are also fascinating parts of all these trades that are made around emotional contact between people.

  • I give you attention, emotional support, appreciation….you give me encouragement, a place to live, and love.
  • He gives her entertainment, fancy clothes, exotic and expensive experiences…she gives him physical touch, taking care of his physical environment, house cleaning.
  • She gives her parents company, conversation, respect…they give their daughter success pep talks, college tuition, encouragement.
  • She gives him hope, acceptance, freedom from loneliness, witty jokes….he gives her praise, adoration, gifts.
  • He gives his friend fun, playfulness, intimacy….the friend gives him availability, empathy, an easy-going “yes” to all his ideas.
  • I do good deeds and behave well and kindly….God gives me favorable circumstances in life.

You may have noticed by now that these trades, while constantly occurring between people, are a bit tricky.

And kind of gross if their spiked with neediness, desperation, volatility, or intense expectation.

There is no peace in some of these trades. People feel trapped in the deal. Unable to move on, unable to enjoy staying.

They’re getting what they want sort of, they’re trading what they’re willing to trade, sort of.

When stress arises in your beliefs about what you give and what you receive between YOU and SOMEONE ELSE, and something is off for you (or the other person) then it is a great time to look at what that other person is offering that bugs you, or what you think you are offering that has a cost, and investigate:

  • he should pay the bills, since I give so much love
  • she should be supportive of my new career
  • he should stop promoting himself, I already said NO
  • she should not have gotten angry when I made a request
  • my encouragement should help him change
  • they expect too much of me
  • I need her to be solvent so I can feel secure
  • I can’t change my mind because I made a vow
  • if I stop giving *approval, appreciation, attention* then I’ll be out on the street, and my situation will be worse
  • I must be doing something wrong

Holy Moly…its amazing how many of us humans will stick with a deal we’ve got going because if we protest or say we don’t want to make that deal anymore….we’ll be criticized, guilty, banished, regretful, alone.

I see how I’ve reacted when I think I’ve done my part, I believe that other person should do their part….and they don’t. Or vice versa.

Outrage! Fear! Confusion! Disappointment! Tired.

This whole trade would be waaaaaaay better if that person did a better job at their part.

Or maybe its me, and I should be doing a better job at my part.

“We always want someone else to change so that we will feel good. But has it ever struck you that even if your wife changes or your husband changes, what does that do to you? You’re just as vulnerable as before; you’re just as idiotic as before; you’re just as asleep as before. You are the one who needs to change, who needs to take medicine.” ~ Anthony De Mello

Making trades are natural to humans, and can be really fun.

And when they are not fun, it may be time to do The Work and find out what you’re expecting from that other person, what you think you’ll lose if you stop making a trade with them.

It may be time to see what you’re believing about Reality, what you think it should be giving you that it’s not giving you.

Or maybe how you think you should improve, that you should become a better person so that life will work better.

I look at the turnarounds to all I have believed, as I question my assumptions:

  • I should pay the bills, and give love to myself
  • I should be supportive of my new career
  • he should promote himself as long as he does, I can give a truly loving and simple no and it can be heard
  • I should not have gotten angry when she made a request
  • my encouragement should help me change
  • they expect just the right amount from me
  • I need me to be solvent so I can feel secure
  • I can change my mind, my vow is to peace
  • if I stop giving *approval, appreciation, attention* then my situation will be better
  • I must be doing something right

“How do you react when you think you need people’s love? Do you become a slave for their approval? Do you live an inauthentic life because you can’t bear the thought that they might disapprove of you? Do you try to figure out how they would like you to be, and then try to become that, like a chameleon? In fact, you never really get their love. You turn into someone you aren’t, and then when they say ‘I love you,’ you can’t believe it, because they’re loving a facade.” ~ Byron Katie

As I do The Work over time, and question expectations, what I think others should give, what I think I should give them, what happens when I announce or ask for something, what I believe would be best….

….the world becomes so much lighter, relationships easier and easier, the future less and less important.

Asking, receiving, attracting, offering, creating, trading….everything becomes easier, and tons more fun, in the present moment.

“The Master’s power is like this. He lets all things come and go effortlessly, without desire. He never expects results; thus he is never disappointed. He is never disappointed; thus his spirit never grows old.” ~ Tao Te Ching #55

Love, Grace