Grace – Page 148 – The Work of Byron Katie with Grace

July 18, 2013

At Peace Filling Out Forms

Last night I was sitting at my desk in my quiet little living room (the same place I hold workshops) and had the plan to “quickly” look up an old email to find a contact name, so I could print something out.

That was going to happen…”quickly”.

Before dusk, so that I could have a nice late summer evening walk with my sweetie to the local store before it closed.

I inadvertently landed, for some odd reason, with an email at the top of my search list that had nothing to do with what I was originally searching for….

….however, the email was a short administrative email about a PIN number for my son’s college financial aid application.

Just glancing at this email, which I have no idea why it was at the top of the list, I suddenly had the thought “hmmmm, I wonder if his financial aid application got filed?”

Now, I am someone who usually files things like taxes, paperwork, administrative-ish items long before their deadlines. I remember the social security numbers of my kids without even trying to memorize them. I have no idea why.

In other ways, I’m a complete space cadet. Like major appointments completely forgotten, or on wrong day.

So I clicked on that email immediately, as I got the gut feeling that I better check in on this issue.

Sure enough…once logging in to the correct government account, very official-official looking, I discovered NO FORM FILED.

Taxes were filed early, just so this form could be completed early, so that my son would get first-round financial analysis attention for his sophomore year college tuition.

About an hour later, I pushed “submit” on the form and it was officially filed….about five months “late”.

The funny part (it’s quite funny to me now, the next day) is that on the walk to the store, which was well past dusk by that time, I started thinking things like this:

what if my son can’t go to college in the fall?
aren’t “they” (whoever “they” are) wondering at the university why his form isn’t in?
was someone supposed to notify us?
what is WRONG with me?
why do I have to include my new husband’s income, when he’s not my son’s father?
I’ll be in debt trying to pay college tuition!
he’ll have to work instead of go to school!
this ruined my evening
I’m a terrible mother!

I have no evidence of any of this occurring, or even being likely to occur, or any of it being true. In fact, I’m quite certain that at least for this next year, there will be no interruption in my son’s college career based on this late form.

But it’s like I was all the way to “he’ll get kicked out of university!” without thinking clearly.

It reminded me that feeling afraid, a little nervous, surprised, stressed…can lead to totally UNclear thinking.

Extreme thinking.

WHAT-IF thinking.

So I asked myself…that form should have been submitted in February…is that true?

Ha! No. Apparently, not at all. Because it was submitted yesterday. Reality = form got completed and sent in JULY.

I love the way the mind will say that something should go backwards in time and happen differently in the past, even though the past is completely over and now we are here in the present.

As if.

Who would I be without the thought that paperwork should have been done earlier, sooner, differently?

Without the thought that this is “bad”, that I am a forgetful or too non-detailed mom, that I should have paid more attention, that my son’s life will change forever because of the date on this form?

Good lord, so much more fun, so much lighter.

I would realize I have no idea, at all, what this means for the outcome. I would notice that it was magical that the email search revealed that particular old email, and *ping* it dawned on me to notice.

I would be excited about NOT apparently needing to remember, because somehow the form link popped up in my computer through other weird coincidences.

This has happened many times since questioning my thoughts about needing to remember EVERYTHING…coincidences, lightness, no need for lists, planning, or making sure things are scheduled and handled all the time (not that those are bad things, just not so critical).

“If powerful men and women could remain centered in the Tao, all things would be in harmony. The world would become a paradise. All people would be at peace, and the law would be written in their hearts. When you have names and forms, know that they are provisional. When you have institutions, know where their functions should end. Knowing when to stop, you can avoid any danger. All things end in the Tao as rivers flow to the sea.”~ Tao Te Ching #32

I remember today, looking with curiosity and inquiry that this form paperwork thing is provisional, that it has a function and it will end, and activity will happen or not, and life is quite fabulous whether there is college, or no college, or applications completed or not completed, acceptance occurs or does not occur.

Perhaps if the lack of the existence of the form leads to something entirely different happening…that direction will be amazing. Who knows?

Every step flowing to the sea, always.

Love, Grace

P.S. To comment on this post, click HERE. I love responding!

July 17, 2013

Question Authority, Get A Kinder Reality

This month the One Year Group that began in June together to practice self-inquiry for a whole year began our second month’s module…on Authority.

Authority brings up all kinds of images and ideas for people….and the key here with self-inquiry is to look at what is stressful.

The immediate image that popped in my head when considering my latest mental forays with “authority” was the bumper sticker QUESTION AUTHORITY.

I saw it when I was a teenager in the 1970s.

There seemed to be something exciting about the idea of questioning authority (whatever it was) but also a little frightening.

The dictionary defines authority in several ways as having the power to do something: make a final decision, to enforce laws, exact obedience, judge or command other people.

Benjamin Franklin is famous for saying “It is the first responsibility of every citizen to question authority”.

So there was our Inquiry Group, ready to share their situations of objecting to those authority figures in their lives….OR…those people who might be pushing against our authority (like in parenting).

I love what came forward: bosses, fathers, doctors, government departments, teenagers, head-of-committees, volunteer managers.

Those dastardly people who are making us do something! So bossy! Or neglectful! So sharp, humorless, critical, or non-communicative!

Not long ago, I entered a facility where I was facilitating a dance class. I had rented the dance studio, and been there many times before at the exact same time on the exact same day.

There was a completely different person behind the front desk, with a frown on her face as we approached.

“Who are you? I do not have a record of your reservation. I cannot take responsibility for your being here. I will have to make some calls. I cannot take responsibility for this if I don’t know what’s going on. Please wait outside. I am responsible for the center this morning. You can have your dance group, but the door into the building will need to remain locked.”

Her hand went up in the STOP gesture.

She looked really nervous and my mind immediately went to these kinds of thoughts:

she is so dang uptight!
she should relax, we’re OBVIOUSLY not trying to fake-rent this place
she should STOP REPEATING herself
if she says that she is responsible one more time, I will scream
who put this nervous ninny in authority here?
this should not be happening
she’s making us wait, and keep the door locked??!! How will people attending our dance get in fer cryin’ out loud?!

It was like a sensation in my body of being totally against this other human rose within 5 seconds. Her manner somehow hit the right buttons, inside me.

Sigh.

It is strange….the urge to defend, hit back, blast through the irritant, and consider an encounter a pain-in-the-butt.

It is not peaceful.

The part of me watching all this, the Observer who actually is entirely able to see and hear with non-freaked-out eyes and ears, said…in its usual, calm way “careful there… temper… temper.”

There were other people there with me, including my incredibly calm husband, and he began to interact with her.

I hung back, watching and nervous. It was bizarre how strong the energy was inside my body to say…um, er, I mean SCREAM…“Are you kidding me??!!”

I zipped it, took a deep breath, and allowed the other more friendly people around me to handle the “authority” figure in this situation.

Later, on the dance floor, as I moved and danced to fantastic music that seemed to fit my mood, I noticed the questioning mind, the observer, began to have a little more say about the situation.

Who would I be without the thought that she was wrong, she had made us wait, she was controlling us, or that she should have stopped talking and unlocked the door?

Even now, who am I without the thought that she was trying to manage, force, push, or hinder us in some way?

I saw her face in my mind, so worried, trying very hard to make sure all was well.

By the end of the dance, as I had looked, I realized this was a situation that was perfect for inquiry.

Even though my sensation of irritation had shifted, I hadn’t actually written anything down or worked through the concepts slowly, looking as I went at all my assumptions.

I definitely wasn’t bothered anymore, because all had gone well (I got what I wanted) and after fifteen minutes of waiting…she had opened the door and we had run our dance in the beautiful studio, just like always.

So even though I was much less upset…I wrote. I noticed that I still believed she shouldn’t have been so FREAKED OUT!

“Who would I be without the thought that the woman behind the desk had been too uptight, scared, freaked out, nervous?”

What if she was just right, the way she was? What if it made sense that she was so concerned? What if she was really caring for this facility, taking her job very seriously? What if having a little humor wasn’t accessible to her, because she was too afraid? What if she doesn’t like surprises?

Oh. That’s how I am….I sometimes don’t like big surprises. Actually, come to think of it…that’s how I was myself, right in that same situation!

Who was so uptight in that situation?

That would be ME.

If I think she shouldn’t be nervous, maybe I could try doing what I’m telling her to do! Ha!

I am so dang uptight! About that woman! And about the “emergency” of potentially not having a studio and having to cancel dance.
I should relax, I know we have rented this place but she doesn’t
I should stop repeating myself, saying internally how this shouldn’t be happening
if I tell myself that I am responsible (to all the people who are coming to dance)…
who put this nervous ninny in authority here? The nervous ninny being MOI.
this should be happening, because it is, and actually…its fine
she barely made us wait, and even though the door was locked, we were allowed to let people in, and the dance played on

“If you meet a person who’s rude to you, for example, your thoughts automatically are, ‘You shouldn’t behave like that!’ But of course, these thoughts conflict with reality, because the person is behaving like that.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

I know that when I argue with what is happening, when I am against it, then I lose the battle.

For me, in this situation, it was wonderful to question authority…to soften, relax, trust the way things unfolded, notice that was very smooth.

Perhaps even if that woman had bolted the doors, shut us out, and we were not able to have dance that morning…that still would have been most interesting, and just what the doctor ordered for greater clarity, ease, and happiness.

Actually, we had been meaning to take a look at other rental venues, less expensive ones, with better sound systems.

Funny how that works…

“Reality is always kinder than the story we tell about it.” ~ Byron Katie

Love, Grace

P.S. To comment on this post, click HERE. I love responding!

P.P.S. The second group of Inquirers in a One Year Program will start together on Thursdays, September 5, 2013 5:15-6:45 pm. For all the wonderful information about the One Year Program, click HERE.

July 16, 2013

Question Your Love Story, Discover Stillness

I was having a gentle walk last weekend in the sunny afternoon, green summer leaves swishing above, when I passed an outdoor cafe and suddenly a huge rush of adrenaline zapped through me, like a lazer beam of energy aimed for the heart.

I thought I saw an old boyfriend, sitting in a chair, facing away from me. The hair was almost exactly the same. I had to stare as I walked by, checking to see “is that him?”

Now why the heck did that produce a shot of adrenaline like I saw a house explode into fire all of the sudden?

I mean really, I thought (as I felt my facing heart slowing down).

Isn’t this a bit dramatic of a reaction?

But sometimes… BAM…there is a cascade of beliefs all at once, all stuck to each other like velcro, that show up and it only takes the mind 2 seconds to compute and execute.

RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!

Oh. Not him. Wow, that really looked like him. (Turn back and check again). No, definitely not him. What would he be doing up here? But it’s not him. So that wouldn’t happen. Not him.

And then the next ten minutes were spent remembering, seeing images zip through the mind.

It’s like the Mind is dressed up in a business suit, with a huge deck of cards. On each card is a moving picture (idea stolen from Harry Potter stories) with moments from MY LIFE.

This corporate-looking business man (the mind thinks of itself with such importance doesn’t it?) is throwing down one card after the next after the next, saying “here, remember THAT moment? what about this one? oooh, that was a particularly gruelling moment, oh and that one was pretty good, and this one was absolutely horrendous, oh, and when he said that…”

All with that person!

Who wasn’t even actually here.

Talk about stories. JEEZ!

Now, before inquiry, I would have made a lot of effort to forget about that guy. Or say something under my breath like “wanka!”

And I might feel slightly anxious off and on for the rest of the day, or look over my shoulder sometimes.

Maybe I’d even think about doing something comforting, like eating ice cream or drinking a beer (as if those worked).

The thing that’s wonderful about self-inquiry is maybe escapist thoughts still pass through my mind, but they don’t feel very serious.

The more interesting thoughts are the ones that created the fear energy through the system. I love finding out what those are, writing them down, using this as an educational, adventurous moment.

Let’s see, if I really let it rip, childish, petty, judgmental, honest….this is what my thinking looked like, slowed way down into a list:

he hates me
he wants to hurt me
he was hurt by ME
he didn’t understand me
he thought I was mean, judgmental, critical and closed
he was lying, selfish, weak, rude
connecting him was not, is not, and will not be safe

I had to chuckle when I asked myself “what’s the worst that could happen?”

I had the image of this old boyfriend jumping up and screaming and running after me down the street yelling “you witch! get away from me! you ruined my life!”

Did I mention that the mind can be a real Drama Queen?

So if that DID happen….would it really be unmanageable, horrible, unsafe?

Am I SURE he wants to hurt me, he was hurt by me, he hates me, and he thinks of me as a terrible person?

No. Not at all.

I turn these thoughts around and find my own very stressful thoughts….about ME…are the ones that really hurt.

I hated myself (in the way I was with him)—true, I was dishonest, nervous, and always worried about his feelings and not mine
I wanted to hurt him, I wanted to hurt myself—both true, I felt defensive, I attacked, I was always looking at the world like it wasn’t good enough, and neither was I
he was healed by me, I was healed by him—could be just as possible, there was a lot of love expressed between us
he did understand me, I didn’t understand myself—both true
I thought of myself as mean, judgmental, critical and closed—that’s for sure! And yes, he also thought of me as kind, accepting, discerning and open
I was totally lying, selfish, weak and rude—um, yeah, that was true. And, he told the truth, was generous, strong and nice.
connecting with him was completely safe, is currently safe (in this moment of thinking about him even) and will always be safe in the future—yes, true.

I realize there is nothing dangerous in the memories, the feelings that welled up, the images that passed through my mind, the story.

It’s just a story.

“Hurt feelings or discomfort of any kind cannot be cause by another person. No one outside me can hurt me. That’s not a possibility. It’s only when I believe a stressful thought that I get hurt. And I’m the one who’s hurting me by believing what I think. This is very good news, because it means that I don’t have to get someone else to stop hurting me. I’m the one who can stop hurting me. It’s within my power.” ~ Byron Katie

Later, after inquiring and looking and wondering….I notice I feel much calmer, more neutral when I think of that man.

I think of him as a character in a great and profound epic story…he actually had a pretty dang short part, truth be told. But an important one.

“For love to flourish, the light of your presence needs to be strong enough so that you no longer get taken over by the thinker or the pain-body and mistake them for who you are. To know yourself as the Being underneath the thinker, the stillness underneath the mental noise, the love and joy underneath the pain, is freedom, salvation, enlightenment.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

Love flourishes with every moment, whether another human is here, or not here, or memories are present, or not present, whether I am “with” a person or not “with” a person….all shining under the story.

Who would you be without your former love story?

Love, Grace

July 14, 2013

You Have Your Own Tuning Fork

This past week the Horrible Food Wonderful Food teleclass group questioned the belief that people should not be confusing.

I was struck by the way we moved from stressful beliefs about food and eating, our bodies and our relationship to food….into this thought about a human in our lives, from whom we want clarity.

But instead this person is offering confusion!

Often, this feeling permeates many peoples’ childhood.

I want clarity! I need to know! This needs to make sense! I don’t get this, and I don’t get what that confusing person is talking about!

Arrrrgggghhhhh!!!!

When it comes to trouble with food, or any compulsive feeling, there appears to be a lot of confusion present.

I want to eat, but I’m not hungry
I want to be calm, but I’m very stressed
I want to be close to that person I love/admire, but I don’t understand what they want or need
I want to be thin, but I keep eating and eating
I need to know what’s going on with All This, but I don’t seem to be able to truly understand
I feel bad, confused, lost, sad…and I don’t know why
other happy people are confusing

I loved thinking about this idea of confusion being painful this week, and my relationship to confusion.

When I was 18 ready to move to college, I felt very confused about my desire to eat and eat and overeat and binge and stuff food into my mouth.

It was entirely separate from normal hunger, it was a weird trance-like state of being compelled to do it, like I couldn’t help it.

Something was triggering this behavior, and I was VERY confused about what. I had no reference for even how to figure it out…I didn’t know about the inner life of emotions and reactions and beliefs.

Fortunately, I became equally as compelled to understand myself and my behavior.

I also knew that I had whatever it took to find peace. I knew I was born a whole human being, with the capacity to heal and move through life, just like anyone else.

But how did those other people make it look so easy?

I explored, went to lectures, seminars, retreats, therapy, and read many incredible books.

Every single one helped. Every one.

They all offered a little insight, a little spark of learning, a brand new idea, another way of seeing things, an alternate position.

And then one day, not very long into my journey (I was only about 22) I was sitting with a very interesting therapist.

This man said to me, after I explained that I was really a huge mess, and full of suffering, and had had these bulimic episodes of outrageous binge-eating…

….”well, in the Roman Times, you might have been considered normal, part of the crowd. I hear they had feasts and vomited afterwards.”

He wasn’t making fun of me. He had very gentle eyes and a kind face, and many books about eating issues on his shelves, and depression and the human condition.

I remember thinking later, on my quiet walk home, that maybe I wasn’t so weird.

Maybe there were more factors present here that I thought….maybe there was society, and my family, and me….all coming together to create this experience that looked like this terrible relationship with food.

Maybe there was a way out of this confusion. Maybe there was an explanation. Maybe I might find out where the misunderstanding originated.

I knew at that time, so young in life really, that it might not be so terrible and horrendous that I was confused.

Life was complicated, life was full of opposing beliefs, a vast collection of experiences, and big feelings.

Just thinking at that time, even before I ever knew about The Work, I was inquiring.

Instead of feeling completely and fundamentally overwhelmed and wrong and like there was no way out, no answers, no hope….I felt like there was.

Even though it took me many more years of exploration, failure, worry, doubt, success, comfort, learning, understanding….and I still am on the journey….I knew I wasn’t the special weirdo who was uniquely lost beyond hope.

“The education you need is within you. How can what is already within you be taught? It can only be realized. If you’re willing to go inside and wait for the truth, your inborn wisdom meets the questions, and the answer rings true as if it were a tuning fork inside your own being.”~ Byron Katie

I knew even as I felt insane with the pain of my relationship with eating that I was not born missing something.

That’s all I needed to know. I knew that was true.

You aren’t missing anything either.

Love, Grace

P.S. On Friday, September 13th I’ll be making available, after three years of working on it, an ebook on how to move from having a violent relationship with food, to having a friendly one….by doing nothing but examining and questioning your thinking. So exciting! I thought I’d tell you now.

July 13, 2013

That Untrustworthy Person Healed Me

This week one of the wonderful inquirers I got to work with had a problem: an untrustworthy person in her life.

That person seemed to be tricky. The identified party, the one who couldn’t be trusted, could apparently make the wrong move at any moment.

He withheld information, he had lied to other people, he had suspicious activity going on his cell phone…..texts and various conversations. Maybe ulterior motives. Something untoward.

All kinds of images came to the inquirer’s mind when she thought about this man.

She was deep into the thought that this person needed to change their behavior, become trustworthy.

And even if this happened and there was a big shift in what appeared to be sneaky moves…she wouldn’t relax until this man (a former employee) demonstrated “normal” or easy-going behavior. Not until there was a long space of time when he “proved” he wouldn’t do or say anything threatening.

This inquirer found a lot of stress present when she thought about this man. It was a pretty nervous way to be. Sort of waiting for a shoe to drop. Watching like a hawk, ready for the error, the mistake, the surprise back-stab.

This state of mind is what horror movies are made for! Anticipation! WHAT-IF….(!)

Often, this stressful state of anxiety in the mind only comes after something uncomfortable happened in the past…and the mind will come up with all kinds of ways to make sure it never happens again.

That painful situation must be prevented.

I could get hurt.

One of the most interesting ways to investigate the pain when someone in the present could potentially cause trouble….is to go back to the original situation where something difficult happened, something that was threatening, sad, shocking, scary.

Imagine that original terrible moment with full force, like you’re in a 3D movie, replaying the “worst” three minutes of the event.

In the inquiry process this week, this woman who was feeling scared and angry about her former employee’s presence called up the scene of the “crime” in the past.

I remembered my own past scene, a fearful memory where I was reading a letter, and discovered that someone I loved very much had been involved in activities I had no idea of, until that moment of reading the letter…and the activities appeared to involve quite a substantial and strange betrayal, involving me.

I had done The Work and questioned my thoughts about this moment already in the past, in fact several worksheets over time.

But I got to revisit the situation again, as I facilitated this wonderful inquirer on her own situation.

A core underlying belief that rose to the surface:

“I was very hurt….and I could get hurt again.”

Is that true?

YES! It was AWFUL when that happened! I NEVER want to go through that again! It was sooooo terrifying!

I lost a friend, I lost my innocence, I lost trust, it made me nauseated, I couldn’t sleep. That person was in danger, I was in danger, it was sick.

The inquirer found that when she believed this thought, she felt practically the same stress level as in the original situation. She had images flash through her mind of the events, the person doing and saying what they said. Her whole body reacted with panic, then anger.

A big stressful traumatic situation can be difficult to see without the thought that you were hurt, and you could get hurt again.

Without believing that you were hurt? How could that be? It seems like I was HURT!

One of my favorite ways of entering this question is to imagine if the entire scene was on pause, and I could walk around the scene looking at it from every angle, looking at the faces of everyone involved.

Or imagining myself to be dropped into that terrible scene from another planet, where they don’t believe in reviewing over and over again how hurt you were, or that you WERE hurt permanently.

Who would you be if you didn’t think that thought? If you didn’t believe what you’re believing? if you couldn’t think that you were hurt and that you could get hurt again?

This is NOT about pretending that you were not physically hurt or that something very critical and serious happened. It is not denial. The event happened.

But are you sure it could be repeated, in a similar way? Are you sure you were so hurt that you are not capable of having joy, love and kindness in your own life?

Are you sure you are not safe?

Who would I be in this moment, right now, without the thought that I couldn’t take that terrible scene ever happening again, that I couldn’t handle it, that I must brace against it ever repeating itself? Who would I be without the idea that this person means TROUBLE?

I’d notice that I am very safe and supported right now.

I am sitting on a chair, which is being supported by a floor, which is being supported by walls and a foundation, which is being supported by the earth.

Without the thought, I notice that I healed. I only lost two nights of sleep. I learned a HUMONGOUS TON from that experience. I see my own part, the times I didn’t say “no”, the insecurity I felt, the judgments I had towards that person before the difficult situation ever even happened.

Without the thought that I was permanently hurt and must make sure it doesn’t happen again, I start to remember what incredible things came out of that experience.

The inquirer working with me could see how her past difficult event led to her getting management training, and learning about legal matters with restraining orders, and noticing how powerful she was and what a great leader, and that she was open to the world with detachment and appreciation.

As the inquirer did The Work, she moved naturally into the turnaround: I was not hurt, I was healed….and I could heal again.

In that situation she could see how she evolved into a new, more powerful version of herself.

It may even have been one of the most important experiences, she confessed, to move her into a new way of being, bringing out her courage and confidence.

I was reminded through the inquiry that nothing is 100% disaster. Something comes out of everything that speaks of love.

“If you don’t realize the source, you stumble in confusion and sorrow. When you realize where you come from, you naturally become tolerant, disinterested, amused, kindhearted as a grandmother, dignified as a king. Immersed in the wonder of the Tao, you can deal with whatever life brings you, and when death comes, you are ready.” ~ Tao Te Ching #16

Love, Grace

July 12, 2013

Fear of Saying No

Several years ago, one of my daughter’s friends was staying with us for the weekend. They were excited for a double-night slumber party, and had many plans.

I thought they were very cute, collecting music and working out a project of some sort around preparing a dance number that would include the trampoline.

My daughter had made a list of what she wanted our family to have for dinner on one of the nights, and I had happily purchased all the groceries and a few treats.

During the second day, the two preteen girls came rushing into the house from playing outside, and the friend said “can we please have $20? We need to go to the store.”

I was so surprised by the question, I went mute and fumbled around.

“Uh…what for?”

“We’re getting a video, and we have some candy we want to buy, and we might want to buy some art supplies.”

I still said just about nothing. “Uh….uh….No, not right now.”

What the heck was going on?! I did NOT want to give them $20 to go shopping. It was a clear “no” inside.

About an hour later, I was talking to an old friend in another state far away, and I told her that this guest/friend of my daughter’s had just asked for $20, and my friend said “OMG, I absolutely cannot believe she asked you for money, that is appalling, how RUDE!”

I love that my friend had such a major reaction herself, just hearing about the request…because it helped me get a handle on why I was reacting with paralysis.

Now, I knew this girl was not rude. I knew she had no intention of being rude, or outrageous.

But I was so surprised, because it is social convention NOT to ask for money from friends, from other peoples’ parents, from your neighbors, even from people on the street.

It’s like…weird. If you ask for money (at least this was my story) then you were really down and out, it was embarrassing, it was awkward. Only desperate people ask for money.

Hadn’t this kid learned that yet?

Saying “no” to someone’s request seems very simple. Very straightforward. The sound is short, the word is quick. It’s even the same in many languages.

And yet…it will cause all sorts of thinking and mental energy to kick in…sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly.

It all depends on what you think it may mean for you or for the other person AFTER you say “no”.

Even if you can’t anticipate their reaction, you may suddenly see they have a BAD or uncomfortable reaction when you say “no”, and BOOM, you may start feeling nervous.

So there I was with a twelve year old asking her what the money was going to be for that she wanted, when I actually didn’t care what she thought the money was going to be for.

The answer was “no”. Simple. I could have also said “don’t ask me for money, I don’t like it.”

But I decided to investigate my thinking. I have noticed some very similar responses to other questions, where I also had the answer “no” inside me, but hesitated or was surprised, or became anxious.

What was that?

She shouldn’t ask me for money, because WHY?

when I say “no” they may think of me as selfish or self-centered
their feelings will be hurt
they will get angry, upset, sad, disappointed
they will compare me to other people who say “yes” and think THOSE people are better
they will dismiss me, leave me, slink away from me
they will think I’m arrogant, close-minded, cheap

I realized, once again, that I believed this person shouldn’t even ask in the first place, because then I wouldn’t have to give my genuine answer and have them get all pissed off or disappointed.

I was avoiding conflict by not answering. I was avoiding responsibility.

In a twisty-turning way, I believed THEY should not even ask, so that I would not have to answer, so that they would not have to receive the answer, so that I would not be uncomfortable or unsafe when they reacted to the answer.

Gawd, so complicated.

Who would I be without the thought that I have to protect myself from other peoples’ feelings and reactions, or that I am the CAUSE of their discomfort?

Who would I be without the thought that there is something unsafe about speaking whatever is true for me in the moment?

The fairy tale Snow White and The Seven Dwarves is a great demonstration of this moment of “the ask”…

…the powerful queen asks the mirror “who’s the fairest of them all?” and when the mirror answers honestly that it’s someone else, the queen has a major hissy fit and wants to kill, kill, kill.

She didn’t like the answer she received, and things became dangerous.

But really, without the thought that I can anticipate the reaction, that I need to be gentle, that I might get a bad reaction, that I shouldn’t be too blunt, that I need to soften the truth, that I need to let someone down slowly, that I need to go easy on someone, that I need to be careful…

…I say no. No thank you. Thanks, but no. I hear you’d like a “yes” but the answer is “no”. That won’t work for me. Nope, not interested. No, I don’t want to go out with you. No, that movie does not appeal. No, I haven’t enjoyed that restaurant in the past. No, I prefer to stay home. No, I don’t want to talk. No, I’d rather not. No, I’m not really drawn. No, and I can see you’re upset, but the answer is “no”.

There really isn’t much agonizing over any of it. I’m not saying “no” with feeling of having to build up a force inside, or a wall, or a defense, or like I’m getting ready to face big consequences, like I have to stand up for myself and FIGHT!

It’s simple, open, empty. The answer happens to be “no”. No offense, no resistance.

I smile and say “no”, it makes me feel happy, kind to myself, uncomplicated. Like I can trust myself to be here for me.

What if saying no became the opposite of what I learned, what I believed before?

when I say “no” they may think of me as wise and clear
their feelings will be peaceful, my feelings will be peaceful
they will get excited, clear, happy, accepting (me too)
they will or will not compare me, and it will be fine whatever happens
they will dismiss me, leave me, slink away from me—no problem!
they will think I’m strong, capable, open-minded, unattached, without need

“My lover is the place inside me where an honest yes and no come from. To tell you Yes when my integrity says No is to divorce that partner.” ~ Byron Katie

I love that I am always here with me, being my absolute best friend, my most loyal lover, my favorite partner (my only partner, actually).

I really do know the answer to anything asked of me in any given moment. I can feel what’s true and what’s not. The integrity of it is loud and clear.

Following that personal answer is the greatest freedom. So sweet, so exciting, so trusting.

“If you want to know me, look inside your heart.” ~ Tao Te Ching #70

Love, Grace

July 11, 2013

Asking Is Fun When You Don’t Expect Anything

I could take one last person in the Money Beliefs class that starts tonight….write grace@workwithgrace.com if you’re interested. We meet on the phone or skype 5:15-6:45 pm Pacific Time for 8 weeks.

We’ll question painful concepts about money and what we do with it…work, business, buying, spending, wealth, poverty, needing, marketing.

And speaking of marketing….

Wait! Before you think that “marketing” doesn’t apply to you in any way, shape, or form because you’re not someone in business…

….I’ve had an incredible time inquiring into my thoughts about marketing (making announcements, making an offer) and absolutely everything that I think it means when someone else is doing it, or when I myself am doing it.

Asking for something we want, or saying no, or negotiating a trade is more common than you may think, off the top of your head.

What I mean by marketing in this context is that fascinating space of being in this world, apparently in a body, and being sparked to make trades….to ask someone for something, to respond to someone who is asking you for something, to have expectations, to have something satisfied, to offer something, to make an exchange.

A trade in the most broad sense of the word….I give you this, you give me that.

If it’s a good trade, we are both happy and more excited than we were before (that’s the goal at least, so we think).

But oh boy, when the trade is NOT so good…it can really hurt….if you’re believing your stressful thoughts.

This arena of making a trade is the action connected to acquiring something…..anything.

For example, I feel hungry, I go to the market and buy some food, taking money with me to trade for it.

These kinds of trades are fairly simple (although they do raise some really interesting stressful thoughts inside people sometimes)….and they often have to do directly with money being moved from one person to another, in exchange for a service or a thing.

But there are also fascinating parts of all these trades that are made around emotional contact between people.

I give you attention, emotional support, appreciation….you give me encouragement, a place to live, and love.
He gives her entertainment, fancy clothes, exotic and expensive experiences…she gives him physical touch, taking care of his physical environment, house cleaning.
She gives her parents company, conversation, respect…they give their daughter success pep talks, college tuition, encouragement.
She gives him hope, acceptance, freedom from loneliness, witty jokes….he gives her praise, adoration, gifts.
He gives his friend fun, playfulness, intimacy….the friend gives him availability, empathy, an easy-going “yes” to all his ideas.
I do good deeds and behave well and kindly….God gives me favorable circumstances in life.

You may have noticed by now that these trades, while constantly occurring between people, are a bit tricky.

And kind of gross if their spiked with neediness, desperation, volatility, or intense expectation.

There is no peace in some of these trades. People feel trapped in the deal. Unable to move on, unable to enjoy staying.

They’re getting what they want sort of, they’re trading what they’re willing to trade, sort of.

When stress arises in your beliefs about what you give and what you receive between YOU and SOMEONE ELSE, and something is off for you (or the other person) then it is a great time to look at what that other person is offering that bugs you, or what you think you are offering that has a cost, and investigate:

he should pay the bills, since I give so much love
she should be supportive of my new career
he should stop promoting himself, I already said NO
she should not have gotten angry when I made a request
my encouragement should help him change
they expect too much of me
I need her to be solvent so I can feel secure
I can’t change my mind because I made a vow
if I stop giving *approval, appreciation, attention* then I’ll be out on the street, and my situation will be worse
I must be doing something wrong

Holy Moly…its amazing how many of us humans will stick with a deal we’ve got going because if we protest or say we don’t want to make that deal anymore….we’ll be criticized, guilty, banished, regretful, alone.

I see how I’ve reacted when I think I’ve done my part, I believe that other person should do their part….and they don’t. Or vice versa.

Outrage! Fear! Confusion! Disappointment! Tired.

This whole trade would be waaaaaaay better if that person did a better job at their part.

Or maybe its me, and I should be doing a better job at my part.

“We always want someone else to change so that we will feel good. But has it ever struck you that even if your wife changes or your husband changes, what does that do to you? You’re just as vulnerable as before; you’re just as idiotic as before; you’re just as asleep as before. You are the one who needs to change, who needs to take medicine.” ~ Anthony De Mello

Making trades are natural to humans, and can be really fun.

And when they are not fun, it may be time to do The Work and find out what you’re expecting from that other person, what you think you’ll lose if you stop making a trade with them.

It may be time to see what you’re believing about Reality, what you think it should be giving you that it’s not giving you.

Or maybe how you think you should improve, that you should become a better person so that life will work better.

I look at the turnarounds to all I have believed, as I question my assumptions:

I should pay the bills, and give love to myself
I should be supportive of my new career
he should promote himself as long as he does, I can give a truly loving and simple no and it can be heard
I should not have gotten angry when she made a request
my encouragement should help me change
they expect just the right amount from me
I need me to be solvent so I can feel secure
I can change my mind, my vow is to peace
if I stop giving *approval, appreciation, attention* then my situation will be better
I must be doing something right

“How do you react when you think you need people’s love? Do you become a slave for their approval? Do you live an inauthentic life because you can’t bear the thought that they might disapprove of you? Do you try to figure out how they would like you to be, and then try to become that, like a chameleon? In fact, you never really get their love. You turn into someone you aren’t, and then when they say ‘I love you,’ you can’t believe it, because they’re loving a facade.” ~ Byron Katie

As I do The Work over time, and question expectations, what I think others should give, what I think I should give them, what happens when I announce or ask for something, what I believe would be best….

….the world becomes so much lighter, relationships easier and easier, the future less and less important.

Asking, receiving, attracting, offering, creating, trading….everything becomes easier, and tons more fun, in the present moment.

“The Master’s power is like this. He lets all things come and go effortlessly, without desire. He never expects results; thus he is never disappointed. He is never disappointed; thus his spirit never grows old.” ~ Tao Te Ching #55

Love, Grace

July 10, 2013

I Need To Look Good

Yesterday in our One Year of Inquiry Telegroup everyone looked at the stressful belief “I Need To Look Good.”

As I sat with these thoughtful inquirers, all investigating situations in which needing to look good might bring about stressful feelings, I was suddenly stunned by how far this thought reaches…touching on so many relationships and experiences.

When needing to look good is stressful, it can be excruciating and paralyzing, or provoke just a wee bit of anxiety.

But in any case, NOT looking good is dangerous. That’s the belief, that’s what the mind is shouting.

Look Good! Do The Right Thing! There Are People Watching! Careful!!

I could see places in which I felt it crucial that others perceive me well. And it had never occurred to me that maybe it was not important at all.

My dictator mind will formulate the need to look good like this:

I need the students to see me as capable, personable, and intuitive….if they don’t, there will be chaos, they will complain, they’ll think I’m worthless, they will replace me
I need the children to see me as a wise, loving, and strong leader…if they don’t, they will be lost, frightened, insecure and dislike being with me
I need that organization to see me as supportive, vital and creative…if they don’t they will fire me, they will dismiss me, they will ignore me
I need that man to see me as kind, intelligent and attractive….if he doesn’t, he’ll get interested in a different woman, he’ll leave, he’ll abandon me
I need that woman to see me as honest, full of integrity, accepting…if she doesn’t, she will disgrace me, criticize me, betray me
I need those friends to see me as real, caring, and fun….if they don’t, they will forget about me, give up on me, think of me as unimportant
I need the world to think well of me, to think I’m worthy, spiritual, safe, attentive….if they don’t bad things will happen: rejection, abandonment, attack, hurt, separation, loneliness.

It is amazing how deeply we can go into Other Peoples’ Business. In other words, as Byron Katie puts it, we become very concerned with what other people are thinking of us.

Amazing to sit with this incredible, fourth question of The Work: Who would you be without the thought, that you need to look good?

Without the thought that I need to look good, that I need to clean up my presentation, that I need to be great on stage, that I need to be thought of as kind but firm, that I need to be clear, powerful, graceful, creative, secure, wise, loving, special, pretty, fascinating….

….Wow. It is so unusual to consider not having this thought and what that would be like, it’s almost unimaginable.

Not care at all what I looked like? Not care at all what other people thought? Ever? Not believing that there is anything to risk? No worry about appearing BAD?

That is freedom beyond belief. Totally and completely untethered. Empty and mysterious.

It stops time.

Sitting without this thought goes far beyond where I thought it would go.

Suddenly, I became aware of how, without believing I have to look “good” (whatever I am thinking good is) then there is no future…because there is no planning for what could happen and how to prevent it, no stressful concern for how I’m being perceived.

The entire body relaxes. Open to whatever comes.

All I have to attend to is all the reality around me, this thing apparently called me, this energy that is unbounded and actually doesn’t even need to be a “me” and yet seems to be here, pulsing with life.

The turnaround comes alive…”I do not need to look good to others”.

Not only do I not need this, as I notice the love that is present in the core of myself looking outward, I even realize that all in this instant, I actually need to look bad (if I do).

Those moments of looking bad to someone else, to a group, to others….as someone said this morning in our telegroup out loud….”didn’t every single one of those times I was perceived as looking bad teach me something incredible?”

“In many ways we were drugged when we were young. We were brought up to need people. For what? For acceptance, approval, appreciation, applause—for what they called success…..An attachment is a belief that without something you are not going to be happy. ‘How could I be happy unless I have good health?’ you say. But I’ll tell you something. I have met people dying of cancer who were happy.” ~ Anthony De Mello

You may think the thought, “How will I ever be happy, or be motivated to do a good job, or be successful…unless I believe I need to look good? I’ll go around looking bad right and left, and fail, say stupid things, lose, be disliked…”

Are you sure that is true?

I notice how beautiful the world looks, how safe and intriguing and full of wonder…amazed at the next minute, and the next, without the thought that I have to look like anything.

Without the thought that it is TERRIBLE if someone thinks of me as worthless, incapable, weak, hateful, a poor leader, uncaring, boring, dishonest, stupid, ugly, unsupportive….it is not a brushed off I-Don’t-Care defiant freedom….it is a deep, open, expansive freedom, full of all the feelings, full of joy.

Everyone allowed to think whatever they think, without me getting involved.

“Don’t look for it outside yourself. You are the source of milk. Don’t milk others! There is a milk fountain inside you. Don’t walk around with an empty bucket. You have a channel into the ocean, and yet you ask for water from a little pool. Beg for that love expansion. Meditate only on THAT. The Qur’an says, And He is with you.” ~ Rumi

How would you live your life today, driving your car, walking down the street, at the gym, buying groceries, going to work….without the thought that you ever needed to be better, look good, or generate positive feelings in anyone else at any point in time so far in your life, including now?

Love, Grace

July 8, 2013

Shopping Is Stressful! Investigating Money Beliefs

This past weekend I had a few stressful beliefs about Money. It made me very happy to know I am about to embark on the 8 week journey of investigation of beliefs about money, work, earning, spending with everyone who is participating.

There I was standing in a big store, looking at barbecues, thinking of buying one for my husband for our anniversary. There were small ones, medium sized ones, various brands, huge ones.

In many places there were signs that said “SALE!!”

Now, normally, I am not a big gift-giving person…not with material items, things, stuff you can hold in your hand.

It’s not that I don’t like buying and giving gifts…it just doesn’t occur to me. I know that’s very weird to hear for those of you who do like giving gifts.

I suppose I am more of a person who gives experiences and receives these as well, than actual “items”. I like very clean surfaces, smaller spaces, small amounts of stuff.

Lots of people are amazing at listening to what people want or desire, and selecting the perfect items.

I have to have something repeatedly mentioned….like my husband and I both noticing that it might be nice to BBQ food over the past five years….before I catch on.

Oh, I could actually acquire this thing, by going to a store and buying it.

I am not a cook, either. So I had no idea how much BBQs cost or that there were fifty thousand types and brands.

It was a little overwhelming. I started thinking it wasn’t a good idea after all.

Funny, my mind went from excitement about actually getting someone I care about a gift, to having the feeling “nevermind” after hunting for it.

Then I had another more unexpected expense arise, I did some banking online, and I thought even more….NEVERMIND.

We’ve gotten along without a BBQ for many years, why bother now?
I won’t use it enough, and I already have a stove in the house
I’ll have to clean it
there are other things to spend money on that will be more satisfying
I need to save when I can
I have no idea what my income will be next month, how many people in classes or individual sessions
better be careful
don’t ever want to regret purchasing something or be in that barely-making-it position again!
don’t buy anything unless it’s an absolute necessity! Run for your life out of the store! I hate shopping!!!

Later on, I was at home again. With no gift. And worried about my finances. On a Sunday evening.

Uh oh. Time to do The Work.

Time for a little mind surgery.

I sat down and wrote out my feelings, my thoughts, my perspective, from the most petty, childish, worried, innocent little point of view.

I used my computer, I wrote like a crazed person, many paragraphs, letting it spill out.

Then I had it all in text, and I could begin….

An hour later, after sitting quietly with myself and listening to my own mind, I felt lighter, more sparkly, relieved, and laughing at myself.

I’ll share with you the thoughts I questioned in tomorrow’s Grace Note, since I’m “late” getting this one out today.

But the most important thing for now is knowing what a gift it can be to give yourself the time of investigating your really stressful thoughts about money, work, earning, income, outflow.

I questioned my thinking and my experience changed, right in the same day. The feeling in my body relaxed, my mind relaxed.

I felt amused.

Before The Work….anxious, annoyed, frowning, tired, thinking about dollars and accounts and debits and credits.

After The Work….eyes wide open, gentle with myself, grateful, laughing with my husband.

“If you want to accord with the Tao, just do your job, then let go.” ~ Tao Te Ching #24

Love, Grace

P.S. Two spaces left in the Money class which starts on Thursday.

July 7, 2013

Getting Personal–Questioning Beliefs About Sexuality

I have heard from so many people about their reflections on their relationship with money. Thank you all for writing and sharing with me, seriously. It’s fascinating!

What about that other pesky topic that is unmentionable, when it really gets down to sharing the “facts”.

Sexuality, lovers, being physical, touch, making contact with other humans, attraction.

When I was single for several years after a 16 year marriage, it was the weirdest thing to suddenly become aware of all the fears, worries, doubts, misunderstandings, desires, wants, panic and confusion around attraction, dating, expectations, saying yes or saying no to others.

The whole entire arena of sexuality appeared unsafe, and rather dramatic.

Attraction isn’t to be trusted! Bad things happen…just look at Romeo and Juliet, Helena of Troy, Bill Clinton, relationships ending or changing forever. People killing themselves over all this!

People go nuts, they lose their minds, they make stupid decisions, they get irrational, they get addicted to pleasure.

I was one of them.

Even though it felt really difficult, I began to find great wonder in investigation of any belief that appeared that was uncomfortable around pleasure, attraction, interest, noticing others, and communicating with people to tell them what I was thinking.

I discovered that there were some very painful beliefs I held from my far distant past, learned in childhood, about sexuality. Beliefs agreed upon in my culture.

I had never bothered to question them.

All I knew before inquiry is that I felt really nervous in romantic encounters, not very grounded, worried about taking care of myself, worried about the other person and their intentions or lack of intentions.

One of the simplest but most uncomfortable set of thoughts that I had was “this is right, and that is wrong.”

There was a list for both sides.

Here is when being sexual is right…and over here is when being sexual is wrong. Lots of people agree on the lists, depending on where you live or what your cultural conditioning has been.

It seemed at the time that I believed practically 100% that relationships, attraction and sexuality and what these offered were fun, but also danger zones because people (and I) could do something on the “wrong” list….and then someone would be hurt!

It’s true, it’s true! People get so hurt! People cry, gnash their teeth, feel unrequited love, feel obsessive, feel rejected, lose their rational mind, are full of wanting, regret, grabby, demanding, despairing!

I did The Work on men, dating, sex, attraction, stalking, desiring, saying yes, saying no.

I did The Work on the worst situations I had ever heard about, whatever caused me internal sadness or pain or fear; violence connected with sex, children being abused, pornography, hyper-sexuality, insatiable people, addictive sexuality, neediness, religious control around sexuality.

I noticed that many of the stories I had heard, the things people warned about, or the actual events I had encountered, shaped my life as a sexual being….without even knowing it.

Question Four in The Work during self-inquiry is: Who would you be without this thought? Who would you be without your story, in this situation?

When I answered this question in The Work on sexual behavior and beliefs, I felt the unknown mystery, emptiness.

No rules, no dogma, no right, no wrong.

A slowness, a caring. No compulsive urge. No neediness. No demanding. People could come or go, be attracted or not, say yes or say no.

When I answered who I would be, as a dating woman interested in men, without my stories about wrong and right…I didn’t shut down, get so scared.

I didn’t know the answers, and I trusted my internal NO or YES much quicker.

More freedom, more curiosity.

More awareness of something entirely beyond the human body, beyond sensual pleasure, or feelings.

“As long as the conditioned mind operates and you are completely identified with it, there’s no true love. There may be substitutes, things that are called “love” but are not true love…..The important thing is that true love emanates from the timeless, non-formal dimension of who you are…….complete identification with form is ego.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

Finding out what you really believe in any given moment or situation with someone….about sexual contact, attraction, feelings, desire….and then inquiring into these troubling or opposing beliefs, can make the world a most amazing, interesting place.

It calmed down my feelings of intensity, relaxed thoughts that said “I have to!” or “he should!”

Everything became much softer, and yet, for me, more sweet and powerful all at once.

But wait!

Back to the drama! I must have a big theatrical wild sensational orgasmic feelings! There must be roller coasters and chaos and desperation and an exciting story!

Not.

Back to self-inquiry, back to investigation, to understanding, to forgiveness, awareness.

Sexuality, like all other areas of inquiry, has been like a pendulum swinging.

At first, very wide big far-reaching swings, believing my thoughts, having a hissy fit reaction to what people did or said.

And then the more inquiry, the less the pendulum swings. The more relaxation.

“Freedom is not necessarily exciting; it’s just free. Very peaceful and quiet, so very quiet. Of course, it is also filled with joy and wonder, but it is not what you imagine. It is much, much less.” ~ Adyashanti

If you notice stressful beliefs about dating, your lover(s), your spouse, expectations around sexuality, physical touch….whether you are single and alone, or partnered for many years…and you want focused time to identify your beliefs and question them, then join us on Fridays, starting next week.

We make a sacred, honorable, confidential space to write our judgments down and take them to inquiry, all via teleconference calls.

Just audio, not video. Freedom to speak what you think, and inquire.

Who would you be without your story that sexuality or attraction, or what happend to you in the past, or the dangers of sexuality, or lackof sexuality, is a problem?

I love continuing to find out.

Love, Grace

Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Thursdays, July 11 – August 29, 2013, 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. Register Here.
Our Wonderful Sexuality: A Safe Place For Inquiry on Painful Thoughts About Sexuality. Fridays, July 12 – August 30, 2013 Noon – 1:30 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. Register Here.
Mini Retreats Seattle. Saturdays 1:30-5:30 pm. 2013: 8/10, 10/19, 11/30, 1:30-5:30 pm. 2014 Mini Retreats: 1/18, 3/8, 5/3, 10/11, 12/6/14. 4 CEUs can be earned. Goldilocks Cottage. $70 includes intensive, handouts, tea and snacks, $55 repeater rate. Click here to register for mini-retreats
Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven: Who’s Bugging You? Parent, Child, Spouse, Partner, Boss, Client…bring them. September 12 – November 7, 2013 8 – 9:30 am PT Register Here.
Pain, Sickness and Death: The Worst That Can Happen. Fridays, September 13 – October 25, 2013 10-11:30 am PT. 6 week teleclass. Register Here.
Horrible Food Wonderful Food Weekend! Seattle, December 14-15, 2013 10 am – 9 pm Sat and 10 am – 5 pm Sun. Stay tuned for details coming soon.

If you like this article, forward it to friends, family or colleagues. To get on the list to receive these directly via email, go to www.workwithgrace.com and enter your email in the sidebar. Your email will not be sold or used for any other purpose than these Grace Notes articles and announcements. You can Unsubscribe at any time by clicking at the bottom of any newsletter.

Work With Grace - Byron Katie Coach