Last night I was sitting at my desk in my quiet little living room (the same place I hold workshops) and had the plan to “quickly” look up an old email to find a contact name, so I could print something out.
That was going to happen…”quickly”.
Before dusk, so that I could have a nice late summer evening walk with my sweetie to the local store before it closed.
I inadvertently landed, for some odd reason, with an email at the top of my search list that had nothing to do with what I was originally searching for….
….however, the email was a short administrative email about a PIN number for my son’s college financial aid application.
Just glancing at this email, which I have no idea why it was at the top of the list, I suddenly had the thought “hmmmm, I wonder if his financial aid application got filed?”
Now, I am someone who usually files things like taxes, paperwork, administrative-ish items long before their deadlines. I remember the social security numbers of my kids without even trying to memorize them. I have no idea why.
In other ways, I’m a complete space cadet. Like major appointments completely forgotten, or on wrong day.
So I clicked on that email immediately, as I got the gut feeling that I better check in on this issue.
Sure enough…once logging in to the correct government account, very official-official looking, I discovered NO FORM FILED.
Taxes were filed early, just so this form could be completed early, so that my son would get first-round financial analysis attention for his sophomore year college tuition.
About an hour later, I pushed “submit” on the form and it was officially filed….about five months “late”.
The funny part (it’s quite funny to me now, the next day) is that on the walk to the store, which was well past dusk by that time, I started thinking things like this:
- what if my son can’t go to college in the fall?
- aren’t “they” (whoever “they” are) wondering at the university why his form isn’t in?
- was someone supposed to notify us?
- what is WRONG with me?
- why do I have to include my new husband’s income, when he’s not my son’s father?
- I’ll be in debt trying to pay college tuition!
- he’ll have to work instead of go to school!
- this ruined my evening
- I’m a terrible mother!
I have no evidence of any of this occurring, or even being likely to occur, or any of it being true. In fact, I’m quite certain that at least for this next year, there will be no interruption in my son’s college career based on this late form.
But it’s like I was all the way to “he’ll get kicked out of university!” without thinking clearly.
It reminded me that feeling afraid, a little nervous, surprised, stressed…can lead to totally UNclear thinking.
Extreme thinking.
WHAT-IF thinking.
So I asked myself…that form should have been submitted in February…is that true?
Ha! No. Apparently, not at all. Because it was submitted yesterday. Reality = form got completed and sent in JULY.
I love the way the mind will say that something should go backwards in time and happen differently in the past, even though the past is completely over and now we are here in the present.
As if.
Who would I be without the thought that paperwork should have been done earlier, sooner, differently?
Without the thought that this is “bad”, that I am a forgetful or too non-detailed mom, that I should have paid more attention, that my son’s life will change forever because of the date on this form?
Good lord, so much more fun, so much lighter.
I would realize I have no idea, at all, what this means for the outcome. I would notice that it was magical that the email search revealed that particular old email, and *ping* it dawned on me to notice.
I would be excited about NOT apparently needing to remember, because somehow the form link popped up in my computer through other weird coincidences.
This has happened many times since questioning my thoughts about needing to remember EVERYTHING…coincidences, lightness, no need for lists, planning, or making sure things are scheduled and handled all the time (not that those are bad things, just not so critical).
“If powerful men and women could remain centered in the Tao, all things would be in harmony. The world would become a paradise. All people would be at peace, and the law would be written in their hearts. When you have names and forms, know that they are provisional. When you have institutions, know where their functions should end. Knowing when to stop, you can avoid any danger. All things end in the Tao as rivers flow to the sea.”~ Tao Te Ching #32
I remember today, looking with curiosity and inquiry that this form paperwork thing is provisional, that it has a function and it will end, and activity will happen or not, and life is quite fabulous whether there is college, or no college, or applications completed or not completed, acceptance occurs or does not occur.
Perhaps if the lack of the existence of the form leads to something entirely different happening…that direction will be amazing. Who knows?
Every step flowing to the sea, always.
Love, Grace
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