Grace – Page 150 – The Work of Byron Katie with Grace

June 25, 2013

Achieving Goals Are Easy When You Don’t Believe Them

Last week I somehow added some strength training (weight lifting) to my gym routine. I’ve thought about it from time to time but not done it.

It’s weird, because it genuinely did not feel like I decided. It just moved, very easily, in that direction, almost as if that was the thing to do next, at this time.

A friend of mine reminded me that she herself wanted to add in some kind of strength building to her physical fitness routine. She texted “Hey! We can support each other!”

So that may have added awareness to the field, but we haven’t been in communication since.

Now, these kinds of plans, goals, declarations and structures appear to be a part of the culture. There’s always something one can add.

Improve! Build! Raise the bar! Succeed! Take it to the Next Level! Break out of your comfort zone!

Lordy.

Nothing wrong with any of this if it’s fun and joyful.

But often, it’s a wee bit stressy. It appears to require a lot of effort to do these things, just to even hold the thoughts.

There’s a sense of getting swept up in the “I should, I have to, I need to, I want to…” focus on the future.

And the thought repeats itself, on a regular basis. Even when there may be no action taken.

Anxiety can come along just from THINKING about starting a new “program” that’s supposed to help.

Then if the mind observes no movement, it adds that to the mix of stress saying “what’s the problem here? get going! what’s wrong with you?”

I love really looking at “goals” or new programs related to health, education, creativity, career.

A lot of stress, disappointment and criticism forms within these realms.

People say things all the time like “I’m going to enroll in that training, I’m going to get that degree, I’m going to get in shape and lose weight, I’m going to finish my book, I’m going to pay off that debt, I’m going to get a new job, I’m going to get married or find a partner…”

Humans have fun (or feel hopeful), it seems, thinking about what it will be like later, when this activity is underway, or it’s completed and accomplished, and they will feel WONDERFUL.

Why, gosh…people even say this about spiritual enlightenment! I myself have made this kind of statement!

“I’m going to get enlightened. I’m going to do what it takes: meditate, go to retreats, study, find a teacher, go hear the enlightened speaker guy (or gal), pray, study all the scriptures, read the sutras….”

There it is. The imagined lovely picture of the future. When I am my ideal, more perfected version of this “me”!!

The whole thing is quite hilarious. I’m not sure when it happened…but I remember realizing that the thought “I want to become better” (enlightened, fit, relaxed, successful) is actually worthy of investigating in great depth.

Not just assuming it’s true.

It SEEMS like I need to become better. Better at leading, facilitating, working, keeping track of time, communicating…you can name your thing (and there may be many).

Often we will think (at least I did) that if I didn’t have the thought that I need to keep a fire lit under my feet, that I need to stay revved up, push, pedal-to-the-metal, rah rah GO….then I wouldn’t ever take action.

Without these thoughts of pushing and demand of myself…I might remain a total failure.

Yet for me, for some weird reason I dug out my dusty weight-lifting books, went to the gym, and started. I have no idea if I’ll keep it up.

It just seems like the inner voice is saying “yes” and there is no conflict. It was like “why not?”

This would definitely not fit into the category of “goal”. And it’s sweet and relaxing that way.

Without any big expectations.

I notice that when today is also fine, only doing what I really, truly wish to joyfully do, then those are the times I’ve actually wound up at the imagined goal ending.

Who would I be without the thought that “I should (the list)”?

Why not see for yourself?

We’ll often think it will be really bad, and we’ll never accomplish anything, if we don’t have the thought that we should do that thing to improve ourselves.

Many people will agree about what is “right” and “wrong”. Weight lifting = RIGHT. Lying on the couch all day = WRONG.

But what if you stop knowing or being so sure, or operating with goals, plans, structure that is made without ever questioning what is right for you?

“You have a decision to make, and your mind wants to know what the right decision is. But you realize that that isn’t a relevant concern anymore because your framework for decision making has been conditioned. A “right decision” according to whom? One person’s “right” is another person’s “wrong.” If you’re not going to make decisions based on right and wrong or should and shouldn’t–which only exist in thought–then how do you move?”~ Adyashanti

How amazing to explore the dreams we think we have for the future and really ask if they are true for us?

Are you sure that feeling strong, feeling energetic, feeling love, feeling success, feeling abundant is going to happen later…in the future sometime…after you “work” on yourself some more?

If we never learned what was good to go for and bad to NOT go for…what would you do today? What would you notice, or enjoy?

What would be genuinely fun, interesting, kind, creative, successful, compassionate, enlightened…right in this moment?

Much Love, Grace

P.S. If you are interested in investigating everything you believe about money, your need for it, the way you get it, what’s wrong about this moment and right about a more successful moment in the future…then join the Earning Money teleclass starting July 11th.

When you question your thinking, you can change your life. Really!

Write if you need partial scholarship help.

June 24, 2013

Feelings Are Guides From Beyond

When something really difficult happens, and I mean something drastic, final, life-changing, perhaps shocking….then it is natural for a human being to react.

Someone dies, you find out you have a disease, an accident occurs, a relationship changes, you lose something (your job, your house, a possession)….

….The thing happens, you take it in fast, you respond. Your mind generates feelings, your body feels them almost simultaneously.

The feelings may develop immediately, they may morph and move in various directions. They may come and go from day to day after the event.

One thing I’ve noticed over time, working with many people one-on-one, is that people become very afraid of their big feelings, and afraid of the event repeating itself.

It’s like the mind screams “EMERGENCY! You cannot feel this much. You will have a heart attack. You can’t live through this grief. You aren’t gonna make it. You must do everything to get back to ground zero, calmness, relaxation, stability.”

The mind presents to us images, pictures, ideas, someone’s voice speaking in our head, words. You’re repeating the event in your mind over and over, and tightening up over and over against the event.

It feels like a little child, squeezing her eyes tight and plugging her ears with her fingers and making noise with her mouth so she can’t hear the frightening or see the scary thing happening.

It’s one huge gigantic “NOOOOOOOOO!”

When the traumatic event happens, you have the first-time experience of going through it.

But then the mind goes into replay. Rewind, replay, fast forward, rewind, replay.

The mind wants to do its job as a protector (it thinks it can) and make sure that thing NEVER happens to you again. EVER.

Which is of course impossible to guarantee.

It’s a full time job trying to manage, diminish, reduce, fix, or contain the very stressful and painful feelings.

I have found in myself these simple beliefs; “I can’t accept this situation, I can’t handle these feelings” are profoundly stressful.

No matter how subtle or huge these beliefs may be…it requires effort to hold onto them.

The way I myself have reacted, and the way other people also describe reacting, when believing they can’t handle “x”, they can’t handle their feelings about “x”, is they are frozen, they panic, they work very hard and use tremendous effort to change.

How do I react when I believe I can’t handle a situation, and I certainly can’t handle it ever happening again?

Adrenaline, busy mind, anxiety, lack of humor, irritation at other people who don’t feel the same fears….feeling alone, feeling self-pity, singled out, squeezed, tense, sleepless, planning for the worst case scenario.

Who would you be without the belief that you can’t handle what has happened? That you couldn’t handle it happening again in the future?

Or that having a big reaction of fear, pain, agony, or grief is horrible and must be shut down?

When I first began to sink into The Work and realize along the way that I could question my deepest, most profound personal fears….I realized that this meant my most deeply imagined horrors about life.

The death of my children, earthquakes, sickness, war, violence.

Interesting that these all have to do with death. The threat of death, the probability of death, the awareness of death, the possibility of death.

Group death, my death, the death of many, the death of people I care about.

But who would I be without the thoughts “I can’t handle this situation. I can’t handle death. I can’t handle the fear!”

Who would I be without the thought that my fear is bad, frightening, wrong, must be controlled? Without the thought “I shouldn’t be afraid.”

I would feel accepting of my own reactions. I would be kind towards myself when I had strong uncomfortable feelings. Gentle, compassionate.

I would feel so real, and free. I am afraid.

Without the thought that I shouldn’t be feeling whatever I am feeling, I notice something inside the middle of my body relaxes, and the feelings of fear, or the horror-visions that my mind sees sometimes, the anger, all of these are accepted here somehow, maybe even welcomed.

How do I know I’m supposed to be afraid? Or in pain? Or feeling grief?

I am.

And then I can discover what I am thinking, and question it with such openness and willingness, without trying to change what I’m feeling.

What I’m feeling, in fact, takes care of itself.

Feeling intense fear, rage or grief will simply be felt, it will move as it moves.

No need to control yourself or pull yourself together, or manage your feelings or stop being so afraid of that terrible thing happening again.

See if you can feel what it’s like to simply be whatever you are, without worrying about it or condemning it.

Hello terror. Hello rage. Hello profound grief.

“Forget safety.
Live where you fear to live.
Destroy your reputation.
Be notorious.”

~ Rumi

….Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

~ Rumi

Much Love, Grace

June 22, 2013

When You Make Demands You Suffer

I once worked years ago with a woman on a project whose voice really bothered me.

I would hear her speaking to another person, or addressing a meeting where I was present, or talking on her phone, and inside feel like the sound of her voice was like fingers on a chalk board.

Such a squeaky, false, high-pitched, minnie-mouse, fake-syrup voice! Arggh! How can anyone STAND IT! I’m gonna kill myself if I have to listen one more second!

Quite recently, I met someone who had the very same kind of voice. I had a little jolt inside..”oh no, not THAT kind of voice”.

I had to laugh.

Even in that small, tiny moment, encountering someone I might never speak to again, I wanted to NOT hear what I was hearing.

I was against that sound.

That constriction inside the mind or gut that says “no” offers a most amazing opportunity for awareness.

This is what questioning your thinking is all about, really.

Questioning what hurts, what feels uncomfortable, annoying, smelly, disturbing, and IRRITATING AS HELL….and finding out what is going on, what you really think is bad about that thing.

So having the reminder of the woman’s voice from long ago, I went back in time and asked myself what did I believe was wrong with that voice?

she’s trying to over-compliment people for personal gain
she’s pretending enthusiasm, happiness, cuteness
she complains a lot, so she is needy for attention
she could burn me, betray me or others
something about her is not genuine, she’s a fake!

I realized once I got into it, that I was believing a whole humongous amount of beliefs that I had absolutely NO idea if they were true.

And what was the danger of her being a fake, or pretending, or winning peoples’ favor?

She might hurt me, when I didn’t expect it.

I was scared about getting stabbed in the back. It had happened before. With someone who looked all sweet and kind, complimentary and inviting on the outside.

Ouch. I suddenly realized that I thought people shouldn’t lie, and people shouldn’t surprise other people (er, that would be ME) with anger, or pain or jealousy or opinions.

Even though I had a small level of stress about a VOICE and what the tone was like….there was a demand present, as there always is when I say “should” or “shouldn’t”.

“I demand you be different than you are.”

This can be just a little bit different, or a LOT different. Doesn’t matter.

So was it really, really true that this woman should be different than she was being? Should her voice really change, so that I could be happier (and trust her more)?

Should she, or anyone else, never do that thing that I call getting surprised, hurt, accused, criticized, snubbed, attacked, pushed away?

No. I can’t know that it’s true.

Am I sure that I was hurt? Am I positive those people who do something surprising should be different than they are, for my sake?

You might say “yes, yes, yes”! You might feel wretchedly hurt by someone. You might have the scars to prove it.

Keep going with your inquiry anyway.

Notice how you react when you believe the thought “that person should be different” whether in the past or the present, or in the future.

It sucks. It’s so painful. You can’t stop thinking about them and wondering what you did wrong and perhaps becoming furious all over again, or very sad.

Who would you be without the thought that they should be different? Ever?

It’s an amazing question.

“…when someone criticizes you, blames you, or calls you names, instead of immediately retaliating or defending yourself—do nothing. Allow the self-image to remain diminished and become alert to what that feels like deep inside you. For a few seconds, it may feel uncomfortable, as if you had shrunk in size. Then you may sense an inner spaciousness that feels intensely alive. You haven’t been diminished at all. In fact, you’ve expanded.” ~Eckhart Tolle

What if that person is supposed to be exactly as they are, or were, in that very moment? This does not mean that what they did was right, or wonderful.

It just means that it’s not about you. They are living their life, being themselves with all their experiences and their beliefs and ways of thinking, and it’s not in your control to have them change.

What is in your control is stepping out of the way, and relaxing, and taking care of yourself, and noticing what’s actually true.

Not demanding that they change so you can feel happier, at peace, or calm.

“The Work reveals that what you think shouldn’t have happened should have happened. It should happened because it did, and no thinking in the world can change it. This doesn’t mean that you condone it or approve of it. It just means that you can see things without resistance and without the confusion of your inner struggle. No one wants their children to get sick, no one wants to be in a car accident; but when these things happen, how can it be helpful to mentally argue with them? We know better than to do that, yet we do it, because we don’t know how to stop.” ~ Byron Katie

The turnarounds for me: I should not be how I am, especially when it comes to how I think about that person’s plastic voice!

I should not be so nervous, worried about being “tricked” again, worried about being lied to or accused falsely.

I myself have been over-complimentary, inauthentic, and a fake, by hiding my true feelings!

I myself have pretended I was happy, when I wasn’t!

That person should be exactly as they are!

Her voice helps me let go, reminds me to relax, to not take things so seriously, that I do not really have a handle on what is or is not true, or dangerous, or in my control in this situation.

I also notice that any time I’ve ever been criticized, or accused, or pushed away, I have been absolutely OK.

In fact, I must admit, I have come out better in the end every timethan before I got surprised, or tricked, or confronted, or attacked or called names.

“Failure is an opportunity. If you blame someone else, there is no end to the blame. Therefore the Master fulfills her own obligations and corrects her own mistakes. She does what she need to do and demands nothing of others.” ~ Tao Te Ching #79

Much Love, Grace

June 21, 2013

In A Relationship With—It’s Complicated

The other warm, gray, rainy afternoon I was out on my bicycle, listening to Adyashanti on my ipod, and he said “you will lose your inner world.”

I began immediately to be acutely aware of my mind and the way it loves to analyze “inner” and “outer” worlds.

It SEEMS like there’s an inner world. All the churning mulling energy that goes on inside what feels like the head and the body.

Sensations are very busy here, within.

I feel a chill, or hunger, or a clutching in the throat when I feel worried. How about tightness in the gut, or a deep ache in the shoulder blade, or a heavy overall feeling of lack of energy that feels connected to grief.

What about fidgeting, boredom, buzzy energy? That can feel like its inside, too. Along with all the thoughts, images, pictures, scenes, memories, words, sounds, ideas.

Only me is inside here. Having a conversation about everything. Without actually talking out loud.

It will feel like this inner world has a boundary, is held within a container.

But where is the edge? When you close your eyes and meditate….and as they say “go within” what is this place that is “within”?

It’s like, if you keep it with yourself, to yourself, and don’t speak or it or reveal it, there’s a strange sense of the so-called inner world being mysterious, secret, unique, personal….and MINE.

(Wha-ha-ha-ha, the evil barron laughs and looks over his acreage of dark land and says “Mine! All Mine!”)

It feels like there is a “me” inside here. You know what I’m talkin’ about, right?

Your “me” is over there, inside your body/mind and my “me” is over here in this one.

There is a whole entire world in here….of past memories, future expectations, people I’ve encountered, what I recognize, what I’ve learned and know, my personality, my age and physical attributes……..it is ME! Voila!

So if there feels like an inner and an outer….where does the outer start and the inner end?

Impossible to find, really.

But I used to think “well, GENERALLY, the boundary is my skin…except in some situations, it’s two feet outside my skin…except now that I think about it, it’s as far as I can reach, except…it’s complicated.

Kinda like the “facebook” definition of some relationships, where you can indicate what kind of relationship you’re in.

I’m in a relationship with the universe….its complicated.

But what if it isn’t, not really?

Because nothing is truly clear about it. I think “I” am here. But I’m not sure.

Maybe the “I” is as far as I can hear, smell, see, feel, touch, taste.

What about when I talk on the phone to someone across the globe? Or remember something from 3rd grade very vividly? What part of the “I” is THAT?

I realize that the minute I observe, perceive or experience something…a person across the street, a cat meowing under the porch, a car parked outside the window, the recycle bin under the desk, the keyboard I type on….it is now just my experience.

Foggy boundaries, no line.

What if you lost this “inner” world? What would that look like? What might that mean? In a good way?

What if whatever this “I” seems to be was turned inside out, and everything that was supposedly on the inside (all the ruminating, the beliefs, the secrets, the thinking, the opinions) got dumped out on the kitchen table?

And then, what if you didn’t take any of those things seriously any more? What if you lost your labels and conditions and questioned everything?

All those lists of what you should be or do or say or think, all those things you think make your “I”…what if it’s OK to let those go, to find out they aren’t true, to not resist or force or direct or grab at anything?

Who would you be without the thought “this is me”? Without the thought “I need to…I want to…I’m against…I’m for…this/that should happen…”?

How very exciting! How mysterious, and exposed, and empty all at once!

“The important thing is not to know who “I” is or what “I” is. You’ll never succeed. There are no words for it.” ~ Anthony De Mello

Nothing to hide or stash away, just this thing (called the human being Grace by some) experiencing…Life.

“Awakening happens in the absence of a separate self; indeed, the realization that there’s no self here to awaken is the reality that we awaken to. Everything is functioning perfectly just as it is…” ~ Stephan Bodian

Much Love, Grace

P.S. If you think you’re a YOU that needs to earn or receive some money…come join the Money teleclass starting 7/11.

June 20, 2013

There Is Nothing Wrong With You

The other day I was watching a short teaching video on my computer as I tried to figure out a technical step on my website.

The man had a super crazy thick New York accent, funny jokes, and was overall pretty entertaining. But I didn’t know how to solve my technical problem when the video was over!

It made me think about the instant moment of taking in someone’s personality. We all do it every day.

One person, very quiet and soft-spoken. One person boisterous and loud. Tid-bits of information about where that person is from, what their culture is like.

The mind, that information-gathering machine, will start commenting on peoples’ personalities immediately.

he is so kind
she is very needy
these people don’t think for themselves
that man is really angry
her mother talks only about herself, non-stop
those kids are very rebellious
that person will never stop suffering

Little assessments happening, all day long, about other people.

Many of us conclude very fast who we like and who we don’t like, what kinds of personalities are appealing, which ones not so much.

And we do this constant-commenting thing about ourselves as well…noticing what we’re like, how we behave, what we say, how we respond to all these people we run into.

One of my most favorite things (well….sometimes it feels a little scary) has been opening up to what other people say about MY personality.

Even asking them for feedback.

“I would really love to know, what works and what doesn’t work about the way I respond to you, the way I come across to you? I want to hear your true thoughts.”

WOW.

As I’ve gotten more and more comfortable with this question, and hearing peoples’ answers, I get really honest, amazing feedback.

A bunch of it is complimentary. This is beautiful to take in, of course.

But you may have noticed…the mind gets anxious about the stuff that is NOT so complimentary.

So that’s what I’m talking about today.

Here are a few things I’ve heard where I noticed a little fear arise, what people have said to me:

you should interrupt other people and stop them from talking so long when you’re facilitating a group
you don’t talk enough about yourself
you do too much cheerleading
you’re too passive
I need you to make a difference for me in one session with you (and you didn’t)
I didn’t understand your class
you don’t have enough time for me
you are not being collaborative, we have very different personalities
I don’t believe you

OMG! The mind will take off faster than a speeding bullet!

I need to change! How could this error have happened! They perceive me as imperfect! What can I do to fix this “problem”?!

HONK!!! (that’s the buzzer going off, TIME OUT!)

There is only fear or resistance in the mind that believes in being perfect, having no flaws……the mind that believes that being liked or approved of is important.

Once again, it’s like there’s a core underlying belief that got established somewhere, somehow (and it doesn’t matter where) that wants to be loved….whatever that means.

“I need to be seen as helpful, useful, worthy, loving, kind, likable, strong, successful, aware, enlightened, clear, supportive…”

The thing is, if these thoughts screams out from the rafters above all the other critical thoughts, you won’t ever get to really look at the so-called critical ones.

That list of criticisms might be VERY, VERY interesting to investigate.

“I love receiving what the world calls criticism. It’s a very, very fast way to know yourself, just in case you don’t—-the world does! So if you’re a true seeker, open your mind to criticism….could they be right? Because until we realize what our enemy realizes about us, no change is possible. How can I change when I deny? It’s not possible.” ~ Byron Katie

When I hear what someone else tells me, and relax, I am not as frightened of their minds as I have been of my own mind.

I do not take it all so seriously.

Who would I be without the thought that people need to find me helpful, lovable, entertaining, important, effective?

I’d hear what they have to say with excitement, fascination, even joy.

I’d have the feeling inside “could they be right?” And I would look, watching with wonder, open to the awareness.

Without the thought that criticism is bad to receive, I trust the universe, I let go of trying to control anything or anyone and their opinion of me…

…I notice how thrilling this all is, and how all is well.

“There is nothing wrong with you.” ~ Cheri Huber

I start at the top of the list of feedback I have received. I take this to inquiry. I investigate. I find out what I have believed it means about me. My mind opens.

Thank you, everyone, who speaks their truth. Thank you everyone who comes, everyone who goes.

“And when you begin to feel this joy, that’s when you’ll know God’s nature. Then nobody will upset or disappoint you. Nothing will create a problem. It will all appear as part of the beautiful dance of creation unfolding before you.” ~ Michael Singer

Much Love, Grace

June 19, 2013

Stepping Backwards When A Relationship Ends

When I was traveling half way around the world recently with my beloved partner, after almost three weeks of 24/7 time together….at one point I thought suddenly “it’s easier to be single”.

So many advantages, for an introvert like me. Although I couldn’t believe the thought for more than 15 seconds.

But there was a flash, a vision of the benefits, all in an instant. Quiet, silence, space, no deciding what we’re doing next, no talking….fortunately, all I needed to do was to say “could we have no talking?” and my husband lovingly agreed.

And it was really hilarious that I even jumped to that thought in the first place, because I used to think the opposite: “it’s better to be partnered.”

The belief that it’s better to be in partnership, dating, have a girlfriend or boyfriend is really common. And often stressful.

“I can’t get what I really want, need, desire, enjoy…unless I have a partner”.

Many people are single when they say or think this thought. At least, I said it when I myself was single.

I would be having a wonderful time, and then have the thought “this would be BETTER if I had a partner here with me!”

Now, I’m not saying that being married to the amazing and sweet man I am married to is difficult. It is, in fact, the easiest, most kind, loving, simple relationship I’ve ever known.

But I swear….it seems like this current relationship appeared when I came to stand in a place where I really did not care if I ever got married again. Or care if I ever lived with anyone again. Or care if I was “in a relationship” again.

I did The Work a LOT on relationships….especially after my first marriage of 15 years ended.

Fortunately, I had The Work.

Fortunately, I stopped “trying” to go get something different. I stopped trying to move forward into that new state of relationship that would be better.

I stopped, and questioned my thinking.

When a relationship “ends” (we’ll talk about what that means in a minute) then it is very common for human beings to feel a great variety of feelings…feelings that HURT!!

I was not only hurting, I felt physically sick. I could not sleep well, I had a low-level anxiety running at all times, and my future looked bleak.

I thought that “ending” meant a lot of things. BAD THINGS.

My thoughts about myself were the most excruciating. They went something like this:

I am worthy of being broken up with
if I was good enough, this wouldn’t be happening
I can’t make it financially on my own
I can’t handle house repairs or car repairs by myself
My life will never be the same, it is over
I will never risk being this hurt again
The rest of my life, I will be lonely
I need someone else to pow-wow with, to converse with, to be intimate with emotionally and physically

As I looked at the beliefs and the whole system of thinking about Relationships: The Pros and The Cons.…I realized that many of the primary core beliefs broke apart and didn’t even make sense once I began to investigate them.

Could I really know that it was true, that this relationship “ending” meant that I wasn’t good enough? That if someone was breaking up with me, it meant BAD THINGS about me?

Could I really know that I couldn’t make it financially on my own? Or handle daily life tasks?

Was it really true that my life changing drastically was a TERRIBLE thing?

Was I really, really, really as hurt as I thought I was? Or lonely?

Was I SURE I could only get the intimacy I craved from a primary relationship?

No! I had no idea, really, that what was happening was a dreadful, horrible, terrible thing.

When I believed that it was a bad thing….life was rough. I was scared, confused, closed, nervous, and unhappy. I wasn’t interested in other people, or I was TOO interested in people who actually did NOT REALLY interest me. A knot of tension and dishonesty.

And then I asked the amazing question….“who would I be without the thought that breaking up or ending a relationship is a bad thing”?

What if it was a good thing?

“How do I know I don’t need a boyfriend? Simple: I don’t have one. ” ~ Byron Katie

Ending an important relationship brings so much opportunity to question stress and pain…I found the turnarounds to be amazingly true.

A relationship ending could give you the opportunity to enjoy your own company, to enjoy yourself as worthy, to notice how you are good enough, to make it financially on your own, to handle house and car repairs yourself, to notice life was already not ever going to be the same (always changing), to laugh, to see how intimate you can be with anyone, in every way.

I mean, you could ROCK, without needing anyone!

And here’s the funniest thing of all: the relationship didn’t actually “end”.

There is communication, conversation, ideas, response, memories, laughing….they continue.

Even my father, who is long gone, I can remember, think about, talk to…it did not “end”.

“The forward step is always moving ahead, always trying to attain what you want, whether it’s a material possession or inner peace. The forward step is very familiar: seeking and more seeking, striving and more striving, always looking for peace, always looking for happiness, looking for love. To take the backward step means to just turn around, reverse the whole process of looking for satisfaction on the outside, and look at precisely the place where you are standing. See if what you are looking for isn’t already present in your experience.” ~ Adyashanti

I say, question your thinking, change everything you know about relationships.

It’s worth it.

And if I can do it….lordy…you can do it too.

Much Love, Grace

Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Thursdays, July 11 – August 29, 2013, 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. Register Here.
Our Wonderful Sexuality: A Safe Place For Inquiry on Painful Thoughts About Sexuality. Fridays, July 12 – August 30, 2013 Noon – 1:30 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. Register Here.
Mini Retreats Seattle. Saturdays, 8/10, 10/12, 11/30, 2013, 1:30-5:30 pm. Goldilocks Cottage. $70 includes intensive, handouts, tea and snacks, $55 repeater rate. Click here to register for mini-retreats:
Loving Your Body Breitenbush Hot Springs Retreat. June 26-30, 2013. For all the information please click HERE.

June 18, 2013

Needing Love

Every so often, I think of the movie Castaway starring Tom Hanks.

If you haven’t seen it, it’s about a man who is in a cargo plane crash (almost no people, just fed ex packages on board). He lands on a tiny tropical island awash with fed ex boxes and letters, but no people.

He lives there for four years before being rescued.

Can you imagine finding yourself on a tiny island, no inhabitants except you, yourself and I?

Many monks would do this on purpose in caves or in monasteries, spending time with only themselves, no one else. Just their own minds.

One of the deepest questions that appears to come forward in this aloneness, in feeling separate or empty or far away (like on an island) is lack of loving contact….whatever that looks like.

“I need love”.

It seems like it’s at the core of so many situations……as a very stressful belief.

The belief system all related to “I need love” looks like this:

Something happens, someone says something, someone gives you a look, someone makes a gesture…and there is a worry, a fear, a terror of being alone, being cut off, being bereft, falling, becoming nothing, feeling meaningless, being unworthy….

*my partner left me…I need his love
*she gave me an irritated look…I need her love
*my house burned down….I need other peoples’ love
*he said he hates my dress…I need him to like it
*she broke up with me…I need her attention
*my boss criticized my work…I need his appreciation
*my daughter is angry because I said no…I need her love
*my father raged at all the kids…we needed his approval
*my mother couldn’t stop criticizing…I needed her love
*I am suffering, sad, disappointed, angry, frightened…I need God’s love
*I have cancer….I need love
*I need more money…I need more self-love

I need his love, her love, their love, our love, your love, God’s love, and my own love!

When this feels absolutely true, that love in some form or another is missing, then yes, it’s sad. It’s terrible for some. Heart-breaking, desperate, clinging, awful.

And the mind just knows there is a solution: get love!

If only I was rescued from this desert island in the middle of the ocean, things would begin looking up!!!

If only I was filled with ecstasy, bliss and joy every second of every minute of every hour THEN I would be TRULY happy!

But I love questioning this thought that I need love, ever.

Is it true?

YES OH YES, OMG let me play the violin and sing the song, and tell you of my story.

I make fun of myself in all this….believe me, it’s not like I’m cured of thinking ever that I need love. Ha!

But can I absolutely know that I need it? Or that I have to do something about needing it? Or manage it or make plans or work out strategies to cope with needing it?

I know that the way I react when I believe the thought “I need love” in whatever tiny little way that shows up, is that I am careful. I don’t feel free. I worry. I freak out. I cry. I panic. I hunt for relief.

Who would I really be without that thought? Goodness, it’s almost hard to imagine.

At first, I wait. It’s an empty feeling without the thought “I need love”. It’s very quiet. Nothing really to do or say. Nowhere to go. Observing.

It can feel uncaring. Yet free. Liberating.

Who would you be, walking down the street today, without the thought that you need love?

It makes me break out in laughter! I start to notice things more freshly around me somehow, or not notice. It’s so open, so relaxed. It’s like the way teenagers say WHATEVER!

There’s something very funny about this. In fact, there’s something hysterical about the drama of thinking about all those times I thought I needed love.

All those times when I have been so grabby and nervous, so trying to calm down, or make an effort, or work hard, or be nice, or be healthy, or do the right thing…whatever those are.

“The truth of your being doesn’t crave happiness; it could actually care less. It doesn’t crave love, not because you are so full of love, but because it just doesn’t crave love. It’s very simple. It doesn’t seek to be known, regarded highly, or understood. When you’re living what you are in an awakened way, there’s no ideal for you anymore. You’ve stepped off the entire cycle of suffering, of becoming; you’re not interested.” ~ Adyashanti

The turnaround: I do not need love.

Doesn’t that sound exciting? Right in the middle of the situation where you thought you needed it most? Could that be truer that you do not, in fact, need any more love than you already have? Not one drop more of attention, approval, appreciation? From anyone, or anything?

Even if you’re on an island, or in a monastery, or all alone in your house, or someone just said something unpleasant, or you learned something troubling?

YES! WOW!

“If I had a prayer, it would be this: ‘God, spare me from the desire for love, approval, or appreciation. Amen.'” ~ Byron Katie

Much Love, Grace

June 17, 2013

I Am SURE I Need More Information

Yesterday on Sunday evening, I realized I had an interview queued up on my laptop since early morning, ready to push play and watch….but had never gotten around to it the whole day.

I also had my local library website open in a browser on the same laptop, waiting for me to order a book (or two) from that author who was recommended to me.

Oh, and I had an mp3 of a teleconference call ready to download, led by someone I’ve never ever heard of but the title sounded interesting about mindfulness and enlightenment or something….

….and finally, a public webinar by one of my favorite business author and teacher guys David Allen, waiting for my credit card if I want to join his class next month.

Heh heh, and that was not exactly an atypical day….

….and I never actually opened, got to, listened to, or purchased any of them.

There are hundreds and hundreds of spiritual teachers, coaches, counselors, practitioners, authors, lecturers, and scientists who have something interesting to teach or say.

Not only something interesting, but often something quite profound and beautiful to offer.

It would be impossible for any one of us to study them all. Ever.

Yet our mind will tell us that even if we can’t get to them all, read every great book, see every interesting teacher….we should make contact with AS MANY AS POSSIBLE.

Surely we can get to as many of them as we can and study what they say?

Surely we can work with new practitioners, read a new book, keep hunting and getting closer to that “goal” of….

….oh yeah, good question….what is The Goal?!

Funny how when I stop and look at myself and this particular gathering-and-studying behavior, I recognize a familiar energy, one that is stressful.

There is a little edge of push-push running around like a nervous chicken, seeking the most perfect answer, a great teacher, a solution.

Maybe the goal is that I want to stop suffering, feel happy, gain knowledge, succeed, thrive, win, enjoy, perform, bliss-out, do good.

Maybe…just maybe…there’s someone out there who can wave their wand over your head and “make” you feel better! A light bulb would go off! WOW that would be AWESOME.

The thing is, we listen and learn and gather and we DO feel better, excited, more aware. At least I do.

I love the wisdom available, just sitting down at my laptop. It’s quite stunning, really.

But it’s also of great value to me to stop hunting. Wait. Be. Watch. Listen to the silence, not someone else’s voice.

Watch that moment when I am chasing after a goal that is somewhere in the future, whether an hour from now after I watch my spiritual-teacher video, or five months from now when I’m totally over my current unpleasant condition.

That moment when I am believing “I need more”.

I need to read that new book
I need to read those old spiritual classics that I missed
I need to buy a ticket and go hear “x” person on their lecture tour
I need to order those files of “so-and-so” talking about enlightenment
I need to recommend to other people this new author
I need to stop suffering and feel blissful instead. All the time.
I know what enlightenment is like, and this here is NOT IT
I need to sign up for that program

I don’t know about you, but how I react when I have these kinds of thoughts, if I really look and examine and investigate this state of mind, is I am insatiable.

One big needy ball of energy. Walking around like I’m looking for something, very subtly and very appropriately (it doesn’t look like drug addiction or other heavier addictions).

But I am spending money on books, programs, recordings as if my life (mind) depended on it.

Sigh.

I remember when I had no money left six years ago.

One day I was doing The Work and questioning the thought “I need more money”.

I had turned the thought around just to look at it, the way we do in The Work: “I do not need more money.”

I suddenly realized one advantage of not having money.

I didn’t have it to spend on books, retreats, lectures, programs, practitioners, modalities, spiritual “information”.

I had to sit in a chair, with my own mind, instead.

I had to develop a relationship with myself that worked. A foundation of openness to this self, whatever it was.

Who would you be without that thought that you need to find the right teacher, practitioner, or program?

Who would you be without the thought that there is an answer out there that you must find, or an enlightened state that is different from who you are right now?

Who would you be without the thought that there is a magical piece of information that will crack the code of life for you personally?

“The key is to be quiet. It’s not that your mind has to be quiet. You be quiet. You, the one inside watching the neurotic mind, just relax.” ~ Michael Singer

Today, something in me feels such joy at not needing anything MORE than what I already have learned, come into contact with, practiced, or become aware of….so far.

What if you were not missing a thing? What if you did not need one bit of extra additional information?

What if you could trust that you are moving through All This and you left everything alone, just allowed it to be what it is?

“The Tao is called the Great Mother: empty yet inexhaustible, it gives birth to infinite worlds. It is always present within you. You can use it any way you want.”~ Tao Te Ching #6

Much Love, Grace

Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Thursdays, July 11 – August 29, 2013, 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. Register Here.
Our Wonderful Sexuality: A Safe Place For Inquiry on Painful Thoughts About Sexuality. Fridays, July 12 – August 30, 2013 Noon – 1:30 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. Register Here.
Mini Retreats Seattle. Saturdays, 8/10, 10/12, 11/30, 2013, 1:30-5:30 pm. Goldilocks Cottage. $70 includes intensive, handouts, tea and snacks, $55 repeater rate. Click here to register for mini-retreats:
Loving Your Body Breitenbush Hot Springs Retreat. June 26-30, 2013. For all the information please click HERE.

If you like this article, forward it to friends, family or colleagues. To get on the list to receive these directly via email, go to www.workwithgrace.com and enter your email in the sidebar. Your email will not be sold or used for any other purpose than these Grace Notes articles and announcements. You can Unsubscribe at any time by clicking at the bottom of any newsletter.

June 15, 2013

Cell Phone Sets Mind Off

It’s funny how the tiniest thought can produce just a wee bit ‘o stress“my cell phone should not have run out of battery power”.

I knew it wasn’t a matter of life or death…CLEARLY.

But still.

I told someone I would call them back 5 minutes ago. I will now be quite late. They will be waiting for me.

And what if my children are trying to text me RIGHT NOW?

Yeah, now that I think about it…I want to text my husband, and my good friend who texted me earlier. But I can’t! This is annoying!

And that person is waiting….they might even be getting upset. Dang! I hate my new phone! My old phone had a better battery!

Jeez, what kind of company would make a phone that drains out of battery power so quickly?

How did I overlook the battery level being so low? I don’t remember using the phone that much…did I do something?

Is there something else I haven’t learned yet about this phone, something that inadvertently uses up all the battery power?

Probably, it’s so complicated! I don’t even understand all the features. There are too many of them! I just want a simple phone!

Getting this phone was a big mistake!!!!

That’s how the mind runs sometimes. It’s like it’s flitting from idea to idea, figuring out the source of the problem.

Digging down into a deeper, more intense, more theatrical belief.

Have you ever looked at your beloved partner and through the same process of disgruntled stressful thinking…..gone from being upset that he doesn’t wipe the mud off his shoes, to concluding that this relationship is doomed?

Or maybe you had a flat tire, or took longer than expected in the store, or you got stuck in heavy traffic, or you cut your finger, or you couldn’t sleep, or you received some news in the mail….and your heart jumps, you experience a little worrisome image, your mind thinks this could be serious.

Not just serious….dire. Dreadful. Tragic.

For a long time, I carried in my wallet a cartoon drawing that reminded me of the Drama Queen Mind.

It was a one-frame square cartoon image. A man was standing, opening his mail. The only written word in the drawing was a bubble coming out of an envelope he was holding as he ripped one end of the envelope open….“tear”.

In the background, his dog was going berserk. The drawing captured this dog going completely ballistic, and the man turning quizically towards the dog, as if wondering what the heck was the problem?

Beneath the frame was the caption “As usual, violent behavior sets the dog off.”

As usual, a major freakin’ emergency sets the mind off (cell phone ran out of battery, what else).

Fortunately, that all happens so fast, that with inquiry….without taking it seriously….a few more minutes go by and I am chuckling about the phone, and I notice all is incredibly well. Later the person I was calling back didn’t seem to notice how late I was.

But don’t berate or be upset with yourself if you react more drastically. It sometimes is the way of it.

Then you’ll know to question whether what you’re thinking is an emergency is actually true? And you may discover quite quickly that it’s not.

And then maybe when a true actual emergency comes along…that won’t feel so much like one, either.

“So, how do you get back to heaven? To begin with, just notice the thoughts that take you away from it. You don’t have to believe everything your thoughts tell you. Just become familiar with the particular thoughts you use to deprive yourself of happiness. It may seem strange at first to get to know yourself in this way, but becoming familiar with your stressful thoughts will show you the way home to everything you need.” ~ Byron Katie

Much Love, Grace

Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Thursdays, July 11 – August 29, 2013, 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. Register Here.
Our Wonderful Sexuality: A Safe Place For Inquiry on Painful Thoughts About Sexuality. Fridays, July 12 – August 30, 2013 Noon – 1:30 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. Register Here.
Mini Retreats Seattle. Saturdays, 8/10, 10/12, 11/30, 2013, 1:30-5:30 pm. Goldilocks Cottage. $70 includes intensive, handouts, tea and snacks, $55 repeater rate. Click here to register for mini-retreats:
Loving Your Body Breitenbush Hot Springs Retreat. June 26-30, 2013. For all the information please click HERE.

June 14, 2013

It’s OK To Ask For Money

It was a dark, damp, bleak January morning. My mortgage was due in 2 days for the little cottage where I had lived for 15 months. I had exactly 64 dollars in my bank account. The mortgage was $2,130.

Five months earlier, I could see this day coming. Even though I hated to, at that time, I had put my cottage up for sale. I only had enough money at that time to last about five more months.

To last until now.

Five months earlier, I did The Work on my deep grief and terror at having little time left to turn my life around financially. I was living off my savings, and my savings were draining. I was sinking as fast as the Titanic.

I had borrowed money from family, I had sold everything I could sell, I had done part-time manual work for cash. I had become willing and applied for a job at Starbucks. I had done a temp job at a hospital.

I knew if I purchased absolutely nothing but the basic necessities; food, heat, electricity and my house mortgage, I would be out of money by January.

My kids became eligible for Free Lunch at school.

I started working at a dance twice a week, trading my help for free entrance. I found out the school had special services for clothes, back packs and other items for my kids for school, based on my enormous drop in income.

A friend suggested I apply for food stamps. I refused….and later started to cry while thinking about it.

I could hardly believe I was eligible for food stamps. But I was.

Five months earlier, I had come to the conclusion, after doing The Work and questioning my long-held beliefs about failure, success, work and money, that I could sell my house.

It felt so, so sad. But I didn’t know that for sure. It looked like the most practical step, the necessary step. It was the worst that could happen, and I questioned that Worst Thing and found, maybe it would actually be OK.

I would go live with my mom. I had put my house up for sale.

The selling price was less than what I had paid for it with my former husband when we were still married, only two years before. It was now worth less, and I might barely make enough on the sale to cover the original loan.

I knew when I put my house for sale that I would make no profit, but at least I would be out of debt, and free and clear of the obligation. And I wouldn’t owe anymore.

I would prevent total and complete financial disaster.

I thought, by putting my house up for sale (which I did not want to do) that I would avoid THAT MOMENT.

But here was that moment. This terrible January morning when I had 2 days to pay my mortgage, and only $64.

As it had turned out, over the past five months, quite a few people had made offers to purchase my cottage. For very low prices.

The market was plummeting downward. “Sorry, but we need to offer you fifty thousand dollars less than what you even owe on the property….You will foreclose even after you sell, because you’ll still have a loan to pay off!”

All during this time of house-selling and keeping the cottage in pristine order so people could come look at it, I was also applying for jobs frantically. I went to many interviews. I was a job-interviewing expert.

As I sat there looking at the mortgage bill and knowing, I had no money to pay it, I had the thought that there was only one way I had not received money yet, that would be acceptable to my integrity.

A gift. Winning the lottery. Something weird and unexpected.

“I cannot ask for a gift of money”.

Too shameful, humiliating, embarrassing. I would never do that, I couldn’t…

I sat and did The Work on this concept. Is it true, that I can’t ask for money? Who would I ask anyway?

What would people think? It made me feel sick to my stomach.

I cannot ask for a gift of money.

Is that true?

No. I CAN ask for a gift of money. But the embarrassment….so demeaning, so low.

Are you sure? Are you sure that you can’t ask….for fear of rejection, horror, people turning away, people being uncomfortable?

Yes. My answer is yes. I can’t ask. It is absolutely true.

I had never asked for a gift of money my entire life, not that I remembered. Never. I had always, it seemed, believed this.

When other people asked for money, I thought they were really reducing themselves to the lowest level. They were at rock bottom. They were a mess.

Who would I be without the thought “I cannot ask for a gift of money”?

I’d probably ask right now. If there was any time that was the right time, knowing that I have done everything I possibly could, sold all my assets, looked for a job or income with all my might, and become willing to sell my home…this was probably the time.

The turnaround: I can ask for a gift of money.

I couldn’t find examples. I felt stuck. I did not know when someone, including ME, could ask for money and feel OK about it. I had no examples.

That night, the man I had begun dating about six months earlier took me to the movies. He knew I was bad off financially, but not how bad.

We saw “Cinderella Man” starring Russell Crowe.

Right in the movie was an example for “I can ask for a gift of money”.

The main character swallowed his pride, took off his hat, knowing he had to do it to feed his own children, and went around a room full of distinguished looking businessmen, holding out his hat for donations.

I sobbed.

I told my new boyfriend about doing The Work on money, and the truth of my financial situation.

I told him that I still couldn’t actually ask for a gift of money….but at least I was open to the possibility that there are some situations when its OK, when it is done in integrity.

I was late for that January mortgage payment. Late payment #1. On the way to foreclosure. Only two more months of late payments, and the bank would reclaim my house.

But something also felt possible, not as closed off….like the awareness that in this world, money comes and goes and flows in and out and really, all would be well.

I loved seeing that turnaround appear before me in that movie. So beautiful.

Two weeks later, I drove (deciding to use the gas in the tank of my car) to the dance where I had been volunteering my work in exchange for free entrance for the past six months.

Now, I had $11 left in my bank account. I had a credit card I had been using for groceries, almost maxed out to the limit.

At the end of the dance, after helping put away tables and clean up and sweep the dance floor, and vaccuum….the woman who runs the dance (who had become a dear friend), and my new boyfriend beckoned me over, where there appeared to be a lot of people hovering…longer than usual at the end of the dance when people usually linger.

People hushed each other and were murmuring. Someone said “this is it! Quiet!….for Grace….”

Someone pulled me into the center of a circle that was forming, right in the middle of the dance floor.

“Grace, we’d like to present you with a gift. We heard of your situation, and we also heard it’s your birthday, and we took up a donation….”

I opened the thick bursting envelope….Tears welled up in my eyes. I could hardly speak.

Bills of cash from people right there in the dance community, checks from family who lived far away, checks and cash from friends in other countries, friends who didn’t live anywhere near me…donations from people who saw me at dance but weren’t even sure what my name was.

My boyfriend had extended the donation, put out the request to the universe, sent out emails….no expectations.

He called it the Birthday Bucket.

The next day, I paid my late mortgage. Two weeks later I got a job, and I paid the next month’s mortgage.

I’ve never needed to ask for any money since.

It’s OK to ask for money.

“Once you can think clearly, without the stress of your painful thoughts, the whole world, in all of its unlimited abundance and glory, will open up for you. A fearful mind is limited; it can see only a very few options. A clear mind can see many more options–unlimited options. It can act efficiently, effortlessly, intelligently, in the present moment, and not be stuck in its deadly stories of past and future.” ~ Byron Katie

Much Love, Grace