Author: Grace

Grace Bell is author of Grace Notes and facilitates individuals, groups, retreats and courses in The Work of Byron Katie. She supports people with eating issues, divorce, difficult feelings and relationship trouble to find peace.
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There’s Not Enough Time

August 10th Seattle: Mini Retreat 1:30 – 5:30 pm. A brief intro and plunge right in to The Work of Byron Katie. Start from scratch with beginner’s mind. End with new insight through investigation on any stressful situation you’ve ever encountered (you pick which one). Mental health professionals can earn 4 CEUs.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch (picture tumbleweeds blowing across the wide open plains…the inner mind).

I noticed an old familiar tumbleweed this morning: I need more time!

Holy Moly this thought can be frustrating and definitely stressful.

I love investigating this thought, though, instead of just believing it and reacting to life with it totally entrenched in the mind.

What do I need more time for? Why do I need more time?

Well, GOSH! Of course I need to complete all the following items…yesterday:

  • I need to check and respond to emails
  • I need to read my class materials
  • I need to sit down and watch my training videos
  • I need to finish that book
  • I need to go to the library
  • I need to learn how to make a video
  • I need 75 minutes at the gym
  • I need to make those 4 phone calls
  • I need to buy those items at the Rite Aid
  • I need to finish my book on recovering from eating issues
  • I need to schedule my fall classes
  • I need to organize my calendar, my desk, my to-do list, my retreat plans, my hand-outs, my grocery store list, my bank statements, my bills….

It can go on and on.

And why do I actually need to do these things?

Because, because…I need to do them to succeed, to improve my life experience, to make more money, to avoid feeling needy in the future, to produce something meaningful, to feel happy and peaceful, to avoid forgetting about someone or something, to make sure my kids are safe and secure, to keep my health excellent, to gain knowledge, to rock the casbah.

It is truly incredible to enter the world of self-inquiry around all these kinds of things…the things we are apparently needing to do in order to be successful, healthy, happy and accomplished.

The list is endless! I could add so much more!

But do I really need to do that thing I think I need to do? Is it absolutely critical that I respond, call, email, schedule, buy, get, organize, finish that thing?

Sometimes people get really worried about who they would be without the thought “I need to do that.”

I might lie like a slug on the couch and waste my life away. I might never finish my book. I might never do anything of true value. I might have no purpose. I might not earn any money, I might never go to work, or go to the store. I’d be apathetic, lazy, boring, slow.

It would be depressing. I’d be a failure!

I can’t give up that thought! Even if it’s stressful!

Are you sure? Are you sure you’d be “wasting” time if you did nothing? Are you sure whatever you’re doing is “nothing”?

Are you sure that you’d even WANT to do “nothing” if you didn’t have the thought “I need to do something”?

Perhaps, like me, you can discover that without the belief that you have to do something, you actually find out that you LIKE doing some things, even things on your list.

Such as going to the gym.

I love my gym! So fun! (Except for when they replay the Van Halen Classics channel over and over…)

But it’s NOT wrong if you don’t like it, at all, its the way of it.

As I question “I need more time” over and over again (when it becomes stressful) I discover without the thought….I am here in this moment, with a mind that’s having fun thinking about stuff that can get accomplished, and I’m really not taking it all seriously.

There goes that Crazy Mind! With all it’s Crazy Ideas!

For some weird reason, even though I believe I’ve never eaten it, the ad for Trix Cereal comes into my mind sometimes from American TV when I was a kid. (Silly Wabbit, Trix Are For Kids!)

Silly Mind! Tricks Are For Kids!

Not taking the mind’s TO-DO list very seriously. That to-do accomplishment list is such a sneaky trick!

Making me think I need more time! Ha!

Turning it around, I do not actually need more time. I don’t need to “work” at all this.

My heart is beating, my lungs are breathing, my body is going from young to old on just the right trajectory.

Without my help.

There are enough hours and minutes in every day.

The quantity of time here on the planet is enough, from birth to death, from sun up to sun down, from point A to point B.

What if I simply lived that turnaround, instead of believing in Not Enough Time?

What would I be like if I walked around today, going about my business, in the grocery store, getting up in the morning, talking with my family…always believing that there is plenty of time?

Oooh boy, doesn’t that sound exciting?

Suddenly, here in this moment now, I feel very satisfied, trusting of the universe and the enough-ness of it all….being here, right now.

“Time isn’t precious at all, because it is an illusion. What you perceive as precious is not time but the one point that is out of time: the Now. That is precious indeed. The more you are focused on time–past and future–the more you miss the Now, the most precious thing there is.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

Much Love, Grace

P.S. Money class starts July 11th now (not tomorrow). Join us!

  • Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Thursdays, July 11 – August 29, 2013, 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. Register Here. 
  • Our Wonderful Sexuality: A Safe Place For Inquiry on Painful Thoughts About Sexuality. Fridays, July 12 – August 30, 2013 Noon – 1:30 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. Register Here. 
  • Mini Retreats Seattle. Saturdays, 6/15, 8/10, 9/7, 10/12, 11/30, 2013, 1:30-5:30 pm. Goldilocks Cottage. $70 includes intensive, handouts, tea and snacks, $55 repeater rate.  Click here to register for mini-retreats:
  • Loving Your Body Breitenbush Hot Springs Retreat. June 26-30, 2013. For all the information please click HERE.
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When They Demand, Insist, Ask, Plead

I promised to send out the recording for the second free call on Monday, and here it is:

Listen to the replay here 5:15 pm Monday 6/10/2013

If you were there, even if you did not participate, please fill out this anonymous survey so I can learn what works best for the group calls, what works best for YOU:

Click here to send me feedback

The concept that rose to be questioned on the call was a concept many of us have felt at one time or another in life: that person wants me to do something, and I don’t want to!

So, there is another human being, making a request. They are asking for something with words, or perhaps you’ve inferred over time what they want.

Maybe they’re yelling at you “I want you to do it RIGHT NOW!”

Or maybe they’re crying and looking forlorn, and you believe that if you do what they’ve asked, they’ll stop feeling sad.

Maybe they just give you a look…and you get a crunched feeling in your gut because you’re SURE they want THAT…and you don’t like it.

This is a stressful situation. It doesn’t feel simple. You feel torn.

They ask for what they want……and you agonize, you fret, you worry, you feel angry, you have conversations in your head with them, you avoid them.

They shouldn’t even ask in the first place! Look at all the stress they’re causing! JEEZ!

The thing I love about this concept is that I find out, for myself, how uncomfortable I am with telling someone “no”.

And not just saying “no” but feeling confidence, a sense of centeredness, like I’m following an important message from the inside, and simultaneously seeing that person not as the enemy who has asked for something terrible, but simply a human being making a request.

I remember being 15 years old. My mother wanted me to clean my room.

For some reason, I felt a blazing fire of refusal that day. I don’t care what happens to me….I won’t do it!

I have never seen my mom so furious. This was outright war.

I have so much compassion for her now, in that moment. I’ve felt the same rage towards my own beautiful daughter….and I screamed at her!

When we’re believing that someone else wants us to do something, and that there is something frightening or uncomfortable about responding to that person, then it is very stressful.

I loved doing The Work on this concept yesterday.

We all know what it’s like to believe the thought “they want me to do it!”

Some of us fight. Attack! Throw the bum out!

Some of us get clever and sneaky. The dog ripped my bank statement to shreds!

Some of us cut off that person. No texting, no response, no answering the phone. Return To Sender, Addressee Unknown.

But all around, it’s stressful. A little bit anxious, or super scary.

Who would you be without the thought “that person wants me to do something I don’t want to do”?

My anxiety level drops about 20 points. I don’t feel so sure that person who is doing the asking is a mean, nasty ogre….or a powerful perpetrator…or a bossy ruler of the universe…or a needy weakling who’s about to keel over.

I don’t assume that I am either a victim or someone big and powerful, with no ability to love and speak up and take care of myself andhonor them.

I can hear their request and simply consider it, with an open mind.

Without the thought, everything feels more simple.

Will you please leave? Oh…Ok. Sure.
Will you move in with me? No…I love having my own place. 
Will you run an errand for me? Yes! I adore walking to the store.
Will you do my laundry every week? No. 
Will you save money? No. I love spending everything I receive.
Will you have sex with me? That sounds fun, but I have a few important questions first like do you have a disease? Are you sleeping with other people? Etc.
Will you clean the bathroom? I’ll clean the bathroom, you clean the kitchen.
Will you go on a date with me? No, thank you.
Will you buy me a present? Sure!
Will you pay my tuition? No, I wish I could but I don’t have the money.
 

And can you change your mind?

Yes!

Perhaps the turnaround is truer, that the person does NOT want you to do something you don’t want to do. Not really.

Perhaps you’ve been having the same kinds of thoughts as that person….and you’ve been insisting that THEY do something or behave in some way, or say or think or feel something that THEY don’t want to do!

And perhaps, ultimately, YOU don’t want to do something you don’t want to do!

“The voice within is what I’m married to. All marriage is a metaphor for that marriage. My lover is the place inside me where an honest yes and no come from. That’s my true partner. It’s always there. And to tell you yes when my integrity says no is to divorce that partner.” ~Byron Katie

Much Love, Grace

P.S. Two spaces available for Breitenbush. Weds evening through Sunday early afternoon 6/26-6/30. Come to Oregon with us, and imagine leaving with your body not being a problem. Click here for more information.

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Afternoon Announcement 2rd Group Inquiry Call Today

I don’t usually ever send two emails in one day, but wanted to let you all know, in case you want to attend the second free group call, that anyone is welcome and we’ll start in a couple of hours 5:15 pm – 6:45 pm Pacific Time.

And, if you would be so kind as to complete this anonymous survey, if you attended the first call OR if you attend the second, it will help me improve and make future group calls really wonderful:

Take the Survey here (only 4 questions)

I was SO EXCITED about the first Group Inquiry phone call  that happened earlier!

Of course, since it was a first-time group live open call, there were a few small technical glitches. Or maybe they were big!

1) I muted myself accidentally for about 3 minutes. That probably sounded pretty goofy—total and complete silence.

Most of you didn’t even hang up during that silent phase, which was awesome.

2) only the first 25 people to call could get “in”. That will be the case for the second group today as well. There is a cap on the total spots available, it turns out!

So, I guess the early bird gets the worm! If you want to just listen, but come on live, that’s OK, but you’ll still need to come on board early if you want a spot.

And, if you missed the phone call today, here is the recording below. (Note: there are more than 3 minutes of silence….kind of like Watergate, I’m hoping you don’t notice). Ha!

Click HERE to listen to the morning Group Inquiry With Grace call

But I was so excited to do The Work with those of you who came! Thank you so very much for your participation, vulnerability and beautiful honesty. Even just listening is a gift of energy to the pool!

So let’s do The Work together AGAIN! 5:15 Pacific Time!

Here’s how to dial-in:

Phone: 206-402-0100 Code: 305799#

Skype: enter “joinconference” into the dialing keypad (or your address book). Call “joinconference” then locate the keypad again and enter the code 305799#

Or listen only via your computer:

5:15 class 6/10— http://InstantTeleseminar.com/?eventID=41960172

We’ll do The Work again on a common, underlying stressful belief.

You will have the opportunity to quietly sit at the beginning and consider a stressful situation, contemplating it in your mind, and then picking a painful, troubling, or confusing belief about that situation.

Then together, we’ll move into inquiry on one of the concepts that someone finds that they have been thinking about their difficult situation. Something that creates stress inside when they think it!

It may be one of your concepts!

And even if it’s not…as Byron Katie says “there are no new thoughts”.

 Whatever we inquire into, you may be easily able to find where you yourself have believed that thought.

This process known as The Work is so simple, anyone can do it. Come see what its like to question a stressful thought with a group, and open to new possibilities.

 Much love, Grace

P.S. If you attend either one of the calls today, I want your feedback! Absolutely anything you might advise, what did not work, what you would like to see happen that would work better, what you need or want, what you would like to hear more of, or less of, anything annoying, anything worrisome. I am here to serve you and help you investigate your thoughts! Here again is the link. Your words are valuable to me (and to the greater community of inquirers):

Click here to take the survey

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Free Group Inquiry Telecall Today

Let’s do The Work together!

My first free telecall is almost here—and I’m offering this at two times so you can hopefully join us, depending on your time zone.

Monday, June 10th 8:15 am  – 9:45 am Pacific time

Monday, June 10th 5:15 pm – 6:45 pm Pacific time

Here’s how to dial-in to either call:

Phone: 206-402-0100 Code: 305799#

Skype: enter “joinconference” into the dialing keypad (or your address book). Call “joinconference” then locate the keypad again and enter the code 305799#

Or listen only via your computer:

8:15 class 6/10— http://InstantTeleseminar.com/?eventID=41960046

5:15 class 6/10— http://InstantTeleseminar.com/?eventID=41960172

I won’t be able to help you connect once the call begins.

Pop in any time to listen, or come at the very start to participate. If you arrive late, there won’t be an “entry” chime so you won’t interrupt the group.

We’ll do The Work on a common, underlying stressful belief.

You will have the opportunity to quietly sit at the beginning and consider a stressful situation, contemplating it in your mind, and then picking a painful, troubling, or confusing belief about that situation.

Then together, we’ll move into inquiry on one of the concepts that someone finds that they have been thinking about their difficult situation. Something that creates stress inside when they think it!

It may be one of your concepts!

And even if it’s not…as Byron Katie says “there are no new thoughts”.

Whatever we inquire into, you may be easily able to find where you yourself have believed that thought.

This process known as The Work is so simple, anyone can do it. Come see what its like to question a stressful thought, and open to new possibilities.

Much love,

Grace

  • A Year Of Inquiry For The Addictive Mind: Life Support For The Compulsive Thinker. June 11, 2013 – May 20, 2014, Tuesday teleclasses * 2 optional in-person retreats * Powerful Group work. Click here to read all about it.
  • Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Thursdays, June 13 – August 8, 2013, 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time. No class June 27. 8 weeks $395.Register Here. 
  • Horrible Food Wonderful Food: Investigating the Love/Hate Relationship with Eating And Food. Tuesdays, June 11 – July 30, 2013 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. Register Here.
  • Our Wonderful Sexuality: A Safe Place For Inquiry on Painful Thoughts About Sexuality. Fridays, July 12 – August 30, 2013 Noon – 1:30 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. Register Here. 
  • Mini Retreats Seattle. Saturdays, 6/15, 8/10, 9/7, 10/12, 11/30, 2013, 1:30-5:30 pm. Goldilocks Cottage. $70 includes intensive, handouts, tea and snacks, $55 repeater rate. Click here to register for mini-retreats:
  • Loving Your Body Breitenbush Hot Springs Retreat. June 26-30, 2013. For all the information please click HERE.

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The Fabulous Discovery of Not Being Special

Quick News: There is room in teleclass Earning Money, starting Thursday 5:15 pm Pacific, on diving in to the stressful beliefs about money, work, and business. Click here to read about it and register.

Here’s a beautiful note I received from a participant from this class:

Dear Grace,
Thank you. 
A year ago you gave me a discounted place on one of your business courses. I went into it open minded but not exactly sure what (if any) impact it would have.At the very outset of the course I remember you saying that we should deal with whatever will stop us from fully participating in the course. That simple challenge meant it was the first course that I have taken that I completely participated in (and I have taken a lot of courses).
I am still working with my issues around money however in terms of my business.... it doubled within a year of taking the course. Working with you was a major consciousness shift. It was a brilliant and worthwhile investment on many levels. Thank you for your valuable work – and very welcome grace notes. ~ Earning Money teleclass participant 2012

********

Other than upcoming teleclasses, this morning I am thinking about my recent travel. And being special (not).

Traveling by airplane is very, very bizarre, when you really think about it.

We humans can get on a big airplane that holds several hundred people, like an entire waiting room jam packed full, and all their bags and boxes, and the tubular unit (the jet) takes off into the sky and flies half way around the world at 30,000 feet.

That is sooooo bizarre.

Now, I am back in cool, gray Seattle, Washington where I normally apparently live. It’s morning here, and evening in Bali.

My brain is a little groggy.

My thoughts go something like this:

  • I should sleep all night without waking up
  • I wish I felt better physically, as in, energetic, well-rested, spunky!
  • My body has a life of its own…it seems confused about the hour of the day….and I don’t like it!
  • I wanted to be special and not have Jet Lag!

Ha! I want to be special!

One of my all-time favorite repetitive concepts, that I really don’t like to confess or mention, is all about being special.

This idea can appear just about anywhere.

It appears often for many humans in primary relationships, family situations, then work situations, creative endeavors, the urge to be “known” or  perhaps “famous”, loved, adored, special around health, time…you name it.

It’s a little embarrassing to admit having the idea “I am special”.

The mind has a voice that says “You are soooo special. You are not like all other people. Just look! You are clever! You are successful! You are an amazing manifester! You look young for your age! You’re a good athlete! You are quite a unique talent! You don’t even get Jet Lag! WOW!”

I call that the Pumper-Upper Voice. It gives assurance and pep talks and cheer-leading speeches, in an effort to feel relief, or dissolve worry, or deny that there is fear present about being ordinary, just like all other humans.

That voice that gets interested in being special is comparing yourself to everyone and everything else. It’s like there’s a huge gigantic competition, and where you fit in the percentiles actually matters.

That voice enjoys feeling like you might have a leg-up, part of an elite group, an outlier, lucky, a hard-worker….special.

Often in primary love relationships, we get very caught in thinking we are special because the other person thinks we’re special and we think they are special….specialness all around.

But no.

It’s the very same flip-side thinking as comparing yourself to others and to the universe and finding yourself lacking, less-than, worse-off by comparison.

I have a body, just like everyone else does. It is actually nothing special.

Neither is my mind, my journey, my relationships, my life experience.

The thing is, “getting” this idea at a most deep level (and we all really do get this)….that I am mediocre and ordinary and just like everyone else…can be the most wonderful, liberating, extraordinary thing.

Nothing to brace against, nothing to push towards, nothing to strive for. Simply alive, living this moment, being here….tired and knowing very little, not having any answers, on my way to death eventually.

Not trying to feel pumped, or encouraged, or bolstered up or full of big accomplishments as opposed to tired, normal, middle-aged (or whatever age you are) person.

Allowing everything about yourself to be as it is, without wishing it to be different, and without giving yourself a gold star either for accomplishment.

“Rejoicing in ordinary things is not sentimental or trite. It actually takes guts. Each time we drop our complaints and allow everyday good fortune to inspire us, we enter the warrior’s world.” ~ Pema Chodron

If right now, today, you loosen the grip of wishing you were something other than what you are, no matter how tiny the thoughts (like “I wish I wasn’t jet-lagged” or “I wish I had more money”) and see who you would be without the thought….you may have an inspiring, extraordinary, awesome feeling of relaxation.

No big deal.

If you let go of the complaints, you let go also of the compliments, the strutting, the feeling of control or better-ness or having a special spin on things…..and it’s really OK.

It’s more than OK, it’s so ordinary and sweet, without needing anything to be different….that it feels amazing.

Who would you be without the thought that you are special, different, exceptional, admired, or that it would be better if you were?

“The funny thing about enlightenment is that when it is authentic, there is no one to claim it. Enlightenment is very ordinary; it is nothing special. Rather than making you more special, it is going to make you less special. It plants you right in the center of a wonderful humility and innocence. Everyone else may or may not call you enlightened, but when you are enlightened the whole notion of enlightenment and someone who is enlightened is a big joke. ” ~ Adyashanti

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Due to great interest, I will likely start a Fall Group for the One Year Program of Inquiry on Thursday evenings Pacific Time (a different time option) beginning in September. I so love the joy people are drawn to in creating a group community sangha to investigate their stressful beliefs together for a whole year. Click here to read all about it.

P.P.S Two spaces left in Horrible Food Wonderful Food—join us on Tuesdays!

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Money Monkey Mind Bargaining

On my way out of Bali, as I sit in the busy airport here with many people scurrying by and tons of languages flowing through the air, I’m reflecting on all I’ve seen, learned, felt, and taken in for 3 weeks.

Here I am, ready to say goodbye to paradise (as the big sign says).

Interestingly, I have to tell you about a most fascinating travel experience, the opportunity here to discover underlying money beliefs….in the middle of a thing called bargaining.

Many countries of the world engage in “bargaining”. Negotiating, dickering, bantering, haggling, cuttin’ a deal, finding agreement.

In Bali, there were goods spread out in the market, with no prices on anything.

When I saw a beautiful lace traditional kind of sweater that I was interested in buying, and I asked “how much?” the woman said “how much do you want to offer?”

Gulp! Um. Er. Uh. Really?

This is killing me! The woman was waiting, looking, with penetrating eyes.

Quick–I looked around uncomfortably, with a shifting glance, hoping someone would step out of the woodwork to help me.

Stressful thoughts enter, like a little army marching in:

  • I could offer her anything? That’s too hard!
  • I can’t offer $5! She could get insulted and become angry, or withdraw, and then I won’t get what I want.
  • I have to know what the “insult” line is beforehand
  • If I offer too high and she says instantly “yes!” then I’ll be stuck knowing I paid more than I needed to pay, I’ll be obligated to cough up the money
  • I can’t change my mind
  • She thinks I’m rich (which is dangerous, if she doesn’t feel rich)
  • I might get tricked
  • I quit! I can’t shop here!

No! I don’t like the sweater! I walked away, without ever saying a word.

Lordy, the thoughts were suddenly there, BAM! Showing me what I imagined could be true in this strange moment of two humans from different sides of the world considering making a trade.

The thing that’s so fascinating about these beliefs, when I look at the list, is that often, we humans have these same kinds of beliefs in our relationship with other people when we want to ask them for something.

It doesn’t have to be money.

I decided to inquire and do The Work. I realize I’m imagining uncomfortable things can happen, and a big lack of trust.

I look at “she’ll get insulted if I make a low offer”.

I ask myself what is so frightening or bad about her getting insulted?

What about anyone in your life? Let’s say you want time, money, attention, connection, and you want the exchange to feel super easy for you (a “low” offer)?

What is worrisome about that?

Because I want this to go well, I want that person to like me, I want them to feel satisfied (not jipped), I want that person to feel good about interacting with me, I don’t want them to feel uncomfortable, everything needs to be fair….if they feel safe and secure, then I can feel safe and secure.

“It’s bad to insult someone by asking for something I want”.

Is that really true?

My first answer is yes. It feels like it’s bad. I don’t want to insult anyone. I need to be careful. I need to see everything from THEIR side as a form of protection.

But is it absolutely true that it’s BAD if I insult someone by asking for what I want?

No.

That person is allowed to feel whatever they feel, including insult.

That person has their own life, their experience, their beliefs.

And I do NOT know for sure that they are insulted, or that it is my fault if they are.

How do I react when I believe that it’s bad if I insult someone by asking for what I want?

Very careful. I stay quiet. I check out all angles on my wants before I speak up. I make sure I am appropriate, acceptable, that I anticipate someone else’s reaction before I ask anything.

I am in their business.

I treat them like they are unable to manage their feelings, that they could hurt me, that they could become offended (and that would be horrible).

I treat myself like I am capable of ruining someone’s day. I feel guilty, apologetic. I excuse myself or walk away. I don’t participate.

How do I react when I believe the thought “it’s bad to insult someone when asking for something I want?”

I do not ask for what I want.

Who would I be without the thought that I could insult someone at any given moment, and I need to be careful?

This does not mean I barge through, crush everyone in my way, elbow people out, walk over people, demand that I get what I want.

That’s the flip side of the exact same coin (speaking of money) of winning, losing, grabbing, controlling.

I have found that when people feel scared of offending other people when asking for what they want, another way they react is to put up a barrier, and demand what they want.

It’s not that.

Who would I really be if I didn’t believe the thought that the whole asking/responding dynamic MEANS risk, confusion, guilt, insult, fear, worry, should/shouldn’t, caring, love, approval, fairness?

What if anyone could ask anything, and then get an honest response…without it meaning something ELSE?

What if a “no” is fantastic and a “yes” is fantastic, both important, good, honorable, honest, simple?

Who would I be without the thought that I might insult someone if I ask for something I want?

I would be free. I wouldn’t have to be careful. I wouldn’t worry about the response of others when I ask for something.

I wouldn’t get mad at people for asking ME to do things I don’t want to do. I’d just say “no”.

I’d have a lot more fun asking for what I want!! I’d laugh when I got it, and chuckle and keep going (or not) when I didn’t.

I’d keep asking until I got what I wanted, like when Byron Katie suggests that if you need a job, go to the first store and say “will you hire me?” and if they say no, go to the next place, and keep asking if it takes 1000 people.

Turning this belief-system around about money and asking, I find an opposite recipe for how to live, without fear of negotiating when it comes to money, or anything else for that matter.

  • I could offer her anything? Oh how very exciting! WOW!
  • I can offer $5! She could get insulted and become angry, or withdraw, and then I can say, how about $10? I can check what’s right with me on the inside, and trust it.
  • If I offer too high and she says instantly “yes!” then I’ll be privileged knowing I paid exactly what I needed to pay, I’ll be honored to give the gift of money
  • I can always change my mind
  • She thinks I’m rich! Halleluia, that’s a great way to see me!
  • I might get blessed
  • I join! I can shop here!

I went back to the store a few days later, after self-inquiring.

Me and that shop owner had a fantastic time, laughing and making faces and communicating without speaking each other’s language, and I offered less than half and she said “no! no!” and frowned…and then I waited, and she made an offer back, and we laughed, and connected, and I now am flying home with a gorgeous pale pink lace hand made Balinese women’s sweater.

I had a blast haggling it out. Everybody happy.

If you find that you have money thoughts, and trouble asking, negotiating, setting fees, asking for a raise or a job….if you find you feel negative about money, and “earning” it or spending it or needing it or wanting it…

Come join the Money teleclass. We look at money, buying, selling, promoting, marketing, asking, not-enough, needing, wanting, believing stressful thoughts.

And if you really know you can’t spend the money to take the class…ask for what you want. You never know, you might get it, before you even have to ask 1,000 times!

“What stories we assign to pieces of paper! Rich or poor, we believe the same stories over and over again. Isn’t it time for you to end that suffering? Financial freedom is not about manifesting new cars or high-paying jobs. It is about being absolutely secure and loving whatever reality brings you. The truth is that you’re supposed to have exactly as much money as you have right now. No more, no less. How do you know when you’re supposed to have more? When you do. How do you know when you’re supposed to have less? When you do. Realizing this is true abundance. It leaves you without a care in the world.” ~ Byron Katie

Love, Grace

P.S. One space left in Horrible Food Wonderful Food starting Tuesday 5:15 pm Pacific time and two spaces left in the One Year Program of Small Group Inquiry together.

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That Wasn’t Worth It, Or Was It?

I got a wonderful email from an inquirer yesterday. I read it as the wind shook the huge banana leaves hanging above me, and thunder rolled in the distance, ready for a tropical Balinese storm.

The inquirer mentioned something that I could definitely relate to, agonizingly so in the past.

Why sign up for a retreat, workshop, training, even an educational degree when your experience so far with other programs is disappointing?

Why sign up when the thing you enrolled in was dang expensive, or required many hours of time, or involved boring homework…and then you weren’t sure it was worth it?

Such a great question. What makes something worth it?

When I think about the answer, and study building programs myself, and watch how other people do it…I come up with three important reasons why I’ve ever signed up for something:

  1. I wanted some kind of change, a result…maybe even desperately. I’ve signed up for programs to make more money, heal my relationship with food, feel healthier physically, learn how to make a website, change my stressful thinking.
  2. I was thrilled for the information, fascinated, learning about an entirely new human perspective, having an experience (this is the kind of “program” foreign travel offers—like visiting Bali)
  3. I knew the process itself would feel good and/or transformational, and I could even let go of the outcome (or I might even forget about it) because participating all by itself would be fun, enlightening, powerful.

The things that I have thought of as “worth it” most often have had all three parts present.

I remember when I was in graduate school for Applied Behavioral Science (it sounds a bit stuffy but basically, it was the study of human behavior and psychology).

The tuition was ginormous for me. I think the most money I had ever needed to come up with for anything in my entire life.

But I thought that the program would give me the result of a better and higher paying job, a better career life….more job responsibility, more money, more expertise.

I took loans, I received some gift funds from family, I put tuition on my credit card.

Part way through the first year, I knew that it was OK if I never used my degree, I was still so happy I had signed up. Because the people I met, the group-processing we did together, the lectures, the professors, the books, the coffee-house conversations…they were all fantastic right in that present moment.

I look back at the work involved in getting that degree, and I still think “that was worth it”. Even though for a couple of years, I DIDN’T “do” anything with the degree.

Everyone knows already that I think Byron Katie’s School for The Work was worth it. It was completely life-changing for me, coming at just the right time, with just what I needed to grow and expand myself in spirit.

But no one needs any programs. Except the ones they wind up signing up for!

The thing is, some courses or trainings, jobs, workshops, relationships, activities…they aren’t going to feel “worth it” in some ways. There may be gap in one of those three pieces I listed above that feels like its missing.

You might even feel like “that relationship was so NOT WORTH IT” or “that job was a waste of time” or “that educational program taught me nothing” or “I don’t have any more money now than I had before”….but I know there is something that we receive from everything we do.

“Any action is often better than no action, especially if you have been stuck in an unhappy situation for a long time. If it is a mistake, at least you learn something, in which case it’s no longer a mistake. If you remain stuck, you learn nothing.”~Eckhart Tolle

Last year I participated in a one year program with Stephan Bodian, the wonderful spiritual teacher who was also a psychologist for 30 years. I had never met him before, but I liked his book “Wake Up Now”.

His program is called The School for Awakening, which made me laugh (knowing you can’t ever guarantee awakening for anything or anyone). I knew he also thought that was funny, and I liked his sense of humor.

I let my thoughts bubble on it, for about a month, before I contacted Stephan and signed up. It was very strange, because I did not feel like I needed it, I did not feel like I must change, and I had no expectations in particular.

I also knew that if I did NOT like the other people, I would have work to do. If I did not like the format, or the schedule, or the flying, or the fee…I would write down my thoughts and question them and inquire. I would also speak up, if I thought it could go better or I had a suggestion (thank goodness I’ve learned this one over time).

My decision, that seemed more to make me than for me to make it, came more from #3 in the list above: just participating in the process, and seeing what happened.

To join with others, for me, makes it easier (and harder), more fun (sometimes less fun), an adventure, and I don’t float away and forget the divine grace that is present. I keep showing up.

I enjoyed our group so much, and Stephan, that I signed up to repeat it again. We were all investigators together, and the investigation continues.

Maybe that’s why humankind has made religious practice and ritual and ceremony and showing up in groups something vital for life, for thousands of years.

And that’s why I created the teleclasses and programs I facilitate, by the way. Because its so very fun, and there is so much learning, for me personally…and such a wonderful journey.

I love working with you, with the ones who are called at just this right timing, so we can all look together at stopping resistance, war, need, desperation, craving, grabbing, grasping, longing, wishing, worrying….

“Without even knowing it I started to investigate, in a quiet and very deep way, what it would be like not to be at war with my own mind, with what I felt, with my whole human experience.” ~ Adyashanti

Love, Grace

P.S. Several spaces left in the 8 week teleclass starting 6/13 Earning Money, exploring what we think and feel about money, business, our work, our jobs that brings on suffering, lack, anxiety and worry about the future. We start Thursdays 5:15 – 6:45 Pacific time.

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Make Thinking Easy By Thinking Real Hard

I’m high-lighting all the upcoming classes right here front and center, with the links to register or find out more, since so many of you have questions. Skip on down below this list for the daily Grace Note!

  • A Year Of Inquiry For The Addictive Mind: Life Support For The Compulsive Thinker. June 11, 2013 – May 20, 2014, Tuesday teleclasses 8 – 9:30 am * 2 in-person retreats Sept and March Seattle * Powerful Group work. Option to do teleclasses only for those living far away! Click here to read all about it.
  • Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Thursdays, June 13 – August 8, 2013, 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time. No class June 27. 8 weeks $395.Register Here. 
  • Horrible Food Wonderful Food: Investigating the Love/Hate Relationship with Eating And Food. Tuesdays, June 11 – July 30, 2013 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. Register Here.
  • Our Wonderful Sexuality: A Safe Place For Inquiry on Painful Thoughts About Sexuality. Fridays, July 12 – August 30, 2013 Noon – 1:30 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. Register Here. 
  • Mini Retreats Seattle. Saturdays, 6/15, 8/10, 9/7, 10/12, 11/30, 2013, 1:30-5:30 pm. Goldilocks Cottage. $70 includes intensive, handouts, tea and snacks, $55 repeater rate. Click here to register for mini-retreats:
  • Loving Your Body Breitenbush Hot Springs Retreat. June 26-30, 2013.For all the information please click HERE.

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I got a wonderful note from an inquirer the other day with a link about recovering from the anxious mind.

I was laughing out loud as I watched!

The little news video concludes that the solution to an obsessively thinking, anxious, compulsive mind is to dive into the thoughts and investigate them from every possible angle.

The news clip is a total spoof, but in it, there are some powerful grains of truth.

The true idea inside this funny video is that “the way out, is the way in”.

In other words, when you’re trying to beat your mind, crush your mental chatter, eliminate, go to war, destroy, alter, radically change your thinking….then what you resist persists.

As we’ve all heard, from Star Trek, RESISTANCE IS FUTILE.

So given that, let’s go ahead and dive full head on into the swimming pool of stressful thinking.

Let’s swim and immerse ourselves in it, so we see it, identify it clearly, wallow in it….and then capture just one of the thoughts, one at a time, and start to study and investigate it, with all our heart.

The Great Relief, thank goodness, are the steps and structure offered by inquiry, the four questions and then finding the turnarounds.

Without the capacity to inquire, we just believe everything we think…and get tied up in a ball of stress and anxiety that is sometimes almost unbearable.

At least that’s the way it was for me. Chasing after one belief, then another, then another, going around in circles VERY confused.

The Good News….the mind actually likes inquiry. It’s like it finally has something to do with all those compulsive, repetitive stressful thoughts.

At least that’s been my experience.

When I feel anxious, or like I’m ruminating and re-visiting a situation at hand over and over, when I FEEL the stress, then I know what to do!

Ask the four questions! Find the turnaround! Really consider that thought from every angle!

Thinking about it real hard….can become thinking about it real easy.

Yes, even THAT terrible situation that plagues you, maybe for many years. Even that person who hurt you, or that difficult loss, or that weird confusing experience.

You can do it, you can question your mind.

If you need the support of a group and a facilitator, then check out the classes above.

I myself did not do inquiry by myself for about 2 years after reading Loving What Is. I had to schedule myself to go to The School…and then, I needed to partner with a great facilitator for two years every single week…and then, I had to connect with tele classes of people doing The Work.

It was not easy for me to just sit down and do The Work, unless I was feeling tortured.

Join us for inquiry, if it’s right for you. Find a partner. Put it in your calendar.

Make thinking easy. If that’s all you do in your entire life….you’ve done something amazing.

Click here to have a chuckle! And then go question one of your stressful thoughts.

Love, Grace

If you like this article, forward it to friends, family or colleagues. To get on the list to receive these directly via email, go to www.workwithgrace.com and enter your email in the sidebar. Your email will not be sold or used for any other purpose than these Grace Notes articles and announcements. You can Unsubscribe at any time by clicking at the bottom of any newsletter.  

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Chicken Soup For The Nit-Picky Mind

News flash: Breitenbush has 2 spots free. Join us for an in-person inquiry retreat in Oregon June 26-30. It will be fabulous. Click here for all the info.

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Have you ever thought of yourself as being too negative?

You notice a little complaint rise up about the temperature, or you notice that your co-worker’s laugh is rather annoying, or you see how your artwork is never quite good enough, or your spouse keeps repeating himself the same irksome way.

Today I was hiking through the jungle in Bali. Really, it was Raiders of The Lost Ark along ancient-looking paved walkways and steep staircases descending to a valley, gigantic waterfalls, wild mist rolling in, long stone stair steps all the way back up to the top of the village perched on the edge of a volcano, stunning views of the Bali Sea sparkling for a second in the distant before huge dark warm clouds rolled in again.

As I was hiking, with eyes as big as lightbulbs, it occurred to me that I haven’t included in Grace Notes enough of the glorious, quite stunning, exotic and awe-striking aspects of this country that I’ve encountered.

I’ve been too negative, mentioning a few little forays into rather minor, although perhaps stressful, situations.

What will people think!?

If you’re too negative, people get fed up. If you’re too nit-picky, people can’t take it anymore and they leave. If you’re too critical, people say mean things to you. If you’re too pessimistic, people won’t give you what you want.

The way I see it, there are two very important (and stressful) belief-systems to question in this line of thinking:

  1. I need people, I need to be liked, I want to be loved, I dislike being alone.
  2. Can I question that thing I consider to be negative, nit-picky, critical, pessimistic?

Yes, so even if the thought seems minor, sort of stupid, not really that important…and petty, childish, and dumb…put it on paper, and take it to inquiry.

For example: “her voice is too sweet like fake maple syrup” or “I don’t talk about what is positive often enough” or “He should stop talking” or “I’m too nit-picky”.

So I decided to inquire.

What is going on in that moment when I have the thought “her voice is too fakey”?

Why do I care? What does it mean?

And what about the moment I think that being negative is bad?

“I need people to like me.” Is that actually true? Yes. It would be terrible if people hate me! It would be bad if that person with the fakey voice knew what I was thinking about her.

I really do need to be a positive person. It’s just better for the world….really? 

YES!

Can I absolutely KNOW that this is true?

YES! Positivity is better! Down with negativity!

How I react when I believe the thought that people, including me, should be positive all the time? Ack, it’s a lot of work. And feels dishonest, false, like an energy-drain.

I notice, also, that when someone else seems super-dee-dooper positive like Ned Flanders, I am judgmental of them. So there’s a line…this is not really logical. I just want to control the situation and have it go “well”.

Thinking that it’s better to be one certain way becomes a trap, and I stop being able to be freely whatever is here, in this moment.

Who would I be without the thought that positive is better…because I need to be liked?

What would that really be like to NOT have the thought that I need to be any different than I am, and that I need love, or that I don’t have it already?

I’d be in the present, here looking around, noticing the mind running on like usual (that rascal) and watching it go on about its preferences and dislikes…but not really believing any of it.

I’d have a nice conversation with the syrup-voice woman and find she’s very awesome, and I’d notice he doesn’t interrupt me about 98% of the time, and I’d realize that sometimes, it’s hilariously funny how negative the mind can get.

When I turn all the thoughts around, I discover that I’m not too negative, and sometimes I’m too positive (ha!) and I’m noticing just the right amount of tiny details (the nit-picky part) and I actually do not need that person, or anyone, to like me.

“As soon as you look at the world through an ideology you are finished. No reality fits an ideology. Life is beyond that…. That is why people are always searching for a meaning to life… Meaning is only found when you go beyond meaning. Life only makes sense when you perceive it as mystery and it makes no sense to the conceptualizing mind.” ~ Anthony de Mello

It is indeed a strange mystery that I never could have predicted a decade ago, or EVER, that I would be in another land called Bali.

I have learned so much, and watched my mind, and been delighted in the Course in Miracles idea being so vivid “I do not know what anything is for.”

And I also know that you don’t have to go here, ever, to have adventure. Life is a mystery, right where you are.

Love, Grace

P.S. Three spaces left in the One Year Program which starts on Tuesday, June 11th at 8:00 am Pacific time with our first 90 minute telecall…an inner adventure in reality. Also, 8 week MONEY class Thursdays, June 13th 5:15 pm – 6:45 pm Pacific time, and FOOD/EATING class Tuesdays, June 11th 5:15 pm – 6:45 pm.

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The Truth About Hiding Dirty Mental Laundry

Yesterday I shared the TOP 4 healing elements that offered me peace from the extremely compulsive way of thinking, and ACTING, that I used to engage in from time to time.

Well, OK, that I engaged in almost constantly.

I must confess, my mind still works at warp speed quite a bit of the time.

It’s not like I’ve stopped thinking. I see images, pictures, and scenarios either that I make up for the future, or that already happened in the past.

I have sounds or smells or voices pop into my consciousness. I have memories or visions come to mind in an instant. I experience uncomfortable feelings.

Even when I’m meditating sometimes, the mind sometimes has endless commentary.

But there is something very, very different about my experience that is hard to describe….and feels much easier than it once felt.

And often, it feels wondrous, alive, accepting, or joyful.

I think Byron Katie puts it best when she says that she thinks thoughts, but doesn’t BELIEVE them.

The second step that I mentioned yesterday, out of those top four components to healing a troubling relationship with “x” (you fill in the blank for yourself) was revealing my innermost thoughts and feelings to fellow companions in total honesty…NO HIDING or running away.

This is big. Pretty scary for just about everyone.

It’s exposing your dirty laundry! EEEGADS!

Thoughts about telling the truth of how we really feel…to OTHER PEOPLE…even thoughts ABOUT those other people right to their face…yikes, that can feel so incredibly frightening!

It’s like you know you’re not being utterly and truly honest, and you have questions, concerns, fears, or observations. You can ignore it or hold it in for longer, or you can bring it up.

NO! Not bring it UP! I don’t want to talk about it to that person! They’ll hate me! They’ll get angry!

I’ve got to show CLEAN laundry! Pretty laundry! Presentable laundry!

They’ll think I’m mean, selfish, rude! They’ll yell at me, or leave the room and slam the door, or ask for a divorce, or get super scared and run into the street screaming for help!

They’ll tell everyone they know, and everyone I know, what a nasty person I am that I mentioned this hurtful thing, that I asked for what I wanted, or that I spoke of my feelings.

Then MORE people will think I’m horrible than just that person to whom I told the truth of how I felt. News will spread and I’ll be rejected and no one will want to be my friend.

EVER AGAIN!

A war will start! Either a small personal emotional war, or WWIII.

“If I tell what I’m thinking OUT LOUD, then the other person(s) will suffer—and then I will suffer—and nothing good will come of it.”

That’s a belief. It can be questioned.

I remember hearing encouragement from various healing practitioners to tell the truth. The whole truth.

But I thought what I was thinking was so YUCKY and HORRID. I should be ashamed of myself just having these thoughts.

Early on, when doing The Work at my first school, I edited one of my worksheets when reading it out loud to my facilitator. I could read most of it but not THAT sentence.

The facilitator might judge me and be disgusted!

So let’s begin….is it true that if I tell the truth about my inner feelings and thoughts that some person, or people, will suffer or be repulsed?

Can I know for sure that it would be better to zip it? Can I know that if it hurts someone’s feelings, I should not speak it?

No.

OK, they might feel hurt. But can I know this is bad, in the great big scheme of things? Do I really have control of other peoples’ feelings?

No.

When I believe the thought that I should always keep quiet lest my words or feelings disturb someone else….then I become plastic. I become false. Energy gets stuck inside. I look nice on the outside, and feel angry, tormented, sad, or very anxious on the inside.

“Can you understand how the mind has a plan? You’re planning to fear war that isn’t even going on….but I invite you to wait for the real war, and live in a state of grace.” ~ Byron Katie

When I question my worried thoughts about revealing myself honestly, then I can breathe, and share myself.

I can write a worksheet that has EVERYTHING in it I ever imagined saying, and then NOT EDIT it when I’m reading it out loud to a facilitation partner.

What a relief.

And speaking these terrible thoughts, or wonderful thoughts, out loud and exposing them, and me….I actually become more accepting and loving.

Less afraid of war. And laundry.

I actually start getting excited about telling the truth. Even if it’s terrifying and I know that the person I speak it to might leave, or judge, or feel uncomfortable.

I do NOT know, absolutely, that what I am saying is “wrong”. I do not have an internal war going on before I even talk out loud. I don’t have a plan, or an idea to force things to move in a certain direction.

I don’t have an Outcome all worked out. I am open to going with the flow of the universe.

“What would it be like if we didn’t avoid anything we knew to be true? What if we came out of hiding in all areas of our life? What if we stopped avoiding ourselves completely? Because that really is the awakened life.” ~ Adyashanti

If you’re wanting to tell your secrets, to confess, to tell the truth, to listen, to come out of hiding, and to not run….then doing The Work can be one of the most sincere ways to begin.

With The Work, it may feel scary, but you are getting real with what’s going on in your own mind. You write down your most troubling thoughts, and get facilitated on them.

It may feel terrifying…but it’s worth it. It can bring you into an awakened life.

Note: Two 8 week teleclasses start in June to question your stressful thoughts about FOOD (Tuesday 5:15 Pacific 6/11) and also MONEY (Thursdays 5:15 Pacific 6/13). And of course the incredible One Year Program of diving in together starts June 11th (only two spots left for that).

If you’re called, come join us! Your truth deserves to be set free out in the open….so do you.

Much love, Grace