Author: Grace

Grace Bell is author of Grace Notes and facilitates individuals, groups, retreats and courses in The Work of Byron Katie. She supports people with eating issues, divorce, difficult feelings and relationship trouble to find peace.
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Being With People Healing Your Life

Many people have asked me over time how I ended my compulsive and addictive behavior, especially with food and eating.

Compulsive behavior can be one of the most painful cycles of human experience.

It’s lonely, desperate, grasping, repeats itself, and has “victim” stamped all over it.

On the surface, compulsive behavior looks like a terrible path. Like what freakin’ ding-a-ling would choose THAT?

It’s easy to see in someone else how unhappy they are, how stuck.

Drinking, eating, working, being helpful, over-exercising, dieting, using drugs, smoking, worrying, self-improving, checking email, cleaning, playing video games, watching TV, planning, shopping, porn, talking, researching the internet.

I once heard a woman share that to get over drinking alcohol, she formulated a structure to drink water instead. Even though she went to AA, she drank water every time she thought she had a craving for alcohol.

True story, she was at her doctor’s for drinking too much water, for suppressing her immune system and whatever else happens to bodies with too much water in them.

The definition of compulsive is to experience an irresistible, persistent impulse to do something.

It feels like a force that takes over consciousness…which brings in the VICTIM part. I am a victim of the force of this irresistible urge.

One thing I’ve talked about a lot is that the compulsive behavior is the result, it has to be the result, of compulsive thinking.

Even though it feels like the idea, craving, urge or command to eat comes out of the wild, blue yonder and descends like a cloud upon you…that’s the Great Illusion.

There was something there, in the mind, in the psyche, in consciousness, that was seen and believed and thought…and then a huge desire to avoid it, run from it, change it, transform it.

Work! Go running! Drink coffee! Drink rum! Consume!

Suddenly, the original worrisome idea, thought, dream, or memory vanishes and the mind is busy with something else instead. So it kinda works, temporarily.

I know I never would have eaten like a stark-raving lunatic if I hadn’t been deeply frightened, angry, confused, lost, or grief-stricken and been totally and completely against having these feelings.

I wanted to feel good, or neutral, or psyched at ALL TIMES.

I got really scared with almost any kind of strong feeling. I still get nervous sometimes.

One of the most powerful turning points for me in changing my cravings and urges was connecting with a group of people.

These people all were interested in being honest, open, authentic and understanding the truth for themselves.

The thing about getting truly close and vulnerable with other people is that; a) it is risky—someone may not love hearing what you’re really thinking if you speak it—they may leave, or fight, or dismiss you, and, b) you may not like yourself for what you’re thinking, let alone what you’re saying, and this feels pretty bad.

But telling the truth, exploring the truth, is worth it.

In fact, I would say that it is not just worth it, it is a matter of life or death.

A real, genuine, honest, powerful life….instead of a false, fakey, dishonest, powerless life…that feels like half-life or death.

When I stuffed myself, or drank a lot of alcohol, or smoked, or planned, or moved my home compulsively (I counted how many places I lived from age 18 to 30 once and it was like 22) I was either really nice, really fogged out or really hyped up.

Never calmly present. And I definitely never felt truly ALIVE.

The following items are the TOP FOUR things that helped me end really destructive compulsive behavior, apparently for….a very, very long time (these are also on my website page all about the One Year Program).

The very same four steps are what change my compulsive thinking, even without behaviors that are damaging.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve got compulsive cravings and urges, but they are much more subtle…and I welcome them coming along overall.

  1. Having a guide(s) or mentor(s) and fellow travelers along the road who could see sanity at the end of my tunnel…people who could feel confident of my path, trusting, even amused in response to the way I am thinking
  2. Revealing my innermost thoughts, feelings and experiences to companions in total honesty…NO HIDING or running away
  3. Being asked by a facilitator powerful, direct, lazer-sharp questions, and answering them honestly, so I could eventually ask them of myself
  4. Staying with compassion (picture an owner saying to the puppy “STAY!”). Staying with my feelings, sensations, or painful thoughts without condemning or dismissing them, so they can be truly seen.

People….a group. That was the first big healing step, the first thing that shifted a dramatic change in my behavior.

Being honest with other people, over time…allowing contact with them that was revealing, vulnerable, expressive….this made all the difference.

I stayed with my first group for three years, almost never missing our weekly sessions. My binge-eating stopped during that time. I never went back.

I’ll continue more with this theme during this week in other posts, the rest of the steps….

…but what I learned about connecting with people authentically in this path of self-inquiry is how to love.

By not running away from anyone, especially in my support group, and agreeing that I would be totally honest….then I learned true love.

Unconditional love.

“The Master has no mind of her own. She works with the mind of the people. She is good to people who are good. She is also good to people who aren’t good. This is true goodness. She trusts people who are trustworthy. She also trusts people who aren’t trustworthy. This is true trust.”~Tao Te Ching #49

If you’re ready to connect with a small group for either 2 months, or one year, or half a day (in person) then come on over to a group class. Check out the list below.

If not this, find a partner to do The Work with. Share yourself.

The more honest and compassionate, the less compulsive your thinking will be.

Love, Grace

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Learning The Three Greatest Treasures By Doing The Work

Oh so excited to begin the One Year Program in only ten days. If you’re on the fence, there are only a few spots left. We start Tuesday June 11th at 8:00 – 9:30 am Pacific time with the first teleconference call.

By the way, since many have asked, yes you can participate in the One Year program by teleclass sessions only, if you live too far away to attend the in-person retreats. You can elect to include the solo sessions with me (4 of them) or leave them out.

I am not offended, whatever your choice! Really!

I get that the teleclass-only option is less expensive and may be all you need or want. We meet generally the second, third and fourth Tuesdays of every month. The exact dates are on on my website if you click HERE then scroll to the bottom, along with details about payments and registration.

Here’s a very short, quick look-see at the programs starting soon:

  • A Year Of Inquiry For The Addictive Mind (compulsive, repetitive thinking about some situations, people, life). We go into one topic deeply every month. Amazing group of people. Commitment to join? Monthly payments, partial payments, or least expensive if you make one payment at the start. Read all details by clicking HERE.
  • Teleclass Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Thursdays, June 13 – August 8, 2013, 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time. No class June 27. 8 weeks $395. Register by clicking HERE.
  • Teleclass Horrible Food Wonderful Food: Investigating the Love/Hate Relationship with Eating And Food. Tuesdays, June 11 – July 30, 2013 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. Register by clicking HERE.
  • June 15, 1:30 – 5:30 pm Mini-Retreat In Person, Seattle $70 first time, $55 any subsequent time. 4 CEUs for mental health professionals.

Remember, always, to ask me by writing me if inability to pay is the only thing holding you back.

And with all these programs coming up, I made a decision to sign up for a one-year program myself, with a very small group and a teacher/guide/facilitator I love (Stephan Bodian, author of Wake Up Now).

Signing up for such a thing sometimes brings some major considerations…perhaps even doubts, or fears!

Committing to something long-term…now that’s dangerous. Like marriage, for example. Or going to college and plunking down all that money for a 4 (or more) year program.

  • I might change my mind part way through
  • I might hate it, once I’m “in”
  • The other people (or one other person) might drive me bonkers
  • It will use up too much time
  • It will cost too much money, emotional attention, energy
  • It won’t make me happier in the long run
  • I won’t find what I’m looking for!

It really is taking a chance to enroll in something and say “yes”. You can’t know exactly what it will be like, ever. There are no guarantees, the outcome is not certain.

But the process….for myself, I know the process, whatever it actually looks like…is something I want.

It’s like meditation…we would all think it would be CRAZY to think of promising that if you meditate regularly for one year, you will be enlightened.

Yet something about going into the silence of meditation…it is offered as a practice in nearly every religious community.

When I think about going through a process, enjoying the journey, then, when I look back at my experience when it’s all over, and I naturally ask myself “was that worth it?” then I usually say“absolutely”. 

I love how The Work and self-inquiry IS a process. It’s a sort of action/meditation. Every time I set aside time to “do” The Work, I become more naturally a person who is “done” by The Work.

In other words, as I’ve heard Byron Katie express it, I enter more and more automatically the Don’t Know Mind.

I begin to notice that I’m living in a place of openness and not knowing, of surrender and relaxation and rest. I wake up and am full of wonder about the day, and sort of delighted and waiting to see what happens.

I’m not so braced up against difficult events, when they do occur. Or, the bracing period is one heck of a lot shorter than it used to be.

The more I question my perceptions of reality, and really get that I have no idea what’s going on, but a curiosity about All This, then I find life more and more….well, fun.

Now I’m not saying that it’s ALWAYS fun. Because it’s not.

But I love having The Work as a process to engage in when I think things are not going well, or they are downright frightening.

Finally, something to do with this worried, speedy-quick, relentless mind!

Not long after I was at my first school, a wonderful inquirer and friend from that school and I agreed that we would meet on the phone every single Monday to exchange inquiry.

One of us would facilitate, one would answer the questions. I needed that pinned down on the schedule or I would NEVER get around to inquiry, not fully.

So I said YES to it. And we kept going. The “rules” were that either one of us could end this agreement at any time.

The difference it made in my life was phenomenal. It wasn’t magic, explosive, mind-blowing all in one instant. It was slow and steady over time, like the turtle in the race.

Part of my mind would say “who needs to do this work, not me…who needs to devote this much time to facilitation, not me…who needs to set up this framework of a structure, not me…I want freedom!”

But freedom was coming MORE from doing The Work than NOT doing it.

I guess that’s why humans have set up spiritual practices for thousands of years. The structure paradoxically seems to offer some sense of freedom.

So I have found the turnarounds to be true, for all my stressful thoughts about commitment and joining into programs, or getting married, or saying “yes” and setting up structure and the like.

These turnarounds look like this:

  • I might change my mind part way through—yes, likely some part of my mind will DEFINITELY decide to change. This is actually good news, and why I’m signing up–ha!
  • I might hate it, once I’m “in”—Well, I sure hope so, because then I can be right up against my fears, objections, and awareness of how I want to run or fight rather than question my thinking (Byron Katie herself sets up some exercises to offer the opportunity to face your fears in her school). ALSO I might LOVE it once I’m in!
  • The other people (or one other person) might drive me bonkers—halleluia! I’ll have the perfect real and up close experience for truly doing The Work! And wow, the other person might drive me sane! The people I connect with in any program, or my life partner, may give me the gift of peace.
  • It will use up too much time—and what else was I going to do with that time? Get obsessive? Worry? Live in my story? Watch TV? Work? Is there a better way to spend my time?
  • It will cost too much money, emotional attention, energy—the money it costs will be a stake in the ground for my commitment to awakening and learning (and I can do The Work on Money if I’m freaked out), my emotional attention is already going to other people and disturbing situations so why not give it FULL attention, and yes, investigating your reality takes energy. That’s why it’s called The Work.
  • It won’t make me happier in the long run—oooh, what a great chance to see what I think happiness is, and see if I can find happiness in the present (you can). No program is necessary. We all have everything we need to access peace, right now.
  • I won’t find what I’m looking for!—My favorite. I get to see, by having this stressful belief, that I believe something needs to be found. That I’m looking. I may have the chance here to enjoy the search instead of feeling so frustrated by it. And maybe even give up the search! WOW!

“Some say that my teaching is nonsense. Others call it lofty but impractical. But to those who have looked inside themselves, this nonsense makes perfect sense. And to those who put it into practice, this loftiness has roots that go deep. I have just three things to teach: simplicity, patience, compassion. These three are your greatest treasures. Simple in actions and in thoughts, you return to the source of being. Patient with both friends and enemies, you accord with the way things are. Compassionate toward yourself, you reconcile all beings in the world.”~Tao Te Ching #67

Doing The Work is the practice of receiving the teachings of simplicity, patience and compassion.

You teach them to yourself, these great treasures.

For me, this path of questioning my mind is stunning. This is what I came here for: returning to the source of my being, living in accord with the way things are, and feeling reconciled towards all beings in my life.

For me, this is worth making a commitment to. An understatement.

Love, Grace

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Bali Fumigation Escapades

Yesterday morning….here on BALI, mind you…I said out loud “OK, that’s it. I want to go home now.”

That’s called speaking before asking oneself if what you are saying is true. Which happens sometimes, although very rarely, I assure you.

This is better than always speaking without ever asking if it is true, which was my previous way of life.

What had happened was a series of little, shall we say,uncomfortable events: Jon and I decided to venture off to another part of the island for two nights, doing it on the cheap (in other words, a little hut would be OK).

We found an inexpensive bungalow to rent. Then someone on staff said “oh yeah, that’s right…there aren’t any 2-person bungalows, only 4-person bungalows, so we have to charge you for four people.”

Then, we had unpacked our stuff, and decided to lie down for a short rest inside the mosquito netting before hiking to the nearby beach.

Suddenly a huge motor fired up like a super loud leaf-blower outside the door, and moments later our room had fog pouring up from the floor boards and through the thatched roof cracks so that we couldn’t even see ourselves.

Some kind of mosquito fumigation. Oh goody!

Then a few hours later, in the middle of the night, since apparently that wasn’t enough clouded air for one day, a family living right behind our bungalow started burning a fire since it was lightly raining, and it burned for the rest of the night enough so that it woke us up with hurting throats and watering eyes.

All the rooster(s) at dawn didn’t bother us since we were already awake.

Ahhhh, life in the tropical jungle.

And now, 24 hours later, I find it rather funny that such a small series of little uncomfortable events can occur, producing a bad night’s sleep, and I’m ready to change my plane ticket.

But not really.

That’s the thing we humans do. We speak some words that seem to express what we’re experiencing, but often these words aren’t even close to the truth.

What I was really feeling in that moment was physical discomfort, tiredness, and worry.

Thoughts like “I will now die of cancer from whatever was in that mosquito-killing fog cloud! And this was supposed to be a vacation!”

Perhaps a little extreme, I confess. Too late now, if its true.

But that’s what fear does….it gets all riled up at a gut level and thinks of very dramatic consequences…like me lying on a bed rotting away from chemical poisoning.

Within an hour of morning, going down a gravel/dirt road and discovering a more posh expensive resort-like set of bungalows (which we checked into immediately) I was back to happy.

And really, even when my mouth was speaking, and I was imagining racing back to the safety of my familiar home…I was only saying for a second “I’m afraid”.

That’s all anyone is saying who speaks extreme words, makes brash statements, condemns, criticizes and attacks a whole country.

Within only a few hours of speaking it, I was laughing with my husband. Now he’s having fun saying to me every so often “Oh! You’re here! Glad you decided to stay!”

And I notice it’s back to quieter, more reflective me.

I also remember today that I am dying already….and I remember that I could just as easily be excited about that moment as worried about it. It works better to be excited, and it’s just as true.

And who said that dying won’t be a vacation? I mean, it will be the ultimate vacation. Forever!

“Those who know don’t talk. Those who talk don’t know. Close your mouth, block off your senses, blunt your sharpness, untie your knots, soften your glare, settle your dust. This is the primal identity.” ~ Tao Te Ching #56

I do notice, at least I think so, far less dramatic statements ushering from my lips over time, as I do The Work.

Or I go ahead and say the dramatic extreme statements, but find them hilarious.

Or, they pop into my mind and don’t get as far as my voice before I’m chuckling and noticing they aren’t true.

I’d say that’s progress.

Love, Grace

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Trauma Mirror, Mirror Therapy

Many inquiries for Breitenbush retreat, the One Year Inquiry program, and the upcoming June teleclasses! So excited to meet and be with all of you who are coming to in-person programs, including those of you flying thousands of miles to attend. I so LOVE that you are coming.

At Breitenbush, we will look deeply at our relationship to our own bodies, every part of it we don’t like or are worried about…and how this relationship expands out to our relationship with life, death and the universe.

Speaking of the body and difficult parts, I was reading recently of the phenomena of great pain in the body occurring long after a traumatic accident occurs.

I had to re-read the text, in this fascinating book entitled Mind Over Mind by Chris Berdik, to make sure I understood what was being said.

YES…people feel ongoing pain or itching or weird sensations that feel like its coming from parts of their body that are no longer there, or that no longer work.

Apparently, over time, many scientists and physicians and psychologists have tackled the problem of “phantom” pain.

Then a neuroscientist called Vilayanur Ramachandra created a process of making the mind “see” a pretend whole limb and voila, the pain or weird sensations subside for some people.

He calls it Mirror Therapy.

The way it works is that a mirror is held up to the whole, complete, un-lost or un-injured looking body part using a mirror. The mind sees a healthy, complete body part, where it was NOT perfect before, and the pain diminishes, or in some cases is gone.

They don’t really know why, they said in the book, and the results are not definitive….but as I read this, I considered self-inquiry on the body and the way a change in perception of what is can change the way we feel.

So what changed first when I did inquiry; my own mind and what it expected to see…or the actual body part I was looking at with disdain or upset?

Because regularly, throughout my life, I’ve had a few stressful thoughts about the body and what the eyes are seeing.

It happened again the other day, as a matter of fact.

I’m walking along the beach, happy as a clam, thinking about my friends, my clients, all the people I hear from on email, and the pretty weather, and the bulbous clouds, and hearing the sounds, and feeling the space of being on vacation and having no real plans…and then….

I glimpse at my reflection in the bungalow office window and immediately see nine things wrong with my image. And I could probably find more if I spent sixty more seconds thinking about it.

  1. tank top does not match skirt–where’s the color chart!
  2. feet are peeling and ugly and unfeminine, and these flip-flops are pretty ugly and worn out
  3. thighs should be thinner, stomach tighter
  4. jiggly butt, not firm enough, should be pure muscle
  5. hair color too orange, especially in this bright light…covering the gray is not exactly working “naturally”
  6. facial skin too wrinkled around the outer lips, like the cheeks are drooping to Texas
  7. same exact earrings since I left town…which by the way do not match the tank-top OR the skirt at all
  8. vein on left side of neck is huge, as usual since I first noticed it around age 19
  9. couple back on beach having wedding pictures taken, bride in pink and white, looked young, glorious and beautiful…those days are pretty much over for me

It used to be that these kinds of speedy images were very serious. I would then start in on solving these problems, or feel discouraged.

With a vengeance.

Time for Basic Training! Make a plan! Exercise More! CHANGE THE IMAGE IN THE MIRROR through doing stuff.

But since I’ve done The Work and questioned my thinking and very perception of this kind of stuff, and reading about this mirror therapy idea, I know the mind can change completely…the response to what it sees can change completely.

Eyes open, eyes closed, it doesn’t matter.

Who would we be if we didn’t believe the image truly meant something bad? What if we could allow the mind to look, and keep looking, and not turn away in horror or disappointment… but to let it wait and really look.

What if we just added a wee tad bit of an open-hearted, accepting attitude? Like we were listening to our best friend say how ugly she felt that morning, and we looked and saw only absolute beauty, even if yes, we agree that she has more wrinkles than she had twenty years ago.

Maybe we’d get used to this body and the images our mind apparently sees, and the feeling of being against what we see might subside.

What if you came from another planet and you didn’t know what a “perfect” body part was supposed to look like? What if you never learned about wrinkling skin being horrifying, or mis-matching apparel?

When I think about who I would be without the thought that any of those speedy quick images MEAN anything….wow. It would all be a big mumbo-jumbo potpourri of creative and changing pictures.

And the pictures would be fun, interesting, fascinating, intriguing, beautiful, ugly, and it wouldn’t matter…it’s just not that freakin’ serious, or real.

Then, you would be someone who lives without believing the thought that you need to change anything about your body in order to be deeply happy.

“It’s helpful to realize that this body that we have, this very body that’s sitting here right now on this shrine room floor……and this mind that we have at this very moment, are exactly what we need to be fully human, fully awake, and fully alive.”~Pema Chodron 

That means THIS body, with the big neck vein and the growing facial lines and jiggling areas….and the body that got cancer, is exactly what I need to be fully human, fully awake, and fully alive.

Turning it all around, I see the flash of images, in my head or in the mirror, and hold them all in my mind instead of brushing them aside and I LOOK….and everything that once seemed alarming now looks beautiful and sweet….or neutral.

Even the huge scar on my leg from removing a tumor.

So here’s an exercise for us all: try staring at something you think of as ugly or awful, and see what happens. Especially if you decide to bekind (hint: this is the turnaround)…you might be surprised.

You might see yourself as not so ugly….maybe gorgeous. Or at the very least, you will see what you are thinking about your appearance with clarity, and you can question it more completely.

Later, looking at myself in a mirror as I entered the bathroom to brush my teeth, I was startled to see how cute, attractive and appealing that image in the mirror looked.

What a cute smile! What an adorable person! That’s ME!

I guess, somehow, it’s what my mind expected so BOOM there it was…after questioning my thoughts of ugliness and decline.

If you’re ready to do inquiry, and do your mirror therapy, starting with this body you have, then come to Breitenbush. Last chance to register! We gather together in only one month!

Love, Grace

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No Effort Means Wispy, Passive, Jello-Brain…Right?

Do you ever worry about being too far gone, being a nut that’s just too hard to crack, that you won’t ever REALLY get it, or you won’t get there?

Gosh, I never think thoughts like that! (Not).

The other day I was considering the idea of life with no effort again…the whole concept of relaxing, waiting, being, accepting.

Sometimes, I must confess, it amazes me that it could even be possible to have a “good” life with no effort…I mean, really?

Aren’t we supposed to set goals, work very hard, push, use force, make demands, stand up for ourselves, and at least try to rise to the top?

YEAH! GO TEAM! ARRRRRR! (That’s roaring like a lion, or shaking your spear at the sky).

It feels like I might somehow turn into jello, or live a wasted life, if there is no force used, no effort.

Sometimes people say about questioning stressful thoughts that the process of inquiry could be strangely passive.

If I start loving what is, I may not care about anything, I’ll float around like a willow wisp smiling at everything I see.

But after doing The Work for a few years, I realized that when I really questioned my thinking…I had more access to reality than ever, including the times when something called for energy, action, movement.

In fact, sometimes these days I have strong, loud, passionate words and I speak them.

I feel more real, more alive, more vigorous.

Like I have a wider range of access to feelings, not like I’m fighting them or judging them or deciding I need to look any different.

Acceptance doesn’t necessarily look like all sweetness and pink light.

Sometimes it looks like “I am hanging up now, and please do not contact me again”. 

Sometimes acceptance looks like a person packing their bags and moving out, saying “no”, taking someone to the mental health emergency clinic, changing the airplane reservation.

Sometimes acceptance looks like “you cut me off, you told that lie, you hit me…so I am staying away from you so we both feel more peaceful and not so triggered.”

It is so much fun to be what you are, in this moment. Without trying to be spiritual or special or lovable.

One of my teachers, Stephen Bodian, told this zen story recently:

A student asked the master “it’s really hot in the monastery in the summer time, and in the winter it’s really cold…how do you DEAL with that?”

The master replied “go to a place where there is no cold and no hot.”

The student said “huh?” (I think it was more eloquent, but this is the Grace Bell regular dude version).

The master said something like “well…when you are extremely hot, be totally, agonizingly, completely brutally hot. And when you are extremely cold, be shivering, tight, bone-chilling cold…..you will simply move to take care of what you need to take care of, without arguing with reality. You will be in a place where there is no cold and no hot.”

If I just move towards what I move towards, then I am in the flow. I feel cold, I go get a blanket or I decide to leave that place, or I realize I’m actually fine and it’s no biggie.

I’m not all full of endless complaints about the temperature. I get it. It’s very efficient. I don’t start thinking about what should or shouldn’t be happening and plug into that for hours, days and weeks.

Loving what is has turned out to not be passive at all….it becomes more and more active the more I inquire.

And yet, no effort. At least a lot of the time. I forget and start moving into effort and force, when I think there’s no other way. When I get a little freaked out or scared.

And then I remember, let go. Open my hand up that is pushing with a tight closed fist and the mind that is thinking incessantly about all the ways it could “make” or force something to happen.

Today, how about letting things handle themselves? Who would I be without the thought that I need to deal, complain, make a better effort, or push?

I’d be oh so excited! Nothing to worry about! An observer, a watcher, in a really good, contented way. Not missing out.

Ready to play in this beautiful world! Here to breathe, be alive apparently (for now), and have fun.

“Wise men don’t need to prove their point; men who need to prove their point aren’t wise…… The Tao nourishes by not forcing. By not dominating, the Master leads.”~Tao Te Ching #81

If you find you could use some support around inquiry and Not Making An Effort when it comes to food, money or sex….then check out these three classes on these topics starting this summer. We inquire, question, investigate, and then sit back to see what happens. In my experience, it’s always good.

Much love, Grace

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They’re Trying To Cheat Me

Right now I’m sitting on a small porch of a bungalow hut with woven thatched roof while a gecko hangs out near me on the railing.

I had the odd experience of remembering several old friends today, people I haven’t talked with or seen in a long time.

As I sit here in the dark, warm night with the ocean not far away and sand still on my feet, I especially remember one dear friendship.

That mean, nasty, betraying, lying woman! I thought she was one of my best friends!

And she did the most outrageous, soap-opera-like, immature, sneaky, crazy thing….and it REALLY HURT.

Insert here a long sob story about what happened, what she did, how I responded, how terribly I was hurt, and all the pain, sadness, and angst it caused that was so extremely unnecessary.

But wait. How about skipping the story, and finding the wisdom and advantage and freedom in what occurred?

How about thinking about why this could have happened, right when it did, that was of benefit to all involved….especially me?

When someone seems to “betray” you or con you or trick you or lie to you…could there be any possibility of things going this way for a good reason?

Human beings are supposed to be honest, kind and loving. They should be trustworthy. They shouldn’t be creepy and double-cross other people. They shouldn’t try to fool me and charge me more because I’m a foreigner!

Is this true?

Um, that would be “no”. Because it’s obvious that while humans are honest, kind and loving, they are also dishonest, unkind and unloving. Everyone is it seems.

If I really attempt to find examples of how it was a good thing that the person did what they did, and I find these examples with great honesty and openness, I can find that positive things came out of what I was perceiving as betrayal:

  • I know so much now about money, business, clauses, rules, requirements, licenses…that I am more confident and clearer than ever about my professional status
  • I see how much trouble I had in saying “no” many times over the course of my life (and that friendship)–I was afraid to speak up! Now I’m looking more closely at this than ever.
  • All those times where I kept my feelings and thoughts to myself rather than share them…oh boy I was scared. Now I share anyway.
  • I haven’t liked confronting other human beings, I’m afraid they’ll hurt me, leave me, hate me. So I risked NOT asking for what I really want. Now I do.
  • I can stand in that person’s shoes, who is likely aware of how much money I had to spend to fly here to this country, and get that they think I have lots of money. I do compared to them.

I see once again how being upset at someone doing something surprising, that appears to be harmful to me, is a call to me to inquire…. and relax!

Instead, if I welcome people lying to and cheating on me…if I am willing to have it be true….if I look forward to it, open my arms to it, and begin to find advantages to it….

….then I feel strong, powerful, kind, steady, loving towards myself, responsible, curious, interested, aware.

I speak up and ask for what I really really want. I stand up for myself easily.

If someone says “no, I can’t give you that” then I appreciate them for being so honest…..and move on to the next person.

“You don’t get to vote on what is. Have you noticed?” ~ Byron Katie

I would love to hear your advantages, the things that came out of your experience of betrayal that were positive for you….leave a comment over at my website.

Love, Grace

P.S. If you’re wanting to inquire, look at your thinking in a new, open-minded way, and dissolve resentment about being betrayed, ever, then come join us on Tuesdays for a Year of Inquiry. Group support, persistence, learning, insight. Awesome!

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Holy Moment No Matter What, When, Where

One of my favorite inquirers sent me a quote by Geneen Roth from her book Women, Food and God (which I highly recommend).

In the passage, Geneen writes that holiness is not in what we achieve or eat or weigh.

It reminded me of the sweet awareness that holiness is also not here in Bali, in some extra special way, or out there on a Hawaiian vacation, or in Mexico, or in Paris, or London, or Istanbul.

Holiness, or the awe of this world, can come upon you in a moment, in your mind.

You might be taking out the garbage, and then suddenly think about All This, and the strange, wild magic of it all.

That is a little moment of awe or holiness. It’s like you wake up from a trance…or a tendency to pop from one thought to another in a sort of speedy-zipping way, and you get a bigger view of everything.

So back to Geneen and her most important topic….food and eating.

As so many of you know, also my most important topic, or so it seemed, for many years. I say most important because it was a matter of life or death.

Starvation, limits, stuffing, emptiness, desperation, panic, doubt, determination….all these elements were present in my relationship with food and eating. It was in my mind constantly.

I would NOT have said it was holy. It seemed like anything BUT holy.

Food and how I felt about eating and my body was dark, terrible, full of anxiety, and totally twisted and confusing.

I was a total scaredy cat in my mind. This world was not holy, my body not holy, many people not holy, money not holy, my mind not holy, my work not holy, my thoughts not holy.

No wonder I was so freaked out so much of the time! Day to day life was a danger zone!

The way I viewed the universe quite a bit of the time, if you had asked me, was that it was profane, an abomination, unconsecrated…. all the opposites of holy.

And I was a part of the universe, of course.

But what if this moment, this next hour, is a holy one? No matter where you are, no matter what you’ve done, no matter what is going on around you?

What if it’s this way for some important reason…and you don’t even need to know what reason?

What if when it came to food and eating, that most important baseline wonderful topic, you imagined that just for a moment today (if that’s all you can do) or for the entire day, that you are an incredible holy entity that you have been gifted with caring for.

In this caring, you close your eyes and feel what this body needs, and with gratitude and perhaps awe, you cared for it like it is a most sacred visitor…like Jesus, or Rama, or your fairy godmother arrived to stay with you?

Don’t think about permanently changing your relationship with food and eating. Don’t think about losing twenty pounds, or dieting, or punishing yourself, or exercising, or healing.

This exercise in seeing what is holy around you is for now only, dropping all the plans for the future.

Dropping all thoughts that holiness will appear when you weigh, eat, or do something different.

If you begin to think of ways your life is not going well, or that you can’t do this exercise, then write them down—you can do The Work on these, they are like gold for your awareness.

Holiness is right here in this moment, not because the moment has wealth, happiness, money, or a perfect body in it…not because this moment is in Bali or someplace that looks pretty!

Anyone can do this exercise, it is for everybody. You could be sitting beside a road on a freeway in a pile of garbage. You don’t need any special information or to go somewhere or understand better.

“To acquire happiness you don’t have to do anything, because happiness cannot be acquired. Does anybody know why? Because we have it already. How can you acquire what you already have? Then why don’t you experience it? Because you’ve got to drop something. You’ve got to drop illusions. You don’t have to add anything in order to be happy; you’ve got to drop something. Life is easy, life is delightful.”~Anthony De Mello

Even right here, traveling, my whole entire diet is completely different than it is at home (so I think). But it turns out the humans eat here, and have plates and stores and gardens and stoves.

Once again, all I have to do is take care of this particular body, today, and un-learn and un-know whatever I think has to happen to make things holy around here.

Love,
Grace
P.S. I eat papaya, mango, banana, honeydew, watermelon, sticky rice and meat on a stick almost every meal, it seems. OMG where are the green vegetables? “I’m supposed to eat tons of raw green veggies every day.” IS IT TRUE?
P.P.S. If you’re ready to question your stressful thoughts about food and eating, we start an 8 week telecourse soon on this topic–check out the website www.workwithgrace.com

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Free Group Inquiry Scoop

Many people wrote to me recently (thank you all so much) and I am called to respond to one of the most common requests I’ve received: you would love a chance to do one trial teleclass with a small group without signing up for a big long course, or maybe even a 2 month course.

You want to try out group inquiry first!

Makes so much sense to me! I would want the exact same thing, some idea of what it might be like to do something to see if it would be a good fit for me.

So—I’m offering two live teleclasses on Monday, June 10th at both 8:15 am and 5:15 pm Pacific Time for 90 minutes.

Anyone can come join the call and participate, or just listen, and connect with like-minded inquirers to work through a stressful belief.

There is no fee for this.

Here are the instructions for joining the inquiry call. With phone, just dial the number and then enter the pin code.

If you are using skype from anywhere in the world, open your key pad and enter “joinconference” in the place you would put a phone number, call it, and you will be connected. Then locate the key pad again and enter in the six code number.

Title: Work With Grace Inquiry
Time: Monday, June 10th at 8:15am Pacific AND/OR 5:15 pm Pacific
Listening method: Phone or Skype
 Phone number: (206) 402-0100 or “join conference” with Skype
PIN Code: 305799#

If you like, bring to the call a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet already filled out on a very stressful situation you hold in your mind.

This can be a current stressful situation or one from the long-distant past that creates sadness, anger, upset, fear, worry, frustration or irritation.

Visualize the scene that is most troubling in that memory. See the person who is annoying or frightening to you. Remember what they said and did, then write short, simple sentences on your worksheet.

Whatever group assembles, we will move through inquiry together and question a painful belief.

You can just listen, or you can participate actively.

You can be on the call even if you don’t have a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet.

Your presence will be appreciated and just being there will make a difference for you and for the group.

This won’t be a call for sharing long stories or speaking about your stressful experiences in detail. This will be a call for the power of group inquiry together. My favorite!

Love, Grace

P.S. The One Year Program starts on Tuesday, June 11th and I will include more information about it very soon. Important to know is that YES, you can join only the teleclass portion of the program (no in-person retreats or solo sessions) AND you can make payments for the program in small chunks that work for you per month. Write and ask me about this.

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Why Am I Here?

Last New Year, and the year prior, I asked for “top three stressful thoughts” you were experiencing, if you felt like writing them down.

This popped into my mind as I drove for several hours looking out at a road lined with everything unusual and strange.

As I stared out the window of the van in which I was a back seat passenger, my mind was full of questions like “I wonder why there is a temple every few hundred feet along the road? I wonder why everyone is flying kites? I wonder where those men are taking that gigantic dead pig that they’re trying to get through a narrow doorway? I wonder what’s in the lined up yellow glass bottles near every store?”

Some questions I asked the driver, who was native to this place (he pointed out the home of his grandmother as we sped by) but more questions were filling my brain than could be asked….at least this was another thought, that I really couldn’t ask EVERYTHING.

It’s weird but the mind appears to be filled and flowing with QUESTIONS. About everything it doesn’t quite understand.

Then my husband, over lunch, innocently asked about plans and ideas for tomorrow…and the conversation moved into thoughts about the days ahead here on Bali.

Which led me to thinking later, in the car again, about the top things I wanted to see while here that I had heard about in the past, and how I wanted to feel once I departed….which led me to reflecting on what I came here to see, do, think, feel, or explore….

Which reminded me of one of the Top Three Stressful Thoughts I had heard about from people back at the New Year.

One of the top three stressful thoughts?

“Why Am I Here?”

This can sometimes be a fun or neutral-feeling question….and it can tip over into stressful really quickly, the way the speedy mind seeks for clear answers and demands them NOW.

Suddenly, I could relate. I wondered why I was here in Indonesia, on the island of Bali? I mean, really?

Why am I here? What’s my purpose? What am I doing? What should I do next? Where is this heading? What’s the reason for my existence?

Sometimes….these kinds of thoughts enter when on a journey far, far away from home.

What the heck am I doing HERE?

There’s a little stressy thought as the mind becomes ready to derail anything you could possibly answer that question with…because nothing will be a good enough answer, it thinks.

Left up to the mind to answer that question, there really won’t be any solid satisfaction…. because IT DOESN’T KNOW!

The wise-man answers to these WHY questions say things like, “you are here to live, you are here to love, you are here to be!” 

But! There has to be a better, more interesting, more elaborate, detailed, fascinating, adventurous, personal reason to why I’m here…more unique perhaps, something that makes me special?

And then, do you notice the feelings within, when considering WHY YOU ARE HERE become sort of sparked? Maybe frustrated? Grabby? Demanding? Pushy? Wanting?

I NEED TO KNOW!

I need to know why I’m here, why I exist, why I’m with that person, why that upsetting thing happened, why I’m visiting this place, why I live here, why I travel there, why I got sick, why I suffer, or what my purpose is!

Stop! Hold your horses!

Inquire. Is that true that I need to know why I’m here?

YES! I MUST find my answer! I will achieve, conquer, gain, and realize my goal…or… something! I need to understand! I need to have magical events occur! I need to find something! I want to make a discovery! I want to get this!

Can I absolutely know that this is true?

When I believe the thoughts that I need to know WHY and WHAT FOR then I notice I get all charged up (at best) and get furious or depressed (at worst).

Who would I be without the thought that I need to know what my life is for and why I’m here and what to do next?

What if I really unhitched from that belief and loosened the grip, let it go altogether, just let everything be the way it is, including me and my purpose (or lack of it)?

I turn that thought around, and in this day, here, I see how I do not need to know why anything is the way it is.

I am still alive, I am still here (so far), I am taking in my environment…I see, hear, touch, taste, smell, feel, think….rest, sit, watch, wonder, observe.

I’m still at this moment, apparently, seeing a full moon set through a very thick jungle forest, hearing infinite sounds and hoots and buzzes and around me.

I found out everyone here builds a temple in front of their family home, people fly kites when they harvest the rice, I have no idea where they were taking the pig but my guess is they will eat it, and the pretty glass bottles everywhere are full of petrol.

Noticing the mind, allowing it also to be here…thinking, assessing, commenting, feeling the feeling of not knowing what basic things are for, not knowing what anything is for.

Mind here too, present and busy and not needing to know anything definitive…it doesn’t need to know, because it clearly doesn’t, and life goes on.

Here I am visiting the inner land of I Do Not Know What Anything Is For.

Could this be fine? More than fine?

Are you sure you need to know why you’re here, or have a clear “better” purpose than you think you have?

“If you want to be a great leader, you must learn to follow the Tao. Stop trying to control. Let go of fixed plans and concepts, and the world will govern itself.” ~Tao Te Ching #57

Much love, Grace

Learn About All Teleclasses Here 

  • A Year Of Inquiry For The Addictive Mind: Life Support For The Compulsive Thinker. June 11, 2013 – May 2014, Tuesday teleclasses * 2 in-person retreats * Powerful Group work. Click here to read all about it.
  • Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Thursdays, June 13 – August 8, 2013, 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time. No class June 27. 8 weeks $395.Register Here. 
  • Pain, Sickness and Death: Making Friends With The Worst That Happens In Life.  Stay tuned for fall class. 6 weeks $295. 
  • Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven: Working With Painful Hate, Anger, Fury, Despair, Grief, or Disappointment With Someone; Spouse, Mother, Sibling, Father, Daughter, Son, Boss, Neighbor, Friend. Fridays, March 29 – May 17, 2013 8:00 am – 9:30 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. Register Here.  
  • Horrible Food Wonderful Food: Investigating the Love/Hate Relationship with Eating And Food. Tuesdays, June 11 – July 30, 2013 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. Register Here.
  • Our Wonderful Sexuality: A Safe Place For Inquiry on Painful Thoughts About Sexuality. Fridays, July 12 – August 30, 2013 Noon – 1:30 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. Register Here.    

In Person workshops:

  •  Mini Retreats Seattle. Saturdays 2013, May 18, June 15, August 10, Sept 7, October 12, November 30. 1:30-5:30 pm. Goldilocks Cottage. First time $70 includes curriculum, handouts, tea and snacks. $55 for any subsequent mini-retreat. Come for regular practice and community. Earn 4 CEUs for mental health practitioners.
  •  Click here to register for any mini-retreat:
  • Loving Your Body Breitenbush Hot Springs Retreat. June 26-30, 2013. For all the information please click HERE.

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I Should Do Something Else

I should do something else. 

What a curious and interesting, and sometimes VERY stressful thought.

Today, for the second day in a row, my husband and I got “stuck” in a huge, thundering, massive downpour of rain and we ducked inside an open-air restaurant to wait it out.

The restaurant is a huge white tent on a round wooden platform amidst rice paddies, near a narrow walking trail which is used by scooters, motorcycles and foot traffic.

No wide roads to this restaurant, no big vehicles. Everything has to be carried or wheeled here.

It turns out there’s wifi, so here I am on the internet in Bali.

Then I had the thought “we should be seeing more….we should do something else.”

Because yesterday, we were here in the same restaurant, also in the middle of a huge afternoon thunder and lightening storm.

There is so much to see and do! We don’t have much time here! This is all nice and everything, but we should be in a different restaurant exploring something else.

Oops, er…wait. Halt!

Fortunately, I can catch myself quickly when doing this line of thinking.

Because I know, I will never, ever see everything, do everything, experience every place….this in fact would be impossible.

Having the thought that in this present moment, I should be somewhere else, be with someone different, or be having another experience than I am having is actually quite a bizarre thought.

With that line of thinking, the present is uncomfortable, less than, not quite perfect….or even terrible.

Not good enough.

Who would I be without the thought that I should be doing anything different? That I am missing something? That this moment should be altered somehow?

So relaxed, it’s amazing. To really deeply feel this moment as absolutely fine…WOW.

No need to do anything, go anywhere, change anyone.

Remarkable really.

I look around at the wooden floor, the plant next to me as I type, the straw woven chair, the ducks flapping their wings outside, the delicate drops of rain now, the gray sky….and I am amazed at the beauty and the strangeness.

Relaxed mind, relaxed body. Noticing that soon, I will get up and walk outside now that the rain has stopped.

When I turn the thought around, my original concept becomes “I shouldn’t do anything else.” 

This is amazingly radical. Can you imagine never having this thought again that you should do something else than whatever you’re doing?

What if this is the exact best thing I could possibly be doing, here now in this moment? Sitting in the same restaurant, two afternoons in a row, talking with the same family who works here….typing, reading, listening, being.

Why not?

“Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

Much love, Grace