Yesterday morning….here on BALI, mind you…I said out loud “OK, that’s it. I want to go home now.”
That’s called speaking before asking oneself if what you are saying is true. Which happens sometimes, although very rarely, I assure you.
This is better than always speaking without ever asking if it is true, which was my previous way of life.
What had happened was a series of little, shall we say,uncomfortable events: Jon and I decided to venture off to another part of the island for two nights, doing it on the cheap (in other words, a little hut would be OK).
We found an inexpensive bungalow to rent. Then someone on staff said “oh yeah, that’s right…there aren’t any 2-person bungalows, only 4-person bungalows, so we have to charge you for four people.”
Then, we had unpacked our stuff, and decided to lie down for a short rest inside the mosquito netting before hiking to the nearby beach.
Suddenly a huge motor fired up like a super loud leaf-blower outside the door, and moments later our room had fog pouring up from the floor boards and through the thatched roof cracks so that we couldn’t even see ourselves.
Some kind of mosquito fumigation. Oh goody!
Then a few hours later, in the middle of the night, since apparently that wasn’t enough clouded air for one day, a family living right behind our bungalow started burning a fire since it was lightly raining, and it burned for the rest of the night enough so that it woke us up with hurting throats and watering eyes.
All the rooster(s) at dawn didn’t bother us since we were already awake.
Ahhhh, life in the tropical jungle.
And now, 24 hours later, I find it rather funny that such a small series of little uncomfortable events can occur, producing a bad night’s sleep, and I’m ready to change my plane ticket.
But not really.
That’s the thing we humans do. We speak some words that seem to express what we’re experiencing, but often these words aren’t even close to the truth.
What I was really feeling in that moment was physical discomfort, tiredness, and worry.
Thoughts like “I will now die of cancer from whatever was in that mosquito-killing fog cloud! And this was supposed to be a vacation!”
Perhaps a little extreme, I confess. Too late now, if its true.
But that’s what fear does….it gets all riled up at a gut level and thinks of very dramatic consequences…like me lying on a bed rotting away from chemical poisoning.
Within an hour of morning, going down a gravel/dirt road and discovering a more posh expensive resort-like set of bungalows (which we checked into immediately) I was back to happy.
And really, even when my mouth was speaking, and I was imagining racing back to the safety of my familiar home…I was only saying for a second “I’m afraid”.
That’s all anyone is saying who speaks extreme words, makes brash statements, condemns, criticizes and attacks a whole country.
Within only a few hours of speaking it, I was laughing with my husband. Now he’s having fun saying to me every so often “Oh! You’re here! Glad you decided to stay!”
And I notice it’s back to quieter, more reflective me.
I also remember today that I am dying already….and I remember that I could just as easily be excited about that moment as worried about it. It works better to be excited, and it’s just as true.
And who said that dying won’t be a vacation? I mean, it will be the ultimate vacation. Forever!
“Those who know don’t talk. Those who talk don’t know. Close your mouth, block off your senses, blunt your sharpness, untie your knots, soften your glare, settle your dust. This is the primal identity.” ~ Tao Te Ching #56
I do notice, at least I think so, far less dramatic statements ushering from my lips over time, as I do The Work.
Or I go ahead and say the dramatic extreme statements, but find them hilarious.
Or, they pop into my mind and don’t get as far as my voice before I’m chuckling and noticing they aren’t true.
I’d say that’s progress.
Love, Grace