Author: Grace

Grace Bell is author of Grace Notes and facilitates individuals, groups, retreats and courses in The Work of Byron Katie. She supports people with eating issues, divorce, difficult feelings and relationship trouble to find peace.
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Free Group Inquiry Scoop

Many people wrote to me recently (thank you all so much) and I am called to respond to one of the most common requests I’ve received: you would love a chance to do one trial teleclass with a small group without signing up for a big long course, or maybe even a 2 month course.

You want to try out group inquiry first!

Makes so much sense to me! I would want the exact same thing, some idea of what it might be like to do something to see if it would be a good fit for me.

So—I’m offering two live teleclasses on Monday, June 10th at both 8:15 am and 5:15 pm Pacific Time for 90 minutes.

Anyone can come join the call and participate, or just listen, and connect with like-minded inquirers to work through a stressful belief.

There is no fee for this.

Here are the instructions for joining the inquiry call. With phone, just dial the number and then enter the pin code.

If you are using skype from anywhere in the world, open your key pad and enter “joinconference” in the place you would put a phone number, call it, and you will be connected. Then locate the key pad again and enter in the six code number.

Title: Work With Grace Inquiry
Time: Monday, June 10th at 8:15am Pacific AND/OR 5:15 pm Pacific
Listening method: Phone or Skype
 Phone number: (206) 402-0100 or “join conference” with Skype
PIN Code: 305799#

If you like, bring to the call a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet already filled out on a very stressful situation you hold in your mind.

This can be a current stressful situation or one from the long-distant past that creates sadness, anger, upset, fear, worry, frustration or irritation.

Visualize the scene that is most troubling in that memory. See the person who is annoying or frightening to you. Remember what they said and did, then write short, simple sentences on your worksheet.

Whatever group assembles, we will move through inquiry together and question a painful belief.

You can just listen, or you can participate actively.

You can be on the call even if you don’t have a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet.

Your presence will be appreciated and just being there will make a difference for you and for the group.

This won’t be a call for sharing long stories or speaking about your stressful experiences in detail. This will be a call for the power of group inquiry together. My favorite!

Love, Grace

P.S. The One Year Program starts on Tuesday, June 11th and I will include more information about it very soon. Important to know is that YES, you can join only the teleclass portion of the program (no in-person retreats or solo sessions) AND you can make payments for the program in small chunks that work for you per month. Write and ask me about this.

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Why Am I Here?

Last New Year, and the year prior, I asked for “top three stressful thoughts” you were experiencing, if you felt like writing them down.

This popped into my mind as I drove for several hours looking out at a road lined with everything unusual and strange.

As I stared out the window of the van in which I was a back seat passenger, my mind was full of questions like “I wonder why there is a temple every few hundred feet along the road? I wonder why everyone is flying kites? I wonder where those men are taking that gigantic dead pig that they’re trying to get through a narrow doorway? I wonder what’s in the lined up yellow glass bottles near every store?”

Some questions I asked the driver, who was native to this place (he pointed out the home of his grandmother as we sped by) but more questions were filling my brain than could be asked….at least this was another thought, that I really couldn’t ask EVERYTHING.

It’s weird but the mind appears to be filled and flowing with QUESTIONS. About everything it doesn’t quite understand.

Then my husband, over lunch, innocently asked about plans and ideas for tomorrow…and the conversation moved into thoughts about the days ahead here on Bali.

Which led me to thinking later, in the car again, about the top things I wanted to see while here that I had heard about in the past, and how I wanted to feel once I departed….which led me to reflecting on what I came here to see, do, think, feel, or explore….

Which reminded me of one of the Top Three Stressful Thoughts I had heard about from people back at the New Year.

One of the top three stressful thoughts?

“Why Am I Here?”

This can sometimes be a fun or neutral-feeling question….and it can tip over into stressful really quickly, the way the speedy mind seeks for clear answers and demands them NOW.

Suddenly, I could relate. I wondered why I was here in Indonesia, on the island of Bali? I mean, really?

Why am I here? What’s my purpose? What am I doing? What should I do next? Where is this heading? What’s the reason for my existence?

Sometimes….these kinds of thoughts enter when on a journey far, far away from home.

What the heck am I doing HERE?

There’s a little stressy thought as the mind becomes ready to derail anything you could possibly answer that question with…because nothing will be a good enough answer, it thinks.

Left up to the mind to answer that question, there really won’t be any solid satisfaction…. because IT DOESN’T KNOW!

The wise-man answers to these WHY questions say things like, “you are here to live, you are here to love, you are here to be!” 

But! There has to be a better, more interesting, more elaborate, detailed, fascinating, adventurous, personal reason to why I’m here…more unique perhaps, something that makes me special?

And then, do you notice the feelings within, when considering WHY YOU ARE HERE become sort of sparked? Maybe frustrated? Grabby? Demanding? Pushy? Wanting?

I NEED TO KNOW!

I need to know why I’m here, why I exist, why I’m with that person, why that upsetting thing happened, why I’m visiting this place, why I live here, why I travel there, why I got sick, why I suffer, or what my purpose is!

Stop! Hold your horses!

Inquire. Is that true that I need to know why I’m here?

YES! I MUST find my answer! I will achieve, conquer, gain, and realize my goal…or… something! I need to understand! I need to have magical events occur! I need to find something! I want to make a discovery! I want to get this!

Can I absolutely know that this is true?

When I believe the thoughts that I need to know WHY and WHAT FOR then I notice I get all charged up (at best) and get furious or depressed (at worst).

Who would I be without the thought that I need to know what my life is for and why I’m here and what to do next?

What if I really unhitched from that belief and loosened the grip, let it go altogether, just let everything be the way it is, including me and my purpose (or lack of it)?

I turn that thought around, and in this day, here, I see how I do not need to know why anything is the way it is.

I am still alive, I am still here (so far), I am taking in my environment…I see, hear, touch, taste, smell, feel, think….rest, sit, watch, wonder, observe.

I’m still at this moment, apparently, seeing a full moon set through a very thick jungle forest, hearing infinite sounds and hoots and buzzes and around me.

I found out everyone here builds a temple in front of their family home, people fly kites when they harvest the rice, I have no idea where they were taking the pig but my guess is they will eat it, and the pretty glass bottles everywhere are full of petrol.

Noticing the mind, allowing it also to be here…thinking, assessing, commenting, feeling the feeling of not knowing what basic things are for, not knowing what anything is for.

Mind here too, present and busy and not needing to know anything definitive…it doesn’t need to know, because it clearly doesn’t, and life goes on.

Here I am visiting the inner land of I Do Not Know What Anything Is For.

Could this be fine? More than fine?

Are you sure you need to know why you’re here, or have a clear “better” purpose than you think you have?

“If you want to be a great leader, you must learn to follow the Tao. Stop trying to control. Let go of fixed plans and concepts, and the world will govern itself.” ~Tao Te Ching #57

Much love, Grace

Learn About All Teleclasses Here 

  • A Year Of Inquiry For The Addictive Mind: Life Support For The Compulsive Thinker. June 11, 2013 – May 2014, Tuesday teleclasses * 2 in-person retreats * Powerful Group work. Click here to read all about it.
  • Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Thursdays, June 13 – August 8, 2013, 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time. No class June 27. 8 weeks $395.Register Here. 
  • Pain, Sickness and Death: Making Friends With The Worst That Happens In Life.  Stay tuned for fall class. 6 weeks $295. 
  • Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven: Working With Painful Hate, Anger, Fury, Despair, Grief, or Disappointment With Someone; Spouse, Mother, Sibling, Father, Daughter, Son, Boss, Neighbor, Friend. Fridays, March 29 – May 17, 2013 8:00 am – 9:30 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. Register Here.  
  • Horrible Food Wonderful Food: Investigating the Love/Hate Relationship with Eating And Food. Tuesdays, June 11 – July 30, 2013 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. Register Here.
  • Our Wonderful Sexuality: A Safe Place For Inquiry on Painful Thoughts About Sexuality. Fridays, July 12 – August 30, 2013 Noon – 1:30 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. Register Here.    

In Person workshops:

  •  Mini Retreats Seattle. Saturdays 2013, May 18, June 15, August 10, Sept 7, October 12, November 30. 1:30-5:30 pm. Goldilocks Cottage. First time $70 includes curriculum, handouts, tea and snacks. $55 for any subsequent mini-retreat. Come for regular practice and community. Earn 4 CEUs for mental health practitioners.
  •  Click here to register for any mini-retreat:
  • Loving Your Body Breitenbush Hot Springs Retreat. June 26-30, 2013. For all the information please click HERE.

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I Should Do Something Else

I should do something else. 

What a curious and interesting, and sometimes VERY stressful thought.

Today, for the second day in a row, my husband and I got “stuck” in a huge, thundering, massive downpour of rain and we ducked inside an open-air restaurant to wait it out.

The restaurant is a huge white tent on a round wooden platform amidst rice paddies, near a narrow walking trail which is used by scooters, motorcycles and foot traffic.

No wide roads to this restaurant, no big vehicles. Everything has to be carried or wheeled here.

It turns out there’s wifi, so here I am on the internet in Bali.

Then I had the thought “we should be seeing more….we should do something else.”

Because yesterday, we were here in the same restaurant, also in the middle of a huge afternoon thunder and lightening storm.

There is so much to see and do! We don’t have much time here! This is all nice and everything, but we should be in a different restaurant exploring something else.

Oops, er…wait. Halt!

Fortunately, I can catch myself quickly when doing this line of thinking.

Because I know, I will never, ever see everything, do everything, experience every place….this in fact would be impossible.

Having the thought that in this present moment, I should be somewhere else, be with someone different, or be having another experience than I am having is actually quite a bizarre thought.

With that line of thinking, the present is uncomfortable, less than, not quite perfect….or even terrible.

Not good enough.

Who would I be without the thought that I should be doing anything different? That I am missing something? That this moment should be altered somehow?

So relaxed, it’s amazing. To really deeply feel this moment as absolutely fine…WOW.

No need to do anything, go anywhere, change anyone.

Remarkable really.

I look around at the wooden floor, the plant next to me as I type, the straw woven chair, the ducks flapping their wings outside, the delicate drops of rain now, the gray sky….and I am amazed at the beauty and the strangeness.

Relaxed mind, relaxed body. Noticing that soon, I will get up and walk outside now that the rain has stopped.

When I turn the thought around, my original concept becomes “I shouldn’t do anything else.” 

This is amazingly radical. Can you imagine never having this thought again that you should do something else than whatever you’re doing?

What if this is the exact best thing I could possibly be doing, here now in this moment? Sitting in the same restaurant, two afternoons in a row, talking with the same family who works here….typing, reading, listening, being.

Why not?

“Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

Much love, Grace

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Write To Me

As the One Year Program gets closer to beginning (June 11th) many of you have written to me with suggestions, considerations and dreams of how you would best love to be served if you had your perfect scenario for ongoing support for self-inquiry, and a fulfilling relationship with your own thinking.

Some of you instantly knew that signing up to work in a whole year of inquiry, with the same small group of people, mostly in teleclasses and then a few in-person retreats, was PERFECTO.

Today I would love to hear from those of you who are considering joining the one-year program, and even those of you who are not at this time, what you would really want if I could support you in inquiring into your stressful thinking in your life, and truly beginning to have a loving relationship with your reality over time.

If you had your ideal structure, or had your most important questions answered, or the best format for you personally that you could have in a program with other people, what would it be?

If you could make up your favorite format for life support and inquiry and watching your thoughts and noticing your freedom…how would it look?

This is an amazing thing for any human to consider, whether thinking of a meaningful spiritual journey with others, (like the one-year inquiry program), or as an exercise of imagining what you would like most in your life around any kind of journey or relationship.

Sometimes we know what we are against in our lives, and what doesn’t work…but we hardly consider the possibilities for what DOES work, in a fun, imaginative, loving way.

It is an important step to know what doesn’t work. We get it. THIS is not working. Every time I’m interacting with that person, someone gets hurt….every day when I go to that job, I get upset….every time I eat, I hate myself.

Not working.

And we seem to know that those other people aren’t going to change (Byron Katie says hopeless and we know she’s right).

As many of you know who have started to ask yourself the questions known as The Work, and to question your own beliefs about life, other people and yourself….you’ve discovered that your life is shifting.

You may have discovered that in changing only your thoughts about your world and your experience, that your world actually appears to be changing.

And all that time, you thought you had to fix or change or adjust something OUT THERE, outside of you, in order to have your life and your world be calmer and more fun and more peaceful.

So today, imagine what one troubling situation in your life might look like if it was peaceful, serene, humorous, or joyful….one thing that seems like it’s not right now.

This doesn’t mean thinking about that situation you dislike and saying “I wish x, I wish y, this is so sad…”

It’s about playing with a fun picture, imagining the feeling being full of love, acceptance, gentleness or clarity right in that situation that generally produces stress when you think of it.

And if you have a vision of what would support you in inquiry, then just reply back to this email, and let me know what it would look like.

I’d love to hear your concerns or questions if you’re considering joining the One Year group, or a teleclass, or solo sessions….how would it be tweaked for you to make it right?

Don’t hold back—maybe it’s money, or worry about not liking it, or not understanding inquiry, or that you’ve tried to investigate your thoughts before to no avail….what are your biggest questions?

I’d love to know, if you’ve got ideas and requests. It helps me understand how to support you best, if there’s a way I don’t see it yet.

And if its a question I can write about here, then I will!

So replay back to this email and tell me, what would you like in support of your personal inquiry journey? Where do you bump up against your investigation, your awakening? What is your heart’s desire?

Much love, Grace

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OMG I Might Feel Uncomfortable

Life on the road appears absolutely and completely different, in some ways, than life NOT on the road.

And yet, depending on the circumstance, the thinking mind reaction to the situation at hand, whatever it is, is the same.

Something happens, something unexpected or out of the norm, and a response forms in the mind.

I must admit, I had a few stressful thoughts arise as I entered Bali with my husband Tuesday night. The fascinating piece to the thinking is me calling it stress, because it was slightly fearful.

Really, it was simply entering the unknown…..and with enough unknown, the mind begins to put up warning signs that say WATCH OUT.

It all boiled down to a primary, deep, underlying stressful thought:something could go wrong.

Why would the mind call it “wrong”?

Good question! So many things could go wrong! So let’s see what my mind was chatting about and suggesting as I entered a place I’ve never been before:

  • I might lose money, I might have to pay for something I didn’t expect to have to pay for
  • I might get sick from drinking the water (people told me it’s possible)
  • I might get sick from eating the food (people told me it’s likely)
  • I need something and no one understands my language when I ask for help
  • I am very hungry and I don’t know how to get food right now
  • We’re lost
  •  We don’t have the address to where we’re going, or the person’s phone number, and no one is here to meet us…we don’t know what to do next

Now, did we ever have to know what to do, in that situation upon arrival getting off the airplane?

Actually no.

The MIND will think it would be better to know all about everything, at all times, so that nothing unexpected ever happens and there are no surprises…..and NOTHING EVER GOES WRONG.

The mind will say that something went a little wrong for me and Jon upon arrival, or several things went wrong: I lost one of my sandals in a ditch (bizarre but true), some men began to take off with our luggage, someone wanted to charge us for internet service when it was actually free, there was no one to meet us at the airport and we had expected someone, and there appeared to be no food at our destination when we finally got there.

When I look at any of these and consider why the mind comes up with the idea of them being “wrong” I see that, as usual, it comes down to the perception of safety.

I might not get my needs met! I might feel uncomfortable! This would be WRONG!

As I lay in bed, exhausted and ready to sleep on our first night in a foreign country, with a bit of a weird feeling about being in a wild, mysterious place and not knowing what would happen next…I noticed the sensation in the body of caution.

And I remembered Byron Katie’s words “Don’t be careful, you might hurt yourself.” 

Moving around on planet earth to places unknown, at least for me, may feel like a risk, or it may feel like an adventure, and it vacillates between both.

If it’s too much risk (according to the mind) then the mind will yell and try to get back to safety and the known and calm as quickly as possible.

Yesterday, safety and known were not quite as solid as usual.

And yet, oh yeah that’s right, now I remember that things are neverreally solid or known.

Unexpected things can happen at any moment, no matter where we are.

Accidents, happy coincidences, a new neighbor moves in, a friend reveals something very touching about their life, your partner says they are leaving, a gift arrives in the mail for no reason, you get laid off, someone you haven’t seen in years calls you, you fall and break your arm, you have an interesting conversation at a dinner party.

Life is unfolding and flowering every single moment, and we think that if it remains uneventful, somehow stable, then we can breathe and rest and we’re “safe”.

But Not Knowing anything that will happen is the greatest truth of all, whether I am in the place I live every day, that appears to look quite similar each morning, or whether I am in a different country.

I remember that nothing is guaranteed, nothing static, and that anything could change at any moment. In fact, everything is changing, every moment.

What if I lived the turnaround to my stressful thought that I am in potential danger, and that something could go wrong?

What if instead I lived the belief “something could go right”? 

What if even when I am very hungry and tired and not sure how to get to a bed, and I’m not sure how or where to get food, I notice that something comes to me to do or say.

Nothing “bad” happened. There was only uncertainty, and imagining that things would get worse.

I remember this was really my only most terrible thought when my marriage was ending. What it really boiled down to was that I did not know what the future would look like, whereas before, I thought I knew.

I didn’t like not knowing, and the risk that I would not feel physically comfortable LATER.

Being on the road, with things unknown, my relationship to the universe and to reality feels more teeter-totter close to the edge.

But it’s not any more than usual, really.

Yes, all those uncertain things might happen.

If I lost money, or lost my way, or couldn’t find food, or got sick, or didn’t speak the language…who knows what exciting wonderful Absolutely Right thing could happen next.

All I know is, it does seem true that WITH the thought Something Could Go Wrong (or something IS going wrong) then there is stress…

…but WITHOUT the thought that anything could go wrong…

…smiling inside, entertainment, humor, fun, adventure, awe, beauty, rest, joy, and taking care of myself, asking for help.

No matter where you are, who would you be if you believed and lived the thought today “something could be going just right”?

Much love, Grace

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Forced Landing? Or Is A Bird’s Eye View OK?

As I look out a large picture window at the Taipei, Taiwan airport I see huge thick gray clouds and rain coming down, and lots of green trees. On initial glance it looks like Seattle, my home town.

Then on closer look, I notice palm trees inter-mixed with trees that look like pines. That’s definitely different.

Notice how the mind, through my eyes, is comparing. It’s like it has a check list, faster than a speeding bullet: familiar, familiar, not familiar, weird, unusual, totally unfamiliar, familiar.

It seems like the mind is a machine, trying to make sense of what it sees, hears, smells, feels, tastes.

Traveling in a big jet for thousands of miles and looking down at ocean and space will make anyone think of what a huge, big world it is….and what a small world it is.

Small world, big world, small world….there goes the mind again.

Just before a meal was served on the flight, I looked out the window with the sky just getting light in this part of the planet. Apparently, the land mass I saw below, with lights and then many fishing boats off the shore, was Korea.

My body was a tiny mass of atoms way up above Korea, and yet I had the thought “That’s Korea! WOW! I’m looking at Korea!”

Kind of hilarious that I won’t even land there for a closer look, and still the thoughts appear about that country I’ve heard so much about is right down there, close enough for these eyes to see from thirty thousand feet above in the sky.

Sometimes stressful situations can be seen in the same way. From far above in the sky, just getting a glimpse, not stopping for a visit necessarily.

Recently I was working with a lovely inquirer who said “I really do need to work on my *$%@# much more, my stressful thinking….I’ve been stuck forever on the same upsetting thoughts and feelings about my father….all my life really.”

She had an edge in her voice, a place in her that expected herself to get crackin’ on that ancient relationship and HEAL IT, DANG IT!

It’s troubling if you have a relationship that has affected you very deeply, where when you think of it, something hurts. You may have the same edgey demand for yourself to GET OVER IT…I certainly have had this experience.

So let’s take a look today.

You should get over being stressed out by that person, is it true?

You should think of them with happiness and peace at all times, and no sorrow. You should be able to live in the middle of that stressful memory, or sit with them in a room right now, and enjoy and love them, without issue…..IS IT TRUE?

How do you treat yourself when you think you should be over it, you should feel resolve, peace, happiness or joy when you consider that person?

I know when I had those thoughts that I should be complete, settled, and neutral towards someone that stirred up a lot for me in life, who influenced me deeply in not always such a fun way (to put it mildly) then I feel discouraged…

…I treat myself like I’m not good enough, or going fast enough, or brave enough, or loving enough.

I treat myself like there’s something wrong with me. Sometimes I’ve forced myself to go all the way to Korea, when really, the plane is only flying over it and this particular visit, I’m only taking a tiny glance at it from way up high like a bird.

Who would you be without the thought that you should be anywhere other than where you are?

What if both physically and emotionally, where you are is the best place ever for you, now.

Maybe you don’t have to go anywhere. Maybe where you are is perfect, and there is no need to travel far. Perhaps that is the sweetest, kindest thing you could give yourself.

And when something happens so that you notice it is indeed time to move…time to go all the way to that country…then you will.

I first thought of visiting Bali five years ago. And now, I’m doing it, apparently. Everything in perfect timing, perfect order.

Any sooner would have been too soon, I’m pretty sure this is 100 percent true.

“The Master does his job and then stops. He understands that the universe is forever out of control, and that trying to dominate events goes against the current of the Tao. Because he believes in himself, he doesn’t try to convince others. Because he is content with himself, he doesn’t need others’ approval. Because he accepts himself, the whole world accepts him.”~Tao Te Ching #30

Be gentle and kind and good with yourself (that’s not an order).

You are in the right place in relation to that person who has disturbed you, and the current is running in the way it needs to.

Do The Work, inquire into your thoughts about that person, then rest, and remember that the process of out of our hands.

Much love, Grace

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Liking Green Eggs And Ham Reality

As you read this, I am probably somewhere over the Pacific ocean, on board an airplane to Bali. I will post Grace Notes from there….who knows what will go on in the mind with a little change of scenery in the environment.

Many of us have had the opportunity and privilege to travel somewhere, some time, from point A to point B.

Doesn’t matter if it’s in a car, a train, a taxi, a boat, an airplane. You may have traveled five blocks, or five thousand kilometers.

I have a little joke that seems to appear in my mind every so often….and makes me often laugh out loud.

A little private joke with myself, and today I’ll tell it to you.

Have you ever read Green Eggs and Ham by Dr. Seuss? I read it about one thousand eight hundred and forty two times as an adult, about fifteen years ago. I usually had two kids sitting near me, or at least one, and was reading it out loud.

I also listened to it many times when I was a girl.

The images Dr. Seuss drew appear in my mind regularly….as the backdrop to the question “Will you question your thinking everywhere? In all circumstances? In absolutely any frightening, difficult or tricky situation?”

How about on a train? With a goat? On a boat? In a plane?

Will you question your thoughts anywhere?

Won’t you try on Reality, and question it, and see if you like it?

Won’t you see if it’s a friendly universe? How about just a taste?

NO says this little inner scaredy cat place. No, no, no. I will not try to relax, or change my point of view Here nor There, I will not try that ANYWHERE.

NO says resistance, the little self that needs a wall up, that is sure it needs protection from dangerous possibilities.

No, I will not change my perspective when my relationship ends, when I am terrified, when people die, when I get sick, when people do weird and upsetting and creepy things, when friends betray me, when I feel hurt.

Basically, that inner place that doesn’t wish to try on new orientations, or open to very, very radical different ideas….that inner “ego” place is one big NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Arms folded across the chest.

And then comes a day when you may be so hungry, you just have to try those green eggs and ham.

Or perhaps something (like Sam-I-Am) has invited you over and over again, never giving up, always tickling your mind (or nagging) to JUST TRY QUESTIONING YOUR REALITY and see what happens.

Maybe you’ll be beaten down by life circumstances, and you’ll think, “why not simply question what I’m thinking?”

“Deep down we all suspect that something is very wrong with the way we perceive life but we try very, very hard not to notice it. And the way we remain blind to our frightful condition is through an obsessive and pathological denial of being — as if some dreadful fate would overcome us if we were to face the pure light of truth and lay bare our fearful clinging to illusion.” ~ Adyashanti

Soon, I will be looking at a country I’ve never seen before (as far as I know) and encountering brand new visions, sites, people, languages, food, money, weather…

…and it will be so exciting to see what happens, in the mind, and watch as it dances the way it has tended to do, so far.

Thankfully, I’ll be there with inquiry.

You don’t have to change countries to do it. You can do it from your vista, where you are right now…at work, in a car, in a box, with a fox, in the dark, in the rain, on a train…

….and yes, even in that pretty rough situation, that feels frightening or full of anguish.

Do you like reality?

I do, I do like it! And I will see if I like it in EVERY situation!

Much love, Grace

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Forgiveness Problems

Byron Katie says when you’re wondering where to start with The Work, think of someone whom you haven’t forgiven 100%.

Seriously? Someone who I haven’t forgiven 100%? Isn’t that like everyone who even looked at me funny?

And what about money, not showing up enough and being hard to get? Or my body not erasing all signs of cellulite or cancer growth?

What about God/Source/the Universe/Reality for being so freakin’ confusing? Or me, for not being perfectly enlightened at all times in every moment?

Ahhh, there’s the rub. The difficulty at forgiving the self, and all the more subtle ideas about what forgiveness is and how much better it is to DO IT.

Today in the last session of the wonderful teleclass Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven we looked at forgiveness and making amends, ultimately towards ourselves.

One dear inquirer spoke for many as she said that she had discovered, during a powerful inquiry session in the past, that she had great expectations for herself to be forgiving.

The following kinds of thoughts can be very stressful, even though they sound true and we’ll nod our heads in agreement.

  • I should be forgiving
  • it’s better to be forgiving
  • being forgiving means I feel all love and tenderness towards the person who harmed me
  • being forgiving means I am quiet, kind, I hug them, I converse with them
  • being forgiving means I live with them, I care about them, I contact them

It’s like The Voice, or the Committee for Spiritual Awakening and Goodness, is demanding you to be an angel, or Jesus Christ, or Byron Katie, or Desmond Tutu….

….but you are not them. You are you.

Your job is to be you. It’s all you can be of course. And if you haven’t been forgiving so far in the past, then that’s what was just right, so far.

What if you turned all that you think about forgiveness, every little stressful belief about it and what it is supposed to look like, around?

  • I shouldn’t be forgiving—maybe not THAT version or definition of forgiving
  • it’s worse to be forgiving—can you find examples of this opposite belief?
  • being forgiving doesn’t mean I feel ALL love and tenderness
  • being forgiving could mean I am loud, apparently unkind, hugs have nothing to do with it, and I may never converse with them ever again
  • being forgiving means I move out from living with them, I don’t care about them (in that same overkill co-dependent way) and I do not contact them

I think about Gandhi, Tina Turner, Martin Luther King, Byron Katie and other great leaders who spoke out, very direct (some people thought of them as unkind) and full of love.

The thing that seems to work best, step by step, is simply to look at what causes or creates stress inside your own mind, and what doesn’t.

Questioning every thought that feels stressful, or like a dictation or order, or command, or “should” or “have to”….including how “loving” or “forgiving” you’re supposed to be….can free you beyond anything you ever imagined.

“Do you want to meet the love of your life? Look in the mirror.”~Byron Katie

Much love, Grace

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Amends With That Scary Person–In Your Mind First

If you’re in Seattle, there are spots for Saturday afternoon inquiry. 1:30 – 5:30 to dive deep, practice, learn. Write me if you need any scholarship help. Click below at the end of this post if you want to attend.

The other evening on skype, working with a dear client in another time zone 8 hours away, she said she ran into someone from her past in a crowded theater.

She felt panic! She wanted to leave the show at intermission!

It reminded me of going to a show myself some time ago, and having the THOUGHT that I could run into a certain individual from my past at that very show.

With a small shot of adrenaline zapping through my system, I had scanned the audience when her face entered my mind.

Oh dear, she attends shows like this….she could be here! How will I act if she’s here!?

Fortunately, I chuckled at my mind coming up with ideas like this, as it seems to do.

I already knew that running into that person would be fantastic.

The emotional experience might be uncomfortable, because of my own beliefs about her thoughts about me, and the misunderstandings that occurred in our relationship, and my imagination that something went wrong between us.

But it would offer a shift, a new opportunity.

So even in the thought about running into that person, there was a tiny shift, and a new opportunity.

Who would you be afraid to run into out in the world?

What if you even imagined running into someone you know who has died, maybe long ago?

Perhaps you turn the corner in a big city and BOOM there they are. Perhaps you notice them in a moving car when you’re driving. Or in a restaurant or grocery store.

Strange how the world moves, and you are in the same dimension, same place, same time (apparently) as that one person who brings up a lot of emotion.

Byron Katie speaks of these sometimes stunning coincidences as beautiful opportunities to connect with the truth for yourself…and perhaps to make amends.

In the dictionary, “amends” is defined as altering, modifying, rephrasing….compensating for injury or loss.

So this dear woman was speaking of seeing a former boss of hers in the crowded theater, and feeling fear. She didn’t approach him or talk with him.

But she hadn’t thought of him in ages, and just seeing him brought forth troubling memories.

Whether in the flesh or only in our minds, the pictures and the feelings can be vivid.

And I speak from experience….you can face the person, whether the person is there or not, whether they are alive or not.

Sometimes, imagining the person is the best place to start. Doing it there, internally from within, with all your heart and soul exposed to yourself, can feel safer.

Just safe enough to bring it into greater clarity.

Making amends doesn’t mean scampering off to apologize and hoping to receive favor from that person who is upset with you.

Making amends doesn’t mean pushing yourself beyond what feels deeply right for you.

You may know that it is most peaceful and loving to make NO contact with that person.

But you can still make peace with that situation, that person, within your heart and mind. In fact, starting with yourself is the most wonderful place.

You sit down and write out your most difficult, excruciating, sad, angry, frustrated thoughts and feelings. On paper.

Then have someone ask you the Four Questions.

You may be closer to feeling the joy of amends or forgiveness than you realized.

You may find that the feeling of fear that courses through you when you run into someone coincidentally without plans is really just excitement, love, joy, adventure.

Even if you feel nauseated, you may know that you are recovering from a deep sickness of looking at this person in a twisted way, a hateful or unforgiving way.

“Go somewhere where its really quiet, and get very still. With your eyes closed, imagine [that person] sitting across from you and do it…get it done, from that inside place of you. And then to make it right, just live it out with the rest of us…with other men in your life, and women and cats and dogs and trees.”~Byron Katie

You do not ever “have to” make amends to someone.

In fact, if you feel like this is a “have to” then it probably isn’t time.

The universe will arrange the right place and the right time. If you run into someone out there, and you feel fear or trepidation, or sadness….

…then you know its because you can handle it.

Much love, Grace

P.S. Stay tuned for additional upcoming information about the One Year program starting in June. A fabulous, in-depth, comprehensive way to question your reality with like-minded people on the journey, addressing all the people and situations we’ve ever been afraid of.

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Money Grows On Trees

Recently I gave myself a special consult appointment with a wise therapist, in the business of mental health for many years, who I meet with from time to time.

Having mentors and other understanding, thoughtful people in my life has been powerful and life-changing. I enter a conversation one way, and come out another…with a brand new idea or spark of excitement.

Or a really radical flip on the way I’m seeing things. Like what happened when I met with my mentor.

I thought I had learned so much about my relationship with money over the past six years, that anything new would be smallish, not that foreign.

But this particular day, I mentioned lightly that it felt fantastic to be completely out of debt (I was thousands of dollars in debt five years ago) and paying for my youngest child’s private education, and that I saved my house from foreclosure only four years ago.

She asked me a few more questions about how I felt about money, and then said “I can tell you know that your life is part of the universe, that your body is part of the earth, that the items in your home are part of the atmosphere….all connected. But you don’t think money is part of you, and of the earth and the atmosphere….you think it’s separate.”

Driving home from my meeting, I thought about what I could learn from these words.

Money and I have come so far. We used to have a very dismissive, uninterested relationship. Not much attraction either way. And fine with that.

Then it became a love-hate relationship. I hated discovering that I needed and wanted it. My strategy for needing and wanting things is to give up needing and wanting them.

Rats. It was like an obsessive love affair with someone I thought was “bad” for me.

THEN, I started liking and enjoying money a lot. Money seemed to be on my side, supportive, ready to work with me.

Could I actually LOVE money?

Like unconditional love? Could money be a part of me? My best friend? A close companion? Nah. Impossible. I still wanted to hide that I loved money. The secret crush no one could know about.

Money couldn’t be really trusted.

  • money could go away any minute
  • money could be required elsewhere, like in a broken car, or a major house repair, or an unexpected accident
  • money doesn’t grow on trees
  • I have to keep vigilant, stay responsible, work hard
  • I wish I didn’t have to earn money
  • can’t I go live in a monastery, with my basic necessities met, and lots of books?
  • I have to give great service, help people, be “worth” the price—the more perfect, the better
  • I need money

Some of these seem more stressful than others. Some feel stressful one day in the morning, and like no biggie at the end of the day.

But in reflecting on my mentor’s words, I thought “wow, money DOES feel separate from me….like it’s OUT THERE somewhere and by wild chance I draw it in sometimes. By my own hard nose-to-the-grindstone work, I repaid all my debt and started making money.”

GONG!!!! (wrong)

Realizing that I was out of the general panic zone for quite awhile now, I decided I hadn’t done The Work in awhile on money. It was time.

Who would I be without the thought that money doesn’t grow on trees? Or that Me-Myself-and-I am the One who brings/gets/acquires money?

Who would I be without the thought that I “have” to do stuff, push, be perfect, and “earn” it in any kind of a stressful way?

What if it was really part of nature, like air or water? Like breathing? And I didn’t have to “make” it come and go, like the same way I don’t have to make my heart beat, my lungs breathe, my kidneys function.

If I lived in these turnarounds, my belief system about money might look like this:

  • money could go away any minute (how exciting!) or it could come along any minute, like rain or sunshine—I don’t have to have a hissy fit either way
  • money is not limited…it moves towards this and that, repairs and all kinds of other possibilities, it’s amazing what it can be traded for
  • money does grow on trees (!) I shows up unexpectedly, it’s made from trees, when it’s used, more grows, like apples or food…more always shows up, for the next meal
  • I have to relax, rest, watch, wait, play easy
  • It’s a gift to “earn” money, I wish money didn’t have to earn ME (I try to be so perfect all the time, and think I don’t deserve it unless I am, jeez!)
  • can’t I simply live in my current life, where I see already all my basic necessities are ALWAYS met, and I have lots of books?
  • I have to receive great service from each person I meet with, I don’t have to help people (maybe I actually can’t), be “worth” the price—the more my natural, loving self, the better
  • I need money (yay!) And yes, I also don’t need it at all. I call that a really good, healthy relationship. No co-dependency here.

This relationship with money really is like my relationship with life.

I noticed long ago, doing The Work on money, that if I substituted the word “God” for money on my worksheets full of stressful thoughts, it showed me my inner relationship with God/Reality/Source/Universe.

The same. God could leave any minute, be required elsewhere, and I needed to earn God’s love and attention, stay vigilant and work hard.

Who would I be without these thoughts?

Magical. Free. Wild. Entering the unknown. Not really “needing” anything, but receiving, using, giving, just by being alive. Air going in, air going out.

“Fill you bowl to the brim and it will spill. Keep sharpening your knife and it will blunt. Chase after money and security and your heart will never unclench. Care about people’s approval and you will be their prisoner. Do your work, then step back. The only path to serenity.”~Tao Te Ching #9

When I care about money’s approval, and it feels like it is separate from me and eratic and volatile and uninterested….I am its prisoner.

When I don’t care about money’s approval of me….I notice I create as gloriously as a gushing fountain, I adore working with people, money shows up to celebrate.

Money grows on trees.

Much love, Grace

P.S. MONEY teleclass starts June 13! Click the second class link below to register. This time the class meets in the evening Pacific time 5:15 – 6:45 pm (unusual). I can’t wait to inquire and shift beliefs about our friend Money this summer. Join our group, it could mean an about-face for your work, income, business….your freedom!