Grace, Author at Question with Grace

May 14, 2013

Paperwork Is Not Spiritual

Excited to offer 4 CEUs (Continuing Education Credits) for any Social Workers, Therapists and Counselors in Washington State for the mini-retreat this weekend! We dive into The Work with a small group from 1:30 – 5:30 on Saturday.

Join me!

I am freshly approved to offer credits, to participants who need or want them, for 2 years, after much paperwork and quite an application process.

Speaking of paperwork! It’s REALLY exciting to get approved for something like this. It feels like a green light for all the work I’ve already done, the workshops completed, the curriculum, the evaluation forms.

It ROCKS!

But sometimes the papers, getting everything you’ve done ON PAPER…Oi Vey. It can feel like a daunting task.

Mortgages, loan applications, college essays, school transcripts, quit claim deeds, taxes, medical notes, official letters….perhaps even doing The Work?

If you’re bored even hearing about paperwork….well, you are not alone.

Paperwork and formal applications and the like are huge forms of stress, boredom, irritation and even despair for many people.

When I first looked at the list of what was necessary to qualify and apply for offering workshop CEU credit here in my state, I took a heavy sigh…but then came “I can do it”.

Grades, evaluations, checking off boxes. Piles of documentation.

It could drive you mad, if you have certain stressful thoughts about it like these:

there are so many steps, it will take me FOREVER to finish them
this is tedious
I can’t explain it well enough
I don’t have the materials, the documents, the files, the information I need
I’ll have to hunt through cabinets, I don’t know where stuff is
it’s too hard
I can take a shortcut
I can’t

But I have found that my life, honestly, has gotten a hundred times more efficient in this kind of paperworky administrative-ish arena as I’ve questioned OTHER stressful beliefs about people, safety, money, friendship, love, death, and making a living.

That thing you need to turn in? You know, those taxes? Or that school you’ve wanted to apply for? Or that scholarship application? Or that certificate you need? That letter you’d like to write?

You can do it.

It seems like this type of area isn’t really one for questioning your thoughts sometimes. It’s the mundane paper trail of life.

Yet, once all the stuff is put on paper…you go through a gate to the next thing. Action might happen.

Your mind might feel freed up. Something is handled.

David Allen, author of Getting Things Done, talks in a wonderful way about the mind and how we try to work with it, in this world of organizing and work and business and tasks of the day-to-day life. He likens paperwork and taking care of stuff as a spiritual path, really.

David said “Mind Like Water”. Even with tasks we’re supposed to do.

Especially with tasks we’re supposed to do!!

When I truly see what it’s like to be without the stress of believing I can’t do something, I can’t find something, I don’t have the right materials or information….when I feel what its like to NOT HAVE something “done” as stressful…

….then I notice I take one step at a time. I keep going.

It just wells up out of me to move, to fill out the form. Send it. Finish it. Look at it.

This is true with The Work itself. You have to write your thoughts down, to really get into them and remember what you’re doing. At least that always seems to be the case for me, so far.

Now, I see the turnarounds as so true or truer:

there are many steps and this is a great and wonderful thing, it will be fun to take them all and look back at this process
this is not tedious, its worthwhile
I can explain it well enough
If I don’t have what I need, I can figure out how to get it, I can ask for help
Hunting through cabinets is fun, is easy…it’s just looking
it’s easy
no shortcut is necessary (the long way might be shorter)
I can

Even in this mundane topic of paperwork and following directions and filling things out….there is beauty.

“When you have names and forms, know that they are provisional. When you have institutions, know where their functions should end. Knowing when to stop, you can avoid any danger. All things end in the Tao as rivers flow into the sea.”~Tao Te Ching #32

Even paperwork ends in the Tao. Relaxed. Open to it, not fighting. Accepting. One step, then the next.

Welcome paper. Do The Work on paper. Go slower.

I’m breathing more slowly now.

Much love, Grace

P.S. Only a few spots left. Come on up to the little cottage and do The Work this weekend. Only 4 hours (and 4 CEUs if you need them) for learning, practicing, and USING PAPER to question your thinking. You might have a break through!

May 12, 2013

She Doesn’t Like Me

It was Saturday night, a lovely spring evening in north Seattle. My sixteen year old daughter (by 2 days) had asked to attend the local high school musical production of the long-time favorite Music Man.

I bought two tickets just for the two of us to attend together.

Here are a few things I heard during the course of the evening. They set off a few stressful thoughts inside me:

Mom, is that what you’re wearing?
This concessions line is waaaaaay too long, I’m not waiting
Stop staring at those people!
Why didn’t you say Hi to her?
Don’t lean so close to my face to tell me something!

I was sure there was a constant stream of criticism.

Now that I read my own list, I see basic, simple communication.

Direct, blunt, to the point. No dilly-dallying around. Refreshing really.

But that night, after the last comment “Don’t lean so close to my face!” I dramatically leaned in the opposite direction, folded my arms across my chest, sitting in my chair, and pointedly looked only directly ahead at the stage.

Yes, it was that mature.

I noticed her sweet face turning towards me several times, out of the corner of my eye, looking to see how or what I might be thinking or feeling, perhaps.

But I didn’t look at her for a couple of minutes!

She doesn’t like me!

That was my painful thought. I know this is true because she’s critical, she has a tone, she tells me I’m too close, she doesn’t want to wait in line with me.

As I’ve mentioned before, one of my favorite professors said during a graduate school lecture when I was newly pregnant with my first child:

The secret to being a good parent? Be willing to be hated.

In that little tantrum moment where I pulled back and clammed up I was NOT willing to be hated.

She HAD to have a positive, wonderful opinion of me.

Yikes.

This thought has also entered my internal world with other people. God forbid anyone to have distaste for me, be repulsed, critical, upset or worried about me.

Sigh.

I sat there in the dark theater with 76 Trombones and a full stage of young actors belting their hearts out joyfully, able to simultaneously ask myself….it just sprang up really….

Who would I be without the thought that my daughter should like me? Or be one ounce different than she is?

How about those other people in my life who on the rare occasion have criticized, had a less-than-fabulous opinion, or cut off communication with me?

Who would I be without the thought that it should be different?

Quite stunning to think of this, to really imagine it with love, to develop the picture, to fill out the whole experience of allowing them all to hate me as much as they want.

As if I could control any of it.

And then….in the theater, I noticed in the story on stage that the main character Professor Harold Hill was having a transformation. He was noticing that he was enjoying, and touched, by the people around him. He was not interested in ditching and running as he always had before.

“My foot never got caught in the door before!” he exclaims on stage.

On his way out, something caught his attention. He discovered that people were aware of his limitations and false intentions and foibles,and they loved him anyway!

What if that person DOES like you? Even if it doesn’t appear that they do? What if you lived that turnaround?

“When I walk into a room, I know that everyone in it loves me. I just don’t expect them to realize it yet.” ~Byron Katie

I relaxed and stopped the distancing. I noticed how connected I felt to that darling girl, who observes so much about me.

This morning she brought me breakfast in bed for Mother’s Day. At the crack of dawn (knowing I’m an early riser, she set her alarm).

“The point is that our true nature is not some ideal that we have to live up to. It’s who we are right now, and that’s what we can make friends with and celebrate.” ~ Pema Chodron

Much love, Grace

May 11, 2013

FAB Programs Around The Corner

A little biz-announcements day, with some *inspire* thrown in. Many questions on upcoming programs and events, so posting it everywhere! Here are some answers:

1) Breitenbush at the end of June is filling, actually quite nearly full! Early-bird discount $295 for tuition ends May 15th, will rise to $350 after that. Please see my fabulous and wonderful co-facilitator’s piece about Breitenbush by going to www.oasislifedesign.com. You are in for a treat, working with her, the lovely Susan Grace Beekman.

Susan and I love working together to bring you a safe and sacred place to inquire into the fear, imperfections, and vulnerability of the body. People are coming from all around the country, June 26 – June 30. We can’t wait to meet you.

2) A Year of Inquiry For The Addictive Mind! Wow! This begins in only one month. Our small group will work together all year, mostly on the phone, and twice in person in fabulous Seattle (if you’re able). This is especially good for people who know the shift that can happen with inquiry, but just don’t seem to get around to it. This is for people ready for the dive and to keep steady with it through every season.

Of course, you do not have to be an “addict” to participate….just someone who notices that your thinking is repetitive, compulsive, over-bearing, escapist, or downright mean. And that you can’t seem to stop.

Gosh…sounds like the description of “addictive” to me. And yes, many people notice that their thought patterns repeat themselves over and over, trying to sort out LIFE.

A few important notes about the One Year Program:

Yes, you can make payments (flexibility is priority)
Yes, you can attend without coming to Seattle, USA for the two in-person retreats
Yes, there may be some input for when the telegroups meet…We are currently set for 8:00 – 9:30 am Pacific Daylight Time, which is 11 am Eastern, 4 pm UK, 11 pm Australia.

3) May 18th mini-retreat in Seattle. Four hours of solid inquiry. Earn four CEUs if you need them for your practice or profession. 1:30 – 5:30 pm Saturday afternoon. $70.

I will be traveling May 20 – June 7 to Bali with my dear husband. Upon return, I will have a few openings for individual clients (8 sessions or more are discounted). See Solo Sessions page on my website www.workwithgrace.com.

BTW, I will be looking at retreat venues in Bali, especially for couples or people wanting to do the work on exiting or entering relationship. Couples and Singles will be welcome. This will happen next year…stay tuned.

I am here to serve awareness, awakening, truth, and love. Thank you for being here with me on this adventure.

If you have questions, comments, or wishes…write me. Join me in enlightening our way to freedom from the dark, upsetting, painful beliefs that sometimes dominate our lives.

“The mark of a moderate man is freedom from his own ideas. Tolerant like the sky, all-pervading like sunlight, firm like a mountain, supple like a tree in the wind, he has no destination in view and makes use of anything life happens to bring his way. Nothing is impossible for him. Because he has let go, he can care for the people’s welfare as a mother cares for her child.”~Tao Te Ching #59

Much love,
Grace

May 10, 2013

Inquiry Changes The World

There is nothing more intriguing and wonderful for me than spending time doing inquiry. The shifts and changes have been profound….my life is changed.

That’s a big statement…..“my life is changed by self-inquiry”.

For me to think this is true, there has to be a memory of what my life was like, what happened when I first began to inquire and learn to sit with myself…and then what life is like now.

It seems true my life is deeply changed.

Something happened…..and the time between fretting or making sweeping decisions or engaging in self-harm or being confused is a fraction of what it once was.

I argue with what is far less. I am not against what is happening much of the time.

There seems to be this mind that gets worked up sometimes, busy busy busy. Anxious, analyzing, worried, stressed, tired, angry, determined, fearful.

It got more like that after age 10 or so. Before that, life is sort of foggy and sweet. I remember major events, but I wasn’t an anxious mess. Some really troubling things happened, but then they passed and life kept going.

Somewhere into puberty the world and my thoughts became much more vivid. Like technicolor. More alert, intense, and more full of really big questions.

As more questions entered my awareness, more assumptions did too, based on experiences. Almost like the mind is filling in answers. Like something’s going on and there’s a voice saying“You want to know the meaning of life? Go find out, grasshopper! Look around!”

I was looking around and sometimes I really loved what I saw and sometimes I thought this place was a loony bin, or worse….quite dreadful. A horror show.

The world was beginning to look pretty scary. Bad stuff seemed to happen. People got very upset. People died or left. Wars broke out. Tsunamis occurred. People did mean things to other people, really confusing, terrible things.

The agony of looking at the world and seeing a frightening vista will inspire just about anyone to understand better, to seek freedom, to end the suffering.

Reading great spiritual works seemed like the first place to go, starting in my late teens.

And then various therapies, groups, workshops, conversations, graduate school, training.

Self-inquiry, that is, asking oneself questions about how you operate, what’s going on, why you’re responding, what you’re thinking or feeling…what a fantastic breath of fresh air, a slowness, making things simple.

One of my favorite authors and teachers, for years and years, is Geneen Roth. She had the eating issue I did….and learned to ask herself what the heck was going on and study the answers, study the patterns.

She wanted to know.

I realized at some point that I wanted to know….more than I wanted the issues and stress and pain to stop, I wanted to “get” what this was all about.

Wanting to know the answers, to explore and investigate, makes all the difference.

The difference between doing something soothing, so that you feel temporarily better, and wanting to know the truth for yourself.

The truth is so dang interesting, so amazing, so satisfying. So rich, varied, full, revealing.

And automatically, I found that when I questioned what I was believing, the world opened up and things became lighter, more wild and free. And do did I.

“Of this I am certain….something happens every time I stop fighting with the way things are. Something happens to every one of my students when they stop running their familiar programs about fear and deficiency and emptiness. I don’t know what to call this turn of events or the freshness that follows it but I know what it feels like. It feels like relief. It feels like infinite goodness. Like a distillation of every sweet fragrance, every heart-stopping beauty, every haunting melody you’ve ever heard. It feels like the essence of tenderness, joy, peace…like love itself.”~ Geneen Roth

I know that when I look head-on at a troubling situation, and wonder about my response to it, and how it happened, and what role I played….my heart is full of compassion, I see the essence of love in everyone involved, I feel accepting.

The world is so friendly these days, I can hardly contain my happiness about it. A quiet, simple happiness without anxiety. I feel like clapping my hands!

I don’t know what This (the world) is all about. I really don’t know what its for, or how it got made. I don’t have sophisticated answers…the questions all still hang out and are still here.

But there is such a profound peace, it really is a feeling of peace beyond all belief.

Until I believe something difficult and then I get to have my little reaction, and then inquire and look. So fun.

“A thought is harmless unless we believe it. It’s not our thoughts, but our attachment to our thoughts, that causes suffering. Attaching to a thought means believing that it’s true, without inquiring. A belief is a thought that we’ve been attaching to, often for years.” ~Byron Katie

Who knew that unhooking attachment to my ways of thinking could change my life, could change the world as I see it.

Much love, Grace

May 9, 2013

Grateful For Stomach Punch

Standing in the middle of my dorm room over thirty years ago as dark winter rolled in, two months into the academic year, I suddenly thought “I can’t take this anymore”.

After two years of “abstinence” from compulsive eating, which for me was a brutally perfect and rigid diet, and running five miles per day including cross country races…I decided to eat whatever the hell I wanted.

The thing is, it wasn’t really what I wanted. I was about to binge like there was no tomorrow….just this once.

Like a thief filled with excruciating guilt, but nowhere else to go, I went on foot wearing a big back pack, into one store, then a fast-food restaurant, then another store, then a 7-11, then a gas station, with a fake calm on the outside, making sure I only bought a small amount of food so that it looked “normal”.

As soon as I purchased the food at each stop, I stuffed it into my back pack and kept walking.

I felt like I was holding my breath. I was about to blow two years of will power, control, and cold-hearted take-no-prisoners discipline. Just once. Then I would get back on track.

I couldn’t let myself even think 24 hours in advance. All that mattered was right now.

I was buying food that I had not allowed myself to taste, smell, or touch for two years. I had held a low, almost anorexic level weight for two years. No menstrual cycle, bony shoulders…and compliments for my slender form.

In that moment, right then, was rage. Blind rage. Breaking out of this prison.

That was my mind flipping to the extreme opposite of control, never even stopping for a moment’s rest at a mid-way balance point.

I was far, far from the center, from source. I went from one side of the universe (gripping control) to the other side (massive out-of-control).

I didn’t even know what balance was at that time. Or self-love. Or trust.

At least I didn’t THINK I knew. But of course I did. It was lying down in there, quietly waiting.

My mind contained the following beliefs so long ago, which I had arrived at through observing what I thought and did and seeing the “proof” that what I deserved was control, not love:

I want too much
I am greedy, selfish and self-centered
There is never enough for me
I am too emotional
My feelings are too extreme for other people (especially my parents)
There is something terribly wrong with my wants, desires, appetite

When I returned to my dorm room, frantic, with my anxiety shooting through the roof, I locked the door and bolted it and turned the lights low and unpacked all the food items like I just stole diamonds from the fanciest jewelry store in the world.

Too much, too good to be true, too off-the-charts expensive, too out of my league…and I started stuffing the food into my mouth, especially the sugary sweet stuff (not a drop of sugar or chemical additive had crossed my lips in TWO YEARS).

I ate until my stomach felt like it was going to be split open. Then I knew I needed to do that thing I had forced myself to learn only three years earlier, for the first time…I would make myself vomit.

I vomited into a black plastic garbage bag. I wouldn’t dream of entering a public bathroom with the intention to throw up, where other girls who lived in this dorm might come in and hear me.

After the episode was all over, throwing up into the bag, I carefully wiped my face and hands, went down to the bathroom and scrubbed my face with soap and water, my whole body shaking.

I brushed my teeth and brushed them again, and headed back to the scene of the crime, looking down at anyone in the hall who passed me by.

In my room I put three more black heavy-duty garbage bags around the evidence, the bag containing all the vomited food. It was warm from my own stomach and body heat.

Then for some odd reason, to find some relief perhaps in this horrifying scene, I pulled out my bathroom scale (I never went anywhere without it back then) and weighed myself….holding the bag of regurgitated food….and then I set the bag aside and weighed myself without it.

The difference in weight was ten pounds.

I had eaten and vomited ten pounds of food in weight. My actual body weight was the same as it had been yesterday. Part of me felt more guilty than ever, like I got away with something unbearable. A very close shave.

“Acting” calm again, I very quietly unlocked my door and snuck down the back stairs, outside and two blocks away to a dumpster to throw away the disgusting bag, so no one would trace back this sickening event to me.

The level of self-hate and fury and confusion was so intense, I asked myself for the next few days, weeks and months if I could really go on. I knew that it was not worth living a life believing the kinds of things I did about myself.

About a week later, I dropped everything, left college and flew home to my parents and the house I grew up in, and entered therapy.

It would be another ten years before I was completely over the extreme violence I had towards my own desires, my appetite, and my feelings (like sadness, fear, or anger).

But dropping my control, going out-of-control, was the first step towards healing and balance.

It was the best thing that could have happened.

Now, I continue to watch my internal life and the thoughts I repeat or believe…and I notice, I rarely use food or starvation or over-exercise to try to control my feelings, my desire and my appetite.

This happened by looking at what I believed back then, and questioning those beliefs (even though I did not yet have The Work).

Now I can look back at that young woman who was apparently me, so many years ago, and I am filled with appreciation for her story. Even when I still would rather not reveal that story, I know it’s safe, and loving.

If it helps someone else to hear my story, and how far to the extreme it went, then good. Even someone in that kind of pain, with that kind of violence, could find peace, love and understanding out of that suffering.

Today I continue to examine my beliefs about my desires, my appetite, my wants, my feelings.

When I think “Oh Grace, you really should tone it down…you need to get back to “normal” (whatever that is)…you need to calm yourself…you should control your feelings”….

….then I give myself a hug and say thank you to my powerful feelings.

I write down what I’m thinking, I let it rip ON PAPER…and I question those beliefs.

And somehow, I haven’t felt the need to overeat, cram in the food, weigh myself or “slap” myself into shape for many, many years.

It’s easier this way, being truly out of control.

“If you don’t realize the source, you stumble in confusion and sorrow. When you realize where you come from, you naturally become tolerant, disinterested, amused, kindhearted as a grandmother, dignified as a king. Immersed in the wonder of the Tao, you can deal with whatever life brings you, and when death comes, you are ready.”~Tao Te Ching #16

Thank you violence, confusion, emptiness, sorrow. You help me see something is off, to remember the source.

Thank you rage, sadness, grief, desperation, craving, desire and the stomach-punch I gave myself. These reminded me always that where I come from is love.

So do you.

Much love, Grace

May 8, 2013

Annoying Advice-Givers

Pacific Northwesterners! Mini retreat on Saturday, May 18th 1:30 – 5:30 pm in northeast Seattle at Goldilocks Cottage. Give yourself a deep dive into the work for the afternoon. All levels welcome. Sign up by clicking HERE. $70 for your first time, $55 for your second.

Speaking of retreats….they are not exactly a simple “yes” for many people to jump on board.

So many possible considerations: the time, transportation, venue, cost….and there are anxious or annoying things that could happen.

Like Other People.

Gathering with other people has such profound potential for love, huge learning, combined energy, a shift of awareness, the group commitment to stay present and BE THERE. People gathered in one place at one time can offer each other such support, like no other anywhere.

AND the people you gather with can drive you bonkers, irritate the heck out of you, and/or stir up unpleasant thoughts and feelings.

Being a workshop addict…er, wait, I mean…since I’ve done TONS of workshops and training in my life, I’ve been at every kind of group gathering and every size of workshop and heard almost every kind of exercise or lecture-style you can imagine.

(I am REQUIRED to take workshops to earn continuing education credits as a Certified Counselor in Washington, just for the record…in case you think I can’t stop! Ha!)

One thing I do every time I offer a workshop or mini-retreat or longer residential retreat is GET FEEDBACK. As much as possible.

Over time, the workshops get more and more clear, better, lazer-focused and satisfying.

Kind of funny when what The Work itself is all about unraveling stressful thinking, being here now, without necessarily trying to get it better, clearer or more satisfying.

Byron Katie speaks a lot, however, about asking questions, hearing peoples’ answers, getting honest authentic feedback, and taking in information that is real and direct. Plus giving it.

Katie loves to role play with people who are not sure how to ask for or give feedback, who are not sure what to say, unclear how to approach someone, wondering whether or not to say something out loud to someone else.

When Katie role plays, she shows what it’s like to be a person who is without thoughts of distrust, anger, hate or fear towards the one she’s talking with.

So free to just go for it, be willing to hear whatever comes from someone’s mouth….not even willing, but LOOKING FORWARD to it!

So I always ask people to give-it-to-me, just the way they see it, everything they can think of that works or doesn’t work.

It’s not always easy….sometimes, I might doubt I want to hear what someone REALLY thinks.

It might hurt!

But that’s just an old, embedded belief that got grooved in quite deeply that seems to love to offer itself up for inquiry…and rather than hurt, the feedback from people is always beyond valuable.

One of the most common pieces of genuine feedback from workshops has been that some participants try to offer other participants advice, or get into conversation beyond just asking the four questions and waiting in silence.

People so want to help other people. People truly love seeing someone else succeed, calm down, relax, change, do a 180-degree change, “get” something, become renewed.

People will do this by giving advice, praising someone, offering words of encouragement, sharing their own story, giving someone a pep talk, teaching them….and many folks LOVE being the one who helped change that suffering person’s life over there.

But ARRRGHGHGH it can be freakin’ annoying when the advice is unsolicited, right?

The Work itself is only four questions, and then finding turnarounds to the original stressful belief.

There are some “sub-questions” that help tease out or drill down into really helping answer that primary question…and Katie offers them as a guide.

But no other questions. No story-telling. No special motivational techniques. No listening methods. It’s just four questions, and silence.

All you need to do to facilitate someone in The Work is to be able to ask a question, word-for-word…and wait.

We will do this in the mini-retreat in ten days….even more focus on the asking and the silence than ever. We will do this at Breitenbush in June in Oregon.

“There are only three kinds of business in the universe: mine, yours, and God’s. Whose business is it if an earthquake happens? God’s business. Whose business is it if your neighbor down the street has an ugly lawn? Your neighbor’s business. Whose business is it if you are angry at your neighbor down the street because he has an ugly lawn? Your business. Life is simple—it is internal. Count, in five minute intervals, how many times you are in someone else’s business mentally. Notice when you give uninvited advice or offer your opinion about something (aloud or silently). Ask yourself: Am I in their business? Did they ask me for my advice? And more importantly, Can I take the advice I am offering and apply it to my life?”~Byron Katie

Doing The Work is not just about questioning your own stressful thoughts. It is being in the presence of other humans who are questioning theirs. Interacting with you. Noticing their stories. Having compassion, seeing them as being just like you.

The more you do The Work with others….the more tolerant you may become. The more quiet as well.

Join others, find someone to facilitate, have someone facilitate you. Use the Facilitation Guide (click here to get it from Katie’s website).

The people you make contact with, even during a workshop or retreat, might have the power to shake you up or break you open or increase your love like no one has in months. You might find someone who bugs you just enough to open your mind to your own beliefs that create stress…

…those annoying advice-givers might bring you to your knees in gratitude…

…you might find a new best friend to partner with along the journey of loving yourself and your own mind.

Much love, Grace

P.S. Two awesome 8 week classes start in June and one in July….AND the one-year program starts in June. More on that very soon!

May 7, 2013

Secret Of Giving Up Glittering Like A Jewel

A dear inquirer mentioned the other day that she was tired of dating…that her bounce-back level was waning.

Not sure she wanted to keep trying to connect with men. At all.

She was feeling this way after having an unpleasant experience that felt a bit scary for her after meeting someone online.

We all get discouraged sometimes.

We look at our stuff (also called by another word that also starts with “s”) and think thoughts like the following:

I give up
I’ll never get this right
I need to avoid the bad stuff, but I don’t know 100% how
I just don’t know enough, or have what it takes, to succeed
If only “x” hadn’t happened, I wouldn’t be in this discouraging situation
If only I had the chance for “y” then I’d be better off now
there’s surely something wrong with me
What did I do to deserve this?
This is too hard

What do these thoughts feel like physically, when you believe them?

I can practically feel my own shoulders cave in on themselves and a heavy weight push down on my back from behind. My energy sinks down. My mind says “F*%$ It!”

There are several strategies that enter for repairing a set-back or feeling of failure: I’ll regroup and try harder, I’ll keep going by golly even if it kills me, I’ll take a break and give up and do nothing, I’ll free-fall and stop caring, I’ll get distracted and attack (or help) someone else, I’ll switch over to another project and put all my energy into THAT instead (like cleaning out a closet).

All these might give some relief, and they are very natural. And then, you’ll probably circle back to the same original thought again at some point in the future….this place that I am now is not good enough. It could be better.

Right now in this moment, I can conjure that thought when it comes to two experiences I’m currently having: physical pain in back and hip, and wanting more money.

If I sit with these two beliefs, I can definitely find where this point, this measurement or snap-shot of this here now is NOT good enough…and it could be better.

Yep, I’m pretty sure it would be better if I had really strong back and stomach muscles (and lets throw in the arms while we’re at it, they’re looking a little saggy) and I’m pretty sure it would be better if I had a million bucks suddenly added to my bank account.

So even if I’m jesting (kind of), and know how not to take myself very seriously….it’s great to revisit these areas and look deeply with what I think I would gain if I acquired these things, if I had them.

Looking deeply with an inquiring, curious, not-so-judgmental mind is exciting!! And it isn’t really a strategy, that has temporary results. It has a way of causing me to look and get very clear….creating relief and joy beyond any of the other temporary measures for handling stressful, discouraged thinking.

So I look with open eyes and no planned goal, only wanting to understand and know the truth.

IF I had these better/more/easier things, such as the ones I mentioned, I believe I would be able to relax, be secure, feel attractive, love more.

I would feel more love and enthusiasm….IF I had more money and a tip-top body.

Is that really true?

Am I absolutely positive that more money or stronger muscles brings more love and enthusiasm?

YES! YES!

And I see how stressful it is….to look at what is here and have it not measure up. Over there is better. Seriously.

Ow.

Who would I be without the thought that over there would be better than HERE, like this, now? Really imagine it! If you couldn’t have the thought that something else would be better than this.

At first you might think “I’d be crazy outta my gourd!” without that thought.

But let yourself sit with what it might be like, if you were NOT CRAZY, or in denial, or confused, or mistaken, or wrong.

Can you catch a glimpse of it? If you really did NOT KNOW that it would be any better if these improvements were made?

What if this, the way it is right now, is the best it could possibly be, for the highest order, the highest good, the way of it?

How would you feel? What would you be like?

I get the instant feeling of letting go of a tight vice grip. I stare at everything around me. I feel wonder.

Innocent eyes, innocent ears, mind just doing its thing no big deal, watching, waiting.

Turning the whole situation around to the opposite:

I give up!….and its not sad, it’s easier, it’s fine, it’s gentle, giving up is kind
I’ll never get this wrong
I don’t need to avoid anything bad….it’s really OK I don’t know how
I just don’t know enough, or have what it takes, to fail
If only “x” hadn’t happened, I wouldn’t be in this amazingly wonderful situation
If only I had the chance for “y” then I’d be worse off now
there’s surely something right with me
What did I do to deserve this rocking awesome incredible powerful experience?
This is easy, it’s not too hard

I find examples of how these are true. I imagine the turnarounds, I open up to them being possible.

Even with a little more openness, I feel a lightness in my step. I hear a voice that says “oh, I wonder what’s next?!”

“In harmony with the Tao, the sky is clear and spacious, the earth is solid and full, all creatures flourish together, content with the way they are, endlessly repeating themselves, endlessly renewed….The Master views the parts with compassion, because he understands the whole. His constant practice is humility. He doesn’t glitter like a jewel but lets himself be shaped by the Tao, as rugged and common as a stone.”~Tao Te Ching #39

View the parts of your mind with compassion, even the one that says “I give up”.

GOSH, now that I think about it…I feel no pain in my back or hip at the moment, as I sit quietly without pushing. I also notice that there is enough money.

Love and enthusiasm are here, now. I don’t need anything to be different for that to be true.

You are being shaped by the Tao. Let go, see what happens. Everything returns to harmony. Seriously.

If you want to comment, ask a question, or share your experience about doing The Work on this topic….head over to the website and leave a comment under this post. It’s fun to read your thoughts, and I always respond.

Much love, Grace

Learn About All Teleclasses Here

A Year Of Inquiry For The Addictive Mind: Life Support For The Compulsive Thinker. June 2013 – May 2014, Tuesday teleclasses * 2 in-person retreats * Powerful Group work. Click here to read all about it.
Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Thursdays, June 13 – August 8, 2013, 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time. No class June 27. 8 weeks $395.Register Here.
Pain, Sickness and Death: Making Friends With The Worst That Happens In Life. Stay tuned for fall class. 6 weeks $295.
Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven: Working With Painful Hate, Anger, Fury, Despair, Grief, or Disappointment With Someone; Spouse, Mother, Sibling, Father, Daughter, Son, Boss, Neighbor, Friend. Fridays, March 29 – May 17, 2013 8:00 am – 9:30 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. Register Here.
Horrible Food Wonderful Food: Investigating the Love/Hate Relationship with Eating And Food. Tuesdays, June 11 – July 30, 2013 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. Register Here.
Our Wonderful Sexuality: A Safe Place For Inquiry on Painful Thoughts About Sexuality. Fridays, July 5 – August 23, 2013 Noon – 1:30 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. Register Here.

In Person workshops:

Mini Retreat Seattle. Saturday, May 18, 2013, 1:30-5:30 pm. Goldilocks Cottage. $70 includes intensive, handouts, tea and snacks.
Mini Retreat Seattle. Saturday, August 10, 2013, 1:30-5:30 pm Goldilocks Cottage. $70 includes intensive, handouts, tea and snacks.
SIGN UP FOR TWO SATURDAY MINI RETREATS FOR $125 – Click here to register for one or both mini-retreats:
Loving Your Body Breitenbush Hot Springs Retreat. June 26-30, 2013. For all the information please click HERE.

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May 5, 2013

I Can’t Stand It (Again)

Last year at this time, I wrote about the thought that is soooooo common for many people to have, on a regular basis.

The thought? “I can’t stand it!!!”

It’s one of those simple, short, instant thoughts that comes to my mind if I really don’t like something that’s happening or something someone is saying.

Can you feel the sensations in your body that match the idea of not being able to stand it (whatever it is)? Tension, frustration, agony, fear!

When I’ve had very little sleep and I’ve been awake many hours, and maybe I see that I’m probably going to be awake many more hours still….the thought comes in “I can’t stand it, I have to sleep!”

But if that were really true, I’d fall down right there, wherever I was, and start sleeping.

It turns out I always “make it” through the day. So far in life, I’ve always stood it, I’m still here.

Let’s take a harder circumstance. I was reading Byron Katie’s book this Who Would You Be Without Your Story? and there is a woman whose husband had left her to go be with another woman. The woman believed “I can’t stand it”.

I remember when I was waiting in the doctor’s office after getting a biopsy of a funny mole on my thigh. The doctor had checked the stitches from the biopsy and then said “why don’t you get dressed and then I’ll come back and we can talk about this”.

Suddenly, this wasn’t going the way most other doctor’s appointments went. We’re going to TALK about this? My mind was off like the race horses! Before knowing anything! Adrenaline, alertness, anticipation, intuition.

And, I had The Work in me as a tool for questioning my reality.

I watched my mind within 10 minutes only, before the doctor even returned, question the belief “I can’t stand it, if it’s cancer”. It was cancer.

Katie writes “You believe you can’t stand it because you haven’t inquired. You haven’t enlightened yourself about how the mind works. So you have to live out I CAN’T STAND IT.”

A friend who loves doing The Work emailed me the title of a book he’s reading The Guru Next Door by Wendy Dolber. I live across the street from a bookstore (my personal addiction….we’ll talk about that later) so I bought it.

In the book is a list Wendy calls The Seven Understands of All Unhappiness. One of them is so simple:

“Believing something causes unhappiness is the very reason it seems to cause unhappiness”.

When I think about the things I can’t stand, I am CERTAIN that they cause unhappiness. Duh! Lack of sleep, lack of money, the cancer thingy on my leg, relationships ending, running out of gas in my car, not enough time, getting the flu, people dying, war, earthquakes.

Do these experiences REALLY cause unhappiness? What if they don’t? Almost hard to imagine, right?

But that’s what The Work brings. Even if it’s just the possibility that what I’m believing isn’t actually 100% true, and peace is possible, even in this “difficult” experience.

What if I CAN stand it? What if my life goes on? Or even if it doesn’t? Am I sure I couldn’t stand THAT?

So I watched what happened with the thing called cancer on my leg. I cried on the surgeon’s table as I was being wheeled in, but it was like my tears were not 100% serious. I thought about Jesus when he knew what was about to happen with the whole crucifixion situation and he said “God, do I HAVE to? Are you sure I can stand it? I’m not so sure about this!”

Now there’s just a big 3 inch scar on my leg where there was once 45 stitches. I like to say I got in a sword fight with a pirate. What if having a cancer tumor cut out of your thigh is just as exciting as getting stabbed by a pirate? It’s a pretty good story. The key word being STORY.

“We’re using mind to enlighten mind, because there isn’t anything else….When we realize that it’s our own mind that is causing our suffering, then The Work begins, then the fun begins. It’s living in a whole other polarity, a whole other realm. And what I love about it is we no longer believe that the world is causing our suffering, that it CAN cause our suffering. It can’t not ever—no chance of it.”—Byron Katie

What do you find that you think you can’t stand today? Or yesterday? Or ever?

What if you can stand it? What if there are advantages to standing it that you may not have even thought of yet?

Much love, Grace

P.S. Come to Breitenbush if you’re wanting to question that painful story you have of your body. June 26-30, 2013. Click the link next to Breitenbush below to read all about it, and for the phone number.

May 4, 2013

A Good Story: Enemy Turns To Friend

Sitting on my couch yesterday morning in my little cottage, with lilac blooms in the air and sun (imagine that in Seattle) streaming through the blinds, I felt such gratitude as the current RH2H teleclass did The Work together on the phone.

RH2H stands for Relationship Hell To Heaven.

Yes, that means ANY relationship. Even that really awful one that feels like fiery hell, frustration, sadness or pain when you think about it and remember it, even if it’s long over.

Or maybe its a relationship that feels rocky….good some moments, bad others, not easy somehow, not pleasant.

Many people as they look at the course of their lives can see relationships that went sour, something happened and things changed course, there was conflict, there was a situation, fear entered the scene, lack of love permeated the communication.

Maybe something surprising was revealed, or the way you thought you knew someone turned out to be inaccurate.

Some people would say “if those are friends, who needs enemies?!”

In the past couple of years, I had two of those kinds of relationships where I had the thought “Wow….really?” and felt enormous disappointment and near shock.

Now the funny thing is….all great dramas are full of relationship surprises. It’s what makes Shakespeare so famous. And soap operas.

As Eckhart Tolle said….any great movie has the following element:

Something goes wrong.

The thing is, if we get stuck in the part of the story where something went wrong, and give up, resent forever, rage against, or attack the person who became an enemy….then things stay trapped in the dark places and….. it gets kind of boring.

No one wants to continue reading the story, or watching the movie.

The good part is when there is a great battle, something is now set right, something is overcome, and Great Peace prevails over the land.

In fact many of the most famous and wonderful tales open where the world has been dominated by a long period of dark chaos….but we’re about to enter the part of the story where light returns, awareness, adventure, and glory!

The light and glory and love and beauty, you can see, come out of sorrow, unconsciousness, desperation and dischord. In the great stories, at least.

So maybe, those people who have caused trouble are giving you the chance for brilliance and love beyond what you’ve ever known.

Perhaps there could be no adventure, no breaking free from blindness, without them.

I know this is true for me.

“If I see an enemy, I need to take another look…because that is my friend, not my enemy. Enemies enlighten me to myself. That makes them friends. In the world of the personality, friends are people who agree with you. You say ‘look at him, he is a terrible person’ and friends agree ‘yes he is a terrible person’…so now you have the people who believe like YOU do. The cult of people that preach The Universe Is Mean And Unfriendly. And if one of those friends says….’is it true, are you sure, is he really a terrible person?’ then your cult is threatened and you have to kick them out of the Who-Agrees-With-You Cult, because they dared to question what you believe about the nature of the universe. So, look to enemies as friends, and friends and friends.”~Byron Katie

I may tell the story of how I was hurt by that person in my life, or shocked, or scared, or terribly sad….but if I tell that story, I notice that then my job is to do The Work and question my thoughts, question my story.

I find, and continue to find, goodness that comes out of that troubling experience I had with that person.

I find real, genuine examples of how without that challenging person, I would not be where I am today.

In the two relationships I thought of, that felt really off, I find many examples for it being really good that it went the way it went. They offered the following awareness, and I honestly might not have such deep, deep appreciation for these without those “enemies”.

I’m more confident than ever about my amazing career working with people all over the world to find freedom from stressful thinking
I have great appreciation for all my colleagues, grad-school professors, and mentors in counseling who are a part of my professional life
I adore my darling husband and his many easy and loving, mature qualities
I love my life of freedom from extreme addictive behavior including co-dependency
I love the lack of alcohol, drugs, using, overeating, and craving in my life
I get more than ever what genuine open and free friendship really means
I take care of myself very well, especially my health and well-being
I say “no” when I feel it much sooner, and “yes” sooner as well

I see my part in the dramas that occurred. I say into the universe, to the image of that person in my mind (it is not necessary to contact that person unless you realize its the right thing for you to do):

“Thank you for doing that—thank you for being yourself”.

Interacting with those “difficult” people gave me some of the biggest lessons, growth and joy of my life.

What are examples of good things that came out of your troubling relationships? See if you can find at least three.

This is your time for making it a GREAT STORY!

And, if your tough relationships have been with FOOD or MONEY….join the teleclass that starts in June and spend eight weeks in discovery around these sometimes VERY troubling relationships.

Horrible Food Wonderful Food meets on Tuesdays starting June 11th from 5:15-6:45 pm Pacific time and Earning Money meets on Thursdays starting June 13th also from 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time.

Both teleclasses already have people enrolled, and they are limited to 10 people max, so come on board if it’s right for you this time around, if its time to question that painful story.

Much love, Grace

May 3, 2013

Should You Stay Or Should You Go?

There are some great, wide open, ever-developing questions in life…like what This all means?

But today, after many existential conversations lately (and they may never end) like “who are you?” I noticed the fun of going back to basics.

A wonderful inquirer was working on her desire to make a decision about a boyfriend this morning.

Should she stay or should she go?

What a common human question around relationships…but also moving, changing jobs, pursuing education….so many areas where the decision will apparently make a difference in life.

When I was a teenager and then later into my twenties (really, it is still part of my personality, just no angst about it now mostly) I had a TERRIBLE time making decisions.

Not only did I have a terrible time knowing which way to turn, which avenue to pursue, and whether to choose Yes or No, I also thought it was awful that I had such a difficult time MAKING the decision in the first place.

I had a lot of ideas that people who make decisions quickly and clearly are more powerful.Better. So of course, if I didn’t KNOW yet what to choose, I also felt secretly bad about myself.

Anyone having a hard time making a decision….I find out first if they’re judging themselves for NOT making one. They can question whether or not they really need to make one, really really right now.

They can question the thought “I SHOULD make a decision”.

But let’s say that part is handled, and they still have trouble deciding. They still feel anxious, or weigh the pros and cons, or research until after midnight, trying to “get” the answer.

What else might be going on?

There is something very important about this decision. It is life-changing. To get married or not, to have a child or not, to sell the house or not.

It SEEMS like it’s a big freakin’ huge decision.

What it has been for me is the perception of there being a RISK. Something to be afraid of.

Finding out what it is, the dangers about the upcoming possibilities after the decision, can offer incredible insights.

I might feel lonely
I will lose my current life as I know it
I could regret my choice
I’ll never get this person/place/home/experience back again
I’ll eliminate other possibilities in my life forever
I will feel bad, stressed, afraid, unhappy in the future…because of this decision

When there is a lot to lose, in your perception, and you really don’t want to lose then decisions can feel hard.

There is nothing wrong with projecting where peoples’ paths take them into a future most commonly, for example, should I attend graduate school or not? I may see that many people who love their work, and who have successful careers, also went to graduate school in a field they loved.

I may see that many people who get married are very content and happy in having one mate. I may see many people who downsize and live in a small home (or who upsize and live in a really big home) enjoy their lives.

As soon as you scratch the surface, however, you’ll see that the formula breaks down, and it’s actually impossible to know what will happen FOR YOU.

All you really have to base your decision on is what is happening right here, right now, in the present moment.

I either move towards or I move away from something in the present. Enough accumulated movements toward or movements away lead to something that looks different, later.

The sweet client decided to rewrite a Judge-Your-Neighbor worksheet on her boyfriend.

Rather than focusing on what she should or should not do.

That way, we could look at all the current judgments, thoughts, stressful beliefs, and upsets, and see if she was seeing them with clarity.

“The Master does his job and then stops. He understands that the universe is forever out of control, and that trying to dominate events goes against the current of the Tao. Because he believes in himself, he doesn’t try to convince others. Because he is content with himself, he doesn’t need others’ approval. Because he accepts himself, the whole world accepts him.”~Tao Te Ching #30

My job is to look at my fears, my worry about what I see HERE and NOW.

In the midst of not being able to control anything…not being able to change anyone….how can I feel the deep contentedness with myself no matter what is going on around me?

That person, those events, that institution, this situation…if I am content, I notice that it becomes very clear which direction to turn, left or right…or sit at the intersection for awhile.

I notice what feels like a more easy, contented match, for now, and that’s the way I move.

No idea what tomorrow will bring. Easy to say “yes”, easy to say “no” if its called for.

“When you become a lover of what is, there are no more decisions to make. In my life, I just wait and watch. I know that the decision will be made in its own time, so I let go of when, where, and how. I like to say I’m a woman with no future. When there are no decisions to make, there’s no planned future. All my decisions are made for me, just as they’re all made for you.”~Byron Katie

Weighing, thinking, examining all the possibilities are all fabulous…its a fun way to use the mind. But if you notice lots of anxiety under the surface about whatever decision is made…that’s the call to look deeper.

To do The Work.

And, you will know and be OK if it’s time to say goodbye because something different calls to you…moving away or moving toward, both exciting.

Much love, Grace