A dear inquirer mentioned the other day that she was tired of dating…that her bounce-back level was waning.
Not sure she wanted to keep trying to connect with men. At all.
She was feeling this way after having an unpleasant experience that felt a bit scary for her after meeting someone online.
We all get discouraged sometimes.
We look at our stuff (also called by another word that also starts with “s”) and think thoughts like the following:
- I give up
- I’ll never get this right
- I need to avoid the bad stuff, but I don’t know 100% how
- I just don’t know enough, or have what it takes, to succeed
- If only “x” hadn’t happened, I wouldn’t be in this discouraging situation
- If only I had the chance for “y” then I’d be better off now
- there’s surely something wrong with me
- What did I do to deserve this?
- This is too hard
What do these thoughts feel like physically, when you believe them?
I can practically feel my own shoulders cave in on themselves and a heavy weight push down on my back from behind. My energy sinks down. My mind says “F*%$ It!”
There are several strategies that enter for repairing a set-back or feeling of failure: I’ll regroup and try harder, I’ll keep going by golly even if it kills me, I’ll take a break and give up and do nothing, I’ll free-fall and stop caring, I’ll get distracted and attack (or help) someone else, I’ll switch over to another project and put all my energy into THAT instead (like cleaning out a closet).
All these might give some relief, and they are very natural. And then, you’ll probably circle back to the same original thought again at some point in the future….this place that I am now is not good enough. It could be better.
Right now in this moment, I can conjure that thought when it comes to two experiences I’m currently having: physical pain in back and hip, and wanting more money.
If I sit with these two beliefs, I can definitely find where this point, this measurement or snap-shot of this here now is NOT good enough…and it could be better.
Yep, I’m pretty sure it would be better if I had really strong back and stomach muscles (and lets throw in the arms while we’re at it, they’re looking a little saggy) and I’m pretty sure it would be better if I had a million bucks suddenly added to my bank account.
So even if I’m jesting (kind of), and know how not to take myself very seriously….it’s great to revisit these areas and look deeply with what I think I would gain if I acquired these things, if I had them.
Looking deeply with an inquiring, curious, not-so-judgmental mind is exciting!! And it isn’t really a strategy, that has temporary results. It has a way of causing me to look and get very clear….creating relief and joy beyond any of the other temporary measures for handling stressful, discouraged thinking.
So I look with open eyes and no planned goal, only wanting to understand and know the truth.
IF I had these better/more/easier things, such as the ones I mentioned, I believe I would be able to relax, be secure, feel attractive, love more.
I would feel more love and enthusiasm….IF I had more money and a tip-top body.
Is that really true?
Am I absolutely positive that more money or stronger muscles brings more love and enthusiasm?
YES! YES!
And I see how stressful it is….to look at what is here and have it not measure up. Over there is better. Seriously.
Ow.
Who would I be without the thought that over there would be better than HERE, like this, now? Really imagine it! If you couldn’t have the thought that something else would be better than this.
At first you might think “I’d be crazy outta my gourd!” without that thought.
But let yourself sit with what it might be like, if you were NOT CRAZY, or in denial, or confused, or mistaken, or wrong.
Can you catch a glimpse of it? If you really did NOT KNOW that it would be any better if these improvements were made?
What if this, the way it is right now, is the best it could possibly be, for the highest order, the highest good, the way of it?
How would you feel? What would you be like?
I get the instant feeling of letting go of a tight vice grip. I stare at everything around me. I feel wonder.
Innocent eyes, innocent ears, mind just doing its thing no big deal, watching, waiting.
Turning the whole situation around to the opposite:
- I give up!….and its not sad, it’s easier, it’s fine, it’s gentle, giving up is kind
- I’ll never get this wrong
- I don’t need to avoid anything bad….it’s really OK I don’t know how
- I just don’t know enough, or have what it takes, to fail
- If only “x” hadn’t happened, I wouldn’t be in this amazingly wonderful situation
- If only I had the chance for “y” then I’d be worse off now
- there’s surely something right with me
- What did I do to deserve this rocking awesome incredible powerful experience?
- This is easy, it’s not too hard
I find examples of how these are true. I imagine the turnarounds, I open up to them being possible.
Even with a little more openness, I feel a lightness in my step. I hear a voice that says “oh, I wonder what’s next?!”
“In harmony with the Tao, the sky is clear and spacious, the earth is solid and full, all creatures flourish together, content with the way they are, endlessly repeating themselves, endlessly renewed….The Master views the parts with compassion, because he understands the whole. His constant practice is humility. He doesn’t glitter like a jewel but lets himself be shaped by the Tao, as rugged and common as a stone.”~Tao Te Ching #39
View the parts of your mind with compassion, even the one that says “I give up”.
GOSH, now that I think about it…I feel no pain in my back or hip at the moment, as I sit quietly without pushing. I also notice that there is enough money.
Love and enthusiasm are here, now. I don’t need anything to be different for that to be true.
You are being shaped by the Tao. Let go, see what happens. Everything returns to harmony. Seriously.
If you want to comment, ask a question, or share your experience about doing The Work on this topic….head over to the website and leave a comment under this post. It’s fun to read your thoughts, and I always respond.
Much love, Grace
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