Tag: letting go

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Thinking of quitting? It’s probably not up to you. Drop the probably.

The other afternoon, a thought popped into my head. It wasn’t exactly peaceful.

“You should just quit.”

The thought was about working. Running my business, doing The Work for a living.

Right in the middle of an afternoon.

  • this will go on forever
  • I’ll never have any savings (or enough of ‘x’)
  • you haven’t amounted to much
  • so what (referring to just about anything)
  • I can’t retire like other people
I thought about canceling my noon yoga class, and the plan to work on the chapter I’m writing for an upcoming book on The Work, and definitely let’s not think about another podcast.
Who cares! 
The funny thing was, it was probably my brain trying to get me to take a break, go outside, relax. Or it was just a random suggestion. I love how the mind will recommend quitting when things seem a little bit hard, or very hard.
I notice these “So What” kinds of thoughts about work and projects come in only when I’m pushing hard, not taking any breaks, skipping meditation, not pausing to do The Work, avoiding rest.
But people, including me, frequently have this thought about quitting when they get upset with someone, feel pushed in between a rock and a hard place, and don’t know another way out. In an extreme way, “quitting” is what people are doing who feel suicidal and imagine exiting life here on planet earth.
Do you have anything you’ve thought about quitting recently?
You should.
Is it true?
No.
How do I react when I have the thought I should quit?
I have pictures of a future where I am no longer doing the thing. No longer in that relationship. No longer going to that location. No longer doing that work.
It is really amazing how powerful the urge to LEAVE is. Cut ’em off! I’m never speaking to her again! Goodbye forever! I quit!
Who would I be without the story of quitting?
Noticing I continue. I stick with the person, situation, circumstance, activity, or not. And it may have little to do with the thought of quitting.
Or nothing at all to do with it.
Turning the thought around: I don’t quit. I quit my thinking. “It” quit me.
All of these options have been true….and now that I think about it and do The Work on this idea of quitting….
….I’m not sure I’ve ever been the one that made quitting happen. I either just knew it was time to stop, or not. Perhaps fatigue and exhaustion caused quitting. Perhaps an awareness the thing wasn’t required resulted in quitting. Perhaps doing The Work caused quitting.
Perhaps there was no quitting whatsoever, even though the idea ran so loudly through my mind.
Here I am writing down the thoughts, sharing them with other people, doing The Work right in front of everyone (as a reader once said to me).
“I follow the way of it, which is always revealed in the moment. It’s God’s will, and it’s always crystal clear. When you no longer have a will of your own, there is no time and space. It all becomes a flow. You don’t decide, you flow from one happening to the next, and everything is decided for you…..This morning I had the thought to shower, and I notice that I stayed with the email. I find that fascinating. Showering was a wonderful idea. Will it move to that, or not? It’s exciting to wait and watch and allow life to move at its own pace as it continues to do what it does.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names for Joy
 
I have the idea to quit. I don’t quit. I have the idea to quit. One day I do.
Is it happening because I’ve decided so?
Never.
There are so many beautiful complexities to the life, the flow, the world. They include this mind, sometimes talking it seems to no one.
The ultimate full-blown complete opposite turnaround: I should just begin. But it’s already happening.
  • this will go on forever YAY!
  • I’ll always have enough of everything I need! WOOHOO!
  • you haven’t amounted to much, which is PERFECT
  • so what (referring to just about anything) HOORAY!
  • I can’t retire like other people. SO LUCKY!
Every new moment, beginning fresh. Looking around at the unknown, the mysterious, the shape of this room, the going for a walk, returning home, writing. Activities did change today. Nothing quit. Life is still here, continuing, never-ending. Always more possibilities, always room for The Work, always life just here, being.

Much love,

Grace

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Be An Unaccomplished Mess–And Have Fun

birdondock
the bird doesn’t fly to accomplish something, it just flies

For the first time I’m writing TWO notes per day.

These here Grace Notes, my own work right in front of you in writing….and then Eating Peace notes which will only be happening for awhile, until the Eating Peace program starts on October 26th at 8:30 am.

(If you wanted to be on the Eating Peace list, too, you don’t have to join the program to read what I’m sending…really vital parts of what I learned over the years that helped me recover completely from eating wars. To subscribe to Eating Peace notes, just click the little tiny words at the bottom of this note that say “Update Profile/Email Address” and you can add yourself to the Eating Peace list.)

I almost can’t believe I’m writing so much, and how it simply spills out of me like I’m turning on a faucet!

People ask me how I do it?

I could say a few details on how, and they may be interesting or helpful…

….like, I make sure I have time in my schedule now twice a day without clients, I can type 150 words per minute, I always have an idea running in the back of my mind, I get inspired by clients every day and THEIR thoughts….

….but really, that’s all yada yada.

For some reason, this is what is happening.

I had no plan for it. I don’t have an explanation for it either.

My expression into the world is in writing, doing my inquiry, running workshops and creating programs for some weird bizarre reason.

But let’s say you WANT to do something, and you notice you DON’T do it .

Maybe you want to write every day like me. Or maybe you want to earn more money, get in better shape, learn to play the mandolin, speak French, change careers, visit Argentina, go on a cruise, make a room in your home better, find a mate, clean out your shed, upgrade your car, get the dandelions out of your yard, lose twenty pounds.

The mind will go on and on with projects.

Some repeat themselves regularly.

It really seems like you should accomplish them. Or someone else close to you should accomplish something!

This is pretty fun for inquiry. You may feel lighter, once this is over.

You should accomplish what you way you want to accomplish.

They should accomplish what YOU want them to accomplish (and they say they want to accomplish).

Is it true?

Well…duh! Of course I want to earn more money! Of course I want to finish my book! Of course I want my husband to lose some weight!

All around better. Sure of it.

Really?

YES.

How do you react when you think that idea should become a reality? When you really believe that you ought to get it done? When you absolutely think THEY ought to get it handled?

*IRRITATED!!!*

A huge wave of frustration comes over me. I could storm around railing about how this isn’t done, that isn’t done.

Last summer 2013, I decided in early June that this was the summer to get the shed cleaned out.

I scheduled it on my calendar for August, a whole weekend to clean out the shed.

I was very committed. I got a truck. I planned. I kept two full days clear, Saturday and Sunday. I scheduled nothing.

I was successful!

I got all MY boxes cleaned out, I took stuff to the dump, I took stuff to Goodwill, I stacked things neatly.

The only little part left was that my kids and husband, I had decided, ALSO needed to clean out THEIR boxes in the shed and eliminate, throw away, label, do all the shed-type-cleaning-out stuff.

That part never happened.

AAARRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!

Heh heh.

Now, summer 2014 just ended. No further shed-cleaning has happened from the other said parties.

Let’s just say, how I react when I believe it SHOULD be accomplished is….well….a little like Hitler marching around a whacking things with a stick.

Who would I be if I couldn’t even have the thought that something should be accomplished that is NOT yet accomplished?

Oh. Gosh.

Suddenly, laughter!

Without the belief that anything special should be happening, without the belief that all those things you want done should be done by now, or it would be better if they were….

….it’s like soaring in a wide open sky.

Nothing expected. Nothing necessary. Nothing needed in order to “get” somewhere. No accomplishing required.

And I notice I loved doing all that shed stuff, it made me happy. It makes no difference if I thought other people should also want to do it, too.

“When you no longer have a will of your own, there is no time and space. It all becomes a flow. You don’t decide, you flow from one happening to the next, and everything is decided for you.” ~ Byron Katie

Without any of that stuff on your list done, or even started…with none of it complete at all…could you still be happy right now, in this moment?

Yes. Giddy almost.

Do you think you’d be more likely to do that thing you imagine doing from this joyful place, or from the angry place?

This is fun.

“You’ll never reach a point in your life where everything is solved, all neatly tied up in a bow. That’s the point…..You learn to love the mess of your life…..” ~ Jeff Foster

Much love, Grace

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Letting Go In Grief

Yesterday morning I learned that a young man had died who I did not know extremely well. Not the details of his life, or what he was doing every day.

Whatever “knowing” someone extremely well means….

I had found him totally and completely delightful and sweet, like giving him a big huge hug, from the moment I met him. Like recognizing a long-lost friend.

He came to the dance I facilitate with my partner, and several other dances attended by many people who love to dance in Seattle.

When I learned he was gone, I began to weep.

He reminded me of my son from the very start….they look fairly similar, are close in age, and have a kind-hearted, joyful, unassuming energy.

Maybe this is why I felt so tender towards him.

Or maybe it was because he reminded me of myself.

Seeking answers, asking questions, craving understanding, observing the love and pain of this world and having a great hunger to know.

When I was 22, the age of this dear young man, I suffered deeply from my own thoughts about life and death.

Life actually felt very difficult at the time. I had dropped out of college. I wasn’t sure which direction to take. I wanted only to read philosophical works, spiritual scripture and sacred text, and talk about meaningful life-and-death matters.

Fortunately (I can now say it was fortunate) that never stopped.

And here today, learning of this death, I feel very contemplative and full of grief.

Almost like its too much to write about, and yet it is here, filling my consciousness.

Death feels so decisive, permanent. It feels like loss.

Every single one of us has known others who have died.

And what is this moment when the awareness that someone is gone occurs, and there is a powerful energy that moves like a great wave?

The temporary nature of everything presents itself.

Here again today….everything is temporary.

This past year I have encountered two other deaths of people I knew and loved. I still think about them. I still see them talking, smiling, in my mind. So vivid.

I still see my own father, gone so many years apparently, standing in the kitchen, cooking and wearing a big chef’s apron. Like it was yesterday.

Talking, smiling, his facial expressions, his wire-rimmed glasses.

The mind calls up the picture with such acute precision, so real.

Then the feeling enters, an expression of the thoughts and beliefs.

The grief pours in when I have the thought “I will never have that again” or “I want more of this image, this person, but more is impossible”.

Can I be with this memory, and allow it to live, in big-screen technicolor? Just let it be here, this full-blown memory of this wonderful person who I loved?

Because when I can let it live here in this present moment, when I take in my surroundings (oak table, green chairs, silver laptop computer, family baby photos, sound of airplane, white flower in vase, pink fingernails typing) then this is all here, as well as the internal image (his face, smiling, laughing, head tipped back, brown eyes, happiness).

All here. Things, pictures, memories, feelings, grief, appreciation, love.

Unknown, mysterious, impermanent, wild.

Letting go of the demand, the ache to have more of something….more time, more connection, more of that memory, that person, more, more, please more.

Even being with the feeling of wanting more.

Recently, a dear friend offered this poem on the anniversary of her husband’s passing.

Today, I share it with you, in honor of those who have gone before, whose images I hold in my mind and heart.

When the heart breaks open with letting go.

Walking Away
For Sean
C Day Lewis

It is eighteen years ago, almost to the day –
A sunny day with leaves just turning,
The touch-lines new-ruled – since I watched you play
Your first game of football, then, like a satellite
Wrenched from its orbit, go drifting away

Behind a scatter of boys. I can see
You walking away from me towards the school
With the pathos of a half-fledged thing set free
Into a wilderness, the gait of one
Who finds no path where the path should be.

That hesitant figure, eddying away
Like a winged seed loosened from its parent stem,
Has something I never quite grasp to convey
About nature’s give-and-take – the small, the scorching
Ordeals which fire one’s irresolute clay.

I have had worse partings, but none that so
Gnaws at my mind still. Perhaps it is roughly
Saying what God alone could perfectly show –
How selfhood begins with a walking away,
And love is proved in the letting go. 

Love, Grace

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Secret Of Giving Up Glittering Like A Jewel

A dear inquirer mentioned the other day that she was tired of dating…that her bounce-back level was waning.

Not sure she wanted to keep trying to connect with men. At all.

She was feeling this way after having an unpleasant experience that felt a bit scary for her after meeting someone online.

We all get discouraged sometimes.

We look at our stuff (also called by another word that also starts with “s”) and think thoughts like the following:

  • I give up
  • I’ll never get this right
  • I need to avoid the bad stuff, but I don’t know 100% how
  • I just don’t know enough, or have what it takes, to succeed
  • If only “x” hadn’t happened, I wouldn’t be in this discouraging situation
  • If only I had the chance for “y” then I’d be better off now
  • there’s surely something wrong with me
  • What did I do to deserve this?
  • This is too hard

What do these thoughts feel like physically, when you believe them?

I can practically feel my own shoulders cave in on themselves and a heavy weight push down on my back from behind. My energy sinks down. My mind says “F*%$ It!”

There are several strategies that enter for repairing a set-back or feeling of failure: I’ll regroup and try harder, I’ll keep going by golly even if it kills me, I’ll take a break and give up and do nothing, I’ll free-fall and stop caring, I’ll get distracted and attack (or help) someone else, I’ll switch over to another project and put all my energy into THAT instead (like cleaning out a closet).

All these might give some relief, and they are very natural. And then, you’ll probably circle back to the same original thought again at some point in the future….this place that I am now is not good enough. It could be better.

Right now in this moment, I can conjure that thought when it comes to two experiences I’m currently having: physical pain in back and hip, and wanting more money.

If I sit with these two beliefs, I can definitely find where this point, this measurement or snap-shot of this here now is NOT good enough…and it could be better.

Yep, I’m pretty sure it would be better if I had really strong back and stomach muscles (and lets throw in the arms while we’re at it, they’re looking a little saggy) and I’m pretty sure it would be better if I had a million bucks suddenly added to my bank account.

So even if I’m jesting (kind of), and know how not to take myself very seriously….it’s great to revisit these areas and look deeply with what I think I would gain if I acquired these things, if I had them.

Looking deeply with an inquiring, curious, not-so-judgmental mind is exciting!! And it isn’t really a strategy, that has temporary results. It has a way of causing me to look and get very clear….creating relief and joy beyond any of the other temporary measures for handling stressful, discouraged thinking.

So I look with open eyes and no planned goal, only wanting to understand and know the truth.

IF I had these better/more/easier things, such as the ones I mentioned, I believe I would be able to relax, be secure, feel attractive, love more.

I would feel more love and enthusiasm….IF I had more money and a tip-top body.

Is that really true?

Am I absolutely positive that more money or stronger muscles brings more love and enthusiasm?

YES! YES!

And I see how stressful it is….to look at what is here and have it not measure up. Over there is better. Seriously.

Ow.

Who would I be without the thought that over there would be better than HERE, like this, now? Really imagine it! If you couldn’t have the thought that something else would be better than this.

At first you might think “I’d be crazy outta my gourd!” without that thought.

But let yourself sit with what it might be like, if you were NOT CRAZY, or in denial, or confused, or mistaken, or wrong.

Can you catch a glimpse of it? If you really did NOT KNOW that it would be any better if these improvements were made?

What if this, the way it is right now, is the best it could possibly be, for the highest order, the highest good, the way of it?

How would you feel? What would you be like?

I get the instant feeling of letting go of a tight vice grip. I stare at everything around me. I feel wonder.

Innocent eyes, innocent ears, mind just doing its thing no big deal, watching, waiting.

Turning the whole situation around to the opposite:

  • I give up!….and its not sad, it’s easier, it’s fine, it’s gentle, giving up is kind
  • I’ll never get this wrong
  • I don’t need to avoid anything bad….it’s really OK I don’t know how
  • I just don’t know enough, or have what it takes, to fail
  • If only “x” hadn’t happened, I wouldn’t be in this amazingly wonderful situation
  • If only I had the chance for “y” then I’d be worse off now
  • there’s surely something right with me
  • What did I do to deserve this rocking awesome incredible powerful experience?
  • This is easy, it’s not too hard

I find examples of how these are true. I imagine the turnarounds, I open up to them being possible.

Even with a little more openness, I feel a lightness in my step. I hear a voice that says “oh, I wonder what’s next?!”

“In harmony with the Tao, the sky is clear and spacious, the earth is solid and full, all creatures flourish together, content with the way they are, endlessly repeating themselves, endlessly renewed….The Master views the parts with compassion, because he understands the whole. His constant practice is humility. He doesn’t glitter like a jewel but lets himself be shaped by the Tao, as rugged and common as a stone.”~Tao Te Ching #39

View the parts of your mind with compassion, even the one that says “I give up”.

GOSH, now that I think about it…I feel no pain in my back or hip at the moment, as I sit quietly without pushing. I also notice that there is enough money.

Love and enthusiasm are here, now. I don’t need anything to be different for that to be true.

You are being shaped by the Tao. Let go, see what happens. Everything returns to harmony. Seriously.

If you want to comment, ask a question, or share your experience about doing The Work on this topic….head over to the website and leave a comment under this post. It’s fun to read your thoughts, and I always respond.

Much love, Grace

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