Tag: the work of Byron Katie

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At Peace Filling Out Forms

Last night I was sitting at my desk in my quiet little living room (the same place I hold workshops) and had the plan to “quickly” look up an old email to find a contact name, so I could print something out.

That was going to happen…”quickly”.

Before dusk, so that I could have a nice late summer evening walk with my sweetie to the local store before it closed.

I inadvertently landed, for some odd reason, with an email at the top of my search list that had nothing to do with what I was originally searching for….

….however, the email was a short administrative email about a PIN number for my son’s college financial aid application.

Just glancing at this email, which I have no idea why it was at the top of the list, I suddenly had the thought “hmmmm, I wonder if his financial aid application got filed?”

Now, I am someone who usually files things like taxes, paperwork, administrative-ish items long before their deadlines. I remember the social security numbers of my kids without even trying to memorize them. I have no idea why.

In other ways, I’m a complete space cadet. Like major appointments completely forgotten, or on wrong day.

So I clicked on that email immediately, as I got the gut feeling that I better check in on this issue.

Sure enough…once logging in to the correct government account, very official-official looking, I discovered NO FORM FILED.

Taxes were filed early, just so this form could be completed early, so that my son would get first-round financial analysis attention for his sophomore year college tuition.

About an hour later, I pushed “submit” on the form and it was officially filed….about five months “late”.

The funny part (it’s quite funny to me now, the next day) is that on the walk to the store, which was well past dusk by that time, I started thinking things like this:

  • what if my son can’t go to college in the fall?
  • aren’t “they” (whoever “they” are) wondering at the university why his form isn’t in?
  • was someone supposed to notify us?
  • what is WRONG with me?
  • why do I have to include my new husband’s income, when he’s not my son’s father?
  • I’ll be in debt trying to pay college tuition!
  • he’ll have to work instead of go to school!
  • this ruined my evening
  • I’m a terrible mother!

I have no evidence of any of this occurring, or even being likely to occur, or any of it being true. In fact, I’m quite certain that at least for this next year, there will be no interruption in my son’s college career based on this late form.

But it’s like I was all the way to “he’ll get kicked out of university!” without thinking clearly.

It reminded me that feeling afraid, a little nervous, surprised, stressed…can lead to totally UNclear thinking.

Extreme thinking.

WHAT-IF thinking.

So I asked myself…that form should have been submitted in February…is that true?

Ha! No. Apparently, not at all. Because it was submitted yesterday. Reality = form got completed and sent in JULY.

I love the way the mind will say that something should go backwards in time and happen differently in the past, even though the past is completely over and now we are here in the present.

As if.

Who would I be without the thought that paperwork should have been done earlier, sooner, differently?

Without the thought that this is “bad”, that I am a forgetful or too non-detailed mom, that I should have paid more attention, that my son’s life will change forever because of the date on this form?

Good lord, so much more fun, so much lighter.

I would realize I have no idea, at all, what this means for the outcome. I would notice that it was magical that the email search revealed that particular old email, and *ping* it dawned on me to notice.

I would be excited about NOT apparently needing to remember, because somehow the form link popped up in my computer through other weird coincidences.

This has happened many times since questioning my thoughts about needing to remember EVERYTHING…coincidences, lightness, no need for lists, planning, or making sure things are scheduled and handled all the time (not that those are bad things, just not so critical).

“If powerful men and women could remain centered in the Tao, all things would be in harmony. The world would become a paradise. All people would be at peace, and the law would be written in their hearts. When you have names and forms, know that they are provisional. When you have institutions, know where their functions should end. Knowing when to stop, you can avoid any danger. All things end in the Tao as rivers flow to the sea.”~ Tao Te Ching #32

I remember today, looking with curiosity and inquiry that this form paperwork thing is provisional, that it has a function and it will end, and activity will happen or not, and life is quite fabulous whether there is college, or no college, or applications completed or not completed, acceptance occurs or does not occur.

Perhaps if the lack of the existence of the form leads to something entirely different happening…that direction will be amazing. Who knows?

Every step flowing to the sea, always.

Love, Grace

P.S. To comment on this post, click HERE. I love responding!

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Question Authority, Get A Kinder Reality

This month the One Year Group that began in June together to practice self-inquiry for a whole year began our second month’s module…on Authority.

Authority brings up all kinds of images and ideas for people….and the key here with self-inquiry is to look at what is stressful.

The immediate image that popped in my head when considering my latest mental forays with “authority” was the bumper sticker QUESTION AUTHORITY.

I saw it when I was a teenager in the 1970s.

There seemed to be something exciting about the idea of questioning authority (whatever it was) but also a little frightening.

The dictionary defines authority in several ways as having the power to do something: make a final decision, to enforce laws, exact obedience, judge or command other people.

Benjamin Franklin is famous for saying “It is the first responsibility of every citizen to question authority”.  

 So there was our Inquiry Group, ready to share their situations of objecting to those authority figures in their lives….OR…those people who might be pushing against our authority (like in parenting).

I love what came forward: bosses, fathers, doctors, government departments, teenagers, head-of-committees, volunteer managers.

 Those dastardly people who are making us do something! So bossy! Or neglectful! So sharp, humorless, critical, or non-communicative!

 Not long ago, I entered a facility where I was facilitating a dance class. I had rented the dance studio, and been there many times before at the exact same time on the exact same day.

There was a completely different person behind the front desk, with a frown on her face as we approached.

“Who are you? I do not have a record of your reservation. I cannot take responsibility for your being here. I will have to make some calls. I cannot take responsibility for this if I don’t know what’s going on. Please wait outside. I am responsible for the center this morning. You can have your dance group, but the door into the building will need to remain locked.”

Her hand went up in the STOP gesture.

She looked really nervous and my mind immediately went to these kinds of thoughts:

  • she is so dang uptight!
  • she should relax, we’re OBVIOUSLY not trying to fake-rent this place
  • she should STOP REPEATING herself
  • if she says that she is responsible one more time, I will scream
  • who put this nervous ninny in authority here?
  • this should not be happening
  • she’s making us wait, and keep the door locked??!! How will people attending our dance get in fer cryin’ out loud?!

It was like a sensation in my body of being totally against this other human rose within 5 seconds. Her manner somehow hit the right buttons, inside me.

Sigh.

It is strange….the urge to defend, hit back, blast through the irritant, and consider an encounter a pain-in-the-butt.

It is not peaceful.

The part of me watching all this, the Observer who actually is entirely able to see and hear with non-freaked-out eyes and ears, said…in its usual, calm way “careful there… temper… temper.”

There were other people there with me, including my incredibly calm husband, and he began to interact with her.

I hung back, watching and nervous. It was bizarre how strong the energy was inside my body to say…um, er, I mean SCREAM…“Are you kidding me??!!”

I zipped it, took a deep breath, and allowed the other more friendly people around me to handle the “authority” figure in this situation.

Later, on the dance floor, as I moved and danced to fantastic music that seemed to fit my mood, I noticed the questioning mind, the observer, began to have a little more say about the situation.

Who would I be without the thought that she was wrong, she had made us wait, she was controlling us, or that she should have stopped talking and unlocked the door?

Even now, who am I without the thought that she was trying to manage, force, push, or hinder us in some way?

I saw her face in my mind, so worried, trying very hard to make sure all was well.

By the end of the dance, as I had looked, I realized this was a situation that was perfect for inquiry.

Even though my sensation of irritation had shifted, I hadn’t actually written anything down or worked through the concepts slowly, looking as I went at all my assumptions.

I definitely wasn’t bothered anymore, because all had gone well (I got what I wanted) and after fifteen minutes of waiting…she had opened the door and we had run our dance in the beautiful studio, just like always.

So even though I was much less upset…I wrote. I noticed that I still believed she shouldn’t have been so FREAKED OUT!

“Who would I be without the thought that the woman behind the desk had been too uptight, scared, freaked out, nervous?”

What if she was just right, the way she was? What if it made sense that she was so concerned? What if she was really caring for this facility, taking her job very seriously? What if having a little humor wasn’t accessible to her, because she was too afraid? What if she doesn’t like surprises?

Oh. That’s how I am….I sometimes don’t like big surprises. Actually, come to think of it…that’s how I was myself, right in that same situation!

Who was so uptight in that situation?

That would be ME.

If I think she shouldn’t be nervous, maybe I could try doing what I’m telling her to do! Ha!

  • I am so dang uptight! About that woman! And about the “emergency” of potentially not having a studio and having to cancel dance.
  • I should relax, I know we have rented this place but she doesn’t
  • I should stop repeating myself, saying internally how this shouldn’t be happening
  • if I tell myself that I am responsible (to all the people who are coming to dance)…
  • who put this nervous ninny in authority here? The nervous ninny being MOI.
  • this should be happening, because it is, and actually…its fine
  • she barely made us wait, and even though the door was locked, we were allowed to let people in, and the dance played on

“If you meet a person who’s rude to you, for example, your thoughts automatically are, ‘You shouldn’t behave like that!’ But of course, these thoughts conflict with reality, because the person is behaving like that.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

I know that when I argue with what is happening, when I am against it, then I lose the battle.

For me, in this situation, it was wonderful to question authority…to soften, relax, trust the way things unfolded, notice that was very smooth.

Perhaps even if that woman had bolted the doors, shut us out, and we were not able to have dance that morning…that still would have been most interesting, and just what the doctor ordered for greater clarity, ease, and happiness.

Actually, we had been meaning to take a look at other rental venues, less expensive ones, with better sound systems.

Funny how that works…

“Reality is always kinder than the story we tell about it.” ~ Byron Katie

Love,  Grace

P.S. To comment on this post, click HERE. I love responding!

P.P.S. The second group of Inquirers in a One Year Program will start together on Thursdays, September 5, 2013 5:15-6:45 pm. For all the wonderful information about the One Year Program, click HERE.

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You Have Your Own Tuning Fork

This past week the Horrible Food Wonderful Food teleclass group questioned the belief that people should not be confusing.

I was struck by the way we moved from stressful beliefs about food and eating, our bodies and our relationship to food….into this thought about a human in our lives, from whom we want clarity.

But instead this person is offering confusion!

Often, this feeling permeates many peoples’ childhood.

I want clarity! I need to know! This needs to make sense! I don’t get this, and I don’t get what that confusing person is talking about!

Arrrrgggghhhhh!!!!

When it comes to trouble with food, or any compulsive feeling, there appears to be a lot of confusion present.

  • I want to eat, but I’m not hungry
  • I want to be calm, but I’m very stressed
  • I want to be close to that person I love/admire, but I don’t understand what they want or need
  • I want to be thin, but I keep eating and eating
  • I need to know what’s going on with All This, but I don’t seem to be able to truly understand
  • I feel bad, confused, lost, sad…and I don’t know why
  • other happy people are confusing

I loved thinking about this idea of confusion being painful this week, and my relationship to confusion.

When I was 18 ready to move to college, I felt very confused about my desire to eat and eat and overeat and binge and stuff food into my mouth.

It was entirely separate from normal hunger, it was a weird trance-like state of being compelled to do it, like I couldn’t help it.

Something was triggering this behavior, and I was VERY confused about what. I had no reference for even how to figure it out…I didn’t know about the inner life of emotions and reactions and beliefs.

Fortunately, I became equally as compelled to understand myself and my behavior.

I also knew that I had whatever it took to find peace. I knew I was born a whole human being, with the capacity to heal and move through life, just like anyone else.

But how did those other people make it look so easy?

I explored, went to lectures, seminars, retreats, therapy, and read many incredible books.

Every single one helped. Every one.

They all offered a little insight, a little spark of learning, a brand new idea, another way of seeing things, an alternate position.

And then one day, not very long into my journey (I was only about 22) I was sitting with a very interesting therapist.

This man said to me, after I explained that I was really a huge mess, and full of suffering, and had had these bulimic episodes of outrageous binge-eating…

….”well, in the Roman Times, you might have been considered normal, part of the crowd. I hear they had feasts and vomited afterwards.”

He wasn’t making fun of me. He had very gentle eyes and a kind face, and many books about eating issues on his shelves, and depression and the human condition.

I remember thinking later, on my quiet walk home, that maybe I wasn’t so weird.

Maybe there were more factors present here that I thought….maybe there was society, and my family, and me….all coming together to create this experience that looked like this terrible relationship with food.

Maybe there was a way out of this confusion. Maybe there was an explanation. Maybe I might find out where the misunderstanding originated.

I knew at that time, so young in life really, that it might not be so terrible and horrendous that I was confused.

Life was complicated, life was full of opposing beliefs, a vast collection of experiences, and big feelings.

Just thinking at that time, even before I ever knew about The Work, I was inquiring.

Instead of feeling completely and fundamentally overwhelmed and wrong and like there was no way out, no answers, no hope….I felt like there was.

Even though it took me many more years of exploration, failure, worry, doubt, success, comfort, learning, understanding….and I still am on the journey….I knew I wasn’t the special weirdo who was uniquely lost beyond hope.

“The education you need is within you. How can what is already within you be taught? It can only be realized. If you’re willing to go inside and wait for the truth, your inborn wisdom meets the questions, and the answer rings true as if it were a tuning fork inside your own being.”~ Byron Katie

I knew even as I felt insane with the pain of my relationship with eating that I was not born missing something.

That’s all I needed to know. I knew that was true.

You aren’t missing anything either.

Love, Grace

P.S. On Friday, September 13th I’ll be making available, after three years of working on it, an ebook on how to move from having a violent relationship with food, to having a friendly one….by doing nothing but examining and questioning your thinking. So exciting! I thought I’d tell you now.

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Money and Sexuality Teleclasses Start Next Week

Next week two teleclasses begin: One on Money and many threads that relate to Money and the opposing or uncomfortable beliefs we have about it.

The other on Sexuality and all those thoughts that are most nerve-wracking or frightening or frustrating about THAT topic.

If you’re interested in either one click over to the teleclasses page. You can click on any teleclass page to read all about it.

Both Money and Sexuality are considered very sensitive issues. As in, so sensitive, you may not want to discuss them. Or hear other people discuss them.

It’s like there are certain codes socially that we may find ourselves automatically following, without even questioning whether they are true:

  • never say how much money you make to anyone, especially close friends or family
  • don’t talk about your attractions to other people, it causes trouble
  • don’t ask questions about sexuality, or express concerns—you’ll be embarrassed
  • if you’ve ever owed a lot of money, make sure to keep a lid on that information (people will judge you as a loser)
  • if you’ve ever had a difficult or violent sexual encounter, don’t tell anyone
  • if you’ve been in a troubling financial or sexual situation, there might be something wrong with you
  • don’t do business with friends or family, people get upset and it could ruin the relationship for life
  • if you make a lot of money or enjoy a lot of physical pleasure, people will get jealous, criticize you, feel envious, or think you are undeserving….so keep that under wraps
  • don’t talk about the details of your sexual encounters! Ewww!

I notice that people feel pretty nervous sometimes when we all gather together to identify our most troubling beliefs about Money, Work and Business OR Sexuality.

There are so many assumptions to move through, just to even be able to say your beliefs about these topics out loud! Yikes!

But as someone said recently….it’s so worth it.

Step Number One of The Work is seeing what you’re believing under the surface. These are the thoughts that you think, based on your past experience, that color how you look at your relationship with money, at how you feel about sexual feelings, attractive people, desire, or acquiring things with money, selling things, receiving money, earning money.

Step One is identifying your most upsetting beliefs. Good news: it’s not very difficult to find them.

They are there, often right in front of us in our heads (and felt in our bodies) when we have a stressful experience around one of these topics.

Something happens, and we feel worried, frustrated, anxious.

Our minds start running. These stressful thoughts are the petty, childish, embarrassing, judgmental, bitter, critical, mean, defensive, angry thoughts that are all there anyway, hanging back in the shadows.

They come out when we think we’re in danger, or threatened, or afraid that some past experience will repeat itself.

One of my most favorite discoveries in my life has been the numerous times I’ve found that telling the whole truth, asking all my questions, exposing my inner thoughts….has led to enormous freedom.

Who would you be without the thought that you shouldn’t talk about money or sex, for the danger of other people judging you, or other people behaving with uncertainty, or other people being upset, or feeling rejected?

Who would you be without the thought that you need to be quiet on these topics?

I found that when I didn’t force myself to keep thoughts about money or sexuality hidden, when I wasn’t frightened of my own thinking…..then I could use the thoughts, the issues, the beliefs I have had about these topics to become enlightened.

These areas of life offered amazing areas of investigation, for me to find out what was really true for me, to feel the peace and unconditional love available to anyone.

Who would you be without the thought that you have to hide, avoid, push away, or destroy your thinking or memories around these subjects?

You may find it’s safe to talk about them and investigate them, and a weight that has been on your mind (or physically on your body) becomes much lighter.

You may find that in your investigation and in your safety that other areas of your life, that have nothing to do with money or sexuality, become more clear, loving, and easy.

“There’s no intimacy when we’re in fear and there’s no love when we’re in fear…..it’s there, it’s just that our awareness of it is broken. So we experience this separateness. So what I invite people to do is to identify when they’re stressed out and look at their relationship, you know love and sex and what we’re all talking about here in this particular time together. We look at what we’re believing about our partner, and that either turns us off or it turns us on, physically.” ~ Byron Katie 

Finding out what you’re thinking about money or sexuality, for me, has been finding out what I fear and what I love.

What turns me on, or turns me off…with working, loving, spending, giving, receiving, being, conversing, connecting…finding out what I am believing is an amazing journey!

Come join other inquirers in exploring your thoughts and beliefs, what you have learned, observed, repeated to yourself, worried about, feared…..and see what can happen.

You may be surprised.

Who would you be without your stories around money, attraction, promotion, receiving, giving?

Who would you be if you felt joy, happiness, simplicity, love, health and ease with money or with sexuality?

“Not-knowing is true knowledge. Presuming to know is a disease. First realize that you are sick; then you can move toward health. The Master is her own physician. She has healed herself of all knowing. Thus she is truly whole.” ~ Tao Te Ching #71 

Money Teleclass: July 11-Aug 29, 5:15-6:45 pm PT, 8 weeks
Sexuality Teleclass: July 12-Aug 30, Noon-1:30 pm PT, 8 weeks

Freedom To Speak
“Thanks to all of you for such a wonderful teleclass and the freedom to speak about sex as if I was talking about a nose or arm, how cool that we have this time together…and thank you Grace for having the foresight to bring this topic to the open space of presence for us to question it.” ~ Tanya, teleclass participant

Marketing Became Easy 
“Through Grace and her class, I confronted my issues with marketing my business with patience, ease and self-compassion. She helped me open up to all my fears and depression over this issue and move beyond that without pressure and impatience. I learned so much from this course. I highly recommend it. It helped me understand that real freedom is not a how-to-do-it job. It is through being with myself as I am that I can find all the love and enthusiasm I relish from life. Results came out of who I was being, not in doing it “right” or through effort.”- Ben, teleclass participant

Love, Grace

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Free Group Inquiry Telecall Today

Let’s do The Work together!

My first free telecall is almost here—and I’m offering this at two times so you can hopefully join us, depending on your time zone.

Monday, June 10th 8:15 am  – 9:45 am Pacific time

Monday, June 10th 5:15 pm – 6:45 pm Pacific time

Here’s how to dial-in to either call:

Phone: 206-402-0100 Code: 305799#

Skype: enter “joinconference” into the dialing keypad (or your address book). Call “joinconference” then locate the keypad again and enter the code 305799#

Or listen only via your computer:

8:15 class 6/10— http://InstantTeleseminar.com/?eventID=41960046

5:15 class 6/10— http://InstantTeleseminar.com/?eventID=41960172

I won’t be able to help you connect once the call begins.

Pop in any time to listen, or come at the very start to participate. If you arrive late, there won’t be an “entry” chime so you won’t interrupt the group.

We’ll do The Work on a common, underlying stressful belief.

You will have the opportunity to quietly sit at the beginning and consider a stressful situation, contemplating it in your mind, and then picking a painful, troubling, or confusing belief about that situation.

Then together, we’ll move into inquiry on one of the concepts that someone finds that they have been thinking about their difficult situation. Something that creates stress inside when they think it!

It may be one of your concepts!

And even if it’s not…as Byron Katie says “there are no new thoughts”.

Whatever we inquire into, you may be easily able to find where you yourself have believed that thought.

This process known as The Work is so simple, anyone can do it. Come see what its like to question a stressful thought, and open to new possibilities.

Much love,

Grace

  • A Year Of Inquiry For The Addictive Mind: Life Support For The Compulsive Thinker. June 11, 2013 – May 20, 2014, Tuesday teleclasses * 2 optional in-person retreats * Powerful Group work. Click here to read all about it.
  • Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Thursdays, June 13 – August 8, 2013, 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time. No class June 27. 8 weeks $395.Register Here. 
  • Horrible Food Wonderful Food: Investigating the Love/Hate Relationship with Eating And Food. Tuesdays, June 11 – July 30, 2013 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. Register Here.
  • Our Wonderful Sexuality: A Safe Place For Inquiry on Painful Thoughts About Sexuality. Fridays, July 12 – August 30, 2013 Noon – 1:30 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. Register Here. 
  • Mini Retreats Seattle. Saturdays, 6/15, 8/10, 9/7, 10/12, 11/30, 2013, 1:30-5:30 pm. Goldilocks Cottage. $70 includes intensive, handouts, tea and snacks, $55 repeater rate. Click here to register for mini-retreats:
  • Loving Your Body Breitenbush Hot Springs Retreat. June 26-30, 2013. For all the information please click HERE.

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Work With Grace - Byron Katie Coach 

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Chicken Soup For The Nit-Picky Mind

News flash: Breitenbush has 2 spots free. Join us for an in-person inquiry retreat in Oregon June 26-30. It will be fabulous. Click here for all the info.

******

Have you ever thought of yourself as being too negative?

You notice a little complaint rise up about the temperature, or you notice that your co-worker’s laugh is rather annoying, or you see how your artwork is never quite good enough, or your spouse keeps repeating himself the same irksome way.

Today I was hiking through the jungle in Bali. Really, it was Raiders of The Lost Ark along ancient-looking paved walkways and steep staircases descending to a valley, gigantic waterfalls, wild mist rolling in, long stone stair steps all the way back up to the top of the village perched on the edge of a volcano, stunning views of the Bali Sea sparkling for a second in the distant before huge dark warm clouds rolled in again.

As I was hiking, with eyes as big as lightbulbs, it occurred to me that I haven’t included in Grace Notes enough of the glorious, quite stunning, exotic and awe-striking aspects of this country that I’ve encountered.

I’ve been too negative, mentioning a few little forays into rather minor, although perhaps stressful, situations.

What will people think!?

If you’re too negative, people get fed up. If you’re too nit-picky, people can’t take it anymore and they leave. If you’re too critical, people say mean things to you. If you’re too pessimistic, people won’t give you what you want.

The way I see it, there are two very important (and stressful) belief-systems to question in this line of thinking:

  1. I need people, I need to be liked, I want to be loved, I dislike being alone.
  2. Can I question that thing I consider to be negative, nit-picky, critical, pessimistic?

Yes, so even if the thought seems minor, sort of stupid, not really that important…and petty, childish, and dumb…put it on paper, and take it to inquiry.

For example: “her voice is too sweet like fake maple syrup” or “I don’t talk about what is positive often enough” or “He should stop talking” or “I’m too nit-picky”.

So I decided to inquire.

What is going on in that moment when I have the thought “her voice is too fakey”?

Why do I care? What does it mean?

And what about the moment I think that being negative is bad?

“I need people to like me.” Is that actually true? Yes. It would be terrible if people hate me! It would be bad if that person with the fakey voice knew what I was thinking about her.

I really do need to be a positive person. It’s just better for the world….really? 

YES!

Can I absolutely KNOW that this is true?

YES! Positivity is better! Down with negativity!

How I react when I believe the thought that people, including me, should be positive all the time? Ack, it’s a lot of work. And feels dishonest, false, like an energy-drain.

I notice, also, that when someone else seems super-dee-dooper positive like Ned Flanders, I am judgmental of them. So there’s a line…this is not really logical. I just want to control the situation and have it go “well”.

Thinking that it’s better to be one certain way becomes a trap, and I stop being able to be freely whatever is here, in this moment.

Who would I be without the thought that positive is better…because I need to be liked?

What would that really be like to NOT have the thought that I need to be any different than I am, and that I need love, or that I don’t have it already?

I’d be in the present, here looking around, noticing the mind running on like usual (that rascal) and watching it go on about its preferences and dislikes…but not really believing any of it.

I’d have a nice conversation with the syrup-voice woman and find she’s very awesome, and I’d notice he doesn’t interrupt me about 98% of the time, and I’d realize that sometimes, it’s hilariously funny how negative the mind can get.

When I turn all the thoughts around, I discover that I’m not too negative, and sometimes I’m too positive (ha!) and I’m noticing just the right amount of tiny details (the nit-picky part) and I actually do not need that person, or anyone, to like me.

“As soon as you look at the world through an ideology you are finished. No reality fits an ideology. Life is beyond that…. That is why people are always searching for a meaning to life… Meaning is only found when you go beyond meaning. Life only makes sense when you perceive it as mystery and it makes no sense to the conceptualizing mind.” ~ Anthony de Mello

It is indeed a strange mystery that I never could have predicted a decade ago, or EVER, that I would be in another land called Bali.

I have learned so much, and watched my mind, and been delighted in the Course in Miracles idea being so vivid “I do not know what anything is for.”

And I also know that you don’t have to go here, ever, to have adventure. Life is a mystery, right where you are.

Love, Grace

P.S. Three spaces left in the One Year Program which starts on Tuesday, June 11th at 8:00 am Pacific time with our first 90 minute telecall…an inner adventure in reality. Also, 8 week MONEY class Thursdays, June 13th 5:15 pm – 6:45 pm Pacific time, and FOOD/EATING class Tuesdays, June 11th 5:15 pm – 6:45 pm.

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Learning The Three Greatest Treasures By Doing The Work

Oh so excited to begin the One Year Program in only ten days. If you’re on the fence, there are only a few spots left. We start Tuesday June 11th at 8:00 – 9:30 am Pacific time with the first teleconference call.

By the way, since many have asked, yes you can participate in the One Year program by teleclass sessions only, if you live too far away to attend the in-person retreats. You can elect to include the solo sessions with me (4 of them) or leave them out.

I am not offended, whatever your choice! Really!

I get that the teleclass-only option is less expensive and may be all you need or want. We meet generally the second, third and fourth Tuesdays of every month. The exact dates are on on my website if you click HERE then scroll to the bottom, along with details about payments and registration.

Here’s a very short, quick look-see at the programs starting soon:

  • A Year Of Inquiry For The Addictive Mind (compulsive, repetitive thinking about some situations, people, life). We go into one topic deeply every month. Amazing group of people. Commitment to join? Monthly payments, partial payments, or least expensive if you make one payment at the start. Read all details by clicking HERE.
  • Teleclass Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Thursdays, June 13 – August 8, 2013, 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time. No class June 27. 8 weeks $395. Register by clicking HERE.
  • Teleclass Horrible Food Wonderful Food: Investigating the Love/Hate Relationship with Eating And Food. Tuesdays, June 11 – July 30, 2013 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. Register by clicking HERE.
  • June 15, 1:30 – 5:30 pm Mini-Retreat In Person, Seattle $70 first time, $55 any subsequent time. 4 CEUs for mental health professionals.

Remember, always, to ask me by writing me if inability to pay is the only thing holding you back.

And with all these programs coming up, I made a decision to sign up for a one-year program myself, with a very small group and a teacher/guide/facilitator I love (Stephan Bodian, author of Wake Up Now).

Signing up for such a thing sometimes brings some major considerations…perhaps even doubts, or fears!

Committing to something long-term…now that’s dangerous. Like marriage, for example. Or going to college and plunking down all that money for a 4 (or more) year program.

  • I might change my mind part way through
  • I might hate it, once I’m “in”
  • The other people (or one other person) might drive me bonkers
  • It will use up too much time
  • It will cost too much money, emotional attention, energy
  • It won’t make me happier in the long run
  • I won’t find what I’m looking for!

It really is taking a chance to enroll in something and say “yes”. You can’t know exactly what it will be like, ever. There are no guarantees, the outcome is not certain.

But the process….for myself, I know the process, whatever it actually looks like…is something I want.

It’s like meditation…we would all think it would be CRAZY to think of promising that if you meditate regularly for one year, you will be enlightened.

Yet something about going into the silence of meditation…it is offered as a practice in nearly every religious community.

When I think about going through a process, enjoying the journey, then, when I look back at my experience when it’s all over, and I naturally ask myself “was that worth it?” then I usually say“absolutely”. 

I love how The Work and self-inquiry IS a process. It’s a sort of action/meditation. Every time I set aside time to “do” The Work, I become more naturally a person who is “done” by The Work.

In other words, as I’ve heard Byron Katie express it, I enter more and more automatically the Don’t Know Mind.

I begin to notice that I’m living in a place of openness and not knowing, of surrender and relaxation and rest. I wake up and am full of wonder about the day, and sort of delighted and waiting to see what happens.

I’m not so braced up against difficult events, when they do occur. Or, the bracing period is one heck of a lot shorter than it used to be.

The more I question my perceptions of reality, and really get that I have no idea what’s going on, but a curiosity about All This, then I find life more and more….well, fun.

Now I’m not saying that it’s ALWAYS fun. Because it’s not.

But I love having The Work as a process to engage in when I think things are not going well, or they are downright frightening.

Finally, something to do with this worried, speedy-quick, relentless mind!

Not long after I was at my first school, a wonderful inquirer and friend from that school and I agreed that we would meet on the phone every single Monday to exchange inquiry.

One of us would facilitate, one would answer the questions. I needed that pinned down on the schedule or I would NEVER get around to inquiry, not fully.

So I said YES to it. And we kept going. The “rules” were that either one of us could end this agreement at any time.

The difference it made in my life was phenomenal. It wasn’t magic, explosive, mind-blowing all in one instant. It was slow and steady over time, like the turtle in the race.

Part of my mind would say “who needs to do this work, not me…who needs to devote this much time to facilitation, not me…who needs to set up this framework of a structure, not me…I want freedom!”

But freedom was coming MORE from doing The Work than NOT doing it.

I guess that’s why humans have set up spiritual practices for thousands of years. The structure paradoxically seems to offer some sense of freedom.

So I have found the turnarounds to be true, for all my stressful thoughts about commitment and joining into programs, or getting married, or saying “yes” and setting up structure and the like.

These turnarounds look like this:

  • I might change my mind part way through—yes, likely some part of my mind will DEFINITELY decide to change. This is actually good news, and why I’m signing up–ha!
  • I might hate it, once I’m “in”—Well, I sure hope so, because then I can be right up against my fears, objections, and awareness of how I want to run or fight rather than question my thinking (Byron Katie herself sets up some exercises to offer the opportunity to face your fears in her school). ALSO I might LOVE it once I’m in!
  • The other people (or one other person) might drive me bonkers—halleluia! I’ll have the perfect real and up close experience for truly doing The Work! And wow, the other person might drive me sane! The people I connect with in any program, or my life partner, may give me the gift of peace.
  • It will use up too much time—and what else was I going to do with that time? Get obsessive? Worry? Live in my story? Watch TV? Work? Is there a better way to spend my time?
  • It will cost too much money, emotional attention, energy—the money it costs will be a stake in the ground for my commitment to awakening and learning (and I can do The Work on Money if I’m freaked out), my emotional attention is already going to other people and disturbing situations so why not give it FULL attention, and yes, investigating your reality takes energy. That’s why it’s called The Work.
  • It won’t make me happier in the long run—oooh, what a great chance to see what I think happiness is, and see if I can find happiness in the present (you can). No program is necessary. We all have everything we need to access peace, right now.
  • I won’t find what I’m looking for!—My favorite. I get to see, by having this stressful belief, that I believe something needs to be found. That I’m looking. I may have the chance here to enjoy the search instead of feeling so frustrated by it. And maybe even give up the search! WOW!

“Some say that my teaching is nonsense. Others call it lofty but impractical. But to those who have looked inside themselves, this nonsense makes perfect sense. And to those who put it into practice, this loftiness has roots that go deep. I have just three things to teach: simplicity, patience, compassion. These three are your greatest treasures. Simple in actions and in thoughts, you return to the source of being. Patient with both friends and enemies, you accord with the way things are. Compassionate toward yourself, you reconcile all beings in the world.”~Tao Te Ching #67

Doing The Work is the practice of receiving the teachings of simplicity, patience and compassion.

You teach them to yourself, these great treasures.

For me, this path of questioning my mind is stunning. This is what I came here for: returning to the source of my being, living in accord with the way things are, and feeling reconciled towards all beings in my life.

For me, this is worth making a commitment to. An understatement.

Love, Grace

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It’s Not Your Fault

One of the most excruciating, shameful thoughts that a person can have about a troubling relationship or situation is “it’s my fault”.

Even if you know it’s not ALL your fault, and there were many factors involved, your mind will scan the scene for your part in it, what you did wrong, how you could have done it better.

Some of us are more prone to this than others. We may find some control in thinking about how we can fix ourselves, since the rest of the world is hopeless to fix.

It’s not you….it’s me!

I was facilitating a sweet client last week who said that sometimes when he does The Work, he is flattened by the turnarounds….when he finds the opposite to his thinking and the new, opposite concept is very self-critical.

Byron Katie says that every turnaround should feel like a kiss, not a slap.

In other words, if I think “she is a mean, lying, betrayer” and I find the turnaround at the end of my work process “I am a mean, lying, betrayer”….then I don’t condemn myself to hell.

Instead, I see how I am human, and so was she. Everyone being themselves, doing the best they can with what they know.

Everyone is doing the absolute best they can in any given moment. If they knew how to do it better, THEY WOULD. Including you.

The beliefs come into place sometimes at a very young age. The beliefs are all set up based on what we learn and what others have done and what we’re observing from the world around us.

We feel pain or stress and we defend, we get scared, we panic, we shut down, we do whatever we can to brace against our beliefs or our conclusions….

…..and then with The Work we can look again and see if we can find a different viewpoint.

As we look back at situations that are troubling, we can review and understand them differently, by asking the Four Questions:

  • is it true, what I am thinking as I remember that situation?
  • can I absolutely know that what I am thinking is TRUE?
  • how do I react when I believe that?
  • who would I be if I couldn’t even have that stressful thought, who would I be without the thought at all?
  • turning my thoughts around to the opposite, could that ALSO be true?

It’s never all black or white, it’s never 100% in one camp, or one way.

Every human being has some loving quality or capacity for awareness.

Even that person who was so terrible, and you got in their way somehow….if they knew better how to handle their life situation, they would have.

No one truly wants to hurt others. People seem to be very drawn to love and joy, have you noticed? Some of us get so mixed up when it seems that those around us are unhappy, that we start to think we did something wrong, or we wish desperately we could help them.

Violence, lying, betrayal, judgment, aggression, paralysis….all of these are feelings and behaviors in an attempt to get safe, to get back on solid ground.

There is an assumption that something is terribly wrong and the way to get it right is with force, or secrecy, or attack, or self-improvement (or self-condemnation).

Perhaps we had it modeled to us or we concluded that we need to lie, or be judgmental, or be tough, or hold things in, or attack ourselves and not other people, in order to remain safe, in order not to be terrified.

But what if we did not believe that what happened is anyone’s fault? Not 100%, even if it seems like it and the person did something pretty “big” to change the course of things.

No one’s fault. Not theirs, and not yours….not the universe or God’s fault either.

“The enlightened mind is never separate from another mind, as there really is only one mind (if any). Not ever. The open mind always understands its own nature and is always open to more understanding, in the ever-shifting expansion of its own creation.”~ Byron Katie

Doing The Work and finding your own innocence can be tough. You may feel vulnerable, you may feel small, you may feel so very sad. You may push away the idea that it’s not your fault. It may seem so puzzling that it happened…if it’s not my fault, then why? WHY?!

But you may enter new territory. If you let yourself open to the idea that none of this is anyone’s fault….you may be filled with love. You may take in love. For that other person who hurt you….for yourself.

Below is a 4 minute clip from Good Will Hunting, the beautiful movie of an honest healing relationship between client and counselor. (Thank you Jack for sending it to me).

Who would you be without the thought that it really is not anyone’s fault?

Click here and know I’m giving you a big hug:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UYa6gbDcx18

Love, Grace

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This Memory Is Safe

This morning I was remembering an old friend who at one time I loved very much.

I noticed the image entered my mind, I could see the face of the person, even though its been very long since I’ve seen them in real life.

For a moment, before “thinking” really started…I just remembered. There is the sweet face, their fun voice, their smile. The pleasure at laughing, sharing intimate truths, asking questions.

And then (hear Beethoven’s 5th duh-duh-duh-DUM) sadness entered my experience.

Then the image of ANOTHER person I haven’t seen in ages who also caused tumultuous, uncertain, or angry feelings within.

I guess the two people reminded me of each other. And the little sadness visit following right behind.

But with The Work, with self-inquiry and a great interest in truth and in understanding my relationship with life (that has these kinds of people in it) I become curious very quickly about the sad feeling.

  • I miss that person
  • that relationship ended terribly
  • that was a totally unpleasant (or horrible) incident
  • I can’t believe it went that way
  • that person is a whack-job, has a personality disorder, is an addict, is sick, (etc)
  • I shouldn’t have gotten so close to that person
  • I should have gotten closer to that person
  • they should apologize
  • I should apologize

Oh boy.

Wonderful to have inquiry. Being able to look at something that produces even a wee bit of pain, of any kind, is so powerful.

Sometimes, the memories hurt….but if you look at them and inquire, I can just about guarantee that you’ll be better off down the road (or in five minutes) than if you suppress and distract yourself from looking.

So I allowed that image of that person to float there in my consciousness. There they are.

That relationship didn’t end well…or it ended and I’m sad…or it’s just an overall big mess when I think about it….IS THAT TRUE?

Yep.

But can I absolutely KNOW that it’s true that it was terrible, shouldn’t have happened, that it was a mistake or a waste of time, or a tragedy? Can I know that 100%, beyond a shadow of a doubt?

No, not at all.

How do I react when I believe that the person I’m thinking of shouldn’t have been in my life, or that it shouldn’t have gone that way, or that the whole thing sucked, or that we did things wrong and made mistakes?

I get so, so, so sad. I get angry, I feel stress, pain, despair, sick to my stomach.

Who would I be without the thought that the relationship I had with that person was terrible, or ended tragically, or wasn’t good enough? Who would I be without the thought that I missed something, I should have done it differently…or they should have done it differently?

I’d be open, empty space. In a good way. I’d be here now. I’d be here, in this body, with a mind that is remembering a person…(which is amazing in itself that we can remember so vividly and so well).

I’d see that person, in this moment, and say “hello”. I’d feel connected to that memory in my head.

I would feel love, reaching across the cosmos without telephones or email or star-trek devices. I’d just notice that love is here, trust and love.

I’d notice how quiet it is in this moment, remembering that person.

In inquiry I would then practice finding the reasons why the opposite of my painful thoughts might be true:

  • I don’t miss that person, but I do love and appreciate that person…I somehow missedmyself in the middle of that relationship
  • that relationship ended perfectly on time, with excellent drama and clarity
  • that was a totally pleasant, entertaining (or fantastic) incident, an amazing story, full of wild and wonderful learning
  • I can believe it went that way, because it did
  • That person is a being themselves, and it’s OK, and my own thinking has been whacky, disordered, addictive and sick when it comes to that person
  • I should have gotten so close to that person, it was incredible and brought me awareness beyond my wildest dreams
  • I should have gotten closer to that person…I held back and wasn’t honest sometimes
  • they should not apologize, unless they really want to for themselves
  • I should apologize, to myself, to them…for all the disruption and fear and anxiety I produced by believing my own narrow-minded thoughts

I love Byron Katie’s words “when someone leaves, you’ve been spared”.

It is a grand, accepting trust in the universe going the way it goes.

That relationship lasted just the right amount of time on this planet, in this lifetime. It is just what I needed, in that period.

Now, for this moment, all that is necessary is the memory and the image of that person, apparently….not their actual body.

“There is no greater illusion than fear, no greater wrong than preparing to defend yourself, no greater misfortune than having an enemy. Whoever can see through all fear will always be safe.” ~ Tao Te Ching #46

Love, Grace

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Who Do You Imagine You Would Be Without THAT Thought?

I was reading the other day about Dr. Franz Mesmer who lived in Paris in the 1700s and practiced a form of healing, as a physician, that he invented…called Animal Magnetism.

People paid tons of money for his healing work. They traveled from long distances away. He created quite a hubbub. So much so that the word “mesmerized” was invented.

He apparently offered laying on of hands, the building of “magnetic” energy, and hypnotic guidance. People swooned and had convulsive fits and instant healings.

Some investigations occurred, and many concluded that his techniques worked because of the power of the human mind to IMAGINE.

There goes that mind again….it’s so creative, so powerful!

Sometimes the scientific, logical approach will say…well, if it’s being imagined then it’s not REAL.

But what is reality? How do we know what is real and what is not real?

I notice that my perception of situations change completely over time. One day, I see the world as sunny, joyful, exciting, adventurous, full of infinite possibilities. Another day, I see the world as dark, boring, annoying, depressing, volatile and uncertain (although strangely enough, that is becoming quite rare, without me trying).

Both are real for me, right in that moment. That’s my particular reality.

And, I have had my experience completely turn around and switch to the entire opposite perception, by changing my mind.

That’s what self-inquiry is all about.

“The world is nothing but my perception of it. I see only through myself. I hear only through the filter of my story.” ~ Byron Katie

What about all the things that happen that seem beyond me, beyond my capacity to create them…those uncomfortable or terrible things, those wonderful or astonishingly beautiful things?

Well. Here’s an interesting exercise. An idea I got from doing The Work and looking at my thinking over and over again:

What if all that happens is within me, not outside of me? What if all of it is born from some mysterious place, creating itself, a fantastic invention, an amazing imagination, and I am connected to it inherently?

The ups, the downs, the frightening, the wonderful….

What if you could question the belief system “I’m just a little peon in this world who has no control over anything? A little victim of this crazy place?”

Who would you be without that thought? If you IMAGINED being someone who is not a little peon with no control over anything, not a little victim, not in a crazy, frightening, terrible place?

But instead what if you imagined the turnaround to be as true, or truer? I am a celebrant of this world that is born out of me, who has no need to control or see anything as horrendous, who opens to everything, who is a magnificent, powerful, loving entity, in an exciting, constantly changing playground.

How would you live your life if that’s what you were imagining?

Maybe your reality would change…who knows? Maybe you would be healed. Maybe you would be totally in love with NOT being healed.

You’d say “bring it on” without fighting it. There would be nothing to argue against.

“The great Tao flows everywhere. All things are born from it, yet it doesn’t create them. It pours itself into its work, yet it makes no claim. It nourishes infinite worlds, yet it doesn’t hold on to them. Since it is merged with all things and hidden in their hearts, it can be called humble. Since all things vanish into it and it alone endures, it can be called great. It isn’t aware of its greatness; thus it is truly great.” ~ Tao Te Ching #34  

Love, Grace