Tag: the work of Byron Katie

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Free Calls on 9/5 The Work of Byron Katie With Grace

Only two weeks until two wonderful programs start!

Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven 8 week group, and A Year of Inquiry Thinking Recovery Program from 9/2013 to 8/2014.

I’ve had so many questions about the upcoming two classes that begin on 9/12 that today I’ve decided to offer two free Group Inquiry calls scheduled for Thursday, September 5th.

The first free call will be at 8:00 – 9:30 am Pacific time (the same time as the 8 week Relationship Hell To Heaven Class) and the second free call will be 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific Time (the same time as the Year Of Inquiry YOI Group).

Everyone is welcome.

You do not have to be thinking of joining the Relationships 8 week teleseminar OR the One Year of Inquiry Group (YOI), but the group call will give you a good sense of what it’s like, in case you are considering it.

YES, you can enjoy this call even if you know you can’t join the 8 week class or the YOI group.

This is your chance to set aside 90 minutes (there is no fee) and see what happens as you question a stressful thought with a group.

You can be brand new to The Work, or really familiar with The Work.

This work is for everyone…everyone interested in understanding and dissolving their experience of suffering.

The conference call can accommodate 25 people live on the line, to participate, ask questions, or just be there. There is also room for 100 people to listen via their computer by clicking on the link below, instead of dialing-in live.

If you know you’d like to be there, but don’t feel the need to participate by voice, then join the call via your computer by clicking the link, and listen there.

Then we’ll have room for everyone! (other calls have always had more than 25 folks wanting to join).

We will start with a short introduction, and then pick a stressful thought that is common and troubling, and everyone can move through inquiry whether you speak out loud or not.

The power of the group, the support, the slowing down of the mind by walking through this together can be phenomenal. This is a time to nurture yourself, and be in meditation.

The silence and awareness possible can bring something different and sacred to what you can do all by yourself, if you notice you’ve been stuck or repeating the same old stories.

At the end we will have some Q and A time for anyone interested in finding out more about YOI (Year of Inquiry) or the teleclass Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven (both start 9/12) or any other upcoming teleclasses or mini-retreats starting this fall.

Here is the information to tuck away and save for September 5th:

Title: Free Group Teleclass in The Work of Byron Katie PLUS Q and A
Time: Thursday, September 5th at 8:00 am and at 5:15pm Pacific
Listening method: Phone + Web Simulcast
Phone number: (206) 402-0100
PIN Code: 305799# 
 
To attend the 8:00 am session by computer, please visit:

To attend the 5:00 pm session by computer, please visit:

Love, Grace

P.S. The classes both have room for a few more, but they are filling fast. They may be full by the time the free calls come around, so no guarantee of a spot. However, there’s always more Guided Group Inquiry in the future 🙂

 

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The Sorrow of Uprooting Old Joy So New Joy May Enter (YOI JOY)

Today I sat quietly reflecting and staring out the window at the clouds (moments before starting this Grace Note).

As big puffy cotton balls sailed by above, I heard in my mind the voices of the participants from the One Year Group (known as YOI for Year of Inquiry and rhymes with Joy). We had met earlier on the phone and skype for our weekly call.

I was reminded of the various experiences of us humans, the inner life of all of us, what is in the mind, and what seems to be beyond…or more than…the mind.

As members of the group checked in on the call, before we began our process of inquiry using The Work, everyone seemed to drop to a new level of intimacy, honesty and truth.

I find that a circle of seekers and inquirers is so sacred, sweet and authentic, that gratitude for everyone there, no matter where they were in that moment, swept through me.

The sharing went something like this (this is the short version):

  • I think we’re all getting the hang of facilitating with all this practice
  • I feel more confident about my life and not knowing anything
  • I’m asking myself if things are true all day long
  • I feel raw, I just had a big fight with my wife, but I’m here
  • Sometimes I don’t know if I belong, I’m so sad
  • I sometimes can’t sleep lately (I’m so excited about possibility)
  • I’m beginning to look at all the subtle, daily thoughts that I never even noticed before
  • it feels like I’m starting to “live” the work

Here’s the funny thing: many of us have never even met in-person. We only connect via voice (although many of us will meet next month in person).

And yet, a great sense of intimacy is being built….and maybe even friends for life.

My contact with others was not always this way. I used to think of being completely real as being dangerous.

If I tell about all the piddly details of my day, or my angst, or my unhappiness, I will turn other humans off. They won’t like me. They’ll kick me out. They won’t get me.

I’ll be rejected, I’ll be alone.

However, when we know what to DO with all the petty, stressful thinking, then suddenly, sharing our greatest fears, anxieties and irritations becomes so much more exciting.

There is present the complainer, the victim, the dictator, the one who is suffering…and then there is also present the wise facilitator, the one who is free, the one who is fine with whatever happens.

Byron Katie says anyone with an open mind can do this, can question what they think that hurts.

I love that anyone can do this work. Even if you sometimes (or often) have a closed mind, you can do this. 

Even if you think “I’m a hard nut to crack” or “I have too much anger” or “I’m too unenlightened, I’ll never truly get what life is about” or “I am too into suffering and not enough into peace.”

Is that true? Are you sure there’s no hope for you? Are you positive you should have made more progress in this whole peace/suffering conundrum?

Are you really absolutely sure that it would be better if you were feeling confident, happy and blissed-out right now (and can you know what those feelings actually mean)?

Yes! I would be better off if I FELT FABULOUS!

That other feeling…the one where I feel sad, angry, scared, alone or upset…that is to be eliminated, avoided.

I notice that when I believe that difficult or troubled feelings should go away, ASAP, that I freeze, I get a plan, I feel frightened of the future, I worry.

I think that other people won’t like me (since they are probably on the same track of avoiding bad feelings and bad-feeling Other People).

And who who I be without the thought that I should be different, feel different, feel peaceful, or change?

Weird. But. Whole chunks of my life have been dedicated to me changing. Me canceling out my suffering.

I turn around the thoughts: I shouldn’t be different than I am, I shouldn’t feel different, I should feel war, I should feel angry, I should feel afraid, I shouldn’t change. 

How could this be true?!

Hmmm. It certainly does take the pressure off to not demand that I change.

It reminds me that I have a great inner compass of feelings that say “you are believing stressful thoughts!”

I feel a sense of acceptance, gentleness, and kindness towards myself. And that appears to extend out to others, when I’m not screaming at myself to change.

I can see what’s actually interesting about anger, fear, or sadness, as odd as that sounds.

Reality includes these troubling feelings, it’s not like they aren’t allowed in a friendly universe.

The feelings themselves don’t kill me. I’m still alive. I’m still breathing, and talking, and connecting with others.

Having a hard time in my life keeps me alert, paying attention, going through the fire of enlightenment.

My feelings make sure I’m not let off the hook…in a good way.

“There are two distinct aspects of your inner being. The first is you, the awareness, the witness, the center of your willful intentions; and the other is that which you watch. The problem is, the part that you watch never shuts up. If you could get rid of that part even for a moment, the peace and serenity would be the nicest vacation you’ve ever had….Real spiritual growth is about getting out of this predicament. But first, you have to realize that you’ve been locked in there with a maniac.” ~ Michael Singer

Somehow, when I simply realize that I’m telling myself scary stories, something inside feels lighter, kinder.

Oh! I see now! That one part of me likes to show horror movies! But that’s not all of me!

I notice that even though I jump around all over the place in this mind, part of me stays still.

“On the other side of our thinking, generosity naturally appears. There’s nothing we need to do to achieve it. It’s simply what we are.” ~ Byron Katie

When my story is that everyone is exactly where they need to be, including me, then I almost want to break into laughter. Because I have made so much effort to work on the project of life…and changing bad feelings.

My gratitude swells as I think of the YOI Group and everyone’s voices, and distinct and precious personalities.

And appreciation then rises for my family, my other clients, other humans walking outside, and every single irritating or scary person I’ve ever met, or will meet.

An alternative translation to part of the beautiful words of Rumi’s Guesthouse (translated by Kabir Helminski):

“The body is a Guest House, every morning someone new arrives. Don’t say ‘oh another weight around my neck!’ or your guest will fly back to nothingness. Whatever enters your heart is a guest from the invisible world: entertain it well….

If a sorrowful thought stands in the way, it is also preparing the way for joy. It furiously sweeps your house clean, in order that some new joy may appear from the source. It scatters the withered leaves from the bough of the heart, in order that fresh green leaves might grow. It uproots the old joy, so that a new joy may enter from Beyond….” ~ Jelaluddin Rumi

Love, Grace

P.S. Join the YOI Group, a thinking recovery program. We begin 9/12.

YOI JOY!

 

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How To Understand The Neediness You See (Is It Your Glasses?)

A dear old friend of mine and I got to have tea together the other day, after months of saying it was a good idea.

A beautiful mid-summer morning, we sat in soft living room chairs with sun beaming outside on the quiet street.

At one point our conversation turned to Carl Jung’s famously named personality traits known as “introversion” and “extroversion”.

My friend said in passing something I’ve heard before…”well, you’re probably an extrovert…”

Oh no, I corrected her immediately. I am actually, if you categorize such things, very extreme on the introverted scale.

A lot has occurred in my life that has produced a more well-developed “extroverted” abilities…that is, actually able to have a sociably acceptable conversations with other people.

Things have occurred like twelve step programs, group therapy, desperation, and suffering.

If I could have stopped my suffering without having to actually talk to anyone….believe me, I would have.

But talking to others was required, apparently, in my process of recovery, balance, peace and reconciliation with being a human and being connected to other humans.

However, I still could be perfectly content if I stayed home for weeks on end with almost no conversation.

Silent retreats? My favorite!

But it wasn’t always that way.

I used to feel so afraid of other peoples’ opinion of me, or what they would say, or what they might ask of me, that I could only take so much contact.

My introversion was part Defense.

People were frightening! They ask you questions! They get upset! They want things!

It seemed natural to have a protected environment, and be careful about social contact.

It can be so freeing, at a most core and basic primary level, to really question how scary people are, if you ever find them frightening…..and then you can find out if you are really all that introverted or not.

You may find you are ambiverted, you are undefinable, and you only lean one way or the other depending on the day.

So let’s take a look at that core concept “I’m afraid of that person because…..”

You can think of anyone, maybe in the distant past, maybe more current.

The fear doesn’t have to be gigantic, it can be a little flutter of nerves, anything that doesn’t feel as if you could be your own self entirely 100% with them, like you can’t quite relax. It may even be exciting sometimes, but just notice some sense of worry.

Hold that person in your mind and consider what feels particularly scary.

For me, as I consider one person I knew long ago, my thought is that they were simply too verbal, too intense, too many words, not enough silence, too demanding, too inquisitive, too needy, too full of praise for me.

The whole thing made me totally and completely nervous. I wanted to run for the hills.

I take this thought to inquiry “that person was too needy”.

Is it true?

YES! They were incessantly calling, emailing. That person was always asking when I was next available for dinner. Always coming up with ideas for outings.

They were always saying “we should go to hear that lecture, we should go to this concert, we should try that restaurant, we should visit that place…”

Jeez! Give it a rest!

Ahem. (Notice how the mind loves to prove the point).

Can you absolutely KNOW that it’s true that the person you are thinking about was too needy? Can you know they were needy at all?

Are you kidding me? They seemed very needy. That person even said “I need help”.

That person wanted my attention ten times more than I wanted theirs!

Does someone saying they need help mean that they are needy in a bad way?

Does someone saying they are in need mean they are dangerous, repulsive or someone to stay away from? Am I sure that if they are wailing and crying even, that they are in fact needy?

Because now that I think about it, they are breathing, living life, managing, eating, sleeping, expressing.

What’s going on here, in my mind, about this whole neediness thing anyway?

Rats. I can’t absolutely know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that the person was too needy.

I’m looking at it through my needy-alert glasses, again.

The way I react when I believe that someone is needy is I avoid them and I desperately hope they feel better at the same time. Part of me wants to rescue them and rock them like a little baby.

Part of me feels the drag of that urgency.

The way I react when I see someone that I think is needy, is I think I need to help. Or I get a bit frozen. I’m not sure what to do. I have advice in my head, but I’m not even sure they could hear it. It’s discouraging.

I remember being 25 years old, and working in an environment where there were lots of 18 and 19 year olds. Many of them looked up to me, just a little more advanced along the life-line than them. One of them really took to me. She was a young deaf woman, delightful.

Then she shared with me some of her personal pain and difficult family history.

I bolted.

I was barely beginning a journey of telling the truth myself, newly in therapy.

I thought I was supposed to do something, offer something. I felt inadequate. Her sharing scared the bejeezus out of me. It was over the top for me, too much.

The way I treated myself when I believed that she was needy was I agreed with her that she needed Big Help.

I then believed I was not good enough, strong enough, big enough or adequate enough to be the one hearing her pain, which was HORRIBLE pain.

But who would I have been without that belief that she was needy? Even right there while she told me her personal story, and shared her personal suffering?

I would know I was the one to hear it, because I just did.

I would stay. I would listen, and I would also say no if I needed to. I would say “I don’t know what you should do”.

Without the thought that someone is too needy, things would be very simple in the presence of others. I might ask additional questions.

I would have the feeling deep inside that all is well, even if that person is so desperate they are threatening suicide.

I know it sounds bizarre, but I might even think “hmmm, maybe that is the best plan for them, who knows” rather than feel panic on the inside.

Without the thought that someone is too needy, I might even find I’m very interested in their thoughts about life and death…or I might find I’m a little bored with the drama.

That person is not too needy.

I am too needy, especially when it comes to that person.

Oh boy. I think I’m supposed to be Mother Teresa or Jesus or the Fairy Godmother and have some spectacular rescue plan that works.

This has been my experience in the past with my own children. I should have the perfect solution to their “needs”.

What I know now is that the person truly is not too needy, not for me, not for themselves, not for the world.

There is an infinite resource of help, transformation. I am a part of it. I don’t have to do anything special.

Miraculously…..doing less, offering nothing, simply being with these other humans without thinking I need to do, give, say, think or offer anything is the most exciting, gentle, heart-opening feeling.

No need to run, no need to hide, no angst, no hand-wringing.

“Get very specific about what that (difficult) emotion is speaking. Write down what that feeling is saying. You’re listening to what the emotion is saying. Get these down, write them down, then they can’t jump away. Then, with each one of those, feel what you read, because these are the thought patterns creating this pain. As you read through them and feel them, you can start ask yourself is this actually true? You will be amazed by your capacity to understand your own experience.” ~ Adyashanti

Those needy people? They truly have only been a reflection of myself. My terror of neediness. My fear of asking for help and not getting it.

Without the fear of neediness existing in myself or in others, everyone is free to come and go. I get the feel if I’m the person to respond or not.

It’s a simple yes or no.

“I was once walkign in the desert with a man who began to have a stroke. We sat down, and he said ‘Oh my God, I’m dying. DO something!’ He was talking through one side of his mouth because the other side had become paralyzed. What I did was just sit there beside him, loving him, looking into his eyes, knowing that we were miles from a phone or car. He said, ‘you don’t even care, do you?’ I said ‘No.’ And through his tears, he started to laugh, and I did, too.” ~ Byron Katie

Turns out, I’m still an introverted sort of person and love lots of silence.

And I adore people.

Everyone looks a lot less needy these days. Even if they’re having a needy moment, it’s amazing how they just ask for what they need and receive it (it may be 5 minutes, it may be 5 years).

Or. Hmmm. Maybe that’s me who isn’t so needy.

If you know that connecting with others (all a part of you) appeals, or is a little scary, then join a wonderful circle to discover the truth. Only a few spots left with the 9/12 Thursday group starting next month: YOI (Year of Inquiry) or just the 8 week teleclass Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven. Both begin on Thursday, 9/12.

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If You’re Going Through Hell, Keep Inquiring

I want a romantic partner!

Have you ever had that thought, or known someone close who had that thought?

It’s almost a question that has the answer “DUH, are you nuts? A gazillion trillion people want a partner…pretty much almost everyone who is single or unpartnered WANTS a partner!”

Let’s add in the thought “I want a different partner than the one I have.”

Between the two beliefs, there’s hardly anyone left over!

(OK, not really).

But many people who are single hardly question that a romantic mate would make them happier.

Many people who are in partnerships think about improving them, changing them, or getting out of them.

They look at their world and find proof that having or changing a partner is a fabulous plan.

They’ve been immersed in the idea, perhaps, since they were born, from the people all around them.

I’ve had lots of clients who believed they needed, wanted, craved or longed for romance, who are sure it does not exist in their current circumstances.

They are sure that if they were in a great couple agreement, they would have security, comfort, financial stability, pleasure, connection, and love.

Really?

Even though it may seem true, that society, your family, your friends say its true….it is still worth questioning, if it causes you stress.

“Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.” ~ Mark Twain

I was working with a woman who was positive it was true that partnership is better than being on your own.

She was alone, unpartnered…and therefore having an unhappy, unsatisfying life.

I asked her questions about what she meant when she said “partner”. Like, what is a GOOD partner? Because that’s the one you want, right?

A BAD partner won’t do. No, no, no.

You may even have some good examples of BAD partners. Those are OUT.

How do you think she reacted in her daily life when she believed she wanted a partner, and good men were hard to come by?

How does a person react when they believe they have to be careful who they pick, because they might get hurt, it might be a hassle?

Sad, disappointed, discouraged, angry, listless, flipping between “trying” to meet people and giving up altogether.

And my own company, or what is here now, just isn’t that great. Not good enough. Not fun enough, secure enough, comforting enough.

But who would you be without the thought that first, you need a partner, and second, that its rare to find a good one, a long shot?

Without the thought that a good partner is unusual, or that I even need one….I’m suddenly aware of all the energy spent on pining over the missing partner.

I’m here now.

It’s weird, actually, because that thought has been so ingrained. It’s like I don’t even know WHAT to think or do.

Things are unknown, open, mysterious.

For me, when I deeply questioned the thought that I needed one person in my life to feel happy…..some kind of clutching, grabby thing stopped on the inside.

My empty, quiet, silent little cottage felt magical, inviting. No one there. Sweet!

And then, activity took place, without my mind getting involved.

I went out into the world ready to have a ball. I stayed home doing my favorite thing: (in my case, reading). I went out dancing. I went off to meditation retreat. I bought tickets to my favorite concert.

I went out to dinner for the first time in my life, on purpose, all by myself to one of my favorite restaurants. It was weird, but intriguing.

I wrote down my stressful thoughts while sitting at the elegant table, all by myself. I did have some.

I noticed how fabulous it was to pick whatever I wanted to do, whenever I wanted to do it.

Without the thought that I ever needed a partner I felt so content. Not missing out on anything. I could find whatever I enjoyed without “partnership”.

I began to notice that without any need for someone in my life, tons of men were everywhere and so many of them were adorable!

They weren’t rare at all.

It was a great a big, wide, fat question: who would I be without the thought that I needed? Anyone?

Without the thought that I needed, or wanted, or was separated from the whole Universe?

“When I die to the need for people, then I’m right in the desert. In the beginning it feels awful, it feels lonely, but if you can take if for awhile, you’ll suddenly discover that it isn’t lonely at all. It is solitude, it is aloneness, and the desert begins to flower. Then at last you’ll know what love is, what God is, what reality is………I was afraid to say this, but I talked to God, and I told Him that I don’t need Him. My initial reaction was this is so contrary to everything that I’ve been brought up with….Sometimes you have to get rid of God in order to find God.” ~ Anthony DeMello

I say, let yourself question the old, solid thoughts that feel like foundations of happiness, such as needing partners, or needing the one you have to change.

You may find such freedom on the other side….if you keep going.

“If you’re going through hell, keep going.” ~ Winston Churchill

Keep inquiring, it’s worth it.

Love, Grace

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A Small Group Of Citizens Can Change Your World

Oh my, such a wonderful group forming that will meet on Thursdays beginning 9/12 for a year together 5:15 pm Pacific time. Head over to the page to learn more. Scroll all the way down for every bit of information: Learn About YOI Here.

Special Heads Up to those of you in India, China, Japan, Indonesia (where I traveled last June), Australia, Hawaii or the whole US of A, because this particular YOI group meets at a time of day that could work for you, as in during waking hours but not while you’re at work!

One of greatest assists to deep inquiry for me has been hearing other peoples’ thoughts and their investigations.

The other day while in my car I randomly grabbed a CD out of my little collection stuffed into my glove box and popped in what turned out to be Byron Katie facilitating a woman who was certain that her boyfriend liked big-breasted women, which she was not.

I remembered hearing this dialogue a long time ago—this CD had been in my car for at least five years.

At the time that I first heard it, I grew aware of all the ideas I had about relationships and what people were or were not supposed to be doing in them.

Although I can hardly relate to any of it now (and when I do, I’ve got self-inquiry)…I listened closely to the answers from that woman Katie was working with.

The woman was so sure that she was not liked and accepted because her boyfriend was looking at other women.

It takes a lot of energy, focus and concentration to dictate to someone how you think they should act, think, speak, or feel.

And the result is a tremendous amount of suffering.

I remember.

I used to believe the same list:

  • a person in a committed relationship shouldn’t be attracted to other people
  • he shouldn’t light up when those women walk in the room
  • she shouldn’t touch him with her hand, laugh at his jokes, flirt with him if she’s aware he is married
  • she shouldn’t dance with him
  • he shouldn’t be so dependent on me
  • if he/she loses interest, it means my body isn’t good enough
  • he shouldn’t use porn, fuss about sex, obsess over potential partners
  • she should have a good income, support herself, accept me unconditionally

The list can go on and on stating what we think is best, so therefore this other person should follow my rules.

Then….I will be happy.

When I am happy, all is well. We have fun. I pay attention, I love, I express appreciation.

The only trouble was….that way of being was a lot of work. And very confusing.

Conditional love is by nature quite confusing, because it doesn’t really and truly fit who we are.

Katie asked the woman on the CD if it was actually true that her boyfriend shouldn’t like big-breasted women.

Shouldn’t he like whatever he liked? Isn’t that reality?

I remembered how often I’ve had the idea that I MYSELF shouldn’t like whatever I like.

I shouldn’t like this guy, I shouldn’t be attracted over there, I shouldn’t be repulsed by that one, I should be more interested, less interested, differently interested.

I should be interested in “spiritual things”, not money, or movies, or food, or sex (as if those weren’t spiritual).

Who would you be without the thought that when you notice your preferences, or someone else’s preferences, they, or you, are WRONG?

Does it work to shout at yourself “Don’t like that! You moron!”

Does it stop you from liking what you like? Does it stop someone else from liking what they like?

I notice it only makes me feel ashamed for liking it, not happy.

Are you absolutely sure you shouldn’t or should be interested in “x”?

Who would I be, in that same woman’s situation without the thought that the man shouldn’t ogle other women’s breasts?

But. He’s gross. Everyone would agree in THIS particular situation.

He’s got bad taste, he’s adolescent, he’s boring, he’s shallow, he’s entirely non-spiritual and immature.

With the thought that this human being should be different? 

I am full of jealousy, anger, frustration, loneliness, disturbance, angst, worry, complaining.

It’s an inner war. I’m afraid.

Without the thought that he should be different?

I am back here in my own business, in my own body, and I wait here.

Ahhh….the world opens up in the most amazingly wild, fantastic way.

I am NOT afraid—and if I am, I can look more deeply at what truly scares me rather than just jumping to the conclusion that HE IS WRONG.

Suddenly in that situation as I stand there on the imaginary street in the same fantasty as the woman on the CD, I notice so many more people around than other women, this man, women’s body parts, or loss.

I notice there’s a whole huge world full of people and noise and nature.

Everyone so unique, sensual, sweet, embodied. Beauty is everywhere!

Even right here in my own body. I am so happy with my own body, with the breasts just as they are, that I want to giggle.

The whole entire objection seems absurd, hilarious.

I feel happy for the boyfriend and all the people who notice what they like!

“As long as you perceive that anyone is holding you back, you have not taken full responsibility for your own liberation. Liberation means that you stand free of making demands on others and life to make you happy. When you discover yourself to be nothing but Freedom, you stop setting up conditions and requirements that need to be satisfied in order for you to be happy.” ~ Adyashanti  

I love that this woman shared herself with Katie, allowed the recording, went for it with anyone who was listening.

Her honesty changed my life for the better….her confessing her own inner concerns, her fears, her hopes and demands helped me.

If you’ve got the spark inside you to connect with other inquiring minds who really do want to understand how on earth to love what is, then check out the One Year Program or the upcoming fall classes below.

Connecting with yourself out loud, you may alter someone else’s relationship with their world. Without even trying.

You may inspire us, without even thinking about how. Just being you.

“Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it’s the only thing that ever has.” ~ Margaret Mead  

Year Of Inquiry (YOI) and other groups ARE a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens.

Yes….they can change your world…by showing you theirs.

Join us!

Love, Grace

 

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Feeling Peaceful When You Hear Crude Words

It’s astonishing sometimes the speed at which the mind can move into believing a stressful thought.

Even right in the middle of doing The Work.

There you are, answering the question “who would I be if I didn’t believe this situation, or that person, was troubling?”

And in your mind you see warning images flash about what this bad or difficult situation means and how sure you are that it IS troubling.

Or you compare yourself to those Other People who are having a great time over there, without the same kinds of difficulties.

Maybe you get a little nervous about that difficult person, and you’d rather not talk, think, say or do anything about them….too scary.

The other day I was questioning my idea that someone I overheard speaking shouldn’t have said what they said.

“He is so inappropriate” I chattered away to myself. “He always brings up sexual innuendo or talks about his sexcapades, and he makes himself appear as if he’s had thousands of sexual partners, so crude…”

He wasn’t even talking to me, I just overheard him.

I felt inquiry rise in me as I drove quietly home in my car.

Who would I be in that moment when I heard this person talking about sexual contact with others that it was in poor taste, or wrong, or exasperating, or icky?

Oh no….without the thought, I wouldn’t speak up, I wouldn’t get away from him, I wouldn’t be grossed out and know who to avoid!

I realized this was one of those situations where without the belief that he is gross or crude…..I feel vulnerable, nervous. That thought feels like it’s protecting me, even if its harsh.

But can I be sure that believing I KNOW what is repulsive will protect me, and keep me safe?

Not really.

I looked at the belief “he is not safe”. 

You can think of someone right now who you feel nervous around, even just a little bit. Or maybe it’s a whole lot.

Are you sure that person isn’t safe? Are you sure you’re in danger of getting hurt if they speak, listen, have contact with you?

Yes! I need to be careful!

Suddenly I remember being on summer break at my grandparents house between fifth and sixth grade. Reunited with my best summer friend, who I hadn’t seen since the previous year.

She is now very interested in boys. She has a boyfriend. She wants us to sneak out of the house together on the hot summer night and go to a party.

I’ve never even thought about boys before. We’re eleven. I have no brothers. I’ve hardly talked with boys. It never occurred to me.

I follow her to the party in the dark hot summer night. I don’t like this idea. I’m paired with a boy and apparently everyone is supposed to “make out”.

I’m frozen. I have the thought that I’m grossed out, and then also the thought that I myself shouldn’t say anything out loud to the boy, my friend, to anyone.

In that situation, as it rises in vivid color memory…who would I be without the thought that it was terrible, that everyone was wrong, and my friend and the boys were disgusting…or that they were not safe?

I would notice that this situation was above and beyond my preference zone. I would say “I’m going home now” and leave, rather happily.

I probably would have said to my friend before we even left her house “Party? Uh, no thanks, I’m going to sleep now.”

I would save about three hours of sick anxiety caught between terror and waiting for the whole thing to be over.

Maybe I’d be curious…what on earth are these humans doing anyway?  And also notice I am not very interested, and very clear that this is not the time and place for me, yet.

Often, right under the surface of investigating who you would be without a thought, there are other powerful thoughts and beliefs that deserve exploration.

Who was not safe in that situation?

That was me. I wasn’t safe for myself. I didn’t talk. I didn’t say no. I was believing that I couldn’t rock the boat, leave, speak up, voice an opinion, or express my preferences without being in danger.

I return to my review of the current situation with the man who I was judging.

I take a look at him again, in my mind.

I notice I’m not exactly drawn to him and his words in that moment….but I am entirely safe.

He doesn’t have to change for me to be happy. I’m glad he is enjoying himself, having an exciting life.

I discover that the person who is not safe, as I am overhearing the language, the explicit sexual description, the terminology…is ME.

Without the thought that I don’t ever want to hear that kind of talk, I burst out laughing. I picture myself giving that man a light punch and saying something like “Can you take this conversation outside?”

I relax with the words and meanings I heard, and find there is a place for them and a part of life with them, and that one of my favorite topics of all time has been learning, understanding and knowing about human sexuality and what works and what doesn’t work for me personally.

“Hurt feelings or discomfort of any kind cannot be caused by another person. No one outside me can hurt me. That’s not a possibility. It’s only when I believe a stressful thought that I get hurt. And I’m the one who’s hurting me by believing what I think. This is very good news, because it means that I don’t have to get someone else to stop hurting me. I’m the one who can stop hurting me. It’s within my power.” ~ Byron Katie

In fact, after I overheard that conversation, I asked someone close what one term was that I had no idea what it meant or what it was (yes, at age 52) and learned a new thing about sexual conduct in some humans.

And I also noticed, I wasn’t really that interested.

“When you no longer perceive the world as hostile, there is no more fear, and when there is no more fear, you think, speak and act differently. Love and compassion arise, and they affect the world. Even if you find yourself in a conflict situation, there is an outflow of peace into the polarities. So then, something does change.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

Love, Grace

P.S. If you experience a lot of beliefs around sexuality, then join us in October for the next 8 week teleclass with exercises created to look at worst case scenarios and other stressful situations with inquiry.

Also, the One Year Program is a wonderful way to examine every stressful situation that appears in your world in your present life, and with partnership and support to question them using The Work.

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The Work Stops World War Z

This past weekend, I was facilitating my Saturday morning dance and dripping with sweat and bursting with inspiration, as usual, and I decided to do a few cartwheels.

A few cartwheels is not a big deal for me, I did them non-stop from age 10 through 16 and then often beyond that, so they are kind of part of my natural movement.

But then I felt myself pretending I was on the gymnastics mat from almost forty years ago (astonishing, as it seemed like yesterday) and go for a round-off.

Suddenly I was back in my memories and living them out right in that moment….the run, the build-up, the intention to go hard, fast, and push off the floor and fly into that awesome movement of palms down to the floor, body flipping upside down and over, feet landing with a great spring and jump….

….and as I soared through the air, in my fantasies and in real life…..I felt a searing pain jab through my entire right leg from upper hip, shooting down into my knee and even my foot.

I did not fall, but it felt like my right hip was ripped out of the socket (that could be a little dramatic).

Thirty seconds later I was talking to myself “Yeah, that’s right. Walk it out. Keep moving, don’t sit down”.

I couldn’t have sat if I wanted to, there was such a huge pain in my right butt cheek.

I felt nauseated.

And then, I felt scared. And defiant. Like…OK that happened and NOW it is going AWAY.

Right? Universe? Hello?

In that moment of pain, and then the moments that followed, the mind kicked in with commentary about the situation.

  • Should I go to urgent care? But I’m still walking.
  • I need to know what happened, I need an assessment of the damage.
  • I’m an idiot.
  • Don’t let anyone see that you just did this to yourself
  • I am aging, just like everyone else. I can’t do gymnastics anymore (and this is terrible).
  • That was stupid.
  • Now I’ll miss: birthday party, bike ride, work, driving, doing whatever I want, accomplishing things around the house, writing (can’t sit up)
  • I can’t stand lying flat all day long, this is boring
  • I should welcome this opportunity like a meditation retreat
  • boy howdy, I’m not putting up with my no-dairy diet today! forget it!

Alarm bells! Panic Button! World War Z!

On the way home, wincing a bit and furrowing my brow, I could see my mind panic with visions of my end of life, no more dancing, sitting all crinkled up in a chair at age 100, suffering, remembering my life in gymnastics all those years ago.

Sad, upsetting, life-is-rough-then-you-die, down with pain, the beginning of the end, its over!

Thank goodness, as I took some turns into zombie-belief-land, turns out I had made a date to trade sessions in The Work with a very dear facilitator.

I wrote down my judgments on my hip, and all the ways it should change.

The most important being….it should not have gotten hurt. That simply shouldn’t have happened.

I watched my mind have a hissy fit. I made coffee and put half and half in it, even though I’ve been consuming no dairy for a few weeks. I felt sour.

I texted the two most top-level athlete friends I know and asked them for advice. One said something about tears and operations to reconnect ligaments.

I didn’t like this situation.

Stop. Is that true?

Even with the mind strategizing all the ways to heal quickly, prevent it from every happening again, and chide me for being stupid….can I really know that this SHOULD NOT HAVE HAPPENED.

Because it actually did happen. So arguing with reality is a bit, ummm, presumptuous.

“I don’t order God around. I don’t presume to know whether life or death is better for me or for anyone I love. How can I know that?” ~ Byron Katie

WITH the thought that this event shouldn’t have happened, and I should not be hurt, I am entirely focused on the hurt. The worry. Imagining my days ahead. Sorry for myself. Angry with myself.

WITH the thought that this shouldn’t have happened…cream in my coffee suddenly becomes necessary. I need things to taste good.

Stop again. Who would I be WITHOUT the thought that this should not have happened?

Such a bizarre and foreign question. The mind normally races off, so dang positive its right about getting hurt.

But what an incredible question to contemplate. What if I really did not believe that this was BAD BAD BAD? What would that be like? Who would I be then?

It’s an adventure. Everything I thought I was doing is cancelled. Open territory.

I’m right up into the deep questions of the cosmos. Not caught up in the to-do list and busy.

Everything stops.

I enter the opposite field, where all is well. I am studying this experience, instead of raging a war with it.

  • I lie down and take ibuprofen medicine
  • I don’t need to know what happened, or become a doctor and understand the entire gamut of possibilities and hip anatomy
  • I’m a normal human being, not a zombie OR special
  • I have nothing to hide or be ashamed of
  • I am aging, just like everyone else, halleluia. What a fascinating path.
  • do I really need to do round-offs to have a happy life?
  • That was brilliant!
  • Now I’ll gain: slowing down, staying home, watching a movie with my daughter, watching another movie with my husband, reading about Buddhist practice in business, doing nothing, having time to do The Work with my friend for 2.5 hours
  • I love lying flat all day long, this is exciting
  • this IS like a meditation retreat

I watched the advantages come alive about this situation, because I decided to look for them, not resist them.

Watching myself be human.

“When inquiry is alive inside you, thoughts don’t pull you away from loving whatever happens, as it happens. Pain is always on its way out; it’s the story of a past.”~ Byron Katie

In the moment of the round-off pain did I love it? Well. My mind did not. It was doing its Emergency Management thing.

But I notice that now, a few days later, and after doing The Work, I am relaxed, quieter. Writing this sitting up.

Drinking a cup of tea with coconut milk.

Love, Grace

P.S. If you’re like me and you need support to stay in inquiry, connecting with other wonderful humans all of whom are interested in remembering to question their thinking….then come join either the One Year Program (fantastic small group of genius inquirers) or the 8-week Relationship Hell To Heaven teleclass. Both meet on Thursdays.

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Those Upsetting People Should Stop

Yesterday the current One Year group resumed our telecalls (we always meet three times per month).

We are in our third month together, and we change topics each month, for the whole year.

(By the way, this is so successful that a second one-year group will begin Thursday, Sept 13, 5:15 pm Pacific). Click here to read about it.

This month, we’re looking at Those People who…..ARGG….

….the ones who bug us, who are dangerous, who should change, often lumped in as a group to a “type” of person.

In the past I’ve noticed my mind judging whole cultures, countries, caricatures, neighborhoods.

Those Americans, those drunks, those starlets, those Nazis, those construction workers, those corporations, those rich people, those narcissists, those prejudiced people, those New Age Non-Dualists (tee hee, had to throw that one in)…

…you get the idea.

Then, as you consider that collection of human “types” and the energy around any one of them, situations come to mind where you personally were involved with someone from that group and you felt uncomfortable, or you heard about it.

I never met Anne Frank or any Nazi, for example, but the image of those terrible soldiers was in my mind vividly when I read Anne’s famous and incredible autobiography when I was 14.

From this vision, I answer all the questions on the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet. I think about the most stressful moment, the most annoying, difficult, bothersome piece, and write my judgments about that one situation.

Today it was so moving to hear of peoples’ anger, rage, fury, irritation, sadness or jealousy about Those Other People.

Teenagers with boom boxes, parents who don’t control their children, complainers, avoiders, arrogant people, even beautiful parents with easy lives, intolerant people, or just bad music.

We all laughed together as we exposed our judgments, fears, and our strong belief that “I need that person/people to STOP”.

Can I really know that my life would be better, easier, happier if that person quit doing what they did?

Am I sure that the noise should stop, the words, the behavior, the sound, the questions, the complaints….is it true that it needs to stop for me to be comfortable, content, or peaceful?

I notice when I believe that someone needs to be shut down, or I need to get something from someone, or even, I need to be more like those people….

….I don’t feel peaceful. I feel conflicted, confused, upset.

I might even feel like I HATE them.

Who would I be without the thought that I need them to stop it?

As we all sat with this question in group inquiry, feeling the sensations in the body without the thought that they should stop, looking at those people doing what they are doing, hearing the sound that was so objectionable….

…many people noticed the body becoming open, warm, full of energy, even full of acceptance, love, compassion for those people.

Turning the thought around we all burst into laughter as we found “I need those people to keep doing what they do, I don’t need them to stop, I need me to stop; I need me to stop ruminating, concentrating, focusing and being so at war with them, or even with ME.” 

What if I actually moved towards those people, rather than away from them?

What if I turned and faced them, rather than resisted them?

“Let go an open to your world. Realize that trying to protect your territory, trying to keep your territory enclosed and safe, is fraught with misery and suffering. It keeps you in a very small, dank, smelly, introverted world that gets more and more claustrophobic and more and more misery-producing as you get older.” ~ Pema Chodron

Living the turnaround for me doesn’t mean I have to move in with the Nazis, or enter arenas where I know not to go….

….but I might find something beautiful as I allow them to be as they are.

I might find gratitude for what is present, now.

“No one has to question their thoughts. It can be very difficult to get that still. But it’s even more difficult NOT to get that still, and answer these questions. It is the way out of hell. We’re not used to that. It can be very uncomfortable, just the idea of being happy.” ~ Byron Katie 

The next One Year Group starts on Thursdays, Sept 13, 5:15-6:45 pm. You can choose to enroll in the telecalls only, or add 4 solo sessions and/or the two in-person weekend retreats in Seattle (these will be so much fun, and powerful). We meet until August 2014.

I Like This Restaurant
“Doing the work over the years without training or knowing anybody actually doing the work, (I found people willing to talk about the work but none willing to put it on paper), I craved association with others actually doing the work. In taking this class and associating with you all is even more satisfying than I had anticipated. I so enjoy spending time with anybody willing to question their thoughts, willing to face the discomfort that comes with believing that thought and then move into joy. Very real, I like this restaurant and want to come back again & again.” S, Year Of Inquiry Group  

Come enjoy the intimate, caring experience of making a year of appointments with Self-Inquiry….a small group (limited to 14) to hear you and support your work, and the power of noticing what is Real and what is not.

Love, Grace

 

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Slow Down To Do The Work If You’re In A Hurry

Quick announcement day: A few more spots left for August 10th Mini Retreat, a lovely afternoon diving into The Work in private retreat cottage northeast Seattle (Goldilocks Cottage) 1:30-5:30 pm.

This is time set aside for exploring your mind and investigating your stressful beliefs, something so many people crave, yet seem to never wind up actually doing.

4 CEUs can be earned for mental health professionals through the Washington State Society for Clinical Social Work.

Beginners and experienced welcome—this is a wonderful afternoon to practice doing The Work with a partner as well as a small group, facilitate someone else, improve your inquiry skills, and meet like-minded inquirers….all with good guidance and Q & A time.

For information and to register, click here. Limited to a group of 12 max.

If you can’t come in August, the next one is October 19th.

And speaking of setting aside time for yourself for exploring your mind….

Why is this something that we know is so deeply helpful in life, and yet, we avoid it, dismiss it, put it off for later, and don’t get around to it until we’re often so stressed we’re in excruciating pain?

I know for me, I want things to be easy, finger-snapping quick, simple, painless AND I don’t want to feel bad, to discover I made a mistake, to be upset with myself.

I don’t like discovering that I’ve been wrong, that I wasn’t seeing something with clear and loving eyes, or that I was taking something way too seriously.

Especially if I had it wrong about someone I’ve known my whole life!

(Hi mom!!)

To take the time for retreat, to focus, to slow down appears to take effort. It appears that we need to schedule this time in our lives.

Maybe it has always been this way, and that’s why people have chosen to live for periods of contemplation and silence in monasteries.

These mini-retreats are made short and simple…and they are created so that we take the time, we focus on ourselves and our personal journey of understanding.

Only four hours. You can even sleep in. We have lots of snacks.

I find over and over again, these retreats bring compassion, love, and honesty to any stressful situation. They bring just a little ease and relief, or a lot.

You never know when one brick taken out of a wall of beliefs about the universe with make the whole thing topple down, with Joy left over.

From Byron Katie’s website Frequently Asked Questions:

Do I have to write? Can’t I just ask the questions and turn my statements around in my head when I have a problem?

“Mind’s job is to be right, and it can justify itself faster than the speed of light. Stop the portion of your thinking that is the source of your fear, anger, sadness, or resentment by transferring it to paper. Once the mind is stopped on paper, it’s much easier to investigate. Eventually The Work begins to undo you automatically without writing.” ~ Byron Katie 

Come give yourself time to stop your mind on paper. To actually sit with the painful beliefs you think, and wonder about them in a powerful way.

Who knows what can happen from there.

If you don’t live in the Pacific Northwest, then join a teleclass coming up in the fall and call in from anywhere in the world.

Or connect with someone who loves investigating their mind and their perception of the universe, and ask each other powerful questions and hear each other’s answers.

It can be very difficult to do The Work all by yourself. At least that has been my personal experience and what I hear reported from many people.

Give yourself a break. If you’re in a hurry to reach understanding, do The Work.

Love, Grace

To comment on this Grace Note…click HERE!

  • Our Wonderful Sexuality: A Safe Place For Inquiry on Painful Thoughts About Sexuality. Mondays, October 21-December 9, 2013 8-9:30 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. Register Here.
  • Mini Retreats Seattle. Saturdays 1:30-5:30 pm. 2013: 8/10, 10/19, 11/30, 1:30-5:30 pm. 2014 Mini Retreats: 1/18, 3/8, 5/3, 10/11, 12/6/14. 4 CEUs can be earned. Goldilocks Cottage. $70 includes intensive, handouts, tea and snacks, $55 repeater rate.  Click here to register for mini-retreats
  • Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven: Who’s Bugging You? Parent, Child, Spouse, Partner, Boss, Client…bring them. Thursdays, September 12 – November 7, 2013 8 – 9:30 am PT Register Here.
  • Pain, Sickness and Death: The Worst That Can Happen. Fridays, September 13 – October 25, 2013 10-11:30 am PT. 6 week teleclass. Register Here.
  • Horrible Food Wonderful Food Weekend! Seattle, December 14-15, 2013 10 am – 9 pm Sat and 10 am – 5 pm Sun. Stay tuned for details coming soon.
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Freedom From Your Own Ideas About Feeling Bad

Not long ago I had a client who said something I’ve heard many times over the years as I’ve worked with people to question their thinking:

“I feel awful. I have a heavy weight of depression, despair, anger, anxiety, unhappiness…… But I have NO IDEA what I’m thinking that would create these terrible feelings.”

This woman went on to say that she had tried The Work but wasn’t sure anything had actually changed for her.

Her mind was so troubled, and she was desperately hoping for a sudden shift, a miraculous change.

I used to think this way when I had extreme eating behavior that didn’t seem to make any sense.

There I would be, living my life…and KABOOM…I would have the thought that eating would be a good idea, even though I wasn’t actually hungry.

Eating would change the channel on my situation, alter the trajectory of feeling. Eating would shake things up or switch the plans for the next couple of hours.

But there was a basic, profoundly unhappy belief that my situation was somewhat dangerous (sometimes it was only a teensy bit alarming, sometimes TERRIBLY worrisome).

This feeling, this moment, this situation is BAD BAD BAD.

It must be stopped. I can’t handle it. I “have to” do something.

When I used to believe this thought, that my current condition was WRONG, BAD, ALARMING, OFF….then guess how I reacted to that belief?

How do you react when you think your condition, your life situation, is BAD? That your feeling is WRONG? That you’re missing something?

How I reacted is I would bring out an army of thoughts AGAINST my condition, my situation.

I’d set to solving the problem I had, my condition, as if someone had a gun to my head saying “figure this out, NOW!”

My mind’s job was to prove that what I was experiencing was indeed horrendous. It would note and summarize all the evidence that my condition was threatening.

I would visit specialists, or read their books. I would be superstitious, I would wish my mind was different than it was, I would have visions and images float through my head of my disruptive childhood or my mean boss….I would think this situation was caused by my parents, my sensitive personality, my speedy mind, my upbringing, my society, genetics, poor nutrition.

When I believed that something was wrong with me, with my situation, with my feeling of despair, then I would feel exhausted with the search for change, with the search to “fix” my predicament.

When I believed something was wrong with me or with my life, or if something scared me…I would eat, eat, eat and it would help temporarily, but then I would hate myself and start the cycle all over.

What a black hole of unhappiness. It felt like death warmed over, as my grandma would say.

Blech.

So who did I become, without the belief that my situation and condition was so horrendously bad?

Because that’s what happened.

I began to question my belief that the dark blob feeling was an enemy.

Who would you be without the thought that your troubling feelings are impossible, that you need a miracle and immediate shift?

Who would you be without the thought that your condition is dire, wrong, alarming, off, BAD?

Without that belief hanging over my head, I began to make friends with my feeling of darkness, depression, death, resistance.

Who would I be without the thought that I am against this kind of feeling? Who would I be without the thought that I must be afraid of this feeling?

“If you think it’s hell and you’re taking the cap off it….let it fly, be a volcano. It couldn’t be worse than what you’ve been living — and if it is, let’s test it.” ~ Byron Katie

Without the belief that having a feeling of fear, or anger, or rage, or despair is something to be avoided at all costs….

….I welcomed the feelings.

I allowed them to be here, generating themselves inside me, however that happened.

I stopped trying to figure out how to get rid of them.

I started seeing what I was thinking, slowing it down, so I could examine the stream of ideas running through my mind.

” ‘I don’t have a belief’ is the first belief.” ~ Byron Katie

The turnaround: this feeling is good, it should stay, I need to keep feeling this way, this is not so horrible, this has a message for me, this is important, my situation is right, helpful, accurate, good, ON. 

Do you really want to snap your fingers and feel lollipops and roses? Are you SURE you don’t ever want to crave something, or feel stress, or discouragement?

“The mark of a moderate man is freedom from his own ideas. Tolerant like the sky, all-pervading like sunlight, firm like a mountain, supple like a tree in the wind, he has no destination in view and makes use of anything life happens to bring his way.” ~ Tao Te Ching #59

Love, Grace

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