Tag: the work of Byron Katie

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That Look She Gave Me Hurt

Do you remember when your mother, or some other important adult in your life, would give you a “look” that might make your heart sink to the floor?

She doesn’t like me! I did something wrong! I’m cast out of favor!

In my adult life, one interesting place I’ve noticed stressful beliefs multiplying and producing conflict is when someone close to me thinks that I am the one with the “look”, and then they react or look worried, and then I think THEY have a “look”, and then I have a “look” that says “I Didn’t Have A Look–What’s Wrong With You!”

Did you follow that?

It all happens in the split second of an eye blinking.

My daughter who is 15 cares very much what I think, hears what I say, and takes in a great deal of what I do, even when I think she doesn’t notice (and maybe she doesn’t).

This morning I exclaimed “Oh look at the time! You might be late!” and it appears she thought I was critical of her. Then I WAS critical of her because she “over-reacted”. Hilarious! Fortunately we were laughing about it later.

It’s amazing how often we assume, based on small conversation, or a look, or a gesture, or the absence of conversation, or silence, what is going on with someone….and that it’s BAD.

If we don’t like it when other people object to something we’re doing…we have to be very careful NOT to do anything that might cause objection.

I used to walk around with a lot of fear about other peoples’ criticism. It still is something that enters my psyche. Especially with people I admire.

Those people who are “famous” in my mind I might feel shy around. I might be watching, hold back, have an attitude of wanting to take in all they are saying and doing, and not fully engage.

Then, on top of wanting them to approve of me, I also think I shouldn’t be caring about that, so there’s a voice that is instantly criticizing the one who wants approval.

GAWD, stop being so sensitive! Stop caring what others think of you!

“I want them to like me, but I really shouldn’t want that.”

And of course, I sometimes assume that other people want ME to like THEM (and want to hide the fact that they want me to). So I might make sure I’m nice, or draw them out, so theyknow I like them, if I do.

It’s a lot of work and gets very complicated.

But let’s get to the core underlying belief…no matter how much I’ve told myself I shouldn’t care, sometimes I do. So let’s take a look.

Do I really want people to like me? That seems like such an old story, an ancient assumption.

Of course I want that! It would be terrible to be disliked, ignored, shunned, or kicked out! I love having a special, loving, fun, easy connection with someone! I love joking around! I can’t do that unless they like me! Why would I give that up, are you nuts?!

When I have questioned my thinking and done The Work, I realize that I want people to like what they like, and NOT like what they don’t like.

That’s what I want for myself. It’s total freedom. At this moment I like, then the next moment I don’t like. No “have-to” about liking anything.

I notice that “likes” come and go. They change quickly. Preferences shift. Today I like salami, another day it grosses me out.

This person I joke around with, that other person we have serious conversations.

When I relax completely and allow the world to be what it is, with all the personalities within it, life is very easy.

Without the thought that I want anyone to like me, I do not have to be afraid that I’ll be unpleasant, brusk, unlikable and rejected.

In fact, I’m very authentic. I’m deeply happy. I’m like a truly free person, coming and going as I please and allowing other people to come and go as they please.

Someone thinks I don’t like them, and it’s not a big deal. No need to rush in and “fix” or “correct” their perception, unless that’s the kind thing to do and the way it goes.

“How do you react when you think you need people’s love? Do you become a slave for their approval? Do you live an inauthentic life because you can’t bear the thought that they might disapprove of you? Do you try to figure out how they would like you to be, and then try to become that, like a chameleon? In fact, you never really get their love. You turn into someone you aren’t, and then when they say “I love you,” you can’t believe it, because they’re loving a facade. They’re loving someone who doesn’t even exist, the person you’re pretending to be. It’s difficult to seek other people’s love. It’s deadly. In seeking it, you lose what is genuine. This is the prison we create for ourselves as we seek what we already have.” ~ Byron Katie

Even if you do the opposite and instead of being a chameleon, you act defiant all the time, making sure you DON’T CARE if people like you (ha)…you still can’t believe people like the real, honest you, since you haven’t shown them.

My favorite way of breaking down this ancient story of caring what other people think is to find genuine examples of what the advantages are when people haven’t liked me.

  • I don’t have to talk with them, I have more free time
  • I get more alone time to talk with myself (my favorite)!
  • They get what they need or want from someone else
  • I don’t have to “work” at changing their impression of me
  • They show me where I still care or feel “hurt” and I can question my thinking
  • I get to live in a world where not everyone likes, needs, or wants me…phew

“It’s not your job to like me, it’s mine.”~Byron Katie

Love, Grace

P.S. Look at all the teleclasses and in-person retreats below! Join me in questioning the amazing mind, I love your presence.

Learn About All Teleclasses Here 

Click here to register for the Pain, Sickness and Death Class!

  • Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Tuesday, March 26 – May 14, 2013, 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. 
  • Pain, Sickness and Death: Making Friends With The Worst That Happens In Life. Thursdays, March 7 – April 11, 2013. 5:15-6:45 pm. 6 weeks $295. 
  • Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven: Working With Painful Hate, Anger, Fury, Despair, Grief, or Disappointment With Someone You Know; Spouse, Mother, Sibling, Father, Daughter, Son, Boss, Neighbor, Friend. Fridays, March 29 – May 17, 2013 8:00 am – 9:30 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.  
  • Horrible Food Wonderful Food: Investigating the Love/Hate Relationship with Eating And Food. Tuesdays, June 11 – July 30, 2013 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. 
  • Our Wonderful Sexuality: A Safe Place For Inquiry on Painful Thoughts About Sexuality. Fridays, July 5 – August 23, 2013 Noon – 1:30 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.    

In Person workshops:

  •  Mini Retreat Seattle. Saturday, April 6, 2013, 1:30-5:30 pm. Goldilocks Cottage. $70 includes intensive, handouts, tea and snacks.
  •  Mini Retreat Seattle. Saturday, May 18, 2013, 1:30-5:30 pm  Goldilocks Cottage. $70 includes intensive, handouts, tea and snacks.
  • SIGN UP FOR BOTH SATURDAY MINI RETREATS FOR $125
  • One-Day Retreat: Question Your Thinking, Change Your Life. Saturday, June 15, 2013, Thunder Bay, Ontario, CANADA. $175 includes workshop, snacks, wonderful catered lunch. Please click HERE learn more and to register. 
  • Loving Your Body As Is Breitenbush Hot Springs Retreat. June 26-30, 2013.For all the information please click HERE.

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I Hate Those Complainers

Only nine days until the Pain, Sickness and Death 6-week teleclass starts on 3/7. If you would love signing up for this class if it started at 5:15 pm Pacific time on Thursdays, instead of 6:15 pm PT, running for 90 minutes, then write me at grace@workwithgrace.com. I ask because I’ve had several inquiries for an earlier time. There’s only room for 3 more participants.

If you’d like to read more about the Pain class, click here.

Physical maladies, trauma, injury or threats produce a great deal of painful thinking in the human experience.

I was working with a sweet client who has had a chronic pain from a back injury for several years.

She said to me “I have so many complaints.” Her discouragement was deep. The list seemed long and overwhelming.

The very definition of “complaint” in Webster’s dictionary is “an expression of grief, pain, or dissatisfaction”. Complaining can happen silently, to oneself, or out in the open to people around us.

Byron Katie offers a great exercise to root out complaining, see its cause, investigate it. She says you can write out a list, just let yourself go nuts, with the prompt “I complain about____ because____.”

Don’t worry about how long the list is or how ridiculous your complaints actually are. There is nothing wrong with this Complaining Voice. You are giving it a voice so that you can look more closely.

  • I complain about clutter in my house because it looks ugly, I want it to go away
  • I complain about my left leg hurting because I want to stop sitting in that chair and stop working at the computer and I want it to stop hurting
  • I complain about my dry skin because I always need lotion to soothe it and I want someone to get me some lotion
  • I complain about the dishes being undone because I want someone else to do them
  • I complain about those other annoying complainers because they bring me down

In fact, my biggest, most repetitive complaint has been about other people who complain.

Caught in the act!

It is absolutely fascinating to see why I think there is a need to complain, to express grief, pain or dissatisfaction with this situation or person, with what I am hearing.

I want those complainers to shut up! Stop their talking on and on about negativity!

And why do I want it to end? Seriously? What is the actual problem? Why do I think their complaints “bring me down”?

Well…that complaining person wants me, or someone, obviously, to do something about their complaint! They want me to fix their disturbance. They are unhappy. I SHOULD HELP THEM.

Is that true? Are they really unhappy and wanting me to help? Am I as sure, as they are, that they can’t do it themselves?

“You think if you complain enough, something magical is going to happen….Any time you complain, notice what you want us to do. “~Byron Katie 

It’s as if I believe that if I say what I don’t like (complain) enough then I will eventually get what I want. Someone will do the dishes, someone will straighten up the house, someone will stop telling me their irritating complaints!

The wonderful Marshall Rosenburg, founder of non-violent communication, suggests that people learn to make direct requests, instead of complain. He says that it works so much better when we recognize that we need something, and then ask for what we need!

Do I really need those complainers to quit complaining? Can I make a specific direct request to someone, can I tell them the truth, can I have a genuine conversation?

I could say something like this; “when you are complaining, I feel sad because I think you want me to fix it, or God to fix it. You sound powerless, instead of the strong person I know you to be. You sound like you won’t ever be happy, and you feel helpless, and I know that’s a hard place to be. I love you.”

And then….they can get excited about what you’ve said, or not.

“When another person suffers, there’s nothing I can do about that, except maybe to put my arms around them or bring them a cup of tea and let them know that I’m totally available. But that’s where it must end. The rest is up to them. And because I made it through, I know that they can do it. I am NOT special.”~Byron Katie

I discovered that the real reason I’ve complained about other people complaining is that I want them to be happy and powerful. Because if they are happy and powerful, then I don’t have to try to help them. I can be free to be happy and powerful myself.

I can only be happy if they are happy, and so I have to try to help them get happy….is it true?

Wow! I can be happy even if other people are complaining? I don’t HAVE to help them? Even someone very close to me?

“She who is centered in the Tao can go where she wishes, without danger. She perceives the universal harmony, even amid great pain, because she has found peace in her heart.”~Tao Te Ching #35

If you’d like to zoom in on your deepest complaints, how to be around pain whether yours or others, and your feelings about the biggie….death….come join the six-week teleclass starting next week.

Love, Grace

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We Have A Situation Here

When something happens in life that feels frightening, whether very small or very big, it’s amazing to watch the mind and body react.

The inner all-about-me mind will say that this is the most important thing to think about, this frightening situation. It will return to it over and over.

If the mind is NOT thinking about the troubling situation over and over, then some other voices may come in and say, “Hey! Pay attention! This is worrisome, you need to watch out!”

Its as if this all-about-me mind is a president sitting in a grand office, working on important things….and then OUT THERE in the regular world something threatening happens.

The president is busy, but the police force and other military officials come running and knock on the door and shout, “WE’VE GOT A SITUATION HERE!”.

And then all forces are enlisted to figure out how to handle this “situation”. The underlying assumption is that this situation needs to change, to go away, to adjust, to get resolved.

There are extremely painful situations, that seem to be agreed upon somehow in the human condition, that feel bad, terrible and important to avoid or fix…

Losing all our money, getting a terrible disease, getting physically hurt, someone close dying or leaving, our house burning down, not having enough of something, like love.

The Work is a way to question our assumptions about what happens in life. Every “situation” can be examined and investigated.

Just because I’m afraid, or upset, or sad, or angry, or disappointed….doesn’t mean it really is Bad. 

That’s quite an amazing first step, to stop, and ask Is it really true that this situation is wrong, or shouldn’t be happening, or is terrifying, or is permanent, or devastating, or dreadful?

The situation IS happening, but if we open to it happening, allow it to be as it is, then there might be a calmer response to it.

This doesn’t mean being passive, like swinging to the opposite of ATTACK-MODE and doing nothing. Calmness does not mean being mute, or extremely cautious.

Sometimes a bigger response is what is called for in a moment…with strength, love, and kindness.

If there was a toddler walking towards a huge freeway with cars speeding by, and any one of us saw the child, we would run (if we had legs) and call out (if we had a voice).

That would simply be the way of it. We would not say, “I am practicing allowing everything to be as it is, so I am going to lie here and do nothing”.

Recently I was thinking about leaders like Martin Luther King, Jr, Mahatma Gandhi, Aretha Franklin, Desmond Tutu, Byron Katie, Marshall Rosenburg…people who speak about what other new vision they have for difficult situations, an alternative to suffering.

I don’t like conflict much. I don’t like arguments with people, or shouting, or name-calling. I hardly ever have had situations that even look like this, I’ve avoided them.

The urge to withdraw or not speak up is very interesting, very subtle.

I find there are thoughts dancing about that make it more difficult to respond to a situation, to be truly honest. These are thoughts like:

  • that person will hate me if I say “no” or if I say what I think
  • if I don’t explain why I am saying “no” then she will get angry
  • if I speak up about this situation, to authority, to others, they will get mad
  • I should make people feel happy at all times, not upset
  • if I tell the truth for myself, as I see it, I will be rejected
  • people will think I’m stupid, mean, cold, immature, aggressive, mistaken
  • I will be shunned, left, abandoned
  • I better be NICE!

But after doing The Work on troubling situations, I find that my responses to new situations that arise are different.

I am not afraid of breaking the rules like “only say nice things”….because a deeper, more penetrating love comes alive, where I don’t have to constantly worry about if I said the wrong thing or that I MIGHT say the wrong thing.

I find the turnarounds coming alive from all these painful stressful beliefs about what nice-ness or kindness is supposed to look like.

  • if that person is upset when I say “no” everyone is still OK and this is an amazing opportunity
  • if someone is angry, it is safe, I am safe, no need to explain
  • if I speak up they will get excited
  • I can’t “make” anyone feel happy at all times
  • if I am rejected, all is still very well
  • people will think all kinds of things, and it’s their business
  • I will be loved, cared for, set free
  • I better be honest!

People come, people go, that’s the way of life. People certainly all won’t like what I am saying in every moment.

“…The path of the warrior is a lot more daring: you are cultivating a fearless heart, a heart that doesn’t close down in any circumstance; it is always totally open, so that you could be touched by anything.”~Pema Chodron

Today, after doing The Work and contemplating how I am so human when I feel afraid of other peoples’ reactions, I have such joyful energy towards those feisty, outspoken, action-oriented humans who have shown what its like to speak up.

Even if the words they speak are not favorable to me, how incredible to hear the honesty, the willingness to be courageous and SAY IT.

As I see beauty in ALL the people who speak…I see how it can be done with skill, with loving kindness, with trust….I can watch the great leaders and see how they did it.

“Know the male, yet keep to the female: receive the world in your arms. If you receive the world, the Tao will never leave you and you will be like a little child.”~Tao Te Ching #28 

Today, I’ve questioned my thinking about that difficult person and un-doing my beliefs, the president calls off the troops, the situation is really not that important.

We have a situation here? Not anymore.

Love, Grace

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Peace-Torment-Now Rollercoaster

Yesterday and today I had the amazing opportunity to do The Work on a very stressful situation storming inside myself.

Something troubling happened, I got some strange and unexpected news. The information hit my mind, and *KABOOM*! Emotions, stress, sadness, anxiety all resulted.

Its like the time I went into the doctor’s office to get four stitches out from a mole that was biopsied, and when the doctor came into the examining room….her face didn’t look so good. Adrenaline rush.

The thought and the feeling practically happen simultaneously.

Bad News. Uncomfortable Feeling. Mind Starts Thinking.

After I had this troubling news, in the middle of my day, going from here to there, I noticed my mind working VERY hard to know. It wanted an answer!

Why? Why is this happening? Something has gone wrong! Someone has misunderstood something, someone is hurting out there, someone is unnecessarily frightened.

I felt so excruciatingly anxious, then surprisingly peaceful, then mind would kick in again and go back to sad…then open and watching, then wondering.

The mind LOVES the two thoughts together: 1)”I wonder what’s going on!? 2) “Oh, I KNOW!”

The little mind hates when it doesn’t have the “I KNOW” part covered.

So, after doing many other activities and watching a roller coaster ride go pretty crazy on the inside of myself for awhile…I knew to do The Work.

Is it true? Can I absolutely know that this is true?

Can I be sure that the way I’m seeing it is accurate? Do I really know? Do I even need to know?

No.

I had a wonderful facilitator asked me the four questions. When I sit with another person, on the phone or skype or live, and they are there witnessing me and my frantic mind…it’s like the most beautiful gift I could receive.

No hiding. No sweeping this situation under the rug. No avoiding, or wishing it away.

Here it is. Reality.

Who would I be without the thought that something terrible is happening?

Like even in that moment in the doctor’s office when the doctor said, “you’ve got cancer”.  Who was I without the belief that its terrible?

This is not trying to think positively, or trying to get rid of scary thoughts and delete them. This is noticing who I would be without the thought at that moment?

Empty, watching the air in the room feel richer, taking a deep breath. Seeing colors all around me. Body relaxing.

Lighter, lighter, lighter. Free.

Could it be possible that this is a wonderful thing that is happening? Could there be advantages?

What if I could say, when something difficult occurs in my world, “OH GOOD! This is going to be really interesting!”

What if I really didn’t need my life to go a certain way today in order for it to be a “good” life? What if I roll with however it goes…open, unlimited, exciting.

What if I can feel love, even here, right now, in this moment where I feel great fear or sadness. Is this terrible moment ALL stress? What else is here?

Peace is here. Remembering who I am without stressful thoughts. When I answer that question, who I WOULD BE without the idea that something terrible has occurred…then I see beyond the terrible. I enter the DON’T KNOW mind in a much more wonderful way.

I don’t know why this happened, I don’t know why I’m experiencing this, I don’t know why it hurts so much, I don’t know why I believe it loss, trauma, or pain so often.

I don’t know what any of it is really for….and that is absolutely OK. This situation apparently exists, without my opinion that it shouldn’t.

And when I turn it around, I discover that I’m not so sure this “bad” thing shouldn’t be happening.

Something good is happening.

Really? Exciting! Something is shifting, something is coming into form, something is helping things move in that direction, not in this one. There is no reasoning, there is no point that I need to know about.

I received this beautiful poem today from an author and teacher, Mary O’Malley, in her newsletter.

Aimless Love

This morning as I walked along the lakeshore,
I fell in love with a wren
and later in the day with a mouse
the cat had dropped under the dining room table.

In the shadows of an autumn evening,
I fell for a seamstress
still at her machine in the tailor’s window,
and later for a bowl of broth,
steam rising like smoke from a naval battle.

This is the best kind of love, I thought,
without recompense, without gifts,
or unkind words, without suspicion,
or silence on the telephone…

~ Billy Collins ~

This is the best kind of love….without the thought that there is anything dangerous or misunderstood going on. No suspicion, no lack of kindness.

Just silence and noticing.

You can do it, too.

Love, Grace

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There Must Be Some Mistake

Making mistakes is an interesting concept.

Byron Katie says that when she first experienced her huge shift of perspective, quite on its own without her help, people started knocking on her door.

Many of them would say “namaste”. She thought they were saying “no mistake”.

She hadn’t been a part of any scenes that said “namaste” so it was an entirely foreign word. but “no mistake” worked just as well for her.

Kind of hilarious, though, to realize that she was thinking everyone was so brilliant and they were all bowing and saying No Mistake to each other….

And they were brilliant, of course.

Namaste means, roughly, “I bow to your form and the light in you”. In India (or here as well) you might bow with your hands together and this will mean the same thing, even if you don’t say “namaste” out loud.

Mistake is defined in the dictionary as making a blunder in judgment, action or opinion. By definition, it means that it should have or could have gone differently….with more knowledge, or more awareness, or less negligence, a different opinion, an alternative action, or SOMETHING.

But imagine walking about and seeing someone before you and bowing, whether you really do it or not, with the idea that there are no mistakes.

Imagine doing this with that person who really bugs you. That person from 20 years ago, that mean boss, that difficult teenager, that angry son, that ex-partner, that nasty neighbor.

Have you had the thought that a relationship in your life was a mistake? That you made a mistake? They made a mistake? One big blunder?

What if you open to turning that thought around. It doesn’t mean jumping into believing immediately “I did NOT make a mistake, that relationship was NOT a mistake….that was a FABULOUS wonderful relationship, one of the BEST!”

No, that might be a bit far at the beginning.

But if you find yourself experiencing deep stress when you consider that mistaken time you spent in the past, or that mistaken action, with that mistaken person….then you know you can do The Work, and find out what’s really true.

That was a mistake. Is it true? Can I absolutely know that this is true?

How do I react when I believe the thought that there’s been a mistake?

Oh boy. Busy mind. Sad, unhappy, frustrated, regretful. Busy feelings. Many images. Worried energy. Tight. Planning ways to fix it. Self-critical. Wishing things were different.

Who would you be without the thought that a mistake was made? Without the thought that it could or should have gone differently, could have gone better, could have not hurt so much?

Who would you be without the thought that you made a mistake, or THEY made a mistake?

I did not make a mistake, that period of time was not a mistake, he did not make a mistake, she did not make a mistake, it’s nobody’s fault.

Can you find examples of how this might be true? What if everyone is always doing the best they can? Were there any advantages to it going the way it went?

“Our parents, our children, our spouses, and our friends will continue to press every button we have, until we realize what it is that we don’t want to know about ourselves, yet. They will point us to our freedom every time.”~Byron Katie

The thing happened. It went the way it did.

Without any mistakes, I am in this present moment. Open and empty, filled with peace. Moving with the wave.

I bow to the mistake. Namaste. Thank you for being there, to show me where I have believed in mistakes.

“Open yourself to the Tao, then trust your natural responses; and everything will fall into place.” ~ Tao Te Ching #23

Love, Grace

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Bring All Those Money Thoughts

Someone asked me “You mean, you just investigated your thoughts about money, and your money changed?”

The short answer is “yes”.

Of course, I now see that money changes all on its own, without my opinion.

My opinion used to bring anger, frustration, terror, unhappiness and anxiety. My opinion used to bring comparison to those other people with money, me with less money, those other people without money, me with more money.

It can drive a person nuts to be in that framework. Well….it did drive me nuts.

My job, as I see it these days, is to watch my mind, be present, and investigate. I watch the effort rise, the thoughts that I need to do something, the thought that this money should go here or there.

I’m so bossy!

If you’re wondering what to do with your Money Thoughts….all those endless ideas and dreams about having more or less….one place you can bring them for deep investigation is to a very small group of inquirers.

The power of the group is amazing, intimate, and precious. And it can change your mind entirely about that thing called Money and all the ways we know to get it, receive it, have it move towards us.

Monday we start the teleclass Earning Money. We dial in together, limited to 10 participants, using our phones or Skype, and we sink into examining this thing called money and the ways we access it…work, having a business, marketing, services, gifts, spending, investing, donating.

People will be on the call together from all over the world. Amazing.

Come along for the ride, it’s a fabulous journey.

You don’t need to have huge job or business problems…all you need is an interest in looking at your thoughts about money, your relationship to money, and to question it!

Richness Of The Group Inquiry Process:

Thanks everyone, for a great class. And thanks, Grace, for creating the structure and support for this powerful inquiry. I so appreciate your facilitation, dedication, humility, and humor, and I’m nourished by your desire to be of service in any way you can. This is a motherlode of a ‘topic’ and it’s amazing to me that after 8+ weeks of exploring Money, Work, Biz, how it feels like it’s just the tip of the iceberg….I was really impressed by how much richness there was in the group inquiry process. And enjoyed the companionship, vulnerability, and humor that was generated in our circle.~MB, class participant Autumn 2012

I Never Looked At This Before:

I really loved sitting with the questions from Grace this week.  No wonder I feel so uncomfortable marketing when I saw all the underlying beliefs I have around marketing and sales.   I have been doing the work for several years and never looked at this part of my business and what I do, the marketing. ~ MM, class participant Summer 2012  

Love, Grace

Learn About Teleclasses Here

Click here to register for any of these classes online. You can also send an email to grace@workwithgrace.com if you’d prefer to mail a check or want to ask questions.   

  • Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Mondays, February 4-April 1, 2013, 7:30 – 9:00 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. No class March 4th. 
  • Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven: Working With Painful Hate, Anger, Fury, Despair, Grief, or Disappointment With Someone You Know; Spouse, Mother, Sibling, Father, Daughter, Son, Boss, Neighbor, Friend. Fridays, March 29-May 17, 2013 8:00 am – 9:30 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.
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You Do Not Need More Money

Money seems to be one of my biggest hooks, triggers, potholes, or suffering zones over the past several years. For some weird reason, I didn’t think about it much in my teens, twenties, or thirties.

It’s almost like I put it on a shelf over there. I had other more important things to think about. I didn’t want to get all riled up about it, like other people. I didn’t want to feel scarcity around it, or get too driven about it.

I was always pretty happy with small amounts of stuff. Seriously. I loved taking things to goodwill or give them away. I preferred everything I owned to fit in my car.

During my childhood it seemed like Money caused a lot of problems for several important people in my life: my mom, dad, grandma and grandpa.

Strange, but it remained unimportant to me, because there was nothing I actually wanted, as a child, that money could buy. It was super easy to get my first job…one of my sisters got a job at a retirement home and told me to go ahead and apply, too. I think we were about 14 and 15 years old.

If she hadn’t suggested applying, I probably wouldn’t have even thought of it in the first place.

Cut to 30 years later when I was desperate for an interview, income, a job. And yet…picky picky picky. It couldn’t be a low-paying waitress job or an entry level position. Because of my thoughts, I imagined that to be worse than being unemployed.

A few weeks more, with the threat of not being able to buy gas for my car much longer, I was not so picky anymore.

Fortunately for me, at that time, I had The Work as a tool to use for my wildly insanely panicked thoughts about money and work.

Even though I had almost no money left and my bank account was dwindling to nothing, I hired a facilitator to help me investigate my beliefs about money, and work. I like to tell this story in the Earning Money teleclass.

The most painful, painful thought was “I need more money. Yesterday”.

I could see the inevitability of losing my house unless something really drastic changed. I made my first late mortgage payment….only 3 months away from foreclosure.

My savings were gone.

I needed more money, so I thought, or I would lose my house. And THAT would of course be horrendous, because my kids and I would have to move in with my mom. Forty minutes away by car.

Thinking about the worst that could happen without money was something I barely wanted to consider before. But with investigation into my greatest fear, I asked myself what was really true.

  • I will have no home
  • My children will suffer
  • My entire family will be happier than me
  • I will never bounce back
  • It’s too late for me to start a good career
  • I don’t know how to get a good job, earn LOTS of money
  • I need more training, another degree, a different education
  • My mother will be annoyed with us
  • I won’t be able to stand sharing a kitchen with my mother! It will be WWIII.

As I found these thoughts my stomach felt nauseated and tight, the images were terrible, I imagined myself as such a loser.

And the thing that would cure this pain was definitely more money.

But could I absolutely know that this was true? Would my pain actually be cured? Would I feel excited and without fear? Would I feel secure, truly? Would I feel rested, peaceful, happy? Was money the only way to freedom?

Um. That would be a “no”. I knew money was not the only way to freedom, that would be crazy.

How I lived with the thought that I needed more money YESTERDAY was like I was in a state of emergency inside my body. I was exhausted, I was jittery, I couldn’t sleep well, I kept thinking the same thoughts, and I was sure I couldn’t get along with my mother.

Who would I be WITHOUT the thought that I needed more money?

It was almost impossible to find that place, initially. I kept seeing my house disappear, my life disappear, my car disappear, my enthusiasm and motivation disappear. I kept seeing myself depressed in my mother’s basement, and my kids crying because they missed the house we used to have (as if they would join me in the same agony).

But turning the thought around….WOW. Now that was amazing to consider. To become open to the possibilities.

  • I will always have a home, no matter where I am–that has been the case so far
  • My children will not suffer, they will see what it’s like to move from here to there
  • I could be happier than my entire family. Hilarious! Without the constrictions of a mortgage, who knows!
  • I don’t need to bounce back, I will be bouncing forward
  • Amazing people have found new careers late in life, and so can I
  • I do know how to get a good job, I am just as capable of earning lots of money as anyone else
  • I don’t need any more training, no degree, no education. I have the perfect amount. Incredible people in this world support themselves, without degrees.
  • My mother will be thrilled with us, and get to know us intimately
  • I will love sharing with my mother. It will be an incredible truce!

I began to see such benefits, that it started sounding fantastic to move out of our home, sell everything, give everything away, and move in with my mother. What an opportunity! Start a brand new life! Fun!

The relief, stillness, acceptance, and peace penetrated everything I had started believing about money.

I did not need more money. 

The whole thing was a nightmare, and I was waking up.

And that was happening, without more money. DOH!

“Fear has only two causes: the thought of losing what you have or the thought of not getting what you want. In either case, the worst thing that can ever happen is a story. Nothing you need can be taken from you. And no one can ever have anything you need. Need is a story you tell yourself. It’s a wanting-what-is-not that separates you from what is.”~Byron Katie in I Need Your Love, Is It True?

Seeing the advantages in what is, I waited and kept moving and calling places, more joyfully. I looked at want-ads with more creativity. I asked for loans, and amazing family members said Yes.

I felt the trust of the universe. This was going to go the way that it would go…without my opinion.

It went the way it needed to go, for my biggest learning.

Come join the next teleclass Earning Money: What’s The Problem?  It starts next Monday, 7:30 – 9:00 am Pacific time. We spend time investigating the really gritty, angry, beastly thoughts about money, about our businesses or our jobs (or lack of them), what we believe about marketing or selling (job interviews, promoting our businesses) and how we feel about the state of not-enough.

It’s one of my favorite journeys of all time. Join us! We still have room for a few more.

Love, Grace

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Eternity Is Our Destiny–Is That Scary?

I know I’ve been writing constantly about the mind this past week. Interesting little entity. Very busy, very constant, and at some point, very predictable.

Basically, I’m referring to this mind as a thing…but it’s really a sort of energy. Thinking. Words, images, scenes, sounds.

Byron Katie mentions in her work this mind and how it conjures possibilities about the future and worries about the past like waves in the ocean. Impossible to conquer. Always there.

Today, I love being reminded that if some kind of stress enters the scene of my conciousness, then its only a thought. Really, it’s just a THOUGHT. Made of no substance.

Eckhart Tolle speaks of this universe and our very minds as made up of things…and of space. Thingness and No-Thingness.

I notice that in the content of my thoughts in the last hour are tons of suggestions about things to do, say, or feel. Be sure to leave on time. You have only 15 more minutes to write. I need to finish x,y,z. It’s getting dark. I wonder who is winning the election. I hope my former mother-in-law is OK. I have to a,b,c by the weekend. I wonder why we live in infinite space, like why it is set up this way with earth and the planets and all that. 

I remember recognizing, while watching my thoughts and inquiring, several years ago, that I actually was afraid of being WITHOUT thought. Infinite space. Like a big white-out fog, no people, no objects, no ground, no up or down. I didn’t like the deep ocean either, it always kind of bugged me to watch movies where people were going down with cameras to where it was entirely dark under water. Spooky.

But how amazing to consider who I would be without the thought that I need to know what’s going on around here, that I need some kind of form, that I need to understand, or that “infinity” is creepy.

The collective disease of humanity is that people are so engrossed in what happens, so hypnotized by the world of fluctuating forms, so absorbed in the content of their lives, they have forgotten the essence, that which is beyond content, beyond form, beyond thought. They are so consumed by time that they have forgotten eternity, which is their origin, their home, their destiny. Eternity is the living reality of who you are.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

For me, I realized first how freaky I thought eternity was. It always made me nervous as a child. Too big.

But now that I can question my thoughts, I have discovered that I have no idea that Nothingness is Bad or something to be worried about.

In fact, I think eternity and nothingness and space and emptiness are here, right now, and they don’t hurt, they aren’t terrible. Have you noticed?

“Fear and unhappiness follow from the belief that we are going to feel a way we won’t like feeling in the future.”~Bruce DiMarsico

Who would you be without the thought that you need to be something, do something, think something, understand something….

How would you live if you knew all was well in your ultimate future, and your destiny of eternity that Eckhart mentions is incredible, sweet, precious…and PEACEFUL.

I would be more willing to see beyond whatever is happening here, not to take it so seriously, with such importance and nervousness, not anxious, not threatened, not depressing.

Without knowing what anything is for, or believing all your thoughts, life starts to become really funny, and really calm. You might crack yourself up over what you notice you suffer over.

In fact, I notice that I have never actually, my entire life, had a white-out moment where I was surrounded by nothing, black space, endless dark water, fog, and/or no people and no sound and Nothingness forever. Not even close.

Love, Grace

Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven In-Person Intensive Seattle 12/1 10 am – 6 pm.

Horrible Food Wonderful Food Weekend In-Person Intensive Seattle January 12-13, 2013 Saturday 10 – 5:30, Sunday 1:30-5:30. To register for either weekend workshop, click here!Fill in the workshop fee after you click the Buy button at the bottom of the page. You can use paypal or any credit card (you don’t need a paypal account).

Mark your calendar for Breitenbush, the end of June! We will be looking at all aspects of what we consider to be flaws in the body, and Un-doing our beliefs about them. Stay tuned if you’d like to join me and Susan Grace Beekman from June 26-30, 2013. You can change your internal beliefs about what you think bodies should be like….and change your entire experience of being in yours.

If you like this article, forward it to friends, family or colleagues. To get on the list to receive these directly via email, go to www.workwithgrace.com and enter your email in the sidebar. Your email will not be sold or used for any other purpose than these articles and announcements for Work With Grace. You can Unsubscribe at any time by clicking at the bottom of any newsletter.

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Anger–Must Get Rid Of It

Today in the Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven teleclass, someone asked me how doing The Work has really changed me. The wonderful inquirer who was asking the question also said that she felt like she had done the Work often, and she didn’t feel entirely peaceful.

We wound up doing The Work in class together on the belief “I’ll never get it right”.

I remember once raising my hand at a Byron Katie event with a lot of internal pain, feeling like I had written worksheets and gone through the process of asking the Four Questions of The Work many times on the same situation….

Before I even got to say “what am I doing wrong?” which was my basic question at the core, Katie said to me “How do you know you’re supposed to be angry? You are!”

GASP! Moi? Angry?!!

It suddenly dawned on me that I was trying as hard as I could NOT to be angry. Being angry was WRONG. Unspiritual, negative, selfish, unhealthy. I had a motive with all the work I was doing “on myself” and “on others” all the time. To get Good Enough.

I had even heard that if a person was angry a lot, they could develop cancer and other diseases. Anger could bring on heart-attacks, made steam come out of your ears. It forced people to pick up arms against other people, to hit or slap.

Walking around feeling anger could create muscle tension, stress, aches, sick stomachs, poor digestion, high blood pressure.

But what if the actual ANGER itself is not terrible? It is, after all, a part of reality. It is an energy, it’s doing something….it exists. Who am I to say it shouldn’t?

Perhaps, I realized at the time, I was pushing so hard against being angry…sort of like having anger against my anger…that I wasn’t seeing its use, or benefit. It was getting STUCK.

But wait! I had a huge gigantic expectation that spiritual, good, loving, faithful people are NEVER ANGRY. I wanted to get it right.

Being a kind, gentle, loving person who is not expressing anger is an image many of us inquirers have in our minds of how we would be if we could “get there”. We would be awesome, cool, holy people. Nothing would bug us.

If you can allow yourself to write all the most vicious, nasty, hateful, mean, angry judgments down about someone who when you think about them, you feel rage…..then you have made the first step, identifying your beliefs.

Next, you can get up and do some jumping jacks and fist punches into the air and maybe yell into a pillow. It’s a lot different to feel accepting, or even grateful, for anger. If that seems like a stretch, just allowing it to be here is enough. This is deep patience.

Then you can get back to understanding what is truly going on here, right in this moment of furious emotion. No looking to replace the fury with peace with the snap of a finger…but looking with curiosity. No seeking some different state.

“To seek something, you must have at least some vague idea or image of what it is you are seeking. But ultimate truth is not an idea or an image or something attained anew. So, to seek truth as something objective is a waste of time and energy. Truth can’t be found by seeking it, simply because truth is what you are.”~Adyashanti

So when you are angry, feel it and appreciate it. What is it saying? What does it mean? What are you afraid of? What’s the worst that could happen? If that awful person keeps on doing what they’re doing or saying what they’re saying, what is terrible about it, really?

“The path of developing loving-kindness and compassion is to be patient with the fact that you’re human and that you make these mistakes. That’s more important than getting it right…If you apply patience to the fact that you can’t let go, somehow that helps you to do it. Patience with the fact that you can’t let go helps you to get to the point of letting go gradually–at a very sane and loving speed, at the speed that your basic wisdom allows you to move.~Pema Chodron

Slowing down, I allow myself in any moments of irritation to look, instead of swat it away like a fly.

Welcome, anger. Welcome, fear. Good that you’re here, so you can be seen. Because once a light shines on the troubled spots, and you can wait, stop, love yourself anyway….you may find people don’t bug you as much anymore.

It could be you are getting it right. Bumbling along, twisting to and fro, being human. In fact, I’m sure of it.

Love, Grace

 

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What If This Was Your Only Path To God?

There is an idea that humans have used for centuries to find relief. The idea is that their pain means something, that their suffering is not just random, chaotic and ridiculous, but that it is instead part of their life path. How could it be otherwise? There it is….suffering.

If this experience of life that I am having hurts sometimes, perhaps a lot of the time, it can help on a basic level to consider that what hurts is offering something of value, that I can learn from it.

The tricky part for many is when they quickly also conclude that some other great and powerful entity, that is outside themselves (maybe called God, but it could also be called Reality, the Universe, or Fate) is throwing “hard” situations into their paths so they learn.

That there is a power, we’ll call it God, that is punishing. You suffer, God doesn’t care, let’s it happen, or even creates your dilemma. We’re in a wild, uncertain world where terrible things can happen.

Byron Katie will occasionally use the phrase “if this was your only path to God, would you take it away?”

This question comes from her out of a way of thinking about God that is without fear. This God is love, peace, neutrality, beauty, silence, kindness, openness, truth. Truth. 

We like the idea of a path to this kind of God. So the thought that our pain holds a path to God helps quell the urge to panic, escape, shut down or eliminate this painful path.

We can breathe a little. You mean I might be OK in the end? You mean this is all going somewhere, and it’s good?

The phrase Katie uses helps us enter non-resitance to the situation we find so difficult. Allowing ourselves to stay with it, to look at it. To understand the truth of this situation, to see it from every angle and nuance.

Eckhart Tolle has many incredible things to say about human suffering and pain. He suggests that we have a Little Me that is very self-centered, that always thinks life isn’t good enough. Terrible things can happen.

If we get deeply into this Little Me that is all about, well, Me….then we are constantly on edge, irritated, annoyed, enraged, defensive, nervous or terrified. Always thinking about only the past and what has gone before, or the future and what should be prevented. He calls it being in the Pain Body.

At the core level, the Pain Body is screaming DANGER DANGER DANGER. It is scared out of its wits. Literally. There is no clear thinking, beliefs of imminent danger take over our entire awareness.

But what if this Pain Body experience was actually our path to God? (Whatever God is for you, you can say “Love” if you like, or “Peace”).

Eckhart Tolle himself would not be who he is today without terrible suffering as a grad student. Byron Katie would not be who she was today without years of extreme suffering into her early 40s.

Pema Chodron felt rage at her former partner and realized she couldn’t live with that kind of anger, and that set her on a path that changed her entire life. Joan Tollifson was a drug addict living on the street, near death, became sober, and grew into a beautiful spiritual teacher.

Then there are so many others who felt unrest, sadness, unhappiness, never-ending seeking, like THIS was not enough….ever….and now they are different.

A common thread is allowing everything, especially their pain, to be the way it is. Not attacking it, running from it, pretending it’s not there, doing Positive Thinking and saying affirmations. Not fighting.

This is it. Here’s the path. It’s what you are on, it’s what you’ve been living. Right in this moment, if you leave everything the way it is and drop any part of you that wants it to change….see what that feels like.

What if everything is supposed to be exactly the way it is right now, and everything has led you to this moment. Now.

“Only a huge ego could say that you’re supposed to be doing something that you’re not doing.” ~Byron Katie

Feel the relief of not needing to do anything—without a thought that you should do anything, say anything, think anything, feel anything different than THIS.

Even if the Pain Body or Bad Suffering seems to be here, Bad News, Sadness, Anger…see if you can only stop needing to do something about them. No trying to get to a peaceful state, no working on yourself. No getting over to a different Path.

Nothing wrong with THIS.

“When we realize who we are, we no longer have this endless confusion, this eternal battle with ourselves. Therefore we tend to not struggle with others or the world.”~ Adyashanti

Love, Grace