Tag: relationships

Posted on

I’ve Done Enough Work On Her Already!

When people start becoming interested in questioning their thinking they often come to see me, or enroll in a teleclass, and say “I don’t really know what I’m thinking but I feel bad” or “I have so many judgmental thoughts, I don’t know where to begin!”

“I could do The Work for hours, I have so many thoughts…..I’ll need to do The Work DAILY…for 100 years!”

“I feel terrible, I experience stress all the time, I can hardly get relief!”

Have you ever noticed, though, how if you hit a core, underlying way of seeing someone in your world who looks troubling, and you shift some small part of it, bring some light to it, connect with another person about it, understand it differently…then other people in your world also start looking better?

Who has brought enormous judgments up in your life? Who has represented a source of stress, anxiety, anger, or fear? If they had only been different….you wouldn’t have had such a hard time. You would be in a different place now.

That person is the one to do The Work on.

Some people will exclaim “BUT! I’ve done so much therapy work on my father! My mother! My sibling! My spouse!” They don’t want to go there again, or focus even more on these key people in their lives.

Byron Katie oftens says that The Work is not therapy. It is a modality of self-inquiry, a simple but profound process of looking at how YOU are actually looking at people.

Those difficult people may have done very harmful things, said very painful things, acted in ways that were extremely damaging, it appears. Everyone may agree with you when they hear your story of how these people behaved and how hard it was.

It is often incredibly powerful to share your perspective, to see what this story is that you are telling to others, and to yourself.

But the most powerful thing is to actually feel an internal change about how YOU experience that person. Without them changing at all.

Can I be happy with them, as they are, without condemning them or defending against them? Can I stop with the internal war?

Can I remember that person, can I be in their presence, can I allow them to be the way they are, doing what they do, and stay connected to my own happiness and joy?

For me, that is the true sign that all is well with me. I see that person, place, situation, memory, event….and I discover that it is still a friendly universe, with them in it. I feel love, I feel surrender, trust, openness, peace.

Doing The Work cuts through the details to the very core underlying beliefs I have about THAT DIFFICULT PERSON and moves me into a broader, more expanded vision of what I see, how I see.

Then the rest of the world starts looking better, amazingly. The rest of the world starts looking like it does when you fall in love and every moment is exciting, full of wonder, anticipation, and joy.

Only you aren’t believing this feeling comes from outside of you, from another human being. It’s coming from inside of you and the way you see.

When I go all the way back to the most troubling person (or people) in my world, and I question what I’m thinking about them, what I believe I learned from them, how I think they affected me and hurt me….

The most amazing thing happens. Freedom.

If we felt good already, if we felt happy, joyful, awake and free…we wouldn’t be drawn to do The Work in the first place.

Who in your life, when you think of them, brings up sadness in you, or anger, or nervousness, worry, disappointment?

Go there. Look again. Write down your judgments of that person. Keep them simple. Be thorough. Be petty, mean, obnoxious. Do not edit yourself. Be non-politically correct, rude, controlling, bitchy, needy, desperate, embarrassing.

These thoughts can now be the gold of your awakening. Really.

Don’t sigh and think “I already did this, I already have looked…” It is OK to look again since the judgments still exist. Since they are there, they are waiting and available to be seen, with new eyes.

This may be the last time you ever see this way again, if you dive into self-inquiry in a truly honest way by answering the Four Questions. Milk it for all its worth.

“The apparent craziness of the world, like everything else, is a gift that we can use to set our minds free. Any stressful thought that you have about the planet, for example, shows you where you are stuck, where your energy is being exhausted in not fully meeting life as it is, without conditions…Until you can love what is—everything, including the apparent violence and craziness—you’re separate from the world, and you’ll see it as dangerous and frightening. I invite everyone to put these fearful thoughts on paper, question them, and set themselves free.”~Byron Katie

If you’d like help with this process and to start from right where you are…there is one space left in the Seattle One Day workshop next Saturday. Write grace@workwithgrace.com if you’re the one. If your only reason not to come is financial, please ask about scholarship help.

So Good To See The Value of The Work
I wanted to tell you how much I appreciated your class.  It was so good to learn Inquiry on a deeper level and to see the value, first hand, of doing The Work with others (as opposed to doing it solo.)  Thank  you so much for making it possible for me and for being such a clear, living example of “being the Work”.~ Becky, Class participant

Love, Grace

Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven In-Person Intensive Seattle 12/1 10 am – 6 pm.

Posted on

No More Leaving

Have you ever wondered why you like someone?

There are often qualities we are conditioned to understand, enjoy, “get”, or relate to easily and well. When someone comes along with just the right amount of the formula that we can relate to, we like them. It may even feel so familiar, like you’ve come home, that you think “OMG! You’re the one I’ve been waiting for! This is FANTASTIC!”

And it’s REALLY REALLY fascinating and wonderful to ask yourself; why? Why this person? Why now? Why am I so drawn? Why do I like them sooooooo much?

What is going on here?

Anthony De Mello writes in his sweet book Awareness “If you’re attached to appreciation and praise, you’re going to view people in terms of their threat to your attachment or their fostering of your attachment.”

I remember realizing that with some people, the actual reason I liked them, as Tony De Mello also discovered, is that they do the behavior or say the words that show they are enjoying themselves in my company, they are feeling good, I am feeling good. We are appreciating each other.

I like them because they like me. They like me because I like them. It’s like we recognize each other as people who can give and receive appreciation, love, approval, praise in a way that is comfortable, familiar.

It’s like there’s a measurement device faster than the speed of thought that is a very sensitive sensor, looking at all these energies or personality traits and behaviors. All of it getting measured against the comfort zone. My comfort zone.

It’s like getting into a mode where we’re tasting the personalities of porridge, like Goldilocks, and we know immediately when it’s JUST RIGHT.

Now, there is absolutely nothing wrong with the beauty of connecting, making intimate contact with someone (or many), being real, honest, joyful….being around someone who inspires you!

But this attachment sensor is powerful. It’s even become a theory in the psychological field, that people are driven by their conditioning around attachment and connection.

So what happens when you really like someone, you’ve had a wonderful feeling with them, deep intimate connection….and then they drift away, or tell you it’s not working for them? They say NO. They’re too busy, they don’t have the time, their life circumstance changed and they aren’t available anymore. They don’t return your calls.

Rats.

You may get to find out what you’ve been attached to.

They don’t like me after all, I did something wrong, I offended them. What did I say, do or think that distressed them? I have to figure it out. I am not important, I am not lovable, I am not worth it to them, I am dismiss-able, I am worthy of being ignored. This is terrible, this is a problem. Agony, worry, fear, hand-wringing, busy mind.

The scale of this pain can be at a level of 100, like when your life partner of 20 years leaves….or it can be a 10 like when a co-worker you used to have a coffee break with every day says they don’t have time for that anymore.

“The truth is everything will be OK as soon as you are OK with everything. And that’s the only time everything will be OK.”~ Michael Singer

I start with the most simple of core stressful thoughts in this situation, where I am here with myself, and that person I have so enjoyed seems to be gone.

I need to talk with them, I need to be with them NOW….Is that true? Am I OK right here in this moment, without their presence? Can I connect with others, if I want to talk or listen?

This one human being out of billions on the planet is the ONLY ONE that will resolve this feeling of detachment. Like a baby whose mother dies. Only that human being, that baby’s mother returning, will bring genuine happiness back.

IS THAT ABSOLUTELY TRUE?

Could it be that if someone is gone, if they break up with me, if they move away, perhaps even if they die, that I can still be happy? Could I get what I need and want from someone else?

“How do we love ourselves? One way is by not seeking approval outside ourselves–that’s my experience. By not seeking approval outside myself, I come to see that I already have it. I don’t want approval; I want people to think the way they think. If I seek your approval, it’s not comfortable.”~Byron Katie

I notice that when I question my thoughts about that person and their level of contact with me (or lack of it) that I have no idea really what it means. I can’t know at all it means they don’t like me, care about me, or that I am worthy of being left.

And there are so so many other human beings in the universe…and more places in this world than anyone could ever explore. So many possibilities!

There is intimacy right here in this moment. Appreciation for this present moment.

I once saw a motivational speaker called Bob Proctor on film talking about how much he enjoyed his own company. He was so enthusiastic. So full of playful happiness! He exclaimed “I just LOVE myself! I am so much fun to be around!” and then he kissed his own hand with such childlike joy, it made me laugh out loud.

That is what it is like without the thought that I need that person to come back, to say they like me, to say I didn’t do anything wrong, to comfort me, to call me.

Without the thoughts that anyone should be nearer than they are, without feeling attached or detached or concerned or anxious or fearful…I appreciate myself. I find what is lovely, precious and comforting, right here, right now.

At some point

Your relationship With God

Will become like this:

Next time you meet Him in the forest

Or on a crowded street

There won’t be anymore “Leaving”.

That is,

God will climb into Your pocket.

You will simply just take
Yourself

Along!

~Hafiz

You are beautiful.

Love, Grace

P.S. Only a few spots left to do The Work for a day in Seattle. Come join us in this amazing process of identifying your painful thinking, and questioning it! Write grace@workwithgrace.com to reserve your spot.

Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven In-Person Intensive Seattle 12/1 10 am – 6 pm.

Horrible Food Wonderful Food Weekend In-Person Intensive Seattle January 12-13, 2013 Saturday 10 – 5:30, Sunday 1:30-5:30. To register for either weekend workshop, click here!Fill in the workshop fee after you click the Buy button at the bottom of the page. You can use paypal or any credit card (you don’t need a paypal account).

Mark your calendar for Breitenbush, the end of June! We will be looking at all aspects of what we consider to be flaws in the body, and Un-doing our beliefs about them. Stay tuned if you’d like to join me and Susan Grace Beekman from June 26-30, 2013. You can change your internal beliefs about what you think bodies should be like….and change your entire experience of being in yours.

If you like this article, forward it to friends, family or colleagues. To get on the list to receive these directly via email, go to www.workwithgrace.com and enter your email in the sidebar. Your email will not be sold or used for any other purpose than these articles and announcements for Work With Grace. You can Unsubscribe at any time by clicking at the bottom of any newsletter.

Posted on

When You Can’t Stand Losing

Winning and Losing. People get soooo excited about these things. You may have noticed.

They scream and yell, paint their faces, don unusual clothing, carry weapons, train their bodies for hours, weeks, and years, lie, hide, cheat, defend, gather, get, hoard, sell, buy, strut, disappear….all in the effort to meet their future goal: winning or losing.

It seems like people usually like to “win”. But the very definition of the word, and its origin in English, means to toil, struggle, strive or fight. To succeed by struggling. There has to be a contest! There has to be some kind of opponent!

Otherwise….yawn.

Then there is losing. No one wants to be the loser on first glance.

Given a second look, sometimes there are big advantages. In the dictionary, lose means to perish or separate, cut apart, divide, untie, to part with accidentally or without meaning or trying to.

When we say we lost or we won something, the feeling that follows is really the thing that indicates what we believe about this loss or win.

Yay! I won! Boo! I lost!

When I began to do The Work, one wonderful thing I realized that the feelings I had about everything were such excellent clues, pointing to where I believed something was “good” or “bad”.

Today I lost my cell phone. BOOOOOO!

As I looked in all the usual places I started banging around the house. I KNOW IT’S HERE. How can it have disappeared? It was just in my hand 15 minutes ago! For cryin’ out loud!!

Hmmm, do we have a little frustration entering the scene?

The first utterance about Truth
Is the first step
Down the path of deceit.
~ Ram Tzu in No Way

Here is something misplaced, an object that seems like it is usually HERE, and now it’s NOT. So simple, so non-emergency, really not that important…and yet a little fire has come into the picture.

Even on this small scale, the thought is still present “the thing I am thinking about should be here, it is not, and I don’t like it.”

True? YES! What do you mean “is it true?!” Of course it is true!

That is exactly how I was behaving. Within maybe 10 seconds of not seeing the phone anywhere, in any of the usual places.

It is true and it sucks. It is true and this is NOT good. This is NOT convenient. This is NOT smooth. This is NOT peaceful. I demand the phone show up immediately!!

Full Stop. Um. Could this be a little stressy moment?

I notice today that I never find the phone (yet). But with self-inquiry…the reaction dissolves itself practically moments after it was arising. OK OK, an HOUR after it was arising!

Do I actually need the phone? Do I need to find those photos? Can I live without that file, those papers, my wallet, that dish, my water bottle, that earring?

How about not just living without it…but living joyfully without it. Everything still convenient, smooth, good, peaceful. What if this is funny…because something seems funny about all this now.

What could be the good news about losing my phone?

Today, I had two full hours in between clients where instead of making any return calls or texting or listening to messages or checking emails….I had a huge personal planning session for my upcoming year.

I went to a little cafe with my laptop that I haven’t been to in ages, to sit. Without a phone.

I took final notes on a new teleclass I’m ALMOST about to offer (I know some of you have been waiting) on Pain, Sickness and Death. I wrote for 30 minutes on my book I’m writing on recovering from an eating disorder. I wrote down six unfinished things that I know will be possible and fun to complete this week.

I find that each time I see the goodness, the advantage, and the peace in things going the way they do…I notice I’m….happy. Kind of simple.

Who am I without the thought that I need to feel a certain way about losing ANYTHING?

Without losing being so harsh…winning also is more mysterious. Who knows if it’s really good today. Maybe winning, whatever it is, is more normal and not so hyped up or over-the-top or exhilarating as its cracked up to be.

You may have to think for a minute to find examples of why the way it’s going is OK. You may have to be open to finding out later, that these examples will come to you at a future time.

There may be some other reason I don’t even know yet, that I’m not aware of, that what I’ve lost is good.

Not just a phone….but a marriage, my childhood, my big house, a pregnancy, my bank account, a client, part of my leg, old photos.

“Not wanting to change what is, is a state of mind that is literally unimaginable. There’s no sacrifice in it, no deprivation–quite the opposite, in fact. It means to gain everything, the everything that is already yours, and the effect is peace. People who use The Work at home as a practice tell me that they find their own freedom.”~Byron Katie

Any tiny moment where I think I have deprivation, loss….could it be that there is something gained, even as that thing is disappearing?

Could the universe be friendly?

Love, Grace

Posted on

Crazy Like Romeo And Juliet

Last night I saw Romeo and Juliet at the local high school theater performance in my town.

I know this play really well. I actually played Juliet in college on stage, so at one time I practically knew the whole play by heart.

And in my life, I have known that whole play by heart.

As I teared up during the finale, when everyone is dead and “all are punished” I also smiled on the inside. These people were crazy! Mega-attached, dramatic, killing themselves with knives, killing other people with swords, weeping and howling and depressive, or manic, or enraged.

In case you don’t remember, Romeo is wildly in love with someone else named Roslyn at the beginning of the play…then he switches in one night to Juliet.

He also actively participates in killing two people, and then of course himself. And Juliet, as we know, also kills herself.

Good lord! No one seemed to know about questioning their thinking….although Shakespeare does appear to have knowledge of this himself. His poetry, prose and plays are filled with awareness of what life could be like beyond this “believing” mind.

“There is nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so.”~William Shakespeare 

Now, after being able to ask myself if what I am thinking is actually true or not, in my own opinion and no one else’s opinion, I find the joy of not really knowing, and being aware that some of what I thought was really, seriously true…is not.

So there I was in the past *desperate* for HIM to love me, want me, pay attention to me, talk to me, be with me, call me, write me, email me, stop by, adore me, please me.

We don’t like admitting these kinds of things.

Ha! I say with a chuckle, that was soooooo long ago, when I was a teenager! I’m not like that anymore.

[A very loud buzzer sound just went off]

Oops! Oh, now that I think about it, I had a longing for HIM to come find me as I sat looking out at the beach on vacation LAST WEEK (my husband).

I may not have been all a flutter in quite the same manner as Juliet, or ready to stab myself with a dagger, but these tiny moments are the same.

I need him to listen to me, I want her to be kinder to me, I need him to understand me, I want her to like me, he should talk with me, she should appreciate me, he should contact me, she should call me, he should show up. 

That voice or feeling inside appears, it wants something to come from OVER THERE towards ME.

Being here in myself feels somehow not quite interesting enough, even lonely, empty, solitary, purposeless, lost, boring, meaningless.

These sensations or thoughts can happen with our children, friends, parents, bosses or lovers.

Or God, the Universe, Source, Reality. It isn’t close enough, it should be closer, I should feel it right here with me all the time, there is separation, I don’t get this, I need something more…

So what if this sense, thought, or feeling that something is ABSENT is questioned?

What if nothing is absent, missing, or too far away?

Can you imagine who Romeo and Juliet and the whole entire rest of the cast would BE without the thought that something was tragically missing?

Without the thought, if someone is busy, and focused on NOT ME I would remember that I’ve been spared (one of Katie’s little sayings I love).

I’d have an open, excited, curious, smiling feeling on the inside of my whole body.

Looking out at the ocean, last week, without the thought that anyone else should be here looking at the ocean with me, I stare with joy and amazement at the grand sight. Nothing to do, nothing to say, no one else here, just me and the Big Mystery.

Without the thought….sitting, looking, everything slower.

I love that Shakespeare wrote Romeo and Juliet. He shows so well what happens when we’re believing with a vengeance: fearful, secretive, sneaky, sleepless, worried, banished, cautious, defiant, fighting a war, crazed, terrified.

Who would you be without the thought that you actually need anyone? You might think that you’d be cold, and no one would ever be around, and you’d have no friends, or your children would never call you up.

Find out!

“You are the one you’ve been waiting for”~Byron Katie

And by the way…if you have some sticky little thoughts that sound like needy ones, come on over to do The Work on Dec. 1st. It’s gonna be good! To register click HERE.

Much love, Grace

Posted on

Your Mother Won’t Change For You To Be Happy

One of the most important people anyone can do the Work on, it seems, is Mother. Whether our mother was around a lot when we were young, or not, the thoughts about our experience of our own mothers are extensive, repetitive, and often NOT original.

You may notice that even just considering your mother, you feel deflated, bored, or irritated.“Not that topic again, I’ve worked on her enough…I’ve handled that relationship…too late now.”

Perhaps it’s true that you’ve already considered a great deal around your mother, and softened or accepted her presence in your life, and the fact that it’s over.

But whatever is unresolved may also come bite you in the butt, to put it mildly.

Like when I agreed to participate in a project in my community to assist a certain population in need and bring my talents at helping people in addictive cycles to overcome them. This was a few years ago.

Someone else also participating in the project, it turned out, DROVE ME NUTS. She reminded me of my mother. My childhood mother, the mother of my projections (who no longer actually exists). This is not the way I currently experience my actual living mother, but this woman triggered me like no one else had in a long time.

She made me want to SCREAM.

  • she hovers over me like a helicopter
  • she should stop looking at me, focusing on me
  • she should stop being so happy, nicey-nice, and fake Martha Stewart
  • she should stop handing out cards, presents and trinkets to everyone all the time (gag)
  • she should stop peppering me with personal questions
  • she is insecure! fishing for compliments!
  • she is too sensitive
  • she shouldn’t talk about me behind my back
  • SHE SHOULD STOP COMPLAINING

Sometimes when physically approaching a meeting with all the project leaders, I would feel like my face would look like I smelled something bad. And I wasn’t even in the same room with her yet.

Now that is some reaction! Hmmmm, could something interesting be going on, I wonder?

I knew it was time to take out the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet. And answer every single question, very slowly, very carefully.

First of all, what was actually upsetting me? (See list above to begin with). Why should someone else, behaving in just that way, be so incredibly irritating? What was frightening me? I knew I only got riled up like this when I was scared.

I found I was very frightened of her judgments. I heard her complaints and comments about other people and it made me nervous. I was on alert. I got quiet around her. I felt like she was watching my every move with hyper-critical attention. I could be condemned, advised, ordered, or pushed at any second. I could make a mistake.

Gosh. Who did that sound like, something was so familiar. OH! That would be me. Just part of me, mind you, that VOICE. The mean one.

Next, what did I really WANT from this woman? What did I NEED from her in order to be happy? This is key to the process. What do I really think I want or need from that person TO BE HAPPY?

I needed to be able to trust her. To know she cared about me. I wanted her to like me, to be kind, to stop saying cruel things or mean things about other people (which only meant she could say them about me). I wanted her to stop calling other various people “bad” people or “evil” people. She was saying disparaging things about the people we were trying to help.

The thing is….I clammed up, shut down, started judging her like crazy. It was like a huge alarm was going off with blinking red lights in an office building, huge, crushing, ear-splitting sounds.

But the I did The Work. She should tell me directly what she is concerned or upset about. She should stop complaining. She should tell the truth. Turned around: I should tell her directly what I am concerned or upset about. I should stop complaining about her. I should tell the truth.

With a beating heart and red face and adrenaline coursing through my veins, I asked her if I could talk with her privately one day after a meeting. You would think someone just announced that a war had broken out and we all needed to get to safety ASAP.

I told her how I felt, and I apologized for my part if I had bothered her.

She looked at me with suspicion. She said something like “well, we’ll see”. She appeared disapproving. There was a long uncomfortable silence.

That was when I learned that there can be no expectation of outcome when questioning deeply help beliefs.

She should now be kind and open, since I’ve spilled my guts? No. She should be cool now and chill out? No.

This work is for the love of Truth. And for discovering that NO ONE HAS TO CHANGE ANYTHING in order for YOU to be happy.

Even your mother.

Love, Grace

Posted on

You Can’t Help Them

The idea that a human can be “saved” is an ancient and deep story with highs and lows, peaks and valleys, tragedy or joy. We all hope the outcome is good.

There someone is at the bottom of their luck. They are on the street. They have lost the kingdom. Their family has been destroyed. They are bankrupt. Destitute, hopeless, taking their last breath, trapped. They are about to jump off the cliff.

Superman to the rescue! Batman, Spider Man, Wonder Woman, Mom, Dad, Brother, Sister, Mental Health Counselor, priest, ambulance driver, fireman, guru, the angel Gabriel, Martin Luther King, Beatrice (for those that know Dante’s story).

What a great happy ending when the Rescuer makes contact with the One Needing To Be Rescued. The crowd cheers!

Not so much fun when you’re in the middle of the dance I like to call Rescue Job. For some of us, it’s a sort of auto-pilot reaction founded on VERY unquestioned beliefs. I speak from personal experience:

  • that person needs my help
  • they will die without me (I am very important)
  • they are not doing well in some area of their life (money, romance, addiction) and I could help them do better (I know best)
  • if they would only love themselves (I can love them and they will see)
  • they need my love (so I will constantly give it to them)
  • I will be a superhero/good/right/important if I make a difference in their life

The problem is, in this Rescue Job story, that one person is the Savior and Hero and one person is the Lost and Incapable. I think quite a few people have written books on this, for example “Co-Dependent No More”.

Parents take this approach to children (and the reverse happens, too), siblings towards each other, friends to friends, and in romance….oh boy, people really get twisted up in the Rescue Job story.

Byron Katie has an amazing book entitled “I Need Your Love–Is That True?” but it could include a turnaround that for me, is just as important to question: “You Need My Love–Is That True?”  

Thank goodness gracious it’s not true! I see the arrogance, the desire I have had for being The One to change the course of someone’s life for the better. Ewwww.

But I didn’t always see it this way. In fact, I still relapse into this dynamic. I must be a great and amazing mother! I must be a fabulous and forgiving daughter! I must be a steady and reliable friend! I must be an accepting and caring counselor! I NEED TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE!

Really?

I hear Katie’s voice saying “Who needs God, when we have your opinion?”  That person in your life who appears to be in need, the one who is using drugs, or desperate, or depressed…that person who hates themselves or can’t seem to succeed or is choosing a way that you would not choose.  Who would you be without the thought that you need to help them? Especially when you’ve already tried. Maybe eight times.

This is not about abandoning other humans, or dismissing your children, or backing away when someone actually asks you for help. It’s about letting the universe assist, opening to the idea that it is friendly. Opening to the mysterious and the unknown.

Nowadays, if I notice that I am having the thought that someone needs my love, then I remember the pain of this burden.  I remember that I am not a superhero, or Mother Teresa. I am an ordinary, mediocre, regular human. Nothing more, nothing less.

“Rushing into action, you fail. Trying to grasp things, you lose them. Forcing a project to completion, you ruin what was almost ripe. Therefore the Master takes action by letting things take their course. He remains as calm at the end as at the beginning. He has nothing, thus he has nothing to lose. What he desires is non-desire; what he learns is to unlearn. He simply reminds people of who they have always been. He cares about nothing but the Tao. Thus he can care for all things.”~ Tao Te Ching #64 

I know from personal experience that some of the greatest obsessive/addictive you-can’t-make-it-on-your-own moments I’ve had towards others have been awful, painful, and like being in jail. For both of us.

Today I practice caring about nothing but the Tao. I am Being, without knowing what is best for anyone. Even the person lying on the street.

It does not mean I don’t take action….it doesn’t mean this at all, I have found. But there is no fear, no “hope”, no anxious trying, no waiting, no anger, no frustration.  And I am 100% in my own business. Not anyone else’s. My only job to be my own Hero.

“We’re not on our journey to save the world but to save ourselves. But in doing that you save the world.”~Joseph Campbell

Love, Grace

Mark your calendar for Breitenbush, the end of June! We will be looking at all aspects of what we consider to be flaws in the body, and Un-doing our beliefs about them. Stay tuned if you’d like to join me and Susan Grace Beekman from June 26-30, 2013. You can change your internal beliefs about what you think bodies should be like….and change your entire experience of being in yours.

Posted on

All You Have To Do Is Sit There And Watch

Last Friday the very first class of Our Wonderful Sexuality. A fantastic group, and one more person could come on board before the second class (and listen to the recording of our first one, to catch up). After that, it’s closed.

Sexuality is a very big, intense and emotional topic for many. It sure used to be for me.

I have written down my thoughts on every kind of repulsive person or experience I’ve ever learned about, heard of, or been involved in myself that related in any way to sexual expression.

It’s amazing the way the mind will dictate what it thinks is True when it comes to romantic love:

  • I need her love
  • I want his love
  • They are so happy together, they must have a wonderful sexual relationship
  • That couple is unhappy, non-sexual….it’s sad
  • She hasn’t had a good sexual relationship with anyone in “x” years, how horrible!
  • He is sexual with a new person every week, how disgusting!
  • People who are in committed relationships should never flirt with or be attracted to anyone else
  • Feeling sexual feelings is dangerous unless both people are available for a relationship

Epic stories, novels, movies, the great myths of human history often include one person’s passion for another….and the consequences of having that passion.

Destruction! Intrigue! Pain! Agony! Betrayal! Jealousy! Abandonment!

In the name of love and romance, people have murdered, gone crazy, killed themselves, have unplanned children, vanished without a trace, become depressed for years.

Shakespeare is one of the great writers of such human stories, and the Greeks. Gods, goddesses, humans, royalty….the greatest leaders changing the course of history because of lust, passion, envy.

No wonder, with such evidence of pain resulting from this feeling of sexuality inside us, we’re suspicious of the very feelings of being attracted to anyone or anything.

But as Katie once said to me directly “How do you know you’re supposed to be feeling what you’re feeling? You are!” Well, she was actually referring to my anger. Which I was judging as HORRIBLE and like I needed to get rid of it ASAP.

But we feel the same about our sexual feelings: I must get rid of this. In fact, for many humans, BIG FEELINGS OF ANY KIND are suspect. Great grief, great rage, great terror often have the accompanying thought “this feeling must stop”.

The mind begins to analyze it and problem solve. HOW do I get rid of this? I can distract myself, I can fix myself, I can suppress this. And of course, one way we imagine getting rid of a big powerful feeling is to actually satisfy it…express it.

Break something if you’re mad, hit something, jump up an down! Shriek and cry, wail, scream if you’re full of grief. Run for your life, hide, get away from the source of fear if you’re terrified. And if you really WANT something, then get it, ingest it, consume it, smoke it, drink it, or engage in sexual contact…like if you’re hungry, you then look for food to eat.

If any feeling is acceptable to feel without DOING something, however, then a different route can be taken. I can be curious, open, and allow it to be here.

There is nothing so amazing to me as when I learned that as I quit smoking….the desire to smoke actually dissolved. The craving would come, but not following it or taking it seriously (and yet also not crushing it down) I could ask myself what else was going on?

And what about the unbelievably strong desire to binge-eat, that would feel like it was taking over my whole psyche and personality like being possessed or something? Could I drop the thought that I would not be satisfied until I ate something?

What was going on in those moments of big gigantic feelings, if I didn’t judge them so harshly? What was I REALLY worried about, afraid of, sad about, longing for?

Could I be sure that food or tobacco or being sexual would satisfy me….and resolve the Big Feeling?

No. In fact….based on experience it appeared that the things I obsessed over most and thought I wanted were VERY temporary. Moving towards them worked for just a short while. Then I was back at the big feeling again, and the cycle would start over.

This morning I worked with a client who was so sad because her primary love relationship was over, broken up, ended. Her partner had wanted to date other women, and she didn’t want him to.  Not a match, and yet she had very painful feelings about it being OVER.

As she did The Work she began to find examples of how what was happening right now, in the present (without a partner) was a wonderful, advantageous thing.

This is a most simple but profound discovery, to discover the connection, love, aliveness, passion, joy, peace, ecstasy right here, right now, in this moment.

Or to even ask oneself if this could be possible….ecstasy here, now, whether someone is here or not here in our presence. Could it?

Or, OK OK Jeez…if it doesn’t feel possible that ecstasy could be present right here, now, then what about just being able to STAND this big feeling without DOING something immediately? I mean, is this an emergency? Do you really need to smoke or eat or drink or watch porn or call that person in order to be able to stand this moment and satisfy this urge?

Eckhart Tolle writes about urges and applying awareness to anything obsessive. He says to say “yes” always to what you feel. This means, I have the feeling, and I don’t chop it into bits, I don’t set fire to it, I don’t act on it instantly, I don’t criticize myself for having it. It means I genuinely am not opposed or against myself having this feeling in this moment.

“When we maintain awareness, whether we know it or not, healing is taking place…a door that has been shut begins to open…As the door opens, we see that the present is absolute and that, in a sense, the whole universe begins right now, in each second. And the healing of life is in that second of simple awareness…Healing is always just being here, with a simple mind.” ~ Charlotte Joko Beck

Truly amazing to imagine—just being here, with awareness, with a simple mind, brings healing.

Questioning all the thoughts about romantic love, desire, feelings…all feelings…I arrive at a place of mystery and wonder.

I noticed as I questioned, and questioned again, every belief I ever had that produced stress, every “rule”, that I became incredibly free to be myself.  Being myself with total freedom happens to look like being married for me. But I could only have arrived here if NOT being married was just as wonderful.

Every state worth living in, being in, every moment OK, every feeling acceptable.

With awareness and just sitting here, watching Big Feelings, I see in my life there is much less theatrical drama that could be retold and acted on stages or in the movie theaters….and yet still….truly….there has been a change in the course of history. A quieter one.

Love, Grace

To comment on this article, click here  and scroll down to the comments section.

 

If you like this article, forward it to friends, family or colleagues. To get on the list to receive these directly via email, go to www.workwithgrace.com and enter your email in the sidebar. Your email will not be sold or used for any other purpose than these articles and announcements for Work With Grace. You can Unsubscribe at any time by clicking at the bottom of any newsletter.

 

Click here  to register for any fall class to learn how to do The Work of Byron Katie on these powerful topics in your life.

 

Our Wonderful Sexuality – Fridays 10 – 11:30 am Oct. 12 – Dec. 13 (no class 10/26 OR 11/2)

Posted on

Are You Sure You Want That?

Have you ever noticed that anticipation can be very exciting and fun…..or very nauseating and difficult? The exciting kind reminds me of when child has waited for a birthday party for weeks and now is the day!

Yippee! Hands clapping! Can’t wait! I’m right on the edge of happiness, relief, fun, celebration, satisfaction!

Baited breath! I’m about to get what I REALLY WANT!

I remember starting to date a man at one time….well, OK, this happened with several (I confess!) and noticing that I was waiting for the next time I would see him, or hear from him, or receive a phone call from him.

I wonder if he’ll call today, I wonder if he’s thinking of me like I am thinking of him, I wonder if we’ll get together this weekend, I wonder if this will continue for awhile, I wonder if he’s a good match for me overall, I wonder wonder wonder.

There was a moment when I needed to go to the bathroom and I turned back as I left my bedroom to get my cell phone, to take it with me to the bathroom! What if he called while I stepped away for 5 minutes! OMG!

I couldn’t miss that call! I wanted that call! I’m about to get what I want, I hope!!

As I looked at the bathroom floor where I put my cell phone while there, it dawned on me that this moment, here now, I was not relaxed, happy, enjoying my own company. I was filled with the thought “I NEED HIM TO CALL ME”.

This was not the way I wanted to live my life, not the way I wanted to live this moment.

I saw myself and how attached I was to hope for this thing happening. What the heck was I doing?

When this moment, the one right here now, is less than perfect, anticipation has a little more “weight” to it. Pun intended.

The anticipation has a “wait” to it that is full of feeling: hope, anxiety, frustration, intensity, demand.

And when THIS moment is VERY imperfect. Like excruciating, uncomfortable, disappointing, boring or harsh….then the anticipation might be more desperate.

Everyone has experienced having to wait for something and having the thought “I can’t wait! I hate this!” Waiting for this bad feeling to be eliminated, waiting for relief, waiting for a once-in-a-lifetime event, waiting for end of the work day, waiting for the bottle of alcohol.

Waiting for whatever you think will take you out of Now, that will be better than Now.

It’s going to be better later, once I have the information, glass of wine, free time, sex, happy feelings, extra cash, new house, different job, phone call.

I knew I needed to do The Work, in that moment of awareness. I needed to question the thought “I need him to call me.”

Right here, right now, under the influence of Waiting, something within us is absent.

Eckhart Tolle and many other spiritual teachers talk about our peace being in this present moment. Now. So simple, but when thinking the thought of the future…there is NO peace in this present moment.

So what is happening when Now is full of images of me almost getting what I want, when Now is not as good as it will be later?

First, I notice that this Now (that is not as good as it will be) feels small. I’m not aware of everything that is happening here. It’s hard to pay attention to this moment, actually, I’m very distracted about the future possibilities.

I find one of my favorite questions is “what is making me feel this way?”

It can be hard to find out. A wonderful doorway in to reaching this awareness is to identify what we’re thinking, believing or repeating to ourselves over and over.

HOLY COW we can be thinking volumes of stressful thoughts, beliefs, ideas. How can we possibly narrow it all down?

By slowing down, sifting and and sorting. Trusting that you will know. Identifying the most obvious stressful belief…the one on top.

This is one of my favorite parts of the one-to-one counseling relationship, by the way, when a therapeutic relationship can be so incredibly useful. A counselor or therapist can help ask the most effective questions, can help capture them, make them known.

Those years ago, when I took the phone into the bathroom with me and saw myself suddenly and the discomfort of that moment, the next thing I did was go to my couch with a pen and paper.

I wrote down “I need him to call me”.

I asked myself if it was true. Really? Do I really need that? No, chuckle…of course not! I’m fine! Breathing, alive.

Do I need him to call me for my emotional happiness? Is that what I need? Absolutely not true. Wow.

How I react when I think I need or want something that is NOT happening right now is not very peaceful, that’s for sure.

Without the thought that I need this thing, that I want it (you fill in the blank) then what would your experience be instead? What do you notice?

Without the thought that I want something or need something to be happy (or happier) then his moment is bigger, richer, fuller. I see much more right here. I am so much more aware. I hear sounds, see colors, notice the furniture in the room. I feel my own body, I am more alive.

I turn the thought around “I do not need him to call me”. I sit with that concept and find examples of how this is true.

Could it be true that you do not need, or even want, what you thought you wanted? Is it possible that what you want is present here, now? Or that it’s fine if the things you think you want are NOT here right now?

What did I want, for example, back in that moment so long ago? Connection, attention, love, laughter, flirtation, fun, happiness, adventure.

Do I have to have these things RIGHT NOW in order to have a good life?

No. In fact, things go up and down, life is not static. It flows. In and out, life and death, here and gone, back and forth.

Not always trying to get to the “good” parts or “high” parts or away from the “bad” parts of the journey is such a relief. So much less pressure, no pushing or pulling. Less waiting. Maybe no waiting at all. Here, now.

“Hoping for something in the future disconnects you from who you really are. The orientation of expectation or of having a goal to accomplish does the same thing. For example, you may be thinking that one of these days, you are going to be enlightened, so you are working at it now. Light would never think that way; it doesn’t posit an end state in which everything is going to be wonderful, and it doesn’t say that we have to practice now in order to get to that goal. For light, that is completely nonsensical; there is just now. Now is just wonderful the way it is, and now is all that we have.”~A. H. Almaas in The Unfolding Now

After that day noticing my phone in the bathroom with me…I stopped taking my phone everywhere. I discovered that what I really wanted was to be here, with me, in my own company, not waiting.

What I notice I really want is awareness of what is present here with me RIGHT NOW. This feels like what I can do, I can’t wait for all that other stuff to change so that I can be happier. I notice something is off when I am waiting for someone to call.

“I need me to call myself right now.” Yes, that turnaround is the most true.

Ring Ring Ring—Hello Grace? This is Grace! WOW! I’ve been meaning to sit with you and have a really good talk.…

Love, Grace

Posted on

Drama! Memories! Agony! Inquiry!

Not long ago I heard from an old flame, a relationship that was extremely brief and burned like newspaper: fast, furious, ashes all over the place, not as much heat as expected, quickly over.

Hearing from people with whom we’ve interacted in the past can bring memories to the surface. Sometimes very unpleasant. Sometimes sweet and kind.

The images surfacing in my own mind were entirely unpleasant! I was surprised by the anger. And reminded and amazed once again at how thoughts create an emotional response instantly…in fact it’s almost simultaneous, the speed-of-thought.

Byron Katie suggests that you know when you’ve resolved a difficult relationship when you remember someone and simply smile with appreciation. No big reaction.

So what was going on in my mind at this re-visitation of the past?

I let every part of me, from my inner five year old to my fifteen year old do the talking, since it felt like I was the full range on the timeline of immaturity around this:

  • That relationship was horrible, tangled, twisted and sick
  • I hate the way I wanted to rescue that person (who definitely needed rescuing by the way-ha ha)
  • My ego is as big as Montana when it comes to how much I wanted to make a difference in that person’s life
  • That person could hurt me again, even now! Danger! Beware!
  • That human being is unhappy, sick, defiant, self-hating, caught in childhood drama
  • I need to “work” on forgiveness (I’m not OK the way I am)
  • I don’t ever want to be with anyone even remotely like that person again
  • *$^%@!!!

Well. As you can see, the inner turmoil is acute, upsetting, stressful. It is not actually wonderful to think these thoughts…they arise because something in me is afraid, I feel resistance to what is inside of me around this memory.

Hooray. Another relationship that disturbs me. I think learning is in the air….but NO! IT ISN’T ME! IT WAS THAT OTHER PERSON’S FAULT!

Sometimes we just need to have a little tantrum. The important thing about tantrums, if they arise, is noticing them…and not doing anything out of your own integrity when you have them.

You can punch a pillow on your bed first, if you like. Or jump around doing ninja moves, karate kicking and pretending you have super powers. You can also tear a phone book apart with all your might, or smash an old dish on the cement for the sound effect. But then you will need to get some paper and a pen….and write your thoughts down.

Body and Mind together, working. Both your friends.

I work through the steps of inquiry. Who would I be, remembering this relationship, having all those images flash by, remembering and re-feeling the feelings of fear, anger, confusion…if I no longer had the belief that the person in question was evil, sick, wrong, dangerous?

Who would I be without the thought that it was a waste of time, that something was wrong with me, that something was wrong with that other person?

Can I begin to find some examples of turning these big feelings around? Am I safe right now? Am I supported? Have I learned something?

Joan Tollifson, a wonderful teacher and author writes “I find the roots of Hitler-consciousness in my own mind whenever I think I know who is wrong, or who needs to be gotten rid of. And I also find the roots of Christ-consciousness in my own heart, at least occasionally. And I know which one of these two feels like poison, and which one feels like the deepest truth.”~ Awake In The Heartland

Self-inquiry is not about forcing yourself into Christ-consciousness of course, it is about looking deeply at the judgments, fears, pain and fury you experience. Making yourself wrong and trying to get ‘somewhere else’ is just the same energy, more subtle perhaps. Pushing, driving, demanding change.

As I move into my inquiry, I remember how I don’t know anything. I don’t know why all relationships went as they did. Why there was so much trouble and agony or weirdness.

I remember that I am the one creating drama, here in this moment, and I was there in that past dramatic production as well. I am the one who has been critical of myself, sick, angry, fearful.

“If there is anything-any person, any behavior any circumstance, any situation, any place, anything that you do not see as God, that’s where the work is.”~ Byron Katie

No, you don’t have to talk, live, contact, write, or in any way communicate with that person who triggered this thing in you. In fact, often, it’s wise not to, it is being kind to you.

But I hope you give yourself the gift of remembering that troubled relationship with some acceptance and peace, the gift of using the uncomfortable feelings to open your mind and heart. If I can do it, so can you.

Love, Grace

Posted on

They’re Leaving And It Hurts

One of the most painful experiences many humans have is when someone important in their life “leaves”.

A break-up of a primary relationship, moving away to live somewhere else, death.

If you are the one who is left, many excruciating thoughts can arise:

  • I must be worthy of being left
  • Life is sad
  • I did something wrong
  • I can’t stop thinking about them
  • I can’t make it on my own
  • I can’t be happy without this person
  • I will never find anyone like them
  • My heart is broken
  • I’m not good enough

The feelings generated as we feel the absence of someone we love, or even anticipate the absence, are huge grief, tension in our throats, stomach aches, sadness, tears, anxiety, fear.

We have images running through our minds of the person when they were happily by our side.

If only they would come back. THEN I will be happy.

In this state, the future looks bleak, the world seems uninviting, it feels like loss is around every corner…the absence, emptiness, grief.

As Byron Katie says….it’s all a big misunderstanding. We’re believing very painful thoughts (see list above) and we think this feeling won’t go away. We believe the thoughts are true.

Times like these are when it is most important to slow down and look, to be with the thoughts instead of trying to get away from them or distract yourself, smooth it over.

“If someone comes along and shoots an arrow into your heart, it’s fruitless to stand there and yell at the person. It would be much better to turn your attention to the fact that there’s an arrow in your heart…”~Pema Chodron

So I question my thinking. I sit here. I do not pursue that person, I do not chase after the past, I do not go on autopilot thinking that I am sure that if the person was still here, I would again be happy.

This moment is not good enough, here, without that person in my life. Is that true? Are you sure that this very moment, you breathing, being here, living…are you sure that being here alone is not good?

Are you sure that you need that person here in order to be happy?

“When you lose something, you’ve been spared–either that or God is a sadist. How do I know I don’t need the money? It’s gone!”~Byron Katie

When my father died several decades ago, how was it that I was spared? I have looked back at that experience that felt so terribly sad with new eyes, especially when I first found the concept of questioning my thoughts.

What was an advantage of him leaving my life physically? What did that experience offer me?

I learned that I was very capable in my life. I had a job, a boyfriend, and earned my own money. I knew I had to give myself my own counsel in hard situations (my dad was so good at talking about feelings). I could remember how nurturing he was and be that way with me, and with others. I talked to him internally, and I knew what he would say back. I discovered that I could easily make it on my own, in life.

My dad gave me the gift of standing on my own two feet.

Now my 18 year old son is leaving for a new life at college. In fact, we’re packing the car and I’m driving him there today. He’s moving away.

How will this be a good and wonderful thing…this movement in life where now I will see someone I love less often, talk less, and he will have even more new experiences that I will never know about?

I trust that this happens at the most perfect time, for me. Reality is friendly. It moves and shifts. It opens up awareness to new possibilities, to a new pace of life for my son, for me.

I dreamed last night that I was about to give birth to a new baby, I was extremely pregnant, almost overdue, and waiting to go into labor any moment. I woke up knowing that even though I have something that I’m calling grief inside and imagine that I will miss my son, that this grief is also pure joy. The childhood part of my son’s life is over. It’s possible I won’t miss him.

Scott Kiloby says that the only thing that keeps natural love from flowing, is this thing that drops in called a Deficiency Story. Not enough. I need worth, specialness, validation, love from other people…because I myself am deficient. Life is deficient, sad things happen.

“Welcome pain. Be thankful for all these people who hurt you….Ask yourself what you think this person is mirroring back about you. Ask yourself what you think is wrong. Name it….See that it’s just a thought.”~Scott Kiloby

I watch my inner world with my absolutely amazing son who is grown up and moving now from here to there, and any little sadness inside, I identify what this thought is.

I discover I’m anticipating the future…I realize that coming back to this moment in the present it is beautiful. The sun is rising, the house is very quiet…my son is not in this room and there have been hundreds, thousands of mornings like this where there is no son present (even with him sleeping in another room).

I am very content with Reality, all is well, everything changes. I trust this life. I am ready to discover the advantages for sons moving away from their childhood homes, for mothers watching their children leave. Wow…I am already thinking of the advantages.

If you are in a situation where you can’t see advantages…wait. Let your mind come up with just one. Then see if you can find more. They will be there.

Arguing with any part of reality is painful. Surrendering to What Is, I am free.

“Nothing comes ahead of its time, and nothing ever happened that didn’t need to happen.”~Byron Katie

Love, Grace

If you like this article, forward it to friends, family or colleagues. To get on the list to receive these directly via email, go to www.workwithgrace.com and enter your email in the sidebar. Your email will not be sold or used for any other purpose than these articles and announcements for Work With Grace. You can Unsubscribe at any time by clicking at the bottom of any newsletter.