Tag: relationships

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I Need Him To Feel OK

A very stressful belief, held by many at various moments on the planet, is the concept “I need that person to feel OK.”

Boy howdy, that’s a juicy, sometimes wildly painful belief.

Our Tuesday YOI (Year of Inquiry) Group examined this thought together this morning.

Wow, awesome.

There is your friend, your mom, your dad, your boyfriend, your wife, your child, your client…..and they are depressed, weeping, lying in a hospital bed, in turmoil over a loss, they are worried, angry, nervous, upset, they just got emotionally hurt.

There’s an urge to rush in, assist.

It really does seem like it would be better if that person felt OK, felt good, felt content, felt open.

Questioning this belief does not mean you are cruel, cold, or uncaring.

In fact, without this belief, you may find that you are more genuinely caring than you ever realized…but let’s take a look.

First, are you positive that you need that person to feel good, better, different than they feel in order for you to be happy?

Can you absolutely know that it’s true that if he, she, it, they felt OK you’d be better off?

The fear that enters the body and mind when a loved one gets hurt, let’s say pretty badly, can be infused with this belief.

Maybe their feelings are hurt, maybe their body is hurt…this is noticing the anxiety, panic, anger, and your own hurt that becomes present, sometimes almost simultaneously, when you learn that this person you love is hurt.

So how do you react when you believe that thought, that this situation would be better if they were OK?
When I believe this thought, I am going to find out what will resolve their “hurt” and stay on the job until I find the answer. I call them. I think about them. I read books about their condition and nod. I rush in.
I come to the rescue.
I think thoughts like “he really needs to….” or “she should get help from….”
In the past, I had a great friend who had a major huge mega-watt amount of anxiety. His story, or my story, was that he had a rough life.
How did I react when I believed that I needed him to feel OK?
First, I tried to rescue.
Then, I ditched him. I believed I couldn’t take it anymore. I quit!
But who would you be without the belief that this person needs to be OK? That they are NOT OK, even with whatever is going on?
“My beloved sister is dying of cancer now, and she is in the very painful last stages of agony. Watching my sister’s husband watch his wife in such dreadful pain would be agonizing, if not for the enlightened mind, the questioned awake-to-love mind….
 
…..Oh, how I love her, and how opposite of helpless I am. I am the power of love, and there is nothing more powerful than that as I find myself sobbing with her. Who would think that love is that grateful, that deep, that overwhelming, and tear-filled! As I sob, the joy within, the joy that is born out of my love, blind in its clarity, runs deeper than any sadness could ever begin to, and it is allowed to live at its depth, a state that fear is too shallow to explore and must always fall short in its emotion to express.” ~ Byron Katie
Without the belief that other people need to be OK in order for me to be happy…
…I am free to love, express, breathe, connect, be honest, authentic, caring, overwhelmed, untethered, real, genuine….and stay or go.
I turn the thought around that I need him to be OK, I need her to be OK.
I don’t actually need that. I am living this life over here, in this body, apparently.
I can see advantages, even, to that person not being OK as I look at them:
  • they are encountering their own fear and growing stronger through it
  • they are capable of getting through this
  • they are learning about life
  • they are freer
  • they are experiencing something profound
  • they are changing
  • they are dying (or some part of them is dying) and therefore on their way to a new dimension, new life…
And while that person is not OK, I can turn that whole entire list around to myself and find the incredible gift in that person appearing as they appear in my life:
  • I am encountering my own fear and growing stronger through it
  • I am capable of getting through this (their pain, my pain)
  • I am learning about life
  • I am freer
  • I am experiencing something profound
  • I am changing
  • I am dying (my stories or otherwise) and therefore on my way to a new dimension
“The ego creates stories to convince you that you cannot be at peace NOW, you cannot be fully yourself NOW.” ~ Eckhart Tolle  
How might you be when you are with those sweet, amazing, suffering people if you knew they were actually OK?
Much Love, Grace
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Be Happy With Your Preferences

Not long ago I received a letter from an inquirer who had a long relationship with a lover that she thought of as volatile, like a roller coaster ride.

In fact, the writer had married the person in question not once, but twice. And divorced twice as well.

Even if this is not common to actually go through the ceremonies and the business legalities of marriage and divorce twice with one person…many of us know what its like to have what feels like a whacked relationship with someone.

Well, OK, I personally remember what it was like. In the experience, it felt like torture.

Too dramatic. The bliss, the hell, the peaks, the valleys.

The woman who wrote me set up an appointment to do The Work. She was in a new so-called “committed” relationship…and it was starting to smell like that old one.

She was feeling familiar pain, about not liking the way this partner was in certain really important areas: money, work and parenting.

I am not making fun of “committed” relationships when I say “so-called”…

….I say “so-called” because when I began to look at relationships and what we are calling one, what society is calling one, what I am calling one, what my neighbor is calling one, what the government is calling one….what defines a “relationship” becomes really murky.

It’s funny how many of us enjoy bonding with one other person (sometimes its called monogamy) and experiencing a very long exploration or journey with that one person.

It’s also true that many of us humans enjoy bonding with multiple different people.

I remember once a client came to work with me, such a sweet young man. He was living on a big college campus where polyamory was en vogue. In other words, the social rules were that the coolest people were sexual with anyone they wanted, any time, with no boundaries or objections.

This dear young man was trying really hard to be polyamorous, but he kept having trouble because he kept liking just one woman and wanting to connect and reconnect with primarily her, over and over.

I had to chuckle inside just a bit because I thought, wow, the construct for what is considered cool has swung clear over into another camp. In his mind, he wasn’t cool if he was monogamous!

But really, the suffering was not in whatever the social norm was, or what was considered cool or uncool, what you were or were not open to….the suffering came from him believing thoughts like this:

  • I shouldn’t like what I like, it’s wrong
  • I should be different than I am, my desires are bad
  • my preferences are too ____ (rigid, loose, boring, greedy, big, small)
  • the only place I could get satisfied is over there (even if over there is not available)
  • I am not satisfied here, with myself
  • that person I’m “with” should be better at: work, money, parenting, cleaning, cooking, sex, fixing household items, commitment, jokes

GOSH. What could we do with such stressful thoughts?

Of course, I found that a wonderful way to look at the process of “being” in a relationship that feels difficult, however that is defined, is to take out that Judge Your Neighbor worksheet and really read that objectionable person (NOT YOU) the riot act.

On paper. Don’t actually read it to them!

(Unless they understand the process of The Work and want to go for it with you).

Write down what you are really, really upset about. Write what you think they should do, or say, or think, or feel.

I am upset because my boyfriend is attracted to so many other women! I am upset because she is open to being sexual with multiple other partners! I am upset because he has no job! I am upset because she has no money! I am upset because I am single!

After you do The Work on this….really questioning, weeding through it, examining your ideas and beliefs in lack, unhappiness, fear….

….you may find that you wind up where you started, with your same preference for chocolate, but not against vanilla anymore.

It’s a waaaaaay different way to be with yourself, in love with yourself, in love with your own preferences and what brings you joy.

Without people who have entirely different preferences being mistaken, wrong, condemned, or bad.

Without trying to make yourself different!

Who would you be without the thought that there is something wrong with your relationship, with the person you’ve been interested in, with what has occurred so far in the learning between the two of you?

“My legs are on the coffee table, crossed at the ankles. One person may think, how unladylike; another might think, how comfortable. But with or without the thoughts, my legs are in the perfect position. And then I notice they uncross, and then they cross again, as I watch the movie of life, frame by frame: perfection, perfection, perfection, perfection. There is no frame you could freeze and look at that wouldn’t be the way of its perfect self. Only the mind that believes what it thinks is capable of creating imperfection.” ~ Byron Katie

Without the thought that something is unladylike, or something is comfortable, or something is right, something is wrong…..as I look at my relationship with that person, I watch the movie of life.

I cross paths with them, I uncross paths with them. Without stressful thoughts, my world is stunning whether with them or without them.

Without my beliefs about that Difficult Person, I found that I relaxed. I was suddenly in the present moment. Here. No past to obsess over. No argument with what happened yesterday.

I found that I could enter the turnarounds finally, with peace:

  • I should like exactly what I like, it’s right (as long as it is)
  • I shouldn’t be different than I am, my desires are wonderful
  • my preferences are just right for me, they teach me, they live for a reason
  • satisfaction is here, now, in this present moment no matter who I am with or where I am
  • I am totally satisfied with me, myself and I. I am the love of my life!
  • I should be good at: work, money, parenting, cleaning, cooking, sex, fixing household items, commitment, jokes—or notice and enjoy and hire those who are, or not.

For me, as I opened to all formats, possibilities, people and the ways they build their relationships, I noticed where I felt in integrity, out of integrity, where it was easy or not so easy for me, where was just right for my own evolution.

“I feel a surge of gratitude for my preferences. I love where they take me.” ~ Byron Katie

I love knowing that instead of being against that Other Person that I can simply question my beliefs, and move with rest and ease towards what I prefer.

There is no feeling of lack or being abandoned, or being sad (and if there is, I can question my thinking).

“Happiness is being allowed to be happy. Happiness is acknowledging it can never be wrong to be happy. Happiness is knowing you will be happy in the future. Happiness is realizing that there could never be a time when you should be unhappy.  Happiness is what is left when you stop believing you have to be unhappy. Happiness is knowing it is okay to be happy.” ~ Bruce DiMarsico

Do The Work, question your stressful beliefs, and enjoy yourself.

It may be more fun than you ever imagined.

And if there’s someone you’re having trouble with…join the Thursday 8 week class Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven. You can work on mother, father, son, daughter, boss, neighbor…doesn’t have to be a romantic partner.

Love, Grace

Click Here to read about or register for the 8 week teleclass Turning Relationship Hell to Heaven. Still room for two on Thursday mornings 8 am 9/12-11/7 (no class 10/10).

Click here to read about or register for YOI Year of Inquiry (only one spot left). You can register for telecalls only, or add the retreats and/or solo sessions. Discounted fees if you pay upfront, but monthly payment is also easy to set up.

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Obi-Wan Ken-YOU-Be, You’re Your Only Hope!

Even though I saw Star Wars when it first came out, all those years ago, and even though I’ve never seen it again, I still remember many fantastic scenes.

One of my favorite was the video message of Princess Leah saying “Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi, you’re my only hope!”

She’s strong, proud, and powerful.

It seemed in the story, to me, that perhaps….just maybe….good things were coming to the princess.

She was sending out a request, but who knows, maybe there was Other Hope alive there as well.

The adventure! It was ON!

The other day I was working with a young woman who feels entirely unsuccessful in finding a mate.

She feels good about her fun career, her capacity to earn money, her opportunities for adventure, the closeness of friends.

But darn it, that ideal relationship is elusive.

Many people consider parts of their lives like miserable failures, or disappointments.

This is an interesting exercise in questioning your thinking….to really examine that place where you feel like a dolt, like you’ve made mistakes.

Like you just don’t measure up compared to others. Maybe you’re mediocre when you hoped to rock the house.

You had dreams….but….YAWN.

Maybe you’ve completely blown it.

Take a moment right now and consider where in your life you have beenunsuccessful.

Have you been unsuccessful, or less than brilliant, in your career? In making money? In being free from addiction? In being normal weight? In finding that fabulous beloved partner? In finishing that creative project? In becoming enlightened?

Now…let’s do The Work on this idea, that you are Less Than Genius when it comes to this subject.

You know what Brilliance looks like, what Success looks like.

It’s over there…that person is successful in this area. Not me.

First of all, get really quiet and answer this question: Is it true that you are not successful in this most important, wonderful, significant area for you?

Are you sure you are not successful?

Yes Yes Yes! I know what my life would look like if I were successful! NOT LIKE THIS.

I’m a loser in this area. (I’m even a loser for thinking so self-critically, I should love myself, right?)

Hold it.

Slow it down and see, if it was only you who can give the Final Answer. (I can hear the game show host from Who Wants To Be A Millionaire and his voice saying IS THAT YOUR FINAL ANSWER?)

Is it true that you are unsuccessful in this arena you’re thinking about?

Yes or No are both fine. Just watch which one is actually true for you, it’s quite fascinating.

And now, next question….

…How do you react when you believe the thought that you are unsuccessful at “x”? What happens in that moment?

I used to feel so low, like the scum of the earth. A kind of heavy, flat weight, pulling me down to horizontal.

Acute depression. Bitter vicious stream of thought, calling myself names.

I ate food, lots of it, when I wasn’t hungry.

Then I’d feel worse. And numbly forget all about the original lack of success.

I wouldn’t even try to go succeed at whatever “x” was (for me it was having a fun, interesting job, earning money, connecting with others honestly, being real, saying “no”, finishing my book, sending my writing to publishers).

Why bother trying to change?

Look at all this evidence for my failure…..I had proof based on stories of the past.

I didn’t have The Work back then…but fortunately I had people in my life who were deeply encouraging, who reminded me of what I actually knew was really the truth….

….that I was successful in these areas.

Wait. What?

But. I don’t have a boyfriend! I don’t have a retirement account! I’m twenty pounds overweight! I binge eat! I need a job!

Yes, you read that correctly.

Who would you be if instead of thinking you are unsuccessful in this topic, that you are SUCCESSFUL.

Full of success. Capable, brilliant, sparkling, learning, growing, undefined, making course corrections, compassionate, kind to yourself, understanding, loving, waking up.

I notice that in every moment I’ve lived, I was always doing the best I could.

The critical mind tends to come in and quickly say “no you weren’t…you knew better…you should have done blah blah blah…”

But let yourself find examples of what you’ve learned, how you’ve been successful, how losing taught you something perhaps, how that intense experience supported you.

Even if you are a single person (and some part of you imagines it would be better to be in a relationship) see how you have been successful with who you are, with your experience.

How has it been of advantage to go slow, spend time alone, work extremely hard, be abandoned by that lover, not earn much money, not become a guru, be overweight, get sick, use drugs or alcohol?

Maybe when you stop riding yourself for your faults, you may find that the honest truth is that you’re peaceful with where you are in this moment with that apparently unsuccessful topic.

For me? I am so grateful for my under-earning, low, depressive, addictive, emotional reaction to life….

….because it all was a big fat wake up call.

It put me on this trajectory (the client said the same thing).

A humble learner. Someone going beyond their family traditions. Someone entering uncharted territory.

Someone living with the possibility of being joyful with What Is.

Maybe the entire way your life has gone is exactly the perfect path you’ve needed to find your freedom.

“You are your only hope, because we’re not changing until you do. Our job is to keep coming at you, as hard as we can, with everything that angers, upsets, or repulses you, until you understand. We love you that much, whether we’re aware of it or not. The whole world is about you.” ~ Byron Katie

If you have a hard time finding the advantages for past “failures”, or your current status, or your lack of freedom, or your not-quite-there yet….

….sit down and do The Work.

If it’s really hard, and you can’t imagine being your own only hope, you can join the upcoming two classes that start in September and get yourself some support to stay in inquiry: either the One Year Program (fantastic small group of genius inquirers) or the 8-week Relationship Hell To Heaven teleclass.

Love, Grace

P.S. The One Year Program is filling: choose to join the teleclass, the teleclass plus solo sessions, or the teleclass/solo sessions AND in-person retreats. You may want to decide soon! Write with questions: grace@workwithgrace.com

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The Rules For Best Relationships – Are They True?

Over the weekend in a workshop of absolutely delightful people who came to do The Work together for an afternoon, a question came up that I’ve been asked before:

What if I want to keep my belief? What if I like my belief?

I like how Byron Katie suggests that you don’t need to question beliefs that you love, that you enjoy, that bring you happiness.

They’re working for you, so leave them alone, right?

(And they’ll all probably fall away eventually).

The Work doesn’t even have a step that asks you to drop a belief…..all it asks you is to identify the belief you’ve got when you’re upset, and then examine whether or not its really true for you, and what it might be like without it.

It takes great sleuthing, though, to understand the protests that the mind will make about giving up a belief.

These protests, fears, worries about giving up beliefs can rise up clearly when you are asked that famous fourth question in the process of The Work:

Who would you be without that thought?

Who would you be if you couldn’t even think that thought in that situation you’re in that you find troubling?

If your answer is: I would be lost, unhappy, enraged, terrified, lonely, confused….or any number of stressful feelings…

….then you may have found a goldmine for investigating your idea of how the world should look, and where you are against Reality.

For example.

When my former husband had left and I was sitting in my little cottage all alone, desperately missing my old life and my children (who were with him) I wrote down the thought: it is best when people get married if they stay together their entire lives.

I grew up with this belief. I learned it from everyone around me.

It seemed obviously true. I had hardly questioned this thought.

I still believed it, in that moment sitting on my couch full of such sadness that my vision of marriage was broken into bits.

With the thought, I cried, I raved and ranted. I went from panic, to fury, to grief.

It felt like my world was coming to an end. I was not going to have the happy ending I had imagined in marriage, where two people are by each other’s side, both with gray hair and wrinkled skin.

But I knew that while I held that vision of the “best” case scenario in my head, then when things did NOT appear as this scenario…I was frightened.

I wasn’t even sure what I was actually frightened of, oddly enough. I just felt terrified, abandoned, wrong, unlucky and miserable.

As I sat with the vision, I realized that the list of rules about “good” relationships was quite long.

And relationships like this list were very rare.

And very conditional. As in NOT unconditional.

The conditions being, it had to be this way, or else THUMBS DOWN.

  • Both people should want to stay with each other until death
  • Both people should be attracted to each other exclusively forever
  • Both people should not be attracted to anyone else
  • Both people should share the same dreams of the future
  • Both people should care for each other in times of lack of health, lack of money, loss, or distress
  • Both people should support and love the other one’s family of origin, friends, community
  • Both people should think, care about and consider the other in everything they do.

This may be a lovely picture of truth for some relationships.

The problem is, when it doesn’t go this way, but you think they should.

There I was, all alone, and feeling great pain. I knew to do The Work.

Is it true, I asked myself, that people should stay together their entire lives when they become committed to eachother? Is it true that this is the BEST way?

Yikes, no idea.

It appears that many people do not have this “ideal” long-term stay-together experience.

In fact, most people do not, come to think of it.

Oh.

What’s the reality?

It appears that a whole lot of the time it’s people coming and going in relationship, changing partners, not remaining together for life, unexpected things happening, goodbyes, hellos, mystery.

So, no, it is not true that marriage, or commitment, and remaining together is The Best Way.

And who would I be without the thought that The List (of Good Relationships Are) is the best way?

I would be open to all ways being interesting, loving, beautiful.

In that moment on my couch, I would notice right there in that present situation that the silence was magical, that I wanted more time to myself and now I had it.

When I turned around the thought to look at the opposite, it was “This way is the best way for a relationship to go, for me.”

I could find out why my relationship life did NOT match the one on that old list.

I could find out why it was better for me, for other people, and for the world that my life did not look like the one on that list, when it came to relationships.

Today, I have more confidence, independence, esteem for my ability to understand and earn money, more passion, adventure, willingness to try new things, more friends, more love for myself, more freedom than I ever, ever once had.

These amazing qualities came out of the fire of burning in a relationship ending.

Now, I am willing to enter into fire….that’s the difference in my life.

I see the way the phoenix can rise up.

“If you are a friend of God, fire is your water. You should wish to have a hundred thousand sets of moth wings, so you could burn them away, one set a night. The moth sees light and goes into fire. You should see fire and go toward light…” ~ Rumi

Anyone can do this.

You can dissolve what you believe are the rules of Good Relationships, and you may feel uncomfortable, ungrounded, like you are entering unknown territory.

But you will get used to it.

Freedom is so sweet, you will see the value of questioning your thoughts about relationships that hurt.

You can keep the good ones, if they are working for you, and keep doing The Work.

“It is always the false that makes you suffer, the false desires and fears, the false values and ideas, the false relationships between people. Abandon the false and you are free of pain; truth makes happy, truth liberates.” ~ Nisargadatta

If you’re ready to take a deeper look with the support of a group, then the 8 week teleclass Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven starts Sept 13 on Thursday mornings 8 – 9:30 am. Join us! Click here to read about it or register.

Love, Grace

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Question Your Love Story, Discover Stillness

I was having a gentle walk last weekend in the sunny afternoon, green summer leaves swishing above, when I passed an outdoor cafe and suddenly a huge rush of adrenaline zapped through me, like a lazer beam of energy aimed for the heart.

I thought I saw an old boyfriend, sitting in a chair, facing away from me. The hair was almost exactly the same. I had to stare as I walked by, checking to see “is that him?”

Now why the heck did that produce a shot of adrenaline like I saw a house explode into fire all of the sudden?

I mean really, I thought (as I felt my facing heart slowing down).

Isn’t this a bit dramatic of a reaction?

But sometimes… BAM…there is a cascade of beliefs all at once, all stuck to each other like velcro, that show up and it only takes the mind 2 seconds to compute and execute.

RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!

Oh. Not him. Wow, that really looked like him. (Turn back and check again). No, definitely not him. What would he be doing up here? But it’s not him. So that wouldn’t happen. Not him.

And then the next ten minutes were spent remembering, seeing images zip through the mind.

It’s like the Mind is dressed up in a business suit, with a huge deck of cards. On each card is a moving picture (idea stolen from Harry Potter stories) with moments from MY LIFE.

This corporate-looking business man (the mind thinks of itself with such importance doesn’t it?) is throwing down one card after the next after the next, saying “here, remember THAT moment? what about this one? oooh, that was a particularly gruelling moment, oh and that one was pretty good, and this one was absolutely horrendous, oh, and when he said that…”

All with that person!

Who wasn’t even actually here.

Talk about stories. JEEZ!

Now, before inquiry, I would have made a lot of effort to forget about that guy. Or say something under my breath like “wanka!”

And I might feel slightly anxious off and on for the rest of the day, or look over my shoulder sometimes.

Maybe I’d even think about doing something comforting, like eating ice cream or drinking a beer (as if those worked).

The thing that’s wonderful about self-inquiry is maybe escapist thoughts still pass through my mind, but they don’t feel very serious.

The more interesting thoughts are the ones that created the fear energy through the system. I love finding out what those are, writing them down, using this as an educational, adventurous moment.

Let’s see, if I really let it rip, childish, petty, judgmental, honest….this is what my thinking looked like, slowed way down into a list:

  • he hates me
  • he wants to hurt me
  • he was hurt by ME
  • he didn’t understand me
  • he thought I was mean, judgmental, critical and closed
  • he was lying, selfish, weak, rude
  • connecting him was not, is not, and will not be safe

I had to chuckle when I asked myself “what’s the worst that could happen?”

I had the image of this old boyfriend jumping up and screaming and running after me down the street yelling “you witch! get away from me! you ruined my life!”

Did I mention that the mind can be a real Drama Queen?

So if that DID happen….would it really be unmanageable, horrible, unsafe?

Am I SURE he wants to hurt me, he was hurt by me, he hates me, and he thinks of me as a terrible person?

No. Not at all.

I turn these thoughts around and find my own very stressful thoughts….about ME…are the ones that really hurt.

  • I hated myself (in the way I was with him)—true, I was dishonest, nervous, and always worried about his feelings and not mine
  • I wanted to hurt him, I wanted to hurt myself—both true, I felt defensive, I attacked, I was always looking at the world like it wasn’t good enough, and neither was I
  • he was healed by me, I was healed by him—could be just as possible, there was a lot of love expressed between us
  • he did understand me, I didn’t understand myself—both true
  • I thought of myself as mean, judgmental, critical and closed—that’s for sure! And yes, he also thought of me as kind, accepting, discerning and open
  • I was totally lying, selfish, weak and rude—um, yeah, that was true. And, he told the truth, was generous, strong and nice.
  • connecting with him was completely safe, is currently safe (in this moment of thinking about him even) and will always be safe in the future—yes, true.

I realize there is nothing dangerous in the memories, the feelings that welled up, the images that passed through my mind, the story.

It’s just a story.

“Hurt feelings or discomfort of any kind cannot be cause by another person. No one outside me can hurt me. That’s not a possibility. It’s only when I believe a stressful thought that I get hurt. And I’m the one who’s hurting me by believing what I think. This is very good news, because it means that I don’t have to get someone else to stop hurting me. I’m the one who can stop hurting me. It’s within my power.” ~ Byron Katie 

Later, after inquiring and looking and wondering….I notice I feel much calmer, more neutral when I think of that man.

I think of him as a character in a great and profound epic story…he actually had a pretty dang short part, truth be told. But an important one.

“For love to flourish, the light of your presence needs to be strong enough so that you no longer get taken over by the thinker or the pain-body and mistake them for who you are. To know yourself as the Being underneath the thinker, the stillness underneath the mental noise, the love and joy underneath the pain, is freedom, salvation, enlightenment.” ~ Eckhart Tolle 

Love flourishes with every moment, whether another human is here, or not here, or memories are present, or not present, whether I am “with” a person or not “with” a person….all shining under the story.

Who would you be without your former love story?

Love, Grace

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Stepping Backwards When A Relationship Ends

When I was traveling half way around the world recently with my beloved partner, after almost three weeks of 24/7 time together….at one point I thought suddenly “it’s easier to be single”.

So many advantages, for an introvert like me. Although I couldn’t believe the thought for more than 15 seconds.

But there was a flash, a vision of the benefits, all in an instant. Quiet, silence, space, no deciding what we’re doing next, no talking….fortunately, all I needed to do was to say “could we have no talking?” and my husband lovingly agreed.

And it was really hilarious that I even jumped to that thought in the first place, because I used to think the opposite: “it’s better to be partnered.”

The belief that it’s better to be in partnership, dating, have a girlfriend or boyfriend is really common. And often stressful.

“I can’t get what I really want, need, desire, enjoy…unless I have a partner”. 

Many people are single when they say or think this thought. At least, I said it when I myself was single.

I would be having a wonderful time, and then have the thought “this would be BETTER if I had a partner here with me!”

Now, I’m not saying that being married to the amazing and sweet man I am married to is difficult. It is, in fact, the easiest, most kind, loving, simple relationship I’ve ever known.

But I swear….it seems like this current relationship appeared when I came to stand in a place where I really did not care if I ever got married again. Or care if I ever lived with anyone again. Or care if I was “in a relationship” again.

I did The Work a LOT on relationships….especially after my first marriage of 15 years ended.

Fortunately, I had The Work.

Fortunately, I stopped “trying” to go get something different. I stopped trying to move forward into that new state of relationship that would be better.

I stopped, and questioned my thinking.

When a relationship “ends” (we’ll talk about what that means in a minute) then it is very common for human beings to feel a great variety of feelings…feelings that HURT!!

I was not only hurting, I felt physically sick. I could not sleep well, I had a low-level anxiety running at all times, and my future looked bleak.

I thought that “ending” meant a lot of things. BAD THINGS.

My thoughts about myself were the most excruciating. They went something like this:

  • I am worthy of being broken up with
  • if I was good enough, this wouldn’t be happening
  • I can’t make it financially on my own
  • I can’t handle house repairs or car repairs by myself
  • My life will never be the same, it is over
  • I will never risk being this hurt again
  • The rest of my life, I will be lonely
  • I need someone else to pow-wow with, to converse with, to be intimate with emotionally and physically

As I looked at the beliefs and the whole system of thinking about Relationships: The Pros and The Cons.…I realized that many of the primary core beliefs broke apart and didn’t even make sense once I began to investigate them.

Could I really know that it was true, that this relationship “ending” meant that I wasn’t good enough? That if someone was breaking up with me, it meant BAD THINGS about me?

Could I really know that I couldn’t make it financially on my own? Or handle daily life tasks?

Was it really true that my life changing drastically was a TERRIBLE thing?

Was I really, really, really as hurt as I thought I was? Or lonely?

Was I SURE I could only get the intimacy I craved from a primary relationship?

No! I had no idea, really, that what was happening was a dreadful, horrible, terrible thing.

When I believed that it was a bad thing….life was rough. I was scared, confused, closed, nervous, and unhappy. I wasn’t interested in other people, or I was TOO interested in people who actually did NOT REALLY interest me. A knot of tension and dishonesty.

And then I asked the amazing question….“who would I be without the thought that breaking up or ending a relationship is a bad thing”?

What if it was a good thing?

“How do I know I don’t need a boyfriend? Simple: I don’t have one. ” ~ Byron Katie

Ending an important relationship brings so much opportunity to question stress and pain…I found the turnarounds to be amazingly true.

A relationship ending could give you the opportunity to enjoy your own company, to enjoy yourself as worthy, to notice how you are good enough, to make it financially on your own, to handle house and car repairs yourself, to notice life was already not ever going to be the same (always changing), to laugh, to see how intimate you can be with anyone, in every way.

I mean, you could ROCK, without needing anyone!

And here’s the funniest thing of all: the relationship didn’t actually “end”.

There is communication, conversation, ideas, response, memories, laughing….they continue.

Even my father, who is long gone, I can remember, think about, talk to…it did not “end”.

“The forward step is always moving ahead, always trying to attain what you want, whether it’s a material possession or inner peace. The forward step is very familiar: seeking and more seeking, striving and more striving, always looking for peace, always looking for happiness, looking for love. To take the backward step means to just turn around, reverse the whole process of looking for satisfaction on the outside, and look at precisely the place where you are standing. See if what you are looking for isn’t already present in your experience.” ~ Adyashanti

I say, question your thinking, change everything you know about relationships.

It’s worth it.

And if I can do it….lordy…you can do it too.

Much Love, Grace

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They Might Reject Me

Close, connected, real, honest conversation is one of the most joyful or energizing experiences humans can have.

People speaking what they really think and feel, and asking questions of another, and saying what is hard to reveal or what’s actually going on in their lives can be life-shifting.

Really….one conversation can have such a powerful affect on someone, they may decide to change something big in their lives, or feel inspired to move in a direction only previously imagined.

This essence of genuine, vulnerable sharing has been something human beings do with each other perhaps since they first came into existence.

And humans also hold back what they are thinking, feeling, wondering. They hold back asking questions or bringing up hard topics.

For me, when I’ve had a difficult time saying something to someone that I really do want to say, or asking a question I’d really love to know the answer to….it’s usually got something to do with these beliefs:

  1. I could be rejected
  2. I could hurt the other person’s feelings
  3. If I hurt the other person’s feelings, they might leave or hate me—see #1.

Oh horrors! I might produce anger, disappointment, sadness, frustration or fear in that other person! They might produce the same inside of me!

I jest….but it feels like a gigantic risk when these big troubling feelings could happen and BECAUSE of these feelings, you could be rejected.

One of my favorite authors and wise-guys, Anthony DeMello, said that he discovered inside himself that he had this kind of relationship with God (whatever God was for him).

He wanted God’s love, attention, care…and thought there was a risk of losing these things.

But being the defiant and interesting Jesuit priest he was, he decided to talk with God and tell him that he didn’t need him. Even though this was the opposite approach he had grown up with and always been taught.

“If I need you to make me happy, I’ve got to use you, I’ve got to manipulate you, I’ve got to find ways and means of winning you. I cannot let you be free. I can only love people when I have emptied my life of people. When I die to the need for people, then I’m right in the desert. In the beginning it feels awful, it feels lonely, but if you can take it for a while, you’ll suddenly discover that it isn’t lonely at all. Is is solitude, it is aloneness, and the desert begins to flower.”~ Tony DeMello

So I question the belief “being rejected is terrible” first of all….and then the belief “I am being rejected”. I mean, I have to assume I’m being rejected first, and THEN that it’s a bad thing, a terrible thing, and something to avoid!

It’s terrible if someone doesn’t like me, rages at me, attacks me, is rude….it’s terrible if they become scared of me and run away, or feel ashamed because of some interaction with me, or vanish.

Is that true? Am I sure it’s terrible? Am I sure that they are indeed rejecting ME?

No. Their strong emotions may show that they are challenged by something that has nothing to do with me. They might be too freaked out to hear what I’m saying, they might be upset by something that has occurred in their past, they might feel defensive because they are uncertain and insecure.

How they are acting MEANS something bad…rejection, non-acceptance, abandonment, danger.

How about the Universe? If upsetting, difficult things happen in the world, surrounding me, does it mean I am bad, wrong, rejected, abandoned?

Is it true that I need God (or the Universe, if you prefer) to love me, and that I need to earn this love and make sure I’m not rejected? OR ELSE.

Pema Chodron speaks of this huge desire to be loved and not rejected. In Buddism, it is called “shenpa”.

“Somebody says a mean word to you and then something in you tightens – that’s the shenpa. Then it starts to spiral into low self-esteem, or blaming them, or anger at them, denigrating yourself. And maybe if you have strong addictions, you just go right for your addiction to cover over the bad feeling that arose when that person said that mean word to you. This is a mean word that gets you, hooks you. Another mean word may not affect you but we’re talking about where it touches that sore place – that’s a shenpa.” ~Pema Chodron

The freedom that can come forth by questioning the belief that you need acceptance, or that you’re not getting it, is astonishing.

Who would you be without the thought that you need anyone else’s love, including God’s love?

What if you already have all the love you need?

You may enjoy those beautiful, deep, authentic, loving conversations even more. The people who can really have them with you, in this moment in time, may appear with open arms.

If someone runs for the hills….it’s not personal. Love is everywhere. It is in them leaving, it is in their strong caustic-sounding words, it is alive and passionate in every moment.

Even this quiet one, with no one else in the room.

“If you realize that you have enough, you are truly rich. If you stay in the center and embrace death with your whole heart, you will endure forever.”~Tao Te Ching #33

Love, Grace

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Furniture Assembly Wars

I’ve been living with my adorable husband for 4 years now, and known for five, but never had the opportunity to assembly a piece of IKEA furniture together.

If you haven’t put IKEA furniture together before….you’re in for an adventure in analysis, patience, deciphering code, and victory.

We put a wardrobe together for 5 hours….well, ALMOST put it together.

Was that worth the cost of the reduced fee for a sturdy pine wardrobe, I ask? And let’s define sturdy, by the way…

But I digress!

The most important thing I found very intriguing was my inner thought patterns that flowed out towards this person I know very well, my team mate on this project. Goal = get wardrobe built.

During that goal….oh look. Gosh, was that ME who was thinking such things?

  • I could do this by myself faster
  • Lining up the screws in perfectly spaced order is totally unnecessary
  • Don’t step there with your dirty shoe!
  • Did I say faster? That this should be going faster?
  • Who moved the hammer?
  • If I had more money, I would have paid for an already-built wardrobe
  • Why don’t you know how to do this kind of thing blind-folded?
  • Where is the FLAT HEAD screw driver?
  • Give me the directions!
  • What time is it…I thought this would be done faster

The whole thing was hysterically funny, really.

I was like a dog holding a bone and you would have to kill me to get it. I was not leaving that room until that thing was put together, come hell or high water.

At midnight, we turned in. With the doors not yet assembled.

AAARRRRGHGHGHGHG!

Heh heh, not that I would take a little furniture assembly seriously or anything.

The Work can be applied on any stressful situation.

Even if the stress is mild. Even if you have NO investment and it’s totally and completely 100% fine with you that things are going EXACTLY the way they are and it’s NO BIG DEAL, and who cares…it’s only a piece of furniture!

This should go faster. Is that true?

Can I absolutely know that everything would be BETTER if this thing went faster? Am I sure that this is not fun? And that HE should know how to put this together without even looking at the directions? Is it really annoying when someone else does it differently?

What are the advantages of doing this little mini project in life?

Who would I be without the thought that this task is irritating, time-consuming, or unimportant? Or that I can do it better alone?

What daily tasks do you find irritating or less-than-pleasurable? What’s the payoff in finding them unpleasant?

The thing is, even small teensy little incidents or tasks can be experienced joyfully or with attack.

Like driving in traffic, picking up groceries, going to the library, vacuuming, mowing the lawn, going to the gym.

These are the things we do most repeatedly in our lives, after all. What if they were not just ho-hum, and not irritating, but WONDERFUL?

The way I know out of the idea that something is unpleasant is to question it. The sooner the better.

No. It should not go faster. No, it should not go as I command. No, I do not know how to do this but I can follow directions and so can my companion. Everything is OK. In fact, this is quite magical. There are only pictures on the directions, but we are doing it without words. It’s a game. The hammer moves, the screw driver appears, someone explains what they just figured out, hands all operate together to lift, turn, create. 

It should go exactly the speed it is going. This wardrobe, this traffic, that appointment, that phone call, this day, that taxi ride, this road-service phone call, that ambulance, this test, that shopping trip….this life.

This experience should go exactly as it is going.

In fact, it’s beyond me to think about ordering moments, space, knowledge and time around. And wardrobes.

That’s the job of Something Else.

“Rushing into action, you fail. Trying to grasp things, you lose them. Forcing a project to completion, you ruin what was almost ripe. Therefore the Master takes action by letting things take their course. He remains as calm at the end as at the beginning. He has nothing, thus has nothing to lose.”~Tao Te Ching #64

Love, Grace

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Underestimating Your Enemies Means Losing

For all of you who have written with interest about the upcoming Year For The Addictive Mind….stay tuned. I will have many details on both my website and also it will be posted on Byron Katie’s website by the end of this coming weekend.

Even with so many details to finalize, when I awoke this morning, I was thinking, as usual, about the meaning of life, along with when I was going to repair the tear in my coat. Such a rascally rascal, that voice that enjoys figuring things out. As if.

I read a passage the day before where a very old woman who had experienced a truly wonderful and rich life, discovered that at the end of her long days on the planet, she really hadn’t figured out anything yet.

DOH!

All this seeking, learning, analyzing, ruminating, wondering, fascination…it comes and goes in waves of happiness and sadness, despair, grief, ecstasy, joy, peace, fear….all kinds of feelings about everything, coming and going hither and thither.

That big question that Einstein posed…is the universe friendly, or NOT?

Was the little old lady talking about THAT question? I don’t know for sure, but that’s what I was thinking about this morning:

Do I now know, or do I now NOT know, if the universe is friendly?

The usual way of life, for me so far, has been that things are hummin’ along and then something happens, and it gets categorized into Friendly/Not Friendly.

There’s all the reaction, and response, and the A-Teams checking out the casualties (or births), thumbs up, disappointments, up or down…but in the back of the mind a little note-taker who is cataloguing and recording the friendly and not friendly experiences.

I had a Not Friendly experience recently. According to the One Who is Recording In The Catalogue.

And I had to ask myself, as someone who knows the beauty of self-inquiry, what could be the advantage in this situation? I found one, and then another.

It was quite startling, to find advantages so quickly, almost immediately after the Not Friendly occurred.

But then I noticed, it still felt like an emotional blow, like getting hit really hard, injured, damaged, misunderstood. I felt sad.

I felt so very sad, that I had sudden immense, deep doubt in the Friendliness of the Universe.

And then I noticed….in this situation I’m really invested in getting back to positive, to not have to feel so incredibly sad, to manage my wounds.

Positive thinking, finding turnarounds, quickly asking “who would I be without this thought?!” is not The Work if I do it in order to find a good outcome, or get happy.

It’s not The Work if I’m all “QUICK! Remember that it’s a Friendly Universe! OMG Hurry, Hurry, Hurry!”

Trying to make the best of a situation is OK, but it’s not exactly always REAL. It’s not theTruth. It’s trying to impose a positive slant on Reality.

Oops. Remember that quote by Katie..”Argue with reality, and you lose, but only 100% of the time.” 

This includes arguments that say that surely, the universe is friendly, when you’re really NOT sure at that particular moment.

I once again realized, when feeling a strong emotional feeling of great grief, that I was judging the actual feeling as bad to feel. The situation, with bad feelings in it, was BAD.

I was trying to draw conclusions from my experience, too, maybe a little too fast. Like a strategy for handling this very terrible situation.

“Gosh golly, this will be a really amazing learning opportunity, this will allow me to practice acceptance of endings/death!”….OR…. “This doesn’t really bother me, I can force myself, surely, into forgetting all about this!”

If someone gets hit by a car, and is lying in the street, we don’t run over to them with blood flowing around them and look into their eyes and say “would you like to do The Work right now?”

This morning, I didn’t do that to myself either.

But now, later in the day….I will. Everything in perfect timing.

“There is no greater misfortune than underestimating your enemy. Underestimating your enemy means thinking that he is evil. Thus you destroy yoru three treasures and become an enemy yourself. When two great forces oppose each other, the victory will go to the one that knows how to yield.”~Tao Te Ching #69

My suffering and grief is not my enemy, that person who did something that hurt is not my enemy, this situation is not my enemy.

Are there ways that this is true? Not lets-get-positive ways. Real ways. Is there anything friendly here? Can you find it?

That’s what I’m talkin’ about!

Love, Grace

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The Universe Abandoned Me

Today I woke up thinking about one of my favorite people, someone who has been a really close friend in the past.

But we don’t talk much anymore. We haven’t seen each other in a really long time. My last emails went unanswered.

Inside, I felt a little sad.

There is distance here. That person is far away. No communication. No flow.

The mind immediately begins to make suggestions for solving the problem. DISTANCE is a problem, in this situation.

Have you ever noticed that the mind can actually speak to you in third person? My thoughts were going something like this:

I think you did something wrong! Maybe you weren’t interesting enough? Maybe you failed to share honestly about something? Perhaps you hurt his feelings? That last time you were together wasn’t ideal–maybe you should have talked about it? Something happened in this friendship, that’s for sure! You think you’ve sorted this through and reached the best conclusion possible, but NO. You haven’t!

Then another member of the Mind Committee appears on the scene to offer its opinion about this person you’re thinking about! Well…he did have a lot of faults…maybe this is all for the best! Remember how much he complained? He talked too much, he drank too much, he interrupted, he was a bad listener, he was too bossy…

It’s like the mind is making a case for defense, trying to argue its way to a peaceful conclusion.

As my mind took off on its journey to analyze the heck out of the exact same relationship that it has already thought about before, I realized…OH.

I haven’t done The Work yet on that person.

When the Mind Committee gets big enough to look like the Wall Street stock market floor with people shouting, noise, arms waving, and anger, worry, fear, doubt, and sadness all present….then that’s a very clear sign that sitting down and doing The Work might have been a good idea awhile ago.

If the Mind Committee has only sent two voices to come into the room and start talking (like my experience this morning when I woke up) then it might be a good idea to notice this and do The Work NOW, before it gets louder and bigger…before the reinforcements and teams of debaters are ordered in.

So I sat down and I wrote out my judgments. What do I want from him, that would make me happy? What do I need? What should he do, what should he say, or think, or feel?

Then I take only one of these thoughts, just one of them. I don’t have to question everything, I don’t have to get this whole thing wrapped up in one fell swoop. Time is not important here.

This is starting with only ONE stressful thought. It doesn’t have to be the “best” thought to question. It’s identifying an idea I have that I feel is serious, sad, painful.

He abandoned me.

Yes! That is sooooo true! He ditched me, he doesn’t have the staying power of a real friend, he’s shallow, superficial, he’s not cut out for real depth of honesty, he is flawed, good riddance!

Can I absolutely KNOW that it is TRUE that he abandoned me? Really? Can I know that Abandonment is what is going on here? And that he is doing it, 100%?

Well. Um. Not really. No. Now that I think about it, it isn’t true at all.

How do I react when I wake up with a memory of him and I have regrets, doubts, concern…when I am believing that he abandoned me?

SAD SAD SAD.

Who would I be without the thought that he abandoned me? If I really couldn’t even have this belief? If it didn’t occur to me? Who would I be if I came from another world and got dropped into this situation without the thought that ABANDONMENT is going on here?

I notice that I think about him and feel happiness. How much I loved our conversations. How much laughing, crying, intimacy has happened. Gratitude for him, whether he is here at the moment or not. Appreciation for him….whether he responds to my emails or not. Smiling, without the thought.

The turnaround to the thought, the exact opposite, is “he did NOT abandon me.”

How is this just as true, or truer? Can I find real, genuine examples of ways he did not abandon me, even though there is distance, apparently, between us? Even though we haven’t talked in a long time?

Well, first of all…ahem…he is busy living his own life, and its not all about me. He has a huge project he’s working on. He’s traveling. He’s in an important primary relationship in his life that he’s trying to sort out. He’s taking care of himself.

I don’t have to know all about it. I don’t have to know the details. I mean….really. Would I want to say “stop doing all those things and take time out to contact ME! You need to show ME that you care. Where are you? Get over HERE! You need to come towards ME. ME ME ME.”

Sigh. This Work is NOT about raking yourself over the coals, listing your faults and concluding that you yourself are the culprit. THAT kind of turning-it-around is not compassionate or loving.

Seriousness is a clue that you are attacking yourself in some way, if you turn something around and it feels painful at first.

So I notice it is kinda funny, this whole all-eyes-on-me thing that happens eternally, with the little unquestioned mind. Everything is about me. He isn’t living his life, making his own choices and decisions, out there in the world. Nooooo, he abandoned me!

And ultimately, there is the turnaround to myself that I look at through this process of The Work: “I abandoned myself”.

How is THAT true, right in the middle of this friendship? Right in the middle of this memory of that person, as I woke up this morning?

I abandoned myself as quickly as you can say Jack Robinson. The minute I thought of that dear person, I related him to ME and instead of feeling loving, sweet, affectionate, grateful, and full of joy…I felt slighted, attacked, dismissed, judged, uncared for, confused and abandoned.

In the present moment, with the memory of that person, I was sad.

I must confess….this thought of abandonment has been one I have had before. No! Really? OMG! (joke).

I notice that another example of how I abandon myself is that I have believed the Universe itself….love, security, happiness, care, joy….all of this has abandoned me at times.

I have believed that the Universe/God/Source is not friendly but instead totally uncaring, in a bad way. Those difficult things happened that were scary, terrible, threatening.

I remember now, in this morning’s Work, that this thought I have had, about this friend, is something I have thought before about all THIS. The world. Life. Oh yeah, that’s right. I’m doing my Abandonment Thinking thing.

“It takes a lot of courage to go inside yourself and find genuine answers to the four questions of The Work. When you do, you lose all your stories about the world–you lose the whole world as you understood it to be….You open your arms to reality. Just show me a problem that doesn’t come from believing an untrue thought.”~ Byron Katie

Could it be true, or truer, that there is no abandonment going on, ever…except in my own mind? Could it be true that this mysterious World is never abandoning me?

Because as it turns out, I’m sitting here, breathing, alive, typing, drinking tea, seeing rain come down outside the window.

I mean, there is stuff EVERYWHERE. Objects, colors, sensation, light, heart beating, furniture, heat, windows, aliveness, a bird squalking somewhere, rain tapping on the roof, image of my friend, peace…joy.

“Failure is an opportunity. If you blame someone else, there is no end to the blame. Therefore the Master fulfills her own obligations and corrects her own mistakes. She does what she needs to do and demands nothing of others.”~Tao Te Ching #79

I demand nothing of others? That means I don’t demand they “not abandon” me. I don’t assume they have.

Suddenly, it’s a very friendly universe.

Love, Grace