Tag: Byron Katie

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I Need To Lose It!

Yesterday morning the Horrible Food Wonderful Food telegroup met for the second time in our series of 8.

Even though I have taught that teleclass almost 20 times now, and of course people question this common stressful belief I’m about to tell you…I find it fascinating to explore.

I need to lose weight.

Now, before you think “that’s not me, I can’t relate to this stressful belief!” take a moment to think about ANYTHING you repeatedly tell yourself you need to “lose” or “get rid of”.

It’s a mega-list to that Voice that is hyper-critical.

  • I need to get rid of my household junk
  • I need to lose my low confidence
  • I need to clean out my closets
  • I need to get rid of my anxiety
  • I need to get rid of this friend/partner/boss/employee
  • I need to lose my anger
  • I need to lose my scarcity or my negative thinking

The burden of having these thoughts, and feeling like the item/energy/result is NOT going away, is very “weighty”.

And it seems like thinking these thoughts, and believing them whole-heartedly, does not make it happen.

So let’s look at something you think you need to lose, and see if it’s absolutely true.

Is it? Are you absolutely positive you need to lose weight? Or something else?

Wow, maybe you need to lose that sickness, or that injured hamstring (d-oh!), or this head cold, or that nasty neighbor.

It is soooo true! I need to lose it!

Life would be much better if I lost it!

OK, so you’re positive you need to lose weight, or that other thing or person.

How do you react when you believe that thought?

Plans, plans, plans of attack for getting rid of this thing. I’ll put a lock on the refrigerator, I’ll go on a diet, I’ll feel depressed and sad, I’ll avoid contacting that person, I’ll quit my job, I’ll see if I can find someone who can help me get rid of it.

I’ll go to the ends of the earth trying.

When I believe the thought, I feel tense, afraid, very nervous, angry. I keep thinking about how I need to lose it. I think about it over and over. I make a new plan.

But what a wonderful question: who would you be without the thought that you need to lose this thing, lose this weight, this person, this injury, this hardship, this situation?

Wow.

Yesterday, people in the telegroup were imagining not having the thought that they need to lose weight for the first time since childhood.

They said “I would be free.” “I would have so much TIME!” “I would feel open, curious, lighter, exposed.” “I wouldn’t censor myself!” “I would be connected to my true nature.”

If I noticed I need to lose some clutter in my closet, but without a depressed or unhappy feeling…I would start to go through the stuff there, and put some of it in boxes for Goodwill.

If I noticed I need to lose some of my anger, or negative thinking, or someone I’m not enjoying or afraid of….I do The Work, I find out more deeply what bothers me about them or it, that I think I need to lose it.

What would I really have, if I lost it? Peace? Courage? Happiness?

Am I sure I couldn’t have that right now, even though this thing, this sickness, this person, this weight…is here?

Turning the thought around, we sat with the liberating idea: I don’t need to lose weight. MY THINKING needs to lose weight.

“It makes life extremely difficult when you call what you’re doing ‘wrong’, ‘stupid’, or ‘unnecessary’–when you belittle it after it has been done. To compare what you’ve done to what you shoud have done, to think that you need to measure up to some external standard, is a difficult path. What is, is always the way it’s supposed to be right now…” ~ Byron Katie

Much love,

Grace

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It’s Not As Bad As I Thought (How Embarrassing)

Yesterday I saw several medical people, including a surgeon, about this injury I’ve been mentioning.

But today I am not talking about the injury, it’s about another interesting thought that began to invade, while thinking about appointments, hospitals, procedures, xrays, having pins put into bones, and what was going to happen next.

(I’m not getting surgery quite yet, outcome still uncertain).

Last night as I went to bed, I had the thought “what if I don’t even have surgery, at all, for this injury?”

Then just on the heals of that thought, embarrassment.

Like, wait. Everyone thinks I was going to get surgery and that I’m in dire straits, and now….I might just have a chronic injury that’s not getting better, but there may be time to wait and try a experimental injection, and perhaps other alternatives.

Someone very dear had brought me a care package. Someone else was drumming for me. A local church had me on the prayer list. Many people were sending wonderful wishes on facebook.

But what is this uncomfortable feeling?

A little like when a woman says she is pregnant, and receives many well-wishes, and then has a miscarriage.

I’ve had friends before who have had this not uncommon experience.

Some women ride along with it, talk with others, hash out what they imagine will happen next, visit the doctor, try to get pregnant again.

But some women feel…..embarrassed. 

Like they shouldn’t have said anything yet. Like the well-wishes were unfounded, not necessary somehow.

NEXT TIME, they say, they won’t tell they’re pregnant until they are well into the fifth month, or whenever is “safe” to make the announcement.

The stressful feeling descends in….for me I felt undeserving, kind of guilty. I was mistaken. 

  • I shouldn’t have jumped to conclusions based on one doctor’s advice
  • People are worried for me unnecessarily
  • I’m too much of a nervous ninny
  • I’m receiving support that I don’t deserve
  • What a whiner, this pain isn’t THAT bad, I should have realized this
  • I overreacted
  • People are giving me attention I’m unworthy to receive
  • People should help someone else in greater need

Oh, the sinking yuck feeling. Shameful almost.

Let’s take a look at these beliefs and investigate.

Is it true, that I overreacted, I shouldn’t have spoken up, I did it wrong, that I’m not suffering enough to deserve all this attention, focus, support?

Yes! I got carried away in reading on the internet, taking the first doctor’s advice very seriously, jumping to conclusions before having all the information.

I’m not in as bad condition as I thought. That isn’t good. That is BAD. I’ve misled myself and everyone else! God, what a loser!

Deep breath. Really? Can I know absolutely that all this is true?

No. I didn’t know before. I had no idea there were so many differing opinions about my injury. I don’t know if I’ve done it wrong. It’s not true that I am unworthy, or that I’m undeserving. Maybe I’m a nervous ninny, that’s OK.

I never had this happen before–the pain kind of worries me.

But I should be ashamed of myself? No.

“Shame is easily understood as the fear of disconnection. Is there something about me, that if other people know it or see it, that I won’t be worthy of connection.” ~ Brene Brown 

How do I react when I believe the thought that I revealed myself, in that moment, with fear and trepidation, received mountains of incredible support, and now…things are looking a little different.

It’s my fault.

Like getting a diagnosis of cancer, and then finding out it was a false positive.

Why can’t you relax??

How do I react? Embarrassment, shame, confusion, worried about what people will think.

So who would I be without the thought that I should have kept my medical condition to myself for the time being, that I shouldn’t have complained about my pain in public?

I would actually laugh. I would feel the fun of watching thoughts come and go, like a roller coaster ride.

I would notice how human I am, and how I think I’m supposed to know everything before it even happens, and that I got really scared in the last couple of days about surgery and photos of that surgery.

I would see how when I feel pain physically, my mind jumps up and starts working on it ASAP to find relief, and a conclusion, and an answer. This is sort of natural. It’s part of biology.

I turn the thought around: it is a good thing that I responded the way I did? That I reached out for support?

Can I find that to be just as true?

  • I should have jumped to conclusions
  • People are NOT worried for me unnecessarily
  • I’m a regular human nervous ninny sometimes
  • I’m receiving support that I do deserve
  • What an in-touch, aware person, this pain is important, I should have realized exactly what I realized in the last few days
  • I did not overreact
  • People are giving me attention I’m worthy to receive
  • People are already helping people in greater need (I’m not keeping them from that)

Can I feel what it’s like if I didn’t have the belief that I was mistaken and being mistaken is BAD? Something to be ashamed of myself about?

“Thoughts are like the wind or the leaves on the trees or the raindrops falling. They’re not personal, they don’t belong to us, they just come and go. When they’re met with understanding, they’re friends. I love my stories……..

……I love how the mind changes. I watch it and am steadfast in that delight. I love the sweet movement and flavor of mind changing. I move as it moves, without an atom of resistance.” ~ Byron Katie in A Thousand Names for Joy

You never know what is going to happen. Up, down, left, right, life, death, forward, backward, coming, going, injury, healing.

Whatever you thought or said yesterday is sweet, was right at that moment for you and for everyone.

And now is a different day, with new thoughts. A new sweet movement and flavor.

Much love, Grace

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This Body Should Be Different (As In Healed)

The Pain, Sickness and Death telegroup started last night. What a fabulous group of inquirers.

I always say “this is my favorite class!” about every class as it gets underway, but I thought that again.

Because remember that MRI I told you about last week?

I found out my right hamstring is torn and read something in the report like “only a few fibers are connected”.

Visions of floating, ripped, shredded ends-of-hamstring…..with the last threads hooked to the bone ready to get disconnected any minute….popped into my mind.

They should be connected!

Milliseconds later, almost simultaneously, Attack of The Self movie begins. What a ding-bat! I told you I shouldn’t have done that gymnastics move! You are so stupid! 

See!?!

The thoughts come in like a wave. This situation is not good. Things are floating when they should be attached. I’ll never run, jump, dance, do gymnastics the same again. It’s all down hill from here.

But honestly…and I don’t know how this happens except from constantly returning to The Work and inquiring into these fearful beliefs…about 30 seconds later I was wondering what interesting, good, or advantageous thing would come from this?

Bizarre, right?

But thank goodness.

Ask the four questions often enough, and they start to sink in or become more automatic, it seems.

Is it true that this part of the body should be connected to that part of the body?

Is it true that anything that you’ve observed that is separated from something SHOULD be connected to it instead?

I have thought this many, many times, in many situations…dishes that broke in two, relationships that ended, friends or family who I haven’t seen,  buildings where the roof was blown off by a hurricane, divorce, my child leaving home.

It really should have stayed connected. That would be better!

Are you sure?

Yes. This is painful. This costs money. This is hard. This is sad.

Can you absolutely know that it’s true?

Even if you answer “yes” again…carry on. It seems like my hamstring really should be connected to the bone. Although I can’t necessarily know 100%…it would be my preference.

But this is not about MY preference.

Oh. Right.

I can feel what it’s like to believe that any of these things should be connected, as they once were….not separated.

Angry, disturbed, terribly frightened. Visions of what has to happen to fix or repair it.

So who would I be without the thought that the state it is in, apparently disconnected and separated, is TERRIBLE?

I have no idea what this means about the future. I’m way more relaxed. I’m very curious about what the sports medicine doctor says when I see him.

I turn the thought around to the opposite: the hamstring should be disconnected from wherever it’s supposed to attach.

I should be disconnected from that person, that house, that friend. Those dishes should be broken.

I may have no idea why….yet.

But even being open to this turnaround being as true…that is expansive, I’m anticipating with an open mind.

I get to feel that this “body problem” is not so important. Joy is still present. Joy and Peace are still possible, right here, right now, with disconnected hamstrings.

“How do you live when you believe the thought that your body should be different? How does that feel? “I’ll be happy later, when my body is healed.” “I should be thinner, healthier, prettier, younger.” This is a very old religion. If I think my body should be different from what it is now, I’m out of my business. I’m out of my mind!” ~ Byron Katie

WOW! Amazing situation, and I’m living in the middle of it, wondering what will happen next….since it’s up to Reality and the business of Something Bigger….not me.

All I can do is open to what’s next .

My part is inquiring. My part is to open my hands, stop clenching against this situation, to stop feeling like a victim.

“Stop pretending that you are in bondage—stop telling yourself that lie! Stop pretending to be someone, or something! You are no one, you are no-thing! You are not this body or this mind. This body and mind exist within who and what you are. You are pure consciousness, already free, awake, and liberated. Stand up and walk out of your dream. I am here to say that you can do this.” ~ Adyashanti

I can walk out of this dream—and I don’t need a hamstring to do it! Ha!

You can too.

Love, Grace

 

 

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Question Your Thinking, Be Happy With Food

The other day I was waiting in line for lunch food at a deli. The day was bright and sunny, the sky clear, and many people murmuring and talking with one another.

The line was moving a bit slow, and in a non-introverted moment (shocking!) I said hello to the person behind me. She was a sweet woman and as we talked, she said she had lost 80 pounds, several years before. She was happy, and proud of herself, because she had kept all that weight off.

She was the cutest! She showed me a photo of her adorable little dog, on her phone.

I said that it was funny that we met, because I myself had a brutal and troubling relationship with food in my past….and I am SO HAPPY that it’s completely and totally over.

Isn’t it fantastic to have ended that cycle? That it is eliminated from life?

She shook her head “no”. 

“You never terminate the compulsion to eat. You have to be vigilant. You have to make sure to weigh yourself and monitor your food. I know it will be like this for the rest of my life. If I gain a few pounds, I immediately go into hyper-attention mode.”

Woah. OK.

I didn’t say anything about recovering from an eating disorder or any eating issues of any kind, after that. She appeared certain that this was her lot in life…vigilance.

For the rest of the day, off and on, I thought of this brief encounter with a stranger. I had a tender feeling of compassion and sent her a hug through the airways.

Not that she needed my help, because obviously, she had rocked the house and made major changes in her life….

….but long ago when I was sick with the anguish of compulsive overeating, bulimia, self-starvation, and fear of gaining weight…

…I wanted total and complete freedom from the obsession. I believed I could have it.

I never gave that up.

I wanted to go beyond managing my life, my threatening thoughts, and treating myself like I could topple of the edge of the cliff at any moment into a binge….to genuine trust that who I was, at every level, was and expression of love, trust and joy.

Including when it came to the simple act of eating.

The truth is, that now….I’m “normal” when it comes to food, like a person would be who never had any food issues. I never think about food with anxiety or pain. I love eating and do it with gusto.

I threw out my scale twenty years ago, but now, I don’t even “sneak a peak” at the scale when I’m at the gym. It doesn’t occur to me. I have exactly the same clothes, in the same size, for years. I throw worn out clothes away.

It is over, it seems. For years.

So. What’s the catch? How did this happen?

While I can never say 100% (since I am not the ruler of the universe, ha ha) the thing that I HAVE stayed vigilant about, that I DO feel compelled to look at every single day, is my thinking.

And I’m here to say, that when you look and question your negative, repetitive, agonizing thoughts….

….they seem to become less agonizing.

It’s like you’re giving them the respect they deserve.

Last week in one of the Year of Inquiry groups (Yay YOI!) someone said that they sometimes get a little overwhelmed with THOUGHTS.

There are so many! I’ll never get through them all! One falls away, and another one appears!

I get it. It seems true. It really does seem that there are endless amounts of thoughts, beliefs, reactions, observations, or memories that produce suffering.

But can you absolutely know it’s true that there’s no solution?

Oh boy!

Hands clapping because it does NOT seem absolutely, endlessly true! It’s not absolutely true that the mind SHOULD quit thinking, or that life would really be better if I did! Or that I can never find peace, with a mind that is thinking, thinking, thinking!

It’s not even absolutely true that I need to be fearfully vigilant about my thoughts….because they just pop up. They appear.

And now I LOVE working with them.

When I don’t believe they are true, when I don’t repeat them, or when I do The Work on them, they dissolve.

I feel peaceful.

Are you ready to move from discouraged, beaten down, feeling like a failure about your relationship with food, eating and your body….and take a dive into the most painful beliefs you have about eating?

Because that’s what we’re going to do, starting Friday.

We meet via teleclass for 8 weeks (no class December 6th). 9:00 – 10:30 am Pacific time.

Yes, we meet the day after American Thanksgiving because that day is often very important for reflecting on food, festivities, eating, and getting support.

Wherever you are, you can dial in on the phone or with skype.

“How can you know that a particular relationship is good or not? When you are out of sync with goodness, you know it: You aren’t happy. And if a relationship is anything less than good, you need to question your thoughts. It’s your responsibility to find your own way back to a relationship with yourself that makes sense. When you have that sweet relationship with yourself, your partner is an added pleasure. It’s over-the-top grace.” ~ Byron Katie

If you are out of sync with goodness, when it comes to food and eating, then let’s question your thoughts.

You have to want to take a look, to see the pain, to sit with it and see what you’re really thinking, to write it down.

But if I can do it, you can do it too.

I know that when you have that sweet relationship with yourself, then food is an added pleasure in life. Definitely an over-the-top grace.

Every bite an incredible gift.

Click here to register.

Much love, Grace

 

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Welcoming This Ailment As If You Had Invited It

Tomorrow the Pain, Sickness and Death telegroup starts 5:15-6:45 pm Pacific Time. There are still a few spaces! We meet for six weeks.

It’s interesting that this class is starting tomorrow.

Because I’ve had a sore throat and swollen glands and a stuffed up nose. I’m sick!

On this great hierarchy of maladies, it’s the least concerning in most of our minds, right?

I feel the symptoms. My ears hurt a little. I’m not awake at my usual very early morning hour. My voice is off.

But I really don’t know what the actual cause is, specifically, in THIS body. There are simply sensations moving about, changing, aching.

And I have an awareness that the body is making corrections, adjusting, healing, moving something through.

But my mind is not afraid. It’s not thinking “I could die from this”. It’s not thinking “I’ll never recover and live the rest of my life with this pain in my throat”.

It’s not getting all dramatic and going off on tangents trying to find a cure. I don’t feel panic, or sadness.

However, if a doctor or someone I thought of as educated, someone whose opinion I trusted, said “Uh oh. This is a dangerous situation. It’s not just a cold,” I would probably have a jolt of adrenaline run through me.

That’s what happened when I had a little mole biopsied almost seven years ago.

The mole was so small, that this “biopsy” (meaning they take some of the tissue by cutting it off carefully with a very sharp medical knife) practically removed the whole entire mole from my right thigh.

It had been there for about a year. My doctor had said it didn’t look like anything to be alarmed about.

But it grew a little bigger over that year. I kept feeling it all the time, more and more often. This bump in my skin, like the eraser on a small pencil.

The biopsy required four stitches. There was a round ball under the surface of my skin.

My doctor said to come back in a week and she would send the tissue off to a lab so they could analyze it.

The next week, back in the doctor’s office, she came in and said with a smile “let’s get those stitches removed”. I had only had stitches once in my entire life, and that was in 1976 with a broken right ankle after a crazy gymnastics vault landing that required surgery.

I thought about how amazing it was that humans found that the skin is like fabric, and that you can sew it back together.

But then the doctor said “OK, you can put your pants back on and have a seat here, and I’ll be back to talk about the results of the biopsy.”

Oh yeah, the results! Cool!

Wait.

You mean, this is like “results” that have to wait for me to be seated? Not the kind of results that you say while you’re also removing stitches like “everything looks good”.

That doctor hadn’t said any of those light sounding words.

Then it washed through me like a wave crashing.

Damn.

It’s cancer or something. What else grows a “tumor”? It’s cancer. What else requires me to get fully dressed and have a seat?

That all happened within 30 seconds.

She came in. I heard the words “sarcoma” and “….generally see this in people of color”….and “need to go see a surgeon who specializes…”

I couldn’t really hear everything, because my mind was having a heart attack.

That’s one of the moments that was born in my life for The Work, for personal inquiry, for looking at what I was afraid of, that I thought was true.

A few days later, I took out paper, and began writing down my thoughts.

Thoughts about death, treatment, dying, hurting, surgery, the future, the past.

I found out, by doing The Work, that things weren’t as bad as I thought.

Who would I be without the thought that this situation was dangerous, that cancer was life-threatening, that I was doomed?

Not terrified. That’s all I could come up with at first. Not exactly “happy” and welcoming….but NOT TERRIFIED was surprisingly better than terrified.

Who would I be without the thought that cancer was horrifying, the worst that could happen?

On a continuum that carried forward into the unknown. On a mystery ride.

Just like everyone else.

“Loving what is, is not kinda liking what is, or kind of appreciating what is, it’s not accepting what is….it is good. It is really exciting.” ~ Byron Katie

If you want to take an interesting journey into questioning beliefs about sickness, physical ailments, pain that seems to hurt, cancer, death…then come join the telegroup starting tomorrow. Click here to register.

You do not have to have something serious occurring in your life, or be a survivor of some kind of trauma….

….you can simply notice that you have fearful, annoyed, angry, or very painful beliefs about physical threats, conditions, or circumstances.

You notice you are interested in honestly questioning these beliefs about living inside a vulnerable body.

Who knows, whatever ails you may be your spiritual path.

I know it’s been mine.

I’d love you to join me in inquiry, to end the fearful thinking.

“Welcome the present moment as if you had invited it. It is all we ever have, so we night as well work with it rather than struggling against it. We might as well make it our friend and teacher rather than our enemy.” ~ Pema Chodron

Love, Grace

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Finding Your Out-of-Control Place

Last night as I drove my car, my attention was drawn to my right hamstring and the pain that had recently increased, rather than decreased.

The pain is supposed to be going DOWN. Not UP.

It was hurting just to sit in my nice sheep-skin padded car seat. I had to lean way to the left and shift around constantly.

My mind started to replay the scene of the crime. The incident.

OK, so if I landed like THAT when trying to do the gymnastics move, then the weight would be like THIS and it must have pulled on THAT and yanked on THIS….

…What muscle, bone, tendon thing got pulled????

My mind thinks it can find out the answer, and therefore get closer to a solution, if it knows EXACTLY what happened.

There in the quiet car, I smiled for a moment when I realized that this happens with emotional pain as well.

There’s an incident. A blow. Mean words. A shock.

Something feels “ouch”.

Then there is a bracing against the pain. Sometimes a huge wall is built against that pain, closing off all fun, pleasure, relaxation and happiness.

As time passes, following the event, the mind returns over and over again to other scenes….how we could have avoided this, how we can prevent it from ever, ever happening again in the future.

It’s sooooo stressful to be so cautious, careful, nervous, and hurt.

I remembered, in the quiet car, that I could do The Work on the frustration and disappointment with this physical “problem”.

It’s a problem…is it true?

Are you kidding me? Of course it’s a problem! I am not supposed to be in pain! This must be fixed! NOW. Something is wrong!

But can you absolutely know that it’s true that this is a problem?

A woman I worked with recently who has been suffering because her partner left her answered YES, this is absolutely a problem.

NOTHING good about this. Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing.

But could I know this about my hurting ham string? What a strange question.

It is so assumed that pain is a problem, and the goal is to never have it.

Physical or emotional.

But I know that in my life, some of the most painful, excruciating experiences ever led to peace, success, trust and love that I had no idea could exist.

I’m not sure what benefits could come from a hamstring injury…but I have the feeling, from doing The Work for awhile now, that there’s been one.

Which might mean it’s not exactly an absolute problem.

So, no. I don’t know for sure.

But even if you answer “yes” that you know it is absolutely true that you have a major problem….keep going through the steps of inquiry.

How do you react when you believe you are hurt, and it’s horrible?

I believe life sucks. I ask God/Source why it’s set up like this (I have doubts and I’m very suspicious). I think “I’m so vulnerable”.

I feel sorry for myself. I feel *rage* and despair. I try to ignore what happened, or the pain I feel.

I don’t call the doctor. I give up.

So….ready? Who would you be without the thought that this is such a problem? Without the thought that this is terrible, long-lasting, never-ending? That you can’t get over this?

Without the thought, my pain feels sort of…..interesting.

I notice I’m breathing, living, able to work, teaching my teleclasses, going about my world to the library, the market, flying on airplanes, doing stuff on the computer.

I’m not actually thinking of my pain 24/7.

Sometimes I’m asleep!

Turning the thought around, I consider that this pain, this diagnosis, this condition, this situation, this event…..is NOT a problem.

What if it’s a solution?

Well, I’ve changed around my gym routine entirely and notice I like doing something new. I’m stretching more.

I stand more often, instead of sit and slouch. My back is happier.

I met really nice people at the physical therapy place, I learned a bunch of stuff about legs, bones, hips, muscles. I’m considering going swimming for the first time in 20 years—and I used to swim competitively.

How could I live this turnaround, trusting that something is inviting me to a new experience, a new life, a new place?

Wow. That is VERY exciting to think of what this could be offering my life, drawing me to do differently.

What if this situation is beckoning me to an alternative, a change in my mind, surrender, relax, rest, wait, be?

“Now sweetheart, close your eyes, and go to the place where you are very, very ill. You feel like vomiting. You’re in terrible nausea. Now see if you can locate the place that doesn’t care. The place that really isn’t bothered by it. It’s there. See if you can locate it–the part of you that is unaffected. The part of you that just watches. Go back to the last time you were in so much pain and see if you can locate it…..Go back with it again. It’s apart–no matter how much pain you’re in–it’s witnessing, watching….That’s the one that cares nothing for control. So let that one grow. It cares nothing for control.” ~ Byron Katie 

Could there be a place in you where there is no concern for this situation?

I can find it.

If you’re interested in studying pain, sickness and death…I would love for you to join me on a six week teleclass journey beginning Tuesday, October 29th 5:15-6:45 pm pacific time. Register Here to Join Me!

There’s no guarantee of changing anything physically. You know this. But you may find the incredible lightness that can occur with a change in the mind!

Pain After The Work
“During the retreat I did work on pain. The next week I ceased taking a variety of pain medicine. All over the counter & prescription medication as well as more stronger stuff like opium & Kava. The result of that action was a dramatic reduction in body pain! Who’d a thunk it!” ~ Washington

Love, Grace

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Peace Requires Only One Person–You

The other day an acquaintance, who I only know from a monthly meeting we both attend, said to me while filling me in on her recent long travels “Now, I can’t even button up my pants, the food was so good, I’m such a pig, ugh.”

People say disparaging things about themselves all the time, but my ears especially hear the ones where they are self-critical about their weight.

I often feel momentarily stumped on how to respond.

If she could only see herself through my eyes! I saw someone worried yet capable, curious and interested in another way, in that moment.

Some of us know folks who say mean things out loud about themselves all the time: she’s my better half, I was such an idiot, I never remember the important things, I’m horrible at directions, get me around some chocolate cake and its absolutely gone, I can’t keep that stuff in my house….

….or what about our children? There they are with big crocodile tears rolling down their cheeks saying “I can’t do it! It’s too hard!”

There is a term “My heart goes out to her”.

I see a heart leaving my body and shooting over to that other suffering person, like the way the Jack-In-The-Box jumps out of the box.

BOINNNNGGGGG!

Then tears well up in the throat, a feeling of warmth and speed throughout the whole torso (maybe where the heart used to be, who knows).

Hand-wringing, sadness, I need to help, this person shouldn’t feel bad.

Examining that feeling, and seeing the connected thoughts, is a great exercise in understanding how to change your experience of Other People’s Pain.

Because it’s not peaceful. I’d rather my heart was back here, inside me.

Afterall, I need it to stay alive!

  • they are suffering and it’s hard, terrible, sad, agonizing
  • I need to comfort them
  • I should say something soothing
  • I should say something that gets them to calm down, stop being critical, changes their perspective
  • they should see that they are capable
  • they need support of SOME kind, if not me, they really do need help

This doesn’t mean that doing these things is not appropriate, natural or loving in those moments….

….it’s just watching yourself move into any kind of panic, nervousness, worry or sadness along with that person.

Is it true that this person, who is feeling bad, complaining, uncertain, scared, or even suicidal….is it true that they need help from me, from someone, right now ASAP?

Is it true that if they don’t get help, it will get worse, or the very worst WILL happen?

Yes! Something’s gotta give! This can’t go on! That person has been suffering on and off for most of their life!

Isn’t it obvious?

Hmm. Is it really true that they need help, or that you know what kind?

Is this person really a victim?

No. I can’t absolutely know that this is true.

So how do you react when you believe that they really need help, they should stop being so self-defeating, they must have support…or else…?

Oh the pain!

I’m sad! I think about them, even when they are not here. I might even think of them in the middle of the night.

I brainstorm solutions. I go through the list in my mind of who might be the best “helper”. I think things like “that person should do The Work!!” 

Yikes! It is very, very stressful!

Who would you be without the beliefs that they are not capable, they are a victim, there is a problem here that needs to be solved, that there suffering must be stopped…immediately!?

Watching, interested, focused, attentive. Looking at life unfolding itself, in the form of that person, in that moment.

Noticing that something comes to me to say, or not.

Aware that support is alive…everywhere. I’m not the one running things. I have no idea that this path is the “wrong” one for that person.

Without the thought, I also notice that I don’t flip to the opposite spectrum of reaction, either…the infamous “cut-off” approach….the “you’re a loser so I’m dropping you forever” approach.

I turn the thoughts around:

  • I am suffering and it’s hard, terrible, sad, agonizing as I look at them this way
  • I need to comfort myself, I do not need to comfort them
  • I should not say anything
  • I should say what is true in this present moment
  • they should not see that they are capable, I should see that they are capable
  • they have support of all the universe, they don’t need my personal help unless I can easily and peacefully give it

“True autonomy is not trying to fit in or be understood, nor is it a revolt against anything. It is an uncaused phenomenon. Consciously or unconsciously all beings aspire to it, but very few find the courage to step into that infinity of aloneness.” ~ Adyashanti

To find out who I really am without the belief that my heart goes out to someone…..in a painful, sad, stressed, desperate way.

Incredible. Mystery. Infinity of Aloneness.

All is well. Maybe not as scary as you thought.

“Peace doesn’t require two people; it requires only one. It has to be you. The problem begins and ends there.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love, Grace

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I Should Be Loving? Not True

I should….I need to….I have to….I will….

Most of us know from experience that ordering ourselves around doesn’t seem to work too well.

I’ve spoken with many people who have given up making New Year’s resolutions, or who have stopped putting themselves diets, or who have allowed more time for quiet in their lives where they make zero plans.

But one tricky, tricky little place of the shoulds, need-to’s, have-to’s, and making plans for turning over a new leaf or mapping out your goals is in Being Spiritual.

I shall explain.

After doing The Work for awhile, probably at least a couple of years, I had a major revelation.

There was one individual who I didn’t really have much trouble with. But I didn’t exactly like her or want to be her friend.

Her voice bothered me. I would describe it as “plastic”.

I would see her regularly at a board meeting. If she started talking I would get a sort of feeling inside like oh-lord-when-will-she-stop?

After doing self-inquiry on it a couple of times I found, back then, that I definitely judged her for being too cutesy, bright and smiley….

…..because I myself had been cutesy, bright and smiley sometimes when inside I felt angry, upset and like frowning.

In other words, I absolutely found the turnarounds to be as true, that as I looked at her, the fake-nice thing I perceived in her that came out in her voice was actually something I had done, many times.

And then it dawned on me that I expected myself to be drawn to her, consider her a friend, and say “yes” to her if she asked me out for tea.

I had believed for a very long time in the following shoulds/needs/have-to’s/ and that I ought to “will” myself to be more spiritual:

  • I should love everyone
  • I need to be nice, soft, unassuming, humble
  • I should say “yes” if people ask me to spend time with them
  • I have to be polite, say thank you, excuse me, and I’m sorry
  • I will pray, meditate, read spiritual books and get myself together as a loving, enlightened, good human
  • I should at LEAST accept everyone (if I can’t get it together to love them)
  • I shouldn’t be so nit-picky, mean, judgmental, rude, bossy (even on the inside)
  • I need to apologize, be sweet, kind, generous, charitable, and self-less
  • I have to be spiritual!

The bumper sticker did not say “What would Grace Bell do?”

It said “What would Jesus do?!”

Because what I would do was mundane, or stupid, not quite good enough! Or unloving! Or selfish! I must train, train, train in spiritual endeavors!

Phew!

So let’s take a look.

I need to love (or accept) everyone.

Is it true?

Yes! That would be awesome! A loving person would not hate someone’s voice. How petty is that? Jeez, get it together!

Is it true that you should not have preferences, that you shouldn’t be repulsed, or attracted to people?

Is it true that you should love everyone?

A spiritual teacher called Mooji once said during a satsang that when Jesus went into the temple where people were busy selling things, which he found disgraceful, he was not exactly there to be loving.

Word has it that Jesus knocked over the tables of the merchants.

Gandhi called for the British to withdraw from India and led a huge national protest.

Rosa Parks refused to give up her seat on the bus.

Well, now that you put it that way….

…..No, it’s not absolutely true that every moment I should love and accepteveryone.

How do I react when I believe the thought that I should?

I notice that I have a limited definition of “love” and “acceptance”.

I think it’s supposed to look sweet, kind and gentle. I think it’s supposed to mean saying “yes”.

When I believe that I should be “loving” I am thinking I should not be angry. I should not interrupt. I should send cards. I should say please and thank you.

When I believe the thought that I ought to loving and accepting, I don’t speak up, I avoid people who bring up negative feelings inside me.

I also think everyone else around me should feel happy and good, in my presence!

I get up out of my seat on the bus because that’s the way everyone has done it and I don’t want to cause a ruckus.

When I believe that I should be loving and I think I already know what loving looks like, I don’t say “No, I do not want to talk to you. No, I don’t want to go out with you” when that’s what is really true for me.

So who would I be without the thought that I should love everyone? That Ishould be accepting at all times?

I would be free to be myself….not someone different.

I would be here, today, in this body, in this personality, noticing that I really find that woman’s voice over there unpleasant.

I also don’t like heavy metal.

Without the demand that I should love everyone, I’m back over here in my own business, noticing that I like blue more than red.

I turn these thoughts around about love and acceptance, and notice, this is real, wild, open freedom:

  • I should NOT love everyone, when I don’t
  • I need to be abrasive, hard, strong, forthright, fiery
  • I should say “no” if people ask me to spend time with them and I don’t want to
  • I have to be honest, and say thank you, excuse me, and I’m sorry only when these are TRUE
  • I pray, meditate, read spiritual books because I am already a loving, enlightened, good human….and none of these things are necessary
  • I do accept everyone (if I can’t get it together to love them) and it doesn’t mean I have to hang out with them or like them
  • I should be nit-picky, mean, judgmental, rude, bossy–these qualities bring awareness, they are fascinating!
  • I only need to apologize, be sweet, kind, generous, charitable, and self-less if these things arise naturally
  • Everything I am IS spiritual!

“No one who thinks ‘I should love myself’ knows what love is. Love is what we are already. So to think that you should love yourself when you don’t is pure delusion. Isn’t the turnaround truer? ‘I shouldn’t love myself’. How do you know that you shouldn’t love yourself? You don’t! That’s it, for now. The truth is no respecter of spiritual concepts. ‘I should love myself’—ugh, on what planet? Love is not a doing. There is nothing you have to do. And when you question your mind, you can see that the only thing that keeps you from being love is a stressful thought.” ~ Byron Katie

WOW! Not trying to be spiritual? Not trying to be loving and accepting? Just seeing what the actual truth is?

Yes.

Maybe a little scary at first, but it is OK. It’s very exciting.

You might start your own little personal revolution.

You might ask yourself with loving curiosity “What Would I Do?”

Much love, Grace

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What is Happy For YOU?

If you’ve ever done The Work before, you’re familiar with the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet (check out this link HERE to get one right now).

It’s the first part of the work, where you actually identify what stressful thoughts are running in your head, and write them down.

However, there’s a pre-first-step BEFORE this one.

Before you do anything else, in order to narrow the field, weed out the thoughts, and get clearer on the jumble of stressful thinking going on in the mind….

….you bring to mind a stressful situation, a difficult time, a troubling person, a rough encounter.

Since no one has had a really constantly low-key, uneventful, peaceful life…you will remember many stressful situations, maybe hundreds.

But for this very first step? You pick just ONE.

You may have experienced loss, death, frustration at work, unbearable anxiety, a broken heart, an illness, a rough relationship, divorce, physical injury, fear about your kids….

….the list can be long, with many characters and issues and stories ofsomething being stressful.

But the best help in the world you can give yourself for deeply looking at your inner condition and getting yourself off the Stress Roller Coaster is to pick ONE TROUBLING SITUATION.

Even if it leaves out 852 other stressful topics. Just pick one for today.

Then, once you have a vision of that situation, the one that makes you frown, or feel sad, or hurt, or angry when you think about it….you fill out the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet.

Which brings me to the wonderful exploration I love: the fourth question on that Judge Your Neighbor worksheet!

What the heck would really, really, really make me happy, in that agonizing situation?

How would I have liked it to go, instead, if I got everything I needed?

The focus is on what would make YOU happy in this situation.

Not the other person, or other people, involved.

YOU.

Which brings us to the most fascinating exploration of all: what do we mean when we say “happy?”

I recently remembered something Byron Katie mentions from time to time. That we often imagine what we need or want, in difficult situations we’ve experienced, that would make us feel relief, safety.

We know what would make us happy in that difficult situation so that we would feel better.

But we don’t always consider what would make us ecstatic, life-changing, thrilled, joyful, complete, resolved, or truly happy.

I can relate.

Why go for all that wild, crazy unimaginable joy? I just want to feel OK and not so terrified, I’ll take what I can get.

If I could just feel some stress reduction, I’ll be OK. Beyond that I might never get true happiness, I might never achieve it.

I don’t want to dream of true happiness but NOT EVER get it in this situation!

It would be impossible to achieve it anyway! That situation happened in the past, it was terrible, and now its over! Happiness and that experience do not mix!

And yet….

….everyone has experienced a moment of true happiness. Just like the way we all have lived through stressful situations, we’ve lived through very happy ones.

I love remembering the joy of feeling satisfied, accepting, healthy, calm, relaxed, fulfilled, peaceful, trusting, or full of love.

On that question four on the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet, while you remember a painful situation…it’s wonderful to identify what you believe you really, really need in order to arrive at happiness.

It’s a golden key to discovering what you believe about happiness, and by comparison, see how that situation you’re thinking about didn’t match your idea of happiness.

If you’re having trouble remembering when you have felt full of happiness, watching this clip from one of my favorite all-time movies may inspire you.

Keep going, keep inquiring.

Happiness is present, here and now. Telling a joyful, happy story is possible, even when encountering the “worst” situations.

The moment of Happiness
The moment of Happiness

Much love, Grace

 

 

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Pain Brings The Most Alluring Thing

Yesterday I had a moment when in about 10 seconds I had the thoughts: “it’s all over from here…there will be a time I can never dance again…I have a limited time left on the planet”.  

I was feeling hip pain. From my gymnastics move about a month ago.

The right hamstring was injured, but now the left hip hurts since I’ve been favoring it, walking kinda weird, and ignoring it half the time.

Through my mind ran the following thoughts:

  • this pain will never go away
  • the writing’s on the wall…if hips are hurting, I’m on my way to the end
  • I have to finish my book before I croak! Quick!
  • I’ll never see my kids’ in their old age (so weird the way that works)
  • I need more time
  • one day, I will not enter this dance studio any more, I’ll be dead

Then I thought about the great sage Ramana Maharshi for about ten minutes, as I have many times before, and his story of at age 16, lying down on the floor and pretending he was dead, just to see what it felt like.

BOOM. He saw what he was without a body.

So where’s my ecstatic “boom”? Seeing who I am without a body is kind of attractive at the moment!

I’m way older than 16 and I don’t have to pretend really, to get the sense that it’s over soon, and I’m going to be dead at some point.

But it pretty much feels like I’m stuck in this sack of flesh, for now, to put it bluntly.

Not that I hate the body…in fact, it’s genius, kind, accepting, miraculous and completely fascinating. Hurts, heals, changes.

Off and on throughout the day I feel the dull pain and I think about who I am before my parents were born, the zen koan.

I’m not even TRYING to concentrate on seeing from the perspective of No Body and Who-I-Truly-Am and all that rot. Yet, I’m thinking about this anyway!

There’s that silly mind again. On the job attempting to figure it out.

The voiceover from an old TV ad for Trix Cereal comes in, where the rabbit is doing everything he possibly can to get that awesome cereal, and he just can’t seem to outwit the situation and have what he wants.

The rabbit tries many maneuvers….and then discovers that he’s been trying to get something that is actually not possible for him to “get”.

Because he’s a rabbit. 

“Silly Rabbit”, the children say when they realize he’s been up to multiple shenanigans trying to acquire their cereal….“Trix Are For Kids!” 

Silly Mind! Awareness is not for you! 

But what IS for the mind, thank goodness, is The Work. At least, so far this mind seems to delight in it.

This mind (and yours probably, too) just LOVES to answer questions.

So let’s take a look at the troubling little thoughts about the body that have appeared from this message of pain apparently originating in a human hip.

Are these thoughts actually true that have been streaming through this mind? That the pain will never go away and it’s all downhill from here?

Well, I could be completely pain free (in fact, come to think of it right in this moment, on the same day only a few hours later as I write, I don’t feel pain).

And no, I don’t have to finish my book before I croak, or see my kids in their old age.

And it’s possible I don’t need more time….and it’s absolutely true that one day I won’t enter the dance studio anymore.

I mean, I am going to die….at least the physical body will.

But what if all this wasn’t a BAD BAD thing?

I mean, how I react when I believe these thoughts, and believe they are alarming, is that I am instantly afraid, nervous, planning, calculating, and grasping at all kinds of strategies for softening this situation, either emotionally, mentally or physically.

I’m the rabbit BEFORE he finds out the tricks are not for him. Ha!

Without the thought, however, that any of this pain, injury, change, death, departure or ending is terrible in the great big scheme of things….

….wow.

I am so curious, and interested in All This, including whatever Pain appears to be. (Is it energy? What is it?)

I remember that every time I enter the dance studio, I am different, so I’ve already lived the story of having no dance ever be repeated.

Without the thought, I see there is nothing guaranteed, nothing steady, nothing gained and lost, because nothing sticks anyway.

Without believing things are getting worse, I am excited to see what this body does, what it’s like, what happens next.

I’m psyched about the story unfolding. What will she do now?

Oh look, she went to physical therapy, she made a massage appointment, she slowed down and held still all day, she scheduled the book-writing time on her calendar.

She went to the dance studio and remembered the sweet friends who will never come there again, as they have already crossed over into death, and that we’ll all follow.

“The only way to get out of this is to see through it. Don’t renounce it, see through it. Understand its true value and you won’t need to renounce it; it will just drop from your hands. But of course, if you don’t see that, if you’re hypnotized into thinking that you won’t be happy without this, that or the other things, you’re stuck.” ~ Anthony DeMello 

Turning everything around, I see how this is all very wonderful, and nothing is ever truly permanently ending, and everything is always beginning, and fading away…

….and things are getting better. Could be just as true.

  • this pain will always go away; emotional, physical, all of it
  • I’m on my way to the end, to the beginning, who knows
  • I don’t have to finish my book, in fact when I die there will be tons of things unfinished, that’s the way of it
  • I have no idea how much of my kids’ lives I’ll see or not see, it’s a mystery and doesn’t seem up to me
  • I need less time! Whew, what a relief!
  • one day, I will not enter this dance studio any more, I’ll be dead. Woohoo! What, did I want to dance here forever? That’d be weird.

“No-thing-ness…as much as that doesn’t make sense to the mind, is the most alluring thing of all.” ~ Adyashanti

I hear the rain pattering outside, drink an incredible taste of water, read a sweet text from my daughter, look into the vast gray sky, and for just a second my throat wells up with tears of gratitude.

Then even that passes and in this emptiness I am stunned to find gratitude also for the pain.

How else would I have been considering the mystery of life and death, and All This today?

Much Love, Grace