Tag: Byron Katie

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Stressful Money Head Case Thinking

Wow, thank you so very much to everyone who came to the telesession on Money yesterday morning.

If the conference was full when you tried to connect, fear not. You can listen (and watch) the whole thing right HERE.

If you follow along on the recording, you may find insights into your own thinking about money that you had not seen before. As you listen, you can get out your pen and paper and write with the prompts….and listen to other people’s answers.

It’s amazing how simply taking time to sit still to examine beliefs offers awareness. Often, I have had to enlist guidance of others to help me stay still and focus.

That busy, quick mind just loves to bounce and skip around to multiple stressful thoughts and situations….too many to actually inquire into! Tricky mind!

So, having you all come together is beyond inspiring, loving and supportive. I can’t say enough about this vital element of group connection and focus for successfully questioning the mind!

When I was nearly out of money, had been using my credit card to pay my mortgage, and was frantically looking for a job….

….with only a small amount of funds left in my bank account, I set aside $300 and hired a facilitator of The Work.

It almost seemed like a dumb idea. Didn’t I need that money to buy groceries?

This woman I contacted had a few people who she offered facilitation to, in her busy schedule, at a donation/sliding scale fee. I asked her if she could meet with me for ten sessions for that small amount.

She said yes.

Her name is Martha Creek, and I’m forever grateful for her kind, humorous, direct facilitation.

I had so many thoughts, such anxiety, waves of panic, and terrible images that I couldn’t sit still long enough all by myself to do The Work (I could have questioned that…but at the time, it did not seem true that I could sit still).

One night, I dialed the phone for her number, feeling somewhat hopeless and lost about what else I could question. We were having our 7th session together.

The lights were turned out for both my children. I had the entire night ahead of me, and I really wanted to sleep for some of it, instead of staying awake fretting about how to get more money.

I went into my bedroom and shut the door.

I wasn’t entirely sure The Work was working…and yet, something kept me at it.

I knew in my heart that my thoughts were dictating my reality. I knew my thoughts were so freaked out, I couldn’t see clearly. I also knew that I wanted to know the Truth, not demand that my life go the way I thought best.

Martha asked me to describe a little more what my greatest fear was if I did not somehow secure some money, or an income, SOON.

What would really, really happen then?

I would go live with my mother. She had a house big enough for me to move into her basement. I would move there with my children. She was completely open to this, she had said so.

“You are always welcome in my home if you can’t make it on your own,” she had told me several months before.

I thought of this as a terrible, horrific failure. How could a woman in her 40s, newly divorced, move in with her MOTHER? How awful, how devastating, what a loser, I had thought.

Through my work that night, I questioned my thinking that this was the worst thing that could ever happen when it came to having no money.

“What would be the benefits to moving into your mom’s house?” Martha asked.

Woah. Benefits? Seriously?

I waited. I knew they had to be there, in this world of duality. Nothing is ever 100% terrible.

That night, because Martha stayed with me in a way that I couldn’t stay there for myself, I found the opportunity I would have for being close to my mom, for resolving little anxieties I had about being with her all the time.

I saw how fun it might be to share a cozy room with my two kids. I delighted in thinking of being in a different location and exploring new streets, new shops, new sidewalks.

Maybe all was well. Maybe relying on others was not the disaster I thought.

In the telesession about Money yesterday, several people identified this same troubling belief….

….that relying on others around anything to do with Money is horrible, and necessary, at the same time.

What if you drop the “horrible” part?

Years later now, I look back at that time that I worked so hard on money, and know that something shifted for me dramatically during that session on moving in with my mother.

I stopped being afraid of what would happen next.

I called up my mom the very next day and said “Wow, mom, what would it really be like for you if I moved in? What would you need and want? I’d like to tell you what I would need and want. Instead of feeling like a failure…maybe it would be a success! What do you think, mom?”

We had one of the best conversations we had about money and the little intricacies of living together that we ever had. Honest communication.

Not long after this, my new boyfriend gave me what he called the Birthday Bucket, a donation of money, for my birthday, from people all over the world who knew me. People I hadn’t seen in years even.

(More on that story in a past Grace Note HERE if you want to read that story.)

That donation carried me through another entire month of expenses. During that month, I got a job.

I never had to move in with my mother.

But I’m positive, it would have been OK had it gone that way. I wouldn’t have been a failure.

That was all in my head.

If you’d like to do some in-depth work on money, earning, promoting yourself (if you’re in business or even if you’re looking for a job) then come join me on Thursdays, for 8 weeks, to do The Work on Money with a small group.

We meet 8 – 9:30 am Pacific Time. Click HERE to sign up, or hit reply and write me if you have a question.

Tortures of Obsessive Thinking About Money Gone                                              “Can I really take a class on earning money and have the tortures of of my obsessive thinking about it let go, even a little? Eight weeks later, the answer turns out to be, yes!    
What I am taking away from our work together, is that my source of support does not come from black scratchings on a piece of (bank statement) paper. My bed rock of support is already here, within and without, all around me. Thanks for the thought provoking questions, blog posts and your own findings through out the class.” ~ JD, Money Teleclass Participant   

With Love, Grace

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Money, Selling, and Getting Ripped Off

I am doing a telesession on Money. I’ve been thinking about money a lot and assessing my own relationship with money, especially since I’m teaching my 8 week teleclass starting Tuesday mornings next week.

You can join the session on Sunday, Dec. 1st 8:30 am even if you have no interest in ever taking the teleclass on money…this is a chance to gather together as a group and move through some of the exercises I’ve built in order to understand, relieve confusion, and experience greater peace with money.

Your comments and experience will help refine the inquiry process. Plus if you ARE interested in signing up for the class, you’ll get a taste for it and see if you like it.

And I won’t sell sell sell (ha ha).

Now, the irony of saying this doesn’t escape me. On a call about money.

I’ve noticed the great discomfort, resistance, irritation and fear around “selling” or promoting, marketing, announcing one’s wares or services.

Selling appears to be defined as trying to convince, persuade, get someone to buy something. I looked up the origin of the word and it comes in part from a Norse word to “give up”.

A suspicion arises…someone “trying” to sell me something means that person is going to only tell me the good stuff, not the bad stuff. They’re going to leave things out, be dishonest, have a personal agenda to “get” from me.

I remember many years ago going into a place that opened in my neighborhood that taught physical fitness, yoga and well-being. The business model was that a person became a member and signed a contract.

I went through the schpeel. I wanted the fitness and yoga classes. It was very convenient to my house.

There was a manager sort of person, with notebooks and financial amounts written on papers that were then crossed off, and a final amount for lifetime membership and lists of all the benefits I would have by being involved.

The thing is, I had already decided when I went in that I wanted to join….then there was all this extra rigamarole and I took home a contract. When reading the fine print, and what was expected, I realize it all just seemed too weird and permanent. Something fishy.

I drove back up the next day, and I’m the one that had to do a lot of convincing this time, eventually to another manager, to get out of the contract.

I had to write a letter and sign it and get it notorized in order to officially drop this payment plan I had signed up for! I didn’t really understand.

I never got to take one single class….and it left a really weird taste in my mouth about that place. I secretly said “good” when I saw the company fold and leave the building.

But who would I be without the thought that I might get duped, tricked, enlist in something that doesn’t work, lose, or come out no better than when I started?

Who would I be without the thought that I could be fooled, or conned out of money?

I’d notice how much I care about honesty, integrity, and staying in touch with my inner yes or no. I’d notice how money comes and goes and I have a deep inner awareness of participating in all that.

I see how all these dear humans are trying their best, and notice how I am also doing my best…and we all don’t really have absolute answers.

I turn the thought around that I was pushed, that those people tried to “get” me against my better judgment….

….and I see my part in the drama.

In that situation with the wellness yoga center, the truth is…they didn’t trick me.

I tricked them. I didn’t say right in the middle of the conversations what I was thinking: “what’s all this with the sales pitch? I just want to take some classes? is everything OK around here, because something feels a little off?”

“Is there anyone in this room that has never been supported? Including you, sweetheart? I invite everyone in this room to find one time when you were not supported. It’s not possible. There’s no time in your life when you have not been supported. I’ve never met any human being that can find one moment that they were not supported. On your own! With or without a job. Can anyone find one moment when they were not supported? [Pause] I can’t either.” ~ Byron Katie

Even in the moment when someone tried to RIP ME OFF….

….is it possible I was supported? Even if money moved from my pocket over to theirs, never to return?

Yes. I’ve learned to stay, wait, slow down, not make any desperate quick decisions. I’ve learned that there are no emergencies for money.

These things I learned could only come about through these experiences.

And now…I’m learning once again to expose myself and what I offer, be real, be honest, invite people to join me in self-inquiry and that sometimes no money is exchanged, sometimes money is exchanged, and the money coming and going is all doing what it does, peacefully.

Without my mind and my thinking getting too involved.

When it does….I can question it!

Click HERE to jump over to the link to sign up for the Money Inquiry on Sunday. 20 people can attend live via phone, to do The Work and participate actively, then many more can listen via their computer. You choose which you prefer!

Either way, it’ll be fun and interesting.

With Love, Grace

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I Love Wanting Vs I Hate Not Having

It was a very hot summer day in August, with green lush watered grass in the back yard and a cool white cement patio, with the picnic table set for my sister’s birthday party.

She was turning 8. I was 9.

I had been aware of party preparations all morning. My mom had returned with a Baskin Robbins ice cream cake in a big pink box. 

My feelings were very unsettled. Back then, as a kid, it never would have occurred to me to see my own feelings as a part of me. They were ALL of me.

As guests began to arrive, I started frowning. How come she gets an ice cream cake? I’ve never had one of those for MY birthday.

She’s getting a lot of presents, too. All shapes and sizes. Some of them are really big. They’re starting to take up space at the end of the patio table.

I went into my room and picked up the book I was part way through, sitting on my bedside table.

Three minutes later I went back out again. I could hardly stand watching all the guests and presents and activity building, and yet I could hardly stand NOT watching all the guest and presents and activity building.

I didn’t know what this was called at the time. Envy. 

These feelings were the result of some very stressful thoughts. The kinds of thoughts I would never admit to later on, as an adult, not even to myself.

  • she gets more than me
  • I’m missing out and there is no way for me to get what she has
  • there is not enough attention, love, care for me
  • I have nothing by comparison
  • I’m not good enough
  • I must do something, change this situation, win
  • I am very selfish for having these thoughts and feelings
  • there is something wrong with me

Ooooh. Double Bad. Not Enough and Something Wrong all at once.

The whole afternoon I went back and forth between my bedroom and the party, never participating in any of the games, and not taking a place at the beautifully decorated table with place names and little cups of candy.

The way I felt inside you would think I was watching  a horror movie. Especially as my sister opened all the presents. 

Oh god, not a BARBIE doll….oh no, a complete new outfit? Oh jeez, not a Partridge Family poster. 

She is so, so lucky lucky lucky and I am NOT.

And then. The worst. 

She unwrapped a medium sized box shape of gorgeous white paper with yellow, pink and blue streamers on it. A tape recorder. And a package of blank tapes. 

I stamped my foot from the edge of the patio, turned on my heel, and left in a huge fury. 

I WANT THAT!!!!!!!

Oh if only I had a way to stop and question my thinking at the time. But I can do it now, from the future (which is now the present).

Is it true that my sister has, and I have not, in that situation? Is it true that I am going without, and that it is terrible that today is not my birthday?

Yes. That’s how I felt. Yes. It is TERRIBLE.

Can I absolutely know that this is true, that I have nothing, that these gifts mean I am not receiving, that I don’t have something wonderful, and that I could never get it?

Oh. Now that you put it that way….not at all true. 

The way I react when I notice, with a vengeance, that I am lacking something is that I want to scream and I feel hopeless, frightened, full of pure comparison. It’s like fear of Not Having and Never Getting.

Who would I be without the thought that I am bereft, without, less than? Without the thought that there’s a competition going on?

This is a very important question. To truly imagine NO LACK in this moment. 

Who would I be without the thought that someone else has more, and that it MEANS I’m not getting it?

I allow this moment, this memory, to melt in without the thought that there is anything wrong….I smile so wide. I notice flashing images of many other moments, later in life, even as an adult (Yes, I confess!) when I saw someone else who apparently had much more, and felt uncomfortable.

But now, here, without that thought that any of this means anything, that it means I’m not getting something EVER, or that I’m not good enough, or unlucky, or being forced to go without.  

It is so very exciting, without the thought! The colors, the beauty, the joy, the buzz, the creativity, the wonder, the excitement, the possibilities!

  • we get the same of what is truly important and valuable, the same
  • I’m gaining awareness and I am getting everything I need and beyond, I am getting new ideas, I am seeing the pleasure of this world
  • there is enough attention, love, care for me
  • I have everything! This comparison is thrilling!
  • I am good enough to be here, being myself, without it being MY birthday
  • I must do nothing, enjoy this situation, lose
  • I am normal for having these thoughts and feelings
  • there is something right with me, as an observer

“Come, seek, for search is the foundation of fortune:  every success depends upon focusing the heart.” ~ Rumi

 

If you are interested in celebrating the joy of desire, and investigating your thoughts of lack or having less….come join the 8 week MONEY teleclass starting Tuesday morning! You’ll be glad you did! 

Write grace@workwithgrace.com if you want to talk about partial scholarship help or have other questions or are ready to register. Just hit Reply to this email.

“We all move at our own speed.” ~ Byron Katie

With Love, Grace

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Money Relationship Status: Married

Money. Relationship Status: It’s Complicated.

That’s how I used to feel ALL THE TIME about that never-ending angst-ridden relationship with that unpredictable, difficult, demanding thing called MONEY.

I would see those other people with lots of Money, or hardly any Money at all…and people appeared happy, sad, depressed, thrilled in spite of the lack or abundance of money. It didn’t always makes sense, that’s for sure.

Happy/Sad, Positive/Negative…people appeared to feel all feelings no matter how much money or how little money they had.

And yet the story persisted that WITH money, people feel better.

I would feel better.

I also saw that it seemed to take a lot of hard, hard, drudgery to earn Money. It also seemed that (less often) Money just showed up unannounced, unexpectedly.

I had so many conflicting thoughts about money, that I knew I absolutely had to figure out how to use The Work and deep self-investigation to understand money better.

It wasn’t enough to just do The Work on “I need more money” even though exploring this belief offered huge insight (because I learned that in any given moment, I actually was fine with or without any money).

Even though I was lightening up about Money in so many ways…in other ways I was still very fearful.

Bottom line, it was absolutely true that having money was better than not having it. No question, it seemed absolutely true.

I just couldn’t let go of that roller-coaster ride relationship!

So, I got to work looking at what I believed money represented in my life.

I came up with many qualities: security, kindness, ease, relaxation, love, approval, celebration, joy, comfort.

Oh yikes. That’s a whole heck of a lot to put on money, right?

If money was a person, in the way I felt about it, it would be practically like an unobtainable hollywood movie star, or like some kind of god.

So spectacular, and so desirable!

And in addition to all THAT….my belief was that I had to work really, really hard to get a lot of it. I mean REALLY hard.

I had offer something so unique, exquisite, and perfect it was almost as impossible as that distant magical demi-god star. I had to change peoples’ lives, I had to work for hours into the night, I had to push myself physically.

Receiving money would only happen if I was getting rewarded for massive effort.

I was over here, on this side of the Grand Canyon….and the land of people with money flowing easily to them was over there, on the other side.

Of course I noticed Those People who inherited money from family, who won money (I’ve never met anyone in real life with that story however) or who were raised with abundant money.

But I still believed SOMEONE in their history worked their ass off to get the piles of money. In my work on money, after several worksheets on Rich People, I interviewed people who I knew had lots of money and asked if I could ask them questions about money. Several said “yes”.

It still seemed like they did something that took off, that created value for people.

But I loved questioning that this then meant that it was lots of work, drudgery, it took a lot of time, or it was “hard”.

So let’s take a look today! Oh boy!

I have to work hard to make money. I have to be brilliant, convincing, smart. I have to be very disciplined. I have to use my time very wisely…there isn’t much time for play. Playing too much means no money. This relationship with money is endlessly complicated.

Is that true?

Yes! All the people I admire with money, all those people waaaaayyyyy over there on the other side of the Grand Canyon, on the side WITH money….someone worked very hard to arrive there!

Can I absolutely know that this is true?

Can I know that they arrived? That they went from Not Having to Having? That the gap was really that big? That they didn’t play? That they had to be special, extra smart, extra disciplined, extra brilliant?

No. There may be some “regular” people who move from not having money to having money. In fact…I know some.

Um, now that you put it that way….I know a lot of them.

How do I react when I believe the thought that I have to be a certain way in order to make money? (Brilliant, disciplined, genius, convincing, determined).

How do I react when I’m looking for a job, and I think “people who get jobs get fabulous interviews, they have connections, they are genius at convincing someone to hire them, they are super good at what they do”?

How do I react when I feel this is so endlessly complicated?

I feel discouraged. I think “I’m not good enough”. I feel mediocre, average, dull, passive, and very self-critical.

I start to feel not good enough for money.

But who would I be without the thought that I need to be different than I am in order to make money?

That I need to be different if I am going to get a job, or do well in business, or sell my book, or cross the great divide between the me who has little money and the me who has lots of money?

Really….if you just put this thought on pause for a moment. What is that like?

Lighter. Curious. Interested. Open. Not striving. Dropping the need to make an effort, to push, to be disciplined, to be harsh.

I turn the thought around: I am just right, as I am, for making money. 

Could the opposites be just as true, or truer, than my original stressful beliefs?

I have to work easy to make money, I have to play more to make money, I have to be dull, relaxed, simple, no gripping. I have to be comfortable with chaos, disorder, open to the wild mystery (rather than disciplined). I do have to use my thinking wisely (not fearfully) and, there is no way to actually USE my time as if I’m losing time…Thinking playfully, joyfully, lightly means more money. It’s simple.

Gasp! But it will be terrible if I don’t work hard! I’ll never ACHIEVE! I’ll never accomplish! I’ll never arrive!

Could I try it for a few hours?

OK, could I try it for this moment? Could I just allow everything to be as it is, right now? Unknowable? Without having “arrived” at the place I think will be successful?

“What do you want? Do you want to be a success? I know what a success is…but YOU don’t realize what a success is yet or you would love yourself…..Look for peace from here now, not in the world. And then enjoy the world as it lives you. When you meet a stumbling block, just question your thoughts about what’s going on. Don’t expect anything.” ~ Byron Katie

As I contemplate not controlling myself, or my life, or my money, or my work, or my job status, or the amount of money coming and going, or that having money equals peace….

….I find I can feel the truth of not expecting anything, freely, openly, and how light, playful, hilarious and unplanned this all is.

And sitting here, writing in this quiet room, I feel the truth of peace permeating everything, of life creating itself, of awareness watching All This, and how I am so very successful….thinking, wondering, opening, being confused, trusting, letting go.

The amount of money, or security, or where I’m at on the job continuum, doesn’t actually have to change for me to notice that I could just as easily drop down into the other side of the Grand Canyon, that side Over There for people with money.

I could visit over there just as easily. Starting right now.

Money Relationship Status: Married.

Last class starting this year: MONEY! Wanting, needing, earning it. Thursdays 8  – 9:30 am Pacific Time. 12/5 – 1/23. Register HERE.

With Love, Grace

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Your Kid Might Notice That It’s Working

Huge thank you for everyone who has sent me comments about the new little guidebook Top Ten Stressful Thoughts in Stressed-Out Parents Minds That Keep Them Struggling With Their Kids. If you’d like to send it to anyone, forward them this Grace Note!

And if you’d like to say “I didn’t get the part about….” then write me!

They can download it HERE. Parenting teleclass starts January 27, 2014 on Monday evenings Pacific time 5:15, or in February on Monday mornings.

(You can also get the parenting guidebook on my website HERE plus more info about the teleclasses).

Just yesterday, our Tuesday YOI Group (Year of Inquiry) spent some time looking at those darn people, like the children, who we’re really close to. These so often fall into one of these three categories: mate, child or parent.

Arrgggh! Don’t these people just drive you bananas sometimes?

I figure if you sort it out internally with ONLY one or two of these people, you could have a shifting perspective on trust, love and acceptance that might permeate the entire rest of your life, in truly amazing ways.

Today our group questioned the belief “I want him/her to be reliable”. Seems like a no-brainer, right?

Some of us were thinking about our teenagers, some of about our spouses, some of us about one of our parents.

Same thought. Same distress.

As we began The Work, I remembered how I had done The Work on my kid being late, a scene where I huffed and puffed and slammed the car door and drove him in a fury to school, telling him he needs to catch the bus and how inconvenient this is for me.

I had been so upset that I knew I needed to sit down and slowly do The Work. Not a fast-inquiry-job in my head….but a slow, deep one.

As our group began to inquiry together, I remembered another scene, a few weeks AFTER I did The Work….a very similar scene, with a different outcome.

It is a dark, winter morning. The big blue retro kitchen clock reads 7:11 am.

My son has not yet come out of the bathroom, and I still hear the shower running. His bus leaves the corner at 7:26. He should walk out the door at 7:22. He really should be eating breakfast, which he tends to skip, at 7:15. He should be getting dressed therefore at 7:12.

That’s in one minute.

Right now, at 7:11, the water in the shower should be turning OFF.

He’s 17 years old, for crying out loud! WHY CAN’T HE CATCH THE DAMN BUS?!

Why can’t you be RELIABLE? How hard can it be?

I lectured before, I’ve asked “is there anything I can do to help you?”. I’ve been reasonable, I’ve decided I won’t worry about it anymore.

I’ve done The Work, but here this familiar worry is approaching again.

It’s 7:11 and my pulse is starting to quicken and I’m getting nervous. How am I going to handle this situation. I have a teleclass at 8:00 am, on questioning your stressful beliefs. 

I say to myself “I should change my teleclass schedule from now on just to take into consideration his lateness“.

BUT! I will NOT change my own work schedule to accommodate HIM being LATE!

Tick-tick-tick-tick. It’s 7:13.

I feel the wave of worry….as I put on the kettle and get out my tea cup.

Then The Work enters my mind, as I am moving and watching my hand open a tea bag. Like a wide open feeling, not even quite a thought…..something stops. Wait, look, feel….is it true something terrible is happening, something uncomfortable, unfortunate, wrong, a mistake, a moment needing adjustment?

Remember your Work?

Is your stress necessary? Is this bad?

No….why, no. The wave recedes back. The kettle boils. The water pours. Almost in slow motion, and yet, within 2 minutes, I remember who I would be without the thought that he is late. That this shouldn’t be happening.

Well, look at that. Oh my. Amazing.

I turn the thoughts around, or they turn themselves around: this is fine, he is OK, he is learning something, if he misses the bus I can drive him part way so I myself am not late, he could have another tardy and that is not a problem, I love riding with him in the morning, he is taking all this in about school, alarms, intention, action, clarity, time, clocks. 

I don’t even know that he is unhappy about this “risk” of not getting credit or something happening as a result of these late mornings.

At 7:15 the shower turns off. At 7:17 he is moving through the kitchen to his room. As he passes me I cheer and laugh, smiling at how adorable he looks “Go Ben! Go Ben!”

At 7:20 he comes back through the kitchen with his back pack on his back, his short wet hair already drying. I throw my arms around his very tall and thin body and give him a big hug, bursting with joy.

“Bye mom! I love you!” The front door slams behind him.

7:22. 

“Don’t worry about whether The Work is working or not. You’re just beginning to learn how to do it. It’s like riding a bike. All you need to do is keep wobbling on….And you won’t necessarily be the first to notice that it’s working. You may find, as many people have, that it doesn’t seem to have any effect now, but you have already shifted in ways you can’t feel yet. The Work can be very subtle and profound.” ~ Byron Katie 

 As Far As Freedom Goes, It Works

“It never ceases to amaze me how much can be learned in an hour and a half. An awareness I got from class combined with an emotional collision with my mate yesterday I learned this: I want others to be happy so I don’t get “infected by their misery”. Is that true and furthermore, is it working?….Loving what is still strikes me as bizarre and as far a freedom goes, it works!” ~ SW, Year Of Inquiry YOI Participant  

With Love, Grace

P.S. Are you thinking about YOI in 2014? January group starts on Fridays 1/10 for an entire year of inquiry. Limited to 14 people. Already filling. Click HERE to read more.

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Bills Bills Bills And The End of Suffering

I now know when my surgery will be: December 10th. A surgeon will be pinning my right torn hamstring back onto the pelvic bone.

When the date was set recently, guess what was one of the thoughts that ran through my mind?

How much will this cost? 

I know that medical procedures usually generate all kinds of bills. Something arrives in the mail from a lab, the doctor, the facility, the radiologist, another lab, the surgeon.

Bills!

What a great item for The Work.

A piece of paper comes in an envelope, addressed to you, and there is a number, and you owe that amount to the company, the organization, the service provider.

I love noticing the feeling inside when opening a bill and seeing “I owe” and watching if there is worry, frustration, nervousness, disappointment.

Any feeling at all of not liking the out-flow of money, of not liking that bill.

I don’t like it! I wish I didn’t have to pay this! 

Is it true?

Yes!

Although…almost as I’m saying “yes” I think “not really”.

I love the flow in and out of money. I love paying for wonderful service, for learning, for education, for healing help, for shelter, food, clothing.

But that little worry about not having enough….the amounts draining the bank account. The analysis of whether something is “worth” it or not.

How do I react when I believe the thought that this better be worth it?

The mind kicks in to the analysis zone, weighing and measuring something that often can’t quite be measured clearly. It gets all busy trying to see what things are worth….using a lot of energy.

What’s the value of my hamstring being sewn back to where it is supposed to go? Priceless. It’s worth it.

And if I didn’t have any health insurance? Still true.  

“My job is to be happy and wait. Decisions are easy. It’s the story you tell about them that isn’t easy. When you jump out of a plane and you pull the parachute cord and it doesn’t open, you feel fear, because you have the next cord to pull. So you pull that one, and it doesn’t open. And that’s the last cord. Now there’s no decision to make. When there’s no decision, there’s no fear, so just enjoy the trip! And that’s my position—I’m a lover of what is. What is: no cord to pull. It’s already happening. Free fall. I have nothing to do with it.” ~ Byron Katie 

This amount comes in, that amount goes out, in and out, up and down, I just know what to do next, what’s possible, what’s available, what is not available. 

Without the thought that I don’t like this or I don’t want to pay this bill?

I see how I am absolutely and completely fine right now in this moment, no matter what number is appearing on a paper.

I turn the thought around: I like this! I want to pay this bill!  

What a completely fun, relaxed, exciting, playful alternative!

I can be happy, no matter how much I pay, owe, give, deliver, offer. In fact, it’s VERY exciting.

“There’s no suffering in eating spaghetti with a thin tomato sauce (this is just one little example here, that stands for many things) rather than a nice, specially prepared sauce for pasta. But if suddenly, thought arises, and you think “this is what it has come to”, or “I have to eat this watery sauce, the cheapest food there is”, or “I’ve failed” or “I probably won’t find another job, because billions of people are now looking for jobs and it’s pointless” or “I’ll have to eat the same thing tomorrow” – [these thoughts] are where the suffering comes from. The suffering also comes from the diminished sense of self-worth, now where is that? Of course that’s in your head.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

Right in the moment I am opening a bill, looking at the number, writing a check or making a bank transfer online….

….I can feel the thank-you, the joy of living this turnaround “I like paying this!”

If you find the idea tough…join us for the Money Teleclass that starts on December 5th in 2 weeks at 8 am Pacific Time. Register or find out more by clicking HERE.

Love, Grace

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Dirty Nasty Money Thoughts

There was a long line at the local grocery store check out. A mom with a huge shopping cart full of food and her toddler son in the kid seat, and a young couple with a hand-held shopping basket were still in front of us.

I was with my boyfriend waiting in line. We had been dating for over two years and we knew each other pretty well, and loved each other’s company. 

This was the easiest, most natural, relaxed time I had ever had while dating.

No plans, rules, formalities, assumptions, expectations. Both of us married and divorced in the past, not so interested in “making” any commitments happen….very present moment and simple. There could be no tomorrow. No problem. 

Except…..

….we got to the check stand and the clerk rang up all our grocery items. We had four bags full of food, and some was for him, some was for me, some was for both of us. 

He wasn’t reaching for his wallet. The clerk said “that’ll be $72.91”. 

I was standing right in front of the grocery clerk, my boyfriend was still near the magazines and candy looking at the cover of something. 

I waited another second. I reached for my own wallet slowly. Inside my head “OMG I am going to HAVE TO PAY FOR THIS!” 

This was when he was supposed to look up and say “Oh! I got it!” and take out his credit card.

I’m adding up how much I have in my bank account, thinking about if there’s anything I could put back….

…mostly thinking about if there was some way I could HINT at the need for some financial participation here without saying “pay for this!”

Which would be sooooo rude.

Nothing. 

I came up with no possible way to ask for a contribution, or to get him to pay, that wouldn’t ALSO make me look like a sleeze-ball greed-monger cheap dependent poverty-oriented desperate sexist single mom.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that! Heh heh.

Why couldn’t he just have the mentality of LOVING being the guy that pays for everything? He should be THAT kinda guy!

Because then I feel taken care of, safe, secure, loved and supported. 

Yikes. 

Time for The Work. 

And all this came out of one short move that lasted literally 5 seconds. Him not taking out his wallet and not offering to pay.

  • he doesn’t care about me
  • he is not supportive
  • I’ll never get to relax financially in this relationship
  • if he doesn’t pay, it means he EXPECTS ME to pay
  • this is not safe
  • this is not fun, special or of financial benefit
  • he doesn’t make me feel like a pampered woman

Ewww. This was difficult for an independent, sister goddess, celebrating, joyful, feminine-powered woman to notice, that I imagined myself to be.

Another voice came in riding the tails of the first voice: You want the man to pay? What’s wrong with you? Don’t you know that’s from the slave-ownership man-dominated era? Aren’t the guys who always pay usually jerks?

And by the way, you can NEVER, EVER admit these thoughts, or he’d be shocked, hurt, upset and scared. 

Of course, I had done The Work for over two years solid on money, constantly (mostly since I had so little) and was living somehow with a mind that also constantly questioned itself, and was devoted to full-blown honesty (most of us find this more fun).

So ten minutes later, I was talking about just exactly what was inside my mind, on our walk home, carrying the groceries that I had just paid for.

I knew I wanted to enter who I would be WITHOUT the thought that any of those thoughts were true. I knew I was running stories.

My feelings told me.

I said to him, “I was just having these kinds of thoughts (see above bulleted list). But I realize I am assuming a LOT. I don’t know if it’s TRUE that you want ME to pay, that you don’t support me, or that you don’t think I’m worthy.”  

He was surprised and took out his wallet and gave me cash for half the amount, and told me he was absolutely happy to share expenses!

Hmmm. Different than the whole Its-On-Me thing. More….more….shared. 

Maybe who is paying for what has nothing to do with love, support, fun, specialness. Maybe relationships could have nothing to do with financial benefit, expectations for paying or not paying, safety, or being pampered. 

  • he does care about me, I don’t care about him, or myself right then (I was silent)
  • he is supportive….I was not supportive of myself in that moment
  • I am completely relaxed financially in every moment, when I really look
  • if he doesn’t pay, it does NOT mean he expects me to pay
  • this is safe, it is all safe
  • this is fun, special and of financial benefit, or not, so what?
  • I make me feel like a pampered woman (and so does he)

It was strange having all the walls fall down about money and relationship. But they were stories from ancient times….and they made no sense any more, for me.

The more I have questioned my dirty, nasty, embarrassing thoughts about money and who is supposed to pay, give, take or keep it and where it’s supposed to come from…

….the greater the freedom, the more relaxed, safe, supported, loved by all the universe, whether money is around or not. 

“How do you react when you believe that thought, that someone owes you? Now flow into who you would be without the thought that he owes you? Now turn the thought around…you owe him….you owe yourself….

This dream world that we call earth and life, it’s duality: good/evil, right/wrong, up/down, left/right, polarity. And as we question our mind, we leave the Other World, we leave the world of duality and we find ourselves in a whole other paradigm right here on earth. It leaves the world without an enemy.” ~ Byron Katie 

Come join the adventure of questioning your very painful, conflicting beliefs about money, earning, other people’s money, your mate’s money….with 8 weeks of inquiry, who knows what can happen. You may leave your world behind. 

The Money Teleclass starts in 2 weeks at 8 am Pacific Time. Register or find out more by clicking HERE.

Love, Grace

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Those Grabby Poly-Amory People

It was dark, raining, almost-freezing night with a light dusting of snow from the day before in people’s yards. I was driving from one caroling party, with lively songs, and beautiful voices, to a second party #2 which I knew almost nothing about except that a man I liked said I should come.

It was already about 10 pm, but I was wide awake and on this adventure. Even though parking and entering the big house was pretty scary for me, normally pretty quiet and shy.

Entering the house….I noticed string red lights and lots of darkness, and electronica type trance music.

Cut to 30 minutes later, with me LEAVING that party. I realized there was something going on with hook-ups or casual sex.

Those Poly-Amorous People. Gawd, what grabby hungry entertainment pleasure addicts!!

One of my favorite ways of discovering and unearthing my frightening thoughts has been to look in a very general way at my concerns or judgments against whole groups of people.

And then….once I see them all crowded around me, as if I was going to a big convention with Those People…I allow memories to surface as I ask myself WHY?

Oh yeah. That’s right. I could do The Work on Those People at that party.

First, I needed to identify what it was that I was actually believing that made me feel so uncomfortable.

What bothers me about them? What?

When we do this exercise in the YOI Group for a month….lots and lots of fascinating generalizations come out of the people participating.

Everyone identifies a LOT of interesting Whole Groups.

Like Nazi’s, drug sellers, con artists, the IRS, complainers, anti-Americans, animal abusers, gamblers, violent protesters, porn addicts, street gangs, pedophiles….

….what are yours?

But then, we’ve found it’s important to get specific. To dig in a little.

What does it mean, to be a member of one of these groups? And do I have a unique situation where I can examine more deeply what might have bothered me?

Oh do I have to? Can’t I just stay up here on the surface and be all critical and separate? It seems safer.

It’s not though.

Sigh.

What do Those People think, say, do or feel that I feel the most afraid of?

I see the scene from that party, a man leering in, looking like he’s starving and I am meat.

  • He wants to grab, consume, he can’t get enough, can’t stop, he demands
  • He doesn’t care what I think
  • He doesn’t care about me at all, unless I supply him with pleasure
  • He gets bored easily, he’s not interested in true intimacy
  • He’s addicted to merging

OK, good now to take a look at this deep separation, this judgment.

Is this true? Can I really know he thinks I’m meat?

I take a very deep breath. I’m realizing how angry I feel. I want to say “yes”.

Can I absolutely know that these things are true about him?

No. I don’t even KNOW this man. I had one interaction with him for literally 2 minutes.

I was bunching him into the box of THAT kind of guy. Those Men. But I really can’t know that he is what I am thinking about him.

Who would I be without the thought that he is grabby, doesn’t care about me, is an addict, isn’t interested in true intimacy (which I’m not even sure what that is) or that he can’t stop himself?

I’d probably laugh when he leaned in and said “let’s go upstairs!” And I don’t mean laugh with mocking….I mean laugh with surprise.

I’d think it was fascinating. Really? I could find out if I wanted to go upstairs…I don’t really know what it means now, do I?

Without these thoughts, I am free to go or stay or leave or do whatever I want or need at any moment. I could ask him more questions, ones that I would like to ask, like “why do you want to go upstairs?” or “what are your intentions?”

I turn all these thoughts around and discover myself, in all of them.

  • I want to grab, consume, I can’t get enough, can’t stop, I demand: yes, I’ve been this way with food, that’s for sure….my own form of pleasure and escape
  • I don’t care what I think: yes, I’ve made sure I’m nice when solicited, instead of direct and honest with NO
  • I don’t care about him at all, unless he supplies me with pleasure: yes, I would only have talked with him further if I had felt safe and pleased in his company 
  • I get bored easily, I’m not interested in true intimacy: well, I was outta there in minutes…I gave him no time at all, I was not interested in true intimacy
  • I’m addicted to merging: I wanted only to connect if it felt like we were simpatico, similar, amigos. Otherwise, I separated.

“Who would you be without the belief that those people should be civil and polite?…..Can you feel the pain of going through life dictating ‘they should this, they should that, they’d be better if’ and do it as if you KNOW, like ‘I’m the knower here!’ ” ~ Byron Katie

In the moment I think of Them as different, separate, wrong…uncomfortable to be around…

…maybe that’s a moment I am being invited to connect.

First, I make contact with myself and feel how happy I am being here, being me.

Then I connect with them as a human being, and perhaps I have something to say, perhaps I do not.

The feeling inside is compassion and clarity, not rage, or superiority.

All is well here, all is well.

Our Wonderful Sexuality begins in January on Tuesdays for 8 weeks. Join us if you feel burdened by these kinds of painful beliefs. You may find joyful freedom on the other side.

Love, Grace

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You Can Handle Death

It was a light spring day with blossoms bursting everywhere in the city parks. I had been trading phone messages with a woman who was interested in finding out more about The Work.
She was in a distant time zone.
Today, I was walking through the university arboretum with fancy-named trees and gorgeous smells and rich green grass when her number appeared on my cell phone. Even though I didn’t recognize it, I thought “that number is really familiar, I need to pick it up”.
Even though she had sounded so light in our brief exchanges so far, without ever talking LIVE….it turned out she had cancer, and not necessarily a “good” prognosis.
I had worked with many people with cancer diagnoses before…but not anyone who may only have a few months to live.
I felt very moved for a moment.
I recognized in thirty seconds my own heart feeling full, and thoughts of something that looked at this whole human condition of life and death, noticing the beauty and the destruction all at once.
Blossoms everywhere, this woman apparently near her end-of-life moment.
That evening, after setting up a session with her on skype, I remembered my first hospice patient visit at my previous job.
At that time, I had received all my training in questioning patients about sensitive topics, I had finished my graduate degree in Applied Behavioral Science.
I had a laptop, I had arrived at the patient’s home, and I was ready for the task I was supposed to complete….a very extensive Quality of Life interview. This was “academic” work.
But the two requirements for people who enrolled in this research were 1) they had to be with it mentally, so they could answer questions, and 2) they had to be in hospice.
The patient I was visiting this very first time lived in a condo. I parked in the Visitors space. I knocked on her door with a little trepidation.
The woman I met was the same age as I was.

Feelings welled up inside my stomach and my throat, but I kept them hidden. I didn’t want to start crying!

This woman who was a total stranger to me answered many questions about her pain, how she felt…many personal questions about her life.

She was so brave.

When I left, I gave her a little hug, and then went to my car. In the driver’s seat, sitting in the big parking lot, I wept.

I thought “I’m not sure I can handle this job”.

But the next day, I drove to someone else’s home to interview THEM on their quality of life.

Some people had cancer, some had heart disease, some had ALS.

By the third patient, I relaxed. I didn’t have the simple version of inquiry we all know as The Work in my life yet, but I had other self-inquiry after quite a few years of really beginning to investigate the meaning of This.

And here was my next phase. Meeting people who knew they were on their way out, with limited time….people of all ages.

It was the gift of a lifetime. I started thinking I can’t believe I have such an amazing job, to be able to realize that everyone was the same as me, not different.

That day when the woman with only a little time left contacted me, I might have had thoughts like “this will be hard” or “this is sad” or “she is frightened (and I can’t help her)” but while they tried to arise….I knew they weren’t true.

Who would you be without the thought that if you only have two months left to live, it’s *terrible*?

Without the thought that this is an example of great suffering in a harsh world?

That she can’t handle….or I can’t handle…the body’s decline and death?

Who would I be without the thought that I couldn’t help her?

I’d be there. I’d do The Work with her.

Funny, her thoughts were no different than any of mine, or any I have heard before. “I’m going to die” and “I shouldn’t die” and “this is shameful” and “I can’t stand this” and “people feel sorry for me (and I hate that).”

I turn my own thoughts around, the ones trying to get some energy or some volume, the ones I used to think all the time before meeting so many people over the years who were in hospice…

….I can handle this. Because I’m the one here, I’m the one.

I can handle the body’s decline and death, because everyone handles it.

I can help her, and I don’t have to even do anything except show up (and another turnaround, I can’t help her.…and that’s the way of it, not really a problem).

“When you’re not thinking about death, you fully accept it. You’re not worrying about it at all. Think of your foot. Did you have a foot before you thought of it? Where was it? When there’s no thought, there’s no foot. When there’s no thought of death, there’s no death.” ~ Byron Katie

I can be here, with anyone, in any situation. So can you. You don’t need to know how to do it.

Love, Grace

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Those Greedy People Were Generous

It was a Seattle misty-raining evening and already pitch dark, even though it was only 5:10 pm. You’d say “late afternoon” if it was summer.

I parked my car several blocks away from a hotel where a business networking meeting was already underway. I was late.

In my car, I had quickly grabbed a more “business” looking jacket, to put on over my long-sleeved aqua blue casual t-shirt. I had remembered to wear Not Jeans. As in black “business” looking pants.

When I entered, a man was standing up addressing the room, wearing a gorgeous gray business suit and red tie. The room was full.

As I made my way towards the closest open seat towards the back (people were sitting at tables for four) I was thinking thoughts like this:

  • Oh no, this is worse than I thought, I don’t fit in
  • Everyone looks so professional, managerial, like bosses
  • I can’t do this entrepreneurial thing
  • I won’t be able to stand it when they call on me to say what I do for a living (self-inquiry? counseling? The Work?)
  • No one will understand me and what I do
  • Everyone here is only interested in making money
  • They only care about appearance, success, wealth
  • I gotta get outta here!

RRRRUUUUNNNN!

Fortunately, I sort of “half ran”. I stayed planted right there physically (I couldn’t leave and draw attention to myself, right?)

But my mind whirled with nervousness and I probably had a plastic smile on my face. Like I was waiting for the first chance to lunge at an exit door. Maybe they’d take a bathroom break soon.

Later, after I “made it through” that ordeal…and I was back to safety…it occurred to me that doing The Work on this moment, this exact situation, might be not justinteresting….

….but maybe doing The Work on this would be very, very important for my own relationship with money, commerce, business, giving-and-receiving, offering a service in exchange for money, connecting with strangers…being free.

I got to work.

Is it true that I don’t fit in there? What does that mean…to not fit in? That I don’t have on the exact same outfit?

Seriously?

I don’t fit in because they are more interested in money than me?

(Yes, I often did my work for free, I had practiced many hours of volunteering my time to organizations, group talks and individual sessions with people).

Is that true that they are more interested in money than I am? Because they’re wearing a business suit?

Oh jeez. No. Gulp.

Is it true that because they want to market themselves, get more customers, read marketing books and take business-growth classes….that I don’t fit in?

Is it true that when someone has a lot of money, I am not like them? Have they succeeded somewhere I have failed?

Rats. But.

I’ve always thought it was so NOBLE and AWESOME to live like a monk, be able to live on nothing, to fit everything I own into my car.

Which is, by the way, a used Toyota. Not an SUV. Which they probably drive.

Aren’t I amazing how detached I am from material possessions? So light and carefree? So giving?

Yet I can’t absolutely know that it’s true that these people, in this meeting, are any different from me. In fact, I’m pretty sure they aren’t.

How do I react when I believe they want money….and it’s selfish, or they do it the wrong, mean way?

I perceive them as the enemy. I start firing out judgments like gun shots: see, this is mostly men, they are the top echelon of the culture, they don’t care about me or anyone so small as me, they are good-ol-boys, I’m too soft, or liberal, for them.

It’s very, very painful.

Wait.

I like doing The Work better on needing money, and finding out I don’t need money. Ha! I can Out-Not-Need You! I was anorexic once! I can overcome base human desires for things like food…and money…like you never could, you mean selfish….!!

That’s how I reacted.

How amazing to consider the fourth question, for once in my life: Who would I be without the thought that these people were bad and money was bad, and wanting money was bad? That I could exit out the back door and continue to not fit in?

I would look around the room and stop judging everyone’s clothing. I would notice colors, texture, sparkles, beauty.

I would see friendly smiles, welcoming someone who didn’t look completely at home here.

I would be absolutely delighted by all the camaraderie, joy, determination, passion, and excitement in the room.

Oh boy, I get to stand up and be in the spot light for a moment! I love the theater!

I may or may not come back to that meeting. Without stress.

I turn the thoughts around:

  • Oh yes, this is better than I thought, I fit right in!
  • Everyone looks so professional, managerial, like bosses–AWESOME
  • I can do this entrepreneurial thing
  • I will be able to stand it when they call on me to say what I do for a living–yes, in fact, I stood up and spoke, so I “stood” it.
  • Everyone will understand me and what I do! How funny to think I can have this attitude just as easily as the opposite!
  • Everyone here is interested in making money. Fabulous, because I am too.
  • In this moment, I only care about appearance, success, wealth…yes. I am judging right and left with these three factors in mind.
  • I am a cut throat, selfish, greedy, competitive meanie. I’ve hardly given them a chance! And they are gentle, generous, playful friendlies. Yes.
  • I gotta stay right here!

There are so many examples of all these turnarounds….they all come alive as I sit in them, slowly doing my work.

I learn from wildly successful people, I listen and read and hear.

I let it all digest inside of me, knowing I am very successful and how much I love myself and my own pace and my own style.

I notice I still love jeans. There are no rules. I also absolutely LOVE the material, smell, silky fabrics and smooth muted patterns of “business” wear. How fun.

I also notice I love money, where I used to have a push/pull love/hate relationship with it (just like food, sex, relationships, parenting, life, the universe).

“Most people think that the world is outside them. They live life backward, running after security and approval, as if by making enough money or getting enough praise they could be happy once and for all. But nothing outside us can give us what we’re looking for.” ~ Byron Katie

When I am not so afraid of absence of money, the freedom has allowed me to move with ease, fun, excitement, and no longer procrastination.

Thank you, everyone, who supported me along this road to true security and joyful freedom. And more money.

If you’re interested in being more honest about your relationship with money, getting down to the boney depths of the love and hate….bring your thoughts to a group. It can help you see what you’re thinking, that keeps you in prison. And feeling poor.

The next MONEY teleclass (8 weeks) starts in December!

Love, Grace