……..What if it isn't true?
There are 13 books piled on my bed next to me, some open, some closed with bookmarks, the laptop with a document for notes and then a word document for final curriculum both open, plus another pdf I’ve been reading from a different author.
I’ve been working for 3 hours without really moving. I see emails come in a scan them if they’re quick, and reply.
My daughter comes into the house and calls “Hi mom!” and I exit the bedroom, needing a stretch break. She brings in the mail…more items to take care of.
I’m thinking….quick quick quick. I’ll get back there in a few minutes and get somewhere, continue.
Oh, and dishes. And laundry and more Holds to pick up from the library that I NEED (these things I happen to need help with right now due to crutches situation) and some necessary groceries.
The ticker tape spins. Just a little too fast now.
You know that To-Do Voice that sees what needs to get done and then realizes with fury that it can not be done, will not get done. I may have to drop what I’m working on and get to the other thing.
Quick, you only have 1 hour 45 minutes until the next class!!
Hiya! Hiya!!!! (That’s supposed to be the sound of a rider with a whip trying to get his horse to go As Fast As Possible.)
Stop.
Is it true that there is too much, and it will never get done, and that I neeeeeeeeeeed to get it done, and that there’s not enough time, and, and, and….?
No.
How do I react when I believe that thought?
The feeling inside is frantic buzzing across the chest and in the throat. Not breathing deeply. Mad. Ignoring other interests. Sort of irritable with the phone ringing.
Stop.
Who would I be without the thought that something needs to happen here that hasn’t happened yet? That something needs to get done?
Without any thought of this at all. Like I’m visiting from another planet….and my space ship leave in 1 hour 45 minutes. I’m here to look around.
Nothing to Get Done.
Nothing to complete, wrap up, finish, push, force.
I turn the thoughts around: I do NOT need to keep going, or get this done. I have unlimited time.
Almost unbelievable. But this is playing in duality, leaning over into the opposite of the way my mind is running.
Yes. I can drop whatever task it is that I am attached to. I can move with the flow. Relax.
“There’s no merit gained through wasted effort, through excess struggle. There are no merit points for the people who drove themselves the craziest along the way to self-realization. For most people it’s so obscure that it seems very intuitive to grasp and to struggle instead of relaxing, not grasping, letting something come to you, letting the truth of your being reveal itself to you on its terms, in its way, letting it happen…..It will happen. It’s always happening. It’s always trying to show itself.” ~ Adyashanti
Relaxing, not grasping, letting it come to me?
Letting the day, the pace of all this, this person here now, noticing a clock, and time, and tasks….letting it all be the way it is. Nothing required.
Taking a very deep breath. Hearing my daughter pick up the ukelele and sing.
“There’s a perfect order running. I’m a lover of what is. Who would I be without my story? Without my story, in this very moment, is where God and I are one. There’s no separation, no decision or fear in it. It just knows. And that’s who we are without our plans.” ~ Byron Katie
Love, Grace
The other day I was talking with a very close girlfriend on skype, me in my very, very familiar position now lying back on the bed, pillows propping my head, keeping the pressure off my right sits bone, ice pack under my right thigh.
I was not feeling frustrated at all….like, not one dash of annoyance or shake of irritation, about my physical condition.
I was listening, intently, with great curiosity.
We were talking about relationships, love attractions.
She said how in the past she always was attracted to the man at the party who had some kind of brooding darkness surrounding him.
Wry humor, edgy appearance, hip, the color black.
Then she said she could relate to the wonderful speaker/writer Danielle Laporte who says “I used to have a contentious relationship with joy”.
I’ve heard others speak of this before. I happen to have read The Four Man Plan seven years ago about a scientific approach to dating for women.
In her book, author Cindy Lu jokes that it’s helpful to question yourself when you haven’t had the best experiences in partnership ….“remember, you suck at love”.
It’s not a criticism, but a mantra about not holding yourself back, about listening to your own inner voices and seeing if you really believe what they are saying.
It’s saying “now, now, remember…you’ve had some stressful beliefs running that are not exactly easy, helpful or LOVING when it comes to relationships…so don’t jump to conclusions about that man!”
As in, what I’ve done so far hasn’t exactly been the most blissed out love-filled dream.
As in, maybe your mind isn’t seeing the whole, complete picture.
Oh! Right!
Into my own mind suddenly flashed from my past, images followed by waves of interest, curiosity, attraction: black leather dude, rich independent dude, James Dean dude, alcoholic witty dude, muscled physical labor skateboarder dude, angry anti-establishment dude, depressed movie star Robert Downey Jr dude.
That man is attractive.
Is it true?
Can I absolutely KNOW that it’s true?
Yes….Wait….No.
How do I react when I believe that thought that the dark brooding is attractive (or whatever your version of attractive is)?
I feel a magnetic pull in that direction, but I’m not sure it’s fun, or has integrity, or is peaceful or kind. It’s dramatic, searing, wild.
I forget about joy…innocent, childlike, playful joy.
Who would I be without the belief that what I’m seeing is attractive?
Nooooo! If I give this definition of “attractive” up, I won’t feel attraction ever!
I’d be bored, normal, compromising, bored…..and….bored.
Really? Are you sure?
Byron Katie writes about what happens when you believe you are calling the shots, when you’re in control…when you’re fighting reality….
….and what it would be like to question your thinking, to let go of your ideas of what is true:
“The alternative is to expect reality NOT to follow your plan. You realize that you have no idea what’s going to happen next. That way, you’re pleasantly surprised when things seem to be going your way, you’re pleasantly surprised when they don’t. In the second case, you may not have seen what the new possibilities are yet, but life quickly reveals them.” ~ Byron Katie
My friend and I laughed, as she imagined being open to alternative ideas about men, dating, and who is attractive or not attractive.
To be open to joy, inside herself, no matter who she was looking at.
No expectations, no demands, no plans, no control.
Attraction, repulsion….if either one causes stress, doubt, anxiety….
….question your story and see who you would be without it.
“Love is a state of Being. Your love is not outside; it is deep within you. You can never lose it, and it cannot leave you. It is not dependent on some other body, some external form.” ~ Eckhart Tolle
With much love,
Grace
This morning the current MONEY teleclass met at our usual hour, barely light at 8 am, eagles chirping away in the pine tree where they like to sit behind my little cottage, me on my couch with my headphones connected to skype.
As people shared their thoughts from the journaling prompt, and then a situation they identified as very stressful when someone didn’t want what they had to offer….
…I marveled at how often I’ve experienced this thought, or worried about potentially having the thought, in my life:
“That person is not interested in what I’m offering”.
This can be so complex and gritty, a whole network and system of ideas and troubling beliefs.
It may or may not have to do with money.
First of all, what do I mean by “offering” something? Is that why anyone would be interested in me…at all…because they think I have something to offer them?
And what is “not interested” and how do I know it’s true that they aren’t?
Is it a look on their face, an unreturned phone call, no email reply, or are they shouting NO I AM NOT INTERESTED!
If they’re shouting, does it really mean they aren’t?
(Remember my favorite book Green Eggs and Ham? That guy Sam-I-Am kept asking ‘are you interested?’ and after 859 No’s he got a Yes).
Why was Sam-I-Am so persistent anyway?!!
So is it true that the person in question is not interested in what I’m offering? Maybe yes, maybe no.
I’m only stressed with this belief when I think they should be, when I want them to be, when I think it will be uncomfortable or sad if they aren’t.
Like that cute man one time who was a professional surfer….
YES! It’s true! That person is not interested!
Can I absolutely know that it’s true?
YES. He said no. She didn’t sign up for the class. They didn’t offer me the job. He never called back. No one bought my product. She broke up with me.
How do I react when I believe that thought?
What I heard in our class today that seemed most painful was the running voice that people had about themselves.
It means (ouch) that I am not interesting. I did something wrong. It means I have nothing worth offering.
Wow, harsh.
So who would you be without the thought that someone isn’t interested and it means you aren’t interesting?
Who would you be without the thought that it might have been nicer if they had been interested?
For me…..wildly free.
Back into myself seeing what I want in the moment….what I am moved to do next.
Someone in the class said “I would be clear, I would ask a direct question”.
I might be Sam-I-Am and be having a ball asking….”how ’bout on a train? with a mouse? on a boat?”
Trying on every possibility with humor and joy.
I might hear a “no” and move on. I’d feel playful, efficient, clear.
I turn the thoughts around:
That person is not interested in what I have to offer, that person should not be interested, I am not interested in what they are offering me (a “no” for example), I am not interested in what I offer myself.
Wow, I do see where I’ve stopped asking, quit, shut down, moved away with sadness, felt disappointment, been upset with myself, no longer found myself superbly interesting…
….right in that moment when I’ve believed I want that otherperson to be interested in me.
“You have everything you need in order to be an honest human being. No one ever has to be afraid of the truth. It’s the defenses that we build around the truth that strike fear into our hearts.” ~ Byron Katie
When I stop believing that someone else should be interested in what I have to offer, I feel how fun it is to be interested in myself, and interested in my work, and interested in money, or relationships, or friendship, in a really fun way.
Oh boy!
“What the world doesn’t tell you–because it doesn’t know–is that you cannot BECOME successful. You can only BE successful. Don’t let a mad world tell you that success is anything other than a successful present moment.” ~ Eckhart Tolle
Today, as people say yes and no and come toward me or move away…I stay in my integrity, humor, and love for myself…
….whatever level of interest they have.
Success is present, right now. You are success.
With much love, Grace
Two years ago I was sending off my first Grace Notes, Live From The Cleanse with Byron Katie in Los Angeles.
I remember sitting in the internet cafe at the hotel, computer screens glowing in a circle…very quiet all around, murmurs of people coming and going in the dark muted lobby…the smell of Starbucks, the glow of red, green and white holiday lights.
….and then I’m back inside the huge conference room, absorbing the profound work happening up on stage, Katie sitting in one large comfortable chair, a courageous human sitting in the other, answering the four questions of The Work.
Thoughts being questioned, ideas being reviewed, perhaps dropped, beliefs being un-believed, examined.
I remember the first time, with all this slowing down and looking at thoughts, that I examined what “believing” something meant.
When someone says “I believe…..”
What are they saying? What am I saying?
In the dictionary, the word believe is defined as this: to be convinced by, to give credence to, to regard as true, to credit, trust, put confidence in, to imagine, suspect, suppose, assume, presume, conclude, deduce, understand.
Nowhere does believing mean that it actually IS 100% true.
This is a relief when you’re believing something stressful and upsetting, when you’re believing a situation is not so good.
I loved when once a teacher said believing something is when you repeat it over and over to yourself, you find proof again and again…so you conclude it must be the way it is.
Here’s the really funny thing. I have discovered that some things only have to happen, well, ONCE….and I’ve believed them to be true, at least acted like it was for days, weeks, months and years beyond the original incident.
Other things have repeated themselves hundreds of times, and yet…I am not sure of it’s absolute truth, I’m acting like it’s NOT true.
Hmmmm….a little fishy.
Could my perspective be one that shifts, changes, perhaps isn’t entirely accurate, maybe doesn’t have all the variables or parts?
Stephen Hawking, the famous physicist, says “even though I cannot move, and have to speak through a computer…in my mind, I am free. Free to explore the great questions of the universe.”
Stephen is completely paralyzed in almost every way, except that his eyes blink and his heart beats, and he does not feel trapped.
Simply being able to ASK is freedom!?
WOW.
How exciting to be able to ask if something is true! To explore!
(And sometimes….alarming, I know).
Those first two questions known as The Work:
1) Is it true?
2) Can I absolutely know it is true?
So powerful, without any of the other steps.
When I look at where I am not believing I am free in my mind…where I think something or someone or some incident is holding me back from freedom, is creating a prison for me, is bringing sadness, fear, regret, unhappiness….
…how truly amazing to ask “Is it true? REALLY? Are you absolutely sure? Are you seeing the whole entire picture?”
And I love that you only need to do this with stressful thoughts.
“Ask YOU if it’s true…Don’t ask if the thought matches what you’ve been told or have learned. Don’t consider the way life is supposed to look….Don’t consult the part of you that knows what the answer SHOULD be. The question is, does the thought match what you know inside? Does that thought resonate with your deepest sense of reality?” ~ Byron Katie
Is it true that here in this life, I am paralyzed, trapped, stuck, missing out, frozen, I have to live it out this way, there’s rules I can’t ignore, laws of the universe and physics…..and it’s a BAD thing? It’s hard? It’s a shame? It’s sad? 100%?
How inspiring that Stephen Hawking can answer “no”.
Is it true that I can’t have the same inspired feelings I would have if I were LIVE, in the flesh, at the Cleanse?
No.
I can have joy, love, peace, tears, questions…all right here, in this great and wonderful mind, without my body going anywhere.
How inspiring that we get to try on our own answers.
With much love,
Grace
OK so only two days until the Cleanse, the annual program in Los Angeles where Byron Katie works with folks up on stage, and it is about as powerful for those in the audience as those on stage.
I have plane tickets, and room reservations, and my ticket in to the program.
But for those of you who have been following my story, I haven’t actually been sitting much for awhile.
As in, I haven’t been sitting AT ALL. Literally. Like, in a chair or on a couch.
Since my reattachment surgery where they pinned my torn hamstring back to my pelvic sits bone, I am experiencing life with a pain in the ass.
This time, it’s actually true.
Except when I’m lying down. In which case, it’s no longer true.
And the pain is less than half what it was last week.
But about that sitting part.
One has to “sit” on an airplane, right?
My mind begins to wonder. How is this going to work (or NOT work)? If I try it, will it hurt? Is it worth some pain, and how much pain?
This is the question many ask when they are getting into a new relationship. Or thinking about taking a new job, or quitting a job, or traveling somewhere far away, or starting a new “program” or training or group, or contemplating divorce, or selling their house.
Will it hurt?
The way I once was:
…avoid anything that hurts, feels bad, is scary….go towards anything that feels comforting, easy, safe, good.
Kinda simple, seems logical, basic human survival. Right?
But what if your thoughts are not logical, basic, or simple? What if you have completely opposing thoughts? What if everything you’re operating from is pretty conditioned, or learned, and not necessarily EASY?
Like “climbing this mountain will require a lot of intense physical work” and “intense physical work is boring”.
Or “I won’t do anything that hurts” and “when my heart beats fast and I have adrenaline or I want to cry, that equals feeling HURT”.
Or “I really love the taste of this yummy thing I’m eating” and “it is horrible to have to stop eating when I’m full”.
In these three situations, if both thoughts are running pretty loud and steady, you’ll never go on a mountain climb, you’ll try very hard not to cry or have a quick beating heart, and you’ll feel really conflicted about when to stop eating something tasty.
What I’ve learned with doing The Work over time, is that every single situation is extremely unique, so there is no way to know what will be the best, most ideal, powerful, spirited choice, until you know it.
I’ll show you what I mean.
Here are some of my repetitive thoughts about The Cleanse event that have been swinging by for a short visit, like noticing a ticker-tape in the corner with my thoughts running by on it:
You may have a decision….perhaps an even much bigger one….that has consequences that you’re uncertain about.
Is it true that it could hurt? Is it possible that I’ll have regrets? Will I miss something, whether I go or stay? Could I lose money?
Yes! These appear to be true.
And IF it hurts, or I experience regret ever, or I miss something, or I lose money, or things get rough, or I’m afraid at some point in the future….is any of this TERRIBLE?
Do I need to make sure to avoid all this, whatever it may be, in the future?
No!
How do I react when I believe that I could make the wrong decision, that it might hurt, that I could suffer, that I’ll miss or waste something?
Very careful.
Cautious, closed. I don’t ask questions. I don’t call the airlines and see what my options are. I don’t speak up. I don’t ask myself what will really be right for me, physically, with love, tenderness, and great joy and caring.
I don’t have patience. I want to know NOW what I really can’t know yet, because I don’t.
And who would I be without the thought that I need to decide, I need to know…or without the thoughts that I could feel regret, loss, sadness, or hurt? That I could do it wrong?
Totally and completely relaxed…..and then excited.
Without all these thoughts, I feel like I am my own best friend, and I’ll do what is perfect for me. I’ll get on the phone, I’ll get on the plane or NOT get on the plane.
Without the commands or worries that I should know what it will be like, later, in the future, and make sure it hurts as little as possible (assuming it could) I would feel peace, with this mysterious moment NOW.
I would feel adventurous, willing, looking forward to. I would realize it’s not possible to have regrets when opening to this reality.
“We know just how everything should be. We have the perfect, though ever-evolving, blueprint of just how things should be at every moment, including the imaginary moments of past and future. And if you look closely and honestly, it’s never like…THIS. We live in an ongoing argument in our heads in order to take our stand as independent entities instead of awareness.” ~ Fred Davis in Beyond Recovery
I turn my thoughts around and find the opposite to be as truer than my original thinking:
“The Master doesn’t try to be powerful, because she realizes how unnecessary that is. Power doesn’t need a plan. Everything gravitates to it. With each moment, new options are born. It’s like a Fourth of July sparkler: you light it with a match, and sparks fly. Each moment is like that, a new opportunity to be used. If someone says no, the Master sees options as the sparks flying from its center.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy
With love, Grace
P.S. Free guidebook to peaceful eating, is right HERE. You’ll enter your email again, and be added to the Peaceful Eating list along with receiving the new guide in your Inbox.
The big news of the day yesterday: I turned over on my stomach and got to take the leg brace off while lying very still.
The room was quiet, the lights bright, no one was home for a few hours.
After slowly maneuvering my torso to carefully turn over, never engaging the hamstring muscles on the right leg….letting it stay relaxed and dangling…
…I found myself staring into the corner space just past my mattress in my bedroom.
Nice view, now what.
Then I stared for thirty minutes at the stack of books, the far corner behind the dresser, the wire leading to the cell phone on the floor.
My worried smaller mind started in, as if taking some invisible bait.
Good news. They can dissolve as fast as they multiply. Really.
Is this a real story? Is this a true story?
Yes it’s true! I know this life is only for a while, even a short time in some cases! And unpredictable!
The reaction is the key. The reaction is pain and suffering, blooming and multiplying.
How do I react when I believe I am trapped, it all ends, my time here is limited, and this is depressing, boring, pointless or sad or terrible?
Physically weak, fearful, unhappy that I don’t know more, that I don’t understand. I want to understand All This, I think that then I will be more accepting, I will get it, I will grasp.
When I believe the thought that I am trapped here in this injured body, that can barely turn over today, I am frustrated, desperate…even if only for a moment.
Wringing my hands. Beating my chest. Worrying.
Feeling sorry for myself.
But who would I be without this story, these beliefs that I am trapped, stuck, bored, that my life is so temporary, that this moment RIGHT HERE is not a good one?
Without the thought that this, now, is bad?
Wow. It is so spacious. Something ungrips, uncurls. Waits.
Something is here, unknown, unplanned, far far far beyond whatever this person is who is lying in bed today. I remember other people, in other houses, other countries, words, poetry, sounds, music….life going on, life playing on.
I turn the thoughts around, the whole story right around upside down:
I do not need to know what is going on next, or next, or next.
The Worriers’ Guild
Today there is a meeting of the
Worriers’ Guild,
and I’ll be there.
The problems of Earth are
to be discussed
at length
end to end
for five days
end to end
with 1100 countries represented
all with an equal voice
some wearing turbans and smocks
and all the men will speak
and the women
with or without notes
in 38 languages
and nine different species of logic.
Outside in the autumn
the squirrels will be
chattering and scampering
directionless throughout the town
because
they aren’t organized yet.~ by Philip F. Deaver
Who would I be without my story?
Perhaps finding gentleness, kindness, darkness, space, light, disorganization, no plans, and no direction. And it is OK.
“I am a lover of what is, not because I’m a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality.” ~ Byron Katie
Much love,
Grace
Some time ago I was working with a man who was newly in business as a chiropractor. He wanted customers, and he felt like he was soooo struggling.
His voice was so sincere and kind, and I heard his disappointment and worry. He wanted to support his wife, he wanted to have kids, but he was feeling very unhappy about the lack of money coming in.
“This is way harder than I thought. I’m going to fail. I have to do something.”
I was there. I knew what he was talking about.
About 7 years ago I was losing everything I owned, and on the brink of losing my house.
I had been in a coach-training program, I had my master’s degree in behavioral science (from ten years before) and I was completing the certification for The Work.
I sent away for PhD program brochures, even though I had nothing left to pay for one of them.
I thought I needed to be in MORE action. I needed to DO something, ASAP.
I believed I had to have more experience, more credentials, more training and more authority, more discipline. I needed goals, plans and clear direction. I believed I was missing something, desperately.
Many authors, coaches, mentors, or teachers of well-being and human potential talk about ACTION and BEING.
Like they’re super different.
If you’re “being” you’re simply feeling it, kickin’ back, relaxed, not bossing yourself around, no schedule.
If you’re “acting” then you’re busy, fired up, excited and completing things.
It can be really rough when you believe you should be in action, or you should be “being” and you’re out of balance to one side or the other.
If you’re in action too much: wreckless, tired, driven, workaholic, busy, no time, burned out, angry, frustrated, determined, mad at other people, yelling at the slow traffic, making mistakes.
If you’re being too much: lazy, unaccomplished, no gains, everything stays the same or gets worse, unproductive, fearful, careful, defensive, too much time (and wasting time).
One of the best ways to identify your stressful thoughts about either of these conditions is to picture that person who represents either “action” orientation, or “being” orientation, and judge the heck outta them.
This is not judging yourself–you got that going on already, massively even.
Just try judging someone else instead.
The man I was working with was frightened of his parent’s criticism, and also comparing himself to other chiropractors who were way successful.
I myself found many judgments of some of the master coach trainers I had encountered in the world. They seemed to be saying “get off your ass” all the time.
GO GO GO!
Being interested so deeply in internal freedom, I rebel against that sort of thing!
I also noticed judgments of people who do nothing, who complain about their same job but never leave it, people who want a spouse but never go out or try to meet anyone or go on dates, people who want a thriving practice but get scared about promoting themselves, people who are upset about making mistakes, people who say they want to lose weight, but doing examine their relationship with food or movement.
Oh where to begin?
The man I was working with knew that he had such anxiety about income that he never stopped thinking frantically of his need to be in action. And yet, he was becoming immobile.
Not uncommon, but crazy, right?
Let’s do The Work and see.
I know what I could “do” but it’s too hard, will take too long, will mean I have to take risks, that I could fail. And I hate HAVING to do something.
Is this true? Can you absolutely know that you’d feel better if you never had to try to get a single client in your life? Can you know it’s true that you’ll be worn out, that you’ll fail, or that you’d have a lot MORE fun sitting around your house in your PJs?
Are you sure it will take too long? That its overwhelming? Are you positive that quitting is best, right now? Do you really need to give up altogether?
AND are you sure that if you took the entire day off, without being on task for getting what you want….that you wouldn’t get it?
I remember only about 2 years ago, thinking…if I have to keep working like this to build a private practice, then maybe it’s not worth it.
Fortunately, I had The Work so I could question my thinking.
How do you react when you believe you MUST take action NOW, or that you can’t relax? How do you react when you watch those other successful people and you criticize their lifestyle?
When I think I must take action NOW and it’s stressful, I quit, I exit, I drop the whole thing…or I feel aggressive, furious, competitive.
But who would I be without the thought that I MUST take action, or that I MUST be in non-action?
“Do what you love, and the money will follow? The first part of this sentence is true.” ~ David Whyte
Almost hard to even imagine this experience of NOT having the thought that you must be active or being. You mean, I only have to do whatever I do? Nothing more? Nothing less?
Without the thought, I simply notice that there are consequences that happen, whether I’m in action or not.
I do a fabulous gymnastics move, I tear my hamstring, I go to a business networking meeting, I have fun talking with people, I post on facebook, people come to the dance, I spend an hour a day writing, more and more people read, I take my son to breakfast, we have a wonderful conversation.
This then that. Nothing 100% guaranteed.
I turn it all around: This is going to be easier than I thought, I’m going to succeed, I don’t HAVE to do anything.
I notice I love creating programs that help people (and me) understand the mind and stressful thinking, I notice I adore writing every day, I love working with people, I love leading workshops, I love watching a great movie, I love going out to breakfast, I love reading.
I love noticing what I love. My preferences. I’m action, then not. It all blends together with being, steadiness, quiet, gentleness, power.
Here is a great video about this, Katie doing The Work with a woman who believed her father forced her to complete household tasks.
What’s The Reality Of Pressure?
“Until I take responsibility, the world is my problem.” ~ Byron Katie
Much love, Grace
Many years ago, on a quiet weekday afternoon, I was exhausted with sleep-deprivation, having a two year old toddler girl and a five year old son who had just started kindergarten.
My daughter went down for a nap. I rushed around picking up things off the floor then making my way to my bedroom to lie down, for just a little while.
This unusual day…I fell asleep in the silent house. The phone never rang, I didn’t get involved in some project, I didn’t start paying bills.
I woke with a start and sat up. The afternoon light didn’t look right.
Because normally, I have to get my daughter in the car and go fetch my son at school when the light is still bright, mid-afternoon light. My son comes out at a set time every day. There’s a spot for parents in cars. Some days, I carpool or other parents drive.
But Thursdays, I always go get my son.
In the very still, dense, quiet afternoon…I grasp that I had fallen asleep.
OMG! What time is it??!!
I was supposed to be there NOW. It would take me 30 minutes to drive there.
Have you ever driven from here to there filled with anxiety because you absolutely have to be there already?
I wish I had The Work or a way to have investigated what was true and what was not true at that time, with my small children.
Back then, I thought it was an EMERGENCY that I was so late.
My son Ben was only 5, he didn’t have a cell phone, I had no way to contact the teacher, I didn’t even know how to contact the school when the bell had already rung.
I put myself in my son’s little shoes and knew he would probably go to the pick up place and stand there.
My hand gripped the wheel and images reeled through my head of him being led away by an unsavory adult…of him crying as all the kids and buses and teachers left him standing alone….of him being abandoned.
I was sick to my stomach, in heavy thick traffic. Every driver went at the pace of a turtle. My heart was popping out of my throat.
Turning the corner into the sight of the pick up area, I saw his little purple coat, and him standing with his hood up, very still, both hands to his sides with his yellow lunch sack in one hand and his back pack that looked enormous on his small back.
I jumped out of the drivers seat of my car and I’m sure my face looked wild with apology.
Ahhh yes, if only I had The Work.
Because when I look back, my son Ben was actually PERFECTLY FINE.
He wasn’t maimed, injured, desperate, frightened.
I asked him “Were you worried? I am so, so, sorry. Mommy is so, so sorry.”
A little worried mommy.
I look back and see the teaching and the learning, passed along so innocently.
Now is the moment to think you were abandoned, that mom was unreliable, that you were let down….that mom is very sorry…and now that I’ave arrived you discover all is well, and you are relieved.
Who would I be without the thought that falling asleep, not waking up, being late, that Ben standing alone for 25 minutes without me picking him up….was terrible, was all my fault….and was all something I should have avoided and that he hated?
Now it’s 15 years later. I still think about that moment with sorrow. Except NOW, today, as the image flashes through my mind….I pause.
I say “Is that all true?”
No. No idea.
Was that a dangerous situation? Not really. Was it outrageous that I was so unreliable? No.
Who would you be without the thought that you need to GET THERE NOW, and it appears….you can’t.
Even if the situation is much more serious or critical than mine.
You might actually be present during the drive, instead of so freaked out that all you remember is the gripped steering wheel.
Who would you be without the thought that there was a mistake, in the past?
Especially with your young child, who may be much older now (or not)?
“Pain is the signal that you’re confused, that you’re in a lie….You are the solution to the problem–your apparent problem. No mother or son has ever done harm. We’re dealing with confusion here, that’s all. Through this work, we come to realize that.” ~ Byron Katie
Love, Grace
It was the evening of the day after Thanksgiving. The night was very dark and chilly. It had been a quiet day full of reading, (some clients for me), and watching an old movie we all wanted to see because it won Best Picture in 1970.
Inside our little cottage it was very toasty, bright and cozy.
My son then noticed he didn’t feel that good. He went to bed. In the morning, he threw up.
An hour later, he threw up again. And a little later, again.
Then my daughter threw up.
Going into “mom” mode, I’m getting them medicine, feeling their foreheads for their temperature, going out to buy them anything they’ll drink to get rehydrated. A day of attending to the sick, but doing other things as well.
We’re all analyzing what they ate, for food poisoning analysis.
Then, my husband threw up. He never gets sick, not like this.
I have the thought enter my mind “uh oh.”
Then right away, “Wow, I haven’t gotten it! It’s going to pass me by, I’m going to avoid it, maybe I’ll never feel a thing!”
A day later, I myself am throwing up, several times during the night. Followed by the fever and chills for 24 hours that everyone else also has.
A little experience of illness will get any mind going, if it’s not questioned, with thoughts of alarm.
In my mind, I’m thinking about the great plague of Europe and how it rampaged through everyone and killed the majority of the population.
The body is vulnerable, there is no one who is protected against illness, I can be destroyed.
Nooooooo!!!!!
(And by the way….I also thought….isn’t the whole torn off hamstring enough? Apparently not).
Fortunately for me, one of the YOI groups started its new topic this month: The Work on The Body.
I guide everyone through filling out the Judge Your Body worksheet right there on the phone together, so we take the time (so easy to dismiss) to sit and consider what our most stressful, painful, agonizing beliefs are about this body.
People found that as they allowed their judgments to come to the surface, they sometimes felt embarrassed or nervous about saying them out loud. Sometimes I have felt superficial when I identify my stressful beliefs on my body, like I shouldn’t care this much about the body being healthy, or looking “attractive” or being in top condition.
Everyone gets sick, stop complaining!
But rejecting these thoughts or shoving them away and trying to think positively doesn’t really work. Not when I’ve been sad, or terrified, anxious or alarmed.
So…..how wonderful to have The Work for identifying deeper emotional pain around living in this body.
“I shouldn’t get sick”.
Is it true?
Yes, how could that not be true? What purpose would getting sick offer? How could there be ANYTHING useful, good, or advantageous about getting sick?
Who set this universe up anyway?!!! I need to have a word!!!
(Notice how the mind goes from not liking the situation to finding out whose fault it is in less than 2 seconds).
Can I absolutely know that its true that I shouldn’t get sick? That no one should ever, ever get sick?
Well….since sickness has existed for as long as humans have existed, as far as I now, then it can not be true that sickness SHOULDN’T exist. Because it does.
But maybe I don’t know something about all this. Maybe my version of health or sickness is not quite….accurate, shall we say?
How do I react when I believe that I shouldn’t get sick, that my family shouldn’t, or that anyone I know shouldn’t?
When they get sick….I’m against it.
I’m sad, discouraged, angry, depressed, frightened. I think about the plague.
But who would I be without the thought that I shouldn’t get sick?
When our YOI group got to answering this question together on the phone, they almost didn’t know how to even imagine what they’d be like, without the thought that this body appeared to be a problem.
Yet if you take only a moment, without the thought that there is a problem….
….isn’t it lighter? Even quite astonishing?
The fear dissolves, the focus on this body softens. The sense of it being a part of a greater force of life, nature, or Whatever, is clear.
“The mind is only at war with itself. It’s as though on one side you have the terrified mind, the child, the I-know mind. “I’m so frightened, I’m so frightened! I have cancer, it’s so terrible, I know, I know, I know. I’m sick, I’m going to die.” And then over here, on the other side, we have the mind that is still and quiet and wise. This mind does not move. It rests in its own wisdom. When you put the questions in between them, it’s like a bridge for this one to travel over.” ~ Byron Katie
I turn the thought around to the opposite “I should get sick”.
This doesn’t mean I should believe that getting sick is the best and most wonderful thing that ever happened….but perhaps I am mistaken about its horrors.
For myself, I notice that in these past few days, examples of it being true that I should get sick (besides the obvious example that I WAS sick) was that I noticed how OK everything was anyway.
Our family kept talking about what we might have eaten, or how the illness traveled invisibly, or what was in our throw up, or how fascinating that the body does this weird thing.
Everyone was taking care of one another, everyone changed gears and stayed home.
I cancelled appointments and rescheduled them. I slept. I thought about the body and it’s vulnerability and felt a release, an acceptance, a surrender. No way out.
I may discover more. But I feel sort of….excited. Like it’s no big deal.
There is a mind here, present at all times, resting in its own wisdom. I have it, you have it….we all do.
“The Unknown is more vast, more open, more peaceful, and more freeing than you ever imagined it would be. If you don’t experience it that way, it means you’re not resting there; you’re still trying to know. That will cause you to suffer because you’re choosing security over Freedom. When you rest deeply in the Unknown without trying to escape, your experience becomes very vast. As the experience of the Unknown deepens, your boundaries begin to dissolve. You realize, not just intellectually but on a deep level, that you have no idea who or what you are.” Adyashanti
Who would you be without your story that your body is vulnerable, and this is a dangerous situation?
What if its not even YOUR body?
Love, Grace