Byron Katie – Page 24 – The Work of Byron Katie with Grace

February 10, 2014

Fat Thinking Creates Misery

I was looking at someone close to me during a class. He was looking forward at the teacher who was lecturing. I was staring with fascination at the belt around his waste which looked squeezed, with his shirt tightening with strain on either side of his stomach.

I had the thought that his stomach was too fat. Or his shirt was too small. And that he should un-tuck his shirt.

And then the thought that I shouldn’t be so rude as to think that thought.

In the current new Eating Peace class, we’ve taken a good look at our bodies by looking in the mirror.

And then there are Other Bodies, too.

Those bodies, the ones that look like THAT (fill in your own image) are beautiful, perfect, exciting, interesting, or attractive.

These other bodies, the ones that look NOT so perfect (fill in your other images like the one I had in my mind) are anywhere from slightly unappealing to repulsive.

Lumpy/Smooth, Thick/Narrow, Tight/Loose, Saggy/Firm, Wrinkled/Flat, Fat/Thin.

Even when I was a teenager, I would have not only the thought that something was ugly on a body…but also that I was stupid to be thinking that it was ugly.

I should control my judgmental thoughts about those other peoples’ bodies! And while we’re at it, I should also love my own body!

Major Dismal Failure at NOT judging.

So there I was, a teenager, seeing the world and it was jam-packed with images of other bodies.

It was so quick, I could easily tell you what was beautiful and ugly in one-half of a second.

I KNEW UGLY AND I KNEW ATTRACTIVE.

I was learning, or had learned, VERY quickly, very young. As soon as I could hear what adults were saying around me. As soon as I could see what people were drawn to, and how they behaved, and who they rejected or praised.

It was in the movies and on TV.

I KNEW already at the age of 8 that when I sat on a table one day, and my thighs spread out in a squished way with my legs hanging over the edge of the desk.

I was shocked at the time.

“I have fat thighs?! I did not realize this! Terrible! They are ugly!”

“100 percent of your misery is brought on by your dishonest, unconscious thinking. That’s what a lie feels like….if you think you’re too fat, it’s not about your body, it’s about your mind. It’s about imagination running wild…The mind doesn’t have the question IS IT TRUE? to stop it, so that it can reconsider, so that it can bring itself to sanity. Sanity is a word I equate with love, with intelligence and maturity. An immature mind, is a mind that hates itself.” ~Byron Katie

I’ve had the thought that someone was too fat. That person should lose weight. They should exercise. Something is wrong with how they are taking in food.

Plus, another person I love I thought of as waaaaaaaay too focused on the body (and it wasn’t me).

She should get off this whole get-the-body-perfect thing. What a waste of energy, time, resources, focus! Jeez!

Can you call up an image of someone you know who is “fat” and who you think shouldn’t be?

Let’s do The Work.

Is it true that they would be better off thinner? Is it true they are actually FAT?

Is it true that they represent everything that fatness means?

Undisciplined, lazy, unhealthy, scared, angry, pudgy, needy, unhappy, self-centered, or don’t love themselves?

Are they really unattractive? Do people reject them, are they lonely? Are they less than spiritual, or unconscious?

Really?

No. It’s actually not true. At all.

What is really the problem with anyone in this world being fat?

I’ve noticed that the world, the universe, Reality actually contains bodies which are of all different qualities. The variety is enormous, in fact, and actually infinite.

I notice that without the thought that anyone’s Body should be different than the way it actually appears in this moment, then the creativity and variety is magnificent.

All these bodies everywhere being themselves….

Could it be that any way a body appears here, now, is just right?

See how amazing it feels to be with this thought.

Back (once again) to leaving everything alone.

What was too fat, was my thinking. When I think someone else is too fat, or anything about me is too fat…..my thinking is slow, full, repetitive, thick, heavy, extra, big, dark, overflowing, wide, depressing.

Fortunately, my thinking is not ME.

Just like my body isn’t ME.

“God, or your essential nature, is not Something. Not Content. Not Form. The best description with words is to say what it is NOT….It can be known in the silent space of stillness which is in everyone…”~ Eckhart Tolle

What if you walked around today, or sat around, or maybe the body you appear to have is lying around…what if you were here and entirely and completely without the thought that what your body looks like or represents IS you?

What if you are much more than that. Or not even that, at all.

Love, Grace

P.S. The Horrible Food Wonderful Food weekend is approaching in April 4-6, Friday evening through Sunday 5 pm. We’ll be looking at what we think about our bodies. Reply back if you’re interested and I’ll keep you up to date.

February 8, 2014

Big Ego Gets Spit Out Of The Universe

I was sitting cross-legged on a brown carpeted floor in a large circle of people. We were in an enormous log cabin far up a winding dirt road in the mountains, thick green forest outside, cool scented summer air coming in through the big screened windows.

Each person was sharing the answer to three questions.

What’s your name? Where did you spend a lot of time growing up? Who haven’t you forgiven?

One of the workshop leaders had explained that you haven’t forgiven someone if you feel resentful, furious, critical or irritated in the presence of someone….or even just thinking about them.

As people shared, one by one, my turn to go grew closer and closer. My heart was starting to beat a little faster.

I was nervous about sharing, period.

Everyone stares at you! They make judgments! I could say something stupid! And by the way, I can’t answer that question about who I haven’t forgiven….because I’m irritated with EVERYONE! I’m too angry, judgmental and critical myself!

But here I was. I had signed up for this for three whole days to learn about anger, resentment and speaking one’s truth…..or something like that. I was only 24.

So far, 45 minutes had gone by.

Fortunately for me, somewhere along the road I recognized that the one who thinks she is important, unique, independent, an individual personality…..is not exactly any of those things.

One of my deepest underlying beliefs back then: I have a problem. I must fix it. I must change myself. This will perhaps help other people around me to change. It has to get better.

Is it true, that I need to fix something? Something about me, something about you?

I need things to change…is that absolutely true?

Of course! That’s why I’m on this stupid retreat!

How do I react, though, when I believe these thoughts that I need change….yesterday?

I gather information, I make plans, I get an agenda, I wonder about myself, and others.

There’s an energy of push, forcing, lazer-beam direction. I get pictures of the future better-looking world.

I’m against stuff. Even my own thinking.

Especially my own thinking.

So who would I be if I couldn’t have the thoughts that there is a problem around here, things need to be corrected, I have to do something, and that I should fix my own mind?

Who would I without the thought that I really should be more forgiving, or forgive anyone, or be a “better” person and that I better get on that right away?

Weird. I’m used to trying to fix myself. So much to fix, so little time…..right? So many self-improvement course, techniques, workshops, trainings.

“Only a huge ego could say that you’re supposed to be doing something that you’re not doing. If it’s required, just start moving toward it–get the job done. And if you can’t get the job done, it’s because it’s not required. It’s your attempt to mess up the universe, and the universe won’t have it. It would prefer perfection. It does its job. The universe does what’s required. It spits you out–have you noticed?” ~ Byron Katie

I’m raising my hand here! I’ve noticed!

When I argue with what is happening, with another person’s behavior, with my own thoughts, with my own agenda, even about whether or not I should be forgiving….it really doesn’t feel good. Or true.

Turning the thoughts around….

….I do not have a problem. It is not necessary for ME to fix this. I must not try to change myself. No one around me needs to change. It will never get better.

Suddenly laughter wells up. This is not up to me. I am not the boss of How Things Unfold.

As people share in the circle on the retreat, everyone begins to look so sweet, thoughtful, pensive. Everyone is so sincere.

Coming all this way to spend some time with others, enter the unknown, listen, experience something different.

I suddenly want to hug everyone. Even if I’ve never met any one of them before. I feel joy with this place.

Why, I could probably call up my old ex-boyfriend right now, or my mean old grandpa, or that infuriating 4th grade teacher, and tell them “I love you!”

Wow, I can even see the advantages in those people chewing me up and spitting me out.

I’m not sure I can thank them for it…but I can so see how it’s helped me become so deeply powerful (in a good way) with my own rooted capacity to love unconditionally.

Like a light beam planted deep in the earth, never to be moved.

Oh. Forgiveness. I think I’m getting it.

“By watching your mind, you will notice that it is in the process of trying to make everything okay. Consciously remember that this is not what you want to do, and then gently disengage. Do not fight it. Do not ever fight your mind. You will never win.” ~ Michael Singer

I hope this retreat never ends.

February 5, 2014

Eeeek I Need To Ask For Help

I was talking with my mom on the phone. I called her because I had the pool schedule, and she had offered to take me swimming again.

I had discovered a rehabilitation warm-water pool about 30 minutes away from my home…perfect for me and my stiff, hurting body after lying in bed for 3 weeks after my leg surgery.

My mom had picked me up and taken me and gotten in the pool with me, following me with my crutches and helping me get dressed in the locker room.

I couldn’t lean over to pick up anything, or reach my right foot.

She had to put on my sock and tie my shoe, like when I was four.

Now we were talking on the phone and I was excitedly telling her about when we could go again.

But I heard a hesitation in her voice.

“The chlorine kind of bothers me. I’m not sure I’ll be able to stick with this. I’m wondering if you have any other options for people who could drive you?”

Oh.

Rats.

A feeling of embarrassment came up through me. I had the thought that while I had enjoyed myself, she had not.

The thing is, people often want to help you when you have an accident, or you’re sick, or you have a very rough experience–maybe a devastating loss, an abrupt change, a shocking diagnosis.

But sometimes….the help can feel uncomfortable.

Like, you’re weighing and measuring how much help is OK, whether or not you should really ask for All That, and if the person who is offering help really means it.

It’s a strange doubt that enters.

The one where even though someone is saying “please tell me what I can do to help” but you think “they will think I’m a pain in the ass if I tell them what they could really do to help”.

Discomfort can even overcome us when we need to ask directions, or for the bathroom key, or for a different meal, or for the late fee to be removed.

These kinds of stressful thoughts are cloudy, confusing, worrisome, and anxiety-producing.

Is that person pleased or repulsed by my need for help?

Let’s take a look and see what could be going on when you’re in need of something, but you’re afraid to ask…or you’ve asked, and the answer appears to be “no”.

She doesn’t like me
He’s just too busy–other things are more important
She’ll feel obligated
He’ll do it, be secretly resentful and I’ll pay for it later
He’ll think I owe him
They’ll think something’s wrong with me
They’ll feel uncomfortable about saying no, even though they want to

Is it true that someone might feel obliged, resentful, owed if they help you?

Yes! They might not feel comfortable saying no, and then feel stuck and like they should help.

It could come between us. They might avoid me.

Even if they are a stranger, they might feel all twisted up inside and want to run for the hills because they don’t even like being asked.

Can I absolutely know that it’s true that all these possibilities are to be avoided, that they are dangerous outcomes? Can I absolutely know that if someone says “no” that they don’t like me anymore?

No.

How do I react when I believe that I shouldn’t impose, shouldn’t ask for too much help, should do things by myself, or that it’s much better to be entirely independent and need nothing?

How do I react when I believe that people don’t tell the truth, feel stuck, or feel like they are owed something for helping?

I NEVER ask anyone for anything! If I really need something, I agonize about who, when, where and how to ask. I do everything I can to get what I need without putting anyone out.

Phew, it’s a lot of work being in other peoples’ business!

Who would I be without the thought that receiving a “no” is bad, for any reason? Without the thought that someone saying “no” means something about me?

Can you imagine having a “no” be just as fabulous as a “yes”?

How exciting!

Without that thought, everything feels easy, fun, full of humor. Not serious, grave and heavy.

Without the thought….absolute freedom to ask, to hear the answer, to confirm, to have conversations about what works and what doesn’t.

Turning the thoughts around: she still loves me, he may be too busy and that’s fine (it doesn’t mean I’m not important), people will or won’t feel obliged and it doesn’t really matter, he’ll tell the truth honestly with a “yes” or “no”, they’ll think something’s right with me for asking, it’s not my business if they feel uncomfortable saying “no”.

The only thing I am responsible for is asking for what I want, hearing the answer, moving on.

That’s it.

So simple.

Nothing personal.

“I trust everyone. I trust them to do what they do, and I’m never disappointed. And since I trust people, I know to let them find their own way. The wonderful thing about inquiry is that there’s no one to guide you but you. There’s no guru, no teacher who, in her great wisdom, shows you the answers. Only your own answers can help you. You yourself are the way and the truth and they life, and when you realize this, the world become very kind.” ~ Byron Katie

I find my own “yes” and “no” and so does everyone else. What they want is kind, for me. Every request and every answer is felt with trust and respect…no fear of the truth, no personal meaning.

Who would you be without the story that asking for help, and any answer you receive, is dangerous, or any kind of a problem, whatsoever?

Love, Grace

February 4, 2014

How To Get The To-Do List All Done

The word “whelm” comes from an old English term that meant to overturn a vessel. Totally submerged, turned upside down, drowning, helpless.

Today, I glanced at the clock knowing I had exactly two hours to respond to a bunch of emails, write for 50 minutes on my book proposal (at least that’s my little plan), take a shower, finish my taxes, work with a client, write this blog, fix something on my website, watch a training video, and make a green smoothie.

If I really did all of that, it would take five hours. Depending on the speed needed for the email replies.

The mind kicks in…what can I cut?

Not enough time! Not enough time! Not enough time!

And then there’s a few more personal messages I would actually like to respond to but naturally, not enough time for those, either.

When time appears to be limited, with more things to do in it than what allows….a strange dynamic gets built that believes in TIME and that MORE of it will resolve this state of un-done-ness.

Yesterday, I unexpectedly devoted a lot of time to my wonderful son who is 19. He needed fairly quick medical attention and we had to see an ear, nose and throat surgeon/specialist.

After a fascinating two-hour visit (I got to see a film of his inner ear on a big screen and a bunch of weird stuff inside it) and a procedure, the next step was driving son back to college. Ninety minutes away.

3.5 more hours for me out of my “schedule”.

Now, because I love caring for my kid and have zero trouble with whatever needs to happen there, the whole afternoon and evening I did not consider a waste of time, and I loved spending time with him….

….but I had the thought this morning that I don’t have enough of it to allow for surprises, changes, hitches, cancellations.

Then, in comes the itchy little thoughts. I need more time, and for these reasons (x, y, and z) I am getting held back. I should cancel my dinner date tonight. I should skip my own physical therapy appointment later.

Uh oh. Overwhelm is descending. The boat is getting turned over.

Ahhh….must inquire.

What do I actually need more time for?

Creativity, building and making everything I’m thinking into a reality, connection, success!

And what do I need creativity for? What would I have, if I had my creations manifested into reality? What would it mean if I emailed back, traded communications with people? What would I have if I had success?

I’d feel Happy! Powerful! In Service! Mighty! Joyful! Rooted!

Quite remarkable what I think more time would give me…like it’s an obvious stepping stone to feeling strength, happiness, and joy.

Woah.

If I just had more time, I wouldn’t feel so incomplete, unfinished, unstable, small, limited, insecure, unsafe……

I suddenly picture I’m at the end of my life, still with the thought.

Please….just a little bit more time? God? Source? Reality? Universe?

Like I’m asking something Out There.

More. Now. I personally need it.

I see how I am when my convinced mind that believes that More Time would offer greater happiness.

I get all worked up internally, going fast, speedy. I feel an adrenaline rush. I don’t go to the bathroom until I’m bursting. I don’t ever pick up the phone when it rings. I feel irritable with interruptions.

I think about canceling things I love to do most.

Like I’m running a race and I’ll wait til it’s over before I slow down, or take care of basic needs, or simply enjoy myself, or pay attention to anything except the finish line.

So who would I be without the thought that I need more time and there’s not enough of it right now?

Writing this Grace Note. Taking a long, deep breath.

Without the thought that anything is actually un-done?

An even deeper breath.

Everything good the way it is. Everything brilliant the way it is. I stop and look around the room, hearing the air of the heater, listening to the mail truck drop off mail, feeling my sweater on my arms, relaxing.

Turning the thought around: Everything is completely and entirely Done right now, in this moment, as much as it needs to be for my happiness….I do not need More Time.

“As soon as your idea of enlightenment becomes time-bound, it’s always about the next moment. You may have a deep spiritual experience and then ask, ‘How long will I sustain this experience?’ As long as you insist on the question, you remain time-bound. If you are still interested in time and the spiritual accumulations you can have in time, you will get a time-bound experience. The mind is acting as if what you are looking for isn’t already present right now….So you miss what’s actually here.” ~ Adyashanti

Here now is a beautiful silver laptop, and a full spectacular mind thinking many thoughts, words spilling out onto the screen, images of meeting a very close friend for dinner later, feeling the joy of creativity in this moment, feeling in service, noticing how very safe I am, connected to the flow of life…

….joyfully unfinished, not done.

No submerged boat. Not whelmed. Not underwater, not drowning.

FLOATING, face up to the gorgeous sky, feeling everything.

Could it be TRUER right now that I am complete, finished, stable, expansive, unlimited, secure, safe……OR happily incomplete, unfinished and never actually DONE?

Into my mind comes the picture of butterfly eggs, caviar, dandelion seeds….the burst of multiple millions of something in nature but only a few actually become fertilized.

The eggs that aren’t fertilized aren’t screaming for more time.

Maybe thoughts and to-do lists are like that, too.

So you just pick the ones you feel joy about getting born, and move into the activity of completing those (or not) and notice what is here, now.

Nothing more is required. Nothing.

“Nothing comes ahead of its time.” ~ Byron Katie

Love, Grace

January 30, 2014

Best. Relationship. Ever.

The other day, a new friend shared with me that a relationship expert and mentor she very much appreciates told her if you feel attraction to anyone over a six on the richter scale….

….run the other way, fast.

In other words, if you’re getting thrown off kilter, toppled over, if the ground is moving….DANGER DANGER!

It made me laugh.

I’ve had a couple of those off-the-charts explosive attractions.

Of course, when I look back, they were big invitations for expressing true love….and I didn’t always do that.

Let me explain.

I totally get why a relationship expert would joke that runningaway if you feel Big Crazy Love might offer a better outcome than running toward.

Thank goodness for the Tuesday Year of Inquiry group this past week. We’ve been looking at attraction, sexuality, dating, romance for the past month…

…and the power of the group connecting together to hear each other’s thoughts and work in inquiry together was soooo valuable.

I’ve had this feeling about intense feelings not only with romantic flares, but others as well.

People in our YOI could relate.

That person should settle down, not move so quick, relax, quit acting so excited, stop being so intense, stop pushing, asking, inviting, showing up, calling, emailing, texting, pestering, returning. Get a grip!

It’s too much! They should back off!

Many years ago when I was in my twenties I was in an office building at the end of the day. It was 5 pm and pitch dark. A north American winter.

I had just been getting to know a man I met in an improv theater class. We had gone out to dinner and had a great conversation for hours.

Leaving my job, I got a phone call from him at my desk.

I had told him where I worked but never given him the number. He had looked up the organization in the phone book, called the main reception, and tracked me down.

I laughed and said “no problem” but I had just a wee bit of a weird feeling, or a question, or a slight spark of alertness.

I ignored it.

The building emptied out, people waving goodbye to me as they passed my door, and soon I was the only person left.

I continued on the phone with my new friend, flirting, joking around, but then he said “Hey, I just got to your work, I’m parked out front.”

Uh. Too much. Too fast. Too intense. Not invited.

Fear raced through my veins.

I said I wasn’t done working, which was actually true, but I normally wouldn’t have stayed at my office to finish my tasks that day, I would have taken them home.

After some light conversation, he told me he was leaving.

I stayed at my desk for 2 hours, until the janitor arrived. I was frightened.

Let’s see what it would be like if back then I had The Work.

Is it true that it’s too much and therefore he should back off?

Yes. Then I wouldn’t have to say anything, or notice how much I don’t like this.

I want him to change, I want him to chill.

Can I absolutely know that it’s true that he should? Am I sure that he should be different, rather than me?

No. Rats. I thought it would be easier for the other person to change.

I don’t like where this is going.

How do I react when I believe I need to escape, it’s too much, I can’t handle it, they are too big, loud, noisy, overbearing, scary, intense…whatever that other person does TOO MUCH of?

I squirm. I get really frightened. I run. I avoid.

But who would I be without the thought that he was too forward, too pushy, too grabby, too full of assumptions, too…..too?

I love this question. So beautiful. So fun.

There that person is, being chaotic, busy, wild, excessive, extreme, surprising….and you do not have the thought that there’s no way to handle it but to run for the hills?

I’d feel clear, direct, focused, aware. I’d tell the truth.

I’m surprised you’re here. It feels strange to me. It’s odd that you tracked me down at work, I don’t want to talk with you while at my job. I can’t see you right now. I’m uncomfortable with what you’re doing. I’m not able to meet you. I hear you, and my answer is no.

Even parents have trouble with their thoughts and a screaming child, along these lines.

Who would THEY be without the belief that it’s too much, too big, too loud for them to handle? That their kid is wrong for being the way they are being, and should stop, NOW?

“We perceive something as an enemy, when all we need to do is be present with it. It’s just love arising in a form that we haven’t understood yet…..Your enemy is the teacher who shows you what you haven’t healed yet….(and that doesn’t mean you have to invite them to dinner). No one can be my enemy until I perceive him as threatening what I believe.” ~ Byron Katie

I turn the thoughts around: they should be this way, they are not too much, I can say yes or no and be totally honest, I am receiving good information, there is no disappointment, upset, or defense needed.

I am safe, clear.

If that form is love arising then I am love arising too.

Complete freedom. No need to be against them. Honest expression. Truth.

I speak with strength from my heart, with love that is like a strong rod, rooted in the earth. I care for myself, I care for them.

“Negative feelings are in you, not in reality. Stop trying to change reality. That’s crazy! Stop trying to change the other person. We spend all our time and energy trying to change external circumstances, trying to change our spouses, our bosses, our friends, our enemies and everybody else. We don’t have to change anything. Negative feelings are in YOU.” ~ Anthony DeMello

Thank you Big Crazy Love for showing up. It showed me every time where I needed to be more real, gentle, expressive, kind…

….and to express my own big crazy love, not just for that other person, but most of all, for me.

What would it be like if YOU were your number one biggest fan, and you held yourself, took care of yourself, loved and trusted yourself, did the kindest thing you could imagine for yourself, rescued yourself, in the presence of that tough person?

Best. Relationship. Ever.

With love, Grace

January 28, 2014

Missing Real Life By Trying To Achieve Something

There is nothing like a group to encourage, celebrate, learn, connect, and challenge your personal perceptions of the world.

The group doesn’t have to be big.

The group can even be a group of two.

But that contact with another serves as one of the most incredible opportunities for juicy, visceral awakening to who you are that is possible.

This past week I got to be with incredible people from several countries and continents, in two different groups.

The first? We were all gathered around big round tables with white table cloths in a conference room at a hotel. Food, hot drink, kind faces, people sharing.

The second? People sitting close on couches and soft chairs in a living room, tea mugs nearby, food on the kitchen island. People sharing.

The first was for business leadership, the second for spiritual leadership. Me being a leader in my own life.

And yet, not so much.

More like learning to STOP leading!

Here’s why:

As I sat in the company of other amazing people, I became aware of how little I can manage, how there is nothing really necessary to do, and how much the thought “I have to achieve something”all by myself has been stressful.

Let’s take a look with The Work.

Have you ever had the belief that you need to achieve, build, create, go for something, get something, understand, accomplish, manage, attend to, grow, win?

Most people have.

There are books written on how to accomplish and build, on how to win. Including spiritual awareness or enlightenment. Definitely on business.

But it is really true?

Are you sure you need to plan, control, manage, drive or build something?

Yes! I say yes! I need to work at it! Give myself pep talks (or get them from other people)!

Go Go Go! Success is coming!

However, can I really know it’s absolutely true that I need to lead? That I really do need to achieve something?

Not at all. Not when I think about it.

Nothing really has to be done or accomplished…at least not by me.

The groups prove it.

I get this body, called Grace, over to that location where there’s been an agreed-upon time and we all connect, listen, contemplate and feel alive together.

Sometimes there’s aggravation with others, or one other person…oh good. Inquiry time.

Sometimes there’s a feeling of great unity and joy.

But all that’s required is being there and noticing, watching the mind have its opinions about where or what you’re supposed to be.

Who would I be without the thought that I need to achieve something, soon, or tomorrow, or yesterday?

Without the thought that I need to be something bigger and better than I am?

Completely and totally free.

“If you are content with being nobody in particular, content not to stand out, you align yourself with the power of the universe. What looks like weakness to the ego is in fact the only true strength. This spiritual truth is diametrically opposed to the values of our contemporary culture and the way it conditions people to behave.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

I turn the thought around: I do NOT need to achieve anything. I do not need to be better, more improved, or different than I am.

Wow. Could that be true?

Because what I notice is that achievement happens, I grow, leadership gets developed, learning and connections occur.

“The miracle of love comes to you in the presence of the uninterpreted moment. If you are mentally somewhere else, you miss real life.” ~ Byron Katie

I adore showing up to hang with other people. I love them all, the new friends and the old.

Together, we all do, say, think, feel, live.

Joy!

Nothing required. Imagine that.

With love, Grace

P.S. If you’re wanting a group to journey with for a whole year in self-inquiry using The Work then join us on Fridays, March 7, 2014 – February 2015. We dive in, get to know each other deeply, and live honestly. It’s wonderful.

January 27, 2014

Fear Loves You To Fight It

Dreams can be really disturbing. The ones you have at night, when you’re sleeping.

Random, chaotic, funny…..or horrifying.

The other night I woke up terrified because I was falling off a cliff. I’ve had this dream before. During a meditation retreat.

The body reacts as if the dream really happened. I woke up with my heart beating wildly, and adrenaline shooting through my veins.

Sometimes people say it’s hard to shake the nightmare when they have one, it may haunt them for awhile during their day.

Movies can bring on the same physical reactions. It’s like we’re on an emotional ride with the characters we’re watching.

We start sobbing when someone dies, or grit our teeth when someone does mean, bullying things.

Often when people have bad dreams, or see unsettling movies, they will they exclaim that they wish they could forget about it.

God, I wish I’d stop feeling so scared, quit picturing that awful scene. I wish I hadn’t ever seen that film! I wish I didn’t ever have that nightmare! What’s wrong with my mind, showing me such rotten, freaky scenarios! Jeez!

We don’t want to bring up a bad memory, either.

I wish it would GO AWAY. I wish I would forget that ever happened!

The thing is, resisting the dream, being against it, pushing it away, believing that you need to forget about it ASAP….

…often brings on the opposite of what you’re seeking: more fear, anger, worry, dread.

When I used to compulsively eat, my fear was obvious. The eating was frantic, secretive, like a big scream. I ate fast, viciously and feverishly. Like I was starving to death.

Some people eat, or smoke, or drink, or engage in all the tons of other kinds of addictive behaviors like shopping or computer surfing out of a similar fear….dread, worry, nervousness, anxiety.

What if we took a look at that feeling of fear, and questioned our judgments of it, using The Work?

Is it true that the images you see should go away, that you should be calm, not anxious…that you should be relaxed instead of triggered?

Yes! Of course! Who wants to be haunted by a bad dream, or a scary movie?

Are you crazy?

Can you absolutely know that it’s true, without doubt…I mean do you really know that whatever has frightened you should vanish from your mind?

That you should forget it? Like it never happened?

No. Apparently there’s memory, visions, images, remembering over and over, revisiting, looking.

I have no idea if that shouldn’t occur.

Your answer may still be “yes” though. You may feel the dream should stop scaring you, should stop being there in your mind.

So how do you react when you believe the thought that whatever has frightened you should leave? That the fear itself should vanish, ASAP?

For me…I spent a lot of time running.

Quick! Distract yourself! Quick! Find the scary thing and kill it! Quick! Find comfort! Quick! Slam the door and lock it!

I shouldn’t have this feeling! I hate this feeling! I can’t stand this feeling!

But who would you be without the thought? Without the belief that fear, anxiety, nervousness or dread will destroy you and should be avoided?

Strange, right? Without the thought that Fear Is Bad?

I would be a little more open to it. I’d allow it to be as it is. It’s an energy. A wave. It comes and goes.

I’d notice I have no control over this thing called “fear”.

If I wasn’t against fear, I wouldn’t attack the things that produced it, like movies or bad dreams (or people).

I wouldn’t protect myself with such care, making sure I don’t ever feel fear or anxiety.

Without the thought that fear must be gotten rid of…must leave…?

I’d be so much more open, inviting more in, not running away. Standing on solid ground, rooted, willing, letting go.

Without the thought that feeling fear is a terrible thing, I’d take a huge deep breath, and then another.

I turn the thought around:

This sensation, this image, this mental picture, this feeling….. should stay. This horrible scene in my mind is OK to allow to be there. This wretched memory doesn’t absolutely have to go.

As odd as it may seem, when I allow everything to stay right here, including the terror of death-by-falling-off-a-cliff it begins to look lighter.

Letting that bad, terrible scene you really experienced be there, instead of fighting to get rid of it, you may finally find your sweet relief.

“This energy of fear loves a good fight. It’s an internal bully. It LOVES for you to try to get rid of it. To try to transcend it. To try to go beyond it. Fear loves it, it feeds on it. The more you try not to be afraid, the more afraid you get. The more you try not to be anxious, the more anxiety you feel….[Instead], grant permission for almost infinite space for fear and anxiety.” ~ Adyashanti

What I notice is, I can’t get rid of fear. Fear happens.

Nightmares or dreams, or vivid memories occur. They fill the mind’s eye.

But letting these pictures be there is honest.

I’m afraid.

When I don’t argue with reality, I feel afraid, and then I feel space, or I feel comfort, or I feel love.

I live through frightening things. I live through feelings of fear.

“In my experience, we don’t make thoughts appear, they just appear. One day, I noticed that their appearance just wasn’t personal. Noticing that really makes it simpler to inquire.” ~ Byron Katie

Don’t be afraid of your fear, your pictures of fear, your fearful dreams, your fearful memories.

You are here despite them all.

All is well.

With love, Grace

January 15, 2014

Worrying About Wants, Cravings and Desires

When people have the experience of over-doing, over-indulging, going too far, having too much, stuffing in work, food, money, experiences, love, sex….

grabbing, craving, wanting, getting, gimme…..

….there is often a judgment that follows about this feeling of desire that it is to be avoided, crushed, and suppressed.

Pleasure? Bad. Desire? Worse. Obsessive craving? Horrid.

Based on past experience of how horrible it feels to have a hangover, or be stuffed with food, or neglect your kids because you’re working so hard….the mind thinks “this craving must be stopped, it’s dangerous”.

I sure thought that.

So have many people I’ve worked with on their addictive experience, whatever it is. Not just food (my personal favorite) but all kinds of other cravings.

People have told me they wished they could have a lobotomy and cut out the part of their mind that WANTS.

I think the Puritans agreed. And Ascetics.

Anyone interested in controlling themselves and practicing abstaining from “that-seductive-thing”.

Well, that never worked well for me. Like not even for 5 minutes. And I felt really, really bad about it.

Recently, I was remembering a short period of time where I felt that obsessive form of energy about a man.

Instead of cringing the minute I remembered that crush-fear-danger-magnetic-disgust….

….I let the memory live in my mind.

Those memories that make you cringe? GREAT ones for The Work of course!!

Bring ’em on!

That attraction was dangerous.

Is it true?

Yes. He was nuts, he lied, he dropped off the face of the earth, he was depressed. I was SAD.

Can I absolutely KNOW that it’s true that the feeling of attraction was dangerous?

No!

Were my binge-eating, drinking, smoking, over-working, addictive drives ultimately dangerous?

No. I’m still here.

Things got broken apart. Ideas got torn up. Plans got blitzed.

And something new started in its place. Something much more peaceful and expansive.

Something was always there underneath all the destroying and creating going on up on the roller-coaster ride mental surface.

How do I react when I believe that all this wanting or craving is bad news?

I’m against all wanting, craving, desire. I think I need to be vigilant.

I start being against hunger, against the body having needs, against noticing what I find pleasing.

It all gets balled up in one big thought that I want to throw all craving in the garbage.

And if I have one second of craving, I call myself an idiot.

Ouch.

Who would you be without the thought that craving, desiring, wanting, or reaching is bad for me, dangerous, destructive, or wrong?

You mean….this craving could be safe? Neutral? Not something to be afraid of? Natural?

Not something I have to DO something about?

Yes.

Here’s the amazing thing that happens, and I began to notice this long ago around food and eating. If I paused and made no decision, didn’t hack the feeling to bits….

….relaxed, waited….sometimes only for one moment….the craving passed.

Like a wave.

“Each time we move to modify, alter, neutralize or try to get rid of the energies arising, we’re back in the cycle of addictive seeking. We’re looking for something else, something more. We’re trying to control our experience and the thoughts and feelings coming through. We’re overlooking the natural rest of presence.” ~ Scott Kiloby

Turning the thought around:

Being drawn over towards something out there (including a person) is safe, good.

I come back to me, here, now and feeling this thing I’m calling a craving, or an attraction.

Let it be.

Allowing any desires, wants, pleasures to arise and be present….I notice they NEVER stay in the same place.

They build, they shift, they change, they fall away. They are created and they are destroyed.

“Thoughts are like the wind, or the leaves on the trees, or the raindrops falling. They’re not personal, they don’t belong to us, they just come and go.” ~ Byron Katie

The relief of knowing that the actual feeling of craving is safe, and normal, can be very liberating.

Who are you without the thought that your attractions are dangerous?

With love,

Grace

January 13, 2014

Mind-Made Not Enougher Videos

Have you ever noticed how quickly your own self-evaluation can win the prize for Vicious Monster or Nit Picky Critic?

You may have met others with mean voices….but the ones you direct towards yourself?

Wow, they can be tough.

When I watched myself for the first time on video the other day (the one I sent you) I wasn’t really mean about it to myself….but I did have a few thoughts.

The difference is in believing them. Joining with them, being sure they are true.

I used to feel a sinking, absolutely horrendous sense of failure, doom or fear about appearing badly.

I thought that if other people saw me with disapproval or negativity, it was about the worst thing that could happen.

My thoughts on watching myself might be like the ones you have if you glance at yourself in the mirror, or see photos of yourself, or have someone give you feedback that isn’t exactly full of praise.

The ones I had the other day ran like this:

I am looking up constantly, it looks like I’m having a conversation…..with the ceiling
fix the lighting you dork! you are too dark!
I speak too slowly or incoherently, not articulate enough
I didn’t have a story to really show how powerful questioning pain can be

Not long ago I was working with a man who I’ve been privileged to facilitate for a long long time. In his life, especially with work and career, he repeatedly has believed “I’m not good enough”.

It comes up so often for many people. And while this belief can be helpful and interesting to question, there is sometimes such a big agenda to Fix That Negative Thought About Me….

….that the real truth can’t really be revealed very easily.

Basically, I can find how my own list while watching myself could fit under the Heading: Not Good Enough.

Byron Katie warns all the time against doing The Work on yourself.

Such a huge penchant for self-improvement, and it can be almost like an obsession (not that I would know about that)!

But let’s take a closer look and see what might be discovered here.

Is it even true that you aren’t good enough?

Good enough for what?

This is a really valuable question to ponder, and often over-looked or brushed right by.

If you stop and take a look at what you believe you aren’t good enough for….it may start breaking apart your bubble of suffering.

I’m not good enough to create immediate, mind-blowing transformation for people who watch this video.

OK, I can even turn it down a notch: I’m not good enough to make an impact, to make a difference, to effect change.

Now why on earth would I want to do that? What would that give me, if I knew I made a difference or supported change?

Fame? Fortune? Appreciation? Influence? Worthiness? And what would having any of these give me?

You can answer the question from that part of you that cares. Even if another part wants to pooh-pooh this investigation as unnecessary.

What would being truly good enough bring you, if you were?

Safety, Ease, Empowerment, Rest and Relaxation, Gratitude, Joy, Worth.

It’s like there’s a clear image of the Perfect Me, the one who is Good Enough.

My client who has seen this thought rise up over and over has a vision of earning lots of money, and that if he did, he would finally feel good enough.

No debt. Giving lots of gifts. Feeling free.

Others feel that if they had a good body, or ate well, they would be good enough.

Have you ever noticed that this imagined-one-that-is-enough is in the future, or hanging over your head in an imagined ghost ideal version?

“Many people live with a self that is very unpleasant, that creates a lot of problems, a lot of suffering, that continuously criticizes them, that continuously blames them, that tells them they’re not enough…..The mind-made image is connected to thought, to continuous thinking. It’s fueled by, perpetuated by, upheld by the continuous thought processes many of which are about “me”, and my “self.” And so through thought I have a relationship with a thought-made entity, which sometimes feels quite comfortable and sometimes feels not pleasant.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

So is it true that you are not good enough right now, in this present state (even with that blunder you made, or with being mediocre)?

Are you sure you are lacking safety, ease, joy, peace, empowerment, joy, worth, gratitude….or whatever you think you are missing?

No.

Who would you be without the belief that you aren’t good enough, even though you just put your foot in your mouth, even though you have debt and no job, even though you aren’t your ideal weight?

Without that thought?

Such peace and joy, to think of it not being necessary to do ANYTHING to be good enough.

“Awakening doesn’t mean that you awaken. It means that there is only awakening. There is no you who is awake, there is only awakeness. As long as you identify with a you who either is or is not awake, you are still dreaming.” ~ Adyashanti

Turning the thought around:

I am good enough.

Remember what you wanted to be good enough for? The reasons why you need to be good enough?

Are those qualities already present, here, now?

Peace, safety, joy, love, empowerment…

Maybe this “I” of which I speak is not really me. It’s just a story. A mirage. A moving picture. From the past, or the future. A tiny minutia of the Whole Story.

Kind of like a video.

With love, Grace

January 11, 2014