The word “whelm” comes from an old English term that meant to overturn a vessel. Totally submerged, turned upside down, drowning, helpless.
Today, I glanced at the clock knowing I had exactly two hours to respond to a bunch of emails, write for 50 minutes on my book proposal (at least that’s my little plan), take a shower, finish my taxes, work with a client, write this blog, fix something on my website, watch a training video, and make a green smoothie.
If I really did all of that, it would take five hours. Depending on the speed needed for the email replies.
The mind kicks in…what can I cut?
Not enough time! Not enough time! Not enough time!
And then there’s a few more personal messages I would actually like to respond to but naturally, not enough time for those, either.
When time appears to be limited, with more things to do in it than what allows….a strange dynamic gets built that believes in TIME and that MORE of it will resolve this state of un-done-ness.
Yesterday, I unexpectedly devoted a lot of time to my wonderful son who is 19. He needed fairly quick medical attention and we had to see an ear, nose and throat surgeon/specialist.
After a fascinating two-hour visit (I got to see a film of his inner ear on a big screen and a bunch of weird stuff inside it) and a procedure, the next step was driving son back to college. Ninety minutes away.
3.5 more hours for me out of my “schedule”.
Now, because I love caring for my kid and have zero trouble with whatever needs to happen there, the whole afternoon and evening I did not consider a waste of time, and I loved spending time with him….
….but I had the thought this morning that I don’t have enough of it to allow for surprises, changes, hitches, cancellations.
Then, in comes the itchy little thoughts. I need more time, and for these reasons (x, y, and z) I am getting held back. I should cancel my dinner date tonight. I should skip my own physical therapy appointment later.
Uh oh. Overwhelm is descending. The boat is getting turned over.
Ahhh….must inquire.
What do I actually need more time for?
Creativity, building and making everything I’m thinking into a reality, connection, success!
And what do I need creativity for? What would I have, if I had my creations manifested into reality? What would it mean if I emailed back, traded communications with people? What would I have if I had success?
I’d feel Happy! Powerful! In Service! Mighty! Joyful! Rooted!
Quite remarkable what I think more time would give me…like it’s an obvious stepping stone to feeling strength, happiness, and joy.
Woah.
If I just had more time, I wouldn’t feel so incomplete, unfinished, unstable, small, limited, insecure, unsafe……
I suddenly picture I’m at the end of my life, still with the thought.
Please….just a little bit more time? God? Source? Reality? Universe?
Like I’m asking something Out There.
More. Now. I personally need it.
I see how I am when my convinced mind that believes that More Time would offer greater happiness.
I get all worked up internally, going fast, speedy. I feel an adrenaline rush. I don’t go to the bathroom until I’m bursting. I don’t ever pick up the phone when it rings. I feel irritable with interruptions.
I think about canceling things I love to do most.
Like I’m running a race and I’ll wait til it’s over before I slow down, or take care of basic needs, or simply enjoy myself, or pay attention to anything except the finish line.
So who would I be without the thought that I need more time and there’s not enough of it right now?
Writing this Grace Note. Taking a long, deep breath.
Without the thought that anything is actually un-done?
An even deeper breath.
Everything good the way it is. Everything brilliant the way it is. I stop and look around the room, hearing the air of the heater, listening to the mail truck drop off mail, feeling my sweater on my arms, relaxing.
Turning the thought around: Everything is completely and entirely Done right now, in this moment, as much as it needs to be for my happiness….I do not need More Time.
“As soon as your idea of enlightenment becomes time-bound, it’s always about the next moment. You may have a deep spiritual experience and then ask, ‘How long will I sustain this experience?’ As long as you insist on the question, you remain time-bound. If you are still interested in time and the spiritual accumulations you can have in time, you will get a time-bound experience. The mind is acting as if what you are looking for isn’t already present right now….So you miss what’s actually here.” ~ Adyashanti
Here now is a beautiful silver laptop, and a full spectacular mind thinking many thoughts, words spilling out onto the screen, images of meeting a very close friend for dinner later, feeling the joy of creativity in this moment, feeling in service, noticing how very safe I am, connected to the flow of life…
….joyfully unfinished, not done.
No submerged boat. Not whelmed. Not underwater, not drowning.
FLOATING, face up to the gorgeous sky, feeling everything.
Could it be TRUER right now that I am complete, finished, stable, expansive, unlimited, secure, safe……OR happily incomplete, unfinished and never actually DONE?
Into my mind comes the picture of butterfly eggs, caviar, dandelion seeds….the burst of multiple millions of something in nature but only a few actually become fertilized.
The eggs that aren’t fertilized aren’t screaming for more time.
Maybe thoughts and to-do lists are like that, too.
So you just pick the ones you feel joy about getting born, and move into the activity of completing those (or not) and notice what is here, now.
Nothing more is required. Nothing.
“Nothing comes ahead of its time.” ~ Byron Katie
Love, Grace