Have you ever noticed how quickly your own self-evaluation can win the prize for Vicious Monster or Nit Picky Critic?
You may have met others with mean voices….but the ones you direct towards yourself?
Wow, they can be tough.
When I watched myself for the first time on video the other day (the one I sent you) I wasn’t really mean about it to myself….but I did have a few thoughts.
The difference is in believing them. Joining with them, being sure they are true.
I used to feel a sinking, absolutely horrendous sense of failure, doom or fear about appearing badly.
I thought that if other people saw me with disapproval or negativity, it was about the worst thing that could happen.
My thoughts on watching myself might be like the ones you have if you glance at yourself in the mirror, or see photos of yourself, or have someone give you feedback that isn’t exactly full of praise.
The ones I had the other day ran like this:
- I am looking up constantly, it looks like I’m having a conversation…..with the ceiling
- fix the lighting you dork! you are too dark!
- I speak too slowly or incoherently, not articulate enough
- I didn’t have a story to really show how powerful questioning pain can be
Not long ago I was working with a man who I’ve been privileged to facilitate for a long long time. In his life, especially with work and career, he repeatedly has believed “I’m not good enough”.
It comes up so often for many people. And while this belief can be helpful and interesting to question, there is sometimes such a big agenda to Fix That Negative Thought About Me….
….that the real truth can’t really be revealed very easily.
Basically, I can find how my own list while watching myself could fit under the Heading: Not Good Enough.
Byron Katie warns all the time against doing The Work on yourself.
Such a huge penchant for self-improvement, and it can be almost like an obsession (not that I would know about that)!
But let’s take a closer look and see what might be discovered here.
Is it even true that you aren’t good enough?
Good enough for what?
This is a really valuable question to ponder, and often over-looked or brushed right by.
If you stop and take a look at what you believe you aren’t good enough for….it may start breaking apart your bubble of suffering.
I’m not good enough to create immediate, mind-blowing transformation for people who watch this video.
OK, I can even turn it down a notch: I’m not good enough to make an impact, to make a difference, to effect change.
Now why on earth would I want to do that? What would that give me, if I knew I made a difference or supported change?
Fame? Fortune? Appreciation? Influence? Worthiness? And what would having any of these give me?
You can answer the question from that part of you that cares. Even if another part wants to pooh-pooh this investigation as unnecessary.
What would being truly good enough bring you, if you were?
Safety, Ease, Empowerment, Rest and Relaxation, Gratitude, Joy, Worth.
It’s like there’s a clear image of the Perfect Me, the one who is Good Enough.
My client who has seen this thought rise up over and over has a vision of earning lots of money, and that if he did, he would finally feel good enough.
No debt. Giving lots of gifts. Feeling free.
Others feel that if they had a good body, or ate well, they would be good enough.
Have you ever noticed that this imagined-one-that-is-enough is in the future, or hanging over your head in an imagined ghost ideal version?
“Many people live with a self that is very unpleasant, that creates a lot of problems, a lot of suffering, that continuously criticizes them, that continuously blames them, that tells them they’re not enough…..The mind-made image is connected to thought, to continuous thinking. It’s fueled by, perpetuated by, upheld by the continuous thought processes many of which are about “me”, and my “self.” And so through thought I have a relationship with a thought-made entity, which sometimes feels quite comfortable and sometimes feels not pleasant.” ~ Eckhart Tolle
So is it true that you are not good enough right now, in this present state (even with that blunder you made, or with being mediocre)?
Are you sure you are lacking safety, ease, joy, peace, empowerment, joy, worth, gratitude….or whatever you think you are missing?
No.
Who would you be without the belief that you aren’t good enough, even though you just put your foot in your mouth, even though you have debt and no job, even though you aren’t your ideal weight?
Without that thought?
Such peace and joy, to think of it not being necessary to do ANYTHING to be good enough.
“Awakening doesn’t mean that you awaken. It means that there is only awakening. There is no you who is awake, there is only awakeness. As long as you identify with a you who either is or is not awake, you are still dreaming.” ~ Adyashanti
Turning the thought around:
I am good enough.
Remember what you wanted to be good enough for? The reasons why you need to be good enough?
Are those qualities already present, here, now?
Peace, safety, joy, love, empowerment…
Maybe this “I” of which I speak is not really me. It’s just a story. A mirage. A moving picture. From the past, or the future. A tiny minutia of the Whole Story.
Kind of like a video.
With love, Grace