Tag: Byron Katie

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Joining YOI Helps YOU Do The Work

Many people have written with questions about the upcoming Year of Inquiry group that starts this coming Friday.

Here’s a summary:

  • We all meet via phone or skype three times a month for 90 minutes, Fridays 9 am Pacific Time
  • We have a private, closed email forum for sharing, questions, breakthroughs and inquiry in writing
  • Everyone in YOI gets to know one another extremely well in a very unique way—not by the usual life details, but through questioning shared stressful beliefs
  • Each month there is a different unique topic for inquiry. We watch a video at the beginning of the month (Byron Katie) and fill out a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet on a situation in our own life relating to that topic.
  • I partner everyone in YOI with someone else in the group for the month, to trade facilitations. Through this partnering, you learn how to facilitate and be facilitated, and get to know your brethren in inquiry.
  • You can pay monthly, or all at once, or in 3 payments, it’s up to you.
  • There is no written contract for participating, but it’s best if your intention is to stay engaged for a year…and, this is the last YOI that will be in this particular format and this low fee

I created this format because for me, personally, I simply didn’t seem to sit down, write out my thoughts, or slow down long enough….even when I was in pain….to make doing The Work a regular practice.

And I didn’t want to feel desperate for mind-change anymore. I wanted to work with what This is, the life I was apparently living, with a sense of relaxation.

Careful, gentle self-reflection comes easy and quickly to some people.

And then there are the rest of us.

I knew when I listened to Byron Katie on recording, and when I read her book Loving What Is that there was a powerful message.

But I always thought that message was somewhere other than me, like inside Katie herself, or in some other place of wisdom. I thought that doing this work wouldn’t really result in peace unless I got some special insight.

Answer four questions? Then turn what I’m thinking around?

What good is that going to do?! I need bigger guns! I need an inpatient program! I need a fairy godmother! A change of consciousness! Enlightenment!

Are you sure that’s what you need?

What if it really is true that all you actually need, is what all the great teachers have said, including Byron Katie, for all the ages….

…..your own honest answers. Trusting yourself. Being your own best friend.

What if all you need is to honestly clearly identify what it is you are believing and question this, and use YOUR imagination to see another way?

“Self-realization is the sweetest thing. It shows us how we are fully responsible for ourselves, and that is where we find our freedom. Rather than being other-realized, you can be self-realized. Instead of looking to us for your fulfillment, you can find it in yourself……to put The Work into action, begin with the voice inside you that’s telling you what we should do. Realize that it’s actually telling YOU what to do…..There is no peace in the world until you find peace within yourself in this moment.” ~ Byron Katie

If you’ve noticed that you like the idea of doing The Work, but you don’t actually do it (I don’t have time, it doesn’t really work, I get bored, I can’t stay with my answers, so what) then consider joining us.

Year Of Inquiry is here!

Write me at grace@workwithgrace.com to talk about it.

Much love,

Grace

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The Brutality of Hating Neediness

Recently several clients have been sitting with the very uncomfortable feeling, and idea, that they are longing for attention, approval, connection, contact.

If only that person would have given me more. If only she would have given me a sign that I was supported. If only he would have said he loved me, or given me a hug, or smiled. If only they would have given me a higher grade. If only they would have said I was welcome.

Many of us see the longing inside for being approved of, just for ourselves, without having to “do” anything better, or different.

Long ago, a dear friend was facilitating me through my belief that someone else I knew shouldn’t be so dang needy.

He is so desperate, clingy, full of questions, demanding my attention, insecure, sucking the life from me and other people too, pushing for approval, unstable, dramatic.

He is sooooo needy, it’s so gross, I’m disgusted. Can’t he pull it together and stop being age five? He’s a grown man, for godssakes.

As my friend asked me the questions known as The Work, I started feeling less angry and irritated….

….and more worried.

Uh oh.

Houston, I think we have a situation here.

Neediness is bad. 

Is it true?

Yes. Ewww.

I would never be like that. I will never ask for anything. I won’t impose. I will do everything possible to make sure no one ever, ever thinks I am needy. Because ewww.

Can I absolutely know that it’s true that neediness is bad?

Yes. I can hardly stand it when that other person is needy, and I can’t stand it when I myself am needy.

I’ll do The Work right now just to get to that detached place where I find everything I need only inside myself, without ever asking for a single thing…..right?

Um, yeah. How’s that working to have the end result in mind already? The vision of pure, detached, pristine unneediness….ahhhhh.

So how do you react when you believe the thought that neediness is bad?

I RUN AWAY FROM ANYONE WHO HAS BIG NEEDS!

I run away from my own needs. If people are crawling and grabbing for food, I make sure to drop any that is in my own hands, because otherwise I’ll be overwhelmed with grabby consuming energy and they’ll eat me alive!

Get away, slam the door, shut down the engines. Like the submarine at the bottom of the ocean, be super quiet and wait for the Big Seeking Needy energy to pass by overhead.

Not exactly peaceful.

So who would you be without the thought that Neediness is Bad?

Pause.

Hard to even find it at first. I wait.

I imagine clingy needy man in my presence saying “I am desperate, I neeeeeeeeeeeed you.” But without the thought that his neediness is bad, wrong, horrible or impossible.

Dang. That is weird. Very different.

Without that thought that the needs of someone could be bad for me, in any way, I’m not shutting down. I’m not frightened. I’m up on the surface of the ocean, open to the sky, the water, the sea, the other crafts, the life. Not hiding under the surface.

Without the belief that neediness is bad, I have compassion for that person who thinks he is desperate, and I also know that he is OK.

I feel the Yes or No within me to move towards that person, or not.

No emergency.

No emergency for my own needs, but no ignoring them either! If I am thirsty, I get up and go get a glass of water.

If I would like someone to say “I love you, you are awesome at x, I appreciate your contribution” then I might ask people I know for genuine, honest feedback and let them know I would like them to share positive feedback because I’m afraid, for now, of the negative (if I am).

I might laugh, with joy and humor, and my own mundane needs and neediness. I would honor them. That is where I am, at that moment. It’s OK.

Turning the thought around: Neediness is Good. 

Holy Moly, really?

Well, I know it’s good to experience the sensation of hunger (I used to think it was bad). Because then I go find some food, which it turns out is generally necessary on this planet, for me.

Who am I to oppose the way of it, the way of reality that appears to have hunger/fullness, wanting/satisfaction, desire/manifestation, hoping/end of hoping?

“Why should we go looking for more than we are, when we are what we are looking for? Beware of a misguided longing, for it leads in the end to brutality.” ~ Adyashanti 

Thank you, neediness, for driving me out to somewhere else, for it shows me that everything is temporary that I want to grab. It shows me the brutality of my own mind’s secret disappointment.

Byron Katie tells a story of seeing a stranger in a shopping mall, and feeling horrified at the woman’s age, pain, stench, and slowness.

Katie said as she saw this woman and felt trapped, that inquiry arose almost immediately.

“What would I be without the thought?….The horror was equivalent to a deep gentleness, a caressing, a full, immovable acceptance. There was no discomfort. It began, from its new position, to celebrate the whole life of itself, to love itself….There was no longer even the slightest desire to be anywhere else.” ~ Byron Katie

Without the belief that neediness of any kind, in any way, should not exist….I am not against your need, the body’s need, the heart’s need, the neediness that is believed to be true.

I feel neediness with a gentleness, a caressing, a full, immovable acceptance, and know that all is very, very well and nothing is required.

Year of Inquiry starts in one week only. I will close enrollment on Thursday, March 6th. Click here to read more about it. Year of Inquiry YOI.

If you are deeply interested, then please email me grace@workwithgrace.com to have a conversation to make sure it’s right for you.

Member of YOI: “It still amazes me to be so well received. I feel closer to you all than people I have known for decades. What a gift you all are and I thank my lucky stars!”

Much love, Grace

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Your Inner Operating System Loves You

Strange the mind and this thing called “thinking”. What is thinking?

It often appears to have sound…a voice, or many voices, a direction out in front, an energy in the head, a force pulling inward into someplace dark.

Someone says “hold on, I need to think!” and we know they are saying they want quiet. Thought overload. Fast thought.

The other day I went to a movie called Her. Friends had recommended it.

I was intrigued when they said that a man falls in love, and has a relationship that actually evolves, with a Voice. His Operating System, an artificial intelligence, called Samantha.

Samantha the OS, of course, and lives inside his computer.

While there are many short little lines in the movie that made me laugh (such as “falling in love is a form of socially acceptable insanity”) there was one interesting.

This man ventures off to a hideaway cabin in the woods, in deep snow. Inside this cabin is warmth, light, movement, safety, a hot kettle. Outside the cold is bitter, the snow so deep it’s way above his knees.

In this scene, the man is alone, apparently, with a body. But his mind is talking, connecting, laughing with his operating system. He’s thrilled to go on this adventure into the wild, out of the city and away from daily life.

One of his friends had pointed out that he was man on the outside but woman on the inside. True, when you consider he has this very powerful and loud female voice in his ear.

And what’s it like when WE go somewhere by ourselves? When we go to a cabin, or a room, or on a walk, or even reading a book, or writing on a computer?

Is there not a Voice, or several voices, talking?

Don’t you sometimes long for one voice to rise above the others that feels loving, kind, that knows you well and is imminently and unconditionally concerned with your best interests, and with understanding you, and who sees the world as a wonderful place to explore?

Because the thoughts that we are bad for ourselves, or we make “bad” decisions, or that the world is detached or dangerous, are often unbelievably painful. Also heavy, depressing and lonely.

Then on top of the mean, vicious self-critical thoughts, we’ll also feel guilty that we’re having those thoughts at all.

When Those Mean Voices are inside the cabin with us, who the heck wants to go hang out in a cabin in the snow, right??

But a really loving, intimate, supportive voice that asks questions, listens, offers answers, and wants to explore….that kind of inner voice is luscious.

And that’s the voice that you can bring to The Work.

Wait. Before you start thinking you don’t HAVE an inner gorgeous OS that’s just right for you….let’s consider with The Work.

Say you are freaked out, anxious, enraged, abandoned, full of despair, horrified, frightened….

Well, there’s a voice talkin’ and it may not be the most supportive one you’ve ever tapped into. It may be the worry wart, or the one that believes in violence as a motivator. It probably believes that something has to change, maybe drastically, or else….

  • I’m too self-critical
  • I sabotage myself
  • I’m my own worst enemy
  • I’m too (quiet, greedy, addictive, nervous)
  • I should be more confident
  • I can’t stop “x”
  • I can’t stay motivated
  • I’m an idiot

So, is it true?

Yeah. I’ve been here over and over again. Just the fact that I repeat negative self-criticism is idiotic. It’s true.

Are you sure?

Well. First of all, who are you referring to, this “I” that is an idiot? This “I” that can’t stop, that isn’t confident, and is flawed?

Is all of you too greedy, quiet, selfish, addictive, or upset? Are you sure you’re the ruin of yourself?

No.

Even if you answered “yes”, keep going.

How do you react when you believe you are “x” and it must stop? How do you react when you think you are flawed, and need to snap out of it, get a clue?

I thought this over and over again when I had an eating disorder all those years ago. I believed I shouldn’t binge, smoke, drink, or harm myself.

Whip, whip, whip.

When I believed these thoughts, one way I reacted was that I thought finding a Nice Voice would be a huge relief. I believed that kind, loving voice was somewhere else, not here.

It’s kind of needy, seriously.

Who would you be without the thought that you are too “x”? That you have a mean inner voice? Or that you are needy?

Without the thought that you need to fix this ridiculous being that you are….

….you may just stop, puzzled, curious, waiting.

Without the thought that you are a jerk, or needy, you may find that you’re open to NOT having the company of anyone except YOU.

You may find yourself to be quite interesting. Fascinating. You may like empty space, silence, other people, and be basically fine with what happens.

I turn the thoughts around and feel them, and find examples:

  • I’m NOT too self-critical
  • I save myself
  • I’m my own best friend
  • I’m NOT too (quiet, greedy, addictive, nervous)
  • I shouldn’t be more confident
  • I can stop “x”
  • I can stay motivated
  • I’m brilliant

Could these be just as true, or truer?

Yes. And you can feel them. Find the benefits of being these things that you were considering to be flaws.

You’re not even sure what this “I” is, so maybe suddenly the goofiness of that might come clear. If the other Mean “I” is evident, the equal and opposite Loving “I” is also evident, in this world of duality.

Who would you be right now in this moment if you were your own best friend?

And what if you don’t even need your own friendship? Are you still breathing?

“Your inner voice guides you all day long to do simple things such as brush your teeth, drive to work, call your friend, or do the dishes. Even though it’s just another story, it’s a very short story, and when you follow the direction of the voice, that story ends. We are really alive when we live as simply as that open, waiting, trusting, and loving to do what appears in front of us now.” ~ Byron Katie

If you’d like to get on a telegroup call three times per month and have a collective committee of voices all of whom are supporting your operating system (or dismantling your critical beliefs)….then come join YOI. It starts March 7th.

Much love, Grace

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Is The Universe Giving You What You Need?

Yesterday was my first day back on the dance floor since my leg got sewn back together!

Oh the joy, the beauty, the people, the music, the movement, the fun of dancing!!

But I have a big confession to make.

Last year when I was inspired to begin this fun Saturday morning open free-form dance with my husband….

….in my head was a picture of a whole room full of awesome people dancing together, sweatin’, singing, being themselves no matter what age or ability.

We had called tons of studios, big room, or spaces where people could easily dance.

Over and over the same question: Are you available Saturday mornings?

Hardly ever available. Aerobics classes, Nia classes, kung fu, tai chi, lessons, groups, salsa. No, we only do our own classes, no we don’t rent space on Saturdays, no we don’t know anywhere else you could try.

Rats.

And then…it turned out because of cuts in city funding, a city community center that was normally never open on Saturdays WOULD be available for a pretty high fee. Like the highest fee of anyplace we had ever called.

Ok. What the heck. Let’s do it. We need 20 people to break even. No problem.

I really thought, absolutely no problem. There will probably be 30 people there, maybe even 40 or 50, on the first day.

It was a winter, drizzly, cold, early February Saturday morning. A good day to dance!

After several visits to the community center dance hall to scope it all out, gather our sound equipment and music together, get dance cards made, set up the room, and sign rental agreements…..my husband and I returned with anticipation, excitement and a little adrenaline in our hearts.

Finally! Our first free-form dance, open to everyone! Soooooo exciting!!

Everything was ready. Doors opened at 10 am!

The clock ticked past 10:15 am.

No one.

I began to get a fearful sensation in my stomach. 10:20 am.

No one.

OMG. This is like having a party, inviting friends, and no one showing up. A worst nightmare. Like a high school movie. The geek has a birthday party and no one comes.

This is sad.

My heart was sinking. My mind started racing.

Oh so, so wonderful to have The Work. To notice when stress, fear, pain, anxiety, discomfort of any kind presented itself within me…and know what to do with it.

Feel it.

Ask it what it thinks is true….that is NOT really in truly true?

  • we are losers
  • we screwed up
  • we thought people wanted to dance with us, but they don’t
  • we’ve made a mistake
  • this is terrible, a disaster
  • this is embarrassing
  • I can’t dance today after all

Then a good friend appeared. ONE good friend. She was here to help. (Although there was no one to help, no lines, no crowds, no people pouring in–ha ha).

Then another good friend appeared who had promised to come.

Are you serious? I think I’m going to throw up. 

10:25, past time to start the music.

My very optimistic and happy husband, who seemed to not be worried about this situation whatsoever, started our music set, right at about the same time as two more people came.

We all began to dance. All six of us.

And the work was starting to work itself in me. I could see the part of me that was five years old flailing on the floor with disappointment.

Two more people showed up…but that was the Grand Total for the morning.

Is it true? Is it true? Are you sure this is a terrible disastrous event, worthy of embarrassment? Are you sure you can’t feel the inspiration to dance?

No. I’m dancing right now. I’m moving. If I were alone in my living room, this is how I would move….and I love this movement.

Is it true that we are losers, that no one wants to be with us, that this means that we made a mistake, that we are ashamed?

No. I can’t know that any of that is true.

Do we need other people to be here to have fun? Does anyone need any other person with them to express joy? Do any of us need a companion, of any kind, in order to be happy?

No. Wow. No.

Who would I be without the thought that 20 or more people should be here? That since they are not here, this is shameful, uncomfortable, difficult, or something wrong with me?

Dancing. Noticing how much I love the space, the trees through the gigantic window, the music.

Everything on its own trajectory, its own timing.

I need a crowd, is it true? No.

I turn the thoughts around, in the middle of dancing:

  • we are winners
  • we did it beautifully, perfectly for this moment
  • we thought people wanted to dance with us, and they do
  • we’ve made a correction
  • this is wonderful, a miracle
  • this is a blessing, good fortune, something to be proud of
  • I can dance!

I suddenly realized that this moment was just like being single and stood up on a date….if I could enjoy being there all by myself, with deep joy….I would never “need” a partner again.

What a relief.

Whomever showed up would be like icing on the cake.

Ahhhhh, a powerful lesson. A test of faith.

I couldn’t have paid for a workshop or personal coaching or business coaching or accessed connection to leadership, power, and unconditional love for this moment in any better way.

I had to see it for myself, I had to feel the dance right here, with these six people who came (plus husband). I was not alone, I was not in need, I did not have to hide, I was making a correction in what I thought was necessary to be happy.

Holy Smokes!

“When all struggle ceases, there is nothing to bind us to a distorted perception of existence and we can finally see. What we see is that we do not simply exist within existence, but all of existence exists within us as well. And although everywhere we look we see the endless diversity of life, we also now see our own true face in everything under the sun.” ~ Adyashanti

 Yesterday, a year later, 26 people came to our Saturday morning dance. Just the right amount. No more, no less. Just the perfect combination of people. More and more every week over time. More and more, steady, showing up, celebrating, expressing.

“Imagine….no one shows up…look around the room. It’s empty…You like silence. You have time out of your schedule to sit, be still, and do your own work. You could probably use some time, right? Look around that room, are you OK? You’re the one that matters…YOU’RE the one…..The universe will give you what you need against your best thought.” ~ Byron Katie

Without any stressful thoughts….all that can be said, is thank you, thank you. How absolutely amazing.

And the exciting vision of 50 people dancing together on a rainy Saturday morning—still here!

Much love,

Grace

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To Act Or Do The Work–Is That The Question?

Not long ago I was listening to a lecture on my laptop. The screen kept freezing and doing a spinney wheel and I’d hack away at emails in my Inbox on another screen….

…but I kept listening to the recording.

Then, I heard the voice of the speaker say something that made me pause a moment. 

She said “don’t you just get sick of looking at your limiting beliefs all the time? Heck, just take action.” 

(Scrape…….did you hear the rewind sound?)

I had to chuckle.

Because on first read-through…moving through and doing The Work is all about looking at limiting beliefs….

….uncomfortable, disappointing, frightening, aggravating beliefs.

We’re looking, investigating, exploring this (apparently) internal world.

It’s true that there appears to be no guidance about action. No rules or ideas about what to do or when to do it.

But here’s what I’ve noticed about action and believing: both of these experiences or “things” HAPPEN.

It’s not exactly natural to sit still and never take action. It’s not natural to constantly take action and never sit still.

If you just sat all the time writing out The Work, or getting facilitated, or concluding that since you are not feeling happy, you must question your thoughts 24/7 until this changes…

…none of us would last very long. And it would be virtually impossible.

Even when I’ve been looking at my beliefs about situations and people in my life, I’ve been going about my business…cleaning house, picking up kids, writing the book, sleeping, doing dishes, meeting with clients, teaching classes, working out at the gym, healing from my leg getting cut off, eating lunch.

(OK OK, the leg wasn’t cut off, I had surgery on a badly torn hamstring).

But I really love the idea that this dynamic speaker had about moving, acting, energy: sometimes, heck, just go for it!!

Sometimes, even if you are really nervous, feeling totally awkward, uncertain, uncomfortable, terrified, indecisive, do-it-anyway. 

The thing is, the more I do The Work and get down into the gritty dark recesses of my greatest fears, the more actions and energy appear to be freed up.

I take about 1000% more efficient, fun action than I used to. Before, I’d spend so much time in my head analyzing, ruminating, perseverating…

…I hardly let anything sink below the neck.

And my actions, when I believed my fearful thoughts, were very defensive, protective….like when a little bunny rabbit is trying to run across the open highway with cars zooming both ways at 70 miles per hour.

Major random emergency chaos! And who the heck knows if the bunny ends up on the other side of the highway!

When I’ve spent time in meditation, quiet, feeling, being, doing The Work, contemplating…

…my actions sink down into the entire body and even spread out into the universe.

If I think that I SHOULD take action, I get a little paralyzed and frustrated. If I think I SHOULDN’T take action, I get a little paralyzed and frustrated. Ha!

And….I love what that speaker said that suggested watching the experience of staying inside the mind, thinking, without bustin’ a move.

“I need to wait before I take action on x, y or z”.

If it’s stressful to wait…then yes, take it to The Work!

Is that true that you need to wait? That you need to be careful? That you need to gather more info before trying it?

Yes. I really want to make the best move possible. I have to weigh it out, pull together all the information, find the “right” answer.

Can you absolutely know that it’s true that you need to wait?

No.

How do you react when you believe you need to wait?

My head almost explodes with finding the perfect answer. I practically forget I have a body. I talk to other people and hash it over.

Who would you be without the belief that you need to wait?

Jumping! Dancing! Entering the heat!

Willing to see what happens next, with no mental plans. Making an offer, asking for what I want, connecting with others, feeling delighted with what I love.

Trusting what will be. Surrendering to what is. Having a universe that’s waaaaaaay bigger than me. Peaceful, steady, quiet, joyful.

I turn the thought around: I do not need to wait, I can take action. 

I’ve noticed when I have no right and wrong, when it’s not possible to make a mistake anymore, when I’ve questioned my assumptions…

…more possibilities spring forth. The creativity is almost so great, I’m bursting with ideas.

I’m not making any action happen, it’s happening of its own accord.

Everything moving with balance. Sometimes sound asleep, sometimes wide awake.

“It’s a curious place to be (especially in the beginning) not to be driven by anything–pleasure or displeasure, helping or hurting, loving or hating. The only thing that will move you (and I don’t mean to be too poetic about this) is the same thing that moves a leaf hanging from a tree. It’s simply because the breeze blows that way. So you always know what to do: The breeze blows that way, and that’s the way you go. You don’t ask questions anymore. You don’t evaluate why the breeze is blowing that way because you know that you don’t know why. And you know you can’t know why. There’s never been a leaf anywhere that knows why the wind blows that way on that day at that moment.” ~ Adyashanti 

I don’t really know if I need to question my thoughts, or move, or go left or right. All I do know is that when I’m freakin’ out, I am believing in things that scare me and it hurts. In that situation, there’s no peace.

When I’m peaceful (and oddly, this includes being OK with feeling afraid) life is so much more fun.  

“There are two ways to live your life, one is stressed out, one is not. One hurts, one doesn’t.” ~ Byron Katie  

In the present moment, I act, I move, I am still, I do The Work…who knows until I get there. No way to know why or how or when, until now.

If you do notice that you’d like to set aside 90 minutes a week for group inquiry together, and see how that affects the action you take in your life (or non-action) then come on board on Fridays 9-10:30 am pacific time for a Year of Inquiry.

The Closeness in Inquiry

“I was just thinking about how much I love all you amazing people in our group. It’s funny that I feel so much closer to you than I do many of my friends!” ~ YOI participant

Much love,

Grace

 

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When In Doubt–Lean Inside

Have you ever pondered a decision, flipped back and forth, written lists of pros and cons, agonized, consulted others on what to do?

Just about all of us have done this at least one time: what will be my major, should I go to that school, is breaking up with him a good idea, should I stay, when is the best time to start that program, is this place or that place better, do I choose the blue one or the pink one?

How can I decide? Yowsers!!

Even if you don’t have much trouble “making” decisions….

…you’ve probably had at least one biggie that took more than five minutes to make.

In one of the sweet and powerful YOI (Year of Inquiry) Groups recently, one of our participants asked if they could bring a new friend to the in-person weekend retreat.

The people of YOI meet for these twice a year, unless someone YOI lives miles and miles away (England, Toronto, Michigan, New York, Hawaii….although one member is traveling from Florida…I think distance may be less important than we THINK).

I had to stop and consider the question.

Can someone in YOI bring a friend to just the retreat?

My process: check in with gut, still uncertain, call the requester and have a conversation, still uncertain, hear from other members of the group, still uncertain, consult a wise and detached mentor, still uncertain.

And then….holding the whole group in mind and deeply feeling what is created here with people committing, joining, investing, and being a part of something for a whole year…

…I knew the answer was No.

But oh! I could disappoint the wonderful inquirer who made the request!

Hand wringing, hand wringing.

If you have known that you needed to say “no” to someone, no matter how incredible they are, then you know it’s not personal.

Saying “no”, deciding not to go for it, taking the left turn not the right turn, saying goodbye, quitting that job, telling them “thank you, and no”….

….these are powerful moments. You may not know what you are moving towards, you simply know you are moving away….

It was a very early spring, almost violently bright sunny morning in February in Colorado. My dorm room was warm, the high mountain air dry. I quietly packed my final clothing into my suitcase under my bed.

My roommate was already gone, working out early before she went to church.

A dear young man, Sean, who had carved a beautiful wooden GRACE by hand for me for my recent 19th birthday, was waiting for me in the parking lot in his mom and dad’s station wagon. The smoke formed clouds from the tail pipe.

I had met Sean at the local church youth group in town, off campus.

For all the months here at school, I had tried hard to have fun.

I had tried to work hard, but I was having a nervous breakdown, or a life-break-down, I didn’t know what. I was at the church youth group every Wednesday and Sunday with people and families who didn’t know me from the college. I couldn’t concentrate on my classes. I was obsessing about food worse and worse.

Now Sean was driving me to the airport.

That day, I knew to leave. I knew to head home, to Seattle. Where the sun wasn’t so blinding. And neither were my thoughts.

That was a very, very hard decision.

I was leaving an excellent, high-level small liberal arts college in one of the most beautiful places in the country.

Sometimes, saying No is life-changing and dramatic, and twists you up in knots.

What a grand place for The Work.

Is it true that I shouldn’t or should say NO? Is it true that I shouldn’t or should say YES? Is it true that I need to decide? Is it true that I could make a mistake?

Help Help Warning Warning!!

(Sound effects: Big Honking Fire Alarms Going With Red Lights Flashing!)

Are you sure this is “difficult” and are you sure you don’t really know which way to move?

No. I do know.

“What you start to get used to, very subtly at first, is almost like an inward leaning. There’s an inward leaning, one way or the other. You just feel that the Infinite is inclining toward one direction. Then your mind wants to know, “I feel it is going in that direction. Is that the right direction? Is that true? Is it all going to work out for me?” The interesting thing about the way the Infinite moves is it never answers those questions, does it?” ~ Adyashanti  

Who would I be without the thought that it’s hard to decide, or it’s difficult to say no (or yes), or that something bad will happen, or that mistakes could be made, or that you have to decide NOW!?

Peaceful, very quiet, hearing in the silence the way to lean.

Willing to pause, be gentle. Feel.

Feeling loving kindness and care arise as a leader, a gatekeeper (in this YOI story).

Turning the thoughts around….there is no past and no future, no need to THINK heavily, with effort, nervousness, anxiety.

No expectations, no analysis here, I am present. I say one thing, I say another the next day. Things unroll the way they need to, gathering the input, all in the right timing, everything unfolding.

You will know when deciding happens, or change, or turning back, or moving forward.

“When you become a lover of what is, there are no more decisions to make. In my life, I just wait and watch. I know that the decision will be made in its own time, so I let go of when, where, and how. I like to say I’m a woman with no future. When there are no decisions to make, there’s no planned future.” ~ Byron Katie

Wow. With no future….ahhhhhhh…letting life have you. 

To come join our YOI family, click here. Yes, it’s a whole year, a new topic every month. Telegroups on Fridays 9-10:30 am Pacific Time. Email grace@workwithgrace.com to have a conversation and learn more.

Much love,

Grace

 

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Wiping Away That Sweet Dream In The Future

I noticed a joyful zing of excitement and happiness flash through my chest the other day when thinking about the upcoming in-person March retreat for Year of Inquiry folks.

We’ll be gathering in a month for the weekend, in Seattle.

Not everyone has met, maybe they’ve only known one another from our phone calls together, or maybe they are brand new and just starting in a few weeks on the journey.

But all of them will be coming together to question their thinking, to investigate their consciousness, their beliefs, their mindset, their complaints.

It’s intimate and vulnerable. The goal is unknown.

The hopes are sometimes huge: making it through divorce, finding a meaningful career, finding balance in the body like weight loss, quitting an addictive process, finding ease with our children and being an awesome rockin’ parent, finding a mate, making more money, eliminating anger, or fear.

People have their dreams and desires, and so does everyone in YOI. And many others.

I do too.

I’ve mentioned before that I’m a bit of an (extreme) introvert. However, I adore people. I’m good all day long without ever talking with a soul, I sort of lean that way naturally.

Nevertheless, connecting with humanity is very important to me.

Being a good facilitator of the group process, of a group organism or a family, being an effective leader, is really, really meaningful for me.

It’s my Mama Grace nature coming out.

So I have a confession to make.

I sometimes worry about my clients, my program attendees, the people in YOI, my classes….

….I want people to feel the joy of being held while they find what is just right for them on their journey, of being supported even though they are in many ways alone on their unique adventure.

I want them to feel this incredible joy of moving in their life fearlessly…even if they feel afraid sometimes (which I guess means it’s not fear-less, right?)

Sometimes this feeling has a little edge of angst.

I hope they are finding what they need, what they’re looking for. I hope they shine, I hope they take off like a rocket ship and discover who they are is dynamite!

Parents often inwardly hope this for their kids.

Best friends hope this for each other.

And what happens if the person whom you hope finds what they are looking for….doesn’t?

An excellent place for inquiry, don’t you agree?

  • I hope he feels safe, secure, comfortable, thrilled
  • I hope she feels loved, cherished, powerful, deserving
  • I hope they feel excited, bonded, content, connected
  • I hope we feel thrilled, touched, moved, evolved

How do I react when I hope for these things….and they don’t seem to be manifesting?

Humph.

Just a wee bit full of waiting. Not quite HERE.

I’m talking about the part that’s a small voice, but slightly full of wanting for these end results to occur.

Like the little kid that says “Come on everybody! I want everyone to be happy!”

A memory, an image, returns of wanting my dad to be joyful and no longer depressed, of wanting my mom to be thrilled instead of angry.

But who would I be without the these thoughts of hope?

Ahhhh….if there was no hope….

What could be wonderful about that? 

“When you become a lover of what is, there are no more decisions to make. In my life, I just wait and watch. I know that the decision will be made in its own time, so I let go of when, where, and how. I like to say I’m a woman with no future…..For forty-three years, I was always buying in to my stories about the future, buying in to my insanity.” ~ Byron Katie  

Without the thought of any hope for the future, for myself or for anyone, I enter the complete unknown.

I have a sense of happiness about the upcoming retreat, mystery, openness, and joy NOW, in this moment.

Without hope for anyone, or for me, I feel the destruction, the end of something…and the end of neediness, urgency, grabbing.

Deep breath.

This is fine, here, this reality, this now.

“Overcompensating is a way to avoid all of that and to dream a sweet dream that somewhere, someday down the road, all the pain will be wiped away.  But in that dream of getting somewhere, you avoid the pain as it arises in your experience right now or that pain or fear that might arise if you begin to see through your dream of future and your mental certainty.” ~ Scott Kiloby 

I turn the thoughts around:

  • Right now he feels unsafe, insecure, uncomfortable and frightened
  • Right now she feels unloved, dismissed, powerless, undeserving
  • Right now I myself feel bored, separate, discontent, disconnected
  • Right now we feel scared, unmotivated, unmoved, unevolved

This is what is here…can I be with this person in pain, can I be with myself in pain…without hoping it will change?

Yes.

“So the very thing you seek keeps you from the awareness of what you already have.” ~ Byron Katie 

If you’re interested in exploring, for no apparently hopeful reason, your internal world….

….join Year of Inquiry starting March 7th. I have no idea if it will solve everyone’s problems, but I do know, the journey is strange, unexpected, and magnificent.

Right now.

Much love, Grace

 

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Everyone’s A Valentine

The big hand of the clock clicked in place in my kitchen, 7:00 am Pacific Time. The room was still, and my headphones were on, ready for my usual Tuesday morning session.

My laptop did it’s little sing-song ring at the top of the hour, on the dot.

This woman and I had been working together for three years. She hardly ever missed a session.

We could see each other on skype.

“I’m having the same thought again….it isn’t going away.”

I told her to tell me her stressful, sticky, painful situation….and while it was technically new, the same characters were involved as in the past.

Doing the very same things as before. Saying the same things as before.

Here was a new “situation”. New proof. Proof that her belief was true.

He is financially irresponsible.

Her boyfriend. He had debt, bills, a gambling history, had asked her for money and not paid it back, owed rent in five days, had his wages garnished, and was driving a car without a license.

Now, before you roll your eyes and say that Mr. Boyfriend is a loser….like many others in this woman’s life….notice what your own thoughts are about this situation.

She should break up with him, she’s not getting it, he is indeed irresponsible, he’s bad news, there’s something wrong with this, or with her, or with him, she is getting hurt….these thoughts of hers should go away. 

I watch how a little voice in my mind immediately comments that it knows what is best.

I know what is best for my client, my friend, my child, my parent, my neighbor, my boss, my co-worker, my spouse.

Especially when someone has a long, repetitive, difficult story where they are reporting that they are suffering.

She should move on, she should quit what she’s doing.  

I had another client once who was already broken up with a lover, yet pined for him endlessly. A year had gone by since the end of their relationship. She had entered The Work to try to get over her heart-break.

But every week, she said she felt the same way.  

I miss him, I hate being alone, I can’t go on like this, I wish I felt differently, I think about him all the time.  

That person should get over it!! Quit doing that!!

Is it true?

Of course! They should wake up, snap out of it, grow up, “get” how to inquire on this, stop hurting themselves, question their thinking, have a shift of consciousness, quit suffering.

Can I absolutely know that it’s true?

No. I do not know their timeline.

I would have loved to snap my fingers and end my eating disorder at age 18, right when it started.

I would have liked to notice that I was in a really volatile, caustic relationship the first weekend I ever went away with that man, but it went on for the rest of the summer and then stretched with several other encounters into the future for a couple of years.

I would have liked to see that one man I had been friends with was a complete raving addict in the first months of knowing him and completely 100% unavailable for any real and genuine connection.

I would have loved to see that the best choice for my kids and family was simple public school instead of being obsessed and fearful for four years about their education.

I’ve had a few repetitive, ongoing, persistent beliefs.

Could I stop them? God knows I tried.

How do I react when I believe someone should get their friggin’ act together and stop believing their repetitive thoughts?

How do I react when I think thoughts should STOP?

Pissy.

When I think I know what’s best for someone….and they aren’t doing it….I feel really irritated. Or I’m frightened, and sad.

I believe I must not be helping, which is also disappointing.

I get angry, I sulk, I threaten, I worry, I wring my hands, I’m anxious.

I see pictures of the future with them feeling horrible, suicidal, dead.

But who would I be without the belief that this person should STOP THINKING THOSE THOUGHTS!??

Without the thoughts that they should do something different than they are doing…..or faster, or smoother, or with more joy, or power?

I would feel the deep compassion of Not Knowing. The Mystery of their human condition.

And I would speak honestly. Because I would have no agenda or expectation or thought about what should happen, whatsoever.

I mean, how could I possibly know anything more than this loving connection, here in this moment, being here now.

“Have you noticed it’s hopeless to dictate peoples’ awareness or behavior?……Reality doesn’t wait for your opinion, vote, or permission, sweetheart. It just keeps being what it is and doing what it does. ‘No! Wait for my approval!’ I don’t think so! You lose, always.” ~ Byron Katie

Turning the thoughts around: she should keep thinking those thoughts, she shouldn’t change, he should suffer as long as he does, I shouldn’t think these thoughts about them, I should break up my thinking (about them)….. 

Everything relaxes in an instant. I love the sound of this person’s voice, I love her sincerity, her deep commitment. I honor her dilemma, I’m here with her.  

It’s 7:05 am. 

“If I think ‘what’s the matter with him?’ there is something the matter with ME in that moment. I’ve just put an obstacle between us. It’s only a thought, but look what my mind does with it….

…..If I don’t love you, I’ve lost my sanity.” ~ Byron Katie 

I love you dear Grace Note reader, thank you for being here and making a difference by even considering the question of who you would be without your story about yourself, about other people.

You are one amazing Valentine, no matter how many of the same thoughts you’ve had over and over.

Love, Grace

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The Truth of My Mediocrity

I was looking into the face of a woman I didn’t know extremely well. Her eyes were squinted and very pale and icy blue. Her voice was low but edgy, a little like she was trying to control herself. Her face was slightly red and shaking.

We were sitting in a conference room of an office building. This was a board meeting for a big community non-profit organization. I was the secretary.

“Some people look really good on the outside, but it’s deceptive. The way they look is much better than they actually are….” 

She stared viciously towards me. She was clearly saying it to me even though other people were listening.

I almost wanted to look left and right to see if she was looking at someone else nearby…was there someone standing behind me?

There wasn’t.

A huge electrical surge of adrenaline zapped through my whole body, turning my own face red.

Is she saying that I’m a fake? That I appear to be something that I am not?  

My heart was pounding.

I knew this had to do with my poor secretarial skills. I wasn’t keeping up on the notes I was supposed to take and transcribe at every meeting. I wasn’t getting them out on time to the rest of the board.

She was upset. An important deadline had come and gone. It was definitely my fault.

But wait, this was an insult.

What a b*%&#! 

Later, I was telling one of my best friends about this irritating fellow board member and her rude, paranoid, critical comments, and the way she looked at me.

I hate her. She’s making something that is supposed to be fun, community service into a chore. I HATE her! 

Fortunately, my closest friends all know that I love questioning my thinking. My dear friend said “have you done The Work on this?”

Oh. Well. OK.

Is it true that I hate the woman who was upset with me? Is it true that she is ruining my experience? Is it true that she’s making something into a chore, that was supposed to be fun?

Yes. This has gone very badly. She’s too critical. She’s sooo picky. She’s worthy of my hate, my rage, my irritation, my disappointment. She’s embarrassed me in front of other people.

Can I absolutely know that it’s true, though, that I hate her? That she ruined my participation on that board? That she embarrassed me and messed things up?

No. I don’t absolutely know this. When I met her the year before, I instantly liked her. She asked lots of good questions. She cared about the board.

When I first learned that she had no family for Thanksgiving, I thought about inviting her to mine.

How did I react when I believed that thought that she messed everything up…that she insulted me, embarrassed me, criticized me…and was worthy of my hate?

I stopped looking at her, talking with her, connecting with her. I wrote her off. I made any conversation as short as possible from that time forward.

Too scary a person.

So who would I be without the thought that I hated her? Who would I be without the thought that she was a dangerous person who put me down in front of others?

Without the thought that she was a threat?

Oh boy.

Without the thought, I would notice how powerful her words were, that I was affected deeply, that I may not love hanging out with her, but she called me out to be in complete and absolute integrity.

Without the thought that I hated her, my body relaxes. I realize her words are not daggers. Her opinion of me is not actually important. It doesn’t matter if she dislikes me, or thinks of me as a fraud, or irresponsible with my duties.

She’s right! I’m feeling very insecure with my secretarial position! These people are brilliant on this board, and I feel like an idiot half the time.

I turn the thoughts around that I have about this situation, in that moment, with that woman who dared to criticize me in front of other people….

….I love her. She is making something that is supposed to be fun into a very powerful life-changing experience. I love her!

Because after that time, I got crystal clear on my role on that board, I did my duties so that I knew I was doing my best, I cut the fat, I did exactly what I signed up to do, nothing more and nothing less.

I expended my energy exactly where I wanted to. I didn’t try to act nice or say “yes” to something I really was saying “no” to.

“In virtually every situation where you find yourself blaming, attacking or making someone else wrong, there is an unconscious feeling or sensation in the body that is being avoided. Turn gentle, restful, open attention to the sensation and let it float freely without words. Watch it disappear. Then look at the other person and notice it was never about him or her. It was just about avoidance.” ~ Scott Kiloby

After that, I looked without fear at the idea that I might look more together or better than I actually WAS.

Yes. True. Not so terrible.

If she, or anyone, was saying that I am a liar by looking different than I am…well, it’s true.

I think I want to be perceived as great and amazing, but I’m really not. I think I want to be thought of as a genius, or very kind, or loving…but I’m not (just look at my thoughts about that person)! I think I want to be supportive and helpful, but I’m not.

“It was so wonderful when I really understood that I was mediocre. Oh my goodness, what a balance!” ~ Byron Katie

Love, Grace

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Is This Tiny Slice Of Life Enough?

“I can’t get anything done”.

A woman with a tear rolling down her face sat on the couch in my little cottage where I meet people for sessions.

She was a mother of three kids (and she was pregnant with her fourth).

The following week, at the mini retreat I offer sometimes on Saturdays, a man who was the head of a huge insurance company said “I should be doing more.”

He had the same deeply unhappy look.

I need to accomplish my goals, I must clean, drive, fix, take care of household items, I should be working on my dreams, I don’t have time, I have to focus on my vision, I should be farther than this, I wish someone else would take care of that.  

And then, being washed with all these kinds of thoughts there is an urge to cut and run.

As in, ditch the project.

Like a ton of granite, the weight settles on the shoulders…you’ve just been taking care of kids all day, or working at your job…and all you want is to escape.

Oh for just a little television, or a movie. How about a little bite to eat, or a drink? Perhaps facebook.

But what about your meditation, or exercising, or buying lightbulbs or returning those books to the library?

Just leave me alone! I want to stop and do nothing for once! 

I enter the large Victorian house on Elizabeth street in Denver Colorado where I’ve been living for three months. The door is large and elegant, built in the 1920s. It reminds me of my childhood home.

I share this house with four other perfectly lovely, young working single people. Outside it’s been brilliantly sunny all day long, with snow piled along the sidewalks.

No one is home.

The parking area is empty in the back alley.

I am alone.

Two ideas collide: 1) oh good, I can do anything I want without having to converse with anyone, and 2) I should do something productive.

I’m volunteering for student production at the college where I work tomorrow, and I could work on the programs. I could go running in the crisp air. I could write my grandma a letter. I could watch LA Law. I could look at grad school applications.

I drop my bag on the staircase up to the second floor, to my room, and I enter the empty kitchen.

Not even thinking about food, not even hungry really.

The mind chatters about what I should be doing…which by the way, I don’t even have enough time for if I DID do it…but I stay in the kitchen and start eating fat-free red diet jello that I made yesterday.

And then I want to eat some “real” food and I make a small plate of cheese and crackers and take them upstairs. All the while screaming at myself that I should be eating green vegetables instead. And getting something done.

Two hours later, I’m running in the park, jumping over snow drifts, pushing myself hard even though exhausted. I went up and down the stairs eight times, getting more food each time, consuming an entire box of triscuits and then another of wheat thins, a bunch of cheese and ice cream and stealing some of my housemates’ food.

Guilty as usual.

I run for an hour.

Even though I was in counseling and in a therapy group, and knew a lot about self-care….the way I talked to myself was vicious.

I look back now, and remember that young woman as I hear other people have the same thoughts.

Back then, I didn’t ask if it was true that I should do more, and that I wasn’t getting enough done. I just believed it was true…..and I wasn’t.

The same thoughts will run through my mind now and again, only I notice, I simply cannot believe them like before.

Who would you be without the thought that you should be doing more than you are? Without the thought that you need to take action, get on the horse, cross the finish line for that project?

But. Won’t I just lie around like a lazy slob and do NOTHING?

Without these thoughts I might never get ANYTHING done. EVER! I won’t win! I won’t achieve!

I won’t be guilt-free!

Are you sure?

Here’s the thing. Now that I hardly ever believe the thought that I should ever do anything, I do a lot more.

Seriously.

(Ask me right before a workshop is about to start and I might have a different story about done-ness).

Without the thought that I should do anything at all, I’m writing this Grace Note in this moment, hearing the wind chimes sing on the front porch. Feeling the thump of my daughter’s footsteps moving outside past my closed door. Feeling the delicious heat of my black sweater on my arms.

Every little thing alive, ecstatic, like the air is dancing.

Look around right now. Breathe in and feel the room you are in as you read this.

Feel it.

Who would you be without the thought that you need to do anything more, at all? Without the belief that this is not quite enough, there should be more? 

“You have to understand that it is your attempt to get special experiences from life that makes you miss the actual experience of life. Life is not something you get; it’s something you experience. Life exists with or without you. It’s been going on for billions of years. You simply get the honor of seeing a tiny slice of it. If you’re busy trying to get something, you’ll miss the slice you’re actually experiencing.” ~ Michael Singer 

Turn the thoughts around that you need to do something, that you need to stop procrastinating or wasting time, that you must achieve and do more, that you haven’t gotten enough done:

You need to stop, you should sit here, you do not need to do anything, it’s not your job to get anything special done, it’s not possible to waste time, you can slow way down, you do not have to write that letter, you can get everything done that is necessary.

You are enough. This moment is completely full.

Isn’t that amazing? Doesn’t it make you want to stare at everything, with wonder and joy?

The colors, the sounds, the temperature, textures, sensations, smells…can you see how much is around you?

Could this be enough?

Love, Grace