Tag: Byron Katie

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The Enlightenment Capers

A dear friend and I were recently talking. She brought up a most wonderful topic…enlightenment. Awakening. Spiritual freedom.

We both love this topic.

During the conversation, I noticed something I hear in “spiritual” discussion circles….

….or should I say, I hear it in my own mind.

The question of who is and who is not “awake”.

Suddenly I was struck by this way we humans have of looking, defining, contemplating the notion of “awake” or “enlightened” or “there” or “arrived”.

As one friend said to me once about a spiritual teacher he knew,  “he’s the real deal”.

How does anyone know?

How do I know?

For this exploration, I decided to make a list. When someone has these qualities, I see them as unenlightened:

  • cares too much or too little about other peoples’ behaviors or opinions
  • afraid of the future, regretful about the past
  • dishonest, cheat, liar, selfish, immature, childish
  • experiences big feelings like longing, anger, rage, terror, sobbing
  • triggered by some people, not by others
  • high maintenance – lots of needs
  • addicted
  • complainer
As I sat with my list, I was amazed by all the images, feelings and thoughts that floated around me.

 

I could point out the asleep, clueless people….and the awake, brilliant people.

 

Like I knew.

 

These people, like that…..these other people, like this. One side having crossed the line, the other side, not yet crossed.

 

Some people with it, some without. Some people taking the blue pill, some people the red pill (the matrix).

 

Gosh. Talk about duality.

 

I would know who is or is not enlightened. I would know if someone was clear, brilliant, there. I would know if someone was hazy, lost, not there. I know I am not. I know those people are.

 

Is that true?

 

I take a deep breath and answer.

 

No. I have no idea. I don’t “know” anything about all this, or what’s going on.

 

How do I react when I believe that there are some enlightened people and some endarkened people, and I’ve got a clue who is who?

 

Jeez. A world full of evaluation, comparison, resistance to the dark, pursuit of the light.

 

Not exactly relaxing.

 

So who would you be without the thought that you have any clue at all who is or who isn’t “there” based on behaviors like the list above…..including YOU?

 

Who would you be without the thought that anyone else in the world has something you don’t have?

 

“It is of no use to speculate about what enlightenment is; in fact, doing so is a major hindrance to its unfolding. As a guiding principle, to progressively realize what is not absolutely True is of infinitely more value than speculating about what is.” ~ Adyashanti

Who would you be without the thought that those people, with those qualities, are asleep?

It’s like starting from scratch, knowing nothing.

What if none of these qualities truly mean anything? About anyone?

Nobody holding a quality and keeping it, the possessor of it, the one who owns that difficult (or delicious) quality…nobody wrong, nobody right. Everyone where they are, in a great moving body of energy.

Nothing static, nothing permanent, nothing set in stone.

“People say am I enlightened? Well how would I know? But I know what freedom is, that I know. ‘Enlightened’ I have no thought to. ‘Freedom’ I do, and when we’re free there’s no problem and that’s a very friendly universe to live in. I love this planet.” ~ Byron Katie

Without the belief that Some People have something missing (and you could be part of some people) or that you must strive for certain qualities in order to be comfortable, clear, or good….

….whatever is happening right now is spacious, empty, unknown.

Everyone is amazing, even with their complaints, getting triggered, blubbering, yelling, judging, being needy, being addicted, sick, lying.

“You don’t want your happiness to be conditional on the behavior of other people. It’s bad enough that your happiness is conditional upon your own behavior. When you start making it conditional upon other peoples’ behavior, you’re in serious trouble.” ~ Michael Singer

Ahhh…I look forward to encountering people, whatever their qualities, and allowing them all to be exactly as they are. I myself can practice unconditional happiness in their presence.

Inner stillness, quiet, no matter what.

And when it gets disrupted, inquiry.

Much love, Grace

 

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Be Still And Want What You Want

If you’re wanting to join the truly wonderful circle of inquiry that happens in the luscious Breitenbush Hotsprings (for our 4th year) then NOW is the time to call Breitenbush for your reservations.Click here to get all the information and the phone number to register.

Housing choices get filled up very fast for this incredible time of year at Breitenbush (June 25-29, 2014). An amazing place to experience relaxation of body, mind and spirit in pristine forest. 26 CEUs for mental health professionals.

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Many people who contact me for self-inquiry have a common stressful belief. It starts with a very simple idea.

I need a partner.  

Then there are also variations on this theme: I need a better partner than the one I have, I need to be back with the previous partner I had before.  

Even if you are not concerned with looking at ending or beginning a relationship, but instead there is a little rift in your thoughts where longing arises, or upset because of past choices, or a reaching for that one that got away…..

….Is it true, that you need to add this Other to your life? Are you sure that would be an improvement?

Many people answer “no”. They are aware they do not “need” a partner. They realize there are benefits for their life, freedom, independence, autonomy, making a partnership with something other than an individual human, like their art.

But sometimes, people are afraid that if they don’t feel concern for finding a mate, they won’t even try.

Fine, I know I don’t neeeeeed someone. Forget it then.

Is that true, though?

What would it be like noticing that you think you would have a ball with a companion, enjoy yourself, connect intimately, explore someone else’s world along with your own?

What might happen if you talked about your concerns with that imperfect partner you have? What if you got crazy honest, about what you really, really want, without expectations?

How do you react when you think you don’t really need anyone, you shouldn’t really bring that difficult subject up with your spouse, it’s better if you put a lid on your interests instead of getting into all the mucky messy partner-hunting stuff?

Stuck in an in-between place. Wanting then not-wanting. Not really doing anything. Settling for this, the way it is.

But who would you be without the belief that what you want is hard to find, without any expectations for anything whatsoever, without needing a partner at all?

You may be surprised.

When it really doesn’t matter one way or another…who would you be without the thought that you need a partner?

Some people report that they either feel joyfully thrilled in their single-ness OR they become joyfully thrilled about getting to know tons of interesting, new, fabulous people.

“You know that the basic condition of the egoic self is of a very deep-seated sense of lack, of not enough, not complete. One of the main areas where it looks to fulfill that lack is in Relationship, the Other Person, He or She. He or She is The One. It’s painful. There’s a tendency for the mind to weave all kinds of fantasies, all kinds of stories, a very painful self-image of ‘me’. What is called love is the deep-seated need of the ego, that focuses on one form…… 

…..We need to acknowledge that there are personal affinities. But in themselves, they are never ultimately fulfilling. More often than not, they are a source of suffering. Love becomes a source of suffering when the transcendental is missing. How does the transcendent come in? By being spacious with the other. Which essentially means that you access the Stillness in yourself while you look at the other.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

Without the belief that a partner is better than no partner, or that no partner is safer or better than a partner, then companions arrive and it’s fun, companions go and it’s OK, every way is good.

Byron Katie says about her husband “he’s brave enough to be married to the impersonal.”  

Turning the thoughts around: whatever is happening now (partner, no partner) is fabulous.  

Can you find your genuine reasons why?

“Happiness is the freedom to be as we are, however we are; richer or poorer, in sickness or in health, gaining or losing, succeeding or failing, wanting or not wanting, approving or not approving, forever. Happy is what we are and what we’ll be if we don’t believe we are wrong to be as we are.” ~ Bruce Di Marsico

Love, Grace

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I Wish I Didn’t Want More Money

I want more money.

This belief is not only pervasive, but often, it’s also embarrassing!

It’s like, I want more money but I hate to admit it. I shouldn’t want more money, I hate wanting more money, I’m comfortable without money, I don’t even like the fact that it appears that I need it. Ever. 

If you’ve seen that you don’t NEED more money, you are OK with very small amounts of money, you actually aren’t even interested in buying stuff or upgrading things like your furniture…..

…..it can be tricky to access the inner beliefs about this thing called money and what’s really bothering you.

It’s a little bit like a love/hate relationship, only not that dramatic. Annoying instead. Off. Not exactly loving, kind, trusting and totally relaxed. 

One of my favorite insights came when I began to take Rumi’s advice to heart and in my imagination, gave Money a persona. 

You can do this right now, as you read, if you notice there’s any little discord around money and how you experience it in your mind and heart (and body). 

If Money knocked on your door right now….what would he or she look like? What would the mood of this entity be? How would he or she regard YOU?

Six years ago is when I realized that  if Money knocked on my door, and I opened it….

….what I would see was a homeless addict dressed in rags, holding a cigarette in one hand, eyes flicking around like he’s scared of being followed and doesn’t give a rats ass about whether or not I know him. 

Yikes. 

Fortunately, I invited him within, and looked very deeply and carefully about why he looked like that, and what I imagined was terrible or dangerous about having Money come inside for tea. 

….The dark thought, the shame, the malice, meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in….Jalaluddin Rumi, from The Guest House

But your image of Money may be less severe. It can change, as circumstances change.

If you can picture your relationship with Money (I do this exercise with people around their relationship with Food as well) what would it appear to look like?

Now ask yourself if you want more of this Money in your life? 

Why or why not? What would it give you that feels positive? What would it give you that’s not so positive?

Is this Money a guest you would rather not entertain?

Is it true that you want MORE money?

No. Not if it means needing it, having to pay attention to it, having to ask people for it, charging for services, trading it for food and shelter. 

Squirm squirm. Can we talk about something else?

How do you react when you believe this thought that Money is a troubling thing, and you’d rather not get involved?

Sad. Frustrated. Uncertain. 

Admonishing myself for not figuring it out sooner. Chiding those Other People With Money for being greedy, selfish, lucky, focused, realistic, immature, materialistic, non-spiritual. 

With the thought and the uncomfortable feelings that follow, I’m stuck.

So, who would you be without the belief that it’s tough to want money, or that you wish you didn’t need it, or that there’s something wrong with you? Without the belief in clutching, resistance, feeling “against” the whole situation?

“So if you have no money, you can apply your mind and say, ‘What action can I take?’ And then become still. Don’t apply your mind without the stillness because, if you start applying your mind without the stillness, you might very soon lose yourself in the mind and that turns into worry. Worry means the mind is controlling you. Worry is always pointless. A solution never comes out of worry.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

Without the belief that Money is an uncomfortable guest, a problematic person, you may find a spark of joy and excitement about attraction to it. 

Or, if that’s going a bit far a bit too fast, like getting married after three dates….you may feel compassion for your humanness, for wanting more of this thing called Money….

….for having a body that apparently needs a roof, clothing, food.

….for having a mind that enjoys books, adventures, education.

I turn the thoughts around: I want more money, and it’s OK, it’s natural, it’s part of my spiritual life.

Perhaps I want more “thinking” clearly about money. I want more knowledge, maturity, peace, trust, security about myself.

Could it be that I want more connection to others, more exchange with others, contact, vulnerability, beauty, sharing….and perhaps this need/want for Money has to do with making peace about all this?

If you’re wanting to begin an interesting journey around how you truly feel about Money in your life, no matter how much you have (or don’t have) and you’d like to join a group to do it….

….next week on Wednesday 5:15-6:45 pm PT we begin the 8 week journey into examining the thinking with a live teleclass, limited to 10 people, using The Work to question the beliefs that aren’t so peaceful when it comes to Money.

Click here to register: Investigating Money. Or write grace@workwithgrace.com with questions. 

Much love, Grace

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Without Comparison God and You Are One

That person is soooo cool, she has it together, he is successful, she is so fit, he is such a dynamo at business, they are so lucky, he is so enlightened, she is so good at helping tons of people…

…have you ever had Comparison Worry?

I love taking a dive to investigate stressful beliefs about these kinds of thoughts where you feel some inner glitch because a human out there has something you feel drawn to yourself.

You want it, too.

You do not have it.

Now, before you chop yourself off from this inquiry by saying“there is nothing I really want, I am fine here with me, there’s no one else’s life I want”…

…stay with me if you have a tiny dream that feels unrealized.

Like “waking up”, being confident, feel abundant, doing good for others (like Mother Teresa), being kind, feeling peaceful at all times, making a difference.

Now think of someone who DOES occupy that role, that space, who has it.

They know something or have something that you do not have—is that true?

Yes! I saw him give a speech. He said he made $122K in one month AND he’s helping tons of people change their own lives and contributing to a more joyful world. He’s so confident!

Yes! She offers personal awareness programs and has waiting lists for participants and helps people recover from terrible addictive behavior. She’s so loving!

Yes! He gave people hope, he was so awake people still talk about him after hundreds of years. He was so radical and kind!

Are you sure it’s true, that when you look over there at that amazing person, that enlightened teacher, that they have some quality, or insight, or idea that YOU don’t have, that you’re missing?  

Really answer this question, with honesty. You might be surprised. The answer might be No.

Even if you’re a regular self-doubter.

How do you react when you think the thought that what is going on over there, in that person’s life, is not possible for you? Or if it is possible, it’s not here yet, dang it!

I chase! I’m on the move. I’m rabidly reading books. I buy information, I check out 800 items from the library when I could only read one at a time.

I analyze, I work very hard, I concentrate.

I had a client recently who had this same kind of thought. I want that lifestyle, over there, he thought. I want to be like so-and-so, the one I admire. I want a girlfriend and a great career.

The way he reacted is, he felt depressed, hopeless, defeated. Like it was impossible. Too late. Too hard. Too many rejections so far.

How do you feel physically, with that thought that you are not there yet?

Tired. Tight throat. Sinking chest.

And now….who would you be without that belief? Without the thought that you don’t have what it really takes, or you have a long way to go before you get there, or even, there might be something wrong with you?

Right in this moment, what would you be without that idea?

“Many people find their spirituality taking them outward. They think they are going inward because they have heard the spiritual teaching, ‘Inquire and look within.’ Meanwhile, they are out in the stars somewhere looking for someone else’s experience, looking for the right experience, or looking for the experience they believe they are supposed to have. This is spirituality going entirely in the wrong direction. Inquiry is a means of taking you back to yourself, back to your experience.” ~ Adyashanti 

As I watch the amazing cool young man on youtube who I love that has built a really innovative business (in my opinion) and as I watch all the beautiful teachers of human inquiry and enlightenment and healing….

….without the belief that I am missing something, or that they have something I don’t, or that I’ll never get there….

….I notice I’m delighted beyond words. The variety of success, joy, abundance, wisdom is infinite in this environment.

This place, here, in this particular human life is just right for now. It’s like a garden blooming full of flowers of the most amazing varieties. Today, it turns out, this is what is called for, that is what is moved to, this is how it moves.

It’s not personal.

“Reality is something I can trust. It rules. It is what is, and once it is, there’s nothing I can do to change it for the moment. Nothing. I love that. It’s all so beautiful…..There’s a perfect order running. I’m a lover of what is. Who would I be without my story? Without my story, in this very moment, is where God and I are one.” ~ Byron Katie

Without my story that I don’t have that, or there is something different about that other person’s life (more successful, easier, bigger….or for that matter less successful, harder, smaller) then this moment is quite brilliant.

It’s one gigantic I-Don’t-Know.

I am here, with myself, and find whatever this is (this person who is apparently me) is temporary, unfinished, filled with life energy, watching, taking things in, communing with these other visions of people.

I turn the thought around: I am not missing anything, nothing at all. I have all that is needed, here now. I could die this moment and know it’s been enough, is enough. I am the most incredible person, I LOVE myself, what an interesting human! 

Could that be as true?

How does it feel, despite all the heartache, setbacks, mistakes, loss, failure….to know that you didn’t miss anything, you have all that is needed, that you ARE the qualities you admire, and it’s fine if they don’t look like that person over there.

They look like you, over here.

Even if you DO have doubt about yourself or your abilities, what would it be like to feel that turnaround right now, in the second you’re reading these words: there is something right with me, this is good enough, I love, I enlighten, I serve, I am abundance, I make a difference, I am radical and kind, I am awareness. 

“We are that awareness, whether we’ve noticed it or not.” ~ Rupert Spira

Appreciating This Process

“I wanted to share with you that as a result of doing My Work relevant to ‘Eating Peace’ I am having one of the most peaceful, easy and gentle in my mind evenings home-alone nights in a long time.  I don’t eat much during the day, but evenings are my tough times. Lots of surprising underlying thoughts to Work with have come up, and I feel deep appreciation for this progress. Thanks so much for holding the space for this!” ~ K

Much love, Grace

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I Must, Should, Ought To, Have To, Will!

I must, I have to, I needa, I should, I will, I ought to, I shall…..

These kinds of thoughts enter the mind in an instant and will repeat themselves in a light way, or an intense pushy way, constantly.

You’re in great pain, feeling sick because you’ve done what you said you would never do: buy, spend, drink, eat, watch, lust, obsess, contact, chase, grab, surf.

Maybe you’re physically sick because you’re practically killing yourself with substance abuse…and this is that moment where you’re very aware that this is happening and how much it hurts.

I must quit, I have to quit, I need to control myself, I ought to stop. 

Or, on a slightly lighter note, maybe you’re experiencing a transition like a relationship break-up, a job change, a new housemate.

I have to hurry, I need to work hard, I must change this situation immediately, I will change it, I ought to stay vigilant.

Or, even on a very teensy subtle flicker of a note, you flash on a desire for change.

I should get a new car, I must get that adjusted, I have to finish this today, I ought to be more organized.

Two weeks ago, I looked at the little space between my refrigerator and the wall of my house. I can stretch my hand into that space, my palm touching the white wall, the back of my hand almost touching the fridge. On the other side of this wall is the outside of the house.

My palm feels the damp. There is pealing paint. The rain pours down and obviously there’s a leak up above. Maybe a big leak.

I think “Dang, I MUST figure this out. I need to call someone. I need to find a roof/leak specialist. ASAP!”

Then I walk away, and a few days go by and I forget about it.

I know, I know. It could be really serious, or expensive, and a hassle.

I called someone last year for the same problem, and they came and fixed something on the roof, and my husband paid him some cash, and we thought it was handled.

But something calls for looking again.

It’s the same with our leaking beliefs, right?

Here comes the awareness that something needs attention. I feel pain in the form of worry, stress, sadness, fear, anxiety, irritation.

I say “I really HAVE to do something about this.”

But that thought, in itself, sometimes fosters stress. The pushiness, the demand, the command, the attack, the screaming.

Like you’re yelling at yourself to do it.

You might find, if you don’t like to be yelled at, that you procrastinate, forget about it, dismiss it, or say “I’ll look into that later, when I damn well please, it’s not that freakin’ serious, jeezus.”

If you have a thought that you HAVE to do something, and then right on the heels of this a turning away from that thought, you may want to take a look.

Are you sure you have to?

No, of course not.

I am free to move or not in that direction. I can drag this out, I can stop now, I can ask for help. What’s inevitable?

But without this thought I might never do anything! Never achieve anything! Never try to get safe or secure! Never keep the eyes on the prize!

Without this thought that I MUST do something, my roof will cave in and the wall will keel over, exposing my kitchen to the outside air.

Really?

You’ve already had the thought that you should do something, though. Maybe for years. Is it working to have it? All that yelling, or reasonable well-meaning encouragement, or instructions to the self….how do you react when you believe these thoughts?

Annoyed, depressed, sad, like a failure. Sometimes, suicidal.

What if you didn’t have that thought that you MUST do something, think differently, change something, move differently, take action?

What if you felt different about the idea of doing it…like it wasn’t a big dang hassle, it’s just an idea?

(I just paused this Grace Note, wrote the email to my good friend who does remodeling stuff on houses to ask about who he knows who is a roofing specialist. Done.)

That’s what happens without the thought. Without the heaviness of should, must, will, have to, ought to, never-let-up, never-forget, push it, oh-what-a-bummer.

Something moves that has nothing to do with should/should not.

“It’s just a thought. What are you without the thought? Nothing. Not vulnerable, not invulnerable.” ~ Adyashanti 

I turn the thought all the way around: I do not have to, there is no must, there is no should, I don’t need, I don’t know, there is no ought. 

If I simply relax, slow it all down, stop doing anything for a minute and follow the simple directions…oh look. Do that next. Call for help. Write an email. Walk over there. Get dressed. Breathe. Be quiet. Go to sleep.

There are simple directions…have you noticed? You can follow them. With ease.

“When you follow the simple way of it, you notice that reality holds all the wisdom you’ll ever need. You don’t need any wisdom of your own. Plans are unnecessary. Reality always shows you what comes next, in a clearer, kinder, more efficient way than you could possibly discover for yourself.” ~ Byron Katie

“I” MUST wake up now, is it true?

Hee hee.

Much love, Grace

 

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Do I Want Security or Freedom?

The other day I was remembering how I used to be when I felt upset. I might feel afraid, or angry, hurt, or sad.

Back then, I wouldn’t have any way of considering that I might be filling my entire body, my psyche, my mind, my spirit with frightening images, terrified beliefs, disturbing thoughts.

I might feel terrible because I perceived danger, or something bad had happened. I’d get overwhelmed very fast.

Like those flashes on a screen that cause subliminal desire for popcorn. The mind took in a photo so fast, but your full consciousness didn’t register. You didn’t “know” you were just shown a photo of popcorn.

That’s how my relationship with food felt….like some weird subconscious, uncontrollable cravings or trance-like states would come over me.

It would seem like I just started eating.

When I entered therapy to find help in understanding my behavior, desperate to heal it, I discovered that most of my life I was not sure how I was going to feel from one moment to the next.

And I hated this!

I wanted to feel GOOD, and safe, and loved, and comfortable…all the time.

If I felt unloved, threatened, and uncomfortable….danger.

To change the feelings, eating was my number one go-to activity. If I was angry, I would eat with anger, shoving in food and hardly tasting it. If I was sad, I would eat very comforting foods, more slowly, but eating until stuffed. If I was terrified I would eat quickly, gulping it down, hiding behind a closed curtain in my apartment.

Drinking often worked, too, although I would drink alcohol with other people, not so much alone, and it seemed to make me less nervous around humans.

Smoking had a way of changing the channel as well. Kind of a slow, deep breath, stepping outside somewhere, a way to pause, wait, stop.

But eating. Wow. That was rough! (No kidding, a decade of bingeing, vomiting and hating myself…definitely rough).

An awesome therapist I had suggested keeping a binge journal. Writing down my feelings when I ate cray-cray.

At first, I hated the idea and wouldn’t even do it. Then, I tried reluctantly. I would think “I hate that this is on paper, so embarrassing, so awful.”

But then, as I read my own writing….I discovered that when I overate or had a huge craving to binge, or started graze eating or dreaming of food when I wasn’t hungry….

….I was always afraid, angry, sad, lonely and thinking in pretty extreme ways.

When I got more involved in studying addiction, in graduate school, and by getting close to people in 12 step programs of every kind, I felt a kinship.

I started to realize that I had a very deep and abiding fear of darkness. A dark, gripping, haunting dread of…emptiness, death, destruction, aloneness.

I thought I was alone.

But it turned out, other people felt the same way.

“How do I react when I think the thought? I see the images…and then I experience the emotions….and if I’m an addict, I’ll use. I mean, afterall, life isn’t worth living anyway. I’m so depressed and no one can help me–THIS helps though. So I grab my drug of choice, my drink of choice, my partner of choice, my gaming….We all know how we react when we’re depressed….Anything to change the emotions.” ~ Byron Katie

What was one of the most stressful, painful thoughts that had to be in place to even want to binge eat?

“The world is a dangerous place.” 

Killer thought.

It puts you on alert, makes you sad, makes you feel lonely (because Other People are a part of the dangerous world), makes you build your defenses, and work hard at being careful.

So let’s take a look, with The Work.

Is it true that the world is a dangerous place?

Well, duh. The only way out is death. Everyone dies. Everything is temporary. Love is temporary, connection is unstable, people leave, people attack, there’s not enough for everyone, people suffer here!

OK, before you see every image in your mind of death, war, bombs, starvation, disease and terror…..

….see if it’s absolutely true that the world is a dangerous place?

You might still say yes. Accidents can happen here. Right? Although, lots of fun, miraculous, spectacular stuff goes on as well. Life, love, change, evolution, invention, joy.

But. Well. I’m still not sure. I see lots of dangerous stuff in my head.

How do you react when you believe the thought that the world is a dangerous place?

Very careful, cautious, quiet….sometimes grabbing moments of giddiness and connection with other special people (lovers, family, friends), acting like there’s no tomorrow so do whatever today I want, pretending I don’t care.

Who would you be without that belief?

This could take a moment.

Without the thought that the world is a dangerous place? Like all that bad stuff isn’t…dangerous?

Hmmm.

“The Unknown is more vast, more open, more peaceful, and more freeing than you ever imagined it would be. If you don’t experience it that way, it means you’re not resting there; you’re still trying to know. That will cause you to suffer because you’re choosing security over Freedom. When you rest deeply in the Unknown without trying to escape, your experience becomes very vast.” ~ Adyashanti 

I turn the thought around: the world is a safe place. It is my mind that is a dangerous place.

Well, now, that explains why I am having a horrible time in my apartment, eating, when the person next door is having a wonderful time in theirs.

And this turnaround does not mean I am a terrible person, I’ve just given my mind a terrible project—believe the world is a dangerous place and react when I see the proof that this is true.

I spend time considering that the world is a safe place, is not a dangerous place. I see that the world is indeed a wonderful, safe, amazing place. I’m only here for a short time. How would I know that this isn’t ingenious?

What if that darkness is my friend? Even if I’m not so sure yet…just the very possibility that it is my friend feels…exciting. Thrilling. Joyful.

With the thought that darkness is safe…or at least not dangerous…what do you notice about your urge to eat?

“Some of you, your mind is not open, and don’t expect it to be. There will be windows when you’re willing, just be gentle…..It can only be what I’m thinking and believing that causes depression, not me. Not me.” ~ Byron Katie 

Much love, Grace

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Failing At Life? It’s Only A Thought

In our last Eating Peace class yesterday morning, we were looking at underlying beliefs….

…not just about eating, food, bodies, weight…

…but underlying beliefs about LIFE.

As people read their work, their painful concepts they held sometimes about life and living, their lists were deep, sad, terrifying, upsetting and dark.

But no one was alone in thinking them.

“There are no new thoughts.” ~ Byron Katie 

One thought that several people identified was “I am a failure at life”. 

This thought appears very softly, in a little whisper….or very loud, in a scream. Either way, it’s wonderful to question.

Is it true that you are a failure at life?

Even in that ONE area…you know the one. That moment that wasn’t up to par, that exchange that you screwed up, that result that didn’t happen, the outcome that wasn’t optimal, that mess you made in the past.

Was that a failure?

Yes. I know what success looks like. Not that.

Are you positive? Was it a 100% failure? By YOU? Your fault?

No.

How do you react when you believe the thought?

Tired, sad, annoyed at the other person (or people) involved, angry, seeing the faults in many, desperate for change, hopeless.

Who would you be without that belief?

If you just landed here from another planet—BOOM—you’re a person named (insert your name here). Go.

If you were a flower growing in a garden.

If you were a tree in a forest.

What would it be like, without that thought that you are a failure at living? What would it feel like? What can you imagine? How would you walk down the street? How might you eat dinner?

“When your image of the me takes a break, you’ll find all you are doing at that moment is just being open. You feel quite relieved that you are not trying to get to another moment or a better experience. You feel yourself just being in a very relaxed, easy sense of peace. You haven’t gained anything at all–you’re not smarter, you don’t necessarily know more than anyone else, and you haven’t suddenly become holy.” ~ Adyashanti 

Turn the thought around: I am a success at living. 

Could this be as true, or truer?

Are you alive? Breathing, heart beating, observing this world from your area.

Is just being you enough? What if it was?

I chuckle at the other turnarounds: My thinking is a failure at living…it’s not actually supposed to be successful at living. It comes and goes in whisps and fits, highs and lows, appearing, disappearing. Thoughts live and die.

Another turnaround: I am a failure at dying. So far, this is true. I apparently inhabit a human body. That is still alive. And even after the body is dead, it will turn into earth or ashes and carry on in other formats.

Perhaps, there is no success, or failure. Wow.

“You may realize that most of your life you made the present moment into an enemy. You didn’t say “yes” to it, didn’t embrace it. You were out of alignment with the now, and so life became a struggle. It seemed so normal, because everyone around you lived in the same way. The amazing thing is: Life, the great intelligence that pervades the entire cosmos, becomes supportive when you say “yes” to it. Where is life? Here. Now.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

How would you go about your usual day today, without the belief that you are failing, once failed in the past, or could ever truly fail again?

In a few hours, if you’d like to join a 90 minute free telecall to do The Work together, you’ll get the opportunity to investigate a painful situation in your life, and question an underlying belief about it.

Here are the dial-in instructions:

Primary dial in number: (425) 440-5100
Secondary dial in number: (206) 494-4023
Guest pin code: 305799#

Skype: enter “joinconference” right into your keypad where you normally dial a phone number (no spaces). When you are prompted for the pin code, open your key pad again and enter it.

Extra help for skype users: Click HERE.

Finally, if you’d like to connect via computer and not participate “live” then at the time of the call but only listen in, click here.

Let’s do The Work. A tiny shift in thinking, today, could change your life.

Much love, Grace

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I Give Up

Every so often, I get the urge to close up shop, sell the cottage, and go live in a monastery.

You think I jest!

But no.

There will be a moment of fleeting thoughts, perhaps the to-do list…..

….the roof is leaking, the bed needs to be made, I need to post information about the April Horrible Food Wonderful Food weekend because hardly anyone knows about it yet, I should finalize my 2013 taxes and send them off….

….and then, for no apparent reason except maybe the natural inclination to escape, the thought enters “I give up”.

An idea to bring everything to simplicity. A surrender. The thought to lie down on the floor and do nothing.

Oh dear, though.

Then nothing would be done. And the darkness, or emptiness, or depression, or despair might take over.

The other day I was working with a lovely inquirer who came to this realization….

….”if I don’t have a drive to change, then, I wouldn’t change!”

This is one of my absolute most favorite difficult and troubling concepts to question.

If I love everything the way it is, as it is right now, I won’t TRY to achieve anything. I won’t move, I won’t take action, I won’t want to do anything.

Ever!

Are you sure?

Yes. I dream of lying on the beach all day, doing whatever I want, whenever I want to. I dream of meditating, living in the monastery, being extremely simple, reading books. I dream of staying in bed all day, eating or having sex or sleeping.

Everyone’s got their images of dreamy non-doing.

Are you positive that this is what you’d be doing, this is what you’d follow and how you’d live, if you had no urgency to change, no stress, no upset?

Well. I’m not sure. Personally, my answer is no.

I don’t know if I’d like endless monastery life, I hate staying in bed all day, and the beach is only fun for me if I get in the water, talk, walk or play volleyball, or meditate under the shady umbrella.

How do you react when you believe the thought that you can’t stop feeling stress because your stress motivates you to change?

And of course, you HAVE to change. The current state of affairs sucks, right?

Not enough! Too much!

But who would you be without the thought that you need to change, and you need pain to motivate you to change?

I am not talking about pretending that your state is pure heaven, when it is not.

This is not weird mind-control, affirmation, crazy-ville talk.

But really, when I realize that perhaps not only pain motivates me, but actually support, love, encouragement, silence and relaxation support me…

…I feel relief. I feel excited. I feel much more creative.

I don’t feel physically hopeless.

I notice I have energy, thrill, movement, action arise inside me. I love writing. I love organizing and studying what works for people around healing eating issues. I love dancing.

I only like lying on the floor doing nothing, sometimes.

Without the belief that I absolutely HAVE to change, I might notice that I kind of love the idea of change…and even that I can’t help but change…that it’s not possible to remain stagnant and NOT change.

Without the belief that only pain makes gain (eww) things appear to be very obvious much more quickly. I follow my intuition, I don’t get side-tracked, I remember what the point of All This is, is unknown (to the mind) but I may as well enjoy the ride.

(I love how Adyashanti always says “enjoy yourself”, it makes me chuckle and nod).

Turning the thoughts around, I find I do NOT need to drive change in order to change.

Nothing big and dramatic actually needs to happen…I can notice tiny movements towards honesty. I bring up something I’ve been wanting to speak about to my mate for awhile. I tell my deepest truth to a family member. I ask for help. I pray. I stop hiding anything. I look up at the sky with rain falling down on my cheeks.

I question what I’m thinking.

This organism moves.

“‘My life is over’–ask ‘is it true? Can I absolutely know? How do I react when I believe that? Who would I be, just in this moment, if I didn’t believe it?’ Then turn it around and allow life to show you the new way to move forward, the way that you haven’t seen yet…..When your old plan is gone, your mind immediately fills with new possibilities.” ~ Byron Katie

If you did not HAVE to change, and you relaxed on your urgency to force something to happen….are you sure you would give up, and do nothing…or that nothing would then happen?

“Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it.” ~ Eckhart Tolle 

Wow, now that’s a turnaround.

Yes! I can do this! I give up! All is well!

Much love,

Grace

 

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Skip The Middleman–And Find Happiness NOW

If you are seriously considering joining YOI on Friday, it may be daunting to think of committing to an entire year. You may never have worked with me before, or with a small group on the phone or skype.

You are welcome to try it out guilt-free without feeling you need to commit to the entire year, for the month of March only. Write to me to let me know you’d like to try it for our calls in March, just hit reply. We can have an email chat and I’ll let you know how to enroll for March only if you’re pretty serious about YOI.

*****

When I was first beginning to work with people, I felt nervous, tentative, and a push-pull about working with MORE people.

What I mean by that is, I actually felt uncertain enough about building my practice, and meeting new and completely different individuals all the time, with varying issues, that I sometimes wasn’t sure I wanted more clients.

Kind of funny, right?

Yet I knew to survive financially, at least with the life I had of owning a little cottage, supporting two children, and buying food and gas….

….I would need to receive money for my service of working with others.

Even though I loved working with people without getting paid for it at all. I volunteered on the Help Line, I offered free sessions, I did volunteer workshops for business organizations and non-profits in my community.

But as I continued my work with other human beings, I saw that I had some strange and uncomfortable blocks with money.

So the actual “receiving” part was weird. My fees were super crazy low. I’d feel embarrassed about asking for money at all.

I’ve questioned many stressful thoughts since that time….

….stressful thoughts on money, work, promoting oneself, marketing, selling, giving, receiving, buying, charging.

And my thoughts began to open up to other, very different possibilities.

I began to feel much more creative, confident, and valuable, to both myself and to others.

And as this feeling of value grew from inside….so did my value in the physical world.

Even with thoughts that seemed entirely unrelated to money, as I did The Work, my relationship with Reality and with the whole universe, every day, grew more abundant, safe, gentle and loving.

Not having dread of new things, worry about how something might go, sadness about the way something went…

…there is an open humility and softness that I never before experienced.

In the end I found that thoughts I had about money: getting it, earning it, accumulating it, spending it, saving it, asking for it….

….were surprisingly similar to thoughts I had about love, attention and needs…..

….and these thoughts were surprisingly similar to thoughts I once had about food and eating.

  • I need it
  • I want it
  • I must have it in order to be happy
  • I don’t have it now (so I am unhappy)
  • too little is dangerous
  • too much is dangerous

Always pushing for that perfect balance!

Either there was too little or too much! Where’s the middle ground??! ARRRGGG!!!

Just taking one from this list to inquiry can be super powerful.

So pick your item, any time (it’s like the magic tricks–pick a card, any card…)

Money, Love, Food

What do you need this thing to be “right” for? What would you have, if you had enough of it?

What would you have if you had it squared away? Under control?

Well…I thought you’d never ask….I’d have comfort, peace, relaxation, I’d be attractive, secure and care-free.

Are you sure? Is it true?

YES! I’d stop hunting, seeking and striving for more. I’d quit having to feel empty, insecure.

Are you absolutely sure that’s true? Are you sure you’d be happy? That your problems would be solved….if you had money, love and food-and-eating (or that other addiction) all settled in your life?

No. I’m pretty sure there would be different problems, other things to consider, new situations to face, or handle.

There’s always somethin’!!

How do you react when you believe you need something, want something, must have it, are lacking something, or you need to be careful about having too much or too little?

Oh man. Very, very cautious. Nervous, uncomfortable, lost, sad.

Now here’s the Big Question, the one that sometimes is hard to even “get” at first, when you feel nervous:

Who would you be without the belief that getting more of that thing you identified would be good?

What if you came from another culture where there is no need for money, love, or perfection around food and eating?

Without the belief that I need, I want, I must have, I’m missing….

….suddenly I look around the room, and I feel a surge of excitement.

Can you feel it?

What if you knew this was a game, you were OK, and you had all you needed, in this moment right now?

“Absolute completeness surrounds you wherever you go. So there is really no reason to bother yourself about it, except for the fact that we humans have long ago deceived ourselves into such a confined tangle of confusion and disarray that we scarcely even consider, much less experience for ourselves, the divinity within and all around us.” ~ Adyashanti 

You really do have to imagine this for yourself.

All I know is, I can see how every single time in my life I thought all was lost, and I didn’t have enough, or I thought I wouldn’t make it…

…it was OK.

I turn the thoughts around:

  • I do not need it, I already have it or have access to it
  • I do not want it…I want peace…and I already can have peace in this situation
  • I must NOT have it in order to be happy…I’m being invited to something else, something different, something new, something yet unknown
  • I don’t have it now (so I am happy)…could I find happiness for anything right here in this moment? Yes!
  • there is no danger—WOAH! Amazing.
“I have an expression: skip the middleman. And be happy from here.” ~ Byron Katie

 

If you notice you are stuck on some either big or small thoughts about what you might need, or be missing, that you’re SURE would make you happy (and where you are now is unhappy) then try doing The Work.

If it’s hard to “get” or understand, and you’ve tried before but it feels like it’s not sinking in…join Year of Inquiry starting Friday.

Every month we change topics, and we’ll cover Money, the Body, Relationships (love) and many others during our time together.

Much love,

Grace

 

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Who Would You Be Without Your Scary Story?

The mind is so active, quick, busy, full and engrossed with itself….you’re probably sayin’ “I know! Tell me about it!”

When something troubling happens, mental activity appears to kick in even more than usual: thoughts, images, voices, pictures, planning, suggestions, internal movies.

There’s a Problem.

The mind will go after that problem with a vengeance.

One thing I love about The Work is that when there is a flair-up of excitement, worry or adrenaline….there is something to “do” with the feelings and thoughts that occupies the busy mind.

When something difficult happens in life, often there is a core underlying shout, a belief, that appears.

Maybe it’s not so obvious, but if you ask yourself about a really sad, scary or irritating situation you’ve experienced, then you may find that you really believe one of these thoughts is true:

  • there’s something wrong!
  • I need to change!
  • this is terrible!
  • I can’t live with this feeling!
  • I have to know what to do!
  • I’m not safe!
  • I’m not enough (so I need support, love, money, etc)

When there is a really deep painful belief like one of these coming up, and felt very profoundly inside of you, you may not be able to sleep, sit still, work, talk to friends, stop talking to friends, relax.

You may feel overwhelming urges to avoid thinking about this troubling event by eating, drinking, smoking, watching television, or obsessing about a new relationship.

But like I said, I do like The Work for investigating very deep unsettling beliefs, because I can follow the steps, one-by-one, slowly, and using my imagination to expand my viewpoint.

You get to take this simple action….The Work….and examine your idea that feels so very true.

This situation is terrible, and I need to fix it and know what to do.  

NOW.  

Is that true?

Yes! I’m making check lists, I’m writing out plans, I’m making phone calls, I’m compulsively moving, going, busy, anxious.

Stop.

Can I absolutely know that it’s true that this situation is terrible, that I am not happy at all, that I can’t live this way, that I’m not safe?

In the most basic sense, No. I am breathing, living, I am loved, this appears to be part of the human condition (it’s happened to plenty of others).

No. Even if I have no idea what to do, I’m here, now, alive.

How do I react when I believe these core underlying disturbing beliefs?

Like I’m on a racetrack, running…or angry, furious…or very sad, despairing and tearful.

Now here’s the Great Leap to Question Four: Who would I be without these underlying thoughts? If I couldn’t believe them to be true? If they were just not so dang serious?

Who would I be if these thoughts were NOT TRUE?

One thing I say over and over to my clients, that works so well for me, is imagining being a tree.

Trees grow, in just the right amount at just the right time and they do not believe they are doing it wrong, or that they are in danger, even if someone comes along and chops them down.

They are not busy planning how to fix a situation, manipulate, control, change or switch routines.

“Watch any plant or animal and let it teach you acceptance of what is, surrender to the Now. Let it teach you Being. Let it teach you integrity – which means to be one, to be yourself, to be real. Let it teach you how to live and how to die, and how not to make living and dying into a problem.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

Even if it feels crazy at the moment…simply consider who you would be without these beliefs that something terrible has happened.

Just the act of entering this imagination, you may notice, changes something ever so slightly within.

Byron Katie suggests that The Work is meditation. It is a waiting, slowing down, stopping, contemplating.

Holding still at some inner place…..even if you are going to the market, preparing your kids’ school lunch, cleaning out the garage, applying for jobs, answering the phone.

Who would you be without that story?

Only 3 days more to sign up for YOI, Year Of Inquiry. If you’d like support with entering the quiet of simply questioning your thoughts, supported by others, then write me at grace@workwithgrace.com.

Much love, Grace