Tag: Byron Katie

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You Need Absolutely Nothing–Not Even Workshop Clients

For the past several months, I’ve had more and more inquiries from people about how to run a small business, how to fill events, where to look for clients, or how to get people to enroll in classes.

It’s funny, because one of my immediate thoughts is….you’re asking ME? 

(Picture Robert Dinero saying ‘You talkin’ to me?!’)

Because some things I do are really “successful” as in a workshop with 100+ people enrolled, or an introductory talk somewhere for a whole business organization….

….while other events have very few people signing up and I’ll reschedule them and then suddenly it’s full.

I don’t exactly feel like an expert small business practitioner who knows what works and what doesn’t, if success means many people enrolling in what I’m offering.

This next weekend on my calendar I’ve had my event upcoming that I’ve taught before….only with much more updated material and several new exercises….Horrible Food Wonderful Food.

Because I just taught my Year of Inquiry weekend, or because I’ve been writing so much, I have done very little to promote or talk about Horrible Food Wonderful Food.

And there are only three people registered.

So if you thought I was packing the house with workshop attendees, it’s not true for this one!

These kinds of experiences used to make me imagine different options: I could worry, fret, push harder, regroup, drop the price, beg people to attend.

I could also inquire, deeply.

This inquiry can be done on ANYTHING you think you need more of. Whether clients, participants, money, weight-loss, recognition, attention, support, health, a partner, sex, success of any kind.

I need more.

The wonderful thing is, when I’ve done The Work on this sensation of “needing” something, the freedom to not need at all is magnificent.

And it never has meant that I don’t continue onward and forward, tweaking my business message, learning more about marketing and connecting with the right audience, or being successful in whatever way I’m dreaming of.

Just because you do The Work on needing to change your relationship with food and eating, for example, doesn’t mean that you will conclude that you do NOT need to change a single thing, ever, around food and eating.

If you are upset about weighing a lot you may really feel in your heart that you would feel more physically comfortable at a lighter weight.

That is what is true for you.

So you keep going with understanding your own mind and your own behavior. You watch yourself and see what is happening when you want to eat a lot, or eat when you aren’t hungry, or eat things that make you feel sick later.

What I have found is that being able to identify what I am actually thinking that creates a stressful reaction inside is like finding a golden treasure.

So here I have a weekend workshop apparently scheduled where I support people in examining their stressful relationship with food.

A time to look at food and the “problem” moments.

So now….I have my own “problem” moment. Not with food, but with people not signing up to attend the workshop in the first place.

I can do some investigation on this situation, and find out what I’m really thinking and believing.

Let’s see what happens.

Here we go:

I can see that I do not need customers, or participants. I do not need this workshop to happen this coming weekend. I’m earning enough money. I’m working every day. My business continues to reach the highest levels ever, after a few years now of being in operation. I’m making a difference.

Many people with eating issues can see that they don’t need the food they are craving, or eating, or bingeing on. They can also see that they don’t need to diet.

Yet they recognize that something is calling to them for assistance, for care, for attention.

What could it be?

I get to ask the same questions.

What’s going on with me and not filling this particular workshop? What are the stressful thoughts about it, that I haven’t looked at yet?

  • I’m communicating about this workshop poorly
  • This means I have more to learn–I’m not Miss Expert Workshop Filler
  • I can’t guarantee results for people who DO take the workshop—like weight loss, ending all obsessions and cravings, or eliminating binges forever
  • I can’t entirely explain why I am so free from any food troubles, when I once was a complete wreck
  • I might not be able to help everyone

Wow. As I look at all the thoughts that spill out when I just let them flow, I can see there are some stressful ideas.

I can’t guarantee transformation in the relationship with food and eating for people who are suffering, but I WANT to. 

Is that true?

Yes! Isn’t that the point for people who take any programs, workshops or do sessions with me?

Can I absolutely KNOW that it’s true that guarantees are best? Or that I need to help people?

No.

Even with the teachers I admire very deeply, there are some people who find great transformation and some who feel “meh”.

Sometimes there are lightbulbs that go off with a huge flash, other times it’s little tiny awareness moments.

How do I react when I believe I’m doing something wrong, I need to get a message across, I’m not communicating well, I wish I could fill that workshop, I can’t guarantee results, or I might not be able to help everyone?

Like giving up, or renewing effort in a determined way. Push hard, or draw back. Energy goes either out or in. Pushing. Pulling. It’s stressy.

Who would I be without these kinds of thoughts?

I would continue to love this journey of having a peace beyond anything I could have ever imagined when it comes to food, eating, weight, body image, and being in this body at this size.

But if it’s not for me to share or “teach” this particular weekend, then that’s OK too.

Without these thoughts, I relax instantly. I feel a surge of how fun all this is. I think about working with people individually who are signed up, connecting with them, focusing on them entirely to see what’s underneath their particular story.

This may be more effective for each one of them, who knows.

Without the thoughts that things should go differently than they are in this instance, I start to get excited.

Energy flows in towards me. Instead of me pushing or pulling at the situation.

I feel more creative. I see advantages for no workshop. Maybe there is something else even better that I’ll be doing.

I turn my thoughts around and sit with them, allowing them all to be:

  • I’m communicating about this workshop richly, in ways that are worth riches to myself, to others
  • This means I have more to learn–I’m not Miss Expert Workshop Filler, oh goodie!
  • I can guarantee results for myself teaching my own “life” workshop—like weight loss, ending all obsessions and cravings, or eliminating binges forever…wow, yes
  • I can’t entirely explain why I am so free from any food troubles, when I once was a complete wreck….and that’s good news, it shows I don’t have to know EVERYTHING
  • I might not be able to help myself, so I can ask others

As I sit with these, I realize that I haven’t communicated well to myself about everything inside when it comes to this Horrible Food Wonderful Food workshop.

I discover how I am learning through this process, and have so much unfolding before me when it comes to filling workshops. I am taking classes, talking with experts, in some fantastic mastermind groups, and my business life is blending with my spiritual life in ways I never could have dreamed before.

Wow.

The people who sign up to work with me are serving ME. They are incredible, their questions are perfect, their concerns are so valuable.

I can feel how very well this present moment is. Whether sitting in a room full of people investigating their relationship to food, or sitting in a room alone, on a couch.

“The mind’s job is to do everything it possibly can to hold a stressful belief in place. Because when that belief is held in place, an identity is established. The Work is a way to break that spell. And I don’t say that it WILL break that spell. But if a person really wants to know the truth, a lot can be done to shift that identity, and then reality, totally.” ~ Byron Katie

If I can be of service to you in your journey with food and eating, breaking that spell of craving or obsessing, or ending your plans for the next diet, then write to me at grace@workwithgrace.com.

Who knows if I can or not.

All I know is, if I can have the entry into freedom that I have had, then so can you.

It is possible for everyone, now.

If other people can fill workshops with many, then so can I, and so can you (if that’s what you want).

And here’s the funny thing. There is no workshop necessary and no workshop that needs to be filled, unless there is.

“Stop thinking of achievement of any kind. You are complete here and now, you need absolutely nothing.” ~ Nisargadatta

OK then. I hear the tap tap of fingers on laptop. And laughter bubbling up. The fun of waiting to see what happens. However it goes is fabulous.

Love, Grace

P.S. It hardly needs to be repeated at this point, but just in case–if you’re interested in spending this coming Friday evening with me, all day Saturday and all day Sunday (10 am – 5 pm both days), to deeply investigate what the heck is going on in this horrible wonderful food situation, contact me. My number is 206-650-1230. I’m here to help.

 

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Money Never Gave Anyone A Problem

Correction on Breitenbush update: early bird rate $395 (before May 1st) and repeaters are $395 no matter when you register but also receive solo sessions with both me and Susan, my kind and experienced co-facilitator.

And speaking of corrections….

….I can’t believe I make typos on important details! Like dates, fees, schedules.

People have been suggesting to me for awhile that I need a full time assistant. I know it’s eventually going to happen.

Becoming someone who has people working for me is….

….bizarre.

There are a few thoughts. That may be stressful.

But the biggest stressy thing is imagining making a payment, not knowing how long things will take (and therefore how much it will cost), wondering that I may experience disappointment at how much is going out for what I receive back.

Isn’t that just the goofiest but VERY common notion?

So many people think this not just when they need to hire someone but every time then give money in exchange for something else. I am anticipating feeling disappointment in the future, after I have made the trade of money for this service, item, experience, or assistance.

I have a leaking roof right now on my little cottage. I’m gathering bids for the replacement.

How do you even sort out what the work is “worth”?

I know whenever the commentator says “you HAVE to….” then there’s a disempowered voice talking.

As in….victim.

I have to hire someone, I have to get that done, I have to fix my roof, I have to go to work, I have to go buy groceries, I have to do my laundry, I have to go to the gym, I have to be nice to him, I have to have to have to.

I love stopping and doing The Work on these “have to” orders.

Is it true?

Yes. I have to buy groceries. If I want to LIVE. Because I have to eat.

Really?

No. If I had no money, there are food banks, friends, family, land to grow something on, dumpsters, waiting until tomorrow or the next day, going without for awhile, trading something besides money for food.

How do you react when you believe you have to do something, as in YOU MUST, you should, it’s a order, you’re stuck, you’re confined to this, it’s a necessity, you can’t get out of it, it’s required?

You might rebel. You might want to keep things “under control” and manage the situation. Or if you’re like me maybe you freeze, depending on the situation. Do nothing.

Maybe you try to hide, not spend, never “cost” anything, save, hoard, worry, hang on to the money you have.

Or the flip side, you might spend money like you’ll be dead tomorrow. Who cares.

But who would you be without the thought that you HAVE to put your money over there, to trade it for help, food, fun, an experience, education, survival?

“Reality as we believe it to be will bring tears or sadness, but when you go back within these questions you look at it with the fourth question–who would you be without that thought?…. Money is absolutely innocent. Money never gave anyone one problem. It just sits there, and you just project on to ‘nothing’.” ~ Byron Katie 

Without the thought that you “have to” do anything when it comes to money and acquiring something or giving it away or trading it for something else?

Without that thought, I’m in a flow of life. I’m resting, then I’m noticing I’m hungry, then I’m going to get food, then I’m going to get a drink of water, then I’m seeing that the roof has rain water coming in and then I’m googling roofers, then I’m typing these words, then I’m getting up and walking outside and getting into my car and driving to the store.

Every moment, this moment, perfect. I am OK in this moment. It means nothing about the future, or about the past. I’m not being forced to do anything. I’m breathing, noticing the support around me, under my feet.

I turn the thought around that I “have to”.

“With or without money, we have a right to be happy. That’s our birthright. If peace is dependent on houses and cars, arms and legs, there’s no possibility for peace. But in my experience, peace has no conditions.” ~ Byron Katie 

I do not have to do anything. I do not HAVE TO. I may choose to, out of the joy of being alive, efficient, caring, joyful.

I notice I LOVE taking care of my little house. It’s my job. Why would I not want this job? I notice I LOVE taking care of my work, my business, my body, my clients, my family.

“Life without a reason, a purpose, a position… the mind is frightened of this because then “my life” is over with, and life lives itself and moves from itself in a totally different dimension. This way of living is just life moving. That’s all…..The only price is all of our positions. The only price is that you stop paying a price.” ~ Adyashanti 

Inside I began to notice a trust in this flow, there is a movement, nothing is set in steel, no moment is limited. There is the possibility of not suffering every time money leaves my hand for someone else’s hand, and leaves someone else’s hand for my own.

Perhaps there are no individual hands, everyone breathing in and out.

And the movement is beautiful, like a gorgeous abundant river.

The 8 week class on money begins again soon on Wednesdays. Stay tuned. We’ll meet late afternoons Pacific time.

Love, Grace

 

 

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Psycho Prison of Believing What You Think

Reminder to all Breitenbush participants from the past: if you register before May 1st, your fee is only $295 (you save $100). Important to write to me grace@workwithgrace.com if you are coming back so we can alert the offices at Breitenbush of your special repeater fee.

And setting up time to sit and do The Work in the power of a group….what a wise and wonderful thing to do.

Well, it sure has been for me. The difference between me BEFORE spending time questioning my thinking….and me AFTER questioning my thinking….

….is almost unrecognizable for me inside myself. 

This could only happen when I set aside the time, as a priority, for self-inquiry. And in different phases of my life, this hasn’t been easy.

Recently, a YOI (Year of Inquiry) participant who just attended the School for The Work for the first time called me and said “Wow. After doing The School, I realize I want to do The Work all the time. I need to be in this Year of Inquiry group more than ever.”

Maybe some of us are such good “do-ers” in this world, that sitting quietly and examining our beliefs just doesn’t appear to be that productive.

Believe me, when I have typically “set aside time” on my own calendar without an official retreat, guidance, facilitation, teacher, a group, or a one-on-one session with another inquiring friend……

…..guess what that blocked out time looked like in real life?

Errands, going to the gym, reading, answering emails, laundry, updating curriculum, tweaking my website, dishes, talking with my husband and kids, checking my texts, looking at the internet, adding on a last-minute client right into that exact blocked out slot.

All the productivity teachers talk about the same kind of thing. 

They suggest doing the thing first that has the greatest, most meaningful value for you, every day.

It’s weird that we’re set up this way…to sort of skip over this quieter song within, and “get” everything else “done”.

There is something of great draw for you in your heart, something has stirred inside you with desire for personal understanding, but you dismiss it and set it over in the corner to come back to, later. 

Even something as common as exercising, taking a new class, meeting a good friend for tea, creating something new, taking your car to the shop, making a doctor’s appointment, finishing your book.

You don’t do it now. You wait. 

Not that there’s anything wrong with that. 

But once you see the pleasure, the change, the movement of energy and a shift in your feelings, the dissolving of stress, unhappiness leaving, or confusion becoming clear….

….then whatever assisted in that change, whether slight or magnificent, becomes very, very interesting.

To put it mildly.

Then, you hardly need to set aside time for retreat and personal inquiry and meditation. Because your life becomes full of it every day, all the time. No need to go anywhere or do anything. Your mind *thinks* and you wonder if it’s true, and you might start laughing. 

Awareness of who you truly are stays centered, clear, present in every tiny moment.

But what if your mind is so speedy that you aren’t sure what you’re even thinking in the first place that leads to stress? What if you feel hurt by someone? What if you feel fearful about having cancer, upset about losing your job, self-critical about hating your boss, sad because of the lack of fun or sexuality in your primary relationship, or disturbed with the way you drink or eat?

What if there is something that keeps pestering you for awareness, understanding, clarity or resolve? What if something BIG went down between you and someone, and you can’t stop thinking about it some nights?

Maybe that commenting thinking voice is there for a reason! 

It’s a strange thing to compare the investigation of the mind with athletic training. But as an athletic person myself, I find it wonderfully similar in many ways.

Here is this body that is a moving machine. Here is this thinking machine. Being “me”. Resisting, planning, formulating conclusions, getting conditioned, believing, hoping, imagining, seeing, knowing, learning, adding, subtracting. 

There appears to be an identity here that is unique, thinking, perceiving from this special vantage point. There appears to be a body here that might “win” if competing with the best in the world. 

All very well….until a fly gets in the ointment. You’re training for the Olympics, and you twist your knee. 

A powerful athlete does everything to take care of that knee. She moves over to healing the knee, so she can carry on with the bigger picture, the greater goal. 

This is how I see every session, every group, every telecall, every retreat, every gathering of souls doing The Work together. We’re on a journey, and we’ve noticed we have a common “situation”. 

The mind got twisted. So instead of continuing to ignore it, we’re turning our attention to it entirely. 

Because without healing that injury, there will be no chance for anything more. No Olympics. No peace.

“We must free our mind from all that it has collected, all that it clings to, all that it depends on. This begins by realizing that we are in a psychological prison created by our minds. Until we begin to realize how confined we are, we will not be able to find our way out. Neither will we find our way out by struggling against the confines we have inherited from our parents, society, and culture. It is only by beginning to examine and realize the falseness within our minds that we begin to awaken an intelligence that originates from beyond the realm of thinking.” ~ Adyashanti

The Work….which is four questions and then finding the turnarounds….is a simple structure for this inquiry. Simple, yet complex. 

The questions are big ones, the answers are your own. 

But oh how incredible to examine the thoughts that create stress in your life, the ones that bring on sadness, terror, anxiety, anger, and emotional pain. These kinds of thoughts and memories that produce something that feels like falseness.

The falseness of forever being a “do-er” without stopping to slow down, take a look, and enter something deeper in yourself.

“An uncomfortable feeling is not an enemy. It’s a gift that says, ‘Get honest; inquire.’ We reach out for alcohol, or television, or credit cards, so we can focus out there and not have to look at the feeling. And that’s as it should be, because in our innocence we haven’t known how. So now what we can do is reach out for a paper and a pencil, write thought down, and investigate.” ~ Byron Katie

Before self-inquiry, I had to look to a ton of different solutions in order to find relief. 

After self-inquiry? All I needed was a pen a paper, time to investigate, and then…the joy of not believing everything I think.

If you want to give your mind the attention it seeks on that issue (or issues) that keep pestering you for resolution….

….then come immerse yourself in the beauty of knowing you, investigating your mind, and getting a glimpse of who you really are. 

Because no one wants to stay in a psychological prison. And it’s hard to stay in there all by yourself. 

Find a partner, get someone you know to facilitate you, start writing out your answers to the four questions, take a class, sign up for Breitenbush. 

You’ll be sooooo glad you did. You could change your life, your world, your past, your future. Really. 

Because that’s what has happened for me.

Love, Grace

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The Safety of Silence When You’re Creeped Out

I want to stop thinking!!!  

Last night I had the rare experience (for me) of turning off the light to go to sleep, and then listening, waiting, seeing pictures floating in my mind, thinking about the Horrible Food Wonderful Food workshop and the cool new exercises, wondering about the neighbors, my schedule of clients the next day, that email I should have replied to.

It was weird, like a little machine was humming.

I know this is not uncommon, many people even feel concern about not being able to go to sleep fast. Most of my life, I’ve gone to sleep in like one minute, literally.

But last night, it was like I was excited!

I remember being fully awake in the middle of the night during a weekend retreat with Byron Katie on relationships.

Yikes. 3 am.

That time, I wasn’t really what I would call excited. It was more like worried, ruminating, anxious….OK, terrified.

Back then, it felt like hours of tossing and turning, and knowing my good friend was in the other bed and I didn’t want to wake her up by turning on the light. I kept looking at the red digital clock.

Lying there in the dark, feeling, thinking, imagining…..I was not identifying clearly what it was that was bothering me. I kept seeing various life issues of concern, mostly around past important relationships, present themselves.

Time to get up.

Because doing The Work in your head, I found soooo many times, is not really doing The Work. Mind is just too quick to get there, if there’s a hitch.

In the bathroom, sitting on the toilet with the lid closed shut, notebook on my lap and pen in hand, I began to write.

Writing down your thoughts, different things happen with the process of thinking.

You might think you’re working with the same mind. But it slows something down. Like breathing more deeply and slowly. Things can change in unexpected ways.

After scribbling wildly for what felt like another hour, checking the time again, hearing the deep breathing of my sleeping roommate still….

….I picked one thought: He is dangerous, he gives me the creeps. 

I started writing out my answers, even though my mind wanted to speed into this faster than a tornado. Even though the mind was commenting “writing is so slow, this is stupid, you’ll never learn anything, go faster, I’d rather do this work with Katie.”

 

I could also hear the turnarounds. I’d rather do this work with myself, this is going just the right speed, I am learning something right in this midnight moment, slow down.

Back to the thought.

Is it true that he is dangerous and creepy?

Yeah! He leaves cryptic messages. He’s sneaky. He’s unpredictable.

Can I absolutely know it’s true?

 

No. Not at all. I don’t even know him all that well. Weird. Why am I doing The Work on this right now? Don’t you have other better things to do the work on, like your divorce?

Back to the questions (after a five minute interlude staring into the bathroom mirror).

How do I react when I believe someone is creepy or dangerous?

How does it feel?

Like heightened alert mode. Tense. I avoid the area where he might go. I notice this kind of feeling inside with anything that’s “creepy”.

But who would I be without that story?

Lots of people will say that without the story, I’d be unsafe. I need to be worried about creepy people so I don’t get hurt.

But are you sure that if you have no concern, no repetitive anxiety, nervousness, or defensive shield that you won’t know not to go down a very dark alley?

It’s not denial. It’s crystal clear clarity. It’s not playing games, it’s trusting that your radar is guiding you.

Something perhaps OTHER than mind.

I turn the thought around, and this can be done on anything you think of as creepy: he is not dangerous, my mind is dangerous, I am dangerous.

I try that on. It feels lighter.

Well, sort of. You don’t need to berate yourself about it. It’s just noticing that you scare yourself, so who’s the dangerous one?

I notice I’m in a bathroom, all by myself, with bright lights and a pen and paper. I’m extremely “safe” except for my own thinking.

“Ultimately all fear is the ego’s fear of death, of annihilation. To the ego, death is always just around the corner. In this mind-identified state, fear of death affects every aspect of your life.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

Could it be just as true that some part of me wanted to keep thinking? Was that part of me afraid to let go of being identified with the mind?

And now suddenly…a freedom of feeling this present moment, right in the bathroom. And how safe I have been before up until now. And how safe it will be in the future, no matter what happens (even if the mind thinks it is not safe).

What if annihilation is wonderful.

It could happen.

“When the mind is free of all of its content, all of its conditioned thinking, it enters into the solitude of silence. That silence can only arise when one sees the limitations of one’s thinking. When one sees that his or her thoughts will not bring truth, peace, or freedom, there arises a natural state of silence and inner clarity. And in that silence there is a profound solitude…” ~ Adyashanti 

Yes, it is happening. Right now.

Right now.

Love, Grace

 

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Complainers! Showing Us How To Love

Those people are sooooooo slow. The traffic is moving like molasses. I hate waiting. This is taking tooooo long. 

Have you ever been bugged when someone else makes these kinds of statements? 

The other day, I was working with a wonderful inquirer who had some thoughts about the way her husband complained about the traffic.

HE was the one with the stressful thoughts like the ones above. About slowness.

And he should stop saying those thoughts out loud. Boring, unnecessary thoughts.  

With frustration in her voice, she exclaimed “We didn’t even have to be anywhere soon, we were going shopping as a family! He should stop barking about something so stupid as traffic!” 

I had to chuckle to myself. Because I’ve had that thought!

That person should stop complaining, stop being so negative, get their act together, stop fussing about traffic (or whatever), calm down, chill, relax, get quiet, stop caring about “x” so much, quit being so concerned about “y”.

Really, they’d be better off. I’m sure of it.

Pause.

Are you really sure?

Yes! So annoying!

Can you be absolutely positively sure, though? Is it entirely true that they should stop complaining about that? Are you sure their life would be better, or yours?

Well…I think so, to be honest. Without all that fussin’ it seems like they’d be happier.

How do you react when you believe this thought?

Arggh. The split second their complaint is uttered I have my own, er…I guess that would be a complaint…

….oh. heh heh.

Like there’s a rush of energy that is against, resisting, defending, not wanting to HEAR those words, that noise, that tone.

But who would I be without any of these thoughts? The person utters their comment, they look distressed or flustered or upset, and I don’t have the thought that they shouldn’t be?

Hmmm. It sure does stop the mechanism of either fixing, helping, addressing or also being concerned in the same situation.

Yes, I notice a spacious feeling. A tenderness towards that person. And a detachment, a freedom from an old way of being with someone who is apparently unhappy.

I might notice, without the thought that they shouldn’t be complaining, that I listen. I wait. I hear that they wish things would go faster. They may feel afraid, worried, sad.

I may be moved to reach over and squeeze their hand. Or remain quiet. Or move away to something else.

I turn the thoughts all around: they shouldn’t stop complaining, I should stop complaining about them complaining, I should stop being so negative about them, or about myself, I should get my act together in their presence (great practice!), I should stop fussing about their fussing about traffic (or whatever), I should calm down, chill, relax, get quiet, stop caring about “x” so much, quit being so concerned about “y”.

Phew! True!

“For me, no one is too tense. They’re as tense as they need to be. Obviously, perfectly….How does it feel to give someone something without the thought that we have to please them? So we give something and our story keeps us from realizing our goodness. I hand you the cup and I tell the story ‘she’ll like me if I do that’. But if I just hand you the cup, without that story, I feel my service, my goodness and my dedication to you.” ~ Byron Katie

When I question my story that you should stop complaining so that I can feel better, I may hear your words, and serve.

Automatically. Without thought.

“How you interact with those who do not support you shows how enlightened you really are. As long as you perceive that anyone is holding you back, you have not taken full responsibility for your own liberation. Liberation means that you stand free of making demands on others and life to make you happy. When you discover yourself to be nothing but Freedom, you stop setting up conditions and requirements that need to be satisfied in order for you to be happy.” ~ Adyashanti

Thank you, complainers, for showing me the way.

Love, Grace

 

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You’re The Teacher

When I offer a weekend workshop or retreat, those of you who know me will know that I always read sacred poetry, and I repeat the same ones several times over the weekend.

Because once is not enough to hear every beautiful nuance or understand the meaning.

Twice is not enough to hear what you didn’t hear the first time.

Three times is getting closer…where you might say “oh, wow, I get it now”.

And in more times after that, you may hear different lines, words, meanings than you ever heard so far.

Mind is like that.

So full, so busy, so big, so wide. Crunching hard at seeing, hunkering down, making plans, analyzing, being surprised being delighted, fearful, joyful.

The past weekend during our Year of Inquiry retreat the amazing people present did some fantastic looking.

We ended our Saturday together meditating on the stressful thought: something threatening is happening. 

Everyone could find that thought, a situation in which they believed it to be very true. Many people thought that something threatening COULD happen.

Absolutely possible. True true true.

Illness, accidents, death, mean people, time passing, loss, hurt, destruction.

But who would you be without that thought? Without the belief that anything threatening has happened, is happening right now, or will happen later?

Kind of hard to imagine. But that’s where to start: imagination.

Because that’s what you have already….a wild imagination, thinking fearful thoughts.

So why not imagine who you would be without the thought?

Who would you be a few hours from now, or next week, or in a month? Or next year? Or at the end of your life on your death bed?

Without the thought that something threatening is happening?

“A teacher of fear can’t bring peace on Earth. We have been trying to do it that way for thousands of years. The person who turns inner violence around, the person who finds peace inside and lives it, is the one who teaches what true peace is. We are waiting for just one teacher. You’re the one.” ~ Byron Katie 

When I don’t believe something threatening could happen (or ever did) a mystery enters that is brilliant, dark, unknown and very exciting.

I love this moment.

I turn the thought around: nothing threatening is happening.

Wow, what does that feel like?

What if ultimately nothing truly threatening ever happens?

“The Infinite uses all measures in order to awaken in all the various forms in existence. It uses birth, life, death, happiness, sorrow, clarity, and delusion in order to awaken.” ~ Adyashanti

If all that happens is used for awakening, if every form in existence, every feeling, every trait, every delusion, every stressful thought….is for you….

….then wow, nothing to worry about.

Love, Grace

P.S. If you’d like to join a future YOI, let me know. Our retreats are always equinox weekends March and September. Amazing inquiry, amazing people.

 

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The Moment Is Always Benevolent

Soooooo excited about so many people coming from all over the country to spend a weekend together in our Year of Inquiry group. They are here! Arrived in Seattle!

The anticipation! The happiness! Hand-clapping!

Because….I love doing The Work all weekend. There is depth and clarity by staying with the process in a steady, consistent way. Even when we change it up (partners working with each other, group exercises, walking, imagining life in our turnarounds) it’s like we’re saying we love the company of our own minds.

OK, well, maybe that’s getting a bit carried away….because one of the deeper reasons people gather together to inquire is because sometimes, the company of our own minds has NOT been loving.

It’s been downright nuts!

Not long ago, I spent some time with a wonderful inquirer who was looking with anticipation at an upcoming event.

She was going to be seeing an old flame, at a wedding. She was not feeling very happy about it.

He’s going to try to come over and talk with me. He’s going to ask why we broke up again. He’s going to beg, or cause a scene. 

I asked her if she was positive that was true?

She couldn’t know. It was in the future. In fact, she actually couldn’t even REALLY know that he would be there. She just HEARD that he would be.

How did she react when she believed the thought that it would be uncomfortable to see Mr. X out in the world?

Tense, now, in this very moment (3 months, by the way, before the event). A rush of adrenaline pulsing through her. Anxious. Worried.

I remember having the same kinds of thoughts. Someone I hadn’t seen in over 2 years. Big event with many people. Every day I would think about what I might do when I ran into him…and fortunately I had The Work and I would come up with “I don’t know” and wind up chuckling.

I even imagined hugging him and being so happy to see him.

But I know what it’s like when it’s not so funny. When the person you have in mind hurt you. Badly. When things were a mess between you, and you feel unresolved, you feel fear.

So, without forcing yourself to go anywhere, or do anything you might not want to do….who would you be without the belief that the person in question could hurt you? Or cause a scene? Or ask you questions you think you don’t want to answer?

What if you turned it all around and you felt the same kind of anticipation I myself feel about all the wonderful people coming over to inquire together all weekend at our retreat?

Right in this moment now, what if this was possibility, thrill, joy, wonder, and living in an I-Don’t-Know state?

“Anyone in harmony with what is has no past to project as a future, so there’s nothing she expects. Whatever appears is always fresh, brilliant, surprising, obvious and exactly what she needs….For her, everything is new. She has never seen it before. In the innocence of not knowing, in the wisdom of not needing to know, she can see that everything as it appears in the moment is always benevolent.” ~ Byron Katie

Always benevolent.

Even the possibility of “benevolent”….so fun, so exciting.

Maybe you can not only handle that thing that’s going to happen, that person, that test, that evaluation, that encounter, that interview….

….maybe its good, good, good. No matter what the outcome.

Love, Grace

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Do What’s Right For You

When I first started working with people building my own practice as a practitioner of inquiry, offering classes, working with people one-on-one, teaching retreats and workshops….I wanted as much experience as possible.

I worked with anyone who wanted to do The Work.

I offered free sessions. I filled my schedule. I would ask people if they wanted to be a practice client. I would ask people if they’d enjoy participating in a class.

The more doing of it, the more sessions, the more minutes and then hours and weeks added up…..the more confident and clear I became.

Sometimes people now ask me how to build a private practice.

While there are many technical details like websites and connecting with others for marketing, one of the most important things I found is to give your service. Even if you don’t get paid.

But Not Forever.

Because that isn’t a business, that’s a form of personal service at a volunteer level, and not everyone can support their own food, shelter and clothing with no income.

Sometimes, people ask me about scholarship help, trading a service for my work….and I always consider their commitment, their situation, their desire.

I almost never have people who pay nothing at all unless there is a valuable trade we can make. People have awesome things they’ve given me. Beautiful art, handmade pottery, computer design, website help.

There is a feeling within about the exchange that is loving, generous, alive. I had a woman, a beautiful client, who came out of rehab with nothing, almost zero cents to her name, who put together all she could which was $20 per month for the two months she was in one of my classes.

For her, it was a lot. She didn’t miss one single call, she did all the homework, she emailed with questions. She wasn’t messing around.

Not all the exchanges go like that one, though.

I remember a man who kept asking me to attend a live afternoon half-day retreat I offer every quarter or so, where I spend time making preparations for each individual attending, buying materials, food, creating the space.

He would contact me and ask to come for free. I said what would work for you? He said he could afford nothing. Nothing would work for him.

I said how about $5 to cover snacks and materials? He said no, he couldn’t afford it. After another request, I said yes, come for free, no need to pay even $5.

He arrived in a big car, which was his own, and I couldn’t help think that he had to be able to afford the gas to drive to the workshop. And the car.

Even though I had done so much personal inquiry on money…. I experienced a little flare of resentment.

I was no longer suffering with very low income myself, I wasn’t afraid to have a business and charge fees, I received, I gave my all back, I had stopped feeling embarrassed about needing money in the first place.

This stressful thought about this retreat participant was like a mosquito bite. Itchy, annoying.

Here were my stressful thoughts: he doesn’t value what I’m offering enough to pay even $5 for it, he wants something for nothing, he’s scamming me.

Ouch. Time for inquiry.

Is it true, that he doesn’t value what I’m offering? That he wants something for nothing?

I don’t really know. He may have hugely massive stressful beliefs about money, The Work, his own capabilities. It probably has nothing to do with me.

But that one piece of me wondered. It wasn’t satisfied. Worried that it could be true.

So how did I react when I believed that he was not being fair, withholding, feeling scarce, not valuing my expertise, not valuing this work, or that he’s lying about what he can’t afford?

I didn’t feel 100% open to him. I felt a defense, a carefulness. I felt like I was being ripped off, undervalued. I felt puzzled. I felt like I wanted to teach him that you don’t do that to people.

Sigh.

Who would I be without the thought that I know what he’s thinking or valuing, intending or caring about? Or that I need him to value me by giving me money?

Jeez. So ashamed of these thoughts. I’m too greedy. I’m not trusting.

Stop. The question was “who would you be WITHOUT that thought?”

Not “try to get rid of the thought quick because you are a loser when you have it.”

Without the thought, I noticed I loved his participation, his sweet work, his genuine caring for his own life and how he was perceiving him “problems”. I saw how hard he was trying. I had no idea how money fit into all that.

And that didn’t mean I had to say “yes” again.

Turning the thoughts around, I see with clear awareness what was truer in all those moments of questions and answers, saying yes and saying no:

I am not valuing myself in that moment, I don’t value what I’m offering enough to pay even $5 for him, I want something (money) for nothing, I’m scamming myself in that moment because I’m thinking I need to say yes, or no, to be a good person.

Wow.

How can I live the turnaround to value myself?

Value myself. If I have questions, bring them up. Trust the process of honestly sharing. Trust that when someone has nothing to pay, that is so right for them (it was powerful for me, when that was my situation).

As Byron Katie says, I can love them, but it doesn’t mean I have to go to dinner with them, or live with them.

Being absolutely wide open honest, kind, full of love for all the others and for me….all connected.

No one getting left out.

“To think that I know what’s best for anyone else is to be out of my business. Even in the name of love, it is pure arrogance, and the result is tension, anxiety and fear. Do I know what is right for me? That is my only business.” ~ Byron Katie

Money teleclass starting again soon! We get into these kinds of wonderful thoughts. Exciting!

Love, Grace

 

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Is There Something Wrong With You?

One by one I’ve been interviewing all the participants who took my recent 8 week Eating Peace class.

I LOVE getting feedback.

It’s like we’re engaged in a project together to investigate this common and sometimes agonizing experience when the act of eating feels stressful, NOT peaceful.

And I’m learning how to deliver information in a way that is easiest, most direct, clear, supportive.

In the end, the most important thing is, how can I be of greatest service? What works? What induces or inspires freedom, change, an alternative experience, one that is useful?

Of course, there are no guarantees. No way to apply an exact formula. It’s a process, a practice. It’s an un-doing really, not a doing of anything.

Doing Nothing.

I remember how I used to feel when I would have “episodes”. Code word for frantic binges, eating everything in sight and buying more, stuffing food in like I was trying to hide it, in a panic.

Quick! Emergency!

But not everyone has such extreme anxiety or urgent cravings and actions. Some people will buy one candy bar and gulp it down, or continuously return to the cupboard for more raw cashew butter or vegan brownies, grazing off and on all evening.

Sometimes, people sit down with food while watching television and feel semi-conscious of how much is going in their mouth and down their throats.

But for just about everyone….there is a moment in time later on, after the eating, when they have the thought that they must be sick, crazy, failing, missing something, hopeless, lacking any discipline.

A pretty difficult thought to believe: something must be wrong with me. 

Yeah! Look at the evidence. Extra weight. Isolation. If normal weight, then the evidence is this obsessive eating, this obsessivethinking.

Even if you don’t have an issue with food, or it’s very minor and of fairly little concern, you can find where you might have evidence of the possibility of something being wrong with you.

For some people it’s change, loss. Divorce. Illness. Confusion.

Something must be wrong with you. 

Is that true?

Yes.

Why can’t I stop acting or thinking this way?

Can you really know that it’s true though, like for All Time, that doing this thing or being that way MEANS there is something wrong with you?

For me, when I look back at who I was and how I behaved and how I lived…I can find how nothing was inherently wrong with me.

Something was out of balance. I was afraid. I was in a fog. Something wasn’t clear. It seemed like my best choice at the time.

I was believing some really troubling thoughts, and somehow I needed to eat at the time. Because that was what I did. Everyone is doing the best they can with what they’ve got, with what they’re believing, and that includes me. And you.

How did I react when I believed that thought, that something must be wrong with me?

Exhausted. Total despair. A feeling of the lowest energy and like giving up. Sometimes an inner rage, blistering words towards me, towards the whole planet. I’d go off on being in this world sometimes, saying or thinking things like “it’s completely insane!”

For some people, how they react to the thought that something must be wrong with them, is that they eat more, they snap at people, they push, they isolate themselves…..or, they try even harder and put on a fake plastic smile and overwork or take care of others and strive to be better, or take mega workshops.

But who would you be without the thought that the must be something wrong with you?

Especially given what you’ve done?

Realizing that there was something so powerful, important, crucial and fundamental happening in those moments of troubling or shameful behavior, that even if I didn’t understand it all….it was a clue, a gift, of the greatest awareness.

That activity I was doing, that thing I said, that uncomfortable behavior….could that mean that something must be right with me?

What’s a genuine example?

Instead of just going on autopilot that something was wrong, how was it right?

Here’s what I see as right, when I look back: I felt the pain. It helped me move away from the hot stove. I became aware of how terrified I was of other peoples’ anger and my own, and how I’d try to shut it down. I was too afraid of rejection, and didn’t want to ask for help for good reasons. I didn’t know another way, but I began to put energy into whatever it would take. 

I had the mechanism, naturally, that was like a compass telling me which way to go. I could feel it, even if I didn’t consciously grasp it.

And now, years and years later….I also realize that it put me on a trajectory that completely eliminated more minor food obsessy type moments. If I have any criticism of the body, it can barely get any traction.

I do not get involved with the “right” and “wrong” of food. I do not go up and down ten or twenty pounds. I do not have conversations about recipes, I don’t cook because I notice I don’t enjoy it, really, ever (and I don’t oppose it). I am happy with very, very simple food a lot of which turns out to be raw since I dislike cooking. Hilarious.

I have small moments of learning about food, with delight, but it takes just about one tiny percentage of my mental energy.

I have a good friend who also found how something was right with her for her past drinking behavior. She stopped, because it got unmanageable. Non-issue now.

What is right about you for getting divorced, for losing your temper, for being so clingy, for getting sick, for hurting your leg, for losing your job, for feeling like you can’t forgive……

…..for getting a Reality Slap (coined by Russ Harris)?

It waking me up. Eyes wide open awake.

I felt the discord in being a believer of those stressful thoughts.

Yes, something was really right with me. You may find if you even open yourself to this possibility, something inside sparkles.

Not screwed up. Not missing something. Not incapable. Not special. Same as all humans…feeling pain sometimes.

But wait, there’s more.

What if there is no wrong or right with you, nothing to counter or get rid of, nothing to add or find? 

“It is in the absolute surrender of all conditions and requirements that Liberation is discovered to be who and what you are. Then the love and wisdom that flows out of you has a liberating effect on others. The biggest challenge for most spiritual seekers is to surrender their self importance, and see the emptiness of their own personal story. It is your personal story that you need to awaken from in order to be free.To give up being either ignorant or enlightened is the mark of liberation and allows you to treat others as your Self. What I am describing is the birth of true Love.” ~ Adyashanti 

What if There. Is. Nothing. With. You.

Oh, ha ha!

“We all already have everything. We all do. That’s how I can sit here so comfortably.” ~ Byron Katie

If you’re noticing difficulty in your inner world around food and eating, come join the Horrible Food Wonderful Food weekend, the first weekend of April right here in Seattle. Friday night, Saturday and Sunday all day, non-residential. $295.

Please email grace@workwithgrace.com if you have questions. If you want to attend and bring a family member or good friend, the second person is half the fee ($150).

Love, Grace

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Bring On The Bad Stuff

Recently with the Year of Inquiry group we gathered to do some looking at “underlying beliefs” in a conference call.

The definition of Underlying Beliefs is pretty much how it sounds….Beliefs that Lay Underneath. But its worthy of looking a bit to understand what is meant, what’s at play.

“Underlying” in the dictionary means to form a basis or foundation of something. 

A “belief” is defined as an acceptance that something exists or is true. But I once heard a lecture where the speaker said the way she defined a “belief” is a thought that you think over and over again. 

Even if you’re not positive it is 100% true. 

So Underlying Beliefs would be the foundation or basis of other beliefs, and full of core thoughts that you may be thinking over and over again.

Now….the crazy thing is that anyone who spends any time taking a look at their own underlying assumptions or beliefs….starts seeing holes in them. 

Byron Katie speaks of questioning the thoughts that are stressful. Don’t worry about the thoughts that produce happiness, kindness, love, peace, or joy. 

While there are quite a few wonderful exercises to help you identify clearly what your own stressful Underlying Beliefs are….one of my favorites is this simple exercise. This is the one the YOI group (Year of Inquiry) all did together the other day. 

Think of a stressful situation, an exchange you had with someone, an uncomfortable moment in time. See what you don’t like the most. What the person is saying, or doing? What’s going on in the environment? Are you losing something? Are you afraid of losing something?

Now….write down one thought you have about that situation, that you feel is upsetting.

She shouldn’t have said that. I need more money. He’s a liar. She hurt me. I’m too fat. 

As you look at that one concept that you are thinking about, regarding that situation….take a look at what Underlying Beliefs might have to be in place in order to believe this thought.

If someone had this thought, what beliefs would they have to have in place, some assumptions at a very deep level….maybe something that has been repeated for many years, in order to believe this thought?

You can do this without blaming yourself, tearing yourself to shreds, or feeling guilty. This is not about finding your faults, it’s only about research.

My thought: she shouldn’t have said that.

What would I have to believe, in order to be upset by what she said? What does it mean about me? Or about her? Or about life in general?

  • There are dangerous people (and she’s one of them)
  • I need to be careful in this world
  • bad things happen (banishment, betrayal, death, destruction)
  • I could lose friendship, love, approval, appreciation at a moments notice
  • people are unpredictable, they can hurt me

Once you have a concept or thought that appears to be true, or that you’re worried is true (even only sometimes) you can explore more assumptions that you may notice have been in place, maybe since you were a kid.

While they may be frightening, and bring up uncertainty, how amazing to then take these kinds of ancient thoughts, perhaps passed along for generations, to inquiry.For example….Bad Things Happen.

Even just saying it, you may notice images flash through your mind that appear to make this idea true. The mind will say “of course it’s true! Yikes!”

But is it? For real?

Like absolutely without any doubt?

Wait a moment.

Even if you say “yes” do some wondering about it, see if there’s any inkling of uncertainty….

…Because for me, I’ve seen amazing things come from what appears to be tragedy. I also have no idea if death is bad, or relationships that die are bad, or that change is bad, or that struggle is bad, or that destruction is bad.

In fact, some of the most incredible experiences and insights in my life have come from “bad” things happening.“There is no explanation you can give that would explain away all the sufferings and evil and torture and destruction and hunger in the world! You’ll never explain it. You can try gamely with your formulas, religious and otherwise, but you’ll never explain it. Because life is a mystery, which means your thinking mind cannot make sense out of it. For that you’ve got to wake up and then you’ll suddenly realize that reality is not problematic, you are the problem.” ~ Anthony De Mello 

How do I react when I believe that bad things happen? Anxious, protective mode, setting up boundaries, defending myself, eating lots of broccoli, hyper vigilant.

But who would I be without the thought that bad things happen? Even those bad things, yes. This is not denying that there isn’t some huge, gigantic, emotional shift, or that people aren’t completely bonkers sometimes (including moi) or that loss isn’t experienced……..this is not D.E.N.I.A.L. as Debbie Ford used to say “Don’t Even Notice I Am Lying” and thinking everything is roses and unicorns.

In fact, it’s the opposite of lying. It’s seeing and feeling the terror of annihilation, emptiness, loss, endings, apocalypse.

And then imagining who you would be, or what you would be, without the underlying belief that these are bad.

On my kitchen wall, every year my calendar choice has something to do with comics, superheroes, the incredible drawings of many artists. This year because of the LEG SITUATION (had to remind you, since we’re talking about bad things) all the exquisite comic calendars were sold out by the time I got to my favorite store.

I had to get a zombie survival guide calendar instead.

The more I’ve questioned my thinking, the funnier things are that involve total destruction.

Could it be that the rough stuff is not entirely evil, wrong and bad?

Well, so far, I’ve found something encouraging, fascinating, wonderful, curious, insightful, enlightening to come out of every “bad” thing that’s ever happened.

  • after divorce….movement towards viable, amazing career
  • after cancer….inquiry and awareness of love, kindness, do-it-now attitude, surrender, sweet preparation for eventual death
  • after death of friend, father….that person’s qualities in my heart and soul, inside me forever
  • after leg got injured….stunned to realize I don’t need a working body to experience joy….and slowing down
  • after misunderstanding with really close friend….career becoming more successful than ever
  • after losing much of what I owned, money, savings ….discovering my own safety

“Nothing ever goes wrong in life.” ~ Byron Katie

Isn’t what I mostly have wished for….my Underlying Wish….been for happiness, awareness, love, growth, clarity, and freedom?

Oh. Right!

Bring on the “bad” stuff.

Much love, Grace