There are 13 books piled on my bed next to me, some open, some closed with bookmarks, the laptop with a document for notes and then a word document for final curriculum both open, plus another pdf I’ve been reading from a different author.
I’ve been working for 3 hours without really moving. I see emails come in a scan them if they’re quick, and reply.
My daughter comes into the house and calls “Hi mom!” and I exit the bedroom, needing a stretch break. She brings in the mail…more items to take care of.
I’m thinking….quick quick quick. I’ll get back there in a few minutes and get somewhere, continue.
Oh, and dishes. And laundry and more Holds to pick up from the library that I NEED (these things I happen to need help with right now due to crutches situation) and some necessary groceries.
The ticker tape spins. Just a little too fast now.
You know that To-Do Voice that sees what needs to get done and then realizes with fury that it can not be done, will not get done. I may have to drop what I’m working on and get to the other thing.
Quick, you only have 1 hour 45 minutes until the next class!!
Hiya! Hiya!!!! (That’s supposed to be the sound of a rider with a whip trying to get his horse to go As Fast As Possible.)
Stop.
Is it true that there is too much, and it will never get done, and that I neeeeeeeeeeed to get it done, and that there’s not enough time, and, and, and….?
No.
How do I react when I believe that thought?
The feeling inside is frantic buzzing across the chest and in the throat. Not breathing deeply. Mad. Ignoring other interests. Sort of irritable with the phone ringing.
Stop.
Who would I be without the thought that something needs to happen here that hasn’t happened yet? That something needs to get done?
Without any thought of this at all. Like I’m visiting from another planet….and my space ship leave in 1 hour 45 minutes. I’m here to look around.
Nothing to Get Done.
Nothing to complete, wrap up, finish, push, force.
I turn the thoughts around: I do NOT need to keep going, or get this done. I have unlimited time.
Almost unbelievable. But this is playing in duality, leaning over into the opposite of the way my mind is running.
Yes. I can drop whatever task it is that I am attached to. I can move with the flow. Relax.
“There’s no merit gained through wasted effort, through excess struggle. There are no merit points for the people who drove themselves the craziest along the way to self-realization. For most people it’s so obscure that it seems very intuitive to grasp and to struggle instead of relaxing, not grasping, letting something come to you, letting the truth of your being reveal itself to you on its terms, in its way, letting it happen…..It will happen. It’s always happening. It’s always trying to show itself.” ~ Adyashanti
Relaxing, not grasping, letting it come to me?
Letting the day, the pace of all this, this person here now, noticing a clock, and time, and tasks….letting it all be the way it is. Nothing required.
Taking a very deep breath. Hearing my daughter pick up the ukelele and sing.
“There’s a perfect order running. I’m a lover of what is. Who would I be without my story? Without my story, in this very moment, is where God and I are one. There’s no separation, no decision or fear in it. It just knows. And that’s who we are without our plans.” ~ Byron Katie
Love, Grace