Tag: Byron Katie

Posted on

I Need Him To Feel OK

A very stressful belief, held by many at various moments on the planet, is the concept “I need that person to feel OK.”

Boy howdy, that’s a juicy, sometimes wildly painful belief.

Our Tuesday YOI (Year of Inquiry) Group examined this thought together this morning.

Wow, awesome.

There is your friend, your mom, your dad, your boyfriend, your wife, your child, your client…..and they are depressed, weeping, lying in a hospital bed, in turmoil over a loss, they are worried, angry, nervous, upset, they just got emotionally hurt.

There’s an urge to rush in, assist.

It really does seem like it would be better if that person felt OK, felt good, felt content, felt open.

Questioning this belief does not mean you are cruel, cold, or uncaring.

In fact, without this belief, you may find that you are more genuinely caring than you ever realized…but let’s take a look.

First, are you positive that you need that person to feel good, better, different than they feel in order for you to be happy?

Can you absolutely know that it’s true that if he, she, it, they felt OK you’d be better off?

The fear that enters the body and mind when a loved one gets hurt, let’s say pretty badly, can be infused with this belief.

Maybe their feelings are hurt, maybe their body is hurt…this is noticing the anxiety, panic, anger, and your own hurt that becomes present, sometimes almost simultaneously, when you learn that this person you love is hurt.

So how do you react when you believe that thought, that this situation would be better if they were OK?
When I believe this thought, I am going to find out what will resolve their “hurt” and stay on the job until I find the answer. I call them. I think about them. I read books about their condition and nod. I rush in.
I come to the rescue.
I think thoughts like “he really needs to….” or “she should get help from….”
In the past, I had a great friend who had a major huge mega-watt amount of anxiety. His story, or my story, was that he had a rough life.
How did I react when I believed that I needed him to feel OK?
First, I tried to rescue.
Then, I ditched him. I believed I couldn’t take it anymore. I quit!
But who would you be without the belief that this person needs to be OK? That they are NOT OK, even with whatever is going on?
“My beloved sister is dying of cancer now, and she is in the very painful last stages of agony. Watching my sister’s husband watch his wife in such dreadful pain would be agonizing, if not for the enlightened mind, the questioned awake-to-love mind….
 
…..Oh, how I love her, and how opposite of helpless I am. I am the power of love, and there is nothing more powerful than that as I find myself sobbing with her. Who would think that love is that grateful, that deep, that overwhelming, and tear-filled! As I sob, the joy within, the joy that is born out of my love, blind in its clarity, runs deeper than any sadness could ever begin to, and it is allowed to live at its depth, a state that fear is too shallow to explore and must always fall short in its emotion to express.” ~ Byron Katie
Without the belief that other people need to be OK in order for me to be happy…
…I am free to love, express, breathe, connect, be honest, authentic, caring, overwhelmed, untethered, real, genuine….and stay or go.
I turn the thought around that I need him to be OK, I need her to be OK.
I don’t actually need that. I am living this life over here, in this body, apparently.
I can see advantages, even, to that person not being OK as I look at them:
  • they are encountering their own fear and growing stronger through it
  • they are capable of getting through this
  • they are learning about life
  • they are freer
  • they are experiencing something profound
  • they are changing
  • they are dying (or some part of them is dying) and therefore on their way to a new dimension, new life…
And while that person is not OK, I can turn that whole entire list around to myself and find the incredible gift in that person appearing as they appear in my life:
  • I am encountering my own fear and growing stronger through it
  • I am capable of getting through this (their pain, my pain)
  • I am learning about life
  • I am freer
  • I am experiencing something profound
  • I am changing
  • I am dying (my stories or otherwise) and therefore on my way to a new dimension
“The ego creates stories to convince you that you cannot be at peace NOW, you cannot be fully yourself NOW.” ~ Eckhart Tolle  
How might you be when you are with those sweet, amazing, suffering people if you knew they were actually OK?
Much Love, Grace
Posted on

Mentioning The Unmentionable

I’m switching the Our Wonderful Sexuality to 5:15-6:45 pm on Mondays, starting October 21st, since many of you are interested but couldn’t take the class at the 8 am Pacific time.

Speaking of sexuality…..eewww.

Do we have to?

It’s quite startling how this topic, which touches everyone alive really, has a sort-of weird undercover secretive cloud hanging over it.

At least for me, growing up we weren’t really supposed to talk about it. You weren’t supposed to ask too many questions or share too many stories.

The unmentionable subject.

Even though everyone’s interested in it.

Sexuality is a vulnerable, intimate life experience with a huge variety of norms and interests and attractions or repulsions for humans.

When it feels like freedom, there is usually very little stress involved…..the feeling inside is comfortable, perhaps thrilled, positive, genuine, creative, safe, joyful and loving.

But often, there are indeed stressful thoughts.

When I began dating after fifteen years in a monogamous relationship, many thoughts and feelings that had existed below the surface (or that I stuffed under the surface) came exploding out into the light of day.

Just meeting with someone for a date seemed to create fear…but also excitement, anticipation and eagerness for connection.

But what was that fear part?

The way to put words to the fear, and see it more clearly, is to identify a painful situation, a difficult or troubling moment, that you have actually experienced.

No, this does not have to be rape, incest, violence, affairs…..although if you’ve had these kinds of experiences, they are amazing situations for questioning your beliefs, and your inquiry can open you to your present power.

The situation you may notice discomfort around, that involves sexuality or sexual contact or implying something sexual, may be something completely low key, small, a minor communication or even a “look” from someone.

That’s your situation. You may have many. Pick just one.

I remember noticing a man who to me was very attractive. I knew he was going to be at a birthday party I was attending. I didn’t know him very well.

At the party, right when I arrived, he looked super happy and dropped his current conversation, took my hand as I approached, put his hand on my back, and led me to a far corner of the room.

This was great at first. But then some comments arose in the conversation. The whole connection became sort of, well, CRAZY STRESSFUL for me.

  • he is pushing too hard for sex in this conversation
  • he wants sex NOW, like, wherever it could happen, immediately
  • he’s creepy
  • I need to escape
  • I can’t trust my attractions, this man is a jerk (rats)
  • there’s a lot more to life than sex, but he seems to think it’s Number 1
  • he wouldn’t be talking with me if he wasn’t attracted to me, so he cares only about the sexual attraction
  • he’s too aggressive, demanding, wants too much, too quickly

Similar kinds of thoughts can enter into a long-term relationship with someone you care about, know well, or even live with….maybe with more subtle language or different wording.

Maybe your stressful thoughts are around being bored, doing the same thing all the time, feeling unsatisfied, wanting more, different, better, less.

Or right in the middle of a sexual encounter…maybe your thoughts are full of what should or shouldn’t be happening, what you long for, what you miss, or what just happened a split second ago that you didn’t like.

Once you identify these thoughts, you can take them to inquiry.

I loved having a facilitator who I was so comfortable with when I started doing The Work very earnestly, I knew she didn’t reject me for having such thoughts….or for using words that described sexual body parts or sexual terms like “orgasm”.

OK, I said it.

Let’s do The Work.

Is it true that it’s embarrassing, shameful, or weird to talk about sexual encounters with people?

Yeah! Of course it’s embarrassing! This is private, personal information!

Are you positive that speaking of your ideas, concerns and feelings about sexuality it is worthy of shame?

And is what you are concerned about actually true?

Damn straight it’s true!

He IS too aggressive, he IS making too many sexual comments.

Is it absolutely true? Beyond a shadow of a doubt?

No. I actually don’t really know. I haven’t asked what he means, or what he wants, or what he’s thinking. At all.

When I believe all the thoughts I think, and then also, think it’s wrong to bring them up (or dangerous) then I’m trapped in a loop.

VERY STRESSFUL.

Who would you be without the thoughts that you should be ashamed of yourself? Or that he is being too pushy, or that you need to escape?

I’m no longer frozen. I say “this is not really doing it for me, I don’t feel comfortable…when you just said that, did that, looked that way, I felt afraid.”

Without the belief that I shouldn’t talk about sexuality, I talk about it.

I look at the turnarounds, oh boy:

  • I am pushing too hard for no-sex in this conversation
  • I want connection NOW, like, wherever it could happen, immediately on MY TERMS
  • I’m creepy – I have my demand, secret desires, beliefs, wants that I’m not sharing and I’m also super judgmental
  • I need to stay right here and be truthful
  • I can trust my attractions, this man is interesting, and my attractions morph and change
  • there’s a lot more to life than sex, but I seem to think it’s Number 1
  • I wouldn’t be talking with him if I wasn’t attracted to him, so I care only about the sexual attraction
  • I’m too aggressive, demanding, want too much, too quickly – yes, look how I boss him around in my mind with my expectations

“Until you can see the enemy as a friend, your Work is not done.This doesn’t mean that you have to invite him to dinner. Friendship is an internal experience. You may never see him again, you may even divorce him, but as you think about him, are you feeling stress or peace?” ~ Byron Katie

When I begin to speak up, say what I think, ask questions when I have them, say what I’m assuming, ask for what I want….

…in the spirit of love and kindness, laughter arises.

And great freedom.

No need to defend, protect myself, worry.

Even in this sensitive topic of sexuality….fun, play, ease.

Join the class in October if you’d like to examine some of the little (or big) stressful thoughts about sexual expression, an important sexual relationship you’re in, or past uncomfortable experiences.

“Love becomes a source of suffering when the transcendental is missing. How does the transcendent come in? By being spacious with the other. Which essentially means that you access the Stillness in yourself while you look at the other.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

Much Love, Grace

Posted on

Buyers Remorse Tornado

Yesterday someone very close to me….OK, my husband…asked me a question.

You would have thought I just heard a radio alert that a tornado has just destroyed downtown Seattle and its now headed straight for our neighborhood!!!

It was 10 pm and we had just turned the light out to go to sleep.

“I heard you bought Ben shoes today that cost $153. What made you decide to buy such expensive shoes for him?”

I quickly replied, “He really liked them, I think these are the nicest and best-made shoes he’s ever had. His feet are not growing anymore. I think it’s OK..”

My voice was very calm and normal, casual like no-big deal, here’s my answer and yeah, I’m happy with that choice.

Heh heh.

Literally 2 minutes later he was asleep.

But there’s a tornado careening towards the neighborhood, remember?

BUYER’S REMORSE!!

It’s called Instant Stress In A Cup, kinda like pouring boiling hot water on a cup of noodles for Instant Lunch. I was BOILING in stressful thinking!

  • he’s questioning my purchases for my son!
  • he thinks I spent too much
  • I shouldn’t have spent it–I should keep my money
  • he said “such expensive” and that means he thinks I’m wildly extravagant
  • he’s got scarcity mentality
  • I shouldn’t have gotten married last year (yes, I thought this)
  • this whole united on paper marriage situation is dangerous!

After 15 minutes of planning out how I could quickly get divorced, on paper, and stop the tornado from coming….

…I got up! Adrenaline is difficult to mix with sleep, I’ve noticed.

I went into my son’s room, where he was happily enjoying his last days of computer time before leaving for college.

I said “do you really like those shoes? I’m worried about how expensive they were. And you still need running shoes….maybe if we took them back and switched to two pairs for the same amount of dollars?”

(hand-wringing, hand-wringing).

He assured me that he loved them, they are the nicest shoes he’s ever owned, and he’ll buy his own running shoes. He is 19 after all.

We were laughing, soon, as I confessed I’m a worry-nut and also said how much I LOVED buying him those shoes.

And also how deeply grateful that I can even afford them, since only four years ago, it was out of the question.

I went back to bed and fell asleep.

In the morning I did The Work.

Now that I was all reassured with the purchase, I noticed many thoughts still running through my mind.

He shouldn’t say anything about what I spend my money on! It’s MINE! Good shoes are hard to find! And they weren’t $153 they were $140 plus tax! Single is better than married!

Justify Justify Defend How Dare You Justify Defend Justify I Have My Rights!!

Really? 

Um, well, no. This not an emergency.

And no, he only asked a simple question, he didn’t even have a “tone”. And no, I have no idea that something terrible will happen if he did indeed disapprove of my purchase.

I don’t actually know that he DOES disapprove, come to think of it.

With the thought?  Good lord. It’s a wild drama. I’m looking for the safest course of action. I’m thinking about the future, the past, emergencies and people having opinions of my actions around money.

There might not be enough! If this keeps up, I’ll lose everything!

With the thought, I’m not looking at myself, I’m looking at him. I’m not looking at my own freaky scarcity orientation in that moment. That I shouldn’t spend unnecessary money, I need to hold on to it, store it.

Believing all those stressful thoughts, I’m worried about ME being a BAD CHOOSER. I’m really afraid that I can’t trust myself and I don’t make good decisions.

So who would I be without the thought, in that moment just a split second after my husband asked his question….without the thought that I’ve made a mistake, I’ve spent too much money, I’ve done it wrong?

I’d hear his powerful question, even if he DID have a tone.

I’d check in with ME to see if it feels right. I’d feel free to say yes or no when buying something for my kids, with ease.

An experiment in noticing fear, anxiety, making trades, flowing money into other places, watching my assumptions, allowing myself to be me, handing over money to someone else.

I turn it all around:

  • I am questioning my purchases for my son! Yikes!
  • I think I spent too much
  • I should have spent it—I shouldn’t keep “my” money
  • “such expensive” means I think I’m wildly extravagant
  • I’ve got scarcity mentality – yes, I’m ready to draw lines and boundaries about this money that I apparently believe is mine
  • I should have gotten married last year, it’s beautiful
  • this whole united on paper marriage situation is safe

I see the happiness on my son’s face and in his words, and I delight in that.

Yes, we could return the shoes. But that doesn’t seem necessary now, even though that is a wonderful option sometimes.

“Happiness is the freedom to be as we are, however we are; richer or poorer, in sickness or in health, gaining or losing, succeeding or failing, wanting or not wanting, approving or not approving, forever. Happy is what we are and what we’ll be if we don’t believe we are wrong to be as we are.” ~ Bruce DiMarsico

Now is another moment, now I have enough money. Now, I take a very deep breath.

Now, I speak to my husband and tell him my reaction last night and he says “wow, amazing mind!” and I find out he wasn’t concerned.

“It helps greatly to see that being lost at times is all part of the dance and that nothing is really an enemy, a distraction or a failure. The light and the dark go together as one seamless happening.” ~ Joan Tollifson

Turns out there was only the THOUGHT of a tornado.

And now, a slower gentleness inside about buying things….appreciating that gorgeous store where the shoes came from that I hadn’t been inside of for probably ten years, noticing how fun it is to thrift shop, looking at beliefs about acquiring, paying for things.

“Is money the problem, or is what they [you] were believing about money the problem? Money is absolutely innocent. Money never gave anyone one problem. It just sits there…..from parents to money, all innocent.” ~ Byron Katie

Much Love, Grace

Posted on

Not Having Enough Time and What To Do About It

The YOI Group is full. However, today at 8 am Pacific Time there is room for one more person to join the 8 week teleclass (you only need a phone, but you can use skype for free). Click here to register. Send me an email if you have questions: grace@workwithgrace.com.

If you miss the first class, you can listen to the recording and catch up.

****

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, a stressful thought appeared.

I don’t have enough time. 

Now, I do realize that I’ve written about that mysterious, captivating, desirable entity before….called TIME.

But this is just a slightly different stressful thought we’re investigating today: “I don’t have enough” as opposed to “I need more”.

In our wonderful YOI 1 group currently underway, we are in month four…and our topic this month is Everyday Complaints.

We were all finding ourselves extremely funny, laughing as we shared the awareness of the constant stream of thoughts about things like Other Slow People at the shopping center.

Several members of the group noticed the complaint about time.

Dang it!!! Did you have to bring that up again?!

It seems like there’s a limited amount of time. And I have enough creations, adventures, people to meet, people to hang out with, experiences to have, things to finish…that require ten or fifty times the quantity of time than is actually available.

We’ll also sometimes have periods in our lives where we say: “there is too much time on our hands” or “too much time spent on x”.

Two sides of the same coin. Too much or not enough.

Too much time spent on the mundane, errand-running, survival tasks like acquiring food, taking care of the house, doing laundry.

Not enough time spent on spiritual awareness, meditation, learning, making money, intimacy with others.

The mind just loves to compare and contrast, or so it seems. (I can hear the narrative teacher voice for a school essay; “Shakespeare and Proust: Compare and Contrast”).

Flashes of what you need more time for, or less time spent doing, will speed through the mind, showing images as if from a deck of cards.

Look! Vacations! Retreats! Laughing! Fun! Happiness! Good times!

Look! Toil! Work! Boredom! Loss! Sadness! Bad times!

Are you sure you don’t have enough time though?

No. No idea really.

If you said yes, then ask yourself if you are absolutely positive that you don’t have enough?

How do you react when you believe that it’s obvious that you don’t have enough time?!

I personally feel all worked up. I’m running, on the inside. Heart beat is raised. I might even start getting freaked out.

I certainly remember this feeling, although I must admit I haven’t had it in quite awhile (but I’m willing)!

With the thought that I absolutely need more time for something, I’m almost panicked. I’m angry. I might snap at other people.

Outta my way! 

My whole mission, with that thought, is to grab as much as possible before the timer runs out. It’s a contest.

Me against the universal law of time. Me against What Is.

Ouchy. Life is not fun in those moments.

So who would you be without the thought that you do not have enough time?

I LOVE not having this belief!

So exciting! Whatever is right here, what has been, what is to come, is all surrounded and contained in Enough Time.

Can you imagine?

Nothing missing, nothing that should have happened, nothing that didn’t happen.

Nothing undone, nothing ended that shouldn’t have ended. Nothing spent that shouldn’t have been spent doing just that.

It’s a weird and wonderful state…very different from the other way of thinking, it seems.

Enough time with my dad? (but, he died so long ago)! Enough time to finish the dishes? (but, they’ll be here in 5 minutes)! Enough time to mail that paperwork? (but, it takes 5 days to get there)!

Yes!

How very, very exciting!

“This may not be empowering spiritual teachings….but everything has its time, everything has its place. The ego is not in control of what’s happening. Life is in control of what’s happening.” ~ Adyashanti

What is it like to let go entirely of the grip of feeling better when the tasks get done, when the journey isn’t finished and you thought you wanted to be there by now, when the accomplishment isn’t made yet?

You’d be here, now, enjoying this present situation and opening to the orientation that all is very well, whatever is finished or unfinished.

“Everything happens at exactly the right moment, neither too soon nor too late. You don’t have to like it… it’s just easier if you do.” ~ Byron Katie

This includes picking up your kid, driving your other kid to the music lesson, signing the permission slip, remembering to transfer money from savings to checking, getting married, replying to the long email, washing the car, getting divorced, turning 50, saying goodbye to your best friend, waking up…..

……dying.

Love, Grace

Click Here to read about or register for the 8 week teleclass Turning Relationship Hell to Heaven. Room for one last person on Thursday mornings 8 am 9/12-11/7 (no class 10/10).

YOI 2 is full. Next one starts in January 2014!

Posted on

Free Calls on 9/5 The Work of Byron Katie With Grace

Only two weeks until two wonderful programs start!

Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven 8 week group, and A Year of Inquiry Thinking Recovery Program from 9/2013 to 8/2014.

I’ve had so many questions about the upcoming two classes that begin on 9/12 that today I’ve decided to offer two free Group Inquiry calls scheduled for Thursday, September 5th.

The first free call will be at 8:00 – 9:30 am Pacific time (the same time as the 8 week Relationship Hell To Heaven Class) and the second free call will be 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific Time (the same time as the Year Of Inquiry YOI Group).

Everyone is welcome.

You do not have to be thinking of joining the Relationships 8 week teleseminar OR the One Year of Inquiry Group (YOI), but the group call will give you a good sense of what it’s like, in case you are considering it.

YES, you can enjoy this call even if you know you can’t join the 8 week class or the YOI group.

This is your chance to set aside 90 minutes (there is no fee) and see what happens as you question a stressful thought with a group.

You can be brand new to The Work, or really familiar with The Work.

This work is for everyone…everyone interested in understanding and dissolving their experience of suffering.

The conference call can accommodate 25 people live on the line, to participate, ask questions, or just be there. There is also room for 100 people to listen via their computer by clicking on the link below, instead of dialing-in live.

If you know you’d like to be there, but don’t feel the need to participate by voice, then join the call via your computer by clicking the link, and listen there.

Then we’ll have room for everyone! (other calls have always had more than 25 folks wanting to join).

We will start with a short introduction, and then pick a stressful thought that is common and troubling, and everyone can move through inquiry whether you speak out loud or not.

The power of the group, the support, the slowing down of the mind by walking through this together can be phenomenal. This is a time to nurture yourself, and be in meditation.

The silence and awareness possible can bring something different and sacred to what you can do all by yourself, if you notice you’ve been stuck or repeating the same old stories.

At the end we will have some Q and A time for anyone interested in finding out more about YOI (Year of Inquiry) or the teleclass Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven (both start 9/12) or any other upcoming teleclasses or mini-retreats starting this fall.

Here is the information to tuck away and save for September 5th:

Title: Free Group Teleclass in The Work of Byron Katie PLUS Q and A
Time: Thursday, September 5th at 8:00 am and at 5:15pm Pacific
Listening method: Phone + Web Simulcast
Phone number: (206) 402-0100
PIN Code: 305799# 
 
To attend the 8:00 am session by computer, please visit:

To attend the 5:00 pm session by computer, please visit:

Love, Grace

P.S. The classes both have room for a few more, but they are filling fast. They may be full by the time the free calls come around, so no guarantee of a spot. However, there’s always more Guided Group Inquiry in the future 🙂

 

Posted on

FAB Programs Around The Corner

A little biz-announcements day, with some *inspire* thrown in. Many questions on upcoming programs and events, so posting it everywhere! Here are some answers:

1) Breitenbush at the end of June is filling, actually quite nearly full! Early-bird discount $295 for tuition ends May 15th, will rise to $350 after that. Please see my fabulous and wonderful co-facilitator’s piece about Breitenbush by going to www.oasislifedesign.com. You are in for a treat, working with her, the lovely Susan Grace Beekman.

Susan and I love working together to bring you a safe and sacred place to inquire into the fear, imperfections, and vulnerability of the body. People are coming from all around the country, June 26 – June 30. We can’t wait to meet you.

2) A Year of Inquiry For The Addictive Mind! Wow! This begins in only one month. Our small group will work together all year, mostly on the phone, and twice in person in fabulous Seattle (if you’re able). This is especially good for people who know the shift that can happen with inquiry, but just don’t seem to get around to it. This is for people ready for the dive and to keep steady with it through every season.

Of course, you do not have to be an “addict” to participate….just someone who notices that your thinking is repetitive, compulsive, over-bearing, escapist, or downright mean. And that you can’t seem to stop.

Gosh…sounds like the description of “addictive” to me. And yes, many people notice that their thought patterns repeat themselves over and over, trying to sort out LIFE.

A few important notes about the One Year Program:

  • Yes, you can make payments (flexibility is priority)
  • Yes, you can attend without coming to Seattle, USA for the two in-person retreats
  • Yes, there may be some input for when the telegroups meet…We are currently set for 8:00 – 9:30 am Pacific Daylight Time, which is 11 am Eastern, 4 pm UK, 11 pm Australia.

3) May 18th mini-retreat in Seattle. Four hours of solid inquiry. Earn four CEUs if you need them for your practice or profession. 1:30 – 5:30 pm Saturday afternoon. $70.

I will be traveling May 20 – June 7 to Bali with my dear husband. Upon return, I will have a few openings for individual clients (8 sessions or more are discounted). See Solo Sessions page on my website www.workwithgrace.com.

BTW, I will be looking at retreat venues in Bali, especially for couples or people wanting to do the work on exiting or entering relationship. Couples and Singles will be welcome. This will happen next year…stay tuned.

I am here to serve awareness, awakening, truth, and love. Thank you for being here with me on this adventure.

If you have questions, comments, or wishes…write me. Join me in enlightening our way to freedom from the dark, upsetting, painful beliefs that sometimes dominate our lives.

“The mark of a moderate man is freedom from his own ideas. Tolerant like the sky, all-pervading like sunlight, firm like a mountain, supple like a tree in the wind, he has no destination in view and makes use of anything life happens to bring his way. Nothing is impossible for him. Because he has let go, he can care for the people’s welfare as a mother cares for her child.”~Tao Te Ching #59

Much love,
Grace

Posted on

Inquiry Changes The World

There is nothing more intriguing and wonderful for me than spending time doing inquiry. The shifts and changes have been profound….my life is changed.

That’s a big statement…..“my life is changed by self-inquiry”.

For me to think this is true, there has to be a memory of what my life was like, what happened when I first began to inquire and learn to sit with myself…and then what life is like now.

It seems true my life is deeply changed.

Something happened…..and the time between fretting or making sweeping decisions or engaging in self-harm or being confused is a fraction of what it once was.

I argue with what is far less. I am not against what is happening much of the time.

There seems to be this mind that gets worked up sometimes, busy busy busy. Anxious, analyzing, worried, stressed, tired, angry, determined, fearful.

It got more like that after age 10 or so. Before that, life is sort of foggy and sweet. I remember major events, but I wasn’t an anxious mess. Some really troubling things happened, but then they passed and life kept going.

Somewhere into puberty the world and my thoughts became much more vivid. Like technicolor. More alert, intense, and more full of really big questions.

As more questions entered my awareness, more assumptions did too, based on experiences. Almost like the mind is filling in answers. Like something’s going on and there’s a voice saying“You want to know the meaning of life? Go find out, grasshopper! Look around!” 

I was looking around and sometimes I really loved what I saw and sometimes I thought this place was a loony bin, or worse….quite dreadful. A horror show.

The world was beginning to look pretty scary. Bad stuff seemed to happen. People got very upset. People died or left. Wars broke out. Tsunamis occurred. People did mean things to other people, really confusing, terrible things.

The agony of looking at the world and seeing a frightening vista will inspire just about anyone to understand better, to seek freedom, to end the suffering.

Reading great spiritual works seemed like the first place to go, starting in my late teens.

And then various therapies, groups, workshops, conversations, graduate school, training.

Self-inquiry, that is, asking oneself questions about how you operate, what’s going on, why you’re responding, what you’re thinking or feeling…what a fantastic breath of fresh air, a slowness, making things simple.

One of my favorite authors and teachers, for years and years, is Geneen Roth. She had the eating issue I did….and learned to ask herself what the heck was going on and study the answers, study the patterns.

She wanted to know.

I realized at some point that I wanted to know….more than I wanted the issues and stress and pain to stop, I wanted to “get” what this was all about.

Wanting to know the answers, to explore and investigate, makes all the difference.

The difference between doing something soothing, so that you feel temporarily better, and wanting to know the truth for yourself.

The truth is so dang interesting, so amazing, so satisfying. So rich, varied, full, revealing.

And automatically, I found that when I questioned what I was believing, the world opened up and things became lighter, more wild and free. And do did I.

“Of this I am certain….something happens every time I stop fighting with the way things are. Something happens to every one of my students when they stop running their familiar programs about fear and deficiency and emptiness. I don’t know what to call this turn of events or the freshness that follows it but I know what it feels like. It feels like relief. It feels like infinite goodness. Like a distillation of every sweet fragrance, every heart-stopping beauty, every haunting melody you’ve ever heard. It feels like the essence of tenderness, joy, peace…like love itself.”~ Geneen Roth

I know that when I look head-on at a troubling situation, and wonder about my response to it, and how it happened, and what role I played….my heart is full of compassion, I see the essence of love in everyone involved, I feel accepting.

The world is so friendly these days, I can hardly contain my happiness about it. A quiet, simple happiness without anxiety. I feel like clapping my hands!

I don’t know what This (the world) is all about. I really don’t know what its for, or how it got made. I don’t have sophisticated answers…the questions all still hang out and are still here.

But there is such a profound peace, it really is a feeling of peace beyond all belief.

Until I believe something difficult and then I get to have my little reaction, and then inquire and look. So fun.

“A thought is harmless unless we believe it. It’s not our thoughts, but our  attachment to our thoughts, that causes suffering. Attaching to a thought means believing that it’s true, without inquiring. A belief is a thought that we’ve been attaching to, often for years.” ~Byron Katie

Who knew that unhooking attachment to my ways of thinking could change my life, could change the world as I see it.

Much love, Grace

Posted on

The Upside of Death

Many people wrote me yesterday to ask details about the Death Class. Several requests for evening led me to schedule it for Thursdays starting March 7 – April 11, 2013 from 6:15 – 7:45 pm Pacific time. Click HERE to register for it.

I am also having fun calling it the Death Class (and don’t worry, we will talk about Pain and Sickness as well!). But it sure makes me laugh to say that I’m teaching a Death Class.

Bringing humor to death and dying has been something we humans have brought to existence throughout the ages, especially since writing, books, theater and poetry.

Maybe even cave men joked around about death. Ug and Thug pretending they fell off a cliff or got gored by a rhino, rolling around laughing.

We will all say that Death and Dying are so serious….and yet, it’s quite amazing to find that often, there are sparks of laughter in the middle of the “end” of someone’s life.

Many years ago, my father was at the end of his. His four daughters, and all of our boyfriends or new husbands at the time, my mother, and my father’s best friend, had all been keeping vigil in my parent’s bedroom for several days.

The last round of chemo in the hospital had come to an end. There was no other possible treatment. It was over. They had sent my father home to die.

My childhood house was filled with people bringing over food. A priest came and gathered for awhile with my sisters and I in our parent’s home, where we all had grown up.

One of my father’s dearest friends called him from Africa. Another flew from across the country to visit my dad for 2 hours, dressed in a business suit, and then returned to the airport to fly away again.

And then came the actual Last Day of my father’s life on the planet.

The people he really loved and cherished were all surrounding him. My mother shared photo albums from their wedding, everyone was in their (fortunately) very large bedroom sitting in chairs, lying on the floor, lying on my parents big bed.

We sang lullabies as we listened to my father breathe. He lay on a special hospital-type bed. The day was a very dark November afternoon with drizzling gray skies outside.

All afternoon we talked in hushed voices about all kinds of things, stretched our stiff necks, went to the bathroom, or would go sit by my father’s bed. Maybe someone would cry softly and we would sit with our arms around each other for a minute.

As all the light faded and darkness came, someone lit more candles. The door opened and closed and people placed a tray of sandwiches on my parent’s dresser.

And then the breathing stopped.

Suddenly, everyone sat up on alert. Everyone who was more than 2 feet away came to my father’s side. We all gathered close and touched him, his shoulders, arms, legs, feet.

We looked at each other, holding our own breath. My mother uttered a cry of great grief. We all began to weep.

And then my father took another breath.

Every single person in that room suddenly burst out laughing. There were no words, there were tears and laughing, and laughing….

And then listening, and waiting, and a long, long pause…

All the laughter fading to a hush, and then listening, and silence, silence.

And then we all knew, simultaneously, that really WAS the last breath, that last one.

And THEN the tears flowed and everyone sobbed. My forehead was resting on my father’s arm and I was holding his hand with my own, and I felt it grow cold. As I cried, I was amazed with this recognition of something I had heard about, the body having no more heat.

And strangely, that laughter did not feel very different from the grief that poured out. At all.

All of it felt like the truth, like love.

“The Tao is like the Great Mother: empty yet inexhaustible, it gives birth to infinite worlds. It is always present within you. You can use it any way you want.”~Tao Te Ching #6

We’re all in the Death Class. Amazing and Beautiful, containing the funniest and the most serious of it all.

Love, Grace

Learn About Teleclasses Here 

Click here to register for the Pain, Sickness and Death Class!

  • Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Mondays, February 4-April 1, 2013, 7:30 – 9:00 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. No class March 4th.
  • Pain, Sickness and Death: Making Friends With The Worst That Happens In Life. Thursdays, March 7 – April 11, 2013. 6:15 – 7:45 pm. 6 weeks $295. 
  • Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven: Working With Painful Hate, Anger, Fury, Despair, Grief, or Disappointment With Someone You Know; Spouse, Mother, Sibling, Father, Daughter, Son, Boss, Neighbor, Friend. Fridays, March 29-May 17, 2013 8:00 am – 9:30 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.     
Posted on

Oh Goody! It’s Pain, Sickness and Death

It’s here, it’s here! The teleclass on Pain, Sickness and Death!!!

Kind of funny thing to announce with exclamation points, right?

We humans make a lot of jokes about death, getting old, getting sick, and going through very tough physical pain. We often joke about it because it’s so uncomfortable, so serious, and so incredibly difficult.

These things seem threatening. For real!

Feeling acute pain or chronic pain that doesn’t seem to end….having your best friend get terminal cancer…a child dying unexpectedly, or a parent…facing your own imminent death…

These are the experiences encountered in life that can bring the greatest suffering.

With great loss or shock, disease or physical difficulty, many of us think we can’t get through it….like it will actually be so painful emotionally that our lives will be ruined.

I once met a woman who had three boys who were all killed. I had the thought “how could she live through that?” 

But of course, we do live through the deaths of people who are very close to us. There this woman was, right in front of me, living beyond her three sons.

Just THINKING about pain, sickness and death can produce the feelings of horror, or dread. Nothing has even happened yet, and we’re freaking out because of the pictures in our minds.

Turning and facing to look at all this, head-on, is not always pleasant. But sometimes, when the anxiety gets too strong, there’s no other way to go except to dive into the biggest fear.

As it turns out, when you look at the process of being human on this planet, it is not truethat parents should die before their children. It is not true that people shouldn’t get cancer. It is not true that people shouldn’t get in car accidents. It is not true that people shouldn’t have terrible pain in some area of their body day after day.

Because those things happen. All the time.

I figure, as Byron Katie has suggested all these years, you can either argue with What Is and suffer, or question your thinking.

How could that terrible horrible worst thing happening actually be OK? How can I accept it? How can I be comfortable with it? How can I stop worrying?

I have found that the way to stop worrying and being so upset…is to find out what I’m most afraid of, most against, and bring it to self-inquiry.

  • It’s sad that I have a limited time on the planet
  • Getting cancer is terrible
  • It’s wrong and horrible when children die
  • I need my leg to stop hurting
  • Something terrible is going to happen
  • Being young is better than being old

The mind will have a field day delivering horror-show images.

What if we can question and contemplate everything though….these very worst, worst experiences we’ve encountered, the things we most fear?

What if we could find peace right in the middle of mayhem, anxiety, or endings?

“The whole notion of death is a beautiful and very potent spiritual awakener….Even the very idea of death takes away everything we’re identified with. The body will go, thoughts will go, imagination will go….death takes it all away. For the mind, this is terrifying! But if you just imagine body gone, mind gone, feelings gone, memories gone…what’s left?….Death takes everything away except what’s essential.”~Adyashanti

As I turnaround all my thoughts about death, sickness, pain, accidents…all those “bad” things that can happen to a body….I find a foundation of peace that is startling. I think it’s been here the whole time, I just didn’t see it before with all the layers of fear piled on top.

  • It’s awesome that I have a limited time on the planet..what, I want to be special and stay endlessly?
  • Getting cancer is fantastic. It made me slow down, pay attention, rest, actually stop worrying…every day a gift.
  • It’s not wrong or horrible when children die. They don’t ever have to go through all the crap older people do, they are innocent, they don’t think it’s their fault.
  • I don’t need my leg to stop hurting. I’m breathing, walking…learning about pain.
  • Something wonderful is going to happen…wow, bring it on! It’s OK if it’s over.
  • Being old is better than being young, if that’s what you are. This body is incredible, it’s being the perfect servant taking me to the end zone slowly but surely.

“I see life and death as equal. Reality is good; so death must be good, whatever it is, if it’s anything at all.”~Byron Katie

If you’re ready to question your fears about the worst case scenarios….join me on Tuesday mornings starting 2/12. We’ll look at the experience of feeling physical pain, with awareness of illness and malady, and of course the top favorite….death.

I’d love company along this crazy upside-down journey of opening to what’s apparently difficult, in discovering what’s true.

Love, Grace

 

Posted on

The Expert’s Mind Is Best

My Marine Biology teacher in high school was sooooo excited about marine science that some students went on to study biology just because of his enthusiasm! He was happy, light, and joyful about all the details of crabs, seaweed and salt water.

He was an expert at the world of marine biology, but he LOVED hanging out with us beginners.  He was an expert at teaching, at engaging with teenagers. For many students it became their favorite class.

So many of us have heard the concept “Beginner’s Mind”. It’s popular amongst the meditators and students of the human condition in various modalities.

Beginner’s Mind, or Sho Shin, is a term used in zen tradition. The teacher Shunryu Suzuki wrote a book called Zen Mind, Beginners Mind in 1973.

People who have never even heard of zen often get very drawn to the thought that being at the beginning….having a mind that is innocent, open, fresh, new, and has no answers…is an exciting, empty, sweet place to be.

It’s like the fun part of being at the beginning of a journey, sending out the invitations to a party, starting from scratch, the first day of a brand new job, flirting with a new love interest, having an empty canvas before you, moving into your new home, taking a bite of a food you’ve never heard of before, getting a great new idea……the moment before any danger or trouble existed, yet.

The first day of the journey out of The Shire! The bags are packed, there is plenty of food and provisions, no one has been stabbed yet with a sharp object.

ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE!

Oh. But wait, that’s a problem. I don’t want ALL things to be possible, I want to avoid bad things and I want to not go through hell and I want to never suffer. Please.

I think I will study, study, study and become an expert. So I can get to where I want, have what I want, not feel pain, and have things be easier.

Sometimes, thoughts about being at the beginning are very painful. Filled with great discouragement.

The reason people are invited in zen to return to Beginner’s Mind is because that Expert place sometimes creates blind spots, forgetfulness of what it used to be like….it creates a tendency to be a Know-It-All.

The down side of expertise is that when someone gets really knowledgeable about a topic, or condition, or the way-things-are….they can appear puffed up, bossy, parental.

Experts can be full of giving advice, telling people what or how to do it, opinionated, judgmental, anxious, pushy, and frustrated with all the people out there who should know more, know better.

But my high school teacher wasn’t like that. He was so HAPPY and had so much humor about his special topic Marine Biology.

He loved it when students asked questions. “I’m so glad you asked!” he would yell with a huge smile on his face. And we would all laugh.

Since I teach classes in this process called The Work, which is profound, simple, yet very deep, I make contact with Beginners all the time who may have never even heard of The Work.

I always like to say, The Work is simple, but not so easy. And actually, not that simple!

You may have noticed.

Byron Katie herself says, “that’s why it’s called The Work”.

The thing is, to enjoy this moment where I am about to embark on something new, where I know nothing, is NOT exactly appealing if I believe it’s too much work, or I can’t do it, I don’t get it, or it will take to freakin’ long to get there.

The down side of being a beginner in something can be very stressful. Even with The Work. People new to questioning their thinking may have thoughts like this:

  • why are other people so enamored with this method?
  • this is too cognitive, I learn kinesthetically so this isn’t for me
  • my mind is driving me nuts with so much thinking, and it’s only made WORSE by answering these four questions
  • I can’t identify any single thoughts that bother me
  • I hate writing things down
  • this takes too long and it’s boring
  • I have a good story and surely you agree with me that it sucks
  • this work is waaaaaay too negative, jeez!
  • just questioning thoughts won’t change ANYTHING

The thing is, no one has to do The Work, or any other method of inquiry about life. No one has to follow any programs, study, practice, or learn. It’s maybe weird that there are no requirements at all to life, but there are not.

No Requirements.

No one has to like Marine Biology.

If someone is not understanding The Work and you think they SHOULD understand The Work, and they should DO The Work….then it’s time for YOU to do The Work.

What if my high school teacher was angry at the students who weren’t really into it? What if he had the idea that some students are too hostile, dumb, close-minded, or rude? What if he thought it was so dull and worthless to hang out with beginner students?

But he didn’t. We could all feel it. He LOVED teaching us.

When becoming a so-called Expert is done because we are so thrilled, excited, engaged, and full of love about the topic….wow, then in that mode, it’s amazing to be a student of the thing we’re becoming an Expert about.

Doing The Work, I have found I love studying my mind, other peoples’ minds, the human mind, the human condition. The path keeps unfolding. Always something new to learn.

If I hear someone talking about The Work or self-inquiry and how disturbing it is for them or how they don’t understand it, I can turn toward them or away from them. Open or closed.

I know which one feels better.

“How can I not be available to anyone who asks for help? I love people just the way they are, whether they see themselves as saints or sinners. I know that each of us is beyond categories, unfathomable. It’s not possible to reject people unless you believe your story about them.”~Byron Katie

I notice the energy of “rejection” sometimes appears. I will think “that expert doesn’t know what the hell they’re talking about!” or “that beginner doesn’t know anything! I wish they did!”

And then I feel that energy that is interested in rejecting that person or situation, and I know to ask “Is It True?”

That person should be different than they are…in a different place, farther down the path, closer to the beginning…… Really? Are you sure?

Who would I be without the thought that they shouldn’t be saying that, acting that way, thinking those thoughts, feeling those feelings?

I would watch, wait, and be very still.

“By watching the mind, you will notice that it is engaged in the process of trying to make everything okay…..When you see the mind telling you how to fix the world and everyone in it in order to suit yourself, just don’t listen.”~Michael Singer in The Untethered Soul

All those thoughts that new people express that are so honest and real, especially where they say they don’t understand what it means to question the mind….I remember not getting it either.

I don’t actually even get it now, entirely. But the difference is, it is no longer frightening. Exploring when and where I feel against something is absolutely fascinating.

Not understanding this mind, my thinking, or exactly what’s going on when I question my thoughts is even fun a lot of the time.

“Anyone in harmony with what is has no past to project as a future, so there’s nothing she expects. Whatever appears is always fresh, brilliant, surprising, obvious, and exactly what she needs…..For her, everything is new. She has never seen it before….She doesn’t expect results, because she has no future.”~Byron Katie

I notice I’m excited about the raw, blunt, direct beginner. The one with awesome questions, and defense, irritation. She finds this whole inquiry thing “lame”.

I remember thinking that, too. We’re on the same page.

And I notice I LOVE questioning my thoughts, and this seems to have been going on for about a decade now, if you believe in time.

I didn’t study more marine biology after high school….and I can guarantee you that my teacher is not upset about this. I once ran into him when I had growing children myself, and he turned out to be retired.

He said “call me any time and I’ll do a teaching walk on the beach for everyone in your entire family!” Just because he loves it.

Love, Grace

P.S. Room for one more person in tomorrow’s teleclass on questioning all our thoughts about money and work: how to earn it, get it, receive it…what our thoughts are about work, jobs, our businesses, marketing, announcing, making contact with others, charging, the people who bug us the most. It’s a blast to arrive back at Beginner’s Mind with Money and Work. ALL THINGS BECOME POSSIBLE! Click below to register.

Learn About Teleclasses Here 

Click here to register for any of these classes online. You can also send an email to grace@workwithgrace.com if you’d prefer to mail a check or want to ask questions.

  • Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Mondays, February 4-April 1, 2013, 7:30 – 9:00 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. No class March 4th. 
  • Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven: Working With Painful Hate, Anger, Fury, Despair, Grief, or Disappointment With Someone You Know; Spouse, Mother, Sibling, Father, Daughter, Son, Boss, Neighbor, Friend. Fridays, March 29-May 17, 2013 8:00 am – 9:30 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.