Tag: Byron Katie

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Are You Trying To Handle The Master Carpenter’s Tools?

I have had many questions recently about how the teleclasses work and what it’s like to participate logistically. Like, “do I need my computer and do I need to watch something online?!”

The good news: all you need is a telephone. Any kind of phone will do. I haven’t gotten fancy yet with webinars or slides or something actually online…although that’s probably coming. But this option is quite simple. You dial in to a regular 9-digit US phone number and then enter a code, and we’re all on the phone together!

Many people like to use Skype as it is then free from their foreign location. This DOES require a computer and the use of the free software by Skype. I am amazed at all the wonderful people calling from Australia, Japan, Germany, Spain, Peru, Mexico. Truly incredible!

And speaking of technology….MY HARD DRIVE CRASHED! ARRRRGGGGH!

What was that? Did you say I might want to do The Work on this situation?

Oh, now that you mention it…I DID notice a moment of exploding thoughts about gizmos and gadgets and hard drives not working. I WOULD call that stressful, yes.

In my Friday Horrible Food Wonderful Food teleclass, the effort to establish the group forum initially didn’t work either. Arrrgghh again.

These moments are so fascinating for watching the mind that wants control, or believes it HAS control, or believes it NEEDS control.

It has such a hissy fit. It should be going THAT way, not THIS way.

This is the landing place of angst, frustration, resentment, suffering. I want it to look like that, I think it should look like that, I need it to look like that…in order to be happy.

I will NOT be happy until it looks the way I think it should look.

  • my hard drive shouldn’t break
  • all data needs to be retrieved
  • this program should work
  • this shouldn’t take so long
  • I should understand this. Yesterday.
  • whose fault is this? Attack them now.

With computers and technology, I find the frustration is so minor, my mind brushes it off as inconsequential. Unimportant, not necessary for investigation. I quickly find that the data I thought I needed is not needed at all.

However, this is absolutely fantastic training ground for awareness of the thought process, since there is not so much invested, according to my mind. The feelings are not very strong, so I can see how the mind works when it’s incredibly self-oriented and all about ME.

Busy finding fault with those people out there who are doing it wrong. Those hard-drive builders, that data-retrieval company, my teenager who dropped the thing in the first place, the people at google or apple who are updating everything so freakin’ fast I can’t keep up.

This mind will do the same thing on seemingly much bigger issues, the ones I care about a lot more.

Like…my body should be like THAT, not like THIS. My girlfriend should be like THAT, not like THIS. My job should be like THAT, not like THIS. The political scene, the corporations, money, traffic, my child, my mother, my father, time, energy, my health, my job, my living situation, that other country, the government, chocolate, the weather.

One of my favorite things Byron Katie says is “who needs God, when we have your opinion?” 

But. I can’t be mistaken, could I? That would be alarming. Confusing. Weird. I mean, wouldn’t I lose all my volition, my energy, my push, my drive? If I am not 100% RIGHT then what will I do? I won’t know what to say, think, feel, dream!

I won’t be able to come up with my PLAN for this situation and how it should be handled and managed. I’ll be too passive!

[We interrupt this Grace Notes post to let you know that right in the middle of writing it, half of it suddenly disappeared from the screen with a message about unusual technical difficulty right here in this moment].

I am now laughing!

What are the advantages of having things vanish, break, disappear, get lost, become unretrievable?

I notice that suffering occurs, on some level, every time I think things should be different than they actually are. I also have believed that if I accept WHAT IS, then I myself will become nothing, mean nothing, and not matter. And nothing will ever change (and it needs to, remember?)

What are the advantages for losing my work, losing my hard drive, losing my memory, my former husband, my childhood, my family the way it once was? What are the advantages for losing my health, my youth, my job, my house, my money, my hard drive?

I am here, now, in the present. I notice there is now, and a new thing to think of or do. I notice I don’t need all my recordings on that hard drive, I don’t need the wedding pictures (there are plenty more from other people), I don’t need it to run my classes, I get to buy a new laptop that is new instead of very old.

I notice everything is moving and changing. Nothing is stagnant.

“Our life’s work is to use what we have been given to wake up. If there were two people who were exactly the same—same body, same speech, same mind, same mother, same father, same house, same food, everything the same—one of them could use what he has to wake up and the other could use it to become more resentful, bitter, and sour. It doesn’t matter what you’re given, whether it’s physical deformity or enormous wealth or poverty, beauty or ugliness, mental stability or mental instability, life in the middle of a madhouse or life it he middle of a peaceful, silent desert. Whatever you’re given can wake you up or put you to sleep.”~Pema Chodron

For me, I am nodding off when I start in on those people, that technology, or this situation that is BAD and needs to be FIXED.

There she goes, falling asleep into the irritable, intolerant, anxious, sad, all-about-me mind!

I remember, at some point, to question my thinking.

Because I find over and over again that without making war on a situation, amazingly, it seems that it’s actually MORE likely to change.

Well, it usually does anyway, whether I’m trying to get it to change or not.

“If you realize that all things change, there is nothing you will try to hold on to. If you aren’t afraid of dying, there is nothing you can’t achieve. Trying to control the future is like trying to take the master carpenter’s place. When you handle the master carpenter’s tools, chances are that you’ll cut your hand.”~ Tao Te Ching #74

I used to cut my hands over and over again. They were a bloody mess. OUCH. Just so unhappy and so full of thoughts about my predicament being terrible. Life seemed sooooo hard.

But with The Work, letting go of the outcome, turning my thinking around to the opposite, finding advantages for my present situation….my hands only appear to have little nicks and scratches on them.

And today, with this technology “break down” thing, I notice my “hands” are pain-free. In fact, they look pretty lovely. They look fascinating! Who made these hands? What made these hands? Who or what do they belong to?! Freakin’ Incredible!

Love, Grace

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How Shocking! He’s Not Attracted To Me!

Wow, I got so many notes and emails from people responding to my Grace Note yesterday on Fearing Desire. WONDERFUL comments!

One of the most interesting things I have noticed, in all the teleclasses I teach but ESPECIALLY in the Sexuality class, is people noticing at some point in the process of inquiring into their thinking is that this is about so much more than sex.

This work is about feeling fear when someone does something, or asks for something, or wants something, or says they need something, especially from YOU…whether that looks like physical contact or not.

This work is about feeling the stress that flows through you when someone says they are attracted to you, or when you are attracted to them…or perhaps when they DON’T like you and they don’t want anything from you.

Human connection and communication, relationships, asking for what you want, responding to others when they ask for what they want…this dynamic shows up in almost every relationship.

It is far beyond the experience of sexuality, but the arena of sexuality is so wonderful, so filled with mood, emotion, arousal, disappointment, pleasure, demand, intrigue, hope…that it is one of the most powerful exchanges to study.

We get to find out what we really, really think we want. We get to see what the moment is like, what we are believing when we are disturbed or uncomfortable.

As Byron Katie suggests, we are looking here at the stressful thoughts, not the relaxing, peaceful ones. Those loving ones we may as well keep. They are kind and gentle.

The tougher, nervy ones go like this:

  • If I move towards that person, I could get hurt
  • If that person moves towards me, I need to run away
  • If I like that person, I will hurt someone else
  • If that person likes me, they are wrong/confused/pushy
  • I have to do something with this feeling of attraction
  • That person (those people) are out of control with their feelings
  • I must get satisfied!
  • When that person does THAT, says THAT, moves that way…it’s freaky
  • I need to be liked, I need people to think I’m attractive

We assume things constantly, with a tiny gesture, with a facial expression. We wonder what it means. We stay quiet and don’t ask, because it’s frightening to think of speaking up. Or we may be boisterous and loud, but still full of assumptions that may not be spot on. We keep secrets.

This expression within sexuality can contain what is uncomfortable in human interaction, and what we’re most afraid of. It’s about how we perceive desire, wanting, emptiness, dischord, anxiety.

When my mind used to be so full of all these kinds of thoughts about what that other person might mean, what I should or shouldn’t be doing or feeling, and believing that what I want, say, or think could be bad…it was paralyzing.

I discovered that I could take one single situation that involved physical touch, attraction, or affection, and see a whole box full of stressful ideas from that one single moment.

Once a man I was on a date with said to me after spending a whole day together, having a great time talking (I thought) “you know, you really aren’t my type.”

It was like a knife went through my gut. I had to control myself from crying (must not show that I’m affected by his words–an additional stressful thought of course).

Oh the agony that one human man on the planet didn’t think I was his type!!!

Now, while I look at that moment as somewhat surprising…..I can say DANG, that was direct and blunt! That was awesome! No guessing where I stood, that’s for sure.

It was an amazing moment in not taking something personally. Although…heh heh. I took it sooooo personally (remember the knife) there was not even a half-second before my reaction.

Boy, the seething viciousness of my own mind later was incredible. All because of someone saying they were not attracted to me.

But I did The Work. I investigated what the heck was happening in that moment, for me. I dove into that terrible blistering moment like my life depended on it.

I turned that thought around…”he should have said that, he should not be attracted to me (if he’s not, I mean…duh), he should tell me the truth straight up, he should not pull any punches, I do not need flattery, I am not rejected, I am still attractive—to myself and to other men”.

I realized that all of those were just as true. I realized all the importance and power I gave those words from his mouth.

I even realized he didn’t necessarily mean them to be hurtful to me! He knew I could handle it!

“Who would you be in people’s presence without, for example, the story that anyone should care about you, ever? You would be love itself. When you believe the myth that people should care, you’re too needy to care about people or about yourself. The experience of love can’t come from anyone else; it can come only from inside you.”~Byron Katie

Every time there is a jolt in me that puts up a shield, or something inside that starts to gather rocks, I know I’ve got attack-mode engaged. Not really that useful or fun.

Who would I be without my story that this whole sexuality business is a sensitive topic, that we have to be careful and delicate, that it’s weird, or private, or personal….or really all that important? What if I gave up moving towards, moving away, and just noticed?

I’d start a teleclass on the topic.

“Ego is the movement of the mind toward objects of perception in the form of grasping, and away from objects in the form of aversion. This fundamentally is all the ego is.”~Adyashanti

The Our Wonderful Sexuality starts on Tuesday 1/22. Join us if you’d like to look at love, attraction, anger, first kiss, your longest-term relationship….and question what happened.

Love, Grace

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Resenting What Is

Welcome to all the new subscribers. Really…so very humbled that you come along on this journey and I am so touched and happy that you are HERE. I love company.

This wasn’t always the case. I was always trying to get away from people.

And then when I was alone, I was trying to get away from my own mind.

What a dilemma! You were irritating and so was I. Kind of a bummer, right?

No situation is good, in this scenario. Every situation could be improved. No satisfaction, no true comfort, no peace.

Eckhart Tolle says the ego LOVES its resentment of reality. Isn’t that amazing?

I ask myself….why? Why would I get off on this resentment of what is? This is not a trick question. It is an actual question. Like, pretend you came from another planet and you find out this is what people do here….they resent what is. Now, see if as an observer you can discover why they would do that.

  • I am RIGHT, not wrong. I am brilliant, the One-Who-Knows-All.
  • I am more brilliant than God/Source/Whomever Set This Up/Reality.
  • If people are suffering here…well, that wasn’t MY idea.
  • I am so powerful, with all this brilliance, to see what is WRONG.
  • It is not my fault…I am innocent. I am not to blame for this mess.
  • It’s their fault. Those people are schmucks. Not me.
  • I can’t help being here. This was an accident. I didn’t ask to be born.
  • I can remember, daily, what is wrong with this planet and through that, be reminded of what an innocent victim I am.
  • I’m off the hook. Not Guilty!

So much fear!

OMG what if I don’t resent what is? Could it then be all up to me? My fault, my problem? But, but, but….I don’t know what to do! I am actually nothing! I’m powerless! A tiny speck in the middle of a gigantic universe!

Exactly.

It’s like if I stop resenting what is, then I’ll have to be faced with the Unknown. I’ll have to admit that I don’t get all THIS. That the little details and resistances of this tiny life are not important. At all.

It will be revealed that I have no idea what’s going on. Which I don’t.

Good News.

“The moment you become aware of a negative state within yourself, it does not mean you have failed. It means that you have succeeded.”~ Eckhart Tolle

I used to think that if I gave up resenting things, people, places, events, weather, life, death, and being “stuck” here….that I would see how meaningless it all is, that it would be even worse, that I would see how pointless, that I would feel absolute despair.

Despair is just another form of resentment, of doubting that THIS is OK.

What if this world is wonderful, friendly, beautiful? What if it is all a big misunderstanding? What if what you are most afraid of is not actually true? What if death, losing an arm, someone getting killed, scary people, or being alone are actually not a problem?

But I will be a traitor if I give up my resentment of reality! Everyone will think I’m crazy!

Aren’t you crazy already? As Byron Katie says, you do what you’re doing, and you either love it or hate it, but you’re still doing “it”. Living.

What if Reality is doing its thing and you’re in this soup and there’s nothing you can do about it, and that is actually NOT A PROBLEM?

“You are the light of Presence, the awareness that is prior to and deeper than any thoughts and emotions.”~Eckhart Tolle

Much love, Grace

NEW! 2013 January Teleclasses! As always, please write if you need financial assistance. Click here to register for any of these classes online. You can also send an email to grace@workwithgrace.com if you’d prefer to mail a check or want to ask questions.

  • Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Mondays, January 14-March 11, 2013, 6:30 – 8:00 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. No class February 25th.
  • Our Wonderful Sexuality: Untangling the Passion, Attraction, Love, Past Terrors, Future Worries, Fear, Confusion, Tenderness, and Joyful Intimacy.Tuesdays, January 8 – February 26, 2013, 6:30 – 8:00 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.
  • Horrible Food Wonderful Food: Healing the Love/Hate Relationship with Eating, Food, and Our Bodies. Thursdays, January 10 – February 28, 2013. 10:00 am – 11:30 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.
  • Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven: Working With Painful Hate, Anger, Fury, Despair, Grief, or Disappointment With Someone You Know; Spouse, Mother, Sibling, Father, Daughter, Son, Boss, Neighbor, Friend. Fridays, January 11 – March 1, 2013 8:00 am – 9:30 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.

In Person workshops:
Horrible Food Wonderful Food Weekend In-Person Intensive Seattle January 12-13, 2013 Saturday 10 – 5:30, Sunday 1:30-5:30. $215. To register click HERE now and then send me an email grace@workwithgrace.com.

Mark your calendar for Breitenbush, the end of June 2013! We will be looking at all aspects of what we consider to be flaws in the body, and Un-doing our beliefs about them. Stay tuned if you’d like to join me and Susan Grace Beekman from June 26-30, 2013. You can change your internal beliefs about what you think bodies should be like….and change your entire experience of being in yours.

If you like this article, forward it to friends, family or colleagues. To get on the list to receive these directly via email, go to www.workwithgrace.com and enter your email in the sidebar. Your email will not be sold or used for any other purpose than these Grace Notes articles and announcements. You can Unsubscribe at any time by clicking at the bottom of any newsletter.  

Work With Grace - Byron Katie Coach 

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No One Does Anything Around Here Except ME!

This morning I had the thought “everyone in this house is sooooo lazy!”

No one puts their dishes in the dishwasher! No one vaccuums! No one cleans the bathroom! No one takes out the garbage! No one cleans their room! No one goes to bed early! No one hangs up their wet towels after showering! No one accomplishes ANYTHING! EXCEPT ME!!

Yup.

Sigh.

I started believing these thoughts…and could feel the energy of frustration surround me. I heard this mouth say “no one has done anything around here since I’ve been gone!” And I heard one absolutely dear and sweet person who lives here say he was working six hours yesterday on house upkeep (my husband).

I felt the attack towards what these eyes were seeing. MESS. And then how fast this voice moves towards blaming ALL THESE LAZY PEOPLE! (Not me).

Even if I don’t speak while believing these thoughts….the people I live with get that something is going on called “she is not pleased”.

And then, about as quickly as the stream of thoughts that are against the mess rise up, there is another viewpoint that is saying “are you sure this is unpleasant? are you sure this is bad? are you sure you don’t like what you see?”

How is it a good thing that this particular body and eyeballs take a look at the house and sees a mess that was made when I was away?

Who would I be without the thought that no one accomplishes anything around here, except me?

I would see the stunning accomplishment of each and every person who lives in this house. They are all alive, pulsing with life around me! Where did they come from? A husband, a daughter, a son.

Other humans, breathing, moving, talking, making sounds, laughing…Amazing!

I would see the miraculous abundance of things and stuff and furniture, dishes, laptop, computer wires, towels, glasses, dishwasher, sink, the new cherry red vacuum I bought two weeks ago.

Then very suddenly the house is empty and all those other humans have left for school and work and the place is silent, and this body moves around touching and wiping and vacuuming and sweeping and taking this item from here, and putting it there.

And then this mind, suddenly it seems, knows it was believing un-true thoughts for a minute. It knows there was resistance, fighting, anger, frustration. This mind that can question itself remembers, almost as instantly as the resistant feelings came in, that THIS moment is a teacher.

Why is it a good thing that I return home after being away, and notice that what needs to happen is cleaning?

Then this mind feels so grateful. And I begin to cry and sob, and I sit down on the couch and I write this for my daily Grace Notes inquiry, right now.

Tears streaming down my cheeks for being able to question that attacking mind that is so vicious, commanding, brutal. That mind that says NO ONE else does ANYTHING around this house! ONLY ME!!

This was war in a tiny eensy little moment….about dirty dishes and wet towels, apparently. That Mean Voice can turn housework into World War III.

And Inquiry then comes forward, on the tails of the Mean Voice that wants everything it’s own way and thinks it is the Ruler of the Universe….

“There’s something out of order on planet earth….and it’s NOT ME!” ~Byron Katie at The Mental Cleanse 2012

The amazing thing is that all of us are able to watch ourselves. We see ourselves do that critical thing, or get angry, or get sad, or terrified.

I wanted everything to be “in order” today so I could “have time” to do fifty thousand things I wanted to do….none of which were housecleaning, so I thought. Anxiousness was there before I ever got upset with mess. My MIND was messy before I even SAW the house mess.

Cluttered thoughts, busy, busy, great expectations, plans, speediness, hope, dreams, wanting to sit and finish my curriculum for a one-year program for the Addictive Mind that I’ve been working on for quite a long while now (as defined by the Big Boss Mind). Wanting to finalize the plans for the Pain, Sickness and Death class. Wanting to go to the gym. Faster, faster, faster, faster screams the mind!

I turnaround everything in this moment. The speed and pace that is happening in my life is just right. The plans I have are unfolding in just the right order.

The most important thing new is housework, de-cluttering on the physical level. Using this moment to de-clutter the mind.

I surrender.

“Just decide that no matter what the mind says, you aren’t getting involved.”~ Michael Singer in The Untethered Soul

I surrender.

“Seeing into the darkness is clarity. Knowing how to yield is strength. Use your own light and return to the source of light. This is called practicing eternity.”~ Tao Te Ching #52

Everything that was ever truly important is being accomplished around here, just for me.

My sanity. My awakening.

Thank you, family, for leaving the dishes and vacuuming in just that perfect state so that I could watch myself trying to be the Boss of the Universe, and choose peace instead of war.

Who knows what can come next….in such a friendly universe.

Much love, Grace

NEW! 2013 January Teleclasses! As always, please write if you need financial assistance. Click here to register for any of these classes online. You can also send an email to grace@workwithgrace.com if you’d prefer to mail a check or want to ask questions.

  • Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Mondays, January 14-March 11, 2013, 6:30 – 8:00 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. No class February 25th.
  • Our Wonderful Sexuality: Untangling the Passion, Attraction, Love, Past Terrors, Future Worries, Fear, Confusion, Tenderness, and Joyful Intimacy. Tuesdays, January 8 – February 26, 2013, 6:30 – 8:00 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.
  • Horrible Food Wonderful Food: Healing the Love/Hate Relationship with Eating, Food, and Our Bodies. Thursdays, January 10 – February 28, 2013. 10:00 am – 11:30 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.
  • Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven: Working With Painful Hate, Anger, Fury, Despair, Grief, or Disappointment With Someone You Know; Spouse, Mother, Sibling, Father, Daughter, Son, Boss, Neighbor, Friend. Fridays, January 11 – March 1, 2013 8:00 am – 9:30 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.

In Person workshops:
Horrible Food Wonderful Food Weekend In-Person Intensive Seattle January 12-13, 2013 Saturday 10 – 5:30, Sunday 1:30-5:30. $215. To register click HERE now and then send me an email grace@workwithgrace.com.

Mark your calendar for Breitenbush, the end of June 2013! We will be looking at all aspects of what we consider to be flaws in the body, and Un-doing our beliefs about them. Stay tuned if you’d like to join me and Susan Grace Beekman from June 26-30, 2013. You can change your internal beliefs about what you think bodies should be like….and change your entire experience of being in yours.

If you like this article, forward it to friends, family or colleagues. To get on the list to receive these directly via email, go to www.workwithgrace.com and enter your email in the sidebar. Your email will not be sold or used for any other purpose than these Grace Notes articles and announcements. You can Unsubscribe at any time by clicking at the bottom of any newsletter.

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There Is Not Enough

One of the top stressful thoughts of the whole year that people have shared with me has been “I am not good enough.”

There may be slight variations, like just “I am not enough” or “I don’t have enough” of something.

Or the big dramatic way to put it “I WILL NEVER, NEVER, EVER BE ENOUGH!”

Enough is an interesting word. I’ve used it a lot myself.

Not being or having enough of something can be so, so stressful. And usually, the stress comes right alongside the thought…practically instantly. Without the thought being questioned.

There I am, living my life, and someone I care about sees me, or hears me say something, or watches me, or encounters me, and something happens, and it seems like they are not pleased.

Something went wrong! Things naturally are supposed to be easy, sweet and kind…right?

Or I myself have images in my head of how grand life would be if only I got it together, stopped doing “x”, started doing “y”, changed some things about myself. In other words, some improvements could definitely be made in the department of ME.

Or I notice that I want something, or someone close to me wants something, and the thing that is wanted is in short supply (money, time, attention, love, connection).

With all these things, there is something MISSING. Not enough of something.

It is good to spend some time in inquiry, asking yourself, when you have these “not enough” thoughts just what exactly you believe is absent. Like what are the qualities, the feelings, you think aren’t here?

What would you have, if you had enough of that thing, or that person, or that substance?

If I really had “enough” money, I would relax, kick back, read more than I already do, watch more good movies, not get up quite as early, travel more, go to more workshops and lectures, fix parts of my house, do more no-fee work with the community, take a writing break to finish my book, contribute to the scholarship fund.

And what would I have, if I had THAT? Awareness, knowledge, fun, connection, security, meaning, rest.

If you were good enough, what would you actually be? How would you feel?

I love when Byron Katie responded to a woman who said “I’m not good enough”. She asked “Good enough for what?!”

Excellent question.

It’s like there are our own images floating around showing us pictures of what it COULD be like, how things COULD be better, how it COULD have gone much more smoothly, how we COULD have not made that mistake or blunder.

Images of better versions of life, of me, of the people I know, of the world.

And a big chasm between the two. Oh that gap! So annoying! Why can’t we just get over THERE in that beautiful better scene? JEEZ!

“Let’s suppose that rain washes out a picnic. Who is feeling negative? The rain? Or YOU? What’s causing the negative feeling? The rain, or your reaction? When you bump your knee against a table, the table’s fine. It’s busy being what it was made to be–a table. The pain is in your knee, not the table. The mystics keep trying to tell us that reality is all right. Reality is not problematic. Problems exist only in the human mind.” ~Anthony De Mello. 

When I bump up against the image of a more perfect, better version of myself that would be “enough”, or I bump up against the idea that this reality, with this much money, is not adequate…when I bump up against some vision of what I want and I believe I can’t have it, or I can’t feel peaceful without it…whenever I think there is not enough of something…Good News.

It’s in my own fearful thinking. I am only believing that without this thing or essence or person that I want, I am not happy. Without some improvement, I am not happy.

So, my mind is doing this: I am not quite good enough….I need more goodness or skill or awareness, I need to be better at “x” than I already am, I need to fix myself or there will be a long drawn-out life of suffering and unhappiness and never becoming enough.

Is that true? Are you sure?

 “True personal growth is about transcending the part of you that is not okay and needs protection. This is done by constantly remembering that you are the one inside that notices the voice talking. That is the way out.”~ Michael Singer in The Untethered Soul

That voice that considers everything and comments on it not being enough, including YOU…it is only a voice. We all have it.

But we can also all take a look at it. It’s such a drama queen, have you noticed? So serious!

Who would I be without the thought that there’s not enough? This is REALLY imagining that it’s not possible to not have enough, if you couldn’t even have that idea.

I would feel so excited, aware, relaxed. I would feel secure, joyful, peaceful. Open to whatever is next. Silent. Pleased. Waiting. WOW.

Who knows what could happen with this state of mind.

Love, Grace

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I Really Should Be Thinner

Not all you wonderful readers have had the privilege of hearing some of my beliefs about cellulite, wrinkles, aching knees, loose skin or gas.

Doh! So unspiritual! So unenlightened! So superficial, ridiculous, silly, petty, childish, and stupid!

What…me? I would NEVER have a thought about such trivial occurrences as these. I would never have stressful beliefs about thinness or jiggling body parts.

It only used to run my whole life practically, starting around age 14. And occasionally these kinds of thoughts pop back by for a visit.

I needed to be thinner, smoother, less bumpy, tighter, more muscular, stronger, defined, angular. And never smell bad, either.

A wonderful inquirer reminded me the other day that many people walk around thinking that they need to be thinner, several times a day or more, and that it is very stressful.

It’s almost as if we believe it would suck if we didn’t have the thought that something needs to change. Because then, we’d be wallowing in a pile of passivity, non-motivation, and apathy. Resigned, not trying. Never getting there. And fat. Or certainly not thin enough.

Pain Makes Gain. Right? I feel pain when I look in the mirror, or I feel stuffed after a meal and nauseated, or I have a god-awful hangover…and this pain slaps me around and makes me want to wake up and do something different. That pain gives me motivation to CHANGE…..right?

Well, have you noticed how many times you’ve thought mean, nasty, ugly thoughts about yourself and your condition or situation? But no change happened?

If it WORKED to be self-critical, then it seems like it would have gotten you skinny by now, or sober, or successful, or rich.

Oh. Right.

There is another way. And it’s not “positive thinking” either. Because that would just be a fakey, rah-rah, cheerleading sort of approach which still assumes that you need to be pumped up and LOVE yourself to get somewhere. To get thin.

The greatest doorway to freedom for me has been, instead of condemning myself to long-term punishment, to look with depth at what I am really thinking repeatedly and finding out what is going on in those moments.

This is gettin’ down and dirty with the ugly, immature, stupid beliefs.

The belief “I should be thinner” can be mildly annoying or really sickeningly painful and very, very old.

Let’s look at it. First of all, can you absolutely know that it’s true? YES YES YES!! Screams from the balcony, the stadium, your family, your mirror, your grandparents, all the way from Hollywood! OMG of COURSE you should be thinner, are you kidding me?!!

Really ask again. I mean, in the big scheme of things beyond all this, can you know without a doubt that right now you should be thinner? You may still answer yes. That’s good….you thought about it for real, instead of just assuming it’s true.

You see how you react when you believe this thought: irritable, you make dieting plans, you despair of dieting plans, you try to ignore the thought, you hate yourself, you’re disgusted, you try to forget about it, you say “it’s not THAT bad”, you consider yourself superficial, you get tired just thinking about what you would have to do to get there. Starve and exert more energy.

And then…who would you be without the thought in your mind at all? Like other parts of the day when you’re not even thinking about it? Maybe you would notice that there are some other disturbing thoughts present. Some big ones that feel a little more foreboding.

You might notice that you could ask yourself a little more deeply WHY you should be thinner. I mean, what’s the problem here?

I should be thinner because then…WHY? My lover will stay with me, my spouse will never leave me, my friends will admire me, my boss and co-workers will be amazed by me, everyone will be attracted to me, my health will be superb, I won’t have “x” disease, I will feel fabulous, I will get more sex, I will have more energy, I will be more successful, I will make more money, I will be more secure, I will look stronger and younger which means people will find me appealing, I will stop having to think about this. Ever.

Phew. That’s a lot to put on thinness.

When we turn the thought around it becomes: my THINKING should be thinner….I mean really. I’ve believed that thinness meant so very much, the thinking has been thick and profuse and chaotic and fast. Yes, my thinking should slow down, relax and thin itself out.

Another turnaround is: I should NOT be thinner, I should be just the size I am. What if you allowed everything to be about your body, right now? What if you closed your eyes and just felt this body, and treated it kindly, without looking at it or caring how it turned out? Isn’t that what we all really want? Total freedom?

“I once worked with a woman in Jerusalem. Her religion was ‘I should have thin thighs’; she thought that’s what would give her what she wanted in life. She was the cutest! And she just wasn’t willing to do The Work; she couldn’t go inside for an honest answer, because she was terrified that if she answered honestly, she’d end up with fat thighs. She thought she needed fear as a motivation to exercise and eat right. It was obvious she preferred thin thighs to freedom.”~Byron Katie

When I began to realize that I don’t, in fact, actually care if I am thin or fat or round or sharp-edged…and what I really really want is the truth….then I became free to live in peace. To not grab for things when I’m not hungry (that isn’t the truth) and not force myself NOT to eat when I AM hungry (that isn’t the truth).

Simply being gentle with myself, moment to moment, at meals, with food, eating, tasting, smelling, hunger, fullness, slowing down. Not panicking or judging it as wrong. Waiting, breathing. Questioning other painful, difficult beliefs. Knowing I can “live” through any troubling or strong emotion.

I discovered what I used to believe thinness was going to bring me: love, joy, fun, pleasure, admiration, approval. Only all of these, already here. For myself. Whatever the weight.

The wonderful news is: you don’t have to be in 100% all-out full blown joy, love, pleasure and approval ALL THE TIME to be free from the burden of thinking about your weight.

All you need is a tiny drop of inquiry, willingness to drop your religion about the body and its appearance, and you will gently wake up.

That mundane, stupid, ridiculous series of beliefs about thinness that I had for years and years? They were my path to freedom.

“When they believe their thoughts, people divide reality into opposites. They think that only certain things are beautiful. But to a clear mind, everything in the world is beautiful in its own way.”~Byron Katie

If you want to take a closer look, come to a weekend in Seattle in January on questioning your judgments about food and your appearance….or come to Breitenbush Hotsprings next June 2013. Maybe it’s time to end this war?

Love, Grace

Horrible Food Wonderful Food Weekend In-Person Intensive Seattle January 12-13, 2013 Saturday 10 – 5:30, Sunday 1:30-5:30. $215. To register click HERE now and then send me an email grace@workwithgrace.com.

Mark your calendar for Breitenbush, the end of June 2013! We will be looking at all aspects of what we consider to be flaws in the body, and Un-doing our beliefs about them. Stay tuned if you’d like to join me and Susan Grace Beekman from June 26-30, 2013. You can change your internal beliefs about what you think bodies should be like….and change your entire experience of being in yours.

If you like this article, forward it to friends, family or colleagues. To get on the list to receive these directly via email, go to www.workwithgrace.com and enter your email in the sidebar. Your email will not be sold or used for any other purpose than these Grace Notes articles and announcements. You can Unsubscribe at any time by clicking at the bottom of any newsletter.

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You Made Me Feel This Way

He is making me so furious! She is making me feel so disappointed! Soooo frustrated!

Must get away from that person! If only they would change! How could they possibly….I mean…. fer gawd sakes what are they thinking!?! DANG IT!

How many times in your life have you had this kind of feeling course through your veins? Or been saying these kinds of words out loud!

You may even KNOW that you are shooting thoughts at that person like bombs, and you know you can’t do anything about their behavior…and yet still the gut reaction is THEY SHOULD BE DIFFERENT.

Then, I would be happier. And by the way, it would be easier if THEY changed. Because…I have no idea how to stop reacting.

Yup. THEY are MAKING me CRAZY.

As humans throughout history have studied psychology, spirituality and relationships …all angles of examining humanity and our behaviors and experiences… there is a common set of ideas all the greatest writers and philosophers seem to grapple with:

If I am here with you, how am I actually influenced by you? What does my family, my childhood, my city, my country, my environment have to do with this thing that is ME?

Then where do you stop and I begin and how do I operate, separately from your responses?

This is like the whole soup of it all, the organism, the hive, how we interact, how we are affected by others.

Who are you, and who am I, and what is going on here when we communicate?

This is a big humongous question.

Dependency or Independency. How are we dependent on each other? What do we rely on from others? How do I get what I need and want here?

If someone else threatens my happiness (or appears to) or seems to not be giving me what I believe I need and want…then what do I say, think, or feel?

Unfortunately, all the reacting, physically and emotionally, can start to feel incredibly dependent…almost out-of-control dependent. Like someone can do something any minute that is my particular trigger and I’ll have a heart attack about it. No steady peace.

For example, once I was on a date quite a few years ago, after divorce.

We went to a very exquisite and fancy restaurant with an amazing view. The man I was with received a phone call mid-meal and left to take it outside.

I waited and looked around at the place. After twenty minutes, I did The Work. Did he leave? What’s going on? I have to know. I am trapped. There’s nothing else I can do. I stood up to go and a waiter stopped me and I realized the establishment felt worried about our table being completely abandoned with no bill paid.

I returned to the table. I knew I was not trapped, I knew this moment could be exciting! I had just questioned my stressful thinking in this “waiting” moment.

A great writer and therapist for couples in the past several decades (his books were introduced to me in graduate school) David Schnarch talks about the most fun, exciting and healthy dynamics between humans is the road to differentiation.

Carl Jung talks about something very similar and calls it “individuation”.

As you become more individual and unique, you discover your own path in life, you don’t lose yourself. In Schnarch’s words, you “hold on to yourself” in the middle of any relationship.

Independence….the sense that I love following my own authority, me knowing what I want and need and then going to get it, being self-reliant, being OK where I am and psyched that I’m continuing along an expansive path somehow.

Then Boom. Something BAD is happening around here. It looks chaotic, or scary, or weird, or like I’m being abandoned, or like I’m sitting in a restaurant all alone WAITING. And it’s someone else’s fault.

I suddenly realized…although I had been watching them for almost 30 minutes, that there was a large table of 8 people right near me, with two empty chairs because two people had left temporarily. (I had lots of time to hear their conversations so I knew the two people were returning at some point).

Uncharacteristically, I got up and went over to their table and said “May I join you?”

The whole table was delighted and welcomed me in. They were the family of the restaurant owners. The two people away from the table were getting a tour of the grounds. This restaurant had been here for 100 years.

It was so much fun, I hardly noticed when my date returned from his one-hour business phone call. In fact, I didn’t want him to come back yet.

No one “made” me feel bad in that waiting moment….except me. Until I questioned my thinking and it opened up a world of options that I couldn’t see before.

WOW. If we don’t think that someone’s behavior, or any situation, is MAKING us feel bad and there’s no way out….

What else could be possible?

If you really, really are not stuck….if you really are not 100% trapped….what could happen today?

Love, Grace

P.S. Only ONE spot left to do The Work for a day in Seattle. Come join us in this amazing process of identifying your painful thinking, and questioning it! Write grace@workwithgrace.com to reserve your spot.

 

Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven In-Person Intensive Seattle 12/1 10 am – 6 pm.

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No More Leaving

Have you ever wondered why you like someone?

There are often qualities we are conditioned to understand, enjoy, “get”, or relate to easily and well. When someone comes along with just the right amount of the formula that we can relate to, we like them. It may even feel so familiar, like you’ve come home, that you think “OMG! You’re the one I’ve been waiting for! This is FANTASTIC!”

And it’s REALLY REALLY fascinating and wonderful to ask yourself; why? Why this person? Why now? Why am I so drawn? Why do I like them sooooooo much?

What is going on here?

Anthony De Mello writes in his sweet book Awareness “If you’re attached to appreciation and praise, you’re going to view people in terms of their threat to your attachment or their fostering of your attachment.”

I remember realizing that with some people, the actual reason I liked them, as Tony De Mello also discovered, is that they do the behavior or say the words that show they are enjoying themselves in my company, they are feeling good, I am feeling good. We are appreciating each other.

I like them because they like me. They like me because I like them. It’s like we recognize each other as people who can give and receive appreciation, love, approval, praise in a way that is comfortable, familiar.

It’s like there’s a measurement device faster than the speed of thought that is a very sensitive sensor, looking at all these energies or personality traits and behaviors. All of it getting measured against the comfort zone. My comfort zone.

It’s like getting into a mode where we’re tasting the personalities of porridge, like Goldilocks, and we know immediately when it’s JUST RIGHT.

Now, there is absolutely nothing wrong with the beauty of connecting, making intimate contact with someone (or many), being real, honest, joyful….being around someone who inspires you!

But this attachment sensor is powerful. It’s even become a theory in the psychological field, that people are driven by their conditioning around attachment and connection.

So what happens when you really like someone, you’ve had a wonderful feeling with them, deep intimate connection….and then they drift away, or tell you it’s not working for them? They say NO. They’re too busy, they don’t have the time, their life circumstance changed and they aren’t available anymore. They don’t return your calls.

Rats.

You may get to find out what you’ve been attached to.

They don’t like me after all, I did something wrong, I offended them. What did I say, do or think that distressed them? I have to figure it out. I am not important, I am not lovable, I am not worth it to them, I am dismiss-able, I am worthy of being ignored. This is terrible, this is a problem. Agony, worry, fear, hand-wringing, busy mind.

The scale of this pain can be at a level of 100, like when your life partner of 20 years leaves….or it can be a 10 like when a co-worker you used to have a coffee break with every day says they don’t have time for that anymore.

“The truth is everything will be OK as soon as you are OK with everything. And that’s the only time everything will be OK.”~ Michael Singer

I start with the most simple of core stressful thoughts in this situation, where I am here with myself, and that person I have so enjoyed seems to be gone.

I need to talk with them, I need to be with them NOW….Is that true? Am I OK right here in this moment, without their presence? Can I connect with others, if I want to talk or listen?

This one human being out of billions on the planet is the ONLY ONE that will resolve this feeling of detachment. Like a baby whose mother dies. Only that human being, that baby’s mother returning, will bring genuine happiness back.

IS THAT ABSOLUTELY TRUE?

Could it be that if someone is gone, if they break up with me, if they move away, perhaps even if they die, that I can still be happy? Could I get what I need and want from someone else?

“How do we love ourselves? One way is by not seeking approval outside ourselves–that’s my experience. By not seeking approval outside myself, I come to see that I already have it. I don’t want approval; I want people to think the way they think. If I seek your approval, it’s not comfortable.”~Byron Katie

I notice that when I question my thoughts about that person and their level of contact with me (or lack of it) that I have no idea really what it means. I can’t know at all it means they don’t like me, care about me, or that I am worthy of being left.

And there are so so many other human beings in the universe…and more places in this world than anyone could ever explore. So many possibilities!

There is intimacy right here in this moment. Appreciation for this present moment.

I once saw a motivational speaker called Bob Proctor on film talking about how much he enjoyed his own company. He was so enthusiastic. So full of playful happiness! He exclaimed “I just LOVE myself! I am so much fun to be around!” and then he kissed his own hand with such childlike joy, it made me laugh out loud.

That is what it is like without the thought that I need that person to come back, to say they like me, to say I didn’t do anything wrong, to comfort me, to call me.

Without the thoughts that anyone should be nearer than they are, without feeling attached or detached or concerned or anxious or fearful…I appreciate myself. I find what is lovely, precious and comforting, right here, right now.

At some point

Your relationship With God

Will become like this:

Next time you meet Him in the forest

Or on a crowded street

There won’t be anymore “Leaving”.

That is,

God will climb into Your pocket.

You will simply just take
Yourself

Along!

~Hafiz

You are beautiful.

Love, Grace

P.S. Only a few spots left to do The Work for a day in Seattle. Come join us in this amazing process of identifying your painful thinking, and questioning it! Write grace@workwithgrace.com to reserve your spot.

Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven In-Person Intensive Seattle 12/1 10 am – 6 pm.

Horrible Food Wonderful Food Weekend In-Person Intensive Seattle January 12-13, 2013 Saturday 10 – 5:30, Sunday 1:30-5:30. To register for either weekend workshop, click here!Fill in the workshop fee after you click the Buy button at the bottom of the page. You can use paypal or any credit card (you don’t need a paypal account).

Mark your calendar for Breitenbush, the end of June! We will be looking at all aspects of what we consider to be flaws in the body, and Un-doing our beliefs about them. Stay tuned if you’d like to join me and Susan Grace Beekman from June 26-30, 2013. You can change your internal beliefs about what you think bodies should be like….and change your entire experience of being in yours.

If you like this article, forward it to friends, family or colleagues. To get on the list to receive these directly via email, go to www.workwithgrace.com and enter your email in the sidebar. Your email will not be sold or used for any other purpose than these articles and announcements for Work With Grace. You can Unsubscribe at any time by clicking at the bottom of any newsletter.

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My Sister Is Sooooooo Irritating

Hello Dear Inquirers,

Several people have written to me about teenagers, inspired by my recent posts. Pre-teens as well. Why do they act that way? Why so dramatic? Why so short-tempered, or irritable, or rude? Have you done the work with teenagers?

Teenagers may have a reputation for “acting out” but really, perhaps they have some important reason for being so hostile. They may have something incredible to say. They also may be able to be less complicated, and catch on quickly to new ways of looking at something.

I have not done The Work often with my amazing children. But they see the benefits of their mother questioning her thoughts about them, I can guarantee it.

There was, however, one amazing moment where my children were fighting, and The Work sprang forward as the thing to do, right there on the spot.

My son, the older sibling, was saying something under his breath that my daughter (who admires her older brother) was perceiving as mean.

As usual, my son’s voice was quiet, I couldn’t hear the content. Then my daughter screamed “that is SO MEAN! I hate you!” at her brother.

I think he may have chuckled or scoffed. It wasn’t taken favorably, it seemed to incite the rage already present in my daughter.

Of course, there I was noticing from the other corner of the room my thoughts talking to me: they shouldn’t fight, here we go again, I must stop this, the noise of screaming is horrible, I don’t know what to do…

But somehow, in that moment, I remained in the seat of the observer, like the Work was working me and I wasn’t believing these thoughts…everything happening at once, but seeing a broader view of it all.

When there was a moment of red hot, angry silence, I said to my daughter: “what are you thinking right now that is really bugging you?”

In an angry voice, with her eyes burrowing like lazer beams into her brother, she pointed at him and said “he HATES me!”

I asked her then “Is that absolutely true, are you positive?”

“YES!!!!!!!!”

“You want to do The Work questions?”

“NO!!!!!!!!!”

Then my son said “I’ll do The Work!”

“Well, what are you thinking right now about your sister?!” My son replied “she is so irritating”.

My daughter hit her hands on the table. But stayed seated near her brother. I could tell something was OK about all this…at least I thought so. She wasn’t crying. She didn’t storm out.

“Is it true that your sister is irritating?”

Pause. “Well….not all the time.”

My daughter leaned back in her chair, not so on edge, defensive, ready to pounce.

“What would it be like right now if you didn’t have that thought that she is irritating?”

“I guess everything would be cool….but I HAVE the thought, so I’m not even sure. Calmer I guess. Maybe.” My daughter unfolded her arms. She was very interested in listening. All ears.

“What is the opposite of your thought, the complete opposite?”

“She is not irritating. She’s cool.”

“Can you find an example of how that is true, even right now perhaps?”

As my son found the examples, and then found another turnaround that HE is irritating, both kids burst out laughing. The whole thing was 10 minutes.

I couldn’t have planned it that way.

It seemed like they went from zero to LOVE and humor in 10 minutes. A wonderful example of the beautiful world of strong, intense, dramatic teenage thinking, for me.

Much love,
Grace

Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven In-Person Intensive Seattle 12/1 10 am – 6 pm.

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Teenage Drama Inquiry

“We’re leaving our home for a one-year adventure”. My parents announced this to me and my three sisters when I was 14.

I would miss my entire freshman year of high school in the US.

At the time, I had no idea the changes I was about to experience. My teenage thoughts were like this: I will miss good stuff here at home, I don’t understand why we are going, some of the countries we are traveling to are weird, one country we’re visiting called South Africa is really messed up, our dog will miss us, people will forget about me, I’ll be behind in school, I’ll miss my friends. NOOOOOO!!!

My parents were scraping the money together to do this. Selling things in order to be able to go. My dad had a teaching job lined up in South Africa first, and then London, England.

My parents were so enthusiastic and excited. Traveling the world was like a dream come true for them. Just being around them, I SORT OF felt excited about the possibilities. Seeing strange and unusual things. Maybe. 

If it was my choice, however, I would have chosen to STAY HOME.

One of the strangest and yet common experiences humans have in growing older, maturing, learning and “seeing” is when something you once thought you understood is no longer the same, because you now know much more.

Before that one-year journey with my family (we traveled to ten countries) my world appeared full. I wondered about many things. I was constantly thinking about the novels or books I was reading, my friends, boys, clothes, my appearance, my sisters…and sometimes concerned about death, God, goodness, badness, success, happiness, life.

But not until actually going into the unknown world and observing, watching, and listening did my world become bigger. And I didn’t do it. It was not my idea, it was not my plan.

My parents led the way. They were inspired for their own journeys, and I came along with my sisters as a part of the adventure. This shifted things in a way I would have never, ever chosen if it was up to me.

Many of us think about the difference between something happening TO us, or us makingsomething happen. We have pretty strong thoughts about something being completely unplanned, instigated or ignited by someone else, and what we intend or implement ourselves.

It can feel like the stuff we “make” happen we have control over. The other stuff we don’t.

The thing is, we actually don’t have much control over anything.

Anything could happen, at any moment of the day. Even when we stay home.

Other people get crazy ideas, offer interesting perspectives, say things, do things, come and go, change it up. On first glance, what they are doing may not seem good. Not helpful. Not fun. NOT productive. NOT what I want. (Like my parents’ crazy travel adventure).

Doing The Work, questioning your assumptions, your fears, your belief that THIS IS NOT GOOD….can actually change your experience of the situation.

What if you don’t know whether it’s good or not? What if there actually IS something just a teensy tiny bit good about it? What if what is happening might lead you somewhere else, in another unexpected direction, better than you could imagine? What if your mind grows bigger, your life expands to another broader perspective?

“Every thought, every person, every apparent problem is here for the sake of your freedom. When you experience anything as separate or unacceptable, inquiry can bring you back to the peace you felt before you believed the thought.”~Byron Katie

When I was 14, I thought I had a problem. A big one. I was being RIPPED from my first year of high school full of people and fun stuff happening!

It was one of my biggest wake-up calls of my life. One I am incredibly grateful for. I soon had a much, much bigger interest beyond my little life…and what I learned, and the connections I made, I didn’t realize would continue to be important, even today.

Traveling the world like I got to do is easy to think of as a Big Fabulous Opportunity. Most adults think so. But to me at 14? It was a Big Horrible Disaster.

What is happening in your life that is calling you to expand your mind, open yourself up to seeing it differently, not be so AGAINST it?

Are you feeling like a teenager? Maybe acting like one? It’s only fear. It’s only imagining that what is to come couldn’t be as good as what you previously expected. It’s only thinking that keeping things they way they are is best.

And here’s the most fun news of all: Maybe you don’t have to run the show. Maybe something else wiser (like parents) or the universe itself knows an even better way than the one you’re dreaming up.

“The Master does his job and then stops. He understands that the universe is forever out of control, and that trying to dominate events goes against the current of the Tao…” ~Tao Te Ching #30

Much love,

Grace

Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven In-Person Intensive Seattle 12/1 10 am – 6 pm.

Horrible Food Wonderful Food Weekend In-Person Intensive Seattle January 12-13, 2013 Saturday 10 – 5:30, Sunday 1:30-5:30. To register for either weekend workshop, click here!Fill in the workshop fee after you click the Buy button at the bottom of the page. You can use paypal or any credit card (you don’t need a paypal account).

Mark your calendar for Breitenbush, the end of June! We will be looking at all aspects of what we consider to be flaws in the body, and Un-doing our beliefs about them. Stay tuned if you’d like to join me and Susan Grace Beekman from June 26-30, 2013. You can change your internal beliefs about what you think bodies should be like….and change your entire experience of being in yours.

If you like this article, forward it to friends, family or colleagues. To get on the list to receive these directly via email, go to www.workwithgrace.com and enter your email in the sidebar. Your email will not be sold or used for any other purpose than these articles and announcements for Work With Grace. You can Unsubscribe at any time by clicking at the bottom of any newsletter.