Not all you wonderful readers have had the privilege of hearing some of my beliefs about cellulite, wrinkles, aching knees, loose skin or gas.
Doh! So unspiritual! So unenlightened! So superficial, ridiculous, silly, petty, childish, and stupid!
What…me? I would NEVER have a thought about such trivial occurrences as these. I would never have stressful beliefs about thinness or jiggling body parts.
It only used to run my whole life practically, starting around age 14. And occasionally these kinds of thoughts pop back by for a visit.
I needed to be thinner, smoother, less bumpy, tighter, more muscular, stronger, defined, angular. And never smell bad, either.
A wonderful inquirer reminded me the other day that many people walk around thinking that they need to be thinner, several times a day or more, and that it is very stressful.
It’s almost as if we believe it would suck if we didn’t have the thought that something needs to change. Because then, we’d be wallowing in a pile of passivity, non-motivation, and apathy. Resigned, not trying. Never getting there. And fat. Or certainly not thin enough.
Pain Makes Gain. Right? I feel pain when I look in the mirror, or I feel stuffed after a meal and nauseated, or I have a god-awful hangover…and this pain slaps me around and makes me want to wake up and do something different. That pain gives me motivation to CHANGE…..right?
Well, have you noticed how many times you’ve thought mean, nasty, ugly thoughts about yourself and your condition or situation? But no change happened?
If it WORKED to be self-critical, then it seems like it would have gotten you skinny by now, or sober, or successful, or rich.
Oh. Right.
There is another way. And it’s not “positive thinking” either. Because that would just be a fakey, rah-rah, cheerleading sort of approach which still assumes that you need to be pumped up and LOVE yourself to get somewhere. To get thin.
The greatest doorway to freedom for me has been, instead of condemning myself to long-term punishment, to look with depth at what I am really thinking repeatedly and finding out what is going on in those moments.
This is gettin’ down and dirty with the ugly, immature, stupid beliefs.
The belief “I should be thinner” can be mildly annoying or really sickeningly painful and very, very old.
Let’s look at it. First of all, can you absolutely know that it’s true? YES YES YES!! Screams from the balcony, the stadium, your family, your mirror, your grandparents, all the way from Hollywood! OMG of COURSE you should be thinner, are you kidding me?!!
Really ask again. I mean, in the big scheme of things beyond all this, can you know without a doubt that right now you should be thinner? You may still answer yes. That’s good….you thought about it for real, instead of just assuming it’s true.
You see how you react when you believe this thought: irritable, you make dieting plans, you despair of dieting plans, you try to ignore the thought, you hate yourself, you’re disgusted, you try to forget about it, you say “it’s not THAT bad”, you consider yourself superficial, you get tired just thinking about what you would have to do to get there. Starve and exert more energy.
And then…who would you be without the thought in your mind at all? Like other parts of the day when you’re not even thinking about it? Maybe you would notice that there are some other disturbing thoughts present. Some big ones that feel a little more foreboding.
You might notice that you could ask yourself a little more deeply WHY you should be thinner. I mean, what’s the problem here?
I should be thinner because then…WHY? My lover will stay with me, my spouse will never leave me, my friends will admire me, my boss and co-workers will be amazed by me, everyone will be attracted to me, my health will be superb, I won’t have “x” disease, I will feel fabulous, I will get more sex, I will have more energy, I will be more successful, I will make more money, I will be more secure, I will look stronger and younger which means people will find me appealing, I will stop having to think about this. Ever.
Phew. That’s a lot to put on thinness.
When we turn the thought around it becomes: my THINKING should be thinner….I mean really. I’ve believed that thinness meant so very much, the thinking has been thick and profuse and chaotic and fast. Yes, my thinking should slow down, relax and thin itself out.
Another turnaround is: I should NOT be thinner, I should be just the size I am. What if you allowed everything to be about your body, right now? What if you closed your eyes and just felt this body, and treated it kindly, without looking at it or caring how it turned out? Isn’t that what we all really want? Total freedom?
“I once worked with a woman in Jerusalem. Her religion was ‘I should have thin thighs’; she thought that’s what would give her what she wanted in life. She was the cutest! And she just wasn’t willing to do The Work; she couldn’t go inside for an honest answer, because she was terrified that if she answered honestly, she’d end up with fat thighs. She thought she needed fear as a motivation to exercise and eat right. It was obvious she preferred thin thighs to freedom.”~Byron Katie
When I began to realize that I don’t, in fact, actually care if I am thin or fat or round or sharp-edged…and what I really really want is the truth….then I became free to live in peace. To not grab for things when I’m not hungry (that isn’t the truth) and not force myself NOT to eat when I AM hungry (that isn’t the truth).
Simply being gentle with myself, moment to moment, at meals, with food, eating, tasting, smelling, hunger, fullness, slowing down. Not panicking or judging it as wrong. Waiting, breathing. Questioning other painful, difficult beliefs. Knowing I can “live” through any troubling or strong emotion.
I discovered what I used to believe thinness was going to bring me: love, joy, fun, pleasure, admiration, approval. Only all of these, already here. For myself. Whatever the weight.
The wonderful news is: you don’t have to be in 100% all-out full blown joy, love, pleasure and approval ALL THE TIME to be free from the burden of thinking about your weight.
All you need is a tiny drop of inquiry, willingness to drop your religion about the body and its appearance, and you will gently wake up.
That mundane, stupid, ridiculous series of beliefs about thinness that I had for years and years? They were my path to freedom.
“When they believe their thoughts, people divide reality into opposites. They think that only certain things are beautiful. But to a clear mind, everything in the world is beautiful in its own way.”~Byron Katie
If you want to take a closer look, come to a weekend in Seattle in January on questioning your judgments about food and your appearance….or come to Breitenbush Hotsprings next June 2013. Maybe it’s time to end this war?
Love, Grace
Horrible Food Wonderful Food Weekend In-Person Intensive Seattle January 12-13, 2013 Saturday 10 – 5:30, Sunday 1:30-5:30. $215. To register click HERE now and then send me an email grace@workwithgrace.com.
Mark your calendar for Breitenbush, the end of June 2013! We will be looking at all aspects of what we consider to be flaws in the body, and Un-doing our beliefs about them. Stay tuned if you’d like to join me and Susan Grace Beekman from June 26-30, 2013. You can change your internal beliefs about what you think bodies should be like….and change your entire experience of being in yours.
If you like this article, forward it to friends, family or colleagues. To get on the list to receive these directly via email, go to www.workwithgrace.com and enter your email in the sidebar. Your email will not be sold or used for any other purpose than these Grace Notes articles and announcements. You can Unsubscribe at any time by clicking at the bottom of any newsletter.