Tag: body identification

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Being Upset About A Flawed Body

Have you ever looked at pictures of yourself and felt that clench inside of disappointment, or shock, or pleasant surprise that you look like that?

Some of us have friends who are always putting up their hand when someone takes out their camera or phone to take a picture. They’re done with all that.

They don’t ever want to look at themselves frozen in a moment in time…it might produce a really harsh inner criticism, or fear of some kind.

Once I heard a friend recount finding photos of herself in high school when she was only 17.

All these years later, at age 48, she looked back at her previous self and remembered how at that time, in her own mind, she had thought of herself as ugly with fat thighs and pimples.

Here in the present, she was looking at herself and noticing how beautiful the image was of that teenager.

Then I heard her say “Now, I really AM overweight, and my face is so wrinkled! I didn’t have a clue back then! I should have appreciated myself!”

I thought with compassion, isn’t it strange that in the present moment, whenever the present moment is, she doesn’t view herself as beautiful.

The pattern repeats.

Even if you like seeing photos of yourself sometimes, and you think “hey, not bad” it often causes an inner reflection or awareness to present itself.

You see for a moment this body, this face, called “you” from an outside perspective. Maybe more like others see you.

It’s funny that as we walk around, move here and there, we are almost always seeing what appears to be beyond us, outside of us…mostly in front of us.

We see with these eyeballs, and they look out and forward.

But as soon as you think about it, you notice there is much more here than meets the eye….as the wonderful phrase goes.

Douglass Harding, who lived a long life and died in 2007, wrote about this in his wonderful book “On Having No Head”.

His work brought about his approach to understanding reality and consciousness, called the “Headless Way”.

Hilarious!

Here I am walking about, and all I see is arms, hands, feet, legs, torso.

Definitely No Head.

Even when I’m looking at a photo image of apparently whatever is me in this lifetime at one particular moment, I am looking only at an image.

I’m looking at a piece of paper. Or a reflection in a mirror.

If I close my eyes, I get to feel all that is there that doesn’t “meet the eye”.

I love that one way to study this, is with The Work. Inquiry into that moment of the clench, when you’re looking at a photo of you (or in the mirror) and you judge it as flawed.

“What I see is flawed.” 

Let’s examine this thought. First, is that true?

YES. I used to look better. I used to have smooth, tight skin. YES. I always wanted curly hair, darker skin, muscular legs.

Can you absolutely know that it’s true that the image you see represents flaws, that it is an image of a flawed physique?

No.

Even if you answer this question with “yes”….keep going with inquiry.

How do you react when you believe the thought that what you see is flawed?

Discouraged. Afraid of aging and dying. Worried about being rejected. Thinking I’m not good enough. Angry at “this society” for caring so much about appearance. Full of blame or confusion.

Who would I be without the thought that this body is flawed?

Why, I would be the way I am almost all of the time when I’m going about my life in the world….all those times I don’t think about it because I can’t actually even see it.

Without the thought, I realize that I myself only see all the other heads, and bodies, not this one, most of the time.

I can give myself this one moment, where this image HAS come across my path, to love that image, to find it curious, to not think I know what is flawed or perfect.

I turn the thought around, as I stare at this image called me. “What I see is not flawed, it is exactly as it should be.” 

Can you find real, living examples of why what you are seeing should be just the way it is, and no different?

Seeing this image, I remember that this body is very temporary, it is decaying and will dissolve. I am reminded of something that is far, far beyond a body, that is different from this physical thing.

This reflection is as it should be, with wrinkles and blotches and bumps and lumps and sags. Could I just say “oh goodie” for a change?

Oh goodie, I don’t have to live here forever even though I do love it here (on planet earth). Oh goodie, there’s no point in putting on make up, it makes no difference, and I always found the whole make-up thing a bit boring. Oh goodie, all I have to do is relax.

Oh goodie, what I see is not ME anyway.

Perhaps it is my thinking that is flawed, in the moment I feel resistant to seeing myself, the moment I worry about physical flaws.

“You are divine at centre, human in appearance – at a certain range. Seeing who you really are doesn’t mean you are no longer aware of your appearance, no longer self-conscious – that’s impossible as well as undesirable. So you still respond to your name, still recognize yourself in the mirror, still take responsibility for your actions. Of course. But you are now aware that your humanity is like a disguise, an incarnation you have taken on to be here in this world.” ~ Douglas Harding

Look in the mirror today, and stay there, reviewing especially any flaws, and see why you want them to go away….you may be surprised.

“When we know we’re going to die, when we really get that, in that moment we realize that we’re not in control. And then we get to watch. We get to watch this beautiful way of it. And love it..” ~ Byron Katie

Much love, Grace

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Trauma Mirror, Mirror Therapy

Many inquiries for Breitenbush retreat, the One Year Inquiry program, and the upcoming June teleclasses! So excited to meet and be with all of you who are coming to in-person programs, including those of you flying thousands of miles to attend. I so LOVE that you are coming.

At Breitenbush, we will look deeply at our relationship to our own bodies, every part of it we don’t like or are worried about…and how this relationship expands out to our relationship with life, death and the universe.

Speaking of the body and difficult parts, I was reading recently of the phenomena of great pain in the body occurring long after a traumatic accident occurs.

I had to re-read the text, in this fascinating book entitled Mind Over Mind by Chris Berdik, to make sure I understood what was being said.

YES…people feel ongoing pain or itching or weird sensations that feel like its coming from parts of their body that are no longer there, or that no longer work.

Apparently, over time, many scientists and physicians and psychologists have tackled the problem of “phantom” pain.

Then a neuroscientist called Vilayanur Ramachandra created a process of making the mind “see” a pretend whole limb and voila, the pain or weird sensations subside for some people.

He calls it Mirror Therapy.

The way it works is that a mirror is held up to the whole, complete, un-lost or un-injured looking body part using a mirror. The mind sees a healthy, complete body part, where it was NOT perfect before, and the pain diminishes, or in some cases is gone.

They don’t really know why, they said in the book, and the results are not definitive….but as I read this, I considered self-inquiry on the body and the way a change in perception of what is can change the way we feel.

So what changed first when I did inquiry; my own mind and what it expected to see…or the actual body part I was looking at with disdain or upset?

Because regularly, throughout my life, I’ve had a few stressful thoughts about the body and what the eyes are seeing.

It happened again the other day, as a matter of fact.

I’m walking along the beach, happy as a clam, thinking about my friends, my clients, all the people I hear from on email, and the pretty weather, and the bulbous clouds, and hearing the sounds, and feeling the space of being on vacation and having no real plans…and then….

I glimpse at my reflection in the bungalow office window and immediately see nine things wrong with my image. And I could probably find more if I spent sixty more seconds thinking about it.

  1. tank top does not match skirt–where’s the color chart!
  2. feet are peeling and ugly and unfeminine, and these flip-flops are pretty ugly and worn out
  3. thighs should be thinner, stomach tighter
  4. jiggly butt, not firm enough, should be pure muscle
  5. hair color too orange, especially in this bright light…covering the gray is not exactly working “naturally”
  6. facial skin too wrinkled around the outer lips, like the cheeks are drooping to Texas
  7. same exact earrings since I left town…which by the way do not match the tank-top OR the skirt at all
  8. vein on left side of neck is huge, as usual since I first noticed it around age 19
  9. couple back on beach having wedding pictures taken, bride in pink and white, looked young, glorious and beautiful…those days are pretty much over for me

It used to be that these kinds of speedy images were very serious. I would then start in on solving these problems, or feel discouraged.

With a vengeance.

Time for Basic Training! Make a plan! Exercise More! CHANGE THE IMAGE IN THE MIRROR through doing stuff.

But since I’ve done The Work and questioned my thinking and very perception of this kind of stuff, and reading about this mirror therapy idea, I know the mind can change completely…the response to what it sees can change completely.

Eyes open, eyes closed, it doesn’t matter.

Who would we be if we didn’t believe the image truly meant something bad? What if we could allow the mind to look, and keep looking, and not turn away in horror or disappointment… but to let it wait and really look.

What if we just added a wee tad bit of an open-hearted, accepting attitude? Like we were listening to our best friend say how ugly she felt that morning, and we looked and saw only absolute beauty, even if yes, we agree that she has more wrinkles than she had twenty years ago.

Maybe we’d get used to this body and the images our mind apparently sees, and the feeling of being against what we see might subside.

What if you came from another planet and you didn’t know what a “perfect” body part was supposed to look like? What if you never learned about wrinkling skin being horrifying, or mis-matching apparel?

When I think about who I would be without the thought that any of those speedy quick images MEAN anything….wow. It would all be a big mumbo-jumbo potpourri of creative and changing pictures.

And the pictures would be fun, interesting, fascinating, intriguing, beautiful, ugly, and it wouldn’t matter…it’s just not that freakin’ serious, or real.

Then, you would be someone who lives without believing the thought that you need to change anything about your body in order to be deeply happy.

“It’s helpful to realize that this body that we have, this very body that’s sitting here right now on this shrine room floor……and this mind that we have at this very moment, are exactly what we need to be fully human, fully awake, and fully alive.”~Pema Chodron 

That means THIS body, with the big neck vein and the growing facial lines and jiggling areas….and the body that got cancer, is exactly what I need to be fully human, fully awake, and fully alive.

Turning it all around, I see the flash of images, in my head or in the mirror, and hold them all in my mind instead of brushing them aside and I LOOK….and everything that once seemed alarming now looks beautiful and sweet….or neutral.

Even the huge scar on my leg from removing a tumor.

So here’s an exercise for us all: try staring at something you think of as ugly or awful, and see what happens. Especially if you decide to bekind (hint: this is the turnaround)…you might be surprised.

You might see yourself as not so ugly….maybe gorgeous. Or at the very least, you will see what you are thinking about your appearance with clarity, and you can question it more completely.

Later, looking at myself in a mirror as I entered the bathroom to brush my teeth, I was startled to see how cute, attractive and appealing that image in the mirror looked.

What a cute smile! What an adorable person! That’s ME!

I guess, somehow, it’s what my mind expected so BOOM there it was…after questioning my thoughts of ugliness and decline.

If you’re ready to do inquiry, and do your mirror therapy, starting with this body you have, then come to Breitenbush. Last chance to register! We gather together in only one month!

Love, Grace

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Are You Just A Body?

Last Sunday evening I was in a small discussion group, all of us with our bag dinners. Plus pizza.

The topic was, in a nutshell, “who am I?”

A question asked by many spiritual teachers and scientists and psychologists over the centuries.

Once when I was on meditation retreat with Adyashanti, I went up to the microphone to talk with him.

After a rambling few words, Adya stopped me and said “Quick…without thinking…before you even analyze it…answer this question really fast and tell me what your answer is. But remember, don’t think about it, just tell me what you first instantly come up with!”

I agreed.

Then he said “OK, ready?”

Yes. Ready. Give it to me.

“Who are you?”

Oh jeez, not that question. I hate that question! I’ve been asking myself that question for years and don’t have a definitive answer. That question drives me CRAZY!!

But this time, I had to speak what I saw/felt/went with BEFORE I started thinking about it.

I saw wide, vast, empty open space. Like the view from an airplane, only without the plane.

“Great! OK then!” he replied.

That was it? I returned to my seat.

But it set off some kind of openness to being much more than “me” or this body or this personality. Without having to have an absolute ANSWER.

Maybe the answer for me was…”I don’t know”. And that was a good answer.

Last Sunday several of the participants in that discussion were puzzling about what the body is, if there is such a strong sense of vast space, or consciousness that is completely beyond the body, when it comes to all that we are.

The body seems to be there, every day. Basically the same one, although it has lots of changes over time, so its not really the same one.

A man who was a scientist spoke up, and everyone could tell he was very agitated. He said that of course he was this body, and that when it died, that was the end of him….that there was nothing more and anyone was a fool to think otherwise. You live, you die.

He was triggered, he said he would never come back to a discussion group like this again! He really seemed afraid, angry.

My heart went out to him. It brings on depression, fear, stress, and tension to judge that All This is the body, and that it is limited, useless and meaningless.

“The body is a physical form that shares the destiny of all forms: impermanence and ultimately decay. Equating the sense-perceived body that is destined to grow old, wither and die, with “I” always leads to suffering sooner or later.”~ Eckhart Tolle 

When I believe that who I am is my body, this machine, this living thing…and that’s it….then I can find that frightening.

But if I am not identified with the body, then it doesn’t matter if I have illness, or injury, or weakness, or vulnerability…..or beauty or strength, either.

I know that I am a part of something bigger….even if its very simple, just life on the planet, life energy.

Not that complicated. Birth, death, birth, death. All is well.

“When we know we’re going to die, when we really get that, in that moment we realize that we’re not in control. And then we get to watch. We get to watch this beautiful way of it. And love it. And not miss our own death.”~Byron Katie 

Who are you, besides a body? It’s OK not to know exactly.

In fact, not knowing may set you free into joy. Exciting!

Much love, Grace

P.S. Almost full! Come to Breitenbush Hot Springs to question your identification with the body. Find out what’s left when what you think is true….isn’t.

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Time For Work On The Body

We have only a few spots left in our fabulous retreat at Breitenbush Hot Springs Spa and Resort in eastern Oregon, USA.

We will do The Work of Byron Katie on THE BODY.

It’s a big topic. It ranges from smallish criticism and petty ideas….all the way to terror around death and pain.

My personal story is one of near suicidal despair and anger about my eating disorder (bulimia with a two-year anorexic stint) and my violent and unhappy relationship with having a body, eating food, and self-acceptance.

I also had a little illness called cancer.

My amazing and kind co-leader, Susan Grace Beekman (yes, we both are bear the name Grace…we think this is a good sign, maybe) has had her own journey of self-discovery through the body and now looks deeply at pain, aging and bum-knees, using inquiry.

Susan Grace has also been visited by the thought “I should be thinner” in earlier years in her life.

The relationship with the body has profound similarities to the relationship with the universe, with our relationship to our lives.

We seem to be housed in this unique envelope, called a body. And yet, everyone else has one that is generally pretty similar.

Separate, yet One.

Our look at these bodies and what we think of them offer beautiful learning about how our own minds and perceptions work.

What is this mind that is aware of this body?

What is so upsetting about the faults and vulnerabilities of this body here, or that body over there?

Investigating the experience of the body, whether sickness, injury, permanent change, aging, weight, or worry can lead to great freedom…if you’re ready to question what you’re thinking.

We have wonderful and thoughtful exercises planned, for clearly identifying what you really believe, for facing the endless chatter or terrible fear about your body.

We will dive into The Work and inquire. We will learn from each other.

Even if you have no experience in self-inquiry, or with The Work of Byron Katie, you will learn to do it well on this topic of the body.

Even though we’re nearly full, we’re extending the early registration deadline to May 15th, 2013 for the tuition portion of this retreat.

Check out everything HERE. You have to call Breitenbush to register, only by phone. This intriguing resort is deep in the mountains, no internet, no cell connection. It is time for rejuvenation, deep internal work, close contact with supportive people in the journey into yourself and your own thinking. Call 503-854-3320.

Much love, Grace

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The Upside of Death

Many people wrote me yesterday to ask details about the Death Class. Several requests for evening led me to schedule it for Thursdays starting March 7 – April 11, 2013 from 6:15 – 7:45 pm Pacific time. Click HERE to register for it.

I am also having fun calling it the Death Class (and don’t worry, we will talk about Pain and Sickness as well!). But it sure makes me laugh to say that I’m teaching a Death Class.

Bringing humor to death and dying has been something we humans have brought to existence throughout the ages, especially since writing, books, theater and poetry.

Maybe even cave men joked around about death. Ug and Thug pretending they fell off a cliff or got gored by a rhino, rolling around laughing.

We will all say that Death and Dying are so serious….and yet, it’s quite amazing to find that often, there are sparks of laughter in the middle of the “end” of someone’s life.

Many years ago, my father was at the end of his. His four daughters, and all of our boyfriends or new husbands at the time, my mother, and my father’s best friend, had all been keeping vigil in my parent’s bedroom for several days.

The last round of chemo in the hospital had come to an end. There was no other possible treatment. It was over. They had sent my father home to die.

My childhood house was filled with people bringing over food. A priest came and gathered for awhile with my sisters and I in our parent’s home, where we all had grown up.

One of my father’s dearest friends called him from Africa. Another flew from across the country to visit my dad for 2 hours, dressed in a business suit, and then returned to the airport to fly away again.

And then came the actual Last Day of my father’s life on the planet.

The people he really loved and cherished were all surrounding him. My mother shared photo albums from their wedding, everyone was in their (fortunately) very large bedroom sitting in chairs, lying on the floor, lying on my parents big bed.

We sang lullabies as we listened to my father breathe. He lay on a special hospital-type bed. The day was a very dark November afternoon with drizzling gray skies outside.

All afternoon we talked in hushed voices about all kinds of things, stretched our stiff necks, went to the bathroom, or would go sit by my father’s bed. Maybe someone would cry softly and we would sit with our arms around each other for a minute.

As all the light faded and darkness came, someone lit more candles. The door opened and closed and people placed a tray of sandwiches on my parent’s dresser.

And then the breathing stopped.

Suddenly, everyone sat up on alert. Everyone who was more than 2 feet away came to my father’s side. We all gathered close and touched him, his shoulders, arms, legs, feet.

We looked at each other, holding our own breath. My mother uttered a cry of great grief. We all began to weep.

And then my father took another breath.

Every single person in that room suddenly burst out laughing. There were no words, there were tears and laughing, and laughing….

And then listening, and waiting, and a long, long pause…

All the laughter fading to a hush, and then listening, and silence, silence.

And then we all knew, simultaneously, that really WAS the last breath, that last one.

And THEN the tears flowed and everyone sobbed. My forehead was resting on my father’s arm and I was holding his hand with my own, and I felt it grow cold. As I cried, I was amazed with this recognition of something I had heard about, the body having no more heat.

And strangely, that laughter did not feel very different from the grief that poured out. At all.

All of it felt like the truth, like love.

“The Tao is like the Great Mother: empty yet inexhaustible, it gives birth to infinite worlds. It is always present within you. You can use it any way you want.”~Tao Te Ching #6

We’re all in the Death Class. Amazing and Beautiful, containing the funniest and the most serious of it all.

Love, Grace

Learn About Teleclasses Here 

Click here to register for the Pain, Sickness and Death Class!

  • Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Mondays, February 4-April 1, 2013, 7:30 – 9:00 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. No class March 4th.
  • Pain, Sickness and Death: Making Friends With The Worst That Happens In Life. Thursdays, March 7 – April 11, 2013. 6:15 – 7:45 pm. 6 weeks $295. 
  • Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven: Working With Painful Hate, Anger, Fury, Despair, Grief, or Disappointment With Someone You Know; Spouse, Mother, Sibling, Father, Daughter, Son, Boss, Neighbor, Friend. Fridays, March 29-May 17, 2013 8:00 am – 9:30 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.     
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Oh Goody! It’s Pain, Sickness and Death

It’s here, it’s here! The teleclass on Pain, Sickness and Death!!!

Kind of funny thing to announce with exclamation points, right?

We humans make a lot of jokes about death, getting old, getting sick, and going through very tough physical pain. We often joke about it because it’s so uncomfortable, so serious, and so incredibly difficult.

These things seem threatening. For real!

Feeling acute pain or chronic pain that doesn’t seem to end….having your best friend get terminal cancer…a child dying unexpectedly, or a parent…facing your own imminent death…

These are the experiences encountered in life that can bring the greatest suffering.

With great loss or shock, disease or physical difficulty, many of us think we can’t get through it….like it will actually be so painful emotionally that our lives will be ruined.

I once met a woman who had three boys who were all killed. I had the thought “how could she live through that?” 

But of course, we do live through the deaths of people who are very close to us. There this woman was, right in front of me, living beyond her three sons.

Just THINKING about pain, sickness and death can produce the feelings of horror, or dread. Nothing has even happened yet, and we’re freaking out because of the pictures in our minds.

Turning and facing to look at all this, head-on, is not always pleasant. But sometimes, when the anxiety gets too strong, there’s no other way to go except to dive into the biggest fear.

As it turns out, when you look at the process of being human on this planet, it is not truethat parents should die before their children. It is not true that people shouldn’t get cancer. It is not true that people shouldn’t get in car accidents. It is not true that people shouldn’t have terrible pain in some area of their body day after day.

Because those things happen. All the time.

I figure, as Byron Katie has suggested all these years, you can either argue with What Is and suffer, or question your thinking.

How could that terrible horrible worst thing happening actually be OK? How can I accept it? How can I be comfortable with it? How can I stop worrying?

I have found that the way to stop worrying and being so upset…is to find out what I’m most afraid of, most against, and bring it to self-inquiry.

  • It’s sad that I have a limited time on the planet
  • Getting cancer is terrible
  • It’s wrong and horrible when children die
  • I need my leg to stop hurting
  • Something terrible is going to happen
  • Being young is better than being old

The mind will have a field day delivering horror-show images.

What if we can question and contemplate everything though….these very worst, worst experiences we’ve encountered, the things we most fear?

What if we could find peace right in the middle of mayhem, anxiety, or endings?

“The whole notion of death is a beautiful and very potent spiritual awakener….Even the very idea of death takes away everything we’re identified with. The body will go, thoughts will go, imagination will go….death takes it all away. For the mind, this is terrifying! But if you just imagine body gone, mind gone, feelings gone, memories gone…what’s left?….Death takes everything away except what’s essential.”~Adyashanti

As I turnaround all my thoughts about death, sickness, pain, accidents…all those “bad” things that can happen to a body….I find a foundation of peace that is startling. I think it’s been here the whole time, I just didn’t see it before with all the layers of fear piled on top.

  • It’s awesome that I have a limited time on the planet..what, I want to be special and stay endlessly?
  • Getting cancer is fantastic. It made me slow down, pay attention, rest, actually stop worrying…every day a gift.
  • It’s not wrong or horrible when children die. They don’t ever have to go through all the crap older people do, they are innocent, they don’t think it’s their fault.
  • I don’t need my leg to stop hurting. I’m breathing, walking…learning about pain.
  • Something wonderful is going to happen…wow, bring it on! It’s OK if it’s over.
  • Being old is better than being young, if that’s what you are. This body is incredible, it’s being the perfect servant taking me to the end zone slowly but surely.

“I see life and death as equal. Reality is good; so death must be good, whatever it is, if it’s anything at all.”~Byron Katie

If you’re ready to question your fears about the worst case scenarios….join me on Tuesday mornings starting 2/12. We’ll look at the experience of feeling physical pain, with awareness of illness and malady, and of course the top favorite….death.

I’d love company along this crazy upside-down journey of opening to what’s apparently difficult, in discovering what’s true.

Love, Grace

 

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I Really Should Be Thinner

Not all you wonderful readers have had the privilege of hearing some of my beliefs about cellulite, wrinkles, aching knees, loose skin or gas.

Doh! So unspiritual! So unenlightened! So superficial, ridiculous, silly, petty, childish, and stupid!

What…me? I would NEVER have a thought about such trivial occurrences as these. I would never have stressful beliefs about thinness or jiggling body parts.

It only used to run my whole life practically, starting around age 14. And occasionally these kinds of thoughts pop back by for a visit.

I needed to be thinner, smoother, less bumpy, tighter, more muscular, stronger, defined, angular. And never smell bad, either.

A wonderful inquirer reminded me the other day that many people walk around thinking that they need to be thinner, several times a day or more, and that it is very stressful.

It’s almost as if we believe it would suck if we didn’t have the thought that something needs to change. Because then, we’d be wallowing in a pile of passivity, non-motivation, and apathy. Resigned, not trying. Never getting there. And fat. Or certainly not thin enough.

Pain Makes Gain. Right? I feel pain when I look in the mirror, or I feel stuffed after a meal and nauseated, or I have a god-awful hangover…and this pain slaps me around and makes me want to wake up and do something different. That pain gives me motivation to CHANGE…..right?

Well, have you noticed how many times you’ve thought mean, nasty, ugly thoughts about yourself and your condition or situation? But no change happened?

If it WORKED to be self-critical, then it seems like it would have gotten you skinny by now, or sober, or successful, or rich.

Oh. Right.

There is another way. And it’s not “positive thinking” either. Because that would just be a fakey, rah-rah, cheerleading sort of approach which still assumes that you need to be pumped up and LOVE yourself to get somewhere. To get thin.

The greatest doorway to freedom for me has been, instead of condemning myself to long-term punishment, to look with depth at what I am really thinking repeatedly and finding out what is going on in those moments.

This is gettin’ down and dirty with the ugly, immature, stupid beliefs.

The belief “I should be thinner” can be mildly annoying or really sickeningly painful and very, very old.

Let’s look at it. First of all, can you absolutely know that it’s true? YES YES YES!! Screams from the balcony, the stadium, your family, your mirror, your grandparents, all the way from Hollywood! OMG of COURSE you should be thinner, are you kidding me?!!

Really ask again. I mean, in the big scheme of things beyond all this, can you know without a doubt that right now you should be thinner? You may still answer yes. That’s good….you thought about it for real, instead of just assuming it’s true.

You see how you react when you believe this thought: irritable, you make dieting plans, you despair of dieting plans, you try to ignore the thought, you hate yourself, you’re disgusted, you try to forget about it, you say “it’s not THAT bad”, you consider yourself superficial, you get tired just thinking about what you would have to do to get there. Starve and exert more energy.

And then…who would you be without the thought in your mind at all? Like other parts of the day when you’re not even thinking about it? Maybe you would notice that there are some other disturbing thoughts present. Some big ones that feel a little more foreboding.

You might notice that you could ask yourself a little more deeply WHY you should be thinner. I mean, what’s the problem here?

I should be thinner because then…WHY? My lover will stay with me, my spouse will never leave me, my friends will admire me, my boss and co-workers will be amazed by me, everyone will be attracted to me, my health will be superb, I won’t have “x” disease, I will feel fabulous, I will get more sex, I will have more energy, I will be more successful, I will make more money, I will be more secure, I will look stronger and younger which means people will find me appealing, I will stop having to think about this. Ever.

Phew. That’s a lot to put on thinness.

When we turn the thought around it becomes: my THINKING should be thinner….I mean really. I’ve believed that thinness meant so very much, the thinking has been thick and profuse and chaotic and fast. Yes, my thinking should slow down, relax and thin itself out.

Another turnaround is: I should NOT be thinner, I should be just the size I am. What if you allowed everything to be about your body, right now? What if you closed your eyes and just felt this body, and treated it kindly, without looking at it or caring how it turned out? Isn’t that what we all really want? Total freedom?

“I once worked with a woman in Jerusalem. Her religion was ‘I should have thin thighs’; she thought that’s what would give her what she wanted in life. She was the cutest! And she just wasn’t willing to do The Work; she couldn’t go inside for an honest answer, because she was terrified that if she answered honestly, she’d end up with fat thighs. She thought she needed fear as a motivation to exercise and eat right. It was obvious she preferred thin thighs to freedom.”~Byron Katie

When I began to realize that I don’t, in fact, actually care if I am thin or fat or round or sharp-edged…and what I really really want is the truth….then I became free to live in peace. To not grab for things when I’m not hungry (that isn’t the truth) and not force myself NOT to eat when I AM hungry (that isn’t the truth).

Simply being gentle with myself, moment to moment, at meals, with food, eating, tasting, smelling, hunger, fullness, slowing down. Not panicking or judging it as wrong. Waiting, breathing. Questioning other painful, difficult beliefs. Knowing I can “live” through any troubling or strong emotion.

I discovered what I used to believe thinness was going to bring me: love, joy, fun, pleasure, admiration, approval. Only all of these, already here. For myself. Whatever the weight.

The wonderful news is: you don’t have to be in 100% all-out full blown joy, love, pleasure and approval ALL THE TIME to be free from the burden of thinking about your weight.

All you need is a tiny drop of inquiry, willingness to drop your religion about the body and its appearance, and you will gently wake up.

That mundane, stupid, ridiculous series of beliefs about thinness that I had for years and years? They were my path to freedom.

“When they believe their thoughts, people divide reality into opposites. They think that only certain things are beautiful. But to a clear mind, everything in the world is beautiful in its own way.”~Byron Katie

If you want to take a closer look, come to a weekend in Seattle in January on questioning your judgments about food and your appearance….or come to Breitenbush Hotsprings next June 2013. Maybe it’s time to end this war?

Love, Grace

Horrible Food Wonderful Food Weekend In-Person Intensive Seattle January 12-13, 2013 Saturday 10 – 5:30, Sunday 1:30-5:30. $215. To register click HERE now and then send me an email grace@workwithgrace.com.

Mark your calendar for Breitenbush, the end of June 2013! We will be looking at all aspects of what we consider to be flaws in the body, and Un-doing our beliefs about them. Stay tuned if you’d like to join me and Susan Grace Beekman from June 26-30, 2013. You can change your internal beliefs about what you think bodies should be like….and change your entire experience of being in yours.

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This Body Takes Away My Peace

Byron Katie has said some pretty radical things about bodies….namely “a peaceful mind doesn’t care about a body.”

Not care about my body? Really?

People have many different levels of care about their bodies…some are very concerned, some have grave illness, some have constant pain, some have terrible injuries, some have head colds or back aches.

The trick with powerful quotes like Katie’s is NOT to read it and then jump immediately to why you are so wrong to have thought of your body during your life so often, and with such passion, with anger or criticism or concern.

All those cures, methods, doctors, practitioners, diets, medicines, tinctures, massages, specialists…they are all part of the path you’re on, a relationship you have with this thing called a body.

Some people get to meet many people who are healers of various body conditions, and some people do not. But everyone has body ailments of one kind or another before they exit their bodies for good. Everyone gets a body that dies sooner or later.

For some people, a strategy for dealing with the body is to pay as little attention as possible to it. I don’t think Katie is speaking of this kind of not caring.

You won’t become peaceful if you decide “fine, I won’t care about my body ever again, I will ignore it!”

But there is some place we all can become aware of that is beyond thoughts of the body, removed from these kinds of thoughts, different. We all have this inside us already. We all touch into this part of us many times a day, in fact. We sleep, have a conversation, read, think, discover, watch a movie, look, hear, rest, work. There is space in between thoughts of the body.

It’s the kind of Not Caring that I like to say is just Not Minding what happens. Those moments when I really don’t mind, I’m actually OK…I don’t know, I don’t have answers, but I couldn’t dream of figuring This all out.

“When you believe you are this body, you stay limited, small, apparently encapsulated as one separate form. So every thought has to be about your survival or your comfort or your pleasure, because if you let up for a moment, there would be no body-identification.”~Byron Katie

When we have something hurting, something painful…then thoughts of the body can appear to be more frequent, more intense. A problem is believed to be present, and boy howdy does the mind loves to solve problems!

Eckhart Tolle has said that when working with illness, the first and most important thing is becoming aware that YOU are not YOUR BODY. So, you are not “a sick person”. That is not what you actually are…not all of who you are.

You don’t need to actually even think of yourself as a sick person…and it is possible to focus on well-being, even when you don’t feel good. It may sound simple, but it’s not easy when you’re afraid or in pain.

“Choose to direct your attention to well-being rather than illness. As far as pain is concerned…don’t let the mind start also to complain about the pain. Don’t resist pain. Don’t create psychological pain on top of physical pain…..You CAN accept a situation that usually would be thought of as unacceptable….but not everybody is ready to hear this.”~Eckhart Tolle

Well-being, beauty, quiet, taking a deep breath, waiting, nature, art, music is all around. Moving your attention towards what is gentle in your environment, what you are drawn towards, what you like, even just a tiny bit.

The good news is that life goes the way it goes, and there’s no arguing with it. It’s the way of it. It’s actually OK no matter what you do, whether you find something around you that is without pain, whether you complain or don’t complain.

“None of us is ever OK, but we all get through everything just fine.”~Pema Chodron

It just may be a little easier, maybe a TON easier, if you relax and stop fighting this body situation. Not giving up with despair, just seeing what it’s like to be without the thought that you have a body that is sick or hurt, or fat or ugly. Giving up attack.

No longer against what is.

Love, Grace

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Not Enough Too Much Painful Cycle

First, I’m adding an evening class of Horrible Food Wonderful Food (Pacific time) for Tuesdays 6:00 – 7:30 pm. Write me grace@workwithgrace.com if you’re interested.

Working with a troubling relationship like “food” and eating can be very tricky. It’s similar to other substances like smoking, drinking, using drugs in the way it feels hard to stop using it in the way we do. We consume, take it in, ingest it when we don’t like the way we are feeling or thinking.

The difference between food and other consumable items is that we apparently need to eat to keep the body alive. So we HAVE to face this relationship daily.

When it’s a very addictive, agonizing relationship that triggers a lot of emotion, then it’s like having a neighbor who is mean, angry, critical….or sad, depressed, suicidal…that you see on and off all day long. And maybe all evening or all night long, too.

It’s a troubling encounter, almost every time you meet.

The thing is, this difficult neighbor, this relationship with food, needs to be invited in for tea. I found I had to make friends with it—there was just no other way.

It is not easy to do that with an entity that feels so vicious, powerful, enraged, condemning, and unpredictable.

But of course, it is our THINKING that is spinning off in all these directions, with lots of uncomfortable feelings following all the thoughts that are going a thousand miles per hour.

The way I found the most peace around food was to do the following, which I did not plan out…it was not a strategy or anything I was forcing myself to do. It was what I most desired, so I was drawn to it:

  1. Stop every plan or diet (they never worked permanently anyway) that categorized and listed foods as “good” or “bad” or had measurements or time on the clock for eating.
  2. Accept my emotions, fears, terrors, loneliness, fury, grief as part of being alive, not that it meant something was wrong with me.
  3. Never give up believing that I could be normal with food and eating.

This can also be done with smoking, using drugs, drinking, or any other compulsive addictive behavior, something you don’t love doing but you can’t seem to give up.

For any behavior you notice that you engage in, but you don’t really like the outcome, Step #1 above becomes STOP making a plan for tomorrow or “the rest of your life”.

In the moment when you feel like doing the thing that you know doesn’t work in a permanent way (eat, smoke, drink, watch porn, over-exercise, shop, gamble) see if you can find out what exactly is so intolerable about THIS moment, now.

I found that I thought of my feelings as unbearable (Step #2 above). I was furious, heartsick, grief-stricken, scared, feeling trapped.

I hated feeling strong feelings so much that I believed I must get away from them, alter them, suppress them, attack them and destroy them.

So really, working with addiction, whatever it is you do to escape, starts with allowing this experience of feeling, being alive, and having that mean neighbor. It’s allowed to be the way it is. Leave it alone. Let this moment be here.

I still have strong feelings. Huge big feelings that seem overwhelming. I don’t necessarily like having them all the time, but I don’t round them up and send them to a concentration camp to be annihilated.

Big feelings are allowed here. What you are angry about, scared of, confused, or frustrated by is OK.

You are not terrible, unusual, missing something, unworthy, wrong, or stupid.

When starting to look at all the beliefs about food and eating that we’ve ever had, about bodies and weight-loss and weight-gain and fat people and skinny people….we begin to see what we thought was true might not be true at all.

When we have big painful feelings, we can invite them in and write down what we are most bothered by. We can be willing, open, curious to see what this terrible experience is all about.

Even if you just ate a gallon of ice cream.

“Whether you are aware of it or not, self-centered thoughts are polluting everything you do. Inquiry is just noticing that, so that the true quietness of who you really are can be realized.”~ Scott Kiloby

You are not “self-centered” really. Maybe you believe you are, and you believe this is very bad. You believe you are not spiritual and there is something greedy and disgusting about you. At least that’s what I used to think constantly when I overate.

But this is only your mind, working out things by “thinking”. It’s doing it’s job.

“The mind exists in a state of ‘not enough’ and so is always greedy for more. When you are identified with mind, you get bored and restless very easily. Boredom means the mind is hungry for more stimulus, more food for thought, and its hunger is not being satisfied. When you feel bored, you can satisfy the mind’s hunger by picking up a magazine, making a phone call, switching on the TV, surfing the web, going shopping, or — and this is not uncommon — transferring the mental sense of lack and its need for more to the body and satisfy it briefly by ingesting more food.” Eckhart Tolle

See today if you find you have a compulsive urge to do something if you can wait 60 seconds before you do it. Yes, that short.

While you are waiting, see if you can write one sentence down that is a reason you are suffering in this moment. What is happening here that is painful?

“Practice not-doing, and everything will fall into place.”~ Tao te Ching #3

If you’re ready to look at what you believe about food, hunger, and bodies…come join the teleclass that starts Tuesdays, either morning or evening, Pacific time.

Teleclasses also begin soon on Money, Work and Business, Our Wonderful Sexuality, and Turning Relationship Heaven to Hell. All using Inquiry to find out what we’re thinking that builds stress….and dissolving our stress by answering questions about what is really true.

Love, Grace

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That Annoying Person Should Change

There are many spiritual and philosophical traditions that encourage humans to “take responsibility” for themselves.

What does this actually mean? I am “taking” the blame, duty, liability, charge, burden, accountability for my life for myself.

The word “taking” shows that I could leave responsibility out there on another person, events, the weather, my parents, the way I grew up…..in fact it’s almost like that’s where responsibility naturally is perceived to be—out there. That’s why I have to take it.

The odd thing is, in doing The Work or any form of self-inquiry, in reading many spiritual traditions and teachings, the more we take responsibility for our lives, the more there seems to be a murky line about where I end and the rest of the world begins.

In fact, I begin to see how wherever I go, whatever I see, whomever I’m interacting with…..there I am, present right in that situation. It’s like I’m a part of the universe all the time, everywhere.

(This reminds me of Dr. Hew Len, teacher of ho’oponopono from an ancient Hawaiian spiritual practice. He told me once during a workshop how he noticed that everywhere he ever went in the world, when there was a problem, there was one common denominator—HE was there).

Debbie Ford wrote a wonderful book called Spiritual Divorce in which she writes about taking full and complete responsibility for her attraction, her marriage, and her divorce with her former husband.

It was a spiritual wake-up call, she says for taking responsibility for herself instead of blaming her partner.

So here I am willing and able to take responsibility for myself and my responses to the universe and the people in it, and I see some people in the world who are annoying, who have personality traits I don’t like or find repulsive.

I write down all the things I find most annoying about them. How I think that person should change. This is my list, on paper, of what is here that is unpleasant that I get to investigate. I expose my judgments. They are there anyway, so might as well admit it and take a look.

  • she is so sugary sweet and laughs way too often
  • she can’t stop talking
  • she is so superficial and talks about really boring things in life
  • she’s very negative, she complains too much
  • she is scared, needy, and clingy
  • I wish she would stop singing, whistling, babbling on

Taking responsibility doesn’t mean I now rip myself to shreds for being judgmental.

I see that annoying person, and I ask myself what is it in ME that is seeing this behavior, those words, that way of being as annoying? Can I watch it and look at it and see what else I’m believing?

I listened recently to Byron Katie doing the Work with a woman who was very annoyed with one of her friends. Katie asks the woman, who would you be without the thought that your friend is boring, negative, fearful, annoying or full of complaints?

Who would I be if I looked, without all the judging? If I didn’t think “I need to get away from her! I need to avoid spending time with her! She’s not that great a friend!”

I would see that this woman is being herself, and when I’m listening to her I’m afraid she will never stop talking. I am scared of her neediness, I’m scared of my own falseness when I see her, and my resistance to her. I think I should be helping out, I should be nicer. I’m afraid to speak up, thinking she will be hurt, and then I will be hurt. I’m stuck. I’m sad that this woman feels so worried, frantic, and makes so much noise. I’m sad she’s not able to relax. I’m sad thatI am not able to relax around her!

I see how this annoying person should not change until I step up and take responsibility for how I feel in her presence. She is showing me what I am scared of in the world, what I think I can’t handle. She is showing me where I forget my sense of humor, compassion, and kindness, which are so much more natural for me than being annoyed.

“You are your only hope, because we’re not changing until you do. Our job is to keep coming at you, as hard as we can, with everything that angers, upsets, or repulses you, until you understand. We love you that much, whether we’re aware of it or not. The whole world is about you.”~Byron Katie 

Love, Grace