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Not Deciding Creates Fourth of July Sparkles

OK so only two days until the Cleanse, the annual program in Los Angeles where Byron Katie works with folks up on stage, and it is about as powerful for those in the audience as those on stage.

I have plane tickets, and room reservations, and my ticket in to the program.

But for those of you who have been following my story, I haven’t actually been sitting much for awhile.

As in, I haven’t been sitting AT ALL. Literally. Like, in a chair or on a couch.

Since my reattachment surgery where they pinned my torn hamstring back to my pelvic sits bone, I am experiencing life with a pain in the ass.

This time, it’s actually true.

Except when I’m lying down. In which case, it’s no longer true.

And the pain is less than half what it was last week.

But about that sitting part. 

One has to “sit” on an airplane, right?

My mind begins to wonder. How is this going to work (or NOT work)? If I try it, will it hurt? Is it worth some pain, and how much pain?

This is the question many ask when they are getting into a new relationship. Or thinking about taking a new job, or quitting a job, or traveling somewhere far away, or starting a new “program” or training or group, or contemplating divorce, or selling their house.

Will it hurt?

The way I once was:

…avoid anything that hurts, feels bad, is scary….go towards anything that feels comforting, easy, safe, good.

Kinda simple, seems logical, basic human survival. Right?

But what if your thoughts are not logical, basic, or simple? What if you have completely opposing thoughts? What if everything you’re operating from is pretty conditioned, or learned, and not necessarily EASY?

Like “climbing this mountain will require a lot of intense physical work” and “intense physical work is boring”.

Or “I won’t do anything that hurts” and “when my heart beats fast and I have adrenaline or I want to cry, that equals feeling HURT”.

Or “I really love the taste of this yummy thing I’m eating” and “it is horrible to have to stop eating when I’m full”.

In these three situations, if both thoughts are running pretty loud and steady, you’ll never go on a mountain climb, you’ll try very hard not to cry or have a quick beating heart, and you’ll feel really conflicted about when to stop eating something tasty.

What I’ve learned with doing The Work over time, is that every single situation is extremely unique, so there is no way to know what will be the best, most ideal, powerful, spirited choice, until you know it.

I’ll show you what I mean.

Here are some of my repetitive thoughts about The Cleanse event that have been swinging by for a short visit, like noticing a ticker-tape in the corner with my thoughts running by on it:

  • I need to decide whether or not to go
  • I hate to waste money by canceling
  • I should take care of myself
  • It will hurt
  • It won’t hurt
  • I don’t want to regret my decision, whatever it is
  • I’ll really miss it if I don’t go

You may have a decision….perhaps an even much bigger one….that has consequences that you’re uncertain about.

Is it true that it could hurt? Is it possible that I’ll have regrets? Will I miss something, whether I go or stay? Could I lose money?

Yes! These appear to be true.

And IF it hurts, or I experience regret ever, or I miss something, or I lose money, or things get rough, or I’m afraid at some point in the future….is any of this TERRIBLE?

Do I need to make sure to avoid all this, whatever it may be, in the future?

No!

How do I react when I believe that I could make the wrong decision, that it might hurt, that I could suffer, that I’ll miss or waste something?

Very careful.

Cautious, closed. I don’t ask questions. I don’t call the airlines and see what my options are. I don’t speak up. I don’t ask myself what will really be right for me, physically, with love, tenderness, and great joy and caring.

I don’t have patience. I want to know NOW what I really can’t know yet, because I don’t.

And who would I be without the thought that I need to decide, I need to know…or without the thoughts that I could feel regret, loss, sadness, or hurt? That I could do it wrong?

Totally and completely relaxed…..and then excited.

Without all these thoughts, I feel like I am my own best friend, and I’ll do what is perfect for me. I’ll get on the phone, I’ll get on the plane or NOT get on the plane.

Without the commands or worries that I should know what it will be like, later, in the future, and make sure it hurts as little as possible (assuming it could) I would feel peace, with this mysterious moment NOW.

I would feel adventurous, willing, looking forward to. I would realize it’s not possible to have regrets when opening to this reality.  

“We know just how everything should be. We have the perfect, though ever-evolving, blueprint of just how things should be at every moment, including the imaginary moments of past and future. And if you look closely and honestly, it’s never like…THIS. We live in an ongoing argument in our heads in order to take our stand as independent entities instead of awareness.” ~ Fred Davis in Beyond Recovery 

I turn my thoughts around and find the opposite to be as truer than my original thinking:

  • I do NOT need to decide whether or not to go, I can look at who this “I” is that supposedly needs to decide
  • I won’t waste money by canceling, I love the money I’ve given already, and actually…I will spend less at home
  • I do take care of myself, I should NOT take care of myself until I do (and calling the airlines is one way I can change), I am taken care of no matter what I think
  • It will hurt and that’s temporary, educational, fascinating
  • It won’t hurt and that’s temporary, educational, fascinating
  • I won’t regret my decision…and if I do I can do The Work
  • I’ll really miss something else if I do go, or perhaps I will miss absolutely nothing

“The Master doesn’t try to be powerful, because she realizes how unnecessary that is. Power doesn’t need a plan. Everything gravitates to it. With each moment, new options are born. It’s like a Fourth of July sparkler: you light it with a match, and sparks fly. Each moment is like that, a new opportunity to be used. If someone says no, the Master sees options as the sparks flying from its center.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy

With love, Grace

P.S. Free guidebook to peaceful eating, is right HERE. You’ll enter your email again, and be added to the Peaceful Eating list along with receiving the new guide in your Inbox.

 

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Bad Neighborhood Becomes Worth The Risk

I love that the very next day after Christmas, whether people were honoring it as a holy holiday or not, most of the participants in the current money class dialed in, same day, same time.

There is nothing like a joining with a group to take the plunge into personal inquiry.

It can seem counter-intuitive to say that gathering with others actually directs you towards your own unique, personal insight…

…you might think instead that a meditation retreat, very quiet uninterrupted time, silence, writing, journaling, thinking, getting away, being completely alone with no distractions…

…these are the elements you might believe would guide you most ultimately into personal awareness.

And yet what were the moments in my own life where I had the biggest lightbulbs turn on?

Telling the absolute truth, as best as I possibly could…and listening to others tell the truth to their greatest capacity…in an environment where EVERYONE could hear!

Being genuine, honest, open. Asking questions, telling what my opinion really is, expressing what’s real.

Today I received the sweetest email.

A man who has his own business said that when he has gathered together with others to share their fears….

….even if reality does not change at all the fears are diminished.

Like going into a dark room, or a bad neighborhood (as Annie Lamott the wonderful author jokes about her own mind), bringing at least one other person along changes the feeling you have about the darkness.

It is still dark, it may still be considered to be a less-than-safe neighborhood…

…but you are excited, curious, loving, trusting, and you may see a light on in the distance and have fun holding the hand of the person you’re with.

If you’re considering a journey together with a group for an whole year, a new group of inquirers will start together on Fridays, January 10th. We meet by skype or phone at 9:00 am for 90 minutes 3 Fridays per month, and there is no requirement to come to Seattle for the two optional retreats (although you’ll love it if you do)!

Join us!

“Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it’s the only thing that ever has.” ~ Margaret Mead

With love,

Grace

P.S. Free guidebook to peaceful eating, is right HERE. You’ll enter your email again, and be added to the Peaceful Eating list along with receiving the new guide in your Inbox.

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No Value, No Motive, No Nothin’ But Your Inquiry

The heart of the big city was bustling even though it was a Saturday morning. I had parked my car on a steep city street nearby that was one of the few spots that allowed longer than 2 hours.

I dressed in business clothing, as the all-weekend meeting I was attending was in a spectacular high-rise full of offices that looked far out over Puget Sound.

I had signed up to attend this intensive training because…..on my own, things weren’t going so well.

I was failing at getting clients for my new practice in steady enough droves that I could survive, I didn’t know how to hustle, I felt determined to succeed.

I have attended many other trainings and programs and workshops, because my favorite thing in the world practically is learning, upgrading, and understanding myself and other humans.

This program involved 12 people getting together once a month for a year, to re-invent ourselves, to grow, to expand, to try on new ideas.

As the lead facilitator of the program said in his opening speech “this program will be for you what you make it” I felt a little nervous.

I remember attending another intensive workshop for writers. In our opening exercise, the leader/teacher told us to write down what our biggest obstacles are to accomplishing the task of writing.

I could see pretty easily what I wanted, and had some good ideas about what held me back:

I am afraid, I need someone to hold my hand the whole time, I can’t trust myself or my own thinking, I can’t make it on my own, I don’t know what to do, I’m not good enough, I need someone to lead me.

I was hoping the program would change me and make me someone who never had uncomfortable thoughts, who knew what to do, and who was good enough.

There is a small possibility of doing The Work with this same “motive”.

This motive says, if I question my thoughts, if I change my mind, if someone treats me with tough love, if someone forces me to go workout at 6 am….

….THEN I’ll no longer be myself, and I’ll no longer suffer.

The problem for me, with that kind of thinking, is that I became a restless seeker for trying things, then changing my mind, then moving on, then ditching.

It was like dieting. It works temporarily, but for a lifetime?

No.

Back then, I would do anything to NOT be me. To get over my “problems”.

The word “motive” is defined in the dictionary as “a reason for doing something, especially that is hidden or not obvious.”

When you believe you MUST change, that your personality or problems are serious, and you’re sure someone out there has the answer for you, then you may find you’re in an endless loop-thinking that is never resolved.

“As soon as the mind pulls out an agenda and decides what needs to change, that’s unreality. Life doesn’t need to decide who’s right and who’s wrong. Life doesn’t need to know the “right” way to go because it’s going there anyway. Then you start to get a hint of why the mind, in a deep sense of liberation, tends to get very quiet. It doesn’t have its job anymore. It has its usefulness, but it doesn’t have its full-time occupation of sustaining an intricately fabricated house of cards.” ~ Adyashanti

Who would I be without the thought that the training or educational programs I’ve enrolled in needed to “change” me?

Without the thought that it’s better to have a degree? Without the thought that I must emulate another different person (not me) in order to find peace? Without the thought that I’m faulty?

Wow! I would feel open to all possibilities. I would be free to come or to go, free to stop hunting for a Quick Fix or a Cure.

I would be drawn to experts and very thrilled at their knowledge and input.  I’d say yes/say no. Any option would work.

I’d be ecstatically, joyfully ME.

No desperation, no expectations, no ideal dream world of the perfect version of ME in the future.

“We think that the point is to pass the test or to overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don’t really get solved. They come together and they fall apart.” ~ Pema Chodron

If you’re ready to join a group for a year (or for an 8 week teleclass) then Year Of Inquiry YOI begins again in January on Fridays at 9-10:30 am Pacific Time.

These are groups of compadres who join together in mutual support and understanding, who practice questioning our thinking, who are open to loving what is, including themselves, for an entire year (2 in-person optional retreats, the rest telesessions).

“Not my words, not my presence, nothing about me is of value to other people….But what people can see, through inquiry, is their own truth. That’s where the value is; that’s what can be experienced when you’re tired of suffering. You can reach out and have that, because it is your very own.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love, Grace

 

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Mysterious Unrepeatable You

Today I am with David Whyte, the beautiful poet.
I can’t wait to share about my time with him!
In honor of the celebration of poetry, unique expression, seeing things anew, being you.…
….whoever or whatever is you, right? Mysterious. Precious. Unrepeatable.
I celebrate the poetry that you, alone, are.
Much love,
Grace
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Stressful Money Head Case Thinking

Wow, thank you so very much to everyone who came to the telesession on Money yesterday morning.

If the conference was full when you tried to connect, fear not. You can listen (and watch) the whole thing right HERE.

If you follow along on the recording, you may find insights into your own thinking about money that you had not seen before. As you listen, you can get out your pen and paper and write with the prompts….and listen to other people’s answers.

It’s amazing how simply taking time to sit still to examine beliefs offers awareness. Often, I have had to enlist guidance of others to help me stay still and focus.

That busy, quick mind just loves to bounce and skip around to multiple stressful thoughts and situations….too many to actually inquire into! Tricky mind!

So, having you all come together is beyond inspiring, loving and supportive. I can’t say enough about this vital element of group connection and focus for successfully questioning the mind!

When I was nearly out of money, had been using my credit card to pay my mortgage, and was frantically looking for a job….

….with only a small amount of funds left in my bank account, I set aside $300 and hired a facilitator of The Work.

It almost seemed like a dumb idea. Didn’t I need that money to buy groceries?

This woman I contacted had a few people who she offered facilitation to, in her busy schedule, at a donation/sliding scale fee. I asked her if she could meet with me for ten sessions for that small amount.

She said yes.

Her name is Martha Creek, and I’m forever grateful for her kind, humorous, direct facilitation.

I had so many thoughts, such anxiety, waves of panic, and terrible images that I couldn’t sit still long enough all by myself to do The Work (I could have questioned that…but at the time, it did not seem true that I could sit still).

One night, I dialed the phone for her number, feeling somewhat hopeless and lost about what else I could question. We were having our 7th session together.

The lights were turned out for both my children. I had the entire night ahead of me, and I really wanted to sleep for some of it, instead of staying awake fretting about how to get more money.

I went into my bedroom and shut the door.

I wasn’t entirely sure The Work was working…and yet, something kept me at it.

I knew in my heart that my thoughts were dictating my reality. I knew my thoughts were so freaked out, I couldn’t see clearly. I also knew that I wanted to know the Truth, not demand that my life go the way I thought best.

Martha asked me to describe a little more what my greatest fear was if I did not somehow secure some money, or an income, SOON.

What would really, really happen then?

I would go live with my mother. She had a house big enough for me to move into her basement. I would move there with my children. She was completely open to this, she had said so.

“You are always welcome in my home if you can’t make it on your own,” she had told me several months before.

I thought of this as a terrible, horrific failure. How could a woman in her 40s, newly divorced, move in with her MOTHER? How awful, how devastating, what a loser, I had thought.

Through my work that night, I questioned my thinking that this was the worst thing that could ever happen when it came to having no money.

“What would be the benefits to moving into your mom’s house?” Martha asked.

Woah. Benefits? Seriously?

I waited. I knew they had to be there, in this world of duality. Nothing is ever 100% terrible.

That night, because Martha stayed with me in a way that I couldn’t stay there for myself, I found the opportunity I would have for being close to my mom, for resolving little anxieties I had about being with her all the time.

I saw how fun it might be to share a cozy room with my two kids. I delighted in thinking of being in a different location and exploring new streets, new shops, new sidewalks.

Maybe all was well. Maybe relying on others was not the disaster I thought.

In the telesession about Money yesterday, several people identified this same troubling belief….

….that relying on others around anything to do with Money is horrible, and necessary, at the same time.

What if you drop the “horrible” part?

Years later now, I look back at that time that I worked so hard on money, and know that something shifted for me dramatically during that session on moving in with my mother.

I stopped being afraid of what would happen next.

I called up my mom the very next day and said “Wow, mom, what would it really be like for you if I moved in? What would you need and want? I’d like to tell you what I would need and want. Instead of feeling like a failure…maybe it would be a success! What do you think, mom?”

We had one of the best conversations we had about money and the little intricacies of living together that we ever had. Honest communication.

Not long after this, my new boyfriend gave me what he called the Birthday Bucket, a donation of money, for my birthday, from people all over the world who knew me. People I hadn’t seen in years even.

(More on that story in a past Grace Note HERE if you want to read that story.)

That donation carried me through another entire month of expenses. During that month, I got a job.

I never had to move in with my mother.

But I’m positive, it would have been OK had it gone that way. I wouldn’t have been a failure.

That was all in my head.

If you’d like to do some in-depth work on money, earning, promoting yourself (if you’re in business or even if you’re looking for a job) then come join me on Thursdays, for 8 weeks, to do The Work on Money with a small group.

We meet 8 – 9:30 am Pacific Time. Click HERE to sign up, or hit reply and write me if you have a question.

Tortures of Obsessive Thinking About Money Gone                                              “Can I really take a class on earning money and have the tortures of of my obsessive thinking about it let go, even a little? Eight weeks later, the answer turns out to be, yes!    
What I am taking away from our work together, is that my source of support does not come from black scratchings on a piece of (bank statement) paper. My bed rock of support is already here, within and without, all around me. Thanks for the thought provoking questions, blog posts and your own findings through out the class.” ~ JD, Money Teleclass Participant   

With Love, Grace

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Can You Feel Harmony Without That Thing You Want?

All this waiting to hear about surgery! I can’t stand it! 

Ha ha! Because of course I can, the evidence is clear that I AM standing it.

(For those of you who haven’t heard…my right hamstring was torn and it has to be pinned back to the pelvic bone).

It will be a few weeks before I’m going under the knife…I’ll keep you posted.

Meanwhile, besides the astonishing discovery that there is a leg, and a hamstring that is apparently disconnected from the bone, there are lots of other exciting thoughts of DISCONNECTION streaming through the mind.

A woman not long ago came to me, worried about her failed relationships…one after the other…and now she was once again single.

This is not an uncommon thought, that someone feels disconnected from partnership, intimacy, love, abundance.

When someone is apparently “single” all sorts of thoughts enter that can be painful and troubling, depending on your situation.

We looked at what this woman was thinking and believing that was painful, besides the obvious thought “I need a boyfriend.”

Why?

  • a partner will bring me happiness, security, joy, laughter
  • not having a partner means I’m doing something wrong
  • if I had a boyfriend I wouldn’t be lonely
  • I would have lots of sex, pleasure, companionship
  • I would receive attention, be supported
  • life would be less expensive
  • I could support someone else, give to them, take care of them

The thing is, when there is a lot of apparent “advantage” in having a life partner….people without one start to think of themselves as being failures, having less than those others WITH partners.

And some people start attacking the “problem” with a vengeance. I WILL GET A PARTNER OR DIE!

But questioning these beliefs about all these apparent advantages can be SO FREEING.

So let’s look!

Is it true that having a partner will bring happiness, security, joy, laughter, sex, pleasure, companionship, financial ease, support, care?

Are you sure those are not available at a rockin’ awesome top level WITHOUT a partner?

Are you sure you don’t have all these things right now, in this very moment, whether you have a partner or not?

Because after I got divorced, I was absolutely single. And over the months that passed, my mind was thrilled with the freedom….and my idea was “I will NEVER get married, EVER again.”

I actually had to do The Work and question my thoughts on the benefits of being SINGLE…because it seemed that non-commitment, openness, uncertainty, change, and freedom was by far more appealing. 

So what about the truth, for you, as you look at the longing for a partner (or remember a time when you longed for contact with someone?)

Are you really, really sure that having this thing, this person, in your life, will bring you happiness?

For me, it feels true that MONEY would bring greater happiness, excitement, thrill, possibility. 

Oh rats. Not that longing again.

I realize, I could relate to this client who wanted a partner. I know what it’s like to want, to believe that the having of this partner (a man, a woman, money) would bring LOVE, security, joy, ease.

How do you react when you think that getting that thing or person would be GREAT?

I notice that my current status is not-quite-good-enough. Disappointed. Disgruntled. 

Annoyed. Bummed.

So who would you be without the thought that you need that partner (or money)?

The woman I was working with said “But! Then I wouldn’t try to get one! Why join Match.com then! I’ll NEVER have a partner if I don’t think I want one!” 

Can you absolutely know this is true?

“What do you believe is preventing you from being happy? Do yo need to see more justice in the world? After you have justice, what would you feel? Happy? After truth? After health? After riches? After charity? After peace on earth? Then will your happiness be allowed?” ~ Bruce DiMarsico 

I love one of Byron Katie’s suggestions, to skip the middle man, and be happy from right here, right now.

I notice that the happier I get right in this present moment, without anything needing to happen or change….

….the MORE my life changes. 

Crazy!

“She who is centered in the Tao can go where she wishes, without danger. She perceives the universal harmony, even amid great pain, because she has found peace in her heart.” ~ Tao Te Ching #35 

If you have the desire to examine your beliefs about money: needing, wanting, earning, spending it….then come join the party for 8 weeks starting Dec. 5th. It could change your entire relationship with money and work, and give you a lighter world. 

Click here to register or learn more. 

Love, Grace

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The Courage To Ask Questions

He is sooooo picky. 

Have you ever had this thought about someone?

I was sitting in a beautiful restaurant, high sun overhead, beautiful umbrella spread over the table shading from the bright day.

The man I was with was talking to the waitress, saying things about how his lunch should be prepared, how it should arrive at the table, asking about every possible ingredient in the sauce, spices, oils….plus where the food came from.

I was looking away politely, but thinking he was asking ridiculous questions.

Two words. High Maintenance.

Just eat it the way they cook it here! Give it a rest! Who cares?! Do you really want to put this much energy into this? OMG!

I was soooooo irritated.

A good moment for The Work.

He should stop caring so much about every little detail. 

Is this true?

Yes! Life it too short! Why bother trying to get it perfect! Relax already!

I have had this thought before with other people…they should stop with the detail on calendars, lists, to-do’s. I shouldn’t have to explain something so carefully, they shouldn’t fuss over typos or spelling, how boring to plan everything out!

I have this part of me that is TOTALLY ANNOYED sometimes about giving someone directions. Can’t they just figure it out? Do they really need a map? How about winging it? Have you ever heard of improv?

Jeez!! Lame!!

Um, yah, so what was the question?

Oh! Right! Can I absolutely know that it’s true that he should stop caring about all that detail?

No. I can’t know that at all. Detail is very helpful sometimes. A slight detail change can make a big difference.  Could mean everything about the rest of his day, and how his stomach might feel.

Why am I so annoyed, anyway?

How do I react when I believe someone is caring too much about the details?

I think of them as scared, controlling, demanding, fearful…I treat them with intolerance on the inside, and on the outside I’m cordial.

I pull back from being involved intimately. I think I’m better.

Because I’ve given up, myself. I’ve decided, it doesn’t matter anyway.

Sigh.

Who would I be without the belief that heavy-on-the-detail is bad, spontaneity is good?

I would see how amazing things can become with emphasis on detail. It is not my forte. I would feel patience, appreciation.

I would look at my friend and see an example of someone who really cares, and is careful, about his health and what he’s eating in this moment. He is asking a lot of questions and getting answers (although I’m wondering if the waiter is annoyed).

I suddenly remember how uncomfortable asking a lot of questions could be in my culture, my family. I’m not even sure why…just a strange sense of foreboding and danger.

Do Not Pester People.

They Get Angry.

I take a deep breath.

Who would I be without the thought that people asking questions about every detail they can imagine is irritating, a time-waster?

I’d look over at that human, and I see someone who doesn’t look very relaxed, is craving information, is wanting to make a great decision.

Someone who is determined to do it right, get it right, have a favorable outcome.

Why be upset with them for wanting that?

I turn the thoughts around: I should stop caring about every little detail. Yes, I’m getting all worked up about HIS questions. I’ve thought this about my young children before, too.

He should let go, stop controlling, be more trusting? How about I should let go, stop controlling HIM (by being so bossy from within my mind) and be more trusting.

“Over time I began to see how delicate and challenging it was for most seekers to find the courage to question any and all ideas and beliefs about the true nature of themselves, the world, others, and even enlightenment itself. In almost every person, every religion, every group, every teaching and every teacher, there are ideas, beliefs, and assumptions that are overtly or covertly not open to question.” ~ Adyashanti

All those people who have questioned around me….the children, the parents, the ones who have asked penetrating questions, or questions about things I think don’t matter….can I just be comfortable with questions?

My own questions? Someone else’s questions?

Can I trust this situation that has someone asking and asking in it….and learn? Maybe the answers DO matter!

Yes! I can do that.

I can practice not being soooooo picky.

Love, Grace

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Question Your Thinking, Be Happy With Food

The other day I was waiting in line for lunch food at a deli. The day was bright and sunny, the sky clear, and many people murmuring and talking with one another.

The line was moving a bit slow, and in a non-introverted moment (shocking!) I said hello to the person behind me. She was a sweet woman and as we talked, she said she had lost 80 pounds, several years before. She was happy, and proud of herself, because she had kept all that weight off.

She was the cutest! She showed me a photo of her adorable little dog, on her phone.

I said that it was funny that we met, because I myself had a brutal and troubling relationship with food in my past….and I am SO HAPPY that it’s completely and totally over.

Isn’t it fantastic to have ended that cycle? That it is eliminated from life?

She shook her head “no”. 

“You never terminate the compulsion to eat. You have to be vigilant. You have to make sure to weigh yourself and monitor your food. I know it will be like this for the rest of my life. If I gain a few pounds, I immediately go into hyper-attention mode.”

Woah. OK.

I didn’t say anything about recovering from an eating disorder or any eating issues of any kind, after that. She appeared certain that this was her lot in life…vigilance.

For the rest of the day, off and on, I thought of this brief encounter with a stranger. I had a tender feeling of compassion and sent her a hug through the airways.

Not that she needed my help, because obviously, she had rocked the house and made major changes in her life….

….but long ago when I was sick with the anguish of compulsive overeating, bulimia, self-starvation, and fear of gaining weight…

…I wanted total and complete freedom from the obsession. I believed I could have it.

I never gave that up.

I wanted to go beyond managing my life, my threatening thoughts, and treating myself like I could topple of the edge of the cliff at any moment into a binge….to genuine trust that who I was, at every level, was and expression of love, trust and joy.

Including when it came to the simple act of eating.

The truth is, that now….I’m “normal” when it comes to food, like a person would be who never had any food issues. I never think about food with anxiety or pain. I love eating and do it with gusto.

I threw out my scale twenty years ago, but now, I don’t even “sneak a peak” at the scale when I’m at the gym. It doesn’t occur to me. I have exactly the same clothes, in the same size, for years. I throw worn out clothes away.

It is over, it seems. For years.

So. What’s the catch? How did this happen?

While I can never say 100% (since I am not the ruler of the universe, ha ha) the thing that I HAVE stayed vigilant about, that I DO feel compelled to look at every single day, is my thinking.

And I’m here to say, that when you look and question your negative, repetitive, agonizing thoughts….

….they seem to become less agonizing.

It’s like you’re giving them the respect they deserve.

Last week in one of the Year of Inquiry groups (Yay YOI!) someone said that they sometimes get a little overwhelmed with THOUGHTS.

There are so many! I’ll never get through them all! One falls away, and another one appears!

I get it. It seems true. It really does seem that there are endless amounts of thoughts, beliefs, reactions, observations, or memories that produce suffering.

But can you absolutely know it’s true that there’s no solution?

Oh boy!

Hands clapping because it does NOT seem absolutely, endlessly true! It’s not absolutely true that the mind SHOULD quit thinking, or that life would really be better if I did! Or that I can never find peace, with a mind that is thinking, thinking, thinking!

It’s not even absolutely true that I need to be fearfully vigilant about my thoughts….because they just pop up. They appear.

And now I LOVE working with them.

When I don’t believe they are true, when I don’t repeat them, or when I do The Work on them, they dissolve.

I feel peaceful.

Are you ready to move from discouraged, beaten down, feeling like a failure about your relationship with food, eating and your body….and take a dive into the most painful beliefs you have about eating?

Because that’s what we’re going to do, starting Friday.

We meet via teleclass for 8 weeks (no class December 6th). 9:00 – 10:30 am Pacific time.

Yes, we meet the day after American Thanksgiving because that day is often very important for reflecting on food, festivities, eating, and getting support.

Wherever you are, you can dial in on the phone or with skype.

“How can you know that a particular relationship is good or not? When you are out of sync with goodness, you know it: You aren’t happy. And if a relationship is anything less than good, you need to question your thoughts. It’s your responsibility to find your own way back to a relationship with yourself that makes sense. When you have that sweet relationship with yourself, your partner is an added pleasure. It’s over-the-top grace.” ~ Byron Katie

If you are out of sync with goodness, when it comes to food and eating, then let’s question your thoughts.

You have to want to take a look, to see the pain, to sit with it and see what you’re really thinking, to write it down.

But if I can do it, you can do it too.

I know that when you have that sweet relationship with yourself, then food is an added pleasure in life. Definitely an over-the-top grace.

Every bite an incredible gift.

Click here to register.

Much love, Grace

 

Posted on

This Joy Belongs To You, Too

First, some shortie announcements: I worked until midnight two nights in a row on my own website and my business facebook page.

I am not all that technically knowledgeable. Or so I thought.

Now I’m dancing the Accomplishment Dance, so much fun to LEARN! 

Check them out and “like” them:

Visit Work With Grace Website 

Visit FB Page Work With Grace

I also have a little ebook on thoughts I’ve heard repeatedly, or noticed within myself as a parent, that have been wildly helpful to question and consider.

Download it for free from the shop on my website. I’d love your feedback and comments. 

My much more comprehensive book on food, eating and consuming is on the way, really, even though it’s not yet born. Not much longer now. 

It’ll be so fun when it’s here. I hope it helps you, if you crave peace with food and eating.

It’s strange how creating something, having it work, bringing it to development, getting to a real end point….can be so thrilling.

It reminds me of the time when I was a child, excitedly imagining fairies in the flowers in our garden.

Believing in magic, spells, ghosts, celebration. Filled with joy, for no reason!

And then something happened….and I believed many thoughts about people, right and wrong, acceptance, rejection, loss, death, birth, hope, devastation, fear in the gut.  

Creativity then tried to come forward. But it got very stilted, sort of lost.

And here now, today…..with the experience of doing The Work for awhile and all this questioning what I think of Reality, I’m remembering that Joy beyond any explanation.

Gratitude so big it feels like it will burst through my chest and fly into the heavens. 

Not sure why it is coming today, with such sweetness. It’s an ordinary day, with nothing special in it. 

And everything special in it. Stunning.

I wish for you to have this Joy as well, if you can’t remember it right now. It is in you, I know it. Because it was in me the whole time, too. 

You can question your thinking and change your reality.

This Poem Belongs to You 

By David Whyte

 This poem

  belongs to you
    and is already finished,

it was begun years ago
     and I put it away
knowing it would come
   into the world
     in its own time.
In fact
   you have already read it,
     and closing the pages 
       of the book,
you are now 
  abandoning the projects
     of the day and putting on
       your shoes and coat 
         to take a walk.
It has been long years
   since you felt like this.
You have remembered
   what I remembered,
     when I first began to write.

Love, Grace

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Finding Your Out-of-Control Place

Last night as I drove my car, my attention was drawn to my right hamstring and the pain that had recently increased, rather than decreased.

The pain is supposed to be going DOWN. Not UP.

It was hurting just to sit in my nice sheep-skin padded car seat. I had to lean way to the left and shift around constantly.

My mind started to replay the scene of the crime. The incident.

OK, so if I landed like THAT when trying to do the gymnastics move, then the weight would be like THIS and it must have pulled on THAT and yanked on THIS….

…What muscle, bone, tendon thing got pulled????

My mind thinks it can find out the answer, and therefore get closer to a solution, if it knows EXACTLY what happened.

There in the quiet car, I smiled for a moment when I realized that this happens with emotional pain as well.

There’s an incident. A blow. Mean words. A shock.

Something feels “ouch”.

Then there is a bracing against the pain. Sometimes a huge wall is built against that pain, closing off all fun, pleasure, relaxation and happiness.

As time passes, following the event, the mind returns over and over again to other scenes….how we could have avoided this, how we can prevent it from ever, ever happening again in the future.

It’s sooooo stressful to be so cautious, careful, nervous, and hurt.

I remembered, in the quiet car, that I could do The Work on the frustration and disappointment with this physical “problem”.

It’s a problem…is it true?

Are you kidding me? Of course it’s a problem! I am not supposed to be in pain! This must be fixed! NOW. Something is wrong!

But can you absolutely know that it’s true that this is a problem?

A woman I worked with recently who has been suffering because her partner left her answered YES, this is absolutely a problem.

NOTHING good about this. Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing.

But could I know this about my hurting ham string? What a strange question.

It is so assumed that pain is a problem, and the goal is to never have it.

Physical or emotional.

But I know that in my life, some of the most painful, excruciating experiences ever led to peace, success, trust and love that I had no idea could exist.

I’m not sure what benefits could come from a hamstring injury…but I have the feeling, from doing The Work for awhile now, that there’s been one.

Which might mean it’s not exactly an absolute problem.

So, no. I don’t know for sure.

But even if you answer “yes” that you know it is absolutely true that you have a major problem….keep going through the steps of inquiry.

How do you react when you believe you are hurt, and it’s horrible?

I believe life sucks. I ask God/Source why it’s set up like this (I have doubts and I’m very suspicious). I think “I’m so vulnerable”.

I feel sorry for myself. I feel *rage* and despair. I try to ignore what happened, or the pain I feel.

I don’t call the doctor. I give up.

So….ready? Who would you be without the thought that this is such a problem? Without the thought that this is terrible, long-lasting, never-ending? That you can’t get over this?

Without the thought, my pain feels sort of…..interesting.

I notice I’m breathing, living, able to work, teaching my teleclasses, going about my world to the library, the market, flying on airplanes, doing stuff on the computer.

I’m not actually thinking of my pain 24/7.

Sometimes I’m asleep!

Turning the thought around, I consider that this pain, this diagnosis, this condition, this situation, this event…..is NOT a problem.

What if it’s a solution?

Well, I’ve changed around my gym routine entirely and notice I like doing something new. I’m stretching more.

I stand more often, instead of sit and slouch. My back is happier.

I met really nice people at the physical therapy place, I learned a bunch of stuff about legs, bones, hips, muscles. I’m considering going swimming for the first time in 20 years—and I used to swim competitively.

How could I live this turnaround, trusting that something is inviting me to a new experience, a new life, a new place?

Wow. That is VERY exciting to think of what this could be offering my life, drawing me to do differently.

What if this situation is beckoning me to an alternative, a change in my mind, surrender, relax, rest, wait, be?

“Now sweetheart, close your eyes, and go to the place where you are very, very ill. You feel like vomiting. You’re in terrible nausea. Now see if you can locate the place that doesn’t care. The place that really isn’t bothered by it. It’s there. See if you can locate it–the part of you that is unaffected. The part of you that just watches. Go back to the last time you were in so much pain and see if you can locate it…..Go back with it again. It’s apart–no matter how much pain you’re in–it’s witnessing, watching….That’s the one that cares nothing for control. So let that one grow. It cares nothing for control.” ~ Byron Katie 

Could there be a place in you where there is no concern for this situation?

I can find it.

If you’re interested in studying pain, sickness and death…I would love for you to join me on a six week teleclass journey beginning Tuesday, October 29th 5:15-6:45 pm pacific time. Register Here to Join Me!

There’s no guarantee of changing anything physically. You know this. But you may find the incredible lightness that can occur with a change in the mind!

Pain After The Work
“During the retreat I did work on pain. The next week I ceased taking a variety of pain medicine. All over the counter & prescription medication as well as more stronger stuff like opium & Kava. The result of that action was a dramatic reduction in body pain! Who’d a thunk it!” ~ Washington

Love, Grace