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It’s Broken! How Exciting!

Argggg! The computer thingy won’t go right! The font won’t change! I can’t get a space between paragraphs! The website link isn’t working!

The Work on technical difficulties! Oh boy!

Small movements of attention to the little administrative happenings of life can seem silly to do The Work on….

….they are not matters of life and death, not the greatest stressors.

And yet, in that very moment when the “thing” isn’t working, or it broke, it’s not doing as you wish it to do….it can be very frustrating.

A wonderful microcosm of the way the mind has an opinion, so fast, that the l thing should NOT be the way it is, it should be different.

Sometimes these “smaller” situations for inquiry are actually fantastic for self-discovery, perhaps because there isn’t so much fear present.

Traffic, tardiness, the store closing unexpectedly, the paper getting torn, the files being misplaced, the form too complicated, a late fee getting added to the account, the wait in line being too long, the drawer not opening properly, the dish breaking, the battery too low, the library sending overdue notices, the drain being clogged.

There it is, so quick. I see the situation. I react.

The first question “Is It True?” dials it all back, to PRE-reaction.

It stops everything in motion.

Is it true that the thingy should be easier, different….that this piece of pottery should be united with that piece of pottery to make a whole dish?

No.

The dish is broken. In half. At this moment in reality, it should be broken.

Because that’s what it is.

How do you react when you believe the computer thingy should be different, should work, needs to go another way?

A wave of energy rises through my body, my hands make a clenched fist, I make a sound that is like a growl.

I remember my old lap top getting a virus.

I was driving it to a special place and paying several hundreds of dollars that was very difficult for me to pay at the time (I could question that now).

I remember the feeling of the hassle, the expense, the parking lot, the men who all worked in the sick-computer place. Driving there three times.

How do I react when I believe that it shouldn’t be this way?

I distrust the computer guys. I think about what evil person out there is sending viruses.

I think I need the communication the computer provides.

Inside, I’m reacting like its an emergency.

Who would you be without the thought that this thingy should be NOT broken?

Without the thought that it shouldn’t have gone like that? That it’s terrible if you’re late? That the virus shouldn’t exist? That the drain shouldn’t be clogged? That the toilet shouldn’t be dirty?

This is an amazing question.

What if everything around you, as it flows and moves and comes apart, breaks, takes longer, comes together, and dissolves….what if everything is as it should be?

It feels so light and incredible inside this body, without that thought.

Open, expansive, slowed down, waiting….but with curiosity, excitement, or gentleness.

I turn the thoughts around to the opposite, to see what could be an advantage to this going the way it is going.

“Any time the ego hits “victim” (which is all the time), victim role, victim identity, it’s secure. Can you imagine a planet where when it rains, we complain? I’m a victim of the rain.”~ Byron Katie

Today, in this moment, it’s good that the old laptop got a virus, the cup smashed, the door jammed.

Because I got a brand new more awesome computer.

Because I learn that it is truly OK, even better, that the thing is broken…then it becomes OK that my toe broke, my car stalled, I missed the flight…

….then it is OK that my house burned, my dog died, my dad got cancer.

I actually find advantages.

If I can’t…I find them in these “smaller” situations and notice, miraculously, that I am not a victim after all.

“If you realize that all things change, there is nothing you will try to hold on to. If you aren’t afraid of dying, there is nothing you can’t achieve. Trying to control the future is like trying to take the master carpenter’s place. When you handle the master carpenter’s tools, chances are that you’ll cut you hand.” ~ Tao Te Ching #74

Much love, Grace
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Surrender Shows Up At A Dinner Party

There is nothing like a small gathering of thoughtful, kind, dynamic people meeting to explore Whatever This Is.

I am on retreat with fellow journeyers in Tucson, Arizona right now. The sky is wide open, cloudless, with a half moon hanging brightly in it.

We’ve all just eaten dinner together creating a big delicious meal in the house kitchen I’m renting with another participant in this sangha, which means, loosely, spiritual support group.

The word sangha comes from the Buddhist term for monks and nuns and the community they created together.

Following dinner, several of us sat around the table, talking for hours.

For me, a very introverted person (yes it’s true despite the rumors)….hanging out with fellow humans communicating in a meaningful, happy, simple way where we’re together allowing the conversation to flow is something I don’t often do with more than one person.

If you start getting into over two people, I get a little giddy, or nervous, or over-stimulated.

This is where I used to expect wine or beer to be involved, like it was an automatic part of connecting with bigger groups for meals.

But our kitchen was filled with eight people, just being together to eat, and I watched myself stir fry vegetables and help create a feast.

All my companions probably don’t realize how rare it was for me to cook and serve.

My thoughts about cooking and preparing food have been pretty rebellious, or pretty filled with aversion.

I have been known to say I don’t cook, won’t cook, don’t like it, don’t want to do it, and will never.

I’ve always brought loaves of bread or salad to potlucks.

If someone starts talking about a recipe, I’m yawning in one minute.

And yet, here it was my turn, it turned out, to create with food for others, and there was no Should, Have To, Won’t. The mind amazingly did not have much to say about it.

An ordinary gathering, and yet not so ordinary.

Because I am different than I once was.

Through self-inquiry, investigation of thoughts, using the incredible tool called The Work, the way I interact with the world is completely changed.

What is deeply on the inside, that I perhaps kept buried or didn’t think was safe to share, is now out in the open or close to the surface.

I find myself curious and interested in what I do….I’m looking at this person called me and saying “oh look, what will she do now?” like it’s fun and entertaining.

And there are no stories that are set in stone, ever, anymore. Like “I hate to cook” or “I’m very shy” or “I need to sleep longer” or “life is hard” or “I don’t get what’s going on here, on planet earth”.

During our group time earlier in the day, with our teacher Stephen Bodian, something he said sparked me to think about dropping my stories of even awakening, enlightenment, awareness, what it takes to discover peace.

It can happen now. Or today. Or during a dinner party. Or cleaning your house. Or sitting quietly in the morning.

In an instant. Not in a lifetime of struggle and work.

It an happen the minute you ask yourself “is it true?”

I love The Work as it has given my mind steps to walk through, one by one, in order. Simple, simple, simple. Following the very simple directions.

And here I am, in pure easy gratitude, for this quiet moment, the smell of desert air, for the voices and people and eating dinner together before, feeling absolute joy.

“And when all the struggle ceases, we realize that the prison of our mind cannot hold us in anymore, because the prison was all along something we imagined into existence. And imagined things aren’t real, they don’t exist. But we could never really see this as long as we were fighting the phantoms of our minds. We needed the one thing that our imaginary minds could not bring about, could not fake or create: the genuine surrender of all struggle.” ~ Adyashanti

No need to control, plan, organize, push against, resist, be bolder than I am, less shy, different. No need to hope, grab, give up in a despairing way. No need to make sure other people are OK, or safe, or comfortable.

No need to have a huge epiphany, or change.

Over time, doing The Work and questioning thoughts of struggle, relaxation happens.

Surrender can show up at a dinner party.

Much love, Grace

P.S. If you find you’re struggling with fear of death and physical pain, those can be biggies. I’d love for you to join me in the 6 week class Pain, Sickness and Death exploring our beliefs about these, about physical threats, starting in a couple of weeks on Tuesdays 5:15-6:45 pm.

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He Called Me Ugly!

A man on a blind date once said to me “I find you ugly”.

In our society, this is generally considered soooo rude, right?

In a flash of him saying it, my stomach felt nauseated, my chest felt hot, my heart beating, my face flushed and turning red.

I felt like a caged animal. I gotta get outta here. Yet I was frozen in my chair.

I tried to control my tears with all my might.

Like this fist came in a said “whatever you do, absolutely do NOT SHOW that his statement has affected you.”

So first, the painful statement….then….I also have to deal with my own inner commander telling me not to allow him to see the pain.

I see that situation as an amazing one for understanding now. So blunt, so direct, so confusing!

Many of us aren’t around people who say caustic things very often, or make stabbing remarks, or yell, or cuss at us.

And when there are pretty uncommon and punchy words, it’s surprising!

So let’s examine this situation.

Why is it disturbing, anyway? Seriously? I mean, what’s wrong with ugly?

You would have thought from my inner immediate reaction that he was about to kill me, or that he punched me in the stomach.

But there were still two people, sitting on chairs in a coffee shop. That’s it.

He just hurt me.

Is it true?

Physically, no. Space and calm were everywhere around, air, mugs, tables, other people, floor, dust, napkins.

So is it true that he hurt me emotionally? Is it true that his words were painful?

Yes, although, hmmm. If I were deaf, or if I didn’t actually HEAR those words, then I would have remained comfortable.

My interpretation of the words was painful. I believed he was saying many other things, besides “you’re ugly”. I believed it meant a whole suitcase load of very painful truths.

So I didn’t actually really know that HE just hurt me.

No. Not absolutely true.

How did I react when I believed the thought that he hurt me?

The suitcase of stressful beliefs exploded open about other people (especially men) and their preferred opinions of me.

I thought his words meant I was unworthy, rejected, hated, disliked, worthless, unimportant, and cast aside.

I thought his words meant I was not measuring up in the attractive department, and therefore I would be single, alone, and lost for the rest of my life.

Wow, so much, so instantly, from one comment.

If he had said a piece of art on the wall was ugly, would I have had trouble breathing?

So who or what would I actually be, in that very moment, without the belief that he hurt me, or he shouldn’t have expressed his opinion, or that I am worthless?

A whole world opens up of beliefs to review. A whole world of freedom becomes possible.

Wow, all that time I thought I was supposed to be beautiful, in order to be liked! OMG!

All that time I thought I was supposed to be admired, that men were supposed to find me appealing, that I needed their approval!

Without the thought that I need him to think I’m pretty, or that I need a man, or that I will be alone, or that I am rejected and worthless in this situation….

….I hear his words, and they enter me and pass through me instead of gripping me in the chest like a piano just fell on my head (like in the cartoons).

Without the thought…I might have asked him what he sees, what makes him say that right now.

I might have learned a lot (actually I did, later, when I did The Work).

I turn the thought around.

I have not just been hurt by him….I have been hurt by my own thinking.

Being ugly to someone does not mean that I am rejected, worthless, or that I will be alone forever.

And what about my own opinion of myself? Don’t I look in the mirror and find flaws, for most of my life?

Wouldn’t I absolutely love to still adore myself, even though I find parts of myself ugly sometimes? Do I notice how I love other people even though I am sometimes repulsed or frightened by their appearance?

Isn’t it actually far truer that I do adore what is inside me, and inside others?

Can I love myself in the presence of this human, who just hacked apart my ideal fairy tale version of this situation?

Haven’t I always wanted to be free to be whatever I am, and end the War on the Body and Appearance and Striving For Perfection?

Well…I just lost. War Over.

Nice.

“Through you, I come to know myself. Without you, how can I know the places in me that are unkind and invisible? You bring me to myself. So, sweetheart, look into my eyes and tell me again. I want you to give me everything……if you say one single thing that I have the urge to defend, that thing is the very pearl waiting inside me to be discovered.” ~ Byron Katie

Much Love, Grace

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The Problem With Being A Good Person

The feelings of guilt and shame are dark and disabling for many people.

I shouldn’t have done that, if only I had seen it coming, I wish I would have been more aware at the time, I didn’t pay attention to the clues, that person was too much for me, I handled that so poorly, I must have done something wrong, I made a mistake, I tried to help but it didn’t work, I guess I’m not good enough…

It’s a sick feeling in the stomach. Or for some people, pure terror coursing through the body.

At least that’s what I’ve discovered so far, when I’ve felt guilty…

…it’s a sense that I want to “fix” it, become re-connected with someone, know that all is well and everyone feels happy.

Even if there is nothing to actually FIX.

“Guilt. Punishing yourself before God doesn’t.” ~ Alan Cohen

Several years ago I was a part of a project where a woman made a speech at a meeting about all the sneaky, lying people who smoked cigarettes but said they were non-smokers.

It was so weird…I was walking after the meeting and thought I saw her on the street, and suddenly panicked and felt like she was boring her eyes into me to find that secret cigarette behind my back, even though I hadn’t smoked in 25 years.

The definition of guilt in the dictionary means criminal, morally delinquent, wicked, charged, responsible for. 

Have you ever felt like it was your fault that someone got upset? That someone is suffering, and you had something to do with it?

“I have never smuggled anything in my life. Why, then, do I feel an uneasy sense of guilt on approaching a customs barrier?” ~ John Steinbeck 

Troubling beliefs producing guilt are tricky, and a really, really, really good ones to question.

I need to do everything I possibly can to help that suffering person, fix it, make amends, bring peace, make up for it, ease the pain. I need to prove that I am one of the GOOD people.

When I was in a very vulnerable period of life transition (divorce) I befriended two different people who every time I got together with them, afterwards I’d feel lousy.

I did The Work many times on both. They were incredible teachers.

They were also both suffering deeply. One with mental illness, one with having an affair and questioning their marriage.

I was such a good listener. I was THERE for them. I found them fascinating, really. Brilliant people, a little crazy, exciting. We laughed hard.

But I realized there was one person I was not actually listening to well at all, one person I was disrespecting and ignoring.

Me.

Only a couple of years ago, I did it again very briefly: I played the role of the good, kind, easy-going, all-accepting human….to a raving alcoholic addict.

In all of these relationships, I’d feel very uneasy, like I couldn’t speak up, or have a truly vulnerable, direct conversation.

These people all had secrets.

I’d also feel pumped up with pride at my amazing people-skills….the kind of people-skills that make Someone Else, NOT ME, feel good when they are around me, when they are in my presence.

Isn’t that what good, kind, loving people do? Don’t they help others feel better, ease the pain of the world, offer safe-haven? Aren’t they positive lights for everyone they encounter?

Let’s question this one.

I need to be positive, help, support, fix, ease the pain, offer love, bring happiness…and this means not speaking up, not saying I don’t support what they’re doing.

Is that true?

Yes, I grew up with the Sound of Music, Jesus, angels and church and learning not to be “selfish”.

Of course that’s my goal, of course I need to be kind, helpful, supportive, loving!

When I’m not, I feel guilty and I need get to work on it immediately and get an attitude adjustment!

But can you absolutely know that its true?

Do you really need or even want to be helpful, positive, supportive, fix problems, ease the pain, offer love, and bring happiness to those around you…and are you sure it looks the way you think it looks? 

Are you sure you have to WORK at this, do the “right thing”? Are you sure you’re not OK all by yourself, without being some kind of awesome super-human being?

Perfectionism is not about striving for excellence, it’s a cognitive behavioral process, a way of thinking and feeling that says this: If I look perfect, do it perfect, work perfect, and live perfect, I can avoid or minimize shame, blame and judgment.” ~ Brene Brown

I know that how I react when I believe that I need to be super-loving-supporter good brilliant friend is that I don’t say no, I smile, I stay on the phone longer than I want, I feel doubt and worry.

And who would I be without the thought that I need to ease peoples’ pain, offer support, be loving…and that this means not saying what I really think out loud?

Who would I really be without the thought that I need to be a Good Person?

Dang, it’s *F*A*N*T*A*S*T*I*C*.

It’s vulnerable, but real. I feel alive, excited, free and so very honest and authentic.

I could die tomorrow, I have such intimacy with what is here today. I am including the voice inside me that knows what true love really is…it does not have to be careful. 

I turn the thought around that I have to be supportive, loving and kind (and that looks like “x”).

I do not have to help or be supportive. I do not have to listen. I do not have to be nice, kind, perfect, easy-going, self-less, or say yes. Ever.

I can notice that I’m a part of a great connected atmosphere….and that when people are yelling and looking for a criminal and they knock on my door, it’s OK that I feel big feelings of fear run through me, even if I didn’t do it.

I can question my beliefs of what is good, bad and follow integrity, true integrity.

“You know all that little ego stuff? That’s gotta go. Which is fortunate. Is wonderful. Because at least then, there is no question, there is no doubt, that when you let go of the egoic self, there’s no doubt what there is. What there IS, is what you ARE, and what you ARE, is about the most wonderful place you could fall back into. So at least you know THAT. You know that when you let go of the egoic self, what you’re getting in exchange is the whole universe, you’re getting all of existence.” ~ Adyashanti  

Thank you to the people who I encountered who pushed me to be truthful, to be a mean girl, to be powerful, to say goodbye.

Every one of them helped destroy some of that “ego stuff”. My image of myself as Good, Helpful, Support-Genius.

All that’s left here is joy, gratitude, emptiness.

Much Love, Grace

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The Rules For Best Relationships – Are They True?

Over the weekend in a workshop of absolutely delightful people who came to do The Work together for an afternoon, a question came up that I’ve been asked before:

What if I want to keep my belief? What if I like my belief?

I like how Byron Katie suggests that you don’t need to question beliefs that you love, that you enjoy, that bring you happiness.

They’re working for you, so leave them alone, right?

(And they’ll all probably fall away eventually).

The Work doesn’t even have a step that asks you to drop a belief…..all it asks you is to identify the belief you’ve got when you’re upset, and then examine whether or not its really true for you, and what it might be like without it.

It takes great sleuthing, though, to understand the protests that the mind will make about giving up a belief.

These protests, fears, worries about giving up beliefs can rise up clearly when you are asked that famous fourth question in the process of The Work:

Who would you be without that thought?

Who would you be if you couldn’t even think that thought in that situation you’re in that you find troubling?

If your answer is: I would be lost, unhappy, enraged, terrified, lonely, confused….or any number of stressful feelings…

….then you may have found a goldmine for investigating your idea of how the world should look, and where you are against Reality.

For example.

When my former husband had left and I was sitting in my little cottage all alone, desperately missing my old life and my children (who were with him) I wrote down the thought: it is best when people get married if they stay together their entire lives.

I grew up with this belief. I learned it from everyone around me.

It seemed obviously true. I had hardly questioned this thought.

I still believed it, in that moment sitting on my couch full of such sadness that my vision of marriage was broken into bits.

With the thought, I cried, I raved and ranted. I went from panic, to fury, to grief.

It felt like my world was coming to an end. I was not going to have the happy ending I had imagined in marriage, where two people are by each other’s side, both with gray hair and wrinkled skin.

But I knew that while I held that vision of the “best” case scenario in my head, then when things did NOT appear as this scenario…I was frightened.

I wasn’t even sure what I was actually frightened of, oddly enough. I just felt terrified, abandoned, wrong, unlucky and miserable.

As I sat with the vision, I realized that the list of rules about “good” relationships was quite long.

And relationships like this list were very rare.

And very conditional. As in NOT unconditional.

The conditions being, it had to be this way, or else THUMBS DOWN.

  • Both people should want to stay with each other until death
  • Both people should be attracted to each other exclusively forever
  • Both people should not be attracted to anyone else
  • Both people should share the same dreams of the future
  • Both people should care for each other in times of lack of health, lack of money, loss, or distress
  • Both people should support and love the other one’s family of origin, friends, community
  • Both people should think, care about and consider the other in everything they do.

This may be a lovely picture of truth for some relationships.

The problem is, when it doesn’t go this way, but you think they should.

There I was, all alone, and feeling great pain. I knew to do The Work.

Is it true, I asked myself, that people should stay together their entire lives when they become committed to eachother? Is it true that this is the BEST way?

Yikes, no idea.

It appears that many people do not have this “ideal” long-term stay-together experience.

In fact, most people do not, come to think of it.

Oh.

What’s the reality?

It appears that a whole lot of the time it’s people coming and going in relationship, changing partners, not remaining together for life, unexpected things happening, goodbyes, hellos, mystery.

So, no, it is not true that marriage, or commitment, and remaining together is The Best Way.

And who would I be without the thought that The List (of Good Relationships Are) is the best way?

I would be open to all ways being interesting, loving, beautiful.

In that moment on my couch, I would notice right there in that present situation that the silence was magical, that I wanted more time to myself and now I had it.

When I turned around the thought to look at the opposite, it was “This way is the best way for a relationship to go, for me.”

I could find out why my relationship life did NOT match the one on that old list.

I could find out why it was better for me, for other people, and for the world that my life did not look like the one on that list, when it came to relationships.

Today, I have more confidence, independence, esteem for my ability to understand and earn money, more passion, adventure, willingness to try new things, more friends, more love for myself, more freedom than I ever, ever once had.

These amazing qualities came out of the fire of burning in a relationship ending.

Now, I am willing to enter into fire….that’s the difference in my life.

I see the way the phoenix can rise up.

“If you are a friend of God, fire is your water. You should wish to have a hundred thousand sets of moth wings, so you could burn them away, one set a night. The moth sees light and goes into fire. You should see fire and go toward light…” ~ Rumi

Anyone can do this.

You can dissolve what you believe are the rules of Good Relationships, and you may feel uncomfortable, ungrounded, like you are entering unknown territory.

But you will get used to it.

Freedom is so sweet, you will see the value of questioning your thoughts about relationships that hurt.

You can keep the good ones, if they are working for you, and keep doing The Work.

“It is always the false that makes you suffer, the false desires and fears, the false values and ideas, the false relationships between people. Abandon the false and you are free of pain; truth makes happy, truth liberates.” ~ Nisargadatta

If you’re ready to take a deeper look with the support of a group, then the 8 week teleclass Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven starts Sept 13 on Thursday mornings 8 – 9:30 am. Join us! Click here to read about it or register.

Love, Grace

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Being Responsible Doesn’t Have To Be Scary

Yesterday afternoon I noticed little a little flutter in my torso as I thought about hosting a 4 hour retreat, something I’ve done many times before now.

I’ll never forget one of the first retreats I ran. After I had greeted a few of the first guests, ready for an all-day intensive learning and doing The Work, I happened to step in to my bedroom to get a pen.

I looked at myself in the mirror and saw two humongous, and I mean HUGE wet circles of sweat spanning out from my underarms, darkening my shirt.

I gasped, and immediately changed my top.

Getting ready to be the facilitator for something, or start a new class, to take the role of leader or point person or teacher…can, shall we say, heighten personal energy.

OK, we can call it nervousness, anxiousness, anticipation.

For some people, just raising their hand in a group to speak is terrifying!

Sometimes I’ve had the oddest experience of adrenaline zapping through me when overall, I felt as if all was incredibly well.

Like, right when I get the impulse to raise my hand and ask a question in front of 500 people.

Other times, sharing, speaking, or singing in front of a big crowd is like laughing with a small group of friends, so simple.

But one thing I have discovered is that being responsible for the FUTURE is part of the requirement for nervous anxiety:

  • I hope the event will go beautifully
  • I want everyone to learn, receive, gain something, like it
  • They should enjoy themselves, have a powerful experience
  • I should make a difference, I should make an impact
  • But I shouldn’t be too intense, I should be easy to approach
  • Everything needs to go well
  • Nothing bad or uncomfortable or difficult should happen
  • No one should feel disappointed
  • Everyone should feel pleased and happy when its over

As soon as I start to list out the stressful thoughts, even blow them up into proportions that are clearly too big for this situation, they all kind of seem…..

…..silly.

Well, CRAZY!

With this list going, the Comforting Voice might start chattering “no no, there’s nothing to worry about here, just do your best, be yourself, everything will go however it needs to go, all is well and you know it”….

The thing is, when that voice enters that’s trying to soothe the anxiety or tell you to stop worrying, it doesn’t always work.

Have you ever had a close friend, a spouse, or a parent tell you in the middle of feeling huge nervousness “QUIT WORRYING” ?

So the mental activity is there volleying back and forth between feeling nervous and responsible for EVERYTHING, and trying to calm down.

Remember, the mind is exceptionally dramatic.

A little passing example: Knowing I had this workshop to run, when my refrigerator stopped working for about an hour last night, inside my head I was ready to call the fire department.

I have a very good friend who is racing today in a long and grueling bike competition.

She texted me last night that she just wished the race was starting NOW, she couldn’t stand the waiting, she hated all the nervous tension in her stomach 24 hours before.

So…..we see what happens in the body, in the mind, when we’re believing that something really, really, really, really has to go well and that we are partly or entirely responsible for the outcome.

We’re nervous wrecks!

Who would we be without the thought that we’re responsible for things going well?

“It you mistreat an animal, it becomes afraid. This is what has happened to your psyche. You have mistreated it by giving it a responsibility that is incomprehensible. Just stop for a moment and see what you have given your mind to do. You said to your mind, ‘I want everyone to like me. I don’t want anyone to speak badly of me. I don’t want anything to happen that I don’t like. And I want everything to happen that I do like.’ And then you said, “Now, mind, figure out how to make every one of these things a reality, even if you have to think about it day and night.’ And of course your mind said ‘I’m on the job. I will work on it constantly.” ~ Michael Singer

Who would you be without a future that needed to be fabulous?

What if you are not responsible for a good, perfect, blissful outcome?

Even for your entire life?

Without the thought that I have to make it good for other people, and good for me, and good for the universe…..

….I am so free, it’s an amazing spark of the most alive peace, right here in the present moment.

Total relief.

I may picture the future, but it is with unknowing and joy and space, excitement, wonder.

Relaxation. Simpleness.

“I’m talking about not resisting, not grasping, not getting caught in hope and in fear, in good and in bad, but actually living completely.” ~ Pema Chodron

Right now I am noticing colors, tapping fingers on laptop, warm summer air, still body, breathing, happiness.

Love, Grace

P.S. Three classes starting in September: One Year of Inquiry begins September 13th 5:15 pm PT (3 telegroups per month), 8 week teleclass Relationship Hell To Heaven Sept 12th 8 – 9:30 am PT , AND 6 week teleclass Pain, Sickness and Death Sept 13th 10-11:30 am PT.

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Mindful Stress Reduction Mini Retreat Seattle 8/13

Room for two people it turns out, tomorrow in Seattle, for a full, rich afternoon of self-inquiry using The Work of Byron Katie.

This is a mindful meditative way to question your stressful thinking.

Beginners to advanced all welcome. Anyone can do it.

If you’re a mental health professional, you can earn 4 Continuing Education Credits.

This is personal learning and practice, slowing moving through each step of The Work from start to finish.

We meet 1:30 – 5:30 in Goldilocks Cottage in Lake Forest Park (northeast Seattle).

Click Here to register or write to grace@workwithgrace.com with questions. You can also register at the door. $70 first timers/$55 repeaters.

Come join us!

Love, Grace

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Standing Where No One Else Can Stand For You

Being all alone arises as a very stressful thought for people at various times in life.

Here comes the thought “I am alone”.

I know this can be a fabulous feeling….alone at last! The whole house to myself! Quiet, meditation, sweetness.

But today I’m looking at the painful reaction to this thought.

(I love how Byron Katie says that The Work is for the stressful beliefs, not the happy ones….although once you begin self-inquiry….even those happy ones may start to fall away).

So when it’s sad, uncomfortable, frustrating, or full of anguish to be thinking “I am alone”, what’s the worst case scenario?

What’s wrong with being alone?

This is serious question!

I picture being on the tropical island in the Pacific, like in the movie Castaway, forever. No rescue or departure back to civilization at the end.

Or what about the Life of Pi story with no return to land.

Dying alone. No other humans around.

Or floating in outer space with nothing in sight. Nothing, for miles.

In the past several years, I have worked with many people who are absolutely sure they don’t like being alone.

They have no partner, no family, no job, or not enough friends.

I have also worked with people who are in relationships, but feel alone and critical of their partners.

Alone in a crowd, alone in the world.

People feel unloved, unsupported, abandoned, discarded.

There is something here called ME and it feels disconnected with the environment, separated.

There is too much contact, or too little contact. Whatever is happening is NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

Alarming. Depressing. Off.

There is a lot of fantasizing about the troubling things that could happen, from this state of too much aloneness or not enough aloneness.  Or fantasizing about wonderful things that could happen with more aloneness or less aloneness.

So bring on The Work.

In that dark, empty, alone moment that looks bleak, separate, frightening…or in that frustration of wanting to shut out others so you can finally be by yourself…

…who would you be without the belief that you are alone?

Who would you be without the thought that you need to be MORE alone, or LESS alone, or you’ll go mad as a hatter?

In a huge crowd, walking down the street, talking with one friend, dancing, at a gathering of people, sitting in an audience, meditating all by yourself, eating food, driving your car, thinking, sleeping…who would you be without the belief that the state of being alone is hard, tough, or imperfect?

What if instead, you lived your life as the turnaround to the painful stance towards being alone….Joy? 

What if you felt the immensity of being alone without fear? Without the need to do anything about it, today?

What if you could live the belief “I am alone” and experience it as curious, wonderful, wild, exciting, adventurous, free?

“It is Love that leads us beyond all fear and into the solitude of our being. There we find our utter aloneness because we stand free of all the false comforts of illusion and find the capacity to stand where no one else can stand for us. We are alone not because we have isolated ourselves behind an emotional defense or false transcendence, but because we are no longer held captive by either the mind or fear.” ~ Adyashanti

Love, Grace

 

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If Money Was Not A Problem

One of my favorite topics of all time to do The Work on is Money. That stuff called Money that appears necessary for trading what you need to survive, or to take action, have adventures, learn, or to feel secure.

Such a huge, wide, broad general topic…money shows up in life, even if you live far away from civilization and grow your own food.

In which case, you may not be reading this Grace Note post, anyway.

Recently, I’ve gotten to look at Money again with new eyes as the teleclass on Money does their work together over 8 weeks.

The exercise for the third class is to write down what you think Money will give you, if you have it?

Are you kidding? What would it give me?? It would give me so much!!

Adventure, excitement, training, expertise, exploration, time, security, generosity, thrill, joy, happiness, courage, creativity.

Woah. That sure is a lot to expect from Money.

Am I sure I need that thing called Money, in order to have these things?

Am I absolutely sure that all these wonderful things are not present….unless I have Money?

When I believe Money is responsible for enhancing all these things I love, then I want it, but I feel frustrated with it.

I think of it as a problem.

I have it as an end goal in mind. I move fast. I plow forward without slowing down, I force myself to do things.

The present moment has to be efficient, or focused, or productive. No messing around dilly-dallying about, frittering away time.

When I believe that Money brings all these beautiful things in life, I believe that more would be better.

Now, here’s an interesting little subtle (for some people, not so subtle) reaction to seeing that having more Money offers me a better life.

In order to deal with Money, I decide that I won’t care about money at all.

I’ll cut it out of my life. I’ll STOP believing more is better. I’ll live without it!

I’ll push it away, and be satisfied with what is. I’ll stop dreaming of adventure, security, fun, giving, training, education. I’ll do it all myself.

I notice there is still a forcing in this approach, at least for me. There is a determination, an attack on believing that more money is good.

So who would I really be without the thought that more OR less would be better?

Who would I be if all my dreams about money were not “problems” to deal with, to change, to alter, to resolve?

This is one heckofa big question…..

….Money? Not a problem in any way?

Yes, that’s the question. What if you lived your amazing life, and money came and went and you wrote checks or paid for things or worked and there it was, but there was not stress.

Not something confusing about it, worrisome, difficult.

Who or what would you be without the thought that Money is complicated?

I’d notice that I love when money is here. I love buying all the tickets for the whole family for the movies, and the popcorn.

I notice I love paying for my daughter’s tuition.

Without the thought that I need to avoid or attract Money, without having to work on that project of Money, that it comes and goes and the flow of it all is quite stunning.

Constantly changing. In and out like the tides, like breathing.

Without the thought that there is a problem here around Money, I see that I get excited about working with someone who is paying me, and I sign up to work with others (like Stephan Bodian’s School for Awakening).

Without the thought that loving Money is a problem, that wanting it is “hard”, I notice that wanting it is EASY.

Wanting money comes and goes, feeling abundant or lacking comes and goes.

I notice feeling abundant and feeling secure, happy, gentle, curious…that studying money with joy is much more fun.

In fact studying Money as if it were a Great Friend, not a difficult problem child, is not stressful.

It is joyful, fun, adventurous, creative, thrilling, honest, courageous, spiritual, generous, happy, and secure.

I LOVE Money! I’m so excited that it is in my life, whether it’s $10 or $1,000!

I see that without the belief that money creates difficulties OR happiness, I notice that it’s my privilege to be in relationship with it, here in this lifetime, here in this body, on this planet, where it is a part of reality.

Just the way I used to want to cut out food from my life, when I was starving myself and full of angst about food….and yet it appeared to be something I deeply needed to engage in and love….

….I see money once had similar properties. Love/Hate.

“It only takes one clear person to have a good relationship.” ~ Byron Katie

I question my thinking about money, and the drama ends.

I am the one who needed to get clear.

And now, Money seems to show up a lot more often, ready to play, have a conversation, and be in my life.

You can make friends with Money, too. No matter how much or how little you have.

“Once you understand what your situation actually is–which is not what that voice in your head says it is–then, of course, you can stop struggling. The situation exists. You don’t have to worry about it or drink over it or cry or debate or ask others for advice. You can stop resisting it because what was making you sick was your own thinking about it–not it.” Eckhart Tolle

Who would you be without the thought that Money causes problems, reduces problems, or IS a problem?

Love, Grace

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When Learning Something New Seems Too Hard

Learning something new, like a language, a method, a system, a routine….can be really fun….or really aggravating.

Can’t I just know it already?

You mean I have to learn ALL THOSE WORDS in a whole different language?

This will take forever. Boring. Not worth it. Too much energy. Too hard.

Recently, you may be able to tell I’m having a little issue working with fonts in my emails here at DIY (Do It Yourself) technologies.

The font is different today than it was yesterday.

I clicked on something a couple of weeks ago and my usual format changed, without me realizing it.

Some people couldn’t actually READ Grace Notes anymore. Print too small.

So I changed it again (and that required figuring out how I changed it my accident the first time)…

…and the newer font lined up weirdly for some people, and turns out, still too small.

This one may be too big, who knows (by the way feel free to write me back and say “it works! thumbs up!” or “Noooooo!”)

I also happened, mostly by accident, to discover that the little square box thingy that pops up when people come to my website was not working.

When someone entered their email to subscribe to Grace Notes, it took them to a training program on how to make those box opt-in subscribe thingies look really awesome.

Oops.

I also learned what a “ping-back” is. I thought it was bad.

I would receive a message “you have gotten a ping-back…”

I had an image of a ping-pong ball hitting my head after I threw it, ricocheting off the ceiling, electric impulses bouncing around the computer….and the computer exploding.

But it turns out, it means someone has created a link to my Grace Notes post from their blog or website. Which can be helpful for readers.

Sometimes it appears that learning comes in small teensy baby steps.

Starting with the alphabet, for example.

One little piece at a time. One step at a time. Repeating the dance routine over and over, saying the speech, meditating for five minutes (not an hour), googling the word “ping-back” after seeing it ten times.

The only time things are really stressful, I find, is when I picture where I want to be, or what my purpose is in learning something, and think these kinds of thoughts:

  • this is going to take a loooooooooooong time to learn
  • it’s too late to become really good at this
  • that other person does it way better
  • it won’t make a positive difference in my life after I learn it
  • it’s too complicated
  • I don’t get this now, so I probably won’t get it tomorrow either
  • life should be easy and this is hard—I quit
  • I’ll just think about it some more

If I had believed these thoughts about my recovery from having a troubling relationship with food and eating, I’m not sure where I would be now.

Well, I did THINK these kinds of thoughts, but I didn’t believe them entirely, for some reason (maybe grace itself).

I was very determined, very early, to become obsession-free around my body, food and eating. I was in so much pain, with a terrible eating disorder, it felt like a matter of life or death (it was).

But with less intense desires for learning, like how to change fonts in email programs, it can be quite wonderful to question these beliefs.

Who would I be without the thought that learning all these little techy things are a waste of time, or boring, or don’t matter, or take me away from other more important ventures?

Who would I be without the thought that learning a very small, tiny little thing that appears before me as a call for an adjustment, is not fun?

I notice that all the technological details I’ve researched and learned are quite fascinating.

I turn the thoughts all around to their opposite, and consider each one, and find examples of how they are also true:

  • this is going to “give” time to me, and it’s going to “take” the perfect amount of time
  • it’s not too late to become really good at this
  • other people who do it way better are people to watch, inspirations!
  • it will make a positive difference in my life after I learn it
  • it’s not too complicated
  • I don’t get this now, but I may get it tomorrow
  • life should be hard and this is easy—I’ll keep going
  • I’ll try it!
“When someone says, I can’t do it, or, It’s too difficult, I’ll never be able to afford…I’ll never be as wise as…. I might say, ‘Oh, so this is your plan for the future. I hear you.’  The truth is that, for all you know, you can do it, it isn’t too difficult, you will be able to, etc. How can you know the future? The future isn’t here yet! Question what you are believing, open the space to ‘Can I absolutely know that it’s true? Who would I be without that thought, right here, right now?’ Turn it around to the opposite and find examples of why your can’t-do plans actually could be NOT true, for all you know.” ~ Byron Katie

Where do you dismiss in yourself what you’d really like to try, what you’d love to learn, to know about?

Much love, Grace