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Geographical Cure Trying To Change The Dream

Major life transitions can bring for many people a sense of foreboding, planning, thrill, anxiety, or nervousness about the unknown.

When even one thing is changing in someone’s life, where day-to-day living is altered in some way, then this can be categorized as a “transition” or period of adding something or subtracting something to or from your life.

Change.

The change may be exciting or frightening….positive or negative….anticipated or surprising.

I remember Stress Level Tests asking questions about whether or not you had moved, started or ended a program of study, gotten married or divorced, lost or started a job, traveled, taken care of someone, lost a loved one or had a baby, had the last child leave the home (empty nest) or had a visitor added to your home.

All of these got numbers assigned to them as Stressful Situations.

Even the fun stuff.

The other day I was remembering how I used to feel about Change. 

It was a love-hate relationship. Kind of like the gas pedal pushed to the floor, and the brakes on at 100% at the very same time.

It was like one side of me needed to analyze, calculate, make sure and hesitate before I would make any changes, or take much action….I was believing I needed to be careful and that it was important to know what was going to happen next.

I would be frightened of making a mistake, I needed to weight the pros and cons almost endlessly.

On the other hand, if I believed that what was likely happening next was TERRIBLE, then I’d make changes wildly fast, making big decisions very quickly.

Something would frighten me, and I’d be off like a rabbit.

In the past, suddenly, I was moving to Colorado. Suddenly, I was joining Weight Watchers. Suddenly, I was moving to a commune in Eastern California. Or applying for a training/educational program, or dropping out of college, or quitting my job.

I’ve had my share of friends and family say “Wait…what? Where are you going? What are you doing? How long has this been in the works?”

“When you run in fear, it’s square into the wall.” ~ Byron Katie

In the Twelve Step programs, there is a term called “The Geographical Cure”.

A Geographical Cure specifically is believing that moving, changing locations, starting fresh, uprooting, switching tracks, entering a program….will help life become more pleasant, more fun, more successful.

Sometimes this is VERY true, and people make amazing changes that move them away from a difficult, repetitive, unhappy groove. Nothing wrong with it.

But it can be very, very profoundly helpful to sit quietly and think about whatever transition this change you have in mind may offer, and investigate it first.

Not in order to become paralyzed or trapped with indecision…but to look with the greatest clarity possible.

I love beginning with questioning the thoughts “I need to do something” and “I need to know what will happen”.

With those thoughts, I think that the place I am, here, is less-than ideal.

“Here” needs improvement, maybe BIG TIME.

It would be better if….(I had a partner, more money, lived in Hawaii, had a better job, didn’t have this boss, had more clients, etc).

Who would I be without the thought that where I am, in this situation, is terrible?

Without the thought that I need to do something ASAP…and I need to pick the right thing to do because I need to know what will happen is good?

Wow, the lightness I experience, the lack of panic, the freedom from compulsion to DO SOMETHING is absolutely fantastic.

The feeling fades away of having a dictator shouting at me to CHANGE. NOW.

I don’t push myself to plan, make lists, weigh the merits or concerns of different choices.

I even stop talking to everyone about what THEY would do, I stop gathering endless amounts of data.

Turning around the thought, to consider the opposite way of approaching an apparent need to change….

….I imagine what it would be like to believe that where I am now is fine, that it has some benefits, that it is safe, that I can find appreciation for this situation….

…yes, even the most taxing or difficult or frightening situation.

Considering the idea that I do not need to do anything, or that I need to know what will happen in my future, I am realizing that everything is fluid.

I am not stuck. I am free. I am open. I can wait, without so much fear.

No mistakes possible.

Instead of heavy analysis, carefulness, caution, worry, dread, considering all possible scenarios….

….a sweet and peaceful freedom.

“Don’t try to change the dream, because trying to change it is just another movement in the dream. Look at the dream. Be aware of the dream. That awareness is It. Become more interested in the awareness of the dream than in the dream itself. What is that awareness? Who is that awareness? Don’t go spouting out an answer, just be the answer. Be It.” ~ Adyashanti

Mindfully investigating, being with the stressful thoughts, who knows what will happen.

But it will probably be good.

Love, Grace

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Slow Down To Do The Work If You’re In A Hurry

Quick announcement day: A few more spots left for August 10th Mini Retreat, a lovely afternoon diving into The Work in private retreat cottage northeast Seattle (Goldilocks Cottage) 1:30-5:30 pm.

This is time set aside for exploring your mind and investigating your stressful beliefs, something so many people crave, yet seem to never wind up actually doing.

4 CEUs can be earned for mental health professionals through the Washington State Society for Clinical Social Work.

Beginners and experienced welcome—this is a wonderful afternoon to practice doing The Work with a partner as well as a small group, facilitate someone else, improve your inquiry skills, and meet like-minded inquirers….all with good guidance and Q & A time.

For information and to register, click here. Limited to a group of 12 max.

If you can’t come in August, the next one is October 19th.

And speaking of setting aside time for yourself for exploring your mind….

Why is this something that we know is so deeply helpful in life, and yet, we avoid it, dismiss it, put it off for later, and don’t get around to it until we’re often so stressed we’re in excruciating pain?

I know for me, I want things to be easy, finger-snapping quick, simple, painless AND I don’t want to feel bad, to discover I made a mistake, to be upset with myself.

I don’t like discovering that I’ve been wrong, that I wasn’t seeing something with clear and loving eyes, or that I was taking something way too seriously.

Especially if I had it wrong about someone I’ve known my whole life!

(Hi mom!!)

To take the time for retreat, to focus, to slow down appears to take effort. It appears that we need to schedule this time in our lives.

Maybe it has always been this way, and that’s why people have chosen to live for periods of contemplation and silence in monasteries.

These mini-retreats are made short and simple…and they are created so that we take the time, we focus on ourselves and our personal journey of understanding.

Only four hours. You can even sleep in. We have lots of snacks.

I find over and over again, these retreats bring compassion, love, and honesty to any stressful situation. They bring just a little ease and relief, or a lot.

You never know when one brick taken out of a wall of beliefs about the universe with make the whole thing topple down, with Joy left over.

From Byron Katie’s website Frequently Asked Questions:

Do I have to write? Can’t I just ask the questions and turn my statements around in my head when I have a problem?

“Mind’s job is to be right, and it can justify itself faster than the speed of light. Stop the portion of your thinking that is the source of your fear, anger, sadness, or resentment by transferring it to paper. Once the mind is stopped on paper, it’s much easier to investigate. Eventually The Work begins to undo you automatically without writing.” ~ Byron Katie 

Come give yourself time to stop your mind on paper. To actually sit with the painful beliefs you think, and wonder about them in a powerful way.

Who knows what can happen from there.

If you don’t live in the Pacific Northwest, then join a teleclass coming up in the fall and call in from anywhere in the world.

Or connect with someone who loves investigating their mind and their perception of the universe, and ask each other powerful questions and hear each other’s answers.

It can be very difficult to do The Work all by yourself. At least that has been my personal experience and what I hear reported from many people.

Give yourself a break. If you’re in a hurry to reach understanding, do The Work.

Love, Grace

To comment on this Grace Note…click HERE!

  • Our Wonderful Sexuality: A Safe Place For Inquiry on Painful Thoughts About Sexuality. Mondays, October 21-December 9, 2013 8-9:30 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. Register Here.
  • Mini Retreats Seattle. Saturdays 1:30-5:30 pm. 2013: 8/10, 10/19, 11/30, 1:30-5:30 pm. 2014 Mini Retreats: 1/18, 3/8, 5/3, 10/11, 12/6/14. 4 CEUs can be earned. Goldilocks Cottage. $70 includes intensive, handouts, tea and snacks, $55 repeater rate.  Click here to register for mini-retreats
  • Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven: Who’s Bugging You? Parent, Child, Spouse, Partner, Boss, Client…bring them. Thursdays, September 12 – November 7, 2013 8 – 9:30 am PT Register Here.
  • Pain, Sickness and Death: The Worst That Can Happen. Fridays, September 13 – October 25, 2013 10-11:30 am PT. 6 week teleclass. Register Here.
  • Horrible Food Wonderful Food Weekend! Seattle, December 14-15, 2013 10 am – 9 pm Sat and 10 am – 5 pm Sun. Stay tuned for details coming soon.
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Unconditional Listening To That Noise

Recently I was waiting for my teenage daughter while she went to an important appointment.

I had to move my schedule around, just to help her get to the appointment, and miss work that I normally would have been doing at that time.

I brought my laptop with me so I could multi-task and get some writing done while waiting.

I navigated to the local library very close by, knowing I would have easy and free internet connection.

But as I sat at the first big shared table, surrounded by about six people, and began to log-in….one of the people directly across from me at the table mumbled under her breath.

She seemed upset. Like she was actually talking TO someone, but not any of us at this table.

Maybe she’ll be quiet in a minute.

A few more words under her breath, and she stood up with a great huff and went off to the printing machine.

I did my best to ignore her, and it appeared everyone else was ignoring her as well.

The library was hushed and cool in the late summer afternoon.

She returned thirty seconds later though, and continued to mumble under her breath “you can kiss my ass all day long!”

Sigh.

I got up and went to look for another place to sit.

I sat down at another huge table. Only two people, a man and woman, both with laptops in front of them, facing each other at one end.

I sat at the farthest opposite end from them.

For one minute, it was quiet.

Then the woman started saying to her companion across from her that she was having trouble with the itunes download and then couldn’t remember her secret question for her password and then she said her bank balance out loud, like she was checking the statement.

She seemed to say everything going across her mind.

Her friend’s responses were so quiet and low I couldn’t make out anything he was saying.

But her voice was penetrating.

Excuse me, am I actually HERE?

Do you realize I can HEAR EVERYTHING YOU ARE SAYING?

Are there any chairs in this LIBRARY, which should be QUIET, where no one is actually saying everything that runs through their mind OUT LOUD?!!

I stood up, and went farther into the bowels of the building to find someplace where NO ONE WAS TALKING.

Jeezus! Humans!

I watched as I reacted to the thought “these people should stop making noise”.

I suddenly remembered a wonderful meditation teacher I love, speaking about going to meditation retreat and having the same kind of thought.

There she was, sitting with a hall full of silent meditators, and suddenly, the sound of ringing entered the silence.

The ringing paused, and resumed.

What rude person would leave their phone on here, she thought? And why isn’t anyone hunting down the culprit, or asking about the noise?

Turns out, after an infuriating fifteen minutes, she discovered the sound was a cricket.

She started laughing to herself, realizing that when she thought it was a cell phone, she was totally against it….but when it was a cricket, it was fine.

Who would I be without the thought that the people talking were irritating?

Or that they should STOP because everyone knows you should stop talking in libraries?

I notice that everything actually rolls smoothly along.

Noise happens here, even in places where I THINK it was supposed to be quiet….and then this body gets up to move, wonders about this person, then that person…but not very much.

Every sound like an orchestra. These parts louder, fading, very soft.

In listening in my new corner, I hear the back-up beeping of a truck somewhere through the library walls, a father’s voice saying “let’s go kids”, some sort of whirring, feet across carpet, child setting bag on floor, clicks of fingers on keyboard, so many sounds.

Sounds everywhere.

And then the memory “who hears this sound?” which I heard Adyashanti, one of my favorite spiritual teachers, ask himself, and ask others….

….and a relaxation right there, in the library, of not needing anything to be other than it is.

Including sounds coming out of people.

Not needing things to be quiet in order to be happy.

“No matter what state dawns at this moment, can there be just that? Not a movement away, an escape into something that will provide what this state does not provide, or doesn’t seem to provide: energy, zest, inspiration, joy, happiness, whatever. Just completely, unconditionally listening to what’s here now, is that possible?” ~ Toni Packer

Without the thought that things should be quieter than they are, this whole body relaxes, softens.

The world becomes absolutely fascinating, this library of EVERYTHING, all here to be sampled….the sound of what’s here.

Love, Grace

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If Only I Wasn’t A Nervous Wreck

Yesterday, I got the privilege of facilitating self-inquiry with someone who was afraid of public speaking.

What a common and excruciatingly stressful human experience.

It doesn’t have to be “public” speaking we’re afraid of….it can be “private” speaking, small group speaking, one-on-one speaking.

Any time we’re afraid of saying what we’re thinking, feeling, suggesting, stating, or even asking for something we want OUT LOUD.

As this sincere and thoughtful person questioned her belief, I remembered all the times I didn’t raise my hand in class, or voice my opinion with a group of friends as we chose a restaurant, or tell the person on a romantic date that I didn’t like the movie choice, or share something in a talking circle.

I sat through an entire feature film of Pink Floyd when I was too young to understand why someone with such a weird name would be playing guitar in the desert.

So what are the most common thoughts about speaking, especially public speaking, where many people might be looking at you and listening all at once?

  • they are judging me
  • I don’t want to be boring, ineffective, slow, confusing
  • I need to keep their attention
  • I need to be funny
  • I want them to be amazed by my wisdom, power, wit, confidence, humor, brilliance
  • they should think I’m awesome, interesting, helpful
  • I should make a difference in their lives!

The image of the Perfect Speaker Me is over there, hovering in the mind in the back of the room….and I’m hoping, waiting, and demanding myself to be like that.

Not like this…..with sweat forming in my arm pits, my stomach slightly nauseated, my voice all jittery, and my heart pounding into my ears.

So on top of what I should look like and offer the audience, I also should NOT feel nervous, anxious, unclear, or mixed up.

But I do feel these things.

I am arguing with what is reality. I am against what happens to be true, in the moment.

Together the inquirer and I investigated the idea that she should be confident, even though she wasn’t.

What do you think YOU should be, that you aren’t?

People seem to think these kinds of thoughts all the time, every single day.

I should be thin, I should be peaceful, I shouldn’t have cravings, I should be happy, I shouldn’t be depressed, I should be joyful, I should be in the now, I should be free, I should be enlightened, I shouldn’t be worried, I should be calm, I shouldn’t be nervous, I should be young, I should be pain-free, I shouldn’t be lonely….

….this can go on forever.

I know when I believe this sort of thinking, I am seeing myself as lacking something, needing an adjustment, needing to “get” something.

I seek for answers, I read, I mull, I gather information.

Who would I be without the thought that I should be confident, or strong, peaceful, or powerful…that I should make a difference to people or be engaging and entertaining and funny?

Who would I be without the thought that I need to stop being so dang nervous?

As I imagine who I would be without the thought that I need to be “x” then I find I find the whole scene pretty funny.

Really? Not thinking I should change? WOW!

You mean, in this particular moment where I am afraid of the audience and nervous as I walk onto stage and sweating as I begin my speech and deliver information….

….that this experience doesn’t need to change, in order for me to be happy?

I would simply notice: woman with beating heart, huge big energy running through the body, seeing the faces all looking this way, seeing the human eyes directed toward me.

Then I would notice that the fluttery excitement changes, and I begin to talk, or whatever happens next.

Even if I am only speaking to one person, and I am afraid to say something to them, without the thought that it could go badly, that they could judge me, that this is a terrible risk….

…..I begin. My voice trembles, feelings course through me, and then they shift.

What are the turnarounds to these ideas I think of as so very stressful about speaking?

  • I am thrilled and grateful for their judgments, and I hope they share them in great detail, so I can know the listeners and improve my message or delivery
  • It’s totally fine to be boring, ineffective, slow, confusing….it helps me learn to develop passion, effectiveness, precision, speed and clarity!
  • I need to keep my own attention
  • I don’t need to be funny (except to myself)
  • I want only to be amazed by their wisdom, power, wit, confidence, humor, brilliance, and enjoy all this in me
  • I should think I’m awesome, interesting, helpful
  • I should make a difference in my own
    life! And the audience should make a difference for me!

“Happiness is the natural state for someone who knows that there’s nothing to know and that we already have everything we need, right here now.” ~ Byron Katie

What would it be like to give a speech, go on stage, bring up that difficult topic…without believing that whatever happened before, during or after the words were spoken, was bad?

“I find that life never falls short and doesn’t require a future. Everything I need is always supplied, and I don’t have to do anything for it. There is nothing more exciting than loving what is.” ~ Byron Katie

Now go out there and speak, or be very quiet, and enjoy yourself!

Love, Grace

To comment on this Grace Note…leave a comment below!

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No Such Thing As More Time

I WANT MORE FREE TIME!

I had this thought the other day as I thought about the stack on my front porch of boxes, knick-knacks, little kid bike, drum set, printers, doodads, books and “stuff” that needs to be sold, or given to charity.

That stuff needs to be gone.

What has to happen for that stuff to be gone? I need time.

I need time….so that I can clean things, continue to go through the shed of stored boxes, take photos of the good stuff, post it on the internet, actually have a “garage sale” (I used to think of these as a huge waste of time considering how much money could be made) and borrow a truck and go to the dump.

I think this would all take about 4 days, working most of the days, to be entirely complete, only stopping for food and water.

I barely have time to hang out with my own family, and they are definitely a priority.

And now that I’m thinking about it, I have quite a list of tasks that I KNOW I want to engage in….all of which take time time time.

I love looking at language about time.

Things “take” time, things “waste” time, things are time “sensitive”, I’m in a time “crunch”, I “spend” time, I’m “losing” time, I have “too much” time on my hands, I “don’t have much” time.

Funny to say all the quantity-amount words about something that is only a concept.

I mean, right now, in this moment, where is time? Do I have a bucket of it? Do I actually have four hours “left” before I teach my next class, and one hour before a client, and eight hours before a hair cut appointment, one month already gone of the gorgeous summer months of the Pacific Northwest?

Lots of measurements, all describing a limit, a known quantity, a set amount of something, a quota.

A beginning, middle and end.

Yeah! And I need MORE of it!

When I believe this thought…it can be supremely stressful.

Here is this thing called “time” and since there’s only so much, I have to go really, really, really FAST when I need more of it.

The body gets all hyped up, zippy, full of adrenaline, pushing, noticing those other “slow” people out there who are hindering my progress.

Have you noticed how your body feels when you are in your car, and you are on your way to something incredibly important?

You turn the car onto the freeway and suddenly, you are in very, very slow-moving almost-standstill traffic….

….you have a job interview, you have gotten a call that your child is at the hospital, you find out your house is on fire, your partner is going on stage in 12 minutes for opening night…

How do you react when you believe that you need more time! NOW!

The wave of tension is like a buzzing accumulation of energy. For me, it feels like some part of my self is out in front of me, my stomach is in knots, my chest can’t breathe, there is tight live-wire electric energy shooting out of my arms.

I’ve seen people yell out of their windows in traffic, or give people the finger or start commenting and talking to other drivers, swearing…angry, furious, frustrated, frightened.

Who would I be without the thought that when I see the pile on the porch, or in ANY situation (the length of my life, to give a deep example) I need more time?

What do I actually need more time FOR?

Can I absolutely know that its true that I should be somewhere other than where I am, in this moment? Is it really true that I need to have that thing completed, that I think needs to be complete?

Am I so certain that as things are right here in this moment…in traffic, walking by the pile of items that I want off the porch, looking at my calendar with appointments scheduled back-to-back, noticing that I’ve lived over fifty years so far in this lifetime…that I actually need more TIME?

No.

Who would I really be, right here in this situation where more time seems desireable, WITHOUT the thought that I need more time?

Without the thought….I feel an empty space, a relaxing space, glow from within. I lean back, I sit back, I breathe deeply.

If I’m in a car, other drivers appear fascinating. I see colors, hear sounds, I look up into the sky. I notice things everywhere all around me.

I feel like laughing. There is a lightness of nothing really mattering.

It doesn’t mean I won’t do anything, in fact it sounds fun to move stuff from porch to other places soon, but it doesn’t really matter exactly when that happens.

My to-do list looks much more fun.

I notice I love working with clients…my favorite. I love teaching. I love being alive. I love doing inquiry. I love watching, looking, investigating reality.

I am amazed by the world moving before me, an epic movie of amazing proportions.

“Time isn’t precious at all, because it is an illusion. What you perceive as precious is not time but the one point that is out of time: the Now. That is precious indeed. The more you are focused on time–past and future–the more you miss the Now, the most precious thing there is.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

If I don’t make it to the hospital bedside on time, if I don’t make it to the applause opening moment of the Big Show, if I’m late to the interview, if I walk in to a meeting that already began, if the pile of stuff is on the porch for “x” days….how would I know that isn’t perfect?

Can I be open to finding advantages, benefits, sweetness…for things happening in just the order they’ve happened?

What if there is always enough time?

Perhaps the more I stop believing that I need more time, the more joy I experience in this present moment….the more of the most important things will get “done” when they get done, and this body will move from Point A to Point B in just the right timing and order.

Even dying right on time.

“Patience is the training in abiding with the restlessness of our energy and letting things evolve at their own speed”….”In truth, there is enormous space in which to live our everyday lives.” ~ Pema Chodron

Love, Grace

  • Our Wonderful Sexuality: A Safe Place For Inquiry on Painful Thoughts About Sexuality. Mondays, October 21-December 9, 2013 8-9:30 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. Register Here.
  • Mini Retreats Seattle. Saturdays 1:30-5:30 pm. 2013: 8/10, 10/19, 11/30, 1:30-5:30 pm. 2014 Mini Retreats: 1/18, 3/8, 5/3, 10/11, 12/6/14. 4 CEUs can be earned. Goldilocks Cottage. $70 includes intensive, handouts, tea and snacks, $55 repeater rate.  Click here to register for mini-retreats
  • Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven: Who’s Bugging You? Parent, Child, Spouse, Partner, Boss, Client…bring them. Thursdays, September 12 – November 7, 2013 8 – 9:30 am PT Register Here.
  • Pain, Sickness and Death: The Worst That Can Happen. Fridays, September 13 – October 25, 2013 10-11:30 am PT. 6 week teleclass. Register Here.
  • Horrible Food Wonderful Food Weekend! Seattle, December 14-15, 2013 10 am – 9 pm Sat and 10 am – 5 pm Sun. Stay tuned for details coming soon.
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At Peace Filling Out Forms

Last night I was sitting at my desk in my quiet little living room (the same place I hold workshops) and had the plan to “quickly” look up an old email to find a contact name, so I could print something out.

That was going to happen…”quickly”.

Before dusk, so that I could have a nice late summer evening walk with my sweetie to the local store before it closed.

I inadvertently landed, for some odd reason, with an email at the top of my search list that had nothing to do with what I was originally searching for….

….however, the email was a short administrative email about a PIN number for my son’s college financial aid application.

Just glancing at this email, which I have no idea why it was at the top of the list, I suddenly had the thought “hmmmm, I wonder if his financial aid application got filed?”

Now, I am someone who usually files things like taxes, paperwork, administrative-ish items long before their deadlines. I remember the social security numbers of my kids without even trying to memorize them. I have no idea why.

In other ways, I’m a complete space cadet. Like major appointments completely forgotten, or on wrong day.

So I clicked on that email immediately, as I got the gut feeling that I better check in on this issue.

Sure enough…once logging in to the correct government account, very official-official looking, I discovered NO FORM FILED.

Taxes were filed early, just so this form could be completed early, so that my son would get first-round financial analysis attention for his sophomore year college tuition.

About an hour later, I pushed “submit” on the form and it was officially filed….about five months “late”.

The funny part (it’s quite funny to me now, the next day) is that on the walk to the store, which was well past dusk by that time, I started thinking things like this:

  • what if my son can’t go to college in the fall?
  • aren’t “they” (whoever “they” are) wondering at the university why his form isn’t in?
  • was someone supposed to notify us?
  • what is WRONG with me?
  • why do I have to include my new husband’s income, when he’s not my son’s father?
  • I’ll be in debt trying to pay college tuition!
  • he’ll have to work instead of go to school!
  • this ruined my evening
  • I’m a terrible mother!

I have no evidence of any of this occurring, or even being likely to occur, or any of it being true. In fact, I’m quite certain that at least for this next year, there will be no interruption in my son’s college career based on this late form.

But it’s like I was all the way to “he’ll get kicked out of university!” without thinking clearly.

It reminded me that feeling afraid, a little nervous, surprised, stressed…can lead to totally UNclear thinking.

Extreme thinking.

WHAT-IF thinking.

So I asked myself…that form should have been submitted in February…is that true?

Ha! No. Apparently, not at all. Because it was submitted yesterday. Reality = form got completed and sent in JULY.

I love the way the mind will say that something should go backwards in time and happen differently in the past, even though the past is completely over and now we are here in the present.

As if.

Who would I be without the thought that paperwork should have been done earlier, sooner, differently?

Without the thought that this is “bad”, that I am a forgetful or too non-detailed mom, that I should have paid more attention, that my son’s life will change forever because of the date on this form?

Good lord, so much more fun, so much lighter.

I would realize I have no idea, at all, what this means for the outcome. I would notice that it was magical that the email search revealed that particular old email, and *ping* it dawned on me to notice.

I would be excited about NOT apparently needing to remember, because somehow the form link popped up in my computer through other weird coincidences.

This has happened many times since questioning my thoughts about needing to remember EVERYTHING…coincidences, lightness, no need for lists, planning, or making sure things are scheduled and handled all the time (not that those are bad things, just not so critical).

“If powerful men and women could remain centered in the Tao, all things would be in harmony. The world would become a paradise. All people would be at peace, and the law would be written in their hearts. When you have names and forms, know that they are provisional. When you have institutions, know where their functions should end. Knowing when to stop, you can avoid any danger. All things end in the Tao as rivers flow to the sea.”~ Tao Te Ching #32

I remember today, looking with curiosity and inquiry that this form paperwork thing is provisional, that it has a function and it will end, and activity will happen or not, and life is quite fabulous whether there is college, or no college, or applications completed or not completed, acceptance occurs or does not occur.

Perhaps if the lack of the existence of the form leads to something entirely different happening…that direction will be amazing. Who knows?

Every step flowing to the sea, always.

Love, Grace

P.S. To comment on this post, click HERE. I love responding!

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Speak The Truth, Create A Revolution

When a community of spirits comes together, a gathering of sincere individuals, it is one of the most beautiful experiences I have ever known, and most life-changing and revolutionary.

Revolutionary? That’s a pretty strong word!

What’s a revolution?

In the dictionary, it means a sudden, complete or marked change in something.

That’s what a gathering of people has sometimes created for me and for many of the members….quietly, with absolutely no violence whatsoever, no “should” or “have to”.

A revolt of the way I see things, and perhaps the way we all see things together.

My first genuine group experience, besides seminar discussions in college or meetings to accomplish a task, was long ago when I was in my twenties.

I had been to regular sessions with several different therapists over a few years, some longer than others, and learned something from every single one.

I still had a lot of self-loathing and twisted thinking.

Then, a good friend recommended a therapist. Innocently, although with some of the usual adrenaline running through my nerves, I called her to make an appointment, after thinking about it for about six months.

After meeting for only about five months every week, the therapist suggested it was time for me to enter Group.

Group? What’s that? What was she talking about?

Turned out she ran therapy groups. Oh.

This is where other people, with their own concerns and troubles, gather at the same time each week for almost 3 hours to process, connect, think creatively, support each other, look at “change” and what it means.

But wait! I have a special weird thing happening called “disordered eating” and that’s gross. I don’t want to share that with other people!

Can’t we just keep meeting one-on-one?

I was pressed for another month to join Group.

Fast forward to a moment six months down the road, when I had been showing up every week and paying money to attend this collection of individuals gathered to find freedom, to inquire into their understanding of life, to feel peace.

I had not said more than about three sentences.

The therapist, MY therapist, said at the beginning of the group circle “I have something I want to address with Grace today“.

Gulp! Me? But I’m thinking of escaping as soon as possible! I’m trying to make myself invisible. I’m not sure I even like all these people. You mean, you’ve noticed that I’m still here? YIKES!

This wise woman therapist looked me in the eyes, while everyone watched and listened.

“Are you aware of how much control and power you contain and keep for yourself when you remain silent? When you don’t share what’s in your heart, you don’t speak up, you don’t connect with all of us honestly and authentically…..you don’t tell the truth?”

My assignment was to talk. That’s it.

You would have thought I had been assigned to jump out of an airplane without a parachute.

But I started talking. I didn’t like the sound of being someone who was trying to “control” the situation. I was trying to control my life all the time, and swinging out of control with food and eating….it was clear that the way things had gone so far was not very well.

I was willing to try something different.

It was revolutionary.

My life began to change, by reflecting my thoughts and feelings, and listening to others.

And now, today, I am back from co-facilitating a powerful retreat on The Work of Byron Katie, where people gathered literally from all over the country to question their thinking.

We began with the body, identifying those thoughts we have about the body that are frustrating, sad, disappointing, vicious, critical, worrisome.

Any thought about the body.

All the ways it needs to be fixed.

We moved into connecting how this way we feel and think about the body is the same as how we feel and think about our lives, people we are close to, about our universe.

The group, through The Work, dropped into honesty, willingness, sincerity and love.

We were all learning there together, equals on the path, beginners in doing The Work and advanced practitioners of The Work…everyone having had exactly the right experiences so far in life to bring them to that moment, gathered with those exact people.

Once again we all learned that as we shared our inner worlds it melted into the outer world, loosening the boundaries between this thing I call “me” and the wide open universe.

No need to control or keep power or resist or have great fear of whatever is inside you.

“If you truly want to grow spiritually, you’ll realize that keeping your stuff is keeping you trapped. Eventually you’ll want out, at any cost. You will then realize that life is actually trying to help you. Life is surrounding you with people and situations that stimulate growth. You don’t have to decide who’s right or wrong. You don’t have to worry about other people’s issues. You only have to be willing to open your heart in the face of anything and everything, and permit the purification process to take place.” ~ Michael Singer

Tell the truth today. Gently, with kindness, with love. Even if it’s very frightening. Expose yourself.

Create a quiet revolution for your own life.

Love, Grace

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Those Yakety Yak Talkative People Were My Teachers

A most interesting thought, one that appears quite often for many humans, is a judgment that someone in their world talks too much.

  • She is such a Chatty Cathy
  • He drones on and on
  • That kid never shuts up
  • She will keep me on the phone forever
  • He’s always dominating the conversation
  • Men can’t stop talking about their accomplishments
  • Women can’t stop talking about their complaints
  • I need to go, but that person needs to finish speaking first

All kinds of other subtle beliefs dance around these beliefs about those upsetting talkative blabbermouth people….but a core repetitive idea that lies at the bottom of the list is that they should STOP talking.

Then, I would be happier.

Probably everyone else in the environment would also be happier. I’m sure of it!

I see how I have reacted when I believe the thought that someone should stop talking…..

….the minute I hear their voice, or see their phone number appear on my cell as it begins to ring, I want to run. I want to get away. I cringe. I don’t answer the phone.

I feel a clenching in my stomach. Ach, not this again.

I feel trapped in the conversation.

One of my most favorite discoveries in questioning this thought has been realizing my own inability to interrupt, walk away with gentleness, say no, and notice that I am no longer moved to listen.

There I was, believing that someone should be quiet, stop communicating, stop pestering me (or everyone) with wordiness, hush up, slow down, listen, get silent….

….and there I was waiting, with fake patience, for them to figure out that it would be better if they stopped talking!

I discovered the turnaround that they should keep talking, especially as long as I waited like a victim for them to stop.

I was being invited to investigate this thing I felt so resistant to, with compassion, clarity and peace.

Just because they were talking did not mean I needed to listen.

Just because they were talking did not mean they were desperate for conversation, or that it would hurt them if I said “I am done listening now, I want/need to go do something else.”

Just because they were talking did not mean there was something wrong with them!

So as I watched myself question the belief that anyone should ever stop talking, I noticed myself joyfully interrupt, learn to say I am not available, tell a caller that I need to hang up now, and gently leave if I wanted someplace quiet.

The most true turnaround?

I should stop talking, in my mind, going on and on about that talkative person and how my happiness depended on them stopping.

I should stop saying internally “I wish they would stop” and “I need to get out of this conversation and don’t know how” and “I can’t say no” and “I can’t hang up the phone” and “it would be rude to cut them off”.

I should stop talking to myself, telling myself that I should listen when I don’t really want to.

I had the most wonderful realization recently, while facilitating our amazing group of inquirers at Breitenbush Hot Springs.

I saw that since I have done my work on this concept, and pow-wowed with others, and humbly learned that I had a huge desire in the past to never interrupt…that NOW I am GREAT at interrupting.

In fact, I don’t give it a second thought. I never had any stressful thoughts about anyone who was talking, I just knew to watch the time and hold the space as a facilitator.

I knew that it was my turn to be the leader. It was sweet and powerful.

Trusting the guidance from within that has nothing to do with being nice or not-nice. Taking action without being against anything!

“True mastery can be gained by letting things go their own way. It can’t be gained by interfering.” ~ Tao Te Ching #48

I discovered that I had actually been interfering with my own preferences in the past. I had not been letting things go their own way, allowing that person to talk, me to take care of myself, or take care of the group.

“We don’t want to take care of ourselves because that means giving up the wish to be taken care of by someone else.” ~ Cheri Huber

When no one has to change in order for me to be happy, they can be talking and talking, and I know what to do (and it may change, I may love listening, I may not).

When I take care of myself honestly, I am free. Truly free.

In the structure and the guidance is love.

Love, Grace

P.S. Next year Breitenbush! Same time of year, same place, new fabulous inquiry, new (and returning) group of amazing inquirers. June 25 – 29, 2014. Stay tuned for more information.

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OK That Death Is On Your Shoulder

Here I am in the lush, earthy-smelling, dark green, damp Pacific Northwest forest of eastern Oregon.

I am sitting in my little cabin, in bed with my trusty laptop, and my newly written worksheet on The Body.

Fourteen people have come together to contemplate painful beliefs about the body, including eating, pain, accidents, mental illness, weight, aging.

“The worksheet” as you know, if you’re familiar with The Work, is the place where you write out your most despicable, vicious, frightened, depressing, nervous, unhappy thoughts about whatever it is you are thinking about.

It might be a person you know, your parents, your child, the weather, the government, that country, this world, your house, your work, money, your body.

Even if you’re not super familiar with The Work….step one on the way to discovering freedom and a life without stress is simply identifying the painful thoughts speeding through your mind.

These are thoughts you think that don’t feel good. Images you picture that don’t feel fun or sweet, that may be horrifying or extremely sad.

Memories that appear that are desperate, dreadful, or disgusting.

There are a lot of thoughts in the mind that feel downright awful when you think them.

This is the beginning of The Work…identifying these difficult, troubling, worrisome thoughts.

Then, once they are out in broad daylight, right there on the paper, they can be examined rather than avoided or brushed under the rug.

In our workshop full of people, we all wrote a Judge Your Body worksheet after considering a time when we had an objection to something going on in the body.

A situation occurred, and we saw our body as a problem, some part of our body as an irritant, or a major fear.

For me, my body grew a tumor on the right leg. Cancer! It also has a cellulite-y butt, an aching right foot, a left hip that gets stiff, and graying hair.

And yes, I know the mind is right here, close as close can be, watching the whole thing, inseparable from this body, a part of it…and yet we can so easily separate the body from whatever it is I think of as “me”.

It seems like there is my body, and then there is my mind, which notices, thinks about, critiques, and finds solutions for the body.

The mind, I notice, has had judgments, opinions and assumptions (happy ones and unhappy ones) about the body since I was very young!

So this evening, I’ve brought myself this gift of reeming the heck out of this body, telling it what I REALLY think about this situation.

No holding back…this is letting it rip to the fullest throttle.

Question One on the Judgment worksheet: What is it about your body that angers, confuses, or disappoints you, and why?

I mean REALLY, REALLY enrages you, scares you, gets you mixed up, disappoints you, freaks you out, makes you feel nauseated?

Well…since you asked….

I am frightened with this body because it’s going to die. It feels pain. It’s vulnerable. It can never be absolutely perfect.

This situation sucks! Who thought this up anyway! We come into a body, it runs into things and things bump into it, it grows and moves and operates itself somehow through some amazing and mysterious life force, and then decays either a little or a lot, and dies either sooner or later.

Stuff has happened, and will happen again, that HURTS. I don’t have control. I don’t even get how the thing actually works, or why it’s doing what it does.

And after being in the body (which I’m not exactly sure I am in, depending on what “I” is) and being here on planet earth, I have to die after all that! Jeez!

I OBJECT!

But wait.

Instead of objecting over and over again (which I notice has never worked so far to change the situation) and ask if it is really true for me that it’s upsetting that this body is going to die?

YES! If someone asked me right now, like a waiter in a restaurant: would you like death…or would you like life?

I’d say LIFE. Duh.

So can I absolutely, beyond any shadow of a doubt, know that it is upsetting to die?

Can I know that it’s final, difficult, painful, tragic, that I’ll leave all the people I love forever, that I’ll never be connected to them again, that it will hurt?

Oh, well, now that you put it that way. I can’t actually KNOW with complete absoluteness that dying is upsetting. Or separating, final, painful.

I haven’t actually done it, in this lifetime. Yet.

Come to think of it, I have NO IDEA if it’s true that death is upsetting.

I know that the way I react to the world and to my life when I believe that dying is upsetting is that I cling to this life, I think people with great health, youth, and vitality are lucky, I think signs of aging (meaning…on the way to death) are bad. I think my cancer was frightening.

The way I react to the world when I believe death is upsetting is that when someone I really love dies I feel very, very sad. I miss them.

Who would I be without this thought that death is upsetting?

What if I couldn’t believe that this situation of being alive, in a body, is disturbing (in a bad way)?

What if everything is going unimaginably well with this body? What if it was a good, good thing that it’s had the “flaws” it has appeared to have, the accidents, the distress, the injuries, the pain, the ugliness, the signs of death?

What if death is so dang awesome it’s going to be the adventure of a lifetime!

Fabulous! Can’t wait! So lucky if you find out your dying sooner than later! Woohoo!

“Each separate being in the universe returns to the common source. Returning to the source is serenity.” ~ Tao Te Ching #16

Of course you may not be thrilled about death, or life, every moment. But to begin to examine this idea called death…that we will all experience…opens up our minds to Great Investigation.

We feel fear, sorrow, angst, paranoia, impermanence, we imagine what we’ll miss in the future when we consider death, so sure it will hurt either emotionally or physically.

But not to brace against it, or resist this situation of living in All This, being here, apparently being alive just for awhile, knowing death is coming…

…what freedom. How incredible.

Joyful laughter arises. I know nothing.

“It’s good to realize you will die, that death is right there on your shoulder all the time.” ~ Pema Chodron

Love, Grace

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Achieving Goals Are Easy When You Don’t Believe Them

Last week I somehow added some strength training (weight lifting) to my gym routine. I’ve thought about it from time to time but not done it.

It’s weird, because it genuinely did not feel like I decided. It just moved, very easily, in that direction, almost as if that was the thing to do next, at this time.

A friend of mine reminded me that she herself wanted to add in some kind of strength building to her physical fitness routine. She texted “Hey! We can support each other!”

So that may have added awareness to the field, but we haven’t been in communication since.

Now, these kinds of plans, goals, declarations and structures appear to be a part of the culture. There’s always something one can add.

Improve! Build! Raise the bar! Succeed! Take it to the Next Level! Break out of your comfort zone!

Lordy.

Nothing wrong with any of this if it’s fun and joyful.

But often, it’s a wee bit stressy. It appears to require a lot of effort to do these things, just to even hold the thoughts.

There’s a sense of getting swept up in the “I should, I have to, I need to, I want to…” focus on the future.

And the thought repeats itself, on a regular basis. Even when there may be no action taken.

Anxiety can come along just from THINKING about starting a new “program” that’s supposed to help.

Then if the mind observes no movement, it adds that to the mix of stress saying “what’s the problem here? get going! what’s wrong with you?”

I love really looking at “goals” or new programs related to health, education, creativity, career.

A lot of stress, disappointment and criticism forms within these realms.

People say things all the time like “I’m going to enroll in that training, I’m going to get that degree, I’m going to get in shape and lose weight, I’m going to finish my book, I’m going to pay off that debt, I’m going to get a new job, I’m going to get married or find a partner…”  

Humans have fun (or feel hopeful), it seems, thinking about what it will be like later, when this activity is underway, or it’s completed and accomplished, and they will feel WONDERFUL.

Why, gosh…people even say this about spiritual enlightenment! I myself have made this kind of statement!

“I’m going to get enlightened. I’m going to do what it takes: meditate, go to retreats, study, find a teacher, go hear the enlightened speaker guy (or gal), pray, study all the scriptures, read the sutras….”

There it is. The imagined lovely picture of the future. When I am my ideal, more perfected version of this “me”!!

The whole thing is quite hilarious. I’m not sure when it happened…but I remember realizing that the thought “I want to become better” (enlightened, fit, relaxed, successful) is actually worthy of investigating in great depth.

Not just assuming it’s true.

It SEEMS like I need to become better. Better at leading, facilitating, working, keeping track of time, communicating…you can name your thing (and there may be many).

Often we will think (at least I did) that if I didn’t have the thought that I need to keep a fire lit under my feet, that I need to stay revved up, push, pedal-to-the-metal, rah rah GO….then I wouldn’t ever take action.

Without these thoughts of pushing and demand of myself…I might remain a total failure.

Yet for me, for some weird reason I dug out my dusty weight-lifting books, went to the gym, and started. I have no idea if I’ll keep it up.

It just seems like the inner voice is saying “yes” and there is no conflict. It was like “why not?”

This would definitely not fit into the category of “goal”. And it’s sweet and relaxing that way.

Without any big expectations.

I notice that when today is also fine, only doing what I really, truly wish to joyfully do, then those are the times I’ve actually wound up at the imagined goal ending.

Who would I be without the thought that “I should (the list)”?

Why not see for yourself?

We’ll often think it will be really bad, and we’ll never accomplish anything, if we don’t have the thought that we should do that thing to improve ourselves.

Many people will agree about what is “right” and “wrong”. Weight lifting = RIGHT. Lying on the couch all day = WRONG.

But what if you stop knowing or being so sure, or operating with goals, plans, structure that is made without ever questioning what is right for you?

“You have a decision to make, and your mind wants to know what the right decision is. But you realize that that isn’t a relevant concern anymore because your framework for decision making has been conditioned. A “right decision” according to whom? One person’s “right” is another person’s “wrong.” If you’re not going to make decisions based on right and wrong or should and shouldn’t–which only exist in thought–then how do you move?”~ Adyashanti

How amazing to explore the dreams we think we have for the future and really ask if they are true for us?

Are you sure that feeling strong, feeling energetic, feeling love, feeling success, feeling abundant is going to happen later…in the future sometime…after you “work” on yourself some more?

If we never learned what was good to go for and bad to NOT go for…what would you do today? What would you notice, or enjoy?

What would be genuinely fun, interesting, kind, creative, successful, compassionate, enlightened…right in this moment?

Much Love, Grace

P.S. If you are interested in investigating everything you believe about money, your need for it, the way you get it, what’s wrong about this moment and right about a more successful moment in the future…then join the Earning Money teleclass starting July 11th.

When you question your thinking, you can change your life. Really!

Write if you need partial scholarship help.