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The other warm, gray, rainy afternoon I was out on my bicycle, listening to Adyashanti on my ipod, and he said “you will lose your inner world.” 

I began immediately to be acutely aware of my mind and the way it loves to analyze “inner” and “outer” worlds.

It SEEMS like there’s an inner world. All the churning mulling energy that goes on inside what feels like the head and the body.

Sensations are very busy here, within.

I feel a chill, or hunger, or a clutching in the throat when I feel worried. How about tightness in the gut, or a deep ache in the shoulder blade, or a heavy overall feeling of lack of energy that feels connected to grief.

What about fidgeting, boredom, buzzy energy? That can feel like its inside, too. Along with all the thoughts, images, pictures, scenes, memories, words, sounds, ideas.

Only me is inside here. Having a conversation about everything. Without actually talking out loud.

It will feel like this inner world has a boundary, is held within a container.

But where is the edge? When you close your eyes and meditate….and as they say “go within” what is this place that is “within”?

It’s like, if you keep it with yourself, to yourself, and don’t speak or it or reveal it, there’s a strange sense of the so-called inner world being mysterious, secret, unique, personal….and MINE.

(Wha-ha-ha-ha, the evil barron laughs and looks over his acreage of dark land and says “Mine! All Mine!”)

It feels like there is a “me” inside here. You know what I’m talkin’ about, right?

Your “me” is over there, inside your body/mind and my “me” is over here in this one.

There is a whole entire world in here….of past memories, future expectations, people I’ve encountered, what I recognize, what I’ve learned and know, my personality, my age and physical attributes……..it is ME! Voila!

So if there feels like an inner and an outer….where does the outer start and the inner end?

Impossible to find, really.

But I used to think “well, GENERALLY, the boundary is my skin…except in some situations, it’s two feet outside my skin…except now that I think about it, it’s as far as I can reach, except…it’s complicated.

Kinda like the “facebook” definition of some relationships, where you can indicate what kind of relationship you’re in.

I’m in a relationship with the universe….its complicated.

But what if it isn’t, not really?

Because nothing is truly clear about it. I think “I” am here. But I’m not sure.

Maybe the “I” is as far as I can hear, smell, see, feel, touch, taste.

What about when I talk on the phone to someone across the globe? Or remember something from 3rd grade very vividly? What part of the “I” is THAT?

I realize that the minute I observe, perceive or experience something…a person across the street, a cat meowing under the porch, a car parked outside the window, the recycle bin under the desk, the keyboard I type on….it is now just my experience.

Foggy boundaries, no line.

What if you lost this “inner” world? What would that look like? What might that mean? In a good way?

What if whatever this “I” seems to be was turned inside out, and everything that was supposedly on the inside (all the ruminating, the beliefs, the secrets, the thinking, the opinions) got dumped out on the kitchen table?

And then, what if you didn’t take any of those things seriously any more? What if you lost your labels and conditions and questioned everything?

All those lists of what you should be or do or say or think, all those things you think make your “I”…what if it’s OK to let those go, to find out they aren’t true, to not resist or force or direct or grab at anything?

Who would you be without the thought “this is me”? Without the thought “I need to…I want to…I’m against…I’m for…this/that should happen…”?

How very exciting! How mysterious, and exposed, and empty all at once!

“The important thing is not to know who “I” is or what “I” is. You’ll never succeed. There are no words for it.” ~ Anthony De Mello 

Nothing to hide or stash away, just this thing (called the human being Grace by some) experiencing…Life.

“Awakening happens in the absence of a separate self; indeed, the realization that there’s no self here to awaken is the reality that we awaken to. Everything is functioning perfectly just as it is…” ~ Stephan Bodian 

Much Love, Grace

P.S. If you think you’re a YOU that needs to earn or receive some money…come join the Money teleclass starting 7/11.

On my way out of Bali, as I sit in the busy airport here with many people scurrying by and tons of languages flowing through the air, I’m reflecting on all I’ve seen, learned, felt, and taken in for 3 weeks.

Here I am, ready to say goodbye to paradise (as the big sign says).

Interestingly, I have to tell you about a most fascinating travel experience, the opportunity here to discover underlying money beliefs….in the middle of a thing called bargaining.

Many countries of the world engage in “bargaining”. Negotiating, dickering, bantering, haggling, cuttin’ a deal, finding agreement.

In Bali, there were goods spread out in the market, with no prices on anything.

When I saw a beautiful lace traditional kind of sweater that I was interested in buying, and I asked “how much?” the woman said “how much do you want to offer?”

Gulp! Um. Er. Uh. Really?

This is killing me! The woman was waiting, looking, with penetrating eyes.

Quick–I looked around uncomfortably, with a shifting glance, hoping someone would step out of the woodwork to help me.

Stressful thoughts enter, like a little army marching in:

• I could offer her anything? That’s too hard!
• I can’t offer $5! She could get insulted and become angry, or withdraw, and then I won’t get what I want.
• I have to know what the “insult” line is beforehand
• If I offer too high and she says instantly “yes!” then I’ll be stuck knowing I paid more than I needed to pay, I’ll be obligated to cough up the money
• I can’t change my mind
• She thinks I’m rich (which is dangerous, if she doesn’t feel rich)
• I might get tricked
• I quit! I can’t shop here!

No! I don’t like the sweater! I walked away, without ever saying a word.

Lordy, the thoughts were suddenly there, BAM! Showing me what I imagined could be true in this strange moment of two humans from different sides of the world considering making a trade.

The thing that’s so fascinating about these beliefs, when I look at the list, is that often, we humans have these same kinds of beliefs in our relationship with other people when we want to ask them for something.

It doesn’t have to be money.

I decided to inquire and do The Work. I realize I’m imagining uncomfortable things can happen, and a big lack of trust.

I look at “she’ll get insulted if I make a low offer”.

I ask myself what is so frightening or bad about her getting insulted?

What about anyone in your life? Let’s say you want time, money, attention, connection, and you want the exchange to feel super easy for you (a “low” offer)?

What is worrisome about that?

Because I want this to go well, I want that person to like me, I want them to feel satisfied (not jipped), I want that person to feel good about interacting with me, I don’t want them to feel uncomfortable, everything needs to be fair….if they feel safe and secure, then I can feel safe and secure.

“It’s bad to insult someone by asking for something I want”.

Is that really true?

My first answer is yes. It feels like it’s bad. I don’t want to insult anyone. I need to be careful. I need to see everything from THEIR side as a form of protection.

But is it absolutely true that it’s BAD if I insult someone by asking for what I want?

No.

That person is allowed to feel whatever they feel, including insult.

That person has their own life, their experience, their beliefs.

And I do NOT know for sure that they are insulted, or that it is my fault if they are.

How do I react when I believe that it’s bad if I insult someone by asking for what I want?

Very careful. I stay quiet. I check out all angles on my wants before I speak up. I make sure I am appropriate, acceptable, that I anticipate someone else’s reaction before I ask anything.

I am in their business.

I treat them like they are unable to manage their feelings, that they could hurt me, that they could become offended (and that would be horrible).

I treat myself like I am capable of ruining someone’s day. I feel guilty, apologetic. I excuse myself or walk away. I don’t participate.

How do I react when I believe the thought “it’s bad to insult someone when asking for something I want?”

I do not ask for what I want.

Who would I be without the thought that I could insult someone at any given moment, and I need to be careful?

This does not mean I barge through, crush everyone in my way, elbow people out, walk over people, demand that I get what I want.

That’s the flip side of the exact same coin (speaking of money) of winning, losing, grabbing, controlling.

I have found that when people feel scared of offending other people when asking for what they want, another way they react is to put up a barrier, and demand what they want.

It’s not that.

Who would I really be if I didn’t believe the thought that the whole asking/responding dynamic MEANS risk, confusion, guilt, insult, fear, worry, should/shouldn’t, caring, love, approval, fairness?

What if anyone could ask anything, and then get an honest response…without it meaning something ELSE?

What if a “no” is fantastic and a “yes” is fantastic, both important, good, honorable, honest, simple?

Who would I be without the thought that I might insult someone if I ask for something I want?

I would be free. I wouldn’t have to be careful. I wouldn’t worry about the response of others when I ask for something.

I wouldn’t get mad at people for asking ME to do things I don’t want to do. I’d just say “no”.

I’d have a lot more fun asking for what I want!! I’d laugh when I got it, and chuckle and keep going (or not) when I didn’t.

I’d keep asking until I got what I wanted, like when Byron Katie suggests that if you need a job, go to the first store and say “will you hire me?” and if they say no, go to the next place, and keep asking if it takes 1000 people.

Turning this belief-system around about money and asking, I find an opposite recipe for how to live, without fear of negotiating when it comes to money, or anything else for that matter.

• I could offer her anything? Oh how very exciting! WOW!
• I can offer $5! She could get insulted and become angry, or withdraw, and then I can say, how about $10? I can check what’s right with me on the inside, and trust it.
• If I offer too high and she says instantly “yes!” then I’ll be privileged knowing I paid exactly what I needed to pay, I’ll be honored to give the gift of money
• I can always change my mind
• She thinks I’m rich! Halleluia, that’s a great way to see me!
• I might get blessed
• I join! I can shop here!

I went back to the store a few days later, after self-inquiring.

Me and that shop owner had a fantastic time, laughing and making faces and communicating without speaking each other’s language, and I offered less than half and she said “no! no!” and frowned…and then I waited, and she made an offer back, and we laughed, and connected, and I now am flying home with a gorgeous pale pink lace hand made Balinese women’s sweater.

I had a blast haggling it out. Everybody happy.

If you find that you have money thoughts, and trouble asking, negotiating, setting fees, asking for a raise or a job….if you find you feel negative about money, and “earning” it or spending it or needing it or wanting it…

Come join the Money teleclass. We look at money, buying, selling, promoting, marketing, asking, not-enough, needing, wanting, believing stressful thoughts.

And if you really know you can’t spend the money to take the class…ask for what you want. You never know, you might get it, before you even have to ask 1,000 times!

“What stories we assign to pieces of paper! Rich or poor, we believe the same stories over and over again. Isn’t it time for you to end that suffering? Financial freedom is not about manifesting new cars or high-paying jobs. It is about being absolutely secure and loving whatever reality brings you. The truth is that you’re supposed to have exactly as much money as you have right now. No more, no less. How do you know when you’re supposed to have more? When you do. How do you know when you’re supposed to have less? When you do. Realizing this is true abundance. It leaves you without a care in the world.” ~ Byron Katie

Love, Grace

P.S. One space left in Horrible Food Wonderful Food starting Tuesday 5:15 pm Pacific time and two spaces left in the One Year Program of Small Group Inquiry together.

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I got a wonderful email from an inquirer yesterday. I read it as the wind shook the huge banana leaves hanging above me, and thunder rolled in the distance, ready for a tropical Balinese storm.

The inquirer mentioned something that I could definitely relate to, agonizingly so in the past.

Why sign up for a retreat, workshop, training, even an educational degree when your experience so far with other programs is disappointing?

Why sign up when the thing you enrolled in was dang expensive, or required many hours of time, or involved boring homework…and then you weren’t sure it was worth it?

Such a great question. What makes something worth it?

When I think about the answer, and study building programs myself, and watch how other people do it…I come up with three important reasons why I’ve ever signed up for something:

1. I wanted some kind of change, a result…maybe even desperately. I’ve signed up for programs to make more money, heal my relationship with food, feel healthier physically, learn how to make a website, change my stressful thinking.
2. I was thrilled for the information, fascinated, learning about an entirely new human perspective, having an experience (this is the kind of “program” foreign travel offers—like visiting Bali)
3. I knew the process itself would feel good and/or transformational, and I could even let go of the outcome (or I might even forget about it) because participating all by itself would be fun, enlightening, powerful.

The things that I have thought of as “worth it” most often have had all three parts present.

I remember when I was in graduate school for Applied Behavioral Science (it sounds a bit stuffy but basically, it was the study of human behavior and psychology).

The tuition was ginormous for me. I think the most money I had ever needed to come up with for anything in my entire life.

But I thought that the program would give me the result of a better and higher paying job, a better career life….more job responsibility, more money, more expertise.

I took loans, I received some gift funds from family, I put tuition on my credit card.

Part way through the first year, I knew that it was OK if I never used my degree, I was still so happy I had signed up. Because the people I met, the group-processing we did together, the lectures, the professors, the books, the coffee-house conversations…they were all fantastic right in that present moment.

I look back at the work involved in getting that degree, and I still think “that was worth it”. Even though for a couple of years, I DIDN’T “do” anything with the degree.

Everyone knows already that I think Byron Katie’s School for The Work was worth it. It was completely life-changing for me, coming at just the right time, with just what I needed to grow and expand myself in spirit.

But no one needs any programs. Except the ones they wind up signing up for!

The thing is, some courses or trainings, jobs, workshops, relationships, activities…they aren’t going to feel “worth it” in some ways. There may be gap in one of those three pieces I listed above that feels like its missing.

You might even feel like “that relationship was so NOT WORTH IT” or “that job was a waste of time” or “that educational program taught me nothing” or “I don’t have any more money now than I had before”….but I know there is something that we receive from everything we do.

“Any action is often better than no action, especially if you have been stuck in an unhappy situation for a long time. If it is a mistake, at least you learn something, in which case it’s no longer a mistake. If you remain stuck, you learn nothing.”~Eckhart Tolle

Last year I participated in a one year program with Stephan Bodian, the wonderful spiritual teacher who was also a psychologist for 30 years. I had never met him before, but I liked his book “Wake Up Now”.

His program is called The School for Awakening, which made me laugh (knowing you can’t ever guarantee awakening for anything or anyone). I knew he also thought that was funny, and I liked his sense of humor.

I let my thoughts bubble on it, for about a month, before I contacted Stephan and signed up. It was very strange, because I did not feel like I needed it, I did not feel like I must change, and I had no expectations in particular.

I also knew that if I did NOT like the other people, I would have work to do. If I did not like the format, or the schedule, or the flying, or the fee…I would write down my thoughts and question them and inquire. I would also speak up, if I thought it could go better or I had a suggestion (thank goodness I’ve learned this one over time).

My decision, that seemed more to make me than for me to make it, came more from #3 in the list above: just participating in the process, and seeing what happened.

To join with others, for me, makes it easier (and harder), more fun (sometimes less fun), an adventure, and I don’t float away and forget the divine grace that is present. I keep showing up.

I enjoyed our group so much, and Stephan, that I signed up to repeat it again. We were all investigators together, and the investigation continues.

Maybe that’s why humankind has made religious practice and ritual and ceremony and showing up in groups something vital for life, for thousands of years.

And that’s why I created the teleclasses and programs I facilitate, by the way. Because its so very fun, and there is so much learning, for me personally…and such a wonderful journey.

I love working with you, with the ones who are called at just this right timing, so we can all look together at stopping resistance, war, need, desperation, craving, grabbing, grasping, longing, wishing, worrying….

“Without even knowing it I started to investigate, in a quiet and very deep way, what it would be like not to be at war with my own mind, with what I felt, with my whole human experience.” ~ Adyashanti

Love, Grace

P.S. Several spaces left in the 8 week teleclass starting 6/13 Earning Money, exploring what we think and feel about money, business, our work, our jobs that brings on suffering, lack, anxiety and worry about the future. We start Thursdays 5:15 – 6:45 Pacific time.

Last New Year, and the year prior, I asked for “top three stressful thoughts” you were experiencing, if you felt like writing them down.

This popped into my mind as I drove for several hours looking out at a road lined with everything unusual and strange.

As I stared out the window of the van in which I was a back seat passenger, my mind was full of questions like “I wonder why there is a temple every few hundred feet along the road? I wonder why everyone is flying kites? I wonder where those men are taking that gigantic dead pig that they’re trying to get through a narrow doorway? I wonder what’s in the lined up yellow glass bottles near every store?”

Some questions I asked the driver, who was native to this place (he pointed out the home of his grandmother as we sped by) but more questions were filling my brain than could be asked….at least this was another thought, that I really couldn’t ask EVERYTHING.

It’s weird but the mind appears to be filled and flowing with QUESTIONS. About everything it doesn’t quite understand.

Then my husband, over lunch, innocently asked about plans and ideas for tomorrow…and the conversation moved into thoughts about the days ahead here on Bali.

Which led me to thinking later, in the car again, about the top things I wanted to see while here that I had heard about in the past, and how I wanted to feel once I departed….which led me to reflecting on what I came here to see, do, think, feel, or explore….

Which reminded me of one of the Top Three Stressful Thoughts I had heard about from people back at the New Year.

One of the top three stressful thoughts?

“Why Am I Here?”

This can sometimes be a fun or neutral-feeling question….and it can tip over into stressful really quickly, the way the speedy mind seeks for clear answers and demands them NOW.

Suddenly, I could relate. I wondered why I was here in Indonesia, on the island of Bali? I mean, really?

Why am I here? What’s my purpose? What am I doing? What should I do next? Where is this heading? What’s the reason for my existence?

Sometimes….these kinds of thoughts enter when on a journey far, far away from home.

What the heck am I doing HERE?

There’s a little stressy thought as the mind becomes ready to derail anything you could possibly answer that question with…because nothing will be a good enough answer, it thinks.

Left up to the mind to answer that question, there really won’t be any solid satisfaction…. because IT DOESN’T KNOW!

The wise-man answers to these WHY questions say things like, “you are here to live, you are here to love, you are here to be!” 

But! There has to be a better, more interesting, more elaborate, detailed, fascinating, adventurous, personal reason to why I’m here…more unique perhaps, something that makes me special?

And then, do you notice the feelings within, when considering WHY YOU ARE HERE become sort of sparked? Maybe frustrated? Grabby? Demanding? Pushy? Wanting?

I NEED TO KNOW!

I need to know why I’m here, why I exist, why I’m with that person, why that upsetting thing happened, why I’m visiting this place, why I live here, why I travel there, why I got sick, why I suffer, or what my purpose is!

Stop! Hold your horses!

Inquire. Is that true that I need to know why I’m here?

YES! I MUST find my answer! I will achieve, conquer, gain, and realize my goal…or… something! I need to understand! I need to have magical events occur! I need to find something! I want to make a discovery! I want to get this!

Can I absolutely know that this is true?

When I believe the thoughts that I need to know WHY and WHAT FOR then I notice I get all charged up (at best) and get furious or depressed (at worst).

Who would I be without the thought that I need to know what my life is for and why I’m here and what to do next?

What if I really unhitched from that belief and loosened the grip, let it go altogether, just let everything be the way it is, including me and my purpose (or lack of it)?

I turn that thought around, and in this day, here, I see how I do not need to know why anything is the way it is.

I am still alive, I am still here (so far), I am taking in my environment…I see, hear, touch, taste, smell, feel, think….rest, sit, watch, wonder, observe.

I’m still at this moment, apparently, seeing a full moon set through a very thick jungle forest, hearing infinite sounds and hoots and buzzes and around me.

I found out everyone here builds a temple in front of their family home, people fly kites when they harvest the rice, I have no idea where they were taking the pig but my guess is they will eat it, and the pretty glass bottles everywhere are full of petrol.

Noticing the mind, allowing it also to be here…thinking, assessing, commenting, feeling the feeling of not knowing what basic things are for, not knowing what anything is for.

Mind here too, present and busy and not needing to know anything definitive…it doesn’t need to know, because it clearly doesn’t, and life goes on.

Here I am visiting the inner land of I Do Not Know What Anything Is For.

Could this be fine? More than fine?

Are you sure you need to know why you’re here, or have a clear “better” purpose than you think you have?

“If you want to be a great leader, you must learn to follow the Tao. Stop trying to control. Let go of fixed plans and concepts, and the world will govern itself.” ~Tao Te Ching #57

Much love, Grace

As I look out a large picture window at the Taipei, Taiwan airport I see huge thick gray clouds and rain coming down, and lots of green trees. On initial glance it looks like Seattle, my home town.

Then on closer look, I notice palm trees inter-mixed with trees that look like pines. That’s definitely different.

Notice how the mind, through my eyes, is comparing. It’s like it has a check list, faster than a speeding bullet: familiar, familiar, not familiar, weird, unusual, totally unfamiliar, familiar.

It seems like the mind is a machine, trying to make sense of what it sees, hears, smells, feels, tastes.

Traveling in a big jet for thousands of miles and looking down at ocean and space will make anyone think of what a huge, big world it is….and what a small world it is.

Small world, big world, small world….there goes the mind again.

Just before a meal was served on the flight, I looked out the window with the sky just getting light in this part of the planet. Apparently, the land mass I saw below, with lights and then many fishing boats off the shore, was Korea.

My body was a tiny mass of atoms way up above Korea, and yet I had the thought “That’s Korea! WOW! I’m looking at Korea!”

Kind of hilarious that I won’t even land there for a closer look, and still the thoughts appear about that country I’ve heard so much about is right down there, close enough for these eyes to see from thirty thousand feet above in the sky.

Sometimes stressful situations can be seen in the same way. From far above in the sky, just getting a glimpse, not stopping for a visit necessarily.

Recently I was working with a lovely inquirer who said “I really do need to work on my *$%@# much more, my stressful thinking….I’ve been stuck forever on the same upsetting thoughts and feelings about my father….all my life really.”

She had an edge in her voice, a place in her that expected herself to get crackin’ on that ancient relationship and HEAL IT, DANG IT!

It’s troubling if you have a relationship that has affected you very deeply, where when you think of it, something hurts. You may have the same edgey demand for yourself to GET OVER IT…I certainly have had this experience.

So let’s take a look today.

You should get over being stressed out by that person, is it true?

You should think of them with happiness and peace at all times, and no sorrow. You should be able to live in the middle of that stressful memory, or sit with them in a room right now, and enjoy and love them, without issue…..IS IT TRUE?

How do you treat yourself when you think you should be over it, you should feel resolve, peace, happiness or joy when you consider that person?

I know when I had those thoughts that I should be complete, settled, and neutral towards someone that stirred up a lot for me in life, who influenced me deeply in not always such a fun way (to put it mildly) then I feel discouraged…

…I treat myself like I’m not good enough, or going fast enough, or brave enough, or loving enough.

I treat myself like there’s something wrong with me. Sometimes I’ve forced myself to go all the way to Korea, when really, the plane is only flying over it and this particular visit, I’m only taking a tiny glance at it from way up high like a bird.

Who would you be without the thought that you should be anywhere other than where you are?

What if both physically and emotionally, where you are is the best place ever for you, now.

Maybe you don’t have to go anywhere. Maybe where you are is perfect, and there is no need to travel far. Perhaps that is the sweetest, kindest thing you could give yourself.

And when something happens so that you notice it is indeed time to move…time to go all the way to that country…then you will.

I first thought of visiting Bali five years ago. And now, I’m doing it, apparently. Everything in perfect timing, perfect order.

Any sooner would have been too soon, I’m pretty sure this is 100 percent true.

“The Master does his job and then stops. He understands that the universe is forever out of control, and that trying to dominate events goes against the current of the Tao. Because he believes in himself, he doesn’t try to convince others. Because he is content with himself, he doesn’t need others’ approval. Because he accepts himself, the whole world accepts him.”~Tao Te Ching #30

Be gentle and kind and good with yourself (that’s not an order).

You are in the right place in relation to that person who has disturbed you, and the current is running in the way it needs to.

Do The Work, inquire into your thoughts about that person, then rest, and remember that the process of out of our hands.

Much love, Grace